#at this point i am just So Dissociated

[friendofthecrows]

The problem: Having a mental breakdown/BAD intrusive thoughts/feeling suicidal BUT I have an assignment I need to get done.

These two things are probably unrelated, but the first is making it nearly impossible to do the second. I desperately want help but have no idea who to ask or how anyone could even help.

Please do not DM me offering to talk. I usually really appreciate it when people do that, but I feel like I have been taking more than I am giving and I can't let any of you help that way right now. If you try, I will not respond.

Advice on what the hell I even do in this situation in the notes is fine, however. I feel like I make the wrong decisions every time a conflict between my mental health and real-world responsibilities comes up, which is a recurring theme due to my being Very Mentally Ill. I am often having some sort of crisis. This makes it difficult to do things reliably, but I Need To. You cannot challenge the idea that I need to get things done and be functional. I understand it's harmful to tie your worth to productivity, but my brain is going But Not For ME, I cannot let myself be useless. (evil bad harmful thoughts. do not think these thoughts.)

#tw suicide #tw sui mention #god this is so selfish #this is not a good thing to post publicly #i know #if i'm a decent person i'll delete this as soon as it's posted #making bad decisions tonight ig #at this point i am just So Dissociated #my partner ended up talking me down yesterday and i was genuinely feeling better #but not anymore! #was having fun this morning it just started Going Downhill at like noon #and now i'm already feeling like this and i don't know why #god this is so problematic i can just feel it #ppl are going to hate me for this

[thenightsystem]

The “average male alter in an AFAB body experiences 30 gender dysphorias a day” factoid is actually just a statistical error. The average male alter experiences 0 gender dysphorias a day. Gender Dysphoria Georg who lives in a cave, and eats 1,000,000 gender dysphorias a day, is an outlier and shouldn’t be counted.

-host

#Shout out to our dysphoria holder #I love you and im so sorry about the amount of dysphoria you hold #I would just like to point out that this is a joke #And that yes i know thats not how holders work and people still experience dysphoria even with a dysphoria holder #This post is for comedy not facts #Im well aware that we still feel dysphoria given that i am a male alter in an AFAB body #did jokes #did memes #spiders georg #did osdd #osdd system #osdd #did system #osddid #osdd alter #sysblr #system things #system stuff #dissociative system

[sophiethewitch1]

UwU any spoilers for the next chapter,,

I have meant to do this multiple times but keep forgetting so here's an extra long snippet in apology! It's basically the entire start of the next chapter ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Damn. Your indulgent TV stalking of the Wayne’s really doesn’t hit the same once you technically knew them. And you were hiding inside one of their bedrooms, inside one of their clothes, using their TV subscription. It just didn’t feel right. Morally, of course, but that wasn’t what you were talking about. No, you were just pissy your favourite passtime was basically ruined. You shovel another spoonful of cookie dough ice cream into your mouth, glaring through tired eyes at the screen.

There’s an up close shot of Dick Grayson’s abs. The presenter ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ over his physical form, and you have to agree. You wish you had abs like that. Unfortunately you did respond to most unwanted experiences with stress eating. As always with these celebrity figures, you can’t really tell if you want to be Dick or be with Dick. Your butt is nowhere near the level his is at.

While you hadn’t really set out today looking for shirtless pictures of the Waynes, it wasn’t like you were going to say no to them. So, when the gossip channel had switched from the reactions of the Waynes to last night’s fiasco to… this… you’d just kept watching.

You wonder if you should stop doing this. It’s definitely kind of creepy, and now you’d technically once been his… step sister. What a mind fuck. You’ve been crushing on these dudes for a while, and now they were your ex-step siblings. This was like the start of a bad porno, but you knew you were not that lucky. And it wasn’t like you were going to start thinking of him as a brother any time soon. You hadn’t even met the guy. No, he was still firmly in the ‘celebrity crush’ section of your mind. Pretty and untouchable. The way things are supposed to be.

Which was also bad because you would probably have to meet and interact with him at some point. Probably in the near future. God knows you’d absolutely humiliated yourself in front of the fucking Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne,. Twice, in fact. You didn’t even want to think about the display you’d shown for Bruce Wayne or Damian Wayne.

