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daydreamerdrew · 1 year

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Ok, so, I've been playing Tears of the Kingdom this week, and I’ll put my thoughts under a cut in case anyone here is trying to avoid spoilers, with a big preface over the whole thing that this is just my thoughts regarding where I’m at in the game so far, without the context of the entire story:

I'm overall really enjoying the game- I’m using the new rune mechanics more than I ever did the ones in BOTW and I’m really enjoying exploring the surface world and talking to people and learning about how things have changed since BOTW. I am going through all that a bit slowly though because I want a good experience out of this game and don’t want to rush it. I don’t think I’ve explored that much of the sky areas yet and the underground world is a little too stressful and devoid of people to interact with to be as much fun, but I am making steady progress in it

I really adored the portrayal of Zelda and her dynamic with Link in the opening scene where she’s freely being her passionate scholar self and Link is quietly dedicated to her. that moment where he goes to take her torch from her without her having to ask him first so that she can take pictures of the ruins she’s so interested in is so cute

I am disappointed that it’s looking like Zelda is going to be in a different setting for the entirety of the game and so we’re not gonna get to see much of Zelda just existing in this world or of Link and Zelda’s dynamic depicted in proper scenes, even though that, like, makes sense for the structure of a LOZ game, because I am interested so in her and what her relationship with Link is like post-BOTW

and so far I’m just really not compelled by her storyline depicted in the memories, which is unfortunate because I had found learning about Zelda through the memories in BOTW so rewarding

the overall concept as I understand it by now is that Zelda is essentially reliving her experience leading up to the Calamity Ganon, except that this time she’s able to participate more fully in that lead up because she’s already accessed her powers and that the warriors from the different peoples are called Sages instead of Champions, and Zelda knows the whole time that they’re going to fail again because she’s in the past and has seen the evidence of their failure in her own time, which is just kind of boring to me. a narrative of a character being trapped in a cycle isn’t inherently uncompelling, but that Zelda is going through the same stuff again is so far just kind of there and nothing is being done with that specifically, so that part of the game is so far just the same story again

except that Zelda is experiencing an inversion of her upbringing with her mother who was supposed to help her with her powers but died before that could happen and her father who treated her as a princess before he treated her as a daughter because of the high stakes of their situation and couldn’t understand her struggles, with the King Rauru and Queen Sonia being positive surrogate parents to her, Sonia being able to instruct Zelda directly about her recall ability that Zelda wants to learn, and Rauru compassionately treating her like a person despite him valuing his position as king and his awareness of the high stakes of their situation. which is boring to me. it’s not that this isn’t rewarding for me to watch despite becoming invested in her from the first game, but that it’s unrewarding specifically because I was invested in her conflict of not being allowed to do what she was genuinely talented at and enjoyed in favor of what her father assumed would be the key to her unlocking her powers, which never accumulated into anything and essentially wasted years of her life, and never experiencing any understanding from her father throughout all of that. I did not want to see a depiction of Zelda’s life where she got a do-over of her life without those problems. I’d have much rather seen her in her adult life beyond the point of being parented, having moved on from what of her life can’t be changed because it’s in the past

the depiction of Link and Zelda’s dynamic in the memories is inherently limited by the fact that they can’t be together in them, and what I’ve seen of that so far, the tea memory where she’s talking about what she likes about Link, had her use the most plain and generic language to describe him, which is inherently uninteresting

there’s also a dissonance to me between the portrayal of the empire system in Breath of the Wild compared to Tears of the Kingdom, or rather not necessarily a complete contradiction as it is an introduction of a new problem for me

I wouldn’t say that the system of the Hylian Kingdom ruling over the other kingdoms before the Calamity was necessarily framed negatively, but that it’s depiction is really limited to how being a princess and being a knight impacted negatively Link and Zelda on a personal level. and there was nothing in the portrayal of the world at the point that the game took place at that suggested to me that there were any negative consequences specifically from the empire system being destroyed. I didn’t get the impression from the portrayal of the Rito, Zora, Gerudo, or Goron communities that they were worse off being autonomous and not all under a central ruler, or that any of them were particularly eager to go back to not being autonomous, other than that the Sheikah did still value that historical system

the tragedy is limited to the loss of life and the limited communication between the communities, which wasn’t actually that much better back when they were under a central ruler, and also doesn’t really require them being under a central ruler to fix

and what I’ve seen of the depiction of the modern world in Tears of the Kingdom so far doesn’t really contradict that. lots of people seem to care about Zelda and they are referring to her as the princess, but their concern seems to me to be largely because she’s already done so much for everyone by keeping the Calamity Ganon contained for 100 years, as well as that she’s smart and kind and was helping people, and nobody is bringing up who her father was

however, what I’ve seen in the memories so far is strangely and unconvincingly in support of that system

in the memory where Zelda meets King Rauru and Queen Sonia she introduces herself as the daughter of King Rhoam of Hyrule. why would she do that? from her perspective, it had been over 100 years since Rhoam died. who cares about him. he wasn’t, like, vaunted as a particularly great ruler or anything. and he certainly wasn’t a great father to her. I don’t see why she would consider being Rhoam’s daughter such an important part of her identity, or why she would expect anyone to care that she’s Rhoam’s daughter, rather than that she was the one who kept the Calamity Ganon contained for 100 years

and what seems to be driving the central conflict is that one person wants to be the ruler of everyone for the good noble reason of providing and maintaining unity, and one person wants to be the ruler of everyone for the bad immoral reason of enjoying power. I don’t personally have the suspension of disbelief for fantasy story that a monarchy system is good when the right characters do it, but also like… ‘oh no, Ganondorf doesn’t really like swearing fealty to King Rauru, he’s not genuinely treating it as an honor to do so, because he’s evil’ c’mon now

but I am at least really enjoying learning about Zelda’s life through people talking about her in the main world and there’s a series of missions where you as Link help with a situation that she was involved in that got complicated by her disappearing and through that learn about what she was up to. so far I’ve completed one where you find some missing farm tools that she borrowed from a stable and learn that she was working on a flower garden with the flower lady from BOTW- who maintained a maze of flowers around a shrine and would freak out if you accidentally stepped on one, making you have to start the maze again- which is just such a cool concept for this game to me. I love that Zelda’s making friends. and I do love how everybody loves Zelda, that, in contrast to how before she wasn’t well-liked because her not being able to access her powers was dooming everyone, is actually rewarding for me to see

#my posts

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abirjivana · 1 year

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Writing Initiative #7

During this self-directed assignment something that I learned about myself was that I enjoy brainstorming with other people. I would come to the group discussions fixed on a concept and already in the works of it, but when sharing my concepts with other people and hearing their comments it showed me so many different perspectives. I would explain my word and concept to my group and they would tell me things it reminded them of or their own take on the work. This opened my eyes to new ideas and allowed me to evolve my concept. I think it’s pretty cool that I got to make my classmates a part of my work by incorporating their comments into my work, it also was cool to see some of my classmate’s incorporate ideas that I brought up to them in the group discussions. I found brainstorming with others something I really enjoyed and something I found very helpful as it let me see new perspectives which lead to more ideas and concepts for me to play with.

The most difficult aspect I found from doing this assignment was my time management. I had five courses this semester and all of them required lots of time and work spent on them each week. The heavy workload of this semester made it hard for me to manage my time because since everything for this class was due at the end of the semester, I was more focused on getting things done that were due throughout the semester for my other classes. But I did appreciate the fact that everything was due at the end of the semester, and we could work on the projects at our own pace and schedule because I think if we had to submit something each week like I did for my other classes, then I wouldn’t have been able to do as good of a job on my projects and work, I’d rush to finish and submit things on time. But since we could work on it at our own pace I was able to find my own time where I could work on the projects and really develop strong concepts for them.

Something I enjoyed about this opportunity was the process of it all and getting to see my classmate’s process. It was really interesting to see how everyone went from picking a random word and then sharing what we learned about the word from researching it to then coming up with concepts and discussing them with the class to then actually executing those concepts and creating something really interesting. I enjoyed the whole process myself and seeing how my classmate’s went through with their own process. It was really fun to take a word that I never really heard of or used and to create these different pieces based on them. It was also really interesting to see what my classmate’s have created, I enjoyed today’s presentation so much and getting to see everyone’s final outcomes, they were all just so amazing and creative. Sitting at a table listening to your classmate’s concepts to then actually see it executed was something I really enjoyed.

I think performance over the course of the semester was good, if I had to give a number to it, I would say like an 8/10. I came to all my group discussions and presented what I was working on and made comments on what my classmate’s were working on. I also think I worked good in coming up with my own concepts and executing them.

I think something I would do differently now that I’ve had this opportunity to work this way would be to present my concept before starting to execute it. For all of my projects I had already started working on my concepts and getting material before I got the opportunity to discuss them in my groups. After my group discussions I would have a new direction and ideas that I wanted to incorporate in my work. This made me waste all this time before hand working on something that I then later wanted to change. So, if I could do something differently it would be to present my concept and maybe even a prototype, to my group before starting to execute my concept so that way if I want to change anything or add new ideas then I can do so without having to waste time and material.

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tyrellmwangi · 1 year

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Self Education and Time Travel

A concept often explored and expressed in various works of art… whether it’s real or not shouldn’t be the subject of discussion. The fact that the idea exists and has been expressed means that it exists.Through the process of learning new skills and concepts, the degree of difficulty would often vary depending on the activity. For someone who considers himself a genius, I was disturbed. I later came to appreciate that there exists a disparity when it came to learning different things.It wasn’t monotonous and that meant I’d never get bored of learning new things. Whenever I found difficulty learning something, I’d ask myself why that was so. If a child was to be introduced to new knowledge having known nothing else, they would quickly grasp it and internalize it in the purest form.I learnt to be careful not to let my ego get in the way of my education. Without a system of accountability, especially to yourself, it is very easy to dismiss something. If that becomes a habit, you won’t lack an excuse for failing to pursue anything that poses a degree of difficulty. This could serve as a reflection of how competent you really are.From the comparison of a child’s point of view, I understood that the difficulty I faced when learning something was because it conflicted with something that I already knew. New or old, one way of thinking had to give way.My desire to learn something new would help me push in unlearning whatever ‘truth’ I previously held. The degree of difficulty would be more if I could point out decisions I made based on what I previously thought to be true.With my mind, I would visit the past to when I learnt something that I want to unlearn in the present. I would analyze the consequences or outcomes of decisions made from what I knew. If I didn’t like it, I would begin to find ease acquiring new knowledge. Just because pf the possibility of better outcomes once new knowledge is acquired.Time in the present would move fast if I took too long to find a good reason to unlearn and learn, meaning that the new desired future will take longer to accomplish. An example of this was when I started learning how to run.Two laps around a football field would have me feeling like my lungs would pop. The rate of my heartbeat was scary. I immediately considered running torture. I would see some of my peers do it with ease. It became increasingly annoying. I knew I was no different than them. I was simply unfit.My goal was to be able to do ten laps. I was 14. For the next four years since then, I was very inconsistent but I knew I could do it. When I was 19, I became serious about it. I was still unfit. I was worse off than before since I had grown taller and heavier.With consistent effort, I was able to do ten laps in less than three months. I was furious! What took me so long? It was a limiting thought that I had adapted that being fit requires a lot of time. And so it was. It took me five years to disprove myself in under three months.Do you see why self education is important? Do you understand time travel as I have explained it? I was stuck in the past for five years and within three months of teaching myself how to run (through practice), I reached my desired future. The process was almost six years long but actual strides were made in months.The years in between weren’t wasted because I was able to hold on to my goal. Now that I know more about time travel doesn’t mean that it gets easier with new goals. In fact, it’s much harder. The past has to often be revisited and the return to the present has to be a lot faster so that the future doesn’t take too long. Did I lose you? Read it again.

#selfeducation #time travel

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sapphos-catpanions · 2 years

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Sisters, some of you may lack experience evaluating scientific evidence, yet are confronted with TRAs saying “science proves trans people exist!” and providing links to scientific studies claiming to have found a biological basis for trans identity, or proof that transition is beneficial to trans people.

I’d like to outline a few concepts that may help you understand the problems with the science that has been conducted on the subject of trans people. I am not a scientist, so I’d much appreciate any feedback or corrections.

1. Begging the question

Here are some of the studies being held up as proof that trans people are “valid”:

A study of the brains of trans women, trans men, cis women and cis men, and the potential for gender-based differences: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/01/150107082133.htm

A study on the brains of some trans men, and some cis men and cis women, claiming to show that the brains of the trans men had more similarities to the cis male brains, relative the cis female brains: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022395610001585

You’ve heard it before, I’m sure. Are you ready to learn why these studies were giant wastes of time? And no, it’s not even because of the obvious problem right off the bat (How did they know there were no closted trans people in the “cis” groups? How could they be sure there were no future detransitioners in the trans groups?).

It’s because, if you want to do science, you cannot start by assuming what you are trying to prove. This is known as the fallacy of “begging the question.” They relied on the self-reports of trans people to sort them in a group apart from cis people. In attempting to prove the biological basis for the category “trans”, they assumed the category “trans” had a biological basis. This is what pseudoscientists do.

This fallacy comes up a lot in arguments with the devoutly religious: “The human eye is too complex to have evolved, it must have been designed. Therefore, God exists.” Sir, no…. you cannot assume that the eye is too complex to have evolved that way. You must prove that to me.

What they should have done, right from the start, is study the brains of self-identified trans people, and from there predict the future detransitioners. Or they could have studied the brains of self-identified non-trans people, and predicted which ones were closted trans people. That would have been real science.

“I am not convinced. After all, they found something that looks “female” in the brains of the trans women! Maybe their methods are flawed but they must have found something!”

Not necessarily. I think what may be going on is known as:

2. P-hacking

When I was a young child, I saw a History Channel Special that claimed to prove that the Bible predicted the JFK assassination. I think the letters of a certain translation were arranged in grid form, and certain words related to the JFK assassination were grouped in close proximity. Stupid, right?

