#bc im not going to complain to u abt u or how mentally ill i get in the flat. am i now. exactly. they all probably think im fine lmfao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fitzverse · 1 year

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Anyone wanna see the 20 minute rant my toxic friend sent to me, explaining why they and everyone hates me. TW: it is alot.

(THIS IS VERY VERY TRIGGERING!!!! trigger warnings: mentions of SH, scars, tr4uma, su!c!de, cyb3rbully!ng, mentions of dr!nking, mentions of w33d, mentions of being h!gh, mentions of being drvnk, codependancy, manipulation, getting b3at up, strong words of hate, isolation.

(LAST WARNING!!!!)

“okay. so basically ive been genuinely sick of you for awhile. like all you do is follow me and austin and all the boys around like a fucking puppydog, then complain that no one likes you and how im your only friend or wtv. like it genuinely pisses me and everyone else off. maki literally said he dislikes you, seven is literally dating someone in grade 12 and never liked you and said yall never went on a date, hunter and austin both complain abt you, sully literally hates you, and ive been sick of you for awhile. you showed me your scars outta no where one time, which was incredibly triggering in of itself, you say you have all these mental illnesses which is kinda odd how you just share them with the whole class?? and its also kinda odd you share your suicidal thoughts and attempts to the whole class??? you got mad at annika for a completely stupid reason as she was right and trying to be protective. i quite literally hate you and have for awhile. Briah also seems sick of you. Like your genuinely such a dick. your toxic, as well. you tell me to stop being friends with one of my friends, just bc you disliked them? regardless of if they were a dick to you, they are my friends. i have many friends like him. and you can tell the whole school abt it bc i do nothing they do, im just friends with them. your friends with sully regardless of his past. do i care? no. heather is also completely sick of you, literally based on her expression when she talks to u i can tell. i dont even understand how you got with heather. and genuinely what the fuck is glitchself. I understand he/they/it but what is glitchself. you also constantly complain about how your high or how ur drunk or whatever. then you post abt all ur issues and lifestories online, for some odd reason. I dont even understand why. sure, i go through shit, do i post it on my tiktok or instagram announcing it to everyone who follows you or sees your profile. no. its just so odd. go ahead and tell the whole school abt me if you want, i have so much shit on you that idk if you even wanna do that. also, you can go ahead and beat me up. go for it. honestly, all bark no bite. i could genuinely fucking demolish you. id like to see you even try. go ahead and cry about this on ur story or smth. i genuinely hope you never talk to me or any of us again. you got the whole school hating on you at this point. also i assume ur gonna get kai/hope involved? yeah go for it. itd be funny seeing you guys scream at me for being right. LMAO.”

#trigger #triggering themes #sh trigger warning #trauma talks #abandonment #sh mention #bullying #cyberbullying #tw alchohol mention #tw vent #tw sucidal ideation #tw substance abuse #tw bullying #tw hatred

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homeoftheyell · 1 year

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y do ppl fake mental illness n shit?? i kinda forgot ppl give u attention but like.

i j had a panic attack n complained abt the chest pains n my friend asked if I was ok and I said yeah and I asked abr what he was watching n he said he wasn’t paying attention bc my chest pain panic attack was more important or smth. idk I sat there for a couple mins in shock bc idk how 2 respond. like.. girl do not take me srsly.. like..

ik the obvious reaction is well u said it ofc u want the attention/ ur gonna get it. but like. i j said it like the way I say other things. like shir i fell down the stairs or i j saw a man on this sick ass bike. idk man, it was j so weird.

ppl who attention seek r so weird. but honestly im open abt all my bullshit n its like.. idk. i guess i wasnt expecting that reaction. idk what 2 say. the genuine concern wasnt like. expected??

like i was tryna get my panic attack meds n someone was like should icall 911 for u n i was like nah itll go away idk y ppl take me so srsly.

like mental health 4 me is a joke. like wtv happens is like random bs yk. ik i should b grateful 4 the concern n how lucky I am ppl care. but man kinda shocking

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randombubblegum · 2 years

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hi Sydney okay I’m just saying in advance I hope this doesn’t come off as weird but. im a little younger than u (24) and I unfortunately hang out in a circle of ppl who are constantly talking abt how old they are despite only being in their 20s and I honestly admire how fun and exciting ur life seems like it honestly feels like ur living the ideal 20something life instead of being like….well im not 19 anymore so my life sucks LOL I hope this doesn’t come off as weird but when I look at ur blog and see ur romanticizing ur adventures and just drinking and having fun and being young it really cheers me up lol

