#or were actively being abused

[lith-myathar]

.

#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb #micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life #and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school #that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare #a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children #of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues #there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid #you had no way to understand WHY #and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized #or were actively being abused #so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day #so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd #(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point) #so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and #raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff #i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate #and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization #for my age group #it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends #that was the perfect soup for adultification #i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess #it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it #but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life'' #and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten #i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years #and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself #for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality #the fear that still has a death grip on me #the courage required to just exist #it's *exhausting*

[craycraybluejay]

yes i am an adult male who loves high school dramas this is because i literally never experienced normal coming of age drama like ever and am disconnected from the collective experience of having a relatable peer group forever hope that helps

#i JUST want to experience high school #without like. my whole shitty life thing having gone on #i want to go to high school and have stupid drama and sexuality crises and worries about grades #not... That #i never had that im never going to have that #can i get (one) permission to go a little crazy if i survive into a university #fuck everyone befriend and be-enemy everyone get all up in peoples stupid mind numbingly low stakes drama #i want that sweet golden experience where the worst thing ill ever fear is annoying my classmates #or accidentally spilling something on someone at a dance #i deserve it i deserve to have had a childhood and a young adulthood and a life #i deserve to have dealt with unserious issues to prepare me for bigger ones #rather than serious danger that leaves me permanently severed from normal people and life #and makes me incapable of reacting proportionally or finding it in me to care about less serious problems #like yes it sucks your mom is going to miss college graduation #but i thank my lucky stars that you are not dying or being abused or starved or beaten or exploited #i literally dont know how to take things seriously a lot of the time like im not able to even if i try #because to me the mildest real problem is someone purposefully isolating you and ruining your health #the MILDEST #i try to care ab simple stuff i really do i just CANT #and it sucks so much trying to be a good friend and kind feeling like i cant do enough #the loud thought 'i wish that hapoened to me/i wish i worried about that/i wish the people i love only had that as a problem' #i get so envious. like thank fucking god your parents divorced like normal adults when it should be over #thank fucking god that 'friend' cut you off when they were actively insulting you and betraying your trust #thank the fucking universe that shitty partner dumped you before you fkn hurt yourself over them #yk? #and its a 'mean/cold' way to think about it but i just dont have the capacity to think or feel the little picture #i can imagine my friends subjected to such horror even tho i dont want to

[americanprometheuss]

i love it when the voices start speaking to me and they make me realize that the reason i sympathize and feel bad for alicent’s children is because i AM alicent’s children.

i’m the child being overlooked in favor of someone else, the ones who have to watch their mother beg for their father to realize that his inactions are harming me. the one being scorned and sneered upon while being told that my father figure isn’t my father, he’s my authority figure, the one who holds the rod instead of being my nurturer.

i’m aemond after he loses his eye, and is watching alicent beg for viserys to do something to help him. i’m aegon slowly wasting away as he tries to live up to the mantle of king that was forced on his head. i’m heleana who speaks of the misfortunes of her family but is ignored and pitied.

i feel like every person who has been emotionally, physically, mentally, etc. abused in their childhood can find pieces of themselves within each of the green children because they’re just the beacon and poster child of how the same abuse can make so many different types of adults.

#idk….i got kinda self aware tonight and i don’t think i like it but fuck it we ball #grrm idk if you were actively thinking about that while you were characterizing alicent’s children but i applaud you #i can literally sit here for hours and talk about how alicent being abused shaped her into becoming an abuser and how her abuse toward her #abuse toward her children made them the way they are #hotd #aegon ii targaryen #aemond targaryen #heleana targaryen #dance of the dragons #asoisf #team green #alicent hightower #rhaenyra targaryen #daemon targaryen

[57sfinest]

actually i do want to make this a post. it’s so interesting to think about harry from other people’s perspectives, especially if they’re people who were around him before martinaise. because the thing about harry is: he’s a spectacle. there is not a single person left to him who genuinely *cares*. but there are people who take an interest for interest’s sake. harry is the car crash that people can’t look away from, and it’s such a rich lens to view him through.

let’s exclude jean, judit and trant because there’s already enough you can say about them as the sole remaining members of the major crimes unit. think of the other officers who worked at the 41st. whether they worked in c-wing with him or not, they were exposed to him. they had to be around him in some capacity. as a lieutenant, he was “responsible” (i use that term loosely) for overseeing a number of subordinates under the rank system. 