You didn’t really know what to do with your slightly obsessive crushes. And you could see it definitely being a problem in the near future.

…You decide that what you do in your private time is absolutely nobody but yours business, and keep watching. It’s a mix of bitter spite and geniune mental breakdown levels of desperation that leads you to that decision. You feel like you’re a child with their toy being taken away, and it’s making you mad. And sad too. Even if you shouldn’t do this anymore, you still wanted to keep the habit. You’d mentioned before your creature comforts were one of the few things that kept you going. And while you were mostly very good at not being the jealous, heinous creature you really are, you knew you wouldn’t be giving this up.

They’d have to tear your gossip channels from your cold dead palms. You weren’t giving them up, not without a fight at least. Unfortunately for you, the universe seemed determined to wrestle away literally everything you loved.

Guilt’s for tomorrow. Today is for ice cream and purposefully ignoring everything. Speaking of which, you can not remember the last time you had a good Ben & Jerry’s. They were so expensive these days, as all groceries were. You simply couldn’t afford it. The Waynes, of course, had multiple tubs in multiple different options. Alfred had seemed delighted that you’d taken the ice cream, for which reasons you could not perceive.

Oh, yeah! His name was Alfred. Very butler-y. You’d remember it this time, he was a very nice man. And he called you ‘young miss’ which earned him points. He also didn’t seem to hate you on sight, or treat you like a two-headed freak, like some of the other people in this household. Not naming names. Yeah, fuck that noise, Damian Wayne obviously has issues and it’s much less attractive in real life.

The woman drones on, and your eyes flick to your phone. Yup, she’s still yapping. It’s not like you don’t appreciate Dick’s abs or anything, it’s just that you think she might’ve been talking about this one specific photo for over half an hour now. Lady should get a hobby. Wait, wait, this is her job. Maybe you should start a podcast where you rant about the Wayne’s excercise regimes. It seems to be quite a lucrative field.

You shriek when the door slams open, nearly tumbling backwards off the bed. Hands manage to grip the bedcovers before you tip over, not making a complete fool of yourself. As it goes, you lose your spoon to the carpet. Bits of cookie dough spread over the floor in a divine sacrifice. And you lose your sanity to the man standing in the doorway. To be fair, he looks just as confused as you feel.

You blink at the physically perfect form of Dick Grayson, and then turn your head to the TV to look at the other physically perfect form of Dick Grayson.

…You really wish you had a good explanation for this.

He mutters out your name, lips parted. Dick Grayson seems absolutely shocked to find you here. His eyes flick around the room, and eventually land on the TV. Said baby blues widen to the size of saucers when the reporter makes a really, really unneccesary comment.

“And in news that broke the hearts of both ladies and gentlemen everywhere in Bludhaven, Dick Grayson has announced he will be returning to Gotham to assist his family in this difficult time. My cousin in the Blud is probably crying right now. There’s no ass out there quite like his, and there’s no replacement for Bludhaven’s favourite young rich bachelor,” she winks at the camera, and then the shot of his tone stomach phases forward to take up the entire screen.

Well, there’s a lot to say about that. First of all, fuck. Second of all, shit. Third of all, she really couldn’t have said that part about Dick coming back to Gotham sooner? Per chance, before you’d found yourself in this situation?

You said you weren’t that lucky, you meant it.

“But still, ain’t that lucky for us Gothamites? I myself have spent a lot of time on Dick’s Tiktok and Instagram, and his thirst traps have been used in a lot of my personal-”

You snatch the remote from the sheets and pause it right there. The silence is tense.

#sophie speaks #sophie answers #series:www #www spoilers #i am. EMBARASSED #look i put a warning on my blog that id regularly forget things and i meant it #im sorry :/ #i really wish i could fix it but like i... can not #dissociative disorder + fibro fog = never getting any shit done #but also i think im on the rise again!! i feel motivated and want to write so I'm gonna get doing that #this chapter will probably be a bit shorter but I'm uncertain #just trying to get it out really #i promise i really havent given up on www I'm too invested at this point lmao #if i do not see these bitches fucking i will be upset

[spielzeugkaiser]

[MASTERPOST]

I did it, ahhh. This took me longer than I anticipated! But they deserve a break before things go down the drain again.

