#bc ok that can happen sometimes but it's so much more complicated than that. there's a lot more things that happen

[obxsummer]

Pieces of You // JJ Maybank

summary: you had grown tired of JJ's reckless nature and were suffering the silent treatment post-argument. so it's only fitting the next time he's careless it's to save you.

request: Heyyy, I love your work with all my heart!! I was wondering if you could write a JJ x reader fic, where in S3 at the end of episode 8 Topper burns the chateau down, but JJ has to save them because they didn’t notice the fire or anything? That would be so nice:)

warnings: minor injuries, angst bc it's me, crappy ending bc I didn't know what else to write ok

navigation

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Things had been a little too crazy for you and the Pogues. John B had supposedly managed to get arrested after knocking the shit out of Topper. Sarah did cheat on him after all, so his reaction was warranted in your mind. Kie had been busy dealing with the backlash of her parents while Pope and Cleo seemed to be the only duo without any major complications. Granted, Cleo did have to talk the boy out of killing Rafe for melting the cross but hey, minor details.

You and JJ however, were in the middle of the biggest argument you’d seen. At this point, you don’t even remember how it all happened minus the fact that the two of you stopped speaking shortly after his whole bike incident. JJ had the habit of being a little too careless for someone who had people that needed him and loved him. You were growing really tired of his reckless behavior. You loved JJ more than anything, but sometimes you wished he saw that his actions affected more than just him. You needed to know that he would be okay if you weren’t around to approve of his actions and make sure he didn’t go too far. 

JJ had been avoiding you since the moment you caught his gaze on the busted concrete. He knew he was fucked, and royally too. You’d warned him about being more careful and here he was doing powerslides from overpasses. 

He couldn’t get the words to work right to explain to you why he acted the way he did. It wasn’t just for the adrenaline rush, or because of his upbringing. JJ genuinely would do anything for you and the Pogues. He just happened to jump to the craziest way of getting there instead of taking the time to think it through.

“Will you just talk to me please?” His voice was pleading as he watched you move around your bedroom in a rushed fashion. You’d been quiet since Topper had dropped everyone off and your boyfriend was losing it with the silence. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you want to talk to me now? Where was this initiative when you practically dumped me off your bike into the truck bed? Or, better yet, where was this when you just stared at me blankly like I wasn’t sobbing over the fact that I thought you were dead?” You were getting angry quickly and JJ didn’t like it. 

He hesitated in his response, enough that you let out a huff of air in annoyance before turning away from him again. Recently, JJ panicked easily. It all started once he lost John B but got better for a while, especially when he had you. Now that everything was colliding, JJ was panicking. 

“I just didn’t know how else to get the cops away from-”

“You didn’t have to do something that involved you almost dying, JJ!” You shouted this time as the random pieces of clothing dropped from your hands. “I know you care. You care a lot for everyone but JJ… I care about you. I care so much that you break my heart when you do things like this because I can’t lose you! And neither can our friends! I know you don’t think far enough ahead for your personal consequences but please… please think about how everyone else would react if we lost you.”

JJ walked out on you sometime after that. You’d clearly upset him and your friends definitely felt the awkwardness but if you were honest, there was so much tension between everyone right now anyway. Your small family was starting to waver but you knew everything would work out. 

Sarah had called you all over to the Chateau, promising good news. You had yet to see her as you slowly approached the group, Kie, Cleo, Pope, and JJ already in attendance. There wasn’t much conversation to begin with, but it all fell silent the moment you stepped into view. Kie gave you a reassuring smile that didn’t do much to ease your nerves.

The blonde girl that had asked for your presence came walking down the steps of the Chateau not long after, sparing the awkward silence. “Hey, um, thanks for waiting. Look who decided to come home.”

John B stepped out of the doors of his childhood home, looking relatively fine for the hell he’d been through. You were shocked that he had managed to get out of jail so quickly, especially with Topper’s family status being put into play.

“Welcome back,” Cleo greeted with a smirk on her face. 

“Whoa! Good to see you, man.”

You let out a small laugh at John B’s surprise presence. “Welcome home, JB.” 

“You gotta be kidding me,” JJ scoffed from his spot across from you on the large tree branch. John B tucked his hands in his pockets and walked towards all of you solemnly. He looked really upset if you were being honest and it made you wonder what had really happened. 

“I have something I want to share with you guys,” Sarah said as she pulled the attention back to her. “I can get us down to Orinoco.”

“Are you serious?”

“What?”

“Okay, how’s that gonna happen?”

“My dad’s gonna let us use the plane-”

“Ward?”

“Your dad?”

You rolled your eyes at the pop-up comments that seemed never-ending. “Can y’all let the girl speak? Geez.”

Sarah’s gaze met yours as she offered up a small thankful smile. “We lay low tonight, then wheels up first thing in the morning.”

“Okay, that’s a lot to process. Your dad actually helping us,” Pope recounted in shock. “So we trusting Ward now?”

“Trust Sarah,” Kie offered with a solidifying nod at her own words. 

Pope and Cleo seemed excited about the plan as Sarah spoke up again. “But wait, I also just have one more thing to say. Um… since we’ve gotten back from the island, I’ve done some things I regret. A lot.”

Kie cleared her throat in the awkward silence that followed.

“Yeah, uh…” To your surprise, John B broke the quiet. “I feel…I feel like we’ve all done a thing or two that we regret.” His eyes glanced at the blonde next to him before he looked towards the ground again.

Sarah continued, “And I don’t…Poguelandia, guys. It’s all I’ve been able to think about. We were all together on that island and it was a good thing and I don’t want to ruin a good thing. And I-I just wanna know, are we still all in? Are we still all together? Because I am.”

Kie was the first to agree, wrapping Sarah in a hug before Cleo piled in on top of them.

“I still can’t believe you got the plane!” Pope smiled as he brought the Cameron girl in for a hug. “That’s actually insane.”

You took a deep breath as you watched them, well aware of JJ’s eyes on you. He’d been staring for a while now, always observant when it came to you. You took a few steps forward to embrace Sarah before retreating back to your own space next to Kie.

“Let’s go get Big John, alright? What do you say there, shit bird?” JJ tugged Pope under his arm as he regarded your friend. You found yourself pulled into the group hug next to Kie and Sarah, all of you waiting for John B to complete the circle.

“I think this deserves a woogity.”

You watched from the corner of your eye as John B stayed still in his spot. You shook your head slightly and made eye contact with him while smiling. “How long are you gonna pretend you’re not coming over here?”

Your best friend’s blank exterior broke at the question, glad to see a smidge of positive emotion from you over the past few days. He caved and made his way toward your group, quickly throwing his arms over your shoulders.

“Come over here, funny man. We don’t bite.” The seven of you hugged each other tightly, finally all back in the same place for once in what felt like forever. 

“Oh, we’re really doing this, aren’t we?”

Your small family was slowly rebuilding as everyone made their way into the Chateau for the night. John B and Sarah were quick to excuse themselves to his room, leaving the rest of you to entertain yourselves. 

“Jay,” You whispered his name quietly as he brushed past you to the kitchen in search of a beer. You blinked sudden tears from your eyes and looked up to the ceiling in an attempt to not cry. 

Letting out a deep breath, you quickly made your way to the guest bedroom where you and JJ had spent most of your time. You stared at the colossal mess of your things scattered amongst his along the furniture and floor. Your chest ached at the sight, wishing the two of you weren’t on such poor terms at the moment so you could actually enjoy the peace before setting off on another treasure hunt. 

Busying yourself with a shower in the attached bath, you figured some quiet time would help you clear your head and hopefully come up with a game plan of what to say to your boyfriend. You didn’t mean to make him feel like shit for expressing his love the way he did, but you were scared for him. 

The hot water of John B’s shower was soothing as you took the quiet time for yourself. Eventually, you had to leave the comforting steam when it began to run cold. Completely disheveled and stressed, you pulled on some comfy clothes and attempted to dry your wet hair before you had to face the music again. 

You let out a sigh and reached for the metal doorknob to walk back into the spare bedroom only for a searing pain to stretch across your hand. Jumping back with a yelp, a rush of panic overwhelmed you once you realized how hot it was in the small bathroom. 

“JJ!” You yelled instinctively as you searched for the hand towel to possibly grab the handle with. The fabric held the heat off long enough for you to open the door. The sight of bright flickering flames filled the room you and JJ had claimed for yourselves, burning pieces of each other into ashes. You stumbled back in shock before the adrenaline kicked in and you ran into the smoky room in hopes of salvaging some of the items.

