#but for some reason i am freaking out abt being the Adult here

[zankagi]

hey!! i've been thinking about a specific kyman scenario that i wanted to share here. i lowkey suck at speaking english so sorry if there are terrible grammar mistakes teehe. also, it's not really organized because i literally thought of this at 3 am last night, this is just me vomiting words.

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️: it has a little of nsfw. nothing explicit really because it isn't even important, but if you're uncomfortable with please be mindful of that. also, if you don't like or hate kyman, please don't read. just scroll past this.

ok so !! a highschool au where the boys are in the last year of highschool, and they start thinking about college and their adult lives. it's cartman's last year in south park bc he already decided to move out to another place (far away, i don't really know abt us states but you go imagine some place far from colorado). he applied to a prestigious college and he actually got accepted, so it's a huge opportunity for him. although there is another reason for him to leave south park apart from the fact that he doesn't like the town; and that is kyle. he's been in love with him for years now and he knows kyle would never like him back, so he wants to leave all his feelings behind and have a fresh start. he wants to forget kyle, or at least all the years he spent yearning for him.

the guys know, not about his massive crush on kyle of course, but about him moving out. at fist kyle thought that he would finally be free from cartman for good, and he didn't even have to do anything at all! but, the more the year progresses, the nature of their relationship changes. maybe it's because eric wants kyle to at least have a few good memories of him before he leaves, or maybe it's because deep down kyle can't imagine what his life without cartman would be. he isn't accustomed to not have cartman around, and he doesn't know what future holds for him (i imagine kyle would go to a college near south park, let's say it exists because i need it for the plot), so he's actually a little scared to lose his friends... even cartman. whatever the reason is, they start to grow closer. they start going out more (as friends, of course), they hang at each other's houses, they start laughing a lot more, and even though they can't stop fighting for absolutely everything, they find they start enjoying the fighting too (more like kyle finds out, eric has always enjoyed them in his own way).

kyle knew there was good in eric after all. he had lost hope at some point on trying to fix him, but he found that they could actually get along and they had a lot more in common than he realized. he remembered that there were some rare occasions in his childhood when cartman wasn't antagonizing him and they were actually on the same team. he remembered how fun it was back then, and he actually missed it. it was really fun. though weird, eric understood him in a way that kenny and even stan couldn't. it really was weird, but he was sure it was the same for eric too.

at some point in the year, this change in their relationship got kyle doing a lot of thinking. some random night, after a day spent laughing, arguing and playing videogames with eric, kyle came to the conclusion that he actually liked eric. he freaked out and was weird for a week or so, being especially weird with cartman. after a lot more of thinking, he got his head around the idea that he liked cartman, and wasn't as freaked out and weird anymore. he realized that this wasn't really news to him, he'd been obsessed with eric since they were kids, always trying to make him change for the better or trying to stop his schemes when he didn't really had to. he just never though much about it because it was "the right thing to do", but it all made so much more sense now. he wasn't telling anybody, though. not even stan. never.

so, the year goes by and he doesn't say a word and never acts on it. it would be stupid since eric's moving out in a week so whatever. the four boys decide to spend that last week together in a sort of farewell to eric. they have a really good time together laughing, having sleepovers and doing dumb and dangerous things together like when they were kids. everything is like the old times and there are no worries, no pressure, no uncertainty, no anxiety... just them being kids all over again.

the night before eric's trip arrives. he's leaving early in the morning and kenny, stan and kyle had already said their goodbyes to him. kyle is having dinner, but he can't stop thinking about eric leaving. he's leaving for who-knows how long to a really far distance from colorado... and, hell, he'd probably not come back anymore because, who would want to come back to fucking south park? the little, boring and stupid town that caused trouble to anyone living there? eric would probably start a new life, meet new people, far from anyone he knew before, he'll probably fall in love with someone else and make a good life away from everything and everyone. all of it while kyle is still in colorado and being miserable, probably.

that's when kyle can't take it anymore and when his family is asleep, he sneaks out from his house and goes to eric's. he climbs up to his window (just like eric did a lot of times when they were younger, entering to kyle's bedroom unannounced) and knocks lightly. eric was already in bed and was really confused when he saw kyle outside but opened the window for him anyway and helped him into his bedroom. they sit in eric's bed and the brunette looks at kyle for a few seconds before speaking.

"what are you doing here?" he asks.

kyle doesn't answer immediately, but looks around the room that was only illuminated by the rays of the moon entering from the same window kyle climbed. he sees eric's suitcase and various boxes with almost every decoration of the room inside them. he notices how the bedroom he knew for practically all his life and that was witness of so much memories was now cold, lifeless and felt strange and unknown. he feels his stomach sink uncomfortably and it's all he needs to muster up the courage to look eric in the eye and say "i wanted to see you." with the most sincere expression in his face.

eric tries (and fails) to suppress the blush that spread through his cheeks, and coughs to cover it up.

"you saw me yesterday." he replies, and kyle rolls his eyes. he doesn't appreciate being questioned because he feels exposed.

"yes, but you leave tomorrow morning and i don't know if i will be awake to see you go."

eric shrugs it off and they start chatting, laying on his bed, looking at the ceiling. they talk about everything, but mostly about memories together. they laugh together at some of them, and fight about other ones because they really can't stop arguing and antagonizing each other. the only difference is that now fighting seems more fun and friendly than before, and they both enjoy teasing the other and rile each other up. at some point they stop talking and enjoy the silence for a little bit and maybe it's the fact that it's kind of late and he's nostalgic, but kyle breaks the comfortable silence, whispering;

"even though i hate you with all my heart.." that was a lie. this year they grew closer and kyle realized not only that he liked eric, but that he actually never really hated him. "... i'm gonna miss you, man."

eric huffs a laugh. if kyle could be sincere with him, he could too.

"i hate you too." he lies. "but i'll miss you." they fall in silence again, and now is eric's turn to break it, feeling specially sincere that night. "hey," he starts. "remember that time when you moved to san fransisco?" he doesn't wait for an answer before speaking again. "that made me realize that nothing was the same without you... it wasn't as fun as before." he moved his head to look at kyle, who was already looking at him. fuck he thought. he looks beautiful. before embarrassing himself, he continued speaking, looking at kyle. "i can't believe i'm telling you this because i thought i would take this secret to my grave but... i did a plan to bring you back here. with butters, i mean. we did a plan to bring you back."

"really?" he asked, his green eyes gleaming.

eric explained him everything they (he) did and didn't miss any crazy detail. he told him everything they went through just to bring him back, and added that trying to replace him with butters ended up being more boring than originally planned. soon, he had kyle laughing at the anecdote. he couldn't believe eric did that for him, the ridiculousness of the situation and the fact that eric tried to replace him with butters of all people. and okay, fuck, kyle was beautiful laughing like that, eric couldn't hide his own smile.

kyle stops laughing and looks at eric, smiling at him. every coherent thought left his brain instantly, so he simply exhales and closes the distance between them, giving eric a short peck on the lips.

he immediately flinches and almost falls out of the bed with how quick he distanced himself. he blushes and starts frantically apologizing to eric, saying that it was an accident, that it was inappropriate and blah blah blah.

"shut up." says eric, grabbing kyle's cheeks with one hand, managing to make the ginger stop taking. he copies kyle's action, and gives him another chaste and short kiss. he stops squeezing kyle's cheeks and they separate again. they lock eyes for a few seconds before leaning in again and now kissing properly.

they make out for a while, one thing leading to another and well... they are boy. hormonal boys. i don't imagine that they fuck, i think they just masturbate together or maybe give the other a bj but you know what? i'll leave it up to you. you can even pretend this didn't happen. when they finish cleaning up (lazily, because eric doesn't want to be apart from kyle) they fall asleep together.

a few hours after, lianne knocks on eric's door and tells him that breakfast is ready. kyle and eric wake up and eric tells lianne that he would be downstairs in a minute. they look at each other in silence for a few minutes, kyle looking pensive and eric too sleepy to say anything.

that's when kyle has an idea, and he starts stripping eric off his shirt. eric starts panicking and tries to keep his shirt on. "wait, kahl." he says. "last night was great but i really need to go now."

kyle rolls his eyes and shuts him up with a kiss. one kiss becomes two, and three and four. kyle presses their foreheads together, eric looking confused but willing.

"i'm not going to do anything, dumbass." he explains, putting some distance between them. "i just want to keep your shirt."

"no." eric declines. "no way, this is one of my favorite shirts."

"i know." kyle replies, matter-of-factly. "that's the point. i will keep your favorite shirt so you have a reason to come back."

eric smiles at him, and concedes. "don't get too comfortable with it jew." he says, tossing the shirt at him, and searching in his suitcase for another shirt. "i will come back to get it."

they share a last kiss before lianne yells from the kitchen that the breakfast was getting cold. eric helps kyle get out from the same window and watches him go back to his house.

a few minutes later, eric and lianne are carrying the boxes and the suitcase in lianne's car. kyle couldn't go back to sleep, so he's watching them from his own bedroom. he watches as they get inside the car and how lianne starts driving, the car becoming smaller in the distance. he looks down at the shirt in his hands and clutches it. he wanted to put it on, but it had eric's smell on it and he didn't want it to disappear so soon. that shirt represented the promise that, some day, eric and kyle would see each other again.

AND THAT'S ALL!!!! well not all all. in my original idea they see each other again but many years later. eric comes back to south park and kyle has the old shirt forgotten in the back of his closet. he has a girlfriend now and they've been going out for a few years now. after eric left, stan kenny and kyle's friendship wasn't the same, they stopped seeing each other frequently and became good acquittanances (i hate that word) but do not fear because when eric comes back they start rebuilding their broship. the only thing that doesn't go back to normal is that now kyle has to fight his demons (bisexuality) and realize all over again that he's still in love with eric. he has a whole conflict with himself because he made a life without eric and now he has feelings for him again but he feels abandoned !! and also he is in a long-term relationship and he's happy !! but he hasn't talked to eric in years (let's say he changed his number or stopped reaching out at some point or whatever) and even if they spent YEARS apart, kyle had always had eric present in the back of his mind in some way or another (in the form of a shirt that has been forgotten) and now eric is back and his whole world and everything he constructed without him is upside down !!! but don't worry they figure it out and they end up together. this is not the official ending because this might as well end when eric leaves and have an open ending or it can end with eric not leaving, or him coming back as soon as possible, there's so many options... i'll leave it up to you, i like a little bit of drama and angst so i thought really quick about that last part that's why it is not as developed as the rest of the idea but !!!! who knows who knows everything is possible.

i just wanted to share my thoughts here because it's been DAYS and i can't get them off my head, it has been a while since i had kyman brainrot and now it came back at full force. blame the not suitable for children special for that (ik it didn't have kyman but it had eric and i love that little bastard so it all started with the eric cartman worms for brain and now here we are)

ANYWAYS I'M RAMBLING SORRY I LOVE TALKING hope you liked this any suggestions thoughts and or comments you may have are totally welcome !! have a nice day / night depending on when you are reading this hehe 🫶🫶

#sp kyman #kyman #south park kyman #eric cartman #kyle broflovski #kyman worms for brain #i dont really know how to tag this #i love them they make me insane #fic prompt #(kinda)

