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particularemu · 4 years

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Insanity | A Hwang Hyunjin Series | Part 1

Part: [Prologue] [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14] [Part 15] [Epilogue]

Word Count: 5046

Type: Angst

Warnings: violence, drugs, descriptions of anxiety, panic disorders, fucked up hospitals, a sassy Jinnie boi, and corruption.

Author’s Note: Without further ado, I present part 1 of Insanity. Please understand that I’m no doctor, and I have 0 medical knowledge, so if I make a mistake, shoot me a message and school me so I can fix it :3

Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he stepped off the bus, hand tugging his suitcase behind him. There it was — Rosewood Psychiatric Institution — the medical facility he was going to stay and work in for the next couple of years. Hyunjin would stay longer, but he had strict plans to start his own institution after getting some work experience. Judging by the beautiful landscape — it looked like he picked the right place.

The land rolled smoothly under the thick, luscious grass, the picture-perfect landscape looking as if it was sculpted by the gods. There were several colorful plants and shrubs along the cobblestone path, leading Hyunjin directly to the gates. After being waved through by a couple of nice-looking guards, Hyunjin made his way over to the living quarters for the staff. Thank goodness the way was pointed by various golden signs, otherwise, he’d surely get lost in the big institution made up of several buildings.

Hyunjin’s lips parted in surprise as several sprinklers turned on, watering the beautiful lawn for the first time that morning. Wow… they obviously had a passionate landscaper who thrives on taking care of all these plants. It must take the man (or woman) all day to water the plants, cut the grass, and pull each and every weed out of the landscape.

The institution was incredible. Most mental health facilities he visited during his university years weren’t this large — or as aesthetically pleasing. The boy couldn’t help but gawk at the beautiful architecture.

Hyunjin cursed as his watch beeped, signaling the start of his shift in the next hour. He opened the door to the living quarters, gasping at the luxurious decor coating the walls. This doctor must make loads of money off this place to be able to afford decor this nice. It was nice to know that Dr. Douglas took care of the staff. Hyunjin quickly made his way over to room 108, grateful that he wouldn’t have to drag his suitcase up 3 flights of stairs. Hyunjin tucked his suitcase under the bed, brows creasing when he saw the pure white uniform laying across his bed.

Fuck, he hated white. Of course, he expected he’d have to wear the typical white coat, but usually, he was allowed to wear blue scrubs. Why the hell were they forcing the staff to wear some 1950s style uniform? Oh well. Hyunjin changed into the uniform.

Dr. Douglas must be obsessed with the look of white — Hyunjin assumed because all the rooms were coated with white paint, decorated with white knick-knacks, and beds were made with white sheets and comforters. Hyunjin would have to find a poster or something to go on the wall, or he might have to check himself into the institution.

Hyunjin rushed out the door, checking to make sure it locked before heading over to the main building. From what he could tell on his map, he would be working in the largest building. Hyunjin headed inside, eyes scanning the room for some sign of where he should go.

“Hello, how can I help you, sir?” A kind woman dressed in some 1950s looking nurse uniform caught Hyunjin’s attention.

What is with these old-fashioned uniforms? Maybe they were trying to keep things timeless for those who’ve been in the institution a while? Or perhaps Dr. Douglass just enjoyed vintage things. Either way, Hyunjin thought the uniform choice was odd. Throw some dirt, grime, and blood on them and the uniforms would look like they’re straight from a horror movie.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Hyunjin. It’s my first day. I’m supposed to start today.” Hyunjin couldn’t help but gawk at how clean everything looked. All hospitals should be clean but this — this institution looked as though it was scrubbed top to bottom with bleach. There was no scuff mark, footprint, or speck of dust in sight.

“Ah, Dr. Hyunjin welcome.” A kind-looking man on the other side stepped out. “Come on over.”

Hyunjin squeezed through the door and shook the man’s hand. “Nice to met you Dr?”

“Dr. Henry.” The man smiled at Hyunjin. “We’ve been understaffed for so long. I’m happy they finally have someone to take over the day shift for Miss ______.” Dr. Henry handed Hyunjin a medical chart packed full of your medical history.

Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he scanned the papers. Twenty-five sedations? In just over two months? “Umm, excuse me for asking, but why has she been sedated 25 times in the past couple of months?”

“She is a feisty young thing. If she doesn’t get her way she starts hitting and screaming.” Dr. Henry laughed. “So we typically have to sedate her before she hurts one of the doctors or herself.”

Hmm… That still doesn’t sound right. Hyunjin brushed it off until he spotted an obvious problem in your chart. “Hey, why is she getting a stimulant?” Hyunjin frowned.

“What do you mean?” Dr. Henry leaned over Hyunjin’s shoulder to look at your chart.

Hyunjin pointed to a spot. “It says right here that she’s dealing with intense anxiety, panic attacks, manic, nightmares, and I’m not sure why it says etcetera there, we should be listing all her symptoms.” Hyunjin paused and pointed to another section on her chart. “Then over here, it says she’s taking Adderall — a stimulant.”

“The doctor prescribed it for her ADHD.” Dr. Henry smiled.

Hyunjin pursed his lips. The chart claimed that she had no memory of her life before the institution — and there were no notes stating she was diagnosed with ADHD. “We might want to consider taking her off of it. Stimulants can increase panic episodes. If she’s still having intense panic attacks, why are we still giving her Adderall?” Hyunjin pulled a pen out of his breast pocket. “We should remove that from her list.”

“Don’t do anything yet.” Dr. Henry pat Hyunjin’s shoulder. “The doctor has to approve any prescription changes.”

Hyunjin cocked his head in confusion. They were all doctors… Why did they need to have medication changes approved? All doctors had the ability to prescribe and change prescriptions. Whatever… Maybe it’s just a safety precaution?

“You guys have her on a steroid too.” Hyunjin pointed at your list of medications once more “Betamethasone? What’s she taking that for?”

“You know what? I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask the doctor about that.” Dr. Henry smiled. “I only started working with her recently, so I’m not aware of her entire medical history.”

Okay, is this guy really a doctor? Hyunjin sighed in frustration as he scanned your chart. How could this man be taking care of you, and not even care about your previous medical history? Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel grateful that he was taking over your care. Maybe he could give you a fighting chance.

“Ergotamine? Does she get migraines?”

“I don’t know.” Dr. Henry sighed, crossing his arms in annoyance.

“The reason I’m asking is Ergotamine contains caffeine. Adding prescriptions full of steroids, stimulants, and caffeine is only going to make her anxiety worse. No wonder she’s having such a hard time.” Hyunjin couldn’t help but glare at the man.

“Like I said. Take it up with the doctor.” Dr. Henry snapped. “Why isn’t she getting a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor?” Hyunjin was baffled. SSRIs are typically given to patients who suffer from panic attacks. The medication prevents serotonin from being absorbed by the nerve cells in the brain. Stabilizing those serotonin levels reduces anxiety and panic. “She should be taking Prozac or Lexapro,” Hyunjin mumbled as he flipped through your chart.

Dr. Henry scoffed. “She doesn’t need an SSRI. The doctor doesn’t like prescribing those unless the patient has gone through a successful therapy session.”

What the fuck equals a successful therapy session?

Hyunjin flipped through your chart, spotting the therapist’s notes over the past few sessions. Sure enough, panic attacks, anxiety episodes, refusal to cooperate, violence — you had it all. Hyunjin decided that he should sit through one of your therapy sessions to see what might be triggering your panic episodes.

“Okay, then give her a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor?” Hyunijn sighed in frustration. “Those prevent the absorption of serotonin and norepinephrine. It’ll calm her down in stressful situations.”

“I know what they do.” Dr. Henry slammed his hand on the counter.

“Okay, then why aren’t you giving her any?” Hyunjin raised his voice as well.

“There aren’t any that are approved by the drug administration jackass.” He scoffed.

“Yes, there is dumbass.” Hyunjin sighed and slipped your medical chart in his bag. “Venlafaxine. If you don’t have any in this hospital you need to get some.”

“We have it, but it’s an SSRI.”

“No, it’s not.” Hyunjin raised his voice and pointed to one of the computers. “It’s an SNRI. Look it up.” He frowned, “Besides, there are so many other options out there for her. You could give her tricyclic antidepressants, monoamine oxidase inhibitors, or beta-blockers instead of letting her suffer.” Hyunjin spat.

“Take it up with the doctor.” The man yelled back in Hyunjin’s face.

Hyunjin leaned forward, piercing eyes glaring at the other man as he crossed his arms. “Fine, I will.”

“First, come meet your patient, then you could see if she’s worth the trouble.” Dr. Henry turned and walked down the hall.

“What?” Hyunjin asked as he followed the man. Everyone is worth the trouble. Even if you were a psycho looking to attack everyone in that hospital, you were a human being. Besides, Hyunjin could imagine you weren’t being treated the best under Dr. Henry’s care — based on the way the asshole was treating him.

“Here she is pretty boy.” Dr. Henry gestured in the room.

Hyunjin’s heart broke at the sight. You were huddled in the corner, arms wrapped around yourself as if it was the only comfort you had in this mental institution. Your room was empty, save for a bed and a thin blanket that probably provided little to no warmth. Your arms were filled with scratches, from what he assumed to be your nails — but in this hospital, there was no telling.

Hyunjin slowly stepped into the room, smiling at you as your big glassy eyes met his. “Hello there,” Hyunjin spoke in a low even voice, hoping to prevent scaring you further. “I’m Dr. Hyunjin, your new caretaker. I’m looking forward to helping you the best I can.”

You quickly got up and stumbled towards the man, tears running down your cheeks as you frantically clawed at his chest. Hyunjin gasped and wrapped his arms around your waist to steady you, heart-shattering when you wrapped your arms around his neck and cried, “Please you have to help me. You have to get me out of here, please.”

Dr. Henry grabbed your arm and practically threw you across the room. “No touching the doctors. Do you want another session in the lightning room?”

You grabbed the bedpost, body shaking as you cried, “No I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin yelled, pushing at Dr. Henry’s shoulders. “That wasn’t necessary, she’s just scared.” He darted to your side, resting his hand on your arm to try and soothe you. You flinched away from his touch, mumbling apologies here and there. “Shh, you did nothing wrong,” Hyunjin whispered.

“What is the lightning room? Is that electroconvulsive therapy? Do you have the right permits to do that?” To say Hyunjin was concerned was an understatement.

“Of course.” Dr. Henry scoffed.

“Why are you using it as a punishment?” Hyunjin raised his brow. “Electroconvulsive therapy is quite beneficial if done right. Do you guys put the patients under with anesthesia?”

Dr. Henry crossed his arms over his chest, eyes filled with pure hatred as he looked at Hyunjin. “No, we mainly use it to get their act straight.”

“So you’re inducing seizures on your patients to get them to stop rebelling?” Hyunjin scoffed. “Smart.”

“Look smartass, I’m just doing my job. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the doctor.” Dr. Henry stormed off, leaving Hyunjin alone with you.

Thank God he’s finally gone.

“Hey, I’m not going to hurt you.” Hyunjin reached his hand out to you, pausing a safe distance away so he wouldn’t frighten you. “When you feel comfortable, I’m right here.” He held his hand out to you, palm facing up, giving you full control over the situation.

You turned to look at the beautiful man, noticing the way his eyes lit up when you made eye contact. He sure was gorgeous. Most caretakers wouldn’t have stayed this long, but Hyunjin stayed in front of you, hand out for you to touch when you were ready. You slowly lifted your shaky hand and gently pressed your fingers into his palm, making Hyunjin smile brightly.

“That’s it.” His voice sounded like heaven to your ears. You felt safe in his presence, even more so when he slowly closed his fingers around yours. God, it’s been months since you’ve felt such a comforting touch. “Will you let me check your vitals?”

You cocked your head to the side, confusion evident in your features as Hyunjin chuckled nervously. “Oh sorry, you might not remember. I’m going to check your pulse, your temperature, your respiration rate, and your blood pressure just to make sure everything’s okay. After all, you did get thrown to the ground and since we don’t know what triggers your panic episodes I want to make sure you aren’t experiencing any symptoms of anxiety or panic which could be increased heart rate, temperature and —” Hyunjin paused a second. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I do that a lot. I’ll just check your temperature.” Hyunjin pulled a thermometer out of his bag and placed it in your mouth, hand resting on your forehead for a second to make sure you didn’t feel abnormally warm.

You found the gentle touch comforting as his hand shifted to rest on the pulse point on your throat. His beautiful lips moved as he counted, eyes fixed on his watch. You couldn’t help but notice the beauty mark underneath his eye. That’s not something you see every day — especially in here. It felt like everyone looked the same — well… from the few people, you’ve seen during your various attempts to escape this godforsaken place. You flinched when Hyunjin pulled out his stethoscope, which didn’t go unnoticed by the ebony-haired beauty.

“You look like you’re breathing fine.” Hyunjin smiled softly as he shoved the stethoscope back into his bag. “Why don’t we skip that for now.” Hyunjin pulled the thermometer out of your mouth and smiled at the results. “Good. It’s normal.”

You sighed in relief and pulled your sore body up off the floor, plopping on the bed so you could rest. Hyunjin stood up and scanned your knees, noticing the bruises already starting to form. He couldn’t just sit there and let these damn people hurt you like this. “I have a couple of things I need to talk to your doctor about. Will you be okay here?” Hyunjin smiled when you nodded. “Awesome. I won’t be long.”