“Y/N!” The boy in question came flying through the bedroom door a second later. He could barely see you through the thick smoke but managed to catch a quick movement of your figure across the room. “Y/N, we have to go!”

Your heart was pounding in your ears too loud for you to register his voice. The few items you’d grabbed in a rush were thrown in a canvas tote bag Kie had given you before you spun straight into JJ’s chest. 

“We gotta go, baby, come on.” JJ tugged his your t-shirt up over your mouth and nose to help filter the smoke before doing the same and leading you out of the room. Most of the house was covered in the bright orange light of the fire as you observed it in shock. You could barely focus as JJ pushed your hips towards the window of Big John’s office that was left open from their prior escape. He was quick to climb out and turned back to catch you. Glass shattered from another window causing the two of you to duck down and JJ to grab your wrist to tug you away from the structure. 

JJ’s grip on your wrist eased up as he brought you towards the dock where everyone had gathered in their escape. Your boyfriend’s touch was gentle as he helped you sit on the ground to take a deep breath and cough out the smoke in your lungs. “It’s okay, ‘m right here, baby.”

Everyone was visibly relieved when they saw you and JJ come running from the smoldering flames on the side of the house. It all happened so fast that they felt guilty for completely forgetting you were in the shower. JJ had taken one small look and took off before anyone had a chance to stop him. 

Your hands were shaky with the anxiety and fear that was coursing through your body. In the few moments before you found JJ, you were thinking the worst. You thought you were going to lose the person who mattered most to you in the midst of an argument and that was terrifying. You’d never forgive yourself if you lost JJ ever, but to be on rough terms was a nightmare you’d never recover from. 

“Hey, hey. Look at me. Everyone’s fine, I’m right here.” JJ’s blond hair was suddenly visible in your view as he forced you to look up at him and uncurl from the ball you’d shifted into. “What did you grab?”

You released your suffocating grip on the bag you’d practically filled. In the midst of your panic, you didn’t realize your friends had moved away to give you and JJ some space. You settled back against the posts of the wooden dock to watch as he went through the items you grabbed.

JJ’s favorite hoodie, a handful of Polaroids Kiara had taken of your group, his rings, the necklace he’d saved up to buy you for your anniversary. JJ was careful with the items as he shifted through them, his eyes suddenly damp with tears. 

“Y/N, sweetheart, all of this is replaceable. You aren’t,” He consoled as he finally made eye contact with you. Both of you were crying now, emotions running high from the events that just took place.

You took a shaky breath as you fought back the sob threatening to break through. “I...I felt like that room was us. All of our memories, and it was just crumbling and you weren’t there. JJ, I can’t lose you.”

“I know, I know.” JJ didn’t hesitate to pull you against his chest as you cried against him. He’d felt the panic himself a few moments before when he realized you were still showering and blissfully unaware of the damage awaiting outside. JJ refused to let you be in pain because of him and his actions from here on out. It wasn’t fair to any of your friends but especially you. “Not doing anything majorly stupid from here on out. Maybe just a little here and there, but-”

You laughed slightly and pulled your head from his shirt to look over his shoulder where the Chateau was crumbling from the flames. Heart heavy, you leaned your cheek against JJ’s shoulder and let him hold you, hoping this was the lowest your group could go and things could only look up from here.

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navigation

#outer banks x reader #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #outer banks #obx x reader #outer banks netflix #obx #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x you #jj maybank angst #obx3 #jj x you #jj x reader

[bigtittiecomitte]

So I’ll explain about my last post

Honestly there are two characters that I was thinking of when I made it and that’s Doll and V

They’re good characters but there is one issue that I see people overlook or just excuse

Doll - For Doll it’s about her wanting to avenge her parents. Which is not what I’m talking about, I’m more talking about how far she went to make that her goal. She wants to kill V to avenge her parents, that’s her goal but a bunch of drones got hurt and even killed because of Doll’s obsession with killing V. I don’t see a lot of people talk about that but I always wondered why the heck she even thought to kill those drones at prom that were just running away. Her goal at the start was to kill V but it ended with her probably killing V and many others

V - V’s definitely the character I mostly think of when someone mentions a fanbase that would excuse bad actions. This one I’m talking about is especially her relationship to N and her trauma

So people probably already know that I’m obsessed with puzzling N and V’s relationship just bc of how complicated it is but also how it’s the most perfect example of being in love with someone who changed and you might not like those changes

I see a lot of people excuse her behaviour towards him sometimes I don’t think people even remember just how bad she treated him

Just a list of the things that she did to N throughout the series so far

1. Pretending to not know who he is, even to the point where he thought that she didn’t even know his name

2. Wanting to literally kill him in the pilot

3. Letting J abuse him (for this one it’s not clear on what it was like before Uzi showed up but judging by the scene where Uzi leaves, you can see that she let J abuse him)

4. Making remarks that would make him feel even worse (mental abuse?)

5. Beheading him

6. Insulting him

7. Physically assaulting him

8. Ignoring him (which could also be apart of Number One but even then she still ignored him throughout the series)

9. Trying to kill the one drone that he cares so much about

10. Keeping secrets from him and just not communicating at all

Yeah that’s pretty much it maybe but I always see people excuse this as her protecting him

The difference between N and V is that V remembers everything that happened in the mansion while N didn’t. It’s why with how V treated her trauma, N and V could never be in a relationship again

V has trauma and that is something that’s pretty clear but yet again it doesn’t give her an excuse to be like this to someone that she cares about because that will just drive him to go to someone else who treats him better than she has ever since in the mansion

People who excuse her behaviour towards him as just being protective doesn’t understand that and doesn’t understand that hurting your loved ones and hiding stuff from them is something that’s really harmful for your relationships

It’s the reason why I absolutely loved N snapping at her in Episode 4 because while a lot of people have said that N went too far I beg to differ

Not only did N have the absolute right to stand up for himself after being mistreated so long but it’s also an important scene for not only V’s character development but also N’s. That scene gave V a realisation on that if she continues treating him the way she has then N will not be bothered to be around her anymore now that he has Uzi

V’s not a villain absolutely not, she’s just someone who went through a bunch of trauma and didn’t know how to treat that but it still doesn’t give the right to do what she did to N because they all went through the same thing it’s just that V remembers it and N should never feel like he didn’t matter because he does, everyone does

V obviously does care about N and he does for her but they’ve both changed, quite literally. It’s why they can never go back to being those silly worker drones that were in love with each other because people change and it’s ok to be uncomfortable with that

Let’s hope that if V does live then N and V can talk it out and actually be friends, no romance whatsoever, just friends because them having a romance now will just make them miserable

On Tiktok I saw a bunch of people say that N and V should be together bc they’ve known each other longer but that’s not how romantic relationships should be

It should be on how healthy it is and how it would affect your mental and emotional well-being not how long you’ve known someone for

Anyways that’s my explanation on it all boobies

#murder drones #NOT a hate post abt Doll or V btw #or N x V as well #I just like making theories and speculating on their relationship #it’s absolutely fine if you ship it #this is all just my views and opinions

[defilerwyrm]

I'm a trans man who wants phallo SO bad but the Fear Mongering people do makes me so scared. I have such a fear of surgery anyway and people say phallo is nearly 23hrs long, and it has more risks than heart surgery does, and idk if these are true bc I'm too scared to google it..But I want it so bad, but the stuff I hear scares me. Also people saying it doesn't have any sensation worries me. You said trans men can ask about it so I hope this is ok to do on anon!!! I'd appreciate a non fear filled reply so much thanks!!

23 hours!! Those poor surgeons, can you imagine!

Virtual hugs if you’re the hugging type, Anon, and a cool rock if you’re not.

Those things are definitely not true, not remotely. It’s a long surgery, but when I say it’s long that means it’s about 8 hours all told. It sounds like maybe someone heard it referred to as an “all-day” thing meaning a full WORK day, but instead assumed that that meant a full CALENDAR day. Or, you know, a transphobe made shit up to scare people.

It is most definitely not nearly as risky to your wellbeing as a surgery in which they saw open your sternum and cut open your actual beating heart. There is a fairly high chance of a minor complication that can result in the terrible ordeal of getting pee on your pants sometimes—a urethral fistula—and in most cases, they close up on their own anyway without needing another surgery to correct them. And in this case, “fairly high” means 40%, so it’s still less than half a chance that it’ll happen in the first place. At worst it’s annoying. Serious complications, the type that put you in danger, are extremely rare.