Prompts under the cut:

I had a wonderful ask about 'Jaskier fiercely trying to comfort Geralt right back.' and I wanted to include that bit. Jaskier really tries.

'How do other people see Geralt in this AU' really interesting thought! It highly depends, I think he is seen in a somewhat positive light by some of the staff, but not by all.

ROACH

Jaskier singing 'Toss a Coin' - with others near it would probably not the best thing for their cover, but if they are on their own... I don't think Jaskier feels like it, but back to the first point - he tries to make things a bit lighter.

also for everyone who asked for a break for those two - you are right!!

What also needs to be said: Geralt is the only person who can playfully display even some minor acts that could be interpreted as aggression (like shoving Jaskier on the last panel) - everyone else and this would be waaaaay different. I don't think either of them realised that yet. Last note: Thank you all for your lovely prompts!! It feels like a guilty pleasure sometimes but AHh, this is really my favourite AU to draw for.

#undercover at lettenhove #geraskier #jaskier #geralt of rivia #roach the horse #abuse tw #at this point they are both mentally at a very dark place but they still try to care for each other #I think that's why Jaskier knows he won't be able to talk Geralt out of doing a job for hubby even if they suspect it will end shitty #and Geralt functions on protection mode and caregiving alone #also a thing that keeps popping up: Jaskier does dissociate from time to time; mixed with him playing a role 24/7 it starts to erode #his sense of self and identity #but he KNOWS who he is #he just gets scared sometimes #and Geralt knows this #honestly so angsty but this is still my favourite AU I'm sorry #if hurt/comfort has 1000 fans I'm one of them - if h/c has 10 fans I am one of them - if h/c has ONE FAN I'M-

[fredthedemonpartner]

Having dissociation be your main coping mechanism for your entire childhood and knowing that you’ve had many traumatic experiences feels like your memory is a bookshelf that should be full. Each memory is supposed to be a book and your shelves should be full, but at some point you took out every book with the letter Q in the title. But all the books still stand straight despite the gaps and on a good day you can convince yourself that enough are there for it to be fine, everyone has books that get lost or damaged or never make it on the shelf to begin with, until you talk to someone and they say something that reminds of a book you know you had but when you go to pick it off the shelf there’s a gap where it should go. But you know the title didn’t have a Q so why isn’t it there, then you realize that as a kid you couldn’t really tell the difference between Q and O. And looking at the shelf suddenly it’s a lot more bare than you realized, too much to be explained away by your general untidiness and leaving books stacked to the side out of order, at least you can still find those ones if you remember they’re there. You can see the shape and size of the missing books and sometimes you can even guess what they contained based on the bits of titles or authors you vaguely remember, but the poor copies you try to make stand out worse than the original gaps. They’re like folders with what little information you can remember that are far too wide and thin to fit well on the shelf, leaning and sticking out past the spines around them. And your fingers catch on them as you run them along the spines of the books, interrupting and frustrating your browsing occasionally even giving you paper cuts. And now you find yourself shelving new books on the most recent shelf, holding a book with Q in the title, stuck between the urge to get rid of it asap and the fear of losing it forever that makes you want to sit down and read it over and over, annotating the pages and writing a whole separate copy just in case because you’d rather have a thousand paper cuts than look at another shelf with more empty spaces than occupied ones.

#in this example of course Q represents traumatic or upsetting memories #O being the ones that could’ve been happy or neutral but too close in time or feeling to something traumatic #ending up swept away as well by the numbness #this is just my experience #especially now that I’m in therapy and trying to figure out where behaviors and triggers come from oftentimes using context clues or guesses #dissociative amnesia #dissociation #I haven’t been diagnosed with any dissociative disorder at this point so I’m not going to claim any of them #but I am autistic and wasn’t accommodated until I actively chose to start doing it for myself at 17 #which means i probably wouldn’t have survived without dissociating near constantly #so ofc nearly every trauma got tossed onto the pile of memories and sensations I was already getting rid of

[astral-catastrophe]

I hate how this girl said I was her best friend.