[fagcrisis]

nah, I totally get where you're coming from, but it's not necessarily something wrong with the kids- I'm a software tutor, and it's been getting.... bad, at least in the usa. it's not their fault, but society has become so tech-saturated that lot of schools literally have stopped teaching kids basic computer knowledge anymore, and assume they'll have picked it up intuitively, and so do their parents. but it's not intuitive, it's a skill like any other. and a lot of the kids are post-zoom era, which you'd think would make them more tech-literate, but no one was beside them looking at their computers to teach them, and they wound up with at least a year's gap of educational neglect in general as well. it's gotten... weird. the kids get by, cause a lot of tech is just 'push a button' now, and they soak up the new information like the little freak sponges they are, but quite often no one has sat down with them and explained jack shit before ....that being said, the amount of grown adults I have to explain that 'no, if you don't save the file it won't exist when you close the file' on a daily basis to is... so high. soooo high. people are unbelievably stupid

but then again, I can only speak to one form of educational system, so truly, who the fuck am I lmao

idk like, ive worked with kids and based on my experience theyre just kind of fucking stupid i say this w all the love in my heart but u take the smartest kid ive ever worked with n ask them a basic fuckin question and theyll just go huh bc thats how kids r i think this is less "the youth of today has smth wrong with them" and more the usual thing where a generation gets 9lder and starts teaching and interacting w kids and realize kids r kinda fucking stupid. we have a huge scare abt how the latest generation cant do this or that every ten years and its fine every time. kids get older and they learn shit.even if u got a teenager thats kinda fucking stupid they can still learn. also just like u said a lotta fucking adults r also tech illiterate as shit so i think this is more demographic based and not age based. kids whose parents r good w computers or who have access to some sort of education abt computers will learn that shit. also some places have more of a culture of fostering this shit like here piracy counts as basic tech literacy i think and that migjt not be the case in other places

anyway the reason these posts annoy me bc i used to see all this posting abt how well b the genrration who isnt a cunt to kids and doesnt demean them and now 10 yrs later yall r doing that shit like u were also kind of fucking stupid as a kid and adults were probs freaking out about how u cant even read and now ur an adult n ur fine. also if kids cant do smth its not their fault its the fault of every adult around them so in any case stop talking abt how kids r tech illiterate itll be fine calm down. most of yall dont even have kids n if ya do teach them computers

#rumini a zúzmaragyarmaton

[summercreolefanfictioner]

maya sakamaki fashion headcanons

So here's the thing, I thought this headcanon thing is talking abt Maya's freaking closet (turns out I am wrong 😭). But I still wanna add the wardrobe thingy 'cause I just don't want my writing to go to waste.

As I've mentioned in Maya's random facts post, her main outfits are her long-sleeved maid outfit and the Ryoutei Academy school uniform. However, during summer, she switches to her short-sleeved maid uniform to cater to the season

The reason behind this is that, her other outfits are solely dependent on who her master is.

So yeah, during her time at the Feinze mansion, she was always wearing kimono/yukata and pairs them with dark boots. She also ensures it has a blade underneath so ppl who decide to mess with her won't stand a chance.

But now that she's a Sakamaki doll, Maya has more freedom to express her personality with her clothing.

In fact, she actually likes her clothes now better than the kimono lolita dresses bcos it makes her look more like a teenager instead of a priestess child at a temple

She actually leans on modern pastel grunge + soft girl + dark academia aesthetic outfits with a spring/winter-cool color range to match her pale skin, red eyes, and long dark hair.

So yeah, it's no secret that all her clothes are given by Kanato. In fact, some of them were handmade by him (especially the dresses) and Kanato even takes his time to style her before going out.

And since they were all handmade or given by him, you would notice attention to detail factors like ruffles, ribbons, etc.

Kanato actually has a hard time styling Maya because she has a soft classic body style and slightly large breasts. This forces Kanato to make dresses of larger sizes and accommodate her bust.

And yes, Kanato knows if Maya doesn't like the outfit he makes her wear by observing her for a good minute and if she doesn't stand in front of the mirror for too long, that's when he knows

He'll just make up an excuse that her frowning face made the dress ugly so he would think he styles her really well this sore loser

And yes, Maya never wears a pencil or body-hugging skirts. Not because Kanato doesn't like her emphasizing her womanly assets, but because it will be hard for her to fight in them

In the fake human AU series, Maya's wardrobe definitely got a drastic change. Since she was hired by Shuu to work as his secretary, Maya donned office-friendly outfits to match her work position and make her look more like an adult.

Kanato even commented Maya looked like a different person in the secretary get-up

Most of them are dresses or outfits with skirts. Square pants are a big no since it only makes her look smaller, so she opted for skinny dress pants or jeans.

When it comes to shoes, most of Maya's shoes are Mary Jane's, platforms, black boots, sneakers, doll shoes, and sandals. (all of them have blades hidden underneath)

And she loves wearing socks and stockings; it's like she loves covering her legs most of the time hence why she still uses black stockings despite her maid outfit

Kanato always gives her socks with cute patterns to give her edgy outfits a soft hint

Fun fact: Maya has never worn heels (as per the fake human series fic) because Karlheinz and Gilbert Feinze thought she has no need for them. Plus you can't insert a blade in heels.

That's why most of Maya's shoes don't have heels in them. And if they do, they're still a bit flat with mininalist design, just like this:

So yeah, she had to practice walking in heels thanks to Shuu and Kanato's meddling since she was disguised in the fake human AU series as Shuu's secretary.

Maya is actually not big on accessories.

After all, she's a maid and she can end up ruining them while doing household chores, especially laundry

However, being Kanato's exclusive doll wife has made her wear them since Kanato believes that her outfit is incomplete without them.

But she's still on the minimalist side of things, like a good pair with earrings will do and a necklace or choker. Sometimes she'll add a bracelet.

And yes, she never forgets her wedding ring.

Should a situation arise where she has to remove her ring for protection (cooking, laundry, washing hands), she turns the ring into a pendant on her necklace.

Maya is also a fan of cute beaded necklaces and bracelets. Kanato even made her so many of them so she can pair them all with her outfits

Other accessories she dons are the ones for her hair. Maya is fascinated by cute hair clips and ties and she thinks putting them on her elevates her look. Of course, aside from anything with cherry designs, she likes those ones with cute animals and girly patterns.

A/N: I kind of enjoyed writing this content. Maybe I should do others like this in the future

#kanato sakamaki #diabolik lovers #diabolik lovers headcanons #maya sakamaki #sakamaki maya #kanato x oc #kanato and maya #diahell #kanato x maya #ayato sakamaki #kanato's vampire doll #diabolik oc #dl oc #diahell content #laito sakamaki #sakamaki shu #reiji sakamaki #sakamaki brothers #diaboys #dialovers #diabolik lovers fandom #diabolik lovers oc #outfit headcanons #outfit #karlheinz sakamaki

[skiniibuniii]

probably never got fasting insomnia cuz i kept "recovering" before i reached the point im at rn. heres some shit abt me, my history of eds, and why i think and have been told i have EDNOS. added a read more thing so you dont have to read it if you dont want to.

wow someone likes me lmao jk but,,

when i was 9-10 i had to take one of those tests in school for BMI and i was the heaviest person there. all the kids compared bmis and i just stayed quiet when i was asked. so the very next day i did a week long fast without knowing what the fuck i was doing. i barely drank anything, fainted once and couldnt stand up without my legs giving out. yeahh my mom almost took me to the hospital, and i wanted that til my mom said id be poked with needles so i "recovered". off and on over those next few years, i tried to watch what i ate but didnt count cals (tbh cuz i didnt know how).

I started smoking weed around 11-12 and i started binging B A D. my stomach hurt constantly but i never stopped eating. to the point that my mom finally told me that i was eating too much cuz we didnt have the money for me to keep that up any longer than a few months. and my mom saying "youre eating too much", even though she was worried about me and i knew she was just worried, it totally triggered me again. still didnt know jack shit about eds. i tried to restrict and got into a fast-binge cycle for a couple months. "recovered" again.

tried to die right after i turned 13, got sent to a hospital for 2 months and thats when i learned about eds. started going to this LGBTQ club, met my bf and discovered my gender identity (didnt know abt trans people before that either, thought i was just really crazy), and started to learn about how to be safer. aand this is when it stopped being 100% about how i look, but now it was a 50/50 on looks and weight. got back in that fast-binge bull. got my first Tumblr page somewhere around this time too and was in LOVE loved my blog so much. got into ed tumblr for inspo but obvy that didnt last long. stayed on my main for a long while til (i think) i was abt to turn 16. "recovered".

about to be 14 years old, got back into my shit cuz i got pregnant and didnt know it and freaked out about how ugly i was, dropped to 130 cuz the morning sickness made it so easy to purge (i was and have not since been able to purge via vomit) and i barely ate anyway with cal counting, nausea, fasting, and chainsmoking. i did some drugs aside from smoking around this time and drank a fair amount too. found out i was pregnant, "recovered" AGAIN, stopped doing all that bad stuff and was tormented by my body for another 4-5 months. got up to 225lbs, apparently i gained 85lbs from month 5 to birth. popped out a baby, kid was healthy thank god, tried to breastfeed, yo-yoed between 200-225 for about 2 months, breastfeeding wasnt working and made me want to die with the gender dysphoria, switched to bottles, 2 months after that now we're back. didnt do crazy restriction but exercised like a madman. hated myself really bad. fast-binge you know the deal. bf force-fed me regularly. i fucking gave up. reached 175 before i bounced right back to 200.

now we're 16 its the first of june, gonna be 17 in 14 days. i havent been able to look in a mirror for any reason besides to do my makeup in several years. still 200lbs. havent worn anything that could remotely show how fat i am in years. out of nowhere i decided, "imma get back on my fucking shit. I REFUSE TO HATE MY BODY ANYMORE. I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME AN ADULT AND FUCKING HATE MYSELF LIKE THIS"

"hey, youre 17 now! happy birthday. i know your phone just broke, i bought you a computer! it was a great deal and they said it worked for games too! you said youve been wanting to play that java server, right?"

i remembered, tumblr is a thing! i loved my blog, maybe if i get back into that id be happier.

"ghost blog", gone. i cried quite a bit lmao, but lets start a new one!

and here we are. and i am not doing any fake recovery shit this time.

from what i know, EDNOS includes the off-and-on stuff and i was told by a couple people on my og blog that i dont have ana i have EDNOS.

boom thats my ed life story. and if thats kinda bad yall should hear my whole fucking life story. ive been thinking abt writing a book about it cuz it is actually fucking crazy.