DUDE!!!!! T___T wtf this is so nice……… like im so touched youd send this……….. the thing about being in your 20s is you ARE so fucking young youre literally a kid!!!!!!! ive always been sort of the young one in every friend group ive ever had by 2-3 years and i think thats sort of given me this mentality that im young but the thing is i AM young. and so are you!!!!!!!!!! honestly sorry to your friends but this attitude SUCKS like holy shit theres no way to make yourself feel older than complaining about being old when you arent. ill make the occasional joke that im old (esp online since it skews so young) but i dont rly think i am……. all my friends are still out here having hobbies and interests and parties and get-togethers well into their early 30s so i think im lucky to know i can keep being like i am now for years to come lol……. honestly you need better friends!!!! -__- or at least you need to stop them when they go down that conversation path bc its a bummer and not true LOL

also thanks for liking my adventures >__< honestly its funny, i only post like one tenth of what im up to irl on tumblr compared to like twitter or whatever i just figure no one following me on here rly cares what i do in real life lol so i feel rly shy >< even doing that diary thing lately has made me kind of embarrassed LOL idk why tho!!!! i rly do have tons of fun in my real life!!!! its hard sometimes because i think i was having more fun before covid hit and i was free and easy bouncing between friends on both coasts like being a socialite was my job but…….. i have a lot of fun now too even though im 3 years older than i was then?? i still love my friends and i still love going out and drinking and being social in a big group of other ppl my age and going on adventures just because i can……….. i hope anyone reading this will keep having fun no matter how old you get lol :’) my happiest times in life have been after i turned 21 for sure!!!!!!!

listen youre not old at 20, keep the rose colored glasses on and romanticize your own life, surround yourself with people who make you feel young………. if life ended at 19 then id have died cold alone miserable and half-starved in a doom room bed. thank the fucking lord it doesnt

#bleach your hair move to japan get a job somewhere weird go bsck to school do WHATEVER u gotta do #mail time!

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iclaimedtobethebetterbard · 2 years

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NOT A QUESTION ABT LORE but what r everyone's fave type of music / fav artists / etc . This is very important

oooooh this is a good question and i can probably not give it as good of an answer as it deserves because i grew up in a white evangelical community /neg and was basically not allowed to listen to anything but That Kind of worship music for the first like 14-16 years of my life. so since then i have been trying to figure out how normal-people listening to music works. i still haven’t really figured it out, i’ve just found a few artists that i like and i just kind of put them on repeat and am not sure how to go about regularly finding more new things i will enjoy. like. i listened to over 11,000 minutes of lil nas x last year. (which i am very proud of actually lol.) but like, that one artist was a full tenth of what i listened to the entire year.

[ask me questions abt the backstories/lore for my if you’re going my way, i’ll go with you fic]

answers in terms of general vibes below the cut, although i do not know enough about music as a whole to give really specific examples like u asked for i am sorry 😭 (if you have opinions on what they would listen to, you are Probably Correct and also I Would Like To Hear Them) (also cw allistic ableism mention):

so obviously virgil likes emo, because that’s the law when you write fanfiction with virgil in it lol /hj probably his tastes are a lot more expansive than just emo though. like you can tell that emo is kind of where he started out from, but he’s branched out a ton since his teenage years and he likes a bunch of different genres now.

logan i think likes anything that he can use as an audio stim. stuff with big loud strong rhythmic noises. technically i have not officially made him autistic in this fic but like. probably he is lol. im dragging my feet on talking about it in the fic a little bc,,, i feel like if random people in the fic’s universe find out he is autistic, they are definitely Super fast to draw incorrect connections between his supergenius power and the savant stereotype. which is gross and which logan haaaaates so much. i vaguely have a scene in my head of him like getting really annoyed by some ableist reporter talking to him on live tv and snapping that “actually i have only been a supergenius for 2/3 of my life. i have been autistic my entire life” but also like. ughhh i don’t want to put him through that. so im on the fence about talking about it in the fic or not. but yeah i think he really really likes audio stimming and is hyposensitive to audio in general (which also is part of why he likes to process his thoughts by speaking them aloud) so he likes music with lots of Noise in it.

patton mostly listens to Music Aimed At Little Kids. like disney soundtracks etc. plus anything child-appropriate that logan listens to, bc again, logan does not treat children that differently based on their being children and sees no reason to play entirely different music than normal when patton is around.

i don’t know what janus likes to listen to but i know it is very different from the like disney soundtracks and kidz bop or whatever that patton listens to (and that janus does also listen to because patton listens to it lol) (literally nobody is making them do this but they do it anyway and then complain about it a lot) (but only when patton is not around bc they don’t want to make him think they’re upset at him about it <3). possibly he is kind of snobby about his music taste? but like in a very oh-this-person-is-definitely-in-her-mid-20s way if that makes any sense (im not sure if it does). i have the least idea of what janus’s preferred music is tbh.

remus’s music taste,, again i don’t know what it is but i do know that you can Very Clearly tell that Oh This Man Is Extremely Mentally Ill from looking at what he chooses to listen to.

roman i think has honestly mostly not been allowed to listen to music basically at all up until now. like if his parents felt like listening to music, then he would have to listen to that, but he wasn’t ever really allowed to choose music or have any way to listen to it on his own. his experience with music has been whatever other people choose to play around him and that’s about it.

yeah!! those are the vibes!! i don’t really have a ton of specific genres or artists to name im very sorry 😭 but i am super open to hearing ideas for those if anyone has any!!

