#and the trans thing has only made it worse w her

[shitouttabuck]

my mother is like i don’t care if you have a healthy relationship with food and your body i will still do my darnedest best to try and give you an eating disorder by commenting on your food intake when you do eat but also commenting on your food intake when you DONT eat because oops you are so anxious to eat in front of your parents now you simply lose your appetite when you have to have a meal with them

#ed cw #this is. ridiculous i don’t know what her problem is #actually i do it’s that she is and always has been this petite woman and i have always been big and unlike her in every way physically #and the trans thing has only made it worse w her #i feel insane sometimes like i Need to move out so badly #n #to be clear: i have a very healthy relationship with food and even my body since top surgery. it’s just that she keeps commenting on both #in a negative way. and man even the healthiest mindset and knowing she is wrong objectively doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like shit

[oceanxveiined]

 Genshin Verse Side Muses:

*Mentions of abuse, dysfunctional families, manipulation, torture, violence, experimentation, ableism, transphobia, and death, not necessarily all present/to various extents depending on each bio, ahead.

1) Chang Da’Lun (500+/appears 23): Half-Adeptus, born some time before the Cataclysm. He can shift into a smaller birdlike form at will, though it does take a bit out of him to switch back. It doesn’t stop him from shifting into it on his own or a friend's whim though.

          His father was a Yaksha named Wuye, alias Caligo, who had inevitably become consumed by his karmic debt and became more akin to a malevolent demon. Though admittedly, the adeptus had already possessed quite the cruel streak, even long before he’d fallen. Being driven mad by the karmic debt meant his slaughters turned to fellow adepti and humans alike, which had also grown to be far more frequent and brutal. Each consumed opponent led his power to grow as he’d absorb their vitality and any abilities they possessed.

          By contrast Da’lun’s mother, Anhe, had been fully human, having been with a group of treasure hunters who’d taken her from her family in ransom when they’d strayed too close to the maddened Yaksha’s territory. When they had realized and tried to sneak away, she risked her life to draw Wuye out and betrayed them all in a desperate bid for freedom and power. She offered them all to be slaughtered and devoured by the corrupted Yaksha, as well as to offered to lure more to satisfy his bloodlust for incentive to make him spare her own life. She even offered to be his consort as well, to let herself be used by him as he saw fit, sparing no expense to give anything and everything she could to ensure she survived this encounter. He conceded out of convenience, taking her as promised and continuing his slaughters about Wuwang Hill with her aid.

          Anhe delighted in having his favor, even with how terrified of him she’d been at first, growing more and more sadistic herself with every massacred he’d rend, every death scream that filled her ears while she remained unscathed. The thrill of power and having a mate so powerful to keep it was too alluring and far too intoxicating, she would never dream of ever parting from him.

         Only for her to end up alone and powerless anyway when the former Yaksha was killed shortly after the birth of Da’Lun.

         Much of his childhood had been Anhe relentlessly tormenting him, using him as a scapegoat for how her life had fallen apart and due to having been affected by his father’s karmic debt as well ( both in her continued presence alongside him up until that point and in stubbornly lingering at his lair where the miasma was all concentrated rather than returning home with him gone ). Da’Lun took the abuse without protest, wholeheartedly believing her and his own guilt. He spent his whole life striving to ‘make up’ for his existence, in bringing her gifts and attempting to make her life easier every way he could. To protect and provide for her as his father had intended.

         It all came to a crashing stop when his mother at last succumbed to the cursed energy infesting their home. Or so he tells himself and anyone who ponders of her fate, not wanting to admit he himself had killed and devoured her. It had been when she’d tried to end his life first and the resulting corruption of them both had his adeptal nature spiraling out of control during the struggle. His Electro Vision had been what had ultimately murdered her, bestowed upon him during his struggle as she denounced and cursed him, which he hadn’t realized until the morning after.

