#but also i think this is a memory and object permanence problem bc what the fuck

[blue-lollipops-and-ice-clouds]

Me: It's going to take a while to get used to their new masks...

Also Me: *Literally can't visualize them in their old masks anymore.* Well, that was easy.

#sleep token #literally it's very weird like yeah iii has red hair why is that new #their silhouettes are still gorgeous and they're still heavenly hot including the goddesses of the choir #like everyone is their own person but also we already had that bc of their antics #even ii but BRAIDS honey pls we don't need more white boy locs pls darling baby boy my guy #but also i think this is a memory and object permanence problem bc what the fuck

[the-beauty-in-a-countdown]

thank u for the callout in tags. here they come:

💥🍟🍧💐🌱🌌🌙🏊(hehe)🪤🍼👑✏️🎡🎀📎✳️💧☁️☄️❤️

for twink (bc of course), cermin and alex. for no reason at all :)

it is time. get ready.

I'm gonna fabricate so many facts oh boy Nero edition so I can actually go to sleep

NERO

💥what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

more than the rest of them? vjdhfbfdvh

that would have to be sadness! he cannot handle it at all and it's a very slippery slope from being sad to despair and anger at the state of everything and he has to lay face down on the floor for two years

add to that his general circumstances and the fact that he is generally melancholic and the math will math!

🍟do they order food often? or they prefer to cook their own food?

she almost solely lives off Tace's cooking lol they've got his taste down pat and he will order out when they're at the hospital as Alex' recipes don't really agree with him

he can cook but don't give him measurement heavy recipes

🍧do they still have any objects from their childhood? what significance does it have to them? what would their reaction be if they lost it?

he still occasionally wears a tracker bracelet Tace gave to him when he was young. it glows and is full of teeth marks and he would be very upset if he lost it. would probably dream himself a copy he'll never take off when he's in the void

💐create a bouquet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

it would have asphodel, amaranthus, aloe, ivy branches and mistletoe I don't think mistletoe is her favourite but it's heavily associated with her both symbolism wise and visually

if he could take care of plants he'd probably love a magnolia

🌱what is their most vivid memory from childhood?

technically? either drowning or being shot that one time but I'm bored so let's think of something else uhhh holing up in Sinon's dorm in the middle of the night somehow covered head to toe in hair dye as he tries to fix the mess she made and at least make sure her hands don't get stained (proper adult hair dye is ingested but they don't have access to the permanent stuff in the greenhouses so it's just applied on top)

🌌what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

her name and the fact that she loves the sea! because,, νερό,, water

he does have a longer proper name but that's pretty much where it started

🌙what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

she would very much like to have a normal life. he hasn't afforded to think beyond that so far! he would like to be a fashion designer though he will do anything but betray his own nature... which is the whole problem lol

🏊can they swim? or are they afraid of water? how well do they swim? how do they feel about swimming in the ocean?

he can swim! boy loves the ocean and everyone around him is promptly terrified by his apparent nonchalance at the fact that said ocean can and will eat you

🪤what will always lure them into certain danger? a loved one in danger? a promise of something they are always searching for?

Nero is l'appel du vide personified, curiosity will have eaten this cat alive ages ago if he could die and also regularly left the house. go figure death ocean lover has no regard for danger

tell her that it has something to do with her purpose and she'll drop everything. bam that's how you make a Plot

🍼what are their thoughts on children?

loud. stinky

may be open to adopting one if they're like. a tween but way later down the line and with someone to coparent because he doesn't have the sensory capacity or patience to deal with them alone and he doesn't think he could be much of a good role model

👑what does your oc want to be remembered as? why?

contrary to popular belief he really has no aspiration for any sort of glory or legacy since those are currently fucking him over and changed his entire life's course. thanks Cartra

whether the disinterest is also because he was basically handed it just by existing and would never really have to work for it is still being hotly debated. by me. with me. in my head

...he really wishes he could Walk Back on the whole world eater fame moment though because honestly it ruins the brand

✏️is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them?

if this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much? and if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love? (syml - fear of the water)

🎡are they someone who wants to kiss at the top of the ferris wheel?

probably wouldn't be his idea but would certainly not be opposed to it! he's not particularly inspired when it comes to grand romantic gestures

🎀how would they fit into other worlds / aus? what aus would you like to try out? what fictional world would they fit / not fit into?

most of the aus he is in involve him having a happy ending. or existential crises over time travel. mostly the latter

📎a random fact

he stims and relieves pressure by chomping his hand between his thumb and pointer. got that from Cartra somehow

✳️what is their most prized possession? what do they value?

she gets emotionally attached to a lot of objects tbh if you made her choose just one she'd feel so bad and probably start crying

but off the top of my head either the aforementioned bracelet or the tiny plum sized robot Alex got her before sending her off to another continent. a lot of her accessories are gifts from friends which she wears all the time so I guess what she values is emotional significance and the intent of the giver. also the item being small and cute

💧random angst headcanon

this is harder than the soft one somehow which is surprising

he's so used to the void dreams being like. actually real (as real as they get anyway) and having some sort of control over them that once that connection is diminished and he starts having normal person dreams which are usually not fun due to. all the stress and whatnot he has a hard time dealing with them because he never really had a chance to get used to them before

☁️a soft headcanon

if Tace wouldn't kick her out after two days she would sleep over in their hospital room for as long as they had to be stuck there. she also loves when they braid or play with her hair

☄️what do people assume about them? are they right?

this one is giving me a Headache actually uhhhhhhh

on appearance alone? he'd definitely turn some heads if he wore his hair undyed. people associate white hair with achievement so I guess combined with the fact that he's young the first impression would be that he's some sort of genius or did something impressive. not true but he does have the potential for it

as for people that have interacted with him they'd probably get the acute sense that he really doesn't like attention or crowds. or people really

which is true and he's not doing much of an effort to hide it. being in a spotlight as a kid does that to you

❤️their love language(s)?

parallel play! he likes quietly chilling next to people he's comfortable with

he will also otherwise poke you or place random things on your head if he wants attention. also in the top would be gift giving but mostly of the handmade sort since he dabbles in making accessories and clothes

#ask #nero #tbac #nero tbac #tbac lore #tbac ask #oc #ocs #original character #oc lore #oc asks #oc ask meme #oc ask prompts #oc questions

[digitalcactusblog]

oh man finally gotten to bed after packing hell so IT'S TIME FOR OPAL

opal. is my most MOST dnd pc. by a massive margin. my god. i love them to bits, but they are so much in every possible direction at all times

to summarize them in one quick phrase, you can think of opal as a barbie sephiroth powerpuff girl winter soldier. none of these words belong in one phrase together, yet we've gotten it there anyway!!!!

under the cut bc i expect this to get quite long 😂

god, where do i even start with opal. imagine the platonic ideal of a manic pixie dream girl, add in a touch of airheadedness, then give the entire creation the attention span of a magpie on crack.

that's what opal is like.

opal is also the clone of the princess of the enemy country to the country the party is currently traveling through.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!

opal is a top secret government project created as a gift to the royals of that country, a tribute to wizard hubris, and a proof of concept for a devastating military weapon that will win this country the war.

because opal isn't just a clone of the princess (her name is vasya). opal is a marble statue of the princess, carved into shape, then engraved with the magical principles and equations to bring that statue to life. opal wasn't just made to be a genetic clone of vasya. opal was made to be vasya. a complete clone, down to the skills and memories of the original vasya.

imagine, if you will, an army. there are people in it. and people die. people have families they'll never return to, loved ones who'll miss them, and, quite frankly, they're pretty freaking expensive to keep as functional soldiers!

now, i must copy paste the description block for the spell True Polymorph.

"Choose one creature with at least 1 hit point or nonmagical object that you can see within range. You transform the creature into a different creature, the creature into an object, or the object into a creature (the object must be neither worn nor carried by another creature). The transformation lasts for the duration, or until the target drops to 0 hit points or dies. If you concentrate on this spell for the full duration, the transformation becomes permanent."

imagine, if you will. a quick, easy, and cheap way to mass produce True Polymorph, without the need for a high leveled wizard to cast a level 9 spell every time. all you need are a handful of pebbles, and boom, you have sentient, sapient, competent soldiers.

this is what opal was a proof of concept for.

