#bc most of the time i am anxious - sad - angry - and lost on what to do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iamanartichoke · 4 years

Note

Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair).

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better.

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue.

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument.

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread.

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days.

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore.

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on.

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was.

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent.

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied.

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before.

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization?

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling.

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day.

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte.

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom.

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue.

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say.

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother.

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.)

#charlotte replies #a nonny mouse #fandom wank

21 notes · View notes

katie-----luv · 5 years

Text

ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THORAYA MARONESY

Can you describe someone you love?

He’s tall. He’s so dumb sometimes. Very very handsome. He makes my heart beat so hard that i feel like i’ll throw up if i stay around him. Even if I'm just thinking about him or have something of his, i feel absolutely crazy about him. I can't tell anyone who it is, but i want the whole freaking world to know how much i love this person because of how amazing he is. He wears his heart on his sleeve and gives up so much to make others comfortable and happy. He matches his clothes well haha and when he smiles, he makes me wanna stare forever. I could literally look at him all day. He asks me things that no one else cares about and he makes me feel so welcome. Even though I literally cannot be with him for so many reasons, he will always be the one that i will love more than anyone in the entire universe and i hate it but it is reassuring that I can love someone so much. He’ll never leave too. And the best thing about him is he gives the most amazing hugs. Long, amazing hugs. Middle of the night or 4 am, he always wants a hug from me. And no matter why or what happened, i will always want a hug from him. Because he just makes me feel everything. I love him so much that even if it's indescribable, i still try because it's worth it for him. Even if these words barely light the candles on the cake.

What's the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

I think my sister. We’re sisters, ya know, we hate each other one second, but the next, she is as amazing as she was before. I think she is the most beautiful because of how she deals with life. She always questions, she gets deep. She isn’t simple-minded at all, very talented in art. She is the smartest person I've ever known personally. And I love how free she is. In a sense where she doesn't want to be like everyone else. She deals with her own crap like everyone else but at the end of the day, she is still getting back up and laughing. And she is so weird too haha. She likes things like care bears and wants to move to a billion different places and do a billion different careers and marry an Australian man. Her goals and personality just crack me up.

Can you define love?

Love doesn't really have a definition in my opinion. If you really love someone, you’re left speechless, you don't have the words to define what you feel because of how overpowering it is.

Can you define hate?

Hate is a major pain that is..like it feels like someone put a blanket on your heart and took swings at it until whatever or whoever you hate walked away. It's a pain that makes you feel more angry at one thing than anything else i guess.

What's your biggest regret?

I have plenty but I guess the one that sums them all up would be ever lying. Lying is what gave me more regrets. If not lying then maybe falling in love. No one really thinks i have ever been in love but i was in love with someone and they were in love with a made up version of me pretty much. I miss them everyday and i lost them bc i lied. So yeah, goes with lying but i hate that i ever fell in love with them whether it was real them or just a lie too.

Kindest act?

When i was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had a bunch of money saved up, close to $200 from birthday money and other holiday money. I spent some. I didn't know what to do with the rest, so I gave it to my school counselor to give to the leukemia charity that they were funding for the month. When they announced on the announcement that i was the biggest donator, they got my name wrong and called me Kayle instead, but I didn't care because I knew I did something good. It was $97.

Wildest dream?

I’ve had some crazy ones so it's hard to choose or remember all of one.

Biggest fear?

I used to think it was being murdered or kidnapped or maybe even spiders. Now i know that it's of being hurt. I've been hurt by lots of people before and ive cried so many times alone but didn't wanna tell anyone and pushed it down. It ended up making me do some things that i shouldn't have because I didn't wanna think about being hurt and i feel like if i have to keep pushing things down, ill continue to be afraid to speak out and be sad for a long time again.

Best and worst quality?

That's kinda hard because i have a lot of both. I guess I'll just pick at random though because i can't chose. I have a quality that can be good and bad at the same time. It's that I'm forgiving, i don't know when to give up on people. It's good because I can give people chances which makes a good friendship bc i dont just drop them. But it's bad because sometimes i give the wrong people too many chances and get hurt over and over. But when i try to figure out when to let go and give up, i do it at the wrong time and make more issues. So it's complicated.

When have you felt the most alive?

If I'm choosing a whole time period, up until 4rd grade. A moment in the times I remember, when I dropped someone holding me back. I say up until 4rd grade because all times before then, I didn't care what people thought. I was never hurt like i have been since. I was a happy kid who played with littlest pet shop and had a billion besties. And i say when i dropped someone holding me back i mean that i was hung up on someone I thought loved me unconditionally and I loved them so much. He ended up not caring about me anymore which was understandable. But later on when I finally told him to go away because all he did was make me hurt, I stopped talking to him, and I was so so so SO free.

What's the best advice you’ve been given?

You have to love people for who they are. My mom told me this. I don't like judging people or making people hurt or uncomfortable. But sometimes people have qualities that I just can't stand but they are some of my closest friends. So when my mom told me this, I felt like if i can't love them past these qualities, maybe i need to realize whether or not i love them really, because I can't change them to fit my needs or wants.

What's been your biggest obstacle?

Trying to get passed drama whether it was created by me for myself or drama with everyone. I made mistakes, I'm human, but it's been tough trying to learn from them. Now, I'm starting to see where I went wrong and moving past it to grow.

Most embarrassing story?

I have a lot and I physically can't make myself type any bc they're so bad.

Your perfect life partner?

Someone who doesn't care when I'm being a bum. Someone who loves me and respects me. I'm not big on too much PDA. every once in a while, i'll kiss or hold someone's hand but usually, i feel embarrassed for whatever reason. So id like them to remember that and ask or hint first. I dunno.

What does beauty mean to you?

Beauty means personality and looks to me. It doesn't mean hot or pretty. To me, beauty is how you describe someone that's indescribable.

Favorite memory?

Well i have a lot of memories that make me smile so much. But the one that I can think of off the top of my head is probably when I went up to Ohio where my cousins live around x-mas. The year before, my little cousin Silas passed away on New Years eve. We all went to this thing where they sang xmas music, had santa, and lit up some building. Me and all my cousins had our arms around each other and we were all singing together. It felt good that even though only a year before, we lost someone so young, we could all still smile and stay strong, together.

A moment that moved you?

I was at bob evans once with my mom and sister and a random old man paid for our meal and came to us saying he just wanted too. I never forgot that old man and that happened back when I was maybe 5 or 6 and i'm way now.

What would the title of your movie be?

hm...Self-inflicted because i self inflict too many issues for myself.

How have you changed?

I’ve learned so many lessons that I needed to learn.

What do you wish you said?

I wish i apologized about so much. I also wish I told my parents why I made so many mistakes. If i had done both of those things then I wouldn't have so many regrets because I would have had less drama and maybe some support or help.

Your last words?

I'm sorry i pushed it all down.

One thing you would change about yourself?

Maybe some of the things that go through my head. I can be really rude or sound super depressed. I would change how I handle that in my head.

Biggest pet peeve?

Matching and lint/hair on clothes. If you don't match or are covered in lint/hair, it makes me feel so anxious.

What's your purpose?

I think I may actually be too young to answer, but i'll tell you when i know.

Your one simple rule?

I think I have too many to answer that.

What are you looking forward to next?

Moving away. I have so many bad relationships with friends and ive lived in the same place for my entire life. I feel like i live in a box and i need to experience other places. I want to grow in life but is hard when i'm in the same place everything has happened. So moving will help me grow a lot.

What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. I still suck at math but I'm hoping that I can fix that and maybe I'll really have all honors classes. As of now, I have almost all honors, just missing math.

What do you miss most in life?

Feeling happy for more than a short period of time. I'm not as sad as i used to be. But back when i was always depressed, i was the definition of pushing it all away around my family. I never told my parents and still haven't told them how sad I really always felt, only the jist, because of school and life. And now, i have better things that make me happy but at the end of the day, I always feel worthless and drained.

How would you like to be treated?

I would like to be treated like i'm as equal as everyone else. My close friends know that I haven't been in a good place for a while, i went through family drama because of me for a while and i'm starting to finally fix my mistakes but it's tough because they all treat me like i can't be told about their problems since it might make me worse i guess. And I think that's also why they treat me like the ‘leader’. Out of pity. It's been that way my whole life. Even as a little kid. And i hate it. I just wanted to be treated like i'm a friend not like what i need matters more than anyone else's needs because i have ‘issues’.

What do you want to let go of?

Everything that's been put in the past. I know it's been put there for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I want to let go of the mistakes I made in the past because I opened my eyes and saw that that's what they are, mistakes. And even if it happened yesterday, i wanna let go, because it's time to move on if it's not happening.

What does the world need?

A big slap of sense. So many are oblivious to the issues we cause to the world and what issues are just happening to the world. While some things are serious, there are bigger problems than what celebrity slept with someone last night. Things such as suicicide and global warming are real and everyones too busy worrying about chris hemsworth’s abs and so and so’s herpes. I'm guilty of it too, but more and more I realize that there's serious things happening and no one is doing much.

What makes you happy?

There's a few things but for some reason, my cousins makes me unbelievably happy. When I'm around them, they're not my cousins. They are the best best friends I could ever ask for. I have never loved anyone more than I love all of them. When i hear i get to see them, I'm on it! I hope for the words ‘we’re going to ohio’ every second. I absolutely love them to death, even the ones who are slower than turtles. If they were my siblings, I would want to be home daily with all of them. I cant even explain how much my heart screams to be around all of them and i have no idea why. They're all so amazing. And so are their parents and grandparents and all of them. When my family is with them, i see how much fun they have and it makes me even happier because my parents don't hangout with too many friends or close family. But with them, they talk and laugh as much as I do and I love seeing them so happy.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

OH YEAH! By friends, crushes, family. I guess if I chose one from each category, friends would be when one of my closest friends told my whole school that i had leukemia and i was getting treated. So many kids asked if I was okay and I was all, ‘what?’ when I found out, I confronted her and she lied about it. And when i didn't accept her apology, I did say some uncalled for things, but she made me feel like she could just throw away friendships left and right and she didn't care what happened. But when she lost all her friends, she cared, and she put us all on a bully form because we decided we didn't need a friend who would do something like that. And it was hard watching it happen because we’d been friends our whole life. For crushes, when I was in 5th grade, I was finally in class again with a life long crush. But he played me a bunch of times and bullied me along with his friends. That stuck with me, everything they said and did, but i only cried about it alone because I didn't think it was that serious that they bullied me. Now i see it was. For family..i think when my little cousin silas passed, I realized how serious death was because I was in 6th grade at the time, I understood it all completely. It broke me big time because id met him once and he was a sweet kid. While it brought our entire family together because of his funeral, I bawled the whole time because i felt like i could've done more to interact with him even though I never had the actual chance really.

The hardest question I've asked?

Thats hard to answer. I think when I had to ask myself if I thought being alive was worth it. I never thought i'd be the person to have to ask myself so when i did, it hit me hard and I had to take it seriously.

What's beautiful about you?

I think it's that i always want change and am almost always willing to change. Yeah, i'm a person so sometimes I don't want to change anything. But to me, change is so good and the fact that I'm always growing because I'm constantly needing change is beautiful because it makes me mature rather than be naive forever.

How did you find out Santa isn't real?