Her best fucking friend in the whole fucking world.

Then the next I know. My simple question about her coming to a thing after class turned into an hours long argument over Snapchat because she was too much of a coward to say it in person. Or over text. A phone call. Snapchat. A place where her messages would be gone the second I saw them.

Then the way she switched between “you did nothing wrong” and. The “you did everything wrong”.

Then the. “Okay maybe I should have done a b and c.” But the phrasing and her perfectly posed self was a grab for me to immediately assure her she’s fine and did nothing wrong. I’ve seen her do it to others and explain it to me.

So I answered with a simple. “Yea. You should have.”

And so I stopped reaching out. It was always me who would reach out in the first place. So seeing that she won’t do the same and is clearly fine with her entire damned “friend group” angry with her over how she treated me? Everyone I showed her messages too said that no, I wasn’t crazy for seeing manipulation in her words. Because I was being actively manipulated through her sympathy pulls.

So. I was her best friend. But now that I told her how I felt about the crap she’s pulled, that’s five years down the drain.

Five years. Five whole years??

I meant so little to her that she would rather hang out with exclusively her boyfriend and not her actual friends, just because I’m me.

Just because I am who I am. Just because I decided I wouldn’t stand for any shit from anyone.

All because I asked if she was coming to something after school.

I hate the whole victim mentality stuff. Like. I can see. Did I say things I should not have? Oh probably, but did I say it in defense? Did I say it because I’ve been trying to live by my brutal honesty? Did I say it because I was tired of being treated like that? Did I say it because I’ve had too many awful friends?

Did I say all that because I hadn’t talked to someone who claimed to be my best friend in over a month because she wouldn’t make efforts to meet me halfway?

I spoke from a position of someone who wanted their friend back and only tried to defend themself.

Should I have told her that it’s upsetting that she never makes the effort to be around any of us anymore? I’m not sure.

But she shouldn’t have blown up on me for a simple question. She created a problem, singled herself out, then took out all her issues on me. We were best friends, as you claimed. So fucking explain why I haven’t properly seen or talked to you since the beginning of November, which was three ish weeks before this all went to hell. If we were best friends, you wouldn’t have abandoned me for a boy you’ve known for nine months now.

Nine months, verses five years. She wanted me as her maid of honor to her wedding with this guy. She wanted me to help wedding plan.

We’re still kids. I refuse to take part in that.

Especially since the last time I saw her it was in the hallway between classes. She excitedly came up to me, acting like nothing was wrong. My fight or flight kicked in and I booked it because the anxiety was so so high from an out of character moment.

But I hate myself for wondering if I want her back. I hate myself because no matter what I said the outcome would have been the same. Because no matter what I’ll do or could have done it’s always gonna be her boyfriend over me. I’m the second choice. The fallback.

Do I really want her back over the nights I’ve spent near hysterics. It’s almost five am and I’ve been up for hours anxiety ridden and thinking through so much.

Do I want her back after her manipulating me? Would I be able to look her in the eye without seeing the “I have an issue with you acting like I'm the bad person” and the “I know you do care. But I haven't heard a single fucking word until today” and the “And then you blowing up on me for not communicating. I stopped trying to communicate because when I do I barely get a response” ?

I communicated more to her than I did to anyone else. Anyone else. I dropped things I wanted to do to see her. I didn’t blow up. I only asked a simple question.

Am I horrible for asking a question, then defending myself when being accused of stuff that’s not true? Because oh man. I shouldn’t have said a word. Next time I’ll keep my silence because my words are too sharp and too true for people to handle.