Hyunjin slowly closed the door behind him before rushing down the hallway to Doctor Douglas’s office. He was only here an hour and he feels like he’s starting all sorts of trouble. The hospital was filled with incompetent doctors — or so he assumed judging by the information in your chart. And then there was Dr. Henry…

Hyunjin nearly opened the door to the doctor’s office when a woman stepped in front of him. “Doctor Douglas is busy now sir. Please come back later.”

Of fucking course. “I’m so sorry miss.” Hyunjin smiled. “He called me down here, so I thought I’d come right away. It sounded urgent.”

“Oh, I must be mistaken. Go right ahead.” The woman moved out of the way and sat back down at her desk, obnoxiously typing a response to an email.

Wait, that actually worked?

Hyunjin quickly slipped into the office before she could see the victorious grin on his face. He frowned when he turned around, spotting Dr. Douglas sitting in his chair, playing a random game on his phone. Yeah, okay he was real busy.

“Welcome Hyunjin!” Dr. Douglas beamed. “I was hoping you’d make it here okay. I trust the drive up wasn’t too bad?”

“Thank you, sir. The drive was fine.” Hyunjin shook Dr. Douglas’s hand. “Pardon me for intruding, but I have a few questions about my patient.”

“I expected a few.” Dr. Douglas laughed. “Why don’t you introduce yourself first?”

Hyunjin ignored Dr. Douglas’s request and pulled out your chart. “After. This is urgent. You have my patient on Adderall, Betamethasone, and Ergotamine, all three are known to have anxiety and panic episodes as a side effect.” Hyunjin paused, wracking his brain for information. “There was this case study a few years ago —”

“Hyunjin please.” The doctor gestured for him to stop. “Why don’t we get to know each other first?” He chuckled. “I’m Dr. Douglas. I’m sure you know that I run this hospital, considering I was the one who hired you.”

“Yes,” Hyunjin shook his hand. “But sir, we —”

“Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin sighed dramatically, feeling like a two-year-old ready to throw a tantrum. He felt like his childish nature was justified, considering no one in this damn hospital seemed to care about your condition.

“I’m Dr. Hwang Hyunjin. I was top of my class at Southfield University and I dedicate my time helping my patients.” Hyunjin’s brows creased as he shoved your chart forward. “The one I have now needs help and I need you to approve some things so I can help her.” Hyunjin’s eyes hardened as the Doctor laughed, acting as if none of this was a problem.

“Prestigious school Mr. Hwang.” Dr. Douglass sighed and looked at your chart. “What do you need approved?”

“I want to take her off all the excess medication and put her on Prozac. I believe the mixture of Adderall, Betamethasone, and Ergotamine is making things worse for her. She’s already dealing with so much in an unfamiliar place — so let’s put her on Prozac and see if it helps.”

“And what will Prozac do that Venlafaxine won’t?” Dr. Douglas’s eyes bore into Hyunjin’s, making the boy nervous.

“E-excuse me?” Hyunjin stuttered.

“She’s taking Venlafaxine.”

“Umm, no she isn’t.” Hyunjin panned through her chart and pointed to your list of medications. “She’s getting these six medications, which is way too much for someone without existing health problems.”

“She’s in a mental facility.” Dr. Douglas chuckled. “They are all to help her.”

“Yeah? What does this one do?” Hyunjin pointed to a drug on the list. “Peroproxine?” Hyunjin frowned. “I’ve heard of Proproxen, but that’s an anti-inflammatory drug.”

“Peroproxine is an anti-anxiety medication.” Dr. Douglas stated as if it was common knowledge.

Okay, what? Hyunjin couldn’t stop the obvious annoyance taking over his features. He spends a LOT of his free time researching new and existing medications out there. If there was a drug by the name of Peroproxine, he probably would have known about it. “Why haven’t I heard of it?”

Dr. Douglas laughed. “You’re new in the business son.” Hearing the word ‘son’ come out of that man’s mouth pissed Hyunjin off. “I’m not your son. Please just approve this so I can help her.”

“I can’t do that.” Dr. Douglas sighed. “She’s improved drastically since she started taking those medications. I won’t set her back again. It’s just not humane.” He chuckled.

“Sir, she’s been here six months, and it appears her mental stability has gotten worse. And, Dr. Henry is being violent with her. He threw her to the ground —”

“Hyunjin enough!” The doctor slammed his hand on the desk, startling the boy. “Give her the medications on her list, or you’re fired.”

Hyunjin paled — it was clear he crossed a line.

“I will not have you slandering one of the most trustworthy doctors in this institution. Get back to work.” Dr. Douglas turned in his chair, cutting off the conversation. Hyunjin’s heart dropped as he left the office.

Sure, he could always quit and work somewhere else that wasn’t fucked up, but he couldn’t leave you. Something told him that you shouldn’t be there — that something else was the problem. He sulked down the hallways until he felt someone grab his arm and pull him into one of the Janitor’s closets.

The beautiful man flipped the light switch, allowing the dingy old light swinging above their heads to flicker on. So there was a dirty room in the institution.

Hyunjin scanned the man in front of him, noticing the name tag on his chest that read ‘Minho.’ He could tell Minho worked at the hospital — unless he was a crazy patient who murdered his caretaker and stole the uniform.

“Look, you’re a very beautiful man, but I have to get back to work,” Hyunjin muttered and tried to push past Minho.

“What? No, you dumbass.” Minho paused a moment and smirked, wiggling his eyebrows before saying, “But thank you.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes and tried to push past Minho once more, only to be shoved back against the brooms and mops hung on the wall. Minho blocked the door with his arm. “I’m trying to help you keep your job because someone is looking to get fired.”

Hyunjin sighed. “I don’t want to get fired, I just want to help my patient.”

“I know.” Minho’s mood shifted — a melancholy look replacing his once emotionless expression. “Just listen for a second.”

Hyunjin nodded and leaned back against the wall. “Ok fine, you have five minutes.”

“First of all, I’m older than you so you can fuck off with that attitude.” Minho snapped. “Second of all, you need to stop asking questions.” Minho paused, trying to figure out how to word his next sentence. “Just keep your head down and do your job.”

“How do you know I’m not older?” Hyunjin snickered.

“Dude really?” Minho sighed. “You look fifteen. Out of all that I said, that’s what you decided to comment on?”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but chuckle at the older boy’s expression. “Look, I’d be happy to keep my head down if my patient wasn’t suffering.”

“I know.” Minho paused. “But this hospital isn’t like the others. You have to keep your head down or you’ll be admitted.”

“What?” Admitted to the hospital? That doesn’t make any sense…

A loud scream echoed through the hallway, frightening the two boys. “Fuck… That sounds like it’s coming from my patient’s room. Here take this, it’s her medication. Please tell her to take it.” Minho opened the door and rushed down the hall.

Hyunjin stepped out of the closet and stared at the little plastic cup in his hands. From what he could tell, he had two options. One, he could give you the medicine, keep his job, and allow your mental health to deteriorate until you were clinically insane. Or two, he could simply dispose of the medication and see if you improve. His feet took him to your room, figuring it’d be best to give you the medicine for now and speak to Minho later. Perhaps the older boy could give him more information about you.

From what everyone has told him, you were a pain in the ass to deal with. Hyunjin just saw a girl who was confused and scared. He couldn’t imagine you being violent and deliberately trying to hurt someone.

Hyunjin opened the door, smiling sadly when he saw you curled up underneath the thin blanket. “Hey, it’s time for your medicine.”

“Don’t want it.” You mumbled into the blankets, turning your back to Hyunjin.

“I don’t blame you...” Hyunjin trailed off.

You turned to look at him, eyes wide with surprise. Usually, the caretakers would hold you down and force the pills down your throat. They didn’t have any mercy at this hospital — they’d do whatever it takes to get you to take your pills.

Hyunjin chuckled at your surprise and slid the pills into his bag. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

There was something about that smile of his that made you feel like you could trust him. Hyunjin wasn’t forcing you to take anything, he seemed genuinely concerned for your mental health, and he was treating you like a real human being.

“Can I sit next to you?” His soft voice shook you out of your thoughts.

“Yeah.” You sat up in bed, giving him space to sit beside you.

Hyunjin stayed silent, trying to think of questions he could ask you. He needed to know more about your medication and how you feel after taking them, but he didn’t want to trigger any painful memories. “Do you feel anxious after you take the medication?”

You thought about it for a minute before nodding. “It comes out of nowhere. I’m usually fine until I have to take my medicine during the day.”

Okay, so the medication is definitely giving you anxiety. Was it the mixture of Adderall, Betamethasone, and Ergotamine, or was it that new drug… Peroproxine?

“Are you feeling anxious right now?” Hyunjin asked in a low voice.

You nodded before mumbling. “A little bit. I don’t know you very well.”

“I’m so sorry, I completely forgot to introduce myself.” Hyunjin chuckled. “Would you like me to tell you a bit about myself?”

You nod, noticing the way Hyunjin smiled at your answer.

“Well, I’m Dr. Hwang Hyunjin. I graduated at the top of my class from Southfield University.” He paused. “My father committed suicide when I was young, so I decided that I was going to study psychology so I could help people struggling with depression. Then I discovered that the medical side of psych would give me the ability to prescribe and help those at a medical level.” Hyunjin chuckled nervously. “You probably don’t want to know about all that though.”

“No, I don’t mind.” You smiled. “I hear about how crazy I am day-in and day-out, so it’s refreshing to hear about someone else.”

Hyunjin frowned. “Do they not give you time to socialize?”

You tucked your hands underneath your thighs, “Well, I get to talk to my therapist. The caretakers don’t like us to socialize with other patients. They said that we could get crazy ideas or something.” You frowned. “I don’t really remember.”

“That’s not normally how things work.” Hyunjin pursed his lips.

“Yeah?” You cocked your head to the side. “How do they normally work?”

“Typically you live in a room with a roommate — someone with a similar mental illness...” Hyunjin trailed off. “But you’d also have meals with the other patients and usually there’s a rec room where you guys can play games and chat.”

You bounced on the bed, eyes filling with excitement as you grabbed Hyunjin’s arm. “We have the gardens!”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but smile at your excitement. “The gardens?”

“The doctor likes pretty things, so he has a big garden in the back of the asylum filled with all sorts of flowers. He has some exotic ones in there that smell really good.” You smiled brightly. “I like to go see the pretty flowers, but we aren’t allowed without our caretakers. Dr. Henry would never go with me.”

So Dr. Henry was your old caretaker... Why did that asshole lie about not knowing your information? He’ll have to look into that later.

“I’ll take you to the gardens as often as you want. I love to look at flowers.” Hyunjin smiled. “Actually do you want to go now?”

You smiled sadly and shook your head. “I’m feeling tired. I want to sleep.”

“That’s fair. You’ve had a big day so far.” Hyunjin smiled. “Can you answer one more question for me?”

You nodded, a smile tugging at your lips when you saw Hyunjin’s boyish grin.

“Thank you. You’re such a big help.” Hyunjin rested his hand on yours. “Do you remember how you got here?”

You closed your eyes, thinking about it for a moment. This was the question you’ve been asked every single day over the past six months. You never had an answer. Your brain only showed you flashes of a van and your cries for help, but the whole memory was foggy and unclear.

Hyunjin paled when he felt your hand shake underneath his. “Hey, hey it’s okay.” He rubbed soothing circles on your back, smiling when you opened your eyes.

“I’m so sorry I don’t remember.” You panicked, tears running down your face. “Please don’t tell them I’m not cooperating. I’m trying my hardest.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Hyunjin’s eyes widened when you crawled into his lap, head resting on his chest as you sobbed. His heart completely shattered with every tear that ran down your face.

He couldn’t imagine being in your position. Everyone at the hospital sucks, you weren’t allowed to talk to anyone, you were being given horrible medication, and to top it off, you had no one you could trust. Hyunjin felt honored that you trusted him enough to be this close to him on the first day.

“Your missing memories aren’t your fault.” Hyunjin ran his fingers through your hair, noticing the way you melted into his touch. “Some stressful experiences are so traumatic, the memories hide in the back of your brain like a shadow. So they can’t be consciously accessed. There are exercises and treatments we could do to retrieve those memories, but for now, I think it’s best that we get to know each other a bit more.”

“I don’t feel safe here.” You sniffled and nuzzled into his chest.

“You shouldn’t.” Hyunjin rubbed your arm, brows creasing as he tried to figure out his next move.

The door slammed open— the loud noise startling the two of you as Minho ran into the room.

“Hyunjin! There’s an emergency. I need your help.”

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sopeyb23-blog · 4 years

Text

Coming Home

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Summary: As Spencer recovers in the hospital OC struggles with being back home

Warnings: Injury, hospitals, anxiety, swearing, angst?

Parings: OC x Spencer Reid

words: 1K +

A/N: still behind on updating so i’ll probably spam today. also, definitely lmk if there is something you want me to put on my warnings or tagging lists, i’m kinda new with all that.