SO, to summarize so far:

peppy, sunny attitude! that's the barbie part

devastating military superweapon person: sephiroth

entirely artificial being, yet extremely cheerful about it: powerpuff girl

devastating SECRET military superweapon. is also from a russian empire-inspired fantasy country: winter soldier

also we named opal's creator after rasputin. yeah, that rasputin. yeah, like ra ra, russia's greatest love machine? yeah, we thought it'd be funny. her name is grigori and she has a lot of problems (opal is the cause of most of them 😊)

anyways, so opal gets created, and is, for all intents and purposes, a carbon copy of vasya. but as a prototype for this weapon, there are still some kinks to work out, one of being that, to maintain the same memories and whatnot as vasya, they need to essentially get regular software updates. but otherwise, perfect vasya clone!

except grigori starts noticing little discrepancies. little anomalies. the clone isn't a perfect vasya clone. the clone is developing a nascent personality—a nascent personality that keeps getting overwritten with every download.

the clone isn't a hollow clone.

the clone is alive.

"my god," grigori says, horrified, "what have i done? i have created life; not in the mundane, mortal way. i once posited myself on par with the gods, and now i have created life, just like they do.

"...i am so fucked."

and so, with that religious and moral crisis in her pocket, grigori decides to steal the clone and scram.

it's time to be fugitives!!!!!

grigori is a genius, if, at this point, a genius with extreme anxiety. and so, grigori has several contingencies ready, on the off chance she needs to bail. the one she goes with now is a classic wizard tower, hidden from prying eyes by magic and a beautiful grotto where no one goes. think tangled, the tower in the grotto that rapunzel lived for most of her life

and during this entire fugitive road trip, without regular downloads from the og vasya herself, the clone's vasya memories start to fade, but their new mannerisms start to stick. and now we have opal, who could not be more different from vasya in demeanour if they fuckin tried

also now, after much work on grigori's part, opal has been true polymorphed (even more) to look like someone entirely different! vasya is a magenta-y purple-y tiefling with tall horns, whereas opal is now a lanky purple drow around the height of vasya's horns. they got to customize their Look heavily (perks of having a high level wizard who can cast ninth level spells regularly).

oh also, chronologically, opal is only 6 years old 😊 when they were 'born,' they were created as the then-teenaged vasya, and while the memories of being vasya has mostly faded (not everything), the rough mental age and whatnot remained the same, so technically opal is like 22? but chronologically 6, so you bet your ass i'm so ready for the day i get to drop that bombshell 😂

OH YEAH and most recently, much to grigori's distress, opal has broken out of the secret wizard tower to go explore the world. it'll be fine grigori i'll be so careful!!!!!!!!!!

(they were not, in fact, careful)

mechanics-wise, opal is an echo knight, and while i'm not yet privy to all the deets (there are discoveries to discover and i can't wait :3) their echoes are like, something something potential versions of opal? mechanically, this just means that every time i summon an echo, i roll on a random table to see what form the echo takes, with some dnd species having higher probabilities to show up. and yes, if i roll tiefling, i then roll a d4 to see if vasya herself shows up. EXTREMELY NERVEWRACKING AND WONDERFUL!!!

also the first time i described how opal looked to the entire party, and that they were wearing a long, black coat with silver buckles all up the front, everyone was like "..............hey olive? is this sephiroth?"

and that was the first time i realized that opal dresses like pirate sephiroth. they even have a scarlet macaw familiar. shoulda named it genesis, methinks. (her name is actually ariadnoula)

GOD WHAT ELSE THERE'S ALREADY SO MUCH

opal is so freaking much i love them. last session they gave the other pc (vae) a minor religious crisis by asking too many questions about the logistics behind death rites. they tried to ambush-slam a flower crown on vae's head and ate shit when he dodged. they impulse-held a woman's hands as she went nuclear and died because they didn't want her to die alone and afraid. one of their life dreams is to swing on a chandelier.

oh also opal may have just started ww2. maybe.

#minty don't look #opal alesya #ocposting #WW2 CONTEXT: we found classified government documents last last session that described the current country we're in breaking treaty #with the country opal's from #SECRETLY breaking treaty because the treaty is essentially about a ceasefire btwn the two countries #but now this country is doing military stuff in places there's not supposed to be military stuff #and as soon as my dm described all of this it was like kill bill sirens started playing in opal's head #and i went to my dm and went. hey. so. i'm sending those documents to my country. #i'm sending them straight to the top. #i'm sending them to vasya. #SO WE'LL SEE HOW THAT GOES!!!!!!!!!! #i also sent her a postcard. opal is and always will be a Little Bit Weird 😂

[queenofallimagines]

Can you do Hinata, Kageyama, Suga and Daichi with an adhd s/o? Like they stim and sensory overload the whole 9 yards? I get this a lot and it’s ok if you can’t do it!

I most definitely can do this!! This is late Soley because I was listening to an ADHD podcast(I have adhd and doctors don’t be helping shit) and I was learning more things and I wanted to add them in as well

Hinata:

- I hc that he def has Adhd too

- Like c’mon he’s stims when he gets excited

- School is difficult for him BC he can’t understand or hyper focus at will

- Volleyball is his special interest!

- Anyway

- He’s more helpful than you would think

- If you’re stress stimming he will try and distract you

- You guys get excited together

- “Woosh!”

- Picks up fairly quickly when you get sensory overload

- Will take you somewhere quiet and Give you his jacket so he won’t have to touch you to overwhelm you anymore than you are

- “Can I hold your hand?”

- He’s very quiet and will tell you stories to calm you down

- Has no problem repeating stuff if you didn’t catch it the first time

- Won’t let anyone make fun of you

- Like at all

- Even if tsukishima got something slick to say he cuts that off immediately

- Will listen to you talk about your special Interests

- Asks questions BC he thinks it’s cute when you get excited

- In turn he will teach you about volleyball

- If you’re not already the manager he will invite you to watch practice a lot

- You become friends with Kageyama by proxy

- He would also die for you if you get him milk

Kageyama:

- speaking of kags

- Him and hinata give me autism and adhd solidarity

- He is the best with dealing with your rejection sensitivity dysphoria

- Bad with words so when he reassures you you know it’s from the heart

- “I’m not mad at you I promise, I’ll try and use a different tone next time.”

- If you can’t pick up on social cues that’s okay bc he can’t either

- Will ask hinata for help

- Won’t make fun of you if you don’t get something right away he will just you how you would like him he help

- He is super texture specific so he understands if you are too

- Will make sure you don’t have food on your plate if you hate it

- “Excuse me? They said no pickles😒.”

- Sensory overload? He will drop everything to fix the problem

- More aggressive then needed but it’s the thought that counts

- “Dumbass out these noise canceling headphones on.”

- “Let me dim the lights for you.”

- Has sun glasses at all times in case he can’t change the lighting

- He’s such a good support

- Favorite texture? Holding you close Under at least 5 blankets

Suga:

- knows what to do from the start bc hinata

- If you are more guest active he will help you focus and tire out when needed

- Let’s you infodump and will watch with a smile

- “What else? This is interesting.”

- A1 best boy

- Has stim toys in his bad at all times

- “I got an extra tangle in my bag”

- “Do you want a squish?”

- Making slime with him🥺

- Like just imagine how fun that would be

- If you are more combination or not hyperactive at all he got you too

- Is always Patient and kind

- Will never yell at you even when you get frustrated and irritable

- “Hey,hey, take a deep breath and calm down for a moment. Whatever is wrong we can fix this.”

- Will help you manage your time and object permanence

- If you don’t know object permanence is the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, heard, or otherwise sensed.

- Some people with adhd will forget something exists if they can’t see it

- You put your socks in the wrong drawer? Those socks are lost forever

- He will make sure you have things where you can see them

- Bad memory?