like put yourself in the shoes of a patrol officer at the 41st. you know harry as, in a word, unstable. a deeply unreliable man of extremes with alarmingly few personal attachments to keep him in check. he’s also practically untouchable as long as he keeps getting results, which he does, at a cost. so there’s never any point in formally complaining about him- he’s never going to be corrected or fired, so you just do one of the following: 1) keep your mouth shut (if you’re polite or playing it safe), 2) only bitch about him out of earshot (if you’ve got something to say but you’re nonconfrontational), 3) start shit with him but in a “playful” way that is secretly sincere (if you’re ballsy/have known him long enough), 4) or start shit with him for real (if you’re jean, or have a death wish). 

and the thing about the last two of those options- *especially the 3rd, which seems to be the favorite of his fellow C-wingers*- you have to know him VERY WELL to pull it off without ostensibly getting your nose broken (or worse). you have to know his moods and his triggers and what exact cocktail of bullshit he’s displaying that day so you know where the line is for this particular shift. whoever figures it out first passes it along to everyone else- hey, you can fuck with him about dating today, but don’t bring up the drinking or last week’s case or he’ll go ballistic. and it’s just like... he’s a specimen. you may not know him on a personal heart-to-heart level, but you know him the way a zookeeper knows their tigers, or the way the falconer knows their hawk. you know when to feed and when to back away with your arms up. it doesn’t make things better, but it stops them getting worse. (for you, anyway).

then martinaise happens and if he comes back- his instability is still there, but it’s not the same. you don’t recognize the way he’s acting. maybe some things are not as bad as before, but all of it is different and it’s impossible to get a read on it. you have no idea how to approach him now, or if you should approach him at all. there’s a new layer to his unreliability and it’s somehow even scarier than before. there’s a tiny tiny calm in his storm, finally, and you don’t know when it’s going to break or what’s going to break it. you hear he’s finally actually kicking the booze and maybe you just scoff and move on, or maybe you let yourself root for him. really it all depends on how long you’ve known him, how many times you’ve seen him *try*. how sympathetic you are to his conditions and how patient of a person you are. how many times he’s hurt you (because that number is rarely going to be zero). no matter what, you’re going to be left wondering. you don’t know how much of him is gone. you don’t know how much is going to come back. you’re not sure how much of each you *want*.

#disco elysium meta #harry du bois #disco elysium #sorry i just think it's so interesting. thinking about the people who watch him come back #you've lost the only little bit of predictability to this man. also this is isn't the same guy even though it is #you don't know how to feel about that. maybe you have the privilege of being distant enough not to care #in a way it's like harry is mr. superstar out of necessity #people engage with him the way they engage with celebrities #they want the entertainment and all the bloody gory details. but interest only extends as far as morbid curiosity #it's an artificial ego inflation as a last ditch effort to stave off the self loathing and the knowledge that no one *gives a shit* #maybe if he pretends he wants to be a display-only item then he'll start to believe it #he's just so deeply convinced that the things people hate about him are his inherent traits that he can't change #and not. you know. his abusive manipulative behavior. #at least before martinaise he had NO self awareness of the fact that he was just actively making people leave #as a self defense measure #he convinced himself that his own shitty coping mechanisms were a way in which he was a victim #instead of the self-inflicted feedback loop they actually were #sorry. im insane i know. but im right #kiwipost #hdb meta

[musical-chick-13]

Again, always very confusing to me when people suffering from The Obsessive Compulsives are Antis™, like these people will not protect you. They believe thought crimes are real. They inherently hate you and WILL throw you to the wolves if they ever come to know about anything related to your intrusive thoughts or the """""weird""""" things they ask you to do in therapy to manage/cope with them.