* I don’t own any CM characters.

~~~~~~~~

Part 6

Spencer~

Even in her sleep I could tell how uncomfortable she was being back here. Whenever I used to ask her about why she hated Maine so much she always brushed me off - “i have a history there thats all”- after a few months I decided not to push it anymore. I knew better than anyone that pushing would get you nowhere, she would tell me, in time. Penelope sat in the chair next to my bed with two laptops and her phone out as she tried to communicate with the team from the room. Every few minutes she would look up at me and give me a wide eyed smile before handing me another Jell-o. My favorite.

“Hey Garcia?”

“Yes my dear boy?” I laughed weakly before and looked over at my sleeping girlfriend.

“How hard would it be to convince you to help me sit up?” she laughed at me before stopping abruptly.

“Are you being for real? Oh no. no way. Yeah no way. I don't want to get killed by the sweet baby angle that is about to be my newest best friend. No thank you.” I gave her a pout but agreed. For now I would just have to live with the short glances I got of her when I could get enough strength to briefly lift my head.

“Hey Spencer?” Penelope shut both of her computers to look at me.

“Does she usually do that in her sleep?” immediately I started to panic. The cot was directly across the room from my bed, and with the way my body was positioned I couldn't see whatever the “that” Penelope was referring to was.

“What do you mean? Is she alright? Help me sit up!”

“Woah, woah, woah. Hold on a second, no need to panic, she's not like dying or anything, just twitching. Weirdly.”

“What do you mean weirdly! Like a seizure kind of weird or a muscle twitch Garcia?” I scrambled trying to sit up but the wave of pain that I immediately felt discouraged me.

“Garcia, if you help me sit up, i’ll- i’ll tell you every single detail of how I first met her, and I’ll throw in a new glow in the dark piglet for your desk!” She did a classic sounding ‘Garcia Groan’ but finally grabbed the remote for the bed and tilted me up just enough to see the cot across the room.

I had seen her do this before. We called it her, ‘Holy trinity of anxiety’ - “I was doing it again last night wasn’t I?” “don’t worry about it Soph, it's not a big deal okay?” “will you at least tell me what it is?” “It's just something your body does to cope with the anxiety that you feel even when you are asleep. You only do it when something is really really bothering you, that's how I knew I needed to make you pancakes today”- After the first time I noticed her doing that in her sleep when we started dating, she had done it maybe three times total. The first was when I had just come home from the first case I had taken while we were dating, the second, was the night after she found out her childhood best friend killed himself. Her personal ‘Holy trinity of anxiety’ was when she combined three of her worst nervous tics, all at the same time, while she was sleeping. Her three worst are common ones, but also the hardest to control, leg tapping, cheek biting, and either picking relentlessly at her fingers, or digging her nails into her palms.

This wasn't just because I was shot, this was what she did whenever I mentioned her home here when she was awake. Something happened here. Something so bad that she wouldn't tell me what. I hated it. The not knowing. It was something that I rarely have to deal with. One of the reasons that I constantly like to read and learn is so that I never have to be in a situation where I don't know anything. The only two areas that I was constantly stumped by were social interactions, and my girlfriends past.

Sophie~

When I woke up on the cot in Spencer’s hospital room my first thought was that I must have dreamt it all. As soon as I shook that off after seeing the docks of Portland out the window, my second thought was to really check on Spencer. I had been in such a panic all of yesterday the only real information I was able to retain was that he was shot, but he was alive. Now was time for my medical degree to come in handy.

“Why are you all looking at me like i’m a lost puppy?” As soon as I sat up Penelope closed her computers and Spencer slightly tilted his head and smiled.

“Wait. a damn. Minute” I immediately noticed that Spencer was sitting up and Penelope was trying to cover the bags of dum dum wrappers and empty jello packs at her feet.

“Spencer, who helped you up?”

“Ummmmm, I don't know what you mean?”

“Spencer Reid. For a profiler you are the worst liar in the world. And Penelope, I know you did it, but I don't blame you because I know exactly how persuasive his eyes are” she sighed and gave me a big smile.

“RIght? I mean look at them, it's a crime!” Spencer blushed and looked back at me with a face I had seen plenty of times. It's how he looked at me whenever he promised he would be there for something and had to leave. It was his guilty face.

“Spence, what’s up?”

“I'm just sorry.” my shoulders dropped in response to hearing his voice, much louder and much more normal than last night.

“Baby there's nothing you could have done, we all know that.”

“I know its just, I know how much you hate it here, and I never wanted to worry you so much that you did a sleeping holy trinity, and now i'm afraid that you'll never not see me as hurt, and what if i just become a reminder of the pain you feel, and-” I shut him up by placing a very gentle kiss to his lips as I sometimes did when he went into rants.

“Well, looks like you two have things covered, i'm going to the cafeteria to give the team some updates” Penelope grabbed her purse and phone and left the room with a few excited glances back at us.

“So I was doing a sleeping trinity?”

“Yeah, a bad one”

“Did you tell Garcia about-”

“No, I would never, not unless you want me to.”

“No, the only person who knows i’m here so far is my mom so-.”

“Will you tell me what happened now?”

“Later. I just need to adjust for now” I didn't want him to be disappointed by me not telling him. But I needed time. Well, more time. For now I needed to focus on him, and get both of us out of here. He moved toward the clothes bag I bought for him that was hanging on the edge of his bed.

“And what do you think you're doing?”

“I hate these gowns you know that”

“That does not give you a free pass to move around, here let me help you” I could tell that the slight movement toward the end of the bed was enough to make even Spencer (who always refused pain medication because of his past addiction) want double doses of morphine. He groaned when I helped him take the loose gown down from his shoulders and I expertly guided the large sweatshirt over his head.

“I can do it-”

“Hey, baby, I’m here for a reason, and I've looked at your chart enough to know how bad that shoulder must hurt. No more of your trademarked ‘I'm the brilliant Spencer Reid and I dont need anyones help’ crap, okay?``Eventually he relented and seeing him in his own clothes again brought me a new level of peace that just a few hours ago I thought I would never feel again.

#Criminal Minds #spencer reid #Spencerreid #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #OC #original work #CM #criminalminds #spencer reid fanfiction #fanfiction #injury #Drama

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minhoslut · 4 years

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♡ summary: Y/N is a fairy in a world of magic hating humans, who moves into a house with seven young men after being kicked out of her old dorm. She learns about all their secrets while hiding hers for as long as she can. Lots of parties, games, sex and maybe even love.

♡ pairing: ot7 x fem!reader, fem!reader x various idols

♡ chapter: 1 | 2 | ? |

♡ series warnings: alcohol consumption, blood mention, drug use, mxm, fxf, threesome, foursome, orgy, swearing, anxiety, depression, past trauma, past abuse

♡ series genre: fluff, smut, slight angst

♡ series rating: R

♡ word count: 1515

♡ posted on: AO3

♡ chapter one: new home

♡ A/N: I’ve decided to finally begin putting my work on tumblr as well so that will be happening slowly uwu

You watched the trees going by as the taxi you were riding drove through the forest on a well used dirt road. You were on your way to your new ‘home.’ Really, it was a big house with a bunch of rooms and 7 other occupants who had been looking for a new housemate. You were very nervous, as you had only met 1 of the housemates, since you were so desperate to find somewhere to stay.

Your last home had kicked you out when you were found to be a fairy. It was so unfair, everyone knew magical beings of all kinds existed but humans didn’t want them interfering. Pretty fucked up if you had anything to say about it, but no one cared what a lousy fairy had to say. You had been so careful not to reveal your identity but a so called ‘friend’ of yours had seen you stretching out your wings and immediately set the Council on you.

You had been terrified when the Council had shown up at your door, they had demanded you leave immediately and all but shoved you to the ground threatening to rip off your wings if you stayed. This should have scared you back to your colony in tears of apology and begging forgiveness. Instead it sent you into the next valley, far away from your old home and your old colony. You didn’t want to live in the forest alone, you liked humans and other magical beings but not many shared that thought. Your own colony had sent you away the second you even mentioned talking to a human saying you were tainted.

This time you were determined to keep your magic a secret and be able to live around humans for a long time. You were somewhat addicted to human contact, craving kisses and soft touches from the magicless creatures. You had never really met any other magic beings so you couldn’t compare it to anyone but some lousy male fairies, but human kisses were different. The seemed desperate somehow, so giving and warm, the opposite of a kiss from a male fairy which was anything but pleasant. Female fairy kisses were infinitely better compared to male but they still lacked something, where as kissing humans of any and all genders was electric in a way. The way they put such warmth into their touches was… crazy.

You sighed and shook away your wandering thoughts as you approached the house. You sucked in a breath at the sight of the building. It was truly divine. Old fashioned, built long ago originally, but now tuned up with modern touches while leaving the past features intact. It had large gates at the bottom of the hill it sat on that were propped open, beautiful dark metal gates that further enticed your interest. It had looked beautiful in the pictures, but most of them had been inside, this was breathtaking and almost too good to be true. There’so no way I can blow this! The house is perfect and it’s by the woods away from loud streets. Your heart thumped in anticipation both anxious and excited as the taxi pulled up and came to a halt.

Once all your bags had been unloaded, you thanked the driver and pulled out your phone to send a message to the guy who you had met in preparation to moving in.

Y/N

[ Hello Namjoon! I’m a little later than originally planned but I made it :) ]

Namjoon

[ Okay cool, I’ll come let you in and show you around :) ]

You rocked on your feet as you waited at the door for him, taking in all of the beautiful architecture and wondering what kind of humans lived in the house. Namjoon, the one you had met, was extremely handsome, if a little awkward, and it made you very curious about the 6 others.

The door opened and Namjoon came out to greet you. “Hey (Y/N)! Welcome to the house, the others are out doing grocery shopping but they’ll be back for dinner. I’ll help you take your stuff to your room and then give you a little tour, sound good?” “Yeah, sure!” You looked around as you followed Namjoon who was carrying two of your bags, two more in your own hands. It was more modern inside than it appeared, with a very open concept on the ground floor. “There are 4 bedrooms and one bathroom on the third and second floor. Your room is on the third level, I hope that’s alright.” “That’s perfect, I love being higher up.”

You had been hoping to be on the top floor as soon as you had seen the house, you had always loved being up high. You reached the room and Namjoon opened the door, you followed behind and scanned the room. There was a huge four poster bed with elegant iron connecting it, the sheets were gold and with red accents. A big dresser with a mirror, a side table and chest of drawers that all matched the beds victorian style with dark brown wood. There was also a small chair with matching gold fabric and a coffee table in the same wood as everything else. It was so beautiful.

Namjoon put your bags down and turned to you. “I’ll grab the last two bags, you get settled a little and then we can go on the tour.” You hummed in agreement and began moving the bags over to the dresser and chest of drawers. Not wanting to start unpacking quite yet you sat on the bed, which was heavenly soft. Namjoon was back now and gestured for you to follow him. “The others on this floor are Yoongi, Taehyung, and Jungkook. Jimin, Jin, Hoseok and myself are on the floor below.” He explained pointing to doors and assigning names of your other housemates.

“Down here on the ground floor there is another bathroom, the den, which is mostly used for gaming, the dining room, the pong hall, entry room, and living room and the kitchen.” The kitchen was victorian styled with very modern appliances and a bar closing it off from the rest of the open space. The bathroom was beside the kitchen, and beside that, a door that lead outside to some kind of deck. The den was in a semi-rounded section beside the so called ‘pong hall’ that was home to a long wooden table covered in solo cups. The entry room has two huge racks for shoes and then opens into the living room on one side and the dining room with a huge wooden table that is before the bar of the kitchen.

You scanned layout and sighed, this was really a lucky opportunity for you, you needed to keep it. “We don’t have that many rules but I’ll tell you them now. 1. Always knock. 2. 100$ per person is put towards groceries, we all go at the beginning of the month together. 3. Anything without a name on it is free game, in terms of food and drink, if you want it safe, label it. 4. I told you this before you moved in but we throw a lot of parties, like at least three a week. 5. Everyone keeps their own room clean and everyone helps clean up after parties, other than that there’s a chart for chores that you sign up for each week. There’s not much else but don’t be shy about asking questions.” “Alright noted, Namjoon. Thank you for everything!”

“Oh! One more thing there’s a hot tub and pool in the back deck out that door.” You could cry, you loved water so much it was a main source of your magic. Namjoon disappeared into his room after walking you back up to yours to let you unpack. You began putting your clothes away and tucking jewelry into boxes on top of the dresser. You wanted nothing more than to run into the woods and stretch out your wings but you couldn’t risk that on your first day, so you just finished up unpacking and decided to change out of your moving clothes, which had been a black cropped hoodie and matching sweatpants.

You wanted to be comfortable but still look cute to meet the other housemates, so you put on black leggings, an oversized white turtleneck cinched in with a double buckle belt. You brushed your hair and surveyed your look. Happy with it, you laid on the bed to scroll on social media until the others came home.

You heard them coming before the door even opened, talking about what to have for dinner. Peeking out the window, you surveyed the group, now finding out that the other 6 housemates were also attractive men. You hadn’t expected to be the only woman in the house, not that you minded, but you were surprised that they had wanted a woman in the house. Maybe no guys had applied? You shrugged and stopped your analyzing, turning and heading downstairs to meet your housemates.

#bts x reader #bangtanhq #bts polyamory #min yoongi #bts #kim seokjin #park jimin #kim namjoon #kim taehyung #jung hoseok #jeon jungkook #everything is not what it seems

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wondroussimmer-blog · 5 years

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GET TO KNOW ME-

Basically, no one actually tagged me in this, but I thought i’d give it a go anyway seeing as this is a new blog and you guys can get to now me a bit, so I tag anyone who sees this and also wants to have a go...