But I was just a kid, so I told my dad “Dad! Did you know the bible predicted the JFK assassination?” And my father recognized that as an excellent opportunity to teach me about p-hacking.

“No,” he said, “those are just coincidences.”

“Dad, are you blind? What are the odds that those exact words would be found together like that?”

“Not very high. But don’t forget… they weren’t looking for evidence that the bible predicted the JFK assassination. They were looking for evidence that the Bible predicted anything, in the history of ever. It’s actually quite unlikely, using their methods, that you’d find NO uncanny predictions of anything that’s ever happened in human history. And you’d probably find a few uncanny predictions in the Harry Potter books, using this method.”

These researchers in the second study cited did not set out to find whether trans men had similar fractional anistropy levels in posterior part of the right superior longitudinal fasciculus to cis men. They were looking at whether the white matter patterns of trans men had any similarity to cis men (of course, in doing so they flagrantly beg the question, but I digress).

The brain is highly complex. When you conduct an MRI scan, you generate mountains of data. And if you set out to prove that a similarity exists somewhere in this mile-deep well of data you have generated for these individuals, you are going to find something that appears statistically significant. It’s actually unlikely that you will find no similarities between any two groups of people who have their brains scanned. And, if you are engaged in anti-scientific motivated reasoning, you will take this and claim to have found evidence for a biological basis for trans identification.

“Perhaps there is faulty science going on but you can’t argue with the results! Transition saves lives! Studies have shown that it makes people feel so much better!”

Well, there’s a problem with that, too.

3. The placebo effect

The neurological basis of the placebo effect has been extensively studied. We know, for example, that it can be augmented or dampened by certain drugs. We know that it exists even when you know you are being given a placebo. And we know that the more elaborate a placebo is, the more effective it is: so a surgery will be more effective than an injection, which will be better than a pill.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Have you ever heard of a more elaborate treatment than gender transition: surgery, hormones, clothing, hair, name, pronouns, every aspect of your life can change.

But transition has not been proven to be any more effective at treating gender dysphoria than some kind of equally elaborate placebo. That’s the piece that’s missing, that would usually be accounted for when studying any sort of medical treatment.

“But there are a lot of health benefits to placebos. If they help people, then they help people.”

This is true. There’s a problem, though. Transition is not tumeric pills or reiki or like… journaling frequently. In fact, it comes with risks of absolutely nightmarish consequences. Trans women are walking around, right now, with colostomy bags because of botched vaginoplasties. Trans men are stuck with chronic kidney infections from phalloplasties, as well as the risk of gangrene and lifelong weakness in their donor sites, as well as phantom pain and progressive tightening and sclerosing from their mastectomies. Puberty blockers disrupt brain development and put a child at risk of osteoporosis, sterility, and sexual dysfunction. Hormones cause powerful and systemic changes that have not been fully studied, but consider this: what happens when the cartilagenous valves on a male-sized heart become thinner and more flexbile under the influence of estrogen? What happens when the cartilage structures in a female sized brain become larger and tougher in response to testosterone? Do you know?

You don’t, because nobody knows. We aren’t studying these treatments. We are experimenting on human beings, just like they did in the Nazi camps, and for what: treatments that have not been proven to be better than a placebo, that are based on faulty science, and that don’t even hold up to common sense. Why would you amputate a healthy young woman’s breasts? Because she begged you to? Is that how medicine works?

“But why does the trans rights movement need to lean on junk science? Why don’t they do real science instead?”

Because it is a religion. That’s it, that’s the only explanation left. They believe that they have gender identities, that are at odds with their physical bodies. Theses gender identities have not been demonstrated to exist. These gender identities seem to want things of trans people, and they seem to be placated with certain rites (going to the beach after top surgery, standing to pee after phalloplasty) and certain prayers (compelled pronoun usage). Gender identities act similarly to the members of any polytheistic pantheon.

I have no problem with anyone’s religion. But it is time the scientific establishment, and the government, understand that in “affirming” trans people, while defacing the scientific method, logic and common sense, they are in fact respecting an establishment of religion. They do this to the ultimate detriment of trans people, who have come to them for help, for answers, and are made a mockery.

“Why do you care so much about trans people?”

Because they’re human beings and they deserve better than this horseshit. Because I used to be one. Because if not me, then who?

#trans #nonbinary #terfs please interact #gender critical #gender transition #gender dysphoria #gender confirmation surgery #radical feminist

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vampiregirl1797 · 3 years

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The Starlight Stone

GIF not mine.

Rhysand x Reader

Word Count: 4,898

Summary: Y/N comes from a different reality, where the characters and world she’s now living in, exist in a series of books. Rhysand takes her in, and she learns how to do something she’s never managed before… live.

Warnings: Can’t think of any? If I’ve missed anything, let me know.

Masterlist Here :)

Falling in love with new characters was as easy as breathing for me. In fact it was so easy, that before I realised it, I was only falling for them. Reading became an escape for me, a teenage girl without a shred of self-confidence, used to being the overlooked one in a group of friends, used to not attracting any kind of male attention. It was perfect, because the men I fell in love with always loved me back, never hurt me with the crushing pain of rejection, never thought I wasn’t pretty enough, or skinny enough. They loved me for me.

I just never imagined I’d wake up in one of the fictional world’s I’d read about, and come face to face with the High Lord I’d most recently falling for. I’d arrived several months ago, and of course hadn’t been able to keep a thing from the High Lord of the Night Court who’d found me trespassing on his lands. He’d gone into my head, not too far, but far enough to assess whether I was a threat to him or his people. He discovered pretty quickly that I had absolutely no skill set to be a threat, and that I absolutely was not from his world.

He’d found the concept of Prynthian being presented in a series of books both interesting and amusing, as well as him and his friends existing as characters within the novels. I was just glad he hadn’t gone far enough to find how invested I got in each of the books I read, and those who existed within them, him being one of those people. It would have been mortifying and I had wondered on more than one occasion what his reaction would be. But coming face to face with a man who had been fictional to me, and then become real overnight… it had thrown me into my insecurities. Into taking my feelings for the High Lord and shoving them down as far as I could.

‘Y/N?’ I was snapped out of my thoughts by Cassian popping his head into my room. Rhys had offered me a room at his town house when I first got here, and I’d never left. He’d offered the money to buy my own place, but I hadn’t been comfortable with the idea of that at the time, and now I had a place on his court, along with a wage of my own, but this had become my home.

‘Hey Cass, what’s up?’ I smiled, patting the empty space beside me on the enormous bed; in my world I’d never had bigger than a single, and this was about three singles put together.

‘Not much, I was gonna go into town for a little while, do you want to come with?’ His hazel eyes studied me with warmth and kindness, which was probably what had made me comfortable around him so quickly. He’d never looked at me with the disinterest I was used to being on the receiving end of from men; he saw me as a person and I appreciated him for it.

‘Sure. Anything in particular you’re after?’ I wondered letting my hair down from the messy bun I’d pulled it up onto when I’d come to relax in my room.

He shrugged, trying and failing to be nonchalant, ‘not really. Just felt like getting out.’

I sighed, shuffling to the edge of the bed to slip on my boots, ‘Rhys sent you to check up on me didn’t he? Let me guess, he thinks I’m becoming a depressed recluse?’

Cass gave me a look that was a mixture of concern and exasperation, ‘Rhys worries about you because you never leave the house. He doesn’t think you’re depressed, but he worries you’re not living either. You lose yourself in books, and you barely speak to anyone, even me.’

I turned away, pretending to busy myself with lacing up my shoes to hide the tear that slid down my cheek. Rhys was more observant than I gave him credit for. The truth was, since I’d gotten here, I’d basically been living the same as I had before; reading, sleeping, eating and more reading. I ate meals with everyone sometimes, but more often than not, I allowed the new fictional worlds offered to me here to consume me. I’d never been called out on it before. No one had ever cared enough to notice that I wasn’t just reading because I loved it, I was reading to escape the life I didn’t know how to live.

‘I-I’ I stuttered, forcing myself to stop and take a breath.

‘Hey,’ Cassian’s voice softened and he shuffled beside me on the bed to sling a muscular arm over my shoulder. My head went to his chest, not even trying to hold back my tears anymore, it seemed pointless when he could probably scent them anyway, ‘I didn’t say this to upset you, just to let you know that you’re family to us now, Y/N, and we care about you. We want you to live and enjoy life, not to fall solely in love with fictional places.’

‘This place was just a fictional place to me once.’ I murmured quietly.

‘And now you get to be here, and still choose to read yourself to death.’ He teased, chuckling softly.

I smiled, wiping away the moisture from my cheeks, because he was right. Rhys was right. I had been blessed with the opportunity to live in a reality I’d once yearned for with all my heart, and I’d been wasting it. Why? Because I was afraid to face the feelings I had for a certain High Lord, feelings that had only blossomed since coming here, despite my best efforts to avoid him. I’d been throwing myself into reading because I wanted to live in the fantasy that he would return my feelings for a little longer. But that had to stop. I wasn’t immortal here—at least I didn’t think so, I didn’t have Fae characteristics and I didn’t have any powers—and it was time to stop squandering my life being a scaredy cat.

‘You’re right. Rhys is right.’ I moved away from Cassian’s chest, wiping all evidence of my tears away, ‘lets go into Velaris. I’ve always wanted to stroll through the City and take everything in. It looks so beautiful from up here.’

Cassian grinned, and allowed me to pull him from the bed, and just like that we left the town house and were swallowed by the life of Velaris.

Six Months Later

‘I don’t think so.’ I shook my head, levelling the Shadowsinger with a no-nonsense glare, ‘it’s the Winter Solstice, which is the first one I’m spending here, it’s basically Christmas, and it’s a family holiday. You’re not flying off to wherever the heck you’re planning to go, with only your shadows for company.’

His hazel eyes were blank but he visibly stiffened. I sighed, realising that telling Azriel what he could and couldn’t do was not my place, and it definitely wasn’t the best approach.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to act like I’m your keeper or anything.’ I stood from the couch where I’d been sitting, to move to where he stood in front of the fire. I placed a hand on his shoulder, and relaxed a little when he didn’t shrug me off, ‘it’s just… this means something to me. Back in my old reality, we had Christmas, which was something similar. We’d all gather, exchange presents, decorate a tree, hang decorations… but what made it special to me was the time spent with the people I loved. With the people I considered family. You’re my family now, Azriel. You, Cass, Ameren, Mor… and Rhys. Obviously it’s your choice, but if you could afford to, please don’t leave until after the holiday.’

I thought his eyes had softened at my words, but honestly it was hard to tell with the Shadowsinger. I left him alone to think over my words, kissing his cheek as I made my way outside; I still had some things left to buy for everyone. I’d gone a little overboard, but I couldn’t help it. I’d pretty much finished Mor and Ameren, I had a few last things to pick up for Cassian and Azriel, and the majority I’d left to buy were for Rhys. I already knew what I was going to get him, and most were already purchased and wrapped at each store, I’d just waited until now to get them, because while Rhys was trusted with everyone else’s presents… well giving him his own gifts just didn’t seem right. It might just have been me, but I felt like it took away the surprise, at least a little bit.

I smiled as I walked through the city, nodding in greeting to a few friendly people. Since that talk Cassian had with me six months ago, I’d started venturing out of the townhouse more and more. I still read, but it was for the fun of it now, rather than the escape from reality. I’d fallen in love with Velaris. The city was beautiful, and teeming with life and acceptance and peace… seeing it first hand really made me appreciate the efforts Rhys and everyone had gone through to protect this place, to make it a home.

‘Hey girl!’ Ameren’s voice had me looking to my right, to see her running across the cobblestone street to catch up to me, ‘you wouldn’t be out to purchase my Winter Solstice presents now would you?’ she grinned, her silver eyes sparkling with more life than usual.

I playfully rolled my eyes, ‘even if I was, I wouldn’t tell you. Your otherworld intimidation doesn’t work on me, Ren.’

She huffed, but I could see the amusement swirling in her silver irises, ‘fine. It amazes me sometimes though,’ she mused, going on to explain, ‘Cassian cracked like an egg in two seconds, told me what he’d got me straight away. But you’re immune to what makes me scary to people around here.’

I chuckled, being able to picture Cassian folding perfectly, ‘I wouldn’t say I’m the only one. And Cassian doesn’t prove anything, he’s like a big kid with this stuff. I’ve had to actually shush him to keep him from telling me about my presents, I think the excitement just gets to him. Now if you told me you’d broken Azriel, I’d be impressed.’

She huffed a laugh and tilted her head in acknowledgement of my words, ‘yeah, you might be right. He didn’t only tell me what he’d gotten me, he told me about everyone else’s too.’

I rolled my eyes affectionately, ‘that boy.’

‘Indeed.’ She shook her head, but when she met my eyes again the wicked glint in them made me brace myself slightly, ‘so what are you getting our High Lord?’

‘I’m on my way to pick up Rhys’ presents now. You can come with me if you want, so long as you don’t spoil anything.’ I gave her a pointed look and grinned at her offended look.

‘I’m not the gossip Cassian is, thank you very much, girl,’ she waved her hand dismissively, ‘anyway, I was just wondering if you were finally going to gift him with the truth.’

‘Who?’ I frowned, pulling open the door to the blacksmith’s—I’d requested a few specific weapons for Azriel, Cassian and Rhys, each custom made and fit to them specifically, ‘what truth?’

She opened her mouth to reply, but was had to wait until the blacksmith had handed over the three weapons he’d perfectly made for me. Azriel and Cassian had plenty of swords and knives and daggers, but their abundance in bows and arrows was clear. I’d seen them practice with the same one, and I doubted they had any specific for battle, which seemed a waste when they could both fly. So I’d asked the blacksmith to create some custom for them, and both now had their own bow, plenty of arrows and a quiver. Their names were engraved inside the buttery leather of their quivers, and each were made to be lightweight and able to be worn whilst flying without losing any arrows.

