alicealder

[alicealder]

i. "lapse" - envy on the coast // ii. "medicine" - daughter // iii. "exit music (for a film)" - radiohead // iv. "stan" - eminem

triggers: drug use (vicodin + heroin), suicide mention

gdocs version if it's easier

She didn’t understand how it had all happened, how it had all escalated. From a joke about a selfish lover to a man being driven mad. From a loose tooth to a dead body. She didn’t know how, but, from the second he looked at her, she knew it was something to her credit. She didn’t know how, but she knew a bad joke about how he inevitably did not last in bed wasn’t the reason he swept her off with him. She had done something. Right then, right there, she had done something. 

She didn’t like the man – at best, she hated the man – but she certainly didn’t want him dead. And that was the last thing she remembered. Slammed into, flying off the building with him – some disgusting lovers’ leap – and expecting a fatal collision. A grotesque lovers’ embrace.

But there was nothing.

And then, there was something. Images of his dead body, the gory shots censored for the sensitive viewers. Holly was missing – okay, she was probably still alive. But Chase? She hadn’t seen him, she hadn’t seen the blood pool, but she had felt him in those last seconds. Or she thought she had. A scared little boy forced behind the ire of something much stronger than himself. A terrified young man in an appalling embrace. 

—------- 

There were only ghosts in the fall. Without Oliver in the house, the rusted water pipes and shoddy electricity and will-it-won’t-it lock weren’t just a nuisance, they were damn near a part of her. The computer would light up with messages every now and again, a ping in the distance, but human connection was a luxury she couldn’t afford.

And, without Oliver there, without that sense of human connection, with Chase’s last breath on repeat…

She had managed to fight through. Every time something nearly caused her to slip – Lux’s disappearance, that horrible feeling that she was being watched – she caught herself. And that was admirable enough, right? Fighting through those past three months – and the eight months before that – meant something, right? But she could work past a friend’s disappearance when she was not the cause, when it didn’t plague her dreams; she could work past the paranoia with that human connection she retained (and the proof that it was justified). 

But she couldn’t work through this. Not with friends, not when she heard that last breath, even awake.

Without Oliver there, without Freyja there, without Mac there – without anyone there – it was fucking easy to open the cabinet she’d last opened for Lux. The final prescription with Brian’s name on it.

—------- 

But that wasn’t quite right. That wasn’t quite it. 

Stops in the Southside weren’t commonly made – not for fear or hatred, rather for the simple fact that, more often than not, they were unnecessary. But the pills weren’t enough – she knew that, she knew they wouldn’t be. Even after over ten months of sobriety, even after her tolerance dropped significantly, the effects were nothing compared to what she recalled the horrifying lovers’ embrace of the most.

The money dished to her from Brian for textbooks hit the calloused hands of an old friend as a baggie of pure white powder hit hers. Some spiel about tolerance, something about not wanting to get too involved, etc – nothing worth really listening to. 

—------- 

What was worse than never having dumped the pills was the simplicity of re-entering the blizzard. 

A metal spoon. Check. 

A lighter. Check.

No tourniquet, but a shoelace would do. Check.

She placed the baggie in the cabinet the pills had originally been in, replacing a reminder with a vice. And she slumped against the wall, solemn silence… except for that last breath. The last breath of a scared young man, jumping from over 20ft up straight to concrete. Ruled suicide. Really a combination of murder (the being who overtook him) and manslaughter (whatever she had done).

Shoelace tied tight, palpating for a good vein. The track marks were still there as reference points, but they had lightened up significantly. Locating one. The insertion, the breaking of the shoelace, the plunge. 

And gradually… his breathing… stopped.

Falling into sweet oblivion, she lifted her eyes to the cabinet. 

Her chips sat beside the baggie. Nearly ten months’ worth.

She wouldn’t miss much, but she would miss that.

[alicealder]

i. "cast iron skillet" - jason isbell and the 400 unit // ii. tonight i'm someone else: essays; the end of longing - chelsea hodson // iii. "rx (medicate)" - theory of a deadman

( gdocs version since tumblr beta is super annoying )

quick stats !

full name: alice audrey alder

date of birth: september 17th, 1966

zodiac big three: virgo sun, pisces moon, libra rising, leo venus

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: home of sexual

ethnicity: white

nationality: us american

religion: agnostic

languages spoken: english (5), spanish (4), latin (3)

enneagram: 2w3

mbti: enfj

temperament: phlegmatic

alignment: true neutral

refresher !

triggers: shitty parenting, the briefest implication of homophobia

Mom, Annabelle “Anne” Alder, kinda really sucks. I guess we’ll go with the version where she’s not a televangelist even though televangelism is super fun and was booming in the 1980s, I just think we know the other version better. Still a lil menty ill tho. 

But Alice’s daddy, Allen, and sister, Alice 1.0, died a week before she was born so you know <3 hard to blame her tbh <3

Still weird that she was like “okay if I can’t have Alice 1.0 I’ll have Alice 2.0”

Momma Alder was like “you’re gonsta be perfect just like ur dad!” and Alice was like “okay how” and momma was like “uhhhh get good grades, be successful, marry a rich guy, be hot” and Alice was like “okay bet”

Mamma Alder also married a rich guy, our bestie Brian, who was like… 20 years her senior. So she had an affair with the poolboy. But honestly that stuff wasn’t too important in the great grand scheme of things – Brian was, though!

Anyway, Alice totes got good grades and was hot! But a rich guy wasn’t in her cards :\ Maybe a rich girl though!

Is Lux rich?

Fell in love with childhood friend Lux Lewis in late 1981 and it lasted around a year.. So that’s basically late sophomore - junior on her end, late freshman - sophomore on Lux’s.

Gradually phased out as Lux got closer to another lesbian we know 🤨(only we don’t know it IC 😔). But Alice was still Lux’s little bitch for the time being.

Idk if the Wonderland dance happened in this timeline... In any case, Lux going bitch mode after the lesbian ‘rumor’ was pinned on Alice still happened! So did the fight between Alice and Anne, though that was a few more months in. So did it getting worse when Alice was like *coach ben vc* hear that, furry little friends?! I’m GAYYY. *end vc* So did Brian leaving to go to a five-star retirement home. 

Anyway, a slight change is that Brian paid the tuition, but Alice still went to live with Indigo… for the time being 🤨

update time !

triggers: drugs. so many drugs., some shitty parenting thrown in there considering brian’s involvement and (arguably!) indigo’s solution

Weed and alcohol weren’t entirely foreign – they were both present at basically all the parties thrown – but Alice had never partaken in them beyond a slight buzz. Up until, of course, the winter of 1983. Just to balance things out, right? Just to make the world seem a little chiller during the crux of her final year in high-school, right?

But all of the shit that came with it – related to Lux or not – eventually brought it to a null spot. And Brian (who didn’t think to ask anything about it), ever the caring father figure, offered what used to help him through his rough patches! A little pill!

As of right now, I’m basically just typing out the timeline I wrote down. So with nothing smooth to say, Alice found herself a regular Vicodin user by the Spring of 1984.

And, while all things preceding the date were stressful enough, that brings us to entering college! Yay! Brian’s started paying tuition and there was that huge blowout and she’s living with Indigo now, so on and so forth. Anyway, now that that’s been refreshed:

Fall of 1984… Maybe someone would point to Lux and the bullying. Maybe someone would point to Anne Alder, suddenly without child and husband. Maybe someone would point to the lack of a stable home. But the truth was that it was none of that, and it was all of that.

The first few months, Alice was doing her best to keep up. She was still keeping her grades way up, she was still working hard to maintain her friendships, she was still trying to keep up a semblance of a life – she would have been dubbed ‘functioning.’ But something… just broke. Seemingly out of nowhere, something cracked. 