________________________________________________________________

1. What is your full name? I’m not putting my last name on here, but my first name is Maja (Miya) 2. What is your nickname? I don’t really have one 3. Birthday? January 1st 4. What is your favourite book series? I don’t really read book series’ 5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Not 100% sure, I don’t believe in the sort of ghosts you see in films, but I think I believe our loved ones stay with us in some way. As for aliens, idk, we can’t be the only life but idk. 6. Who is your favourite author? I find the fault in our stars quite overrated, but i’d say John Green because some of his others are my favourites! 7. What is your favourite radio station? BBC Radio 1 8. What is your favourite flavour of anything? this is such a weird question, how can you have a favourite flavour for everything? but if it’s sweet, definitely strawberry! 9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Again, weird question, but i use so many words for this, my most used are probably lovely and amazing 10. What is your current favourite song? this changes alll the time, but right this minute it’s probably sunflower by post malone and swae lee 11. What is your favourite word? is this a thing? 12. What was the last song you listened to? vacation by hippo campus 13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? big mouth, orphan black, queer eye, dexter 14. What is your favourite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? the breakfast club or mean girls probably 15. Do you play video games? only the sims 16. What is your biggest fear? probably the death of people close to me, and in the future not being able to have children 17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? probably that i’m a friendly person 18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? i’m v insecure 19. Do you like cats or dogs better? DOGS... always dogs! 20. What is your favourite season? autumn/winter 21. Are you in a relationship? yes 22. What is something you miss from your childhood? having way more friends and barely any responsibilities 23. Who is your best friend? my boyfriend 24. What is your eye colour? blue 25. What is your hair colour? brown 26. Who is someone you love? my boyfriend and family 27. Who is someone you trust? my boyfriend and closest family 28. Who is someone you think about often? okay wow, so much variety in these answers but the same as the previous two answers 29. Are you currently excited about/for something? christmas and my birthday 30. What is your biggest obsession? probably sims 31. What was your favourite TV show as a child? Probably Tracy beaker or that’s so raven 32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? my boyfriend 33. Are you superstitious? only slightly 34. Do you have any unusual phobias? cracking knuckles, moths (but only indoors), realistic looking mannequins and gas masks... so not much 35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behind, every single time 36. What is your favourite hobby? playing sims, graphic designing, video editing 37. What was the last book you read? The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks 38. What was the last movie you watched? Muppet’s Christmas Carol 39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? I play a bit of guitar and can play the mr bean theme song on piano if that counts 40. What is your favourite animal? dogs 41. What are your top 5 favourite Tumblr blogs that you follow? I definitely have more than 5 42. What superpower do you wish you had? be able to teleport and go invisible 43. When and where do you feel most at peace? probably at home with my boyfriend 44. What makes you smile? sorry if this is becoming a boring answer... but my boyfriend! also my dog :) 45. What sports do you play, if any? I don’t at the moment, but I have done tennis, dance (ballet, tap and modern), swimming, karate, speed skating and netball 46. What is your favourite drink? water... how boring ik 47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Last month, I made my boyfriend a scrap book as one of my boyfriend’s presents for our anniversary and wrote some letters as part of it 48. Are you afraid of heights? not if it’s a secure height 49. What is your biggest pet peeve? I have wayyy too many and so many grammatical ones, I absolutely hate when people incorrectly use was and were, so if someone said ‘we was going’, I think it’s quite an essex thing but I hateeee it, I can’t stand bad grammar, but also slow walkers, people who walk through the door without looking behind them to hold the door open for people behind, other drivers not indicating, people that have to be louder than everyone else, people that chew with their mouths open... basically I have a lot and this list could go on and on and on 50. Have you ever been to a concert? I’ve seen all time low, the 1975, imagine dragons, sunset sons, ed sheeran and paramore in concert so far and i’m seeing panic! at the disco in march which i’m MEGA excited about!!! 51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? vegetarian 52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? This would change all the time, it went from radio dj, to dancer, to teacher when I was really young, then architect when I was a teenager, and now it’s clinical psychologist which i’m slowly working towards 53. What fictional world would you like to live in? I’ve not got a clue 54. What is something you worry about? EVERYTHING! I get a lot of social anxiety, so basically whenever i’m out of the house i’m worrying about absolutely everything and it’s the worst and gets me super down, so yeah, love that 55. Are you scared of the dark? okay so I don’t like leaving the dark, i’m fine being in the dark but I hate when i’m home alone and have to turn the lights off in the living room, kitchen and hall to go to bed... if that makes sense 56. Do you like to sing? i’m someone that, at home, is constantly singing, and when it’s only my boyfriend around, if one of us says a sentence that can in some way relate to a song, i’ll immediately sing it, but I suck so I won’t ever sing in public 57. Have you ever skipped school? in school I faked being ill a few times to get off of school, but in uni i’ve skipped way too many lectures over the past 3 years 58. What is your favourite place on the planet? I absolutely adore Spain, but also Belgrade (i’m half Serbian) 59. Where would you like to live? If not my current home town, i’d love to one day live somewhere like Norway or Sweden 60. Do you have any pets? yep, i’ve got a french bulldog 61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? I wake up pretty early, but I hate to start the day early 62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunsets. 63. Do you know how to drive? Yep 64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? the sound of headphones but I normally use earbuds 65. Have you ever had braces? nope, thank god 66. What is your favourite genre of music? this really ranges from charts, to indie rock, to ‘former emo kid’, to early 2000s r&b, to musical theatre 67. Who is your hero? probably my boyfriend 68. Do you read comic books? no 69. What makes you the most angry? as we’ve already gathered, I have a lot of pet peeves, so a lot! 70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?a real book! 71. What is your favourite subject in school? I currently study psychology which has been my favourite subject since A levels, but during GCSEs I enjoyed maths 72. Do you have any siblings? 1 younger brother 73. What was the last thing you bought? some christmas presents for my boyfriend’s cousins 74. How tall are you? 5ft4 75. Can you cook? yes 76. What are three things that you love? spending time with people I love, travelling, collecting photos 77. What are three things that you hate? busy places, cheats, confrontation 78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? I actually barely have any so this is kind of hard to answer 79. What is your sexual orientation? straight 80. Where do you currently live? England 81. Who was the last person you texted? my mum 82. When was the last time you cried? I’m not actually sure, which is funny because I cry all the time and super easily 83. Who is your favourite YouTuber? I have so many: in terms of sims: lilsimsie, urbansims, sophsims, simkim, plumbella, in terms of lifestyle: louise pentland, in terms of fashion and beauty: samantha maria, tati westbrook, busybee carys, patricia bright, antonio garza, and others: shane dawson, sarah baska, kendall rae, jaackmaate, and loads more! basically, if i’m not on tumblr, i’m on youtube, if i’m not on youtube i’m playing sims, and if i’m not on sims i’m on tumblr... 84. Do you like to take selfies? rarely 85. What is your favourite app? any social media 86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? fab 87. What is your favourite foreign accent? Australian and Scottish 88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? I have so many but I won’t bore you with another long list, so just a few: Sweden, South Africa, Iceland and Canada 89. What is your favourite number? 1 90. Can you juggle? no 91. Are you religious? I was baptised but don’t really consider myself religious 92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? both as interesting as the other 93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? not really 94. Are you allergic to anything? no 95. Can you curl your tongue? yep, one of my weird ‘party tricks’ is I can actually curl it 180 degrees 96. Can you wiggle your ears? no 97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? not as often as I should 98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? probably the forest 99. What is your favourite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?my dad probably gives the best life advice but there’s too much to put here 100. Are you a good liar? It depends 101. What is your Hogwarts House? Hufflepuff 102. Do you talk to yourself? All the time 103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? I N T R O V E R T, i’m so introverted to the point I hate it but seriously struggle to change it 104. Do you keep a journal/diary? no but I have in the past 105. Do you believe in second chances? it depends 106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Hand it in 107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? It depends 108. Are you ticklish? VERY 109. Have you ever been on a plane? manyyyy times 110. Do you have any piercings? nope, I have but not anymore 111. What fictional character do you wish was real? no idea 112. Do you have any tattoos? nope 113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? I’m really not sure 114. Do you believe in karma? to an extent, but at the same time bad things seem to happen to good people, sooooo 115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? neither 116. Do you want children? yes 117. Who is the smartest person you know? my cousin 118. What is your most embarrassing memory? omg my whole life is filled with embarrassing memories that I seem to always remember at the most inconvenient times or when i’m about to go to sleep that just haunt me out of nowhere...fun 119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? yes 120. What colour are most of you clothes? black or white 121. Do you like adventures? yep 122. Have you ever been on TV? no 123. How old are you? 20 - nearly 21 124. What is your favourite quote? not really sure. 125. Do you prefer sweet or savoury foods? sweet

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jasondilts · 5 years

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When the Time is On You...

When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.

That’s one of the 5 sutras for the Aquarian Age that Yogi Bhajan gave us, axioms for how we could live successfully in uncertain times. As exciting as it sounds to be alive during the time of a great shift, it’s also downright confusing and a bit scary. These words were given to us as a map for how to survive, but also to thrive. After all, we aren’t here to just buckle up for whatever bumpy ride someone else wants to take us on. We can and we should be writing our own destiny.

But there’s the second season of Making a Murder on Netflix, the new iPhone we need to stand in line for 4 hours to buy, that guy on Tinder who wants to meet up, this psychedelically immersive 4-D art show to check out, and the new vegan soul food place downtown. All of that must be done first…

Sound familiar? Your proclivities may be different from mine and perhaps you find other distractions, but most of us really aren’t living up to the full capacity of who we came here to be. That must change.

Perhaps the greatest promise of the Aquarian Age is the notion that we are in control of what happens to us. We are the masters of our own fortune. No longer do we have to be at the effects of others nor are we held back by a lack of access to information. We are free, if we want.

At least that’s what my friend said it one of his rock songs. I think he’s spot on. We have to decide that we want to start living up to our potential. When we aren’t, we feel a lot of weight.

I’ve been thinking about this particular sutra a lot lately, mostly because I feel a lot of pressure and I haven’t exactly been in “start” mode. I moved to Los Angeles 5 years ago, a driving force behind my relocation being the promise of living in a city full of creatives. I’d long wanted to write a novel, but I felt I didn’t have the experience to do so. I figured I needed to take writing classes, learn more about the craft, surround myself with fellow writers, and be close to the proximity of power players in Hollywood to be successful at writing. Eventually, I found my way to all of that. The one thing I didn’t do though was the only action that really matters: actually START WRITING.

I had lot of excuses…really good excuses. Exciting excuses!

At first, I got bogged down by the office politics of my day job and decompressed with a glass or four of Merlot after work. I told myself that I’d write once things got more stable in my department. A year and a half later, I was successful in my role of being an event manager, but massively failing at being a writer—simply because I was drinking wine when I could have been writing! Or going on hikes, or going to museums, or seeing my favorite indie band at a concert, or sun bathing at the beach, or binge-watching Scandal or whatever fill in the blank distraction I’d pursue every hour I wasn’t at working. I was having loads of fun, but something inside me was festering.

At first there was this lingering suspicion that I should be writing instead of whatever I was doing. Then I started to wonder if I would ever write again. That created within me a gnawing thought that perhaps I would not, which soon turned into a constant worry that I would be forced to always work jobs I hated. I saw my writing talent as a golden ticket out of being a slave to the 9-to-5 life.

While I wasn’t showing up to write, I was showing up to kundalini yoga class—5 or 6 times a week! I learned early on in my practice that the technology of kundalini yoga and meditation allow us to re-write our destiny, both how we experience the moment of the day and what we can attract on a larger scale. That first year in Los Angeles, kundalini is what anchored me into my potential. I wasn’t showing up fully yet, but each time I’d go to class I was growing in ways I didn’t totally comprehend. All that kundalini yoga eventually gave me the gall to quit my job to pursue something more in line with my passions: working at a spiritual community center.

When I started this new adventure, I thought that my new business partner and I were going to write a book and get a TV show made. Finally, I could be creative! Then came the obstacles…

My first day on the job all but one person on our staff quit and I realized the organization was in debt up to its ears. We were in serious jeopardy of being shut down within a few months. Suddenly I had to summon all the experience I’d garnered in the political and non-profit world to create revenue streams, organization charts, job descriptions, cash flow spreadsheets, and budget forecasts. In an 80 hour-work week, there truly was no time to write, or so I told myself. I soon figured out how to make ends meet for the business, and the team we built was rock-solid at running the place. Under the most challenging and daunting of circumstances, we were persisting with success. Yet I was angry inside—viscerally upset at myself for not figuring out how to do all that was on my plate and write. The silver lining for my desire to create was that the TV show we were working on was inching toward becoming a reality. That didn’t quite satisfy me, though, because the show would never be my creation. When you’re a writer you know that you have a responsibility to bring forward your own words to light up the world you see. You can’t find true satisfaction within the framework of someone else’s vision.

That realization gnawed insistently, coaxing me to START, inviting me to ease the pressure. But instead I kept on not writing.

For the next two years, I was the executive director of the organization and also ran several Airbnb rentals. I maybe wrote like 2 blog posts during that time. The rest of my words were for delicately crafted e-mails, intricately thought-through job roles, and explaining to Airbnb guests how to turn on the lights. There was a lot of forward momentum in my life and the work I was doing.

Then it all stopped.

The TV show didn’t get picked up, though we did get one Real Housewife away from a network season! Soon thereafter it became apparent that our organization was going to close. When we did finally shutter, this strange quiet took hold. I had other sources of income by that time that didn’t require my fulltime focus, and for the first time ever I had no excuse not to write. The time was on me and I needed to start. This Aquarian sutra apparently doesn’t know how to quit me.