For Rhys I’d asked for a pair of daggers to be crafted. I’d seen him with a couple of swords, and I was sure he already had daggers too, but picking this particular weapon had just felt right, even if I knew it was likely he possessed some already. Each was pure silver, one held an amethyst stone at the hilt, while the other held an onyx stone. One for his eyes, the other for his court.

It was when we exited the shop that Ameren decided to resume her train of thought that I’d almost forgotten about, ‘the truth that you are in love with Rhys.’

It took a lot of effort not to stumble from shock, ‘what?’

‘Don’t play dumb. It’s obvious. Has been for months,’ she smirked, ‘we have bets on when you’re going to tell him. I have over the Solstice, so if you could do a girl a favour and tell him already, the winnings will be mine.’

‘Not to put a damper on your betting habits,’ I pulled her hand towards another shop I needed to go into, ‘but I’ve not got any “truth” to reveal to Rhys.’

She swore under her breath, ‘I knew I should have had spring, but there’s me being the optimist thinking you would have grown some balls and realised what we’ve all already seen by now.’

I frowned, ‘what the hell are you talking about Ameren?’

‘Rhys loves you just as much as you love him. Actually knowing him, he probably loves you even more, but he’s as much of a coward as you.’ She rolled her eyes, tucking her onyx hair behind her ear as I accepted another bag full of pre-wrapped presents for Rhys.

‘You can’t be serious.’ I didn’t know what else to say… the idea of him feeling a fraction of the love I had for him made my heart pound in my chest. I couldn’t fathom it.

‘Honestly, you’re both blind.’ She shook her head, but let the subject drop, and I was glad. Talking any more might have launched me into a full-blown panic attack.

I’d admitted to myself that fallen in love with the High Lord three months ago—for a long time I’d fought it, convincing myself I was just in love with the fictional version of him. But that theory had gone down the toilet when he’d laughed—really laughed—at a joke Cassian made, and I’d been powerless to stop myself from being overwhelmed with happiness at his happiness. It was then I accepted I was an idiot in love with a man I’d never have. But Ameren saying he did feel the same, well it made me panic because I’d never considered it a possibility before—I’d never had a man interested in me before, and the idea of it, the unfamiliarity, made me panic. So I forced it down and made myself focus on collecting the rest of my gifts.

The morning of Winter Solstice saw me rising bright and early, eager as a kid on Christmas morning. I realised that we wouldn’t be exchanging presents until the evening, after we’d all eaten, but I couldn’t tamper my excitement. So after I’d showered and dressed in leggings and a white woolly jumper, I headed to the living room to put the finishing touches on the decorations. Everything was basically done, but Rhys had found an eight-foot pine tree; I’d been telling him about the traditions of Christmas in my old reality, and he’d surprised me yesterday with a real tree. I’d hugged him tightly for it, unable to hold back my tears of gratitude at his thoughtfulness, and declared we’d have to decorate it tomorrow, after it had time to settle in the room overnight. A part of me wondered if he’d remember, but my doubt floated away upon the sight of him standing in the living room, observing the tree like he was sizing up an opponent on the battlefield. The thought made me chuckle, and he looked up to me with a smile.

‘Good morning.’ I murmured, coming over to join him, ‘is there a reason you seem to be sizing up this poor, defenceless tree?’

He grinned, his violet eyes sparkling with mirth, ‘well, other than the fact that it’s bigger than me and has an unfair advantage size-wise,’ I missed his soft smile as I laughed again, ‘I was simply wondering exactly how we’re going to decorate it.’

I softened with understanding, ‘well, lucky for you, I’m ridiculously prepared.’ I moved to pull out the box I’d stored behind the tree last night, after retrieving it from one of the shops in the art district. Magic was such a blessing here, and after I’d explained what I’d needed, and demonstrated with some awful drawings, they’d had everything made within a few hours. I pulled a few ornaments out, marvelling at the craftsmen’s ship for a moment before hanging them on the tree; there was a mixture of circular shapes and stars, in amethyst, silver, blue and black. They’d also crafted a silver star to go on top of the tree, fashioned after the star that always shone the brightest in the night sky of Velaris on the first night of Winter Solstice. It was so well made, I’d been struck speechless by how realistic it looked; as if they had plucked the star straight from the sky.

I nudged the box closer to Rhys with my foot, ‘just hang them however you want, like this.’ I gestured to the few I’d put on and smiled when he reached in and immediately followed instructions.

‘You know, if I used my magic I could have this done in under a minute.’ He commented, looking at me from the corner of his eye as if he knew my reaction before I voiced it.

‘Absolutely not! Decorating by hand is part of the fun, and the tradition.’ I protested, flicking his shoulder when I noticed his smirk, ‘if you use a flicker of magic, then there will be no presents for you.’

I frowned at the look of surprise in his eyes and he must have noticed my confusion because he said, his voice soft, ‘I didn’t think you’d gotten me anything. I didn’t mind, of course, I’m just surprised.’

‘Why would you think that?’ I turned to face him fully, ignoring the task of decorating for the moment.

‘Because you didn’t give them to me to hide.’ He shrugged, carefully placing another ornament onto the tree, ‘and I never expect gifts, from anyone regardless. I went a long time being consumed by disappointment after my mother and sister died, because my father never cared for the holiday before. But after their deaths, it bore a reminder of another year of them being gone. Then he and I enacted our revenge, and it was a while before Morrigan, Cassian and I were able to spend the Solstice together.’

I pulled him into a hug, winding my arms around his neck and not flinching at the appearance of his wings. They didn’t often appear without purpose unless he was feeling a strong emotion, but I didn’t question it when they cocooned us, his warmth radiating all around me.

‘I didn’t give you any to hide because I felt like it took away from the surprise of the holiday if I was asking you to keep your own presents.’ I murmured into his neck, missing the small shiver that passed through him, ‘I’m sorry, that you had to spend so many Solstice’s alone, Rhys. But you have a family now, one that would sooner die than leave you.’

He held me a little tighter, and I returned the gesture, burrowing further into his neck and wondering if I was imagining the increased heartbeat I could feel against my chest, or if I were perhaps mistaking it for my own.

I smiled from my seat in the armchair, enjoying the warmth emanating from the fire, and from the mug of hot chocolate I held in my hands. We had just had Winter Solstice dinner, and were taking it in turns to open our presents.

Ameren had gone first, and was grinning so wide it was almost scary at all of the jewels everyone had bought for her. Cassian had mostly been gifted weapons from everyone but Mor and me—she’d given him a sweater in the brightest green I’d ever seen, and I’d also gifted him some of his favourite liquor, a box of chocolates that Rhys had mentioned his mother got the General every year for solstice, some new books on war strategy, a new set of Illyrian leathers, and the bow and arrows I’d gotten him.

Azriel had also gained an abundance of weapons, along with a startlingly bright pair of purple socks from Mor, and some of his favourite liquor, a series of books on adventure and war I had a feeling he would enjoy, and a new set of Illyrian leathers and his new bow and arrows, from me. Mor had been given high quality clothing from everyone, and some of her favourite chocolates, wine, bath foams and salts from me. Rhys had been given a set of old leather bound books from Ameren, a Hawaiian themed shirt from Mor—mother knew where she found that—, what looked like a six-pack of beer from Cassian that had Rhys shaking his head with a reluctant smile, and a new set of Illyrian leathers from Azriel. I’d given him his new set of daggers, some of the chocolates Cassian had mentioned his mother and sister gifted him every Solstice, a painting that captured the beauty of Velaris perfectly, and something else I hadn’t yet presented to him.

I’d actually left the other gift in his room, on his pillow; it was a pendant that had caught my eye when I was buying Ameren’s Solstice gifts. The shop attendant had noticed my stare and pulled it out from beneath the glass—it wasn’t overly huge; about the size of a bottle cap. It was antique silver, with a stone at the centre that was so beautiful I’d been unable to look away from it. It reminded me of the night sky, to put it plainly. It was so blue I thought it was sapphire, but the flashes of pure light that I saw when I turned it reminded me of shooting stars. The attendant had explained it was a pendant often presented to a perspective partner as a way of showing your intentions—as a way of showing your love for them. It was often the step before the mating bond sparked, to acknowledge what you already felt for them. She mentioned that it was an out dated tradition, and many only bought the Starlight stone now purely because it was beautiful.

I didn’t know what possessed me to buy it. Maybe it was the possibility that he wouldn’t even know what it meant, maybe it was because a part of me wanted to tell him, and this was the only way I could muster the courage to do it. Either way, I’d left the small wrapped present on his black silk pillow before I’d joined the party tonight. And I’d had knots in my stomach about it since. A part of me wanted to excuse myself and take it back, but I forced that anxious part of my brain to shut up, because as much as it terrified me… I had to tell Rhys how I felt somehow, even if it meant that he didn’t feel the same way.

After the events of the evening, I decided to have a bath before I went to bed; Cassian and Azriel had passed out in the living room, one on the floor, the other on the sofa, but both were snoring loudly. Mor had made it to her room on the first floor, and Ameren had returned to her apartment. Rhys had said something about flying over the city before he turned in, and I was too awake with nerves to just slip straight into bed. So I ran some warm water into the gigantic tub that looked as if it would overflow onto the mountain below, and added some of my favourite bath foams that scented of lavender and honey—a gift from Az. I forced myself to breathe and just not think, and when my eyes started to droop I climbed out of the cooling water to dry off. I changed into the new silk gown Mor had gifted me for Solstice, and entered my bedroom only to stop short.

My heart stopped at the sight of Rhys sitting on the edge of my bed… and then picked up triple speed. He was wearing loose pyjama pants, and no shirt… and he was holding the gift box I’d left on his pillow. The lid was missing and he was staring at the pendant inside. I took a deep breath and crossed my arms over my chest to hide how my hands shook.

‘Hey.’ I bit my lip, unsure about what to do. Should I sit next to him? Stay standing in front of the fire about three feet away from him? Ask him if he liked the gift? Ask him if he knew what it meant?

His violet eyes lifted to meet mine, and I felt a wave of uncertainty wash over me at the guarded look in them, ‘do you know what this stone means?’ he asked, his voice quiet as he carefully held up the box, as if its contents were precious to him, ‘are you aware of the tradition that exists in Velaris? About what it means when someone presents this stone to another person?’

I took a deep breath, my heart pounding even faster now, and I was pretty sure I was starting to sweat. I wished I could read him better, wished I could know if he was hoping I knew, or hoping I didn’t. But he was a master of hiding his emotions, so I decided to go with the truth.

‘Yes, I know what it means.’ I admitted quietly, and knew if he didn’t have advanced hearing he wouldn’t have been able to make out the words; I could barely hear myself say them.

‘No, tell me. Tell me why you gave this to me.’ His eyes were still guarded, but his voice held a tinge of desperation, a tone I couldn’t resist from him.

‘I gave you that stone because the attendant at the jewellery store told me that the Starlight stone is what you give to a perspective partner, to acknowledge what you already feel for them, before the mating bond has sparked.’ I could feel the wariness on my face as he stood from the edge of the bed, stopping right in front of me.

He tilted my chin up to meet his eyes with his index finger and whispered, ‘and what is it you feel for me, Y/N?’

‘I love you Rhys.’ I admitted softly, missing the way his eyes softened as my gaze fell to his lips.

His hand caressed my cheek, his thumb moving back and forth across my cheekbone. I was powerless to stop myself melting into his touch, and felt my eyes sheen with tears when I saw the affectionate look in his eyes. I watched as the dark mist of his magic swirled around the pendant, and lifted it from the box to secure it around his neck. My hand went to rest against his chest, where the pendant lay against his skin.

‘I love you too, Y/N darling.’ He murmured, wiping away the tears that fell silently down my cheeks.

I vaguely heard the gift box fall to the floor, his free hand now landing on my hip and pulling me flush against his body. My arms wound around his neck, my fingers going to his silky soft hair as his mouth covered mine.

One Year Later

‘I’m just saying, Cassian is a great name for a tiny warrior.’ Cass grinned from the sofa, across from where Rhys and I sat in the love seat he’d bought for us about a year ago.

‘Absolutely not.’ Rhys drawled, his hand gently moving back and forth across my swollen belly.

‘Do you have names picked out?’ Mor asked, her face holding the beaming expression that was always present when we were talking about the baby.

‘We do,’ I murmured, Rhys and I shared a secret smile at Mor’s squeal of excitement.

‘We’re not revealing anything until the baby is born.’ Rhys grinned at the sounds of disapproval from his cousin and Cassian.

‘You’re boring.’ The war General grumbled.

We all chuckled at his childish behaviour and I felt my expression soften with affection when Rhys leaned over to kiss my baby bump, murmuring words about how his uncle Cassian would always be the biggest baby in the family. Cassian grumbled louder, much to our amusement. My hand fell to Rhys hair, idly playing with the strands. He kissed my forehead and my eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of contentment that washed over me.

Home. This was home.

#ACOTAR #ACOMAF #ACOWAR #ACOSF #Rhysand x Reader

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ot3 · 3 years

Note

Wait back up explain how yjk is a trans woman. This isn’t a hostile ask I’m actually very excited about your take

I am happy to explain my take. here’s how trans woman yoo jonghyuk can still win. orv spoilers below, obviously, mostly centered around the murim arc but up through the end of the epilogues as well.

okay normally in terms of making this kind of post i’d go pull quotes directly from the text and i honestly really want to but i’m supposed to be catching up on homework today and can’t justify taking the time. anyway. i’m just gonna they/them yjh here because i’m never sure what pronouns to use when talking about a character who i think Should Come Out in the Future.

first things first, everything about being a transcender is very gendery. prominent transcenders in ORV are

- kyrgios, an incredibly beautiful man who is self conscious of his small stature

- breaking the sky sword saint namgung minyoung, who is a woman of an unusually large stature, thought by some to be monstrous, who teaches a discipline of martial arts exclusively for women.