#peregrin said a thing #peregrin answers #if you're going my way i'll go with you #ghasper tag!!#iygmw lore

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bbugyu · 3 years

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hii i know this is SUPER random but can u talk about seungcheol a bit.....? like i just LOVE the way u talk abou the members..... it can be anything.... like idk i just feel happy in some type of way.....? im so sorry that this is weird and confuse 🥺😪

OFC I CAN TALK ABOUT SEUNGCHEOL OMG i barely ever talk about him (bc i have . brainrot abt other members) but seriously i think seungcheol is one of the sweetest loveliest people in the world so . i’ll just do a lil personality analysis about him!

so cheol is an infp, which is the same as dk! i really truly believe infps are natural born leaders because of how devoted and sensitive to other ppl they are - cheol is a leader by example!!! he works the hardest and encourages others and when others see how much he cares and how loyal he is they want to do the same. the reason u dont see seokmin and cheol as similar personalities is completely from their zodiac sign i think (aquarius vs leo), so lets talk about how being a leo effects cheol's mbti!!!

leos are by nature a lil attention driven, but this isn't a bad thing!!! you can tell by the way cheol talks to carats that he can be super confident, always teasing and telling them to confirm how much they love him, but when someone gives him genuine praise out of pocket he gets SUPER SHYYY like he goes 😳 and then lAUGHS all embarrassed he is SOOO CUTE!!! like, he WANTS attention and praise, but hes still a fucking infp (chronic inferiority complex) so he doesnt??? think he deserves it???? which only makes him work HARDER because he desperately WANTS to believe he’s deserving but he doesnt!!! think he is! BUT HE IS HE IS SO DESERVING I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

infps naturally are super interested in the thoughts and feelings of others, which means he’s super good at listening. he genuinely hears others complaints and struggles and comiserates and comforts i really beliege seungcheol would be like the best big brother ever because he just really LOVES and he would lay down his life if it meant that you wouldn’t have to be hurt anymore. he’s also really good at letting others take the stage and be the center of attention for a while. when he’s confident, he’s SUPER CONFIDENT, but when he’s nervous, you can really tell. he speaks so well though!!! super diplomatic and so well thought out. sometimes he gets flustered and doesn’t know what to say (ex. every ment and every concert SDFHGSDH), but he uses that to alleviate some of the tension!!! like he’ll be like “idk what im saying rn” and laugh and all the other members laugh with him and encourage him and help him finish his thought AAHGFDSHFD god i love him

i also think cheol gets offended really easily, but the people around him have gotten really used to the way he takes things and have adjusted the way they speak to him to accommodate? this isn’t a bad thing! i think because he never seriously gets mad (it’s always joking yelling) it’s made others become more sensitive to the way others react to what they say, and in turn has made them better! yet another reason seungcheol is the best leader ever

i kinda hate talking about this because i hate projecting my mental illness onto real people but i feel its kinda important so... feel free to stop here!

tw // anxiety (but with a happy ending?)

he internalizes a lot of his struggle (good ol introverted feelers!) and i think that scares him a lot sometimes, but you can tell that in just the last year that he’s learned to lean on his friends a little more. i love him so much i really hope he’s doing okay 😭 i don’t want to talk to much about mental illness because that’s a super not cool move but as someone who was diagnosed with gad when i was 11, watching older videos of him is like almost triggering because i recognize so many of my own defense mechanisms in the way he reacts to criticism and it HURTS. i really TRULY TRULY believe he’s gotten better, though, and so much of that has to do with the bond svt has and how they’ve been able to encourage him and talk to him. you see a lot of the anxiety celebrities have stemming from not being able to relate to anyone and feeling like you can’t complain because there’s so many incredible things about the job, but cheol has 12 brothers that know exactly what he’s going through. i can’t imagine how comforting that must be 😭

#ask #anon #cheollie #I LOVE HIM #svt hc

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alittleemo · 3 years

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thanks for tagging me gab @12monthoctober and eden @pianoandcookiedoughlover and faith @shades-of-greens <3 (i did not realize how many times i did not respond to this dfjhgjlkds you are all darlings <3)

1. why did u choose ur url?

i was tired at lunch one day and figured, ok im short, im also vaguely emo but not committed enough to go full out, so bam im both a little emo (as in noncommittal) and a little emo (as in short) <3

2. any sideblogs?

technically i have one now but i mostly have it to save the url, if i ever actually decide to start streaming ill prob make a blog specifically for that!! (though i think I’d use my alittleemo handle for it anyway so who knows then)

3. how long have u been on tumblr?

a little over a year now!! i think i made this blog in february of 2019 but started using it march/april of last year

4. do u have a queue tag?

i still do not know how to use the queue function dfjkhgkldjsjdflkh

5. why did u start your blog in the first place?

nearly all of my Pinterest feed was tumblr memes anyway so i figured why not go to the source of it all /hj. also i wanted to find more people into aftg and skam

6. why did u choose ur icon/pfp?

matching pfp with gab’s dsmp side blog!!! ae asked me if i wanted to match and i couldn’t pass up the opportunity :D (plus clingy duo / tommyinnit supremacy) i think it’s pretty fitting honestly <3

7. why did u choose ur header?

i love taking shitty pictures of jellyfish and i thought this one ended up looking really cool

8. how many mutuals do u have?

