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alicealder · 10 months

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i. "cast iron skillet" - jason isbell and the 400 unit // ii. tonight i'm someone else: essays; the end of longing - chelsea hodson // iii. "rx (medicate)" - theory of a deadman

( gdocs version since tumblr beta is super annoying )

quick stats !

full name: alice audrey alder

date of birth: september 17th, 1966

zodiac big three: virgo sun, pisces moon, libra rising, leo venus

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: home of sexual

ethnicity: white

nationality: us american

religion: agnostic

languages spoken: english (5), spanish (4), latin (3)

enneagram: 2w3

mbti: enfj

temperament: phlegmatic

alignment: true neutral

refresher !

triggers: shitty parenting, the briefest implication of homophobia

Mom, Annabelle “Anne” Alder, kinda really sucks. I guess we’ll go with the version where she’s not a televangelist even though televangelism is super fun and was booming in the 1980s, I just think we know the other version better. Still a lil menty ill tho.

But Alice’s daddy, Allen, and sister, Alice 1.0, died a week before she was born so you know <3 hard to blame her tbh <3

Still weird that she was like “okay if I can’t have Alice 1.0 I’ll have Alice 2.0”

Momma Alder was like “you’re gonsta be perfect just like ur dad!” and Alice was like “okay how” and momma was like “uhhhh get good grades, be successful, marry a rich guy, be hot” and Alice was like “okay bet”

Mamma Alder also married a rich guy, our bestie Brian, who was like… 20 years her senior. So she had an affair with the poolboy. But honestly that stuff wasn’t too important in the great grand scheme of things – Brian was, though!

Anyway, Alice totes got good grades and was hot! But a rich guy wasn’t in her cards :\ Maybe a rich girl though!

Is Lux rich?

Fell in love with childhood friend Lux Lewis in late 1981 and it lasted around a year.. So that’s basically late sophomore - junior on her end, late freshman - sophomore on Lux’s.

Gradually phased out as Lux got closer to another lesbian we know 🤨(only we don’t know it IC 😔). But Alice was still Lux’s little bitch for the time being.

Idk if the Wonderland dance happened in this timeline... In any case, Lux going bitch mode after the lesbian ‘rumor’ was pinned on Alice still happened! So did the fight between Alice and Anne, though that was a few more months in. So did it getting worse when Alice was like *coach ben vc* hear that, furry little friends?! I’m GAYYY. *end vc* So did Brian leaving to go to a five-star retirement home.

Anyway, a slight change is that Brian paid the tuition, but Alice still went to live with Indigo… for the time being 🤨

update time !

triggers: drugs. so many drugs., some shitty parenting thrown in there considering brian’s involvement and (arguably!) indigo’s solution

Weed and alcohol weren’t entirely foreign – they were both present at basically all the parties thrown – but Alice had never partaken in them beyond a slight buzz. Up until, of course, the winter of 1983. Just to balance things out, right? Just to make the world seem a little chiller during the crux of her final year in high-school, right?

But all of the shit that came with it – related to Lux or not – eventually brought it to a null spot. And Brian (who didn’t think to ask anything about it), ever the caring father figure, offered what used to help him through his rough patches! A little pill!

As of right now, I’m basically just typing out the timeline I wrote down. So with nothing smooth to say, Alice found herself a regular Vicodin user by the Spring of 1984.

And, while all things preceding the date were stressful enough, that brings us to entering college! Yay! Brian’s started paying tuition and there was that huge blowout and she’s living with Indigo now, so on and so forth. Anyway, now that that’s been refreshed:

Fall of 1984… Maybe someone would point to Lux and the bullying. Maybe someone would point to Anne Alder, suddenly without child and husband. Maybe someone would point to the lack of a stable home. But the truth was that it was none of that, and it was all of that.

The first few months, Alice was doing her best to keep up. She was still keeping her grades way up, she was still working hard to maintain her friendships, she was still trying to keep up a semblance of a life – she would have been dubbed ‘functioning.’ But something… just broke. Seemingly out of nowhere, something cracked.

*It happened slowly, then all at once. General stress – stress that seemed normal – snapped. There were voices and delusions and–

–Brian’s donations weren’t enough anymore. After searching, after a chance finding, Alice crossed the snow line…

And it… worked. The stress had dissipated and life… it was so much better. As long as she rolled the snow up on the 8hr schedule it needed, life was beautiful!

For a while.

When Winter rolled around, it was plain for Indigo to see that Alice was not just smoking doobage. In fact, she wasn’t just smoking anything anymore – not if the cotton ball and shoelace had anything to say about it!

Thus, Indigo (real name: Angela), past groupie (who “Angie” by the Stones had clearly been written about) who had seen the dangerous outcomes firsthand, was… in essence, like, “Get your shit together!”

But if some missing money, pinpoint pupils, and a nod off that led to a close call with godsmack had anything to say about it… Alice was not, in fact, getting her shit together.

Indigo had never planned on being a mother, and though she was much more caring and empathetic than her sister, she wasn’t prepared for… how to deal with this (unless it was Eric Clapton who clearly got clean for her). At the end of the day, is anyone? Especially when the main source of said kid’s cost of living was coming from an indirect enabler? (See: Brian <3)

Not knowing what else to do if Alice wouldn’t agree to seek help, she made the hesitant decision to kick her out.

Lucky for Alice, there was one vacant house in Cherry where someone she knew had been able to claim squatter’s rights – that someone being Oliver (who, outside of alcohol and weed, could be considered a surprising straight-edge given what he’d seen his mom go through at the hands of SUD).

Yes, I’m connecting my two characters. Yes, I am using this cop-out. *Ariana Grande vc* And what about it?

When Spring rolled around, her role in ‘the gang’ was nearly non-existent, existing more as a ghost than a person. Which was about how life was going. Moving through it like a ghost, disconnected from the Earth, watching from a state of limbo, becoming a distant memory.

r/im14andthisisdeep

She still managed to get by in CCU, though not without strife and sliding grades. Speedballing helped, but even then, she was distracted.

Oliver tried giving her the movie star speech… which didn’t work, but it was worth a shot!

Fall came and so did sophomore year’s tuition payment… some of which was pocketed and spent on things that should not have been important as they felt.

Outside of that, it was largely uneventful. Just repetition of how life had been for the past… year and a half? But it wasn’t as fun as it used to be. And most bridges had burned themselves (hell, save for Brian, every bridge with family had burned down). And there would never be anything fun again, would there be? She stays in the routine, it’s normal. She breaks it and tries to get sober? At best, it’s boring. At worst, it’s hell on Earth. And she would choose routine over that any day! If she’d already lost most everything she could lose, why bother? The only things she had left were school (and she would be on academic probation in Spring – if she were kicked out… who cared anymore?), an empty house (was there much of a difference between an empty house – that desperately needed repairs – with one guy and a street?), the few bridges she hadn’t burned (a lighter would come eventually), and a beating heart (did it matter anymore?). Burn it down.

That was the prevailing thought until one Ford Freese entered the picture in early December, an offer to pay for a 30-day inpatient stay over the CCU winter break.

…winter break totally isn’t for deus ex machina purposes!

In any other case, she would’ve declined the offer with enthusiasm – some of the only enthusiasm she still showed! But the one thing she hadn’t thought of? The one thing she hadn’t thought to add to her list of things that could be stripped from her? Her freedom. Aha, don’t arrest me! Aha, I’m too sexy to go to jail for 7+ years!

Let it be known that he never actually threatened arrest – or anything even close! – but you see a man with a badge…

She entered rehab on the first day of their winter break. The methadone helped with the detox, but not with the… worth. Nonetheless, she walked out of rehab two days after CCU had begun the Spring semester.

A month later, she had ‘completed’ the outpatient program – during which she’d been doing her damndest to get off academic parole. Without any funding for something like a methadone clinic – or, I don’t know, a therapist? – it was her and her willpower!

And, credit where credit is due, staying sober due to a sense of obligation? Of ‘you did this grand gesture for me, I can do this one thing for you’? Well, it was working! Enough to get her to NA!

But, even nearly eight months later, everything feels rather askew. She’s part of the gang again, not a ghost… but is she? She’s back to her role of ‘great student’... but is she? Lux has lost her influence… but has she?

Well… Hollywoo Stars and Celebs! What Do They Know? Do they Know Things? Let’s Find Out!

updated tl;dr !

Alice started doing drugs about eight months earlier than her Cherry 1.0/2.0 counterparts.

She developed a tolerance to Vicodin and didn’t have the benefit of seeing Lux’s ghost because… Lux isn’t dead (or presumed dead), so she moved up the ladder of gateway drugs and, following a bit of a menty b in her freshman year of college, she started using smack.

Eventually got kicked out of Indigo’s house for understandable reasons and went to squat live with Oliver (deus ex machina!).

Yanno. shit happens!

Was not successfully enticed to enter recovery until Ford Freese offered to pay for rehab (and, even then, it was just because “oh this guy has a badge I don’t want to go to jail im so sexy for that aha”). Got clean.

Has been sober for nearly eight months now… mainly out of obligation!

But my favorite form of character growth is character descent :elmosmile:

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punkpsychologist · 2 years

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HELLO

AAA. OKAY. ITS BEEN A BIT. You know, I actually drafted this post before but my fucking power went out and I lost it. So here we go again.

Main parts of this motherfucker

where I've been

what happened (yes these are two different things)

where I'm going and how I feel about it

alrighty. so I successfully finished my first year of college at a community college near my home town. i worked asynchronously and was able to make it onto the dean's list again for the second semester!

so all of that was good and well but if you have read some of my previous posts you might know that there is a very specific Scholarship that i have been after. it was very important and was considered to be a deciding factor on if i would be able to go to a university and live in the dorms or not. i did not get the scholarship. my mother and i felt very confident that i would but it was very new and the school that created it had yet to really solidify how it worked and what it's requirements were. in otherwords, the prospect of the Scholarship was unstable from the beginning.

i never got any kind of email or correspondence that explicitly said that i would not receive the Scholarship but i found that it would primarily be given to sophomores. i'm a college first-year who is very close to achieving an associate's degree. my mother and i panicked back during my finals week over the Scholarship. after realizing that I would have a better chance if i had my associates, my mom and i made a plan to put me into a "maymester" course and to completely fill my summer with classes. if i was able to pass all of those classes, I would have my associates by august. now i mentioned that this plan was created during finals week, i was incredibly tired and my pms was putting me in a really bad space. i felt this kind of sense of hopelessness, like it all felt very fruitless. i was tired and i had been continuing on the thought that once i finished my finals that i would get to rest. after realizing how fruitless the effort could be, we scrapped that plan and opted to place me into a full load of classes for the second half of the summer, i was waaaayyyy more supportive of this. my classes begin on july 5th and im once again in the class of one of my favorite professors so we'll see how it goes.

it gets a little more interesting here. so i told you that i never was explicitly told that i was denied the Scholarship, so there was a period of time in the early summer where i was just kind of in this limbo of searching for answers. i was scrambled and panicked and felt rather hopeless. i need to leave home. it's not that my family is bad to me, quite the opposite. i am the only child of a single mother, my father overdosed on opioids when i was a toddler, and my mothers family stepped up to help raise me. i grew up extremely paranoid of people and was always very close to death-related situations. i was also sexually assaulted by someone close to me and couldnt tell anybody. i believe that i am a psychologically unhealthy individual. i have incredible amounts of empathy and sympathy for people, i am also extremely afraid of people. due to my anxiety mixed with my trauma and pms i go through phases of being paranoid and unjustly afraid of people that i love very much. the covid19 quarantine was the most enabling thing that has ever happened in my entire life. i didn't have to talk to anybody aside from my mother or leave my house. i made myself think i was safe and happy when in reality i was slowly allowing my anxiety to consume me. when i say this im serious, like having panic attacks in the grocery store because i cant manage all the people that i run into and lying to someone that i love very much because im afraid to go out and i dont know how to explain to him what exactly is making me act this way. i dont know how to function without my family, and they are all much older than me. i know they will die and i will eventually be left alone.

tldr: i need to be around people my own age and i need to be around them physically because my mental health has gotten out of hand

one of my friends inspired me to transfer to university a year earlier than initially projected. the Scholarship was needed to be able to go.

while in Scholarship limbo my mom straight up called me over and said "you know you're going to the dorms in the fall right?" and i stg its like i had a mini breakdown. AFTER ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT. I GET TO GO. I GET TO GO!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDDN'T TELL ME EARLIER. THIS DID THIS WHEN I TRIED TO QUIT BAND IN HIGH SCHOOL AS WELL. MAN. I'm so happy, I can't possibly explain how simultaneously happy and afraid I am. Going off and to the dorms is the best possible outcome I could ask for but in yet it is the one that I feared the most. I wonder if this was her way of trying to get me to see how far I would go to try and scrounge up cash or if she wanted to see how devoted I was to the idea of university.

Either way. I have my dorm room and roommates secured. I was on campus a few days ago for an orientation. I also have a couple of friends as well as some organizations that I intend to join. For privacy purposes I still can't tell you all where I'm going or when exactly a lot of things are happening. I will probably upload pics of my room though.

If you're here, thank you. I hope you're doing alright, I genuinely hope anything youre struggling with becomes easier and that you find yourself struck with inspiration often <3

#college update #major college update #ouija vents #ouija talks #university #studyblr #university life #psych student #they let me in #punk academia

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marimopeace · 3 years

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d. gray-man still fucks me up...

in the best of ways, even after all these years plus breaks on my end as a fan and hoshino's circumstances.

loved all things gothic and fantasy in middle school to escape my life via power-wielding teens (i.e. 07-ghost, pandora hearts, soul eater, karneval, hakkenden, etc.) and d.gray-man was huge for me since i was still in a phase where i was binging all the long anime series i could since it gave my attn span something to latch onto and be immersed in for a good amount of time. tbh i can't tell if my attn span has gotten even shorter considering i usually substitute streaming social media videos over tv nowadays or better since i'm able to better sustain interests in specific niche things?

i switched to consuming content on a more seasonal basis in high school but i became more of a manga reader so at the time i was still on the nose for the rare new d.gray-man chapter. i was so excited for when hallow was announced! i think the hallow promo visuals + posters were some of the last things i shared on my old tumblr blog actually lmao. didn't love hallow as a show but i loved it for what it brought back to me in terms of bringing hoshino's drawings to life via sound + color and seeing ppl turn into fans via gifs in comment sections. that's part of the reason why the furuba reboot meant a lot to me too tbh! always so nice when you can see new and old fans come together to show artists the love they deserve <3

took a break from d.gray-man specifically since the searching for a.w. arc was just a lot for me to take in chapter by chapter since it was hard to keep track of intricate plot details without needing to re-read some chapters for every release and that's not how i enjoy content personally. and i guess from there life just kind of ? came and went? college + growing up in general with new life obligations have changed the way i pursue entertainment aha.

i don't know what switched it on but i ended up spending this past weekend going through everything from scratch! i haven't sat down to marathon 100+ chapters/episodes of anything in a long time since i either keep up with shorter serials now or keep up with things on a monthly basis and wowwww the immersion hit different this time fr XD i swear i felt like a kid again!

but wow going through the entire manga + anime bit by bit from my new position in life really made me appreciate hoshino's storytelling a lot more; it's not so much that the plot of d.gray-man aged well, but that the whole series works together to tell one of the most cohesive stories i've seen for a fantasy shonen (esp with such a young protagonist--allen is the age of a high school sophomore!!!!!! a literal child!!!! someone be on his side kthxJohnny).

when i say i went through bit by bit i MEAN IT i fully had a list of episodes via wikipedia out and i was going through chapter arcs as they were recreated in the old anime series i went in completely XD god i'm crazy.

but it felt so sweet and so wonderful to dive into the adventure head-on.

i'm trying to do the same with the hallow sequel but reading/watching d.gray-man like this is really making me see how rushed it was ^^; it's taking more chapters to get to where each episode of hallow ends and i get why hoshino was so peeved with both shows now to be honest for the out of order details or skipping of content.

i'm also really resonating with hoshino's anger towards TMS for the hallow promo materials and i get why she went as far as to shoot their bank accounts in the foot bc the way i started tearing up during hallow episode 6 with talk of the lotus, flashbacks, and the hand reaching up to the sky....ㅠㅠ #bigoop

kanda shouldn't have been shoved into a yaoi narrative for the sake of money (nor allen esp considering his age) since it completely goes against his character arc and everything he is with alma. i'm getting so fucked up by their past lives' love story and their current again like when i say the tears i'm shedding come from something so old and deep inside of me ㅠㅠ (oh lorde it's so sad!!)

i had to pause my marathon since i spent my monday without wifi bc of a storm in my area and it'll prob be a while until i can finish re-reading/watching until the end of hallow. i'm excited to read new saying goodbye to a.w chapters though! i know it'll definitely be worth waiting these past few years <3 seeing allen's character growth as he matured as a "destroyer who saves" and how he grapples w mana's influence is fascinating and exploring the nitty-gritty of the morality that pervades the Black Order is just! ugh love this kind of worldbuilding with strong characters sm

planning this next content binge will be tricky though since i meant to catch up on the furuba reboot before it ends next week...welp i'll see how this goes ^^;

// time to get to writing this thesis marimo! //

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blueberry-sunghoon · 3 years

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"meet me at the ice rink after school" | park sunghoon

words: 5.3k

genre: high school romance, fluff

warnings: none that i can think of

i hope you like this story :))

☆September 2013☆

One late summer afternoon, you and your best friend Sunghoon were at the ice rink, your all-time favorite hangout spot. Of course, your skating skills weren’t nearly as stunning as Sunghoon’s, but throughout the years he had taught you enough so you could manage yourself on the ice. Sunghoon liked to show off new moves he had learned every time he saw you, and he loved to see how your face lit up with amazement when he pulled it off perfectly.