         Plagued with guilt and fear, and knowing he must have taken on her share of the karmic debt's influence, his father's ability considered, he traveled Teyvat to distance himself from his former home for a few years. For 500 years, he witnessed beauty and horrors alike throughout it all, before he decided to settle some time in Sumeru. His main aim had been to learn all he could on humans and their histories ( learning from each Darshan over the course of the centuries he’d spent there, changing his appearance every time he’d reapply ), as well as to pass the time in a way that would not aggravate lingering traces of his father’s influence. It was while he learnt from the Amurta Darshan when he met Danae. With time to spare, and admittedly intrigued by the utter madness of her ideas and her equally frenzied determination to see such impossible fantasies made reality, he signed a contract to assist her in any endeavors she may undertake for them, as she would his own, per its terms. They would maintain it dedicatedly before briefly parting ways when her illicit studies were discovered.

         He himself remained at the Akademiya mere weeks before deciding his life had dulled too much without her odd ideas and eccentric ( not to mention at times exceedingly cruel ) methods, setting off to travel again in search of her. Traveling through his homeland, he would come to meet Ozzy, whom he would follow to Mondstadt, after he’d found him interesting company, especially when the man would encourage him to not feel so wary of the karmic debt’s influence. There, he would become a founding member of his gang when it resulted that the man’s interest had been likewise piqued and thus given him the invitation to stay.

          Ozzy was able to locate and drag Danae into his business thanks to Da’Lun’s scheming and using the terms of their contract to rope her in.

         What could he say? He would be a fool to let one of his favorite pieces go. Just as he would the chance to see what would come out of putting so many volatile little components together.

           Surely the end result would be most spectacular indeed.

Oswald “Ozzy” Beauregard / Ásvaldr Bjornsson (appears early 20s): One of the remaining survivors of Khaenri’ah, though he keeps that card very close to his chest. Only Da’Lun is actually aware of said fact, due to their shared longevity and closer bond compared to many of the others. If asked of his origin, he will always give the half-truth that he is of the Sumeru region.

         Stricken with immortality, Ozzy tends to push the limits of what said immortality will do for him, especially since his perception of pain and danger has been skewed severely by his curse. For the longest time, he had wandered about the desert and Sumeru’s forests, picking fight after fight using the very Abyssal energies he’d been corrupted with. Even with no formal combat training outside teachings he learnt as apprentice mage, his frenzied manner tended to allow him to prove a match for the hilichurls, Eremites, and Treasure Hoarders he encountered, leaving brutalized corpses and wreckages in his wake, and plenty a scar to mar his own body. Some of which healed worse off than others due to his inability and lack of real want to properly care for himself. Eventually, he would be found and formally taken in by the Fatui when he had too grievously injured to fight them off.

Not that he would have wanted to even if he could, considering how much they piqued his interest.

        He had been with them long before Danae had joined, having willingly surrendered himself to be experimented on by Dottore out of boredom and curiosity to see what the man could get out of it. As well as a vain hope to possibly stave off his Erosion and keep his mind with the Abyssal energies eating away at it. Needless to say, Ozzy’s sanity still had taken quite the toll throughout the centuries he’s been alive, and the outright torture he faced through the time he’d been with them had truly not helped in the least. Especially not while being injected with god remains steadily twisted up his mind, more and more. The Abyssal energy he’d already been afflicted with had ironically been what helped keep himself through it though, allowing him to fully assimilate the god’s lingering energy into himself and steady his condition.

         When Danae had decided to desert the Fatui, she broke Ozzy out from containment and left him an experimental Delusion to have him serve as a diversion so she could escape, figuring he would have some exploitable grudge that would prompt him to seek vengeance. And he served his purpose well, slaughtering Fatuus after Fatuus he encountered with the three tail-like, bladed chains he could manifest from it. He did so with great delight and utmost zeal, damn near like an animal in frenzy. But in truth, he really cared not for getting even. He rather merely wanted enrichment, as he called it.