- He always has a list and is willing to remind you as many times as possible

- Can speak as loud or as quiet as you need

- He’s v v soft and will do anything you ask

- When you come to his games he low key worried that you might get overwhelmed

- Will ask if you can sit in the court with the coach LMAO

Daichi:

- captain dad to the rescue!!

- He has an emergency bad full of stuff you might need

- Stim toys and sketchbooks

- Extra headphones

- Earplugs

- Blanket(weighted and fluffy)

- Great at time management as the captain so he will have a schedule planned out for you

- Helps you keep routine

- Sometimes it might feel like a manager more than a boyfriend and is just telling you how to live your life but he doesn’t mean to

- He just gets to focused on helping he doesn’t let anyone else have a say

- Just tell him to back off a little and he will immediately

- He does not want to make you feel uncomfortable

- Helps you relax when you need to

- Also helps you start projects

- It can be a challenge to start tasks bc you have no motivation, don’t know how it where to start, or can’t get your thoughts together

- He will help ground you so you can start

- Has a great motivational playlist lol

- Overstim? He’s panicking kinda

- Will keep his cool and get you to a safe place and calm you down

- 9/10 try his best but he’s panicking while your panicking lmao

#adhd tag #hinata x reader #hinata shoyo imagine #hinata shoyo x reader #hinata shoyo #hinata shoyou #haikyuu hinata #haikyuu imagines #x ahdh reader #haikyuu x black reader #haikyuu x poc reader #kagayama x reader #kagayama tobio #kagayama tobio x reader #suga x reader #sugawara koshi x reader #sugawara kōshi #daichi sawamura x reader #daichi sawamura #daichi imagine #my writing

[arsenicxarcana]

feral grandpa things

partially so i don’t forget how my own goats work asfjg

lucio post-julian’s upright/WANF

aggressive, fight over flight

has basically regressed to pre-Count days when Everything Could Be A Threat, kill or be killed

(WANF) even after he’s been socialized again

(WANF) ironically harder to socialize and yet he has a wholeass fambly

more likely to return to the Devil/try to free him bc he has nowhere else to go and that was the last being that helped him

having his chains broken without consent felt like he was dying again

blames MC for his situation

would plan revenge if planning ahead ever occurred to him

has just enough ego left that he’s adamant he does not deserve this

he just wanted to dance at his goddamn party for the 1st time in 3 years

(WANF) is now kind of sure he deserves this and hates it

(WANF) the arcana are actively hunting him

(WANF) due to various unfortunate run-ins with said arcana, has associated touch = pain and remains somewhat touch averse

(and yet also touch starved at the same time)

“i feel betrayed and lonely and i will make it everyone’s problem”

lucio post-nadia’s upright/THD

will fight out of self-preservation but prefers running/hiding

hide n’ seek champ of eternity

internalized the “apologize to nadia” paid scene (or what he took from it which was you’re shit, you’re worthless and no one ever liked you)

not broken so much as shattered :C

blames MC but also believes he owes them his life and will do literally anything they ask of him if it means lowering that debt

l i t e r a l l y  a n y t h i n g

(THD) even if MC says he doesn’t owe them

not only no longer has the ego to shield himself but has mostly eschewed any dignity he might have had (see also: literally anything)

(THD) desperate enough to take the bait of an obvious trap

somewhat terrified of meeting with anyone from the other realm, especially nadia, who will absolutely kill him

(THD) has met with asra and doesn’t like it :C

would let morga kill him if she found him tbh

scared AF of the devil bc he technically betrayed him; doesn’t trust the other arcana (which would help him if he asked)

“do not perceive me qq”

both

want to go home, whether or not that home wants them or even exists as they remember it

feral AF to prevent themselves from actually thinking about the situation (an animal doesn’t know it’s unwanted or worthless, an animal doesn’t consider killing itself to spare itself from this)

only manages to get enough food for base level survival

eat now, live now

emotional regulation is shot, worse than before they were imprisoned

terrifyingly agile and strong for their advancing age

touch starved as fuck, worsened by 3 years isolated beforehand, will become your personal whore if you so much as hold their hands

object permanence is a little squirrelly

may hear voices and See Things sometimes

slowly losing their memories the longer they’re in the realms (worsened by the aforementioned Fuckery)

cannot tell time for shit (and they weren’t very good at it to start with)

not quite sure how they can drift almost effortlessly between realms and too busy surviving to question it

i feel like julian’s needs more Stuff but i also put most of my braincells into WANF so idk, may revise later

let me know if u have any feral grandpa questions and/or concerns not covered here

#the arcana #lucio #post banishment lucio #we are not friends #taming him down #headcanon #reference #tw suicidal thoughts #i'm also writing this tired so uh #your mileage may vary

[carry-a-world]

a canon-divergent cql-verse au where wwx realizes his feelings for lwj after asking shijie about why someone would like (read: love) another person so much and tries to court him (bc he believes that lwj deserves to be courted with all the refined graces in the world!!!) but like. all his previous suaveness has gone missing and he makes a fool of himself but lwj doesnt mind :') also in this verse the wens arent persecuted so wwx doesnt have to brand himself as a traitor to the world

okay this got A Little out of hand so uh, here’s an ao3 link too ijaslkfdjasdf

Like Crunchy Peanut Butter

Wei WuXian moodily kicks a lotus pod the length of the pier.

Jiang Cheng wanted him in meetings this afternoon, but he needed time to sort himself out after last night. Jiang YanLi’s words about a crush have stuck with him—an earworm that he can’t seem to shake.

He doesn’t do crushes. Fleeting fancies, maybe, if they only last as long as it takes to exchange a few sugar-coated words.

Permanence is scary, and Wei WuXian has a long and complicated history with it.

But he does, as Jiang YanLi suggested, have someone he likes. It’s not something he’s allowed himself to think too hard on, because the object of his affections is… well…

There aren’t good words to describe Lan WangJi, really. Not in the way Wei WuXian sees him.

The world calls him ‘Han-Guang-Jun’ and ‘cold,’ ‘beautiful’ and ‘unattainable.’ He might be all those things, but that isn’t how Wei WuXian would choose to describe him. 

Lan WangJi is infuriating and stuffy in Wei WuXian’s first memories of him. Brave and steadfast somewhere in the middle.

And now. Now he’s just good.

He is a steady hand reaching out, when Wei WuXian’s very center is crumbling. He is the haunting thrum of guqin strings—soothing a restless soul.

Wei WuXian likes him so much that he doesn’t quite know what to do with it.

He’d ignore the feelings, if it wouldn’t disappoint Jiang YanLi. She’s always wanted him to be happy, and in the light of everything that’s happened, he can’t bear to make her feel sad.

To the ends of the earth—that’s how far he’d go to make his siblings happy.

That leaves option two: a crazy plan truly worthy of him. He could court Lan WangJi, properly, the way he deserves.

Wei WuXian is the fourth most eligible bachelor, after all. It’s not that much of a reach, is it?

Even without a golden core, he’s proven himself a force to be reckoned with.

Well. If he’s gonna do it, he’ll do it the right way.

*

There’s only one place to begin, and he really wishes there weren’t.

Lan QiRen hates him, and Wei WuXian thinks he’s a stuffy old bag with a horrible mustache. Nothing about this is destined to go well. Lan QiRen would probably rather die than have him as a son-in-law.

Wei WuXian bows formally to both Lan QiRen and Lan XiChen, torn between quaking in his boots and absolute mirth.

“Young Master Wei, what can we do for you?” Lan XiChen is ever the picture of politeness, a pleasant smile on his face.

Lan QiRen glares as if he could scorch Wei WuXian off the earth with just his eyes.

“Master Lan, Zewu-Jun. I’ve come to request permission to court Lan WangJi.”

“He won’t have you,” Lan QiRen sniffs. “My nephew has taste.”

Lan XiChen’s smile twitches—practically gut busting laughter for a Lan. “You have mine. WangJi rather likes you.”

“You don’t have mine. Lan WangJi won’t be tainted by your… demonic methods.”

Wei WuXian very nearly sticks his tongue out. Instead, his mouth cuts a knife-like smile. “We’ll see about that.”

