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sailor-aviator · 21 hours

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Hey.

Go ahead and get settled because this will be...long, in true Liz fashion.

So, by now I'm sure most of you have heard what's happened. If not, you can search this blog for some answers or others for more.

I joined this fandom offiicially at the end of September after being a long time lurker. I had just lost my job and times were uncertain for me. I felt inspired to write, and as someone whose formative years were shaped by the fandom experience, I wanted to feel that sense of belonging again - to feel like a part of a community. I've talked about it on here before, but I started my fandom days in the original Hunger Games fandom when the first movie had just come out, and then I shifted gears towards the SuperWhoLock fandom. If you know anything about SuperWhoLock, then you know you had to have pretty tough fucking skin to be a part of any of it.

Of course, this was back in the day when fandom was an actual community and not authors having to beg for scraps of engagement and people thinking its a numbers game. I was a fairly large blog within the SuperWhoLock community (Waywardly-Carrying-On was the username), but I left fandom for a few years because life got hectic and I felt like I had outgrown the fandom itself as I was no longer watching any of the shows. As the years went on, I started to yearn for the fandom experience again, which is how I found myself dipping toes into several different ones.

I was so excited to publish my first fanfic. I had convinced myself that I wasn't a good writer (much to the chagrin of my irl friends), and I had put a pause on writing my original story. I wanted to write this idea about a cowboy and a girl using characters that I had grown to love like I did way back in my older days. So, I started posting, and I was so excited for the story, that I kept posting almost daily. MamaMay was one of the first people to embrace not only my story, but me as a person into the fandom. She made me feel welcomed and wanted.

Pretty much right off the bat I was already getting anons telling me that I was being too much and that I needed to calm down with all the posting. I was confused because...this is Tumblr. It's literally a blogging website? Why wouldn't I post? I decided to ignore the mean words (not before giving my opinion, of course) and kept on doing my thing. Well, the anons got continually worse and worse. I had a suspiscion as to who the anons could be, but I never had concrete proof. So, I experimented with blocking suspects until finally it worked. I'm not naming names because that's not my style, so don't even bother asking.

The fact of the matter is, some of you have entered fandom spaces for the first time, and you don't know how to act. You don't care to learn fandom etiquette as you've made abundantly clear by calling fandom olds every name under the sun while utilizing the anonymous feature. Newsflash, you're part of the problem. You're the reason why authors don't want to publish anymore. You are the reason that something that's supposed to be fun is starting to feel like a goddamn chore.

How many times can authors on here say that we aren't machines? We have lives outside of this website: family, friends, jobs, school, etc. Some of you really are just hellbent on making everyone around you miserable, and it's sad. You can't just leave well enough alone and let people enjoy something, no you feel like everyone has to enjoy it the same way as you.

Some of you go after authors on here because of some weird sense of jealousy too. I don't know why my shit blew up, babe, I really don't. But I started out with no followers and no support just like everyone else. I'll tell you what helped me though: following fandom etiquette and reaching out to other creators to build an actual community. None of this "I've reblogged three of your things and now I'm messaging you so that you return the favor." No, I reached out to make actual friendships which is what fandom is SUPPOSED to be. If someone was clearly not interested, it was fine!! I backed off and kept doing my own thing.

Some of you think being mean on the internet makes you big and bad. Guess what! It doesn't! It's loser mentality and I feel genuinely sorry for you. I'm sorry that people in your own life made you feel so small as to feel like you had to lash out at strangers on the internet who are just trying to have fun.

Anyway, this is my really long way of saying that I am taking a break for a little bit. I have no idea how long it will be - could be the weekend, could be a couple of weeks, could be forever. I need time to decide if this is something I want to keep persuing. If I come back, I don't know if I will remain a TGM blog or if I'll shift gears and hop into another fandom with a rebrand. Guess we'll just have to see.

To the people on here who have been a constant source of joy, laughter, and support: thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Your presence has meant everything to me, and I hope that my break sees me wanting to come back and giggle about the silly plane movie with you all again.

Nothing but love,

Liz 💛

#psa #public service announcement #this has been a psa #liz speaks #liz rambles #long post

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haveyouseenherlately · 3 days

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hi friends 👋

i just wanted to stop by to share some of the fics which i always return to and are now like comfort food for me. all of these awesome writers also inspired me to start posting here back in march so thank you. i appreciate you more than i could ever say 🤍

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be my mistake by @alovesreading

probably one of the first 75 fics i ever read once i got back on tumblr late last year. it is heartbreaking but i cannot stop myself from re-reading it every once in a while. a is such a sweet and talented person with so many amazing fics that you should check out if you haven't. another one of my faves by her is quarter past midnight, for all of the ross girlies out there.

body piercer!matty by @sugar-coat-it

i mean, there's not much i can say about our favourite mohawked punk boy. my dearest belle killed it with this au and he's become one of my go-to matty's in this world. i'd kill for a night with him lol. ilysm belle and whenever i see your handle pop up on my feed i cannot help but smile.

truth serum by @imagine-that-100

this fic is so freaking sweet and i love it so much. again, this is another one which i found soon after i came back to tumblr. if you even need a little pick-me-up, reading this will do the trick. matty taking care of you will always be a fave trope of mine. @imagine-that-100 has also created other beautiful au's and if you are ever looking for some alex turner x reader fic, will we talk? is beyond.

costumes by @toomuchracket

roleplay with matty in his lab coat? sign. me. up. this fic fucked with my mind in the best way possible. i think it was my first introduction to birthday party!matty. needless to say, i was instantly hooked. mads is an incredible writer and all of her au's are :chef's kiss:

playing on my mind by @ughgoaway

if you for some reason haven't read any of ace's teacher au, please do it tonight. you won't regret it. they've done an amazing job at building such a beautiful, cozy world that makes you feel like you're part of it. ace, i'll never be able to thank you enough for this.

truth or dare by @abiiors

brother's best friend daniel my beloved. a first time fic will always get me and this one stuck in my mind since the first time i read it. the amount of time i've spent reading vee's work should be alarming, but i don't care. i cannot get enough of it.

the dress by @kennedy-brooke

i'm usually a matty girl (surprise to no one here) but this george fic is amazing. the text exchange between george and matty is golden, and the smut is just... yeah. another one i've read way too many times but will never get tired of it. thank you so much @kennedy-brooke for this piece of gold.

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if you have the time, make sure to check out their work if you haven't already. i assure you won't be disappointed.

there are so many other amazing writers in this community so i'll have to do a part 2 of this so it doesn't get too long.

thank you for reading!

#txt #rambles #fic recs

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dropthedemiurge · 20 hours

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Second part of my translation comments (and half meta) for Gray Shelter [Episode 5], you can find the first post here!

"You gave the choice/decision to me, didn't you? (reference to the earlier scene)" "So your decision is to give me some money and tell me to get out of your sight?"

꺼져 is quite a rude word, like 'get the hell away from me', Yoondae is clearly pissed rephrasing/interpreting Soohyuk's intentions, he's using informal tone too

"Because I live like this? Because I idle/fool around here and there without doing anything, not able to get myself together (cannot get a grip on myself and my life)? Because you still see me as a child?!" "Yes. That's why I'm confused. Because it doesn't matter who is by your side (anyone will do), right?" "And (what's the problem)? You can be by my side. Why is everything so complicated for you? Just... (in softest pleading voice) ...Watch me. I will live like all the other people. Then it'll all be good (it's solved), no? You can watch over me while being by my side. Mmhm? Don't care about the situation, once again I'm telling you, just look only right at me."

I actually really like the usage of 'focus on me' in all the sentences because the translator keeps the leitmotif and it works in all contexts, the entire conversation was translated nicely. Even "- What's the most difficult thing about me and this situation for you? - That I'm your home (the place you return to now)."

I just gave you more literal translation... idk, for fun xD Maybe you'll catch more nuances that I tried to put in here. It's just devastating. Soohyuk sees and feels that Yoondae is clinging to him like to a lifeline, and he doesn't want to be one, he's got enough of people burdening him, his life is hard enough.

He tried to think simply like Yoondae and just live in the moment, give in to his impulses as well, but he just can't. He's sinking on his own and he can't chain himself to another person because even if he's a safe place for Yoondae, he won't be able to save him in this situation, it means they'll both drown. Yoondae has to find his own ground to stand on, he has to get a grip and find a new home on his own so he won't circle his entire life and attention on Soohyuk. Only then it'll work.

"If I find another home, can I call you? You won't avoid me then?"

They don't kiss here – they can't. It won't work. But such short distance is a promise, it's a possible future happy ending hanging between them both like a life vest and a heavy rock.

I'm not sure he means it as 'we get together again'. More like

"If we meet again, will we become okay?"

Like, they agreed it won't work out now, they need some time, and Yoondae now will be holding onto that hope that Soohyuk might accept him and his feelings once Yoondae finds his own home, his own meaning in life. But he's still afraid it won't happen, that's why he needs to hear some affirmation. Will things between them become alright (and the fact that he doesn't really say 'better' or 'good', he uses 괜찮다 - fine, alright, okay and asks if they will be able to even reach that). Which means they both know their relationship is less than 'okay' now.

And in a very Gray Shelter melancholic satisfying-unsatisfying way, Soohyuk only replies: "It'd at least be better than now."

That's the only thing Yoondae is left with. This, and a daring request to pretend he didn't steal that goodbye kiss.

And we're getting a time skip which starts on a sound of a ringing telephone. ("If I find another home, can I call you? ) And surprisingly, it doesn't seem that Yoondae is the one calling this time, as he wanted to. It seems like Yoondae accepted the call but he wasn't holding it or answering, yet Soohyuk called him and invited him for a dinner and is waiting for the answer. Now, the decision is up to Yoondae.

There is a calendar on the wall but I honestly didn't track if there were any other calendars in the show so we can tell how long was the time skip.

"Alright. I'll be waiting."

To be honest, in the ending I wished they showed at least one scene of Yoongdae coming home in a work-like uniform or doing something to indicate he started sorting his life out before that call came through. Because even though the ending is hopeful – they lived separately for some time, Yoondae has his own place, Soohyuk is reaching out to spend time with him now and they both agreed their next meeting will be more hopeful – but will it be enough? Was the problem actually solved?

We all should think that yes, but I wish the ending supported it a little bit more confidently. After such a rollercoaster of emotions and complicated situation, I want to see them heading towards the truly happy ending Т_т (give me the second season!)

In any case, the acting is great and the melancholic atmosphere for a BL was so unusual, I loved the edgy dialogues and emotionally raw writing. For such a short story, Gray Shelter certainly will go under many people's radar but it still touched my soul.