         While Danae had figured the Delusion would simply kill him in the end, his own longevity and the god remains he’d assimilated allowed him to use the Delusion so freely without truly permanent consequences, though still at certain cost to his body after particularly prolonged usage. It severely aggravates the place with the god remains had been injected, low at his right side where the Abyssal energy was at its highest concentration. Due to it also being the place of his most severe wound and one of the ones that truly never healed properly, it leaves him feeling as though something had been gouged right out every time he’d stop its use. Still, in the moment of that first use, all he could think of was the thrill of the fighting and being able to run about, free at last. To this day, that very thrill is what keeps him using it, even knowing the painful consequences.

         The euphoric high he felt back then lead him to completely destroy the location all together, both in his own kills and in tampering the delicate machinery that would consume the rest of the location along with it in the ensuing explosions. He himself made his getaway before the destruction caught him up along with everything else, after finding and bringing along a fellow victim ( not that he consciously saw himself as such ) of the Fatui experiments.

         After hearing tales of Monstadt, her homeland, the idea of a nation whose Archon had no real say in its ruling appealed to him greatly, Thus, he would hijack and man a Fatui ship to gain leave off Inazuma, heading to the Southern side of Liyue, and making their journey back to Mond that way.

         Ozzy’s aim in making the gang had solely been to collect interesting people to surround himself with, nothing more nothing less. Something to help stave off ennui and keep his mind sharp; a little pet project he could maintain or ruin at his leisure when the time came. It only became a formal organization incidentally, but he finds it a decent pastime to run it and especially the business he and Da’Lun came up with as a front.

          Due to past experiences, he has a mild to severely violent visceral reaction to fire based abilities; which is only worsened by his love of deliberately avoiding triggering his own phobia and habit of gambling with extreme stakes, typically involving fire in some way.

         What sort of gambling man would he be if he let something like that stop him, after all?

Elisabeth “Eliza” Merrimack (18) - A Mondsadt-born girl whose family lineage traces back to the Imunlaukr clan, after the clan had broken up due to a schism. Originally Visionless, she would gain a Dendro Vision ( chronologically set late in the events of the Sumeru Archon Quest ) and take up Catalyst-based combat.

         The eldest daughter of her main family at the time, she had a horse riding accident in her youth that left her paraplegic, exhibiting little to no movement in her legs even after treatment at the church. The fact that it had taken them some time to get her there, seeing as she had been lost for days, was probably behind it. Regardless, her family despaired at the incident, frantically trying everything they could to heal her, even as the church insisted nothing could be done. Even as she herself tried to reason it was alright; that she didn't need to be, having accepted their verdict when her family could not. And they never truly did.

         When she was fifteen, the Merrimacks ultimately accepted an offer from the Fatui to aid them ( though in hindsight, Eliza couldn’t but wonder if it had been seen as an excuse to have them take her off their hands ), and carted her off far from home. Betrayed at her family giving her away so easily, especially after she realized they would not check up on her or visit, Eliza at last fell into despair after seeing what awaited her at the hands of the Fatui. Her parents had been lied to, after all–Eliza had not been taken in to receive care, instead becoming subjected to experiments with god remains like every other subject they got their hands on.

          And no one would be aware of that to come save her. Assuming they would even care to try if they did.

         Things began to change years later after meeting Danae, who was assigned to oversee her. To be precise, Danae had at first been in charge of her post-op treatments, ensuring the effects of the experiments didn’t disrupt her vitals and in keeping her alive overall. They began to know more of each other and interact after the then Fatuus had been promoted and would have her as an exclusive subject, due to her ideas and personal project.

          Even with how callous Danae could be, she and Eliza eventually came to get along well due to Eliza coming to understand Danae’s wordless gestures and tough-love care after the former had begun to get attached to Eliza. Said care usually being in the form of snuck treats and material comforts. It wasn’t until later on in their friendship that Eliza learned it had been because she reminded Danae of her younger brother, that she had specifically requested to oversee her treatments because she wanted to help her like she'd intended to help him. Learning why and how she intended to do that did embitter Eliza rather than endear her though.