*

“Why do you need to go to Cloud Recesses now? Weren’t you just there?” Jiang Cheng grumbles. “It’d be faster if you flew, you know.”

“Ah, but Jiang Cheng, then how would I know how our people are recovering, if I don’t walk among them?” Wei WuXian asks, cheerfully twirling Chenqing.

“If this is literally only because you want to bother Lan WangJi, I’ll kick your ass.”

“A-Cheng,” Jiang YanLi scolds, coming up behind him. “A-Xian is going to properly court the Second Master Lan.”

“SHIJIE,” Wei WuXian shrieks, as Jiang Cheng yells, “HE’S WHAT?”

When he told his sister of his intentions, he really hadn’t meant it to reach Jiang Cheng’s ears.

His brother is gripping his robes, ready to shake him, when Jiang YanLi quells them with a look. “Let him follow his heart, A-Cheng,” she says, a smile breaking across her lips.

It shuts both of them up, allowing Wei WuXian a quick escape.

He takes his time traveling to Cloud Recesses, stopping to check in with the people of Lotus Pier as he goes. In the evenings, by the light of a campfire he whittles.

The disciple keeping the gate at Cloud Recesses looks displeased to see him, but lets him in anyway, probably on Lan XiChen’s orders.

“Lan Zhannnnnn,” he sing-songs along the path, his stomach suddenly churning with nerves.

It’s not the name as much as the volume that he knows will summon Lan WangJi. There is no yelling allowed in Cloud Recesses.

“Wei Ying?”

Wei WuXian spins. “Ah, Lan Zhan! There you are!”

Lan WangJi inclines his head.

Clearly, he wants to know what the hell Wei WuXian is doing here, raising a ruckus.

“I’m here to—” he starts, and for the first time in his life, words fail him. He stumbles over his own tongue. “Sect business! For Jiang Cheng! Yep.”

That is the opposite of what he’s trying to do, what the hell?

“Sect business,” Lan WangJi repeats. His tone doesn’t change, but Wei WuXian can sense his doubt.

“Yes! But I wanted to see you first, Lan Zhan, cause uhhhhhh… to give you this!”

He digs through the pocket in his sleeve and produces the rabbit he’d carved on the way over. His hands are clammy as he holds it out to Lan WangJi, and he nearly drops it.

“You like rabbits, right?”

Lan WangJi takes the little rabbit with gentle fingers, brushing against Wei WuXian’s palm and causing him to jolt.

“Mn,” Lan WangJi gives him a searching look that nearly stops Wei WuXian’s heart. “Thank you, Wei Ying.”

“Ahahaha no problem, Lan Zhan,” he laughs to hide his nerves. “Gotta go now, bye!”

He sprints off like his life depends on it, a befuddled Lan WangJi staring after him.

Wei WuXian needs a better plan, stat.

*

“WangJi, something has arrived for you from Lotus Pier,” Lan XiChen says, not bothering to hide his mirth.

Lan WangJi gives him a flat look.

Lan XiChen slides it across the table to him. “Open it, I think it’s from Young Master Wei.”

The package is sloppily wrapped, but Lan WangJi unwraps it with care. There’s a note on top, which he reads first.

It is, in fact from Wei WuXian.

Inside is a creation of Wei WuXian’s own making, a box that supposedly makes its own music. Thinking of the carved wooden rabbit, Lan WangJi suppresses a smile and gives the handle on the side of the box a careful turn.

Immediately, it blows up.

Lan XiChen throws a pitcher of water on the front of his robes, outright laughing. “That was very thoughtful of him. Too bad.”

“Mn.”

Lan WangJi keeps the burnt mess anyway.

*

Night hunting should be a good choice. After the music box debacle, he’s got to make it up to Lan WangJi.

Wei WuXian doesn’t even have to really do anything—Lan WangJi will protect him even if he chats his ear off and doesn’t do a single thing.

“Shijie is going to marry that peacock, Lan Zhan,” he laments, swinging Chengqing around as if he actually has an intention to use it. “He’s not good enough for her.”

Lan WangJi doesn’t comment on that, but he’s definitely listening.

Wei WuXian’s new plan is to… well… he doesn’t have a new plan but he wants to spend time with Lan WangJi so here they are.

“Lan Zhan, do you think—” his foot catches and he goes tumbling right into the stream they’d been walking along.

Lan WangJi hauls him out immediately. “Wei Ying.”

“I’m okay,” Wei WuXian pouts. He really can’t win with this, can he?

“We should go back.”

“It’s finneeee Lan Zhan, I’m just a little wet,” Wei WuXian promises around chattering teeth.

It’s truly ridiculous that he gets cold so easily now, without his golden core. He’ll have to ask Wen Qing for something to combat it next time he sees her.

Fingers close around his wrist and start tugging him along.

“Aiya, Lan Zhan! I said I was fine!”

Having to leave a night hunt early because he might catch a cold? How embarrassing. Jiang Cheng will never let him live this down.

Lan WangJi giving him dry robes and playing the guqin just for him, however, isn’t so bad.

*

The failed attempts at courting go on for months, until Wei WuXian scales the walls of Cloud Recesses one too many times.

“Wei Ying. What are you doing.”

Of course Lan WangJi is right there. His psychic ability to detect Wei WuXian’s nonsense has only become more honed.

“Oh uh. Hi Lan Zhan. I’m visiting, obviously!” Wei WuXian laughs, despite the nerves coiling in his gut.

Lan WangJi hasn’t banished him yet, but he always feels like he’s walking a fine line.

He gets a blank look. “Wei Ying.”

“Whaatttttt, Lan Zhan? I answered your question.”

Lan WangJi sighs. It’s a testament to how much time Wei WuXian has spent with him that he can even pick out this nearly imperceptible gesture.

“What are you doing?” The emphasis makes Wei WuXian’s heart freeze in his chest.

So Lan WangJi has noticed Wei WuXian’s attempts at flirting with him. Is he about to get scolded? Or rejected? Wei WuXian doesn’t think his heart could take that.

“Ah. Hmm. So you see…” he waffles, unable to look Lan WangJi in the face.

His cheeks feel hot—his usually thick face abandoning him in his time of need. He’s Wei WuXian, known for being shameless. He can’t be blushing like this!

A palm, solid and warm, cups his cheek and lifts his head gently.

“Lan Zhannnn,” he whines pathetically as he finds himself staring into depthless golden eyes.

There’s a hesitance there that’s unfamiliar. Lan WangJi is self-assured—rarely faltering no matter what he’s faced with. This is strange.

“What are… Wei Ying’s feelings?”

Wei WuXian’s mind goes blank. He’s definitely gaping at Lan WangJi, which is not a good look on him but he just can’t help it.

“Lan Zhan, I’ve been courting you this entire time, haven’t you noticed?” he blurts.

“Mn. Have noticed,” Lan WangJi answers.

“Oh.”

“Would like to court Wei Ying in return.”

Wei WuXian stares. “Even though I did a horrible job and things literally blew up in your face?”

“Mn.”

“Even though I’m annoying?”

“Wei Ying is not annoying.”

Wei WuXian feels as if his heart might burst. Lan WangJi’s steady hand on his cheek gives him the courage to ask one last question.

“Even… even if I no longer have my golden core?” he whispers.

Lan WangJi’s eyes widen in shock, but the answer comes without hesitation. “Even without.”

“Ahhh Lan Zhan, then you won’t ever be rid of me,” Wei WuXian laughs shakily.

Lan WangJi’s chest is so inviting, and he has no shame in leaning on him when his own legs are turning traitor.

“Want Wei Ying.”

“Oh good,” Wei WuXian sighs. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

Lan WangJi’s answer is the warm press of lips against his, and the beginning of the rest of his life.

#mdzs #the untamed #wangxian #long post #Kris hush #Kris answers #my writing #GOD I'M SORRY THIS GOT AWAY FROM ME #he's a hot mess I just couldn't help myself

[doberbutts]

My parents have a BYB Golden; he’s four, they’ve had him his whole life, and he’s never shown any kind of aggression. The other day he took a sponge and my 16yold sibling tried to take it. He tore up her hand, like shredded the skin. There’s no permanent damage but it looks like it should be. I’ve pried his jaws open and took socks out from down his throat. We have no idea why the sudden change. I think it has to do with genetics. He had to be quarantined for rabies. My sibling is distraught.