- jang hayoung, a trans girl, who is the king of transcenders

- yoo jonghyuk.

when they talk about transcendence in orv there are two very specific things that come up repeatedly: 1. being able to overcome the natural limitations of the body and 2. defying the structure opposed onto them by the star stream system. Specifically an interesting note about that last bit is that there’s this whole thing about how transcendence can only exist because the star stream exist - it exclusively exists in opposition to the rigorous hierarchy of the star stream, which is the dominant social narrative, and has no meaning or power on it’s own.

In a text like orv’s, i don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to see ‘characters who are social outcasts attempt to gain power by forging a sense of self outside of the dominant order and overcoming the limitations of their physical body’ and read it as a metaphor for being transgender. but then, on top of that, there’s all the stuff with the punisher

everything that’s in orv is there for a reason. there is an insanely little amount of wasted space in this novel. despite how much shit that happens it’s an incredibly tight narrative. SO WHY DO WE INTRODUCE THE CONCEPT THAT YOO JONGHYUK IS STRONGEST WHEN TRANSFORMED INTO A WOMAN? obviously it’s just incredibly fun hijinks in and of itself to have yoo jonghyuk’s gender get transed, but literally all of this begs the question of “why write it so that yoo jonghyuk’s primary martial art form is something that’s supposed to only be learned by women.”

the narrative doesn’t ever really address the in-universe reasoning behind why they can actually learn it. kim dokja gives us what boils down to ‘he manage to overcome that’ without no real elaboration. jang hayoung learns breaking the sky swordsmanship as well. whatever gender-based qualification is used to allow people to learn the skill, it’s not a biological gender-essentialist one.

the punisher introduction pays off when YJH uses that appearance to win the martial arts festival, but to me that mechanical, narratively-oriented reason for its inclusion doesn’t justify it’s presence in the story in and of itself.

What really stuck out to me on the read through later was this line, from the demon king selection arc, when yjh takes the punisher’s form to combat the constellations after kim dokja has passed out.

A dazzling aura burst from Yoo Jonghyuk’s body. Soft hair poured down like a waterfall while his large size became a smaller and sleeker body. He took the form that allowed him to practice the ultimate Breaking the Sky Swordsmanship. Yoo Sangah stared at the scene from behind and couldn’t help opening her mouth. “…Yoo Jonghyuk-ssi?”

Yoo Jonghyuk slowly turned back, his long hair cut off by the Black Demon Sword. The ines of the face had changed but it was clearly Yoo Jonghyuk. No, it was even more than before.

basically, after appearing to their companions as a woman, the narrative tells us yoo jonghyuk looks more like yoo jonghyuk than before.

this reading also makes even more sense when you interpret it through the lens of how power hierarchy actually works in orv’s narrative. incarnation, constellation, and transcenders alike all gain their truest power from their stories. the Story of yoo jonghyuk as a woman is one that is, quite literally, empowering.

although we know it’s not actually true, yjh themself and kdj’s understanding and interpretation of yjh, present yjh as a person whose only goal in life is to, by any means including the sacrificing of countless human lives, some of whom he is very personally close to, gain the power to overcome the star stream. but here we have a significant power boost yjh seems to actively avoid taking advantage of. which really suggests there’s some deeper emotional issues at play here.

which brings me to my last point: i think it would just be a very fitting end for the character.

We never see yjh’s ◼️◼️ in canon. Yjh’s entire arc is about attempting to claim agency and personhood after that has been denied to them just by virtue of his very existence, and we don’t ever see this come to completion. Which i love, don’t get me wrong. I think yjh’s ◼️◼️ is something that could never be in canon, because it’d have to be something that happened to them outside of the context of the story, for meta reasons. but that’s an entirely other discussion. Anyway.

but point being this means that yjh’s sense of self is, at canon’s end, unresolved. Over the course of the epilogues we see yjh become, for the first time, a reader, and i think this is really critical. it’s kim dokja’s status as a ‘reader’ that allows him to have the greatest influence on the story. back before kim dokja seems to come to grips with jang hayoung’s gender identity, what people keep telling him is that there is ‘more than one interpretation of a story’. on a physical level, constellations and high level incarnations are composed of their stories. in orv canon the Self and the Story are for all intents and purposes, synonymous. hence the entire ending.

yjh’s story has been told and read by quite literally anyone but themself up to this point. but now, for the first time, yjh has both the space and means to self-reflect. coming out as a trans woman would be a radical reclamation of his own story, both re-reading their past and re-writing their future, and i think it’s a reading the text explicitly goes out of its way to give some support to.

also. not to mention. yjh as a woman is canonically the hottest character in all of orv. just SO sexy, guys. so extremely sexy.

#orv #omniscient reader #yoo jonghyuk #Anonymous

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haikyuuuuuhypeeeee · 3 years

Text

Ch. Fourteen

⚠WARNING: Swearing

• ────── ✾ ────── •

Waking up is painful. Physically painful, at least. You’re not ready to deal with the emotional pain from yesterday, no thank you.

You finally peel your eyes open, a true struggle considering how they were crusted together. You take in your surroundings and form the first coherent thought of the day.

This isn’t my bedroom.

Your eyes seem to be crusted shut. You sit up and realize that no, this is not your apartment, this is Osamu’s apartment. This is his bed you’re currently sitting up from, his blankets wrapped around you.

You then form your second coherent thought of the day.

His detergent smells really nice.

That thought finishes in your head before it’s slammed aside by the rush of yesterday’s memories - group therapy with your friends and Osamu, Oikawa being a complete dick to Osamu, your argument with Oikawa which resulted in Oikawa blabbing of your love for Hajime, leaving the restaurant crying, realizing you lost your keys but they’re at Osamu’s apartment, walking to Osamu’s crying…

From there it’s a bit murkier as your memories intertwined with self-deprecating thoughts and a line of thinking you rarely walk down anymore.

Last night was a night.

You do somewhat remember Osamu comforting you. Letting you know that it was okay and he was there for you.

You glance around the studio apartment, wondering where he was. Oh god, did you force him out good lord you are -

Oh, no he’s sitting on his couch with a cup of coffee.

You’re filled with guilt when you realize you monopolized his bed and completely took over his apartment. Yeah, he maybe didn’t need to sleep last night (a concept you still don’t fully understand nor approve of) but you have fully overstayed your welcome.

Grabbing your phone from the side table you tap the screen, taking in the notifications on your screen.

Shit, I never messaged Makki or Mattsun.

Your gut feels like lead as you open the group chat with the two. That was a big fuck up on your end.

Fuck, I’m such a shitty friend.

You don’t waste anytime typing out a message.

“Tea?”

You look up from your phone and are greeted with Osamu’s sleepy gaze, a mug of tea held in his hand for you. You reach for the mug, nodding slowly.

“How’re yer feel in’ this morning?” He asks as you take a sip. You shrug in response

“I’m okay. I’m sorry I just fell apart like that on you.” You say. “I wasn’t having a great night, and my emotions just kind of bled all over the place. And I’m sorry that I fell asleep.”

“Yeah, that was actually pretty funny.” Osamu smiles. “Ya just kinda passed out on my shoulder. I had to lift ya to get ya onto the bed.”

You blink, absolutely mortified. “Oh wow, I am so sorry. That’s so embarrassing.”

“Nah, it was cute.” Osamu takes a casual sip from his mug, seemingly oblivious to the flirty line he just dropped. “But ya seemed pretty upset last night, and i wasn’t gonna let ya walk home like that.” The smile drops from his face and he looks at you with concern. “If ya wanna talk about it ya can, although I don’t want to push ya. It’d be pretty dumb of me to.

“I know I’ve been pretty skeptical about openin’ up and talkin’ ‘bout my feelings, but since meetin’ ya I’ve felt better. Lighter, I guess.” He shrugs. “Ya’ve made me realize how important it is to open up.”

You look down at your tea, a small smile tugging at your lips. Your heart warms at Osamu’s words, part of you preening that you were the one who has helped Osamu, but also you feel genuine relief that Osamu wants to open up more.

“Well, let me treat you to breakfast this morning - it’s the least I can do.” You finish your tea and give Osamu a small smile. “I can tell you about yesterday if you don’t mind listening.”

Osamu smiles in return. “Sure, let me grab my stuff.” He takes the mug from your hand and shuffles into the kitchen. You sit up, stretching your arms and grabbing your phone. A few more messages have come through from Mattsun and Makki.

Uhhhhh…….

You open up your chat with Oikawa, finding hundreds of messages from him. He hasn’t sent you anything since 5am. You quickly navigate back to the chat with your other friends.

Frantic knocks, one after another, beat against Osamu’s door.

No way.

Osamu gives you a look before walking to the front door. He checks the paper hole, then turns back and looks at you with faint amusement.

“It’s for ya.”

You stand from the bed, moving into the kitchen. Regretfully, you open the door.

A distressed-looking Oikawa is the surprise visitor. He looks absolutely beside himself - his eyes are bloodshot and swollen, snot is dripping out of his nose, and his hair is messy and lackluster.

Oh dear god.

He bursts into tears when he sees you, but surprisingly doesn’t throw himself at you. He must be learning some boundaries. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Y/N-chan! I was being stupid and petty and I didn’t mean to-”

“Ok, ok c’mon. You’re going to wake up Osamu’s neighbors.” You bring the snivelling, pathetic Oikawa inside, quickly closing the door behind him. You help him get his shoes off, glancing around the Osamu. You spot him at the sink, filling a glass with water. He brings it over, giving Oikawa a nod and silently passing the water to him.

“Thank you Osamu-kun.” Oikawa gratefully takes the water and downs it before handing the empty glass back to an amused Osamu. “I plan on giving you a full apology soon, I promise.”

Osamu huffs a laugh and goes back into the kitchen. He sets the glass in the sink as you lead Oikawa through and into the living room.

“I’m so sorry,” you whisper to Osamu. “Do you want me to go?”

“Nah,” Osamu waves his hand. “I’ll get ready for breakfast in the bathroom, and give you guys some space.”

“Thank you, I’ll try to make this quick.”

“Take yer time.” Osamu smiles at you and moves to the bathroom. You turn back to Oikawa, who is watching you with regret painting all over his face.

“I’m sorry I told Makki and Mattsun that you love Hajime.” Oikawa blurts without any bite.

You think you see Osamu flinch out of the corner of your eye but when you look his way you see the bathroom door closing. You look back to Oikawa and sigh.

“Why did you say it then?”

Oikawa heaves a sigh and hangs his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to make you not hate me.”

“Oikawa, I don’t hate you.” You join him on the couch, leaning into his side. “Talk to me.”

Oikawa presses back to you and you feel his shoulders move up and down as he takes another deep breath. “I knew that uni classes and volleyball would be really really hard - but as long as we all had each other we would be fine. We smashed through high school together, so this was just another challenge.

“But when Iwa-chan died it changed everything. Obviously.” Oikawa takes a shaky breath. “But I still had you, Mattsun and Makki. I knew that we wouldn’t be the same without Iwa-chan, and classes and volleyball would be hard, but we would be friends.

“I don’t think I knew how hard everything would be. My classes suck, volleyball is a chore, and I miss Iwa-chan.” He sniffles. “I miss him so much. I feel like I don’t know who I am without him. But I had you guys, I always had my friends.

“But Mattsun and Makki are in their own world sometimes, and then you started hanging out with Osamu.” He looks at you, tears shining in his brown eyes. “I know it makes me sound like you can’t have other friends beside me, and I really don’t want to be selfish. But you were spending more time with Osamu and it hit me that you were all growing up and becoming different people.” A few tears track down his face and he sniffs. “I don’t want anything to change, I don’t want Iwa-chan to be dead, I don’t want to be a terrible person.”

Oikawa starts to cry and you don’t hesitate in pulling him into a side hug. He’s not really sobbing but you feel his pain deep in your heart. One of your hands comes up to card gently through his hair.

“I know I’ve been a piece of shit the last few months. And I can tell that you really like Osamu, even though you’ve always loved Iwa-chan. Whenever you talked about him you had this happy and bright look on your face. He makes you feel good, but you love Iwa-chan. You moving on meant change, and I hated that.” Oikawa sniffs. “But bringing Osamu to the group therapy session, which I always thought was our group’s thing, made me realize that you were changing. I was so angry, and your secret just slipped out.”

He takes a watery breath. “Isn’t it awful? I’ve been trying to drag you back down to my level, bring you back down to feel the pain that I feel, all because I’m scared. I’m a terrible, awful friend.”

“Oikawa, have you had time to go to your therapy appointments?” You ask gently.

He doesn’t answer right away, and when he gives the tiniest shake of his head you sigh.

“Honey,” you scold gently. “Why are you not going?”

“School and volleyball have taken up a lot of my time.” Oikawa mumbles, his sentence punctuated with another sniffle. “I’ve skipped so many appointments, and I’m too embarrassed to call.”

You sigh, inwardly shaking your head at your friend’s weak excuse. “I don’t want to tell you what to do, but maybe re-prioritize your responsibilities. Getting back on track with your therapy appointments should take top priority. You can talk through these feelings instead of letting them fester.”

Oikawa doesn’t answer right away, but when he does his voice is small. “But I’d probably have to quit volleyball, and that’s all I have left of Iwa-chan.” You see his hands ball into fists. “I don’t want to lose that.” His breath hitches. “I don’t know what to do.”

You let him cry on your shoulder, giving him the time to get all the tears out. You figure this is the most civil conversation you’ve had since Hajime died. The thought brings you relief but also makes you quite sad.

“You know you’re one of my best friends, right Oikawa?” You ask once he’s calmed down a bit. “You’re a diva and a trainwreck, but you’re my diva and my trainwreck.” He exhales lightly but you’re almost certain it’s in amusement. “No matter what, I’m always going to want the best for you, and I’m always gonna try my best to help you.

