#because I like being miserable and going insane

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

Thanks to this post on Reddit, I realized when one (1) unreliable narrator Jason Peter Todd was born. Is it any surprise that it was when he died :)))))))))

Your whole life??? I can count on one hand the number of times you got angry. Right now you’re hoping Sheila will make it to Heaven after she got you killed,

And you still consider her your mom. You lived and died an angel.

You had no clue what was going to happen. You were a child who never should have been left alone by his parent.

You and me both, Boston.

Deadman: Dead Again issue #2

#I can see now this blog is just documenting my descent into madness #by issue 5 Jason Hal and the others are set free and it’s confirmed later in green arrow v3 issue 7 that Jason made it to Heaven #as far as I know Jason and Deadman only have a total of 3 interactions (2 technically since Gotham county line was Bruce’s hallucination) #but they absolutely should have more #jason todd #robin jason #boston brand #deadman #dc #comic panels #my post #there’s that popular theory that the clothes you die in become your ghost outfit #but in my mind Jason’s ghost is dressed as robin because it gave him magic and it truly made him so happy to be able to help/save people #because I like being miserable and going insane #it also fits with what he was doing in green arrow (just a tiny baby boy happily swinging around Heaven going ‘wahoo!’) #the world didn’t deserve Jason Todd but he came back anyway #in regards to the last few posts abt batkids and anger #this here is also why I think comparing anyone to Jason is holding the other to an impossible standard

[stiffyck]

Okay what if the winners got to meet previous versions of themselves through the life games.

Like grian meets no one. He didn't have any previous "versions".

Scott meets 3rd life Scott.

Pearl meets 3rd life and last life pearl.

Martyn meets 3rd life, last life and double life Martyn.

Scar meets 3rd life, last life, double life and lim life him-

This whole thing was an idea that I got just because I was thinking about ll and sl scar because they were both so lonely like wtf and I just though about a scene that would be so. Grips chair.

Ll: "We won?"

Sl: "Yeah"

Ll: "Did we have allies? Friends?"

Ll scar probably thinks sl scar won only because he had allies to support him. He knows what its like being lonely and he hopes no one has to go through that loneliness. And he wants to be optimistic for once that sl scar, future him, gets allies, gets friends.

He tries to hope and then he sees the look on sl scars face. Or maybe sl scar tries to lie- maybe he tries to say they had allies.

Ll scar sees right through him. He's him after all. Maybe he's always gonna he lonely anyway

#im being insane give me a momebt #also i forgot pearl wasnt jn 3rd life but its okay. she was in 3rd life to me <3 #ALSO? THE POTENTIAL OF 3RDLIFE SCAR? AND DOUBLE LIKE AND LIM LIFE SCAR? #3rd life scar is optimistic. he thinks its okay! grian is his ally in the fjture too right? he wins with grian? #no other scar wants to look him in the eye becayse they all remember the allyship they had with grian thay crumbled in ll #and that got completely destroyed in double life. #double life scar doesnt want to tell 3rd life scar and tell him grian doesnt care. he cant do that to himself. #tell his younger and more optimistic self that grian doesnt want them as his soulmates... that he would rather sneak off with skmeone else.. #and lim life scar. he was excited for the future because he did have friends! he had allies jn lim life- but seeing sl scar? #seeing how they just go back to being alone again? #its soul crushing. #(inserting my aroace angst here: is he really that unlovable? is his lack of romantic love so unappealing? #does no one want him? does no one but himself love him? #does he himself even love him? can he? seeing how miserable they all are it feels hard and lonely #lim life scar probably wants to comfort them all- but isnt it sad that the only person to comfort him would be himself? #) okay im done being insane goodbye- #stiff talk #gtws