[tfw-no-tennis]

animorphs!!!

ok I read animorphs when I was 10 or 11 I think? and I only read it once, along w/the spinoffs and stuff, and I've always meant to revisit it...SO HERE I AM....

and oh MAN I forgot how good this series is. like I knew it was good but some things from your childhood don't hold up yknow? especially books aimed at younger audiences

but oh boy does animorphs hold up. they're easy to read and perfectly balance the line between dark/adult topics and more kid-friendly lessons. excellent 

so yeah I'm loving it so far. I forgot how fast some stuff happens lmao, like I forgot that tobias gets trapped as a bird in the FIRST BOOK 

also I just adore how realistically disorganized/confused the animorphs are. like, they got the elevator pitch version of the conflict from elfangor before my mans got eaten, and also they're middle schoolers. of course they’re always just like ‘wtf do we even do’ 

so like...their plans mostly don't work. and even when planning they run into tons of logistical issues w/morphing, traveling, communicating etc. 

and I love how they clearly need to maintain their normal lives as well in order not to raise any suspicion 

and I like the little details like them not spending all their time together at school because they didn’t before so that would be suspicious

oh man and I love the different family dynamics in the series. you have jake, whose family seems pretty normal until we find out that tom is a controller, and rachel, whose parents are divorced, and who has to deal w/the complications of that. and then cassie, who is an only child (I like that we have a mix, with rachel and jake having siblings), and of course marco...

iirc marco was one of my favs (if not my fav, but its hard to choose) back in the day, and I forgot how reluctant he was to participate in the animorphs thing...and the fact that he was about to quit the team and then runs into visser 1.....

another fucked up little moment I liked - when they morphed dolphin and marco had to morph back to human bc he gets injured and he was like ‘I cant swim, and my mom drowned, I don't want to die like she did’ I was like oooof

also on that topic I adore how little the animorphs know about how anything works. like they once wondered if there's a limit to how many morphs they can acquire and they were basically like ‘idk guess we’ll find out’ 

and then when marco got injured as a dolphin and they were like ‘morph back I guess and hopefully you'll be okay?’ like damn luckily that worked 

basically these books do The Most Excellent Job showing that these are just kids. like they're literally in jr high which is 90s speak for middle school....they're like 13???? at most???

and the narrative reflects that perfectly!! all of them, even rachel who is pretty much the most gung-ho about fighting and stuff, have nightmares and all these terrible experiences bc they don't have basically any guidance 

and even with ax, it’s immediately obvious that he’s also just a kid, even though he’s this deadly alien....

also oh mannnn I love so much how we’re introduced to the andalites as this heroic race and how that slowly changes over the course of the story 

like, when elfangor introduces himself as ‘prince’ you assume he’s part of the andalite monarchy - but later we find out that ‘prince’ is a military rank, and the andalites are a lot more militaristic than we would assume at the beginning 

its so fantastic how it starts off as a fairly black and white conflict of andalites = good guy aliens and yeerks = bad guy aliens

and you even have some background stuff going on w/the taxxons being controllers by choice, and the hork-bajir being enslaved 

but as the story goes on, all of those lines get blurred in different ways...

also ooof the poor hork-bajir. I always felt so bad for them. it’s crazy that even in the first book, the animorphs are killing their enemies - at least I inferred that in book 1, but it becomes way more overt later on...the tough situation of them knowing that the hork-bajir are unwilling hosts but that they’re so dangerous that not killing them could be fatal to the good guys

and ngl this time around I have a lot more sympathy for the yeerks, even tho they don't really deserve it (at least in the early parts of the story where I am rn)

like...they're just these blind helpless slug creatures, but they're also fully sentient and intelligent? like, that's so fucked up. imagine yourself as you are now, but you're just a sensory deprived slug swimming in a pool. that's pretty fucked. and then the fact that the yeerks are biologically made to be parasites...its kinda no wonder that they ended up the way they are (and it also makes stuff like the yeerk peace movement really compelling)

also wow I kinda forgot about all the body horror w/the morphing. like ik that's one of the things that animorphs is known for but like. I forgot how much it happens and how creative the horrifying descriptions are. I love it

and omfg so when I first read this series the ellimist stuff confused me a lot bc I didn't read the books That closely (I mostly wanted to see what would happen next) but I loooove time travel bullshit so I’m really enjoying it so far

even tho tbh I think even if I had paid more attention as a 10 yr old I still would've been confused bc the ellimist stuff is kinda just inherently confusing lmao 

ok and I just love the characters,,,I love that the books switch perspectives, and KAA did such a masterful job of portraying differing and realistic reactions to their situation....like, all the animorphs react so differently to their circumstances, but their reactions are all so grounded in realism and also their personalities 

like man I love rachel. she was one of my favs as a kid too bc I always loved female characters and she was just so cool. and she still is, and so excellently written too 

liiiike the fact that even though she’s so tough and brave, she’s still a kid and has plenty of moments when she’s scared or uncertain...

and I just really like the fact that she out of all of them is the one who’s tough and loves to fight...and the fact that she also unapologetically loves shopping and stuff like that...its about the multifaced characters

just like how marco is the ‘funny guy’ but they make it very clear from the beginning that this is his way of coping w/shit like his family falling apart, and then alien BS 

and also marco is really smart? I kinda forgot abt that (sorry marco) but I like that bc that's uncommon to see with ‘funny’ characters

oh mannnn and ax. I love ax. I forgot a whole bunch about the early stuff w/him and how conflicted he was w/keeping secrets from the other animorphs

KAA did such a fantastic job w/ax - he really comes across as the perfect mix of ‘fish out of water alien’ and ‘young teen/tween’ and ‘alien from a strict militaristic society who is in training to become a soldier like his famous older brother’ 

n that was so sad n fucked up when he called the andalite home world and had to tell everyone (including his parents) that elfangor died, and then the elders or w/e forced ax to take blame for elfangor breaking their laws in order to preserve elfangor’s postmortem reputation, even at the cost of ax’s career/life :( 

and man I loved the part where ax is like ‘well, we didn't help the hork-bajir even tho we could have and now they're all enslaved. I'm not letting that happen to the humans’ and the council or w/e is like ‘well you should let it happen, don't interfere’ and ax basically realizes oh shit sometimes adults are wrong 

basically I love the conflict there, where the andalites are the ones who gave the yeerks the technology that led to them spreading across the galaxy like a disease, and now fight to stop them due to their guilt, but also refuse to directly help the less advanced species who are being invaded by the yeerks for fear of making a similar mistake like w/the yeerks....

ooooof and the part where ax is like ‘guess I have to go fight visser 3 and die’ :( he’s just a babyyyy

and augh when alloran asks them to kill him....geeeez there’s so much fucked up stuff already and I'm not even in the double digits yet 

oh my god and the brutally awful fact that any freed controller will just get tracked down by the yeerks and murdered so the secret invasion stays secret...and the animorphs think that by destroying the kandrona they've freed a bunch of controllers but really they just signed their death warrants - what a catch 22

oh and I love how even early on the yeerks aren't a completely unified force - we have the obvious rivalry w/visser 1 and visser 3, with visser 1 even arranging the animorphs release from visser 3′s prison bc of this, and that yeerk who told ax where to find visser 3 because he was pissed that his yeerk gf got killed by visser 3 - even though the reason she was killed was due to kandrona rationing, which was caused by the animorphs...i love the layers 

ok what else. oh yeah I love tobias sm, he was one of my favs as a kid too, his whole story is so deeply tragic but also interesting and we haven't even gotten into all the stuff w/his parents yet

the part where he’s freaking out as a hawk and he’s gonna fly into the windows even tho he knows it’ll probably kill him...christttt

also tobias and rachel are so romance aughhhh

ok also jake - he was never my favorite when I was younger bc I felt like he had Basic Protag Man Syndrome but now I can appreciate his character a lot more. like, he basically got elected the leader and he’s kinda like ‘guess I have to do this now.’ and that of course ends up fucking him up majorly in the long run bc even tho he’s more serious and responsible, he’s still just a kid too

and I loooove the horror of finding out that tom is a controller, and jake having to contend w/the fact that it’s very likely that he’ll have to fight and/or kill his brother someday 

also the book where jake gets infested w/a yeerk was one of my favs and still is. so fucked up and interesting. the fact that that yeerk was previously tom’s made it even more fucked, w/the yeerk taunting jake the whole time

and then the yeerk dying in jakes head...so messed up

omg and cassie too. I love cassie. I didn't appreciate her as much when I was younger bc I was a straightforward kid who liked action, and cassie is all about pacifism when possible and compassion, which I love a lot now that I Get it more. 

cassie being such a gentle person but still fighting in this fucked up war bc doing nothing would be worse is super compelling. plus the conflicts with her having to figure out where she and humanity fit in the circle of life and whatnot is great

I loved the contrast of her being very aware of how nature works bc of working w/her parents and all these injured animals, but also being so compassionate that it still bothers her to see death and especially participate in it 

like her feeling awful about killing the termite queen even tho its ‘just a bug’ and stuff

basically what makes the series great isn't that it’s got all these fucked up moments and horror elements and is overall quite dark - it’s that all of it comes together to make the point that war is hell, and child soldiers are gonna end up traumatized pretty much no matter what happens

it’s a very strong message, and the story never feels like it’s being dark just for the sake of being dark, but rather never letting the reader forget how awful things are

TL;DR: anirmorphs is to the YA genre what hunter x hunter is to the shounen genre

in animorphs, the heroes of the story are kids who get cool powers and get to fight aliens - in any other YA story they would have a bunch of fun adventures and come out on top most/all the time - things might get darker towards the end, but good would prevail. the evil yeerks would be stopped, and the main couples would get married and have kids and live happily ever after. 

however, war isn't like that, especially when the soldiers are kids. so instead we get animorphs, and it’s brutally realistic. they barely ever get to enjoy their powers - on the rare occasion that they get to, something usually goes horribly wrong

compare to hxh - it seems like a regular shounen story about kids participating in a fantastical mostly-adult world and being able to match the adults bc they're Special - but as the story wears on it becomes clear that the kids are just very traumatized. this all leads to gon’s berserker collapse in the chimera ant arc, which is led up to masterfully w/a bunch of adults treating gon as an adult even though he’s a child.

essentially the same thing happens in animorphs - with jake being shoved into the leader role and becoming a military general as a kid, which leads to him committing horrific war crimes because he’s been put in a position no child should ever have to be in

similarly, kurapika has what would be a very straightforward revenge plotline in any other story - but this is hxh, so the bad guys aren't just 2-dimensional evil caricatures, and the road to revenge just leads kurapika to ruin. we root for kurapika to win bc they’re a character we like, but it becomes clearer and clearer as the story goes on that getting revenge is not the path kurapika should be taking

nothing is ever as straightforward as we want it to be, basically. and the same applies to animorphs. so many times they're faced with conflicts that seem to have an obvious answer, only for it to be revealed later that the choices they made led to other unforeseen awful consequences

ok i need to stop rambling this is already super long. basically: animorphs good. I’ll probably do another post like this semi-soon as I continue reading (I'm partway thru book 10 now)

#not me doing another liveblog that i probably wont finish #animorphs #lj reads animorphs

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

#JudeJournals

[studiohailstorm]

Unsolicited advice to parents of Disabled kids

I woke up this morning processing a lot of medical trauma and feeling a REALLY strong impulse to share some unsolicited advice for non-disabled parents/caregivers of Disabled kiddos. I actually wrote this for twitter but couldn't figure out how to format it so I thought I'd start by sharing it here.  I have a hunch this post might rub some folks the wrong way and I'm a perfectionist who wants everyone to like me but I'm gonna try and be brave and share anyway. Hopefully this will be useful to at least one person!

You might be like, 'ok haley, but who the heck are you and why should I listen to you abt this' and that's reasonable! I am not a child psychologist. I'm an OI (type V) adult (turned 30 this year!) who's worked with children for 17 years, and I have non-disabled parents. Ok let's start with 10 points in no particular order...