#Thanks to the dissociation every time I look back on it I see it as like. An outsider almost. #Like there’s no way on earth that I lost the girl who called me her best friend like that. What happened to the girl I used to know. #The one who messed with my hair and helped me through anxiety attacks. The one who would tell me anything because she trusted me #And because she wanted my opinions and input. #It’s like. I am not a victim here and don’t want to make myself out to be one. #I made poor choices in responding so defensively. #But I didn’t deserve that. #If it happened to a friend of mine instead of me. Id rule the same. #It’s her fault. Because no matter who I put in my place. In my shoes. No matter who it is. #I’m still feeling angry for what she said. Even when I’ve derealized the situation to a point that it doesn’t feel like it happened to me. #So I can see how my irls are angry with her. While I’m just. Indifferent. Numb. And hating myself for it.

[pepprs]

feeling despair i don’t know how to put into words. im trying to figure out why im like this and how i got to be this way but i can’t even do it bc of the way i am and what im like. if that makes sense. like the problem prevents me from fixing the problem bc i can’t get to the root of it. despair despair despair

#purrs #delete later #basically i can’t internalize anything about myself. i can’t internalize that i am talented smart strong whatever and i can’t internalize #evidence that i matter and belong and am loved. i take in this evidence constsntly and it just evaporates. and then it’s like i have none of #it at all and im starving and shaking and dying and howling like a wretched little animal. and i live in this constant defaulstate of like.. #feeling worthless and alone and utterly empty and like everything in my life is a dream or something. and in feeling that way and being #quite literally incapable of having emotional object permanence.. i actually make that situation real for myself. i make myself alone and #wretched. i isolate myself and shut down and don’t let myself take up the space i can. and it’s just awful. it’s unfixabke. #i just suck it all dry. i deny myself to myself and to everyone else. and idk what made me like this bc i don’t think i always used to be #this way w depression and depersonalization or whatever the fuck dsm 6 type shit i have going on. but i can’t internalize anything about #myself and my life and have no desire / willpower to look back beyond a certain point and really analyze and probe to figure out what #happened to me to make me like this so i can heal the core wound. soim just constantly in wretched tortured panicking creature mode. awesome #this cry for help brought to you by: my sister guilt tripping me into doing her laundry + my brother showing me his beautiful music + #realizing that unlike redacted i have not documented every part of my life and have no access to early childhood artifacts that would reveal #anything about me and that it does n’t even matter / isn’t special anyway. i love being normal 😎🫶🏻‼️ #at least i haven’t been dissociating as badly about work stuff lately but. that’s definitely still a thing too so. what if my whole life is #just the wrong timeline i wasn’t supposed to be in and nothing is actually real. lawl 😳 #this is a ​really awesome time for my therapist to be going on a monthlong honeymoon btw 😍 she deserves it so much but omg im dying already

[lith-myathar]

.

#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb #micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life #and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school #that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare #a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children #of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues #there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid #you had no way to understand WHY #and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized #or were actively being abused #so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day #so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd #(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point) #so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and #raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff #i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate #and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization #for my age group #it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends #that was the perfect soup for adultification #i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess #it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it #but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life'' #and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten #i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years #and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself #for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality #the fear that still has a death grip on me #the courage required to just exist #it's *exhausting*

[beauregardlionett]

if i am reminded of anything during finals it is that i am not built for academia and yet...here i be

#don't ask me WHY i came back to school for a doctorate because at this point i couldn't tell you #i think i straight up just failed and dissociated my way through that neuro final #god speed to my grades or whatever #i am so tired bruvs i can't be here anymore #about

[orangerosebush]

In my opinion, Artemis and Angeline have very similar experiences of paranoia as a symptom of

And thus every single family vacation will have a like, medieval war general moment where you can watch them animatedly debate the merits and/or weak points of whatever barricade they've constructed in front of the hotel room door

