#but i don't think “love” and abuse are mutually exclusive

[wildbasil]

things haven't been great but i think they will be. eventually 🌻🌼🩷

#personal #comics #tw abuse #digital art #personal comic #for the record no i don't think my mother loves me #but the idea that she did kept me in an awful situation for a very long time #the number of times people said “she's your mother. she's trying her best. of course she loves you” etc etc #but i don't think “love” and abuse are mutually exclusive #like even if someone DOES love you it doesn't mean it's not abuse and it doesn't mean it's ok #art tag

[littlemisssatanist]

my acotar unpopular opinions

taking this time to come out as an acotar reader. yes i've read all the books and i've spent way too much time thinking about it. i enjoy the books in the sense that i enjoy hating on many of the characters and loving a few of the others.

be forewarned inner circle fans. you will not like this.

rhysand is not a 'morally grey' character. he's a rapist and a groomer. he sexually assaulted feyre utm, he groomed her (reminder that she was 19 in acotar), and he withheld important medical information from her. 'you'll always have a choice' my ass.

nesta telling feyre about her pregnancy was not a bad thing. why do people act like it is? 'oh she did it to hurt feyre' hurt her by doing what? revealing the lies that her beloved husband had woven? revealing the fact that she'd die giving birth? the fact that rhysand told literally everybody but feyre?

mor is not the champion for women everyone thinks she is. this i will give to sjm it is truly impressive to make a character like women and still be a pick me. i'm not even going to go into her whole weird ass relationship with her dad (i still don't understand why she wouldn't just kill him. 'oh rhys needed the army' rhys is supposed to be the most powerful high lord ever. either admit he's a fucking loser or give me an actual good reason for this) or the fact she's seemingly incapable of doing anything to help the women in the court of nightmares, but everytime she was mentioned, i had to let out a heavy sigh and rub my temples.

on a similar topic. i liked eris. like a lot. out of all the acotar characters sjm has written, eris is by far my favorite.

the inner circle needs to sit the fuck down. they are the most hypocritical bitches i've ever met. they like to think themselves high and mighty. reading them make fun of lucien's band of exiles while their name is literally 'court of dreamers' was the most infuriating thing ever. and then they have the gall to be insulted when called out. don't dish what you can't take.

out of all the inner circle, the only one i don't hate is azriel. this is simply because he is the only one who hasn't opened his big fat mouth and done something bad (except if you maybe count his whole thing with elain). cassian is on my hit list. it's on sight with cassian.

nessian is sjm's worst ship and i will stand by that. lucien/nesta could have been so much. 'nesta would have ripped lucien apart' and cassian was your first choice? not even azriel was considered? like be so for real right now. sjm didn't see the potential of lucien/nesta and i will forever mourn that.

sjm is a terrible writer. i'm not saying this to be mean but she seriously just sucks at it. that being said i admire her ability to still make millions of dollars off her shitty writing. as a woman, i am rooting for her. as a reader, every day i wake up a shoot a prayer to the heavens begging the gods to not let sjm write any more books from the inner circle's pov.

lucien/elain is better than azriel/elain. argue with the wall.

eris/azriel is better than azriel/elain. you can kiss my ass.

NESTA/ERIS IS BETTER THAN RHYSAND/FEYRE. i know this because i have been enlightened.

feyre is a victim to rhysand. that being said, she is also a major bitch. both can be true because these things are not mutually exclusive. i wish she could make friends outside of the ic like nesta did, but i know that's unlikely.

feyre's pregnancy storyline was completely useless and went against her whole character.

acomaf retconned everything about tamlin and feyre's relationship in order to make more money. idc.

tamlin gets a ridiculous amount of hate. rhysand is hypocritical. so tamlin locking feyre in a house because she wants to ride out with him into potential danger is terrible and abusive, but rhysand locking nesta in the house of wind for... *checks notes*... having sex and spending money on alcohol is helping her? what?

#anti rhysand #anti sjm #anti inner circle #anti acotar #rhysand critical #inner circle critical #acotar #acotar critical #pro nesta #anti nessian #pro eris vanserra #anti mor #this might be a controversial one

[doubleca5t]

Bored tumblr radfem here to take the bait- What kind of gender feelings were you having? Magical ineffable girly feelings about wanting to wear spinny dresses and play with dolls? You know what gender feelings I was having as a young woman- Feeling afraid of the men sexually assaulting me. Wanting to be seen as a whole human being with interests and ambitions. Alienation as a gnc lesbian which made me want to chop my tits off. Those are the gender feelings I had. Very curious to hear about yours

Ok to answer your question, the gender feelings I was getting from since I was a little kid were along the lines of:

"I wish I could have been born a girl, I don't really like being a boy that much"

"women's clothes are so much better than than men's clothes, I wish I was a girl so I could wear them"

"My female friends kind of act like I'm 'one of the girls' but my male friends never treat me like I'm 'one of the guys'. I like this arrangement. I don't want to fit in with the boys."

"I wish my face was more androgynous and I wasn't as tall, that way I could dress up as a girl and everyone would be totally convinced"

"I can't stand romance stories. Unless it's a romance between two girls. Those rule. Really wish there were more of them 😔"

"I love women but I don't really relate to how cishet men talk about women. For some reason I *really* relate to how lesbians and bisexual women talk about women though."

I think you get the idea.

With that out of the way, there's kind of a second question underlying your initial question which is "what the fuck do you think is so fun about being a woman? being a woman is fucking terrible." And I think that question is worth answering as well since it's probably something a lot of people are legitimately curious about.

The short answer is that, in my experience, "womanhood" as a concept is broad and varried enough that different people are going to get different things out of it, and while all women are oppressed and traumatized by patriarchy, the way they process that trauma is VERY far from uniform.

I know lots of cis women who've been through similar things to what this anon has described, but they haven't come out of it with nearly the same perspective. They recognize that just because *they* can never be comfortable with the role that society prescribed to them, that doesn't mean that no one else can or should be comfortable with that role. They recognize that you can take joy in the aesthetics and performance of a lot of things that are stereotypically feminine while still asserting your value as a person and refusing to put up with patriarchal bullshit. And perhaps most importantly, they recognize that the notion that someone can choose their gender is not contradictory to the idea that people should not be forced into a rigidly defined gender role. There are a lot of trans men who want to look like femboys or dress like flamboyant glam-rockers. There are a lot of trans women who don't give a shit about fashion or makeup and just want to be comfortable, or aspire to look like a capital d Dyke.

And like.... Idk isn't there something freeing about that? The idea that you can be whatever gender you want in whatever way you want, patriarchy be damned. That seems like the kind of world I want to live in.

So yeah anon, I understand why you view womanhood the way you do. For someone with your experiences, it makes a lot of sense. But I don't think your perspective has to be mutually exclusive to mine. I want to live in a world where women aren't forced to present a certain way from birth, don't live in constant fear of abuse and assault by men, and aren't belittled and marginalized at every turn. I just happen to also think that the idea of biologically determined gender is just as much bullshit as the idea of systemically enforced gender roles.

[brookheimer]

looking at the 'midseason trailer' and seeing roman fighting his siblings, roman shitting on gerri, roman working for fascists, roman walking proudly through ATN like logan did just two days prior... it's not surprising, but it is fucking sad.

logan's death will not free roman. instead, it will reforge the chains he's worn all his life, casting them in iron -- that's what roman deserves for thinking, for the first time in his life, that maybe he wants the chains off. that's what roman deserves for killing his father by not loving him enough, by not loving him correctly or at the right times. logan's death will not free roman at all. if anything, it will imprison him.