You mainly liked each other’s company, though. When you both were skating with each other, you were free to tell each other everything from your joys to your worries, trusting that the other would laugh with you or be there to comfort you. To each of you, skating with the other felt like home. Today especially, you both needed that. It had been a long day for the both of you; it was your first day of fifth grade, which also happened to be your first day of middle school.

“Today was rough,” you said as you skated alongside Sunghoon.

“Yeah. I didn’t think we would end up not having any classes together. Being apart from you for the whole day… ” Sunghoon sighed before he finished his sentence, “that’ll take some time to get used to.”

“By some miracle, we ended up in the same class every year from kindergarten to fourth grade,” you replied. “Obviously I didn’t think we would have every single class together until 12th grade, but I didn’t think about how hard it would be to be without you.”

“Me neither,” said Sunghoon. "After we got off the bus in the morning and I said goodbye to you, I only saw you once more the whole day. Unfortunately, we were in the hallway and you were way too far away for me to say hi to you. But sitting through eight classes without you in any of them felt really weird, like there was something missing.”

“I didn’t see you at all. All I could do was sit through all my classes, lonely because I barely knew anyone. I missed you, Sunghoon. I don't know how I’m going to do this,” you said with a cracked voice.

Sunghoon noticed you were about to cry, so he stopped skating and hugged you tightly. He let you rest your head on his shoulder as you cried. “It’s okay, y/n, don't cry.”

“It’s not okay!” you retaliated. “How am I supposed to survive middle school without you?”

“We won’t be without each other,” Sunghoon assured you. “I’m still alive, you know. We can still hang out like this after school. And once school clubs open up, we can find one we both like. In the meantime, I’m sure you’ll make some new friends; you’re good at that. You won’t be lonely for long, I promise.”

There was something so reassuring about Sunghoon’s voice that made you feel better. He was right; he wasn’t going anywhere. Even if you couldn’t be together in class, you would still see each other all the time. “Thanks, Sunghoon,” you said softly.

“Mm-hmm,” he said as he pulled away from the hug and wiped away one last stray tear from your face. “Are you good to keep skating?”

“Yeah,” you answered, and the two of you continued to skate. The two of you were quiet for some time, and then a lightbulb went off in the boy’s head.

“y/n, what’s your locker number?”

“56. Why?” you asked.

“Nothing,” Sunghoon said slyly as a sneaky smile crept up onto his face, “I was just curious.”

~~~

The next morning in second period, you were daydreaming instead of paying attention to the teacher. Among many other things, you were thinking of why Sunghoon wanted to know where your locker was. I’m sure it was nothing, you reasoned, but for some reason you couldn’t push the thought away.

After what seemed like forever, the bell rang and the class was dismissed. Your locker was right outside of that classroom, so you went there to switch out your things. As soon as you opened your locker, however, you were surprised to see a sticky note posted on the inside of the locker door. You were more surprised to see Sunghoon’s handwriting on it. Sunghoon had written you a note. It read,

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? Satisfactory!

You playfully scoffed at the joke before you continued to read the note.

Now you have this corny joke to remember me by all day so you won’t miss me as much. I’ll see you after school :)

From, Sunghoon your favorite person

P.S. My locker number is 179. Do what you will with this information ;)

You were so happy that your best friend had done something that special for you. You took the note and carefully placed it inside the cover of your binder so you would never lose it.

179, huh? You made sure to write Sunghoon a note in reply and put it in his locker before the day was over.

And so began a tradition between you and Sunghoon. Every day you would place a note in the other’s locker, whether it was a corny joke or a word of encouragement if one of you had a big test or a blank note on April Fools day. You never skipped a day; the only way one of you wouldn’t receive a note was if the other person wasn’t at school that day. This continued far beyond the fifth grade. You kept this up all the way through middle school, and now, almost all the way through high school.

☆March 2021☆

You and Sunghoon were now high school seniors, still each other’s closest friend.

Friend. You now shuddered to think of the word. You didn’t regret being by Sunghoon’s side for as long as you both could remember, but over the last two or so years you had developed feelings for him. You wished so badly that you could be more than friends, but you never brought the subject up to him because you didn’t want to risk what you’ve had since you were babies. The sophomore version of you figured that it was probably just a phase, that soon enough your little crush would go away and you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

How you wished that was the case.

Instead, your feelings were stronger than ever, and you found yourself constantly worrying. High school graduation was only three months away, and after that, the two of you were heading off to different universities. Would I have missed my chance by then?

Sunghoon, who was sitting next to you in history class, tapped his pencil on your desk, shaking you from your thoughts. You whipped your head in his direction, confused. He then pointed his pencil at the teacher, who was looking at you and expecting an answer. “I asked you a question, y/n.”

You glanced around the classroom and noticed that the whole class was staring at you. Embarrassed, you mumbled, “I’m sorry, Mr. Kim, I didn’t hear your question.”

Mr. Kim sighed in frustration. “I asked you what year the French Revolution started.”

You hesitated for a second. “Um, was it 1799?” you guessed, unsure of yourself.

“No,” he replied sharply. “1799 would be the year it came to an end. The revolution started in 1789. y/n, this is the third time I’ve caught you daydreaming during my class this week. I suggest you start paying attention.” And with that, he continued teaching.

You heard a few snickers around the room and you felt humiliated. You felt more blood than you thought you had rush to your face and you slouched down in your seat in shame.

Sunghoon glanced over at you sympathetically. He gave you a sympathetic smile as if to say, “I’m sorry,” and you reciprocated his smile.

You tried your hardest to pay attention to Mr. Kim for the rest of the class period, but it wasn’t easy. In fact, you were so far gone that the bell’s ringing at the end of class escaped your notice. As Sunghoon was packing up his things, he noticed you staring off into space, so he tapped his pencil on your desk once again. “Class is over, y/n,” he said. You saw that half the class was already gone and Mr. Kim was giving you an evil look. “Oh,” you said as you began packing up your things.

By the time you started to pack up, Sunghoon had already finished. You were lucky that he was nice enough to wait for you. “I’m sorry, Sunghoon,” you said apologetically.

“Don't apologize, y/n. I have no problem waiting for you,” he replied. “I have lunch right now anyways, so it doesn’t matter if I’m late.”

What did I do to deserve such an understanding friend?

Finally you finished packing up your things. “I’m ready to go now,” you said to Sunghoon as you put your backpack on.

“Okay, then,” he said. “Let’s go.” You walked with Sunghoon into the hallway.

“Is it an A day or a B day?” you asked as you walked alongside him. “I’m either going to study hall or AP Bio right now and I have no idea which one.” You hoped it was an A day, because you needed some time to yourself after what just happened in history.

“Today is a B day. You have a double period for Bio.”

You sighed in frustration. “Ugh.”

The two of you went quiet for some time. Then Sunghoon finally broke the silence. “y/n, are you okay?”

You quickly glanced at your friend, not knowing what he was referring to. “Yeah. What made you think otherwise?”

“You seem so unfocused lately.”

“Okay, Mr. Kim,” you said sarcastically.

“I’m serious, y/n. And I’m not just talking about history class. Like, you’re always on top of things. These days you seem so forgetful. For example, you’re the one to always remind me whether it’s an A day or a B day, yet today you had no idea. I know you tend to daydream easily, but these days you just seem so out of it. Is there something on your mind? You know you can tell me anything.”

I like you, Sunghoon. I like you a lot, but I have no idea how to tell you. I’m scared of ruining our friendship. I have the constant feeling of running out of time before we go to college, and I don't want it to be too late before I finally get the courage to tell you how I feel.

Of course, you couldn’t tell him any of that. All you could say was, “Don't worry, Sunghoon. I’m fine.” You felt a bit guilty because you rarely hid things from Sunghoon. He was aware of nearly everything that had ever worried you. But you just couldn’t bring yourself to tell him about this.

Sunghoon didn’t believe that you were as fine as you said you were. He thought that there was no way something wasn’t bothering you, not with you like this. However, he wasn’t the kind to pry, and he trusted that you would come to him once you felt comfortable. He said, “Okay. If you ever need anything, you know I’m here for you.”

You simply nodded, and the two of you continued to walk in silence until you approached the AP Bio classroom.

“I’ll see you later,” you said.

“Yeah. Um, I have ice skating practice after school today, but I’ll FaceTime you as soon as I get home. I’ll see you then.” He then smiled at you and said, “Keep your head up, okay?”

Once again, you responded by nodding your head. Sunghoon waved you goodbye and he was off to his next destination.

You watched hopelessly as he walked away, and you didn’t enter the classroom until he was completely gone from your sight.

~~~

As soon as you got home from school, you went straight to your room and onto your bed. You pulled your sheets over your head and closed your eyes, trying hard not to think about anything. You were mentally exhausted from thinking so much. Of course, your efforts to not think about the things that stressed you only made you think about them more. Finally, you felt yourself drift into sleep.

After some time, your eyes fluttered open and you checked your phone to see the time. You were out for two and a half hours. You wanted to face your problems instead of avoiding them, so you sat up on your bed and decided to call your friend Sunoo. Sunoo’s good with stuff like this, you thought as your phone rang. You bit your nails as you anxiously waited for him to pick up.

“Hey,” you heard Sunoo say finally.

“Hey Sunoo,” you replied. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much, how about you?”

“Well, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Go ahead, I’m listening.”

You took a deep breath to get rid of the nervous energy before you explained. “See, there’s someone that I like. A lot. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, but I don't know how to tell him how I feel. We’ve been friends for a long time now, and the last thing I want to do is ruin our friendship right before we head off to different colleges.”

“Oh,” said Sunoo. “Sunghoon, right?”

You felt your heart skip a beat and you raised an eyebrow. That’s suspicious. That’s weird. I’m pretty sure I never told Sunoo that I like Sunghoon. In fact, I didn’t tell anybody… “Um, yeah. How did you know it’s Sunghoon?”

Everyone and their uncle knows you and Sunghoon like each other. I’m pretty sure you two are the only people who don't know. You guys make it painfully obvious, Sunoo thought. “Um, uh, well I know Sunghoon has been your closest friend for a long time now. I figured if there was anyone you liked, it would be Sunghoon.”

“I suppose so,” you said.

“You should tell Sunghoon how you feel.”

You didn’t answer. You wished there was another way around this problem, but there wasn’t. The only option you had was to tell Sunghoon how you felt about him.

“y/n? Are you there?”

Shaken from your thoughts, you hopelessly said, “I can’t, Sunoo. I’m too scared.”

You heard Sunoo sigh before he responded. “There’s a chance he might like you too. But you have to shoot your shot, y/n. Because if you don't, one day you’ll be forty years old, wondering what might have been if you had told the boy you liked when you were 17 how you felt.”

You hated how right Sunoo was. “Sure, there might be a chance that he likes me too,” you started, not believing for a second the statement you just said, “But what if he doesn’t? I will have ruined our friendship.”

“I doubt something like that would ruin your friendship,” said Sunoo. “The bond between you two is incredibly strong, probably stronger than you realize. It’s gonna take a lot more than that to break you guys up. Of course, if he didn’t reciprocate your feelings, things might be awkward for some time, but eventually things will return to normal. Sunghoon would never leave you no matter what, and I know you wouldn’t leave him either.”

“Yeah, I guess so. But how do I even go about telling Sunghoon that I like him?”

“y/n, you’re way overcomplicating this. It’s a lot easier than you think. All you have to do is say the words: ‘Sunghoon, I like you.’ Repeat after me: ‘Sunghoon, I like you.’”

“Sunghoon, I like you,” you mumbled with clenched teeth.

“Louder, y/n, I can’t hear you,” Sunoo teased in a singsong voice.

You took a deep breath. “Sunghoon, I like you.”

“That’s more like it,” Sunoo said, satisfied. Then, all of a sudden he got an idea. “Don't y’all leave notes in each other’s lockers every day?”

You weren’t sure where Sunoo was going with this. “Yeah, why?”

“Slip a note in his locker asking him to meet you at the skating rink tomorrow after school. It should be easy to tell him then.”

You had to admit that it was a good idea. Wait. Tomorrow? “Tomorrow? That soon?”

“Mmm-hmm,” Sunoo answered without hesitation. “I don't see why not. Otherwise you’ll keep pushing it off and you’ll never actually do it.”

At this point, you were almost infuriated by how right Sunoo was.

“Okay, bet. I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“You better. In fact, I’ll make sure I call you before I go to bed to ask you how it went.”

You laughed a little. “I hear you laughing!” said Sunoo in a playful tone. “I’m serious, I will call you.”

You heard your mom call you for dinner. “Yeah. Listen, Sunoo, I have to go now, but thanks so much for the talk. I really needed that.”

“No problem, y/n, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay, bye.”

You put down your phone. I can do this, you said to yourself, feeling more determined than ever.

~~~

Not even five minutes after Sunoo got off the phone with you, he received another call. Who could that be? He thought to himself as he looked away from his homework and at his phone. A sneaky smile appeared on his face when he saw who was calling him.

“Hi Sunghoon,” said Sunoo as he picked up the phone.

“Hey,” said Sunghoon. “Uh, I called because I need to talk to you about something.”

Sunoo could see where he was going. “Of course. I’m all ears.”

“Well, there’s someone at school that I’ve liked for a while, but I really don't know how to tell them. I’m also worried that I might ruin our friendship.”

The smile wouldn’t come off Sunoo’s face, no matter how he tried. Are y/n and Sunghoon really that oblivious? “Park Sunghoon, it’s about time you talked to me about this.”

Sunghoon was confused. “What do you mean?”

“It’s y/n, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” said Sunghoon, more confused than before. “But what do you mean ‘it’s about time’?”

“Sunghoon, everyone knows that you like y/n. I’m not sure you could make it any more obvious. The way you look and smile at them when they’re talking to you says everything. You’re obviously whipped. When I first noticed, I was so excited for you, and I wanted to talk to you about it. But I didn’t want to bring it up first because that might have made you uncomfortable. So I waited. It’s been two long years.”

Sunghoon could feel his face flush red with embarrassment. Sunoo really said “This you?”

“Oh,” Sunghoon replied softly. “Well, does y/n know? Do you think they like me too?”

No, they don't know. They’re just as oblivious as you. It kills me how unaware of each other you guys are. Sunoo took a deep breath and chose his next words very carefully. “I can’t say. The only way you’ll know for sure is if you ask.”

“But I can’t tell y/n how I feel. I might ruin our friendship.”

Oh my god, thought Sunoo, it’s almost like they share the same brain. Sunoo assured Sunghoon that he wouldn’t ruin his friendship by telling you how he felt about you. Then, to spice things up, he decided to give Sunghoon the same suggestion he gave you.

“Wait, you might be on to something,” said Sunghoon.

“I know,” said Sunoo, “it’s a gift of mine.”

“That’s actually a good idea, Sunoo. I’ll try it. I have to go now though, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Alright, see ya.”

Sunoo hung up the phone, feeling quite proud of himself. “I love it when a plan comes together,” Sunoo said out loud as he continued his homework.