#I jest but I HC that Artemis' paranoia somewhat genetically comes from his mother's side whereas his issues with dissociation and #reality assessment is more genetically on his father's side of the family #The twins occupy this weird space in the family where they were born after a lot of things exacerbating mental illness in the family were #less present than when Artemis was young due to the Fowl empire #like my personal version of this is watching my aunts' kids grow up in a house where they were diagnosed with autism and adhd really really #young bc their mothers work in early ed. and are really knowledgeable about how to apply that in their home so that they have the support #they need #and let me tell you watching young autistic relatives exist and interact w kids their age who are so much better #about including 'different' peers socially then when I was a kid? that is so fucking surreal #I am very much an 'autistic Artemis truther' and I know Fox has some posts about Tim being autistic too during an era of the Fowls where it #wouldn't have even been 'masking' to borrow a contemporary term so much as just learning Not to Act Fucking Weird ever and performing this #whenever there is someone else present #but to return to the point of this post Artemis and Angeline will see a 5-star resort with insane security and go 'what I'm hearing is that #when the sun sets we will be in the Purge' #Artemis' form of paranoia is fascinating because he experiences it in the 'struggles trusting people and can spiral and believe people are #out to get him and harm him when that is not realistically assessing a situation' but also has horrible risk assessment which is so realist #realistic lmao

[straightfacedstrangeness]

“I probably only feel these Special Interests so intensely and obsessively because I self-consciously repress myself from talking about em, if I was able to really talk about em I might lose steam and just stop caring” VS “if I was able to really talk about em I could easily become the most insufferable person you’ve ever met”

#‘LOL you talk about it on here all the time’ excuse you my posts on here are only about 10% of my daily internal monologue #consider yourselves lucky #wanna poke someone in the shoulder repeatedly til they watch a clip and I can point out all the cute little mannerisms and endearing traits #used to just thinking of myself as a quiet person with a loud brain but actually no. I want to be loud so bad #crackpotproblems #TMI maybe? #what no i’m not obsessing because i’m hyper stressed all the time and am desperately seeking endorphins/dissociation haha whatr u talkin ab

[starbuck]

statewide work conference destroyed my faith in humanity and then the bus ride home with my coworkers restored it. 💕💕

#literally spent the whole day half-dissociated and overstimulated and despondent #and then we ride back and literally the WHOLE BUS (kindly) bullies me into getting a smoothie when we stopped for gas #and i have some great convos about interpretation with my coworker #AND i have a super long and detailed conversation with the president of our friends group #about how i’m apparently a natural-born People-Influencing Person who should leverage those skills going forward #and how she’s working on a push to try to get better pay and job security for positions like mine and can use my help #in gathering testimonies and getting people organized #and like. !!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! #(the fact that i was twisted around like a pretzel to talk to her the entire time and felt MASSIVELY carsick afterwards is beside the point #it was literally just so good… i am full of love #i truly love and appreciate my coworkers so much it is UNREAL #i have to make cards for them or something… #they deserve the world and then some

[gently-decaying-flowers]

dissociated so hard i almost passed out!

(it hasn’t gone away)

#tw dissociation #don’t read tags if this will trigger you btw #but like #i am a person but i don’t feel like it #it’s like i’m spectating my own body #and you know what #so many things happen and things will keep happening over and over #what’s the point? #is any of this even real? #why am i still here when nothings real #and there’s probably nothing after death #it’s just over #black screen #no paradise #nothing #emptiness #it’s hardly different from how i’m living

[senxitive]

Does anyone want to explain to me why I can't feel anything

#i mean emotionally #i *literally* do not know what i am feeling to the point of thinking a similar concept to 'nobodys home' in my head and heart #i know i talk about dissociating a lot but i think that this is....depersonalization which feels entirely different and all together worse #i know thats a type of dissociating but its just so confusing and off putting #im trying to hang on thats why im doing my damndest to like research what is happening #and this is all i can come up with #i literally looked at myself in the mirror and felt like my face didnt look like what i think it looks like #looked non familiar in a way #and my eyes looked both wild and sad despite me talking about how im not feeling much #it was uncomfortable and scary #so im trying to do grounding exercises and to allow myself to know its OK that im not all here right now #and that this is temporary and theres nothing to be frightened of #it's a hard sell but i am trying #depersonalisation and derealisation #depersonalization #depersonalisation #insert question marks....if others struggle with this...can you share your experiences with me? as long as theyre not super scary because #i have been really frightened by these feelings lately so i dont wanna be overwhelmed into a panic attack where i really lose connection #yeah and i just am having trouble telling reality vs non reality if im being honest #like i cant....perceive #i cant tell what others emotions are #i can see their actions but i cant perceive what it means beyond that....to the point of thinking it is a ruse #and THATS what's giving me anxiety #or frightening me #i cant tell whats real in some fashion #delete later

[ozlices]

as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.

im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.