[waitineedaname]

reading the novel, i love how blatantly indulgent of the juniors lan wangji is. when he was their age, he was duelling wei wuxian over broken rules and lived his life by behaving as precisely as what was expected of him, and now as an adult, he's basically letting the juniors do whatever they want as long as it isn't unsafe and generally letting the kids act like kids

which leaves wei wuxian to have to be the one playing bad cop. wei "has never followed anyone else's rules in his life" "bane of lan qiren's existence" "public enemy number one" wuxian has to be the one being like "oh my god don't burn money on someone else's doorstep, don't you know that's rude. you kids need to focus on your studies more, why isn't anyone teaching you anything useful, do i have to do everything myself around here"

#mdzs #it's really cute tbh #and not at all what you'd expect from a surface level impression of them #lwj has spent so much of his life being restrained and basically never got to be a kid #so he's so indulgent of these kids so they don't have to grow up miserable like he did #meanwhile wei wuxian was very unrestrained and then suffered because of it #so he's like you kids need to learn how to do things properly or else you are going to be Killed #they make a good teacher duo tbh #I love how much wwx seems to enjoy teaching them #I just love the bit when they're burning money on someone's yard #and wwx is like ''aren't you going to tell them to stop??'' #and lwj is like ''you do it'' #and so wwx is the one to go over and scold them #can you imagine being the lan juniors #you go to the mo estate and meet this guy who is notoriously gay and insane #who messes with your spiritual tools and sics some corpses on each other #and then he's hanging off of your esteemed hanguang-jun #who as far as you know has never had any friends #except this guy apparently #and then suddenly hanguang-jun is parading the notoriously insane guy around with his sacred forehead ribbon around his wrists #and the notoriously insane guy is very seriously scolding you for not knowing more about ghosts and is definitely doing necromancy #while hanguang-jun makes heart eyes at him #what would you even do with that

[ziracona]

Harry Osborn really is just “I want people to be nice to me and love me. That’s it.” Like it really is. Of course he became Peter’s best friend; the guy was nice to him. Does not take much. He convinces his dad to rent him an apartment close to college and asks Pete to just come live with him for free in a nice two-bedroom in NY because he wants him there. He drives around because he gets anxious and down and driving relaxes him and Peter doesn’t have a car so he’s always like “Oh oh! : ) Hi Peter do you need a ride?” and Pete is like ‘thank god no taxi fare let’s DO this’. He thinks Gwen and MJ are so cool and neat and he loved Gwen so much even though she broke up with him and died two decades ago, he still thinks about how much she means to him. He just wants to hug Normie and tell him he’s a great son and he loves him. He wants Liz to not hate him and think he’s weak and he’s terrified of people finding out all the things wrong with him but none of them care, and he’s great. He’s the most tragic character of all time. He loves his terrible dad so genuinely and so much, and he loves his friends so much, he loves his family so much. Literally all he ever wanted was people to be nice to him and love him and his life and sanity fall apart and he gets tragedy after tragedy and breakdown after breakdown and but he never really breaks he’s always just a little left. He tries so hard to go off the deep end but he can never really make himself hurt Peter, because of course he can’t. He’s Harry Osborn. Who loves friends from twenty years ago like it was last night. Even at his lowest he gets to die telling his best friend he would have finally been proud of him because he was able for a second to be like he is, and pass while smiling and holding his best friend’s hands. Of course he does. How else could Harry Osborn have ever died. He’s Harry.

#spider-man #Harry Osborn #I’m re-reading old comics and I am VeRY sad and moved about Harry #god they really gave him and Gwen both stellar deaths. it’s hard to kill a long term cast member without it being terrible in superhero #comics but both of them in very different ways get really really well written deaths #He’s so happy when he dies. it’s the thing. he’s so happy. he’s been miserable for years and years and years #and exhausted and alone and insane and trying so hard and so broken and so desperate. he tries to kill himself with Peter becuase he can’t #go on any more. but he doesn’t. he gets to save his kid and his friend and his best friend. and they love him and try to save him #and he gets to die peacefully holding his best friend’s hands in an ambulance. and three of the people he loves most in the world are with #him. he’s not alone. and he saved their lives and they’re being so nice to him because they really love him #and he gets to die like that knowing that and he’s smiling

[bedlamsbard]

Now I'm just mad and that makes me sad. :/ I really do try incredibly hard not to hate things in this fandom, which doesn't always work out because, you know, feelings, and I don't want to think about hating things! I want to think about things I like!