~~~

It was third period the next day. Calculus was your favorite subject, and the one you usually paid the most attention in. Not today, though. All you could think about was going to Sunghoon’s locker and putting the note in there. Once you did, there would be no going back.

You pulled out the note you had written from your folder. Meet me at the ice rink after school today, there’s something I want to tell you :) was what you had written. You stared at the piece of paper as if it would eat you alive. Your hands became sweaty and you could feel your heart racing. How could something so simple torment you so much?

The sound of the bell ringing interrupted your thoughts. Calculus was over, and it was time to go to lunch. You packed up your things and left the classroom. This was usually the time of day when you would slip your daily note into Sunghoon’s locker, so today before you went to lunch, you started to make your way there. It was the same time that Sunghoon would normally do the same thing (except he was on his way to physics), so you two would cross paths in the hallway.

Today when you crossed paths, you quickly said “hi” with a smile to each other. Of course, you both knew that you were going to each other’s lockers, but what you didn’t know was that you had the exact same message for each other.

As you approached Sunghoon’s locker, your heartbeat quickened and your temperature rose, making your glasses foggy. With shaky hands, you put in the combination on the lock and opened his locker. You stood there for a moment, negative scenarios flashing through your mind. You thought about what you would be risking (which, by the way, was everything). We’ve built so much over the years. Do I even dare?

You fixed your gaze on the small, blue, diamond-shaped magnet on the door of Sunghoon’s locker. Every day since fifth grade, you would use that magnet to attach your message to his locker. He had managed to keep the same one all these years. You were so used to seeing it everyday, yet soon enough you wouldn’t be seeing it anymore. That reminded you that you didn’t want to lose your chance with Sunghoon. It’s now or never.

You took a deep breath, then attached the note to the inside of the locker door. Before you could think about taking it back, you closed the locker shut and headed off to lunch. There was no turning back.

After lunch, you went to your locker to switch out your books. Once you opened it, you saw Sunghoon’s note... It wasn’t anything near what you were expecting. Your heart skipped a beat, and your eyes opened wider than you thought they could. "Meet me at the rink after school, there’s something important I need to tell you."

As if you weren’t more nervous today than you had ever been in your whole life, Sunghoon’s note sent you into anxiety overdrive. What could Sunghoon possibly have to tell me? There were endless possibilities. You thought for a second that maybe, just maybe, he wanted to tell you the same thing you wanted to tell him. But you immediately rejected that idea and laughed it off. Don't be ridiculous, y/n.