And, well, now I understand the title. Soohyuk is a shelter, he shouldn't be a home. Shelter is a place they seek temporarily comfort in when they have nowhere else to go. And it's not a bright happy couple place, and it's not an abusive family house either, gray is neither black nor white. It's something in between, and it's up to Soohyuk and Yoondae to try and build an actual equal bond, have a place to return to and person to eat dinner with.

#gray shelter #gray current #gray shelter comments #dropthemeta #korean bl #kbl #soohyuk x yoondae #kdrama #bl series

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gringolet · 2 days

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hi not to be a menace but. what texts do you recommend starting on for delving into the arthurian lore bc i’ve read sgatgk and the mabinogion and listened to the heather dale songs and have no idea where to go from here

Okay I have a bunch in my pinned post but in summary: It depends on what you are interested in! If you are interested in characters like Lancelot, Guinevere, Yvain, Gawain, Percival etc, I would recommend reading Chretien de Troyes romances, specifically Knight of the Lion, Knight of the Cart, and Story of the Grail, which are his best and more relevant to later texts. If you are more interested in the overall story, the rise of arthur and fall of camelot, the classic choice is Thomas Malory's le morte d'arthur. there are a lot of translations and shortened versions that are quite readable if ur not into middle english.

there are lots of fun and fairly findable epigonal romances (french romances written after chretien de troyes) and middle english verse works (sgatgk is the most famous of these, but sir gawain and the turk, the alliterative morte d'arthur, the stanzaic morte d'arthur, and the wedding of sir gawain and dame ragnelle are all fun). great epigonal romances include the perilous cemetery, the mule without a bridle, and the knight with two swords.

the dutch corpus of arthuriana is also great, you cant go wrong with morien, and i also recommend lancelot and the hart with the white foot and the roman van walewein. i have links to scans of most of everything i've mentioned here so if you can't find something let me know and i'll see if i can find it scanned by me or one of my friends.

i hope this brain dump was helpful! but yeah basically there are lots and lots of fun text options for you so just check out what sounds interesting! theres a ton of works i didnt name here so if none of these sound interesting then let me know and i can offer other suggestions. if u want some stuff more like the heather dale stuff, you might like victorian arthuriana! i have links to my favourite arthurian revival works in my pinned post. good luck!!

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weirdmultishipper · 2 days

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Everyone thinking Cale is suicidal and him doing nothing but fuel that belief.

So.... yeah! Another Cale fanfic! This is kinda a summary. I'll post this when I have more chapter on this fic and also the other Cale sicfic I'm working on.

This is basically Cale's slacker life. Kinda. With a lot of chaos.

It was another quiet day.

As always, people were bussling around the mansion. Administrators with work to do; knights with duties to take on; servants and maids with chores to finish; commoners with pleas to make; and the Henituses busying themselves in the work of the duchy.

All except a certain young master.

Cale was sitting by the window in a rocking chair, blankly staring at the scene outside. On and Hong were curled up in his lap in their Cat forms while Roan was sleeping in the comfy armrest of the rocking chair. He absentmindedly continued to pat all three children with soft, equal strokes, not unlike a machine.

The slacker was having a fun time doing nothing. Absoultly nothing. He was consistently patting the children averaging 8 years old while keeping his mind so blank, the author of this fanfic was feeling that the repeat of Cale's thought(less) process was so boring that she needed to cause some chaos.

"Hey, Choi Han," the redhead suddenly called out, his eyes never leaving the window.

The black-haired man gaurding the door turned to look at his liege who had been sitting silently for over an hour.

"Yes Cale-nim?"

Cale didn't answer back immediately, even though he was the one who initiated the conversation. He continued to look out the window before turning to study the intricate gold designs on the window sill. Cale then slightly leaned forward to better peer at the ground below. Cale's room in the Henituse esate was on the third floor.

Unlike Korea's buildings, which mostly have a relatively low ceiling because of cost and other factors, the floors of the manor were really high because of all the lights and chandeliers decorating the walls. After all, the Henituses' never lacked money. In conclusion, even with only being on the third floor, Cale felt like he was on a six-story surface.

Cale shared his honest opinions with Choi Han.

"Do you think I'd die if I jumped from here right now?"

Cale suddenly felt chills on his back. He subconcously straighened up, feeling like a teenager who had been trying to sneak out, only to be caught before he could.

"And why would you do that, Cale-nim?"

Choi Han's sickeningly sweet voice filled the room, not at all matching the aura he was currently emitting.

Cale gulped. He sensed that he just started a shitshow; without knowing how he did it.

#lout of the count’s family #trash of the count's family #tcf novel #cale henituse #totcf #totcf novel #totcf fanfiction #tcf cale #trash of the counts family #lotcf #cale being suicidal #and being oblivious to it #everyone is worrying over him #yes I write fanfiction

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beesmygod · 14 hours

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do the forbidden woods have any connection to the beasts or great ones, aside from being geographically adjacent to byrgenwerth? Are the snake infested fellows just "normal" as far as yharnam is concerned? Like before yharnam got all bloodborney, was the Yharnam Cartographer's Guild map of the woods still just a big circle with SNAKES written?

this is a really good question because, as a lore psycho, i think the understated lore implications of the woods are genuinely fascinating. i think there's a lot to unpeel, even if we take into account that it was one of the places in the game that was chopped up at the 11th hour and scrambled before release.

as always for these lore posts, important nouns are bolded and speculation is in italics. we are going to discuss the woods in three parts: from the gatekeeper to the windmill is "the village". from the windmill to byrgenwerth is "the woods". the subterranean cave shortcut back to yharnam will just be called "shortcut." i'll expand on this shit GREATLY when we reach this part in "you hunted" (I HAVENT STOPPED WORKING ON IT I PROMISE IM JUST SWAMPED) so considered this a light overview. feel free to ask for more details on things and ill do my best to fill in the blanks.

THE VILLAGE:

-from the jump, the village gatekeeper is a fucking weird little blip in bloodborne's narrative. i haven't thought about him enough to figure out if he's more than just a spooky, unexplained element but he has some cut dialog that sheds some mindboggling information about yharnam: he seems very confused about WHEN it is and will cite the last time he had a visitor as anything from a year to a century.

-the lamps in this area lighting the way to the village are little burning fetal beasts of some sort.

i'm starting to understand more and more about how fire operates in the world of bloodborne, since most of the time it appears in the game, it's seemingly impossible. the thing that confused me the most was how old yharnam was still burning if it happened a long time ago. i think it's time to start thinking of the old blood as impossibly combustible and a great source of light/fire. this isn't the first in-universe example of creatures being used as fuel: the lamps in the fishing village are slugs (also infants? they strongly resemble the hunter's appearance as a baby great one in the "childhood's beginning" ending). this is a whole fucking like, thing. it's its own post.

next, the huntsmen enemies here are dressed funny. you probably noticed it but couldn't pin down how. they're dressed in white church clothes! the first model here is used only in the forbidden woods. the two on the left are from central yharnam. note the gloves on the first two; these are church doctors!

(this post goes on like this for some time)

the white church doctors are the ones that were doing "experimentally backed blood ministration". the butcher's garb further defines it as "forbidden research". these white church doctors are the citizens of this "village". in the clustered buildings where the majority of the huntsmen are, you can find blue elixir and beast blood pellets in abundance. both of these items can only be purchased from the store after obtaining the choir's badge, drawing a firm connection between the white church doctor's research and the goals of the choir.

although, this probably isn't too much of a surprise; it's almost certain that this is where fauxsekfa came from. she took the same shortcut we did, right? i'm not really sure i understand the shortcut too much. but let's talk about it.

THE SHORTCUT:

although not explicitly stated, i am strongly convinced that this cave is the entrance to the hintertomb. at the very least, it is absolutely an entrance to the labyrinth. the presence of tomb mold, blood gems, parasite larva, and pthumerian giants/corpses makes this very clear. the root chalice for the hintertomb describes it as "a cesspool of noxious snakes and insects"; i think it's likely that the snakes came from the hintertomb given they can be found in the swamps there.

the giant graves here and further into the woods are referred to as "tombstone[s] of a great one".

the hunter's mark i think would suggest these are pthumerian made. its possible that the hintertomb is spilling out into the world above but frankly all of the graves here are baffling. grave placement and appearance needs more research. the graves in the woods only are developing a strange sort of honeycomb rot pattern not unlike the head of an amygdala. this pattern shows up enough that it warrants more investigation.

the slow poison-inducing "water" here has similar properties to the slow poison pool in the research hall. they are different colors, but have similar origins: the poison pool in the research hall is from the decomposing bodies of the patients, who were exposed to bizarre blood ministration and parasitism. the pool here is likely from decomposing great ones. with this in mind, perhaps the silvery liquid is mercury.

the ladder leading out of this area is fucking insane and i have a hard time understanding what occurred there. like what in the hell is up with that grave you exit into in yharnam. who popped it open. why is it so cavernous. what happened to the contents.

anyway, let's just go back to the woods.

THE VILLAGE (again)

there's really only two more things to mention here before we move on: first, beast roar can be picked up here. it's the undead, still twitching hand of a darkbeast. nothing touched by the old blood can truly die, and these severed limbs are no exception.

second are the butchers. these are the people who collect specimens, hack them apart, and present them to the church doctors for research. they show up in three different ways: the surviving madaras twin wears the butcher's set (the hunter picks up the set from the other twin's corpse), the "executioner" enemies (REMINDER: a better translation would have been "butchers" [or, literally, "dismantling men"], i have no idea why they went with "executioner" outside of their superficial appearance) wear the cape with the popped collar, and there are huntmen enemies skulking the streets below the grand cathedral hunting for victims dressed in the garb. they literally only appear there.

ah, one more thing. this is the place where you can find the suspicious beggar and interrupt him while he's in the middle of chowing down on one of the biggest families i've ever seen in my life. at first i thought the devs hysterically fucked up the sizes of the corpses, but they're dressed like the citizens of yahar'gul. while not outright stated, evidence strongly suggests that the beggar is irreverent izzy or one of his followers such as the close proximity of one of izzy's inventions and the beggar's clothing reflecting his past as both a veteran tomb prospector gone mad and former church agent. there's a lot of meat on that bone, but for another time.

OKAY. LAST PART NOW.

THE WOODS:

this is the part you probably remember the most bc it's snake hell. the first thing we absolutely need to keep in mind is that the snake-infested guys you meet are a reference to doobie from jojo. the snakes are parasites to people, but the snakes themselves are also being parasitized? they are covered in ticks, those are the huge bloated blobs all over them. given that the augurs of the great ones are invertebrates...what does that imply about the inclusion of the ticks narratively?

there's something absolutely fascinating happening to the flora and fauna in this section of the woods but it's hard to know what it all means. some notes:

-when enemies in bloodborne die, the game handles their corpse in different ways. some of this is lore related, some of it is to reduce hardware strain. some corpses turn into ragdolls, some explode into blood, some explode into white particles (sometimes with blood but not always). snakes explode into white particles. i got way too into the fucking weeds with this, but (outside of the slime scholars....kind of) all of these enemies either appear or were intended to appear in the chalice dungeons, the nightmare frontier, or the nightmare of mensis (the lecture hall containing the scholars connects the waking world to the nightmare). all of these locations are, arguably, the nightmare.