[golden] I mainly say all that bc of your dog, Sköll. My dad and I are adamant that he be put down, since there wasn’t a real trigger and he’s know my sibling since he was two weeks old. They’re 16 and taller than me and I’m 22, so I feel like he could maul anyone, and he’s too dangerous now. I’ve fostered aggressive dogs but he feels more dangerous bc every other dog has had reasons to be, and been overtly so. This was so weird and random.

I’m not about to tell you to euthanize a dog unseen over a single incident that happened recently and had a clear trigger, and I’m kind of bothered by the fact that you’re comparing that incident to Skoll’s many, many problems. If you have read his posts, then you should know that it was far more than just the one bite that influenced my decision, and if you’ve been following my blog for long enough to have seen the Skoll posts, then you should also know that I do not think a biting dog is automatically supposed to be PTS. I was also bitten in the hand by the family dog over an object I was trying to take, and needed to be hospitalized because of blood poisoning directly from the bite shortly afterwards, and in complete honesty not once did I think that dog should be put down. In fact, I was the one who begged my parents to keep her alive,  because I understood that it was my actions that caused the bite in the first place.

Understand that I’m not saying you have to keep him. If you don’t want a dog that bites, then by all means figure out a different solution than keeping him and acting like everything is normal. Has he been checked by a vet since the bite occurred? Has he been to a behaviorist or a trainer that specializes in aggression? A truly sudden personality change is generally going to be the result of a health problem- solve the health problem and you get your happy dog back. Otherwise, there’s a strong possibility that he’s shown signs of resource guarding for a while now, and with the practiced behavior you’ve shown him of taking his precious objects by force, he’s stepped up his guarding to actually biting to show you he’s serious about keeping what he considers his.

There’s a lot to unpack with this ask and I’m sorry your family is dealing with such hardship, but I do think it’s in poor taste to invoke someone’s memories of their dead aggressive dog to justify to that person why you’re thinking of making the decision to put your own dog down over one single incident.

#Anonymous #asks

[sasukeuchiha-eternalmangekyou]

//So I re-read Naruto and Sasuke’s entire final fight to answer this question bc I hardly recalled all the details :D And oh how I got slammed with feels ;A; But nonetheless, I can now answer it~ The manga is the actual depiction of canon material Masashi wrote since the anime added in scenes and extended the fight. Which is why I’m delving into my take on this from the manga.

Sasuke does know how painful being alone can be, it’s what drove him to seek revenge, and leave the village. It’s not that he particularity wanted to live that way, but in order for him to enact his form of what a Hokage meant via his revolution, he thought he needed that last tie of friendship with Naruto to be cut permanently. Killing Naruto would not only complete that objective, but it’d also allow him to get rid of the last remaining jinchuriki that could oppose him. He wanted to destroy all the tailed beasts as well as the 5 Kage because they were of the past, caused former conflicts, and thinking if he erased them from existence, he could shoulder the newly formed hatred on his own.

And as many would counter, that if Naruto was dead then the Infinite Tsukuyomi couldn’t be broken. However, Sasuke can extract the Ten Tails chakra from Naruto even if he was killed due to the Rinnegan and use it himself to break the genjutsu. So it’s possible to be released without Naruto alive.

Sasuke’s logic is knowing hatred will continue to exist despite the current unification of the shinobi villages, but as he stated, eventually that’d come to an end as all peace did over matters of either grave importance or triviality.

In becoming the only one capable of taking on hatred, he’d be able to dis-spell it as well as decide who would take the blame and face the consequences. And as Naruto stated he couldn’t do this forever because he’d die one day himself. Sasuke’s simple response was immortality due to his new powers, he’d find a way to continue living forever to take on this task. He wants to dictate solutions by making himself the true evil hatred can be focused upon. But in order to succeed in this plan, he knew leaving connections to those such as Naruto left on their own, they’d try to stop him down the line as they have continuously done ever since he left the village.

Sasuke’s sense of self would be like that of how his brother had lived his life. In the shadows, orchestrating a form of peace that can actually be achieved. Because all people like Obito, Madara, and Kaguya would no longer be an issue if he managed to take the brunt of further resentment/anger people had, he’d be able to set forth a reality where people could be happy and unified.

It’s not ideal nor is it completely plausible, however, his moral is in the right place. This is the effect of Sasuke’s mindset after growing up alone and combating the isolation he faced, and heartache of truth revealed to him before Itachi died.

Itachi’s death and final words had an immense impact on Sasuke’s plan. He found solutions and answers to his former questions regarding what a village is, a shinobi, etc. But he felt hollow after losing his brother all over again. And in the process of joining Team 7 to defeat Madara and Kaguya, he devised the proper way to make those definitions have impact and meaning if he could rid the world of all those archaic methods used in the past that only managed to intoxicate people into perusing hatred and starting wars.

And yes, I found the panel you were referring to below. But I think that was the problem. Sasuke could see himself living in that loneliness because he has done it and survived. His mentality hasn’t always been about his tragic backstory as he admitted no matter how far he fell into darkness, he couldn’t fully erase the memories of the past, his family, Team Seven, or Team Taka. But due to his experiences Sasuke understood that he could manage it and save others from the same fate. 

Unfortunately it meant killing Naruto. No matter what transpired, he’d always be his closest friend because they had a comprehension of an identical pain, being able to feel each other’s since the beginning. They wanted friendship but couldn’t approach one another. Naruto because he was jealous of Sasuke’s skill. And Sasuke because he saw accepting friendship as a weakness that’d get in the way of his revenge.

Overall, Sasuke knew the price of his choices as he’s always known when making former decisions. He accepted the outcome and variables as something he could completely handle regardless of how hollow he’d be left in the aftermath. In the end, it wasn’t about him anymore. He wanted to do what Itachi couldn’t accomplish before he died, but in his way, acknowledging that he and his brother had different mindsets. Killing Naruto has been a reoccurring goal for Sasuke but for many different reasons throughout the series.

He wanted to see a better world, but as we all know, that tragic backstory tainted his foresight. Believing destruction and death would cleanse the future and allow peace to ensue in the ashes would only result in an imbalance. He didn’t take into account that it takes trusting one’s self to add to the unified process of making the world a better place. It wouldn’t change with one person controlling the populace because he couldn’t manipulate how others would react. He could use force, become the dictator of dealing with hatred, but he’d never be able to remove the impact the past had created because that’s how people grow.

#Sasuke Uchiha #Sasuke #Naruto Uzumaki #Naruto #lovely anon #omg explaining Sasuke can be so exhausting haha XD #I mean look how long that got #to answer one thing you sometimes need to delve into multiple topics #but thank you so much for sending this <3 #I really enjoy analyzing characters! #and I just have to reinforce that this is opinion based #I could be totally wrong but this is how I broke it down #also sorry for taking forever to answer this ask #I just knew it'd take a lot of time so I put it off until I could sit here and write it in full #anyway yes Sasuke <3 #good plan sorta but yeah not the right way to handle it #I also don't really consider the video games bc they can change scenes and whatnot

[wildlyzealousstudentposts]

Ok so I know that Joey is supposed to have the most stable/normal relationship with his family out of all the FRIENDS bc there’s

Rachel - parents are divorced, has 2 sisters she doesn’t speak to, avoids both parents like the plague but still has good memories of them

Ross - parents pressure him to be the most successful, had 2 failed marriages bc of this, spent most of his life in competition with his sister

Monica - parents fat-shamed her, never consider her successful, joke about how she’s never going to get married, ignore her feelings

Chandler - parents divorced, father left mother for a string of relationships with young gay men (leaving Chandler permanently scarred and more than a little homophobic), mother writes sex books (leaving Chandler afraid of intimacy), he doesn’t talk to either parent of his own accord

Phoebe - adopted mom lied about being her mother for years, killed herself, real mom only told her the truth bc she was confronted, father left her and her brother, doesn’t speak to her identical twin sister, carried her brother’s babies bc she wanted to have a family

But like, when you think about it, Joey’s family isn’t exactly great either. I mean he’s the only boy, he was expected to follow his father’s career (but didn’t), his father has been cheating on his mother for 6 years and she knew the whole time, his mother said his father was “always angry” before he met his mistress, he and his sisters react violently to things (there was an episode where Ross spoke harshly to Joey and Joey didn’t even react just shoved him), Joey is willing to follow instructions from anyone and has trouble thinking for himself. Like maybe I’m projecting but all this leads me to believe that:

Joey’s father and mother were physically abusive with their kids

Joey’s mother was extremely controlling, not letting Joey make decisions for himself or be independent

Joey’s mother also babied him since he was the only boy (explains some of his child-like behavior, enthusiasm about games, etc.)