Oh haha. My sister. We had an elf on the shelf and her and I touched it to test if it would move still. It did. So i question if Santa was real because the elf wasn't. And i would hear people moving all the time when i went to bed x-mas eve. Yeah, i took it easily. But in the back of my head, i was always kinda salty that my sister ruined the fantasy for me. But better now than never.

How do you get through hard times?

I cry. I don't like talking about problems, I feel embarrassed and alone when I have them. So I write and I cry. Which is probably one of the worst ways to deal with it all, but music also helps and I think plenty use music to get through things.

When did you realize you weren't like everyone else?

When i realized how sad i always was. And maybe when i saw how i wasnt a super skinny kid. I'm not fat. But i'm not a stick like all these girls. And i noticed that. But yeah, when i started to feel more and more sad as I got older. And I saw how not too many others were like that.

Worst decision?

Lying because it only made life worse.

1 strange fact about me?

I have a weird birthmark where my leg starts to lead up to my underwear line on the left side. I hate wearing swimsuits like underwear because of it. It's dumb.

Most complicated question ive asked?

I honestly don't know about that one.

What do you look for in a man?

I look for a deeper part of them. I look for things like the nerdy vibes. I like nerdy or depressed guys. I don't like depressed dudes because they're depressed but because they’re the ones with the deep, interesting thoughts. And nerdy because i think dorky guys are adorable. But either way, I like when they listen and their understanding and sweet. I like when they talk a lot, but not more than me. When they make dumb jokes and do more than play video games, i like that. And when they have fashion sense. And shower.

What are you scared to share with people?

Probably what my mistakes actually are.

Earliest memory?

I have a few that I remember being super young but i don't know which one was the first one but one that I like a lot is when I was really young my mom would throw my sister and i big birthday parties and I had a close friend named Gavin Bush. he and I were close because his sister Emma was besties with my sister. But i remember at my birthday party, we were eating rice krispies together and laughing. He had a huge crush on me for the longest time and I always feel bad that I didn't notice much. But i mean, laughing with him was one of my favorite things to do back then.

Most painful thing you've ever been told?

That i lost all trust. I lied too much and my parents told me that i lost any trust they had in me. But i try everyday to build it back up.

Kindest thing you’ve been told?

That i keep people happy, even when I'm going throw something myself. My friends have told me that even when they're mad or upset, I still make them laugh and while it pisses them off, they love that about me.

What are you ashamed of?

My body. I love some things about it and hate others. I hate my thighs and stretch marks but i remember that someone out there could care less and only cares for my mind and i feel better.

Worst thing you've done to please someone?

Lied about my whole life pretty much. Or said someone said one thing when they said the opposite to protect their feelings.

#questions #sad #happy #good #smile #imokay #crush #love #answer #repost #thoraya #moronesy #read #beauty

1 note · View note

kenjkats · 6 years

Text

Reconciliation (TRR Fic)

Note: Ok @fairydustandsarcasm requested Liam and Drake fighting and making up and HOLY I was insta-inspired and had to write ASAP. Also bc I’m pretty sure PB is going to make them unrealistically makeup too quickly so… here’s my take before canon blows it all to hell XD And yeah okay it turned into a fic becaused I liked it a lot and it would’ve been too wordy for an HC lol

Also I apologize in advance if any referenced events from Book 1 or general courtly workings are wrong, this was kind rushed because I got excited and just wanted to write XD

Pairing: Drake x Riley OTP; Drake x Liam BROTP

Word count: 2243 LOL that’s ridiculous

Summary: Drake and Riley feel horrible about what their feelings for each other are doing to Liam, and Drake takes it upon himself to make things right.

Riley sits beside Drake, crying.

They met up shortly after the disaster proposal between her and Liam. She sits there with her head buried in her hands, recounting the ordeal to Drake, telling him how bad she feels in between sobs. Drake holds her in his arms, letting her rest her head against his shoulder.

“I told him, Drake,” she says fighting back another surge of tears, “I told him I love you.”

Riley thinks she feels his body stiffen.

“Riley…” he can’t seem to find the words. Moments pass and as Riley starts to regret letting those words out into the open, he turns her face towards his, his hands framing her face as he gently wipes away her tears.

He’s looking at her, unsure, but at the same time his eyes filled with tenderness and longing. Her heart is racing, afraid that telling him she loves him was too much too soon. And yet, all of it melted away when he pressed his lips to hers, and she was sure he felt the same.

Drake pulls away and leans his forehead against hers, a faint smile painted on his lips.

“I love you, too,” he whispers. For a moment all her guilt and sadness fade away into happiness. She frowns when Drake pulls away from her.

He runs his fingers through his hair, “I need to talk to Liam. Before anything else happens,I have to talk to him. I owe him that much, at least.”

“Have you had the chance to talk to him?”

Riley approached Drake who stood at the back of the crowd gathered at the palace, awaiting the King’s announcement. The announcement that was supposed to be her being engaged to him had things gone another way.

Drake sighs, “No. I haven’t been able to get near him. I think he’s avoiding me.”

“How do you know?”

“I can usually barge into his room whenever I need to talk to him. Or he invites me. Suddenly his guards ignore me and tell me he’s busy all the time and to go away. I don’t blame him though, I-” he’s interrupted when the crowd begins to stir as Liam appears to address them.

Drake’s gaze follows his best friend as he strides across the room, looking confident as always. This was the first time he saw Liam since New York and he felt a pang of guilt as their eyes met briefly across the room.

It was only a moment, but the way Liam looked at him when he recognized Drake among the crowd was… cold. His kingly charm and smile faltering for a second, before he averted his gaze and composed himself, preparing to speak.

Drake and Riley stood in silence as they listened to Liam, both of them barely breathing, anxious of what Liam would say.

“–and having rescinded my engagement with Lady Madeleine, there is the matter of my taking a wife and the queen of Cordonia.”

The crowd of nobles murmur with excitement.

“As you all know Lady Riley was framed with a scandal to remove her from the list of candidates to be queen and her name has now been cleared.”

The crowd gasps and Riley can feel dozens of eyes turn towards her in anticipation.

“However,” Liam continues, “she was not the only Lady forced out of the running that night during the Coronation. Lady Olivia was also a victim of the same plot against Lady Riley. With the other ladies having conceded to Lady Madeleine prior to my choosing her that night, Lady Riley and Lady Olivia are now the only two that remain as candidates to be queen, and if she will have me, I would like to ask Lady Olivia to be my wife and Queen.”

A wave of gasps and chatter resonate throughout the palace. Riley glances over at Olivia, whose eyes were widened in surprise, jaw dropped open. Their eyes meet and she mouths a, “What is going on?” to Riley.

Riley musters a smile despite her shock and grief at all that’s been happening lately and nods her head toward Liam, mouthing back a, “go.”

All eyes turn towards Olivia and the people part to make a path for her to meet the King. She composes herself and plasters on one of her most lady-like smiles and almost glides toward Liam.

Riley watches as Olivia places a kiss on Liam’s cheek and she gives a few words to the public.

“At least I didn’t totally ruin things for Cordonia. Clearing my name cleared hers and now you guys have a queen.”

Drake snorts, “Yeah, another one that hates me.”

After a few more words, Liam and Olivia are set to depart, and Drake sees it as a chance to speak with him. He gives a quick goodbye to Riley and moves past groups of nobles to get to Liam. He stops in his tracks when Drake grabs his arm to get his attention.

“Hey, we need to talk,” Drake says under his breath. He follows Liam’s gaze which was looking past him, and Drake turns around to find Riley behind him.

“You two certainly don’t waste time, do you,” he says coldly, brushing Drake’s hand away as he hurried towards the door with Olivia. Guards had already blocked the way before Drake could get another word in.

Liam is alone in his chambers, removing all the buckles and ribbons of his formal suit, when Drake barges through his door.

“Drake! What are you–how did you get in here?”

“Your fiance’ agreed to help me get in here as a favor,” Drake shrugs.

“She hates you.”

“I guess getting engaged put her in a good mood. Plus she may have lost a bet in New York and owes me.”

Liam lets out a sharp breath and turns his back to Drake. He continues to loosen the bow around his collar.

“So, what is this? Have you come to gloat?”

“What?”

“You two were quick to be together in public.”

“Jesus, Liam, she’s still a lady of the court she had to attend and I’m always at these things for you.”

“You speak as if we’re still friends and that should matter.”

Drake shakes his head in disbelief. Liam is always so level-headed and reasonable. Rarely has he seen him like this. But he has seen him like this. Liam was still a man, and he broke down when the worst happened in his life, just like anyone else.

“Damn it, Liam, you know how hard this feelings crap is for us both, but you’re usually up to talking about it when we get pissed at each other so… I’m sorry. I am really, really sorry for what happened between you and Riley, and that it was because of me.”

His words seemed to fall on deaf ears as Liam silently, calmly removed his sash and coat jacket, folding them neatly on the foot of his bed. Drake fumbled for the right words. His mind was racing, the silence pressured him into saying anything he thought would help.

“Liam you have to know that I didn’t pursue her. I didn’t steal her from you. I didn’t even plan on liking her it all just… happened. I didn’t–”

“And yet she loves you and not me,” Liam says resentfully, finally facing Drake. His face was twisted, slowly shifting from angry to pained to broken, “all of those times we snuck away from the court to hang out together and you two were sneaking around behind my back.”

Liam turns away again and Drake’s heart sinks. His best friend can’t even look at him and it’s his fault, he thinks.

“I treated you like a brother, Drake, how could you at least not tell me?”

Drake wonders the same thing, even though his reasons at the time seemed valid.

“You were dealing with a lot, Liam. It was never a good time to even bring this mess up. And this may not be what you want to hear and it’s probably a shitty excuse but, I thought she would pick you anyway. I didn’t think it would get to this, that there was anything to tell you about.”

“And you think that makes it all okay? That you didn't know?” Liam whirls around, pointing a finger at Drake.

“No, of course not I’m just explaining that–”

“Did you sleep with her? While I was courting her? While there were nights when I went on and on about how I was falling in love with her?”

Drake wonders how long he’s been holding onto that thought. How it must have eaten at him thinking that it had gotten that far right under his nose.

“What? No. No. Liam I wouldn’t dare. You’re my best friend. I fell for her, yes, but I wasn’t going to make a mess of things by taking it that far before we spoke.”

Liam studies him, an unreadable expression on his face, “I don’t believe it.”

“What?”

“You’re claiming you what, kept her at arm’s length? Yet she fell in love you. You must have done something.”

Drake can feel his frustration boil into anger. How could Liam accuse him of lying to him?

“We talked! All those times you asked me to look after her and we would just talk and we got to know each other, that’s it,” Drake says grabbing his arm, imploring him to listen, “We care about you, Liam, we wouldn’t do this to you on purpose! I’m sorry it happened and that it happened this way. I was prepared to let her go and be with you if that was what she wanted.”

He know he’s hurt Liam beyond measure. Though he hopes he could at least ease the pain and reassure his friend that it wasn’t a malicious move against him. That he always thought of Liam first, even if he wanted to be with Riley with every part of his being.

“Intent doesn’t matter, Drake,” Liam yanks his arm away from Drake, “I looked like a fool down on one knee, prepared to give my life to a woman who didn’t love me.”

Drake winces at the bitterness and grief in his voice. The silence that follows seems to last an eternity.