13!! i have immense fondness for each of you <3

9. how many followers do u have?

39 babey!!!

10. how many people do u follow?

97 currently !!

11. have u ever made a shitpost?

what is anything i post if not complaining or making dumbass posts (affectionate)

12. how often do u use tumblr each day?

yikes. I mean like i am def here several times per day (its gonna be more now too now that its summer) but i feel like i sort of j scroll through my dash and only rb a few things compared to how much i actually see yk

13. did u ever fight/argue w another blog? who won?

no i hate confrontation but i also would rather j block someone trying to start smth w me

14. how do u feel about "u need to reblog these" posts?

going to steal celia and gab’s response bc yall are more coherent than me - sometimes it's too mentally draining to read abt terrible shit all the time. calm down. not everyone needs to read everything. i don't need ur guilt-trip rn. u can get across that a post is imp. w/o that statement. idk. sometimes i ignore them out of spite. i know that i rb a decent number of activism posts but i dont like those ones as much bc the guilt tripping isn’t the way to go

15. do u like tag games?

yes if u ever tag me j know i would instantly deliver cookies to ur house if i could <3 i do however often forget to respond to them until later (hi this tag is from over a week ago dfjkhgljdksh)

16. do u like ask games?

yes i love them immensely i j often again forget to actually finish them whoops

17. which of ur mutuals do u think is tumblr famous?

ik that i have a lot of relatively famous mutuals-in-law, but as for my own mutuals i’d say @lunawedlers and @lesbeanadiamcnll, i feel like yall have such good vibes in that respect <3

18. do u have a crush on a mutual?

like gab said, yes but platonically <3

tagging @coffee-and-moo, @alinastarkovaz, @lesbeanadiamcnll, @lunawedlers and any other mutuals who’d like to do so!!! (as always feel free to ignore as well <3)

#asks #tags #lee’s bullshit #i love to talk abt myself dkjhfgljkdsk this was so fun <3 #thank you for the tag gab i hope you’re doing well!!!!!#also thank u for the tag as well eden!!!!#i didnt realize at first u had both tagged me in it but thank u both ily <3

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my-traumacore-sideblog · 3 years

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hey so this is something that i've noticed on witchtock [witch side of tiktok] but i decided 2 vent abt it here, im so sick of this idea that some ppl on witchtok r spreading that if u think/say stuff like "y does bad stuff keep happening 2 me?" then it's somehow manifesting more bad stuff, that's not true and it's just giving more anxiety 2 ppl who do experience feelings like this, as a witch myself who uses witchcraft 2 help me cope w/ my mental illnesses it rly sucks how so much of witchtok seems 2 b just ppl making the online community of witches an unsafe place 4 nd and mentally ill ppl [im both], no thinking "y does bad stuff keep happening 2 me" isn't gonna make more bad stuff happen, that's not how manifesting works, u hav 2 do manifesting very intentionally and spreading the lie that u can isn't going 2 make ppl stop thinking those things or help them b more positive, it's just going 2 make them hav a panic attack next time they do hav those thoughts, it sucks that a craft that was built by disabled ppl now has an online space that is being made unfriendly 4 us and is often 1 of the main places ppl get their info abt the craft from now, i hate not wanting 2 open up witchtok not 4 the obvious reason of it being better 2 get info from a more reliable source but 4 the reason that witchtok is so full of rampant ableism and even when it's not blatant it's so unfriendly 2 nd and mentally ill ppl 2 the point where i will sometimes hav panic attacks where i hav 2 ask my deities [im also pagan] if i accidently did something negative w/ magic when obvs i didn't and i hav 2 b reminded that u can't accidently do magic bc it's abt intent this idea that complaining abt bad stuff happening 2 u is also just 1 step away from blaming minority groups 4 our own oppression and silencing us when we speak up and since it's tiktok i don't trust that that's not gonna happen just bc ppl should know better, not rly anything else 2 say it's just 4am and i needed 2 vent

#vent post #witchtok #ableism #tw ableism

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lookwhatilost · 4 years

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lmao Christ I found the peach post abt my first date w andrew and it’s such a doozy

why did I even keep talking to him after this

this is long as fuck and also super nsfw but my fucking GODDD is it a ride

okay so I met andrew when he was bartending at social still a while back. hes p much worked in every bar in downtown Bethlehem – like, the tapas bar where I used to go w ian all the time, “nothing good ever happens at” rippers, he used to barback alongside w jus at steelgaarden, slung margaritas at urbano, and plied me w spiked shamrock shakes at mccarthys – so we’ve run into one another multiple times as he’s bounced around the north side. I made a joke once abt how he spawns in every bar and he thought it was funny

so he randomly asks me on a date over messenger and i accept. like, I’m still in contact w Justin but whatever undiagnosed mental illness he has is becoming more apparent and distressing w each passing day and it’s becoming more obvious that he intends to do nothing abt it. so I’m not rly sure abt what to do w that and those feelings and everything but it’s definitely time to start exploring other avenues even if it’s jst for the sake of palette cleansing.