The sensation thing is also false, because they literally harvest a length of nerve from your donor site and hook it up to your existing bits specifically so you WILL have sensation! Sure, it takes a little while for the nerve to heal, but that’s just the reality of ANY surgery.

The nerve grows back in your donor site, too, by the way. While I was typing this up I discovered that one particular spot on my graft is ticklish.

Everyone has their own individual healing factor, but speaking for myself, I had full erotic sensation before the 3-month mark, and the orgasms have been incredible. The head and base are highly sensitive, and everything in between responds pretty damn nicely too, just less of a hit-the-ceiling level of sensitivity. And, you know, if you’ve handled an AMAB person’s penis much at all you’ll know that’s pretty much in keeping with how their dicks work too.

It is an in-patient surgery so if you have it, you’ll be staying in a hospital for a few days so they can keep an eye out for rare disasters. My stay was four or five days of snoring most of the day and periodically getting woken up to eat or answer some simple check-in questions, lift my arm for nurses to move stuff, etc, and then conking back out.

Being cathed sucks, but two weeks of frequent trips to the toilet to drain your bag is honestly nothing compared to a lifetime without (or with vastly reduced) bottom dysphoria. That’s the part that I hated. Everything else was your typical recovery: 10-15 days of sleeping 20 hours a day, then however many weeks of being tired, taking meds, and careful washing, gradually feeling more and more normal until you’re back up to full and ready to get back to business as usual.

Except with this one, you get to learn to pee standing up in the process. :D

(Protip: don’t try a public urinal until you’ve got it down pat at home. Not because of cis men, but because the learning process is messy, lol! The overwhelming majority of cis men in public restrooms want nothing to do with anyone else while they’re in there. The only place anyone’s gonna give your dick more than half a second’s accidental glance is in a gay bar. In 8+ years of using public men’s rooms I have yet to see one (1) penis that wasn’t mine!)

#phalloplasty #ftm #trans men #bottom surgery #trans matters #transphobia. #queerdom #medical transition #replies to things

[mamawasatesttube]

do u have thoughts on tim’s autism & how he masks/doesn’t mask around ppl he’s close with? personally i think bart is his vibrating weighted blanket. this ask was brought to you by me yesterday at a concert rocking in place so violently people thought i was on molly peace and love

lord i know i DO have such thoughts but most of them infuriatingly just out of reach at the moment. (<- brain nerfed by a migraine today and also for the past like 2 weeks at this point. augh) lets see what i do got.

in general? tim drake KING of masking. his masks have masks. i dont think he really does it consciously either; i think he grows up just kinda repressing facets of himself depending on his audience and assumes everyone does that. (i don't think he ever gets a formal autism diagnosis or anything as a kid, either. even if a teacher or someone clocked him and mentioned it to his parents i don't think they'd get him any sort of child psych eval. not in the "oh theyre horrible neglectful awful abusive one dimensional figures" way, but in the "sometimes parents take the idea of their kid having any mental health or neurodivergency issues as a personal insult and then sweep them under the rug bc it is easier than addressing any of said behaviors in themselve as well" way. hopefully i am explaining this ok. and you get what i mean. its not like we know much abt janet to begin with but i just dont think jack drake the republican is particularly supportive of nd kids. this is a tangent. anyway)

so to tim i don't think he ever really consciously considers it as masking. it's more of him internally clocking and cataloguing people who are okay to express certain thoughts and behaviors around, in a whole complex categorization system in his mind. very few people get to the category of "fully free expression is allowed" in his head; even his closest friends take yeeaaars to get there. like i don't think that happens until postcanon (postcrisis no flashpoint edition).

bart is def good at being a vibrating blanket. kon is really good at being a weighted blanket (ttk makes his ability to squish people godly). cassie is someone who Gets him really well and makes it easier to communicate even when he's struggling to do so. but even when he trusts them with his life i do think he has trouble actually reaching out or letting them know if he's, like, feeling overstimulated or anything. this is in large part bc he isn't really aware that not every single person has this complicated categorization system of "what can i and can't i act like in front of this person" system going on in their minds at all times.

#answers #Anonymous #i KNOw i had another thought but its gone now #maybe if it comes back to me later ill add on to this. sorry anon you get migraine rimi rambles :T #i don't think i even fully answered the question but alas #tim

[aropride]

wrt that poll abt tone indicators thats going around.w ell first of all tbh i think some of the hatred for them comes from cringe culture. but second of all. some of the criticism is totally fair like there are a fuckton of tone indicators and sometimes . there really dont need to be. and the abbreviations can be confusing i try to type out ones that arent s srs or j. tho i feel like most of the newer ones were popularized on twt so itmakes sense they wouldnt be written all the way out

like i think my prolem is when theres SO many and theyre redundant. i found a carrd with a fuckton of them that im gonna comment on To entertain myself sorry

like these 3 all feel redundant .. why do u need a different tone tag for Mostly joking than Half joking ? or for a Coping joke ? just use /j or combine with with like, /neg or something to get the tone across yknow? and /ji - first of all looks like /ij (inside joke), second of all why not just use /j

and like. why half serious or mostly serious or not serious when /j or /hj exist ? why /ns when it looks so similar to /nsrs, which means the opposite ? ive been using /s since like 2015 and /srs since like 2018 so ivegot those down and dont confuse them but i see why could be for some one who hasnt used them b4, why make it more complicated?

i like /g or /gen in theory- ppl have said its confusing bc gen could be general which i get, but for ppl familiar w tone tags tend to know what it means. genq is one ive used just bc. its fun to type tbh. and i think ppl get what it means but its not really Necessary. BUt genep and genc feel unnecessary when /g and /srs exist, and /gene is just, a word. that's just a word ! 😭

ojh my god. i should do a tone indicator tier list

as you can see my adhd meds are working

/nbr is funny bc half the time when some1 says theyre not being rude they definitely are. also there's already /g /srs and /lh. /nm is either helpful or deeply confusing Bc i try to take it at face value but sometimes i see it and im like. Why would i be mad ? and i start overthinking. but thats a me problem

i like this one i use it when i complain a lot Bc i dont want ppl to think im vagueing them i just love complaining

i love these ones. tone indicators for Being Mean To Someone. dunno if its on this list but ive seen /pa and /sbh (/passive aggressive & /somebody here, respectively) which is SO funny. i dont think theyre helpful really though except /neg Bc again. these all mean very similar things !!! why not just clarify extra things with a parenthetical

THESE R ALL THE SAME TONE !!! why not jsut use one single tone indicator for this !!! or none at all and just type the word !!!

need /nfl on a shirt in the aro colors so poeple know im not fucking interested in them. that aside. 1. whywould u need this ever !!! why not use again just /j if necessary.and 2. isnt the nfl a football thing

these r similar but i do like them, i think typing out a whole word again is a better solution so u dont have to scavenge google for the meaning but i think its helpful to clarify this and isnt synonymous with /j or /s or /lh

i think these ones are almost all just from the op's discord server or w/e, i won't bash that cuz if it works for them it works, that being said i dont think This many tone indicators for these types of things r helpful outside of that specific context yknow? also, /fx is really funny

ok i wont say that typing tics dont exist bc tics can be complex and vary by situation etc so im sure they can, but is that happening That much that u need a tone tag for it ? and also like. for /unin just delete the msg or say "oops sent too early hang on" or smth.. and as for vocal stim. first of all why is it /vt ? and second of all . why ... would u need that to type out ? bc if ur vocal stimming that would be. out loud? i.e. not in a chat where youre typing ???????@????>?,//???? BAFFLING. also in what situation is /gib necessary i genuinely cant think of one

ANYWAY.

None of this is to rag on tone indicators (/genuine) i think they can be helpful + i am always being gensrs when i use them. i just think some r a little silly & a lot from longer lists are unhelpful Bc theyre supposed to make communication Easier and Clearer + haveing So many tone indicators with Different Implied Tones WITHIN the indicators !!! makes it harder imo. bc if theyre to clarify tone why should i have to fight for my life deciphering why someone went from /mj to /hj yknow.

like this is all my Opinion and imsure these r all helpful for Someone otherwise they wouldnt exist but i rly feel like the system could be condensed a bit yk.

do i have a system in mind to suggest here ? well.