“I’m sorry. All I can say now is I’m sorry,” he pleads, reaching for Liam again.

“Get your hands off me!” Liam shoves Drake away and he stumbles backward.

"Go ahead!” he yells back, “Yell at me some more if you want, punch me in the face if you need to, I probably deserve it, come on.”

Drake is egging him on, hoping that if words couldn’t get through, maybe getting Liam to express it this way would help.

“I just might if you don’t get out of my face, Drake,” Liam warns.

“Do it, come on!”

Liam squares his shoulders and his chest puffs out as he takes a step towards Drake. His fist clenches at his side, and in the next moment, releases.

Liam shakes his head, “Just go, Drake. Please.”

Drake frowns. He turns to leave, giving up hope that this would get anywhere. He thinks about how admirable his friend is. How, if the tables were turned, he would’ve taken that punch, and now he feels worse knowing that even when his friend was broken, he refused to hurt others. Drake stops at the door.

“No. I am not leaving until we sort something out. I’ll be damned if I let you do this again.”

“Do what,” Liam scoffs.

“Disappear! Retreat into yourself. You locked yourself away when there was that attempt on your life years ago and I know you. You’re going to do it all again because we hurt you and you don’t know how to deal with it. You have been a brother to me, Liam, so I will always be here for you, too. I’m not leaving.”

Liam faces Drake, his anger waning. Liam is exhausted from all of the pain and resentment. He rubs his temples and walks over to the mini-bar in the corner of his chambers. Liam pours two glasses of whiskey and hands one to Drake as he gulps down the other.

They both sit on the edge of Liam’s bed for a long time, drinking whiskey.

“I know you two didn’t mean to,” Liam says, breaking the silence.

Drake is almost unsure of what he heard and looks at Liam in surprise.

“I told Riley that day that as upset as I am, I’m… happy for you both. I’m happy for you, Drake. You have always been there for me through all of these courtly functions. You tolerate it all and watch the world revolve around me. You deserve your own happiness.”

“You’re unbelievable,” Drake smiles. He’s glad Liam is so forgiving, but it always makes him feel worse at the same, “and thank you.”

“I just need time to adjust to the idea of you two. You understand, I hope.”

“Of course,” he says, clapping Liam on the shoulder.

Liam smiles at that, and he returns the gesture, “Still, I hope you would be willing to be my best man when I get married?”

Drake scoffs, “Olivia would kill you.”

“I’m sure you’d enjoy her disappointment anyway. She’ll understand.”

They laugh.

“Seriously though, Liam. Me? Would they even let you? I’m not–”

“I am the King, and I can have my best friend by my side as my best man.”

Drake chuckles and raises his glass to Liam, “So be it.”

#oh look a fic iasdofasoij #drake walker #king liam the sexy #trr #playchoices #my fic #request #hc request #fic request #runs away #wow am i uncertain i got any of this shit right lol have fun with this blather

222 notes · View notes

lavender-montgomery · 3 years

Text

ramble tw: ed,depression, psychosis and anxiety mention

Really hating being at home at the moment, I take any excuse to go out for as long as I can. I just stayed two nights at my best friend’s house, I wish I stayed longer. There’s this chick I’m talking to who means a lot to me but I can’t see her atm bc of the virus. She doesn’t have it (thank god) she’s being careful which is fair enough, but it’s hard not meeting up with her when all I wanna do is be around her and be cute and hear her voice.

My Mam is really unwell and it’s not looking good, I am very anxious about it. I can’t see her or talk to her much at the moment.

I’ve decided to finally do stuff I really wanted to do that my ex didn’t allow, such as more piercings (I took most of mine out) and FINALLY getting a mullet. Also planning my next tattoo as it has been so long since I’ve had new ink. Feels good to be getting back to how I used to look, feels like me again, I changed myself so much for my ex and I just wasn’t me at all

It also feels good to not be denying my sexuality anymore, it used to get me super down

I’m in a really weird mood at the moment, I feel empty yet sad and heavy and anxious. About me mam, my ex, I’m worried I’ve fucked up with someone, sad about my sister, anxious about living arrangements

That’s another thing, living arrangements. I’m really looking forward to living alone and doing what I want with my tiny ass flat, but the building itself and area I live in is dangerous so living here alone is scary. I’ve become very jumpy especially at home, if someone even unlocks the door it scares me a lot and I am constantly on edge. A lot of bad stuff happens here which has given me this extreme anxiety of being here. I know I could move, but I love the flat itself and it’s near places I wanna work. I suppose I’ll see how it goes living by myself and if it’s too bad then I will look at moving. I’m not gonna lie, my building looks like the crack den Cumberbatch’s Sherlock was staying at. It’s a mess. But my flat itself is nice so I don’t mind.

I just wanna be alone, listen to music, do some art and cuddle my cat.

The lass I’m talking to got me a Pooh plush which made me stupidly happy and I’ve not put him down

I’m getting fish soon and more plants, turning my flat into my happy place

You ever get days where your mental illness just hits you full force? Today is one of those days with my depression and my psychosis and anorexia has been bad again. It’s my own fault, I’m not taking my meds and my ex would get angry at me - but I’m not taking them BECAUSE of my psychosis, my main hallucination which I posted about on here when I first started this blog. It’s a tough cycle that I know I gotta break, I just don’t have the strength or willpower to do that right now.

It’s weird when my anorexia gets bad. It’s very sad, it controls me, I feel physically unwell and it brings my other mental illnesses to light. At the same time, it makes me happy, when I go a while without eating and I feel that burning in my chest and throat and I’m shaky, I feel like congratulating myself for doing so well. It makes me happy knowing I can do it again, and honestly? The only bad thing I can see happening about living alone is my anorexia properly returning long term. I’m torn, part of me is so excited for that, but I’ve also done so well these past few months with my eating. It’ll be worth it when I look better. I wish I looked how I did when I was 18, looking at old pictures makes me sad. I was so, so skinny. I looked ill, my skin was white, I was so weak. The worst part is I’d get praised for how ‘fantastic’ I looked and people would ask me for weight loss advice, which of course only fueled it. Why did no one help me? Why was it unnoticed and not cared about? I couldn’t shop in town as barely anywhere sold my size clothes and the few times I would find my size the range would be so limited. I had to get my clothes sent over from Japan or wear stuff oversized which only made me look tinier. At the time I didn’t want help or for people to know, but looking back I’m wondering why the fuck no family or close friends other than my ex said anything or helped. It got to the point I would be wearing clothes for nine year olds, which I was incredibly proud of. Yet another thing I’m torn about, it was one of the worst times of my life dealing with that but at the same time... I looked the best I’ve ever looked. Skinny, pale, short hair, piercings, getting tattoos, I dressed nice. I still dress the same I suppose but it doesn’t look as good because I’m fat. Despite it being an awful time, I’d give anything to go back to it overnight. I’ll get there, it’s gonna be slow and it’s gonna take a lot out of me. I’ll look like me again eventually. Do I wanna do it? Who knows.

I’ve been having sensory overload a lot more recently, it’s starting to become an issue. It doesn’t help that my ex gets angry at me and yells, doesn’t let me have quiet and makes it worse. I almost cry begging him to just please don’t talk to me and don’t move near me, but for some reason every time it happens he insists on yelling and swearing at me, getting in bed next to me watching videos on his phone, moving about on the bed messing about with the duvet and he brings his cat who gets in my face and has the loudest purr I have ever heard come from a cat. All this when I am having a sensory overload moment is a nightmare, it’s so frustrating and he makes me feel so stupid for it. He tells me I’m stupid and pathetic. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I’m not diagnosed autistic or anything but apparently I show a lot of traits of it. My ex tells me I’m autistic, he uses it to insult me. Even now, I’m trying to distract myself posting this as I haven’t had a long vent about everything for ages, I’ve asked him to just give me a few minutes to myself and he’s going on at me to clear the bed so he can get in it as he ‘wants bedtime’. It’s 5:30PM, he could always clear the bed himself but he makes me do it.

Ah, my disability. It’s getting bad again - what isn’t? I’ve only used my wheelchair once since the breakup because I’m unable to push myself in it, I need someone to push me, but it isn’t Lukas’ thing to do anymore. He pushed me the other morning when we went to ASDA. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently, my ex has a go at me for going out if I’m gonna come home in pain and not do things like make myself food when he says or clear the bed for him. He tells me I need to prioritise. I tell him I’m not gonna just never go out and have no social life incase my disability plays up, right now it isn’t even that that’s the issue, I’m in pain because of the cold. He didn’t accept that. What does he expect me to do? It’s the end of December, it’s cold, I can’t just stay inside until spring. Recently I asked him to pass me something off his desk he was sat at because my back was bad. He lost it, called me a lazy cunt. Says he’s in pain too he shouldn’t have to ‘do everything for me’. I told him the scissors are a foot away from him, it makes sense for him to just pass them to me, any normal person would do that. Of course he didn’t accept that so continued swearing at me. This happens a lot.

I told him no more sex. Despite breaking up over a month ago we are still living together while he finds a new place and he is often in the mood so we were still having sex. It was consensual, but I told him no more.

Today’s a bad day and there are some bad things going on, but it’s not all bad. The past 2/3 weeks I’ve been doing better than I have for a long time. Making plans for living alone, returning to bar work which I love, planning to visit my family in Essex and my friends in Bristol. Sorting my appearance out again, embracing my sexuality, getting back in touch with friends. And her. I’ve already mentioned her a few times but man, I can’t help it. She makes me smile like I haven’t in a long time, we talk all day/night, she’s adorable. I’m not gonna get my hopes up, I don’t think I’d make her happy like she deserves, and she deserves so, so much, more than I could ever be; but I’m happy with how it is now even if only temporary. She makes me feel less alone, feel wanted, appreciated, cared for, happy. She’s someone from my past I never thought would be in my life again but I am really happy she is. What a blessing ♡

#vent #rant #ramble #TW depression #tw anorexia #tw eating disorder #tw anxiety #tw psychosis

0 notes

icharchivist · 6 years

Text

still, for all that is about DA that is kind of just “I play it like that because that’s how i feel”, and the fact my characters all have a rather Neutral Good moral compass, I still love that I can really feel the difference between my characters?

Long OCs ramble bc I can wouhouh!

Kurai, my very first Warden, a Dalish Elf, was probably the character I thought the least about because she was my very first character and I was suuper confused by the story. But still, she was a good person. She had a huge sense of honor, and she was respectful until people weren’t with her, in which case she would end them. She was a warrior, she was upfront. She was kind and compassionate, but she was also probably my most moral character. Since she was saved by the Wardens, she has great respect for their order, knowing she could have died. So to her, fighting for the greater good is an honor. While realizing how much work is ahead, she stood proud and wasn’t afraid. She had to do it. That’s probably why her and Alistair ended up being an item, they work out of each other there.

Laven, my second Warden, a City Elf, was much more cynical. She was bitter, she knew the world wasn’t fair. She wanted to do good, but if she had to get her hands dirty, she would. She would fight for the underdogs, and she would insult those she deemed unworthy. She was a free electron in her own way (which in a way is why it doesn’t bother me in dai that she did leave alone with Zevran to find a way against the Calling without warning anyone, seems like her). Also, ye, her romance with Zevran just fits her so much, since the ending of Awakening having her running away with Zevran in Antiva to fight the Crows by his sides is 100% her. And in the end, she mostly did everything because she was dragged into it for the worst way possible and there was no way she stood by when the world was falling apart. She would fight with her frustration and anger, but wasn’t scared. Too bitter for that.