Joey’s father was probably homophobic and expected him to “be a man” since he was the only boy and was expected to carry on the family name (explains his womanizing behavior)

Although Joey talks about his sisters a lot they aren’t close at all (probably all dealing with their own individual trauma)

What makes this worse for me is that Joey doesn’t even seem to realize this is a problem. Like his mom smacks him upside the head while wearing a huge ring and all he says is “big ring!” And they don’t talk about it anymore. Like that’s some internalized abuse if I say so myself.

And when he’s covering for Monica and Chandler’s relationship and he keeps saying “I’m Joey, I’m disgusting” every time they blame something on him you can tell that he really believes that. Like Joey really hates himself and doesn’t know how to either change or accept himself. And I really feel for him bc that’s where I was a few years ago and that’s where my brother is now and it’s fucking rough to go through that especially when your friends think your childhood was good or your relationship with your parents is good. And while his relationship with his parents is objectively better than the rest of the FRIENDS it’s still not good. Like yeah he willingly talks to his parents and siblings, he does his laundry at his grandmas house sometimes, but he’s still struggling with coming to terms with what his childhood was like.

#friends #joey tribbiani

[plotbunnie]

Mm so there’s a lot of stuff under the cut I just feel like I can’t express directly? Please don’t feel obligated to read the mess going on in my head, I just need to put it somewhere. 

So this is just a big,,, massive dump of things I sometimes wish I could tell people but either it is socially unacceptable to discuss or I simply feel too guilty to do so, or feel as if I will not be understood. It’s really a big mess, so this is kind of a second ‘hey, turn back now!’ warning if that’s the sort of thing you’re not about.  This is a queued post, also, because it makes me feel a little less like I’m begging for attention that way, and knowing that will probably reduce the appearance of urgency it gives by being all big and emotional.

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been venting, more. Which is natural, I’m in school, I’m stressed, yadda yadda. But like- the things I vent about are never what really upsets me? they’re usually related but not- the thing and I’ve been examining myself to try and figure out why, and it boils down to the fact that what I end up venting about is genuinely insignificant, or at least mostly so, especially compared to whatever’s actually bothering me. 

I’m also always trying to- dismiss and explain away everything that upsets me. “Oh, it’s just hormones”, “Oh, it’s just school stress making me crazy, you know”, “I’m just being oversensitive rn, it’ll pass”. 

But like whoops, no, it’s not passing cause the actual root issues are a lot deeper than “I feel bad bc my teacher laughed in my face when I asked a question he didn’t like”.

And here’s the thing- I can tell myself how irrational the feelings I keep getting are all I want and it will not make them go away? In fact it’s just been forcing me to internalize them and feel shitty for feeling them at all. 

So I guess here’s the part where I actually say what I’ve really been feeling, so I can look at it, and stare at it, and figure out what the hell I can actually do about it. Cause in some cases the solution seems so easy- and then it’s fucking not, and I just feel worse for failing at it.

I feel insignificant, invisible, probably some other word that starts with an ‘in’. Like I no longer exist the moment I’m outside of someone’s immediate vicinity, and only re-enter their memory bank once I’m in front of them or on their screen again. Like my whole existence is just floating in the void and sometimes a comet passes by or whatever and acknowledges me, and I’m just screaming for that acknowledgement and have no way of making it permanent. A lot of this is probably because of the fact that, thanks to my roommates & their situation, all but maybe four or five of the 20 people I met and started interacting with semi-regularly last semester no longer even acknowledge I exist- literally their expressions glaze over and they move past me, even when I’ve directly addressed them ( though I stopped doing that right quick, of course ). I’ve never, in my whole life of being picked on and pushed away from people, felt so small or alone as I do now. And I don’t know how to change that. I keep telling myself there is a way to change that, and I will find it, and all sorts of other shit a therapist would probably say, but ultimately, even if I am not this invisible being, I don’t know how to make myself stop feeling like one. I mean it’d be nice if I could ask people to remind me of that, but wow I guess that leads to the second problem?

I hate asking for things. heck, I hate receiving things without asking for them. A friend told me they were giving me something they’d gotten with digital currency they’ve amassed to a point it is no object and I still almost had a panic attack and immediately had to work out how I could even the score and pay them back. This friend reasoned that they were paying me back, but on a numbers level their gift still sort of dwarfed what I did? And so it still incited genuine fear until I could find a way to repay it back. And it’s not that I don’t want to be given things? Because then if the exchange of things ( be they compliments, edits, art scribbles, inconsequential digital currency gifts, anything because yeah, literally all of those result in the same anxiety- though some I’m better at combating the resulting anxiety than others ), then I start getting that unfortunate human response that makes me sad because I’m not getting things, when it is a commonly accepted concept that when you like someone you give them stuff ( again, not necessarily monetary or physical- applying to compliments and emotional support and all that junk as well ), and to NOT receive those things at all just feeds back into my first problem?? And it’s this awful vicious cycle. And worse than being given things out of the blue ( because the resulting warm fuzzies do generally balance out the panic and make it well worth it ) is asking for something- whether it is something I want, something I need- even suggesting something totally inconsequential that can be given to me to help someone else combat their anxiety over being given something.  But kind of especially asking for things I need? Asking for help, asking for emotional support, asking for an ear to speak to- it’s why I’m typing up this long-ass post I all but begged people NOT to read despite kind of?? really wanting someone to understand what I am experiencing ( because is it real if people don’t acknowledge it or know about it or understand it? ), rather than just- talking to someone. I don’t want to burden anyone with my neediness? I don’t feel I have the right, I don’t feel that I’m a Level 7 Friend who can request emotional support, and I feel like I leveled wrong on my lower levels so I can literally never reach Level 7. Nevermind that people just plain don’t want to hear about this sort of thing because it makes people uncomfortable and that is a fact not many people are willing to acknowledge? Like in my experience ( and I am CERTAIN this is not always true, but for me it has been, or feels like it has been ) no matter how close with someone you are, chances are they don’t want to hear about your deep shit. No matter how much they say ‘never feel bad for asking for help or wanting to talk’ they are also probably internally praying you ask someone else.  And that is fine? Like they gotta do they own thing and I will never begrudge them that ever ever ever because Wow Dude I Get It Big Time, but it really is a struggle when there is no one who IS willing to listen?

And sure, I could see a therapist, I did for a bit last semester and I keep telling myself to find a new one this semester since the previous one left, but honestly that one just allowed me to feel like I was trying because that’s what you do when you’ve got emotional turbulence, you see a therapist- and that’s... literally the only benefit seeing one brought me. Because they seem to be more focused on “well here is a list of ways you have already tried to potentially combat this small par of your problems without actually addressing the source”, along with “do you REALLY have this thing you were told you have because you don’t have any of these stereotypical and often inaccurate symptoms listed in this short passage of a book that is my only frame of reference for it”. ( yeah, that last one is really specific but like- I was trying to talk??? about how betrayed I felt that my freaking mother was told by professionals I’m autistic NOT ONLY when I was a child, but again when I was a teenager seeing a therapist, and then told my EX BOYFRIEND before she finally told me- casually and in passing. And instead of focusing on the emotional issue I wanted to address, she focused on whether or not it was an ‘accurate diagnosis’ ). 