-there are statues of amygdala and a presumed evolution of the celestial child sprouting out of the ground. i am almost certain these are original versions of the statues in the grand cathedral and yahar'gul, respectively.

-remember that strange pond with the fireflies? the only place in the game where there's fireflies? what the hell is up with that lol. i kind of have an answer:

most concrete is this: back when the original boss of the woods was snakeball, you would have faced a rematch in this pond.

insane theory crafting moment: look, this is stupid complicated and a reach so if i have to get into really defending it it, ill do it in another post. but in bloodborne people can be teleported around via "communion". communion is the means of entering the chalice dungeons and requires three things: ritual blood (or perhaps just liquid, if rom's arena is anything to go by), something to hold the blood (typically a chalice, but sometimes the "chalice" is a skull), and light (this is almost always achieved with candles). this pond is probably full of blood, if the rotten bodies nearby are any indication, and the fireflies offer light. but, look, this shit was cut so don't think too hard about it.

-its in the art book but also in the game (but hard to see): the wall separating byrgenwerth from the rest of the world is melted.

wait wtf there's dudes in it. lol. what da hell!

oh my. the name for this asset is "wall of divine tomb". cool. every day i lean some new insane shit about this game, for real.

anyway the only other point of interest is whatever the fuck valtr and the league are doing. too deep of a topic for now. anyway, those were the points of interest in the forbidden woods. i hope this was....whatever counts for informative when it comes to video game trivia

#bloodborne lore #bloodborne

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goodluckclove · 2 days

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An Open Letter to a Professional Author

I came across a writer here who I imagine will probably never see this, but their presence was enough to make me pretty mad for two days now. I've decided to pen a little statement to this Long-Term, Professional, Full-Time, Published Author who makes a habit out of being deeply unpleasant in a way that apparently has only attracted an audience of other deeply unpleasant people.

People here seem to like it when I get mad. So, uh, enjoy?

Dear Professional Author,

I came across a post of yours on some feed here the other day and enjoyed your commentary. It was one of those writing memes that sort of called attention to actually writing as opposed to just thinking about your project - the kind that people usually respond to with some sort of joke expressing their repulsion at the concept.

You responded with distaste and I generally agreed. The tone was a little aggressive for me, but that kind of humor also leaves me generally confused. I personally ended up concluding that the self-deprecating humor was a coping mechanism for a larger issue that keeps these people from writing - intimidation, lack of confidence, physical or mental pain, things like that. You seemed to think it was a matter of will, which I found to be an approach that at the very least was well-intentioned.

Turns out it wasn't.

First off, I should say that this isn't about your political beliefs. Your political beliefs that are really more like general human beliefs. I don't want to get into that. Instead, I just want to talk about your writing. You are a full-time, published author, as you say in nearly post where you talk about writing. A major point of pride to you seems to be the fact that you are traditionally published. Any other method doesn't seem to be as legitimate to you. That's interesting to me.

You also don't seem to have much of an audience outside of people who mainly come to agree with your politics. I didn't really see a single positive interaction between you and another writer on here for as much as I was willing to scroll through your blog. That's also interesting to me.

I didn't spent too much time on your blog once I realized that you were definitely not the kind of person I would ever want any interaction with. What I did want to do is use your presence indirectly to prove a point that I've been wanting to get into for some time now.

To put it simply, I'll say this: a career in professional writing is not actually as cool or important as you might think it is.

Now I'll be direct and say that I've never been traditionally published for anything longer than a short story or long-term, unpaid column. You don't give any details on any of your writing, as far as I've seen (Once again - interesting!), so there's a chance you've made more in contracts and royalties than I have. But I'm a working writer. I've had a career in ghostwriting and technical writing. I've written and produced plays that have been featured in festivals in multiple states. I'm not speaking from a place of no experience, is what I mean to say.

What I also mean to say is that - while I view writing in many ways as a spiritual and healing act that I couldn't live without - it's also a job. It's not always exciting, and even when it is exciting it's only exciting to me. I consider the best date night to be when my wife works on video game development while I write my draft. I leave the house on a regular basis, but it's mainly to go to different places to write.

In short - I love to write, but I don't think it makes me cool. Or interesting. Or valuable. Or intelligent. Or just generally fun to be around and talk to. These are things I strive to cultivate in other aspects of the way I live and grow as a human being on this planet.

Being a Professional Author in one particular genre doesn't give you authority over the craft as a whole. You can't just throw yourself into conversations and start with I'm a published writer and assume that means you have the final say on any discussion. Believe it or not, in many cases it does not matter.

Lots of people are published traditionally, and it does prove some level of validity in their line of work. But there are a huge variety of people in the world of trad pub. There are people who write books in genres that don't apply to writers here. There are people who write books that aren't very good. There are even people who write trad pub books that are very good, but their careers are sullied by the fact that the authors themselves are not good people.

Being a successful writer does not mean you're a good person. Being a writer at all does not mean you are a good person. I believe in Death of the Author to an extent, but when that author insists on making a presence on a public website and doling out advice and opinions to other writers the lines start to blur considerably.

Writing is a job. You work it over a period of time and learn skills and strategies that work for you. The same applies to virtually every other job, including ones that society views as less romantic as something in the arts. Can you imagine me breaking into your home while you're making lunch and telling you how to arrange your cheese slices based on what I know as a full-time, professional sandwich artist at Subway? You might be interested based on leaning something you didn't know about a place you might've eaten at before. But that does not entitle me to your respect on its own.

I am not entitled to your respect based on how well I learned how to make a sandwich based on my hypothetical career at Subway. Just as I don't deserve it solely because I know two card tricks, can get out a variety of stains, read most of the works of the major beatniks, can make a really good carbonara, or any other specific about my life that ultimately does not play a huge part in who I am as a person.

When I am on my death bed, I hope to god the core of my character was not the fact that I typed stories from my brain until I got carpal tunnel. If my obituary begins and ends at "writer", no matter how positive the qualifier is before that, it will be the greatest failure of my life.

Because I am a writer. But that does not matter. It does not matter if you're a writer. It can be fun and enjoyable if you are, even better if you make a living at it, but it doesn't mean you'll be happy. It doesn't mean people will like you or perceive you to be the leader and teacher you might think you are. It certainly doesn't give you a free pass to throw cruelty at strangers for truly no real reason.

Professional Author, you had a chance to raise up the next generation of an industry I assume you must value. You're choosing not to, and that's fine. You don't have the obligation to. You do have the choice to not get involved and pretend to give advice that ranges from vague to untrue. You seem to be taking that responsibility very seriously.

It's like some twist on crab mentality, where instead of dragging crabs trying to escape the bucket you're swiping at anyone who tries to crawl in with you. Then, as they struggle, you're looking down at them and making comments on how easy it is to get in the bucket, if you only just do it and maybe read some books.

To all of us, I say this: question authority, even in the arts. Especially in the arts. Nobody knows as much as they say. That includes me, but I do know this - any branch of publishing feels really good. It's scary but it's fun. If you're traditional published or indie published or self published, it says nothing about how good your book is or how good you are as a writer or how valuable you are as a human being.

Don't be this lonely bucket crab. They seem mean and I'm tired of talking about them.

Best Regards,

Clove

#writeblr #writing community #writers on tumblr #on writing #writing #authors of tumblr #writer community #writing inspiration #writing inspo #writing rants #personal #clove is angry

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public-trans-it · 1 month

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i was a trans man until after a lot of build up of doubting myself, i finally realized that we are putting ourselves further into boxes by not accepting that we are the biological sex that we are and we can do WHATEVER we want at the same time.

clothes and makeup and certain interests do not equal gender.

and not liking being a woman is an unfortunately natural symptom of puberty and/or experiencing society’s deeply ingrained misogyny. and everyone deserves support for those problems.

but we can all fight together against gender social constructs in a healthy way without prescribing people hormones and invasive cosmetic surgery to make them more like the sex they “should” be according to… social constructs…. and help them be comfortable in who they are

Alright. Its been like 9 fucking months that I have been staring down this ask. What better time than to give TERFs some nuance than right in the middle of a fucking hate campaign going on where people (well... singular person probably) are calling me a TERF. This wont backfire.

This post arrived in my inbox shortly after I made another post about gender, and just how fucking weird it can be, and how I genuinely believed every single person on this planet has a fascinating relationship with gender, and so much nuance and personal identity in theirs. Even cis people. Even TERFs. In the tags, I even begrudgingly encouraged TERFs to talk about their gender on that post if they wanted. I genuinely think that TERFs do have really cool relationships with gender. As I mentioned in those tags, the quickest way to explode a group of TERFs is to get them to start talking about their own relationships with gender, and see how vastly different it is, and watching them stab each other in the back over it. So I told them to ramble away about how they view gender, as long as they stayed the fuck away from the rest of the blog WHICH THIS ANON CLEARLY FUCKING IGNORED.

But... this anon does bring up another topic I want to talk about.

Detransition.

I am a huge supporter of detransitioning. This is... surprisingly... not a very common stance in the trans community, and it breaks my fucking heart. Like, I get it. I understand why. A LOT of detransitioners, like the person in this ask, end up weaponizing their feelings of gender against other trans people.

My support of transition comes from the intersection of two very central beliefs of mine:

Everyone should explore their gender without feeling a need to commit! This is a pretty common belief in the trans community! Damn near universal in fact! We even have a fun little term we use for people who decide to play around with gender, only to end up a bit closer to where they started and being perfectly happy with that: Cis+. Someone who is cis, but at least put in the work to understand the trans experience, and actually CHOOSE to remain Cis instead of just defaulting to it with societal pressure. Many trans people are much more comfortable around 'Cis+' people, because they know these are people who have taken the time and put in the work of being an ally. Self examination isn't easy, especially not publicly, and doing so is genuinely one of the strongest ways a Cis person could ever show their support.

It is never too late to transition. This is also a pretty common belief in the trans community! It is... sadly not quite as universal though. But it is something very important that needs to be said. You could be 80 years old, sitting in a retirement home, and go "You know what? I think I'd rather wear a dress and be treated like a lady. I don't want to be buried as a man." And I think every single trans person should have that freedom!