The best parallelism between Kurai and Laven is how they both handled meeting the King and arriving to the Landsmeet. While Kurai didn’t like Shems, she knew she was out of her elements meeting the King, so she was respectful, knowing she was living by others people’s rules. In the Landsmeet, despite her dislike for Loghain, she stayed contained and calm knowing the stakes. Laven, however, insulted the King the first time she saw him because she was angry at how everything was in Denerim, and she was bitter. She’s been taken away because she brought justice, she won’t be any nice now. The fact the King showed regrets touched her in a way, but she was still angry. And in the Landsmeet, she made all the aggressive comments possible against Loghain and Howe, because her blood was boiling, and damn the consequences. She has come this far, it won’t be for Shems to take it away from her.

In a way Laven is probably my most ruthless character - and despite that she still was quite kind and nice. I still did every morally good things I could. But i also picked up all the stealing and stuff quest because that’s how much she didn’t care. She became the Dark Wolf too, which is neat.

Alma, my Hawke, was a Green/Diplomatic/Helpful Rogue, and she was just. Trying so hard. My reasoning was always that, she was always there for her family. She was overprotective, she took all the burden she could. She would get aggressive if you threatened her family. She’d get charismatic in order to distract people from her world falling apart, or to distract them from her sister. So she was cracking jokes from time to time, she was easy going, but always full of duty. She ended up being extremely involved in mage’s rights because she would have done everything for her sister. Once she was taken by the circle, this became even a stronger feeling. So it did lead her to get close to Anders more easily because she felt strongly about his plight. And why the ending of the game hurt her this much, because it wasn’t the way. She was respectful and kind, sometimes snarky, aggressive if you hurt what she loved, she was taking the burden of the world on her shoulders, and ended up being defeated by it. In a way, Alma was positive. she knew from the begining she was in a corner, and tried to fight her way out of it with a smile on her face, and the world did everything to have her crumble until she couldn’t take it anymore. She’s by far the most tragic one.

And finally Laena, my Inquisitor - She was anxious from the start. None of it was ever meant to happen. It’s not like she liked the Circle, but she had a place and a very small world to take care of until the rebellion. Hell, the fact the Circle was such a small world isolated her, she was in no way ready to deal with the Whole World, she wasn’t meant to. Her survival at the Conclave is a miracle, and immediatly after that, she was asked to stand and fight. She realized she had no choice pretty quickly, but she was devasted from the start. A survivor’s complex in a way, she was the only one who made it out - and people would say it was because she was chosen and it freaked her out. She wasn’t worth choosing. She didn’t want to be chosen. The revelation that all was just dumb luck is even worse, because she doesn’t consider herself special, she didn’t walk this path willingly, nothing prepared her for that. And now so many people lay her hope on her, and it scares her. She has to act strong, to help everyone, people are expecting so much of her, and she knows she can’t show weakness. But she was completely unprepared for this mess, and even now that all is over - especially now that all is over - she is completely lost. Where to go now, how to make it all work? This is frightening. And she has to stay collected, to give people’s hope, but at what cost? But she will always feel like it’s not her place, like she cannot judge, that she wasn’t made for this. And, that’s why I could see her fall for Cullen too. As an advisor he was always giving her advice, always helping her doing so. She could let her guard down around him, she could tell him how she only felt terrified, and he would reassure her. He brought her reassurance and stability, and she knew he wasn’t expecting of her to do everything on her own. He brought her the comfort she needed. His own fears of not being strong enough, of fucking up again, of letting people down, resonated with her and they could help each other out. It brought comfort.

I played all of my characters to be rather nice, pick good choices, fighting for those who needed it. And tbh I was kinda scared that maybe it made them all too similar but I end up thinking about it, and no. They are all so different.

Kurai was proud and strong, and even if slightly scared at time, she stood tall and her bravery took over everything. She knew she had to do what she had to do and she did it.

Laven was bitter and furious at life. She did what she had to because there was no way she was going to show defeat. She wasn’t scared, she was angry, and if her life hadn’t defeated her until then, it’s not an archdemon who will.

Alma was optimistic, sweet and kind, funny and gentle, but the world around her did everything to break her. To make her unable to carry it on. Alma ended her journey sad, and left alone. Also in my timeline I had her kill Anders, her lover, so it’s like, kind of horrifying for her too. Everyone and Everything pushed her world to fall apart, and the whole World blamed her for it. She went from optimistic to defeated, sad, heavy, wondering if it even mattered, if how much she sacrificed was even worth it.

Laena was anxious from the start - scared. She was unsure and still is unsure. Nothing reassured her, everything just added weight on her shoulders, weight she was never meant to carry, something she knows happened just because of her compassion and dumb luck. So now she’s trying to hold it all together because that’s what people need of her - and she realizes that the world needs her, even if she doesn’t know how. More than all the others, she relies on the people around her. She tries to stand tall, but unlike Alma who did it to convince herself it’ll be okay, she does it solly for people’s around her.

And I really like that, despite their similitudes, I feel so strongly for each of them. I am proud of each of them so much.

I was also kinda scared I self projected on them in a way, since it always end up happening creating ocs, but their differences make up for what I think. It’s kinda funny dkjhdjfk I see a bit of myself in all of them. Kurai’s gentleness, Laven’s frustration, Alma’s trying to handle the world crashing down with a smile while she’s herself crumbling, and Laena’s anxiety and urge to carry on when she never asked for it, despair contained by her duty to others. I love them all.

#ichatalks about da #ichatalks about oc #kuraimahariel #laventabris #almahawke #laenatrevelyan #\o/#this is like - vague description esp for laena but i talk too much about laena already ahah #time to explore everyone else

5 notes · View notes

phandomsecretvalentines · 6 years

Text

Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright

This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!

I hope you enjoy! -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart

tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU

words: 4.7k

Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.

(ao3 link)

(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.

Phil :) (9:47 PM)

i know!

i can’t believe it either!

For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.

Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.

Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)

Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!

**neither, this

Jeez i can spell

Phil :) (9:51 PM)

idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…

Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!

Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.

Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.

He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.

To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.

He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.

Phil :) (10:07 PM)

Dan you know im joking right?

Phil :) (10:16 PM)

Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want

u didnt fall asleep did you?

Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.

Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)

nooo im not sleeping

Phil :) (10:18 PM)

Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)

why the frowny face

Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-

His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.

(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?

*disappeared

Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.

Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)

now look who’s making the typos

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

Dan.

He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.

Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.

Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)

sorry, joke

no, thats not why i ran away

i was just thinking, thats all

Phil :) (10:21 PM)

were you doing it again

Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.

Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.

Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?

Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)

Phil :) (10:22 PM)

im not convinced

you were werent you

Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)

does my word not count for anything lol

Phil :) (10:24 PM)

maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count

Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)

what’s my face got to do with anything?

Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.

Phil :) (10:26 PM)

bc then i could tell if you were lying

tho rn i dont even need that

Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)

are u seriously saying im lying

Phil :) (10:27 PM)

yeah

you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth

you joked

changed / focused the conversation onto smth else

and besides

ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff

Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)

so how bout we not talk about them then

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

normally, maybe

but not with this

Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)

and why not?

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head

Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)

who said i was beating myself up in my head

Phil :) (10:30 PM)

… dan :/

youre avoiding again

Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?

Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)

fine. maybe i am

what are you gonna do about it philly?

Phil :) (10:32 PM)

daaaaannnnnn

you arent allowed to beat yourself up

no ones allowed to

especially you!

Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.

Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)

and why not? Hmm?

Phil :) (10:34 PM)

bc youre my favorite person silly

my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip

Phil :) (10:35 PM)

ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that

and theyre my rules

my rules for my favorite person

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule

*philip

Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.

Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-

Phil :) (10:41 PM)

[multimedia image: click to load]

With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.

Rules:

1. Dan Howell is my favorite person

2. No one is allowed to make fun of him

3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself

Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.

Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.

Phil :) (10:43 PM)

there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now

Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)

i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork

but fine! i guess if i have to lol

Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.

Phil :) (10:46 PM)

so you admit to your crimes xD

but anyways

you were stuck in your head again

which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help

Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.

But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.

Phil :) (10:47 PM)

can i ask whats got you so sad and worried

so i can beat it up

obvs

Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?

He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.

Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)

noooo

Phil :) (10:51 PM)

are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it

i just wanna be here for you

If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.

Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.

Phil :) (10:53 PM)

bc youre my best friend.

obvs. xD

If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.

Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.

Fuck.

Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)

it doesnt matter

Phil :) (10:56 PM)

yes it does

its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters

Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)

phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

still

something is bothering you and i want to fix it

Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.

Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)

nooo phil, you cant fix this one

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

>:(

you cant even let me try?

Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.

Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)

no phil, not with this sorry :(

Phil :) (11:01 PM)

:((((

okay

i may not like it but i can respect that

will you tell me tomorrow?

Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.

He could only hope.

Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)

sure

tomorrow

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

yay!!!

Dan laughed, breathily.

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

oooh! look at the time!

its getting so late bear wow

guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD

Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.

God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.

Stupid feelings.

Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)

yeah i guess we should!

night philly :)

Phil :) (11:05 PM)

goodnight dan!! :D

see you tomorrow!

(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“) )

Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.

He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.

Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)

After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.

God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.

Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.

Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.

For once.

Please.

~~~~~~

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.

He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.

With no luck.

Of course.

Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.

But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!

But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.

As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.

For Phil.

~~~~~

Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.

Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.

Dan was here.

There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.

The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.

Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.

Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.

People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.

But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.

Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-

"Dan!”

Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.

Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.

Against Phil.

And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.

Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.

Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.

His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.

“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.

Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.

“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”

Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”

Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.

“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”

Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.

Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.

“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”

Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.

He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.

Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.

Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.