Well, 18 months later I still haven’t started. I’ve tried. I created elaborate outlines for multiple books. I even wrote entire chapters. I started on concepts, scrapped them altogether, and then began something different. But I haven’t written a novel yet, and I’m not anywhere close. I run a successful business today, but I feel like I massively suck at being self-employed because I should have used this time to write my book. On a more fundamental level, I feel like I massively suck at being alive because I’m not putting my energy toward the reality I know I need to create.

Looking back, I can see that I actually expended a lot of energy over the past 5 years NOT working on what I knew I needed to start. All of the circumstances that arose to “prevent” me from writing were really just manifestations of self-doubt that I called in. When we don’t do what we are here to accomplish, we create something else in its place. Usually that something will hold us back as powerfully as fulfilling our mission could propel us forward.

My creation is a massive complex of anxiety and social-phobia. For the past 18 months I’ve been crippled with nervousness, worry, and unease. The slightest obstacle becomes a mountain of distress. I still go to class all the time, I go to the gym daily, and I hike a lot, but I avoid social situations as much as possible. I have this weird phobia of interacting with people. I go out in public all the time, but I do so in this impenetrable bubble. I wear an energetic cloak that puts out this gnarly “don’t talk to me” energy. I use my iPhone as a shield of having to engage with anyone. I get out of conversation as quickly as possible. It’s a strange dystopia for someone who ran a political party and 8 years ago had ambitions to be mayor of a large city. For the longest time I wondered why I had retreated so far into my own shadow. Then during a meditation recently, it hit me right in my third-eye: I avoid being around people because I have nothing of worth to say. I’m not doing anything creative with my life and so I don’t have anything of value to bring to a connection or a conversation. That has to stop and it needs to stop by STARTING something worth talking about.

There was a partial eclipse this past weekend that amplified any actions we took. So, I wrote. I still can’t get into writing a novel, but I got into writing this. I am really into writing about how we can successfully circumnavigate these strange times. I’m taking at least a small step toward “starting” something by putting together this simple Tumblr blog where I’ll muse about what I learn as we collectively navigate this Aquarian shift. I already made one post before writing this and the plan is to do a few a week. I’m fortunate enough to live in a city where I can easily find the teachings of kundalini yoga and where conscious community is basically mainstream. This blog is a bridge to the rest of the world, and hopefully a way for me to learn more about the energies and activities that are happening in other places as we all level-up!

Besides, Tumblr banned porn last month so I figured it was a good time to fill up this space with something more productive J.

No matter where you are, stasis is our worst enemy; so too is stasis’ best friend, elliptical motion. We never really want to grow or change anything, but every now and then we’ll eke out a victory by kicking a habit or starting a new routine. In my own life I’ve noticed that overtime I get comfortable in familiarity, though, and activities that were once growth become a circle of the sameness rather than a climb to a higher level. Right now, I know that the time is on me to write. That must become my new pattern—the action of each day doing something to advance my writing. I hope the pressure is soon off!

More than that, though, I hope these words serve you. What aren’t you starting? What pressure are you feeling? Do you think that if you stopped making excuses or creating distractions that the pressure could soon be off?

We’re in this Aquarian shift together so let’s START acting like we’re in charge of our own destiny so we can all be there more fully for each other!

#kundaliniyoga #Kundalini #meditation #aquarianshift #ageofaquarius #aquarius #writing #aquariansutra #yogibhajan

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eldritchsurveys · 6 years

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o82.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you just wanted to be alone? What about the last time you really wanted to be around people? >> I don’t remember the last time I wanted either of these things consciously... like, they might be vague thoughts or feelings floating around in my headspace, but I don’t always focus on them. Also, I’m never alone, technically, so I guess there’s that.

2. Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? >> Yeah, sure, I used to walk to bodegas and shit in NYC in pajamas quite often. There’s really no point in changing if I’m just walking down the street to get a 40 or a sandwich, like... Also, the only dress requirement for leaving the house in a casual sense is to just be decent -- bits covered, you know. The idea that one must wear a certain kind of clothing in order to be seen outside of one’s domicile isn’t necessarily true. (Now, if I were going to a specific venue that did have a specific mode of dress -- a certain kind of event, say, or a government office, or something, then yes, I would wear the appropriate clothing. But like, no one in your local corner store cares how the fuck you’re dressed as long as you’re dressed.)

3. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? >> The only things that are always present with me when I leave the house, no matter where I’m going, are the standard PKW (phone, keys, wallet) and my lip balm. (If it’s daytime, then also sunglasses.)

4. If you were to go on a picnic, what type of setting would you prefer, what types of food would you bring, and would you bring anyone along with you? >> Honestly, anywhere somewhat nature-y is good as far as location is concerned, even if it’s just a municipal park or a place like Union Square (which isn’t a park so much as it’s a... like, town-square kind of construct). I guess the food I’d bring would just be anything portable and easy to eat without needing a table (sandwiches are always good, of course, but even something like a plate from the hot-food spread at Whole Foods is good, I’ve picnicked with that). A lot of my outdoor eating escapades have been alone, so like, it doesn’t matter who’s with me, I guess. Anyone who wants to come.

5. What is one song you feel as though you sing particularly well, if any? >> Guaranteed by Eddie Vedder. I think Eddie and I have a lot of vocal similarities. Which is good, because I love him and his voice. :p

6. Have you ever kept a mood chart or anything like that? Did it help you pick up any useful patterns in your moods? >> I’ve never tried to keep a chart of them, no, especially since I’m not sure what half of my feelings even are, when I do have them.

7. What was the last lengthy task you completed? >> The survey I took yesterday. :p

8. Do you look toward the future or focus more on the here and now? Are you good at being in the moment, or do you always feel drawn to worrying about other things? >> I do a lot better when I only have the present to focus on. It kinda glitches me to think about the future too much, not because of anxiety or anything, but just because it kind of doesn’t make sense to me. I can think about the future in entirely abstract terms, like for the sake of argument or flights of fancy, but not in any concrete sense. It is the greatest great unknown, and I’ve never had any success trying to manipulate it or understand myself through it. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing (or who I will be) in the next hour, and people want me to think about months and years into the future?! Wild. I also think that the way I’ve lived the past decade-plus before moving here made thinking about the future really difficult for me, because I was really living from day to day. When I’m concerned about where I’m going to sleep from night to night, planning for a future seems like a luxury rather than a fact of life. But also, I guess... I just like to focus on what I’m doing right now. I like to be present here. I have a pretty deep-set confidence that the future will take care of itself as long as I take care of the present, but if I focus too much on the future then I will have missed the plot entirely. I feel more secure when I focus on the present. It is the only point in time in which I truly exist.

9. What does it mean to you to have empathy? Do you think you’re an empathetic person? >> I’m not really sure what empathy means anymore, to be honest. I definitely don’t consider myself an empathetic person, by any of the definitions that I’ve heard. I think I can empathise with fictional characters, because I’m a storyteller and jumping into the heads of characters is kind of integral to telling honest stories... but actual people in front of me, not so much. (Characters are a lot less complex by design, anyway. Kind of like the difference between Sims and people -- Sims’ needs and motivations are pretty obvious and predictable, whereas people are... wild cards, a lot of the time.)

10. What was the last thing you did that was particularly selfish? What about selfLESS? >> I’m really not sure.

11. What is something about your life that is currently beyond your control? >> The weather, lmao. I’m watching it get real cloudy real fast and I’m like “but... I want the sun... :(” The weather don’t care what I want. ... Annnnnd it just started raining. Pfft.

12. What is one small thing you could do to change about your life for the better? >> Eating healthier is always the top option. I mean, I don’t eat badly or anything, it’s just that there’s always improvement to be made in that area. But I also understand that obsessing over my consumption is actually just as counterproductive, so I try not to make a big deal out of it, and just enjoy what I’m eating. We all gotta die of something anyway, I guess. It might as well taste good, or else what is really even the point.

13. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? >> I like urban photography -- not necessarily shiny cityscapes, but more like... street-level urban, like of old abandoned buildings and back alleys and people sitting on stoops and just city life. I like various landscapes, especially deserts/tundras, and marshes and complex ecosystems. And I like photography that evokes certain Moods(tm), whether it be because of the content or because of the lighting or the framing or... whatever. It’s definitely that “I know it when I see it” kind of thing. I don’t really take photos of anything except myself and random things I want to show people, I guess.

14. Have you ever gone out for the black friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? >> I have never been shopping on Black Friday, but I have been just out and about while it was happening. I don’t really care for that kind of thing -- I like the sales and stuff, but I don’t like the mad rush. It just makes me feel kinda... alienated, like, in a “this is what life is?” kind of way. Just a deeply personal feeling, nothing against the whole concept.

15. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? >> I do enjoy reading those things, and I wish I had more of them, but the ones that were on paper have been lost for a long time and a lot of the internet sites I used in the beginning are no longer active and the content has been lost (or I can’t find it anymore). My old deviantART accounts are pretty much the oldest content of mine that still exists on the internet in a form that I can access, and although a lot of that stuff is definitely amusing, I can’t imagine finding it embarrassing.

16. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? >> Drawing, maybe? I don’t know. My most recently developed one is probably MMO gaming.

17. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat // cold, etc? & when was the last time you felt especially cranky? >> I’m not sure, since keeping track of my moods isn’t something I really do with any success or skill. Maybe sensory overload -- that’s always a reliable mood-tanker, and a lot of my inexplicable moodiness/mental exhaustion can probably be attributed to just being overloaded. The last time I felt cranky was last evening, and I’m not sure why, but it probably had something to do with being frustrated about Dragon Age Inquisition being broken and then like... some low-grade dissatisfaction with life or something. Nothing worth making a mountain out of.

18. What are some ways you deal with stress? Are these healthy or helpful to you? >> Distraction is usually my method. Playing video games, watching tv or youtube, slam-dunking myself into a pile of plushies, making origami stars and listening to music, that sort of thing. And yeah, I think distracting myself from stress is pretty healthy for me, since it lowers the cortisol and enables me to approach whatever is stressing me out later on without the heightened emotional response. (Although, also, a fair amount of my stress isn’t based on anything that’s solvable or like... worth even giving attention, so the distraction enables me to refocus my energies onto something actually worth doing, so then later I can just be like “lmao that wasn’t even a big deal” and go on with my life.)

19. What advice, if any, would you give someone else in your situation? >> I’m not sure what situation I’m in, lmao.

20. In general, are you the type to feel comfortable giving advice? Has anyone ever come to you for advice and you had no idea what to tell them? >> I feel comfortable giving it if it’s an area I feel experienced or skilled in. Otherwise I’ll just flat-out say that I don’t have any advice, or point them to someone that might.

21. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? >> Definitely college, I can’t even... like, fathom college. What is college even like??? All I have to go by is movies and shit, lmao. I’ve not been married yet, so that’ll be a new experience (although I strongly suspect it won’t be too much different from being unmarried, aside from getting accustomed to using a different set of words to describe my relationship). I have no experience in not being poor, since I’ve never not been poor. This is the most not-poor I’ve felt, but like, that’s not because of anything that’s changed in my personal finances. I just live in a cooperative household.

22. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? >> I don’t know, really. I don’t do a whole lot of complaining unless it’s a quick vent and then I move on (or unless someone I’m talking to is bitching about something and I’m like “OMG SAME” and we have a little bitchfest lmao). I don’t really like to focus on stuff like that.

23. Besides money, what is something you would like to have more of in your life? >> Meatspace socialisation.

24. What types of blogs do you like to follow? If you have a tumblr, how has your blogging style changed over the years, if at all? >> I follow over 900 blogs, I don’t even know what my “type” is. I just follow whatever looks good at the time, and then unfollow if I get bored of the content or whatever. I think my blogging style has changed in the sense that I’m not as... talkative? I used to make a lot more text posts on my personal and then I kind of just... stopped. I’m trying to get back into it lately, varying up my content, appearing more like a person instead of just a reblog bot.

25. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? >> I don’t, because I... I don’t know, executive dysfunction, I guess. Also, like... I don’t have the stuff I want, like the kind of dishes I like, etc, and the kitchen is small and disorganised and usually I just want to get out of it as quickly as possible and yeah, I can’t be bothered with making my food look nice when I can barely be bothered with making food, period. I do like presentation and all of that, I think it’s great and definitely adds to the joy of eating. It’s just... not something I can do right now.

26. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? >> I don’t remember. I don’t think I’m especially rude in general, I’m just straightforward and I think people prefer sweeter tones or whatever. I’d rather put my social energy into saying what I mean rather than saying it in a way that makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy, or whatever, I don’t know. It’s just not a priority of mine to sound “nice”. It’s never been. I don’t remember the last time someone was rude to me, mostly because I forget shit like that really easily. It’s low on the importance scale.

27. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? >> It’s really hard to get me to lose my temper completely, which is good, because I already give an aggressive impression -- imagine what it’s like when I’m actually feeling aggressive. I’ve definitely done things that I would rather not have done when I’m angry, which is another reason why it’s good I don’t get angry often.