*It happened slowly, then all at once. General stress – stress that seemed normal – snapped. There were voices and delusions and–

–Brian’s donations weren’t enough anymore. After searching, after a chance finding, Alice crossed the snow line… 

And it… worked. The stress had dissipated and life… it was so much better. As long as she rolled the snow up on the 8hr schedule it needed, life was beautiful! 

For a while.

When Winter rolled around, it was plain for Indigo to see that Alice was not just smoking doobage. In fact, she wasn’t just smoking anything anymore – not if the cotton ball and shoelace had anything to say about it! 

Thus, Indigo (real name: Angela), past groupie (who “Angie” by the Stones had clearly been written about) who had seen the dangerous outcomes firsthand, was… in essence, like, “Get your shit together!”

But if some missing money, pinpoint pupils, and a nod off that led to a close call with godsmack had anything to say about it… Alice was not, in fact, getting her shit together.

Indigo had never planned on being a mother, and though she was much more caring and empathetic than her sister, she wasn’t prepared for… how to deal with this (unless it was Eric Clapton who clearly got clean for her). At the end of the day, is anyone? Especially when the main source of said kid’s cost of living was coming from an indirect enabler? (See: Brian <3)

Not knowing what else to do if Alice wouldn’t agree to seek help, she made the hesitant decision to kick her out.

Lucky for Alice, there was one vacant house in Cherry where someone she knew had been able to claim squatter’s rights – that someone being Oliver (who, outside of alcohol and weed, could be considered a surprising straight-edge given what he’d seen his mom go through at the hands of SUD).

Yes, I’m connecting my two characters. Yes, I am using this cop-out. *Ariana Grande vc* And what about it?

When Spring rolled around, her role in ‘the gang’ was nearly non-existent, existing more as a ghost than a person. Which was about how life was going. Moving through it like a ghost, disconnected from the Earth, watching from a state of limbo, becoming a distant memory.

r/im14andthisisdeep

She still managed to get by in CCU, though not without strife and sliding grades. Speedballing helped, but even then, she was distracted. 

Oliver tried giving her the movie star speech… which didn’t work, but it was worth a shot!

Fall came and so did sophomore year’s tuition payment… some of which was pocketed and spent on things that should not have been important as they felt.

Outside of that, it was largely uneventful. Just repetition of how life had been for the past… year and a half? But it wasn’t as fun as it used to be. And most bridges had burned themselves (hell, save for Brian, every bridge with family had burned down). And there would never be anything fun again, would there be? She stays in the routine, it’s normal. She breaks it and tries to get sober? At best, it’s boring. At worst, it’s hell on Earth. And she would choose routine over that any day! If she’d already lost most everything she could lose, why bother? The only things she had left were school (and she would be on academic probation in Spring – if she were kicked out… who cared anymore?), an empty house (was there much of a difference between an empty house – that desperately needed repairs – with one guy and a street?), the few bridges she hadn’t burned (a lighter would come eventually), and a beating heart (did it matter anymore?). Burn it down.

That was the prevailing thought until one Ford Freese entered the picture in early December, an offer to pay for a 30-day inpatient stay over the CCU winter break.

…winter break totally isn’t for deus ex machina purposes!

In any other case, she would’ve declined the offer with enthusiasm – some of the only enthusiasm she still showed! But the one thing she hadn’t thought of? The one thing she hadn’t thought to add to her list of things that could be stripped from her? Her freedom. Aha, don’t arrest me! Aha, I’m too sexy to go to jail for 7+ years!

Let it be known that he never actually threatened arrest – or anything even close! – but you see a man with a badge…

She entered rehab on the first day of their winter break. The methadone helped with the detox, but not with the… worth. Nonetheless, she walked out of rehab two days after CCU had begun the Spring semester. 

A month later, she had ‘completed’ the outpatient program – during which she’d been doing her damndest to get off academic parole. Without any funding for something like a methadone clinic – or, I don’t know, a therapist? – it was her and her willpower! 

And, credit where credit is due, staying sober due to a sense of obligation? Of ‘you did this grand gesture for me, I can do this one thing for you’? Well, it was working! Enough to get her to NA!

But, even nearly eight months later, everything feels rather askew. She’s part of the gang again, not a ghost… but is she? She’s back to her role of ‘great student’... but is she? Lux has lost her influence… but has she?

Well… Hollywoo Stars and Celebs! What Do They Know? Do they Know Things? Let’s Find Out!

updated tl;dr !

Alice started doing drugs about eight months earlier than her Cherry 1.0/2.0 counterparts. 

She developed a tolerance to Vicodin and didn’t have the benefit of seeing Lux’s ghost because… Lux isn’t dead (or presumed dead), so she moved up the ladder of gateway drugs and, following a bit of a menty b in her freshman year of college, she started using smack.

Eventually got kicked out of Indigo’s house for understandable reasons and went to squat live with Oliver (deus ex machina!). 

Yanno. shit happens!

Was not successfully enticed to enter recovery until Ford Freese offered to pay for rehab (and, even then, it was just because “oh this guy has a badge I don’t want to go to jail im so sexy for that aha”). Got clean.

Has been sober for nearly eight months now… mainly out of obligation!

But my favorite form of character growth is character descent :elmosmile:

[alicealder]

elainexarcher​:

❤️‍🔥

It wasn’t like Elaine wanted to keep things a secret. It wasn’t like she wanted to play pretend with Zev and hide who she really was, what she really wanted. But she had long ago accepted that her own feelings were to be pushed aside, that what her parents wanted- demanded, would always come first. There were brief moments when she thought about breaking free. With Casey… with Lux. But Casey would have blended in eventually, Augustus would have dressed him up in a suit and stuck him somewhere, just the way Hargrove was now. With Lux, it was clear that she’d have to make a choice… love or her life. What a difficult choice that had been, countless hours tossing and turning and agonizing over the decision. 

But Lux had shown her that love wasn’t enough, not enough to make someone stay and not enough to break away from the path that had been chosen for her. She felt crushed under the weight of her ex-girlfriend’s absence, even after all the time that had passed. It felt like it would never end, like no matter what happened there would always be a piece of her that disappeared with Lux. She never wanted to feel that way again, never wanted to give herself away enough to let someone break her. So maybe that would make everything easier- marrying a man one day, living a life she didn’t want. At least the makeshift stitches keeping her bruised and broken heart together would stay intact. 

But there was Alice. Alice who had snuck her way under Elaine’s skin so stealthily that she hadn’t recognized it until now. Alice who Elaine caught herself thinking about far too often. Alice who overwhelmed her, who sent her running when it all felt like too much, and calmed her just the same. 

But it can’t be. And it couldn’t. And it wouldn’t. 

If the Archers hadn’t arranged a jet to take them away that night Elaine would have declined, would have turned cold the way she so often did. It was an instinct, a defense mechanism that she couldn’t break free of. But Elaine would be leaving to an empty home anyway, and waking up on Christmas morning next to Alice’s warmth rather than the chill of her empty home was enticing. Still, she hesitates for a moment, wondering if Mackenzie would pass the word along to anyone that Elaine had spent the night there. 

There’s a sick twist in her stomach when she asks, guilt for the thought, the feeling it must cause. It was a necessary evil, protection, walls, caution. “Mac wouldn’t… tell anyone, would he?” 

.