This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.

~~~~~

Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.

It had been nearly nine years.

Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.

It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.

As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.

Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.

The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.

#submission

4 notes · View notes

ddontyyoukknow · 4 years

Text

7/7/20

after my last dissociative attack, I tried coping with mediation videos and Alan watts seminars. I felt fine/ okish for about 2 days I wold think then id be on and off anxious. after that I started becoming very anxious and depersonalized and at times terrified so I decided to get a therapist. she told me I was fine and wasn't going crazy and she grounded me in reality pretty well the first session until the end until she warned me and said that if I kept being stressed I might get stuck in dissociation forever and might need to start taking. medication. I was so deep in terror at the time that I truly believed was already in dissociation JUST popping back into reality from time to time but I was overall disoriented so that comment was detrimental for me for another 4 days until I was about to talk myself out of it so that by the time the next appt rolled over I felt fine but couldn't help and feel on edge there on out whoever it was therapist time bc I would remember how much anixiety there is around those talks and it reminds me that I have a prime and its a hard pill to swallow and I don't like acknowledging it and I don't want to admit it. I just wasn't tot be normal and ok. there on after the onveration at the therapists shifted and we stopped talking about dissociation. I discovered a dp recovery course online and that had em feeling good for the next 2ish weeks. I was sure terror was in the past. I was sure i understood that oi was not going crazy, I was not dead. I had just had many stress overloads. I could learn how to manage it. that part was known and dealt with in my mind. now a new problem has risen. I feel bad that it happened to me. I leaf like its not fair, I feel different because this happened to me, because for some reason everyone around me has it so easy. but in reality thats not true, in reality everyone is dealing wth their own demons and are trying to make the most of to in their own way. people get sick in different ways. I feel angry that it haooend to me so young, m but actual kids get physically sick way young and I am able to enjoy a healthy happy body. people of all ages are all types of sick. I am not alone in the struggle. I just want to make the most of my life. want to get out of this sadness and scared grove I find myself in. I kind of feel lost and don't know what path to take, I'm finally moving out of my family's face and moving in with yboyfrienf I'm starting school and a new job I should be excited but I have to learn how to focus and be happy I ave to learn to be grateful din have to know in my heart of hearts that I will feel 100% really again, that intrusive thoughts are a product of bad thinking pattern and a product of a offering of the fight or flight respond but that I am not in real danger and that I can learn to get better and turn it off.

0 notes

howling--fantods · 7 years

Text

im just meeebbbbllllehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ://////

and honestly just unhappy. i don’t really think happiness is a realistic thing to hope for, but i guess just less happy than usual. just feel stuck/lost/exhausted/scared/fat/immature/lonely/sad/anxious/a lot of other stuff i dunno, just i have no idea what im doing or where i am going and i know i am not doing what i should be to get there and i am hyper aware of my privileged life that allows me to sit in comfort and security and find myself or whatever and i am grateful for that but i also know that i am too old to be relying on my parents and i am to be self-reliant. and i know that i will probably have to leave los angeles and though that is what i always wanted i am scared and i just feel like i have so many open books here that i am not ready to slam shut? idk. idk if i’m just scared or if my gut is saying something important. i guess ultimately im afraid of failing a million miles away from home and plummeting into depression again except this time i will have a real life to potentially fuck up instead of just having to retake a couple classes. and socially i am scared of the loneliness. i mean even at home the thing i feel most overwhelmingly is loneliness and im terrible at meeting people and making friends and im scared of how hard that is going to be. i want to be able to do things in steps, move out and start working and get used to that life while still here in LA before moving to a new city. but i feel like i am just making excuses.

i also know that art center put me in such a negative place that i have become a harder person. i am constantly worried about how i come off to people bc i am very self aware and open to my friends being honest about that stuff but they make me feel like i don’t pass for a functioning human, intense to the point of offputting and i dont think that is fair. i am intense definitely, but i have good social skills and i hate worrying that i am unknowingly driving people away from me. i have been really trying to be positive and friendly but you know how it is with people who know you, their impressions of you don’t change bc they see you the way they see you, they have a hard time acknowledging change or improvement bc in their mind you are a certain way. and it is hard actively trying to change when people are constantly judging you as being a certain way. i miss having normal regular social interactions, like when i worked at sbux it was nice just being nice and friendly in a low-pressure social environment. everywhere else people are constantly judging and i hate worrying every second about whether people are seeing the me i want them to see. i stopped caring about what the people at art center thought about me and that was kinda self-destructive, i stopped caring about people seeing who i really am it was just easier being angry and intense and anti-social. i hate that people now see me as a negative person bc i am not a negative person, i don’t believe negativity it helpful and i try to be a good person. i just feel like people never actual see me and i am frustrated with feeling like i can’t win, either i am myself but i put people off with how intense i am or i am invisible. i worked so hard to actually like myself and i don’t want to be something else, that means i’ll be lonely and that is okay i guess. it is just overwhelming right now.

and at art center i got so used to giving every minute of every day to school and i feel like i am still supposed to be doing that, i dont have a job and i should be dedicating every second to finding one. but 4 and a half years of that was so exhausting and my spirit is drained. i spend so much time worrying about everything and i keep making excuses. but im just so tired of everything and all the things that feel good and right are fleeting.

#me #://

11 notes · View notes

imaginesfordayss · 7 years

Text

If I had a 100 years.

Summary: Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time Word count: 1842 Warnings: Angst, sad things bc Kai cant catch a break

*I saw a trailer for a movie that was very sad and cute and it had a quote in it that made me immediately want to write this* (anyway here I am 5 months later finishing it)

Diagnosis: Stage 4 pancreatic cancer

In other words, you were screwed and everybody knew it. In the days after getting the results back, you wondered if you should have taken Damon up on his offer to turn into a vampire way back when, of course now it wouldn’t do any good.

You knew they pitied you, the way Elena’s sad eyes followed you around the Salvatore house when you had the energy to leave bed. The truth was, you weren’t scared to die. You were scared that you hadn’t done enough, hadn’t lived. Hadn’t loved.

___________

If I had a 100 years we could travel the world. Italy Paris Japan We could go anywhere

____________

“Yum, cupcakes!” The unfamiliar voice exclaimed behind you successfully causing the half iced chocolate cupcake to fall out of your fingers and onto your shoes.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You groaned, staring at the mess. You ignored the intruder, grabbing napkins to wipe off the goop on your now ruined shoes. You heard someone clear their throat, now irritated you turned to said intruder. “Did you need something?”

“Jeez, what does a guy have to do around here to get some attention?” He joked. You rolled your eyes turning back around to dispose the dirtied napkins into the trash. The approaching foot steps indicated that this guy clearly did not get the hint, turning back towards him you were again surprised to find him now mere inches away from you. He didn’t speak, opting to stare with an arrogant smirk on his face.

“Again, need something?”

“Oh sorry, manners, I’m Kai.” He held his hand out, yet again receiving no response from you. Subconsciously, you were definitely attracted to him but at the moment, you wanted nothing to do with him or his cheery attitude. You wanted to be alone.

_____________

If I had a 100 years we could start a family A girl Maybe a boy We could have the white picket fence And grow old by each other’s side

____________

“There she is! The moody one.” His voice rung out, aggravating the already pulsing migraine you had going. You kept your hand over your eyes blocking out the light in the room hoping that if you ignored him, he’d just go away. Now if you had asked Damon, you would have known Kai doesn’t just go away. You did, however, learn a bit about Kai after his last visit and yet, somehow you weren’t afraid of him. “Tell me something, you’re human right? Why do you live in a house full of vamps?”

“Don’t you have other people to torment?”

“She speaks!” He stared at him through narrowed eyes. “As much as I enjoy making your friend’s lives hell, you’re more interesting. In that dark and broody kind of way.”

“Yeah well cancer will do that to you.” When you looked up again, his brow was furrowed and the way he looked at you, it almost made you laugh. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to feel bad for me, they already do enough of that when you’re not here.” He didn’t reply instead walking over to the couch to sit across from you. It was quiet for a while, uncharacteristic for Kai but you didn’t mind it, the quiet gave you a chance to let your head stop aching.

“Don’t they have like, treatment for that?” He spoke quietly, the gentleness in his voice surprised you, if anything you expected him to have stabbed you in the stomach by now, at least that’s the impression you got from anyone who’d spoken about him.

“We tried a lot of things, it’s, i’m a lost cause.”

_____________

If I had 100 years we could have a story worth telling Go on adventures Be spontaneous Be reckless and in love We could do anything and everything

______________

It’s not like you expected him to stick around, but he did. It was strange how quickly Kai changed after you told him you were sick. Frankly you weren’t sure why he cared at all but he showed up increasingly more over the weeks. And over the same course of time, you felt your body continue to rot away.

You didn’t bother to go to the doctors appointments anymore, opting to lounge around the living room with Kai instead. He was good company when he wasn’t trying to murder people. You taught him all about modern technology and daily movie binges kept him up to speed with today's pop culture.

You kept your sickness away from him, leaving the room whenever you noticed blood on your hands after sneezing or the sudden tiredness in your bones for no apparent reason. You didn’t want him to treat you like a sick girl. But sometimes, you couldn’t help it.

“Kai, you know I can’t do that.”

“Come on, I’ll make sure you don’t fall. Come on, it’ll be fun.” You gave in eventually unable to resist his boyish charm. He took your fragile hand in his, lifting you up until he was sure you could stand on your own two feet. He walked away from you, turning back and holding his arms out. “Okay so you just run and jump and I’ll lift you up.”

“If you drop me, I’ll burn your dirty dancing dvd, Kai.” He laughed urging you to run forward. For a moment, you almost thought you could do it, it was a split second before you jumped and then your vision blurred and you found yourself moving down instead of up. You heard him calling your name but all you could do was fade out.

You woke sometime later in your own bed, an anxious Kai sitting beside you vigorously running his hand through his hair. He noticed your staring, automatically pulling you towards him.

“I’m sorry.” He breathed into your hair, you could swear you heard his voice shaking as he said it.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just, not as capable as I used to be.” Kai pulled away putting his hands on either side of your face lifting your chin to look at you. You searched his eyes waiting for him to say something.

Instead, he closed the gap between you, pressing his mouth lightly over yours.

____________

If I had a 100 years I could learn every little thing about you How you like your coffee Which side of the bed you prefer Hell, even your favorite color I’d want to know it all

____________

You weren’t sure when or how it had even happened, one day Kai was only a person in your life and the next he was the only person you wanted in your life.

Maybe that was the worst part, he was just starting his new life while you were nearing the end of yours. You were afraid of leaving him behind. You were angry that there was this entire live you wanted to live and you couldn’t have it. Not like Elena and Damon.

“If you could do anything, what would you do?” You asked him, resting your head on his chest listening to the steady beats of his heart. He was quiet for a long while, you thought he may have actually fallen asleep but when you stared up at him, you found his watery eyes glued to you.

“I would heal you.”

____________

If I had a 100 years I could map out every inch of you I’d know the exact shade of your eyes Every scar and how you got it Every freckle that dots your skin The best places to kiss you