#also I am exhausted because I had to proctor an exam at 8 am this morning #and the surface is for real dying this time which was REAL inconvenient #(light on the power cord keeps blinking but either the charger or the battery or both have been whack for while now) #(yes I bought a new computer but I was hoping to not have to set it up until AFTER finals) #plus I keep getting information overload on some job/work/school stuff #I am just very very tired #during the last few years of being a star war I hated nearly everything and it was an absolutely miserable fannish experience #I do not want to repeat it which is why if I think I'm going to hate something I simply do not watch it #honestly my greatest fannish achievements of the year have been realizing when I'm heading for a rage blackout and turning off the episode #(what if rewatch on the cc ep and secret invation) #but what if makes me insane in completely different ways except for The One Thing #(probs because it's so variable so I can't simply go 'not for bedlams!' and move on with my life like I did with si) #your girl #(also I realized that when s1 aired I legit have like. fannish ptsd. over the entire concept of 'the animation might become live action.' #I do not say that lightly but the scars from the star war run REAL deep. I still remember how bad my reaction to various articles was!) #I'm going to go for a walk and maybe buy some cupcakes

[fatmaclover]

going through loops and loops of "i got sick thinking about macdennis. i wanna write joymac" and then "thinking about joymac is making me so sad. i wanna go back to writing macden" and then it keeps repeating and i never actually write anything because i think about the characters too much and feel like a fuckin grouper with all my babys in my mouth. like oh my God dude. holy shit. can this show stop being so tragic

#it also doesnt help that all the joymac i wanna write is shit thatd never happen 😭😭😭 #ohhhh yeah kat youre gonna make such an in character piece where you have joyce and mac #sit down and tapk to each other about everything thats going on #like genuinely i think if joyce flat out told mac “you upset me a lot. i wish you were around more. i feel abandoned and lonely without you” #mac would HAVE to take a look at himself. and they would have to end up fixing their problems #because the hell are they gonna do stop talking to each other??? #i also think mac should have insane rsd. im not projecting. like can you imagine having the “feels bad about upsetting loved ones” disorder #and then being told that your friend of 4 decades actually has been fucking miserable because of you for like 3.5 of them #oh my god mac might actually just end it instead #im happy thinking about and writing angst for macden but joyce and dee are miserable to think about #in terms of angst #i cant do it i get too sad i need my girls to be happy

[anicemyth]

unemployed, trans, disabled, and looking to raise $100 for therapy and $50 for hrt this month. i currently have less than $5 in my bank account after paying for the therapy intake session. i know everyone on here is broke too but i really appreciate any help i can get

my commissions are $25 upfront + $10/hour but if you donate any amount, even $1, send me a message and i'll draw you something

i also have some things for sale on poshmark

if you want more details about any of this you can message me. again, anything helps

#mua #i hate making posts like this but i don't really know what else to do #other people have it worse than me but i have no way to make $100 a month and ideally i'd be having sessions once a week not every other #but $200 a month from commissions seems like an insane goal. and then hrt is another $50 and. ugh #tbh i'd like to go to an event at a gay bar this month thats $18 because i have no friends irl and never leave the house #and could desperately use some sense of community and a fun thing to cut through just sitting inside being miserable all day #but that's. a longshot. anyway. even if i cant get therapized or see gay people weed is good for my physical and mental problems so #yeah being gay and unwell and poor sucks. the end

[frogcoded]

anyway putting my clown wig on hipster guy mi ha rotto il cazzo i don't think it's gonna work out so might as well decide it now thank you everyone for following me into this two week long insanity