“But,” you feel him tense up when you continue. “You have to realize that your behavior the past few months has been really shitty. You’ve treated us all like punching bags - we get it, probably more than a lot of people could. But I’m not gonna let you treat me, or any of our friends, like it anymore.”

“I’ll be good.” Oikawa promises immediately. “I promise, I’ll do better for you and Makki and Mattsun. And me.”

“Good.” You give him a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry for yelling at you last night in the restaurant.”

“You don’t have to apologize at all.” He replies immediately. He yawns before speaking again. “Honestly, I’ve been a piece of shit for months now. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You murur. You both sit on the couch for a while longer as you try to come down from the conversation you just had. You feel like a heavy cloud that’s been floating around your head for months has cleared, and although you know Oikawa won’t magically change overnight you feel better knowing that you’ve had this hard conversation with him. Change starts with communication, and hopefully Oikawa understands now that he has the support to change.

You feel Oikawa leaning against you even further and you look at his face to see his eyes closed and mouth parted open.

“Oikawa, c’mon I don’t want you falling asleep.” You gently push him off you so you can stand and get Oikawa to stand also. His eyes are still closed and he puts nearly all of his body weight onto you.

He must not have slept all night, you think. It’s not uncommon for him to pull all nighters, a habit he picked up in high school watching game tape over and over until the sun came up. But he handles the lack of sleep gracelessly - you could prop him against a door jamb and he’d pass out no problem.

Together you move towards the front door. You’re not going to let him fall asleep here and inconvenience Osamu even more - you’ll take him back to your apartment and maybe try to catch lunch with Osamu. Now you owe him a few meals and unlimited coffee.

“Gotta apologize to Osamu-kun,” Oikawa mumbles when you lean him against the wall.

“Maybe when you’re going to fall asleep standing up, yeah?” You reply, bending down to shove his feet back in his shoes. You hear more mumblings in return but can’t make anything out of them.

As you’re getting your shoes on you hear the bathroom door open and out walks Osamu. He’s dressed and his face is composed into it’s usual blankness. Trusting that Oikawa won’t keel over, you walk over to where Osamu is reaching into his dresser for socks.

“I’m so sorry,” you say. “I have to reschedule breakfast, I have to make sure this idiot won’t sleepwalk into traffic.”

“S’alright. Didja work everything out?” Osamu asks in a measured tone.

“I think so.” Osamu’s not looking at you as he puts on his socks. Your gut twinges with guilt, realizing that he must be upset that you have to cancel breakfast. “But I think I’m gonna take him to my apartment and make sure he sleeps. Do you want to meet up for lunch or something?”

“Can’t.” His short answer makes you blink. “Meetin’ a group on campus for a class project.”

“Oh.” He’s still not meeting your gaze, and you detect a hint of gruffness in his tone. Maybe he’s upset that he has to meet with his group last minute? Or because you basically shoved him into his bathroom while you and Oikawa worked out your issues. “Dinner then? I owe you double now.”

“Probably not.” Osamu stands and gathers a few books and a notebook before shoving them into his backpack. His inability to look at you or hold a full conversation is confusing, but you don’t want to push him.

“Well let’s meet at the coffee shop tomorrow, usual time after morning classes. Sounds good?”

He hums distractedly. Your gut feels heavier and you swallow hard.

“Okay, well I’ll be off now.”

Osamu turns towards you but still doesn’t meet your eyes. “I’ll walk ya out.”

You both make the short walk to the front door. The tension in the room is heavy, unable to lighten even at the sight of Oikawa sleeping standing up. You maneuver your friend while Osamu opens the door for you. It’s a slight struggle walking out of the front door but you manage.

You look back before Osamu can close the door behind you. He’s holding the door knob and staring at the ground. “Let me know if you can do dinner tonight - if not I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You force as much cheeriness into your voice, despite the heavy weight in your chest. Finally Osamu looks at you, giving you a disinterested nod.

He closes the door as you turn to walk away. You look back quickly, catching a crestfallen look on Osamu’s face before the door fully closes.

• ────── ✾ ────── •

A/N: So when I originally thought about this story, I wanted to think about how different people deal with grief. And what I wanted to explore was 1.) is there a limit to how people will grieve? And 2.) can someone grieving push that limit? From the get-go Oikawa has seemingly pushed the limit of what some of you believed, and yet Y/N was still hesitant to call him out. And I loved hearing what everyone had to say about Oikawa - some were willing to give him a pass, and some were NOT happy with him. Now, just because someone is grieving, it does NOT give them a free pass to behave inappropriately or do serious harm to those around them. But I think it’s important to note that what may seem absolutely insane to one person is tolerable to another. And what it comes down to is how the person who is directly affected by another’s actions wants to address those actions (sorry if this is confusing.) Oikawa was treating Y/N and their friends like shit. In the story it was because Oikawa was not taking the necessary actions to keep himself mentally healthy. In Y/N’s eyes, if there is a desire to be better, and appropriate actions are taken to be better, then Oikawa deserves to be forgiven. I have absolutely LOVED reading everyone’s reactions and hearing their opinions on Oikawa’s slowly deteriorating behavior, thank you for sending them in! And just because how Y/N has reacted to Oikawa’s behavior it does not mean there is a right/wrong way! Everyone has different life experiences and different relationships that guide their decision-making! And that’s totally okay! (This obviously applies to non-threatening and morally & ethically right behavior.) And WOOF thank you for getting this far in the A/N’s, this was a LOT! Gold stars for everyone!! 🌟🌟🌟

Taglist Open! Please send an Ask with the request to be added to It’s [Not] Okay Fic & SMAU: @psycho-nightrose @camcam1617 @kamalymaly @toobsessedsstuff @shookykookie30 @roro-707 @qualitygiantshoepsychic @cerealfrdinner797 @ara-mitsue @gray-444 @tanakasimpcorner @rintarovibes @jellien @everytimeswift @bongofrito @babucrow @beidouluvr @kozuken-ma @imarriedachef

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batmansymbol · 3 years

Text

fellow ADHD/chronic sleep issue friends: try SleepTown

Hey everybody! Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to spread the good word of this app, which has actually, legitimately changed my life. (this post isn’t sponsored lmao i wish)

I’ve had sleep problems for half my life. Around 8th grade, I lost the ability to make myself shut down for the night. I’d sit in front of devices, wanting to stop working or studying or messing around on the internet, but I couldn’t make myself. This was about ten years before I learned what “executive dysfunction” was, and about 13 years before I got diagnosed with ADHD, go figure.

So, when I was a student, I’d pass out at 4 AM, then wake up every morning feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. It was a running joke in college how I would sleep in public places, trying to snatch 15-minute naps here and there because of exhaustion.

After college, it got worse. I’m self-employed, so I stopped waking up in the morning at all. I worked until later and later times, until 3, 5, 7 AM. I woke up at 2 PM, then 4, then 6. Eventually, fully nocturnal and trying to reset my inner clock, I’d pull all-nighters and try to stay awake through the following days. Then I’d pass out for 14 hours, after being awake for 30 hours straight. Rinse, repeat, for years.

Due to sleep issues, I have: nearly driven off the road in high school, dropped classes in college, fallen into depressive episodes, developed a Vitamin D deficiency, gone days without eating, and lost friendships due to self-isolation. It’s been a blast!

I tried so many things to fix the constant grogginess, fatigue, and messed-up schedule. I tried a sleep study at the hospital, repeated blood tests to check for hypothyroid or anemia etc., melatonin, Zzzquil/other sleeping pills, the “multiple non-phone alarm clocks” strategy, a light-emitting alarm clock, and about six different apps, including that one that makes you solve math problems to shut the alarm off.

There’s one called Sleep Cycle that’s pretty good at what it does - it helped me feel less groggy when I woke up - but within a few days of starting it, I was back on my bullshit.

Then, about a month and a half ago, I downloaded an app called SleepTown. It costs two dollars. The concept: you set a goal for your nightly sleep parameters (mine is 12:15 PM to 8:45 AM). Before you go to bed, you hit the Sleep button.

After you hit Sleep, a construction site pops up and begins to build a cute cartoon building like the one above! If you leave the app after pressing Sleep, or if you don’t press Sleep before your bedtime, then the building is destroyed, leaving a sad-looking demolition project :(

So, you have to leave your phone alone. The next morning, the alarm goes off as scheduled. When you press “Wake Up,” and shake the phone for a minute to prove you are awake, the cute cartoon building will be completed and added to your Sleep Town! This is mine so far:

The app has various game-like features. You don’t know which building you’re going to get every night, so when you wake up, it’s like unwrapping a present. There are dozens of cute buildings to unlock, and achievement badges like building every kind of tent. Every seven days you meet your goal, you get a red ticket to help unlock a rare building (like the red-roofed library in the picture above).

There’s also a simple social feature. The pyramid in the pic is from me being in a Sleep Circle with a friend, meaning we have the same bedtime goals. This would be especially good for a couple who’s trying to get more regular sleep.

Despite the gamelike feel, though, it’s not an addictive app. It’s not designed to keep you fiddling around with it all the time and waste more time on your phone. It’s just gamelike enough to create a really good carrot/stick balance. Most sleep-related apps are only the stick, featuring louder or more relentless alarms - but that doesn’t make you excited to go to sleep on time.

This app makes sleeping feel like a fun, purposeful activity. I want to see which building I get, and it makes me really happy to see this town that I’ve been constructing through taking care of myself. And I don’t want to “let down” a building by destroying it.

It’s borderline ridiculous how dramatically my entire life has changed. Excepting a couple times I’ve stayed up for a social situation, I haven’t been awake past 1 a.m. for six weeks. I cannot believe how good I feel. I eat regularly. I have a meal plan and a calendar. I have hobbies and a work-life balance and I stick to (virtual, covid-responsible) hangouts that I make with friends.

It’s not totally failsafe. You CAN lie to the app and press “Sleep” while continuing to do things (except your phone, which will be locked down). I tried to do this a couple times. But I wound up feeling guilty about lying, because it felt stupid to want this little reward when I hadn’t actually met my goals.

In the same way, you CAN technically hit “Wake Up” and go back to sleep, but the shake-awake feature helps with that. I’d like it if they added something even more aggressive, like a step counter or something that won’t count you as Woken Up until you’ve taken 20 steps around your house or similar.

As it is, though -- I'm still groggy when I wake up at 8:45, but 1) keeping a regular schedule has lessened the grogginess and 2) when I wake up, I know for a fact I’ve gotten 7-8 hours of sleep the night before and I’ll feel fine in half an hour. So, in order to push past the groggy phase, I usually play a few chess puzzles on my phone or do a crossword, and by then I’m awake enough to get up.

I doubt this app will work for everyone, but I wanted to share it in case there is anyone else out there like me. Hope y’all are hanging in there, and happy sleeping :)

#adhd #sleep #executive dysfunction #feel free to reblog to potentially help ur sleep deprived friends!!!!!!!!!!#long post #looooong post #personal #about me

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epitheterasedgen · 3 years

Text

heck it. self-indulgence time.

✨EE aspec headcanons✨

(obviously, romance mentions below! a few of the characters are Token Allos (TM))

Molly: the aroace kid who's always like "yeah I don't really get romance but I guess I'll get it when I'm older" and keeps saying that until she's almost 30 and finally someone's like "wow you've never dated before?! are you aro/ace?" and she's like "oh huh I guess I probably am" and then it's never a big deal again

she's also super grossed out by the concept of sex, even well into adulthood, which is Yet Another Reason why it is absolutely perfect for Percy to adopt her because it's just a topic that Never comes up in their household

Sylvie: honestly the only character I don't have a solid grasp on in terms of attraction, though I HC swap!Sylvie as alloaro so I guess canon Sylvie is probably the same, it's just not relevant yet since he's young and a late bloomer in terms of hormones. plus he's just focused on his work more than anything else

Gio: I fear what Jello is going to do to him in the future, bc this boy gives off the MOST oblivious aromantic vibes EVER and I know Jello's track record. but listen idc what happens in canon, Giovanni's dream future is to live with all his Boys as platonic housemates and he has no idea he's aro because romance literally isn't something he even THINKS about. he's probably also ace with the same reasoning

Mera: my Token Allo (TM). she's a die-hard hopeless romantic and moronsexual, but that's not really headcanon that's just canon I mean cmon—

Indus: it took me a stupidly long time to realize that my interpretation of Indus is just "romance-positive partnering aro" because that's not a genre I dip into a lot but it sure fits him. he doesn't really! understand romance?? or actually feel "romantic" attraction. but he likes Lady Mera and he'd do anything to make her happy! :D so if she wants him to bring her flowers and a candlelit dinner, he'll do it!! she just better be prepared for him to pick a bunch of dandelion weeds and accidentally set the table on fire

...actually now that I'm typing this out, it explains why Mera/Indus bothers me so much less than other ships aghasdkflgh

Percy: realistically she's just the Oblivious Aroace (TM) along with Giovanni. same as Gio she has no idea she's aroace because it's just not even something she Thinks about, but if someone gave her a vocabulary lesson she'd be like "oh yes that fits me :)" and continue to not perceive romantic advancements even if they hit her in the face. she's already married to JUSTICE, sorry everyone <3

(I portray her as more apothiromantic/romance-repulsed on my RP blog but that's just because projecting onto Percy is cheaper than therapy)

Ramsey: ok highkey my headcanons on Ramsey shift depending on the AU (don't ask how many AUs I have hahaha) but normally he falls somewhere in the range of "allo ally" who Knows All The Terms (from spending so much time online) and is probably the person who gives Percy a vocabulary lesson despite being allo himself

Zora: as much as I'd LOVE to see an aspec Zora, I think she'd look and act a bit different from canon Zora. I swear I didn't mean to make both main antagonists the Token Allos, but they're also the ones most fans want to date so y'know what, whatever. I personally think cowboys are overrated but y'all go crazy

Howie: CANON AROACE KING... specifically I imagine him as anti-romance, not because it repulses him, but because all that time you waste on "love" could be used for DOING YOUR JOB!!! (in a serious setting I'd say Howie isn't ideal aro rep bc he embodies a lot of negative stereotypes about aros, but EE is a comedy and people need to lighten up about the fact that EVERYONE is gonna have weirdly exaggerated personality traits; the show literally wouldn't be funny if they didn't; seriously guys leave Jello alone about the rep)

Meryl: ok she's not in EE but this is MY blog and I pick the comfort characters! anyway Meryl experiences a lot of alterous attraction AKA she has trouble distinguishing between very different forms of attraction (platonic/romantic/sensual/sexual/ect.) and they all just sorta blur together into one big Anxious Mess (TM). as opposed to Percy and Gio, she spends a LOT of time thinking about this and trying to figure out What she's feeling, but it never helps and at this point she's pretty much given up trying. she just needs a hug ok

in various AUs I've put her in romantic, platonic, QPP, and co-parental relationships, and she's pretty much happy with whatever :)

Eros: I feel the need to include him because I included Meryl, also bc while he is allo as heck and has definitely dated in the past, he's also just a super uplifting guy who uses flirting as a form of affection and to make people feel good. he's one of those "somehow weirdly pure" characters because he's so unabashed about everything and most of his flirting is sphallolalia, which is one of my new favorite words I just learned and means "flirting that leads nowhere." he also just has a deep appreciation for a good laugh, and a lot of his joke wells are pickup lines!