1.Stop praising your Disabled kid (directly or to other people) for being "positive," especially around medical procedures or painful experiences. While it may seem harmless to you, it trains your kid to suppress their extremely valid responses to pain for other people's comfort. Your kid should get to feel however they feel about whatever medical shit they're going through. Validate whatever feelings are coming up for them instead of constantly asking them to stay positive or be brave.

Anecdote: a kiddo I was babysitting cut his finger open when we were doing a project, and he was absolutely freaking out (understandably!). After we handled it and he was feeling better, I said to him "I'm so glad you're feeling better. You were super brave.”He said "because I didn't cry... that much?" (He cried a lot). I said "No! It's still brave if you cry!! You were brave for getting through it, and for sharing how you felt about it. You were brave for crying. It was scary and it makes sense to cry when you're scared."

2. Relatedly, protect your kid from other people relentlessly praising them for their positivity. Look up the late Stella Young's (badass OIer, btw!) talk "I'm not your inspiration, thank you very much." Allow your kid the dignity of being a complex human being with lots of different feelings.

3. I see a lot of social media posts in this realm, where parents post pictures of their Disabled kid in the hospital goin thru shit, with an inspiring caption. I get that this might help *you* process your feelings about that, but ask yourself how would it feel to be in your kid's position. How would it feel if your body was photographed at its most vulnerable, and your trauma was posted on social media for all to comment on?Having a kid going through medical procedures is traumatic for their grown-ups too, and sharing is probably cathartic for you: try sharing with a private text thread of close friends and family, instead of... literally everyone.

4. You, grown-up, are going through the ongoing traumatizing experience of having to fight for your kid in the medical realm and coordinate their care. It's a lot. Your feelings are valid too. AND…I truly believe that it will serve both yours and your kid's well-being for you to process that shit in therapy, if you have access to that. It should be a top priority.

5. Do you have Disabled adults in your life? Do you have Disabled friends? Do you follow Disabled activists and organizers on social media? Do you (and your kids) watch shows and movies with Disabled characters (played by Disabled actors?), read books by Disabled authors? If so (amazing), do the Disabled people in your life span across other intersections of identity -- are you in relationship with BIPOC, queer, poor Disabled folks, for example? Do you recognize that Disability intersects with other facets of identity in complex ways? Do the advocacy (/charity) groups and organizations you follow and participate in have Disabled leadership? If no, ask why not. Also, seek out advocacy groups with Disabled leadership.

6. Some non-disabled grown-ups of Disabled kiddos do their best to seek out a Disabled 'mentor' for their kid. Which is amazing and super well-intentioned. But imho if *you* don't model that *you* cherish and value Disabled adults in *your* life, that mentorship is likely to fall flat once your kid starts to internalize the ableism that the culture is constantly throwing at them.

7. Examine and work to uproot your own Ableism. (We all have it). Google "Disability Justice."

8. Recognize that your kid might be experiencing physical pain even if they aren't naming that. I think a lot of my tantrums and my resistance to bedtime (which are also just normal for all kids) involved the additional layer of physical pain / not wanting to be alone with pain.

9. Fiercely resist body-shaming in *all* forms, and start with yourself. Model what it is like to heal your own body-shame and develop a respectful and loving relationship with your own body. Model that all bodies are different, all bodies have needs, all bodies are worthy.

10. Relatedly, help your kid develop curiosity, joy within, and agency around their own body. Help them name what is happening in their body in positive moments as well as more painful/negative ones. Express to them that their body is THEIRS. Practice consent. When consent is breached (as it almost always is in medical settings with children), honor the trauma of that.

If you read to the end... CONGRATULATIONS! Even just having the courage to read and consider advice from a Disabled adult about your parenting is a big deal, and I don't mean that in a sarcastic or condescending way. I get that parenting is the hardest job in the world, and I know that you love your kid so fiercely.  Sending love!

#raisingDisabledKids #parentingAdvice #DisabledAndProud #Disability #DisabilityPride #KidsWithDisabilities #parenting FaerieGodmother

[imbruedinfear-a]

@undeadrphub​ asked: ALL OF THEM FOR JAY

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

this man would kill to be taller in .0002 seconds if he could. he was bullied for his height, bullied for being severely underweight, bullied for feminine hips, for.. literally anything. he hates it all. as an adult, he’s managed to pull himself out of the underweight category, but it’s solely from muscle. he’s still incredibly thin and small, just as he’s always been. you can’t get him to be comfortable without an oversized hoodie to hide in. he vaguely cares about being attractive, but it’s more ‘i don’t want them to be embarrassed to be hanging out with someone as fucking ugly as i am’ than anything else. if he’s not working or going out with people, he won’t even think of trying to improve appearance.

🍅  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it? 

dislike. who the fuck cares about their appearance that much? granted, he’s had a nose job, but it was so he could still fucking breathe rather than cosmetics. he won’t dislike you as a person for it, but he’s going to instantly find you unappealing. it just bothers him for some reason.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

stability whomst? he has two modes of health: sick once a year or sick every other week. it depends on how much food he’s been eating and whether or not he’s blown food money on beer. fuck doctors. his overall health is fucked. doctors cannot explain why he doesn’t have x problems and how he’s even still alive after all of the beatings he’s had, especially when it comes to the brain damage. he has seizures, sometimes an arm will stop working for a bit, sometimes he can’t hold anything, sometimes he’ll have a burst of amnesia. he’s a medical mystery to the point there are literal scientific articles on his case, and 98% of the time if he lands in the hospital for something they’ll just shrug it off. it’s gotten to the point he’ll break bones and still not go, because he learned how to fix that fucking problem himself when he was like 12.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? 

:^) he’s gotten away with murder ( though it was self-defense ) through the insanity claim, which is actually really fucking hard to use. that should give you an idea of his scores on mental exams. but again, he has brain damage, and every single psych he’s ever interacted with has mentioned that they can no longer determine what’s an actual mental illness or what’s just his brain being physically unable to function correctly. he’s never been to therapy, but he’s been tested several times. his scores changed every time, for every section. the only thing anyone’s certain on is PTSD. Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia have been heavily considered, but even professionals argue with each other. he’s a medical mystery even in mental health. he needs therapy, but his disorders make him extremely avoidant of it. that is not to say everything i listed is true, nor is it to say there isn’t anything unlisted here.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?  

oof. how anxious is he? if he’s anxious, he’ll fix himself 1000x times. if he’s not doing anything special, he’ll walk out the door without a second thought. he doesn’t spend a lot of time on anything, but he does make sure he’s well groomed and put together. it should be noted, though, he doesn’t look in the mirror. his own apartment doesn’t have one, and he avoids public restrooms like the plague. his own reflection is a fucking trigger. this is probably why his eyeliner is always smudged.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  

confusing as fuck. he’s lonely as hell and constantly wants to hangout with people, but he also will have periods of avoiding them like the fucking plague. he loves hanging out! he fucking hates being out! who knows! for the most part, he has a lot of friends in a lot of places and will gladly drink with any group of strangers, but he’ll yeet the fuck out if you try actually getting close to him. he’s alone, always, at home and only around people when working or getting fucked up. having other people around too often, like a roommate perhaps, will make his mental health act the fuck up.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood? 

in his words, it was a great big pile of horseshit on fire. he literally has brain damage from it. he can’t leave his own room without convincing himself it’s going to be his living room, not his childhood home, and sometimes he’ll open the bedroom door and see his father standing there, and then he’ll fucking yeet back into bed. obviously it’s impacted him just a smidge. definitely not full of self-hatred and constantly fighting himself to do shit he likes, absolutely most definitely not traumatized in a million forms and continues to trigger himself because how the fuck do you go about your day not panicking half of the time. IN OTHER WORDS, he was a fucking parent to his brother when he was only 4, he would rather die in the most slow, most painful death than return to childhood. is he even still alive bc he doesn’t know

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? 

if you knew him before his skull was caved in, you would call him a freak for how fast he could think and solve problems. he was the type of genius you’d only heard about in stories, and he pissed off his teachers because he never even needed to be taught. show him the super simple problem once and he knew how to do everything for the next three weeks. he grew up on the streets and read shakespeare for fun. he lost it all. it now only shows rarely, on really good days, when the stars want to align.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why? 

summer. he literally lived outside most of the time since he was a kid, and summer nights were easiest. outdoor concerts, parties late at night, cookouts and campfires. he also loves storms.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

which personality is showing most at the time? he’s gotten accused of rape for helping a woman once. let that sink in. but also, he’s helped so many people he’s protected by half the city’s underworld. who knows.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes? 

o k a y listen. these r getting too hard i literally don’t know ok can i asked which disorder or which personality is showing most at the time for this bc IT CHANGES like everything always does. mostly, he’s,, weird. he actively seeks it out in the sense he’ll go on dates regularly, but he’s not actually trying to find a girlfriend. he’s carefree. also traumatized. really wanted romance until his heart was ripped to shreds and now he’s convinced himself he’s not lovable, too complicated, extremely undesirable, and especially undeserving of it. he won’t let it happen. no one should have to suffer by having to deal with him. if you’re including things that were just for fun and both parties knew it wasn’t serious, he’s had a few girlfriends. if we’re only including serious things, then he’s only had (1) serious boyfriend. They were together for nearly two years, and they split solely because Jeremiah a) didn’t want sex as much and b) didn’t want to try any kinks. def no trauma from that, absolutely doesn’t panic abt not being good enough or wanting it enough or being pleasing or being fun or attractive or too scarred. nope. also totally doesn’t do shit he doesn’t even like / triggers him just bc they want it gotta give it to them. perfectly fuckin’ fine after one relationship.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them? 

our options: 1) aggressive 2) smooth n flirty 3) soft n adorable. he is all of the above. if you’re from the city and connected to the drug world at all, there’s a big ass chance you’re aware he was a major dealer at one point, the son of a psycho serial killer, and connected to damn near every gang in some way. there are few people who would be stupid enough to hurt him, just because there’s probably some member somewhere who’s going to get revenge for it. his rep is pretty positive if ur aware he basically turned the outskirts of the city from a shithole to a really good community. otherwise, u probably just think ‘criminally insane deliquent’. he doesnt rly care about it unless u start asking about his fucking dad.

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it? 

b r u h i dont fuckin know im skipping this one, he’s just obsessive compulsive about the oddest things

🍋  :    what kind of diet does my muse have?  do they eat regularly,  or the standard 2-3 meals a day?  do they have to be reminded to eat,  or are they likely to remind others?  do they cook,  or have others cook for them?  do they eat healthily,  or not so much?  

no diet. no food. eat if money, starve if none. remember to eat who?? o u mean eat everything. who fucking knows. he can cook really well, sometimes, maybe. pizza and taco bell 4 life. fuck vegetables. fruits are delicious and to be treasured. he mostly eats like shit, if he eats at all.

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero? did they move away,  or do they wish to?

none. no fucks given. still here bc no money to move. would happily fuck off to Paris or something.