#like we go on a date you text me the morning after i ask how are you and you don't reply for the entire day. are you being serious rn #point is even if he is actually interested and he's just one of those 'i text if i have something to say to you' it doesn't change anything #because that type of things drives me insane i know that because i've done that already. i cannot cope with that #and i don't want to sound like a psycho i know some people just work like that. i'm just not one of those people #and i know that dating a person like that makes me absolutely miserable #i'm supposed to see him tomorrow and i'm lowkey hoping he will just continue ignoring me so i have an excuse to just call it off #otherwise god knows i'm going to continue being a clown

[lesbiansanemi]

I need to Get Out of the Midwest. I think it’s draining me of all life and energy like some kind of regional soul-sucking vampire

#everything just constantly feels so miserable and ugly here #the landscape. the vibes. the people #idk. I used to not mind the Midwest that much #but in the past year I feel like I’m gnawing on the bars of a too small kennel #or some kind of enclosure not meant for me #idk maybe I’m being dramatic. but just. rah rah rah #I do not think I could live the majority of my life here I would go insane #I think part of it is also I just want/need to start over somewhere completely new #I’ve lost connections with literally everyone I’ve known my whole life #I am not close with my family and hate most of them and my friends…. #ugh. that’s a whole other post that essentially boils down to #I have lost the vast majority of my friends in the past year and honestly it’s a relief #because we were so incomparably different and I’ve realized a lot of them kinda didn’t treat me/others well #and once I had that realization there was no going back I could not comfortably be around them #there are only two ppl in this vague area that I still feel deeply connected to and care about in a fierce way #(Lee and Jordan you are the real ones) #and idk. I just. I hate where I live I hate my job I don’t feel truly connected to ANYTHING anymore #if I’m going to be so disconnected from everyone around me and feel like I’m constantly just wandering around #I feel I should at least do it somewhere I would enjoy the actual location of more #but I am stupid and resigned my lease #so I have to stay here for at least another year #unless I wanna be REAL dumb and irresponsible #but I’m too anxious for that kinda thing #as much as I daydream I could not uproot myself to move and massive distance without an insane amount of planning #and decent financing plans #so el oh el #kaz rambles

[fieldsofbone]

🌫️

#i’m so miserable in my phd program and there’s no way out. #i can’t quit officially because i don’t know if that’s actually what i want and i don’t want to make any rash decisions #but i’m so depressed and listless and have no interest in doing fuck all on my dissertation #and the clock is ticking for me to reach the next step. finish classes write the prospectus defend the thesis move to the diss defend that #get the degree #the dissertation seems so fucking stupid and small compared to the size of my trauma. #i’m so fucking angry at the university for letting this happen to me for letting him get away with it for so long and for betraying me when #i did everything right to hold him accountable and it still didn’t matter. and now he gets to move on and live his life and i’m stuck. #i’m stuck with ptsd i’m stuck being unable to motivate myself or to care about getting the degree i worked so hard toward #i feel like i’m disappointing everyone #i can’t take a break because if i do i lose my health insurance and the other job i have because that’s contingent on me being enrolled #i can’t keep going or i’m going to go fucking insane #there’s no way out

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

#purrs #delete later #not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really #comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel #where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it #all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly #and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking #getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest #colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w #we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight #we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the #participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a #and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of #them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we #did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i #have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also #HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a #failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as #emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i #failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year #and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs #like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE #PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and #we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting #everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid #bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i #get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i #am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done. #ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that #just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol

[emdotcom]

You. Nuance now.

You can like shit that has problematic shit in it, without being a bad person. You don't have to give me a list of EVERY bad thing a piece of media you enjoy does, & why it's bad, but it DOES help to be mindful of that shit. You're allowed to enjoy your bad thing. You don't have to explain it or qualify it to anyone -- you know it's bad, we all know it's bad.

