#anyway. Bad Brain Evening. thanks

[mumblesplash]

man i’ve had pretty serious art block before in the past but it was always more a lack of inspiration/irl stuff draining all my energy, currently Not having art block but getting hit by my first bout EVER of feeling like i just straight up can’t make anything that’s good enough and oh my god how do people deal with this

#i have zero mental defenses against this bc it’s never happened to me #like i know i’m being stupid here bc i feel like everything ive ever drawn is somehow worse than anything anyone else has ever drawn #which first of all cannot possibly be the case bc art is subjective and also i’m not that special #and second of all ‘this means i’m bad at everything’ is not a reaction i have EVER had to art i consider ‘better’ than mine #i’ve always just been excited by the opportunity to learn how to do a new cool art thing i couldn’t do before #like what is happening here why did my brain broke #on the bright side this doesn’t seem to be even slowing me down from writing and drawing things and posting them anyway #but i could really do without the accompanying dramatics in the back of my head #‘you can’t post this you are an affront to art history and the whole of humanity’ shut Up brain it’s literally minecraft fanart for fun #anyway all this to say. thank you everyone being nice in the notes of my silly lil poems you’re gonna make me cry #mumbling

[jaytalking]

Warmups from today doubling as a design study of sorts

#detective conan case closed #i should have probs listened to my german teacher instead #but SON was on the brain #detco #detective conan #edogawa conan #meitantei conan #y'all ever think about how dissonant his memories will feel when he gets the antidote #like. that guy will have two “childhoods” #even if he'll probs categorize one as “Shinichi and the horrible #no good very very VERY bad year(s) #there were a few good times but mostly? A time to forget fr fr #they(Haibara) gotta study his brain in a lab after this shit #btw hi welcome to the tags again how are you #thank you for checking this stuff and listening to my insane ramblings about identity and memories #lmao anyways uhh cya

[jenna-louise-jamie]

thinking about yassen gregorovich instead of sleeping (because i love him) and how he is a catalyst. yassen stabbs ash -> ash kills john rider -> ian rider raises alex -> yassen kills ian rider -> mi6 blackmails alex into becoming a teenage spy.

i have so many thoughts that i can't properly articulate. obviously this is a simplified chain of events, but yassen and his choices set off a chain reaction of the world's most unfortunate dominos. especially when you read russian roulette. to be clear im not necessarily trying to blame him for everything because that feels very mean. he was also just a 14 year old kid when everything in his life went wrong, just like alex. only difference being yassen literally had no one.

i think i should write an essay about this because i haven't even gotten into my thoughts about what yassen and alex's dynamic would look like past eagle strike. i would imagine it'd be similar to ellie and joel from the last of us part 2.

where obviously yassen loves alex and alex on some level cares for yassen back but struggles to reconcile that with the fact that yassen is responsible for his uncle's death. a very unforgivable act. it would be so messy and complicated and angsty, because on one hand here is an adult who truly cares about him and has a connection with him through his father. yassen could tell alex about john, and trust that yassen truly wants whats best for him. but he killed ian, and he cannot take that back.

while alex reels from those feelings, yassen is also trying to reconcile his love of alex with the knowledge that he on some level is responsible for the suffering alex endured at the hands of mi6. and possibly even the fact that alex's godfather is the one who killed john and helen.

#btw i think anthony horowitz killed yassen off so he wouldnt have to deal with this lmao #and sidenote ash is responsible for his own shitty choices but i think itd be difficult for yassen to cope with the fact that stabbing ash #led to some very bad consequences for literally everyone #are there any fics that are similar to what im describing?? ? #i read a ton of alex rider fics but i mostly read fluff because im actually too emotionally fragile to handle angst #i cried while reading stormbreaker and that book wasnt even supposed to be sad #if this is doesnt make any sense its because i woke up at 2 am and wrote this #its just word vomit; pure not proofread thoughts directly from my fucked up little brain #idk maybe someone will enjoy reading this #alex rider #yassen gregorovich #alex rider books #ian rider #john rider #chaotic ramblings #and final note i do not ship yalex #i was thinking of this more in terms of yassen having a weird guardian/parental relationship with alex #if it wasnt clear from my ellie and joel reference from the last of us #anyways im gonna go back to making shitposts and memes so i never have to feel anything again thank you goodnight <3