Like I have all these problems and they affect me and how I function, but I didn’t learn what they were or how to address them or in some cases even that I had them until very recently, and I just want to acknowledge them, but if I try I’m just asking for attention or making excuses and I just don’t know what I can do about that but man that is almost a footnote in all this ugh.

And I’m sure this factors in somewhere but heck if I know where but like touch is something humans tend to need and wow I’m very touch-starved to the point I am now touch-repulsed and while the part of me that needs support is downright begging for someone to fucking hug me for like 3 hours is constantly battling the instinct to never let anyone near me ever because what if I’m too clinging what if it hurts what if it turns out it doesn’t help shit what if they take advantage of me what if they get weirded out what if what if what if

And then the final thing- and god I know this is choppy by now and I’m honestly scared of anyone who bothered to read this far cause heck, guess you know how to destroy me now, and also why- is that I am starting to wonder if there is a point to anything I do? Like obviously there is but-- I am a creature that thrives on acknowledgement more than most it feels like and I think that I am suffering a lack of just that has been made a little clear by now so I’m at that point where like- I just want someone to look at my work, really look at it and examine it and explore it and give me deep feedback and talk with me about it but nobody wants to fucking do that, as exemplified in almost all the above points and like if it’s not worth looking at in depth is it really worth looking at, at all?

Am I really worth looking at, at all?

#ooc #sky speaks #vent #negative #negative tw #depression tw #invasive thoughts tw #? #not actually sure that one belongs there but I think some of these classify as invasive thoughts #like i'm fine I'm not going to harm myself we good there I'm just- a lil lost and this is me tryna find a fucking map

[greenpapayaartprojects]

Right People, Wrong Timing: People-to-People, Case-to-Case (Email Q&A with Margaret Shiu and Norberto Roldan before Intra Asia Network, Seoul, 2006)

Norberto Roldan (Peewee) couldn't attend the Pilot Project AIR Asia - Mapping Asian Artists' Mobility (2005) organized by 竹圍工作室 Bamboo Curtain Studio (BCS) in Taipei. This event would be better known as the first Intra Asia Network (IAN) meeting as mentioned in Anne Yao's text last week. Prior to the following September 2006 IAN meeting in Korea, Margaret Shiu of BCS was actively engaging people in the network via email. Below are Peewee’s answers to a questionnaire that Margaret emailed some time between the two events:

Dear Margaret,

I sincerely apologize for sending this only now. I should have attended to this document earlier had it not been for some problems I encountered with my travel plans. Actually, it has been my intention to contribute these insights, and participate in the discussions through emails, whether I make it to Korea or not. But now that there is a better chance for me to make it (thanks to you and Hyunjin), I’m excited at the prospect of being able to elaborate on these thoughts during the actual workshop. I hope you can bear with my lengthy discourse.

Best regards, Norberto (Peewee)

BCS: What are your current concerns within this topic as a service provider to your local and regional cultural workers, and how can you help our new initiative in international exchanges?

NR: Since this is going to be my first active participation in an ongoing discussion regarding certain issues, allow me to contribute my initial thoughts based on certain assumptions, like: 1. the term service provider is still subject to debate and is used here liberally to describe members of the network, some of which are actually parallel initiatives (alternative spaces) to existing art and cultural institutions, and therefore are part of the industry infrastructure as well; 2. the question at hand tries to distinguish the members of the network from the “local and cultural workers” although in some/most cases (particularly in ours), these cultural workers/artists are the same people running these parallel initiatives. The contention, therefore, on the term service provider arises from a situation where the one delivering the “service” and the beneficiaries are the same.

So given the duality of the role played by alternative spaces (like in the case of Green Papaya Art Projects where it has evolved into a community of artists and at the same time as an alternative platform serving the needs of its community), the most pressing concern is sustainability. Historically, since alternative spaces are borne out of artists’ initiatives primarily as a response to different types of challenges in their respective socio-cultural environments, these efforts have been propelled mostly by sheer manpower but without much financial muscle. Due to lack of state subsidy, support from the private sector and corporate patronage, we have seen very dynamic and promising alternative art spaces in Manila folding up and burning out artists/cultural workers involved after three or four years of struggling to keep programs afloat. Obviously the problem of sustainability translates into funding requirements. Sourcing for funds, formulating economic activities and generating sustainable resources are the most common stumbling blocks for these alternative spaces in pursuing a more long term goal in terms of not only initiating but establishing new paradigms in contemporary art productions and cultural management.

As to the question how can our spaces help in the new initiative in international exchange, I guess there is much to learn from this collective phenomenon: what drives artists running these spaces to take matters into their own hands? They certainly are not in any position to contribute material resources to residencies and exchanges, but they have enough well grounded perspectives formed over many years of operating in the periphery that may be significant to this whole Intra-Asia dialogue. But the most concrete step I think that we can do to help international exchange prosper is to participate in the formulation of a framework and help in building the needed infrastructure that are most appropriate and relevant to our Asia-Pacific constituency. Saying that, there is no need to stress further the importance of the IAN workshop and for everyone (including those whose mobility is hampered by financial constraints) to be able to participate in it.

BCS: What are the currently available resources that we can tap into for substantive services to members in this network?  There is a lot of information but we need real sharing of past experiences and knowledge so as to be continuously relevant.

NR: Offhand, I can say that there is no organized system yet from where we can source a particular type of support for a particular type of project. I agree that there is a lot of information available but sharing and dissemination have always been done through personal association, affiliation or referral. Perhaps, IAN can build a research and technology-based virtual site where information can constantly flow and members can readily access them. It can be both a library and a discussion portal to support dialogue among artists and cultural managers of alternative/artist-run spaces, institutions, organizations, museums, as well as with its counterpart communities in North America and Europe and elsewhere, making connections outside the mainstream, governmental and institutional links. Dialogues may seek to articulate issues that pertain to local and regional concerns around culture and society and discuss ways through which contemporary art practice can acquire a significant role in the everyday life of ordinary people – enriching their perspective to be fully aware and critical of their social, cultural and political conditions.

From our experience, there has been a lot of people-to-people arrangements, more on a case-to-case basis, where realization of residencies and exchanges have sprung. Our residency and exchange program for example was born in this kind of environment and features more soft resources (facilitation of direct interaction/integration with local artists and communities) than hard resources (availability of studio spaces and accommodations). As part of our soft resource capability, we arrange for accommodation, workshop area, link-up with schools and universities, and immersion in a specific community/sector for foreign artists who wish to take up a residency with us.  As a host we also offer curatorial assistance, project management, and an exhibition or performance venue, all this for free, should the artist need such support.

BCS: Can you from your own perspective honestly review the present Asian networks, taking into consideration their internal structure, range of interaction between members and non-members, functioning, nature of their projects, difficulties, successes and fundraising strategies.  How effective are they in communication, and how may they be of help to our group in the future.

NR: I’ll try to provide a general overview of these issues, varied as they are, from a perspective fed both by empirical data and gathered from first hand knowledge and observations. I will also try to list down from memory formal and informal networks I have come across with in the course of my work both as an artist and cultural manager simply as points of reference.

Formal networks

1. ASEAN COCI Some 30 years preceding the founding of Intra Asia Network in Taipei in 2005, we witnessed the formation of the ASEAN-COCI (Committee on Culture and Information), a formidable network of quasi-government cultural institutions funded by the Association of Southeast Asian Nations. COCI’s mandate was to develop a basic framework of cooperation in culture and information where equal opportunities are given to each country for their artists and scholars to make a headway in the development and promotion of arts and culture in the region. Hence, since the early 1980s to mid 1990s, we saw for the first time a traffic of Asian artists crossing regional borders to participate in annual travelling exhibitions, art camps, sculpture symposia; and of Asian scholars participating in exchange programs that cover anthropology, archeology, museology, and cultural policy making workshops. With the programs ably funded by member governments, we experienced the leveling off of the field among rich and poor countries, and for that matter artists coming from the oil-rich state of Brunei and the poverty-stricken state of the Philippines are able to share the same platform. There is no available data as to whether the main objective of COCI was achieved although it is generally perceived that the role it played in initiating artists’ mobility in Asia can not be ignored. In 1992, I represented the Philippines in a traveling exhibition and symposium in Brunei Darussalam. The experience provided the individual artists opportunities to network informally with their counterparts from other countries but not much has come out of it since it lacked the necessary mechanics and support system to sustain and widen such network. I believe that IAN should tap into the vast resources of the ASEAN-COCI, and may propose a joint program to strengthen the infrastructure for AIR.