You convinced yourself that it likely had something to do with his ice skating - he probably had been invited to a championship or something like that. It wasn’t the first time Sunghoon had invited you to the rink so he could tell you something important. It was just a coincidence that you both had big news that day. You switched out your books and walked to your next class feeling confident.

~~~

When you made it to the rink after school, you saw that Sunghoon was already there, putting on his skates. “You’re late,” he teased.

“Yah, no I’m not! Just cuz you got here first doesn’t mean I’m late. I’m here after school, aren’t I?” you said as you playfully punched his arm.

Sunghoon burst out into laughter. “y/n, what was that? That didn’t even hurt.”

“I could have made it hurt if I wanted to,” you teased. “You’re lucky I’m nice.”

You went to get your skates, and a few minutes later you both were skating alongside each other. You and Sunghoon were talking to each other, but it was mostly small talk. It was obvious that you both were preoccupied with what you wanted to tell each other.

“How’s your sister?” you asked.

“She’s doing good.”

A pause.

“Have you decided on a topic for the English essay?” Sunghoon asked.

“I’m most likely going to do the Civil War. You?”

“I’m doing the Industrial Revolution.”

“Nice.”

Another pause.

Sunghoon sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair, a habit you noticed he had when he was nervous. “Let’s get rid of the elephant in the room. We both have stuff to tell each other," he said.

You felt your heart rate go up and you found yourself playing with your fingers to ward off the nervous energy. “Mmm-hmm.”

Sunghoon noticed that you were a bit uneasy. “Do you want me to go first?”

As much as you wanted to say yes, you didn’t trust yourself to not chicken out at the last minute. It took every nerve in your body for you to say, “I’ll go first.”

“Okay. I’m ready when you are.”

“It’s definitely a big one,” you said. You stopped skating, and Sunghoon followed. You were so nervous that you couldn’t even make eye contact with him. I can do this, you thought to yourself as you began.

“Well, Sunghoon, we’ve been best friends since the beginning, you know? And, um, through all these years you’ve been there for me through thick and thin. You’ve honestly been the best friend I’ve ever had. Well, you see, it’s been about two years since I started feeling differently about you. I’ve been dying for so long to tell you how I feel, but I was scared that I might ruin our friendship. But I’ve been thinking a lot about my feelings lately, and I just can’t hide this from you anymore.”

Are they about to tell me what I think they are? Sunghoon thought to himself.

You took a deep breath before you continued. “I guess what I mean to say is,” you said as you finally looked up to make eye contact with Sunghoon, “is that I like you, Sunghoon. Could we be more than friends?”

At this point, you were insanely anxious. Your heart was beating out of your chest, and you thought you could faint. And it didn’t help that Sunghoon wasn’t saying anything, just staring at you. What you didn’t know was that he was just as anxious as you; he was just better at keeping it all in than you. He could hardly believe that he had just heard those words from you.

You immediately broke eye contact with Sunghoon and looked off to the side so he couldn’t see how embarrassed you were. “Or not,” you mumbled. “I mean if you don't wanna be more than friends that’s okay I mean we can still be friends that’s completely fine I just hope I haven’t ruined everything oh God who am I kidding what have I done-”

You were interrupted by the sound of Sunghoon sighing. Out of the corner of your eye you could see him smiling from ear to ear. You turned your head to face him and said, “What?”

“Stop rambling already.”

Before you had time to process what he said, he leaned in and quickly, yet softly, kissed your cheek. You were in utter shock and disbelief, and you felt your face go hot. A tiny smile came across your face.

Sunghoon saw your glasses fogging up and that’s when he knew you were blushing. He decided to tease you. “Aw, I make you flustered.”

You became playfully defensive and flicked his hand. “Yah! No you don't.”

Sunghoon laughed. “Yes I do,” he said as he swiftly took your hand and intertwined it with his. He swung your hand up and down and his smile got even bigger as your eyes lit up. “You look like the pleading eyes emoji right now.”

You let out a nervous yet happy laugh. “Sunghoon, you’re killing me.” Never in your wildest dreams did you think this moment would ever come to be.

Sunghoon cleared his throat. “In all seriousness though, y/n, I really like you too.”

“I’m so glad I was able to get that out,” you said as you let out a happy sigh. “I’d been keeping it in for a long time. I was so worried about messing up our friendship and especially over the past few weeks I’ve been worried about once we go to college, we’ll be physically apart. Thankfully, though, yesterday I talked to Sunoo about everything and he really helped me muster the courage to tell you how I feel.”

Sunghoon’s heart skipped a beat when you mentioned Sunoo. There’s no way. “Oh, you talked to Sunoo? I heard he’s good with stuff like that. What did he say?”

“You know, he told me that it was better for me to shoot my shot so that down the road I wouldn't regret not taking a chance. And he was right. I don't regret this at all.”

“Well, I’m glad you told me, because I would really like to be more than friends with you. And, um, I’m not worried about going off to different colleges or being physically apart. I believe in us; we’ll find a way.”

“Then I’m not worried about it either,” you said, relieved.

“I’m glad,” Sunghoon said. “Does Saturday work for a date? I can pick you up at your house around 7:00.”

“That sounds great, Sunghoon.”

“Perfect,” said Sunghoon, his smile bigger than ever. “You wanna keep skating now?”

“Yeah,” you answered. “I’d like that.”

You and Sunghoon continued to skate, and the rest of the afternoon was filled with happiness and laughter. The smiles never came off either of your faces, and neither of you had even thought of letting go of the other’s hand. The two of you were so happy in this moment and you didn’t want it to end.

All good things must come to an end, though, and your afternoon with Sunghoon was no different. Sunghoon felt his phone vibrate in the pocket of his hoodie and he pulled it out. His mom had sent him a text. “My mom’s asking me where I am,” said Sunghoon with a twinge of disappointment. “I guess I can’t blame her; we’ve been here for almost four hours. I should get going.”

“No problem Sunghoon. I should probably get home as well. I need to get started on my homework.”

You and Sunghoon left the rink, still holding hands. You two were parked next to each other in the parking lot, and there you said your goodbyes. Before you went in your car, however, you thought of something. “Hey, Sunghoon, did you have anything in mind you wanted to tell me when you invited me here? You know, anything not related to what I told you?”

“Nope. That was exactly it,” Sunghoon said with a smile. “Believe it or not, I also talked to Sunoo yesterday evening.”

“No way,” you said, a bit dumbfounded. “Did you actually?”

“Yeah. Looks like great minds think alike.” He gave you a wink, and before he turned around to get in his car, he said, “I’ll see you on Saturday.”

#enhypen #enhypen sunghoon #sunghoon x reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #park sunghoon #enhypen blurbs #enhypen fluff #enhypen soft hours #enhypen writers #enhypen reactions #enhypen timestamps #enhypen angst

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sunlightwoo · 4 years

Text

never not

ღ pairing: mingyu x reader

ღ genre: established relationship au, fluff and like awkward phases in dating ahaha

ღ plot: you and mingyu go back in time and think about what happened on your first date on your fifth anniversary, in which you remember how you’ve both grown into the people you were today.

ღ a/n: for precious bean mina, @svtegg, i know we haven’t talked in a while but i hope that you’ve been well ehehe i think the day i asked you about mingyu was like little spoiler for this but its okay! i hope we can catch up soon and sending lots of love to you!!! for anyone that wants the song, it is linked here!

“What do you mean, you have something planned?”

You looked at the person in question with a confused expression and he gives you his familiar wide grin, when he suddenly gives you a book that was somehow carefully hidden behind his back. Taking it into your hands, you were still facing him on the couch that you were both sitting on, exchanging gifts for your anniversary when you looked to see that it was a photo album in particular.

One that you remember seeing multiple times sneakily, only to have him only flick your forehead every time you got a peek of it.

“Happy anniversary, Y/N.” He grins, and by the time that you open up to the first page of the many, the polaroid that was from your first date immediately brought a smile to your face, remembering all the catastrophe that went on during it.

You remember how extremely nervous you were because it was another endless blind date that your friend was setting you up with, no idea on who the other person was. The only name that they had given you was Mingyu, and you felt as though you had heard this name before in your life.

However, your assumptions were almost immediately correct by the time that you saw the tall attractive man walk over to you, asking if your name matched with the one that fell off his lips. Your throat running dry at the time failed you, which made you result to a small nod as you recognized him from all the lecture halls in your psychology class that you were pretty sure you barely passed because of him.

“Y/L Y/N... Say, we didn’t happen to have psych 1100 together, did we, in our sophomore year?” He asks you and your cheeks heat up once you realized that he recognized you from then, and you were only flustered from there on out.

“I knew I recognized you from somewhere.” You smile, leaning back into your seat as he takes his across from you, wondering how fate planned the timing to meet the mesmerizing person that distracted his mind all throughout college.

You had to admit, the entire blind date was awkward as neither of you said anything, too flustered because of the other person to let out a single word or complement at all. It wasn’t until you both leave the restaurant and head towards the Han River that someone comes up to you both to take a picture by the river that you kept the polaroid of it.

And even though it was awkward, somehow that photo being taken in the moment was also the ice breaker where you became warmer with the other’s presence.

The start of where you were now.

Looking up from where you were still holding the phonebook in your hands, you were already finished flipping through the endless photos of memories you created together over the years, every one better than the last in a way. Tears were already pricking at the corners of your eyes, but it was the words that were written at the bottom of the last page that you almost missed when you read them once again before looking up at Mingyu.

Will you marry me and start a new adventure full of memories?

He now is kneeling in front of you, a ring that he must’ve hidden well after all this time in his fingers as you felt your breath taken away at the sight of it. But you knew that it was him all along, and there was never a moment in your life where you didn’t think otherwise.

You just knew that it was him.

“Let’s do it... I’ll marry you, Mingyu.”

#A Song For You #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #seventeen oneshots #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #kim mingyu #mingyu imagines #mingyu scenarios #mingyu fluff #mingyu angst #seventeen #tctwriters

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kisskissbanggang · 4 years

Text

What You Don’t Know

[15Min Read/4.5K Words - College AU - Jisung x Female Reader - NSFW/Smut, 1/3 Plot - Femdom, Dom/Sub, Finding Kinks, Hair Pulling, Sub Awakening, Drinking Buddies, Friends to Lovers(?)]

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It's not like you hated Jisung when you met him. It wasn't like you liked him, either. Really, you didn't anything Jisung the first time your friends invited their new roommate out for drinks. All Minho had mentioned was he was a bit of a nerd and a bit of an introvert, but he definitely didn't seem that way when you got to the bar after work. Jisung was slamming a shot with your friends and laughing in only the way you can when it's not your first of the night, and you were already vastly indifferent to him.

The only person who showed any extraneous interest in him was Stephanie, the group’s very own groupie. She'd slept her way through their whole house, starting with Felix back when they still lived in the dorms, and now they could never really shake her. Stephanie was fine, she was pretty and smart, but she didn't bring much else to the table and she certainly never made any efforts of her own to become friends with you as the guys suggested you try yourself at multiple points. Lately, she'd had her eyes set once again on her original goal: Chan, the name on the house’s lease and the first of them to graduate -- but to perpetually no avail. You had to applaud the arrogance in such a venture. Chan would be too busy with work for the foreseeable future to humor a girl like Stephanie, but she tried nonetheless.

Until Jisung moved in. Now she had her sights set on him, and none of the guys interfered as this near rite of passage took place. Presently, she was sitting hip to hip with him in the booth, completely oblivious to his discomfort and trying hard to crack through his inhibitions enough to do anything resembling flirting. You and Minho had simply watched, amused, judging from the other side of the booth and sipping your drinks.

What wasn't nearly as amusing was catching sight of your professor's new TA when you walked into the first class of your last college course. Jisung definitely made eye contact with you, but froze in a way that convinced you that he either didn't remember your name or desperately didn't want to socialize with you, both options suiting you just fine. Jisung didn’t say anything during class, he barely interacted with students, and he mostly kept to himself as Professor Brown droned.

For the first three days.

Finally, once Friday hit, the boys invited you back to the bar and you knew you shouldn't be surprised to see Jisung there. You and Minho watched as Stephanie tried and tried and tried to get Jisung to dance with her, until she finally gave up and cajoled Felix into doing it. And, once Minho left to get you a second round, you found yourself sitting next to the mousiest, quietest boy you’d ever met. That stumped you, seeing as he was just fine with the guys. You didn't feel jealous because, of course, you didn’t anything Jisung since you knew next to nothing about him, but it was interesting to watch him switch gears from friends to strangers.

“I liked your outline.”

“What?” You asked, whipping your head around to find Jisung quickly averting his gaze back into his beer. He coughed up a little more confidence.

“I liked your outline that you turned in.”

You blinked, impressed that he could actually make a move to just be nice to you. “Thanks,” you smiled genuinely, “it’s something I've been thinking of writing for the last year or so.”

“I look forward to reading your draft,” he said with a small grin. You were able to prod him after that, really pick his brain over the better parts of your outline and how to best represent that in your draft. “So,” he began one more beer later, now much more loosened up and relaxing back into the booth seat, “how do you even know these guys?”

“I met Chan in sophomore year,” you thought back, “and we almost got together, but you know Chan. He’s too busy for anything, even then he still was.” Jisung choked on his beer for a second but motioned for you to continue despite his quiet coughing. “So Chan and I are friends, and I sort of just became friends with everyone else, but especially Minho.”

“They’re good guys,” Jisung nodded into his drink.

“What about you? You just moved in but aren’t you graduating soon, too? How does that work?”

Jisung shrugged. “Tired of the campus apartments and finally had enough money to move out. It’s like a nice transition from college to the real world.”

“So you're enjoying it?”

“Yeah,” Jisung smiled his small smile as he looked at you, “I'm loving living off campus. And it’s great opening up my circle of friends.”

Becoming friends with Jisung was incredibly easy. So now you liked Jisung, but not much else. He was friendly now to the point of occasional annoyance, but who didn’t have their moments? He waved hello during class and would sometimes hand you back assignments with little non sequiturs or drawings scribbled on post-its stuck to the back. Every once in a while, he could be convinced to hang out in the cafe on campus if you caught him walking by.

It was really easy to be friends with Jisung, until Stephanie decided she was tired of just being friends and wanted to begin her conquest. Now you had to deal with her tagging along everywhere, constantly cooing over Jisung and dressing him up and parading him around. The first time he showed up to the bar with a scarf, you knew better. It was March. You stood up, grandly asking the boys to give you their attention as you made Jisung face you in all his confusion until you whipped his scarf off, revealing a giant hickey the hue of black cherries. The boys all groaned in unison and proceeded to razz Jisung for joining their de facto club all night until, of course, Stephanie showed up. You and Minho grimaced as the night went on and, sure enough, three beers later Stephanie had climbed into Jisung’s lap in the booth and proceeded to make out for twenty minutes.

You weren’t jealous, of course. You just missed when Stephanie wouldn’t constantly be around. She didn’t even really know how to be with Jisung. Every time he reached his arm under hers to hold her hand, she shuffled him around to put his arm around her shoulder. Every time he went to kiss her cheek, she insisted that he kiss her lips. She was always getting him to hold her by the hips or waist when they were out at the bar or at parties, but he always seemed so compliant, so bored, so underutilized.

One night at your usual booth, you were squished in between Minho and Jisung, fighting with Min over how you were very much a switch, and he was a liar for insisting he wasn't as well.

“I’m a bottom,” Minho shook his head defiantly.

“No, you’re not! What about the cute guy from your art class in sophomore year?”

“A phase,” he shrugged.

“What about the tall girl from the volleyball team last summer?”

“A different phase,” he insisted.

“You’re a liar and a fiend,” you laughed. “You’re a switch through and through.”

“What’s a switch?” Came Jisung from your other shoulder.

“What?”

“What's a switch?” He laughed, practically pushing off Stephanie who was still trying to steal all his attention.

“You know,” you searched for the words in the bottom of your beer, “there’s tops, and bottoms, and switches. Where they can be either.”

“Well Jisung is absolutely a top,” Stephanie insisted, stunned as you laughed out loud.

“Jisung?! A top?!”

“Babe,” Minho jokingly warned behind you, trying to calm you down before you got too rowdy. You patted his hand off of you.

“Jisung is not a top,” you shook your head firmly. “Jisung is a switch, too, and a total sub to boot.”

“Oh, come on!” Jisung laughed boisterously, “And a sub?!”

“Jisung is not a sub,” Stephanie whined.

“You’re too busy telling him what to do to notice,” you guffawed, “Jisung is a sub. Watch.”

You curiously watched your own hand move before you even thought, outside yourself as your fingers ran up the back of Jisung’s neck and into his hair to firmly grip him at the root before manhandling him around to look into your eyes as he leaned into you. And you would've been mortified that you made such a rash decision, if Jisung didn’t compound this whole thing by his surprised yelp coming out sounding a lot more like a moan. His bright eyes drank you in as you both sat in the booth, your fingers still tangled in his hair until Minho grabbed your hand.

“Beer,” Minho grumbled behind you.

“Beer?”

“Beer, come get more beer with me.” Minho tugged you out of the booth and right into Chan as he finally entered the bar, his work bag still slung over his shoulder.

“Hey!” He smiled wide as he clapped a hand on Minho’s shoulder. Chan looked at you now, eyebrow raised as he noticed something. “You’re red. What happened?”

“Caligula here just dommed Jisung in the fucking booth, in front of Stephanie.”

Chan blinked and he immediately grabbed your hand. “That’s not great. That means it’s time to get you home.”

You stubbornly shook your head, “No, no no, you just got here.”

“Good. I'll take you home before I start drinking.”

Chan marched you out and expectantly held open the door of his dumpy little commuter car, waiting for you to give up and get in.

“So you did what now?” He asked as he revved the engine.

“I don't know!” You insisted. “I was just playing around but I, you know, pulled Jisung’s hair.”

“Hot,” Chan smirked, “but I'm sure Stephanie hates you now.”

“Oh,” you rolled your eyes, “like she didn’t already.”

“She doesn’t, but you and Jisung are just friends, and you’ve been known to make trouble like this.”

“That was one time!”

“Yes,” Chan nodded exaggeratedly, “and we almost slept together.”

You slouched in the passenger seat, watching streetlights as they passed overhead.

“You’re right, of course.” Chan remarked offhandedly.

“What?”

“Jisung is such a sub.”

It was pretty easy to avoid Jisung outside of class, but you did, admittedly, miss him. You kind of missed talking about movies, or sitting and watching dumb videos online, or sharing music back and forth. You sort of missed how he brought you snacks and complimented your outfits and always tried to mind your feelings even when he was critiquing your work. So it sort of sucked when Minho asked you to run to the house before coming to the bar because he forgot his wallet.

You prayed and prayed and prayed that Jisung was already at the bar, but of course he was the one to open the door.

“Hey,” he greeted awkwardly.

“Hey,” you stiffly returned his nod, “Minho forgot his wallet.”

Jisung stepped aside to let you into the old house, and was a couple steps behind you as you made your way up the creaky stairs. “Following me?” You laughed.

“Oh, excuse me,” Jisung giggled, “I’m just trying to get back to my room to finish cleaning.”

“You? Cleaning? Lies.”

Jisung jokingly scoffed and passed you to head into the door opposite Minho’s. You set about looking for the lost wallet, finally finding it having fallen off his nightstand and almost under the bed. You stood up, dusting yourself off and cracking your back before you turned, gasping to see Jisung in the doorway.