[sneckoil]

i need you to know that your jonah magnus art has changed me on a fundamental level. i come back to your blog every now and then and search "jonah" and i simply Look at the most evil trans man to exist

😅 aahhhah

#i renamed his tags to just jonah to avoid tma fans #i think i art i did at the time was good #but i think it was my brain’s last hurrah in terms of ‘dedication to a piece of media’ #and it was an extremely Big hurrah. and i am tired and i am ashamed #and based on what ive seen crop up on my feed my effects still echo in tma LMAO #i dont know what took over me but ive Actively taken steps to never get invested in anything that deeply again #dear lord it was so bad i couldnt even sleep more than 5 hours. and i woke up tense #anyway. obsession… (hyperfixation?) is like a sugar high #and since tma ive been riding out my sugar crash IM SO TIRED #SORRY TO GO ON A TANGENT ANON i know youre just being nice #thank u for liking my art at least #shioshpam

[lavender-wiitch]

If honura is a wiling avatar of the web then she coerced madoka into unknowingly becoming an avatar of the extinction, in this essay you already have

DAMN THAT'S SO INTERESTING WAIT A SEC

(for those who aren't aware this is further exploration on something i wrote based on a @wouldtheybecomeafearavatar poll where some people are categorically incorrect in labeling homura as an extinction avatar rather than a web one)

i began thinking further on what you said, and 1) the nature of madoka's powers, 2) her goals and 3) what would feed an entity through her — makes it particularly tricky to pintpoint which fear she'd serve. i was making an entire essay here exploring the possibilities (mainly through an extinction, end, eye and desolation lens) and my brain hurt.

we know that one of homura's main goals is for madoka to NOT engage with the horrors™ much less become a part of them, but her rewinds inadvertently make madoka more and more powerful each loop, which could translate into madoka being marked by a fear more intensely each time. a fear strongly characterized by inevitability, which is what homura is trying to prevent.

madoka's powers as a god are very intrinsically related to the dichotomies of death and rebirth, hope and despair. the way she finds to prevent magical girls from becoming witches is to welcome them to their end before they get the chance to transform. she absorbs their despair, which could mean feeding off of fear and torment, even if it means taking it away from others and placing the burden on her. paradoxically, since she is also a magical girl, that means she'd have to absorb her own misery, which is what prompts the reinvention of reality. magical girls themselves aren't erased, but witches are technically replaced by wraiths as the beings magical girls must fight. they are distortions of madoka's cause and effect of her wish.

what we also know is that fear entities do not give a rat's ass about bringing the peace madoka wishes for humanity. in one way or another, her wish could be warped for the sake of spreading fear. perhaps, in a TMA world, no matter what entity she'd serve, the implications of madoka's wish are even more tragic (as if PMMM wasn't tragic enough!). her unwilling transformation into an avatar inplies the loss/corruption of her humanity and of the very compassion that she feels for the world and its denizens. her hope, which is something so embedded in her core, could get corrupted into something worse (perhaps an extinction interpretation would imply worse consequences for her actions and what magical girls could end up becoming; and a desolation interpretation would reinforce the law of cycles — creating more hope means creating greater grief to absorb and feed on). maybe it would prompt her to seek out more misery, despair and grief to feed on, even if she doesn't want to be an agent of pain, at least not initially. jon didn't want to become someone who takes pleasure and nourishment from violating people's privacy. maybe becoming a concept means a near total loss of what used to make her human, and her motivations would merely become twisted echoes of what they used to be.

imagine the guilt and pain homura would feel. damn all of this would make an awesome AU.

from this point on we can ask a few questions: what her motivations and struggles are (i.e. granting people hope, comfort and release from further eternal misery in life / feeling powerless to stop the horrors™ from dooming the magical girls' fate) and which fear would she cause or feed off of through her motivation and powers, which would have to be warped in some way for them to work for the main purpose of an entity: spreading fear.