2. FEDERATION OF ASIAN ARTISTS Organized some 15 years ago, this federation is composed of FAA-Committees from each country in Asia. Its main activity is its annual Asian International Art Exhibition which tour the different member-countries. The touring exhibition provides a venue for artists to meet and dialogue on current developments and issues relevant to Asian art practice. It is a network, however, that maintains exclusivity among committee members. As in the case of the Philippines, membership in the committee is permanent. Although the FAA enjoys both corporate and government support, this privilege does not trickle down to a bigger community where contact and interaction with other Asian artists may be enhanced.

3. ALTERNATIVES: CONTEMPORARY ART SPACES IN ASIA (publication) A unique mechanism for networking, this guidebook was first published at the end of 2001 by the Japan Foundation. The latest edition released in October 2004 contains information on 170 art spaces and organizations in 16 countries in the Asia-Pacific region. In its introduction, it states that “this guidebook was compiled to assist people with interest in Asian contemporary art, providing the necessary information to directly experience the art of Asia in its countries of origin, to meet and associate with people in the Asian art world, or to research and study new art forms in this region.” As far as alternative spaces are concerned, it brought unprecedented access to similar endeavors in the region, providing vital information and links to people operating in the field, and offering wide opportunities for interaction, cooperation and exchange. While actual exchanges do happen as a result of this “open source,” it also suggests virtual mobilities for those who are interested in any particular space listed in the book, and may pursue it by visiting the homepage. This mechanism only proves that even with the internet, information contained in hard copies can still be a vital instrument in connecting people. In the long term, I can see the need for IAN to publish a similar undertaking, and or to co-publish with the Japan Foundation an expanded version of the guidebook.

Informal networks

1. ARS NETWORK Artists-Run-Spaces in Manila maintain an informal network. Under such arrangement, we make ourselves aware of each other’s program and calendar of events, and make sure that we support these activities. We also share information, foreign contacts and resources, and on a number of occasions, collaborate on projects. Since there is no available funding to run a more structured network, we rely more on the communal spirit prevalent in third world environments like Manila. By and large, the system works as the field is left wide open for anyone wanting to contribute something. But to a certain extent, the informal setting makes us vulnerable to committing ourselves to undertake under-funded projects.

2. PERSONAL NETWORK A personal network with individuals and organizations is developed over many years of interaction and collaboration in the course of our participation in international exhibitions, workshops and conferences. Also, as a result of our hosting residencies and exchanges, we developed personal working relations with artists and institutions. Although communication and interaction with the people considered within this network is done on a more personal basis, a consolidation of one’s personal network may be passed on to other members of IAN.

4. We need also to clarify the structure of our new network, and rights and responsibilities of the members.

I should reserve my comments and in-puts with regards to the structure of our new network and the responsibilities of the members as I believe this concern will be further discussed during the workshop. As for now, I think I have a plateful to digest and I hope that the rest of the panel will take interest in some of the observations I raised. Thank you.

***** Thanks to Anne Yao for kindly sharing this document, along with additional documents and video documentation that was missing from Papaya’s archives. The above text has been edited for clarity.

Images from IAN Seoul, September 2006: 1. Norberto Roldan (Peewee) in Ssamzie Space, Seoul 2. Peewee with Ssamzie curator, Hyun Jin Shin at the Gwangju Biennale Conference Hall 3. Peewee, 3rd from right, at Ssamzie’s black box space, Seoul

Credits: Sau Bin Yap: 1 Anne Yao: 2, 3

More documentation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R_Heon_-QM

More info:

Bamboo Curtain Studio website http://bambooculture.com/en

"Intra Asia Network." (last edited on 1 Aug 2018) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intra_Asia_Network

"New Ways of Engaging Asia." (2006) http://arthub.bestbit.it/project/new-ways-of-engaging-asia/

Mio Iwakiri. "Hot Workshop in a Big Typhoon." (1 Sep 2005) https://aaa.org.hk/en/ideas/ideas/research-log-hot-workshop-in-a-big-typhoon

If you can: https://greenpapaya.art/donation

***** Right People, Wrong Timing (RPWT) is a series of texts on defunct or inactive independent Asian arts initiatives that had crossed paths or ran parallel to Papaya's own 20-year history. With new posts every Friday from August to December 2020, RPWT is kindly supported through a local grant by the Japan Foundation Manila.

#rpwt #papayapost

[magical-agatha]

Ahh.. here it comes.. I'm having a minor psychosis. That grammar seems wrong but calling it a psychotic episode, while probably more accurate, makes me feel bad. This is the fourth one I've had. It's terrifying but part of me is fascinated because now that i know what it feels like i can anticipate them. Hopefully I'll find a more practical coping mechanism than just going to sleep. Something that I'm not sure what to think about is that typically you're told not to attempt to self diagnose psychosis bc of the inherently loose grip on reality and the whole delusional aspect of it. But I've been aware/cognizant of the intricacies of my mental health for a long long time because i had to learn how to deal with them without medication. So I'm able to tell when something is happening to me in terms of mood swings or pamic attacks or what have you. I guess based on that it tracks that after several psychotic episodes in under a month I'd be able to see them coming and detach myself from the uhhhh, sensation i guess. It's still terrifying whether i can make sense of it or not. I'm scared that I'll slip into a major and permanent delusion. There's a very real risk of this becoming something severe enough to ruin my life. It's a lot to deal with. I'm not sure how to procede. I've noticed also that I've significantly changed my vocabulary right now for some reason which is mildly distressing. I'm well read and reasonably educated but normally I'd reserve this type of, ack mental blank. Normally I'd only speak like this in formal situations like assessments or letters. When i was in high school this is how I'd talk when i was incredibly angry or upset. I wonder how it made me look. I wonder if I'm speaking like this because I'm trying to remove myself from the psychosis. I know that I'm just writing down my stream of consciousness, i think that's a coping mechanism though. It forces me to put my thoughts and emotions into something tangible which does at least two things. One it let's me get a better grip on my problem by explaining it and verbalising it. And two it functional similarly to a breathing exercise by giving me something to fixate on beside my problem. Normally that kind of thing is used mainly for panic attacks but i find it very cathartic to deal with emotional anguish by putting it into words and i think it's something everyone shoukd try because it seems very few people actually understand their emotions and why they feel a certain way. Suddenly I'm remembering a painful, thing. This still messes with my head and i used to think it was a dream or a nightmare from when i was a child that i had surpressed. But in light of my recent well, 'discovery' of the what and why and other nuances of a psychotic episode, i think i might have had a series of severe delusions as a small child under 5. Although a delusion is probably connected some how to dreams psychologically?? I Have a very vivid memory, or maybe a memory of an emotion? All it really is is an image and a sensation. The image is a rusk, those bread sticks used for teething babies, but the rusk is also simultaneously a thick piece of branch from a rose bush covered in bloodred thorns. The stem is still green but the cut ends are dry and brown. I need to empathise here that it's not a thorny rusk. It is two objects simultaneously. Not two objects clipped through each other but one object that is both an innocuous rusk and a short length of thorny stem. It's similar to schrodinger's cat except if shrodinger opened the box to find the cat occupying two bodies. One dead and one alive. The sensation is raw primal terror. It's the feeling of seeing something that you can't comprehend and being utterly terrified. It's like the smallest inkling of cosmic terror as described by hp lovecraft. This image has occasionally come back to terrorise me but i think it says a lot about my mental state as a young child. My problems are more extensive than i was aware. This has calmed me down quite a lot but i think I'm still experiencing a very mild psychosis. I need to find an adequate coong mechanism quickly.

#hashtag blogging with aggy