There was a degree of humor to it, for as hopeless as the story was, it was not original by any means. It was classic. Orpheus and Eurydice. Gatsby and Daisy. Winston and Julia. And that is simply omitting the most obvious among them. Doomed love was nothing new. Doomed love was created to sell, created to entertain. And, in some odd decade or so, perhaps they would look back from a kitchen or a hotel or a grave and be entertained. Young love, after all, often went hand-in-hand (I will continue to omit the obvious).  And this was not love. Not truly. Infatuation was a far better word. After Lux, she had learned better than to call something ‘love’ so quickly. She had loved only one thing in her life (in the sense she had once defined her love for Lux ; in the sense that she was denying Elaine), and how toxic that had been! Handgun. One shot. Fix yourself. Well, never mind. Everything else? An afterthought. She had been an afterthought. And that was not how love worked, now was it? All other forms of love... perhaps she had loved Lux once -- loved Lux in the way she had loved Zahra. Old friendships -- planted seeds that had blossomed into beautiful bouquets. Perhaps she had once loved her mother, as well as she could. Familial bonds were difficult to shake, even harder when a mirror was held up. Perhaps she loved some members of the Gang. Close proximity bred familiarity, though familiarity was destined to breed contempt. But they, too, had been an afterthought. For better or for worse, she was not the only second player in her life. For better or for worse, fate waited around the corner. For better or for worse, tragic legacy waited for Elaine. For better or for worse, tragic absurdity waited for Alice. How cliché! But not everything was so laid out. Expectations were flipped when Alice’s proposal were not met with some form of denial. Some chill washing over. A chill she had come to expect, and a chill she had come to accept. But there was no wall standing between the two... a window, perhaps? Too cautious to fully open the door, and... too tempting to build out of nothing but concrete? “I mean, I’m not his, y’know, puppeteer, but I doubt it. He hasn’t before.” It would be a lie to say ‘no, he definitely won’t!’ -- she had no control over his words or his actions, and it wasn’t worth it to lie -- not when there was something actually on the table. But his track-record was clean -- and there had always seemed to be an unspoken agreement. What happens in the apartment, stays in the apartment! 

#interactions ! #interactions || elaine ! #interactions || elaine 1 ! #luv how this reply is like: r/im14andthisisdeep #then 'WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS BAY-BEE'

[alicealder]

roryjackson​:

☼

She blinked, her brain going entirely blank for a moment at Alices estimation. “That’s… wow.” A pause. “Wow.” Maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising, after spending half her time at Zev and Harvey’s house, Still. It hurt her brain a little to conceptualize it that way. Two full years of tuition, spent on a party to rub elbows with people everyone already knew. God, what was the point of it? Rory wasn’t usually the cynical type, but even she doubted that the goal was spreading holiday cheer. 

“What would you do, if you had all this money?” She glanced at Alice, and took a sip of her stolen champagne to bury any of the uncertainty that sometimes took over when they talked. 

.

Despite it being a total guess, halfway based on the humor that hyperbole can bring, halfway based on reality... fully based on absurdism because how in the hell..., the fact of the matter: they were rich, they had spent an exorbitant amount of money on something half the attendees would forget in the morning, they already knew the grand majority of the guests they still felt the need to impress, so on and so forth and what have you. God, being a member of the H.A.H. had to be exhausting.  Oh, she knew exactly what she would do if she had all that money! Jesus christ, it was a damn good thing she was not just inherently rich (anymore -- turned out discount Tammy Faye had done her a favor)! Hedonism was all well and good -- treat yourself was the doctrine. But, like... you know, if she had the money available at all times, the point of no return really would’ve been the point of no return! (Not in the sexy death way though...) But her second choice? ...She was blinded by the love she held for her first, a second choice was difficult! “Pay the next two years of tuition.” There! Good! “But if we’re talking all the Holly money, you’ve gotta wonder why they haven’t, like, invested in a scholarship by now.” They were altruists, right? Nodding towards the other, she asked the simplest question of them all: “How about you?”

#interactions ! #interactions || rory ! #interactions || rory 1 ! #DONT JINX IT CLAIRE IT'S ALREADY STARTING TO FLIP!!

[alicealder]

caseyrussell​:

who:@alicealder what: if only i knew… for i do not… where: the holly party!

It’s late in the evening by the time Casey settles into the game room - tired of hanging around the backyard secretly sipping from a cup of spiked eggnog for most of the night. He immediately sets upon trying to find a game - something that’ll occupy their time a little better than drinking and philosophising. Which, arguably, is most of the conversations he seems to have with Alice. “Y'know, the Monopoly guy has never actually had a monocle,” he states over his shoulder, jiggling the box slightly in his hand and listening as the pieces inside rattle around. He’d never really liked Monopoly. Perhaps because he was a little too competitive with it - like the game would be the closest he’d ever really be to being some tycoon, slowly taking over the world with his little fake property empire. “Complete myth, like one of those - uh - Nelson Mandela effects.” He finally takes the box from the shelf, setting it down on one of the tables in the room and cracking open the lid before throwing Alice a wry smirk. “Wanna play? Promise I won’t go full anti-Marx on you… Karl not Richard.”

.

Peering at the box, the Monopoly man did not look right. With all the disbelief and fear in the world -- because that just wasn’t right!, she replied, “No...” How many years had it been since Alice had last played Monopoly? God knows! It was one hell of a long game, reserved only for the most inane nights... such as this one! -- but she could’ve sworn she remembered him with a monocle! “Oh, shit -- like the Vitruvian Man’s two sets of arms?” The Vitruvian Man only having four arms kept her awake at night -- like, it had never been the drugs, it had always been the Vitruvian Man and his arms if you asked her! “If I can use the dog.” Taking a brief beat, she continued, “Y’know, I don’t think they really thought their pieces through. I mean, they’ve somehow got, like, a battleship and a thimble.” But that was beside the point... Or was it? The most important part of Monopoly was always staking your claim on the pieces, and who would want to be the iron when a horse + rider was available?  “Think Monopoly would be an effective way to study the ethics of capitalism and Marxism?”

#drug mention tw #interactions ! #interactions || casey ! #interactions || casey 1 ! #some crimes cannot be forgiven. #- but this one can :elmosmile: #also. the mandela effect that trips me up the most. is the fruit of the loom one.

[alicealder]

Margaret Atwood, Morning in the Burned House; from ‘Shapechangers in Winter’

#musings ! #ft. zahra #i luv u kiara and also ur the worst!

[alicealder]

elainexarcher​:

❤️‍🔥

Elaine had never really been sure of who she was, never stopped to think about it really until Casey came along. Their relationship was the first real thing she’d ever done wrong, the first step she’d taken outside of her parents’ grip. It must have been why she’d found it so exhilarating, why she’d been addicted to the feeling, why she risked it all for a taste of freedom. She loved Casey, of course, she still did. She was still convinced they were some kind of soulmates, though now she knew it wasn’t of the romantic sort. And even then, she hadn’t truly been herself, because if she had been nothing would have happened between them in the first place. 

Lux had been like seeing the sun after a lifetime underground- though Elaine still hasn’t been able to determine if knowing it was there is better or worse. What was the use of knowing the warmth of the sun when you were doomed for the dark and cold? When the only time you could be yourself was under the cover of night? And there would be a time where even that would have to stop, when she’d have to settle down and get ‘serious’ and put everything she wanted aside for everything she was expected to do. 

She still wasn’t sure, but it didn’t really matter right now, did it? “Yeah, I know,” she lets her words hang in the air for a moment, eyes focused on Alice for a beat too long for two people who were just friends. She wishes they were anywhere else than Cherry right now, bathed in these lights somewhere far away from everyone they knew. Because then she could have pulled Alice in closer, kissed her… something more romantic than just smiling and nodding like an idiot. 

When she finally pulls her gaze away she’s not sure what to say, not sure what to do or what move to make next. She’d never exactly been earnest, especially not with Alice, not when she flinched back every time she got too close to their flame. But in the spirit of Christmas… “I wish…” that I could kiss you, that we didn’t have to hide, that I wasn’t so scared of feeling something for you, “That it wasn’t like this.” 

.