an extinction approach would lean more on the rebirth themes and the aspect of replacing witches with wraiths, whether their creation was intentional or not from madoka's part. a terminus route would touch on her new role as this cosmic magical girl grim reaper/psychopomp of sorts, the comfort she offers being twisted somehow into something horrible. a desolation approach would have plenty of dramatic irony, as it highlights how madokami absorbs despair and grief and would feed on the exact feelings of devastation and loss that magical girls are doomed to feel as a consequence of the hope deposited in their wishes. her self-sacrificial nature becomes her downfall as she carries this burden, burns for the sake of others and becomes the most powerful witch (source of despair and torment) of all.

all of these aspects of her powers could be warped into something in favor of these fears and that could corrupt or destroy her as we know her. the thing would be knowing which one would claim her against her will.

what i'm certain of is that the story that would come out of TMA madohomu would be absolutely DEVASTATING and i am HERE for it.

#this is such a cursed AU #as it should be #but anyways i'm so curious as to what people could think about this it intrigued me thank you and sorry for the ramble #my brain hurts so bad from thinking and i didn't even reach a definitive conclusion ffs ughh #doomed yuri got even more doomed #web!homura #homura akemi #akemi homura #madoka kaname #kaname madoka #madokami #madohomu #the magnus archives #tma #the magnus pod #puella magi madoka magica #madoka magica #pmmm #madoka magica rebellion #the mother of puppets #the web #the extinction #the end #terminus #the desolation #the lightless flame #doomed by the narrative #lavenderwiitch asks #long post

[possamble]

jesus im backed up on work

#possramble #im putting an immediate stop on all fic writing and in-depth marcilleposting until may lol sorry #too bad for me i just had another pwp idea that's rattling my brain #marcille starts taking a few hours to do full-body tans just bc she realized she's getting weird neckline tans in the summer #and she'd rather not have that when it's so hot out and she's cycling through her low neckline dresses #but of course. falin walks in while she's lounging naked on her balcony covered in tanning oil #first time i'll be using 'clothed top naked bottom' if that's even a tag #anyway. i did finally figure out what i want to do with the next chapter of a little creature so that's a relief #also thank you for the tips LMFAO i just need to fight off the urge to use them for stupid takeout orders

[gregmarriage]

the whole thing of “oh, you use mobility aids?’” “oh, you use *insert thing that makes my life easier*?” said in the kinda tone where it’s kinda obvious they’re looking down on you for it. literally go fuck yourself <3

#shoutout to the girl who stared at me the last time i was in town #literally i was just minding my own fucking business #it wasn’t just a quick glance that basically everyone does or whatever #she full on STARED at me #like thanks for making me self conscious about living my life how i need to #idk if she really meant it in that way but like idk #i could choose to take it as she liked my outfit but my brain fully attached itself to the negative #bc literally i’m a person with a cane so idk it just seems weird to me #anyways my point is ppl who make ppl feel bad about needing mobility aids etc fucking suck ass fr fr #bc they’re all like ‘do you really need it?’ or ‘are you even trying to get better?’ #literally fuck off and die x #i normally try to be a positive person etc but sometimes things piss me off and i’m not gonna apologise #especially as it’s my own fucking blog #anyways this shit really boils my piss and i hope ppl who do it die in a fire <3 #gwen rambles #gwenposting

[epicdogymoment]

once again rubbed the wrong way by friends who unintentionally reveal that they dont really engage with my masculinity in any real way and see me as nonbinary (female-lite)

#leologisms #...................i need more trans friends. in real life #its so frustrating. your gay friends knowing youre transgender but still being able to tell that yeah. they really do just see you as #female-lite. and pushing back by overcorrecting the other way. but im NOT a trans man! and im not a woman either! and the label #nonbinary doesnt fit me even if other people might understand my identity best as under that label. im just transgender. none of #your business. but hearing people say 'well thats why you dont date men' and 'ugh i hate men' etc while i KNOW what they mean #the fact that theyre ok just saying that around me. TO me. a bisexual transgender. feels so bad. #not only am i not masculine in their eyes theyre also telling me that to them masculinity is inherently. dirty. dangerous. but thank god IM #not like that right? hahaha!!!!! thank god i would never be attracted to masculinity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #.........god. anyway. the thing that prompted this happened a few days ago now and it was just a throwaway comment #but my awful brain loves latching onto those. so whatever.