That said, they truly became each other’s first real friend and confidante after Eliza had been–even if gruffly–encouraged by Danae to start speaking up for herself and the first thing Eliza did was tell her off for thinking she ought to ‘fix’ her and any other person, for that matter. It had been a gut reaction based on Eliza’s own resentment of how her family regarded her as well as the god remains in her acting up due to her agitation.

         Still, even while the burst of temper had startled Eliza, it had been enough for Danae to not only respect the girl, but also to begin to doubt her own goals. Most notably, it was enough to prompt the Fatuus to pick up her old ideas anew rather than continuing the original experiment plan she’d had altogether, choosing to help make amends in fashioning Eliza a special wheelchair to take her out for enrichment. Not that Danae would ever admit that’s what it had been for, even in present day, but Eliza understood all the same.

            The day Danae broke out, she had actively tried to reach Eliza to bring her along, but was unable to in the chaos she’d wrought and severely underestimated. Thinking her dead, she prioritized her own survival and left without a second thought.

           Eliza hadn’t realized she’d been abandoned once again, rather had been merely confused by the happening and chaos around her. She patiently awaited Danae to come, trusting the Fatuus to soon fill her in and protect her if need be. Instead, it was the newly freed Ozzy who had found Eliza and offered to bring her along after having slaughtered her guards and hearing her request to see the stars outside before he ‘put her out of her misery’ had moved him.

          And especially because she then tried to cut his throat the instant he got close enough to carry her.

          After convincing her he did want to bring her along, not kill her, she at last conceded and let him take her away from the wreckage of the lab. Eliza's tales of her home nation had been the reason Ozzy had chosen to settle there, and she was more than happy to return with him, though flares ups of the god remains in her did pose some problems both were unsure of how to handle. Not that he trusted anyone in Teyvat to be able to take care of her as they should, especially considering how she’d ended up in the Fatui’s hands in the first place.

         Still, she is grateful he took it upon himself to allow her to stay by his side as his ward, even while she couldn’t offer him much in return in terms of fighting skill, money, or knowledge besides that of her home. When he founded his gang, she did find purpose in aiding with the logistics aspect of running the front for his gang, using the learnings of her youth. Without her, it would have fallen apart from the start, Ozzy would always say, leaving her giddy with excitement and her heart full. After finding and enacting a solution to quell the god remains in her ( taken place post-Sumeru archon quest, story-wise ), she would start taking a more active role in the gang as aid to their resident healer. In addition, her wheelchair would be adapted for combat, to suit her needs and her Vision’s abilities.

          She is well aware that elemental concentrations worsen her flare ups, but she still constantly insists upon staying with everyone else in the gang and utilizing a soothing device relying on Elemental energy anyways. She’d rather spend it in comfort and with her friends, even the lot of them encourage her to when she frets what could come out of it. Once the traces of god remains in her would be sealed off enough, she is able to head out with them with her wheelchair from that point on, as well as set at ease her fears of hurting them. She still feels chronic flares up of pain due to her affliction, but with less risk of it going out of control, she can bear it a lot easier.

          After all she’d been through, this was nothing. Nothing, in the face of being able to smile and delight in her life to the fullest once more.

Tyonna Durene (19): Hailing from Natlan, Durene is essentially a demigodess, born from the union of a mortal man, Jevaun, and minor goddess Oloku, whom he had ensnared with a talisman along with several of his friends and fellow warriors when her tempests had threatened their home village.

          Bound to human form, Oloku had been content in their union at first when the man had been kinder to her than the others, up until her husband began to get exceedingly paranoid and possessive of her following being imbued with several of her blessings. She began to grow miserable, cursing Jevaun and unable to do much to fight him as her powers had become considerably weaker, especially after Durene’s birth. And it didn’t help that it was especially so because the man kept her away from the sea, an important source of vitality for her. Still the goddess did not fault her daughter upon her birth, teaching Durene the ways to be a soothsayer and healer so she could properly go through the initiation process and her actual training in the village once she was of the apt age.