he wants to go see this all female performative of waiting for godot at the community college and I think that sounds cool. it’s creative, it’s different, we can go out after it. I get home a little early and tell him we can hang out my place for a little beforehand and get the “getting to know u better” awkward talk out of the way before we go over. and he’s obviously very nervous but he’s sweet, yknow

we go over to the community college and the play is weird and long. the intermission is at 9 and we leave during that bc we dnt wanna be stuck there until almost midnight. so we go to TR (while tommy is working bc I’m Bitch) and chat and drink and we’re hitting it off very well. he’s cool! he’s smart! he’s funny! he’s weird as hell but in a good way! it’s not jus lvl Fireworks but I’m happy and I’m distracted. We hop to stoke and stick around until last call and grab a 6 pack to take back to my apartment

I literally never do shit like this but I have no problem w him coming over there and sleeping over bc, hey, I’m Definitely Going To Have A Second Date W Him. it rly seemed like this could’ve gone somewhere. so I thought

and what follows is nsfw bc I cant stress enough that this is basically my version of cat person

like listen. intimacy w justin was very hit or miss in terms of him being too rough or something awkward happening outside of that. and it was disappointing sometimes but it was something I could overlook bc it was someone I was fucking over the moon for. and those awkward moments were basically my benchmark for what bad sex looked like

I dnt think ive ever been more incorrect abt anything in my life

this guy is jst. the absolute worst. like first of all I take his shirt off and he has fucking dermal piercings on his hips and I’m immediately rly turned off by it but it’s like. ok. if I can overlook the stupid “please kill me” bullseye on justins chest I can overlook this. but he’s jst. so. so. LOUD. he won’t stop moaning like some girl in a porno. and dirty talk. so much. i HATE that shit so much it’s so stupid. like SHUT UP. i wanted to get a scarf out of my closet and gag him not even bc I was trying to be kinky or whatever like I jst wanted the fucking NOISE to end

he won’t stop yanking at my hair which i also hate. and he’s saying weird shit abt how he wants me to dominate him (literally went into my nightstand, took out my vibrator and told me to use it on him and I was like BITCH NO THIS IS SO WEIRD) and jst. I’m in this situation and actively hating every minute of this but I feel like it’s gone too far for me to back out.

but this jst keeps going. for literal hours and I’m so fucking tired at this point but he’s jst. not finishing or anything. i dnt even know how. so I’m basically jst going along w it waiting for it to fucking end and in the middle of this shitshow he blurts out “i love you” which was such a... bad moment for obvious rzns but that’s the only time someone has ever said that to me out loud. and I was like “shhh dnt say that” and he repeated it and jst kept repeating it throughout the hellish course of the night. and I’m jst sitting here wondering how this went from amazing date to the honest to god worst mistake of my life. thinking abt why I’m so concerned w being nice to this guy and not hurting his feelings when I’m jst in literal hell

it’s finally fucking over and I fall asleep. my alarm wakes me up at 7:30 bc I have to work but he’s not in my bed anymore and I hear someone fussing in the kitchen & what I think is a cork popping but I dnt rly know. and he comes back into my room and says that he went to do me a favor and cleaned my kitchen up a little. but the place is messier than it was last night which is?¿

at this point evan comes out of his bedroom and complains to us abt the horrible day he had at work and Andrew says to him “you sound like you could use a drink!” But ev recoils bc it’s so early and he asks Andrew if he’s drunk & leaves to run errands. his reaction was a nervous “no” but he mixes something anyway and he’s like “this is for you babe” and it’s like. disgusting. it’s gin, razzmatazz, triple sec, rumchata, and coconut water. stronger than rocket fuel and not at all pleasant tasting. I reject the nasty cocktail and he slams it down. I tell him I have to work and he needs to leave. But he’s like “I wanna keep hanging out!” And he will jst. Not leave.

he makes another drink for himself and I see the gin is empty which is weird bc it was half full? and then it clicked that he was probably in my kitchen drinking all my gin while I was asleep. and it’s Hendricks. It’s expensive as hell and it’s also almost 90 proof. so he’s wasted to the point of delirium and I have to call into work to babysit him until he’s sober enough to go home

so I’m waiting for him to sober up and he keeps trying to initiate more sex and I keep rebuffing it and he takes his pants off anyway and jst. passes out w his entire naked ass out on the couch

so im jst sitting there for a little while questioning my life choices when ev comes back around 2:45 and is like. what in the fuck is going on and I tell him that Andrew decided to get morning drunk and things got weird. and he’s like “there is a half naked man on the couch and I’m going to do something abt it if you’re not” so ev yells “are your pants off?” and wakes him up and i tell him that I need to start my day and it’s probably time for him to go. he refuses, say he wants to hand out more. evan gets our swifter out of the closet and starts jabbing him w it, saying “GET OUT” so he finally does

he came over at 5. he left at 3 the nxt afternoon. he left his underwear on my coffee table and his flannel in my room (which I am stealing, not the underwear tho) and the second he left ev sprayed our couch down w Lysol and was jst losing his shit laughing at me

but all and all. turns out you can have a tinder horror story without tinder as well! who’d have known!