“Is it dumb if I say I missed you?” He admitted, almost shy with his small smile.

You jokingly gasped. “How dare you have emotions?”

“Because I did,” he shrugged. “I've missed you. Just thought you should know.”

“Oh, Jisung,” you grinned affectionately, “I missed you, too. Hurry up with your cleaning and we can go to the bar together.” You squeezed his hand as you passed him in the doorway, taking a quick second to toss your arms around his shoulders and give him a quick hug.

The hug lingered, just a beat longer than usual to not surprise you when you noticed Jisung breathing you in from the crook of your neck. You let yourself pet his hair for a moment before you began to pull away, but Jisung caught you, his hand snaking back to yours on his hair. Even as he stood a little taller than you, Jisung’s eyes were bright as they silently implored you, and you couldn’t keep resisting the curious urge you were feeling.

Your fingers wove into Jisung’s hair, letting him feel everything before you firmly gripped him by the root again and pulled him in, making him have to hold back where he was, leaning in from the door frame and his lips hovering moments away from yours. And then you came back to your senses.

“Wait,” you croaked, quickly relinquishing him and dipping away, “wait wait wait, I’m sorry, this is great, I want to, but Stephanie -- and you know -- I’ll see you at the bar.”

You spun on your heel to get downstairs and get the hell out, wishing more than anything your racing heart would calm down.

“I broke up with Stephanie on Tuesday,” Jisung piped up behind you.

“What?” You stopped in your tracks, your hand still on the railing.

“I said I broke up with Stephanie on Tuesday.”

You slowly turned to look at Jisung at the top of the stairs. “No one ‘breaks up’ with Stephanie.”

Jisung sighed defeatedly. “I know. I told her I don’t want to fool around anymore and then she said whatever and implied I don’t know how to use my dick.”

“So you chased off Stephanie on Tuesday, but you didn’t tell me?”

“No. None of the guys know. I mean, except for Minho. Stephanie is fine, she’s pretty but talking to her is like trying to make a bonfire out of toothpicks.”

You stared at Jisung’s obliviousness. “You chased off Stephanie on Tuesday,” you emphasized, “and you didn’t tell me?”

Jisung shook his head, big eyes still curiously watching for your reaction, and widening as you stormed back up the stairs. You picked up right where you left off, only now hopping up to wrap your legs around his waist as you tangled your fingers back into his hair and finally kissed him.

“Should I have told you?” He meekly chuckled against your lips.

“You should've told me. Bedroom, now.”

“Bedroom? Why the --”

“Bedroom or else I'm going to fuck you right here in the hallway.”

“Yes, ma'am.” Jisung fell back against his bedroom door with you in tow, your fingers gently tugging on his hair as you kissed him hard. Your tongue provoked his own to respond in kind, Jisung hungrily licking into your mouth and his moans sounding more like whines in your ear. He pushed open the bedroom door, sending you both stumbling in as he carried you to bed. You were set down softly and you caught your breath for a moment. You briefly took in the sight of Jisung’s side of the room, smirking at the piles of books and CD’s heavily contrasting with Felix’s much tidier side.

“This is clean?”

“Well,” Jisung floundered despite (or in light of) your devilish grin, “it’s cleaner.”

Jisung leaned down to join you in bed before you pushed him back off of you. He stood up straight and waited, patiently wondering what you were up to.

“Strip.”

“What?”

“Don't pretend like you didn’t hear me,” you laughed, “take off something, and I’ll do the same. Got it?”

Jisung nodded, eyes wide again for a moment before he decided to first kick off his shoes and socks, waiting to see if you followed through. He watched intently as you did the same. Next, he looked you both over before sliding off his jacket and letting it drop to the floor. His Adam's apple bobbed as you did this as well, dropping your jacket off the side of the bed. You watched as Jisung openly switched between the hem of his t-shirt and the waistband of his jeans, unable to decide just what to do here before settling on his shirt. It was nice seeing him like this, not seeing his body like this for the first time in bed, but playing around in the dimly warm light of his bedroom. His chest was smooth, not sculpted but still defined, and the faint lines of his hips leading your eyes down to his jeans before you remembered how the game was supposed to work and to slip your top off as well. Jisung watched, caught up in the way you undressed, in the way you looked as you unclipped your bra for him and dropped that off the side of the bed, too. He gulped, almost comically, before he unbuttoned his jeans and dropped them. You didn’t hide how you stared at the growing bulge tenting his briefs as you unbuttoned and slid off your jeans as well. Jisung’s fingers wavered as he went to tug his underwear down over his erection, standing tall and blushing against his neatly trimmed hair. You crooked a finger to him, beckoning him closer as he stood naked before you in the room.

“You do this part,” you smiled sweetly, laying back on his bed. Jisung nodded and leaned down to slide his warm hands up your thighs and pull your panties down. You gently cupped his face before you couldn't resist tugging on his hair again, loving the soft whines it made him produce, how it made him wince and shiver just a little when you were less intense. Your lips met again as you brazenly reached for Jisung’s rigid cock, massaging his length in your hand as you finally pulled him into bed with you. “So you’re already plenty good at listening,” you teased, “what else are you good at?”

“Whatever you want me to be,” Jisung smiled breathlessly.

“What did I tell you,” you giggled, “you’re such a sub. Now lie down and call me ma’am again.”

“Yes ma'am.” Jisung eagerly lay down beside you, surprised yet again as you climbed on top of him, the heat of your bodies enough to blanket you in his cozy bedroom. You softly kissed his lips and he watched patiently, obediently, as you kissed his forehead next and moved up to ultimately perch yourself on his chest, your exposed pussy on full display in front of his parted lips. A smirk preceded you pushing Jisung’s head back as he instinctively leaned forward to lick you.

“Ask first,” you gently warned him.

Jisung licked his lips, his throat dry from how much he’d already whined for you. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Can I lick your pussy?”

“I don’t know,” you cracked a mean smile, “can you?”

Jisung threw his head back in the pillow with a laugh. “Come on, please, may I lick your pussy?”

“Yes, baby, lick my pussy.”

“Yes ma'am.” You stroked your fingers into Jisung’s hair as he closed his eyes and dove into your glistening folds. He more than deserved some encouragement from just how eager he was, moaning as he tasted you and laved at your clit. In fact, he was good enough that you predicted you would have to be careful to not cum too fast. You lightly pulled Jisung off of you, standing up over him and giving him quite the view as you turned around to reposition yourself to face his feet instead. “May I continue?” Jisung breathed, and you were impressed. He just wanted to please you and play by your rules. You couldn’t see a disobedient bone in his body, and if he had one he didn’t give any hints of it.

“Yes, baby, you can continue.”

Jisung hummed contentedly as he began licking you again, his hands pulling at your thighs as he moaned against your pussy. He jumped as your hand closed around his hard cock again, lightly stroking his length that had the smallest curve upwards. His moans against your clit drove you wild, and it provoked you to stroke him harder until you could hardly stand it. You finally dipped his length into your mouth, stroking his cock as you sucked on him as well. Jisung apparently couldn't control his small thrusts into your mouth until you spanked his thigh to calm him down, and his hushed whimpers were an amazing undercurrent to the room. The faint taste of precum was coating your tongue. All of it -- Jisung’s licking, his whines, his cock in your mouth -- was serving to create an orgasm that you refused to have yet. You dipped Jisung’s hard length deeper into your mouth, almost into your throat, and loving how he had to stop licking you for a moment from the force of his moan before you rolled off of him.

The both of you caught your breath for a second, chests heaving as Jisung absently reached his hand under yours to interlace your fingers together. You smiled softly, leaving over to kiss his brow.

“Are you good to keep going?” You asked quietly, almost proud of Jisung’s eager nod. You climbed back on top of him, the entrance of your pussy set right on the head of Jisung’s cock. You could've sworn Jisung held his breath as you firmly mounted him and took his length inside you. He watched, rapt as you took your time rocking your hips on his. “Why aren't you touching me?” You teasingly purred.

“I'm sorry, ma'am,” Jisung rasped, and quickly set to stroking your clit while intermittently fondling your breasts as you rode him.

“Is it good, baby?”

“So good,” Jisung choked out between moans.

“Be grateful,” you gently reminded him.

“Thank you, ma'am,” Jisung whimpered as your tight depths massaged his length, “thank you for letting me fuck you.”

“Of course,” you smiled warmly. “Now do you think you can make me cum?”

Jisung let out a loud groan at your words, his thumb on your clit becoming a little more earnest.

“Say it,” you lightly chided as you pinched his hand currently on your tit. You lit up at his small yelp from the pain.

“Yes ma'am,” Jisung struggled.

“Louder,” you encouraged.

“Yes ma'am!” Jisung moaned louder now, his hips now also rolling along with yours to drive his length harder against your spot.

“Good, baby. Now remember it’s not your turn yet, alright?”

“Yes ma'am,” Jisung groaned, fully wrecked by now as your moans grew a bit more desperate.

“Fuck me, Jisung,” you mewled, “fuck me and make me cum.”

“Yes ma'am,” Jisung breathed, his other hand now holding onto your thigh as he bounced you hard on his cock in tandem with his stroking thumb. He watched, enraptured, as you threw your head back and came with a cry, your pussy clenching and shuddering around his throbbing cock.

You took a moment to breathe and come back to earth, the thin sheen of sweat on your brow likely matching Jisung’s as you collapsed onto his chest. “Ready to keep going?” You panted.

“Are you?” Jisung chuckled. “You just orgasmed, after all.”

“That’s when it’s best,” you assured him with a grin as you absently stroked his chin. “You’re doing so good. I feel so good. I need you to finish.”

“Yes ma'am,” Jisung nodded gravely. “How do you want me?”

You leaned over to kiss his cheek as you reached for his hand and pulled him over to face you, ultimately pulling him up and between your legs on the bed. “What a quick learner,” you praised, “you’re so well-behaved. Now fuck me. I bet you're cute when you cum.”

Jisung shivered at the condescension as he buried his leaking cock inside you. He already filled you out so well, so satisfyingly, but you wanted to see how far he could be pushed.

“Come on,” you taunted, “don’t be afraid to get a good angle. Actually fuck me.”

“Yes ma'am,” Jisung groaned, invigorated to hoist one of your legs up to drive into you deeper. Actually, after a few thrusts like this, Jisung paused, grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed, and gently manhandled you to slide it under your ass. With this improved angle, Jisung got your leg back up and easily slid back inside you, the proudest grin on his exhausted face as you cried out and gripped the sheets from the way he filled you up now. In fact, he was hitting your spot in a way you hadn’t encountered much, in a way that could maybe make you cum again if you weren’t so worn out. “Please ma'am,” Jisung begged sweetly, “may I cum?”

“Yes, baby,” you pleaded, “please cum.”

“Yes ma'am--!” Jisung grunted out a strangled groan as he clutched onto you, bucking hard into you and screwing his eyes shut as he came.

It was Jisung’s turn to collapse onto you and suck in lungfuls of air, his cock still throbbing deep inside you with your legs finally easing back against the bed as you held him close.

“That was so good,” you softly praised, kissing the top of his head where he lay on top of you. “Have you ever done anything like that before?”

“Never,” Jisung exhaled a chuckle onto your chest, his breath lightly tickling your skin. “Never eaten pussy before, either.”

“What?!” You blurted. “You had me fooled. Was it good?”

“So good,” Jisung laughed softly against you. “You taste amazing.”

“And how was it? Letting someone have control?”

“Everything I didn’t realize I'd been daydreaming about for years. I expected you to be rougher, honestly.”

“You should take it slow,” you shook your head. “Besides, there's always next time.”

“Next time?”

You patted Jisung's shoulder to signal you wanted to sit up and he let you, rolling onto your side. “Yeah, next time. If that’s what you want?”

“Of course I do,” Jisung smiled giddily as he finally rolled out of bed to get dressed again. He threw you your jacket and clothes. “By the way, jog my memory: what did you originally come here for anyway?”

“Minho’s wallet,” you shrugged, pulling it out of your jacket pocket to show him. Jisung blinked hard at it.

“That’s not Minho’s wallet.”

“It isn't?”

“Not his new one, anyway. I saw him put his new one in his pocket on his way out to the bar.”

You thought hard about it before sighing out a laugh. “He's waiting for me to say something, then. Do me a favor and don't mention this at all when we go to the bar.”

Jisung cracked a sly grin for you. “Yes ma'am.”

#skzsmutnet #kprose-net #han jisung x reader #han jisung x you #stray kids fanfiction #han jisung #stray kids jisung #SO UH. this is my first 24 hour turnaround #like created the doc and posted #GO ME

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kuramirocket · 3 years

Text

It was the biggest day of Abraham Montaño’s life.

The butterflies in the first-year Fresno State kicker’s stomach prevented him from getting much sleep.

As he looked out the window, he gazed at Autzen Stadium. That college football cathedral was the site where Montaño would make his first college football start. He learned he was starting just a day before the game.

Once he stepped on the field and admired the empty stadium that would soon be rocking with fans, it finally hit him.

This was the shot he had been working on for the past couple of years.

But if you asked him in high school, he said he wasn’t too fond of football.

Football was basically a foreign language to him growing up. Montaño grew up in a Mexican community on the east side of Salinas. And his father, José Alfredo, made sure he stayed connected with his roots, sending his kids to Mexico almost every summer.

Montaño spent his summers helping the family business, where he would make and sell tortillas. After that, he helped around his family’s ranch in Jalisco.

And of course, like many Mexican children growing up, he said soccer was his first true love. Soccer – or fútbol as Montaño insisted on calling it – practically ran through the family.

His older brother, Enrique, was a star player at Alisal High School. After spending a year at Hartnell, Enrique would go on to play three years at San José State University before pursuing a professional career in the United Soccer League.

Vanessa, his sister, grew up around the sport and excelled in it to the point where she had interest from the Mexico women’s national team before an ACL injury forced her to give up soccer.

Even as a four-year-old, Montaño knew playing soccer was a no-brainer, and that’s the only thing he cared about for a majority of his life.

His mission was to become a professional soccer player.

When he first started playing, Montaño shined amongst the kids in his age group.

“He was so good with view, so technical, so skillful, and he had a lot of power especially when he started playing with older kids,” his brother Enrique said. “He was driven and curious, just wanted to improve every single time he would train.”

Montaño described himself to be a versatile player. His true passion, however, was to contribute offensively.

His dominance carried him into high school. Like his siblings, Montaño went on to play for Alisal. As a freshman, he had a short stint on the junior varsity team. Montaño said it was an instrumental part of his career and what was to come.

He was a key piece in the Trojans’ championship runs. In his sophomore year, the team went 10-0 in the league, earning an MBL-Gabilan title. But the following season, the Trojans had the chance to compete against tougher opponents and play in the inaugural California Interscholastic Federation regional soccer tournament.

During that season, Alisal became champions. They won the inaugural CIF Division 2 bracket. Montaño was a key player and was awarded all-league honors.

The soccer journey Montaño envisioned was starting to pan out the way he always dreamed about.

Montaño still asks himself – what is someone with a soccer career and accolades doing kicking for the Bulldogs on Saturdays?

He wasn’t too fond of some aspects of the sport growing up.

“I wouldn’t say I disliked it, but I did hate specific aspects of the sport,” Montaño said.

Montaño especially didn’t take it too kindly that the football team would take up their practice time and space during the beginning of the soccer season.

But the football players were a big fan of Montaño and the power he had in his left leg.

A coach at Hartnell, was the one to finally crack the code with Montaño.

“He told me the potential I had, and I decided to stop being a knucklehead and listen to him,” Montaño said.

After a successful senior year kicking for the Trojans football team, Montaño returned to play soccer and finished his career with Alisal’s soccer team. But as graduation quickly approached, he was facing a dilemma. While his goal was to always go pro in soccer, his father always wanted his kids to have a career, so a good education was equally important.

Montaño had the talent at the next level. But like his brother, he needed to make a stop at Hartnell College. It was a matter of what sport he wanted to dedicate himself to in college since football and soccer both went on at the same time.

It was the hardest decision of his life, but he decided that pursuing football full-time was the best option for him.

“When he told me he wanted to drop soccer, I was very sad,” his father, Alfredo, said. “He had a bright future ahead with soccer and that’s all he did his whole life.”

Even with how Alfredo felt about Montaño’s decision to play football over soccer, he was always going to support his son no matter what.

“Watching him play on TV just made me so proud of him,” Alfredo said. “How can I not be proud of my kids? They’ve done everything and more than what I could have asked for.”

The COVID-19 pandemic sidelined the entire world, and junior college football was no exception. As the severity of the global pandemic grew, Montaño started to think that this was the end of his journey.

The Fresno State special teams coordinator liked what he saw from Montaño and met with him virtually in September of 2020. But, according to Montaño, that was the last thing he heard from them until January.

Just a week before the spring semester started at Fresno State, Montaño got a call.

Now that Montaño is at Fresno State, he said he plans on developing both as a player and as a person.

He’s off to a good start, according to his coaches. The pressure of playing in one of college football’s loudest stadiums with over 43,000 fans didn’t phase him. He was perfect in three field goal attempts, nailing them from 33, 39 and 22 yards.

When Montaño makes his debut at Bulldog Stadium, he’s hoping to see a Mexican flag in the stands to remind him who he is playing for: his familia.

#🇲🇽#football #sports #frenso state #autzen stadium #mexican

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misc-headcanons · 4 years

Note

Could I get some headcanons on what you think Katakuri, Brûlée, and Cracker would be like in a modern day college or high school au? What their grades are like, what club activities they'd be in if they're in any, what kind of crowd are they around if they keep friends around things like that!

Katakuri

Hit his growth spurt in the sixth grade, and just kept on growing. He's the most beloved brother in the family still, and given his family's famous (and criminal) reputation he's regarded as kind of a celebrity at school--and that was before he became the star of the wrestling team at his high school.

He gets straight As, as expected of the oldest Charlotte sibling. As a role model to his brothers and sisters, he wouldn't let himself get anything less than an A so they can follow his example.

Despite being a star athlete and having great grades, he keeps to himself and doesn't hang out much with anyone outside of some of his siblings. A lot of students believe the rumors that he's definitely killed someone, given his immense size and strength. Truth be told, he almost did during an incident where someone was bullying his little sister in elementary school, but that was a long time ago.

On days he doesn't have practice, he has the responsibility of making sure all of his siblings in the high school get home either in his car (a black SUV he got for his birthday, with a bunch of donut stickers on the windshield) or with another sibling. In his junior year though, he joined the school's baking club so some of his responsibilities got moved to his brothers. This was the only club he ever joined, since he's kind of a loner.

Brulee

She got her scar from a bully when she was in kindergarten, and she used to hide it (poorly) with smears of makeup so Kata wouldn't have to see it (he thinks her getting hurt was his fault). But after he sat her down and told her not to do that for his sake, she got a bit more confident and has been concealer-free since junior high!

Always goes to her brother's wrestling matches and cheers him on (and has gotten in trouble a few times for heckling the other student that he's up against) They also go out to Krispy Kreme and hang out after a match, just the two of them. She's younger, but she's one of the only siblings that he feels he can open up to about his feelings.

She went through a long goth phase in junior high and her first year of high school. She still dresses in mostly black and has that aesthetic still, but it's a lot less extreme compared to what she'd wear back then.

She's a library assistant and has the same shift as Mont-d'or during their homeroom, and they're friends with the other assistants as well. She also still hangs out with the goth students (including her sister Gallete, who has inherited most of Brulee's goth hand-me-downs)