(also. this whole post is /genuine, /lighthearted, /not upset, and /not passive aggressive. and a bit /silly)

#text

[thorniest-rose]

Ok so Steve breaks up with Eddie bc their relationship is just too intense. They’re just completely co dependant with each-other and he doesn’t think it’s normal and tries to do the right thing. Eddie doesn’t give a fuck though and just wears him down any way he can. Whether it’s making him jealous, ‘randomly’ bumping into him, spreading rumours about him etc… eventually Steve can’t take the mind games and tries to hash it out. Eddie gets off on the fact that Steve finally came to him, and masterfully sweet talks him into giving things another go. This is the toxic cycle. Eddie can be the sweetest most wholesome guy when he wants to be, but he can also fuck with Steve’s head like no other when he wants to, as well.

oh my god I honestly love this so much, I can't lie. There's a big part of me that always craves dark and messy relationships in fic, I think because I find it a lot more true to what real-life romance and relationships can be like. Like I understand that fic is about escapism and of course it's lovely to write sweet fic where everyone gets their happily ever after, I TOTALLY understand that desire. But I also love it when characters are complicated and flawed, and where relationships are passionate and intense but with all the bad things that come with a highly charged dynamic like that. When people get jealous and possessive to the point of controlling, and where two people become completely codependent and so wrapped up in each other everything else falls away.

So I would LOVE to see a fic where Eddie and Steve break up but they're still obsessed with each other. And I'd love to see a version of Eddie, who never had anything of his own growing up or anything special that belonged to him, who's unable to let Steve go. Who would actually be mean to Steve and say nasty things because it's so much better to get a rise out of him than to be given the cold shoulder. And, as you've said, I would LOVE to see an Eddie who, yes is sweet and gentle and sensitive, just like he is on the show, but has another side where he's manic and obsessive and who knows how to manipulate a deeply insecure Steve to get what he wants. Like is it unhealthy? Yes. Is it toxic? Yes. Does it verge on being abusive? Yes! But sometimes that's exactly the kind of fic I want. Like I love how you've written "he can fuck with Steve's head like no other when he wants to" and I think that would be SUCH an intriguing dynamic to explore within the realms of a Steddie fic.

I think people generally get scared of writing fic like this because of the potential backlash and being accused of romanticising unhealthy or abusive relationships (which has happened to me in the past). I feel like dynamics like this were much more common in fic years ago and now are much harder to find. But the landscape of fandoms is so different now too. Content is policed to a much higher degree and there’s a lot of judgement and public scrutiny. Where there used to be this collective understanding of “don’t like, don’t read” etc, people are a lot more aggressive now when they see content they don’t like and will readily call people out publicly and question their motives. And it's such a shame because I love variety in fic, and while I love fic that's sweet and tender, there will always be the part of me that craves darker fic too.

Anyway this was a whole rant sorry!!! But your ask is like catnip to me, I want to write a toxic ex Steddie fic so badly.

#asks #steddie #i'll add #tw abuse #just to be safe #i don't actually ever consider what i write to be abuse but i have had people accuse me of that a lot in the past #toxic ex eddie verse

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok wait now i wanna talk abt weird/interesting things from my experience getting top surgery. ive seen other ppl talk abt some of these things b4 but not all of em

i thought my surgeon was gonna do the incision, like, underneath the curve of my tiddies?? he ended up kinda slicing thru the middle of them, so my scars run over the middle of my pecs, not underneath them

speaking of; ig my pecs are more developed than i thought since my chest isnt like perfectly flat but rather both my pecs have a layer of fat/flesh on them and i can feel the muscle underneath

also the dip/space inbetween from when i had tiddies looks p much exactly the same, my surgeon said sometimes it ends up buldging out and a revision is needed but thankfully that didnt happen to me

the discharge nurse let me know afterwards that my tits were 11 kilograms (right 6kg and left 5kg) like no fucking wonder i have back pain at the tender age of 19

so yknow how pain raises ur body temp and makes u sweat?? immediately upon waking up i was so warm and damp i told a nurse id soiled myself and needed a change of underwear, i hadnt! i was just really fucking sweaty lol

i also threw up twice after waking up (fortunately into containers both times), turns out anesthetic doesnt agree w/ me, also it was like a dark bottle green?? since id been fasting from the night b4 ig i was bringing up nothing but bile

pre-surgery they cldnt get the IV in my left hand and had to switch to my right and ig that made my heart rate pick up bc one of the asistants immediately came by my head and talked to me to calm me down, he was rlly nice :)

im p sure i conked out within seconds of them getting the IV in and starting up the anesthetic too, none of that 'count back from 10' shit, i took like 2 and a half deep breathes and was OUT

from a combination of the iodine and natural swelling/bruising my chest looked REALLY yellow for like 3 weeks after surgery

i got sent home the same day i got my surgery, they keep some ppl over night if theres complications but apparantly i was all good to go after resting in the post-op ward for few hours

speaking of, i woke up, puked, got some water, dicked around on tumblr, called my mum, took an 'i lived bitch' selfie, slept for a few hours, woke up, went on tumblr again, got dressed w/ some help from a nurse, pissed (by myself, woo!), and then got discharged

my scars are uneven! my left incision goes further under my armpit than my right one, and my scars vary in thickness, it actually looks kinda like ive got two scars on my left side bc it thins out so much in the middle for a few milimeters

my nipples are also a lil uneven and they ended up puckering up as they healed so i kinda looks like ive always got stiff nips oops, also theyre more brown than pink

apparantly that might be bc they took the nipple graft from my areaola bc they werent able to graft the actual nipple, idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯, obvi it doesnt look perfectly like a cis guy's nipples but i knew the chances of achieving that were relatively small + p dependent on how i healed so like im not too bothered by it

my surgeon used dissolvable stitches and one of em ended up poking out thru my scar a lil b4 it disolved, which was weird

showering w/ a plastic sandwich bag duct taped to ur chest so u dont get ur scars and nips wet is An Experience TM i'll tell u that

my scars stretched!! it happens!! esp if u raise ur arms, which u will inevitably have to do eventually, idk if they'll ever fade on their own or if i'll need scar revision treatment in the future but fortunately they didnt go keloid

my surgeon used what he called crosshatched stitching rather than drains so that saved me a lot of discomfort, i DID get a slight build up of like, i think around 40ish mls of fluid in my left side a few weeks after surgery, but my surgeon dealt w/ it by p much just poking it w/ a syringe and draining it out lol

which i didnt even feel him do at the time bc of the nerve damage lmao, which was weird asf since i could very much SEE him sticking the needle in but couldnt feel it at all

i regained my mobility like, straight away?? my surgeon said bc im young + relatively healthy it was likely that id bounce back from surgery quick but like,, i had none of the exhaustion, pain, or immobility ive seen ppl describe??

i couldnt lift my arms very high for a while obvi but like i was fine dressing myself and even washing my own hair if i just leaned over

having to sleep upright for a few weeks after surgery was v annoying since i usually rotate like a shawarma trying to find a comfy sleeping position

the post-op chest binder was sensory hell bc it was scratchy and it kept slipping down my back since it had no shoulder straps, also i accidentally bruised my ribs a lil bit by wearing it too tight oops, the fuckin relief i felt when they told me i cld stop wearing it

the post-op 'please wear these at all times so u dont get thrombosis' socks were p comfy tho, idk why they didnt cover my toes tho

regaining the sensation around ur scars is weird! my right side's been completely fine but ig bc my left scar is thicker + longer ive been getting some pain n tightness, its not a persistent issue or anything but its just kind weird bc ive never had any surgeries or major injuries to heal from before this one

u will have to get ur boobs felt up and examined probaby multiple times b4 surgery, this will feel very different from touching ur own boobs and, in my case, was ticklish??

my posture has improved somewhat since getting top surgey, what not having 11kg of weight hanging off ur chest and compressing it in towards ur ribs/spine for roughly 9 hours a day will do to a mf ig

#ftm #transgender #top surgery #og post // #uuuh fine to rb ig lol

[alec-1016]

hey i watched and finished 911 lone star this week, so imma bring uo something that is very old(s1 or 2) but that impacted me A LOT

And that is the first(second? one of the first) tarlos fight, about Carlos telling his parents TK was his friend. I understand and feel for TK, especially after being fresh from a traumatic break up from a relationship in which he was clearly more invested than his partner(fuck u alex).