I was discussing this with @thydungeongal the other day, far more paraphrased than this post, and she said something incredible that has been knocking around in my head ever since.

"Gender is an ongoing process"

Those five words they said to me sum up my feelings far more than this entire post could. Gender IS an ongoing process. My gender has changed SO MUCH over the past three decades. From the straightjacket of assigned gender that I was once forced into; to the very stylish and still lovable finely tailored suit of femininity that grew a little too stuffy to wear constantly, even though I do still enjoy it and try it on from time to time; to the wonderful and freeing losely fitting clothing of being aegogender, finally feeling free to be myself and just act naturally and feel natural without having to keep up an appearance!

And I think, there is no length of time you can try out being trans, and trying out new genders, before eventually coming to the realization you were cis all along. Even if you started HRT. Even if you got SRS. Heck, I don't even think you should have to call yourself trans to do either of those things in the first place, why would I be upset that someone did them and then realized they weren't trans? No single moment in your life should EVER lock your gender in place into some unchanging, set in stone thing.

So I support detransitioners completely, with my entire heart. They deserve just as much support as every other 'Cis+' person out there.

So anon, while many people may hate you and lash out at you for detransitioning, I want you to know, that I am not one of them. It sounds like your detransition might have been forced by peer pressure, which is heart breaking to hear. No one should ever force their own gender expectations on another. I hope that wasn't the case. I hope you came to the decision yourself, after realizing whats right for you. I will never give you hate for your detransition.

I WILL ABSOLUTELY GIVE YOU HATE FOR BEING A FUCKING TERF THOUGH. YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE WITH GENDER DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO POLICE THE GENDER OF OTHERS, FUCK OFF. GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

#I think I'm gonna start doing that for Read Mores #so you can find your place easier after click it #since my 'style' in these long posts is like... a fairly longish NON-readmore post. followed by the actual readmore. Let me know if it work #text essay #gender #detransition #I uh... also have some more... complex feelings of detransitioning #that may be a LIIIIIIITTLE more controversial.........#none of it goes against what i said here #its more personal stuff with my own gender and how detransition specifically is something that exists not as gender itself #but as the societal perceptions of a persons gender #but thats a more complex topic that I'll add on to this at another date #also I am absolutely taking this ask at face value for the sake of this post #but I am not so naive as to believe that the blatant TERF that sent it was being genuine #this is ABSOLUTELY the kind of thing they send people to drive a wedge in the community #I'm not even going to fucking dignify that part of it with any mention in the body of this post #edit: ........... okay the readmore accidentally moved somehow #I fixed it now though

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companion-showdown · 1 year

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Option 1 was suggested by @intodarknes

Option 2 was suggested by anonymous

The generic line up will be changed to include companions who have been specifically requested (their may be other changes depending on the tournament, for example option 1 would be a whole new line up, or including robots who don't wear clothes wouldn't make sense in a tournament judging fashion)

Lucie Miller will replace Josie Day (requested by @thenugking)

Hex Schofield will replace Sabalom Glitz (requested by @thenugking)

Alison Cheney will replace Kate Stewart (requested by anonyomous)

If you want to suggest a companion you'd like to join the general line up or just the line up to a specific tournament, either leave it in the notes of this post (or any really, but for the purposes of me being able fo find it easily it'd be nice if you left it here), or send me an ask. This includes anyone who I've swapped out, who you think should stay. I'm especially interested in almost / could have been companions, theres so many I'm sure I'll miss your favourite whenever we eventually get round to that tournament

If you'd like to suggest a tournament then similarly

You can find all suggested tournaments, my ideas, and requested companions under the tag #future tournament ideas

#at some point i'll have to draw the line on companion requests #but there's still enough tv companions i'm comfortable getting rid of #i don't know if there are any eu companions i've listed who i'd feel similarly about #so if there are any whose companion status is highly disputed that might also be a thing to let me know #heres the tag mentioned in the post #future tournament ideas #best fashion sense requires more work in set up #becuase i'd need more images for the graphics to properly demonstrate what we're judging #so if that wins it will take a lot longer for the tournament to start #tagging these polls #up next #from now on so they're easy to find if you miss it when its published #i am considering hottest companion as an option #so we'll see if it makes it on this poll next time #oh and current companions i'm happy to kick out to accomodate requests are #wilf. sara kingdom. chang lee. karvanista. mickey at a push. kamelion maybe. handles. adam mitchell. gillian and john who. katarina #at an absolute push romana i and ii could be listed together #these aren't necessarily in the order i'd get rid of them #i was just looking down the current bracket #i guess id also get rid of benton. yates. river. k9 #the line in the sand is if a tv companion is undisputed as a companion they're staying #those 4 are in the blurry middle where i definitely consider them a companion but their status is disputed by others #anyway ive talked too long in these tags #if any of those are must stays for you it might be worth letting me know so at minimum they move to the bottom of the list #the really important thing here is vote for the tournament you want to see next

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wundrousarts · 1 year

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Just want to share that I've made the blog @nevermoorsource, which I intend to use as a place to post updates/news/behind-the-scenes stuff related to Nevermoor. I like to keep track of all of this stuff anyways so I figured I might as well make a sideblog just to keep it all in one place.

I don't have any news to post yet (and probably won't for awhile considering we're in a bit of a drought right now), but I did finish organizing all of the chapter illustrations for the American editions if you want to take a look. Tumblr limits the number of images you can have in a post so I had to use pages, therefore you'll have the best experience viewing them if you're on desktop with custom themes enabled. Here's the mobile navigation because the desktop database isn't set up yet.

Currently I'm working on gathering other stuff like interviews and figuring out my tag system, so there's nothing else on there, but stay tuned and keep your eyes peeled on that blog because I'll announce over there when I have that stuff up.

#nevermoor #nevermoor blog #thank you to pxme-granate for helping me get some of the chapter illustrations #this took me a billion trillion hours when I should've been doing other stuff so it'll prob take a bit longer to add the other stuff loll #the more work i have to do the more insane I get about nevermoor #i just honestly don't really have a tagging system on here that allows me to post this stuff much and want to keep it to my art + theories #also i am going to be INSANE when movie production starts and i know i'll already be annoying the discord w info so might as well tumblr to #also posting stuff like announcements and news will also just be great for keeping track of dates and anniversaries which is fun #also small stuff like stuff that goes out in owlcrate boxes lol I always keep my eye out for that stuff #will i be the fastest at posting stuff? no bc i'm in an american timezone and am a busy person. but that won't stop me!

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quickhacked · 1 year

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Chapter >> 10 [x] Characters >> Cato Wu (oc), Judy Álvarez, Lauren Dimas (oc), Matvey Dobrynin (oc), Mikhail Koshechkin (oc), Panam Palmer, Thibault Lajoie (oc), Viktor Vektor, Vincent Mayer (oc), Vitali Dobrynin (oc), [redacted] Total >> 9.6k words Warnings >> Blood mention, brainwashing mention, death mention, descriptions of suffocation, family, injuries, violence

‘What are we looking at?’

‘Seven attacks have been reported thus far, four of them still on-going. Many casualties among mercs- none of ours yet- word on the street is a fixer was killed, too.’

Clack. Clack. Clack.

Vitali found himself back in the hallway. Pace as fast as it could possibly go, leg painfully protesting with every move, heart racing uncontrollably in his chest and hand white-knuckled around his cane- Judy and Panam by either of his sides, as they hurried toward the medbay.

He had been there before. Two months ago, give or take; when Eddie, Lauren, Mikhail and Panam had been targeted during that damned cargo transport. Never again, Vitali had thought; I will not let this happen ever again.

Naïve, perhaps. Or just fucking stupid. Either way, how wrong he had been- it had only gone downhill from there, from Mikhail’s captivity to Vincent’s, from seeing his mother again to coming face to face with his father in the decrepit Arasaka facility, from meeting Daniil, to-

To Thibault nearly losing his life in an explosion.

Yet another thing Vitali had been unable to prevent. He had not been anywhere nearby, and it was Night City of all places- explosions happened all the fucking time- but it still hit him hard, especially considering how little Thibault had been involved in the situation at all.

Vitali pushed the door of the medbay open and hesitantly stepped inside, almost scared- ashamed- to show his face. Thibault sat on the edge of their bed, next to Cato; and they gave Vitali a weak smile and wave when he entered.

‘Broken wrist, two bruised ribs, some scrapes ‘n bruises,’ Viktor said from the other end of the room before Vitali could ask anything. He sat on his usual stool, taking some quick notes on a notepad before quickly wheeling himself over to the small crowd in his workplace. ‘Your parking lot took most of the damage.’

‘And Vincent’s car too,’ Thibault quietly added, their semi-mechanical voice raspier than usual. ‘I think they rigged it, but- I wasn’t able to see very well.’

‘Never mind his car or my parking lot,’ Vitali cut them off, ignoring the implications of the possibility of Vincent’s car having carried the explosion underneath, and he quickly walked closer and sat himself down on the bed next to Thibault’s to relieve his leg. ‘How are you feeling?’

A pointless question, but what else could he ask? His heart was so heavy.

‘Tired, mostly,’ was the hesitant answer. ‘Ears are ringing, but- other than that, I feel fine. If you need me back in the field, I can walk. Run too, probably- haven’t tried yet, but should be…should be fine, yes.’

‘You’re not going anywhere,’ Vitali softly replied. ‘We have everything covered.’

That wasn’t true. Thibault knew. And Vitali knew that xe knew. But neither of them said any more of it.

Vitali had woken up early that morning. Earlier than usual, feeling refreshed for the first time in a while, and he had gone to work before Vincent and Mikhail had even gotten out of bed. Taken his time with the drive to the office, despite it being nearby enough; though to be fair on a busy day it could still easily take him half an hour if not longer to make it to the other side of Wellsprings.

It had been unnerving, almost, how smoothly most of the morning had passed by. The sun had been shining outside, a warm and sunny day- the start of June, and Vitali had finally felt like he could start planning for Vincent’s birthday. And he had, between the few calls he’d had to take and the single client meeting near noon.

Nothing too big, of course. Just a day for the two of them; ever since they had first kissed on Vincent’s birthday the year before, they’d had only a handful of actual dates, between all the situations they’d found themselves in. Vitali figured it would be nice to have another; he just hoped neither of them would be too tired to leave the house.

But now, even though it was still a week away, Vitali wasn’t even sure if they would be able to do anything at all.

‘Get some rest,’ he quietly said and reached out to Thibault’s not-injured hand, to give it a soft squeeze. ‘I am sure there’ll be plenty of work to do in the building once we get this situation resolved- you could help then, if you really want to.’

‘Of course,’ Thibault replied, and another weak smile took shape on xyr face. ‘That’s what you’re paying me for, no? Kidding- I’d do this for free. You know that.’