          Durene took to her learnings quite well, eager at the thought of being able to contribute to village this way. She particularly excelled in serving as an herbalist and healer, though she did work hard to improve her skills when it came to divination to impress her mother. It always did seem to put Oloku in a far better mood whenever she did, as well as when she would listen to her mother’s tales of gods and places she’d been, of her life prior to being confined to mortal form. Of their Archon, and her great deeds. More than anything, she loved singing for her mother, songs she learned from her and the others in the village, seeing how her voice seemed to bring the goddess some semblance of solace, when she felt her weakest.

         At twelve years old, Durene learned the full story of her mother’s plight. Horrified and moved, she would elect to repay her mother all she’s taught her in concocting a clever plan to gleam out from her drunken father the location of each piece of the talisman needed to complete the needed ritual and free the goddess. With this knowledge, Durene was able to find and bring them to her mother, who would aid her in completing the necessary steps. As her bonds would break and her strength returned, Oloku lamented being unable to take her child with her. Promising to return with a means to ascend her as soon as she could, the goddess would transform into a pillar hundreds of crabs that would scatter into the sea and leave Durene standing alone at the outcropping. Bittersweet and all-too brief as their parting was, she felt content in knowing her mother would be happy at last.

          The good mood would not last long, as Jevaun flew into a deadly rage in realizing what had happened when he awoke to the sounds of a howling sea storm after she returned home.

          His rage did not frighten her, even as he demanded answers. Did the she not care about their village? Of what the goddess would do to them, now that she was free? Of why she’d been confined to mortality in the first place?

Durene truly cared not, insisting Oloku had borne and suffered enough under his suffocating hold. If they were all to be destroyed in her vengeful wrath, it was for the slight they’d done against her, and thus truly fair.

          Her answers would brand her a traitor in the eyes of her father and, to his claims, their people. To ensure the goddess wouldn’t completely destroy them, he locked Durene away and made sure the goddess could never find her, and no one would in turn ever think to help free her.

          She couldn’t say how much time had passed since he’d left her there. Days went by languishing in her prison, in the presence of no one else but her father, whenever he would stop by to bring her food. If her refusal to concede to his pleas to betray her mother and attempts to break out didn’t enrage him enough to leave her to her own devices the next few, that was. It wasn’t until she’d exhausted every attempt at escaping that Durene formulated a plan to escape.

          The next time Jevaun came to see her, he found his daughter seemingly unresponsive. The man freed her from her bonds and frantically attempted to wake her, only to find his daughter conscious after all, taking advantage of his closeness to grab hold of him. The man was only able to catch a brief glimpse of her newly bequeathed Anemo Vision mere moments before she would sap the breath from his lungs. Her face twisted in every trace of hatred and resentment she felt towards him was the last thing he’d ever see as he would succumb. Durene would hold no remorse for her actions, even as the village people would come to find her and try to seize her in retaliation.

          Escaping their clutches and leaving them to the mercy of her mother’s wrath, Durene would take to travel about Teyvat as a wandering soothsayer, making a pretty coin on divination and healing. Truly, that whole time she had been seeking a way she may ascend to join her mother, sparing no expense wherever she may go. She'd even forged a binding vow for herself, giving up her tongue, and thus ability to speak in exchange for power. Through her journey, she fostered a particular resentment born in her in Sumeru and the way the Akademiya had gone about managing knowledge at the time ( the reason for having rejected entry for her, thinking her to be of the desert folk ). Which lead to her resolving to ensure that place would be the first she may pay a visit to once she reached her goal, to tear it asunder for the offense, seeing as its god would surely not be able to match her when the time came.