[lesbiansanemi]

Things to make me lie down and contemplate everything. 400 ppl liking my writing enough that they want a notification when there’s something new

#one person in the comments of last sunrise also said I was their favorite renkaza writer #I. I. LIKE MAN I DUNNO #I am literally always under the assumption that people like. tolerate my creator endeavors #like maybe they’re not bad but they’re not GOOD and they’re kind of mildly annoying to everyone around me #(we can thank my family for mercilessly mocking every interest I ever had as a kid for that one) #I have had ONE person irl who has always responded v positively and passionately when I talk about my projects #(hiiiiii Lee ily for this) #and it’s like. oh. oh wow. this kinda stuff is always like whiplash to me because of it #it shocks me when ppl comment or oh my god when they ask me QUESTIONS about fics #like they WANT me to talk more about them #I’m too anxiety ridden to really even talk about them on MY dumb tumblr account cuz I worry about being annoying #because me being excited about working on something = annoying in my brain #(and like it’s never anyone else I see literally ANY other person posting about their art or ideas or processes and I’m like OMG AWESOME) #(it’s literally just me that this applies to 😭😭😭) #so yeah. ppl ask about fics. people say they’re excited about them. ppl even say they THOUGHT about them #and it baffles and confuses me and blows my mind #anyways. the point is. Ty ily I can’t believe you all like anything I made #but I’m trying to get better about getting over this mindset #and seeing physical proof in numbers that it really is ridiculous definitely helps #kaz rambles

[the-trans-dragon]

Wow there sure are a lot of posts about [specific trigger I have] lately. I've unfollowed some people over it. Some have posted opinions I disagree with very strongly; some have posted opinions I do agree with. Either way it bothers me too much to see it. I don't want [specific trigger] mixed in with my Cat Photos And Memes App.

So if I've randomly unfollowed you recently, that is probably why.

#sorenhoots #i cant even make a dni about it because i cant say it or type it because its too big of a trigger. #“you cant hide from things you dont like” is an irrelevant argument. ive been trying to cope with this for 20 years and i do not benefit #from Surprise Random Exposures. it stresses out my brain so badly. also i do hide from this thing IRL as much as i can. “if you dont get #exposed to it youll never get over the trigger“ thank you very much for your concern but my mom brings it up to me multiple time a week and #it gives me nightmares that make me scream myself awake and then procede to have horrible mental health for hours or days so. i dont want #anyone to think im being weak! it takes self-introspection and bravery to remove bad things from my environment. im taking care of myself in #the way that works best for me. i know that nice people wont be mad at me for that but...i guess my brain is just worried about other people #mocking me for it so i am pre-arguing against it. which doesnt do any good but. idk. anyways. send post.

[wheelsupin-five]

Writing poll tag game !!

I was tagged by @thosetwofirefighters thank you sm !! Sorry to report I only have 2 active WIPS rn and both are for COD/ghostsoap 😣😣 they are just so . okay (one is smut can you guess which it is from title alone)

Rules: Make a 24-hour poll with the names of your WIPs and then for whichever wins, write one sentence for every vote it gets

I'm tagging @heartshapedvows @freakwiththeknifecollection @northern-borealis (no pressure off!!!)

#sorry i have call of duty brain rot (the gay kind not the military loving kind) #soap is THEE sunshine character who could absolutely fuck you up #ghost is THEE grumpy character that is secretly soft for the sunshine character #i am also absolutely giggling and kicking my feet over soap its so embarrassing i have it so bad for him BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME 😭😭 #welcome to my new hyperfixation #lincoln.txt #plz vote even if you dont go here or dont care i need motivation jfjdjf #anyways thank you for the tag bestie <333