#aspec headcanons #hmmm do I tag this with anything else?#nah

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kittyprincessofcats · 3 years

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I love both shows (Spop and Su) but I wanted to ask about some things you’ve said:

“Can’t believe “It’s okay for fans to be disappointed when oppressive dictators who’ve murdered millions and have tried to kill the protagonists before get forgiven without having to face consequences” is a so hard to understand for some people, but here we are”

“So did Steven Univerae end with the Diamonds in prison where they should be, or did I do well to stop watching when I did?”

With that logic can’t the very same thing be said and applied to She ra regarding Catra?

“So did She ra end with Catra in prison where she should be, or did I do well to stop watching when I did?”

Hi there. First of all, I want to say sorry for taking so long answer this. January’s been a very busy month for me and I literally just didn’t have the time to write the kind of reply I think this ask deserves.

Next, I want to make a few things clear just so we’re on the same page:

I love both shows as well and nothing I’m about to say is intended to be seen as hate against Steven Universe. SU meant a lot to me and I was a big fan of it for many years. Change Your Mind disappointed me a lot as an episode and as a finale, precisely because I didn’t want the Diamonds to get any sort of redemption, but just because it was a dealbreaker for *me*, that doesn’t mean I harbor any ill feelings towards the fans or writers of the show. None of this is meant to be a personal attack against anyone who worked on this show or likes it.

I stopped watching SU after CYM, so this post will ignore anything beyond that. I have not seen the SU movie or Steven Universe Future and I don’t intend to. Please don’t try to convince me otherwise. I’m not comfortable watching more.

I wrote the posts you quoted because I got quite a few rude messages after I said I didn’t like Change Your Mind and that I don’t want to keep watching SU. The first one was a response to people who were giving me a hard time for not liking the Diamond redemption – it wasn’t me saying that /no one/ should like it, just that my feelings on it were valid as well and people shouldn’t badger me about it.

In that sense, YES you could say the same thing about Catra! If someone wanted to stop watching SPOP because Catra’s redemption made them uncomfortable (maybe because they knew someone like her in real life or something similar), that’d be absolutely fine! I’d never send them the kind of messages I got or try to pressure them into continuing a show they’re not comfortable continuing. Because respecting real people is more important than a show or a fictional character.

I’ll be honest: I’m a little tired of justifying my feelings about the SU finale to people. But I believe you’re asking out of genuine curiosity and I haven’t made too many posts defending Catra yet, so I’ll try to analyze this step by step for you – and anyone else who might be curious.

So, without further ado: Here’s my essay on why Catra’s redemption works for me but the Diamonds’ doesn’t.

Short explanation: Because if you compare the scale of their actions, their motivations, what’s supposed to make them sympathetic to the audience, their build-up, and how their respective redemptions are handled, then the Diamonds aren’t an equivalent to Catra – they’re an equivalent to Horde Prime. And if SPOP had suddenly redeemed Horde Prime at the last minute after building him up as the big bad, I wouldn’t have liked that either.

Long (very long) explanation under the cut

Okay, let’s get into this in detail.

1. The scale of their actions

Let’s look at the evil stuff these characters have done first.

The Diamonds: Created an intergalactic empire, conquered millions of planets (destroying all life of them in the process) for millions of years, created a strict caste system in which all gems only have one function to follow and where Pearls are essentially slaves who have to obey every order, persecute and send shattering robonoids after gems that don’t fit into the system or fuse outside of their caste (off-colors), created a human zoo and kidnapped people for it, shattered anyone who wasn’t loyal to them, bubbled all the Rose Quartzes, created the Cluster and the other fusion experiments out of the shards of their fallen enemies (essentially torturing them for all eternity), corrupted all the gems on Earth, including those that were loyal to them. And that’s just what we get told upfront in the show. We’re talking about intergalactic dictators with no respect for life who will ruthlessly kill anyone who gets in their way.

Catra: Helped Hordak conquer one (1) planet. Bad, yes – but not nearly on the same scale as devoting eons to conquering entire galaxies. Also, Catra isn’t the one who founded the Horde in the first place; she just happened to grow up there (likely because she was taken from her real home as a baby) and was raised with their ideals. The Diamonds, on the other hand *are* the people who started their empire.

So yeah, the Diamonds aren’t Catra – they’re Horde Prime. He’s the one who founded the intergalactic Horde and destroyed millions of planets. (There’s even a whole parallel about how both Horde Prime and White Diamond think they’re perfect and everyone should be like them…)

Now, you could argue that Catra opening the portal was a crime on a larger scale. But even that would have likely only destroyed Etheria – one planet, not millions. The scale we’re talking about is still way smaller than Horde Prime’s or the Diamonds’ actions.

Catra’s other “crimes” in the show are things like being a toxic friend, manipulating and lying to people. Those are things I’m going to ignore for this post, since you specifically asked if Catra shouldn’t be in prison for her crimes. Being a toxic friend is bad and all, but it’s not actually something illegal that you can get thrown in jail for, so it’s irrelevant for this discussion. And it still wouldn’t be on the scale of the Diamonds, who, let me repeat, have destroyed countless galaxies.

2. Motivations for their actions

“But what about *why* they did all of those things? Isn’t that relevant?” It is, and I’m glad you asked. Let’s have a look.

Catra: Catra grew up in the Horde through no fault of her own and was mistreated and abused her whole life to the point where survival and safety became her primary motivations. She was treated as second best to Adora, filling her with a desire to prove herself. She got told as a child that she’s only worth “keeping around” if Adora values her, so she tied her self-worth to Adora’s approval. She feels betrayed when Adora leaves the Horde, because she interprets it as Adora caring more about strangers than about her. She stays with the Horde because they’re the devil she knows, because she wants to prove herself and because she’s hurt about the only person who ever showed her kindness leaving her. She grew up without a proper parental figure and without ever learning what healthy relationships are supposed to work like, so it’s understandable why she has no concept of it. She opens the portal because she sees her abuser working with (and seemingly being accepted by) her enemies and that knowledge makes her feel powerless to the point where she’d do anything to get back at them. She’s been abused and victimized her entire life and all of her actions are a direct result of that. Catra thinks that if she gains enough power, it’ll finally give her the safety and approval she craves.

In general, Catra’s story always makes it clear that she’s a victim of physical and emotional abuse who never learned what healthy relationships are supposed to look like and who’s lashing out in the only way she knows how. Some people might disagree on this, but I personally never had a point in the show where I couldn’t relate to her or couldn’t understand why she’s doing a certain thing. SPOP did a brilliant job of making sure that even at her lowest point, Catra’s actions are still understandable when you think from her point of view.

The Diamonds: … Uhm yeah, I’m drawing a blank here. Unless there’s some explanation in the movie or SU Future, we never actually learn why they did any of what they did. We get an explanation for some of their deeds – that they created the zoo because they thought Pink wanted it, that they corrupted the gems as revenge for Pink’s supposed death – but what the show never goes into is the real problem: Why they’re dictators in the first place. Why they consider themselves superior to other gems. Why they shatter anyone who doesn’t fit it, etc. They’re just dictators… because they’re dictators. We never get to understand their motivations.

And just to be clear – I think that in itself is perfectly fine. I don’t think SU should have had to give us any more explanation than that. SPOP also never explains why Horde Prime conquers other planets in the first place. He just does it because he’s evil and power-hungry and the show needs an antagonist. I think not giving a villain a deeper motivation is fine – if you’re not planning to redeem them.

3. What makes them sympathetic

Catra: I pretty much explained this already. We’re told from season 1 that Catra was abused by Shadow Weaver, that Adora was the only person who cared about her, that she was always treated like she was second-best. Heck, there’s an entire backstory episode just about everything Catra’s been through. We’re meant to feel bad for her, even when she’s evil. We’re meant to cheer for her when she stands up to Shadow Weaver and defeats her. We’re meant to feel for her when Shadow Weaver stabs her in the back and Hordak sends her to the Crimson Waste. Her entire breakdown is meant to be tragic and engaging. When you’ve watched a character suffer so much through no/little fault of their own, when you’ve watched them stand up to bigger villains in a way that makes you root for them, it makes sense that you want them to eventually get their happy ending.

The Diamonds: I realize in retrospect that the writers probably meant for us to feel bad for the Diamonds, too. Like when they’re grieving Pink, during What’s the Use of Feeling, Blue?, or when they complain how stressed they are in Change Your Mind. But the thing is… it just didn’t work for me. After the show spent all that time showing us all the death, despair, and destructions the Diamonds had caused, after it was made clear that the Crystal Gems had lost multiple friends and allies to them, it just didn’t make me feel sympathetic that the diamonds had lost one (1) person. So what if someone shattered Pink for being a dictator? The Diamonds themselves have shattered millions of gems and now that it’s someone they care about I was suddenly meant to feel bad for them? I didn’t.

When That Will Be All first aired, I loved What’s the Use of Feeling, Blue? – because I thought the show was doing this brilliant thing where they show that evil people can still have loved ones and have feelings but that doesn’t make them less evil. Every horrible person in history had feelings and loved ones. That doesn’t excuse their actions. In retrospect I find it disappointing to know that we were meant start feeling bad for the Diamonds due to their grief for Pink, that we were meant to see Pink/Rose as the evil one for starting a rebellion against them, that we were supposed to believe Bismuth was in the wrong. Rebelling against a dictatorship is a good thing. Standing up for equality is a good thing. I don’t like that the show suddenly tried to spread this message that conflict is always bad even when you’re actively fighting against tyranny and oppression. What happened to the Crystal Gems and their cause? What happened to the Steven from season 1 who reassured Lapis that “They’re mean, and that’s why we *have to* fight them”? And no, the “but being a dictator is so stressful, please feel bad for us” part didn’t work for me either.

4. A well-written redemption arc

For a well-written redemption arc, a character needs to actually regret what they’ve done and realize they were wrong. Then they need to put in the effort to be better from now. They need to… actually change. And then they need to do things that make up for their actions.

Catra: We get to see Catra go through an amazing character arc that culminates in her redemption and her eventual love-confession to Adora. The entire arc that was built for her over 5 seasons leads up to that moment and it’s so satisfying when it finally happens because it makes sense. We get to see her make big mistakes, get to see how she finally even scares Scorpia away, how Scorpia leaving breaks her, how Double Trouble gives her a harsh but needed lecture, how she understands that she and Glimmer aren’t so different, how she finally remembers Adora and decides to save her. We see her regret her actions as early as season 1, when she feels visibly bad after leaving Adora on the cliff in the temple. In season 4, she has nightmares about Entrapta and feels guilty for what she did to her and for opening the portal.

And from the moment she decides to change, she’s willing to make huge personal sacrifices to make up for her actions: She sacrifices herself to save Glimmer, gets tortured, mind-controlled and nearly dies in the process. The heroes saving her doesn’t come from nowhere and their forgiveness is well-earned because she was willing to put herself on the line to save someone else. She then keeps helping the heroes, apologizes to everyone she’s hurt, is again willing to sacrifice herself for Adora in the finale, and finally saves the entire universe from Horde Prime by staying with Adora and confessing her love to her. If we’re trying to be realistic about this – I’d say saving the whole universe from an intergalactic dictator would at least dramatically shorten her prison sentence? So no, I don’t think Catra should have ended up in prison.

The Diamonds: So the thing about their redemption arc is… they don’t really have one. We’re just kind of meant to forgive them out of the blue. Steven and the Crystal Gems ask the Diamonds for help to cure the corrupted gems and they manage to convince them, but there’s never any point where the Diamonds regret their actions. They only start to regret their actions towards Steven and Pink, but there’s never even an ounce of regret for what they did to anyone else. The Cluster? The deaths? The millions of destroyed planets and civilization? The humans and Rose Quartzes in the zoo? The presumably thousands of off-colors fighting for their lives underground on homeworld every second? That’s all swept under the rug in the finale. And therefore, the Diamonds can’t even get to the point where they make sacrifices for someone else or do anything that would lead me to forgive them, because they’re not even at a point where they realize they’ve done anything wrong. The show treats them like they’re redeemed in the end, but they’re not. Everything they’ve done just gets ignored.

5. Being held accountable for their actions

Another thing that’s important for redemption arcs is that the heroes don’t just ignore what a character has done and act like it never happened.