          It was in being found by Ozzy in Liyue and being requested to come with him, Eliza, and Da'Lun along the way that she came to have company once more. The final founding member of his gang, she would happily settle in Mond with them. But by no means does this mean she had given up on her goal. With Da'Lun and his influence, as well as the addition of Danae later on, Durene would find use in the team’s members to further seek the information she required for her own ultimate goal. Who knew, perhaps she would just need to be a little more patient, just a little bit longer.

           Well, fine by her. That, she had plenty practice in.

Jaeda Purmizra (18): The daughter of an affluent family in Sumeru and the most recent addition to Ozzy’s gang. She joined them after running away from home and continuously hitching rides on caravans then later merchant ships that guided her to Mondstadt, where she’d been caught stealing from Ozzy’s tavern. Danae had nearly left her bound and at the complete mercy of Treasure Hoarders as punishment, had Eliza not intervened and personally pleaded her case to Ozzy. He accepted only because he knew it would piss off Danae in the process, and because he was intrigued by her Vision in particular,

          Born male and then named Jahar, she had been the family’s sole heir and was raised into the role accordingly ( read: impossibly strict ) by her mother. It was thanks to a young servant girl who tended to her every need that she even began to experiment with and realized her actual gender identity. All because the girl had wanted to play dress up and needed a friend to help her, not realizing all the decorum she was breaking in daring to ask the heir, of all people, such a thing.

          It had been quite the relief in realizing it, though, even when she hadn’t been actively searching for it. But to her, it meant everything from then on. And it meant despair, as she continued to masquerade as her mother’s precious only son and heir. She didn’t want to upset her mother, after all, especially since the woman banked so much of her bid for power as head of the family upon her. So she kept that her little secret, playing with the girl and growing up happily alongside her over the years.

         Up until she and the girl had been caught playing.

         The girl had been punished severely for her ‘crime’ and Jade was forced to bear witness to the bloody ordeal for humoring her. Only after the girl was left near death did Jade face her own punishment, the horrid humiliation her mother enforced upon her before an audience of the woman’s closest friends and advisers.

          The anger she felt in seeing the life dwindling in her friend’s eyes and the cruelty she faced ignited a single-minded determination to make every last person in the room pay for her beloved friend's pain, enough to for her to black out, coming to only when her mother had screamed.

Snapping back to consciousness, Jade felt bloodcurdling horror and cathartic relief in realizing she’d burnt her mother’s lovely face beyond recognition, every other cruel person who’d participated in her torment left as naught but charred corpses in her wake. In spotting the gleaming, blood-red gem clutched tightly in her hand.

          She didn’t stay long, stealing her friend away and running away from home with an intent to bring her along. They could make a life together away from them now, she was sure of it. She had a Pyro Vision after all, she was no longer powerless to protect them!

            With the severity of the girl’s wounds though, her friend had little time left. With her last breath, the girl made her promise to live life for the both of them and to be happy. To stay safe, and never let anyone dictate how she may live her life ever again.

          That day, Jahar died along with the servant girl. In his place and bearing the name of that girl to carry on her memory, Jaeda would set off to find that happiness she’d promised.

Mako du Raie (16): A Visionless young heir to a prolific merchant family in Fontaine, and the member who had joined the Snake-Eyes gang before Danae and Tua had. His father, Benshi, had been a doushin from Inazuma and met Mako’s mother, Marie, while she learnt the trade from her father, prior to the Sakoku Decree being fully enacted. Mako is their illegitimate child, though he was claimed to be his mother’s younger brother to save face for the family. As such, he was raised primarily under the strict watch of his grandmother and even stole the title of heir to the family from Marie, due to the story they’d given him.

         He took to his studies like a fish to water, being quite bright and precocious for his age. And in his eagerness to pursue his grandmother’s approval, he went far above and beyond the efforts his mother had ever put into her own. The family agreed he was definitely a far more suitable heir than she as a result, though he avoided his mother’s jealous wrath by asking she be involved in everything he did. Like this, the woman’s temperament was appeased, her going as far as to even take credit behind his talent and boast of him to all who would meet them.