#you know how in erp a big part of it is writing down/thinking about the actual worst case scenario? you know the scenario that #often leads to people being harmed in a permanent way? you know creating a fictional scenario where bad things happen to good #people and you are the cause of them? THE VERY KIND OF FICTION THESE PEOPLE ARE AGAINST EXISTING IN ANY FORM BECAUSE IT #'NORMALIZES' WHATEVER TF THEY'RE ON A CRUSADE ABOUT ON ANY GIVEN DAY #THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. THIS WAY OF THINKING IS /ACTIVELY ANTITHETICAL/ TO RECOVERY FROM THIS DISORDER #this is related to the 'does anyone else get Themes™ about writing' question I posed a while back and some of these people.......... #if you knew the specifics of what I was writing about you would COMMIT ARSON #IT'S NOT REAL! NONE OF THIS IS REAL!! YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF BY MORALIZING FICTION IN THIS WAY #I USED TO HAVE CRISES OVER SYMPATHIZING WITH AND ENJOYING VARIOUS HORRIBLE FICTIONAL WOMEN TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS DIRECTLY!!!!!!! #and ngl a lot of these arguments about why xyz is Irredeemable™ sound a LOT like my disorder. #(especially in the way they try to like...twist things into fitting into a definition of [insert type of problematic dynamic here] a la #'character raising their voice at someone one time during a high-stakes situation is abuse' or 'people who were friends as children #are Related Actually') #like. you get why. you get why this VERY disorder would think in similar ways to that right. because it tries to convince you that #everything you do is violating various human rights correct? you get why this would be unhelpful right? #IF YOU SOUND LIKE MY FUCKING DISORDER!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!! #In the Vents #okay I'm done. this just. It BUGS me.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i want to go ahead and write up A Whole Thing about how ricky's arc ultimately comes down to 'protect what's yours,' in a way that tbh manages to be kind of the opposite of the toxic masculinity that trope tends to embody in western media especially. but also it relies on several other major essays about the themes in this show that i need to write up first to tie them all together with it. ashdjsjdjdh. Help

#SDMItag #ricky owens #i'll probably try writing it up for now and then see which things it does turn out i'll need to establish first #but the tl;dr is that ~protect what's yours like a man~ tropes are all about Defending Your Assets from Outside Forces with Violence(tm) #and ricky's 'protect what's yours' is about love as in loyalty as in setting down your stake Here #committing yourself to the wellbeing of whoever or whatever you've chosen; being a support for them to grow and be safe and be free #'yours' as in your family your community your work your activism the things you've built #instead of 'yours' meaning 'i have the right to destroy this and exploit it and throw it away as i please. it's there for me to take from' #it's 'i have a duty; and that duty is not synonymous with Violence; it can be feeding and healing the people you love' #'it can be putting your foot down and removing someone's access to a person or thing you've chosen when they're exploiting them/it' #'it can be *refusing* to do violence' #it's 'you chose me and you were supposed to love me and instead you treated me like a thing that exists for you to use and ruin' #'well i wasn't. i'm not. and i'm going to be what i needed you to be and you weren't' #'i refuse to hurt what's mine for my own gain because i can and i won't let you do it either' #it fucking kills me and it makes what pericles does to him and forces him to do in retaliation that much more fucking tragic #there's so much dude oh my god #kill me #professor pericles #dyn: when i die i want you to die too #abuse cw

[littlest-nightingale]

Being compared to your abuser bc of autism is fun 🫠

#for context. my sister asks where everything goes every time we put away groceries. even though she knows. #and i needed the olives. so i put them on top of the microwave. and knowing that someone would ask #i was like hey. im putting this up here so (sister) won't ask were it goes and put it away #(bc i do find that annoying but SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE #anyway. apparently this is a horrible offense and I'm being sooo mean to her #im sorry??? what??? #i just explained why i did something i knew my parents would ask about. which makes sense to do. #and apparently im “just like the people who dod that to me” and like. no??? #im not actively making fun of her for entertainment. I'm not hitting her for shits and giggles. i just put up a can of fucking olives. #like. i have autism. i don't know how my tone comes off but i wasn't purposely being malicious??????????? at all??? #and then mom called her over to make me apologize and SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE. WHY DID YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. #so now im just upset and somewhat regressed and I'm just. why. i guess i said it in a way that my parents thought was malicious but from my #perspective. i was just explaining something and then being compared to my abusers. so thats fun and cool #vent regression

[light-lanterne]

what the heck have i just read,,,

guys, there are a lot of similarities between all the members of the party. they all are outcasts of some kind, they all share some general traits (hence why they became friends in the first place), and they're all going through similar experiences as a result of their involvement with the upside down and all that.