_____________

You couldn’t remember the last time you laughed like this, or the last time you felt this alive. Kai watched you from across the dimly lit bar, your smile motivating him to keep going. He knew he was awful at karaoke but anything to see that smile, it was worth it.

He made it back to your table, wrapping an arm over your shoulder and brushing his lips against your temple. “Wasn’t that the best singing you’ve ever heard?” You smacked his shoulder holding in another fit of laughter at the sight of him prancing around the stage in an off pitch rendition of ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’.

“Yeah definitely, the best. Kai, are you sure you’re not tone deaf?” You joked. You watched others go on stage and give it a try, Kai occasionally making fun of the awful song choices beside you. You closed your eyes, taking in the moment, feeling the warmth and happiness surge through your body.

You didn’t realize this was what they meant when they talked about the last ‘good’ day.

____________

If I had a 100 years I could show you who I am What I love What I hate All my stories All my dreams

_____________

You smiled at his teary eyed face. You’d never seen him this way before, hell, you weren’t even sure it was possible. Kai holds you in his arms, his fingers lightly tracing your face, brushing over your lips and down your chin. You can see he’s holding back, he’ll wait to fall apart when you can’t see him. Truth be told you were never supposed to love him but loving him had become the best part of your life, the most bearable part of it all. It’s like when you looked at him the stars aligned, when you kissed him, you hardly noticed the burning sensation that pervaded your body.

“Maybe there’s a way, I’m a gemini, maybe I can, a spell or something-” You lifted a hand to his face silencing his rambling. There was no use in hypotheticals.

“You remember when we met?”

“I remember the cupcakes, I was on my way there to kill all of you..but I couldn’t do it.” You mustered up a smile at the thought. He was so different then, all sarcasm and anger. You saw good in him, something light that he himself hadn’t realized was there.

“I think maybe, you should have. It would be easier than saying goodbye to you.” You heard the sharp inhale from beside him, looking away to let him compose himself. You weren’t even sure how you were holding it together. Maybe for him, maybe because the searing pain in your lungs kept you from crying. You were tired, you were so tired.

“I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I want more time.”

“I wish I had a 100 years…. a 100 years I could give to you, Kai.” He leans down, laying his head in the crook of your neck, inhaling the familiar scent of you. You run your hand through his hair until the drowsiness takes over, you let your eyes fall shut to the sound of Kai’s unsteady breath beside you.

_____________

If I had a 100 years I would love you The way that you deserved to be loved And I would find every possible way in the universe To make sure you knew it

#kai parker #kai parker imagine #imagine #kai parker x reader #oneshot #tvd #tvd imagine #the vampire diaries #the vampire diaries imagine #i wrote 4 different versions of this and this is the trash heap i came up with #enjoy #i love depression n dying m8

74 notes · View notes

imagine-ikebukuro · 7 years

Text

tagged in a few things

more under the cut!

92 truths meme

Tagged by: @glitzcake thank u!

LAST…

[1] Drink: orange juice

[2] Phone call: a friend of mine, annika

[3]Text message: my brother

[4] Song you listened to: this remix, i’m obsessed with it lately!

[5] Time you cried: aw shit, a few days ago? last weekend? idk man

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] Dated someone twice: no

[7] Been cheated on: nope

[8] Kissed someone and regretted it: yup

[9] Lost someone special: kind of? but… more in a sense of drifting apart rather than someone passing away

[10] Been depressed: not diagnosed, but i’m pretty sure my mental health is not at its best at all

[11] Gotten drunk and thrown up: lmao yes and not only once either

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLORS…

[12] grey!

[13] turquoise!

[14] burgundy!

IN THE LAST YEAR…

[15] IN THE LAST YEAR…

[16] fallen out of love: nah

[17] laughed until you cried: pretty sure

[18] found out someone was talking about you: people be talking shit 24/7 and all i gotta say about it: I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS IT’S ABOUT ME

[19] met someone who changed you: mhhhh, no not really

[20] found out who your true friends are: definitely!

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: yeeeaaah? could’ve been in 2015, my sense of time is terrible Dx

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: 90% of people, 5% others are friends i’ve known for several months or years over the internet and 5% are random people or some “celebrities” i found lmao

[23] do you have any pets: no, sadly not ;;

[24] do you want to change your name: i’m fine with my name, tbh!

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went to the museum and ate sushi with my family and a few weeks later had a party with my friends

[26] what time did you wake up: today? 8am

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: watching youtube videos

[28] name something you cannot wait for: to finally be accepted to college and not being nervous about applying for university and everything, but have it all sorted out

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: she’s sitting in the same room as me right now

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: if i could go back in time, i would do anything to have my father and i get along properly today

[31] what are you listening to right now: a zelda remix playlist

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: actually, yes, i had a huge crush on someone named tom, he was two classes above me during middle school

[33] something that is getting you nervous: the thought of me getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, ugh. also, general organization and planning shit, like applying for college, moving out of my hometown, living on my own very soon, being forced to meet new people, all that jazz.

[34] most visited website: i guess tumblr? even though, lately, it’s probably youtube

[35] elementary: 2004 - 2008

[36] high school: graduated last year

[37] college: i can apply for my first semester next week. if i’m accepted, i’ll start going there in fall this year.

[38] hair color: i’m a ginger, so red-brown

[39] long or short hair: short! i cut it into an undercut like almost 2 years ago

[40] do you have a crush on someone: no, i avoid that shit

[41] what do you like about yourself: my eye color?

[42] piercings: i literally got zero piercings, not even on my ears, but i wish i had an industrial piercing and i used to really want flesh tunnels, maybe i’ll get there eventually

[43] blood type: i actually don’t know :^)

[44] nickname: some people call me lilly, some call me li. the villagers in my animal crossing town call me ukeprince, wot

[45] relationship status: married to the neighbour’s cat which i saw from my window and went out for just to pet it about 500 times by now

[46] zodiac sign: virgo!

[47] pronouns: they/them, she/her, he/him

[48] fav tv show: at the moment i’m watching PLL (but i don’t like it at all so rip) my favorite’s gotta be buffy the vampire slayer!

[49] tattoos: none yet

[50] right or left hand: right handed

FIRST…

[51] surgery: i had surgery in my mouth last year and like mentioned above, i’m getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, if that counts

[52] piercing: none

[53] best friend: she’s not even active on tumblr anymore, rip, her name’s lydia though IF YOU READ THIS, THEN HELLO MY BRO

[54] sport: i’m planning to swim regularly again after recovering and healing up from surgery

[55] vacation: if it counts, my first ever “vacation” was the music festival Rock im Park 2013 with my father and a good friend of mine

[56] pair of trainers: no clue

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing

[58] drinking: orange juice

[59] i’m about to: maybe get to playing some loz: botw

[60] listening to: still the loz remix playlist

[61] waiting for: anxious feelings to pass

[62] want: a huge cup of coffee

[63] get married: nopedy nope, i don’t fixate myself on wishing to get married. if it happens, it happens and i’ll be happy about it, but if not, then that’s cool on my terms, too!

[64] career: i’m working on becoming a teacher (i want to teach german, english and ethics in high schools)

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: honestly, it depends, but generally, i’d say hugs

[66] lips or eyes: eyessss

[67] shorter or taller: i don’t care, both is nice

[68] older or younger: as long as it’s pretty close to my age, i don’t mind

[69] romantic or spontaneous: neither LMAO if i had to chose, romantic, bc i’m as spontaneous as a potato, i gotta plan ahead, bruh

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: stomach! and by that i mean any kind of stomach! ripped af or soft, i’m weak.

[71] sensitive or loud: sensitive

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: a nice balance between the two would be cool. let’s be real though, troublemakers always catch my eye, even though i’m quickly annoyed by them just as well wtf is wrong with me

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger?: no

[75] drank hard liquor?: yes

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses?: no wtf i’d be walking around half blind

[77] turned someone down: yes

[78] sex on first date?: no

[79] broken someone’s heart?: apparently so

[80] had your own heart broken?: at the time i think i would’ve called it that, but honestly, it wasn’t that horrible, so nah?

[81] been arrested?: no

[82] cried when someone died?: yeah

[83] fallen for a friend?: do lowkey crushes count in which you gush over how amazing someone is? platonic crushes? it’s a thing.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself?: i used not to, but lately i’m more confident i think!

[85] miracles?: not really

[86] love at first sight?: no

[87] Santa Claus?: no

[88] kiss on the first date?: sure

[89] angels?: no

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: Lydia

[91] eye color: greyish-green (if i cry or sometimes late at night they’re really GREEN!)

[92] favorite movie: nightmare before christmas!

10 questions ask game.

tagged by @peacefuldesires thx!

What things make you smile and all warm-fuzzy inside? CATS no seriously, i can have the worst day, but when i walk home and get to pet a cat on the way, i instantly better. i remember coming home after my last final exam all upset and a cat meowing at me and purring and wanting to cuddle with me and i couldn’t help but smile!

What things make you feel a bit sad (don’t push yourself to answer this one)? my current family situation, there’s a bit of drama and fights going on.

What things inspire you to grow? anything and everything, to be honest. there’s new things you experience and learn every single day. things you conquer and master just fine and mistakes you make and all of them shape you into knowing what to do next time a bit more.

The last song(s) that you couldn’t stop listening to? i can’t really think of anything right now, uhhhh, i’ve been listening to the trust me durarara!! ending lately again haha

5. Are you an introvert/extrovert/ambivert? What kind (are you a shy extrovert, super confident introvert, or perhaps a really confused ambivert :0)?: i’m an introvert through and through. i wouldn’t say i’m exceptionally shy nor super confident. i’m somewhere in between. it really depends, around my friends i’m outgoing and cheering and with certain strangers, especially if i know i have to talk with them for literally no longer than 3 minutes right now (i.e. a cashier or someone you walk past) then i’m polite and rather talkative. i just feel exhausted even after spending a lot of time with friends, though the time was enjoyable, but i need my alone time for sure.

What calms you down? the triangle breath! it’s my favorite method to use whenever i feel anxious, upset, angry, or just need to stop and pause for a few minutes. you picture a triangle in your mind (you can even trace it with your finger, or if you can draw it on a piece of paper). you take a breath in through your nose, tracing one side of the triangle. then you breathe out through your mouth, tracing the second and third side of it. other than that, listening to music, taking a nap, petting a cat, watching videos of cats or other cute stuff, sometimes playing a video game.

A character that you really relate to (perhaps you have similar personalities, or maybe you came from similar backgrounds)?: this is gonna sound trashy, but saeyoung choi from mystic messenger and there’s a story behind it too. my friends were playing it way before me and told me “there’s this character that looks just like you, you know nerd glasses, messy red hair, always wearing a baggy black hoodie. he even acts like you, making puns and using memes ALL THE TIME!” and it’s true lmao. also, kaneki ken to some extent? like i really resonate with his personality, the choices he makes, his thoughts speak to me, he’s pretty harsh on himself and goes through ways that are self destructive if he can help others with it.

One thing you love learning? language, it’s just fascinating to me.

Angst or fluff? ANGST, I AM THE ANGST QUEEN, COME ON

If you punch yourself, does that mean you’re strong or does that mean you’re weak? neither and a little bit of both at the same time. let’s go deep in on this one and take the “punch” as emotional self loathing. bashing yourself down definitely doesn’t mean you’re strong, it doesn’t make you tough at all, it only means you’re harsh on yourself. it doesn’t make you weak either. you’re making yourself believe you are weak, but the fact that you endure that and still have the power to do so, means you’re tougher than you’re think.

MY QUESTIONS:

Now that spring’s here, what’s your favorite thing about this season and what do you not like about it?

What’s your spirit animal? Literally. Which animal do you think resembles your inner self and why? (maybe your Patronus, if you know it?

What’s your go-to order at a café?

Do you consider yourself to be creative?

If you could go back in time and change something, would you? If so, what? If not, why?

Where do you see yourself in 20 years from now?