(as always, this got very long, so keep reading under the cut!)

this was the worst case scenario for roman. not just logan dying, but the exact way everything played out. he betrayed his siblings, he fired gerri -- for nothing. he could have been on the plane with his father in his last moments -- he refused. his last interaction with his father was leaving logan a voice message that called him a cunt -- the first time roman has ever, ever, questioned or stood up to his father, and also the last. we don't know what killed logan. we probably never will. but god if it won't feel awfully coincidental to roman: the one time he fought back against his father or even showed the slightest hint of doing so, his father died. is it likely that logan heard roman's voice memo and keeled over because he called him a cunt? no. but is it just as possible as anything else? entirely. roman might have killed his dad. roman murdered logan when he could've been on the plane with him holding his hand, if he were a good son. he didn't even tell logan he loved him. not that he needed to, it fucking oozed from his every pore and the desperate nature of that love was one of the reasons logan could never quite stand him -- but that's not the point. roman's one attempt at agency, at setting boundaries, at standing up for himself killed his fucking father.

logan dying would never have been good for roman, at least in his current state, no matter how the actual death came to pass. people often talk about abusive relationships as if the end-all-be-all fixer to abuse is independence, and it's not. independence isn't always enough to heal, especially not when it's forced upon you rather than something you choose. this is especially true for roman, i think. what roman needed was not just to gain his own independence, but to realize that independence and love are not mutually exclusive, that gaining one does not mean losing the other. logan's always hammered in roman's weakness, his wrongness; roman was never someone who deserved to be loved on his own terms. roman's never considered himself to be someone with agency and authority in his relationships -- he's been told over and over again that he isn't a real person, that there's something deeply wrong and unfixable in him, and he believes it. he's never set boundaries with his father or even his siblings because i don't think he really realizes he has the power to do that. he's simply there until people decide they no longer have use for him or want him around, and he'll always come crawling back after a kick because he doesn't realize he's not on a leash -- that he doesn't need to be on a leash. independence has been unreachable all his life, he isn't normal or real enough to be a real normal independent capable person, but if he grovels and shows his use enough, then maybe he can be loved. but his dependence and loyalty is all he's good for. independence means no love, no family, no relationships. and roman desperately wants, needs, those relationships in a way that none of the other characters do (or at least can admit to) -- he wants his father in his life, no matter what; he wants his siblings in his life, no matter what. but independence, being his own person, separating himself from logan's side means he'd lose everything else, everyone else. he's not good for anything anyways. it's not like he has other options.

...until the start of season four. that's why this is all so tragic -- more than anyone else, it seemed like roman was on the road to healing. it seemed like he was finally realizing that independence and love might not be as mutually exclusive as he's been made to think: maybe he could be independent while still having a relationship with his siblings and even his father. maybe he could have his cake and eat it too. he's realized that he's capable, that he has his own worth, and that he can be successful without living under logan's thumb -- and, more importantly, could still text him on his birthday and try to rebuild a relationship, this time outside of business. outside of "that room" in waystar royco. an actual fucking family relationship. that's what escaping the cycle would look like for roman — not complete separation, not a metaphorical killing of his father, but the ability to live alongside him, to have a life outside of him, to love his father without living for him. so simply removing logan from the equation wouldn’t help roman, not when what he needs most is to realize that self-respect is not mutually exclusive with love, that being your own person isn’t a betrayal, that family and love aren’t dependent on how low you can kneel and won’t be whisked away the moment you stand up. and for the first time in his life, it seemed like he was on track to discovering this. maybe he and the siblings could have the hundred, logan could keep going with atn, and in a few years down the line they'd all get together to talk shop and joke around and coexist -- for the first time, he had started to think of himself as enough of a real, okay person to be allowed to coexist with his family, rather than naturally subordinating himself in every interaction.

roman could’ve been his own person, could’ve escaped the cycle, could’ve started a business with his siblings and tried to heal, but now he won’t. he can’t. roman can’t become his own person now, not when his first attempt to do so is exactly what killed logan. it’s his fault. he fucked up and now there’s no dad. he gained his independence, but at what cost? love. that’s the cost. it always has been and always will be. nothing could be more detrimental to roman roy than the exact series of events that occurred in this episode, because just as he started to see a world beyond his father, logan dies -- proving once and for all that the only world beyond logan is one without him in it at all. that’s been roman’s fear all along and why he’s stuck so close to his side: roman loves and loves and loves and is terrified, terrified, of death. of loss. but in a moment of 'weakness,' roman wobbled (he tried to stand up to logan rather than just taking the kicks as he's supposed to, as he always has), and his father paid the ultimate price. there’s no more dad. there’s no reviving him.

…unless, of course, there is. unless roman can undo his error by choosing his father again, and again, and again. becoming logan is the closest roman can get to resurrecting him, after all. and besides, doesn’t he owe it to dad after killing him? after calling him a cunt, choosing not to be with him on that plane he ended up dying on? after forgetting to even say “i love you dad” before the end? roman needs to fix things. needs to make it like dad's still here. needs to make it like he didn't kill his own father by refusing him for the first time in his life. so roman will be the firebreather logan wanted -- he'll do ATN, he'll push for mencken, he'll do whatever it fucking takes to try and make things right. if it's his fault logan's no longer here, then he needs to do everything he possibly can to fulfill his dying wishes, to do what logan would've done, were he alive.

"dad can't die, he's dad." he can't ever die. he's immortal, and his immortality was solidified by the circumstances of his death -- logan will not die. he’ll live on in roman, as roman.

roman will make sure of it.

#to clarify -- i do not think this is roman's endgame. i Hope it is not his endgame. i just think based on the previews and everything we #know about both him and the upcoming episodes... i think this is where his arc is heading for now. and it will be UNBEARABLE to watch #i'm hoping things get better by the end. that there's reconciliation and an ending open enough to allow for a slim possibility of future #healing. but as of right now... i think things are going to get a lot - a LOT - fucking worse before they get better (if they get better..) #k it's 1:30 am i haven't read over this at all so fair warning there. but yeah. told yall i had a lot of thoughts re: what this might do to #roman. hats off to jesse armstrong for creating the literal worst situation imaginable for him. fucking ingenious. i too love putting this #sad little man in situations! but yeah. gonna be watching thru my hands but eating it up while weeping etc etc etc #succession #succession spoilers #roman roy #succession meta #succession s4 #connor's wedding #logan roy #casey shut the fuck up about roman roy #100 #500 #succession speculation

[canyourfavesurvivecastledracula]

Princess Entrapta, from the 2018 Netflix reboot of She-Ra

Strengths: willingness to examine supernatural phenomena from a scientific standpoint; cybernetic prehensile hair allows her to escape from basically any physical restraints Dracula puts her in; has shown resistance to mind-controlling effects above and beyond other characters in the show; experienced in befriending pale-faced evil geniuses like Hordak; carries a shitton of tools on her person at all times

Weaknesses: would absolutely go poking around in the deeper areas of the Castle; tends to focus on learning more about a threat rather than dealing with it immediately; might make Dracula's brides jealous; lackluster sense of self-preservation

I was scrolling my inbox looking for an appropriate one to schedule for Pi Day (shockingly, no one has submitted any Talking Pies) and this seems like the right option

Oh Entrapta... it's all in the name isn't it. Would she see Dracula as a potential lab partner I wonder? She's very [whatever]-century up to date with a vengeance and he is more about the old powers which mere modernity cannot kill. And she's into that to! But there are no robots to play with in Castle Dracula. Maybe they could bond over their mutual love of trains (I have to assume Entrapta would love trains. They're not robots, but they're the closest the 1890s have to offer). Although why would you invite Princess Entrapta to your castle if you haven't got any robots to mess with?