I would give you all the world, if I could.

‘Stay with them,’ Vitali quickly said, regaining himself and directing his attention to Cato now as he stood up again. ‘Keep me updated on any new developments here.’

‘Don’t you want me out there?’ Cato asked, gesturing at the most nearby window, a frown decorating her brow. ‘Not injured myself. I can make myself useful.’

‘And I would like for you to do that here.’

Vitali had not been able to get the visual of- of Daniil, his own fucking brother- attacking Cato and trying to stab her out of his head. He knew Cato had dealt with much, much worse before, and after a short conversation following the incident that same day she had not brought it up anymore-

But Vitali had watched enough of his friends end up in pain. It had to stop.

He made his way back to the door and Judy and Panam followed suit again, both having been dead silent in the few minutes they had spent in the medbay. Much to Vitali’s surprise, Viktor stood up from his stool too and walked with him- but he did not question it. No time for that now.

Vitali still was not entirely sure what had happened.

It had all gone fast; a report of an explosion near Regina’s headquarters, followed by report after report of mercenaries getting injured, dying- none of Vitali’s as of yet, though he was not even able to say for sure since most of their systems had suddenly been down too, an outage in the entire Heywood district leaving them with little to work with.

Brief contact with the Council had once again confirmed to Vitali none of them worried about the Broker. He knew it was his father’s doing; had tried to convince them of it, yet before he could have even said a word a distress signal had disturbed their meeting- the currently absent Wakako had been under attack, and it had marked the end of their communication for the time being.

On his own, once again. Supplies still low, mercenaries exhausted and scared- and Vitali was starting to reach the end of his rope.

‘What is our situation?’ he asked, slightly turning his head as the four of them made their way to mission control.

‘Three squads in the field currently,’ Judy replied and held out her tablet a little so Vitali could take a look at the footage. ‘Shiro and Hux are still over at Wakako’s to assist Goro; no new updates as of yet… Eddie and his squad should be nearing the Northside rendezvous by now.’

‘And V?’

A short pause.

‘Not yet been able to reestablish contact.’

Vitali subconsciously fastened his pace, refusing to say any more of it and he rolled back his shoulders, straightening his back as if to show he was not about to back down to nobody in particular; his heart was still racing in his chest and nausea was bubbling up in his stomach, though he managed to keep it at bay for now- much to his own surprise.

‘Panam- Take whoever you can find and get to Westbrook,’ he said, slightly raising his voice. ‘I need that situation under control, stat. Judy, I need either you or Lauren in the Net. We need our systems back online. Are you up for that?’

The deafening silence that followed caused Vitali to slow down and he looked behind him; Viktor had followed him a little further, though both Panam and Judy had stopped in their tracks at some point, both carrying the same hesitant- nearly terrified- look in their eyes.

‘Please,’ Vitali blurted out, heart skipping a beat though he was unsure whether it was out of frustration or fear. ‘If I could do all of this myself, I would.’

‘No, no-! It’s not that,’ Panam immediately responded, her voice slightly unstable as she spoke, and she redirected her attention to the tablet in Judy’s hands. ‘There’s…’

Before she could finish her sentence, a loud siren cut through the air, filling the streets of Wellsprings, loud enough for them to hear inside Vitali’s office. All the air was punched straight out of his lungs and he hurried back, to look over Judy’s shoulder at the screen.

‘Another explosion,’ she quietly said, her tablet showing a live news feed. ‘The docks. There were people there.’

‘Our people?’

‘I… I can’t tell.’

Vitali caved in.

What was he supposed to do? Times like these reminded him that he was so- small. Insignificant. Merely one man in a city so large, and it didn’t matter what he did. It would never make a difference.

Just like he had never been able to make a difference in Arasaka, like he had wanted to when he had started working for them all those fucking years ago. Stuck in a never ending cycle- a hell of his own making- believing he could mean something in the bigger picture of things-

‘Just the more reason to get a move on,’ Viktor suddenly said. ‘Our people or not- they can use all the help they can get.’

Vitali instantly snapped back to reality and he quickly nodded, a weight washing off his chest when Viktor suddenly reached out and placed a strong hand on his shoulder, almost as if to ground him. His gaze moved back to the girls, and they both seemed to regain themselves as well.

‘Westbrook. Wakako,’ Panam quickly said, and nodded too. ‘Preem, on it. Judes?’

Judy blinked and inhaled deeply, straightening her back and her eyes met Vitali’s for a split second. He understood why she was hesitant. Understood that Lauren would be hesitant, too- after everything that had happened, to the both of them- but they were the only ones capable of diving into the Net and Vitali needed someone to cover that front for him-

Again, if he could do it all himself, he would.

‘I’ll find Lauren, have a chat,’ she finally responded. ‘We’ll- We’ll rock, paper, scissors about it.’

‘Good,’ Viktor said, removing his hand from Vitali’s shoulder. ‘No need for a deep dive, just- getting our systems back online, some surface level surveillance and plugging potential holes in case of an attack.’

Vitali’s heart finally slowed down and he pushed back his shoulders again, head suddenly a lot clearer than before. He watched in silence as Panam gave Judy a warm hug and kiss on her cheek; and she turned around and walked off, giving Vitali a soft punch against his shoulder as she passed him by.

‘Whoever his Netrunner is, they’re good,’ Judy quietly said. ‘Just hope they’re not- not waiting for someone to get in the chair.’

‘I highly doubt it, given the circumstances,’ Vitali replied, knot in his chest briefly tightening. ‘Besides, our focus is defense this time; as long as we stay out of their systems, there is no way they can get to you the way they tried before.’

Of course Vitali could not say any of it with one hundred percent certainty- but what else was there left for him to say? He wished he could do without a runner, wished he could fix any of it himself-

‘You’re right,’ Judy suddenly said and she nodded, sucking in another deep breath. ‘Got you covered, jefe.’

Vitali was unable to suppress a relieved smile.

‘Thank you.’

The situation was hard on everyone. It had been going on for way too long now and still had no end in sight, and these attacks would only complicate things in the long run; yet somehow everyone was still there. Nobody had walked away from it yet, nobody had abandoned Vitali despite the fact the Council was not helping them-

Viktor reached out for him again and softly tapped his arm to get his attention, then nodded into the rest of the hallway.

‘Mission control,’ he encouragingly said. ‘We got work to do, kid.’

The two of them quickly continued their way, Vitali still focused on the siren blaring through the sub-district. He still didn’t fully understand why the attacks were happening, but that was a problem for later; they had to get the situation under control, one way or another. Matvey couldn’t have that many people working for him.

Right?

Vitali bit the inside of his cheek as they entered mission control and exhaled sharply, mind wandering back to all the mercenaries who had walked away from him and had joined his father’s fixer network instead. Add to that all the outsiders who had joined over the years, and his father’s connections to several corporations-

‘There you are.’

Mikhail’s voice dragged Vitali out of the fog in his brain and a sense of comfort washed over him, like the presence of his friend had always been able to do. Mikhail appeared in his view and reached out to briefly cup his cheek, before also glancing at Viktor and giving him a solid nod.

‘Everything alright?’ he asked, tilting his head slightly as he redirected his attention to Vitali.

‘As good as it can be,’ Vitali answered. He carefully let his gaze trail the room; there were only a few people there, mostly talking quietly to each other while nervously glancing at the large screen on the wall. It was still showing a connection error with several large, flashing warning popups. ‘Xe’s got a broken wrist, some bruised ribs- Cato is still with xem for now.’

At times he genuinely wondered how much more injuries it was going to take before someone would end up losing their life.

‘That is good to hear.’ Mikhail spoke quietly and he stepped a little closer to Vitali, once more reaching out to him to place a hand on his upper arm. ‘But I meant with you.’

Vitali blinked, Mikhail’s words taking a moment to fully settle in his head; it was not uncommon for his friend to ask him that, yet at this point Vitali’s own well-being seemed mostly irrelevant to himself given the circumstances they had found themselves in.

‘As good as it can be,’ he quietly repeated himself.

The screen on the wall suddenly flickered and within a few seconds their feed was back online, showing Vitali live footage of the still on-going fight on Jig Jig Street. He immediately directed his attention away from Mikhail and walked closer, reaching for his hearing aid and switching to the communication line of his office building.

‘Judy?’ he asked, watching as the lights in the room briefly flickered off and on as the screen switched to live footage extracted from MaxTac bodycams.

‘Guess again,’ Lauren replied instead, and Vitali once again couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across his face. ‘At your disposal, jefe.’

It was good to have her back. Judy was good at what she did- but at the end of the day more of a techie than a runner and her knowledge was limited to the things she had been taught over time. Taught by Lauren, who had been in the chair for much longer, and whose thinking process lined up almost exactly with that of Vitali meaning less communication was needed between the two in order to get things done.

‘Can we reestablish contact with V?’ Vitali asked, a new sense of control shaking him right back awake. He nearly slipped up- had gotten so comfortable using Vincent’s full name he sometimes forgot not everyone knew about it yet.

‘One step ahead of you. Sending out a ping as we speak,’ Lauren answered. ‘Got all three of them on our radar still, so they’re not- you know. They’re still here.’

Good.

Vitali bit the inside of his cheek hard as he waited for Lauren to get back to him, placing his hands on the desk he was stood in front of. His eyes were glued to the screen, watching intently as the MaxTac officers arrived at the docks of Wellsprings- several cars were on fire, people were running everywhere, and in the background he could see several mercenaries emerge from around the corner right before they opened fire-

‘Got him,’ Lauren said and Vitali’s heart skipped a beat. ‘Connecting you now.’

Finally.

‘V, can you hear me?’ Vitali asked, voice barely stable as he spoke and hands white-knuckled around the edge of the desk in front of him. His heart was once again going a million miles an hour in his chest and he leaned heavily on his arms, suddenly barely able to keep his own balance anymore.

A brief silence followed, though each second that passed felt like an hour. Mikhail had walked closer again and placed a reassuring hand on Vitali’s back, softly running it up and down in an attempt to calm him down.

But as much as Vitali appreciated it, it did not work. He had to hear him. He had to hear his voice.

‘V?’ he repeated, swallowing heavily as tears threatened to well up in the corners of his eyes. ‘V- please say something.’

I can’t lose you. Please- not you.

‘Loud and clear! Fuck, it’s good to hear your voice again.’

Vitali’s eyes fluttered shut and a relieved sigh escaped his lips, and for a second he felt like he could pass out. Vincent’s ever-so bright voice was like music to his ears, even now that he sounded mostly exhausted; Vitali could not blame him. He felt exactly the same.

‘Where are you right now?’ he quietly asked, glancing at Viktor who had walked up to him as well and now stood beside him at the desk, an unreadable expression on his face; had not said a word since back in the hallway, as if he was deep in thought.