[sevenyeargap]

wip wehehehednesday as i try to force myself to Create again

#🦔 : chatters #life ramblings in upcoming tags #this past year (since last june) has been Bad medically speaking and its not even FINISHED finished yet!!!! argh!!!!!!!!! #anyway i used to regularlu post updates for my longfic but i havent been able to properly work on something in. months. had to go to the #hospital in december and i still havent recovered from it!!!!!! help. but im trying to get into the writing mood again which is HARD #bc im a terrible perfectionist and re-reading my own writing is both awful and cool (bc yes i can write okay??) (but also i write bad????) #idk my brain is a mess #ANYWAY #ramblings over. thanks for reading mwah mwah <333

[rosicheeks]

Been thinking about you hon, missed seeing you around. Glad to have you pop up in my feed again ❤️

#thank you so much for the kind message #idk how much I’ll be on right now tbh #I’m struggling a lot #I know I say that all the time #but it’s been bad like really really fucking bad lately #today has been especially bad because of my period and my emotions and hormones or whatever being all whack #might just be my period talking and how whack my brain is right now #but I’ve been seriously thinking about admitting (committing? idk the right word) myself to some sort of hospital #I don’t know where to go or look at…. I just want to go into some hospital and be like ‘hi I’m extremely mentally ill and I need help asap’ #but I don’t think it works like that #I would talk to my parents about it but I already know what they’re going to say #99.99999% sure they’re going to say something like ‘well have you been praying?’ #trust me i WISH praying would magically heal me but it doesn’t #anyway I was hanging out with a friend today and we watched a show and I barely even remember what it was about #the entire time I was thinking about how to get myself into inpatient or some sort of help #also freaking out that I’m almost 26 and then I’ll be off my parents insurance and feel like it’ll be 10x harder to do anything like that #I just don’t want to live like this anymore #everyone else is growing up and doing things with their lives and I’m just the same old depressed girl with nothing to show for my life #I’ve been surviving which is good don’t get me wrong #but when I die I don’t want to be like ‘wow what a good life I really survived well’ 👍 #anyway thinking about texting my sister and asking her to help me but I don’t want to be a burden or anything #lol forgot I’m probably going to get criticized for bitching in the tags so I should shut up #anyway I’m very very very unhappy #and I’m going to go eat some cereal now ✌️ #ask #anon

[dandyshucks]

Yo! It's ya boi, Guzma.

So I've seen people goin' around and sendin' lovey-dovey letters to their cuties. What's up with that? Dunno but I thought, ya know, why not send one to ya, heh? OK maybe Plum' elbowed me in the sides sayin' I should force myself to be romantic for once. What's up with that?

But ya know. Thought wouldn't leave my mind so here I am, writin' to my sweetie. Hope you'll like it, my li'l Butterfree. Man, ya boi's bad at romance, OK? But I love ya. For reals.

Maybe we could, I dunno, go on a fancy date or some sh- somethin'. In Malie Garden, maybe? Away from the boys for once, just me and ya, yeah? Yeah, man. Sounds perfect to me. I just wanna cuddle with ya, y'know? Have a bit o' peace and quiet alone with my beautiful Beautifly. Is that too much to ask, Arceus?

Sorry, no point complainin' to mythical mons. I just wish we could have a moment, ya know?

OK this is gettin' embarrassing. Imma go train Golisopod for a while, then maybe we can get outta Po Town and do something cool together, yeah?

Ya boi who's bad at romance but hella grateful for ya, Guzma 🪲🖤

real actual images of me when i woke up and opened tumblr to see this a couple hours ago HELP MEEEEEEE

whoever wrote this,,,, you are incredibly good at writing in character voices godDAMN, and also YOU ARE GOING TO KILL ME (/positive)

don't mind me while i just. stare at this. repeatedly. all day. "for reals".......... sobs !!!!!!!!!!