#undeadrphub #( Some days I live in fear that I am every fucking thing I hate. || Jeremiah Headcanon )

[martietm]

hey  friends  !  it’s  ya  girl  gigi  , i  prefer  she/her  pronouns  ,  i’m  from  the  gmt-2  tmz  ,  which  tbh  ,  i  don’t  rly  know  what  it  means  ,  and  i’m  twenty  years  old  ,  coming  out  of  my  hole  to  introduce  u  to  martina  .  she’s  real  dumb  but  so  am  i  so  i  feel  like  we  connect  over  that  u  know  ?  anyways  ,  under  the  cut  u  will  find  some  more  info  about  her  ,  n  if  u  wanna  plot  pls  smash  that  like  button  so  i  can  scream  @  u  about  how  high  school  musical  3  rly  was  that  bitch  .  yes  ,  thats  why  it  took  me  so  long  to  get  this  posted  .  i  have  no  shame  about  it  .

ariana  grande  .  cisfemale  .  she&her  .  ／  martina  bianco  just  pulled  up  blasting  929  by  halsey   —  that  song  is  so  them  !  you know  ,  for  a  twenty  five  year  old  singer  ,  i’ve  heard  they’re  really  impetuous  ,  but  that  they  make  up  for  it  by  being  so  sociable  .  if  i  had  to  choose  three  things  to  describe  them  ,  i’d  probably  say  old  band  t-shirts  ,  high  ponytail  &  dirty  sneakers  .  here’s  to  hoping  they  don’t  cause  too  much  trouble  ! 

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒  :

𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞  :  martina bianco  . 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞  :  martie  exclusively  .  please  call  her  martie  she  will  not  answer  if  u  call  her  anything  else  or  maybe  she’ll  just  cry  abt  it  . 𝐚𝐠𝐞  :  twenty  five  . 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧  :  singer  /  songwriter  . 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲  :  closeted  bisexual  /  biromantic  . 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞  𝐨𝐟  𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡  :  newark  ,  nj  . 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭  𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞  :  los  angeles  ,  ca  /  new  york  city  ,  ny  . 𝐯𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞  𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦  :  ariana  grande  . 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲  𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬  :  sociable  ,  sincere  ,  clueless  ,  impulsive  ,  unbothered  ,  insecure  ,  funloving  ,  creative  ,  unsure  ,  adventurous  .

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃  :

martie  is  the  only  daughter  out  of  five  kids  ,  and  she  was  born  to  a  traditionally  italian  family  ,  from  both  her  parents’  sides  .  they  weren’t  rich  but  lived  comfortably  ,  and  had  a  really  big  family  in  general  .  holidays  and  birthdays  were  always  huge  in  her  family  ,  and  there  was  usually  a  funny  argument  that  ended  with  the  grandmas  spraying  everyone  with  a  water  hose  .  her  parents  weren’t  very  happy  together  ,  but  tried  their  best  to  work  through  their  problems  and  not  divorce  ,  since  they  were  very  much  christians  and  didn’t  really  believe  in  separation  .  they  did  eventually  divorce  though  ,  but  only  pretty  later  on  in  martie’s  life  .

considering  she  only  had  brothers  and  her  mother  worked  long  hours  ,  martie  didn’t  have  a  lot  of  female  influences  in  her  life  ,  so  she  grew  up  pretty  unconcerned  about  more  feminine  matters  ,  not  because  she  disliked  it  but  she  was  just  clueless to  it  .  when  she  grew  older  ,  she  got  a  lot  more  into  makeup  ,  but  fashion  still  isn’t  her  thing  .  nowadays  ,  she  has  a  personal  stylist  ,  but  when  she  dresses  herself  ,  martie  usually  ends  up  in  dirty  sneakers  and  ripped  t-shirts  .  

so  ,  growing  up  ,  considering  martie  wasnt  too  interested  in  most  of  her  brothers  hobbies  ,  she  had  to  find  herself  something  to  do  .  she  tried  a  great  many  deal  of  things  ,  and  ended  up  discovering  she  loved  music  ,  writing  song  lyrics  ,  playing  musical  instruments  ,  and  singing  .  considering  she  was  pretty  good  at  it  ,  her  parents  supported  her  wishes  and  paid  for  singing  lessons  &  bought  her  a  bunch  of  instruments  and  all  of  that  .

[  HOMOPHOBIA  /  BIPHOBIA  TW  ]  so   she  was  pretty  happy  and  chill  for  her  late  childhood   &  early  teens  ,  contrary  to  some  of  her  brothers  ,  martie  didnt  get  in  trouble  with  teachers  and  was  a  reasonably  good  student  ,  so  they  never  worried  about  her  while  she  was  growing  up  .  that  pretty  much  all  changed  when  martie  not  only  came  out  as  bisexual  to  her  family  but  also  told  them  she  was  actually  in  a  relationship  a  girl  .  her  family  was  very  religious  so  it  didn’t  surprise  her  when  her  mother  cried  for  days  &  was  clearly  disappointed  ,  but  her  dad  raged  and  screamed  and  threatened  her  with  all  kinds  of  punishments  if  she  didn’t  end  her  relationship  and  never  talked  about  her  sexuality  again  instead  ,   and  his  behaviour  made  her  feel  so  scared  that  she  did  end  up  breaking  up  with  her  first  girlfriend  and  didn’t  touch  the  subject  of  her  sexuality  for  many many  years  after  that  .  [  END  OF  TW  ]

it  caused  a  huge  shift  in  her  family  dynamics  ,  unsurprisingly  .  martie  felt  like  she  didnt  have  a  choice  but  to  hide  ,  and  she  really  resented  her  father  for  forcing  that  on  her  &  the  rest  of  the  family  for  giving  her  almost  no  support  .  her  brothers  tried  their  best  ,  but  it  was  really  hard  for  all  of  them  to  stand  up  to  their  father  .  so  she  focused  a  lot  on  her  music  ,  because  by  then  she  was  sure  that  it  was  her  way  out  of  that  environment  that  was  hurting  her  so  much  .

she  was  picked  up  by  a  label  when  she  was  19  ,  and  left  her  home  in  newark  as  soon  as  she  could  .  choosing  to  stay  with  new  friends  and  acquaintances  as  she  worked  her  way  into  the  music  industry  .  after  being  featured  in  a  few  other  artist’s  songs  &  having  a  first  single  to  become  a  smash  hit  (  side  to  side  )  ,  martie  released  dangerous  woman  ,  her  first  album  that  climbed  steadily  up  the  charts  until  she  was  basically  everywhere  .  it  was  a  very  sudden  change  of  environment  but  she  was  very  happy  about  it  ,  at  least  she  wasnt  stuck  around  her  dad  anymore  .

however  ,  she  is  still  just  as  stuck  as  she  was  back  in  her  hometown  ,  since  once  she  blew  up  ,  her  label  &  management  thought  it  would  also  be  a  good  idea  to  hide  her  sexuality  ,  at  least  until  she  was  more  ‘established’  in  the  industry  .  newsflash  ,  its  been  five  years  and  they  still  wont  let  her  come  out  about  it  .  she’s  definitely  growing  impatient  ,  though  ,  so  that’s  not  something  that’s  gonna  be  a  secret  for  too  long  probably  .  still   ,  there’s  not  a  lot  of  ppl  who  know  abt  her  sexuality  out  there  so  far  .

so  ,  in  the  five  years  she’s  been  famous  ,  martie  kept  in  contact  with  a  few  family  members  ,  but  definitely  not  her  dad  .  her  parents  divorced  a  couple  of  years  after  she  left  ,  and  her  mom  decided  to  make  more  of  an  effort  to  be  around  her  &  get  over  her  prejudice  to  support  martie’s  choices  ,  which  helped  heal  their  relationship  in  ways  martie  didnt  really  expect  .

considering  the  career  she  has  now  ,  martie  has  managed  to  keep  a  relatively  unproblematic  image  on  the  media  .  she’s  had  her  controversial  moments  for  sure  ,  and  there  are  definitely  reasons  for  people  to  dislike  her  ,  but  mostly  she  gets  away  unscathed  by  fans  ,  the  media  does  have  a  field  trip  coming  up  w  untrue  headlines  about  her  tho  .

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘  :

okay  so  ,  martie  is  kinda  like  a  not  so  big  kid  still  ?  she’s  never  had  to  actually  be  by  herself  her  entire  life  ,  so  adulting  is  something  she  has  a  certain  difficulty  doing  .  she’s  very  unbothered  about  life  in  general  ,  so  something  really  worrying  that  mostly  everyone  would  freak  out  about will  rarely  ever  bother  her  .  but  ,  she  will  freak  out  for  three  days  if  she  gets  asked  to  pay  her  own  bills  or  something  as  mundane  .  

she  also  kinda  lives  in  her  own  little  world  ,  and  in  a  way  ,  she  can  be  very  confident  in  the  aspect  of  not  really  bothering  about  almost  anyone’s  opinions  about  her  &  her  actions  ,  if  she  wants  to  do  something  that  will  make  her  happy  ,  she  won’t  really  think  about  it  before  doing  so  ,  so  she’s  kinda  reckless in  that  way  .  but  she  also  doubts  herself  very  much  when  it  comes  to  self  worth  &  like  things  related  to  her  actual  personality  .  we  love  multifaceted  muses  am i  right ?  lmao

martie  is  great  to  make  friends  with  ,  she  will  pretty  much  get  along  with  everyone  ?  is  a  super  social  being  ,  loves  being  surrounded  by  people  ,  probably  has  a  bunch  of  her  friends  living  with  her because  she  just  doesn’t  like  being  alone  .  

loves  working  !  spends  almost  her  entire  free  time  in  the  studio  ,  if  u  haven’t  seen  her  in  three  days  chances  are  she’s  trying  to  finish  a  song  .  can  get  a  little  lost  on  it  though  so  she  definitely  needs  some  looking  after  when  she  gets  into  songwriting  mode  .

overall  a  disaster  child  ?  doesn’t  know  how  to  function  but  tries  her  best  &  isn’t  that  all  we  can  ask ? 

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃  𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒  :

a  secret  relationship  with  a  girl  ,  work  collaborators  ,  a  pr  relationship  ,  exes  ,  the first  love  from  high  school  maybe  ?  ,  roommates  ,  best  friends  ,  protective  friendships  ,  good  influences  ,  bad  influences  ,  smth  based  on  ghostin’  by  ari  ,  something  based  on  you  should  be  sad  by  halsey  .