‘Near the bridge in Arroyo,’ Vincent answered. ‘Followed some gonks after a scuffle on Hargreaves Street- there’s an old warehouse here that looks like it’s being used as a temporary hideout.’

Another temporary hideout. Good.

It felt too easy. It was too easy- there was no way Matvey would slip up like that and Vitali knew if he would go there he would be walking directly into a trap of some sort.

But he had to try.

‘You’re doing great, but- please don’t push it too far,’ Vitali said, loosening his grip on the desk. ‘Lauren will stay in touch with you, okay? Please be careful.’

‘Careful is my middle name, ‘member?’ Vincent answered, and Vitali could almost see the playful smirk on his face through the communication line. ‘Won’t get too close until you give me the signal, promise.’

Vitali switched off his comms and turned back, resolutely making his way back to the entrance of the room. As always- unable to just sit back and watch, unable to leave the situation to his mercenaries. Yes, he paid them to work for him; yes, they were capable of handling it themselves; but they were his friends, and he could make himself the most useful in the field with them.

‘Where are you going?’ Mikhail asked, a worried frown taking shape on his face as he took some steps after Vitali.

‘Going to meet up with Vincent,’ Vitali plainly answered, briefly slowing his pace and turning back to him. ‘I want you to stay here and oversee the situation. Can you do that for me?’

‘Of course.’ Mikhail paused and swallowed, glancing back at the screen behind him and then looking back at Vitali; but he could not make eye contact anymore, several quiet noises leaving his lips before he spoke again.

‘Please be careful,’ he said in Russian. ‘You know what he’s capable of, now.’

Mikhail had almost died. If Matvey had aimed slightly more to the right-

‘I know,’ Vitali quickly responded, pushing the thoughts out of his head. ‘I’ll be careful, don’t worry.’

He left the room again, head threatening to fill with fog but it was surprisingly easy to push it back this time, mind constantly going back to Vincent. Clack, clack, clack- back into the hallway, to get to weapon storage and get suited up- and much to his surprise, Viktor followed him again.

‘Vitya, you’re not coming with me,’ Vitali instantly said, voice a little sharper than he had meant for and he picked up his pace a little as if he could outrun Viktor like that. He knew the old ripperdoc could fight, and still did every now and then; but he was not a mercenary, far from it, and Vitali did not even want to think about the things that could happen to him out in the field.

‘Don’t think you got much say in any of that,’ Viktor merely responded.

‘You work for me. I would like for you to stay here.’

‘I do- and my shift ended about an hour ago. I’m coming, whether you like it or not. Gonna try and stop me?’

Vitali blinked and straightened his back, a weird sensation running through his chest he couldn’t quite place. They reached weapon storage together, and Viktor instantly reached out to open the door and hold it for Vitali.

Yes, they had worked together before, many times- yet never like this, never together in the field. But Vitali knew Viktor long and well enough to know he was about as stubborn as Vitali himself, and to try and stop him?

Vitali wouldn’t even dare.

‘Get down!’

Vincent jumped out of the way just in time, hiding behind a truck as the cryogenic grenade that had been hurled at his head exploded right on the other side. It set off the truck’s alarm and the piercing noise burned through his ears, disorienting him to the point he briefly forgot where he was.

It was just the five of them; him and four other mercenaries he didn’t even know the names of. Not as if it mattered- they were all allies in this, even the two of them who were not even part of Vitali’s network.

Though at that moment he found himself alone on the street, under attack from all sides by Matvey’s mercenaries- and they were not pulling their punches this time.

Vincent sprinted across the road and kneeled down behind another parked car- or- what was left of it, really. He reloaded his gun and glanced over his shoulder, noticing more enemies coming his way; they came straight from the Broker’s new hideout, heavy assault rifles at the ready, with seemingly an endless supply of ammo.

Vincent himself was on his last clip.

He hadn’t gotten too close to the warehouse, well aware of the security turrets placed on the premises. Toys from the abandoned Arasaka facility they had attacked before, and so far Vincent had not been able to quickhack them.

But the fight going on in the rest of the street had been obvious enough to draw the attention of more people and they had shown up in full force, and despite the fact they were still holding their ground, Vincent was starting to wonder if it would be smarter to pull back.

‘Heads up, V- seeing several drones on my radar coming your way.’

‘Seriously?’ Vincent yelled, exasperation dripping from his voice. ‘Of course they have drones, too.’

‘Hit ‘em on the underside,’ Lauren calmly responded. ‘Saves ammo, should take ‘em down in one or two. Six o’clock- get ready.’

Vincent looked up at the sky and saw three combat drones closing in quickly, all headed straight for him. One of them was already under fire, from what he could see- one of the mercenaries had popped up again and managed to cause the drone to catch fire, and it tumbled out of the air before it could even get close.

Vincent raised his gun and exhaled, relaxing the muscles of his shoulders as he wrapped his finger around the trigger.

Take the wind into account, kid.

Right, of course. Vincent wasn’t good at calculating anything, he usually eyeballed it and somehow it nearly always worked; he quickly adjusted his aim slightly to the right and pulled the trigger, and watched as sparks and black smoke erupted from the bottom of the second drone, right before it exploded and knocked the third drone out of its course straight into a street light.

That was easy.

Don’t get too cocky.

The corners of Vincent’s lips curled up into a smile and he could almost hear Johnny’s exasperated sigh in his head, as if he was still there with him, leaning against the street light next to him perhaps, or sitting on top of the remains of the car he was hiding behind.

Sudden gunfire immediately drew him back to reality and he lowered his head, quickly scuttling around the car to create more distance between himself and the nearing mercenaries. Only limited ammo left- he would have to pick his shots carefully, and there were still so fucking many of them-

Though as Vincent prepared himself for shooting back, most of the gunfire suddenly stopped, and soon it was almost entirely quiet on the street. He frowned and carefully looked up, eyes trailing his surroundings until he saw-

Vitali?

Vincent had never been this relieved to see his boyfriend.

He immediately jumped up and hurried his way over, briefly pausing to sink through his knees and grab a precision rifle from the ground. He slowed his pace, aiming the rifle and steadying himself- and he hit the merc trying to sneak up to Vitali right between the eyes.

Suddenly the world was spinning and Vincent’s head hit the asphalt, vision instantly going black for a few seconds from the impact. The moment he regained consciousness he was pinned to the ground, rifle no longer anywhere near him and two hands wrapped tightly around his neck.

Tears sprung in his eyes as he grabbed the mercenary’s wrists and struggled in their grip. He tried to kick his legs, but they were stuck underneath the merc’s knees, their body weight too much for him to be able to free himself.

Hey, now. Don’t panic.

But it was difficult. Vincent tried to suck in a breath but his windpipe was being crushed, leaving him with little oxygen in his lungs. He reached for the mercenary’s face and tried to poke them in their eye, or grab their hair and yank their head back, anything, but his fingers couldn’t find a grip and they kept turning their head away from him.

His vision was fading again, and rapidly now. Though seconds before he could lose consciousness once more, the weight was suddenly entirely lifted from his body and he gasped for air, instantly kickstarting himself into a coughing fit, the raspy noise from his throat mixing with the cries and screams from the mercenary.

A strong hand grabbed his own and pulled him back on his feet with such force Vincent toppled forward and bumped right into the person who had helped him-

Viktor?

Vincent had known Vitali was on his way, but he had never thought to ever see the ripperdoc in the field there with him.

‘You alright, kid?’ he asked, pushing a new handgun in Vincent’s hands. Vincent was unable to answer and quickly nodded in response, eyes rapidly trailing their surroundings once more-

It was quiet. For now. No enemy mercenaries, just the two of them, Vitali, and their four other allies, all in the process of gathering themselves and assessing the situation.

Catch your breath, V. You’re not in the clear just yet.

Vincent quickly jogged up to Vitali and hugged him without hesitation, relief filling his chest the second Vitali wrapped his arms around his waist in response and buried his face in the crook of Vincent’s neck. To think that at some point Vincent had been hesitant to initiate anything with him, terrified of overstepping a boundary, terrified of the possibility of Vitali prioritizing his reputation over what they had-

‘Are you alright?’ Vitali worriedly asked, lifting his head again and gently cupping Vincent’s face in his hands. ‘Are you injured? I’m sorry it took this long, we were held up by fucking NCPD pigs when trying to cross district border-’

‘I’m okay! I’m okay,’ Vincent quickly interrupted him, slightly turning his head to press a kiss on the palm of Vitali’s hand. ‘You’re here now. I’m- I’m glad you came.’

He watched relief wash over Vitali’s face and lifted his own hands to place them over Vitali’s, thumbs softly running over his skin. Vitali leaned in and rested his forehead against Vincent’s, eyes fluttering shut; the way their heads hit one another with a bit more force than usual told Vincent he was exhausted.

‘All due respect, we gotta get a move on,’ Viktor gently interrupted them, pointing his own weapon into the direction of the warehouse. ‘Looks like they’re reorganizing again.’

‘What’s the plan?’ one of the other mercenaries asked. They were leaning heavily on one of the others, hand clutching their side- all four of them looked as exhausted and beaten as Vincent felt and his chest tightened.

‘I’m going in,’ Vitali bluntly said, slowly lifting his head again. ‘Preferably alone, but- I feel like not everyone here will let me. Could you distract those mercs for me? Just- lure them away, no need for another fight.’

Straightforward as ever, no time for going in circles around the point he was trying to make. Vincent watched as the mercenaries briefly shared a look, and then one of them quickly started making their way to a nearby car and got in.

‘Yeah, we can do that,’ one of the others said, slowly nodding. ‘Why go in? Sounds like suicide to me.’

‘Perhaps,’ Vitali merely answered. ‘But I have to try.’

Another attempt at trying to talk some sense into Matvey. Vincent could not help but wonder why; but at the same time this was far from the right time and place to ask Vitali about it and he wisely kept his mouth shut when his boyfriend started making his way toward the warehouse without saying another word.

Vincent followed suit. Of course he did; he was not going to let Vitali enter the place all by himself, or with just Viktor to back him up. He was unsure how Vitali was going to approach the situation this time, but- he trusted him. Had always trusted him; wasn’t going to let that change now.

A loud honk from a car behind them startled Vincent and he instinctively jumped aside, only realizing when the vehicle passed by him it were the mercenaries- one of them waved at him as the car drove by. Vincent watched them slow down in front of the warehouse and fire a couple of shots at the mercenaries outside; as soon as they all began moving toward the car, they sped off, leaving the terrain surrounding the warehouse mostly cleared.

Eyes open. Watch out for those turrets.