But yeah, it's canon that as long as Entrapta has Science to do she's not going to be too concerned about being a prisoner or how evil her hosts are. But I worry that Castle Dracula will lack the sort of enrichment she needs. She also exclusively eats tiny food (hey, just like the Girlies) which Dracula may or may not be willing to accommodate. Maybe making tiny food will be less repulsive to his vampire senses so it's actually a plus.

I think Dracula's weird hours, excessive grabbing, and invasions of privacy would also not particularly bother her because she does all that too. (That hair of hers has no concept of personal space whatsoever. .......actually if she could make Dracula's mustache I think he would be super into that). On the other hand I think Entrapta would be very vulnerable to his overtures of friendship. She is easy to manipulate if you can get at her actual insecurities, and friendship is one of them. Especially with not being put-off by Dracula's eccentricities, if he tells her they're friends she's going to believe him and act accordingly.

I don't think locked doors pose any particular barrier to Entrapta, either practical or social. Ladies' wing nothing, she's in his walls now. The Girlies present a quandary. You say that Entrapta is not particularly mesmerable; and amoral as she can be, I doubt she'd be on board with baby eating. IF, I suppose, she figures out that that's what's going on. People are not her strong suit. Dracula says "I too can love" and she sits up like "aw really! That's sweet of you! But more importantly, how are you guys doing that moonbeam thing?"

I've said before Dracula expects people to react in a certain way and uses it to toy with his food, but Entrapta does not react as expected. To the Horrors at least - once he figures her out a bit as I have said he can then get into the emotional manipulation and abuse... if he is bemused by her enough to get there. How does Dracula react to being grabbed and poked and prodded by other people's hair?

So circling back, I don't think Dracula can really contain her, but she may not have any particular reason to leave. He can definitely emotionally break her. I don't think Dracula is as soft hearted as Hordak - a vampire can only love one way: by consumption, to destruction. As much as he might enjoy having an actual friend for a bit, at the end of the day he's a bastard who enjoys being cruel on purpose even more. He probably could figure out a way to kill her, but it's more fun to befriend and then abuse her.

I think the Girlies though hate having her around. She's always getting into things. Does Entrapta recognize this and treat them as a real threat? If so, that's a motivation to also leave once Dracula does. If she doesn't, I don't think she can take all three of them at once.

So presuming she has something to do there, I think Princess Entrapta can survive Castle Dracula, though not without being put through the ringer emotionally. But if she doesn't choose to escape when Dracula leaves, the Girlies get her.

#princess entrapta #spop #she ra #inventors #cartoons #royalty

[system-of-a-feather]

For realsie though, I really wish I could look at the people who are diagnosed with DID and get upset at people "making it look like a fun disorder to have" with some level of sympathy or empathy, but I really honestly think that rhetoric is really honestly destructive as a means for self soothing and one I really just can't stand personally.

Like this disorder sucks ass and the reason it happened sucks ass and recovering with it sucks ass, but I don't see that rhetoric as any better than stating that "anyone who went through that could NEVER recover or live happy".

And I get where that comes from, I do, but at a certain point in trauma processing, stabilization and recovery, things start to click that trauma is over and PTSD inherently is referencing an event that has already passed. Trauma sucks. Severe chronic trauma SUCKS, but that's the past and - while its a LOT more difficult than it is to just say - that past REALLY doesn't have to define the present even a quarter as much as trauma makes it feel.

Of course, I understand and get those who feel like DID is horrible and a hell disorder - I 10000% understand that and its a valid feeling / opinion / statement to make, but to claim that it is impossible to have fun, be happy, and make casual content and just genuinely make the best out of a shit situation; or to claim that anyone with DID would be totally dysfunctional and miserable and unable to do XYZ - it's just... really self depricating and a huge negative self fulfilling prophecy don't you think? Also not to mention a LOT of projecting?

Other people don't deserve you forcing your self loathing and pain onto them. You are allowed to hate your situation, you are allowed to hate your disorder, you are allowed to feel and think and experience your experiences however you want, but a line is drawn when it comes to displacing that hatred, those feelings, those thoughts, and those experiences onto others and demand that they should meet your standards of misery.

I apologize, but I'm not going to pretend like DID stresses me out when I'm really not stressed by it anymore because most of our regular parts are actually decently connected and coordinated with one another. I'm not scared of them and they aren't scared of me. I'm not fighting them and they aren't fighting me. We got trauma but we also got, ya know, a life going and the trauma gets less and less prevalent and intrusive as time goes on so, life's honestly pretty lit and I really love to see other systems heading in that direction.

I think everyone should aim to be happy and at peace with their disorder. I don't understand, empathize, or support the idea that someone had to meet a standard of misery to be "real".

(TW: suicidal ideation and physical abuse mention)

If I take medication that makes it so I don't scrub my hands raw and have panic attacks over having not eaten a salad "recently" thus meaning I am going to rot from the inside out and die, does that mean I am faking having OCD? If I take medication and improve my life so that I only pluck my hair once a month, is my Trichitillomania faked? If I stop having suicidal ideation, does that mean I was faking being suicidal the whole time? If I stop having bruises, does that mean I faked being beaten as a kid?

(TW cleared)

Recovery and peace should and does not ever invalidate the truth of the pain suffered and the struggle overcome. Happiness and joy can co-exist with the truth of hurt, pain and suffering.

Trying to hold the two as mutually exclusive is a huge part of why a lot of people get stuck being miserable. If misery is vital for honoring your pain as real, it is very hard to let that go and let yourself be happy again, because if you are happy, what will attest to give your pain justice? But pain, justice, misery, and happiness - they can all co-exist and honestly, that's a really important thing to learn and understand in my healing journey as it really opens up doors to letting trauma go.

Your pain doesn't define your truth.

Your truth is your truth.

It will stay true regardless of if the pain persists or leaves.