Catra: SPOP never shies away from admitting that Catra has done bad things. Even after her heroic sacrifice, the other characters don’t just all forgive Catra at once. Adora still calls her out when she’s being selfish, some of other princesses are resentful towards her, Frosta punches her in the face, etc. One heroic sacrifice isn’t enough: You see Catra constantly working on herself afterwards and doing what she can to become a better person and make up for her actions. And most importantly, those actions are addressed in the show. (Arguably they could have addressed what happened to Angella again, but overall Catra’s actions get acknowledged in the show.)

The Diamonds: My other big problem with SU suddenly acting like the Diamonds are redeemed is that their actions never get addressed. People act like when I say I wanted the Diamonds to be held accountable that means I wanted Steven to shatter them in cold blood – no, I just wanted Steven to at least *say* that what they’re doing is wrong. Like I said, all of their actions other than corrupting gems and treating Steven & Pink badly completely get swept under the rug in Change Your Mind. It’s like we’re meant to assume that everything else will be fine now just because Steven managed to convince the Diamonds to do one (1) thing for him. What will happen to their colonies now? What about the humans and Rose Quartzes in the zoo? What about all the off-colors fighting for their lives underground on homeworld? What about the enslaved Pearls and the class system? None of that ever gets addressed in the finale – we’re just supposed to take that happy ending at face value and believe that all the other stuff will get fixed now, even though the show never says that!

(Before you tell me how any of that gets addressed in the movie or in Steven Universe Future – I don’t care. SU Future is a new show that takes place after a timeskip. The movie is also a separate thing. SU should make sense as a show on its own and it doesn’t. Change Your Mind was presented as a finale and therefore should wrap up the most important plots and it didn’t.)

For all we know after watching CYM, Steven doesn’t actually care about anything the Diamonds have done. He’s sitting on their shoulders and laughing with them in the end and we’re meant to take that as a happy ending. For all we know, there’s still an oppressive class system and gems getting shattered for not fitting into it on homeworld. The Cluster’s still suffering. The Pearls are still slaves. The Diamonds are still dictators and that aspect never changed – because it’s never addressed. When White Pearl regains consciousness, Steven says “Welcome Back”, but nothing in this episode ever implies that she’s not still WD’s slave. When Lars and the Off-colors arrive on Earth, the fact that they’re terrified of the Diamonds is played for laughs. The finale revolves only around Steven’s feelings while Garnet and Pearl never get a moment of standing up to the people who hurt them.

“But Steven needed the Diamonds’ help the heal the corrupted gems!”

Yes, that’s the in-universe explanation. But a writer still invented that rule. And even so, they could have added a scene where Steven takes the Crystal Gems aside and tells them “Hey, I know these people killed many of your friends, enslaved and persecuted you, but I just want you to know that I don’t actually like them or consider them family and I’m only doing this to help the corrupted gems. You’re my real family.”

6. Identifying with their victims

I don’t remember who made that post, but there was a post on Tumblr somewhere that said that how likely someone is to forgive a villain often depends on how much they identify with the people that villain has hurt. And if I’m being very honest, that’s what a lot of my hate for the Diamonds boils down to:

The Diamonds don’t appear in Steven Universe until way later in the show. The way we first learn about them is indirect. We know the Crystal Gems fought a war against someone and are hiding on Earth from someone, but that someone doesn’t get a face until way later. By that point, we’ve already been told that fusions like Garnet are illegal on homeworld, that Pearls are considered lesser gems, and that Amethyst would be defective by homeworld’s standards. And all of those things made me personally sympathize with the Crystal Gems and their found family of misfits – and it made me angry at whoever did all of this to them. You can easily read the discrimination Ruby and Sapphire faced for their relationship as a metaphor for homophobia or prejudice against interracial relationships, the discrimination Pearl faces as racism or classism and how Amethyst is treated as ableism.

(Getting personal here for a moment: I’m gay and my parents are from a homophobic country that’s run by a dictator, so I strongly identified with Garnet and how she can’t go back to homeworld because she wouldn’t be allowed to exist as her true self there. Am I maybe reading too much into the show there? Yeah. But honestly, if the Diamonds’ redemption relies on people not identifying with the Crystal Gems – aka the literal protagonists of the show – too much, then maybe it’s just not a good idea. Yeah, maybe if I hadn’t identified with the CGs so strongly, I wouldn’t have minded the Diamond redemption – but it also means I’d have never loved SU as much in the first place.)

What I’m saying is that we first learn about the Diamonds from the point of view of the people they oppressed, persecuted, and tried to kill. We also meet the off-colors and learn about their plight, how they had to spend eons hiding from robots that want to kill them, how they believe the way they are is wrong, etc. We see the Cluster, the people in the zoo etc. and get told the Diamonds did all of this. And then Change Your Mind expects us to suddenly randomly forgive them with no build-up and be okay with Steven calling them “family” over the actual people who raised him.

Catra, on the other hand, is first introduced to us as Adora’s best friend. We get to meet her from the point of view of the protagonist who obviously loves her. Throughout their separation and their struggle, the relationship between these two characters drives the show. Their episodes together are emotional and well-written and make the audience root for them to eventually find their way back together again. We meet her as an abuse-victim who thinks her best friend left her, and we get so many reasons to sympathize with her before she ever hurts anyone.

(And yeah, it helps that the show never lets us personally meet any of the people from the lands she conquered. Yes, we feel bad for Scorpia and all that – but again, being a toxic friend isn’t actually a crime. And yes, we feel bad for Entrapta - but so does Catra, and Entrapta ends up being fine and forgiving her.)

7. A satisfying ending for a show

This is more general, but SU didn’t have a satisfying conclusion imo, because almost none of the things that needed fixing were ever addressed. We’re meant to take “but the Diamonds say please and thank you now” as a good conclusion without getting to the part where they murder people every day. For all we know, Steven doesn’t even care about that part because the writers never made him act like he does.

And yes, I realize that the Diamonds are meant to be a metaphor for a conservative family that finally learns to accept their queer child (Steven), but that metaphor just didn’t work for me (a queer child of an unaccepting family) at all. Because they’re not presented as an unaccepting family: The show spent 4 seasons building them up as dictators and the ultimate big bad, only to drop the “they’re related to Steven” thing in there last minute and sweep the other stuff under the rug. We’ve also spent 5 seasons seeing the Crystal Gems, the people who literally raised him, as Steven’s family, so suddenly giving that title to their oppressors feels super wrong to me.

To give you a comparison, imagine the following ending for She-Ra: Near the end of season 5, Adora suddenly finds out she’s Horde Prime’s long-lost granddaughter. After calling him out for treating her/her parents badly, he finally regrets that part of his actions and promises to leave Etheria alone so Adora and her friends can live there in peace. However, he’s still going to conquer and destroy the rest of the universe and keep Hordak and the other clones mind-controlled. Adora is fine with this and you see her and Horde Prime laughing together in the end. Catra and all the other people Horde Prime chipped and tortured are seen being okay with him now because as long as Adora, the main character, is happy all the hurt Horde Prime caused anyone else doesn’t matter. When the Star Siblings show up on Etheria while fleeing from the Horde army, the fact that they’re scared of Horde Prime is played for laughs. The End.

… Sounds pretty stupid, doesn’t it? I’m glad SPOP had the guts to just let Adora kill Horde Prime instead. Because some people are not redeemable, and that’s an important lesson, too.

Anyways, I’ve been rambling for too long. The bottom line is: The Diamonds are way more comparable to Horde Prime than to Catra. The scale of their actions is the same as that of Horde Prime, their motivations are never explained, we never get any reasons to sympathize with them, the main characters have all been victims of their regime, their redemption arc is nonexistent, they never get called out for their actions and the way their story is concluded is just badly written and leaves way too many factors unaddressed. They get forgiven without ever even being sorry and the Crystal Gems never get a moment to shine and stand up to them. So yes, I consider them irredeemable and was disappointed the show didn’t end with them getting imprisoned at least. (I was kind of hoping for a Homeworld revolution where everyone finally stands up to them, but… *sigh*.) If the show was going to redeem them, they should have at least done it properly by actually showing them have a change of heart and making them try to make up for their actions, instead of letting us assume that all happened off-screen.

Catra on the other hand gets presented as someone to root for from the beginning. She’s only in the Horde due to unfortunate circumstances, got abused and mistreated her whole life, is motivated by a desperate attempt to prove herself and make sure she doesn’t get hurt again, and never committed crimes on the same scale as the Diamonds. Her change of heart is believable and what her arc has been building up to for 4 seasons, she makes great personal sacrifices for Glimmer and Adora, gets held accountable for her actions, helps save the entire universe and is a character who has already suffered her entire life – so yes, I strongly believe that she deserves to live a happy, free, and peaceful life after the show.

#spop #Catra #SU critical #redemption arcs #writing #... do I really dare to post in the 'su critical' tag again? yeah let's do it #just to be clear again - this is CRITICISM not hate #long post #... wow this really got long #replies to people #noideahowtocallmyblog

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nelllraiser · 3 years

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of the same blood | luce & nell (ft. ???)

SUGGESTED LISTENING: if i go, im goin’ & deep end. TIMING: the night of beltane, following these. ( 1 ) ( 2 ) LOCATION: the vural home. PARTIES: @divineluce and @nelllraiser. SUMMARY: the sisters remember that they don’t always have to do things alone. CONTAINS: sibling death mentions, sibling death grief.

Hair still damp from the shower, Luce made her way to the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. The house was quiet, though it was almost always quiet now. Ever since Bea had gone to New York with Felix, the house felt empty without her presence. Just like it had felt nearly a year ago. Fuck. A year ago. A year ago, she’d been… she’d been at the Beltane ritual with Nell. They’d watched August fall, she’d held her flames to his face, threatened him. She should have killed him, she’d done the right thing. She’d hesitated, she’d shown mercy. No. No, no, no. What was done was done. She couldn’t go over the what if’s, not any more. Shutting the refrigerator, Luce grabbed a glass from the cupboard and the whiskey from the bar. She wanted something stronger than beer. Popping the cap off, Luce poured herself a generous glass of whiskey and took a long sip. She leaned against the kitchen island, hands cradling the glass. What’s done was done. The past was behind her. Life went on. Life went on. But the echoes of the past still remained.

Nell had stayed in her tree until the flames of the coven’s fires had turned to ash, and every spellcaster had left the clearing empty. A desperate part of her had wanted to go up to where the bonfires had been burning— to touch the ash and see if it was still warm. But at least she’d had enough self-respect to prevent herself from doing so, taking the long route home instead. She hadn’t yet realized that the cinders of the fires had flown up into her roost in the branches, leaving a few smudges on her face as she walked through the door and into Luce’s party of one. The sight of whiskey was a welcome one, and the younger sister wasted no time in grabbing herself a glass before leaning next to Luce. “Are you going to share?” She didn’t want to think of the past anymore tonight, but as she looked at the liquor in Luce’s hand she couldn’t help but remember the memorial drinks they’d raised to Bea nearly a year ago. Could this be the same bottle of liquor? No, she was pretty sure Luce had downed the rest of that spirit when she’d gone out to set the trees ablaze.

The smell of smoke was what caught Luce’s attention, moreso than the sound of the door opening or even the sight of her younger sister walking in. It was the familiar scent of fire, fueled by magical intent. It was the scent of home. Of family. Had Nell been to the coven? She couldn’t have been there, there was no way. The excommunication had fallen like an iron curtain between them and the rest of the coven, final and unyielding. “Nope.” Luce said as she poured Nell a glass of whiskey. “Ice?” She asked, sipping again from her own glass. The whiskey burned, hot and familiar, but not in the way that she wished to burn. She wanted her fire back. She wanted her life back. But that was never going to happen. “So, what have you been up to?” She asked, wiping at her own forehead purposefully.

Nell’s eyes rolled in response to Luce’s brief answer, though she wasn’t surprised in the least. It wasn’t as if she’d expected her sister to have suddenly become the waitress of her dreams, despite Nell’s best efforts to make her one ever since she could string a sentence together. Still, there was whiskey in her glass, so Nell was happy. Or...as happy as she could be after witnessing a scene she wanted both to be a part of, yet have nothing to do with. “Yes, ice.” Hopefully the chill of it would wake her up a little in addition to the sting of the whiskey, bringing some life back into the numbness that had set into her bones on the walk home. A brief look of confusion settled on Nell’s face as she mindlessly mirrored Luce’s motion, taking the hint as she rubbed her own hand across her forehead. When it came away with a smudge of black she knew she’d been caught. A sigh later and she was taking a long drink of her glass before answering. “Oh you know- just sitting in trees in the forest.” She knew the answer wasn’t the one her sister was looking for, nor one Luce would accept. “I just went out to see Beltane or whatever. Mom sends her love,” she finished sarcastically, an age old shield from the true weight of the words.

Turning to the freezer, Luce grabbed a few cubes from the ice box and dropped them into the bottom of Nell’s cup, careful to set them in before they could melt against her skin. She stared at the amber liquid in her glass, thinking about drinking from the same glasses last year. That night, that terrible fucking night when she’d learned that Bea was dead. The night that she had learned that someone had killed her sister without a second thought. And she’d tried to drown the ache in her heart with whiskey, to burn it from her soul with fire. It hadn’t worked. None of it had worked. Even now, even with Bea returned to the world, she still couldn’t shake the hollow sense of loss. Particularly not on days like this, when she remembered just how different life had been one short year ago.

Luce raised an eyebrow skeptically at Nell’s words, but the expression shifted to shock when she admitted to what she’d been doing. “You went to the ritual?” She repeated. “Nell…” Why had she done that? If she’d been caught, the consequences would have been severe-- they were exiled from the coven, banished for practicing necromancy. What would she have had to gain by going and risking her neck like that? “Why’d you go?” She asked.