Home sweet home, what makes you feel comfortable in your own home? What’s the overall aesthetic of your room, any colors, textures, an atmosphere, do you maybe keep many stuffed animals or posters or plants?

What do you think is most important when it comes to friendship?

What’s something you improved in since last year?

Werewolves or Vampires, which are cooler?

I tag: @imagine-your-party-hosts || @obsessivefujoshi || @dotaccino || @mollyxmousey || anyone who wants to do this

#i was tagged #shut up liane #long post for ts #not drrr

3 notes · View notes

bpdkipland · 7 years

Note

literally do them all lmao For the strawberry: a lizard person, a little gray alien, an orb, and the Burger King himself For mr horse: ur opinion on the Charmin toilet paper bears

thank you so much anon fuc ily

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

yikes startin out w a hard one then um when i was a kid i had such a stressful emotional time that it caused me to wet the bed until i was like 12 or 13? it was fuct up

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

probs my crush or my friend jacob bc he gives gr8 hugs ♥♥

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

Lugia bc when i was little i had a card that was all holographic and it had lugia on it. i never really got super into pokemon lol

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

oh god it would be a mess

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

honestly the only one coming to mind is the one i had as a kid where this creature opened up its head and ate my sister and im still scared of going outside in the dark to this day bc of it

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i have multiple best friends but theyre mostly all there for me whenever i need them? like one time jacob drove from the other side of town to give me earbuds bc i had lost mine

😘 talk about your crush or partner

GOD my crush is a literal angel???? like????? hoy fuk i love her so much she’s so sweet and kind and caring and she just radiates light and love and i got to kiss her on new years ♥♥♥♥

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

depends on HOW rude they were. like,... i was nice to my ex for so long lol

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

i like my nose, freckles, and the fact that im Nice

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

well its being abandoned by everyone i love and guess what thats starting to happen and im coping lmao

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

this video

💙 what annoys you about some people?

if they chew with their fockin mouth open i die

😤 do you get angry easily?

nope i actually am pretty slow to anger lol

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

do intrusive thoughts of people coming on to me count

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

well no offense but republicans would be illegal. sent off to an island not allowed to communicate with the rest of the world lol, strawberries would be in season year round, and weed would be legal bc i cant think of anything else

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

kiss: orb ♥♥befriend: lizard person kill: k i l l t h e b o r g (burger king) marry: gray alien

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

ive not been to any good cities so i dont know

☕️ talk about your ideal day

hanging out with all my friends, they dont all hate each other, we all watch movies in a big cuddle puddle and im in the middle of it ♥♥

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

definitely an ambivert.

💧 when was the last time you cried?

fuck????? i dont remember???? my eyes welled up yesterday does that count

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

in no particular order: 1. Come On Eileen 2. Insomnia (by Dirty Heads) 3. Birdhouse in Your Soul4. Ana Ng5. Moving On (by James)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

pyrokinesis so i can light all abusers on fire lol

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

Listen, kid, there’s a reason you hate yourself and there’s a reason you wanna die all the time but lemme tell you, it ain’t worth it. those hospital stays aren’t worth it. you might not believe it but you’re over 250 days clean! didn’t think you’d make it this far, huh? you also made it to 18 years of age. you’re gonna be okay, kid.

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

myself when i’m in a nice mood bc like??? shut yo nice ass up

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

bravery honestly. i have reasons but i dont have words for the reasons rn

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

um that secret i told the fuck

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i know English and tiny bits of French and i’d love to become fluent in French and Italian?

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

i wanna be best friends with mike wazowski

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

???????

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

it’s a bit late but did do some dishes for my mom cleaned off my desk so i could start painting again :>

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

new c/r/yptid: Lance Cube.

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

y’know when ur eyes just start crying when the rest of u is fine?? like wow i didnt know i was supposed to be emotional but ig????

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

i’m anxious because my doctors office isnt giving my medical records to the michigan works people im working with so they cant open a case for me, making it so they cant help me find a job bc of my mental illnesses

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be a veterinarian but now i wanna be a zookeeper

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

i loooove peach rings and sour patch kids and !!!! strawberry shortcake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

animal crossing tbh i love it so much

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

i get auditory hallucinations and i just start crying no matter what stressed mood im in. angry stressed? crying. happy stressed? crying. anxious stressed? crying

😪 what are you sick of?

having kidney disease??? ?

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i mean? sometimes? but yall gotta talk me into going on roller coasters

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

red beet eggs are my LIFE if i could eat them daily i would die, peppers are fucking gross, and tea is fucking gross unless its Tea

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

i like to think i am a good person?

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

draw & sing!!!!

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

You Ain’t No Saint by Aaron West and The Roaring Twenties

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

I’m annoying. I plan on improving it by shutting my ass up

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

i draw people and eyes mainly. and the occasional hand

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i’m too shy and bisexual for this

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

fuck i dont remember i just know i have the same one as Fox Mulder and thats why it fits me lmao

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

...u didnt give me 3 ppl....

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

mothman because he’s my boyfriend

🐴 opinion on __? (Charmin Toilet Paper Bears)

they wipe my ass for me

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

i used to be. now im not so sure.

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

yall i’ve only read 3 books

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i usually mope around and sleep a lot. it doesnt help usually.

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

Death Anxiety

🌍 which country do you live in?

USA!

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

needy, petty, and damaged

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“What’s your Fursona” - @thebpdevil“Your job is to break death’s heart”

💭 do you keep a diary?

I keep a bullet journal!! i think thats kinda similar

💫 who inspires you?

honestly my dad??? but also idk :/

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

hell YES because i am one

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

department store clearance section & band merch

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

Heathers, Taken, Girl Interrupted, and if u watch the OA in one shot it counts as a movie i’m counting it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

Throwing mashed potatoes at my sister.

🐱 what’s your dream pet like?

Cat snake (ferret) who loves to cuddle and doesnt bite :-)

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be?

probably???? um???? Patrick Stump or Pete Wentz honestly.

HOO THIS WAS FUN AND IT TOOK OVER AN HOUR TO DO THANK YOU

#asks #anon #Anonymous

2 notes · View notes

ilygsd · 6 years

Text

ok so the question is if im gonna open nyself up to him and tell him i had like 25262 anxiety attacks these 2 last days or if i should just ignore it and pretend that im super cool and all is fine and what r u talking abt??? i wasnt freaked out at all? i was just chilling all day lmaooo

he will see through me wont he..... but if i dont tell him then maybe he thinks im getting better at u know holding stuff in i mean HE DOESNT CARE ANYWAYS IM OBVIOUSLY DOING IT FOR HIM

i am the list pathetic human being in this world. anyone wants to know for how long ive known this guy? HAHAHAHAHA BITCH IVE GROWN EMOTIOKALLY DEPENDANT ON GUYS I HAVENT EVEN MET that was wilde and i would rather not talk abt that fuck brain stfu sont bring up him

anYwAySs i feel better cus he replied

im just gonna pray i wont get emo and anxious when i get to him

i hate that he thinks everything i do is manipulative. he says he doesnt think i do it on purpose...... does that mean i actually AM manipulative? NO ITS JUST HOW IM FEELING I CANT STAND BEING AVABDONED AND OFC ILL DO ANYTHING I CAN ILL BEG ON MY KNEES OR SET THEM ON FIRE IF I HAVE TO i-is t-that..... m-m-manipulat-tive....

god i cant believe he basically said he cant be with me unless i learn to love myself BUTTT it has to be ”on my conditions” do that means i cant love myself to make him stay it means i’ll have to ACTUALLY try and love myself LMAOOO

and ghat will absolutely not happen and this ugly masternind will see through my lies (hes a bit too paranoid tho like he thinks im lying even when i tell the truth ugh) even if i pretend to love myself i mean i cant have these vreakdowns if i love myself right and i will most certainly have these breakdowns and then i absolutely CAN NOT LET HIM KNOWWW BUT I HAVE ZERO IMPULSE CONTROL SO HE WILL KNOW ABYWAYS

oh god he will leave me anyways

but you know what..... thats cool bc we’re gonna stop dating soon anyways

im obviously too unstable he thinks im too immature

also him and his weird ass goals, he even told me he wants to bleach his teeth bc ”im gonna be a poltician, all piliricsn has white shiny teeth” his teeth are already white?? wth

i hate when he does that it creeps the fuck out of me like when he showed up in a nice suit and im like oooh nice feeling fancy today ;)))) and hes like ”no im just making myself comfortable if im gonna be a serious and respect politicsn/psychologist i have to dress like one”

when he threatened to murder me TWICEEEE but then goes like ”i wouldnt actually murder you, that would ruin my future career” OH THANKS SO MUCH YOU EDGY BITCH

so yeah sooner or later he will dump me. also his expectations of sex...... also he literally dont seem to bond at all wheb having sex its like in and out and then maybe some cuddle if he’ nice

ok in exaggerating sex is actually nice with him at least last time but maybe im just thinkin that visnum attracted to him. its like the other way around for us. i told him LOVE is whats behind my sex. i said ofc sexual attraction too but i could probably find some ugly dude attractive if i LOVED them. not gj my ex though ghats sad bc i certainly do love them.... ugh anyways he was low key offended he was like ”if u think in ugly but just love me i’ll cut you” I WAS IFFENDED LIKE EXCUSE ME YOURE THE ONE WHO SEES OUR RELATIONSHIP AS A FUCKING WHORE CONTRACT and hes likes ”yeah”

and thats where i lost my shit :———)

BUT ITS COOL I NEED TO VE ALONE ABD IBDEPENDANT ANYWAYS JUST DONT GO BACK TO YOUR EX THAT WOULD BE SO SHOTTY OF ME I NEED TO SUFFER ALONE ABD GET THINGS DONE BUT AT THE SAME TIME I ALSO NEED TO PRACTICE ABD HES SO GOOD AT PRACTICING REALTIONSHUPS IWTH BC HE DOEST CARE OR GET HURT LMAO only angry and i guess thats his way of ”getting hurt” ugh

i dont need him. hes still a dumb fkn centrist, making racist jokes right in front of my face sometimes he REALLY MADE AN ADOPTION-NO-ONE-LOVED-YOU JOKE IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE WHEN I OPENED UP AVOUT MY ADOPTION THE VERY ISSUE AND REASON I AM LIKE THIS

i actually cant believe he did ghat, i didnt even realise he did until he apologized and made sure ”it was just a stupid joke” and even then i didnt register it. idk he’s dumb as shit its so fkn weird how much i let him hurt my feelings bc if it was someone else i’d fuxk them in the asshole but im just here letting him fuck me over bc i blame it on is aspd bug actually its just an excuse bc..... bc...... bc..... i dont want him to leave OH FUCK IT REALLY IS LIKE THAT RIGHT I REALLY AL STUCK ON HIM GREAT

whatever you do dont fkn devalue him. omg omg u dont eant it to end like with your ex bff who made u depressed and suicidal and now u will live the rest of your life in INTENSE SHAMEEEE bc of how u treated her and reacted to her leaving you DONT ACT LIKE THAT WHEN HE LEAVES YOU DINT

i probably wont. i wouldnt dare to. i thought i could manipulate my ex bff by scaring and threatening her but i couldnt abd i KNOW i wont ve able to with him. i’ll probably just fall into self-hatered self pity and despair abd maybe secretely stalk his social media but i wouldnt dare to do anything

ugagahIbwlsbslsksvdjsnsksbs my bRaINnNn

#diary #jo

0 notes

depressionconsumes · 6 years

Note

answer all of the questions (:

1. Are you good at apologizing?: well.. I think I am. If I know I’m in the wrong I’ll be the first to say I am sorry.

2. Do you prefer your looks or personality?: uhh.. I struggle with liking either to be honest.

3. Are you confident?: sometimes I can be.