#excess:intro #um this took me a Minute #im sorry pls enjoy this late mess

[f-nodragonart]

ok wait I have one more rant abt American Dragon and I swear I’m done, but the whole concept of a ‘leader’ dragon for every country is very.... strange to me

like ok, suspension of disbelief for vague hand-wavey magic, or the existence of magical creatures, etc. fine fine. but the whole PREMISE of the show is built around the concept of an American Dragon-- yet that concept is so incredibly, frustratingly vague. like I said in my original review, I’m willing to excuse a lot for a simple kid’s show that isn’t looking to worldbuild super deeply, but the main premise at the VERY least should have SOME planning behind it

for one, the physical size and population distribution of each country varies WILDLY across the globe, it’s honestly stupid to assign the same number of ‘leader’ dragons (one) to each, and expect each dragon to serve their respective country to the same degree of competence. the US is a fuckin MASSIVE country w/ two states disconnected from the mainland, and SEVERAL different biomes that have contributed to diverse sets of populations (which would likely be reflected among magical creatures as well, culturally and biologically-speaking). it’s ridiculous to expect ONE dragon to serve, represent, and protect ALL those populations

and the thing is, Jake DOESN’T do that! he’s a New York Dragon at best. the only times I remember him helping out w/ magical emergencies out-of-state are when he’s traveling for personal reasons (like visiting family) or when he’s tending to dragon council business, in which case most dragons across the world are gathering there too (not to mention these instances are generally out-of-country)

having a ‘leader’ dragon assigned to a bio/cultural region without even bothering with human borders would make FAR more sense (esp since the dragons don’t even wanna bother w/ the human world anyways, so why are they assigning things based on human constructs??). hell, there could even still be dragons representing larger areas too, so long as it was established that they’re the more broad-scope representatives that must regularly convene with the dragon representatives of the smaller regions under their jurisdiction. this would assure that each dragon is truly an intimate member of the communities they’re assigned to, rather than some outsider intruding on important matters that they simply can’t understand w/o cultural context. this especially makes sense if we assume that dragon forms are magical/psychological projections of the cultural society that a given dragon is raised in, rather than a *strictly* biological body whose traits are genetically inherited (tho like I said in my main review, I’m rly doubtful of that actually being canon to the show...)

now, it would admittedly be p cool if the show took the time to pull Jake across the nation to explore different cultural/ecological regions and the magical creatures within. but that’s expecting a lot from a show that only establishes that Jake is part-Chinese on the most shallow of levels, and fails to explore Chinese culture in any intimate manner beyond ONE(1) episode about the Chinese new year. like, the bar is on the ground, here

and even if some attention had been paid to America’s diverse cultural settings, I’d still be skeptical of Jake being able to handle the whole nation on his own. hell, I’m skeptical of an ADULT dragon being able to handle a nation as huge as the US, much less a tween handling the whole thing. I already take huge issue w/ kid’s shows framing dangerous, mature situations as “normal” responsibilities for children to encounter and just “get over”, as if they’re as commonplace and simple as like, studying for class. so every time Jake is reprimanded for not managing his time properly when he’s running on 10 min of sleep after facing off against angry trolls, or trying to take some free time for himself when he’s missed out on every other chance at a normal middle school milestone, I genuinely seethe w/ rage

at least w/ most other kid’s shows there’s some explanation I can accept for the main character having to go through that kinda stress. like w/ Danny Phantom, Danny unfortunately goes thru a freak accident, and he can’t tell his ghost-hunting parents abt it for fear that they might tear him apart for science or misguided protection, and he decides on his own that he has some responsibility to use his powers for active good (tho DP still pulls the “ghost-fighting is just like balancing school and a social life!” bullshit that I HATE..). or w/ Steven Universe, all this responsibility was thrust on Steven by adults who didn’t understand the consequences of their actions or had no other choice, and Steven’s currently dealing w/ the massive emotional fallout of having his childhood stolen from him

but with American Dragon, like... this shit is PLANNED. the council carefully CHOOSES the dragon for each nation-- these adults have a RESPONSIBILITY to both a whole WORLD of magical creatures AND their dragon subordinates to choose capable, mature dragons to lead the magical world. and for some reason they decide that this responsibility should fall on the shoulders of LITERAL CHILDREN?? who was the previous American Dragon? where the hell are they now? (Neopuff pointed out to me that Jake is in fact the first AD, which is even even more suspect than before! what!!) even if Jake is chosen to be a potential future AD, why does he have to take on that full responsibility now?? why isn’t a seasoned adult taking care of the bulk of responsibilities until Jake grows up??? like I get that children’s power fantasies hit different when ur an adult b/c u can recognize what responsibilities a child shouldn’t have to deal with-- I GET that it’s good to let children explore mature responsibilities in fiction, I’m not arguing that. but these responsibilities should at LEAST make sense in-context, and NO adult should have knowingly thrust these duties on literal children w/o some DAMN good explanation for why they literally CAN’T assign dragon duties to adults. not to mention that the whole, “you’re selfish and need to learn better time management skills,” thing is such an insidious message to direct at kids who should literally only be expected to... be kids? I’m SO fucking mad abt this!!!

and don’t even get me STARTED on the fact that Jake is being trained by the Chinese Dragon, and Haley by the Korean Dragon. like, again, the show establishes that there’s only one ‘leader’ dragon for every nation, and that Lao Shi and Sun are the current dragons of their respective countries-- they haven’t resigned, as far as we know. so like, what happened to China and Korea (and now that I think abt it, which Korea??)? they just don’t have dragon protectors? fuck them, I guess, they’re on their own now? b/c training American dragons is so much more important than protecting their own countries? b/c a Chinese and Korean dragon somehow have better knowledge of American magical communities than the dragons that have actually been living there and presumably been serving those communities for decades (and b/c every Asian country is apparently interchangeable, so a Korean dragon is obviously perfectly fit to understand the cultural background of part-Chinese dragons)? hello???

now I AM at least willing to consider that perhaps the dragon council runs on enough shallow bureaucracy that their predecessors just arbitrarily decided to assign a single, young dragon to each country, and the current council is too stubborn to change that tradition even in the face of its clear problems. like, actual real-life political systems are absolutely fucked, so it tracks that a fantasy political system could be similarly broken. this doesn’t explain all the fuckshit, but it might at least explain some of the fuckshit. BUT none of these problems are ever brought up in the show, so we have to assume that they are somehow, canonically......... not actually problems..... ugh.............

and none of this even BEGINS to tackle the weird dragon monarchy over all magical-kind. like this obviously isn’t exclusive to AD, u see this sorta bloodline-bound authority thing in a LOT of western fantasy media. but the fact that the dragon council seems so utterly incompetent when u pick apart all the above issues, I’m just sitting here like... how have the trolls/elves/merfolk/etc. not guillotined y’all yet? lmfao

-Mod Spiral

#don't get me wrong I still rly love this show. nostalgia's a helluva drug #but this RLY fucked me up while I was rewatching it #like please sir? an ounce of logic for me sir? my family is starving #american dragon #American Dragon: Jake Long #mod spiral #reviews #long post

[kae-karo]

Okay but can you do an analysis of the heart throb video?? bc WE all need that

oh hello dear u bet ur ass i can i mean jfc how could i not what is this nonsense i’m shooketh to my core

thank u dearest anons for expressing literally all the moods on this one lmao let’s go

throbbers dan u are well aware what that sounds like

see the cute thing is i think they went into the vid with the intent of it being like lmao fun cute wholesome which is sweet but like this is dapg they should know better

‘phil’s got his guns out’ nobody asked dan???? i mean we love em just as much as u tho

any time dan says ‘this is gonna be a whole thing’ u know it gon b gay

we stan air quotes around ‘for girls’

‘a whole big box of yikes right here’ did u mean: dnpgames

dan always looks immensely soft in that jumper??

hi excuse me where’s phil’s heartthrob card bc like damn

sned hlep

dan adds ‘apparently’ to stuff when he’s like actually genuinely unsure/uncomfy/feeling awkward this has been a psa

‘choose your favorite on looks alone’ i mean same phil

“‘fast food freak’ that person might have my heart” / “i’m a fast food freak” i mean honestly ‘you and dan are so married’/’it’s a useful thing’ is quaking, i would bang voldemort whomst? idk her

phil absolutely roasting dan, fast food freak and has to be the center of attention i mean we been knew but phil out here exposing him

they both like,,,,,,,enjoy looking at buff lads but wouldn’t actually be like Genuinely into them ofc bc they’re both fuckin noodles and they love each other

‘toot toot hello’ dan,,,,,stop

look boys i know y’all only have eyes for each other but like u don’t have to come up with stories/reasons why every single guy is actually creepy or terrifying

hi i now demand dan posing as bobby and phil posing as richard, complete with the tank top for dan and the glasses/sweater combo for phil

it’s always about the kinks isn’t it

the fuckin yodeling pickle why why is that a reference

dan’s idea of school dancing being grinding and phil’s just straight up like

dan’s ‘oh phil’ catch me fucking sobbing why is he so soft for his man

dan having like a paragraph-long explanation for why he thinks phil chose the person he chose, where phil’s just like ‘lmao p sure u picked this one eh’

OH MY GOD NO EXCUSE ME PHIL U MADE THIS DECISION BC U THINK DAN’S A THIRSTY HOE WHO WOULD FULLY JUDGE ON LOOKS AND PICK THE SEXIEST-LOOKING PERSON

‘the night leads somewhere a nice pg peck on the cheek’ mhm yeah okay lads we all know what ur idea of ‘a night together’ ends with so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

someone save me why do they have to look This Good

granny is not a reference i wanted or needed thanks bye

i love that they both thought it was cute that richard was a tuba player

and then ofc they went the whole ‘it’s sexual’ route what is wrong with them guys guys guys ik this might come as a shock but not everything is sexual okay

(hi dear anon! basically there’s a whole stigma abt band camp being like where all the teens hook up n stuff just a weird culture thing)

dan sees phil in richard and that’s why he keeps trying to defend all the cute lil awkward things and u cannot convince me otherwise

like if they did another round with ‘who would u like want to marry’ dan would pick richard them’s just the facts

phil’s ‘i’m not messing around/lying/fucking with u (but i actually am lmao)’ face

dan guessing all of phil’s right is a mood i mean that boy has to keep up his phil trash status

dan’s doing that ‘top or bottom, phil’ face to the camera bc it says girlfriend and he’s trying to Make A Point by staring

stop they’re so cute look i can’t

‘that is a game changer’ dan had richard pegged as his endgame but now he’s got a Project to work on with bobby, u bet ur ass he didn’t go into his current relationship feeling like Super Confident and maybe felt like phil looked at him as a project or someone to fix n he never experienced that n so is that his way of projecting or smth idk but i think it’s Very Interesting

‘he’s just a lil jaffa cake’ phil ily but ur metaphors man ur metaphors need some work

twins

the final piece of the richard puzzle: “bumps into walls and trips over his own feet” dan: *internal screaming* oh my god it’s phil

this literally became ‘who do u want, the rich boy with a soft, sensitive side, the awkward but endearing nerd, or the unsettlingly strange guy who’s called ‘the lemon’’ and idk how i feel abt it

i do love that phil knew dan was moved by the ‘never been kissed’ thing

and then dan had to go on a full minute-long explanation for his actual reasoning bc nothing is ever simple with him and i love him but he a complex boye and everything he does he either puts a massive amt of thought into or literally none at all he has no concept of moderation

phil straight up attacking dan ‘u like fancy things boy u ain’t slick i know u’

also phil relating furries to nudism as if they’re at all related i mean same dan same

(his actual reasoning was dan doesn’t like wearing clothes around the flat and that’s the tea)

‘u like his look’ ‘no i mean okay yes but that’s not the point okay’

i also feel like dan’s looking at this from the perspective of,,,,,an adult pretending to be a teen and applying what he knows now as an adult and like his life growth to his decisions even though he’s pretending he’s a teen,,,,,

also boi u literally got with ur husband at eighteen don’t pretend that meant u were an adult u were still So Young

bless phil for sounding offended at the idea of dan wanting to date someone as a project

hi dan ur fond is showing

‘you are not editing that out’ yes drag ur husband on camera i’m here for it

this felt important

bless them both for discussing the lack of diversity in the game & calling out the gender role issues, it’s always good to hear that

i’m sorry it’s ‘almost as sexual’ lads did y’all even watch the gwf vid???? i’m hard-pressed to come up with a more blatantly sexual vid y’all have ever made (and i don’t mean like higher on the fuck energy scale that’s another story i just mean like full of intentional innuendos) 

honestly sometimes they Do Things and i’m like lmao they think they’re self aware they ain’t tho they know Nothing but like. sometimes