          In all honesty, he would have been content enough handing her the reins of the family, had a business venture to Mondstadt not changed his mind entirely. His mother’s boasting lead to drawing Ozzy’s attention, the man having been seeking a nice, convenient little liaison for his gang’s front. With the boy being as young as he was, not only would he be easy to exploit, but his talent and influence would absolutely prove worth the effort to draw him in, just as he'd hope.

          As such, Da'Lun would be the one to meet and gain his trust. To persuade him to join Ozzy’s gang as their merchant contact. And, to ensure Mako’s position and control over his family’s affairs, Da'Lun would even go as far as to encourage Mako to eliminate each and every family member that could possibly stand in his way of managing it all himself.

           Mako couldn’t help but give in, even with how complacent he’d been before. All it took was being given the affection and doting he always wanted, rather than praises for his potential, stolen credit, and empty words he knew better than to believe. It took one friend, who cared and spoiled him so, to make him turn his previous wishes before and pursue a more ruthless ambition without a qualm. Even as he gazed into his mother’s dulling eyes, he would only feel a strong sense of satisfaction as Da'Lun would ruffle his hair with praises aplenty before carrying him back to Ozzy’s little haunt.

           He knew full well he was to be used by Ozzy’s group, having realized it early on in Da'Lun’s attempts to worm his way into his heart. But once he’d met with the others and Ozzy himself, there was no longer a single trace of lingering doubt in his heart. Looking at the lot of them gathered to see him, all varying shades of proud of what he’d accomplished, no matter how horrific, he determined the excitement and validation that came with what they did was a lot better than living his life within conventional rules.

            Where else could he feel like he was at the top of the world like this?

Tusitala / Tua (20): Originally hailing from a coastal village in Natlan then migrating to and settling in Liyue due to his father’s relentless pursuit of riches and lack of interest in the wars that ravaged their nation, Tua had been a Treasure Hoarder well before his coming of age. He is rather proud of the fact, often boasting of his own successes compared to other factions, especially after he’s fought his way through a group of them. 

At first it had been at his father’s urging that he joined and stayed with the Treasure Hoarders they’d joined up with. It was only to serve as something to make for a side hustle while his father took care of other business dealings at first ( taking care of logistics for that gang while Tua himself got to take on the more dangerous aspects ), then it became Tua’s obsession as his own greed grew, right along his addiction for every victory and bounty he secured them.

         He was quite content with this life, thinking himself the luckiest man in the world to have this chance. Even if he did have to surrender near all of his share of the spoils to his father, to quell the man's avarice. But with what he was allowed to keep or what he squirreled away to pass off as such later, Tua would take to decorating himself handsomely to show off his successes. As such, he’s got several piercings ( many of which he did himself ) along his body, as well as bits of gold embedded in his skin, particularly about his shoulders. He also has a few tattoos to commemorate his victories and his comrades, which glow whenever he uses his Vision.

          Speaking of, his Geo Vision came to him in a show of his conviction to protect his Treasure Hoarder ‘family’ by all means and any costs. In this case, it had been in protecting them from a squadron of Milileth by the skin of his own teeth then later its aid, having chosen to cover them on his own to ensure they could make off with a particularly rich score. Because of it, he became quite popular among them, with the lot thinking he would lead them to great success and eventually become their leader.

          The thought strongly appealed to him, enough that he resolved to make it a reality. As leader, he would have a greater right to a bigger share of the spoils, and he could be independent enough to break away from his father, too. And of course, being able to protect his comrades and look after them with greater responsibility and authority. That was his greatest desire above all else, one he would swear before them during the celebration of his blessing by the Lord of Geo.

          Though he did eventually fail to keep his promise to them when a conflict with Fatui, and severely underestimating them, left his group all slaughtered or near death, himself included. With his last lingering traces of full consciousness, he lamented not being strong enough to protect them all, and expected to meet his shameful end along with them.