#alter: riku #ptsd #c-ptsd #cptsd #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #ocd #physical abuse mention #recovery #healing #syscourse #discourse

[fuyuesu]

attempting to explain why mahiru did some things wrong actually

the "mahiru and her boyfriend were equally toxic" theory makes me want to become the real life joker so im going to talk about why i think it's Not the case and why i actually think it detracts from her character!

first of all, i think there's a massive difference in the way her boyfriend's affection is portrayed and how mahiru's affection is portrayed.

people cite the fact that he was feeding mahiru cake at the beginning (which later turn into rats when mahiru feeds him) as proof that he was also toxic. but i don't think the cake was Always rats and thus does not inherently represent toxicity - i believe it represents attention and/or affection. the way that the two scenes are portrayed are COMPLETELY different, in my opinion.

here, mahiru's boyfriend takes a small portion of the cake and holds it out for her to accept. he's waiting for mahiru to take the cake, and is not forcing it upon her. he tilts the fork towards her, and she happily moves towards him to eat it. he's fairly reserved compared to mahiru, but the portrayal clearly shows like.. a fairly balanced and loving relationship? he's waiting for her to reciprocate, and doesn't force anything upon her.

now, look at mahiru's portion of cake! it's big, it's got lots of frosting, it's got a nice strawberry on top - you can barely even see the fork! would this not fit mahiru's overwhelming style of love? if the cake is meant to be affection, then you could argue that her boyfriend was reserved in his affection, while mahiru (in true mahiru fashion) was overwhelming and indulgent. she's also making the move to feed her boyfriend the cake in the last shot when he is... very obviously Not reciprocating, unlike in the first shot where she is moving in to meet his fork.

i think the infamous rats are just a portrayal of how mahiru's love has become actively toxic. the fact that he looks sunken and is actively backing away from her does NOT change even when the scene flickers to the idealized version where mahiru is just feeding him cake. there is no reciprocation here, nor any illusion of reciprocation. he wants out, and mahiru is not letting him take that out. he cannot leave in this situation.

secondly, from a storytelling standpoint: what does mahiru being in a mutually toxic relationship add to her character? what purpose does it serve other than to make her seem less at fault for her crime? what does it add to the narrative?

mahiru's character is built up in a way to contrast her actions and her behavior. just look at the way she's portrayed in both trials! she's the ditzy lovable big sister in the first trial whose even described as someone "pure", and in the second trial they pull out ALL the stops to make you pity her as much as possible. they make her frail, on the verge of death, still clinging to her reason to living even as it's been crushed helplessly. they are doing EVERYTHING to make you see her as innocently and as pitifully as possible.

so, what's the point of that framing if mahiru didn't actually do anything wrong? if mahiru was a victim in her relationship as well, and if her boyfriend was treating her badly the whole time, then like... what, is she just meant to be a punching bag, or something?

mahiru is sweet and naive, and she is ALSO a person who did horrible things. she is kind, she is loving, but she drove someone else to suicide. those two aspects of her are not mutually exclusive, and the contrast is in fact what makes up the core of her character and conflict. if you shift the blame off of her, then what is mahiru's story meant to tell us? there's no intriguing dissonance between her behavior and her actions anymore! which conflict sounds more thought provoking to you: "can you forgive an otherwise kind and loving person for leading an innocent person to their death?" or "can you forgive this poor woman who was being abused without even realizing it for loving her abuser too much?"

thirdly, the theory just reeks of victim blaming . dear LORD i know her boyfriend was mid as hell but that doesn't mean he deserved what he went through somehow!! he is DEAD because of mahiru's actions !!!! "he was toxic too, so mahiru wasn't fully to blame!" mahiru is not the one who is dead here! mahiru is not the one who thought death was the only way out of the relationship! he didnt deserve this!!

in conclusion: i just think that, mainly from a storytelling standpoint, it simply doesn't make sense. it robs mahiru of all of her interesting and complex traits to make her seem more palatable and innocent. mahiru was flawed and toxic and did horrible things? nope, actually she was always a good person she was just mimicking her horrible boyfriend's behavior and he simply couldn't handle that! so glad that she is now the character equivalent of Plain Oatmeal and we can all rest easy knowing that she's never done anything wrong in her life ever ^_^

also don't even get me started on her views on kotoko. its soooo interesting how she views her but people just boil it down to "wow, she's a saint, she even forgives kotoko for attacking her!" when it's sooo much more fascinating than that but ive rambled on enough . That is not what this post is about . goodbye o7 never ask me for anything ever again

(disclaimer though, if you want more milgram analysis im Not the right person to follow for it . im an enstarrie who reblogs propaganda for my fave character 48 times a day. i dont even like mahiru at all shes my least favorite milgram character i just like analyzing her so dont follow me for more posts like this o7)

#melty rambles #milgramposting #milgram #milgram meta #mahiru shiina #sorry . I unwillingly rotate her in my brain because the fan perception of her makes me so so mad

[hamliet]

Ahhhh!!! I’m so excited that you’re into Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss!!! If you don’t mind me asking, What do you think about the theory that Angel was in love with Val before the pilot? Or that he might still be in a toxic trauma bond situation with him now?

Oh he's definitely still in a toxic trauma bond situation. Val abuses Angel and Angel can't bring himself to leave him--of course, Val literally owns him, but that's also symbolic of what it can feel like in an abusive relationship. Very rare is it to make a clean quick break.

Love is complicated and it depends on how you define love, I suppose. One thing I think a lot of the "in love" discussions miss is that you can be abused relationships that do not have romantic love as a part of them. Particularly, a boss-employee situation, which is clearly part of Angel and Val's dynamic. It's just extra complicated because their boss-employee situation is porn star and pimp, so there's automatically a sexual element to it, which can often mix up with romantic elements.

Personally, I don't know that Angel really saw himself as in love with Val. I'm not ruling it out, but to me it seems more likely that Angel sees himself using Val just as much as Val uses him. Obviously, though, Angel is an unreliable narrator--that's not equal since Val has much more power than Angel does.

Sure, Angel can loan his soul to Val, but Val gives him fame, sex, and drugs, everything he wants, so it's fine, right? It's fine! (It's not fine.)

I shoulda' known it when I looked in your red-hot eyes Spewin' all your red-hot lies

Clearly Val lied to Angel, and is still lying to him, but that doesn't have to be inherently romantic, or exclusively so. Honestly, where I lean is that Angel might have equalized their relationship in his mind, and They're both using each other. They're both looking out for each other's interests--Val wants money and sex, so Angel will give it, and Val will give Angel what he wants to and protect him from worse situations (like not having what he wants). At least, this is how Angel might see it. But owning someone's soul is a whole new level of control, and we've seen Val exploit this.

The reality, also, is that Val wants Angel because Val likes to abuse Angel. It's fun for him. It makes him feel powerful. That's the lie Val's telling and the poison Angel keeps swallowing: that it's mutually beneficial. It's not.

Yet Angel doesn't like to see himself as a victim and doesn't want anyone to see him that way. That's partially why he's horrified when Charlie shows up on set and why he begs Val not to hurt her--seeing what Val could do to Charlie horrifies Angel not just because he loves Charlie (as a friend), but because it also puts into context how Val actually treats him. This is also something akin to real-life abusive situations, wherein seeing an abuser treat someone else like that often jolts someone into reconsidering their reality.

#ask hamliet #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel meta #angel dust #valentino hazbin hotel #tw

[linktotheheart]

I've been thinking of two of my biggest fandom loves, Legend of Zelda and The Locked Tomb.

I've seen so many takes that paint Hylia as evil, cruel, an oppressor who rejects the personhood of her chosen champion and steals away Zelda's chance at a life like a parasite creeping in to fill the shell of the girl who was always meant to be a vessel.

I've seen plenty of takes exactly counter to that, which insist that Hylia is kind, that Hylia is a person too and doing her best to love and be loved and save the world and the people she cares so much about and preserve their personhood.

I've also seen a few (though to my taste, not enough) takes on Hylia's ambitions, desires, and reasoning simply being alien to that of Hylians due to her goddesshood. On a human scale, she is amoral, because she operates on the scale of wars and worlds.