That said, if you watch something with bad shit, people will indeed judge you, or want you to not talk about your thing, or may even avoid you/block you for posting about it. While I know that feels bad, it's just a fact, bud. Those people don't directly want to hurt you, they just feel real strongly, & I think they're allowed to feel that, & I think they're allowed to act on that, to a certain point.

FURTHERMORE, there is a fucking line that you do not, do not, do NOT cross! Where that is will be different for most people, & fuzzy for all. For me, I can tolerate a lot of shit, but another person may not. I also think there is a definitive line you don't cross, which is media that is actively hurting somebody. I find it helpful to ask, "Is consuming this thing harmful? Can I hurt somebody this way?" I.E. you buy the queen terf antisemitism & transphobia game, beaming money DIRECTLY into the queen terf 's bank account, which sh has publicly, VERBALLY said she treats as a person accepting her shit beliefs, & she will then use the money to lobby horrendous bills. You are not enjoying garbage, at this point. You are actively doing something wrong, & you fucking know it, & I don't have the time nor the desire to waste another single goddam breath on telling you that any further.

I am not saying that you are required to go invest in problematic things. I am not saying you need to see something you KNOW will upset you. I am saying you are allowed to keep a list of media that you will never, ever touch, that you hate enough that you will not even talk to somebody about it. I am saying you can block a person over liking a piece of shit media you fucking hate. I am saying you can have a list of things that bug you so badly, that you immediately drop something just for having it, & you don't have to qualify anything on that list to me, or explain why -- you can just avoid that thing -- that's just fine. I am saying you can like something with bad shit in it, & I promise you do NOT need to give me a 5k words essay on why it's bad -- this isn't school, you're not getting Oops I Like Something Bad 😞😔 homework.

I am saying you are human. You are meat & bone, with a bit of electricity running through it. You are fallable. You are allowed to like something that isn't good. You do not have to be forever pure, forever flawless marble, because you are not made of stone, & even if you were, marble is worn down & away, with time. Nothing is infallible or perfect, in this world, & that's nice, actually.

I'm also saying, what a fucking miserable way to go through life, seeing everything that is not perfectly pristine as a sin, as a crime, as something that even an association with makes you guilty. There's so many things to see, to read, to watch, to share, & you're being FUCKING CATHOLIC ABOUT IT??? DO I NEED TO REPENT?? FOR LIKING SOMETHING NOT 10000% CLEAN?? SHOULD I PAY MY FUCKING TITHES OR JUST GET THE LASHES. GRABS YOU. MAIMS.

#gale chatter #YES i am mad #discourse #vent #hey if you come onto this post to explain why you like the transphobic wizard game I'm just gonna block you okay? #i will just. fucking block you. & move on with my day. because i hate you #harry potter ment #jkr ment #THIS IS NOT. ABOUT THAT. THIS IS ABOUT LIKING ELFEN LIED. THIS IS ABOUT WATCHING TRIGUN. THIS IS ABOUT READING. HOMESTUCK. #this is about watching old films that have words you don't & won't ever use #this is about finding comfort in discomfort & being mortal #this is about being insane about your favorite little dumpsterfire & being a gourmet trash consumer #this is about whatever. about nothing. about everything to a certain point #I'd like to further state i previously had such a mindset that i would drop anything that ever had even the smallest bump & never touch it #but tbh. i ran out of new shit to like pretty quick & jt was a miserable way to go into every new thing #just kinda hoping this one would be normal about its female characters #& once i started actively seeking out garbage & admitting i have shit taste & like bad things i had more fun. #i found like. new shit i loved that i previously wouldn't have even touched #& i think that's fun & i wish people would try such a thing

[aggghhhhh71279534]

im gonna say it BEING FAT FUCKING SUCKS!!! STOP PRETENDING IT DOESNT!!!! BEING FAT IS AWFUL!!!