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limenade-archive · 6 years

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Pt3

#opinion #other side #like ok this time i didnt agree on going out w them tgey basically told me hes coming at 8 2morro lmao but its bc i have 2 move out of dorm #but i have panic attacks jst by thinking abt it so ive been procrastinating 4 like 3 months now or smth so they did this 2 end this shit #at least thts wht i think but this is literally thw worst thing u can do 2 me . telling me shit b4 i cld have the time 2 mentally prepare #myself so ill b surprised if i wont feel like throwing up or fainting esp when i enter rhe beulding i luetarlly feel it how heavy the air #will b in tgere . anyways so ye ill talk 2 mom again n try 2 convince her tht she shld talk 2 dad but if she tells him i told her 2 talk 2 #him bc i cant take him complaining there will b jst another thibg 4 him 2 get pissed of n the last time when the therapist told him n also #everybidy else 2 stop doing rhus shit where they made me their emotional garbage bin he got his feelings hurt bc he wasbt doinf tht ... sure #also when dads mom tried 2 lecture every1 else how the☠#they shldnt do Tht including tellung me thwir abt the aka either my dads or moms side #as if she dodnt do tht herself as well in this fanily we lovw hypocrates did u kno tht #im over these fakes tbh like i stopped caring abt these things but i cant avoud every part of it n im getting genujnely pissed of #anyways i think thts all 4 2day bye folks drink ur water n *youtuber voice* dont forget 2 like n subscribe see u next time

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thankyoumskobayashi · 5 years

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happy 10th anniversary to the day my dad found my cats on the side of the road

i have thought alot of times abt what id do if i met the person who left them there. probably punch that person for being a dumb jerk. but if it werent for them leaving blossom on the side of the road, my depression could easily have taken a turn for the worst during middle/high school. my floof merr has been my reason for living, even moreso than spite. now im at a place where im enjoying life a little and learning sorta how to be an adult. i'd probably thank whoever dropped my cats off but also punch them for being a jerk.

anyways, my point is that if you don't believe in yourself, or you hate your life, find something to live for. Anything, no matter how unimportant others may deem it. for me, my love for my cat and desire to make sure she's happy overrode my depressed thought. treatment was definitely a step in that, but if you can't find that find blogs abt coping with depression in everyday life and read as much as you can. after my diagnoses i read a lot from other people with depression anxiety and adhd. maybe this helps others too idk

rember too that change doesnt always happen right away either. we are constantly changing ourselves and reinventing ourselves, and it is exhausting to make the conscious choice, again and again, to be a better person. but it is a necessary one because otherwise society remains stagnant.

and stagnating things cause breakdowns and decay.

good luck in finding yourselves, and your companions throughout the journey of life. i may not be a psychologist but i can listen if you need someone to, and i can reblog that list of suicide hotlines bc your life is worth too much. im crying right now actually bc a kid in my hometown khs, probably due to not being believed over mental health issues. people "not believing in" mental illness gets me so fucking pissed off bc this shit matters! it's not little things that people complain abt, it's the small symptoms of a much larger, and much more malevolent whole which moves through the mind like a hurricant. it destroys so much of your functioning and leaves you struggling to swim in the productive direction against the current of a deeper and stronger force.

being ridiculously persistent, as adhd folks tend to be, is probably also another reason i'm here. i love my friends too much to ever let them suffer like that, so i'd hold on to the point of walking through hell and back. in that way i found the hyperfocus i wield like a double edged sword and honed the loyalty i have always developed. i love my old friends, and i love my new friends, and i'm just so goddamn happy to be having friends on this planet. i dont need a romance, because i love myself enough to not need one for validation. i think that having a relationship when you are not really into someone else as much as they are into you would feel very weird. kinda like early marina & the diamonds being in a relationship. i don't know.

why the hell am i telling you all this? because it is a stream of conscious and i am allowing you unfiltered access to my inner thoughts because these are the only thoughts i have had or will ever have at this moment at this time. and because people in the future may look back on them to see what is relevant to history. and in my case i will say that i hate donald trump, i had a great dream last night that he died of a heart attack, and they were debating whather to put his secondary prez as the next in line bc they expected p*nce to do such a horrible job too.

we need to help the environment and in order to do that we need to limit the pollution companies can create. everywhere. all across the globe. it would take huge efforts. the leaders would probably be assassinated anonymously by the ceos of huge megacorps which steal billions from the workers. we need to create huge amts of inertia, so how do we do that??? education.

we need to teach abt environmentalism. we need to teach it like it is a basic tenet of humanity to care about it, at levels that challenge & excite kids instead of bore them. this is my poetics and i guess im spelling it out now that im tipsy bc i havewords flowing from my mind. i have to go get my charger hold on. its an external battery pack that my overly controlling mother had me put in her purse this mornig. the song "hotline, hotline.... calling on the hotline to your love" has been stuck in my head for a lot of the day today and i hate it. today i was the magic carpet operator it was really cold. i hate the magic carpet for being so cold but there was a squad of 5 kids today who got a big kick out of riding the magic carpet to the top, then taking the stairs back down again. it wasnt malicious or anything it was fun and gave me smth to do other than stand coldly thinking abt how cold i was.

the woodstove hoever is very warm and i am tired and need to use the bathroom before i bring my cat upstairs to watch guardian & possibly even kamen rider kuuga before falling asleep. oh and dont forget to brush teeth before u pass out too. good night everyone. this is who i have found myself to be now. so, who are you?