What had she always been? The secret or the secret-keeper? From Lux to strangers at night to Elaine... Both, she believed. Both, she knew. It should have hurt more than it did. It should have felt as though they were ashamed to be seen with her. But she had grown wiser since the Wonderland Dance. Lux had not been ashamed. Strangers had not been ashamed (at least, not with her in specific). Elaine was not ashamed. They were frightened. It was an unforgiving world filled to the brim with unforgiving people -- it had been an easy lesson to learn. And, at her worst? She did not even believe the strangers deserved the flack they would get if their secret came to light. (Perhaps she was a bit saner now, a bit cleaner. Perhaps she knew now -- knew that they would deserve the scorn from their wives or husbands or partners. But they felt nothing short of generous at the time. She fixed herself.) If the Archers were to learn, Elaine would be ousted as quickly as Alice had been. And Elaine’s path had been mapped out even more than Alice’s had been. How lost she would be. How terrifying to navigate their sick world alone. (And perhaps Alice liked to believe she would not be alone... but there was a hint of realism about the situation. There would always be one great love in Alice’s life, one so hard to let go of, and how hard it was to accept that that love was not human.) How Alice would pray for her if she still dared to enter the church. How she would wonder, standing together, lights accentuating a silhouette, why she was to be an exception.  Handgun on the table, one shot if you’re able. Freedom -- it was horrifying. Freedom to map everything out. Freedom to fit an unsavory narrative, unwritten at a young age. Freedom to listen, freedom to learn, freedom to pretend. Freedom to find romanticization in the release of Janis Joplin, in the release of Jim Morrison, in the release of Jimi Hendrix. Freedom to find romanticization in the release of Sylvia Plath, in the release of Virginia Woolf, in the release of Louis Adamic. A life of art. A life of hedonism. A life of tragedy. Who was she to be? Who was she to follow? A bathtub, maybe. A hotel, perhaps. A trailer, even. Free to get away. Free to turn her back. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving no legacy behind. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving no stone unturned. Free to leave whenever she so pleased, leaving few disappointed.  Who would be there? A secret. Who would be there? A secret-keeper.  Terror it could cause. Terror it had caused.  Who had been there? Would it ever be purposeful? A secret. Who would know if it was? A secret-keeper. No one. What light Christmas thoughts! “But it can’t be.” Resolve. They could not live their lives hanging by the delicacy that was hope. The hope that Elaine could reach freedom; the hope that Alice could reach control. An ever-present duel. A tragic duel. “But...” the following proposal would be tentative, not one she expected Elaine to accept -- but if there was so much as a 1% chance that she would accept, that they could spend that night together... what was there to lose? “Mac and I really went to town with the Christmas decor in our apartment -- y’know, if you wanna check out how the other half is living.”

#drug mention tw #suicide mention tw #interactons ! #interactions || elaine ! #interactions || elaine 1 ! #the way i fr went straight from 'i cannot write' to 'here are over four paragraphs and some experimental bullshit #ruminating on secret vs secret-keeper and fear and freedom vs control and a doomed relationship' #ETA like 12hrs later: i have no clue what happened here but i aint editing it.

[alicealder]

elainexarcher​:

❤️‍🔥

The Archers were a lot of things. Ambitious, cold, egocentric… it was safe to say that no one would ever describe them as forgiving. That kind of upbringing had led Elaine to where she was now, always looking over her shoulder, afraid to make even the tiniest misstep. She still hadn’t heard the end of the Harvey-Casey thing, despite the years that had passed and her ‘relationship’ with Zev. Of course that would never be good enough, because Zev wasn’t the best Hargrove- or technically a Hargrove at all and the Archers were nothing if they weren’t at the top. And then there was the guilt. The hours she spent in the church, praying for forgiveness, praying to wake up as someone different. She wanted everything that had been planned for her, the house with the picket fence and the beautiful children and the perfect husband. Or at least… she wanted to want it. 

There’s the smallest amount of relief as they slip into the cool air of the night and the sound of the party softens with each step they take. Nowhere near as much as when they’re in the safety of Alice’s apartment, when she can pull down the mask enough to let parts of herself slip through. Of course, she’d been nervous at first- but threatening Mackenzie with bodily harm if he told anyone how often she was there was enough to settle that fear. Besides, he was dumb enough to believe they were just gals being pals! They may be away from the party, but they’re still in Cherry, and there’s still eyes everywhere. One rumor that she liked girls and she was sure her parents would lock her in her bedroom and throw away the key. 

All that to say, Christmases with the Archers were never the warm affairs Elaine saw on TV. Her parents often took advantage of the days off and took a trip, leaving Elaine at home with whichever nanny hadn’t quit yet. There were extravagant presents of course, but they couldn’t fill the hole in her heart that grew bigger each year. And had all but doubled in size since Harvey stopped showing up every Christmas morning. There was no Harvey, no Lux, and at nineteen there was no need for a nanny, which would leave Elaine… all alone this year. But at least she always had the Christmas card, at least when her family’s smiling faces looked back at her she could pretend they were as happy as they looked.

It was obvious that Elaine hadn’t thought this through, because if she had she would have accounted for the fact that the lights would be bright enough to illuminate Alice. And she would have known just how weak in the knees that would make her, how out of breath she would feel. “Beautiful,” it’s involuntary and she nearly chokes on it, clearing her throat, “The lights… I mean. The lights are beautiful aren’t they?” 

.

A hint of tragedy to it, yes? Alice had never been destined for anything as important as the H.A.H. -- never destined for a life where control forced upon her would flip to her being the enforcer. She had had a map laid out in front of her, endgame being some sort of success in curating a good Christian nuclear family -- two and a half kids, picket fence, golden retriever in an ascot, tire swing in the backyard, husband calling ‘Honey, I’m home!’ as she finished with his meatloaf and apple sauce, children sent off to Ivy leagues, etc, etc, etc. It had never been directly said -- discount Tammy Faye alternated between the illusion of fate and free-will, prompting great confusion.  Better yet, prompting great submission.  In a way, she could offer a thank you to Lux, as terrible as she wound up being, for the torment. Had it not been for the break, the snap, a life she did not desire would still lie ahead and she would be none the wiser. She would be where Elaine stood, looking over her shoulder to ensure she was not suspect. She would not be allowed to be herself, even if she still did not entirely know who herself was. At least she had the chance to find it. But near absolute freedom at such a young age? It drove to an area of absurdity. Edward Albee, Samuel Beckett, Jean-Paul Sartre -- an absurd character, one who could speak fast in a setting as normal and depressing as Virginia Woolf, one who could wait to fall prey to some unknown force such as Godot, one who could wait for torment with No Exit. Oh, if only Godot would come around. If only the sense of purpose he or it distilled in the two men who kept returning would come around. Would offer that same sense. But The Boy came around every night instead, announcing that Godot would not be able to make it.  Absurd freedom. Absolute control. Which was worse? Freedom to explore. Path to success. Freedom of danger. Path of safety. It was only in looking at the lights, so splendid and sparkling, that there was an answer: absurd freedom. It did not beat absolute control, not every time. But it allowed identity. It allowed the freedom to leave off on ‘Beautiful.’ In the moment she and Elaine stood, illuminated by lights that could rival Times Square (so she assumed), Alice could say ‘beautiful’ and leave it at that. She could compliment the beautiful woman beside her, she could tell her what she thought: she was gorgeous, her silhouette accented against the bright lights, features so often hidden behind the distraction of all others... But Elaine brought with her the control that Alice had managed to escape.  At times, it was worth it. “They’re gorgeous. Breathtaking.” Code, of course. “I haven’t seen lights this... magnificent in at least four years. Only those balls, y’know?”

#interactions ! #interactions || elaine ! #interactions || elaine 1 ! #so true of mac! thinking they're just gals being pals! #this is so straight of them.