#and to clarify: it is Not terrible because of everyone around you #its terrible because its insanely fucking unhealthy to weigh as much as i do (300+ lbs) #and its restricting i cant excersize like i want to i cant jump without being in pain #bras always physically hurt me like they are So uncomfortable to wear #my terrible diet makes me feel worse than i already do for mental reasons #i look fucking terrible. okay? there. i said it. im ugly because im fat #i have huge rolls and a double chin and stretch marks and it looks UGLY!!!!!!! #my thighs chafe when i walk so i cant wear shorts above my knees. my underboobs sweat so much they stink #i look fucking terrible. i cannot emphasize how awful i look #and you know what? ive never known what its been like to be pretty #because ive been fat My Whole Fucking Life. #and my moms fat but its just us in our whole family! just us! everyone else is skinny #weve been trying to lose weight for years the two of us and it just doesnt fucking happen #i dont know my moms reasons but my reason is i just dont fucking care i think #like ill just give up and forget about it. i cant focus on it long enough #and frankly? counting calories makes me fucking miserable #like i already feel guilty every time i eat but when im counting cals its 100x worse #so guess what! im going to be morbidly obese my whole life and it will probably kill me. #i am going to die young and its literally my own fault #anyway my point is im happy for anyone whos fine with being fat literally good for you!!! im happy for you #but please dont force that upon me. ok? i hate being fat and thats literally my own business

[hecksupremechips]

Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over

#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens #i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’ #or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems #like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything #and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you #its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we #and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin #nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend #its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything #lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery #and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick #of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing #and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit #and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money #and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now #because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing #feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny #lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away #and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life #im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die #but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol

[pibsboots]

I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

#chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronic pain

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

#im just so completely miserable and exhausted and just angry with everything #gic has gone silent. im getting so stressed about the ethics of my top surgery fund because i dont know if its something i should be still #doing how long until they talk to me again if they do will the waitlists even be livable is it ethical is it worth it does anyone even have #the money to spare anyway to help before the endless nhs waitlist #why am i being left in the dark #im terrified that i dont know when my pap smear will be and that i have to go under anesthetic for it because i fucked up my own body by #being a pathetic cowardly idiot who is to stupid to exist like im supposed to so now im worth nothing and i cant navigate dating bc of it #bc it just makes me shut down immediately when i realise its something i do have to disclose because im shitty and broken and worthless #and i dont know whats happening and i dont want the smear anymore and the nhs sent me a terrifying letter saying im not a real person and i #predictabley got to scared to reply to so now i may have fucked up literally everything which is my fault but also why does the ngs not just #have a system that works and isnt briken just because im trans #and i jsut want to die i cant die but im jsut scared and i want to hide forver #i dont know whats happening with my job am i still getting paid will i get the November cost of living backpay will i get my pension refund #i jjst feel lost and pathetic and desperately clawing out for any vague threads of interest for sex and dating even though im as previously #mentioned in these tags not fit for that and should just die forever in box alone and aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj #I just want a hug for the next millennia #instead im kust fighting off thoughts about starving myself as punishment because i dont deserve to eat jm not worth the expense of my own #paycheck to buy food for not that it matters because im sick and getting sicker amyway and of course one of my moles is looking insanely #dodgey and ive had to book a doctor's appointment for it but its so tempting to kust ignofe it surely itd be better if it was cancer and #then j could just die amd people wouldnt blame me for being pathetic or whatever removing myself but sad and tragic for dying from something #scary or whatever the fuck im fully aware thats a fucked up thibg to be thinking im just a bit at amessy ends atm and j dont even have a #hot chubby dude or not dude to pretend is ever going yo be interested in me or whatever and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #dw to anyone reading this in the event someone is i wont remove myself im a huge coward and too lazy to do that #crouch speaks #and its only November! we still got winter to come!!!!! my favourite (sarcastic) time of the year that doesnt absolutely fuck with my head