But one thing I haven't seen is: what if it's multiple of those? What if she loves her champion and princess so deeply she hurts them in the cruelest of ways? What if she is imperfect? What if she is abusive but not evil and a victim but not good? What if she's all of the above, and is simply so powerful that the way her actions translate to the tiny lives of people are tidal waves that are tiny in her wide ocean but devastation to the tiny island chains scattered throughout?

What if her actions are necessary and inexcusable? What if she destroys Link and Zelda every time she is trying to save them, her hands too big for the tiny fragile pieces of their heart? What if she is the most flexible narrative force, meant to represent courage, wisdom, power, and love?

What if The Legend of Zelda is just as much a story about the horrors of love as The Locked Tomb is? What if the horrors and wonders are just two sides of the same coin that is love? What if Hylia is kind and cruel and all the messy human things and an unfathomable deity? What if she is more than one thing? What if she is many things?

I dunno. Maybe it's just my adoration for the many different, often contradictory lenses through which the fandom views her. Maybe it's the way each iteration of LoZ paints her in a different light. In Skyward Sword, practically a main character, driving the narrative and being herself swept up in it. In Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom, nearly absent beyond her fingerprints left on the hearts of Link and Zelda and her faint voice granting her hero back his strength. In still other games, fainter but still present like a slowly beating heart beneath the skin of Hyrule and realms beyond.

I love every interpretation of her. I love takes that pull from classical mythology to make her flawed and as petty and cruel as humans can be. I love takes that pull from the idea of a perfectly good deity that is a paragon of virtue. I love takes that stem from religious trauma that find her more cruel than Demise and more culpable for the destruction of their war.

I love takes in which she destroys Link and Zelda. I love takes in which she saves them. I love takes in which she and Zelda are one and the same, in ways that either maintain their separate personhood or synthesize it into an entirely new being (plurality, hello!). I love takes in which she and her champions control the strings of fate, and ones where they are helplessly entangled and imprisoned by them. I love takes in which she devours and takes in which she is subsumed.

Why should it only ever be one or the other? Why can't it be both? What's mutual exclusivity to an omnipotent goddess? Alternatively, how could she not be many things when she is a deity too helpless to save anyone herself?

Idk. Just, the horrors of love and how they don't erase or negate the wonders of it. How the two build on one another to make each greater. How pain and pleasure are just two kinds of ecstasy, and it's all just stimulation of nerve fibers. How Legend of Zelda is, above all, a mythos being retold throughout the ages in different worlds, and how therefore, it necessitates it's characters being many things.

Y'know?

#legend of zelda #hylia #link #zelda #the locked tomb #loz #tlt

[sweetestpopcorn]

How would you rank Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s children in terms of greatness/potential? For me, Baelon was best out their children with Saera being second. I also think Viserra was a waisted potential. I think she could have done interesting stuff had she lived. Do you think perhaps maybe Baelon should’ve married her after Alyssa’s death? Obviously, no one could replace Alyssa in his heart.

Hi there :)

I have already kind of answered this regarding my thoughts about Saera and Viserra and none of it is good. I will just link them here and here . Legit they are just portrayed as mean girls with no real depth to them, though of the two, Saera is much, much worse. Viserra I can at least sympathise with since her parents seem to not give half a f_ck about her and did not even extend to her the same courtesy they did her siblings of having a say about her marriage (more here), but that's about it. I don't find anything else likeable about her she's just... empty.

I will go from least favourite to favourite.

Saera and Viserra go right to the bottom of my list. Followed very closely by Vaegon by obvious reasons. Like Vaegon, it literally costs you 0 golden dragons to not be so unlikable.

Then I would say Daenerys, she has a lot of sweet moments but dies young so I don't really know how she would have turned out. Besides, I know it's petty of me, but I don't like other characters having Dany's name. I do like Daenerys, Naerys's daughter but... yeah no more. You don't need more Daenerys, we have our Mother of Dragons. Yes, I know I am petty.

Then Gael because... poor baby 🥺 seriously what was George thinking writing a character who is Alysanne's comfort, with some degree of cognitive disability be r...... by some random singer, give birth, lose her baby, and kill herself?! Like enough's enough. It's literally just to add tragedy to her story and honestly Turtle man it's getting f:cking OLD. I swear this man gets his rocks off by adding tragedy and terrible abuse to female characters. This when he can bother to make them more than a walking womb.

Then I would say Aemon. Maybe he would be higher but at times I just feel he's too perfect if that's a thing. There’s just nothing wrong with him like 😂 he literally does nothing wrong.

Daella comes next because I find her funny. She's such a drama queen 24/7 making everyone around her want to protect her XD even Alyssa. I kind of got the vibes at times from her that she kind of knew what she was doing to get attention. Like the fact that she and Alyssa are Rhaenyra's grandmothers just makes so much sense no matter how you look at it. In a way Rhaenyra seems kind of a mixture of both? With tons of stubborn and style added. Another moment that really endeared me to Daella was her very tragic death, and how despite all her suffering she still wanted to be given Aemma and to feed her. Prime mom material right there -> like you can tell both from her and Alyssa that Rhaenyra got some top notch mom genes.

Then Alyssa of course, because she was THE queen. Literally she was just a better behaved version of her son and I'm here for it! I love how despite the fact that she was clearly a tomboy she still wanted to marry Baelon and give him an army of kids X'D because these two things are not mutually exclusive and liking or enjoying traditional boy things does not have to say anything about your sexuality or your desire to be a mother - just like being very feminine and liking traditionally feminine activities does not have to say anything about your sexuality or desire to parent. These are rules a society that does not understand nuance and in a sense is deeply sexist and stereotypical likes to put in place and that I find deeply harmful to people. But Alyssa is the BOMB, so funny, so bold, the way she embarrassed Vaegon who was a little sh:t *chef's kiss*

Then there's the best man ever -> Baelon Targaryen

Had his own cool nickname, The Spring Prince, funny, charming, sexy, single dad who never once forgot about his lady with the mismatched eyes, entered a tourney under the name of the Silver Fool... I don't feel like a need to say more, and in an era where all men were literally so problematic, Baelon was IT.

Baelon is what this fandom thinks Corlys is. Sorry not sorry.

And that's it :D

Also no, and more important that should Baelon remarry, the question is did he want to remarry? And the answer is no, and any Baelon fan would respect the Spring Prince and his undying love for his lady with the mismatched eyes <3

#saera targaryen #viserra targaryen #vaegon targaryen #daenerys targaryen #gael targaryen #aemon targaryen #daella targaryen #alyssa targaryen #baelon targaryen #fire and blood #valyrianscrolls #popcorn answers

[opinated-user]

Lily dismissing rape allegations because the victim is someone she hates is … fucking gross

like for example I fucking hate Nekoshadows I think she’s a lying coward after she was exposed for keeping quite about someone being in contact with a known child predator…. But even with all that I still felt bad for her when it came to light how fucking terribly her boyfriend treated her especially when he admitted he never actually loved her

like I think Neko’s isn’t a good person but I still think what she went through was awful and she didn’t deserve it

so if I can believe that someone is a victim despite also believing them to be a scumbag that kept quiet about a predator… where the fuck does Lily get off not believing a victim of rape simply because she doesn’t like them like what the fuck

hell another example: I do not like Omnia and think she’s a pretty bad person … but I also believe her claims that her Ex partner Xzae abused her

you can dislike someone or hate someone .. and still believe that they’ve been abused or raped

it isn’t mutually exclusive you don’t have to like a victim personally to believe they are a victim

like this is the same shit that fucking coyote lovely got on blast for when he pretty much admitted to stopping helping a victim because he hated her like this is the exact same fucking thing

between Courtney and Sunny, LO really just told to every survivor ever "if you ever said anything against me, then your abuse deserves to be erased and i'll defend your abuser, just to spite you", which isn't just gross... that's just straight up evil.