[alicealder]

elainexarcher​:

❤️‍🔥

Lux had made a permanent home in Elaine’s mind from the very first kiss. Even now, with how much time had passed since their breakup, Elaine is searching for her everywhere. Every move she makes is influenced by her and her absence and all the love Elaine no longer knew what to do with. Sometimes she feels like it’s all a bad dream, like she’ll suddenly wake up gasping for breath in Lux’s arms. She wants more than anything to forget, and then again she’s afraid to let go of the memories. Because then what does she have left? 

Somehow, it all goes away when she’s alone with Alice. It’s a weight lifted off her chest and exhaling a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It pulls her back into the other woman’s arms over and over again, searching for those little fleeting moments of bliss. Because of course Lux always sneaks back into her mind, along with the guilt of losing herself in someone new. Not that she owed Lux anything, not after all the pain she’d caused Elaine, and certainly not after she left without so much as a goodbye. 

She’s about to reply when she catches her father’s eye across the room. It’s in that moment that she realizes she’d subconsciously leaned into Alice, and it’s only a second before she’s straightening her posture. “I um- I don’t think I’ve ever actually been to a Howard Johnson’s.” 

How easy it was for Elaine to go from hot to cold. How typical of her to not be able to finish what she started. The difference tonight is that she wants to run toward Alice instead of away from her, and how she’ll pray for that feeling not to last. Her father’s focus has shifted elsewhere and still she feels like she’s crumpling under it, and now her own eyes are shifting all over the party- had anyone heard them?

“I heard the people around the block have lights you can like- see from space or something. Wanna check ‘em out?” 

.

Elaine saw an Archer.  After the time they spent together, for better or for worse, Alice could tell the difference between indifferent and in danger. It was not merely for the fact that she had once felt the same -- dark nights spent intertwined with Lux, bright days spent being nothing more than friends. For Lux’s sake. For her own sake. They were not always amongst an open and forgiving crowd. And, while Alice no longer had a place in her heart for such worry? While Alice had lost everything she could have from it? While the levity of openness had been worth more than one blow-up? The same could not be said for Elaine, still scrutinized -- and expected to be someone, at that. Such was the fate for all first-born H.A.H. kids, yes? Thus, she finds it more than acceptable if Elaine chooses to turn a shoulder. She had to go find her very straight, very heterosexual boyfriend! Zev and Elaine, the least homosexual people in the world! -- But, much to Alice’s surprise, she does not leave. She does not turn entirely cold. She doesn’t even try to end the conversation, rather simply redirect it -- go off of Alice’s offered receipt! “That’s not much of a surprise,” she replied with a light shrug. Oh no, it sounded like she was richphobic! “It’s a dying breed, hence why that receipt will be worth a lot one day.” Wow! Maybe Elaine could live off her Howard Johnson’s receipt money and not have to worry about all of the H.A.H bullshit! -- Ah, but such was not her fate! The sins of the father trickle down and all that. The blood turns to poison. An absurd life of freedom or a bitter life of control? Which was better, who could say. But compare and contrast Alice and Elaine in some decades -- perhaps the answer would lie within. But she comes back around.  It isn’t unlike Lux, save for Elaine... not torturing them (probably). The swings, the uncertainty of her standing, the secrecy, the silver to Casey or Harvey or XYZ’s gold. The addiction.  And, quite frankly? She hadn’t seen magnificent lights since she had left discount Tammy Faye. Christmases after that? Rather bleak. They didn’t tend to be terrible (save, perhaps, for the previous year’s), but they were grey. “So that’s what I’ve been missing!” She hadn’t come to the holiday party to subconsciously maintain and rebuild friendships! She hadn’t come to the holiday party to restore a sense of stability! She had come to the holiday party because, just a block away, there were lights to rival that epic DSOTM Pink Floyd laser light show! Tone dropping to something a bit more serious, a bit more sentimental, she continued, “I would love to check them out. -- But you’ll have to lead the way.” Perfect. Totally platonic but also totally not! This was how you did it, kids!

#interactions ! #interactions || elaine ! #interactions || elaine 1 !

[alicealder]

lucalogan​:

🎤

Was it entirely possible that Luca was barking up the wrong tree? Absolutely. Recalling the reality of each member of the gang from before he left had felt a puzzle he didn’t feel he still had all the pieces too. Sure he could recall Zahra, someone he’d been avoiding like the plague since his return home, and it’d be impossible for him to forget Mac. But the rest? As sad as it made him, they’d been afterthoughts once he’d run. He’d made new friends. People he’d hoped could fill some of the void. People to create new memories with. To no avail. Running into Alice now he was filled with his own pang of jealousy. A feeling of curiosity for what might have been had he stuck around a little longer. 

When she tossed him the lighter it came with a small hinderance of surprise. Like he couldn’t believe he was right about this. But the way the question rolled off her tongue left much to be desired. 

“I mean if I’m being honest, I wasn’t. But you’ve just gone and turned it right on around.” He mused as he flicked the lighter to get the end of his cigarette lit. A cherry red flame lighting up his hand as he waited for it to light. “What can I say I’m not hard to please.” Luca continued as he finished taking a drag. “How about yourself? Have the Holly’s gotten you in the holiday spirit yet?” 

.

“I have that effect on people.” Oh, it was certainly delivered as some kind of sly joke, but there was more than a grain of truth to it. That year... the people she would settle for, the people she would please. Men in anything from suits to calloused hands -- no pleasure sustained on her behalf, but the euphoria it would buy her made it worth it in the moment. And that was merely scratching the surface! -- Of what he was ignorant of, at least. Perhaps he would recall that severe problem with people-pleasing she’d had before he ran off -- and then some.  Alice held her hand out for the lighter when his cigarette had been successfully lit. He wasn’t about to be the only one who could have some fun with her lighter -- not when a blunt to ruin the scent of gingerbread and cider had been waiting. There were better things to smoke. And hedonism was no sin under her doctrine as her own God. But God hadn’t felt like much of one smoking - snorting, shooting - those better substances. “Well, nothing says ‘happy holidays!’ like Fat Cat David Holly giving the most heartfelt speech I’ve ever heard.” A good laugh! An excellent charade! A beautiful mask! “But -- their fine liquor’s been lifting things up.” If she could say nothing else...

#drugs tw #drug mention tw #interactions ! #interactions || luca ! #interactions || luca 1 !

[alicealder]

elainexarcher​:

❤️‍🔥

Elaine and Alice were never supposed to last longer than a night. Something she could pass off as a mistake or, god-forbid, an experimentation if she needed to. It wasn’t supposed to turn into… this, whatever this even was. There were days that Elaine got caught in Alice’s gravitational pull, and those were the days where she stuck around a little too long, slept a little too close, felt a little too much. And then it would all start to feel too similar to Lux, and that could only lead to heartbreak and despair. Too similar to trying to make things work through all the pain, to calling an empty house just to hear her voice on the answering machine, to locking herself in her bedroom for half a summer. 

And still, she lets herself get pulled in- if only for a few fleeting moments. “Not for a second,” she’s teasing, flirting, a dangerous game considering the company they’re keeping, “I’m sure we can think of a way for you to make it up to me, though.” 

.