4. What are you most confident about yourself?: I’m confident about my eyes I guess ^^

5. Name a few songs that remind you of someone, and who they remind you of: I like it like that by cardi b, the other popular song by cardi b, country roads… they all remind me of my best friend!

6. What is your favorite color combination?: oh this is easy. My three fav colors ofc, blue green and purple xD

7. Define your “aesthetic”: do faeries, elves, mermaids and aliens count as an aesthetic?

8. What is sex to you?: to me it’s something I will only have again if I completely love and trust a person. I wont give that part of myself away to someone I dont love.

9. Do you have any kinks? What are they?: shittt this is a loaded question Haha.. uhh. Well. I’m into BDSM to a degree, I’m a switch but I’m usually more submissive. I could go more into what I’m into with BDSM but I dont want too LOL. most my kinks relate too it as well.

10. What are your biggest pet peeves?: I have so many. Lying, rude customers at work, people making my bestfriend sad, people who have kids but dont care about them enough. The list is long my dudes.

11. What’s something that automatically turns you off of other people?: hmm.. uhh.. getting caught in a lie and trying to make me feel bad about catching the lie they told? That’s something I guess LOL

12. What song always makes you sad and emotional?: right now, what if and we belong make me sad. Theres alot of songs that get me emotional tbh.

13. How many people have you dated? How many of them do you still have feelings for?: 3 serious relationships. I’ve dated 7 total people though. I’m not answering the second part but I will say if you truly love someone you will always have a place in your heart for them.

14. How are you with moving on?: I’m okay with it. At first it’s hard for me. But give it a little bit and I get back up and keep trekking on. You have to be willing to move on to actually do so.

15. What’s a philosophy you agree with but fail to live by?: uhh.. anarchism maybe.

16. What’s something you dont like about yourself?: I don’t like much about myself but I guess I’ll go with the biggest one and say my body.

17. What’s something positive happening in your life right now?Well I think I finally found the path in life that I’m supposed to be on with work if that makes sense. I finally have a job I love to go too.

18. Are you truly able to admit your faults in relationships to yourself?I think I am. I dont always know what my faults are but if they’ve been pointed out and if I see them myself I’m the first one to admit I was at fault. So long as I actually was.

19. Is it important to be a good person?:It depends. I think for the most part yes. But what is a good person actually?

20. Are you a good person? I can be I think. But I also can be a shitty person. I think everyone’s capable of both.

21. How could you become a better personMaybe being less bitter hahahahaha

22. Would/have you ever pierced your genitalia?No. Probably not.

23. Have you ever been in love? If so with how many people?Once. I’ve experienced actually loving someone once in my life. Its powerful and it never goes away.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight? I mean.. yes. I believe in soulmates and such and sometimes when you meet a soul mate or someone supposed to be in your life for whatever reason, I believe love at first site can happen.

25. Which social science interests you most? Psychology, sociology or anthropology? Why? Its definitely a close tie between psychology and anthropology. I love learning how our brains work but I also absolutely love learning about culture so it’s hard to chose just one.

26. Have you ever orgasmed?No. No I havent actually. I try believe me.

27. Have you ever made someone else orgasm?Yes. Yes I have.

28. During sexual interaction what is most important too you?Feeling wanted and feeling safe.

29. Are you comfortable being sexual with lots of people?Not really. I’ve had sex twice with one person in my life and that person took advantage of my both times and then did a shitty thing too me. So sex is a hard subject for me.

30. I dont feel like answering this one sorry guys.

31. What’s your favorite song to sing alot?Uhhhh.. COUNTRY ROADDDSS TAKE ME HOMEE TO THE PLACE. I BELONGGG

32. What’s some “embaressing” music you listen too?Weeb ass music LOL

33. What are you most snobby/pretentious about?UHHH… I dont know really

34. How do you Express sad emotions? And happy emotions?I bottle up sad emotions usually and replace them with laughing and being bitter or angry lol. Sometimes I cry too tho. Happy emotions I just get excited usually I guess.

35. Do you Skype? Facetime?Yepp yep I do. Have been doing that since I was like 13/14

36. How do you feel about phone calls?Eh.. if it’s with someone I love I like them. Otherwise i hate phone calls they make me anxious.

37. How do you feel about texting? I’m most comfortable texting because i usually Express myself better then when I’m word vomiting all over.

38. What are your thoughts on LDRs?They’re hard. And hard work. And they dont always last and survive but when they do it’s a beautiful thing. I’ve been in a few myself..

39. The answer is no I havent. Not yet anyway

40. When and why was the last time you cried?Not long ago. I’ve been crying alot lately. The reason why recently has been the same. Life is overwhelming and I feel an incredible emptiness.. emptiness isn’t even the right word but it’s close. So sometimes I just break down and cry about it. Sometimes I cry because I just dont want to keep fighting for a life in this shitty world but.. I have people in my life who keep me going.

41. What’s something that you love that you never do anymore? Why dont you do it?Draw on paper and write.. I lost my spark I guess. I havent done either of those things besides writing letters to my bestfriend in awhile.

42. Are you afraid to die?No not really. Only afraid of the people I love hurting if I died.

43. If there were no limits, who and what would you be?Id be a mystical as fuck elf okay. Like hell yeah. Or a fairy maybe. Like pls

44. Are you more likely to be a sub or dom during sex?I’m more sub.

45. Describe your fashion senseI wear what I want and what I’m comfortable in. Dresses r life.

46. Do you have stage fright?Yes.

47. Did you ever put your hand up in class?Yes.

48. Are you more of an open or closed person?Uh.. both really.

49. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? And the best?Losing my virginity was probably the worst. My bestfriend entering my life is probably the best.

50. Are you a theist? Uhh… well. I’m an agnostic theist if I’m being honest. Dont know what that is? Google is your friend.

51. What are your top three places you want to travel and why?Ireland(and the UK in general) because my roots lie there. Japan because I love Japanese culture and it’s beautiful there. Andd… France. So I have a reason to finish becoming fluent in French.

52. What’s something you thought would be really scary/bad, but when it actually happened it was fine?Rollercoasters. Was terrified now I’m obsessed.

53. When you sleep at a friends house, how often do you sleep in their bed?Uh.. I only have had one friend where I was actually comfortable enough to sleep in their bed, and it was in high school and it took multiple times of her saying I could for me to be like you know what.. okay why not. Platonically sleeping with someone isn’t bad. I was more afraid I’d roll over or something and push her out of her own bed then anything tbh

54. Can you sleep facing someone?I dont know. Never got the chance to experience that to know yet.

55. Do you ever get in slumps? If so how often/long do they happen?Absolutely. All the time. It depends really. They can last a day or a year or feel neverending.

56. Do you like being alone?Most of the time yes. But sometimes I crave being around people.

57. Are you social?I can be.

58. How do you feel about parties?Depends on the party. I like to party definitely but not all parties are fun.

59. Have you ever hosted a party? Howd it go?Yeah I have. It went well. Everyone had fun. Think we even had a line in the backyard for chacha slide lolol

60. What questions do you love to ask people?What’s your zodiac sign?

61. What questions do you live to be asked?I dont know.

62. Are you confrontational? Does it make you uncomfortable when others are?Not usually no. I hate confrontation. And it does make me uncomfortable yes. I have an issue where I’m almost always defensive and it’s because of living with narcissists and people who emotionally abused me my entire life and blamed me for things I didnt do. So I really struggle with the side effects of living that way tbh.

There yall gp. I did it. Bc ily guys

0 notes

xelere · 6 years

Text

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME

#kms #kmf #= killing my family #pp

0 notes

iamacolor · 7 years

Note

I like Milan but I almost feel like he’s either going to be using/playing Georgie orrr he’s going to like your Elvis drama is Sth I am not really here for and then move in. Bc Georgie is still in denial about her feelings for Elvis. I feel like I missed Sth between s2 and s3. Like...why are they like this again she was Spider-Man kissing him at the end of the season before leaving for the ultimate bff adventure (can she come back? The bff and/or that Georgie). I figured it had Sth to do with 1/?

2/With Laura and Laura’s mom, like where Georgie felt guilty bc she couldn’t be a “mom” in the same way bc she’s committed to her wk and then one sidedly (like Elvis in s2) decided what was best for them and that meant splitting up(again). But now the maisie thing in the previews if accurate complicated it bc it’s like I left so you could have a “perfect” family with Laura and her mom but he’s all like um what? Why? I just want you and to be a dad not that kind of family but perhaps3/ I have read too much into the situation. Idk. I also want maisie to get with the guy who lost his cell phone to the girl. They’re cute and I’m skeptical anything happened with Elvis but if it did it was probs like a we are sad and/or drunk kind of thing. Idk. Ugh so much drama and can capt and molly not be split bc that would make me so sad! Ugh what drama awaits? I am not ready, I’m sure. Oh one other thing-who is capt pushing angrily and talking abt trust?!?!And what’ll happen to the kids!?

Yeah the thing about Milan is that we only know good things about him so it doesn’t leave much room for analysis in a way but yeah I wonder how it’s going to end with him. I think your second option is the most likely because I don’t see what he could get from Georgie? For it to be a good enough reason to use her. Maybe he’ll give up because of her story with Elvis. I think that’s more likely.

And yeah I agree with you about Georgie’s feelings for Elvis, she isn’t honest with herself about them. Georgie is someone who doesn’t really deal with her feelings. She usually just says “I’m fine” and forces herself to move on even if she needs time to sit down and think about these things. I personnaly think that at the end of season 2 Georgie was very overwhelmed with the Elvis situation, especially after running away from her wedding with Jamie and Elvis once again risking death for her, so she decided that she needed a break and that’s why she went back to Kenya to work with Nefula. She wanted some time to herself without having to think about Elvis and the possibilities there (typical Georgie throwing herself into action). So I personnally don’t think they went back together at some point but I’m thinking they definitely did a few missions together like the one we saw at the beginning of episode 1. I think she’s trying to keep him away because she’s made a decision about him (that it’s too complicated and she doens’t want to do complicated) and she wants to stick to it but he won’t give up easily we know that. So she keeps rejecting him. But I definitely think that if Georgie ever considers going back with Elvis (or when she might have thought about it), Laura might be an issue because she’s the reason why she couldn’t marry Elvis and that would mean a kid to take care of which is a big responsability and as you say Georgie is more focused on her work.

We know that apparently Maisie and Elvis have an history together but I’m really skeptical about it and I definitely don’t think that it was anything serious. Elvis is too hang up on Georgie anyway. Like you said it was probably just a one time only type of thing. But it’s probably going to make Georgie think that Elvis isn’t serious and that he’s been playing with her all along? Which is going to be one more obstacle in their way and is going to make Georgie angry and push him away. Which is also going to create more tension between Maisie and Georgie (as if we needed more, just want them to finally see eye to eye). And yeah I think Maisie and Rab will definitely happen at one point, he’s already gone for her and they’re really nice together. But I wonder if they’ll become really serious or not.

As for Captain James and Molly, I’m definitely sure now that they’re still together because in this article : http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ Captain James is mentionned as her husband. I advise you to read this article because it gives a few details about the season (we’re apprently getting 3 tours with 4 episodes each so the drama is definitely going to take its time to be solved!!). Whatever drama comes next I’m not ready either lol. That little preview of Captain James screaming about trust makes me really anxious because Charles is always so collected and in control and never gets physical so something bad must’ve happened!!! What we know for sure is that they’re back in Afghanistan where the situation is difficult, Maisie and Elvis story is going to be found out by Georgie and in return Maisie is going to talk about Milan to Elvis I think.

And as for the Fara storyline, I’m really worried about her. I think the othe rkids are going to be alright but she’s all on her own in a huge city and something really bad could happen to her. I can’t wait for the next episode.

Also I just rewatched season 2 episode 3 and all my Georgie/Elvis feels are back this episode is so intense and it has so many moments of them I’m… What is going to happen to them?

#i just want to honestly thank you for sending me this message because i love talking about the show!!!#our girl #so many things happening and feels all at once #which is why this is so long #anonymous #i've got mail

0 notes