#suicide tw #depression tw #personal writing #encouragement #this house has a Poetics #this house being me

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing.

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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bristlepaws · 6 years

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HHRHHGH mumbled annoyances abt the bcb discord below the cut

idk if i should put this in the tag or not............idk, people will find it maybe, if they dont that may be for the best LOL

im gonna pull the constructive part out of the complaining so if all ur looking for is that, here:

- I’d like there to be more work done to keep people on-topic in the channels - Should really be separate channels for BCB-specific art and general art - Having a channel or a set of channels that’re for Adults to talk about the comic would be great (obviously no nsfw talk, but more mature themes are able to be discussed like mental illness, sexual harassment / assault, abuse, etc)

the next chunk is just me complaining, skip to the last section if you just wanna see What I’d Do Differently

i finally left the bcb discord today because Jesus Christ there is literally NO channel where people don’t spam shit i dont care about

started out following Every BCB-related channel, that turned out to be way too cluttered so i muted everything but the two bcb discussions channels, the bulletin channel, and the art channel

but people FREQUENTLY go off-topic in the bcb discussion channels. and also are like, weirdly inflammatory about what they say? honestly it just seems like a lot of people in the discord are Really Young, which is fine, but i wish there was a channel for like. adults to discuss the comic. because i get young people having an interest in it and im All For That, but it often led to a lot of really immature shit happening? and maybe the perpetrators of that weren’t young, maybe they were just immature

but like there’d regularly be shit posted in the discussion chat (for theories! and opinions! about the comic! which sounds great! until u go into it!) that was like.... “i’d love to just punch lucy” “mike can die in a fire” “david is the worst” etc. like .. i like, hearing people’s opinions, but, jesus? can we not like. talk about our opinions on different characters without resorting to That

plus people went off topic ssssooooo frequently, you’d start off in one channel talking about mike/lucy and all their problems and then it’d somehow switch to one person telling everyone else they were idiots for not seeing that lucy is garbage and THEN it’d switch to some random topic.

even in The Place For Art people went off topic a LOT (one time i contributed to the conversation and that was the only time i saw anyone get called out for posting in the wrong channel, ironically, dkjgnfkjgndf MY BAD THO FOR ENCOURAGING IT)

not to mention people spam the “show me old art” command in the art room and like..... Blease. please go do that in the room that’s Specifically For Bot Commands

also i’d really like to see an art room for General Art and a room for BCB-specific art. im only there for the bcb art. specifically for the NEW bcb art.

i guess my biggest frustration with it was just how often it Wasn’t about bcb, even tho bcb was all i was there for? idk it wouldve been nice to have discussions with people, but the few discussions i got involved in got WAY out of hand really quickly (with people zooming off topic or guilt-tripping others or saying characters should die). better organization of channels would also be nice. idk.

back to semi-constructive:

if i made my own bcb discord server (which i wont, because that’d be rude to the creators who put a bunch of time / effort into making this one), here’s how i’d do it:

Area for general topics, not related to BCB. - General (where Whatever can be talked about) - General Art - Bot room (bot commands used) - Meme room - Music room (song recs, playlists, maybe videos) - Maybe a room for discussing / recommending other comics. - Maybe a room /specifically/ for venting in bc people seem to like doing that

Area for BCB specific topics. - General BCB (just talking about Whatever in relation to the comic, can even be shitposts/memes as long as they’re on-topic) - Page Update Room (nobody BUT the page updater can talk, that way people can have alerts to this on w/o getting clutter) - Discussion room (talking about the characters / the story, making sure to include in the rules that saying shit like “x character sucks” and “x character should die / get beat up” is not cool, as well as rules abt Being Nice To Vero) - BCB art room where candybooru posts are shared (as they’re uploaded) and people can share their bcb-specific art

Area for Real Adults (over 18 at least, maybe even pushing it to 21 & over) - General - BCB-specific discussion (can just talk about bcb in a place where There Aren’t Kids) - BCB-specific Extra Adult Discussion (talk specifically about mature topics like mental illness/etc)

and then i’d have mods that like regularly pushed people into the right channels or encourage everyone to keep each other in check.

idk i think that’s it...... if i think of anything else to add i’ll do that,,, later

i might like. ask oliver if i can make an adults-only BCB channel (specifically banning nsfw art/talk tho) that’s more for like... discussion and such that is More Mature. maybe. idk. i’m gonna have time once im Out Of College

and a final disclaimer: im not Against kids liking the comics, im just in a very different place from people younger than me in like... how i view the topics. in fact im in a Very Different Place from me 3 years ago wanting to talk about the comic. so if ur young and you like the comic that’s fine! it’s good! i just want to be able to Also talk abt it with my peers

oh and another final disclaimer: i know Oliver is doing his best w/ like.. running this discord & keeping up with everything, it seems like A Lot. fully no shade intended here, i just wanted to like air my personal grievances with the discord. & i understand that a lot of my frustration is due to.... the type of people that post the most in the discord. which is why i’d vote for a Mature Area (god i sound pretentious saying that, im so sorry).