just to make a comparison, Courtney has no reason at all to give LO any grace or compassion. yet he fully believes and understand that LO's claims of have suffered CSA are valid, only after looking at her past behavior and consider it with the knowledge of a fully grown adult. even after everything LO has lie about him and try to pin down on his name, Courtney still hasn't even attempted to say that LO never suffered any abuse in the past. that's all LO. LO is the one who wants to claim that Courtney never went through anything, at anyone's hand, ever, at no point of his entire life. according to LO, Courtney ran away from home simply "chasing a guy", no because the house was abusive and suffocating for him in part because of her presence there. Courtney had a CSA trauma response by replicating it on another kid, no because he suffered CSA at anyone's hand, but because he is just that evil. nothing that Courtney ever does or did is ever a response to trauma because he never suffered any. that's the narrative that LO wants her audience to believe in. even the abuse that had nothing to do with LO and it was cameron's fault, that doesn't get to be called out either. Sunny right now doesn't deserved to be believe in. his abuser doesn't deserved to be called out for, not even warned about. in fact, the abuser will get treated as a mere victim who is injustly mistreated by the evil community who evilly harassed the not evil "native" trans woman (who never talked with anyone from the Nation outside of one funeral and never again). all because they stopped being the yes man of LO. i'm not being hyperbolic at all when i say that this is inhumane. i know that LO doesn't have any moral, principles and she'll always, always, prefer to look for herself alone before anything else. but it can't be forgotten that LO is just a terrible person, a dangerous person, who not only perpetrates harm herself against vulnerable people, but will enable other predators to do the same. the only people i feel sorry to are the vulnerable people on her audience that still don't know there's a target on their back.

#lily orchard

[metalheadmickey]

fic writer interview

i was tagged by the luminous @energievie & @suzy-queued to fill this bad boy out! i remember doing this last year too, how fun! 🩷

1. How many works do you have on AO3?  I've got 20 on there now!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 143,320

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? kinda raw, float, cinematic, and i'm your warm receiver, watching. the four after kinda raw are all pretty close together in terms of kudos, but kinda raw has a lot more kudos than the one after it and i don't understand why. i have written better fics lmfao! y'all are just nasty. and honestly i appreciate that.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to always respond, but sometimes it gets away from me! i just really appreciate people taking the time to leave a comment, and i want to show that appreciation.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? i don't think any of mine have been angsty!

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? they're all happy, but it might be you outshined the best there was just because of the nature of the story. soft dads, seen from mickey's perspective as he grows into fatherhood over the course of a year, but also so, so plotless. soft!

7. Do you write crossovers? no and i doubt i ever will. one of my very favorite conversations though is when my husband and i insert characters from other media we like into star trek tng or ds9. it's so dumb and so funny. lmao what if i wrote it

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic? yeah! once, on one of my favorite fics, ligature. they told me i should sterilize myself because i'm glorifying abuse by writing bdsm, it's a good read

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i almost exclusively write smut! nasty and loving. i don't know how to describe it but whenever i think i've written something disgusting i inevitably get comments about how sweet it is. which, yeah, it's not like they're mutually exclusive ways to fuck. so yeah, sweet and dirty husbands

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i don't think so! i mean i hope not

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? nope!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? i haven't, but i've collaborated on a couple of projects with my dear friend @heymrspatel! i wrote and she made art for cinematic and honeycomb. cinematic was more julissa making art for parts i'd already written, but honeycomb especially was a collaborative process with the way that a bunch of what i wrote was based on things that julissa was visualizing for her art, so parts of it did feel like co-writing. it was the most fun i've had working on anything!

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship? don't make me choose between the angel who fell in love with a faithless man, and the closeted thug who fell in love with the kid who had it bad for him and ultimately had the most satisfying ending. destiel and gallavich are both such incredibly compelling ships!! aahhh!!

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? if there's something i'm not going to finish, it's generally because it became something i didn't want to work on anymore.

15. What are your writing strengths? describing physical sensation and emotional impact, dialogue

16. What are your writing weaknesses? exposition

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i like evie's idea of just indicating that they've switched to another language without actually writing the language out

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? gallavich

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? i really want to write destiel smut. i think the nonhuman element could be fun to play with. i've read a lot of grace sex and that shit is soooooo. hot. i want to try my hand at it.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? this changes so often! one i come back to a lot is chapter two of 2022's kinktober collection, the prompts were wax & "yeah, that's it baby, just like that" and i wrote some wax play and i suppose cockwarming although it's not tagged as such. i also really fucking love lush, it's inspired by one of julissa's pieces and it's drunk lovemaking and breathplay. i also need to shout out a newer one, beauty in simplicity from this year's kinktober collection. mickey getting his ass eaten on the kitchen table. there's three fics! i don't care!

tagging @howlinchickhowl @whatwouldmickeydo @whatthebodygraspsnot @gallawitchxx @ohkate @sam-loves-seb @sisitrip @crossmydna @thisdivorce @mmmichyyy @arrowflier if you guys feel like playing 🖤

#tag game #most of these answers are needlessly long! i can't shut the fuck up

[candyskiez]

Yo, what do you think about jasper, her arc and character as a whole?

(Also your explanation of pearl was so good I loved it)

oooo good question!

jasper, imo, is a very good portrayal of an abuser. she's so realistic, dude. she isn't evil, mustache twirling. she's a person who's abusive and THATS what makes her relationship with lazuli gutwrenching. because it's something you'd see in real life. it's not black and white. it's two deeply fucked up and traumatized people hurting each other. it's not good vs evil. it's two people who are horrible for each other.

jasper is just. extremely realistic to me. she's someone who hurts people around her to make them stay, to make them look at her and admit that she's strong. she needs constant external validation because nothing fills that void in her life of someone treating her better. she hurts everyone and then is crushed by them leaving. she's so interesting because she NEEDS people near her but shes the one shoving them out. she's the one constantly hurting them and they leave to get away from being mistreated. it's. she has so much pressure and experiences so much constant mistreatment and she's convinced it's what makes her strong, it's what makes her special. to admit she's hurting would be to be weak. she convinces herself anyone leaving is a sign of weakness. it's not because of *her*, it's not because what she's like is bad. because admitting how she treats people is wrong is admitting how SHE was treated is wrong. and she can't do that. she can't handle reevaluating her entire identity being the next battle and the next fight and how much pain she can take. she can't let herself even consider changing, because that means admitting she was miserable. and only a weak gem would hate how they're supposed to be.

she's a victim and an abuser, those things aren't mutually exclusive and I wish people wouldn't act like they were. she was hurt so fucking badly, and she also hurt so many people so fucking badly.

her "everyone I fuse with leaves me" was haunting, man. it's, again, a very accurate depiction of an abuser who was caught in the cycle. you want to grab her and shake her and say, stop you're hurting yourself you're ruining your own life. but she refuses to see it and she refuses to get better and it. hurts to watch.