The three of them quickly made their way around the building from a respectable distance, keeping their eyes on the stationary turrets as Johnny had told Vincent to do. Vincent’s heart was still going faster than usual, adrenaline rushing through his body and keeping him alert; it was not as bad yet as when they’d attacked Matvey’s previous hideout, but it was getting close to it.

Perhaps he wasn’t there. Perhaps it was just a rendezvous for the mercenaries, perhaps they would go inside and find nothing but the Broker’s people and a shitton of supplies, perhaps Matvey himself was someplace entirely else, looking down on them from his bloodied throne-

But something told Vincent he was inside. Waiting.

‘Stay alert,’ Vitali said, raising his gun while slowly pushing against the back door of the warehouse. ‘No idea what to expect.’

An unguarded, unlocked door. It felt like a trap. But at the same time, if Matvey had wanted them dead he would have done that last time. Well- he would have tried a little harder then, at least.

Right?

They went in.

The interior of the warehouse was poorly lit. A small backroom; some crates and supplies stacked up along the walls, and two tables standing shoved against each other in the middle of the room. The door leading into the hallway on the wall opposite of them was already open, and Vincent could hear booming, echoing voices from what he could only assume was a larger open area within the building’s walls.

He aimed his gun at the door, briefly glancing behind him as Viktor entered after him and shoved one of the crates in front of the door to keep it ajar. Vitali pushed himself past the tables and glanced into the hallway, then turned to Vincent and gestured for him to follow.

It was too easy. But what else could they do?

The hallway was empty too and seemed to grow in size before Vincent’s eyes, his breathing shallow as they carefully moved through it. The sudden urge to turn around and run away filled his chest; something that rarely happened, but it felt appropriate in the moment.

Of course he was terrified. But again- he was not going to leave Vitali. If it had been the other way round, Vitali wouldn’t have run away either.

The three of them gathered around the next door opening, leading into the central room of the warehouse. Vincent carefully peered inside and counted five mercenaries still present- right at that moment, the front doors swung open and three more entered, but after grabbing some new weapons they left again.

Vincent’s eyes were drawn to the two men loudly talking to each other. One of them was bald, Valentinos tattoos covering his head and neck, and he was dressed in heavy combat armor; the other was skinny and at least a head shorter than the other man, left side of his forehead, temple and his left eye replaced with cyberware, and he was still yelling about as loud if not louder than his associate.

‘Sanders and Dusty,’ Vitali mumbled, a quiet scoff leaving his lips with the statement. ‘Fucking traitor.’

Vincent had seen Sanders once before, on the big screen back at Vitali’s office after one of his escorts had nearly been blown up. He was unfamiliar with Dusty, but had heard his name before, at least- and he was well aware the man was one of the many mercenaries who had left Vitali’s network, only to join Matvey’s instead.

‘Don’t lose focus,’ Viktor quietly responded, positioned next to Vincent. ‘Not what we’re here for.’

So easy to just flatline ‘em, though.

Shut up, Johnny.

Vincent directed his attention to Vitali and watched the expression on his face change. He visibly clenched his jaw and straightened his back again, regaining himself as he nodded, not saying another word about it.

Vincent admired him so much. He knew many people, though none of them had the level of self-restraint in them as Vitali, and especially since he himself still often struggled with controlling himself and his emotions he had immense respect for Vitali and the way he was able to keep it together.

But he was also well aware Vitali had been struggling lately. It was visible in his appearance- the dark rims around his eyes, the dark roots of his hair showing much more prominently than he would usually allow for- and in the way he would sometimes be barely present- either lost inside his own head, or remnants of Arasaka’s brainwashing- yet he was still making it through and handling the situation better than Vincent ever could.

‘Can I help you, gentlemen?’

A familiar voice, right behind them.

Vincent flinched and turned around but was immediately met with Viktor’s back as he stepped in front of him, and Vitali instantly jolted forward and stumbled into the larger room to create as much distance between himself and the voice as possible.

Matvey Dobrynin.

Fuck.

Vincent immediately followed Vitali, raising his gun steadily at the mercenaries inside the moment they looked up in confusion; Dusty immediately raised his own gun too but the others stood unmoving, merely staring at the two of them, and watching as Viktor too entered the room, walking backwards, keeping himself positioned between Vitali and the Broker.

‘Took you long enough,’ Matvey said, his voice booming through the room as he slowly entered after them. ‘Have been expecting you for some hours now. Your priorities lie elsewhere?’

‘Some…situations that required my immediate attention,’ Vitali spat back, steadying himself and cocking his head up, chin pushed forward. ‘As you are most likely well aware.’

‘Vito,’ Vincent quietly mumbled, stepping a little closer until their shoulders were pressed against each other. He was still facing the other way and nervously watched while the mercenaries wandered closer, Dusty up front.

‘So you really are back, huh?’ the short man said, half a smile lingering on his lips as he walked around the two of them, completely unfazed by Vincent’s gun pointed directly at his head. ‘Hey, boss. Missed me?’

The mocking tone of his voice made Vincent’s stomach turn and he instantly noticed a dark shadow washing over Vitali’s face. Dusty was merely staring at him- and the smile on his face only widened upon seeing Vitali’s frustration.

‘Pathetic piece of shit!’ Vitali spat at him and took a step closer- and within seconds the other mercenaries had their guns out too and Vincent grabbed Vitali’s wrist to stop him from moving any closer.

‘Come on, now, Vitali- no need for such language,’ Matvey calmly said, and Vincent finally turned his head to look at him; white shirt, top button undone, no tie, sleeves rolled up, hair pushed back out of his face-

A knot took shape in Vincent’s chest. In appearance, Vitali truly was his father’s son.

‘You have no say in that,’ Vitali said, the sharp edge to his words startling Vincent a little. He had taken a step closer to Vincent again, but the way he composed himself told Vincent he was still ready to attack at any given moment. ‘What happened between me and my mercenaries is none of your fucking business.’

‘I think it is my business, considering they are no longer your mercenaries but mine.’ Matvey gestured at the mercs to lower their guns and they listened instantly- it made Vincent nauseous.

Told you to just flatline ‘em.

Not the time, Johnny.

‘Being upset about my departure is one thing, but turning on me and trying to kill my mercenaries crosses a line,’ Vitali continued, but Dusty instantly cut him off.

‘It’s not about you leaving,’ he said, ‘it’s about us losing our safety net. I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about you running off to wherever you went! But you provided us with a lot more than just cash- and Mikhail sure as hell didn’t follow through with all of that in your absence. Do you have any idea what it’s like to suddenly just be left to your own fucking devices?’

Vitali’s face hardened and he glared in his father’s direction.

‘As a matter of fact, I do.’

The tension in the air surrounding them was suffocating and Vincent briefly lowered his gun as well, arm suddenly a lot heavier than before. He tightened his grip on Vitali’s wrist and he turned to look at Matvey again when said man cleared his throat.

‘It is all in the past now,’ he merely said, and despite it being obvious he was referring to Vitali’s mercenary situation Vincent couldn’t help but notice the heaviness of his words. ‘There is no use in trying to undo what has already been done.’

‘But you can stop!’

Vitali’s voice broke.

‘Stop all of this- this madness!’ he said, wildly gesturing around with his free arm. Vincent was up close enough to notice his eyes filling with tears. ‘Tell your mercenaries to pull back, leave Night City out of this!’

‘This is not all about you, Vitali,’ Matvey slowly said, his voice low.

‘Truly so? I fucking doubt it!’

Vitali’s voice echoed through the room and a strangled sob left his throat.

‘You get fired, and this is what you do?’ he said, and when Vincent let his own hand slip into his, he gratefully interlocked their fingers. ‘And you blame me for it. And you claim I abandoned you- I called! I called every fucking day, dad- I tried to reach out, I didn’t want to- I didn’t want you to-‘

He was unable to finish his sentence.

Vincent’s eyes darted between Vitali and Matvey, breathing shallow and heart beating rapidly in his throat as he watched a shadow wash over the Broker’s face. His expression had changed- yet remained unreadable to Vincent, and he quickly regained himself the moment he realized Vitali was no longer speaking.

‘It was your mother’s decision,’ he bluntly said. ‘But enough of that. I think- this should be enough for now. Sanders, give them the signal. We’re leaving.’

That’s it?

Vincent had no idea what to think anymore.

It had felt like a trap. It had looked like it, too; but now it was suddenly over, just like that, as if it hadn’t even been a big deal to begin with. Not to mention Matvey’s words; telling Vitali it had not been his decision to ignore him after he had left home- what did it change?

‘Not so fast,’ Viktor suddenly said and Vincent’s head snapped up again. Matvey had stepped forward and Viktor had positioned himself in front of him once more, effectively blocking his path.

‘All of this- for what?’ Viktor continued; and Vincent could not help but notice he wasn’t holding his gun anymore. ‘Because you believe your son walked away from you?’

‘One does not walk away from family,’ Matvey instantly spat back, voice slightly raised, and for a second it was as if they were looking at a completely different man the way sudden rage overtook his face. ‘First he left, and then he took everything from us. You have no idea what you are talking about- tread lightly.’

‘Ever wondered why he left?’ Viktor interrupted him. ‘Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you had somethin’ to do with that? Or that maybe you getting fired was out of his control?’

‘Vik, stop,’ Vitali quietly said, but the ripperdoc didn’t hear him and instead took a step closer, to the point the mercenaries, who had started to turn away, stopped in their tracks and turned back, watching them carefully.

‘Kids grow up,’ he slowly said. ‘Leave the nest at some point in their lives. You know what sounds like abandonment to me? Not answering their calls. Ignoring their attempts to connect. Feels like you got some o’ the detes of your story twisted, dad.’

Everything happened so fast.

Matvey swung at Viktor but was too slow and Viktor caught his punch with ease- then balled his fist and went for a swing himself and he hit Matvey right on his nose. Vitali flinched when it happened, and the mercenaries all started yelling, reaching for their weapons once more.

Vincent instantly looked up at the hanging ceiling lights above their heads, rapidly scanned them and triggered a quickhack- the bulbs exploded all at once, causing the mercs to scatter before they could fire any shots; and he jolted forward, pushing himself past Viktor and Matvey and dragging Vitali along with him, back into the hallway, to safety.

‘Fuck!’ Vitali cried out and tugged on Vincent’s hand as if he was trying to slow him down, but Vincent was having none of it. With all of his strength he managed to drag Vitali back to the room they had entered the building through and they stumbled back outside, the sunlight briefly blinding him.

‘We have to go back,’ Vitali said, his voice still unstable. He stumbled back towards the door, but it instantly swung open again and Viktor barged outside, seemingly unscathed, startling Vitali to the point he jumped back into Vincent.