but they're all unique individuals who all have their own struggles and character arcs and none of them exist purely to give depth to the other -_- parallels exist to add layers to certain aspects of the character's stories and the overall narrative, not to reduce an entire character's journey to those similarities and then proceed to ignore everything else about them. that is such a shallow way to consume the source material we all enjoy :|

it's okei to like certain characters more, and it's okei to point out all the little hints the duffs have left woven throughout the entire show to hint towards what's going to happen next with certain individuals and plot lines,,,

just don't reduce the entirety of one main character's existence to some very specific moments and traits in order to justify or enrich someone else's arc >:\

#✒️ #💡 #🧸 #this is about some random post claiming max “was created” to add onto will's arc btw. which is... yeah... #while somewhat similar in the way they both got targetted by vecna. they each have their own experiences in that regard :\ #(the same applies w mike btw. there are some strong madwheeler parallels in s4 but that doesn't mean mike is getting a copy of her arc e.e) #(also. pet peeve of mine (tw // suicide): the post claimed max's s4 arc is confirmation that will is suicidal... /but he isn't/ :| #just like mike isn't suicidal just because he chose to jump off the quarry that one time to save dustin. will telling everyone to close the #gate in s2 was not him being suicidal per se. it was him trying to save his family and friends even if it came at the expense of his life. #yes this ties in to his low self-worth. yes by definition mike and will were technically killing themselves in both these incidents. #and yes both mike and will show signs of them being depressed in different levels and ways. but self-sacrificial tendencies don't #immediately translate to an active pursuit of death. particularly when they only did their thing in moments /when their loved ones were in #peril/ x.x) alas. i digress. just please stop throwing words around and fanfic-icating everything. and please stop taking max's arc #and making it everyone's but hers :\ it was a great representation of survivor's guilt and the conflicting relationship an abusee has with #their abuser and that 3-season-long plot line only works with her -_- #anyway. just be careful of your wording when discussing parallels :\

[firefly-fez]

could anyone else just feel their blood boil at palpatine saying “if the clones will just blindly follow orders” as his excuse to decommission them when we all know damn well that’s exactly what he created them for. that’s what he made them do, blindly follow orders. that’s the only thing he ever needed them or wanted them to do. blindly follow orders: eliminate the jedi threat by being brainwashed to kill their best friends, to blindly. follow. orders. he never wanted them to serve the republic, or the jedi, he wanted them to accrue enough military tactical experience so they would have all the intelligence they needed when the time came. he never wanted them to serve the jedi, he wanted them to kill the jedi. he told them they were born to be loyal to the republic and groomed them to destroy it. and that job is now done so he casts them aside using the earliest available excuse that they are an inferior class of soldiers because they will blindly follow orders.

#palpatine #darth sidious #the bad batch #tbb s2 #the bad batch spoilers #the clone conspiracy #truth and consequences #the way he just GASLIGHTS an entire army like that #the sheer oppression and abuse the clones face #the way the clones are so consistently abused? #consistently oppressed and denied basic rights! #lied to about their purpose and groomed - yes - GROOMED to do the opposite #believing they were born to serve the republic but being the very means theough which it was destroyed? #brainwashed to kill the jedi; their best friends? #they are so abused and actively gaslit and actively oppressed #it just makes me so mad? #and then you have well meaning good people like kanan #who remember the genocide of the jedi and blame it on the clones #and throw all of that trauma right back in their face? #characters like ahsoka and riyo chuchi have gotta be the outlier you know #most ppl probably feel the way kanan does; blaming the clones for the fall of the jedi #not believing a word they say about the inhibitor chips #and no disrespect to kanan but can you imagine how that would feel to someone abused and gaslighted the way the clones were? #no wonder rex defends himself by playing down the impact his inhibitor chip had on him #to go through something THAT traumatic and have another victim of serious trauma tell you you’re a liar who can’t be trusted #knowing how difficult it would have been for them to trust themselves after that? #do you think rex could even point a blaster at ahsoka after the order without having a panic attack? #because i sure as hell dont #its not just the extent of their trauma #its the way it’s chronically invalidated by EVERYONE evil palpatine and traumatised kanan alike. the fate of the clones is a tragedy <3

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

SERIOUSLY PPL WHO WANNA TALK ABOUT HOW COOL A VILLAIN C!DREAM WAS AND HOW THE BLATANT APOLOGISM PANDERING TO MAKE HIM SEEM DEEPER MADE HIM A FUCKING CONTRADICTORY MESS THAT DOESNT WORK IM RIGHT HERE

#I’m gods strongest soldier for being apparently the only c!dream stan who sees no appeal in the weird loops people went through to make him #sympathetic like That Is An Abuser #oh but so r other characters yeah and I think what they did was awful too #only One of them even Started to change their ways c!Dream and c!Schlatt were both actively abusing their victims the Second they died #so I hate them more #but c!quackity torturing c!dream? awful. worst thing he ever did.