I see her as a cautionary tale. nobody can force you to change. YOU have to look at yourself and ask if you're the problem. YOU have to look at how you treat others before you scream that they left you. YOU have to look at your life and ask, is this what I want?

she's a cautionary tale and works well as one.

there is one thing I don't really like and that's how her being shattered was handled? her being shattered completely and then some how brought back was. Cheap, ngl. although her reaction to being shattered was. fucking terrifying. obviously from stevens point of view but also it's just so fucking telling about her mental state. she romanticized being shattered. she romanticized the thought of dying gloriously in battle. she respected steven for shattering her. it's just. fucking *horrifying.* did she WANT to be shattered? holy shit, is jasper suicidal ? the implications are. Awful. I don't want her to be around the others because she keeps hurting them but at the same time I'm going "someone fucking HELP her!" but she doesn't WANT help and it's. it's fucking hard to watch. she's so set on her own destruction and it's physically painful. she can't get better until *she* decides she wants to. that's the only way her pains going to stop.

I also don't like the way steven shattered her. I wish it was portrayed more how his thoughts of shattering white was. his anger, his trauma towards her, his hatred of how much pain she gave him and the fact he's just supposed to be FINE with it now. shattering jasper, though it told us a lot about her, ultimately felt repetitive? because I mean, we already get steven's urge to shatter white. and it's handled a little better. maybe steven going too far and severely damaging jaspers gem and her still being impressed to make the audience go "jasper wtf are you good" and "OH SHIT STEVEN" at the same time, while also adding more weight to his anger at white diamond,, I dunno, this is my scattered ramblings.

I get why some people wanted a redemption arc for jasper. I don't think there was enough time to make a satisfying one. I do think she could potentially heal still, but she HAS to realize it herself. everyone keeps trying to give her tools to heal, she refuses to take them. she has to start working on herself. I'm not against a jasper redemption whatsoever, hell I think if done right it could be good.

a thing I do want to say though, FUCK the idea of her getting back with lapis. they are *horrible* for each other. and I mean this both ways. both of them hurt and traumatized each other. lapis was miserable with her and *jasper was too.* they both can heal but they need to do that completely separately thank you very much.

confession, I have an OC named jasper so I was VERY confused by this ask at first. was about to write a five page essay on him. oops 😭 I have to refer to this jasper as jasper (gem) with my friends. which is also hard considering a nickname for jasper (OC) IS gem. and ironically in the steven universe au me and one friend are working on, jasper (oc) is a pearl, not a jasper, and it's. Yeah! we are so good at this.

hope you enjoyed my scrambled ramblings ksgdldjdk. sorry for disjointedness this isn't like a professional meta or anything it's just me rambling about a cool show.

(ask me things!)

#jasper steven universe #steven universe jasper #su jasper #jasper su #steven universe spoilers #su spoilers #su #steven universe #suicide cw #cw suicide #suicide tw #tw suicide

[moonlightdancer26]

(tw bullying) Sometimes I go to the anti-snape tag bc I want some variety in opinions, and I don't really have an issue with people disliking Snape...he's not a nice person.

But then I get a post that's like 'Snape deserved to be bullied' and all the variants and it's just...look, "Snape was and awful person" and "Snape didn't deserve to be bullied" are not mutually exclusive. And just bc Snape was a lousy nasty teacher as an adult doesn't mean he was that way as a kid.

I think it's just a specific minority that thinks this stuff*, and granted, there is a very strong slant in HP that leans towards the Marauders* but it just kills any desire I have to read further, even if I block whoever said it.

*(for the sake of the post and all new readers, I'll give the summarized version: Almost every time we hear about something the Marauders do to Snape, we quickly get the Marauder's 'Snape did something to deserve it' POV. Plus we're inclined to like the nicer Marauders vs the nasty teacher Snape).

*I'm trying not to generalize all marauders fans/anti snape people for a variety of reasons.

I completely agree. Despite how headstrong I seem to be about my opinions (which I am), I genuinely am so interested in hearing other people’s opinions and trying to look at the text from their perspectives and interpretations. 😭 I feel like my followers have no idea how balanced I can be during arguments bc y’all mostly just see me focusing on the negative aspects of the characters I hate (because to me, that overshadows the positive aspects of their character). For each character I hate, there’s almost always a long process of how I came to hate them, watching/reading the entirety of the show/movie(s)/book(s), forming an opinion about the character throughout the series, reading other people’s analyses of said character and how they interpreted certain things the character did, finally concluding whether I love/hate/dislike/get irritated by/etc this character, and then try to build a balanced take on them for later discussions.

Sorry that got long 😭 I just wanted to explain to y’all that I really love meeting people who have different/more neutral opinions than I do so I can learn about them 💀 anyway-

Like I said, I agree with you, I enjoy reading a variety of mixed opinions and seeing other people’s perceptions of a character I feel strongly about (be it positive or negative). But I seriously hate when Snaters always dramatise their hatred (emphasis on always, bc sure I can be dramatic too BUT AT LEAST I ACTUALLY ANALYSE SCENES AND EXPLAIN WHY SAID CHARACTER SUCKS) and over-exaggerate every single thing he does, they always make it hard to be civil and calm when reading their posts 😭 And when they call him Snivellus, make childish and hurtful jokes about his appearance, and try to actually JUSTIFY all the trauma he went through? That’s a no-no. I may hate a lot of characters, but I would never actively try to justify what they went through (throwback to that one Snape fan who tried to say Sirius wasn’t abused and was just mistreated 🤢 so gross and disrespectful) nor would I pretend that it doesn’t play a part in how the character turned out later on. Snaters fail to realise that “this character was abused” and “this character is a shitty person/a bully” can coexist, they hardly even register that his being abused at childhood was most definitely a contributing factor in how he turned out as an adult (which even the simplest of minds can realise).

*I'm trying not to generalize all marauders fans/anti snape people for a variety of reasons.

Lol it’s okay anon, your clarification isn’t necessary. I think we all know that not everyone from the Marauders fandom acts like that. Usually, if one were to look at your ask and think “ok but not all of us!! you’re generalising! *starts attacking us*”, then that would be a pretty tell-tale sign of low intelligence. 💀

Thanks for the ask, love! Have a great day.

#anti snaters #severus snape #pro snape #pro severus snape #snape #harry potter #hp #ask #asks

[satteliteswaying]

hello this is going to be venting,nothing extreme but honestly everyone should have the independence to decide whether to read or interact with this shit so I'd rather say it upfront rather than shove it down people's throats, mentions of prescription drug abuse,you've been warned, with love

Despite my current medication helping me tremendously, I still feel like there's an overwhelming amount to unpack. I feel like an onion, tear off a layer and there's just more and more shit underneath and it seems never ending lol. that's not to say my meds aren't helping me,they definitely are, but they're also bringing to light issues that I had unknowingly "put to the side" while I was suffering a lot more before these meds. I feel so lonely and yet I can't get close to anyone, no matter how hard I try, how many new people I meet, I just can't help but want to run away and distance myself from everyone because I start to think that they hate me or because I feel scared of them, unable to bring myself to talk to them. I don't even know what would help me at this point, I have one friend who I love being around, that I can be comfortable and 100% open with, but they're always busy,always unavailable, it's not their fault in any way of course, but I can't stand that the only person I feel a genuinely deep bond with is someone I see very rarely. I have tried so hard to meet people online and irl, and despite going through the motions, being as open as possible, being as kind as possible, I simply can't feel the same way around them as I do with him, there's just something different about him, we get along so well, he's a sweetheart, an angel who wouldn't hurt a fly, he's the person who makes me laugh the most in the world, the one person I'm not uncomfortable around irl, I fucking love him, platonically that is. I have tried so hard to broaden my horizons, meet new people, but it's like nothing can replace him, I'm tired of meeting new people irl or online, I don't want a large group of friends, I want one or two close ones, that's it, just people that care about me as much as I care about them, a lifelong friendship, marnie and me style, bridge to terrabithia style and many others I can't bring to mind.