‘What the fuck was that about?’ Vincent yelled, nearly losing his balance from the impact of Vitali’s body against his own. He wasn’t even angry, Matvey had it coming- but they had gotten what they had come for and if anything this had just put them in unnecessary danger.

‘Someone had to do it,’ Viktor simply responded, briefly glancing behind him. ‘I don’t think they’re comin’ after us, but- let’s bounce before more show.’

Vincent was speechless.

He sucked in a deep breath and tried to get his heartbeat to slow down but his body was having none of it, still believing they were in danger- and truly, he had no idea if they were safe or not. They had been inside for such a short period of time, yet so much fucking happened- and he couldn’t wrap his head around it.

And like that, they were walking away again.

But it did not feel right.

Vincent remained silent as he walked, eyes glued on Vitali, a little bit ahead of him. He was walking fast; visibly struggling a little, despite the leg brace, but he said nothing of it as they made their way through the street again, back to where he had parked his car.

Vincent’s dad loved his job too.

A little too much, if you’d asked Vincent- to the point he would always excitedly tell his wife and four kids about the crimes he had solved that day over dinner, in such great and vivid detail it would almost make you wonder if he was even allowed to talk about all of that.

And- highly unsuitable for kids, of course. Vincent could perfectly recall many occasions in which he’d ended up with nightmares because of the overly graphic stories of his asshole cop of a father, and to say he cared about his old man would be a fat fucking lie. It’s why he had not bothered to try and stay in touch with his parents, after he had left home.

But he knew that if Richard had been fired for whatever reason, he would not have put the blame on any of his kids. And he knew- it had happened before, when his brother Jason had suddenly left home when Vincent was twelve- he knew he would never accuse them of abandoning the family, even if they were to leave in a hurry, even if they would never call again.

But at the same time, if Richard had been in Matvey’s position, doing what he did- endangering Vincent’s friends, seemingly hunting them down for sports- Vincent would not have hesitated to deal with him the easy way.

It was a complicated situation. Vincent did not know all the details on Vitali and Matvey’s relationship and from what he could gather it was a lot more complicated than he had initially assumed. If it had been up to Vincent, he would have already pulled the trigger-

But it was not up to him. At the end of the day, Vitali was still his boss- but he was also his boyfriend, his best friend. Vincent had no right to make that decision for him.

He bit the inside of his lip and briefly glanced behind him at the warehouse. He noticed several cars driving in their direction and he immediately reached for his weapon again, readying himself for another fight- but the cars stopped at the warehouse and the mercs who had still been inside left the building.

Matvey was nowhere to be seen.

It would be so easy- so easy to turn back and go back inside, attack him when he’s all by himself- but when Vincent looked back at Vitali and noticed his clenched, shaking fists and the thousand yard stare plastered on his face, he knew it was of no use to try and suggest it to him.

So instead he jogged up to him and gently took his hand again, thumb reassuringly running over the back of his hand as he gave it a light squeeze, and he allowed Vitali to slightly lean in to him while they walked for support.

‘We got what we came for,’ he quietly said, leaning in to give Vitali a kiss on his cheek. ‘It’s over- for now.’

‘I don’t know,’ Vitali quietly replied. He briefly looked at Vincent, but was unable to hold his gaze and he quickly turned his head again, eyes wandering off to the distance as a shallow exhale left his chest.

‘I have a bad feeling about this.’

Vitali’s head hurt.

They’d arrived at a rendezvous a few minutes ago- a small apartment in Japantown, sometimes used as a safehouse by Vitali’s mercs- and had reunited with Shiro, Huxley and Panam and her squad. Viktor had sat himself down on the couch the moment they’d entered and had not moved since; and Vincent was in the kitchen, slowly trying to wash some dried up blood off his arms.

Had Vitali been a little more present, he would have helped him.

But he was lost inside his own thoughts, standing at the window and staring down onto the busy streets as his eyes darted from the left to the right, looking- searching, for anything out of the ordinary, anything that would tell him his father’s mercenaries had decided to get back to work.

It had all stopped, after they had visited the warehouse. Lauren had reported back to Vitali, telling him the ongoing confrontations had stopped and she was gathering footage of the sudden retreat, to hopefully be able to trace it all to a single location for their next move; whatever that would be.

He was cold.

Freezing, actually- it was a decent temperature outside and the apartment was full enough at the time to warm up by itself, yet Vitali found himself shivering and he could barely feel his fingertips.

He did not understand Matvey’s anger. It was unreasonable to the point Vitali could barely believe he was awake; truly all of this, because he had left home? Because his parents had been fired, indirectly because of him?

He took everything from us.

A soft, sudden scoff left Vitali’s lips, startling himself. Everything- yet money-wise Matvey was still doing just fine, business-wise too, and despite it all he still had his wife and daughter.

Was he truly so blinded by his hatred for Vitali to see?

‘Fuck you,’ Vitali mumbled to nobody in particular and dropped his head against the cold glass of the window with a little bit more force than he had meant for. ‘All I ever did was try.’

Words he wished he could say to him. Words he wished he could have said to him a long time ago; but he had simply never been able to, whether it was because he was too afraid or because Matvey wasn’t listening or because he just wasn’t there.

All he had ever done was try, and now he was doubting it. Had any of it been worth it? Was it still worth it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just give up?

But what would happen then? Vitali still had his friends relying on him; he still had his business to take care of, and the Council was also still there, expecting him to take care of his responsibilities despite rarely taking care of their own. Would he move on, pretend nothing was happening?

How many more people would get injured? How many more people would die?

Vitali turned his head to look at Viktor. He still hadn’t moved- leaning back into the cushions, head resting on top, eyes fixed on the ceiling- expression unreadable, but Vitali knew he was mostly just trying to catch his breath.

He had punched Matvey. It’d given Vitali a visceral reaction- but he was unsure why.

He kept his eyes on the ripperdoc as the events from earlier began replaying in his head. He did not understand why Matvey had let them walk away again; did not understand why it had been so easy to get him to stop. He doubted Matvey had been so moved by what Vitali had said to him that it had changed his mind- no, it had all been planned, like a game of chess, once again one step ahead of him-

But for what? Why had it been so easy?

Vitali felt his heartbeat begin to speed up again and quickly redirected his attention to the TV, biting the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood. But if anything, it made him feel worse; the news was showing footage of the attacks of earlier that day and his stomach turned.

A fixer, dead. Plenty of mercenaries as well- some well-known names even, though Vitali had not even bothered to ask who the fixer in question was. Nobody on the Council at least- he wouldn’t have stopped hearing about it if so.

He knew Matvey had bigger plans for all of Night City, yet for some reason he still felt responsible. It was still his father, after all- but at the same time his father’s problems with the city were not Vitali’s fault. Not in the slightest.

The others were talking too loud. Too much noise surrounding him- and his breath got caught in his throat and his eyes started burning again, tears welling up in the corners as his environment finally overwhelmed him to the point he felt like he was going to either throw up or pass out.

No situation had ever done this to him before. The aftermath of the Heist came close; yet somehow this was worse, much worse, and drawing comparisons with the failed gig from the year before was not helping either.

‘Vitali? I think you should…turn on the TV for a sec.’

Vitali blinked upon hearing Lauren’s voice and he quickly regained himself, exhaling sharply as he pushed the thoughts out of his head. He walked over to the coffee table, then grabbed the remote and turned up the volume. The second he did, the others all went quiet instantly and directed their attention to it as well.

‘Lauren, what’s happening? Talk to me,’ Vitali said, not patient enough to try and piece the situation together from listening to the reporter.

‘NCPD’s investigating the attacks, MaxTac on the scene as well,’ Lauren quickly replied. ‘Looking into the source of the problem- where the mercs are coming from.’

A silence washed over the room and the puzzle pieces slowly began clicking together in Vitali’s head, and a sharp exhale left his body as he stumbled back until he hit the wall next to the window he’d been standing at.

‘They don’t have much to go on, but the Council does,’ Lauren quietly continued. ‘Pickin’ up chatter from within the network- lots of your old mercenaries, right?’

She did not need to say more, really.

‘They’re tracing the attacks back to you, jefe.’

No.

Vitali shook his head, as if Lauren could see him; as if it would change anything; as if it would set everything right. And he laughed- truly it was just a joke, right? The Council couldn’t really believe that he was behind all this; why would they?

He looked at his friends, and the smile faded from his face. They were all looking at him- some worried- some scared.

Were they scared of him?

‘What are they saying?’ Vitali quietly asked, eyes finding Vincent’s; his boyfriend could not hold his gaze and quickly looked away.

‘Talkin’ about your time with Arasaka. Both when you worked for them, and- last year. I get the sense they don’t know what happened there. Don’t know about the brainwashing.’

‘Rogue knows, she was there!’ A pause, a deep breath. No need to raise his voice. ‘I- I’m sorry. Can you connect me through?’

‘Don’t think so. It’s not a direct connection- just tellin’ you what I’m picking up “he-said-that-she-said” style. I can ping them to arrange a meeting, if you’d like?’

Vitali was no longer able to answer her.

He took everything from us.

He slowly walked forward, eyes still locked on the TV screen as it showed him footage of the burning docks of Wellsprings. Each step he took, his leg protested painfully, and he nearly lost his balance a couple of times.

The Council blaming Vitali for these attacks would have dire consequences for him, and he was well aware. The sole purpose of the gathering of fixers was to ensure the safety of the innocent people of Night City, and if they believed Vitali was behind the attacks they would put a price on his head.

He would lose everything.

‘He isn’t trying to kill you,’ Viktor suddenly quietly said, and Vitali couldn’t stop a single tear from rolling down his cheek.

‘He’s trying to take everything away from you.’

#nuclearwriting #rbs much appreciated :) <3 #last chapter of part 2 babey the dots have finally connected >:^)#it's all coming together very nicely if i may say so myself. i am not doing any chapter planning so i'm glad it's working LMAO #that's also why like. if i Do end up being inconsistent a little bit. i'm not planning out any of this i'm just going with it #but i think it's going pretty well! either way. tee hee and so on #viktor my beloved... and [redacted] is here too for a little bit. even though it's not really him anymore #something about vitali at the start of all this wanting to find out who the broker is to deal with the root of the problem #but now he can't pull the trigger. something about that. much to think about #obviously it's because of like. matvey being the broker. but also. does it really take care of the rest of the problem if he kills him?#the mercenaries are still there. will they stop at some point? will they not? what is nadya's role in all of this? and roksana's role?#much to think about!! and all of that will be relevant in part 3 and 4 babey!!!!!#taking a break for a little bit right now to do at least a Little bit of chapter planning because i do want to do this right #there's an interlude between part 2 and 3 maybe i'll write a little timeline summary post for that :) more detes coming soon!#ch:the broker

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