But I feel so much for Carlos. I am brazilian, like Rafael, and I feel like i live in the Reyes household, when Carlos was young. I am Carlos at 17, coming out, being hugged, being loved, and then having that part of himself be pushed under the rug. I will never come out to my extended family. I may take a while to transition medically, or never transition, not because I live with especially close-minded people, but because I live with humans that are sometimes afraid of what they don't know.

When Carlos said "I don't wanna rub their noses in it" I felt that, because I can't even talk to my mom about Lone Star without telling her that what drew me to it was the queer rep, esp the trans rep. Lat time I talked to my mom about a show like this, it was Star Trek Discovery, and she said "Wow, are there only gay people in these things you watch?". Needless to say, I tend to refrain from mentioning characters that arent cishet now.

I will have to cut contact with most of my family when I come out, if I wanna get married, get my name changed, etc.

When TK said "I thought they were nice people" and Carlos said "They ARE nice people. But they are not perfect" I felt that because I love my mom. She supported me though all of my crazy dreams, and my depressive episodes, my autism diagnosis. But she doesn't see her son when she looks at me, and she can't say my name. I have complicated feelings about my father, because he is a cheater w anger issues, but he calls me his son. He sends me articles on trans rights here in my town. He wants to see me become whatever I want. But he also left.

What I wanna say is, I never realized I needed latino rep in my media until I got it, especially queer latino rep. I am white passing, though both my grandmothers are/were black, so I always thought I was ok with seeing characters that were brunettes, like Hermione, or Belle. But seeing Encanto, and now Lone Star I actually saw my family there, with the mess and the thousands of tios and tias and primos, and the catholic guilt and the good food.

What I'm saying is Rafa said "The fact that we [Ronen and Rafa/ TK and Carlos] can just walk into your living room without your asking? Yeah, that brings me joy" bc ls is not a queer show.It's a show about first responders, and some of them happen to be queer. It's not next to RuPaul's drag race on the straming catalogue, but next to action shows. And it reminds me that people think that is "shoving it in theur faces". Because they feel queer rep, and queer PEOPLE should come with a warning, because they ferl they have the right to simply ignore out existence. Sometimes ut feels like simply existing is "shoving it in their faces" and I'm tired.

I am very privileged in my country, being the child of university professors, even though both of them grew up very poor. I am middle class, with fairly open parents and a queer sister, and for that I am grateful, and I realize that my situation is better than a lot of people's. I am not denying that. But it feels nice to see a story that looks like mine, not just a face. A story in US media, that I grew up watching and worshipping, far more than the relatively conservative media from Brazil(especially the novelas, jesus christ, someone save us from globo, recodrd and band and sbt), with a boy that reminds me so much of myself. With a trans male character for fuck's sake, that has to deal with the mess of dating as a trans person, of navigating your family and your transition. These people showed me that I am not alone.

Also Rafael is from my town and ever since I foumd that out I have been giggling internally, you guys have no clue 😅😅

Oh well, another rant no one asked for but I delivered anyways. I am very depressed, very disphoric and very hyperfixated on 911 ls, so...sorry, not sorry?

#Rafael Silva #911 #911 lone star #carlos reyes #tk strand #tyler kennedy strand #tarlos #latino #latina #latine #latinx #latino rep #brasil #brazil

[rollercoasterwords]

heyyy! rereading atyd sirius pov I wanted to ask you why did you make dumbledore tell sirius that remus was the spy? in the original I never got the sense that dumbledore didn’t trust remus, given that him and moody still gave remus important missions. I thought that Sirius came to the conclusion that Remus was the spy on his own bc he was paranoid

i loooooved the fic btw! i’m still rereading it constantly

hi!! sorry it’s taken me a bit to answer this because i saw it and was like “oh boy THAT’S gonna turn into an essay.” so here we go! (this is truly so fucking long jfc i’m sorry)

ok so i spent...probably too much time thinking about what was going on inside sirius’s head during the war and what could have led to him suspecting remus -- obviously, there are lots of ways to interpret it, so this is all just my interpretation and you can feel free to disagree/think otherwise! but my thinking was along the lines of

1. an extremely important part of sirius’s character is his loyalty to those he loves. i think this loyalty becomes sort of a character flaw sometimes, in that it doesn’t allow him to let go of people even if he should -- and i tried to bring that out throughout the fic in relation to his family. even when his mother essentially tortures him with lacero in the summer of 1975, he still goes home for christmas thinking ‘my parents would never REALLY hurt me, because they’re my parents.’ like, he isn’t consciously loyal to them per se, but he can’t let go of this idea that your family isn’t supposed to hurt you until he’s literally at risk of death. and then, same thing with regulus--even though, from sirius’s perspective, there’s all this evidence that his brother has basically thrown in his lot with their parents, he still can’t let go of that loyalty he feels until reg literally screams at him to fuck off--and even after that he has these really complicated feelings surrounding his brother and still has this sense of disbelief that reg could actually be a bad person, again, despite all evidence to the contrary.

2. okay, so there needs to be a catalyst -- some sort of moment where sirius experiences a fundamental shift in worldview, where he’s forced to confront or reckon with this really deep-rooted loyalty that he so often finds himself tangled in. i knew going into the war chapters that, for me, that moment was going to be his brother’s death. in the mkb canon, it’s after his brother’s death that he and remus basically stop talking about the war, so i felt like the groundwork was already there for an important shift. what i was trying to portray with my version of sirius’s reaction was that, essentially, sirius is completely unable to cope with his brother’s death. the grief is so big that he can’t touch it--he just represses it, but the only way to do that is to try and convince himself that he doesn’t care, and the only way to do that is to tell himself that reg was a bad person who deserved what he got. sirius doesn’t truly believe that, but he has to try and convince himself that he does anyway, because it’s the only way he’s able to cope with what happened. so his brother’s death creates this shift in worldview where sirius basically realizes: the people i love can be capable of evil, and there’s nothing i can do about it. like -- he’s forced to reckon with the fact that he cannot stop the people he loves from doing terrible things, and he can’t stop the consequences they might face thanks to the terrible things they do. 

so at this point, we get to a situation where sirius is now more on guard than he was before, where he isn’t quite as trusting of the people he loves because he is now actively repressing that instinct towards blind loyalty. at this point, i felt like it made sense to start writing in growing doubts and suspicions regarding remus’s behavior. i tried to highlight the parallel between remus and regulus in sirius’s thinking to help explain these doubts, too -- i think sirius, in an effort to understand remus, would relate a lot of the stuff with the werewolves to things with his own family. like, i think sirius’s thinking was sort of along the lines of, ‘we both have these evil ~families~ that we’re tied to through no fault of our own, and we both just need to reject them and show people we’re not the same as them.’ obviously, this isn’t really an accurate parallel; remus doesn’t need to reject all werewolves, and even though greyback is evil, it’s not the same situation as the black family -- i think this faulty relation is what leads to a lot of hurt and misunderstanding when remus doesn’t just flat-out reject greyback’s pack and people like livia, who sirius views at this point as unequivocally evil.

so now we finally get to spring of 1981, where tension is running high all around and nobody is really trusting each other like they used to. sirius is having these doubts about remus, and then james gets hurt, and suddenly it seems certain there’s a spy in their midst. i got to this point of writing, and found myself at a crossroads that i wasn’t entirely sure what to do with.

on the one hand, i could have written sirius reaching the conclusion that remus is the spy on his own. i think that...might have worked. and i think (at this point i don’t entirely remember lol) that that was what i was originally planning? but when i actually got to that point, it just...didn’t feel quite right to me. 

because the thing is, even though we’re at this point where sirius has all these doubts, and he knows the people he loves can do terrible things, i had still written him as a character who had this loyalty to the people he loves at his core. like, with reg, i’d written him repressing his conviction that his brother was somehow a good person, but the conviction was still there, y’know? so i just didn’t see a way for him to genuinely believe that remus was capable of being the spy on his own--i think he’d have all these doubts, and this more paranoid side of his brain that was like you shouldn’t be trusting remus, there are all these weird things happening, look at what happened with reg. but i’d written him as being just so...like...in love with remus that i felt like i had created a situation where it wasn’t really plausible for sirius to make the switch into thinking remus was the spy on his own. 

so...dumbledore. 

now, for me, the dumbledore stuff as i wrote it could be interpreted in one of two ways, and honestly both make sense to me; i wrote it intentionally with these two possible interpretations in mind.