I just want to feel as loved as the people I give my love to, they're such wonderful people, I try so hard to please them in any way I can, to be as kind and generous as I can be, respect every one of their boundaries, I'm trying to become the perfect friend but its clearly not working, and it's obviously not their fault but I feel lile I have no one else to turn to, I want a best friend, I want someone with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I want them to be happy to see me just as much as I'm happy to see them, I want to give my all to make them happy, I want to receive the love and care that I'm trying so hard to give. When these rare people I get close to aren't receptive, take distance from me then there's no one to blame but I feel like I'm in an impasse socially: Now what? try to meet new people? it won't feel the same, I'm way too picky about this shit, I feel the urge to run away as soon as I see one small thing that scares me within them.

The people I say this to often make the justified remark that the exclusivity and mutual care for one-another is often a motivator for others when trying to find a romantic partner but I don't want a romantic partner, friends are so much more important to me, being in a relationship was hard because of my asexuality and my huge fear of abandonment, I always need to run away,keep a distance. I need to find a friend, I don't know where, but one that considers me an important part of their life at least, I want a best friend, a lifelong brother/sister that I can always reach in times of need or when I want to simply talk with them, I'm just so tired of not being emotionally available unless with certain people, I'm tired of feeling like everyone hates,avoids, and will abandon me, I try so hard to be a good person in my daily life, I try to make people smile at my work, to cheer them up, to be a ray of sunshine, it makes me feel good but as soon as I'm not working or serving people, that I'm now alone or have free time, I just feel such a crippling loneliness and boredom, I have lots of people to talk to but it simply *never* feels the same as him, no matter how hard i try to form meaningful bonds, the issue comes from within me. fuck this brain.

and then there's the whole aspect of gender envy, disliking my masculine characteristics but not exactly wanting 100% feminine characteristics, I'm tired of my body, only part I like is my face, that's a good start I suppose. just so tired of growing up with the fear of losing my effeminate qualities.

I'm gonna end this here because I'm too woozy and tired to keep writing, I'm so tired, absolutely not suicidal but heavily lonely, this isn't a cry for help per se, but I just can't stand living like this anymore. the only times I feel happy are when I'm working because it stops me from overthinking for a while, ignore my loneliness, feel like a good person

look,im tired, I won't keep writing, I might pass out any second but fuck I can't stand my mind working like this

sorry for this, I just needed to write it down, I can't talk about it with anyone around me irl, it's so tiring, I've made so many efforts and steps and yet the empty feeling won't subside, feels like I'll never find someone like Yann ever again and that we keep getting more and more distant because he's so busy and anxious, I love him so much, platonically, but I could give my life for him if it came to it, I just adore him so much

ok I'll stop now sorry, I'm not 100% conscious right now because of Xanax so if none of this makes sense ,hen I come back to reread this post I wouldn't be surprised

peace, love and happiness, to whoever is reading this, be a force of good in the world, even on a small scale, make a cashier smile, help the old people that can't carry their belongings, lend an ear to those who need one, etcetera

goodnight

[yellowocaballero]

I would love to hear your thoughts on how twelve is wolfwood actually, if you'd like to talk about it.

I read this originally as "Wolfwood's the Doctor now?" Which honestly valid.

But yes! The show actually leaves it pretty ambiguous how old Wolfwood actually is chronologically (and if you're thinking 'he's definitely in his 30s, then you're implying Trigun is clear about anything lol). I'm inclined to lean much younger, for both thematic reasons and just because he didn't act very mature.

If you compare him with OG Wolfwood - who was also aged up, but much less drastically - it jumps out. He wrestles Meryl like an older brother, and he's pretty eager and hotheaded. He has a lot of very cynical thoughts about how terrible the world is, but they're actually pretty unnuanced and simple - WW and Sasuke, spot the difference. He doesn't come off as somebody with a lot of life experience. He pretty much outright Big Brother Complex's all over Vash. He swapped out Livio for Vash, and that's why he ended up turning around to save him. The parallels were pretty there.

I'd also say that Wolfwood's flat cynicism and hatred of the world is portrayed as an 'immature' viewpoint, while Vash's faith and hope in humanity is portrayed as the 'mature' one. Brad says this explicitly. Vash also never really debates WW like in 98/Trimax, and he tends to retreat instead of engage him on an equal level. They don't engage with each other as two adults. Wolfwood clearly has the mind of the adult, understands the world as an adult would, and is able to function as an adult in the world - but I'm not really sure he has the maturity or life experience to be able to be treated equivalent to a full adult. College student energy.

Vash's youth makes him act a lot older than in 98. He hasn't solidified his persona or who he is yet. Meryl is an absolute kiddo and this is her coming of age story as she gains life experience and loses a parental figure. Knives is stuck in a psychosexual arrested development. And Wolfwood is a child in an adult's body, who never at any point acts particularly like his adult self. Tesla and Monev are tortured and murdered children. Stamp is, in a lot of ways, about the suffering and abuse of children in a cruel system and how this suffering, literally, causes them to 'grow up too quickly'.

As I said, Trigun rejects any solid certainties. I lean closest to the interpretation of Wolfwood as an overgrown kid and functional college student, because I feel like it's the most thematically cohesive and meaningful. I see ppl basically scribble over his backstory and status to make him an adult with zero caveats, but I always think...like, he was given that backstory for a reason. The change was drastic and it was done very purposefully. Why was that change there? How do we see that reflected in the drastically different Wolfwood? "Hey, Wolfwood doesn't actually act like an adult" is a meaningful observation.

This is not mutually exclusive with him being an adult for 5+ years, and this is not some sort of "Vashwood is problematic" dunk. It's frustrating to me that any mention of the genuine ambiguity about Wolfwood's age and maturity is interpreted as an attack of Vashwood, and the pushback gives some very definite "Wolfwood is for sure 35 with a mortgage" answers. It's ignoring some really important stuff about Tristamp. And the very frequent ship dynamic interpretation as Vash as the naive one and Wolfwood as the world-weary one absolutely just drains Trigun out of what makes it meaningful at all.

Hm meant for that answer to be shorter. As usual, there's a lot to say. Thanks for the ask!

#my asks #trigun #nicholas d wolfwood #god I remember watching the ww backstory episode and absolutely just laughing my head off #“THEY NUKED VASHWOOD LMFAOOO THEY /NUKED/ IT” #reader: apparently it was not nuked. #i did stop and look everywhere I could for people even discussing “hey how old is ww anyway” #and the only discussion I saw was people going “SICK of vashwood haters going on about their imaginary AGE GAP” #i did spend a while tossing any possibility around and eventually decided #if you have to argue that the character isn't a minor and if it's an actual debate #then that's the L #im biased. vashwood has a lot which is very beautiful and heartrending #and 0 of that stuff is in stamp #which is fine! but for me nothing that made Vashwood Vashwood was in Stamp