28. What has stood out about this day in particular? Has this day been an average day in terms of what you usually experience? >> Well, it’s still only 11a. That random two-minute rain was interesting (it’s now partly-cloudy again), but that’s it so far, really. This is a pretty average day.

29. How would you describe your current mood? Do you experience a lot of highs and lows or are your moods relatively stable? What is the most your mood has changed in a day? >> My mood is my normal baseline, which is... no mood. Like, I really don’t have a mood most of the day, unless something specific happens to change it. I kind of exist in a comfortable greyness most of the time, with little spikes here and there.

30. Do you remember what it was that got you into taking surveys in the first place, or why you initially decided to stick with them? Where did you originally start out taking surveys? Are there any blogs you recommend (lol, I’m always looking for more surveys!)? >> Man, I have noooo idea. It was over 10 years ago by now, so surveys really just feel like a permanent fixture in my life. I think I first took them on MySpace? That seems likely. And I’m in the same boat as you, I think, lmao -- I just take the ones in the tag or on LJ or whatever the “random” function on Bzoink gives me that isn’t terrible (there are so many bad surveys on that site lmfao).

#surveys #survey #random survey

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riichardwilson · 4 years

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A Corona Xmas: Why physical stores will power online shopping this holiday season

A burning question this holiday season is whether people will return to physical stores or buy substantially everything online? The Mary Meeker formulation is: what percentage of retail spending will move online? But that binary “brick and mortar vs. e-commerce” narrative is crude and fails to appreciate the role stores play in driving online sales.

Indeed, a more interesting question is to what degree traditional retailers will be able to leverage physical stores for competitive advantage in their battle with Amazon and other pure play e-tailers? In the past, retailers with stores and e-commerce have treated them as entirely distinct channels, with different P&Ls and separate operational teams. Only recently have major retailers recognized how stores and e-commerce support one another and started to integrate those efforts (e.g., curbside pickup and seeing physical stores as ready-built distribution centers).

The dominant working assumption is that almost all holiday shopping will happen online and that stores will play a limited or secondary role. That would flip the script in terms of dollar volume compared with past years. Yet, even if the majority of buying happens online, the presence of local stores will factor significantly into consumer decision-making.

Will Prime Day kill Cyberweek?

Shoppers this holiday season are likely to be budget conscious, more selective and less impulsive than last year – especially if most shopping is done online, where browsing and spontaneous buying are typically less likely.

A Numerator survey of 2,000 adults asking about Labor Day shopping intentions could be predictive of future holiday shopping behavior. The survey found 49% of consumers said they would be spending less than last year; only 6% expected to spend more.

From this we can extrapolate – unless there’s dramatic improvement in the economy – that holiday shoppers will be more selective and value conscious than last year. That will mean pervasive discounting with a side of free shipping to coax shoppers to buy. Yet retailers have been discounting for months to boost online sales, so consumers may need even more incentives.

In the realm of online advertising, we’re likely to see aggressive competition among retail marketers for visibility at both top and bottom of the funnel. And it’s all likely to happen much earlier this year, as retailers seek any advantage to rise above the competitive noise. As this week’s IAB data suggested, Google and Facebook are likely to be the direct beneficiaries of this increased digital ad spending.

Black Friday, Cyber Monday and related shopping holidays will potentially see less concentrated purchase volume this year. Amazon Prime Day is reportedly coming in October, which will mean competitors will also be making an early promotional push at the same time. That event may take the wind out of the traditional Cyberweek sales if people spend their money early.

Hunger for normal shopping, but also fear

The Black Friday in-store experience, if it happens, is going to be very muted compared to past years. Roughly half of consumers express a fear of catching COVID while in a store, according to a new multi-country consumer survey from in-store marketing agency solutions company Mood Media.

Most people say they still won’t go to the mall

Source: Morning Consult consumer survey August 2020, n=2,200 consumers

Pent-up consumer demand for retail normalcy and fear co-exist in the U.S. In countries where the pandemic has subsided, consumers are returning to stores. The Mood Media survey found that 71% of global respondents said they now felt comfortable going back into stores. This was to some degree contingent upon retailer safety precautions.

The survey also found that 67% of global shoppers had already returned to non-essential retail stores; the figure in the U.S. was 60%. This seems to contradict other survey data showing widespread concern. Only 10% said they “would never go back” to their old habits (presumably traditional retail shopping) after the pandemic is over.

As indicated, a large percentage of American consumers still express anxiety about going into retail stores. A late-August Morning Consult survey found that only 36% of consumers were willing to visit a shopping mall in the next 2 – 3 months. And if consumers act in accordance with those attitudes, stores will see considerably less foot traffic than last year.

Discount in-store shopping has recovered

Source: Gravy Analytics foot traffic data

Foot traffic, ‘touch and feel’

Foot traffic data from Gravy Analytics shows, however, that discount stores and outlet malls have recovered better than department stores and traditional malls, as value-conscious consumers return in greater numbers to those in-person venues. As the chart above reflects, foot traffic for these two categories is at or above early February level before the lockdowns. However, department store foot traffic is down 15% and conventional malls are off 12%.

Past research has established why many consumers prefer shopping in physical stores (including Gen Z). According to the Mood Media survey consumers appreciate:

The ability to touch, feel and try the product — 47%

The convenience of taking the purchase home instantly — 47%

The ability to browse and discover new things — 36%

According to a separate study, 62% of shoppers are more likely to make e-commerce purchases if they can return the item in a local store. (And once there they tend to make additional purchases.)

This is the key point and a source of advantage for traditional retailers that sell online. Target and BestBuy, for example, reported triple digital e-commerce growth in the second quarter. But that was fueled in no small measure by the presence of stores.

The agnostic, ‘ROBO-BOPIS’ shopper

Beyond direct e-commerce, many shoppers are likely to use the internet as a tool to find products locally and help minimize time spent in stores. BOPIS and curbside pickup work to provide the immediate (or near-immediate) gratification of in-store shopping with the convenience and efficiency of online shopping. Shoppers can get the product locally today (and potentially return it tomorrow) without having to browse the aisles and locate the product on the self.

Bazaarvoice released a report showing that consumers are now more focused on shopping at local stores (read: SMB), whether online or off. It also reflects that the internet is playing a much larger role in offline shopping than ever. While people have been doing online research before buying locally since the early days of the internet, large majorities are now doing it — research online, buy offline (ROBO).

Beyond looking for directions, business hours or product and service reviews, this online-to-offline activity also shows up in product inventory checks. In 2019, according to a Google sponsored survey, 46% of shoppers confirmed inventory online before going into a store. In the midst of the lockdowns, Google reported that searches using the phrase “in stock” increased more than 70% during April. And while this includes online retailers, it’s aimed especially at local stores.

In this anxious environment, consumers don’t want to waste time or visit stores on the off chance they’ll find what they’re looking for. That’s why inventory data could be a difference-maker, whether in the form of Local Inventory Ads (LIAs) or product-specific landing pages for in-demand items.

Local ads and ‘showrooming’

In addition to LIAs, location-based mobile display ads generate store visits — and e-commerce sales. A 2019 study by Numerator and GroundTruth reported that 66% of those exposed to location-based display ad campaigns ultimately made a purchase in-store or online. Roughly 28% of that group bought from a competitor online or in a store. But among those going into stores, a whopping 94% made a purchase. The campaigns were for major retailers in three verticals: beauty, home improvement and mass merchandise.

Perhaps most interestingly, mobile users shown the campaigns were “25% more likely to make a purchase from that retailer online than those that are not shown an ad.” In other words, the ad promoting a local retail offer, generated online sales.

This illustrates the interdependency and symbiotic relationship of stores and e-commerce. Consumers are increasingly agnostic about whether they buy online or locally. But make no mistake, stores are critical in this equation.

Familiar brands and the presence of physical stores give people confidence to make online purchases, which they can then return locally if necessary. And in a post-COVID retail landscape, merchants may come think of their stores primarily as “showrooms” and fulfillment centers, where consumers can touch and feel or pick up products they ultimately buy online.

About The Author

Greg Sterling is a Contributing Editor to Search Engine Land, a member of the programming team for SMX events and the VP, Market Insights at Uberall.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/a-corona-xmas-why-physical-stores-will-power-online-shopping-this-holiday-season/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/628412705258242048

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scpie · 4 years

Text

A Corona Xmas: Why physical stores will power online shopping this holiday season

Will Prime Day kill Cyberweek?

Hunger for normal shopping, but also fear

Most people say they still won’t go to the mall

Source: Morning Consult consumer survey August 2020, n=2,200 consumers

Discount in-store shopping has recovered

Source: Gravy Analytics foot traffic data

Foot traffic, ‘touch and feel’

Past research has established why many consumers prefer shopping in physical stores (including Gen Z). According to the Mood Media survey consumers appreciate:

The ability to touch, feel and try the product — 47%

The convenience of taking the purchase home instantly — 47%

The ability to browse and discover new things — 36%

According to a separate study, 62% of shoppers are more likely to make e-commerce purchases if they can return the item in a local store. (And once there they tend to make additional purchases.)

The agnostic, ‘ROBO-BOPIS’ shopper

Local ads and ‘showrooming’

About The Author

Greg Sterling is a Contributing Editor to Search Engine Land, a member of the programming team for SMX events and the VP, Market Insights at Uberall.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/a-corona-xmas-why-physical-stores-will-power-online-shopping-this-holiday-season/

0 notes

laurelkrugerr · 4 years

Text

A Corona Xmas: Why physical stores will power online shopping this holiday season

Will Prime Day kill Cyberweek?

Hunger for normal shopping, but also fear

Most people say they still won’t go to the mall

Source: Morning Consult consumer survey August 2020, n=2,200 consumers

Discount in-store shopping has recovered

Source: Gravy Analytics foot traffic data

Foot traffic, ‘touch and feel’

Past research has established why many consumers prefer shopping in physical stores (including Gen Z). According to the Mood Media survey consumers appreciate:

The ability to touch, feel and try the product — 47%

The convenience of taking the purchase home instantly — 47%

The ability to browse and discover new things — 36%

According to a separate study, 62% of shoppers are more likely to make e-commerce purchases if they can return the item in a local store. (And once there they tend to make additional purchases.)

The agnostic, ‘ROBO-BOPIS’ shopper

Local ads and ‘showrooming’

About The Author

Greg Sterling is a Contributing Editor to Search Engine Land, a member of the programming team for SMX events and the VP, Market Insights at Uberall.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/a-corona-xmas-why-physical-stores-will-power-online-shopping-this-holiday-season/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/09/a-corona-xmas-why-physical-stores-will.html

0 notes

vinylbay777 · 4 years

Text

Favorite Songs of 2019

2019 was a big year for music. Rock, pop, hip-hop and R&B all had their big moments in the spotlight. Billie Eilish and Lizzo bolted onto the scene with incredible, unique takes on what popular music could be. Taylor Swift, Eilish, Post Malone and more dominated the airwaves and the charts. Genres intersected to come up with some interesting and groundbreaking collaborations.

There have been some great songs to come out of this prosperous year in music. With 2019 almost at its end, Vinyl Bay 777, Long Island’s music outlet, is taking a look back at some of our favorite tunes. Here are nine (and a bunch more) that made us think and feel this year.

1. Vampire Weekend, “Harmony Hall”: Vampire Weekend made their big return this year, releasing an amazing album of alt-rock hits. I love the 90s-meets-current style the band has cultivated on the album, mixing in fun melodies with serious, thought-provoking lyrics. “Harmony Hall” is on another level though. Its mix of 90s melody, 70s flower-power and modern day worry. It’s upbeat and contemplative at the same time and political without being overtly political. (video)

2. AJR, “Dear Winter”: AJR had another great year in 2019, releasing ‘Neotheater’ in the second quarter of the year. While “100 Bad Days” is a standout single with a big sound, I’m going to go with “Dear Winter” as one of my favorites. The vulnerability in Jack Met’s voice and words as he sings to his future child is palpable. You sympathize with how in his head he is and the loneliness he feels and how excited he is to one day have kids. It’s an emotional song and you’re there for every moment of it. (video)

3. Finneas, “I Lost A Friend”: Not just the producer of sister Billie Eilish’s music, Finneas put out some fantastic music of his own this year. “I Lost A Friend” is a minimalist, piano & snare-driven track is well-written and brimming with emotion. With every plunked note and vocal strain you hear his pain as he sings about having a falling out with his friend. (video)

4. The Highwomen, “Redesigning Women”: Girl power was prevalent in country music in 2019, and no supergroup encompasses that more than The Highwomen and their debut single “Redesigning Women.” The quartet of Brandi Carlile, Natalie Hemby, Maren Morris and Amanda Shires joined together this year as an answer to the Highwaymen. “Redesigning Women” is an anthem for hardworking women everywhere who break the mold, acting as both homemaker and breadwinner and then some. (video)

5. Ice Nine Kills, “IT Is The End”: After seeing the video for “IT Is The End,” I was hooked on the creativity that is Ice Nine Kills’ music. The song, as well as the video, is based off the film ‘IT,’ and does a really good job of retelling the film’s plot in an interesting and entertaining way. (video)

6. Lizzo feat. Missy Elliott, “Tempo”: While many are putting “Juice” or “Truth Hurts” on their year-end lists, I’m going with the Lizzo song that first caught my ear, “Tempo.” What made it for me was the beat, pacing and the body positivity of the lyrics. I also enjoyed Missy Elliott’s appearance on the song because both artists’ styles meld so well together. This generation needs a Missy Elliott and Lizzo is her. (video)

7. NF, “The Search”: Music about mental health has been a big theme in 2019 as the stigma and curtain hiding it has started to lift. NF’s “The Search” confronts the effects of anxiety and OCD head on in beautifully crafted verse. He’s candid about his struggles and what he’s feeling, giving listeners an outlet to feel less alone with their thoughts. (video)