Bea was in the living world once again, but her ghost was one that still constantly haunted the sisters, forcing Nell to live her future as if she were doing it from the past. Almost a year ago she’d barely been able to come into the kitchen let alone stand in it to have a whiskey along with Luce. It had been Bea’s place, it was still her place even as the eldest sister was off in New York along with Felix, hopefully living her new life to the fullest. But it was nights like these that made it hard to remind herself that Bea was still alive when she wasn’t here in the flesh to remind Nell. The witch looked to the scars on her arms, the ones she’d earned from Bea’s resurrection to make it more real. The scars were here, so Bea was here...even if she wasn’t here with them.

Why had she gone to the ritual? Nell hadn’t particularly planned on it until she’d found herself walking the familiar path, and climbing her hidden tree. “Habit?” she joked stupidly, as if she could blame her actions on the fact that they were the same ones she’d been doing on this day for as long as she could remember. “I didn’t go, go. I just sat in a tree where no one could see me and watched.” She’d felt like something of a vulture, perched in the leaves as she feasted on whatever scraps of gathered magical intent managed to fly her way. But again— she knew Luce would want a better answer than that. No more secrets. That’s what they’d promised one another after the youngest witch’s secrets had killed the eldest. “I don’t know…” she grumbled a bit more sincerely. “I just wanted to see it.” Did Luce miss their coven in the same agonizing way of knowing it was wrong to want something that didn’t want them?

Luce snorted at Nell’s initial answer, knowing it was a knee jerk reaction. Because that’s how Nell played the game-- she joked. She made fun of herself, brushed things off with a silly joke or some off-beat observation. It was what she’d always done to keep the focus off her problems. And Luce knew that. She’d always known it. But, she’d never really cared to call her sister out on it because, fuck, she had her own ways of brushing people away. They were a result of their mother’s singular bid for perfection with Bea and it showed. Tracing a triangle against the cool marble countertop, Luce mulled over Nell’s words. She’d stayed hidden, even though that must have hurt even more. To be so close you could hear the words, feel the magic in the air, smell the smoke and ash in the wind?

A lump formed in the back of her throat and she nodded once. “I wish I’d gone with you.” Instead, she’d run to the woods. Just like she always did. She’d run to the woods before, separating herself from her family for years and now she wished she could take that time back. Five years. Five years, she’d lived in this town but never realized just how much she had. She’d been selfishly devoted in her pursuit of what? One upping her sister who’d never wanted to make their shared existence a competition? “We’ve only got each other. And Bea-- always Bea. But… for now, it’s just us.”

Luce’s answer was one that surprised Nell, still not all that used to the concept of doing things as one with her sisters rather than apart— even nearly a year after being reminded that they were a unit of three, broken when the circle was disrupted. “We could go back, if you want. I bet the ashes are still warm. You know...together.” But even that felt like the wrong answer. They were supposed to be moving forwards, not going back. Alone, Nell could barely remember to pluck herself from the past, but alongside her sister it was easier to see that a return to what they’d had before wasn’t a path that led onward in the least. “Or...or we could…” Nell trailed off uselessly, still not knowing how to step into the shoes of someone who knew how to move on, even if she’d just barely started to realize that by obsessing over things that were done, she might be left behind along with them. But the lessons those things had taught...those were what she couldn’t let go of— the things she needed to remember to ensure that nothing like what had come to pass ever happened again. She just hadn’t figured out to sift through them, didn’t know how to pick up the pieces she could carry without strapping the rest of it onto her back, inevitably crushed under the weight of it when it proved to be far too much to handle.

Still, Nell nodded at the mention of Bea, knowing Luce’s words were true. They were another reminder of the most important thing they’d stumbled upon in losing one of their own. They’d found each other along with the knowledge that so long as there were two of them standing alongside the other...they would manage. “I know. And I’m- I’m glad you’re here. And I want to do something with you tonight- I really do.” She still had plenty of time to be with Luce before she went to see Adam for the rest of the evening. “I just...I miss her, too. I miss Bea.” It was hard to remind herself that she and Luce were two, when she could barely remember that all together they were three.

Nell was trying. She was trying so hard. And Luce knew that, they both knew it. They both knew how hard it was, being cast out from everything they’d ever known. Growing up, the coven had been a second family to her, the other members helping to raise the three of them alongside their parents. But they had been banished from the coven. Locked out of one of the only places that could ever understand who they were. It was only now that Luce realized just how much she’d taken the coven for granted and how much she truly valued the community they’d grown up in. As much as she would have loved to go back, to try and reclaim what was lost? “We can’t. We can’t do that and you know it too. We’re not… We can’t get the old days back and trying will only make it worse.” She shook her head. The words made her heart ache, because there was nothing more that she wanted to do than to go to the ritual spot, to see the familiar grounds, to see the ashen remains of the Beltane celebration. But there was no going back to the way things had been. Life moved on. And she was trying her best to be at peace with that. She just hoped that Nell could too.

Taking another long sip from her glass, Luce offered a weak smile. “You better be glad I’m here.” She joked, though a part of her wondered if she could actually do it. Could she ever leave this place? Could she ever leave Nell? She’d done it before and hated herself for leaving. She’d abandoned the people she’d cared about for a month, left them at the mercy of this town-- this fucking town. She couldn’t do it again. She wouldn’t. She’d stay by Nell’s side for as long as her sister needed her, wanted her. And when Bea returned, she’d stay by Bea too. “I want to do something too. I… I went into the woods earlier today. By myself.” She said with a shake of her head. “I’m still trying to break the habit of doing shit alone. But yeah. I’d like to do something with you too.” At the mention of their sister, Luce let out a sigh before looking around the kitchen. She could see echoes of her sister still lingering in this space. Bea, cooking at the stove, music playing from a speaker as she watched a pot on the stove. Drinks shared late at night in the corner nook, the three of them tipsy and giggling. Remnants, that was all they were left with now. “Yeah. I miss her too.”

The house they lived in was haunted, but not in the traditional White Crest sense of ghosts and ghouls. They’d lived some of their worst moments in these walls— couldn’t look at certain corners of it without being thrown back into the memories of a year ago. The feeling was only exacerbated by the missing sister of their trio, Nell constantly needing to remind herself that Bea would cook in this kitchen again, that the home would fill with the eldest daughter’s spirit sooner, or possibly even later rather than never. “If you weren’t here I sure as hell wouldn’t be,” Nell answered with a chuckle, perhaps a little too honest in her attempt to be brief. But it was true. The house was only bearable because Luce was in it. Living together was good for both of them despite the fact that it ended out days in shouting matches as often as it did with laughter. Sisters would be sisters, and Luce gave Nell a grounding that she desperately needed simply by being here. She couldn’t know for certain whether the same could be said for Luce, but she suspected as much. They needed one another whether they wanted to or not. And Nell wanted to. “Then let’s do something. It’s not like we can’t go out and make our own bonfire, right? I’m sure Taki would be more than happy to provide some flames.” She didn’t want to poke at her sister’s struggle with her magic, but figured addressing it off the bat was a decent method of getting it out of the way. “How was...the woods for you? You know I’m shit at doing stuff together too, sometimes. But I think the fact that we’re trying is something, right? And I mean...I appreciate it- knowing that you’re trying and stuff.” As for Bea… “What do you think she’s doing today? Maybe we could FaceTime her or something if we decide to burn something.”

As for going back to days past, Nell knew it wasn’t something she should be doing. “It’s not even necessarily that I want the days back I just-” She didn’t know how to find a balance between bitterness and longing, the two so thoroughly wrapped up in one another she could barely tell them apart when it came to the coven and the rest of her family. It felt as if she’d hit the ground running last year and just...never stopped running. And now it was too late to adjust— she didn’t know how to slow down and force herself to find a new normal that didn’t make her sneer in judgement at both those she’d lost as well as herself for missing them. “I can’t even figure out what I want.” How could she give herself the peace she sought, when she didn’t even know what peace she was looking for?

Luce let out another wry chuckle and nodded in agreement. If Nell wasn’t here, Luce wouldn’t be here either. She’d be back at her cabin, most likely. Living there, staying in the woods. Isolating herself from the world again, but without the coven this time. She would be truly alone, without either of her sisters at her side. Even if Nell still lived in the town, even if Bea was still alive and breathing and walking on this plane, she would be alone. And Luce wasn’t sure if that was the right thing for her now. Losing her sister, losing her family, losing her coven-- did she really want to lose more? “Yeah, neither would I. This place… it’s hers, you know? At the end of the day, it’s Bea’s.” She said, gesturing to the kitchen around them with her whiskey glass. It was Bea’s through and through. Every wall and fixture, it was a part of their sister. And living here without her in it, was… hard. Because they had to live with the memory of those terrible, silent weeks without her. “I like the sound of a bonfire though. It’d be nice to do something like that here. And hey, it gives Taki the opportunity to cut loose.”

At her sister’s question, Luce mulled over her experience. “It was… peaceful. Good, in its own way. Reminded me of the purpose of Beltane, you know? Spring turning to summer, the seasons passing. Life moving on. It was grounding. Sometimes I just get so stuck on how things used to be,” How I used to be, “That it gets hard to remember that life is always going to change.” She said. At Nell’s mentions about doing things together, Luce shrugged. “None of us are great at doing things together. But yeah. I’m glad we’re trying too. And I know that you’re doing your best, Nellie.”

Listening to Nell speak, Luce rolled her glass between her hands contemplatively. “And that’s okay too. It’s okay to not know what you want.” She nodded. “I’m not going to pretend like I know what’s going to happen or that things will work out for the best. Because they might not.” Luce’s fingers flexed, the absence of her flames even more present than normal, “But I’ve got faith in you finding your way. Might not be tomorrow or even a year from now, but you’ll find it.” Tossing back the last of her whiskey, Luce glanced at her phone, “Yeah, FaceTiming Bea might be a good idea. I’m betting she’s gone full nocturnal living with Felix.”

Nell nodded as Luce outlined the ways in which this place belonged to Bea. “Yeah...it really is her’s.” Even before she’d died, the sisters had only owned spaces of it, holed the bits of them up into their rooms to make their own little homes within a house. And Nell hadn’t minded. Not when Bea was here to liven the spaces up with her own energy, and there’d been only good memories that filled the walls. But living here without Bea felt as if she were stuck in that month long hell of getting their sister back— a tape that simply looped over on itself countless times as Nell was forced to stare at the screen. How was she meant to move forwards when she lived in a place that forced her to relive the worst days she’d had? She couldn’t move on with her life when she was still stuck in the one she’d been living a year ago.

“Oh absolutely. It’s been a minute since Taki got to really go to town. And I bet Iggy’d have fun too what with all his...frustrations as of late.” Nell snickered at the tail end of her words, not to subtly alluding to the familiar’s horny mating season state. “But I mean...like witch, like familiar, I guess.” A somber air returned to her as she listened to Luce, happy that her sister had begun to find her peace. There was a flare of envy trying to work its way into her throat, but Nell tamped it down before it could truly surface, unwilling to risk this moment and future that Luce so thoroughly deserved. “I’m glad you got to do it for yourself- even if it was hard in a way. But I guess you’re right about the change and stuff.” A half-smile showed up on Nell’s lips as Luce granted the affirming words. “And I know you’re doing your best, Lulu.” They were trying, and that’s what mattered most.

Perhaps it was okay that Nell wasn’t sure of what she wanted, but she wished she could pin it down nonetheless. It was exhausting having the things she wished for constantly trying to battle one another for dominance, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she’d be able to stomach if before making a choice born out of simply wanting it all to end. Still— at least she had Luce’s faith in her, which was more than she’d ever gotten from their mother. “Thanks, Luce...really. You’re usually pretty dumb, but sometimes you’re kinda smart, I guess.” The heavy tone of the evening was settling into something else as they spoke of Bea and bonfires, and a full chuckle found Nell’s head titling along with it as she spoke. “You know how she only wears white, now? I bet she’s so fucking pale she’ll blend right in with her shirt on the screen. Here— I can just call her now, and we can laugh at how much of a vampire she looks like.” Tugging her phone out of her pocket, Nell clicked on Bea’s name, waiting for her sister’s face to show up on the screen.

If there was anything Bea was certain of, it was that her sisters were finding a way to make this holiday far more morose than it needed to be. It was their first Beltane being outside of a coven, but Bea had not celebrated with the Coven before. She knew they didn’t need a coven to make the holiday and she would teach her sisters. Her fingers had been twisting through Felix’s hair in the dark comfort of their bedroom when she thought of her sisters alone, stumbling through this new terrain. She had left White Crest to find herself in a new light, to learn to keep her chin up with the new crown of shadows she had obtained, and she had. There was no part of Bea that felt broken or wrong any longer. She had been put back together and for too long she felt the tug of the stitches holding her, but now that tug was no longer felt. Her skin was her own, stitches and all. Beatrice Vural had evolved and grown, she had become something no one had expected. She was as much a monster as anyone else in White Crest and that was the only reason she could drive her car across the boundaries of town. Wicked’s Rest had missed her and she had missed it, but before she made her reappearance in town, she had sisters to celebrate with. Her phone began to vibrate in her purse as her keys slipped into the familiar lock of her home. She swung open the door, lowered her sunglasses as her cherry red lips split into a grin. “If this is how we’re celebrating this year, I should have stayed in New York.”

#// GUEST WRITER WAS SUCH A TREATTTT #shoutout to my bestie <3 #sibling death tw #wickedswriting #ch:luce #chatzy

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mr-entj · 4 years

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Top 3 career networking mistakes college students make

Combined with the following asks:

Hi Mr. ENTJ. I found your excellent “top 3 job hunting mistakes” post really insightful. Could you do another post for everyone’s worst nightmare aka professional networking with strangers? Tips and tricks you recommend would be much appreciated!

Dos and dont’s of networking for someone who is entering college? I cann’t stress how this blog helps me with my anxieties about joining the job market especially in this screwed up Covid situation. You’re really a blessing and I hope you know that

Hello Mr. ENTJ. What are some annoying things you would recommend we NOT do while we are networking because I have this constant fear I’m being annoying and bothering people when I want to talk to them so I’d like to avoid doing these as well. Thank you