#i should be studying but i got distracted #this got Long Sorry #also a lot of it is just me complaining & im aware that oliver and vero dont have like... time to do everything #and also that my desires for the discord are specific to me #so this isnt meant in any bad faith #just wanted to grumble about some parts of it #bcb ramblings #text #text wall

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angelblumes · 3 years

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God for real, I have no idea what to say to anything to anybody talking abt my mental health like honestly I do try to be the most honest with my therapist because I dont really talk to any1 else irl abt it but you think I know words for how I feel? no. I do feel like a goldfish. I forget everything I've ever felt when I walk into the building. Thanx 4 the good luck tho 😊❤ I also had a little moment rsd when I asked my dad something and he didn't take it seriously so I did cry, salads are really the worst thing to accidentally forget abt/ something bad happen to it😢 😐 😑 I dont even care if you talk abt hannibal, its fine! I understand! I feel like I complain abt bugs almost everytime, but 😑 I got paranoid because a flying big ass beetle was on the ceiling of my porch? And i was 👀 so I wasn't paying attention when another 1 got all up in my face. I stg it made me mad cuz wth why are bugs like that? I had some watermelon w/ brown sugar and white sugar 😌 also some taco bell 4 dinner. I did write inside of my little diary tho 😁 also im sure ur therapist didn't want to kill u 🤣 We are the same person 💗 I also therapize myself , but its just me being emotional/mentally ill and then me trying to talk myself into being logical abt it. Sometimes I feel like I dont be mentally ill and different and im normal, but once I'm around other ppl im like oh ! yea I got problems and everyone can clearly see that and 😬 I still gotta work on it. Not to say I look bad or anything, I just can't put on a normal ppl mask you know? OK good night this was also very long and rambly and all over but✌❤

UR THE BEST EVER. have i said that? its so true. the salad didnt even go bad!!!! i will eat the rest of it today hopefully! and dw i hate bugs like i totally get it😭😭 umm.. i dreamt abt captain america and the winter soldier HELP. we were like besties... idk the only thing i really remember is that they were both hilarious like the whole dream is just me laughing then stopping and then laughing again. there was other stuff but i forgot it obv. i watched a hannibal amv and the song was "take me to church" haha but it showed scenes from the last eps and i forgot i havent seen most of the last season.... like i dont think u mind but spoilers!!^__^ abigail dies and i stopped watching for like 6 months bc of that. i had to rewatch the ep too bc i didnt know exactly where i left off. which is good cuz i did miss a few important minutes at the end but i did break down and sob again. they took hannibal off netflix too so i had to watch it on effing HULU. i despise hulu. the ads are ridiculous im already paying y'all just give me the show! i brought that up bc umm... i cant believe i just QUIT season 3? its so good like i skipped around eps bc i rlly already know what happens but i will watch it all the ads r just impossible. anyway my friend just SCOLDED? ME? for eating a banana too slow????? my rsd barely like bothers me w her bc i just get pissed off like she does this stuff sometimes and it always is ridiculous. "we dont want to get gnats" by me taking a few minutes to eat a god damn banana?😐urgh. i had an awful panic attack bc my allergies are so bad i cant rlly breathe thru my nose right. n i was brushing my teeth and trying to breathe thru my mouth. n i couldn't. i have asthma btw so i was lile oh god this is some extreme asthma attack and im going to die. i did not die. i hate panic attacks like i nvr know its happening in the moment and it makes it worse. n normal ppl masks... SO RELATABLE! anyway um i dont feel like counting all whatever i said so i'll say one thing more. i brought up the hannibal here bc not bc of THAT amv but the one to hoodoo by muse😭 muse is.. big right? i really feel like i live under a rock and i've never been outside. i don't know how i'm supposed to know this stuff. anyway oh em gee. its soooo good. the video. i mean the song is too. i hate amvs where they're like good but the music sucks. even if its good music if it just doesn't vibe then it sucks. anyway idk it totally wrecked me after like seeing abigail die AGAIN and then will saying "i forgive you" and then hannibal walking away and then will n hannibal kill whatshisface together. i might just try to pirate hannibal only bc of hulu's 1-2 minute long adds every 10 minutes. i dont have that kind of patience. i'm always long and rambly do not worry❤️💗

#5 daily things #asks #like the dramatics of the song fit so well w the show. im obsessed.#pissed off at myself for stopping hannibal but literally like even watching it last night the abigail scene i was sooo upset #like they trick us into thinking she's ok🙁... not cool #ok ok im done

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teachers-are-nerds · 6 years

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why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

#blah blah blah #negative #suicide tw #i dont want to die but i want my brain to shut up #self harm tw #ed tw

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