8. Ozzy Osbourne, “Under The Graveyard”: This year brought the return of the Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne. Despite having to postpone his farewell tour due to a string of injuries, the former Black Sabbath frontman released his first new music in a decade this year. His first single, “Under The Graveyard” proves that he hasn’t lost his edge. The song features Osbourne’s characteristic haunting vocals and instrumental-heavy melody, as well as contemplative, dark lyrics that take inspiration from his life. (video)

9. Billie Eilish, “Bad Guy”: Despite not having featured Billie Eilish’s breakout track on any of my previous weekly lists, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include “Bad Guy” on this year-end one. Usually songs with whisper-sung vocals don’t go as viral as this track, especially ones where the vocal is just so creepy (sorry, it just is). Then you also have the upbeat, zany bridge, which is completely different from the rest of the song (“duh”). This eclecticism is what makes “Bad Guy” one of 2019’s standout tracks, whether you’re sick of hearing it or not. (video)

Further Listening:

· I Prevail, “Hurricane”: (video)

· Waterparks, “Turbulent”: (video)

· Charly Bliss, “Capacity”: (video)

· The Avett Brothers, “High Steppin’”: (video)

· Frank Turner, “Don’t Worry”: (video)

· Meg & Dia, “American Spirit”: (video)

· Set It Off, “Dancing With The Devil”: (video)

· The Darkness, “Rock and Roll Deserves to Die”: (video)

· We The Kings, “Turn It Up”: (video)

· Simple Plan feat. State Champs & We The Kings, “Where I Belong”: (video)

· Mumford & Sons, “Beloved”: (video)

As 2019 comes to a close, it’s compelling to take a look back at the year that was, including the music that brought us so much joy over the last 12 months. Check out some of our favorites in the list above and let us know what some of your favorite songs from the past year were in the comments below.

---

Celebrate music new and old at Vinyl Bay 777. As Long Island’s top new independent record shop, we have thousands of titles to choose from in a variety of genres to suit most music fans. Browse our wide selection of new and used vinyl records, CDs, cassettes, music DVDs, memorabilia and more in store at our Plainview location or online at vinylbay777.com. Whether you’re looking for something new to you or to rediscover the classics, we have you covered. And with more titles being added to our selection all the time, you never know what you might find at Vinyl Bay 777.

#songs #top songs #rock #pop #hip-hop #r&b #2019

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ronaldmrashid · 5 years

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The Wide Implications Of The College Admissions Bribery Scandal

Thanks to the fantastic work by the Department Of Justice and the FBI we have learned the average bribe it takes to buy your kid’s way into an elite private university is between $250,000 – $400,000. Although, some bribe amounts went as high as $6 million.

The 10-month-long investigation, code-named “Operation Varsity Blues,” uncovered large bribes nationwide across various stages of the college admissions process. So far, two SAT and ACT exam administrators, one exam proctor, a college administrator and 33 parents, including actors William H. Macy, Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin were arrested.

The private universities spanned across the nation, including Yale, Stanford, Georgetown, USC and Wake Forest. A couple of public schools such as UCLA and the University of Texas were also involved in the scam.

In one alleged incident, the Yale women’s soccer coach received $400,000 to accept one student on her team, even though the applicant did not play soccer.

In another alleged incident, Lori Loughlin, aka “Aunt Becky” on Full House, allegedly paid $500,000 in bribes and fabricated photos depicting her daughters as competitive crew rowers in order to get them accepted into USC.

In another alleged incident, the Stanford University sailing coach agreed to also accept $500,000 in bribes in order for two students to gain admissions.

What’s up with crew by the way? It’s not a money-making sport for the university. Perhaps crew is a sport where a potential admit can be more easily manipulated into looking like a high caliber athlete through photoshop and other means.

Bribe-willing parents take note!

College Bribes And A Rigged System

According to Andrew Lelling, the US Attorney for the District of Massachusetts, the ringleader of the scam is William Singer, owner of a college counseling service called Key Worldwide Foundation, who accepted bribes totaling $25 million from parents between 2011 and 2018.

Singer’s counseling service is alleged to have been in reality just a money bribing business which enabled wealthy parents to buy their kid’s admission into an elite private university. Singer even set up his own fake charity where parents could “donate” the money and then write the donation off on their taxes.

“The parents are a catalog of wealth and privilege,” Lelling said. “They include, for example, the CEOs of private and public companies, successful securities and real estate investors, two well-known actresses, a famous fashion designer and the co-chairman of a global law firm.”

Implications Of The College Admissions Bribery Scandal

As the parent to a two-year-old currently “stuck” in extremely competitive San Francisco, I find the details from this investigation extremely fascinating. In fact, 14 of the 33 parents indicted hail from the SF Bay Area.

Over the years, I’ve written many posts regarding the private school system as I try to work out what’s best for our son.

After all, I come from a middle-class family and went to public high school, public college, and public graduate school. A public school education has worked out fine for me, but I want to make sure I’m not missing the benefits of going the private school route.

Here are some past posts to review:

Would You Accept $1,000,000 To Go To Public School Over Private School?

What If You Go To Harvard And End Up A Nobody

Private School Or Public School? Depends On Your Level Of Fear And Guilt

If you read the posts, you might come away thinking I’m waging a jihad against the private school system. In actuality, I’m just trying to get my head around paying such enormous amounts of tuition for an asset that is declining in value.

After all, this is Financial Samurai, a personal finance site that focuses on optimizing our finances and living our best lives possible.

I love the topic of education, and this latest college admissions scandal is worth reflecting on since every parent cares for their child’s future and we all care about competing in a fair society.

Here are 15 implications from Operation Varsity Blues.

1) Private school reputation takes a hit. Private schools are already under fire due to a number of reasons: 1) outrageous tuition, 2) student body is much wealthier than the overall US demographic, 3) rumors and now facts of buying your way in, 4) affirmative action, and more. The Varsity Blues investigation simply buttresses the point that this stuff goes on at private schools. It’s the same way we know shady recruiting tactics occur in D1 college sports.

2) Public school reputation grows. Notice how the vast majority of admission bribery cases occurred at private universities. Some argue this is because there are many more prestigious private universities than public ones. However, there are still plenty of prestigious public institutions like Berkeley, UVA, UCLA (named in scandal), UCSD, Michigan, Wisconsin, UNC Chapel Hill, Purdue, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, George Tech, US Military Academy, and William & Mary where it appears somehow much harder to buy your way in. The less public schools are implicated, by default the stronger their reputations grow.

3) Affirmative action for the wealthy gets harder to deploy. We learned from the Asian-American lawsuit against Harvard that donor legacy kids have a 10X greater chance of getting into Harvard than a nondonor, nonlegacy kid. The reason why affirmative action for the wealthy is far more egregious than affirmative action based on race is that wealthy people, no matter their race, already receive the best education, the best tutoring, the most stable home environments, and the most amount of access money can buy.

4) All universities take a hit overall in reputation and importance. Although it takes a tremendous amount of capital to bribe your kid’s way into these elite schools, a college education is fast becoming unnecessary. We can now learn everything for free online. It is also much quicker to do research and learn thanks to the internet. Yet, colleges continue to raise their tuition 2X-3X the rate of inflation each year. Meanwhile, it still requires the student 4.-4.5 years on average to get a diploma. Talk about an antiquated system the elite is desperately trying to perpetuate.

Don’t you think there’s something wrong with this chart?

5) The angst for all parents is real, but should decrease. Even if you are a famous, rich, white person like William H. Macy, Felicity Huffman or Lori Loughlin, you are not immune to the anxiety and stress of trying to get your kids the best educational environment possible. The famous, rich, white person is competing against even more famous, rich, white people. This constant comparison will never stop until we make it stop. People of color and the poor should find some solace in the fact that people with all the privilege in the world are still stressing out about their kids’ future. People playing by the rules should feel better that something is being done about this rigged system.

6) Smart, hardworking students get unfairly sullied. Unless the FBI discovers the majority of students at elite universities have parents who buy their way in, it is likely that most students got in through merit. Unfortunately, this college admissions scandal will unfairly paint all elite college students and graduates, especially wealthy ones, with a suspicious eye. It’s the same way affirmative action may discredit an underrepresented minority’s achievements. We must remember that the vast majority of graduates of such schools are highly intelligent, good people.

7) Elite private university graduates will start questioning their accomplishments. Singer’s consulting firm made sure the kids had no idea they didn’t get into their respective universities by cheating. The FBI wiretaps highlighted such discussions. As a result, there will be plenty of students and graduates of these bribe-accepting schools who will wonder whether they got in due to their accomplishments. As self-doubt creeps in, self-esteem may drop, especially for graduates who end up working at a regular job.

Fake charity Singer set up so his clients could write off their bribes

8) Big city living is becoming less attractive. Notice how most of the schools implicated in this latest bribery scandal are located in large coastal cities such as Boston, Washington D.C., the San Francisco Bay Area, and Los Angeles. Big cities attract the most educated, type-A go-getters because big cities have employers who pay the most amount of money. The desire for money and prestige will eventually make you miserable because everybody is frantically competing to one-up the other.

9) Smaller city living is becoming more attractive. When we look back on our lives, we don’t wish we spent more time in the office trying to make more money and getting some meaningless title. What we wish we had more of was the freedom to spend time with family and friends and doing meaningful work. I foresee the continued growth and attraction of smaller cities as more people “opt out” of the grind. The FIRE movement has arisen partly because people are tired of all the corporate work BS and would rather be free.

10) Private business owner’s increase their purpose. The end goal for getting the best college education possible is to get the best job possible after graduation. Therefore, you’ll always be at the mercy of someone else’s decision if you do not own your own business. If you own your own private business, you can rig the system in your favor by hiring your know-nothing 22-year-old kid as VP of Operations and pay him or her a huge salary if you want. Unless you are a C-level executive at a public company, it is very hard to get your kid a top job or even an internship at your firm.

11) If you are a poor Asian American, you probably face the toughest hurdle. Given there is clear affirmative action for the wealthy through “donations” and straight up bribes, while race-based affirmative action does not include Asian Americans, poor or middle-class Asian Americans will have the greatest difficulty of getting into an elite private university. This is one of the reasons why you see so many mom and pop stores owned by Asians across the country. They know nobody is coming to help them, so they must count on themselves.

12) Poor students will see a rise in reputation. On the flip side, if you happen to be a poor Asian American or a poor student from any race who graduated from an elite private university, your stock should go up given more people realize what you’ve had to go through to get in.

13) A greater percentage of parents will donate to schools. The irony about this bribery scandal is that parents will simply go through legal bribery means by donating quid-pro-quo directly to their desired schools. The 33 parents caught so far were simply bad at cheating. They should have just contacted the admissions office at XYZ private school and discussed a plan to donate directly to a new building, courtyard, or scholarship. The donations will likely be more anonymous.

14) There will be a rise in stealth wealth. Given the college bribery scandal has reignited hatred for the rich, the rich will flaunt their wealth less. Luxury car sales might go down as BMWs are traded in for Hondas. Rich parents will tell their rich kids to stop showing off their wealth over social media. There may even be a surge in luxury home inventory as the rich decide to move out of expensive neighborhoods. Stealth wealth has always been a good idea. As we surpass our 10th year in a bull market, practicing stealth wealth is more important than ever before.

15) The middle class may become wealthier and happier. As college becomes less important in finding a job, there will be fewer people spending four years and borrowing tens of thousands in student loans. With more time and less financial baggage, more people will be able to aggressively save to buy a house, start a family, and save for retirement. With more financial security and more time, society as a whole becomes much happier.

Let The College Admissions Bribery Scandal Pump You Up

Instead of getting bummed out about how all these image-conscious and misguided wealthy people buy their kid’s way into elite universities, get happy!

Not only do you not have to spend $250,000 – $400,000 on average per kid on bribes, you also don’t have to pay $50,000+ a year in tuition alone for 4-5 years! The bribes plus the full cost of attending a private university for four or five years could run you over $1 million.

Life is already hard enough as it is. We don’t need people who have all the means in the world pull further ahead from the rest of us who abide by the rules or who went to public schools.

Let us all thank Andrew Lelling, the U.S. Attorney for the District of Massachusetts; Joe Bonavolonta, special agent in charge of the FBI Boston Field Office; and the entire team for unrooting this scandal.

I trust this is just the beginning of much more to come!

Related: How To Stop Worrying About Your Child’s Future Again In This Brutally Competitive World

Readers, what are your thoughts on the college admissions bribery scandal? Why didn’t these parents just donate directly to the school instead? Why isn’t there more backlash against affirmative action for the wealthy? What are some other implications about the bribery scandal I have not mentioned?

The post The Wide Implications Of The College Admissions Bribery Scandal appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from https://www.financialsamurai.com/the-wide-implications-of-the-college-admissions-bribery-scandal/

#Financial Samurai

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spiritualgravity · 7 years

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Wax on. Wax off.

I have come to terms with accepting the fact that my pregnancy journey has been less than glamourous. I didn’t know what I didn’t know pre-pregnancy, and it’s probably better I didn’t know or else I may not have ever mustered up the courage to take the plunge into parenthood, much less 9 full months of surrendering my body to the baby.

When people ask if I’m excited (for the baby to come) in a high-pitched squeaky voice, instead of answering, “I’m actually terrified” like I had been sharing in the past, to appease them and make the conversation with family, friends and total strangers at the pet store less awkward, I simply say, “YES, I’m excited!!”

What scares me the most is how to keep the baby alive once we come home from the hospital. I haven’t put much thought into the actual labor and delivery. I figure my body innately knows what to do and I’ll figure it out along the way, plus we’ll take some classes which should help prepare us. I have said for as long as I can remember when it came to this topic, that “I have nothing to prove.” I’ll be asking for an epidural the moment I’m allowed to have it. My mother gave natural birth to 6 babies without any medication and I think she’s a super human. However, I am just a regular human.