As for grades, she gets As and Bs. She doesn't really think they're that important, considering her mom could use her influence to get her kids accepted anywhere they want.

Cracker

Star quarterback on the football team and he's in the theatre department as well. At first he insisted he only did it to impress chicks by being all artsy, but he actually got into it after his first show. He always votes to do super adult plays like Heathers (he insists he was born to play Kurt or Ram), but he always gets shot down.

He's dated half of the cheer squad (because the other half is made up of his sisters) and has fangirls that follow him all around campus. Being allowed to carry his textbooks or get him something from the vending machine means he's taken a liking to you.

One of the rowdier Charlotte siblings as well. He was one of the main instigators in the infamous Food Fight of Sophomore Year, and he's the reason why the library is typically off-limits to new Charlotte siblings until the staff can determine who's a troublemaker (like Cracker or Oven) and who's actually going there to study (like Smoothie or Mont-d'or)

The school has a 'No Pass, No Play' policy, so he has to get a B average or else he can't play football. He gets decent grades on his own when he takes the time to actually study, but...he has video games to play and parties to go to, so he bribes his more studious siblings into doing assignments for him in the classes he struggles in.

#mine #one piece #one piece headcanons #one piece headcanon #katakuri #brulee #cracker #charlotte katakuri #charlotte brulee #charlotte cracker #high school!au

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laffinandlovin-blog · 4 years

Text

It’s a long post today folks!

I would like to begin this post with the assurance that I am safe and under the great care of amazing mental health professionals. I’m surrounded by the love of amazing friends and family. It is not lost on me that I am incredibly lucky to be employed and therefore have the opportunity to have great healthcare. Not everyone can afford professional care. Because of To Write Love On Her Arms, more people can. Because of To Write Love On Her Arms, I have a permanent community of support. I know I am about to share very personal information. I also know that when I’ve done so before, someone has always reached out in appreciation. I’m not writing for appreciation. I’m writing with hope that someone feels less alone. I am writing to combat the stigma that we cannot talk about mental health. If I have learned anything (and I’ve learned much), I have learned that it is okay to ask for help. It is ok not to be okay. I have learned that the bad feelings ALWAYS pass but some storms last longer than others. This pandemic has been incredibly difficult for many people. Some people experienced depression and anxiety for the first time and others felt their depression and anxiety amplify to new levels. I’m writing to say: I am here for you. I see you. I believe you. I’m also here to say thank you. Thank you to the friends and family members meet me in the sadness and love me because of it not in spite of it. Thank you for the hard conversations, the song recommendations, the cards, the IG messages, taking me to the doctor, holding me when I cry even though I’m not a hugger, for taking me to the ER junior year of college when I had a debilitating anxiety attack, and most of all for accepting the good days, the ugly cries, the loud and obnoxious laugh, and the understanding that I have a mental illness-I am not an illness.

Here’s the abridged version.

About 15 years ago I successfully convinced myself that I was stupid while studying for Chemistry as a sophomore. I just did not get it. I went to a private all-girl college prep school. Academics were intense. I worked my tail off, fell asleep with my books in my arms, and obsessed over school work. I was never very good at positive self-talk- I constantly put myself down. I was too fat, too dumb, didn’t have weekend plans therefore I had no friends. I was “too sensitive” and I became disgusted with myself. I would cry and cry and cry because I just did not know how to get past these hurdles-the doubt bullies. My dad would pick me up from school every day and the tears would come. At the time we didn’t know I was dealing with a major depressive disorder. I was told I had nothing to cry about at 16 and asked why I was so miserable. I believed that I was truly just a miserable and moody teenager-don’t we all go through that phase? Sometimes at night when I was studying I would bang my head against my bedroom wall questioning why I was so stupid, why I didn’t have any friends, and why I was so ugly. I look back now and know that was the depression talking. I never got lower than a B on a report card, I was student council president, and I had many friends. However, I didn’t know how to get the depression to just shut up already.

Those formative high school years and the negative mantras shaped my journey into adulthood. I successfully convinced myself that I was unattractive and undeserving of romantic love or any love for that matter. I would scratch my arms to feel some physical pain to make sense of the internal pain.

Amazing people were sprinkled into my life since the time I was in grade school (friends) and since birth (family). I had no idea how to explain my experiences with depression to my family. By the time I got to college I had become pretty set in my ways and my detrimental thinking. I remember calling my mom during what was most likely my first panic attack during college. She assured me that it was probably my nerves and stress (which were huge contributors) and to “try some tea and listen to Johnny”. John Mayer’s music was the first that I was able to identify with in terms of anxiety and depression. It wasn’t his most popular stuff but it was a lifeline for me. I also found in college a group of friends that became my chosen family. They didn’t understand my illness either but they were and are the most patient, supportive, and caring people I could have ever hoped to meet and still be close with 14 years later.

After year after graduating college, I moved to Boston. My relationship with Boston is a pretty great love story because of the people I met there. For the first time in my life I met people who struggled with self-worth, self-injury, and relied on medication to keep themselves safe. During a particularly difficult season of my depression, I began self-harming. My therapist and I decided it was best for me to begin an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). For 3 hours a night, 3 nights each week, for 6 weeks I attended a program where was enveloped in acceptance. I have never had plans to take my life however, I have thought that the life I was living just wasn’t worth it. I thought for sure that the best part of my life was behind me and that I really didn’t have much worth living for. I was convinced that I was a lost cause. The effectiveness of the meds always wore off and there were weeks at a time when I questioned if this life was worth fighting for. I found friends in Boston that I still reach out to to this day when things are feeling very low. Those people, unfortunately, know what it’s like to question if this is all worth it. Those people, fortunately, remind me that the fog does lift even if it feels like it’s all I know.

Now at 32, I still struggle almost daily. Where I am at 32 is very different than what I envisioned. I have wanted to be a mom since as long as I can remember (I had 40 baby dolls as a child and they all had names. They were also my students in my pretend classroom in my basement.). I long for romantic love. Someone who I can love and be loved by. But the real love. That person who can call me out and be my biggest fan. And vice versa. Someone with a big heart and an accepting mind. This is getting gushy. I regress. And to be a mom. I long to be a person who is fortunate enough to create her family and love her job and her friends and dogs and stand up for others and speak out against injustice. I’m not there yet, but I’m getting closer every day.

When I look back on my experiences thus far with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, I think about just how lucky I am that I have a sister, brother, parents, cousins, aunts, childhood friends, high school friends, high school teachers, college friends, Italy friends, furry friends, Boston friends and roommates who have loved me through my darkest times. I am amazed by the support, both of those who haven’t had experience with mental illness before loving me and those to whom I am forever connected because of our similar experiences. My people are #worthlivingfor.

There is so much #worthlivingfor. I’m so glad I’m here to experience it.

I am fundraising with @twloha to help provide access to counseling for those who need support. Please visit https://give.twloha.com/fundraiser/2871863 .

Thank you for reading this. personal message. It was long and it was sensitive. I am grateful for the courage to share and thankful for every listening ear and kind heart. I could write pages more. But today I encourage you to share what is #worthlivingfor in your life. Tag me (@lafferrx on Insta). Spread the love- the world needs it more than ever.

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ourdelicatereputation13 · 4 years

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An Open Letter to Taylor Swift from a Conservative Fan

Dear Taylor,

For years I have listened to your music and stood by your side as each album came out. Despite being someone that often cares what people think about her, I always shrugged it off when people would make fun of me for liking your music more than the average person. When someone would give me the “oh, you like Taylor Swift” voice, and eye roll, I would typically clap back with a sassy comment about the music they listen to and why that artist isn’t my favorite. I defended you, in the hallway, on five - turned eight - hour car rides, in the gym, to my boyfriend, to my family, I’ve explained reputation and everything it represented and stood for, to so many people. I am a Swiftie, and I have been since 2008.

I grew up in a very poor home, so getting your music in my hands wasn’t easy, burned CD’s with most of Fearless made its way to the CD player in my room and landed on repeat at least ten times a day, and I felt all those never-been-in-love-but-I’ve-been-heartbroken things that you sing about on Fearless. Then sophomore year of high school came and so did Speak Now, my parents still didn’t have any money, so e-mail was my next best way to get my hands on your music with the iPod that I saved for years for. I longed for someone from across the room with you during Enchanted, I cried with you when you said “I never planned on you changing your mind,” because that’s what boys do in high school, they change their minds.

Then RED came out my senior year of high school. I screamed “and you call me up again just to break me like a promise” while getting ready for my eighteenth birthday in my cousin’s room. I sang Treacherous on stage at church during our break while my best friend and I were serving on a mother's appreciation night (the mothers were in another room). I felt your anger in I Knew You Were Trouble, as I walked home from school, mad at the boy who broke up with me over a text a couple days prior. And I felt like a new notch in his belt, and that was all I’d ever be.

Then 1989 came out, and I could FINALLY purchase an album, and I did it with my own money! Twice. Once digitally, and one physically. I replayed it so many times, and I felt it. It was an album that was about a fleeting love, nothing that was ever going to last, but was amazing. And once again, as a sophomore in college, I could relate.

Then 2016 hit, and it wasn’t a Cruel Summer for just you. No, I was supposed to be doing internships, but didn’t get a single one. I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. I hated my job, didn’t have any money, my Dad was potentially getting convicted of a felony, my family was falling apart. Quite honestly, I wasn’t paying attention to you or what was going on, but I’d soon find out. And then, late 2017 I was sitting in my room when I saw a video of the tail of what appeared to be a snake slithering in a little square window on instagram. Taylor Swift was the one who posted it, and when I went to your page, I realized that all your social media had been wiped. I never paid much attention to it, I mostly cared about the music, in fact, I was barely aware of what happened to you in 2016 because I was so caught up in my own drama. But I quickly researched, I learned, and I understood. I had never left your side, maybe been distracted, but never left your side. When I found out that the title of your next album was reputation, I understood, but as the album came out, and the more you said, “they told you I’m crazy” I was going through my own tailspin where it felt like my reputation was getting destroyed and relationships were becoming delicate whereas others were growing. I once again, in what was predicted as your “least relatable” or “biggest flop era”... related to you.

That is my history with you.

When you announced that you were going to be supporting a Democrat in your local election, it didn’t really phase me. But shortly after that I got involved in stan twitter, and found out just how cruel twitter can be, and how the mob mentality can take over. Quickly I found out how much my opinions didn’t matter unless they were the right ones (which they typically weren’t), how much I could be silenced, how quickly I could possibly be cancelled or “dragged” as they like to say. My opinions on abortion didn’t matter because even just being a little pro-life meant that I hated women *eyeroll* okay. So I kept my opinions to myself despite feeling very angry and silenced.

I’m not sure when I realized that if I ever met you in person, I’d be less of a fan than the liberal standing next to me waiting in line, but at some point, it occurred to me. At some point, I figured there may have to be a day when I don’t support something you say and rather support someone who instead corrected you or criticized you. Instead of being that “loyal fan” that every fiber of my being wants to be. My enneagram is a 6, I’m a loyalist… so this KILLS me. And somehow, liking a post that I agree with by Ben Shapiro, or Steven Crowder would one day force me to criticize you as well… or at least your opinions.

The day that You Need To Calm Down came out, my first reaction was to call my boyfriend and tell him that it is a BOP! He didn’t know what a bop was… but I told him, it was a bop. That summer I had so many conversations with my Christian friends about how ashamed we have been in the past of people who claim they are Christians but go and assault people who are members of the LGBT community during pride parades, and other incidents. So when I looked closer at the lyrics of You Need To Calm Down, it felt a little bit like my religion, my church, and my friends were being attacked. I felt misunderstood by the LGBT community, and misrepresented by other Christians who have only condemned without love. Did it have to be a pride parade? Why did it have to be a situation in the song where it was coming after people who have simply misrepresented my religion? Just as the people we have elected have misrepresented the American people in office… multiple times, so have Christians misrepresented Jesus and fellow Christians. Especially at Planned Parenthoods and Pride Parades. Couldn’t you have gone for another oppressed group to support without attacking my religion? But I let it go… It’s just lyrics, right? And you had a point, they do need to calm down. Everyone does. I continued to stream the song, I got drunk and sang to it at the top of my lungs one night in the car. I already know that I’ll spend my whole life correcting people that think that just because I’m a Christian means I hate them or see them a certain way, when that is not the case. I’ll love you as whatever person you are.

But then the music video came out, and although I am aware that the signs that were displayed in the music video were based off of signs that were once real, I couldn’t help but question, was that necessary? I showed it to my boyfriend and he said he felt the same way I did. Like you were coming after all Christians. As if we had some sort of vendetta against the LGBT community. Based off the signs that were chosen to be in the video, it felt like I was being made fun of, and be made to look stupid. I have not watched it since.

When you accepted the award for the You Need To Calm Down video, a video from Steven Crowder shortly came after it. He criticized your inability to see the issues with the Equality Act, and after he explained it pretty thoroughly, I agreed with Crowder. I want equal rights as much as you do, but the Equality Act itself had flaws. When I got on Twitter, I checked my messages and saw several messages saying “just so you know, you follow this clown.” The “Clown” in question was in reference to Steven Crowder, and this person was threatening to unfollow me ~ Okay ~ But I didn’t appreciate being put up against a wall and being forced to decide between unfollowing someone I support or letting a stranger unfollow me. The thing was, I had been on twitter long enough that I knew that they wouldn’t just unfollow me, and if I said anything other than “Okay! I unfollowed” then there would be a screen shot that would then be tweeted, and retweeted and there would not be anything I could do. I would be dragged for agreeing with someone that criticized your opinion. We - you and me - are allowed to have our opinions, they are allowed to be different. I am allowed to criticize you, just as you are allowed to criticize the President of the United States.

Just when things seemed to quiet down in the political sphere, you announced that there would be your new documentary, Miss Americana. As a fan, it was really nice to see what led to you wanting to speak up about politics. It made sense where you were coming from. I was not informed on Tennessee’s candidates, but some things that you mentioned that didn’t represent “your Tennessee values” seemed to be stretched. Outlandish, but as I said, I was not, and am not informed on the Tennessee candidates, and quite honestly, just as there are bad representations of Christians, there are republicans who I also shake my head at because they are misrepresenting the majority of republicans/conservatives.

Only The Young shortly came out after, and honestly, that is my least listened to song from you. Ever. This isn’t about resisting some evil democracy, this is about fighting for what you actually believe. Our second amendment rights, freedom of speech. It’s about making the government work for us rather than letting the government control us.

Anyway… We then got The Man music video. I was proud of how you transformed into The Man that, yes you would be, if you were a man. Those who criticized your song, I defended you on. People like Ben Shapiro and Steven Crowder, obviously never really followed much of the media’s attention it had on you. They obviously were not fans. When I first heard the song, I was like “ya, you right” I thought the bridge was brilliant. I loved that you code switched with the word “Bitches” taking it from something good to something bad. I loved the song. And I was proud of you for directing, and owning and it all being YOURS. You go girl!

But the video itself… it’s ideas… they were theatrical, and laughable. I thought that was the point, but then at some time it hit me, and there was a seriousness about it’s subject that made it not fun to watch. Like this can be a very serious topic if you take it far enough in one direction. I hold my boyfriend to the standard that when we get married he will be as much of a Dad as I am a Mom. You will not have to praise him for doing the bare minimum, because we will both be doing the maximum. If someone is praising a man for doing the bare minimum as a Dad, maybe you should look at the wives not holding their husbands to a higher standard? Hold our men to a higher standard. Lets keep each other accountable. As a Christian, that’s what we are about, accountability, and I hold everyone I meet to it. You lie to me, I’m going to hold you accountable, you being are less of a father than you told me you would be? I’m going to hold you accountable. Then there was the urinating in public, which is still not acceptable, in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be considered public indecency, and have you ever tried to sit next to someone as an actual man, with a penis (that is sensitive) between your legs, you’re going to try to spread your legs (Steven Crowder also had a video on this, very informative). The guys throwing fits and getting no criticism, seems more like a celebrity/politician thing, if any of the guys I knew were to throw a fit, they’d receive backlash in whatever situation. The whole video seemed to be an attack on men and not an attack on the society that created the men you so desperately wanted to criticize. This type of attack on men is something I cannot get behind. It perpetuates this third wave of feminism which is something I refuse to stand with as well. It’s the feminism that stands up and says “believe all women.” Whereas that phrase would be nice. It would be great to be able to believe that no woman would ever lie about getting any sort of assaulted, but that’s just simply not true. In fact, I have many friends whose lives would be ruined by one false accusation, they worry about it. They all do, and I have a friend who is dealing with it right now. Watching videos like that, ones where I feel my religion is being attacked, or ones where I feel like I, for some reason, have to defend the men around me because other people aren’t holding men accountable, does not make me want to watch more. In fact, it’s disappointing.

It is disappointing to feel so unheard and so misrepresented by the only person (other than Halsey and Jon Bellion) I can trust to produce good music consistently. It is disappointing to enter a reality on twitter that makes me think “if they really knew what I was thinking, they wouldn’t be following me,” and this reality seems to be condoned by you fueling the fire and “standing up” to President Trump. Which brings me to last night.

Last night Twitter was going crazy as it was getting news of the looting and the fires in Minneapolis. I was infuriated after watching the video of George Floyd getting murdered, and then getting more infuriated watching people show screenshots of dming you and begging you to say something, as if by you calling yourself Miss Americana, you had somehow become America’s newest politician. I watched a video of people yelling “fuck the police” and holding signs that threaten the police, in this video, police shot dogs, police were called pigs, and whoever had captioned this had said that all cops are shit.