#dnp #dan and phil #dapg #phan #danandphilgames #heartthrob #vid analysis #anon #vodka-tante #ask #kt

[trackinghallownest]

alright yeehaw i understand i am in the habit of drawing my characters in periods of time and at ages that are WILDLY inconsistent so i’m going to circumvent the confusion that comes with planning out my ocs entire lives at least a little by tagging it properly

you can find a tagging key under the cut with links (not all times have drawings for them yet)

chronology: the time before

characters featured: any

> any content pertaining to what lives were like before main events, for any character  > eg. the vessels in the abyss, chaff in the grimm troupe, nip with other mantis, bobbin in deepnest, so on so forth

chronology: the first vessel

characters featured: chaff, nip (young adults), spindle (babby)

> spindle gets picked up in deepnest and finds themselves a nice family. aww > honestly its all pretty wholesome at this point > chaff figures out how to parent some very weird child and nip finds this hilarious > at some point spindle encounters nosk for a second time and its very emotionally charged. nip kills it > in this time chaff accidentally discovers the abyss and naturally freaks out; does his research, finds out where vessels really came from

chronology: resolve the past

characters featured: chaff, nip (young adults), spindle (adolescent)

> the grimm troupe turns up in hallownest and chaff actually has to confront his past in order to stay > in the same general timeframe nip goes to queens gardens to confront their own demons and beat up some ex-family > chaff befriends the grimmchild and survives the troupe’s ritual, staying where he is > nip gets VERY stabbed by traitor lord but they’re fine, allegedly

chronology: spindle’s siblings

characters featured: chaff, nip (adults), spindle (young adult), thimble, scratch (babbies)

> spindle learns about their true intended purpose from chaff after he finishes up his research and gets Angry. decides to make peace with their origins and go to the abyss again > there are more vessels there. they yoink them out the death pit and bring them home > thimble and scratch now also have to adjust to living on the surface, and chaff to having the parentage contract suddenly extended by More Babies > thimble and flicker become friends

chronology: before the truce

characters featured: chaff, nip (adults), spindle (young adult), thimble, scratch (children/adolescents)

> shit starts HITTING THE FAN. ‘the truce’ as a concept is mostly part of @/asl-the-vixuls’s HK story but we kinda merged oops taking out all the merged parts tho > chaff starts to get infected. spindle panics > scratch gets killed, panics > thimble and flicker fall out and stop talking > there’s just a whole lot of all-round panic, nip gets forced into a child-watching role and is nervous but can’t do anything abt it

chronology: striking out

characters featured: chaff, nip, spindle (adults), thimble, scratch (adolescents)

> shit double hits the fan. you’d think everything would be sorted but it’s not > nip trades their own life for chaff’s and goes feral with infection for a while, chaff’s ok tho > scratch and thimble have some very emotional Mistake Making Moments > thimble accidentally hurts their sibling and flees out of shame, scratch fails to find them and also decides not to go home > spindle is CONSUMED WITH WORRY and also chaff is still kinda heavily recovering and not really conscious yet > the others dont come back for MONTHS, close to a year. this is the period where spindle starts becoming overgrown with lifeblood > eventually nip is dragged home, injured but supposedly lucid again; there’s a catch tho and they HATE IT > thimble makes it to queens gardens, takes up a protection gig with the white lady (not officially of course), continues to suffer tho > scratch gets to the colosseum and beats things up until they feel better. they never really do

chronology: reunion and recovery

characters featured: chaff, nip, spindle (adults), thimble, scratch (young adults)

> the kids are located, find out about spindle’s predicament, come running finally > actually hatch a plan to get them out of it, and it actually works! > however thrilled everybody including spindle may be, they spent a long time lonely and covered in plants and that messed with them a bit > gets to deal with the aftermath and the consequences - but they have their family now! and are actually the happiest theyve been in nearly a year >part of this is getting over a very reasonable fear of lifeblood now oops. and functioning with one hand n even less communication > the kids dont permanently live at home but while spindle’s recovering they stick around

chronology: new additions

characters featured: chaff, nip, keer, spindle, thimble, scratch (adults), ruth (child), bobbin (child...?) 

> EVERYONE IS HERE > keer turns up in dirtmouth and after befriending chaff, the two realise their experiences overlap and oh shit theyre siblings > keer punches him but they explain themselves > spindle meets bobbin and finds out about clothes. incredible. immediately develops the worst EVER fashion sense > scratch finds ruth while fighting in the colosseum, being used as enemy fodder. breaks them the FUCK out of there and never goes back > and so begins a cycle of socialising a babby whose only learned instinct is to stab everything that moves before it can stab them first > turns out scratch is a great parent/big sib tho > spindle grows themselves a homemade new arm out of lifeblood plants. very practical. takes them a whole day to get right tho

chronology: to pharloom

characters featured: ruth, bobbin (young adults)

> no idea. ruth, bobbin and their friend silk (also from ask-the-vixuls) go to pharloom but we cannot work on this til we get silksong :pensive:

#if u read all of this 1) i'm sorry 2) oh boy #chronology post

[cynder-wolfy]

here’s me making a really long post rambling abt dragons from a game i play

just to clarify, 0 of these dragons are mine, they all come from an online game called dragon cave. i added links to their wiki page so people can see what they look like (&i can use this as a short cut) and all of their sprite artists are credited there. usually the sprite artists come up with their dragon's description as well

starting off with the list of pygmies or smaller dragons

kyanite pygmy - i really love these lil guys, they're playful & feisty and i could see them being really friendly but kind of fickle wild dragons, like they'll play with kids in the woods but parents try not to let them

mimic pygmy - i LOVE these pygmies, they're friendly during the day but at night they're >:-). i can see them being a dragon people regularly try to kill, cause i dont think they're above killing any humans in the woods at night

mint dragon - there isn't much to this dragon, they're just small & flightless and i can see people using them for weed control in their gardens cause they're herbivores

pipio pygmy - i LOVE these guys!! they're kinda birdlike and probably the 'perfect' pet dragon, but cause of their popularity i can see them being treated like shit a lot by breeders

common pygmy - could definitely be a pet dragon, but i think they'll just be a friendly wild dragons, & if you give them some honey they'll love you for like, a day lmao

red-tailed wyrm pygmy - just a good all round Boy, a wingless worm dragon that can still fly is pretty cool. i can see them as a pet dragon but they wander off a lot so most people don't bother. they're more of a 'around town' dragon than a dedicated pet

and now the normal/ bigger dragons :D

almerald dragon - they're very pretty and weird!! they're basically a mood dragon fdhfdj i like the colour change thing & that they're just kind of lazy, so i wanna add them in as a casual wild dragon that's just kind of indifferent to humans

anagallis dragon - oh i love these ones!! they're friendly and like sun bathing & defening smaller dragons, so i figure they're pretty good friends w humans too

azure glacewing dragons - big boys !!! too big to be concerned about humans but i love them !! i don't think i can find a place to add them but they could be used to background lore purposes

ash dragons - these ones are so cool, they big & have a scary face but they're gentle giants. smaller dragons go to them for protection. i really wanna add one in at some point, maybe towards the start of the story

black dragons - they were an original species on DC so their description is kind of flat, but they're pretty badass, i can see them being dangerous dragons at night

balloon dragons - i have no idea how i'll fit them in but god i love them, just a species full of lads

black truffle dragons- oh god i love these poor dragons, they canonically get exploited by humans so i can see people like. kidnapping them from the wild & locking them up. i think i wanna add them in later at some point, but they're good for lore purposes

dark green dragons - v good 'evil' dragon, i think i'll definitely be using them near the start or when things kick off

day glory drakes - !!!!!! i love this species !!! they're definitely the most popular dragon to own, cause they're about the size of a cat (:D!!!!) and they're so pretty, there's also night glory drakes but they arent as common as pets  

daydream dragons - i never read their desc up until now and oh god i love them. they literally just spend their lives zoning out. mood. i think it wld be cute if humans hung out near them when they wanted to sleep well or just have a good think 

duotone dragon - two-headed boy! love that! they’ll probably be in the story solely for that reason 

floret wyvern - god i love these ones!! they’re so pretty and nice sounding & i wanna be it’s friend. i think the calming aura is really cool & they could be an awesome recurring dragon or even a straight up main character at some point

honey drake - small good boy!! likes honey!! is basically a bee dragon!! i can see them being pets as well or just rlly friendly wild dragons, if you give them some honey 

kingcrowne dragon - hhh!! they’re so pretty and v good for more dragon/human history and lore

magi dragons - kinda neat & i can see them being feared by humans cause of how they use magic mostly. i think i’ll include their transport bsa in the story 

ochredrake - one of the only few bigger dragons to be considered pets, cause it specifically mentions that they tame easily & also i said so. pretty tight drake 

pink dragon - i can see these dudes being luxury pets or a status symbol just cause they’re pink i guess 

sapphire dragons - good for lore!! they’re very pretty and i definitely want them in the story at some point 

striped river dragons - love!! just some water loving boys. feel like adding them as casual wild dragon, not adding anything to plot just kinda bein there 

tatterdrake - just some vicious fun loving boys!! a good ‘evil’ wild dragon, idk if i’ll add them but i think they’re pretty cool 

whiptail dragons - love them!! small fast & cool. will proabbly be a wild dragon 

gold dragons - god these dragons are perfect for lore. the most hunted/sought after dragons to exist & they are Not Happy about it lol. 

neglected dragons - i’m not sure how i’m gonna logic these into the story, but i want to add them for lore & also just to show cruel humans are becoming toward dragons. owners will purposefully mistreat eggs so that the dragon inside is forced to become a neglected dragon, and they loath their owner for doing it but they’re too physically weak and dependant on that owner to be able to leave. it’s considered a huge status symbol to own/create a neglected dragon 

uhhh and that’s all the species i’ve looked at so far!! this is definitely Not all of the species on DC but i want to start out the story in a forest, so i only looked at forest dragons for convenience. maybe if i end up writing the story i’ll expand the list as roman goes to the different “zones” in the world 

oh and the plot i guess: the main character will probably be a late teen/early adult roman, living in town somewhere on the edge of the forest. he’s grown up in a time where there was mostly peace between humans and dragons but dozens of incidents start happening and the people of the town are slowly turning against dragons. he’s always felt kind of connected to them but was unsure why.

uhhh something Happens at some point & suddenly he can fuckin. Hear dragons talking. and it freaks him the fuck out. he tries to hide it but his mother notices and reveals that she found him as a baby in weird circumstances and had a hunch something like this was going to happen. so roman gets insanely curious about dragons once he can hear them, but he’s afraid to speak to them. only problem is the town is now against dragons and any more interest in them would only bring suspicion onto him.

so he just fuckin. goes out into the woods. and tries to learn by watching them. it obviously doesn’t go so well the first few times but he starts off with smaller dragons like pyymies and just tries to interact with them. 

i’m not sure if i’ll keep the story being him just going around & interacting with dragons. i could make it ambreigns like way later in the story once he starts travelling, and i think the first Big plot point would be him trying to convince the town the dragons are ok.

as for the dragons, there’s like a Big Evil dragon queen that has some kind of mana that’s never been seen before, so she’s slowly trying to infect the different dragons species with it to kill the humans who have been killing them. 

idk. its messy man!! its messy. but i like talking about it so i am. even if i dont write it its still a good story to play out in my head. i’m not good with fantasy stories so i’d probably screw it up lol 

if you’ve read this far I’m Sorry 

#dragon story #hoo. boy. this is very stream of consciousness #but i had fun #long post

[lovethediseasedkillerpuppy]

Dean’s 2 talks with Mary:

Lemme freak out over this scene before I dissect it line by line. I replayed this stuff a good 10x bc I was so damn elated that Dean stuck up for himself & Mary sure as hell needed to hear these things. Jensen did a phenomenal job. I loved every second of it.