[separatismor]

.

#idg the ppl who make fun of ppl who label bullying as a trauma #my mum was bashed every day at school as a kid #then had to go home to deal with religious/cult brainwashing #i was bullied during 'no tolerance' beginnings so they just learned to jab at my appearance and ostracize me #im still deeply affected to the point where i cant form relationships without feeling on some subconscious level #that im actually being manipulated #and then i do end up getting manipulated #(there was other bullying going on but that was 95% of what they found they could get away with) #so basically im rly struggling with still feeling like a joke and like im someone whose only worth is to be fucked with in every conceivable #way as i hold no value in being seen as beautiful or lovable or likable or smart or funny or a complete person #because basically 90% of the people whove been in my life have treated me with active hostility #the other ten percent include people who were paid to not be hostile #one person out of all ive gone on more than one date with #and three friends i have now #only one of whom is willing to emotionally support me when im telling them IM STRUGGLING #anyway bullying solidified that i was a worthless pos to everyone on the planet and i dont know what kind of charmed #life these ppl have lived to not have bullying be the piss flavoured icing on the shit flavoured cake that was their childhood #okay the bullying got so bad for me that i ended up going thru psych abuse further familial abuse #a really shitty 'friendship' i had which futuer entrenched how worthless i was #which made me anthropophobic which was an horrific nightmare #i barely left the house for almost 7 years!!!! #THIS is why pplthink theyre autistic #no actually im just deeply confused as to why you would ever tell me the truth about anything #as i KNOW that im worthless and should die #the shits who laugh at bullying being considered a trauma to some come off as tho yhey were a bully...

[hella1975]

the confirmation that andrew never heals sucks so bad but it's also funny as hell because i'm assuming this was on her blog mentioned at the back of the book. so. either she just, completely unprompted, felt the need to say this. which is hysterical on it's own. OR the even funnier option i'm picturing she got some sort of question from a fan like "hey i love your books! i just wanted to ask what you think andrew and neil's future looks like! does andrew ever heal?" and this fucking woman answering with something like "hi! this is such a lovely thing to say, i'm glad you enjoyed my books! as for your question,

no. andrew never heals. him and neil never learn to say 'i love you' to each other.

but they adopt two adorable cats and give them silly little names! one is grey and the other is orange :)"

literally she could have just shut the fuck up WHY did she feel the need to add all the shit she did. she so easily could have left this series alone after getting so much hate but instead she decided to make it objectively worse for herself. she amazes me

#like she also does a lot of post-canon stuff on who the new foxes are when the older kids graduate #and it's so obvious that she's desperate to keep up the Traumatised Kids Club but is running out of ideas #and instead of just letting shit cross over bc shocker abuse and addiction arent just a one-man character trait #it affects most people in the situations the foxes were raised in #she instead just. goes absolutely crazy coming up with backstories. like idk how accurately i remember this #bc it was years ago that i was actively looking this shit up but there's one girl who joins and the reason she loves exy #is because she was KIDNAPPED AND HELD IN A ROOM FOR YEARS WHERE THE ONLY TIME SHE WATCHED TV #WAS WHEN EXY GAMES WERE PLAYING AND IT HELPED HER BOND WITH HER KIDNAPPER OR SOME SHIT #SO NOW SHE HAS REALLY COMPLICATED THOUGHTS ABOUT THE GAME #AND I THINK ANDREW THREATENS TO PUSH HER OFF A ROOF. you could sooner convince me i hallucinated aftg than it being real #ask #aftg

[badolmen]

So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.

#ra speaks #personal #watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content #and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive #triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce. #I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit #like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why #and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.) #brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack. #you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please??? #survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real. #I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes. #I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like #I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school. #it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup #it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together. #hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life #after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.

[bunnychargebolt]

Im going to give my parents shaken baby syndroms Im- hhhhhhhh vent :3 (gonna put any warning stuffs in tags)

I am so just- am eepy. I want to sleep. It is fucking 2:30 in the morning. But I cannot! Because I am hungry! And my body is fucking not doing good! And I can not do anything about it because I do not have food.