With that said, I don’t quite have a grip on my pain threshold simply because I don’t have a lot to go on. I’ve never broken a bone or had major surgery. “They say” that women are built to withstand high levels of discomfort because we are designed to grow and birth a baby…so naturally I should be equipped for this stuff.

But I am now second-guessing my natural human abilities to overcome extraordinary pain after my recent wax adventure.

My belly is pretty big now so I can’t see very well down below. Because of this less than stellar vantage point, shaving has become quite challenging. I asked a girlfriend who has had multiple children how she handled this potentially hairy situation. She told me she gets waxed throughout her pregnancy, and toward the very end of the pregnancy, her husband shaves her down there.

My husband “shaving me down there” is out of the question. It just is. Since we’ve been together for the better part of 15 years, there has been an unspoken understanding when it comes to certain privacy parameters. We don’t pass gas in front of one another, and all bathroom time is done with the door closed. When we travel together, I bring Poo Pourri spray for the toilet bowl and run the bathroom sink water as I don’t want him to have any part in my experience and I equally want nothing to do with his. So the idea of him being all up in my lady business, with a razor in hand, every part of my intuition says — no. Just no.

On the other hand, the idea of waxing comes with my own personal baggage. Twenty years ago I had my legs waxed before an overseas 2-week missionary trip to a 3rd world country with no access to running water. In preparation for this trip and the thought of shaving in a river with goats, I thought waxing sounded like a good idea. In short, it was a very bad idea. Now granted, I had the wax done in a nail salon, so I should have at least gone to a day spa, but what did I know at 18-years-old? The pain was so great that I vividly remember almost stopping after one leg and cutting my losses. As it turned out, the wax was a total waste of time and money and pain in the end because my legs were red and inflamed; it was as if I had carpet burn from my ankles to my thighs. The end result just poured salt on the wound from an already miserable experience and I had to shave in the river after all because stubble grew back within days.

Fast forward to today, when my friend suggested I get waxed, I was highly skeptical based on my first body waxing experience. I realize that technology has probably come a long way so perhaps the wax itself is more sophisticated. But being pregnant, everything is more sensitive…so I was curious if getting waxed in an already highly sensitive area would only be exacerbated with the extra hormones and blood surging through my body. I am fair-skinned and have sensitive skin to begin with, now throw a pregnancy on top of it.

For a good two weeks prior to my appointment, I badgered my friend with questions. “Are you SURE this won’t be horrendous?” “Your pain threshold has got to be off the chart since you’ve had multiple natural births.” She assured me that “it isn’t that bad.” Knowing deep down that it could in fact be “that bad” — I even said some freaking affirmations.

I took full responsibility that no matter what happened in the end, that the experience would be my own. I couldn’t hold her responsible for how my body would react to having hundreds of follicles of hair ripped out from the root in my lady parts.

I made an appointment at a well-known beauty salon in my city. When the waxing lady took me back to the room and was shutting the door, she asked me, “Is this your first time getting a Brazilian wax?” When I told her yes — even though I had told the person on the phone when I originally scheduled it — the look on her face was priceless. The moment a child learns that a living, breathing Santa Claus does not exist, that is the expression she made.

Since my level of anxiety for this wax was already palpable, my stomach did flips based on her visible fear for my pending pain.

“Oh no. OH NO. Why is she terrified for me?”

The entire journey, laying flat on my back spread eagle with my big ol’ belly in the air took 45 minutes. I was sweating (in many areas), and my body had moments of uncontrollable shaking. She explained what she was doing throughout the appointment and what was most concerning and confusing is the fact that she started with the least sensitive areas. The very last part was the most sensitive and hurt the most. This strategy seemed counterproductive. So… the longer the appointment went on, the worse it hurt and the more I wanted to be put out of my misery. I wish she would have started with the worst areas first, and get it over with.

About 10 minutes until the experience was over, I was considering asking her to stop. I also made myself feel better by swearing that I’d NEVER do this again. But because mind over matter is a powerful tool, I convinced myself to finish what I started.

Allegedly waxing won’t be AS painful in the future as the hair will be thinner. But I’m highly skeptical and am not sure if I can go back in 4 weeks to find out.

People chuckle when they hear that my husband and I are discreet with certain areas of our lives that have to do with bodily functions and fluids and toilets. I am fully aware this is more than likely going to change post birth as my body will lose the will to do something as simple as hold in pee while jumping rope. Evidently I may not be able to keep gas to myself anymore either. So maybe, just maybe, all bets are off and he’ll need to assist me with shaving my lady parts after all if it means I never have to get waxed ever again.

#pregnant #momtobe #expecting mom #waxing #bikini wax #brazilian wax #pain #marriage #humor

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oraclegamma · 7 years

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[Fanfiction] Forgotten Debris

"Where there would be you, me,whose stupidity is Unbridled, and your used-to-be smart-beloved inner circle. We talk about the things we’ve been done along the past 2 years after graduation. Where they work, where I work, what they have done so far.They proudly tell you where they work,achievement they got,project they've done,prospective client they met,good meeting place to go,good position.Me, on the other hand.wow, stop torturing me when it comes to retrospective one.But it’s ok,I’m gonna tell you all what I’ve done so far..Yes, I’ve done nothing. I was just a fired one,, and I am still nothing up till now, what would you think about me?" -Kim Jongdae

Wake up to the nothingness, sleep to the nightmare. You want everything, you want something. What about everything goes downhill till all you want, even plea, drop to the lowest level of “I wanna have a reason to dress up, to wake up in the morning leaving home catching the first bus downtown”.Since having a job is a luxury for him, a slow learner who has been fired twice from the job he was in. The 24 years old Kim Jongdae is what 5 years old “Kim Jongdae” never dreamt about. Well,this kind of prove why Jongdae understand 3rd grade math when he was on 6th grade, three times failed at physic class, and took 2 days sleepless night to master statistic at uni.

“I really wanna go to work”

like all my friends do..

Like all people my age supposed to do..” “Luhan hyung, chukkae! You got it!! Do the best ten times better than you did before,ne?”

“and Kyungsoo-ya, your seniors at your new office are soo nice! They must be take a good care of you very well!!”

Jongdae knows, one of the best prayer wished sincerely is when someone you pray for doesn’t know and request. A silent sincere prayer whised by Jongdae as Luhan and Kyungsoo starts his new better,higher position,more prestige job tomorrow.

"I should've been happy knowing they really having a good time working there,earning good income,most important... they can work at their best performance. I am happy for Luhan Hyung and Kyungsoo”

Even though all Jongdae feels now is throbbing. “...will I ever have that chance?...”

The last three months of 2012 were the hardest thing of Jongdae’s life. Waking up to face the terrible day and walking home crying.

Right here on this empty big world, I see that everything has changed I'm unable to find the right words, I can only stand in silence How do i begin again, from where should i'am starting over In spite of my desperation i'am looking for light Oh, If out there somewhere there really is God? (Kaze wa Fuiteiru, AKB48 eng translate)

You,As Wu Yi Fan. -That man who dressed nicely in suit really looks good, way much more looks good because it reflects his success. His successfulness goes really well along the step he takes-

Just like the ordinary day for people who live in urban city, it comes to the situation where your simple yet chic work outfit, nice shoe, latest gadget and another one or two thing/s more complete your appearance as a qualified person who really fits best to this city,and today,should be one of the luckiest day you might have because you can leave your cubicle when you still can see the sun. Even though you were lucky you left the office earlier, you couldn't completely drop all your job off of your mind even just for a little while. Your boss just handed you the project of your dreams, along with promises of a reward if your team completes it by a fast-approaching deadline.But Him.. a stupid new person that joined your team a while ago,who really couldn't do anything. Slow learner who takes longer to understand concepts and complete tasks, and working with him is often frustrating for you and your colleagues. Thing would go a little bit better if he, as if,was a fast learner. As if. Now that guy leaves some flaw on your perfect Friday night. “Kim Jongdae!! Actually what kind of business process that you expert in??!!". You can't understand or nearly understand what's going on around you. About why there is a person as slow as Kim Jongdae and why you are hardly able to talk to these days.

-End Wu Yi Fan POV-

His path scatters around somewhere he doesn’t know.And he lost his way to own it back again. Just counting the hours to go back to sleep. Days constantly remind him on that certain time on and on.

“You are Fired”

“You are Slow Learner”

Five months gone, but the echoes still. The wounds still. As Kim Jongdae tries to stand back again gaining some hope into the new piece of his life. The life where all his friends proudly engaging into some major project.

Kim Jongdae, A slow learned who struggles indeed. Those feelings of being scolded by everyone he works with are running over and over his mind. He hampered his co worker. He’s nothing but an under achiever. The fact reveals he couldn’t be in team, he couldn’t do a fast phase professional business requirement.

-Jongdae POV-

Why did you talk about being a loser when everything you’ve got worked perfectly riding you to the top? How could you create the future in the name of loser? You never know what loser really is... A loser who’s afraid to face the world because of the incompetency, self esteem, and something that happened in the past. You don’t know how slow I learn, you don’t know mistakes I’ve done. Let me be the loser.

There once was group of people dress nicely and act sophisticatedly in the corner of caffee, professionally talk about some kind of chart. Me, on the other side of corner, testify them secretly with a bunch of mixed feeling, and question:

I wish I could join them,what if I join them?

Would I be the one who didn’t contribute any idea or action?

Would they be having a hard time because I join the team?

I am stupid, I am a slow learner, I am a loser. I am on the next level of stupidity.Terrified by that view is really a stupid thing. Reality hits me to see the dark side of anything. The light goes off of me. An outshined loser.

I walk on any shop to see how nice is that suit. I afford the price, but I can’t afford to find an exact place to go with that suit. I wanna have that suit, but I am more fond to have a proper place to go to, a productive thing to be done.

End Jongdae POV

How does it feel walking home after working? Just a simple thing that he wished he had now :

A way back home that gives a simple satisfication in a little corner of heart as the sign that he has worked hard today.

A way back home that he could buy some decent food for his little brother at home.

A way back home that he could prove everyone that he’s not a perfectly imperfect man.

... but in fact, Kim Jongdae was just a fired-slow learner. A man who is fighting so hard againts his own anxiety and low self esteem. He belongs to the darkness inside the wardrobe at his room. The best option for him to be at, simply the place where no one hears him cry. The moment where being in the corner is the most safest place to be.Neither time goes too short nor too fast as he’s blending himself into the darkness. Nevertheless, One Almighty God becomes the reason for Jongdae doesn’t cut his arm or slit his wrist. He kept this feeling on track when it comes up. Before it turns back to grey again, at this very moment. The times that he felt secure the most...after he prays..and at the last sip of his coffee.

Sehun POV

“Sehun-ah,I’m home. Here I got some chicken mushroom and bubble tea for us. Gotta be sure that you haven’t had dinner, right?”

It has been the countless times Jongdae Hyung attended job interview, and it’s been the countless times I can’t bear my feeling by watching Jongdae Hyung hurts so much. I love Jongdae Hyung for whatever he is. And I want nothing but having Jongdae hyung happy for what has happened and the person he is.

“Jongdae Hyung, Did you know that today there is a rumor stated David de Gea will soon move to Real Madrid?”

“Aah, is that true? What about ikker Cassillas? I cant believe Rafael Benitez doesn’t trust him as the main goalkeeper anymore. He has dedicated his life for 25 years with Real Madrid.”

“You know Hyung, the fun fact is De Gea was just born when Cassillas started his training with Real Madrid Junior team. ”

I don’t wanna ask about how the interview was, I want Jongdae Hyung forget all he went through today by distracting the conversation atmosphere into the things he likes. Music, singing, football, stand-up comedy. And it worked. Jongdae Hyung shows his enthusiasm when I raised the topic about what I read a glance about the news of Europe League today.

-6 months later-

Jongdae never knows where he is right now. He can’t even move nor shout. A peculiar area where he sees people come around with their each other’s business. A regular day right after office hour ends. Is he dreaming? About a man in casual look with a backpack on his back,and his tired face engulfed by happiness on the front line of Bubble Tea counter. “My dongsaeng will like it so much!!” a silent whisper pronounced cleary heard by Jongdae.

“Have a nice day, Sir”

“Thank you.. I can’t believe I can buy this for my dongsaeng with my first salary”

“wait... what? Who he actually is?”

“We’ll have a meeting at Ministry of Finance at 10”

---**---

“Sehun-ah , wake up!! I have a meeting at Ministry of Finance at 10, and maybe tonight I’ll come home a little bit late, because I have another meeting at Ministry of Law and Human Right at 4. Don't forget to have breakfast! see yea at night!”

As Sehun watched Jongdae dissappear at the doorway, he grabbed his last night bubble tea and went into his deep thought about what finally came to his hyung. A perseverance and endless pray brought his hyung to catch the first train to Central Business District every morning. This is stupid, he thought. How come his hyung wasted 2 years of his life being depressed just to be a coorporate slave? How come a curated pictures about the late night meeting his peers post on SNS brought him down to the lowest point he could be? but whatever it is, Sehun feels so relieve.

"Jongdae Hyung, You've overcome your fear. But I know the fear of being slow learner can’t fade as train goes by. I just wanna thank God for what you have now. You’ve got your dream to buy me this bubble tea on your way back home. I love you, Hyung for whatever you are."

[Side Story]

It was Carissa

-Jongdae POV-

“Bye Carissa”

It was Carissa. A freshgrader who’s accidentally, by professional means, sat at the front desk as she is known by all departments in this Ministry. She takes the responsibility of financial administration and serves everyone in this Ministry to approve their financial application, and accidentally be my partner in running this project I was designated to. Sometimes the irresponsible employee yelled at her as she disapprove their incorrect application. Sometimes she got a phone call in the middle of the night forcing her to process the administration form that due the next morning. No, I’m not falling in love with her, I just adore her professionally.

Today ends as we had an unplanned-simple-but-nice dinner and some casual talks till elevator ride ended and did us apart.

After all it was really nice to know her.

#exo #fanfiction #thoughts #jongdae #sehun #oneshot

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