Alice hardly remembered how it had begun... which made sense. There were plenty of important things she had forgotten, entirely addled for a year and then some. But she remembered how it felt, and that was the most important part. It had been a betrayal. A betrayal against a woman she no longer loved; a betrayal against the God she would not be able to fully drill out of her mind until His friend took His place; a betrayal against Elaine, for she was just another in a long slew when she certainly deserved better; a betrayal against herself, being an exception.  And betrayal had always been so intoxicating. Was it any wonder that she came back? Was it any wonder that she came back when, logically speaking, harm was being done to no one but themselves? Betrayal. Secret. Exception.  The cruelty of Lux could not compare.  “You mean you don’t want a crumpled receipt from Howard Johnson’s? Unbelievable...” What a tragedy! ...Not that Alice hadn’t gotten Elaine a gift, rather that Howard Johnson’s was dying out.  Alice was aware of the company they were in. Aware that the Archers were somewhere to be found. Aware that their friends were scattered about. But how could she resist such a perfect fake opening? In as hushed as tone as she could manage, she raised an eyebrow and replied, “I’m sure there are plenty of bedrooms in this house.” Then, to recover -- to leave off on a note that, with anyone else, would not be offered: “Though if that doesn’t work out... that Howard Johnson’s receipt will be worth a lot of money one day.”

#interactions ! #interactions || elaine ! #interactions || elaine 1 ! #*kid yelling and turning the volume up meme* U TOLD ME AGAIN U PREFERRED HANDSOME MEN BUT FOR ME U WLD MAKE AN EXCEPTION! #me googling most popular fast food chains in the 80s and seeing that howard johnson's was apparently dying. #whatever that is.

[alicealder]

Simona Tabasco

ph Luca Elio Rimatori

#visage ! #feeling very gay feelings in this denny's tonight. #(both of my fcs being italian? so true of me!)

[alicealder]

roryjackson​:

who: @alicealder​ what: rich people, man

“How much do you think this all costs?” Rory murmured, looking around the Holly mansion.  The opulence of the annual Christmas party (and of, well, everything else the HAH families did) always managed to do this to her, even now. And it’d been a long time since she’d first come to the Hollys’ and had to pick her jaw up off the floor. Still, some things never change. “Like, the decorations, the caterers, the bar…” She shook her head, turning her bewildered expression to Alice. “You think it’s more or less than a full year of CCU tuition?” 

.

A show of wealth. That’s all the parties seemed to be -- a way to brag without actually bragging. But observation stated the obvious: haha, we’re rich! get on our level! -- And, like... yeah, it was nice that they were at least doing something for the town... but there was that whole ‘there is no such thing as a truly selfless act’ -- and by god, from what she knew of them? That certainly applied to the HAH members! “I’d place money on it being worth at least two full years. Hell, I’d like to say that I’m shocked there isn’t already some kind of ‘Holly Scholarship.’” But she was definitely not shocked. “I mean, that said, I still wouldn’t place even a thousandth of what this party is worth.”

#interactions ! #interactions || rory ! #interactions || rory 1 ! #cosmetic surgery!

[alicealder]

lucalogan​:

who: @alicealder​ what: catching up 

It was no secret that when Luca left, he’d obviously left more than his sisters behind. He’d left school, left his friends, left everything for the chance to no longer live under Glenda Logan’s thumb. And while he’d had a little bit of time to prepare for what awaited him when it came to his sisters, his friends had been a forethought. He hadn’t called. Hadn’t alerted any of them to his return. He sure as hell didn’t have a plan for how he was going to assimilate back in. But part of him wondered if he’d even really need one. It wasn’t like he had anything serious going on with any of them, save maybe a few? How hard could it be? Luca made a point of stopping to grab himself a drink, flashing a fake ID he’d brought with him before making his way into the backyard to find a sea of faces both familiar and unfamiliar alike. Allowed himself to take a quick sip from his drink before making his way across the deck to the first familiar face he could find. “Long time no see.” He announced as he leaned against a railing. “Last I recalled you’re someone I could bum a lighter off of right?” He asked, both teasing, and a legitimate question as he pulled a pack of smokes from his back pocket. “I keep seeming to lose mine.”

.

When Luca ran, Alice was... disappointed, perhaps? A friend, gone. A friend, lost. Libby’s own twin, disappeared. But she hadn’t wished she had done the same -- not those four years ago. Four years ago -- such a trivial amount of time -- everything seemed all good. Now, though? What would have been different? How much better would things have been? It was hard to envision anything as worse -- even death would have been fine! (Save, perhaps, if she had gotten incarcerated. Perhaps she would have been able to eventually become the matriarch of the prison, so to speak, but that would surely take a great deal of time... hm...) Yes, the past year or so? She had run away in her own way, evidenced by a false increase in age, but she was still in Cherry. For who? For what? -- Questions she couldn’t answer! She hummed in response to Luca’s request -- not so much out of anger, out of bitterness, out of jealousy. It wasn’t as though they had ever been particularly close -- and it wasn’t as though she had yet to see him since he returned in September. But he did misremember her! Four years ago, she would not have had a lighter! A reasonable request now, though. - Thus, she tossed it to him -- a little game of ‘catch!’ “Having a holly jolly time yet?” she asked, eyebrow quirked... because it was very clear that, if he was looking for a lighter, it was unlikely! Mood!

#interactions ! #interactions || luca ! #interactions || luca 1 ! #cosmetic surgery!

[alicealder]

elainexarcher​:

closed starter for @alicealder​

Elaine has never been particularly good at showing affection. She wasn’t the girl who would write you long love letters or gush about how much she liked you when she had too much to drink. She showed she cared in her own subtle ways. With Zahra it was polishing her cheer shoes and fluffing her pom-poms along with her own. For Harvey it was smoothing his collar or fixing his hair, straightening the frames in his bedroom or color-coding his bookshelf. Shirts would appear in Casey’s closet, freshly washed sheets on his bed. Kisses were pressed to Lux’s shoulders, coffee made just the way she liked it was shoved into her hands every morning before classes began. It’s not exactly out of her character to have gotten Alice a Christmas present, though she hadn’t realized what she was doing until she was already walking out of the store. A pristinely wrapped copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s “No Exit” is pressed into the other girl’s hands and Elaine is playing it totally cool. 

“Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? I just thought you might like it. So Merry Christmas… or whatever.” 

Two years ago, she never would have come to a Holly holiday by her own volition ( much less one year ago -- but that was another story entirely ). Her lack of a bone to pick with Donny did not make up for the big bone she had to pick with Danny, and her loyalties had drifted. It wouldn’t have been worth going to just because the rest of ‘the Gang’ was there. Among the other folks there? The H.A.H. pricks, acquaintances she’d prefer not to run into again, possibly even her mother by virtue of being Cherry’s own discount Tammy Faye !  But she was there. Out of her element, questioning why the hell she was there in the first place -- knowing all it took was a few steps to leave. Maybe the reason she had yet to leave was the idea behind the twelve-step program ( ...that she only stayed for step one of, and even then - )... maybe something was going to happen and, somehow, her feet knew before her mind did... maybe it was just gravitational pull, prompted by the powerful force of guilt. What had Christmas been like last year? She wouldn’t be able to tell you! Then -- oh, of any of the H.A.H-allied faces she could catch sight of, the best option of the many appeared. - She was fickle, that much could not be argued against. She was hot and cold, that much could not be argued against... But hadn’t Alice been just as unreliable ? Hell, the ‘improvements’ she had made were basically improvements to get her to the point of ‘able to function’! -- she still was ! ) - And though she was hot and cold, perfectly unpredictable, the gift pressed into Alice’s hands was a sign of hot. A hot night. A good night.  “You mean you don’t want me to go bang a champagne flute and use the attention to make an announcement that you got me a present? -- Y’know, I’m glad you told me -- I was totally gearing up to do it.” All jokes aside, it was quite the kind gesture! And Alice decided that it was only right -- that it was only right she try to pay it forward by not completely messing up the wrapping paper and going right down the seams (is that what you’d call them?) while unwrapping. “No Exit,” she read, nodding as a genuine smile grew. Even if it was about three people who were stuck in Hell, forced to be each others’ tormentors, it was still hard to deny that there was something heartwarming about it. She had sprung to Elaine’s mind when she saw it -- and Elaine had taken enough time to wrap it, at that. Meanwhile, Alice? ...At least she was there! Could she pretend her presence was gift enough? She was alive! “Thank you, Elaine. This is-” - perfect would be too intense, cool would be too casual, awesome would be too gnarly - “ - amazing.” That seemed fair game ! “Would you believe me if I told you that your gift is in my car?” -- A total lie. If Elaine said she actually would? Damn, Alice would either have to tell the truth (and the whole self-deprecating joke lied in it not being true!) or give her, like... a water bottle. 