Why is this an issue?

My boyfriend, someone I plan on marrying, someone I want to have kids with, someone who brought me back to my faith, calmed my panic attacks, encouraged me on multiple occasions to step away from the fandom on twitter when it wasn’t healthy, has talked me out of suicide, someone who helped me through what I had felt like my bad reputation… this man that I love. My LOVER… the person I picture at the end of the isle. The person I plan on saying my vows to, the person who I created a Cornelia Street of my own with, the person that I picture when I sing your love songs… HIS DREAM IS TO BE A COP. And cops are being threatened. I worry for his eventual safety. And if I get on twitter and support cops, I’m suddenly the bad guy. So I kept kinda quiet about it. But this morning, when I was feeling overwhelmed with the confusion of wanting to condemn people for committing a crime (looting and arson) AND condemn the officer for MURDER, somehow I felt like I couldn’t do both. But when you came after President Trump and promised to vote him out this year… suddenly all of twitter turned blue, and if there was any trace of RED it was the blood of republicans, getting smeared across their computer screens because “Taylor Swift just gave us permission to kick republican swifties out of this fandom.”

I am not welcome in your fandom anymore. I hoped that one day I would get to be at your house listening to a new album before it’s released. But the longer this polarization of the country goes on, the longer this misinformation continues, the longer these lies about the corona virus goes on, the longer you continue to speak up against republicans, the more I have come to accept that I am going to have to be a fan from afar. That the only time I’ll ever get a chance to have a voice will be if I ever actually become a successful writer like plan on doing someday. That will be the only time I’ll be able to get back on the bird app and feel like if I say something, the backlash won’t matter because those who support me will hopefully be greater than those who don’t. Taylor, in speaking up, you have silenced so many people who support you as well. You didn’t have to come after the president. You didn’t have to say WE will vote you out in November. You could have just said “this was an unjustified murder, this man deserves to be fired, arrested, sentenced and then to rot in prison.” But no, you made it political. You gave the liberals, the same people that think it’s okay to word play, cancel and drag… you gave them ammunition and permission. And for that reason, I will always listen to your music, I will buy your albums, I’ll still pray that one day I get to go to a secret session or meet you in the newest version of the rep room at the REPUTATION - tenth anniversary tour (please do that!) but for now I am going to have to step away as a fan. I’ll be musically by your side and defend your music, but I am giving myself permission to roll my eyes at your comments in interviews and like videos and tweets of comments that criticize you. Because that’s what makes us complex human beings, the ability to love someone and their work and still criticize their choices, opinions, and actions.

Thank you for growing up with me, and sharing your life with me. For what it’s worth, it was enchanting.

Sincerely,

A conservative fan...

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standingovertheedge · 4 years

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The Day I Unblocked My Memory

A few days ago I was reading a Facebook post about a girl who had an emotionally abusive boyfriend during the early years of high school.

She described the stages she went through: The beginning - thinking it was a phase that would end eventually. The middle - struggling with her own self-worth. The end - her boyfriend threatening to kill her or himself.

I couldn’t help but wonder why her story seemed so familiar. I kept thinking to myself - you’ve never been abused, why is this bothering you?

That’s when I unblocked my memories from high school.

When you’re an awkward 15 year old and you suddenly start receiving attention from a 17 year old, you sort of throw all your morals and self-worth aside. At least that’s how it was for me.

I had just started my sophomore year of high school when a senior boy randomly started taking notice of me. I wish I could go back and tell myself “just because he’s older, doesn’t mean he’s any more mature.”

He would find me when I had after school practice, or over lunch in the halls. He would make me laugh and feel so comfortable that the world around me would start to melt away. And it would just be him, and me.

The abuse started slow. It came with sudden words of jealously or anger, or even “jokingly” calling me names like bitch, slut or whore. One day he even jokingly said to me “I’m going to rape you.”

I didn’t think anything of it at first. I was so blindsided to have found someone that made me feel comfortable, that I didn’t really care about the other things.

He started pressuring me to have sex. I didn’t want to. I know I didn’t want to. But I really wanted to do anything to make him happy, or just want to be with me.

I’ll never forget the day I lost my virginity. In a car. With him.

I remember starting to make out with him, and suddenly having my pants ripped off. I kept saying “I don’t want to do this here.” But my words were hitting deaf ears.

I remember immense pain. I remember him telling me that it would “feel good in a minute.” But it never did. It made me cry.

After my tears were dried and our pants were up, he drove me home.

The next day at school he ignored me; acted like I didn’t exist.

He had gotten what he wanted, and now he threw me in the trash just like his fucking used condom.

Our conversations stopped that day. But our story didn’t.

Fast forward to two years later - Senior Year.

I had just broken up with a guy I had been dating for a few months. He was perfect in so many ways, but the spark faded fast. I knew I couldn’t date someone I didn’t have a connection to.

I was waiting outside school one day for a ride from my mom. I looked over and saw the boy who was now a “man,” that had finally disappeared from my memory. He gave me a wink. And later that night I got a text.

“how are u”

I had a brief moment of pause where I debated responding. The flashback to sophomore year and all turmoil he caused me made me hesitate.

This is the moment that I really wish I could have taken back. I had made all these positive moves in my life, and in one moment I took a giant step back. I caved.

“hey”

And with that message he was back in my life.

It was like nothing had changed, even though it had been 2 years. All those feelings of passion and comfort came rushing back, like a soft weighted blanket.

I kept my “relationship” with him a secret. I knew no-one would approve, and that should have been my first clue. I had this whole other secret life. My family had no idea the type of emotional trauma I was going through because I never told them. My friends never knew because I never told them. I became his, and he became mine. There were no other people in our bubble.

This closed-off relationship started to wear down on me. I was no longer happy with him, or without him.

I didn’t want to be secretive anymore. I knew this wasn’t the relationship I wanted, but I was too scared to say anything. I didn’t know what he was capable of.

One night I decided I was going to end it, and never look back.

He called me, drunk and swearing. I told him “we’re over, I can’t do this anymore.” His response? “Are you fucking kidding me? You can’t do this to me. I swear, I’ll drive and fucking kill myself right now.”

And that’s when I hung up.

He didn’t stop calling that night, but I couldn’t answer. I never answered.

I wish I could say this was my last experience ever hearing from him.

Fast forward to the first few months of my freshman year of college.

I was having fun partying and letting loose with my friends. Escaping the responsibilities of living at home with parents.

I came back from a party late at night and received an urgent message the next day to see our building director. I went to her office, and as soon as I sat down in a chair she asked me “are you being stalked?” and “are you safe?”

I was shocked, and confused. I didn’t know what she was talking about. She told me that last night an intoxicated man was able to get into our building and find my floor. He ran around banging on all the doors and screaming for me to come out, and saying I had “broke his heart.”

I didn’t even know what to say to her. I was so thankful I was away from campus that night. I didn’t have to face him. And I know if I would have faced him, I would have caved again.

I made a vow to myself to never let that POS back into my life again. And now I’m happily dating a wonderful man who treats me like a princess, and I’m excited to build my future with him.

It’s weird how random things like a Facebook post can unlock trauma that you have buried for years.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

#trauma #selfworth #abuse

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elibasila · 4 years

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1: a refusal to look directly

Mirrors - i.e. the physical reflection of my body - how I was able to see my b o d y throughout time

Background/History -

Simply looking or observing myself in the mirror has been a huge evolution in my lifetime. I can remember when I was younger (around the start of middle school until my freshman/sophomore year of college) that I initially didn’t care for them, that is until my 1st puberty started. When at that age I began to recognize/see what my body was turning into, and how other people were going to see me/already saw me. My brain started to process my world’s ‘objective’ rules of gender and sex, and really that is when it probably started to hit me that I had to start taking my looks seriously like every other girl my age. For me, when I was younger I always believed I was a girl because that’s all I ever really knew, that was my ultimate reality and there was no language for girls who weren’t actually ‘girls’, your only option for a definition of yourself was a ‘tomboy’ or anything related to the stereotypical lesbian, which is mostly tied with ‘butchness’ where I grew up. With these concepts newly realized and lingering in the back of my head, I began to actually look at my reflections and compare myself to other girls. I noticed two things:

something was off, when I look at my chest and at my figure there’s a yearning to change/get rid of my body to look like something else. that something, however, was a thing that I’ve never actually seen before, therefore it did not exist. Not until later.

a heavy depressive feeling in my torso, almost feels like a dark 10lb weight in the bottom of my ribcage, it’s disappointment. I wasn’t expecting this to happen to me, even though I knew that girls went through puberty and usually got boobs, and certain figures out of it.

With these realizations during early 1st puberty I tried to do my best to mitigate these unknown feelings and repress them. I did that by looking at myself in the mirror and would practice apathy towards myself (towards my body, my look) on a daily basis. At first I would remember feeling extremely depressed/disappointed when I looked at myself in the mirror to counter this I would remember saying “this is as good as it’s gonna get”. I would say that, or something along the lines of “acceptance” (I don’t know if I’d call it acceptance in a good way though) and try to replace feelings of what was probably dysphoria with complete lack of feeling towards my body: apathy.

This went on for years and I became very good at it, so much so that it was working to ignore my physical self, and for a long time I was able to avoid severe feelings of hatred towards my body through that method. However, with the complete lack of feeling towards my body came the consequence of extreme awkwardness towards my body/physical self, meaning I didn’t know how to feel about my body at all. Until the end of high school I was still coasting by with my apathetic body practice, as time went on I would try and hide it by making sure I was blending in with every other girl my age. Entering college I slowly started to lose my grip on my identity and what followed was the identity crisis which has lead me to question this practice of what I was ever doing before this. That was 1 year and some months ago, that was when I stopped looking at myself as a girl, I started to let it go finally and with that some of the apathy was shed as well. I was actually starting to have feelings/like real feelings about what I looked like/my body and one of the first ones was surprise. I was surprised at how much I was okay with myself, because to me I looked like a boy I looked somewhat androgynous to myself and I was actually happy about that. I was happy to look like not a girl and my feelings were quickly shifting from disappointment because I didn’t look like a ‘girl’ to happiness because I now knew I wasn’t a girl in the first place.

All of a sudden I was entering into the honeymoon phase of my transition/realization and I felt great just to know I wasn’t a girl and to see myself in the mirror out of 18 years of misuse. I was happy with whatever I got because I was fresh then, now a year and some months later even those feelings of euphoria have now shifted into my previous method of apathetic body practice. The initial realization was great, after a while though the dysphoria grew as my transition started to build speed, and I was dealing with the issue of my physical body/appearance again. It shifted from me being happy I didn’t look like a girl in my eyes to me not looking enough like a boy in others eyes, my public existence was taking hold again during 2nd puberty. Not only were other people’s views influencing how I viewed my body but I believe that I would naturally devolve into this progression during my transition, I was even told in therapy that things were going to get harder, and that my dysphoria was probably going to get worse because I was now out and self aware of who I was, which was the trade off. The trade was me finally being able to figure out who I was after years of repression but with the realization there would be different issues to deal with now.

Practice -

And so we arrive at this point in time of the mirror I look into now, both remembering how I used it before to how I use it now. With the prompt I decided I wanted to acknowledge my history of my own body/mirror practice I’ve used during 1st puberty.

The basis was the practice of looking at my body in the mirror, which I do daily (brushing my teeth, facial care, etc) but dedicate a specific time in the mirror to do nothing but observe, on a daily basis.

Observations Made/Notes -

Not surprisingly it was extremely difficult for me to feel anything profound, because of this I thought that my long-standing habit of apathy towards my body had come back, just with a slightly different purpose; so as not to increase my dysphoria. I felt like I didn’t care overall

I would imagine myself without boobs, which surprisingly is something I used to do during 1st puberty, even before I knew what the language was I do clearly remember myself always daydreaming about losing my breasts. It was top surgery that I thought about, then and now, only now I’m much closer to actually doing what I’ve dreamed of.

The type of chest I saw myself having wasn’t linked to what a post-op chest would look like realistically, I saw myself with a scarless chest like I was born with a cis-man’s chest

I was comparing myself to other men I would see, though not as severely as I once did during 1st puberty, I’m realistically aware of what I look like,

I find some points of my body and smiled, like my arms (even if they’re undefined and thin), my face, my lips,

also there were some points in which I could change/ or I didn’t like: my cheeks, my jawline, just my overall thin body frame that many people label as feminine, my chest (obviously), and more specifically my pelvis/hips area i think that might be my 2nd worst feeling part of my body

I definitely dont have bottom dysphoria which is kind of comforting to know

there are some moments in time, angles where I trick my brain into euphoria and those are the best times, cause I feel the most beautiful then

I think i want to look more beautfiul than I do handsome, I still have connections to my femininity and I dont want to feel ashamed cause I’m not

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theoddcatlady · 6 years

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My Friends Went On A Roadtrip Through Europe

The only reason I didn’t go on the ‘greatest trip of our lives’ was because I was in a car accident that nearly killed me.

It was bad. I wasn’t able to get out of bed without assistance for that first month. Broken leg, busted up ribs, I looked more like a boxer that just got out of a match gone bad than a recent highschool graduate who was planning on going to college as a psychology major.

My friends and I had been planning this trip since our freshman year in highschool. I know. It was fucking stupid. But we promised if we all graduated with a grade average of 3.5 or better and if we all scraped together the cash from after school/summer jobs, we’d take a road trip through Europe. Somehow we actually managed to do it, our parents were so impressed that they even kicked in some cash. The silly dreams of fourteen year olds were coming to life.

Whitney wanted to go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower. Jade was all about Austria, she wanted to see where the Sound of Music was filmed. Jonah planned to eat all the chocolate he could stomach in Switzerland. Me? I wanted to see the countryside of every country- mountains, rivers, the ocean… But one week before the plane was supposed to take off, well, the accident happened.

I told my friends to go without me, but I made them promise to constantly send me updates and tell me how much fun they were having. So they left- Whitney, Jade, Jonah, Holden, and Tori. I even gave them a portion of the money I saved up so they could go crazy.

At first, everything was normal. I got pictures, they even sent me a package from England full of lil knick knacks and snacks. I hated the Irn Bru but the Cadbury chocolates were to DIE for. But everything went wrong shortly after Austria.

Below are the emails and messages my friends sent me when they had the time. These all take place over about three weeks. After that, everything goes silent. Their parents have yet to hear from them. They’ve filed missing person’s reports, but I think if any of them are still alive… they won’t want to be found.

From: Jade

Jesus CHRIST, you will not believe what happened last night, Lilah.

First off, let me make abundantly clear that no one is dead, and no the trip is not over yet. We got really lucky. Second off, Jonah is a fucking moron and I swear to god once his stitches are out I’m ripping him a new one.

Okay so last night we were out a bit late, we all got a little tipsy and we were heading back to the hotel. Legal drinking age is eighteen, it’s not like that time we tried to sneak into Beverly’s with those fake ID’s. On the way back, we stumbled across another drunk who made a pass at Jonah. And you know Jonah, his drunk ass reacted loudly and violently. I swear he was about to make a swing at the guy… but the other guy swung first.

I swear, the drunk guy fought like an animal, Jonah didn’t stand a chance. We barely managed to rip Jonah away from him before he ripped his throat out. It was bloody and MESSY.

We got Jonah to the nearest emergency room, got him patched up, headed back home to sleep it off. How much do you wanna bet that he won’t remember it in the morning?

I’m gonna hit the sack. Jonah is a moron.

From: Jonah

Jade told me she sent you an email about the fight. She really needs to chill, I’m really not that bad off. Besides, the guy was a creep.

I do remember what happened, despite what she thinks, we were heading back when, get this, strange guy complimented my SKIN. Said it looked smooth and rosy. That’s not even flirting anymore, that’s just creepy! I mean, he was totally your type, tall, dark, handsome, blue eyes and a bit of scruff on his face, but noooot mine.

I’m fine though, you can barely tell where the guy got me. I think he had a knife because I got ripped. Up. Can barely tell now, he must’ve just grazed me.

We’ll be looping back up and heading for Poland next. Gonna cross through Germany to do that, but I don’t mind the drive. Besides, Germany = MORE BEER.

Miss you, next time you will totally have to come along.

From: Tori

I really wish you were here. I miss you so, so much. How is your therapy going? I hope it’s going well, you really missed out on some beautiful views today. The camera doesn’t quite capture it, but I hope to paint it once I’m home with my supplies. Maybe I can bring a little of this place back to you.

I think I’m just homesick. I might cut my trip short and head back, I’m really worried about you.

From: Whitney

Did you talk Tori out of going home yet? I don’t think she’s willing to admit how spooked she got when that bum attacked Jonah. She started crying when she saw how bloodied he was. I was pretty freaked too, but it was way worse than it looked. He’s actually completely fine now. Stitches came out, there’s not even a scar. I’m pretty sure Jonah’s actually bummed there’s nothing to show off for when he gets home LOL. But yeah, nothing to worry about, he’s still the same energetic Jonah we all know and love.

Holden’s horrible at remembering to email you, I’ve told him like, six times. Did he do anything other than the one time he sent a what’s up? He totally only did that because I nagged him.

I wish we spent more time in Italy, but we’re making great time through Germany. I’m gonna go now, kick ass and take names at Overwatch for us when you can sit up, all right?

From: Tori

Jonah’s almost too over the top since the attack. I think he’s trying to make up for something, I don’t know what. It’s like… remember that time he pounded Mountain Dews all night while we were gaming? This was during our League of Legends phase (glad that ended) but Jonah was incredibly manic and he was constantly getting up to pace.

He’s like that but 24/7. I don’t think he’s slept a full night, and it’s almost impossible to make him stop for the night. We want to relax, there’s no rush to get to Poland. I’ll talk to him when I can get him to settle, see what’s wrong. Love you.

From: Jade

Welp, Tori went home last night.

Her clothes and passport are gone, she left a note saying she really missed you and her parents, she’ll make it up to us when we’re home. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed she didn’t talk to us beforehand.