But for whatever reason!! My mother!! Who eats the least in this household!! Continually has her stuff stocked!! She fucking- eats like two of the jif to go cups of peanut butter for lunch. And that is like- her lunch. And that just fucking works for her. Which is because she got fucking weight loss surgery.

Im

Hhhhhhhhhhhh

I do not have enough food. And honestly I probably havent had enough food in months. Because instead of eating i sleep. Because my body shuts down. And I am trying *so hard* to get across to my parents that I need food. I am- hhhhh honestly prolly qualifying as anorexic speaking strictly on eating patterns. Which ik for sure my mom is.

And also my irl friend keeps talking about hes gonna starve himself. And im- hhhhh. Theres so many fucking tjings going on with him and theyre bad and I havent talked about them and im going to fucking lose my mind. But thats not even what im focused on right now.

I dont know if i can continue physical therapy. Because it is not guaranteed that i have food. And my parents say that money is tight. But my mother is constantly getting a bunch of stuff. And we have so much shit. And im- i camt handle all of this.

I cant ask for anything without being told that im asking for a lot. My mom ordered in dinner for me and my brother the other night bc she got a thing through work and i asked for what I know would be enough for me and I got told that thats too expensive. Which i understand. The cost of shit is fucking insane. But there is so much fucking focus on cost and portion size and “oh tjat costs too much” “oh youre asking for a lot” “dont forget that this is what a portion size” and even fucking talk of like calories and checking even though i ask for that to not happen.

People tell me to take some of their food because they have plenty and I get it but Im fucking terrified. My mom had locked up a shit ton of food when i was a kid including freezers. Which to this day still have the locks by them. And if im caught she wont hesitate to do it again. I cant go through that again.

I know I cant really get out. Im genuinely scared of my parents. I- cant. I cant get out. I cant leave stuff. Im terrified. Fuck i don’t remember ever not being scared of my mom in some capacity. And my dads way more passive but sometimes he yells and I just- cant do it. And i hate that what they do works. I get shoved into being this fucking doormat of a person.

Honestly I dont think I ever really got to be a person. I still dont super feel like one. I dont have complete control over myself. I dont feel like i have free will. Which sucks. I wanma be my own person. I wanna learn what itd feel like to be able to be myself for even a day. Im- just lost a lot of the time.

The only good thing I know for sure is coming out of this is that I know my depression medication works. Im pretty sure most of my issues with functioning are from malnutrition issues. And im def not suicidal or having thoughts of sh which is really nice!! Plus I know I have a very supportive group of friends online that I love very much

Wuheiwhe speaking of friends- angy about irl friend. He fucking- complained to me that he gets upset when i vent about shit at home cause hes gonna get kicked out when he turns 18. Which likw- i get it. The threat of being homeless is horrible. But if your thought process while you have fucking unwatched access to a credit card and can essentially have whatever the fuck you want while im saying i dont fucking have food at home is “well at least you have a home” IS FUCKING INSANE. Especially because you have already gathered almost $1000 in cash amd still have like 11 months to figure shit out. Your future situation sucks but that should not take away empathy for my current situation??? Where i am??? Not getting fed enough???

I understand that your homelife is shit and your family is fucked. However, you almost never get told no. Which is really fucking obvious!!! Because you wont take any of my nos for an answer!!! And tbh youre kinda financially abusive!!! I hear how you talk to your bf which is fucking insane and i hate it. And when you talk about how you pay for gas when im using my parents cars and they need to be filled and i say were driving around too much and using a lot of gas you go “well its my gas” No!! It isnt!! That is not how that works!! And just because you pay for the fucking gas WHEN YOU HAVE ME DRIVING FUCKING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT GWT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IM SAYING NO does not kean you pay for the rest of the fucking car!!! You also!! Make jokes about taking back gifts!! Because you paid for them!! Which is shitty as fuck!! And its not even your fucking koney its your grandmas money and you got fucking pissed and bitchy when Ive mentioned that when talking about it being different when one of our friends took advantage of us for money because you are just handed it and the stuff i had i workwd for, in a job that started the decline of my physical wellbeing. Its not the same fucking thing.

Im

Shaking. I want to scream. I cant. Handle everything. I dont want to have to be here and dealing with all of this.