#mine #and it sucks bc tbh im at a point where i rly wish i could say 'fuck it' & just. not bother. #but i dont have a choice bc im on daily medications that i cant abruptly stop & Have to take to function #like i literally dont even know how to like. deal w processing the doctor my family has had for potentially decades just dropping me #outta nowhere. like damn i literally cant even trust the doctor literally my entire immediate family has seen for YEARS #to fucking give a shit abt me. #ive been through such an absurd amount of betrayals this year i literally feel like a broken shell of a person #im numbing. i really fucking am. what the fuck else am i sposed to do. #like... literally i feel so nauseous over this shit. #no warning. no head's up. just 'oh btw we're not treating [them] anymore.' #like ????????????????? #bruh this year has fucking brutalized my dissociation. i literally dont feel like a real person w feelings anymore. #bc ive just been treated like a piece of shit that's an inconvenience & a burden & worth more effort than i deserve to be granted. #it's so... just... idk. man. i dont even have it in me to be sad or hurt anymore #im just so fucking burnt out & exhausted. ive been wallowing in merciless agony since i had to move back in w my parents #i am genuinely BARELY surviving at this point & Still shit just Keeps Piling On. #i literally dont know what to do w myself anymore. im trying as hard as i fucking can but holy fucking shit. #i already have way less energy to spare than the average person bruh. it's ridiculous #im sick of being told it'll be ok. im sick of being told ppl feel sorry for me. #im sick of complaining. im sick of being miserable. im sick of feeling like this. #i just want to be done w all the hardships im so fucking exhausted i dont wanna be a person anymore man. #also like. v fucking taxing bc not every doctor can nor will prescribe my adhd meds. #so. like. that's also terrifying. nauseating to deal with. #i literally just want to give up bruh and not even in a suicidal way like i just am so sick of trying for nothing #i could do nothing at all and still be put through bullshit im over it all im so fucking over it. #never in my life has being told 'it'll be ok' felt more dismissive than it does this year but my god. does it feel so dismissive & taxing. #ive literally never not been more not okay than i have been this year. & i continuously get more brutalized no matter what. #it's exhausting as shit just let me fucking breathe what the fuck jfc.

[biohazardousvoidwithfangs]

is there any way to heal the schizoid dilemma at all? like I mean is there any way to relieve the engulfment feeling or to make it occur less often? to like increase the threshold for it to appear? I’m not sure I’m making any sense. Is the schizoid dilemma something that exposure therapy can help with? if you throw yourself into situations, force yourself to be social and push through the violent urge to ghost everyone and isolate, does the feeling get better over time? Or is that a sure fire way to make yourself feel drastically worse?

I tried to google therapy for schizoids and everything seems to be … very much from an outsiders perspective, someone with no clue of the actual inner thought processes or how to soothe those. It’s more about how to gaslight the schizoid (with cbt) into appearing normal than it is to help them dissociate less or to feel less stress around socializing (or maybe it’s just me) So I can’t find any good answers. And I don’t know where that leaves me

#actuallyschizoid #actuallynd #schizoid #schizoid personality disorder #fey talks #I feel like I’m too self aware for my own food #for my own good #like I am painfully aware that socializing makes me dissociate #but that isolating myself causes me to lose touch of reality and my sense of self starts to degrade #socializing makes me feel suffocated and choked but being alone feels isolating and alienating #I know I should want friends that friends are good for me #but all I can think about it is how much work it is and how much I hate texting people #idk #I’m just so tired #i wish there was a fix #or a way to mitigate the pain #I’m not interested in cbt gaslighting myself #these are real issues stemming from real childhood trauma #it’s just who I am at this point #it’s not trauma I can heal from #not in the way most people seem to be able to #I don’t think I’ll ever stop experiencing the schizoid dilemma #but gods I wish I could make it hurt less