1. dumbledore genuinely suspected that remus was the spy after what happened with james, because it seemed as though he was the only ‘outside’ person who knew where they would all be. plus, dumbledore really did have remus doing important prophecy research--i think it makes sense that he could find that suspicious, in hindsight. however, the keyword here is suspected, because i think even if dumbledore was suspicious he still wouldn’t want to let on that he thought remus might be the spy--he’d want to continue as normal and wait for remus to slip up, or try to catch him somehow. i get the point about missions, but honestly, i don’t think remus was actually doing a ton of like...really important work for the Order after spring 1981. like we don’t really hear about him having any crucial missions until he gets sent to see the werewolves, and i tried to kind of address that with sirius’s thoughts in that chapter -- he asks himself if this is some sort of loyalty test for remus, or just an excuse to get him out of the way for a while. honestly, i think it could have been either, if we’re going with the interpretation that dumbledore suspects remus of being the spy.

2. dumbledore was pulling the strings all along. if you’re a dumbledore-was-behind-everything-theorist, this one’s for you. in this interpretation, dumbledore understands from the prophecy that there’s going to need to be a ‘chosen one’ to ultimately defeat voldemort, and he intentionally sets out to create that chosen one. he knows a love sacrifice will make harry invulnerable, which means lily and james have to die; he knows peter is the spy; he knows there are basically three options for who james would make secret keeper if he goes into hiding. he gets rid of remus by convincing sirius that remus is the spy, then he gets sirius to doubt himself enough to make sure that it’s peter. he gets to test his theory when voldemort attacks lily and james; he weakens voldemort exponentially and gets unimpeded access to shape his chosen one however he wishes in one fell swoop. is this interpretation a bit of a stretch? maybe. but it sure is fun! 

either way, i think dumbledore’s manipulation would be the catalyst needed to get sirius to try and convince himself that remus was the spy. again, i wrote it to sort of parallel his response to his brother’s death -- he represses what he actually feels, and forces himself to think the thing that he thinks will help him survive. so, with remus, i don’t think sirius ever truly believed he was the spy, like at the core of himself i just don’t think he had it in him to believe that. BUT he’s in this situation where he’s desperate to protect james and harry and lily, and he has all these lingering doubts that have built up, and now here’s dumbledore basically telling him that not only can he not trust remus, but he can’t trust himself--and for me, that was what was needed to push him over the edge. 

TL;DR - with the way i’d characterized sirius, i didn’t think it was plausible for him to fully believe that remus was the spy without some outside catalyst, and it made sense to me that dumbledore would be that catalyst!

#atydsp #ask

[eruditetyro]

And another thing. I am still thinking AB that convo we had about her not wanting pynch to be endgame by the end/feeling too constrained by the fandom because it DOES SHOWWWW which makes me sad bc my brother is reading trc (finally convinced him) and I love them so much in it

OK so hot take essay time.

YA lit and tumblr-popular lit in general, imo, seem to have a problem with breakups (they do not do them! and if they do, they only do them in relationships where the reader Knew they were not endgame). and often, this is fine: the story ends at a high point for the characters, often newly in love or feeling newly secure in their relationships. trc ended here: the obstacles of the series were done, and everyone was ready to explore the new romance between them. that's a great place to end a story. tdt continues beyond this point, and it tells a story that has different stakes, different goals, and a different endgame. life's like that too-- things change, and people change, and sometimes the tension unearths some previously hidden cross-purpose or incompatibility. sometimes these things are resolvable and sometimes they're not and sometimes whether they are or not depends wholly on some external factor. relationships are complicated! and sometimes they are really, really good, and they still end. sometimes they even end poorly when at the beginning they seemed perfect. and i think we are so scared to explore that in stories because it's fucking depressing, and it lengthens the story: you can't just end a series with a ronan who has just gone through a breakup. you'd have to take him back to joy somehow. and after a breakup with someone like adam, a relationship like the one they had, i think it'd take a while for ronan to get back to joy somehow. and the story would have to work him through it.

i don't think maggie originally intended for pynch's story to go that way (i think this is how relationships in real life work too: you don't go into them expecting to break up) but i think with how the characters grew over the course of the dreamer trilogy, it would have made sense, narratively, for them to break up. i think that if they had broken up in greywaren, the series would have had to have been more than a trilogy, in order to end it with ronan anywhere near fine. ronan, a character with (manic) depression, would have a hard time coming back. and i think it would have been quite a difficult thing to write. breakups can be a type of grief and mourning, and ronan has experienced so much of that already. i don't think maggie keeping pynch together was necessarily a copout, but i do wish i still believed in them at the end.

and, you know, maybe it was kind of a copout. can you imagine what the general fandom response would have been to a pynch breakup? god. it would have been terrible. the only reason blue and adam got away with dating and breaking up the way they did was because the reader knew from the beginning they weren't endgame: pynch WAS endgame for trc, and to write tdt, and have the appearance of a heel turn on that? oh my god, people would have been so angry. (I would have really liked it though, for reasons we have previously discussed.)

in general, i am struggling to think of a piece of media i've read where there's a heartbreak on the level a pynch breakup would've been. certainly there are movies where a character starts from some time after a breakup, and is maybe confronted with their ex to add complexity to the plot of them getting with someone new. but i think that it just takes a long time to write a relationship that's that compelling at the beginning and then ends, and then to bring it back to a high note. it's not something that often happens on-page.

anyway. as i've said. i'm a pynch breakup truther. i still LOVE LOVE LOVE them and their dynamic in the raven cycle. genuinely they are so good for each other in that series. but the fact of the matter is that for the vast majority of the dreamer trilogy, their relationship is rocky at best, and a mind meld scene just didn't cut it as a resolution to that for me (is it enough for two people to want each other, when there are practical forces against them, or when what they want from each other is in conflict?). anyway. i think the fact that they end up like that later doesn't negate how nice it was at the start. just because something ends doesn't mean it wasn't good back when it was good. i think both states of their relationship are allowed to be true. anyway. that's my opinion on that.

#maybe it's just bc with my own bad breakup i feel like a mind meld would have also resulted in us breaking up #and honestly? the mind meld breakup probably would have hurt more #greywaren spoilers #tdt

[un-pearable]

ok finished s2. thoughts:

number 1. zayne, lloyd, and garmedon definitely the lineup of favorite characters.

number 2. i hate. i hate misako. i hate her. i really hope she either a) gets some massive character development or b) never shows up in a relevant capacity again

^ some snippets of my anger

number 3. lloyd deserves a break. please. please give him a break for five minutes let him win sometimes im not asking for much. pretty much all he did this season was lose.

number 4. much to my unsurprise i think i am a little bit deranged abt lloyd & garmadon. maybe later ill be able to string a coherent thought together but like man garmadon loved his son so much he literally overrode his more or less preprogrammed nature . head in hands . like the whole thing they had going on this season where they just . Really Do Not Want To Fight bc they love each other so much even though theyre destined to or whatever. like YES YES YESSSS i LOVE stories where the characters fight so bitterly against the fate the author has chosen for them.

number 5.

obsessed with this zayne outfit he looks like a middle aged barbeque dad

number 6. very glad to see dareth again after so many years. hes iconic hes a legend he is the moment

number 7. mentally i am not prepared for the cole/naya/jay love triangle that i distantly recall being a thing that i believe is coming up sometime in the possibly near future but at least itll never be weirder than whatever the heck was going on this season between misako and wu. i had completely forgotten that subplot was a thing and was taken so offguard when it came up

so yeah overall im having a very fun time and i am terribly excited to continue. for next season, i sincerely hope misako either gets her act together or stops being relevant, i want to see more stupid team bonding shenanigans, i desperately want some more of garmedon & lloyd, and also i would really like to see some more relationship development between various pairs of the crew. also also prayer circle that zayne does some more stuff this season 🙏 also also also. more alternate outfits please and thank you

1. your taste is impeccable 🤝

2.

little miss child abandonment why are you here. literally every plotline about you would be improved if lloyd had the complicated feelings he rightfully should

3. HE DOES HE DOES where’s that tweet from the show runner saying he was made for suffering. this kid deserves the world and a push pop and all he gets is a tetris game of trauma

4. would be THRILLED to hear your thoughts about them bc i too am incredibly deranged about them and you always have The takes of all time. what a fuckin stunning dynamic for a show that’s such a delightful mess

5. zane rights to be Just Some Guy. i Need to draw this now i can’t get that description out of my head agdhfjfj

6. dareth. king of bit characters. the only ninja i respect. he only gets better and i’m thrilled that i can say that genuinely

7. AGSHDJ YEAH. the love triangle is so awkward i will remember it all my days. misako and wu? so bad i forgot it ever happened bc it annoyed me that much.

heck yeah!!!! thankfully they do flesh out more the of the less focused dynamics in the new few seasons but Oh are you in for an experience,,, tysm for the update i’m on the edge of my seat.