#AND IT WOULD BE SO BUSY ALL THE TIME YOURE SO RIGHT #do u know how chaotic it'd be with a bunch of teens running around getting into shit bc thats like... their whole shteez. fucking shit up ! #i feel like im animorphing into a giddy schoolgirl whenever i look at this HFHDSGHSDGJKL im going to COMBUST #he tries SO HARD and he's so bad at it but honestly thats whats so charming fhsdgjkl he TRIES even if he isn't good at being romantic fsdjk #anon u are giving me brainworms FHDSGJKL i feel like i gotta go leap into a snowbank or smth #also this has sparked a couple art/writing ideas in my brain so thank u doubly for that - hopefully i have time to work on smth today :3 #AUGHGHGHHH i can't stop looking at this JFDSJKL #anyways thank u again LOL i wasn't sure how i'd feel about ever receiving this sort of thing but fdsjkl this is . so good #i hope your day is MOST excellent and treats you well :D !!! #save #💜so good at being in trouble #dandy.cmd

[brookheimer]

#again this is all my fault i had a week to do this i just can’t seem to do any work unless the deadline is within like . 24 hours #otherwise i can’t get myself to focus or care #thanks brain. #the film one will be easy though i can bullshit it bc my profs give out B+ as the highest grade apparently so i should stop writing A papers #for them and just get the same grade for less work . unfortunately i love writing papers (even though i hate it) and can never actually #like phone in a paper like even when i try to i end ip getting into it by the end #i’m so bad at just being like yeah let’s write a B paper. i canyyyyttttyt ! which is so annoying bc i’ll get a B in this class anyways bc #it’s 300 ppl and they don’t read the papers they just give everyone a B+ so WHY DO I BOTHER #praying that for the first time in my life i write a mid paper on purpose and it takes an hour or so #then i can focus the next 12 hours on the paper i both want and need to do well on #well maybe not NEED like i’d prob get an A in the class if i got a B+ or even a B maybe on the final #but it’s my last class ever (transferring😬) with my favorite professor in the world . i have never gotten below an A- from him on a paper #and that was only in my first class w him like i’ve gotten all As since so i NEEEEED to go out w a bang. seriously. i like him too much not #to!!! it’s also a topic i’m rly interested in except also i still don’t actually know my thesis. i just have 20 pages of brainstorming and #research. don’t know what i’m doing w it yet tho #agggggghh #so mad at myself — went to bed at 7 FUCKING PM by accident bc i hadn’t slept in 40 hours and forgot to set an alarm for like 6 to try and #make up for all the work i didn’t do yesterday so now here we r. aaaagggggggh #sorry for the personal vent in the tags but this is my blog i can vent if i want to (to the tune of that one song) #i’m actually insane why am i subjecting myself to this. and even worse why am i (ADHD #depression insane) transferring to one of the like 20 schools in america that’s more academically demanding than the one i’m at rn. why am #i making things worse for myself. #except blah blah blah not really i’m fine academically and honestly except for finals (which is always just a procrastination issue w me) #cld provably use smth a little more demanding at times like i need classes hard enough to actually convince my brain that i need to do yhe #readings lolll like i genuinely always Want to do them bc they’re things i am honestly super interested in i just a) am so bad at focusing #and b) am Disturbingly good at bullshitting like i typically am one of the most talkative ppl in classes despite doing 1/2 or less of the #readings.. and like not even to get a participation grade. just bc i can skim it and immediately have things to say ab it #that’s why i won a like national award in high school for a paper on a book i didn’t actually read😬 except i had WANTED! to read it! #that’s the issue like. if u know u can bullshit something how do u get ur adhd brain to get the message that u actually want to read it #raAaagh ok personal rambling over o know it’s prob annoying bc like i Do do well in school n i am grateful i just wish i was healthier ab it

[mwagneto]

do you think you'll have a video essayist era one day, i think you'd be great <3

thank youu omg 🥺 funny thing is I've literally been drafting a full ass like hour long video essay in my head for weeks now like it literally keeps me up at night so i think I'll have to make it or I'll go crazy 😭😭😭😭 but no yea i always wanted to do video essays it's just that i 1) can't edit for shit 2) always put everything off forever

#i wanna do youtube (again) so bad im just so busy and tired all the damn time #fun fact i used to be like. not famous but pretty big on youtube and instagram as a child #big for a 10-15 year old anyway #so my brain's just forever wired to have the Youtuber Gene i think #and thank you fr this means a lot... i do be having thoughts. several of them even #i got mail! #nicemail