And anothwr fucking tjing about ky friend- he gets pissy when me or his boyfriend accidentally leave garbage in his room. Which i get a little but then he doesnt take care of it either!! And then he has shit there all the time!! Including multiple unfinished starbucks drinks that have grown mold!!! Why do you keep getting the biggest fucking size when you know damn well you wont drink it.

And you keep fucking- i cant play therapist for you. You cannot constantly come crying to le about your bf and talking about how you should break up with him AND THEN GET KAD AT ME FOR SUGGESTING YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM

Im not- i cant. Im

Im violently angry. And i want to sleep. Amd i wamt to be able to have food. And i want my oarents to love me and understand me. Or even fucking- to try. At all. I want my physical wellbeing to matter. But it doesnt. In multiple different ways. And its all just so bad all the time and i try and tune it out but it slips through.

Im having trouble remember things. Its bad. Im- i cant use my brain as well as i know i should be able to. Im- idk. I just cant fucking deal with this. Except im still going to. Im complaining but theres mot kuch i can change.

I hate feeling like im breaking all the time. I want to be able to be loved and be a person and have a home!!! I have a roof over my head. And i appreciate that so much. But this is absolutely not a home. And its very much not welcoming for me. And I just- I perpetually have the feeling of “i want to go home” with no home to go to. And its been like that for most of my life. And I just- really want to have a home.

#vent #tw vent #this was originally about ky parents but it tirned into a generalized thing #ummm #tw disordered eating #tw eating issues #financial abuse #fuckinggg #emotional abuse #??? #shit gets fucky idk #my brains not- doing well #also im actively running away from server friends in this post #i love you guys #just #being vulnerable is hard and i hold back as much as i can #when were on call or whatever #scared of complaining too much and pushing people away again #pls dont leave lol

[icedteaandoldlace]

Person on social media: So my cat is pregnant and—

Cat people in the comments: SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR FUCKING CATS!!!! And if she's your only cat, why was she allowed to go outside, huh?? Don't you know there's CARS and WILDLIFE outside??? Op clearly just wants their cat to die. You don't deserve to have any pets since you clearly don't care about them, and I hope someone takes her away from you and gives her a better life, you heartless monster.

#I follow a fat cat on Instagram and there's a disclaimer in her bio #explaining the health condition she has and that she IS on a diet and being well taken care of #because if that wasn't there her owners would probably get tons of comments accusing them of abuse/neglect #and they probably still do anyway #I'm in an FB group for people to post pics of their fat cats WITHOUT having to justify why they're fat #because people are tired of getting interrogated and shamed by strangers #and just wanted a space to share their pictures without fear of being dogpiled #everyone just needs to calm tf down and mind their own gd business #if someone is actively harming their pet or saying they don't vaccinate them THEN you can say something about it #but short of that if they didn't ask for your opinion don't give it #most people know to spay and neuter their pets but not everyone has gotten around to it yet and THAT'S OKAY #some people have barn cats or cats who were strays that they can't keep inside for whatever reason but still treat as a pet #and THAT'S okay too #just let people live jfc #the cat looks happy and loved to me

[little-klng]

hate that you cant just see a post that talks about how homeschooling is by-and-large a tool for evangelical alt right conspiracy freaks to isolate and abuse their kids out of fear that their kids might grow up to have different ideas and perspectives than them without looking in the notes and seeing 600 people like "well if the parents had some sort of teaching background it would be fine :) the real problem is that they're underqualified and dont really teach common core very well". and just completely missing the point.

#the point is not just 'the kids are underprepared for getting their GED' #its 'the parents who are the biggest majority of homeschoolers literally do not care about the GED or their kids future #as long as their kid grows up indoctrinated and acceptably conservative' #and 'kids who are homeschooled are 99% of the time viciously isolated from their peers and grow up with stunted social and logical skills' #yes the parents are underqualified. even if they were perfectly qualified and had been teachers before #the point is that they're still using homeschooling as a way to ensure their children are little clones of themselves and cant report abuse #and obviously if you were homeschooled as a result of bullying and your parents tried very very hard to get you what you needed #then you're not included in the demographic being talked about. but you have to recognize that you were a part of a lucky minority #also just so we're clear this IS a vague post but the op of the post im vagueing was correct i just didnt wanna clown in their notes #their activity feed has been through enough #child abuse #child neglect #homeschooling #conspiracy theories