She was right though, Jonah needs a chill pill. Is this how some people deal with trauma? Because I mean, you weren’t there, but that was… pretty bad. I can’t even imagine how Jonah feels, but he’s Jonah. He never lets anyone in. It’s why you two broke up sophomore year, kid has issues. I hoped this trip through Europe might help him learn about himself but I think it’s making it worse.

From: Whitney

WE’RE IN DENMARK BECAUSE APPARENTLY JONAH DECIDED POLAND WAS A STUPID IDEA.

Ugh, sorry. So Jonah offered to drive us through the night. I said no, but Holden and Jade were all for it. So I sucked it up, took something to make me drowsy, and konked out in the back seat. When I woke up, Jonah and Jade were having a shouting match and turns out, we’re in DENMARK. That wasn’t the plan. He didn’t clear this with us.

Holden’s on his side, saying that Denmark is a cool country too but Jade’s royally pissed. I can’t blame her. We promised at the beginning of the trip that we were to clear any travel plans with each other. We’d talk about it.

That’s another reason to miss you- you are SO good at talking. <3

From: Jonah

Everyone but Holden’s pissed at me.

Listen, I’m fine, I promise. I’ve just had to deal with some insomnia lately, is that really that bad? It’s not like I’m as bad off as you were. There was a brief moment that morning of the accident we all thought we’d lose you.

The insomnia goes away in the day. I can sleep then. Everyone can go and have fun during the day, I get to sleep, and at night I go do my shit. There’s. Nothing. Wrong with that.

I mean, another reason I wish you were here was that I’ve been having some… preeettyyy interesting dreams involving you, when I can sleep anyway. TMI. But maybe I should’ve been less of a puss with you back in the day. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.

When I’m back, can we go on a date? I’ll buy. Anywhere you want to go.

From: Jade

Jonah made a pass at me. And he’s not drunk.

I’m confused. And worried. Not gonna lie, he was pretty smooth about it, but I’ve never thought of him that way. He’s like that obnoxious little brother you love anyway. I told him no and he accepted gracefully.

Talking with Whitney and he also made a move at him… and at Holden? Jesus Christ, it’s about time that dumbass fell out of the closet. Holden’s pretty into it though. I’m wondering if this trip was actually a success in that matter.

We’re going up through Scandinavia now. Sweden, here we come!

At least we’re in some of the most gay friendly countries in the world right now… although I swear to god I think someone’s been following us. I’ve spotted this small white car twice now and I think it’s the same driver. But I’m probably just paranoid.

From: Holden

i know i dont email you often. i hate writing.

but something’s really wrong with jonah. i think he hurt someone.

last night we went out for drinks. ive always thought jonah was cute but never thought hed give me the time of day. we shared a hotel room, nothing happened but it was nice.

but I woke up this morning and I was trying to find something to wear and I accidentally went through one of jonah’s bags because our bags look the same and

i found one of his shirts. it’s covered in blood. And I found tori’s passport. it’s also bloody.

i’ve been reading and there’s been two bodies on the same route we’ve been going. i also called tori’s mom and she hasn’t heard anything from her daughter. she hasnt gone home. what should I do lilah? you were always the smart one.

From: Jade

Jonah’s lost his goddamn mind.

I’m surprised I get signal out in the middle of nowhere but Holden asked him about Tori and Jonah got really defensive. Then he brought up clothes covered in blood and that Tori never made it home and… Jonah snapped.

He pulled over to the side of the road and lunged for Holden. Whitney tried to break it up and got pretty fucked up for it. They’ll be okay as soon as we get to a hospital or something.

He’s gone now. He took the keys with him. I’m gonna try and call for help but jesus christ how have things gone so wrong?

From: Jonah

(This email was sent to all of us, along with the next one.)

I’m with Master now. He never meant for this to happen. He never meant for me to get turned. He tried to find me but my own stupidity kept us going… I’m so mad at myself. I should’ve told you guys what’s been going on. I’ve been barely sleeping, any sort of bright light fucking hurts, and Tori…

I never meant to hurt Tori. I swear to god. She was one of my best friends. But she’s dead. And I killed her. I couldn’t stop myself. By the time I came to my senses, I’d shredded her to pieces. If they ever find where I dumped her, she’ll probably be a Jane Doe for the rest of time.

Master found me running around around and stopped me. We’re someplace safe now. He’ll help me.

But I need to know one thing-

Did I bite you guys?

From: Whitney

You bit me. And you bit Holden.

Jade’s fine. For now. I don’t know how long though. I feel strange. Like there’s something burning in my head and down my spine. Please find us. Holden’s starting to feel strange too.

Lilah, we love you so much.

Please, don’t try to come find us. Go to college. Have fun. Make new friends. Study hard. Forget about us.

We’re dead anyway.

#horror stories #scary stories #creepypasta #writers on tumblr #creative writing #my stories

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icantbealive · 5 years

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“oh, you’re a convert?” SHORT VERSION:Raised Catholic in Virginia. Felt connected to Judaism at 15. Moved to Chicago for college at 18 and completed a conversion through the Conservative movement. Now 22, studying at the Conservative Yeshiva in Jerusalem, and shomer mitzvot.LONG VERSION:I was raised Catholic. I was baptized. I prayed the rosary until I fell asleep when my brother’s fever was dangerously high and he spent all night in the emergency room. I went to mass with my family every Sunday. I went through religious education. I read through the Bible several times. My brother and I used to run around my backyard and play with our guardian angels. I went to confession regularly. While my parents certainly raised us to be Catholic, I was still raised with liberal values. My family stopped going to church sometime after my brother’s communion, so I was probably nine or ten. As I got older, less and less made sense to me. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the holy trinity, or the entire story of Jesus. I would lie in bed, awake at night, trying to make sense of what I still believed in.I grew up in a small town on the outskirts of the DC suburbs. My school was 90% white. Out of 600 or so kids in my middle school, one or two were Jewish. I knew Yom Kippur was a Jewish holiday because it was always printed on calendars, and I knew Hanukkah was around Christmas. I had little to no knowledge of any religion besides my own until I started having this crisis of faith. I went to a sports broadcasting camp in Maryland every summer in middle school and my freshman year of high school. The first year I went, I made friends with a boy named Jacob and we went to camp together every year. The next year, we went to a different session and met more friends. They all talked about their bar mitzvahs and BBYO and summer camp and it was all so fascinating to me- I was the minority and they had this entire culture and upbringing that was utterly foreign to me. At the time, I had reached an apathetic level in my faith. I was no longer a spiritual person. I did not pray or feel a need to find a religion. After camp, I went home and I started reading more and more about Judaism. I found it so interesting. I found it to be a religion that was very open to interpretations and questioning, which was refreshing. The cultural aspect was fascinating.Much to my dismay, I was about forty five minutes away from a synagogue. I was entering eighth grade, so I obviously couldn’t drive. I spent the next two years observing the religion in different ways. Truthfully, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t understand the differences between Orthodoxy and liberal movements. I read as much as I could. I started keeping kosher. I would pray every morning when I woke up. I began exploring the idea of conversion.My friends mocked me. Everyone- my parents, friends, other family members- thought it was an adolescent phase, as if I would grow out of it. I was only fourteen, but I felt like I was old enough to know what I believed in. In Catholicism, I would have been going through the sacrament of Confirmation and “confirming” my faith and my dedication to follow the religion for the rest of my life, so why wasn’t I old enough to find a more suitable set of beliefs to go by?I first attended services during my sophomore year of high school. There was a boy on my brother’s ice hockey team whose parents would sit with my mother at games and practices. The family was Jewish and upon hearing about my interest in the religion, offered to take me to a reform temple. My first experience was tagging along to a religious education class and to meet the rabbi. A few weeks later, I went with the family to High Holiday services.The family did not go to temple outside of holidays, so my experiences at an actual synagogue were limited until I began driving. Once I had my license, I began attending Shabbat services every month or so. I worked at a grocery store in high school and it was difficult to take Friday nights off, so I went when I could. There were certainly times when I felt a need to go- Shabbat services always leave me feeling clear headed and relaxed, and I absolutely love how there is a holiday every week in Judaism.I went to High Holidays, a seder, and a handful of Shabbat services throughout the last two years of high school. After nearly four years of identifying as a Jew, it felt natural and like it was truly part of my identity. Most of my classmates didn’t even know I was converting. I experienced antisemitism, and while it was usually satirical, it still affected my Jewish experience. It gave me a pride in my religion and new-found culture. It was frustrating not being able to fully observe Judaism. I was in third grade when I decided I needed to move to a large city, so in the back of my mind, I promised myself I could live a Jewish life once I was in college. I made it a goal to join a synagogue and begin the conversion process. In late November 2013, I was accepted to Columbia College Chicago. By the spring, I had officially paid my deposit and would be moving to Chicago in August. I made it one of my many goals to join Hillel and find a conversion class.I began researching synagogues in Chicago. I wanted to try out a Conservative synagogue. There seemed to be more of a standard for practice within the Conservative community, and there were certain mitzvot I felt very drawn to, such as kashrut and Shabbat, that I didn’t feel like the reform community I had been in took seriously. I also wanted a synagogue that had a comprehensive conversion program. Some of the synagogues that I looked at had little or no information about their programs. A synagogue on Chicago’s North Side had a very established program and it was accessible by public transportation. I began the program in September 2014.I completed the Jews-by-Choice program at a Conservative synagogue in May 2015. I went before a beit din on 19 May and went to the mikveh on 21 May. In mid-May, I also moved to a Jewish neighborhood to be within walking distance of the synagogue. I live near three shuls, a JCC and a kosher restaurant. For someone who grew up in rural Virginia, this is heaven. My first year of college in Chicago was a very unique experience. I became very active in Hillel. I formed a pro-Israel student organization at my college. I went to AIPAC Policy Conference as a student delegate. I went on an Alternative Spring Break trip with Hillel and the Jewish Disaster Response Corps. I was able to experience Shabbat through a variety of lenses, from the local reform shul to a Modern Orthodox community, from Hillel Friday night dinners to being welcomed into a local community member’s home. Fast forward a few years to today. I finished undergrad in three years. I spent a year after college working at a major Jewish non-profit. I’ve visited Israel five times. I’ve experienced Jewish life in 9 countries during a semester abroad. I’m shomer shabbat, I keep kosher, I wrap tefillin and I’m relatively happy with where I am and who I am and how far I’ve come.If you have any questions about conversion, Conservative Judaism, or anything else at all, feel free to ask!”

TLDR THIS BITCH NEEDS TO CHOKE ON A ROCK

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darcyckennedy · 5 years

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☆— HEY UPPER EAST SIDERS, SPOTTED: d who looks just like kendall jenner. according to an anonymous source she is perfect contour, wild after parties, & teddy coats to make up for a lack of cuddles. she was last caught listening to miss you by louis tomlinson. the cisfemale is from the upper east side and attended constance billard. DARCY COX KENNEDY still lives in the city at twenty three and is currently a socialite & philanthropist. let’s see what she is going to do next. xoxo, gossip girl. ( admin tamia. nineteen. est. she/her. )

WOW okay, hi there ! i’m tamia, the admin of the group...can i just say i love you all already for applying and applying with such amazing character’s that i cannot wait to start plotting with. a little about me i guess, i’m a nineteen year old college student who lowkey doesn’t wanna be a college student...the dream is the be an actress but my mom’s all “go to college” “the only way to make something of yourself is through college” so yeah. i’m a part-time waitress at the OG aka olive garden so i make alot of Bread jokes that are really bad, i get them from the guests honestly. but that’s enough about me, let’s get to my lil peanut here who is truly a mess, i apologize in advance for her guys.

darcy was born to two elite heavy weights. her mother, georgina cox, is a american billionaire heiress the great-granddaughter of james m. cox the founder of cox enterprises. her father, john f. kennedy jr, was a american lawyer and the son of president john f. kennedy. yes, she’s a kennedy guys.

one month old. her parents broke up after a six year relationship. staying amicable to co-parent although she mostly lived with her father. staying with her mother a couple days of of the week. as her mother was often off in atlanta, with darcy’s grandmother. it was clear from infancy that she was daddy’s little girl, so the fact that she was with him more only made sense.

one year old. her father and carolyn bessette got married. darcy was the flower girl, and truly adored carolyn. the wedding is one of the few days she vividly remembers with her father.

four years old. her mom decided to bring her down to georgia with her for a family event. her dad and carolyn decided to go out to martha’s vineyard during this time where they inevitably crashed the plane and were lost at sea. she was supposed to be picked up by her father three days after but was instead brought back to manhattan by her aunt caroline.

two months later. her aunt kept what happened to her parents a secret for months, initially telling her they couldn’t leave massachussetts due to bad weather conditions, then they suddenly went to africa for philanthropic work. before she knew it darcy had become a completely different child, starting to project her her anger and fear that her father had abandoned her onto others.

the truth. during this time her mother finally stepped forward, brought darcy on a trip to martha’s vineyard and told her about her father and stepmother’s death. it became clear that the trip was specifically meant for darcy to say goodbye to them at their burial.

the aftermath. darcy was distraught for months, it was hard for a young child to wrap her head around the sole person she had attached to being gone forever. her mom immediately found her a psychiatrist who darcy saw twice a week. instead of moving back in with her aunt she moved in with her mom, the two never got close but her mom was the only person that darcy felt she could trust because she was the only one who told her the truth about her father.

ten years old. her attitude became worse. she had truly turned into the stereotypical ues child. it had become too much for her mother to bear and so darcy moved in with her great uncle ted kennedy at the kennedy compound in cape cod. he was possibly the best thing to ever happen to her, he told her endless stories about her father and grandfather which helped her feel closer to both of them. this was when she really started to grow back into the young women her father would have wanted her to become.

thirteen years old. ted and darcy set up a memorial service for her father, at the same cathedral in washington d.c that her grandfather’s service was held. the whole family was invited and because of this it became extremely publicized but darcy didn’t care, this was meant for her to say a proper goodbye to her father and nothing could ruin that for her.

fourteen years old. her great uncle had been diagnosed with brain cancer fifteen months prior, she had stayed with him throughout the whole journey, refusing to leave his side, he had become the closest thing to her father over the years that she lived with him. he died at the kennedy compound in the summer and darcy reluctantly had to move back to manhattan and live with her mom. his death affected her nearly as much as her father’s and it’s a death she carries with her everyday.

psychiatric state: upon her return to the ues her mom once again immediately put darcy into counseling a different and more renowned psychiatrist this time. darcy quickly started to feel like her mother stuck her with a psychiatrist so she wouldn’t have to talk to her daughter about everything that’s gone on, her mother instilled this idea that you don’t talk to anyone about your troubles but a psychiatrist, to everyone else you need to come off happy and content with life no matter how hard it gets. her psychiatrist dr. hill has helped her through alot but she still struggles everyday feeling like she’s a victim of the infamous kennedy curse.

return to the ues. darcy’s return to the upper east side was a whirlwind to say the least. she came back right in time four the first day of highschool. it was a big day to say the least as no one expected her arrival. she reuniting with old friends, was swarmed by paparazzi once again, and made new friendships. she was different this time though, poised, friendly, and charismatic unlike the blair waldorf-esque self she was as a child.

constance billard. during school she was very academic. history was possibly her favorite, maybe because her family was apart of it. she participated in debate team and lacrosse, which she became captain of both by her senior year. she graduated constance with a 3.9 gpa and was accepted into columbia, harvard, and brown. she was tempted to attend brown just to feel a bit closer to her dad but decided to opt out of college all together.

socialite & philanthropy. coming out of school she decided to dive head first into some charity work, from working with unicef to the national brain tumor society. by twenty she became a unicef ambassador and started her own foundation, the darcy kennedy foundation, a nonprofit organization focusing on finding better treatments for cancer patients as well as helping children who have lost their parents due to any sort of fatal event. and of course being who she is she’s been paid to attend events, galas, and parties since she was about fifteen years old, a true american socialite lol.

publicity. as much as everyone tried, it was an impossible feet for a kennedy to stay out of the lime light, especially when you’re the daughter of jfk jr. despite the attempts made by her parents and other family members darcy was often spread across magazine covers, and webpages. as she grew older it only seemed to get worse.

personality. today, darcy is kind, caring, and charismatic. she’s the girl who walks around with a resting bitch face but will walk up to you with a bright smile and compliment your head to toe and genuinely mean every word. to piggyback off that she is extremely genuine and because of this she is also rather loyal, if she cares for you, you never have to worry about her doing something to hurt you or that could hurt you int he slightest. she is rather mature due to everything she’s gone through in life and because of this is often the voice of reason, a total mom friend but don’t think for a minute she doesn’t know how to have fun, because darcy can truly be the life of the party and is always down for an adventure; she is loud, witty, and just overall a good time think, imari stuart.

romantic life. when it comes to relationships the girl is a mess. she dated a brooklyn boy during sophomore year, but she never got past the lust phase with him and so she broke things off with him six months later (wanted connection *cough* *cough*). during junior year she started dating a guy who was everything she was looking for in the last, she fell head over heels for him almost immediately, which was really her downfall in the end. he’s broken her heart more times than one, but she can’t seem to let him go even six years later. she’s had hook ups and short lived relationships sprinkled in between while her and sawyer aren’t together but no one compares in her eyes; she’s been with girls, guys, and everyone in between in an attempt to find someone to get her mind off of her ex but nothing works.

fun facts. her first car was a used 1994 saab that was not in style or cool by any means it was her dad so she didn’t car, but now she owns a few cars that could genuinely put most cars to shame lmao (found here), loves all kinds of music and you never want to put her on aux unless you want to listen to a whole lot of classics/throwbacks like queen, frank sinatra, usher, the beatles, and britney spears, she’s slept with leonardo dicaprio (weird flex i know), she moved out when she was 18 and currently lives at 12 east 88th street (found here), if you’re ever looking for her you can probably find her at a bar with a burger in one hand and a glass of sangria in the other, she is 5′10″ and has a tendency of wearing high heeled boots with give her even more height, she’s never done a narcotic a day in her life but will drink anyone and their father under the table, her great-uncle left most of his belongings to his widow but he did leave darcy 50million dollars for her trust fund, while her father left her everything from material assets to 100million dollars that also went to her trust, when she was 18 she was given her trust found including 100million from her mother.

#upper:intro #death tw #cancer tw #« 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥. // become stronger and you wont need an easy life »

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