Mary: Just hear me out, please.

Dean: wow, just wow.

Mary: Dean, what the BMOL are doing, what we're doing, it's a better way. Look, I'm not blind to who they are or what they've done but…

Uh yeah actually ya are blind to what they've done bc you don't know all the people they've killed & ignorance isn't an excuse. You got in bed with these guys, you should have looked into 'em. You don't want to know bc it'll mess with what you want. 

Sam: When? When did you start working with them?

Mary: Before the lake house. It wasn't Wally. They brought me that case.

Try a lot before the lake house. Y'all were pretty damn cozy by then.

Dean: You were running an errand for the brits, you kept it from us. Cas almost died.

Sam: A hunter got killed.

Mary: You think I don't know? I'm the one who burned his body. I'm the one who told his wife. I watch him die every night.

Dean: Good.

Actually Dean, you ALL almost died. That prince of Hell was abt to take you all out bc of your mom's sticky fingers. Cas was just the one who got seriously hurt. What happened to your explaining, Mary? This shit sounds like defensive justifying your actions, making it abt you & trying to garner sympathy. As Dean said, good. Any guilt you're having is well earned.

*scene intermission *

Mary: I'm doing this for you. I'm playing 3 decades of catch up here.

But what does the former have to do with the latter? Again you're straying from this promised “explanation” & trying to manipulate the convo to gain pity for yourself. And I’ll leave Dean to deal w the 2nd part of that bullshit.

Dean: And we're not? How do you think this has been for us? We're your sons. And you've been gone, our whole lives. You've been gone. You said that you needed time. No, you said you need space. So we gave you ur space, but you didn't need just space, no you needed space from us.

DEAN FUCKING WINCHESTER KEEPING IT REAL

Mary: That's not true. Dean I'm trying...

Ok so ur just gonna totally ignore his question, cool. Dean isn’t gonna push the issue it seems but I still wanna know. How do you think it was for them? Have you even thought abt it? Do you give a shit?

Dean: How about for once you just try and be a mom!

And BOOOOOM there it is!!! Your benefit of the doubt adjustment time was waaaay long enough, mother Mary. Abt damn time someone said it. All the bonus points that it was Dean who got to.

Mary: I am your mother but I am not just a mom & you are not a child.

It's interesting to me here how Mary differs from what Dean said. Dean told her to try being “A” mom, implication being act like a mom/do motherly things. But Mary says I am “YOUR” mother, implication that she birthed them. There's a fuck ton world of difference b/t being a mom (as Dean requests) & being a mother (that Mary answers back with) Birthing children makes you what Mary is defending herself to be. Actually being there for them & loving them is what makes you a mom, what Dean is, perfectly reasonably, asking for.

Now onto the 2nd part which is several levels of ridiculous. Who the hell said anything abt her being JUST a mom? Stop putting words into his mouth. And telling him he isn't a child...now THAT sounds very childish. But again, stop putting words in his mouth. Also how fucking dare you, bitch. You have your beloved John's journal & you KNOW Dean didn't even get that chance when he WAS a child.

Dean: I never was.

THERE IT IS. Thatta boy. Call her on her shit. You’re still being too easy on her, but ur a better person than me so...

Dean: So b/t us & them…

Mary: It's not like that...

Dean: Yeah Mary, it is. And you made your choice. So there's the door.

Oh how much I LOVED him calling her Mary. Being called mom shouldn't be smth just expected no matter what. Bitch hasn't earned that. Gah, ik how much it must have hurt him to do but seeing Dean kick her ass out was satisfying as fuck.

Onto talk 2...

Dean: It's not your job to make my lunch...kiss me at night. We're adults. You're gonna make your own choices even if I don't like 'em. Even if I really really don't like 'em. So that's just smth I'm gonna have to get used to.

Alright, there's a lot to be said abt this. I've seen a lot of anger over “Dean apologizing again” I understand why it's being looked at that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed off abt this dialogue too but I'll get to that. To me, this wasn't an apology in the strict sense of the word. It wasn't him saying he was sorry, it was him laying things out there, making it completely clear what he meant before abt the mom thing. (since apparently she is that dense so he needs to spell it out for her) 

Now the reason it infuriates me & why imo it's being dubbed an apology is this; as per fucking every single time it is DEAN who has to be the bigger person. As always it's DEAN who is having to smooth things over. As always it's DEAN putting it out there that he's willing to accept & love someone unconditionally. Don't get me wrong, these are things that make up the big beautiful heart this boy has & I never want him to lose that, but as someone who loves him it PISSES ME OFF. Dean won't be petty so allow me. Why does it always have to be Dean? Why does he always have to swallow the shit? Why does he never get to just freely express his thoughts & feelings w/o needing to back track/suck it up later? Why is it always Dean who has to see & understand everyone else's point of view but nobody bothers to do the same for him? Can't we have that for Dean even ONCE? Of all the times this shit has happened you would think the ONE damn time it could've happened would be from his mother, but no, he can't even have that. So while I don't see it as an 'apology' I'm still just as damn enraged over him even having to give this little speech at all. MARY was in the wrong. MARY should have been the one to patch things up...and not to mention bc who expected Dean to get an I’m sorry but Ima do it anyway; WHERE IS MARY’S I’M SORRY??? HUH? And we’ve had enough damn examples of Dean ‘I will love everyone unconditionally’ Winchester. It’s beyond over damn due that we get some examples of him getting unconditional love back ffs. On the plus side at least Dean still stood his ground that he didn’t like her choice. He won’t do it, but we can give a huge I TOLD YOU SO later when this goes to shit.

Onto a different side of this rant. The fact that what Dean said is just utter nonsense. WHERE did this shit even start? Sam has said similar. I've seen some fandom say similar. The show is obviously trying to push it but WHY. It isn't black & white, all or nothing like the writers are trying to portray it. Oh either Mary is cold, distant, abandons them or she stays home, bakes them cookies & wipes their snot. Where the hell does that reasoning come from? Who even thinks it's reasonable to think that's what Dean would want? It's one of the more asinine things these writers have done & that's on a list of a LOT of competition. They're ridiculous. They're going so far 'this' way to try to show how oh so not sexist they are by having this bad ass career woman, kids be damned, & we are inclusive of the ladies but all it's doing in reality is making Mary look like a cold hearted selfish bitch. Of course she isn't just a mom. Nobody's expecting that. But she isn't even being a mom AT ALL. She's awful & the fact that the show is trying to have the narrative be in HER favor & making her sons just deal w it & see it her way & making THEM seem like the unreasonable ones (mostly Dean) is srsly sending a terrible message to the younger viewers.

Children plz, listen up, you do NOT have to love & accept your parents just bc they're your parents. If they hurt you you have every right to express that & call them out on it. If they disregard your feelings & continue to hurt you, you have every right to show them the door. Parents do NOT have the right to treat you like shit with the justification “I'm your mom/dad so I can treat you however I want & ur supposed to allow it” Blood does NOT make you family. That's complete truth. You DO need to earn that by being there for & loving someone. “They're family, they're supposed to make you miserable” IS WRONG. If 'family' truly makes you miserable it's called a toxic relationship & you need to srsly think abt whether it's worth it to keep the r/s going. If you hope it's salvageable & want to change it then go for it & try but if not then there is nothing wrong with cutting ties with blood family members. As heart breaking as it is, the truth is some of us are born to parents that are lives are better WITHOUT. Allowing them to continue to abuse you, be it mentally or physically, by brushing it off with “they're my mom/dad” can & will cause lasting damage./psych rant.

#supernatural #dean winchester #spn meta #season 12 #anti mary winchester #rant #thoughts #12x14 #the raid #DEAN DESERVES BETTER #dean needs a hug #my psych brain leaking into the post #writer fail #JENSEN IS A GOD DAMN GIFT TO THIS SHOW #jensen ackles

[imnotedgy0-0]

I'm lowkey done with everyone's shit

Ok so this sounds like rly generic bUt hear me out.

Alright this rly doesn't need too much explaining but idk here's a little story.

Basically on Friday my entire fucking class was just being their usual shitheaded selves but for some reason either I was rly noticing it today or they were being extra fucking stupid. So anyways I was just rly mad bc of that, and then to make my day worse my friend turns to me and says "[my name], ur no longer my favorite" (long story short there was this whole thing (that's way to complicated to explain) abt me being allegedly his favorite in our 11-person friend group). And for some reason that was just like the little cherry on top of the bullshit of the day and I just got so fucking pissed even though it was such a 2nd grade thing to happen. Idk. I just feel like it's so much harder to find ppl that I can genuinely like at least 80% of the time. I only know like 4 other ppl who rnt complete fuckfaces and one of them is my sister who's still a fulcing retard.

Like wtf did I miss smth in the How to Act in Society handbook or am I just overly mature???? Why is it that literally everyone else in my fucking age group r complete shitheads? I mean yeah memes can be funny and so can other internet shit but like???? Does everything have to be overdone????? Is everyone required to play videogames?????? If ur a female who's not a meme lord do u have to spend all ur time taking stupid selfies and DIYing ur bedroom? R all guys supposed think that they're the funniest things on the planet????? Am I supposed to find repetitive meaningless jokes funny????? Are my teachers supposed to fucking bully me????? Am I not fucking friend material or is everyone just seriously brainless?????

And then we run into the problem that most adults (ahemmyshitheadsforparentsahem) seem to think my messy room and not perfect hair and faltering grades r all results of "laziness." It's like they forget that the reason I go to therapy once a week every week is for anxiety, depression, OCD and ADHD. Gee, I wonder why.

Ugh this is the 3rd fucking time I'm trying to edit this post but even tumblr is being a little bitch. It's taking way too long to retype but to give u the gist of it, I'm so sick and tired of crying over and freaking out/having mental breakdowns abt, for time's sake, society. Just. Ugh. If anyone else is the mid-gen Z group (middle ages r 13-16 ish), a fellow female or not, idgaf, if u feel this way, plz tell me so ik that at least sOME ppl don't have hardened cement for brains. I'm fucking d o n e with this world. I'm so tried rn, I'm gonna end on this note:

If ik u I probably fucking hate u.

With a seething passion.

If there r any typos figure them out.

Sry for this somewhat emo rant. The other 2 versions where a little more emo but wtvr.

#i fucking hate life #kill me #now #fuck you #fuck tumblr #fuck the world #handle the typos #bye i hate this godforsaken world

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work