#idk maybe I’m being dramatic. but just. rah rah rah

[lesbiansanemi]

I need to Get Out of the Midwest. I think it’s draining me of all life and energy like some kind of regional soul-sucking vampire

#everything just constantly feels so miserable and ugly here #the landscape. the vibes. the people #idk. I used to not mind the Midwest that much #but in the past year I feel like I’m gnawing on the bars of a too small kennel #or some kind of enclosure not meant for me #idk maybe I’m being dramatic. but just. rah rah rah #I do not think I could live the majority of my life here I would go insane #I think part of it is also I just want/need to start over somewhere completely new #I’ve lost connections with literally everyone I’ve known my whole life #I am not close with my family and hate most of them and my friends…. #ugh. that’s a whole other post that essentially boils down to #I have lost the vast majority of my friends in the past year and honestly it’s a relief #because we were so incomparably different and I’ve realized a lot of them kinda didn’t treat me/others well #and once I had that realization there was no going back I could not comfortably be around them #there are only two ppl in this vague area that I still feel deeply connected to and care about in a fierce way #(Lee and Jordan you are the real ones) #and idk. I just. I hate where I live I hate my job I don’t feel truly connected to ANYTHING anymore #if I’m going to be so disconnected from everyone around me and feel like I’m constantly just wandering around #I feel I should at least do it somewhere I would enjoy the actual location of more #but I am stupid and resigned my lease #so I have to stay here for at least another year #unless I wanna be REAL dumb and irresponsible #but I’m too anxious for that kinda thing #as much as I daydream I could not uproot myself to move and massive distance without an insane amount of planning #and decent financing plans #so el oh el #kaz rambles