#interactions ! #interactions || elaine ! #interactions || elaine 1 ! #......SO ACKNOWLEDGING ELAINE HAPPENS IN PARAGRAPH THREE. #im basically writing 'ESTABLISHING SHOT:' at this point #cosmetic surgery!

[alicealder]

WARNING: A LOT ABOUT HER BACKSTORY HAS CHANGED. in the absence of candy girl and dead!lux, i had to find a new way to fuck her life up. it’s what she deserves. 

QUICK STATS !

FULL NAME: Alina Alessia Aldi Alice Audrey Alder NICKNAMES: Al, Ali DOB: September 17th, 1965 ZODIAC BIG THREE: Virgo sun, Pisces moon, Libra rising GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cis woman & she/her SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Home of sexual EDUCATION: High-school diploma ; one year of college ENNEAGRAM: 2w3 MBTI: ENFJ TEMPERAMENT: Sanguine-Melancholic MORAL ALIGNMENT: True Neutral JOB: History Museum Receptionist ( ex-MILF Kamilla... omg ) MAJOR: Philosophy

BACKSTORY !

triggers: brief mention of homophobia, idk televangelist mom sucks but i do not believe i wrote anything trigger-worthy, DRUGS. EVEN MORE SO THAN LAST TIME., very briefly implied sex work, implied OD

UPDATE: give me a sec to figure out how her aunt came into the picture when she was also in Sicily... give me a sec... but everything still remains!

Annabelle Alder has always preceded herself. With numbers to rival Tammy Faye Bakker’s, you don’t have to care about televangelism to have heard of her anyway. And what an honor it is! That the Georgia-based televangelist would choose Cherry to broadcast! Oh, California was a much better place for it, yes yes... But L.A. is so fast-paced!

-- Of course, she was not actually Georgia-based. Coming from Italy to leave a relationship that will be briefly described below -- and to start her career! -- she legally changed her name and Alice’s name to something more... American. 

ANYWAY, much like every good televangelist, Alessandra Aldi’s scandals were prompted only by her words... save for how her child, Alice, came to be. She would tell reporters that her father succumbed to a long, difficult illness; she would tell those in her social circle that he left the two high and dry. She would tell no one -- yes, it would take great sleuthing -- the truth: Alice had been the result of a short-lived toxic relationship that she left. No marriage!

'Not knowing’ would become a constant in Alice’s life -- and that would lead to several poor decisions. The lies Annabelle Alder spouted did nothing to help the health of the household. What separated truth from fiction? At a point, Alice didn’t know if even Anne knew. She would bring it home, these rantings and ravings, and the confusion and stress would grow. Two women in a household ruled by one thing they would always share: not knowing.

Alice, however, managed to entertain many a friendship. To compare herself in those days to what she became, she was all but a Mary Sue! Sociable, smart, loyal... if a bit clingy to some of them (see: Lux Lewis... basically her very own Needy Lesnicki) -- she was a good kid. She followed her mother’s teachings, as blurred as they were with what she would say at home (God loves everyone, God hates everyone; put your trust in God, put your fear in God), and came to develop that open-minded Tammy Faye spin. 

She and Lux had always been close, but they managed to grow closer... or, perhaps, close -- in a different way. For nearly two years, they would rendezvous -- use the darkness to cloak a different type of love. 

For her standing’s sake, Alice accepted the term that Lux would continue to date boys... though there always seemed to be a feel for air quotes surrounding the word ‘date.’ Anyway, y’all know this story.

Things ended only when Lux could no longer take discount Tammy Faye’s rantings and ravings. And maybe Alice’s simping was a factor too, but mainly discount Tammy Faye. They broke it off... but with a smile.

-- A fake smile, apparently. The Wonderland Ball saw Alice being bullied like Pennywise in It: Chapter Two. Lux’s side crew of friends going after everything from her simping to her sexuality (because these are NPCs in a backstory that takes place in the ‘80s...) to her mother’s career to her accent -- so on and so forth. Everything that could be touched on was touched on!

It was all enough to prompt Alice to distance herself. From her mother, from Lux, and, inadvertently, from the Gang... Not enough for her to say she didn’t consider the Gang her friends anymore, but enough for her to seek out a new social circle. People who really didn’t give a fuck. The slackers! The metal heads! Not her normal speed, but they were nice...

Her mother had not noticed the change in their... closeness up until Alice’s grades slipped... from an A+ in math to an A! Omg! Less than perfect, ring the alarms!

And what poor timing, too! It was just as the rumor that Lux was a lesbian was pinned on her, just as her social ousting was beginning, that they had their very first larger-than-life confrontation.

Absolute nonsense from both parties. Perfectly pointed from discount Tammy Faye, and... alright insults from Alice ( see, it was pretty much her first time being a bitch, so... ). It was so perfectly ridiculous that two things Tammy Faye Anne hurled at her were enough to drive her to her aunt: first, some homophobic bullshit. then, a comparison to her father -- her origin story!

Her aunt, Angela Alder ( known by all of her past rockstar affairs as “Indigo” -- save for Mick Jagger, so she would say... claim that he and Keith Richards wrote ‘Angie’ about her ), had settled in Cherry so few years ago after her life of wandering was over with. Partly to continue her life in California, partly to totally oppose her sister’s energy. And she was happy to take Alice in! At first! But we’ll get to that!

After this, Alice figured... ‘fuck it! hey, slackers, I’ll join your world!’ It seemed slow at first, but the taste of freedom? Before she knew it, she was properly in the ‘80s! She had snorted her first line of cocaine! Wow, how had she not already tried that? Absolutely insane! So fun!

Despite the latter half of the school year being rather tumultuous -- socially, familial, and now health -- she still managed to graduate with high marks. Most of it was certainly credit to the former half bleeding over, but...

Now that she was on her way to CCU, why spend time preparing for it? It had been easy as fuck to get into -- why waste that summer? Her aunt offered her a part-time summer job at the Cineplex, so of course she agreed! There were so many reasons she needed that! Like, first and foremost, she needed money. Second, she got to be a nepo baby! Third, it would certainly help her fuel her habit... but we’ll get to that.

Before we get to that, July of ‘84 marked the true beginning of her descent. A night with some guy (no, not like that), there was a fatal mix-up. What she snorted was, decidedly, not cocaine.

*’Carmen’ MV vc*: How does meth change our brains?

It was intense. It was euphoric. It was long. And it drove her to take advantage of her aunt’s generosity, stealing from the register. At first, she received a slap on the hand -- she’s a nepo baby! Second strike came with a demotion that didn’t place her near the cash register... but of course she still found a way. Third strike, she was a goner.

Alright... well, the high is long as fuck -- sleep barely exists! Money can be made at night if you know the right places! Or if you walk far enough! Just head over to Grape...

Suffice it to say, Alice did not make many wise decisions that summer.

Did she still technically go to college? Yes. Was she still technically present in class? ...Sometimes. Was it completely out of character for there to be days she skipped over? Absolutely! 

Soon, she was speed-balling. Soon, she was being forced into reality by her aunt -- if she would not take recovery seriously, she had to face the consequences and... leave. Soon, she was getting even further out of touch with the Gang. Soon, she would go to her mother’s for no reason but to spar. A few literal blows later...

Maybe she really was like whoever her father was. She sure was toxic enough!