#YOU. YOU ARE DEFINITELY IN FOR *SOMETHING* #zane DOES get to do more. i promise. i am still in pain a decade later bc of it #i love s2 so much as a concept…. guys who saved the country live in a 1 bedroom apt and train The Chosen One #is a goddamn hilarious concept i wish it was utilized to its full potential #text✨ #ninjago #extremely extremely sorry people are rbing this i should really figure out how the restrict stuff works #tysm for sharing with me though!!! sry #liveninjablogging

[cosmicharmonyoc]

warning: what follows is a way too long analysis of With My Tail To The World by patricia taxxon as a den song. and its written kinda badly bc im so sleepy but oh well <3 woe, oc playlists be upon ye

i guess to start - the entire sound of this is SO den. the energy in the synths. the way its pushing forward. there's this bright exciting energy to all of it and it's so so den!! me and den r both stimming to this song :3 and then the way the synths get a bit darker in the chorus but keep up that energy.... OUGH its so cool

ok so lyrics time

You would know me if you saw me on the road / I’m imposing, I’m explosive, I’m precocious, I’m the most

den's whole personality that he presents to the world is the MOST - enthusiastic and silly and energetic and optimistic and positive. now that he's on the elpis, he's crafted a version of himself that is impossible to hide, who is loud and bright and loving.

Can you sing along? / I don’t hold you to the best, but / Can’t you see the lines and dots? / Don’t you feel as if you’re missing something?

a lot of things here. a) can you sing along - music - cosmic harmony. music is a big theme for the story and just :3 . b) this is starting to get to how den perceives the world. he's an artist, and a lot of how he interacts with the world is through that lens. he interprets the world by thinking in terms of art - can you see the lines and dots?

I’m a skeptic of the senses, I don’t think you’ve broke / The terror found in relishing pretention, I don’t think you’ve spoke / To any of your characters, purveyors of your barriers / The scariest it gets is far behind the world you know, so...

ok i wont lie and pretend i understand any of this ghjk i love the lyrics so much though!! what i do think happens here is like... den's this character who calls identity into question. in a story all about identity and figuring out who you want to be, den is all about like... purposefully crafting the Self. im still trying to figure out what this verse means but there's something going on with den calling the world into question - by looking at it through an artistic lens, deconstructing everything. "the scariest it gets is far behind the world you know" is very fun coming from him in his relationship with honeycomb - den is part of this weird, magical, and sometimes scary world that others dont know about.

Can you sing along? / She was looking like a summer / Can’t you see the lines and dots? / And in turn, beget the sun within her

here we start to get a look at den and creation and the Self and his relationships with the space squad. specifically aria. the word sun is in there, i have to :p the idea of seeing the lines and dots - den's art - in order to create the sun within her - DEN IS A NEBULA AND ARIA IS A STAR! nebulas create stars! aria's identity exists without den of course hehe but there's this interesting thing going on where like... den uses his art to show people who they are in his mind. his painting of honeycomb is a prominent plot point - the way den uses his art to turn people into these bright and powerful symbols. and in terms of his friendship with aria, he definitely does something similar - helping her to see herself as a bright burning star, the way he does. helping her to create herself.

You think you know the mistress, well / You see me as I am, but... // Can you see me with the lights off? / The quale I brought to class? / Articulate the beauty of a flower held behind my back

and here we get into the complicated nature of identity - den is a deeper person than that loud energetic optimistic self he presents. its an authentic version of himself, but that light isn't all there is to him. den is optimistic but not entirely naive, energetic but not out of control - he is a force of creation to be reckoned with. idk quite how to describe any of this lol but if we're looking at the self as a creation, den is basically saying here "there's more to me than my surface". and of course turning the lights off here - den has light powers! he's in control of the lights! and so there's this question of. who is he when the lights are off? when he changes the colors? can you see him beyond the surface level paint?

I’m that doggie in the window of your church / Every Sunday, you could see me if your muzzle formed the words / Think absurdly in the evening, think concretely by the dawn / Think along the lines you recognize, but never dared to walk

den fursona when. also den comes from a conservative christian family and so there's something so fun here about him challenging the values and standards of that culture!! and that last line... there's a LOT to it but one thing worth mentioning is like... how much den plays with gender. he's technically cis but he's Cis+. he's fucking with gender and doing what he wants - he recognizes the lines and is walking with them and turning them into absurd concepts :3

ok, last verse before its the chorus again, so final new lyrics to analyze!

Can you sense the gold within a Friendship saved? / Can you lens the lurid lines belied inside On A Clear Day? / Can you grab the squalid square laid bare amongst a Desert Rain? Can you nab the stained stripes entwined a meek Untitled 8? I say!

so With My Tail To The World is about the artist agnes martin, and all of the lines here reference her works. this song actually made me consider making den's art more abstract, which i think works well with his character!! this is just. PERFECTLY how den views the world. all of these abstract art pieces that are easy to dismiss as being simplistic are reflections of the world!! this is questioning those same things about identity and the world and art - can you see the world in these paintings? can you see how i see the world? this verse is just... an anthem for den's view on art and the world and WAUGH I LOVE IT. also this verse is so fun to sing out loud lol. also fun fact Friendship by agnes martin is this giant grid of gold and just... i think its perfect for den's friendship with aria hehe

#den #cosmic harmony #space squad #this is not well written ghjk im bad at #describing why its a den song #it just is #it just vibes #lyric analysis

[fencesandfrogs]

Hi 👋 as a singlet thinking about writing DID and systems and moon knight, have you watched sense8? I know it is not a story about DID but I couldn’t help but notice similarities. Could you give us an opinion on that fictional portrayal of multiple people sharing a body?

hm well ok one. love sense8. sense8 au has been fav tag on ao3 since they invented fav tags. have. there's a check please sense8 au i reread a lot.

it is a very good show. not surprised by why i love it now. used to latch onto anything like that. grew up very lonely. daemons, sense8 clusters, anything like that. favourite fantasies.

two. while i like sense8, it's not really anything like osddid. there r many reasons. no trauma. multiple bodies. not from childhood. etc.

these things r important.

oh n the eye contact thingy. that's. urgh. i don't want to go further bc it is. well. if u know u know and if u don't know i apologize but i will not tell u.

three. i think sense8 is a very good show. i think it explores an interesting idea. there r elements that feel very.

ok u know how. they share space? and it's cool and fuzzy n stuff?

that's how i feel abt my system a lot. i don't like. literally see them where they're not. but a lot of time. i like to see them filling space with me. s'kinda like. a game? oh ur sitting on that chair. not a hallucination or anything i just. like doing it. have lots of practice as a kid xd.

problem is that the show is nothing like did because there's weird interactions stuff that doesn't happen when ur just like. thinking oh that guy would b there etc.

so like.

idk i relate to parts of sense8. sharing ur life hard. sharing ur life fun.

but it's not very much like osddid. there's a lot.

okay i didn't understand this line at first. but u see a lot of people say "osddid is not just alters disorder." and i didn't really understand that at first. for many reasons.

but if i can try to break it down.

the guys in my head and i are one person that just never integrated. s'like. i'm not a full person. that's okay. i'm one part of a full person. n if u add us all together i'd like to think we're more than a full person. at least one and a quarter people. there's some complicated unpicking to do here: we're different people. me n mari n current host r not the same person at all at all at all. but we're not separate either.

but the. the things. urgh.

there's memory loss and terrible dissociation n arguing with urself n. y'know. i was hurt as a child in a way that was incomprehensible to me.

(people with osddid sometimes say that but like. "to you." i don't like that phrasing. my trauma is very comprehensible to others. but it wasn't to me, as a child. n that's what matters.)

i like sense8 a lot. i am now maybe going to bug my guys about imagining us as a sense8 cluster. i think that would be a fun bonding activity.

but other than a few things, it's nothing like did so it's hard to compare.