Relationships were dying out quickly. There were ebbs and flows -- days she tried to ‘be clean’ (the concept of developing meth mouth really helped...), days she gave up. And no near-death experience was doing much to deter her. After all, what was there to lose? She hated it. Oh, she hated it. She hated what she had become. But she had gotten herself into that toxic relationship and, unlike her mother, she could not just leave.

Well... you know how the story goes? Someone almost dies, finds Christ, and turns their life around? The same thing happened... the only difference being that she did not find Christ, she heard: “you are your own God.” and would later learn that such a concept was all but the thesis statement of Satanism. It was not a religion based around drinking a virgin’s blood and sacrificing a baby, as her mother had shared with the world. It wasn’t a religion at all.

But something about that message -- something about the emphasis on how a person should celebrate themself -- caused Alice to brave recovery, first steps led by Angie. 

The summer was spent tumultuously, to say the very least. Recovery was a bitch, and going back was so damn easy! But... she found a band-aid solution. She still craved the sweet release of death, but a little less! 

Although still awful, a combination of lower dose addy and oxy? ...At least it isn’t meth and heroin?

Anyway, the job that had opened up at the museum ( with past-MILF Kamilla who May does still simp for ) was about the only one she found that: 1) looked even remotely interesting, and 2) ...accepted her. 

Rolling the boulder up that hill, her presence... if nothing else, exists. During torture sessions by the LDB, she wouldn’t be completely out of it! Wow! But improvements are to be made... The eagle must soar again!

And is May nice enough to do that or is she gonna fuck things up again? As my favorite show, ‘Hollywoo Stars and Celebs: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!’ would say: Let’s find out!

TL ; DR!

DRUGS TW. IMPLIED OD TW. Alice’s mom is a discount Italian Tammy Faye who fr moved to America and changed their names for no reason other than making them more American. Preceding her career, she was in a relationship with some toxic dude who got her knocked up and she ran off. Lies to everyone and says Alice’s father died/left them. Alice must be perfect. Alice gets in her relationship with Lux, homophobic Tammy Faye’s rantings and ravings drive Lux away. Alice deflates, a la Pennywise, at the Wonderland Dance when Lux’s friends are absolute bitches to her. Distances herself from Lux and mom, but not the Gang yet. Hangs out with some slacker metalheads. Rumor getting pinned on her that ousts her from the social world turns her completely to the slackers and she says ‘cocaine cocaine cocaine!’ Big Earth-shattering fight w mom, leaves and lives with aunt who was a groupie. Accidentally tries meth one night and gets hooked. Starts speed-balling it with heroin. Steals from her aunt’s cash register. Her aunt eventually has enough of her not taking recovery into consideration and Alice is audi. Alexa play ‘Carmen’ by Lana Del Rey. Somehow passes school. Friendships are dying and she hates herself but the drugs... Has close calls. Does nothing. Has one close call and she managed to find Satanism through it (see: the philosophy). Satanic Panic + mom had her under the assumption that Satanists sacrificed babies, but nah, it’s just ‘be your own god.’ Goes through recovery which is a bitch. Doesn’t fully work though. Off heroin + meth, but her band-aid solution is oxy + addy. Speedball Lite™. Trying to function now. Trying to rebuild shit. The end!

HEADCANONS !

Possesses dual citizenship in the United States and Italy. And, on that note? Fluent in Italian (namely Sicilian) and English.

( DRUGS TW ) ...Please don’t ask me how she didn’t get Meth Mouth after almost a year when some people get it after like a month... it just scares me... I’m too obsessed with keeping my teeth clean... Suspension of disbelief? Dentures? You choose! She did have that slight aging side effect, but it’s been. going down, to say the last. ( Lmao we can say there was some hair loss though -- no full bald spots or anything, but you get it! Same with skin -- nothing drastic, but you get it! Mainly because there’s this thing called an FC- ) ( END DRUGS TW ) Yes, the only full one being portrayed by her FC is the premature aging.

Danzig is her favorite band, but, in a few years, she’ll be saying that the man himself can fuck right off. 

Also a Billy Idol bitch. Also a Pantera bitch. You know, just the vibes.

TOOOOOOTTTTALLLLLLL PINK FLOYD BITCH!!! hates that Roger left the band he was the last great mind!

The Final Cut was released only two years ago in this timeline omg do you know how exciting that is for me, another Pink Floyd bitch who has seen Roger twice in concert?

I mean, very few people say they’re a Satanist, and even fewer people said it during the Satanic Panic since all it took was an accusation to get you imprisoned for decades, but ‘close’ friends... they might not know know, but they know. That was the reason she selected Philosophy as her major, after all!

Grades during her Freshman year at CCU sucked -- something that has never happened before! But what else would you expect? That said, she is trying to get back into the habit of being a decent student... but that’s easier said than done, especially in her. state.

( DRUGS TW ) It was pretty hard to hide her hardcore speed-balling -- even if she didn’t have meth mouth, there was the jonesing! -- but it’s more of an open secret that she’s switched to... soft speed-balling. Two steps backwards, one step forward.( END DRUGS TW )

( MENTAL ILLNESS MENTION TW ) Oh, btw, her family totally runs rampant with mental illness. There’s definitely a reason Annabelle has no clue what the fuck she’s talking about half the time. Then there’s the father she doesn’t know, but was definitely an addict with some violent tendencies. Angie is the sanest one, and she was a groupie! ( MENTAL ILLNESS MENTION TW )

After abusing such highly addictive drugs for as long as she did, there have been some long-term psychological effects. I mean, brain damage is a legit thing! But I added this here at 4:00am so I’ll expand tomorrow.

If Lana Del Rey existed in the ‘80s? She’d love that bitch. Methamphetamines... pink flamingo... blue ‘50s queen... blue oyster cove... So true of her!

Living arrangement is being sorted out, as was her previous living arrangement when she was briefly not allowed to live under Angie’s roof in the hopes of a wakeup call ( that just backfired ). In any case? Using taking care of a cactus to hold herself accountable for something.

Has a light Italian lilt from spending early years of her childhood in Sicily + living under her Sicilian mother’s roof for so long. Of course, discount Tammy Faye was good at putting on an American accent during broadcasts, but it got exhausting at home.

Oh lmao I put this as part of the questions/answers we sent to Em and I think it’s so funny: January definitely had a rumor that she was sleeping with the Nightstalker.

Alice will probably never know her father, but his FC? ...Danny Devito. 

There are three different links in the following sentence: This was Alice.

More to come as I navigate this brave new world...!

NEW CONNECTION IDEAS !

ACCOUNTABILITY BUDDY ! She’s not sober -- not even close -- but she’s functioning. And functioning means getting back to the responsibilities she once had... such as being a decent student and getting to work on time. This person is that to her... a tutor, more or less, as her brain gets its cells back -- and someone who reminds her to set a damn alarm and to actually get out of bed when she hears the damn alarm and- (And, I mean, this is also completely legit considering brain damage is involved...)

ABSOLUTE THROES ! Kinda left a lot of stuff for the Gang out when I started going into her worsening addiction for a reason -- to plot what was happening with everyone at that point. Anyway, would love for someone to have seen her in the absolute throes and been like ‘damn this is getting more fucked up than 1998/9 -- oh, what’s ‘99?’

AND SHE. FUCKED. GREG ! MAY WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CONNECTION ! ( sex work tw ) Anyone who has a parent or parental figure who’s... sleazy, to say the least? Who might go to Grape every now and again? Who might solicit the services of an 18-19 (?) y/o looking for a way to get money for her next fix? (Despite her sexuality, she would not have turned a man down.) ...Alice isn’t proud of it!

MORE TO COME ! those were fr just the first that came to mind...

#cusaintro

[alicealder]

#musings ! #fr!