<3

#ask #anon #mine #sense8 #this got very rambly #n i don't think i really got at how much the multiple bodies thing affects matters #but #idk #i feel like if i was in a cluster #they would just get me the system #that's how separate these things r to me #altho i do think the projection thingy would be whoever was fronting #i'm making that my headcanon now #also will someone write me a moon knight sense8 au

[rrelationshipadvice]

i think im in love with my friend, and i confessed about a year ago and they don't reciprocate, which i understand, esp bc theyre aro. we're still friends and i care about them a lot, and i miss them a lot since they had to move even further away than before and are going through a lot, and we dont talk as much as before. i try to offer my support as best as i can but they know i am also mentally fragile so they dont open up to me as much (at least i think thats the reason)

im so touch starved i think, and i wanted really hard at one point to be more physically intimate/close with them, i always asked about if they were uncomfortable before and after we hung out, usually i leaned on them or put my head on their shoulder, sometimes hugged or tried to cuddle or hold them, and they always said it was fine, but it also seemed like they were shying away sometimes and not initiating stuff and i was really confused so i kept asking about it, and i think i scared them off by trying to seek this closeness or by asking about it so much instead of letting it happen naturally… they said they realize they arent really comfortable being super physical with anyone so i stopped trying that. they still initate physical contact like tight hugs when we see each other after a long while and putting their head on my shoulder so i feel like its ok if i do the same back sometimes but i dont try to seek it out specifically that much anymore bc i dont understand what theyre okay with really… they dont seem to mind me telling them theyre hot and losing my shit at their preformances, they call me hot sometimes too or appreciate how i look. they have talked about sex and sexual stuff and specifically didnt call themselves ace in a situation where others (including me) were pointed out to be ace so i think theyre not? and they talk about both fictional and irl hot men and sex and sexy fics and stuff. ive been thinking im ace for a while bc ive never really had specific sexual feelings for real people before(only for fictional characters, or like getting turned on when reading fics of a ship i love). but now ive been imagining myself doing stuff with them(so obvious im a virgin too lmao idk how to talk about sex) and i cant tell if im like. Actually experiencing these feelings or if im so attached to them im trying to imagine any possible configuration of a closer relationship to them…

and i keep imagining talking to them about it all and them agreeing to be in a fwb situation or queerplatonic relationship or something… they were okay for a bit with calling us queerplatonic or partners or (fandom term) for very close friends, but we stopped bc they felt it put too much like. pressure on our relationship to be Something and follow certain idk behaviours, and i assume it was because of the closeness i desired too probably then...

so i dont think it would ever happen really, after that, esp since i dont seem like their type, and i think they think im super asexual because i feel relatively uncomfortable casually talking about sex bc im so inexperienced… and also bc im 22 and theyre 19 and internet bullshit has made me feel predatory for a lot of things. i often feel bad or gross even imagining things with them or even being attracted to them because of that. sigh why is shit so complicated :/

ig i dont really have a specific question for advice, really just wanted to share this with Someone bc i dont feel like i can. but if anyone has advice or can emphatize or uncover some nifty aro/ace stuff i dont know of yet bc i havent done enough research id appreciate it lmao, ty for this blog <3

.

#advice #relationship advice #friend advice #dating advice

[auroramosaic]

im gonna start documenting my experience on testosterone so far! nothing hugely in depth just a lil overview for me to check back later. And bc I'd appreciate having seen some of this, esp the complications, before starting t

SO. I was kind of in a rush to start testosterone as soon as I could. Anxiety about laws and trying to be convinced out of it by family really pushed that faster than was probably smart

And I am multiply disabled - several of the conditions have symptoms that have been worsened to an unmanageable degree by testosterone (namely POTS - i overheat so easily and so extremely now)

Most people don't have to worry too much about side effects or worsening comorbid symptoms when starting HRT, and I'm really Really not tryna start any fearmongering. I just wasn't as fully aware of all the different ways it would affect me (despite the handouts and my own research and everything. Unfortunately my drs weren't super helpful - they asked me for tips and info on testosterone lmfao. Like I know a lotta patients do their own research but please doctors do your own too)

so! changes since starting t: i quickly started gaining a lot of weight, more than the extra food I was eating would've put on me before. I expected this to a degree but it was a lot very fast and surprised me. Also being really greasy all the time means taking more showers (which is physically difficult) or being overstimulated. Voice changes have been nice! I haven't been able to keep any of my upper register which I was curious about but it's opened up a lower vocal range which is really nice. Now I just gotta get used to how my voice fits in there :) body and facial hair are really not as fast as I expected. Those have been slow goes. Facial hair is barely there and body hair isn't too different from first puberty (but then again that's a whole discussion on intersex topics of its own tbh). I was really hit with that first wave of pain and exhaustion that some disabled people talk about with taking testosterone - a wave of fatigue that you push through first before you see any returns on testosterone being energizing. I haven't gotten to the energizing part get and it's been like 10, 11 months?

All of this said, I also have a hormonal IUD in at recommendation of the planned parenthood dr. I've had that for longer than I've been on T and they said it wouldn't be a problem bc that IUD is supposed to just be locally effective? But I still think it's worth knowing. I felt different after I first got that put in and I think it might affect more than was suggested.

anyways. So all that's been goin on and has been making me really sit on why I'm on HRT. Because I want to be, I want changes, but I'm not seeing return on many changes I was looking for, and I am getting a hell of a lot of surprise health issues. This is obvs a conversation to have w my dr when i see her next but I just wanted to document it too. Hormones are really complicated drugs and there can be a myriad of surprise effects! It was definitely worth it for me to start, but now I gotta reconsider what dosage is safe and that's ok. Shit happens like this sometimes. Wish I could tell myself a year ago about all this - not so he'd avoid HRT, but just so we didn't have surprise against us on top of the other stuff lol

#.txt #hrt #a

[luciensbabbles]

OH YEAH AND here's me ranting/venting bc I remembered this blog existed FOR THAT REASON its a technically public online journal bay-beeeeeeeeeeeeeee

HENNYWAYS onto the point: so not this monday we just had, the one before, I collapsed at work right? Didn't fully faint, got the vasovagel syncope diagnosis anyway, got a confirmed #notaheartattack bloodwork and tests done which is bonzer but uhhhhhh still got fucked arse symptoms around. So I go see my gp bc this was the first appointment I could get since my other other gp moved southside so she could be near work which valid, but leaves me in a lurch. Anyways I see her and heavily condensing everything she's all "good news I think ur chest pain is just the fact you've been holding all stress ever in your shoulders so just stretch them bitches out and the muscle in the front of your chest should relax and then no more chest pain. Also imma get you an MRI then we'll see about a neurologist from there for ya family headaches history."

which is great and all. But the main unsaid and unspoken thing was "for the love of christ CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP STRESSING SO MUCH UR 24 CALM *DOWN*" but you see I Simply Cannot Do That™ for I am the accursed combo of Eldest Child, Eldest AFAB/Female child, and ADHD As Fuck with Probable RSD™ so! as you can see! My ass! Is regularly mown and maintained grass! And I CANNOT be introspective to save my LIFE and no matter how hard I try to do it the hideous cave troll in my brain shys from it like a frightened horse and fucks off™ so I still. Cannot.

Not to put on a therapy hat that isn't mine to wear but my uneducated guess would be THAT right there is coping mechanisms from being diagnosed as the Weird Kid™ and Easy Target™ by other kids withing like. 5 fucking minutes of knowing me bc back then ADHD and ASD weren't really a thing applied to little white girls but these fucking kids clocked me with it faster than ANY professional ever has. Anyway, my brain I think basically decided early on that when it comes to emotions (or at least recognizing them)

so now I can't emote anything more complicated than being angry, short periods of laughter/amusement, and happy sometimes. Can't even cry because my body physically will not let me whoooooo also can't get in to see a psychologist bc all the waiting lists are full whooooooo.

anyway! I have a lot happening. Thats not even getting into the optometrist doing the Diagnostic Thing™ the other day where she was all. :) hey so :) how well can you see :) in your lower eyes? oh no big deal :) I just think you should go see this specialist again :) and actually follow up on results this time :) and not just :) let the adhd and related "i cant be a bother or else I will shatter™" get in the way :) ya know?:) anyway uh thats a glaucoma in ya eyeballs if you didn't know :) Oh we dont have the best machines for this sort of thing :) so definitely see her soon ok? :)))) and make sure they send hte results to us ok? ::::)))))))

if you've ever been in/witnessed/seen an accuarte tiktik recreation. In any kind of medical thing. You know what I mean.

anyway!!!!!! that me!!! how be youse?

#lucien babbles #vent #medical #mental health #or mental unhealth but ya know