          However his survival had been ensured when Danae had stumbled across the massacre. Though initially focused on eliminating the injured and resting Fatui and with her own hatred of Treasure Hoarders having her near ready to ditch them all as it was, it was due to her having determined his potential usefulness upon noting his Vision that prompted her to nurse him back to health.

          Deliberately leaving all the others to their fates, as she didn’t need them.

          When Tua would ask later after awakening, she would swear they were all goners by the time she had found him. That Tua had supposedly been the only one strong enough to survive because of his Vision.

          Grief would take hold, but he wouldn’t linger on that feeling too much. Not enough for it to consume him, anyways. Not when his savior made him an offer to come with her, a suggestion to carry on in his comrades’ names and honor their memories in continuing to plunder and seek the treasures they'd so craved. Feeling both indebted to her and a thrumming need to protect someone once more now that he was without a family ( he dared not return to his father nor join up with a new Hoarder faction after such a harrowing defeat ), he would choose to follow Danae to Mondstadt.

          Along the way and upon reaching their destination, they would take up mercenary work and end up wrapped up in the group they currently associate with now, after participating in an attempt on the young head of the Snake-Eyes gang alongside others like them. Said hit actually having placed by the young head, Ozzy, himself, using it as a ploy for recruitment to test if Danae had been worth Da'Lun's recomendation to his group. Tua likewise making it out alive alongside her and having demonstrated his immense strength and capabilities had been the icing on the cake. He was more than happy to accept the offer to join after that, no need for incentives or anything.

          Well, okay, maybe the pay grade and further chances to seek riches while with them was a pretty good incentive. That, and being able to take part in a whole new gang he could protect and grow stronger with. Those who didn’t need to depend wholly on him and could defend themselves should his strength fail them. But he refused to do so again, swearing the very same oath he gave his late comrades before.

          He will protect his newfound family, with all he has. Whatever it takes.

Mason Ennosigaeus (17): Sidon’s actual biological child. He was stolen away from his family by Morjena when she had found out of his existence, snatching him during the chaos she'd set off after tricking Eremites into looting the caravan the man's wife had traveled with on her way to the main city. It was a move meant to ensure Danae had no competition to being the man’s heir, especially after the woman and her attendants had been killed in the ensuing struggle. Danae was supposed to kill Mason upon being left with him, as Morjena had thought she’d thoroughly beaten the heart out of her. When it turned out the she hadn’t and even wound up with an attachment to the boy, Mason became an opportunity for Morjena to ensure Danae stuck around.

           Mason was frequently abused by Morjena while Danae was gone and quickly came to rely on the latter for everything. Not that it necessarily meant he was entirely helpless. His weak constitution left him helpless as it was, sure, but in truth, Danae never failed to endlessly dote on him every chance she was home to see him, even going as far as to sacrifice her own meals for his sake. She would even forgo sleep to guard him against Morjena as best she could, and when she did, she would deliberately sleep in a way that if the woman pulled anything, she would be the one to take the brunt of her mother’s abrupt assaults. Every little thing he could ever want or need and THEN some was his at his command, and without hesitation. He need only ask. She couldn't offer him comforts like reassurances and gentleness, but this, this she could do for him. And he was wholly all for it, appreciating the one good thing he had amid the horrid life he was stuck in.

             Inevitably, her boundless devotion and their environment twisted him up as badly as it had her, albeit in a different way. The one who truly wound up heartless and cruel, through and through, just as Morjena was, had been him.

          He may come off as shy and unassuming but in truth, he is twice as vicious and self-serving as Danae, behind the gentle demeanor. He is the one person who can ask of her to do anything at his whim, no matter what it is, no matter how hurt she would end up in the process. And he's used that, time and again to sic her on whoever it was he so chose, be it strangers for his own amusement or even people he's realized she started to get a little too close to, in selfish need to ensure she wouldn't start giving away her loyalties. To test that she truly did mean her loyalties to him, and act accordingly if she hesitated or doubted. He still needed her to survive, after all.

          At the same time, he is also the person others could use to strongarm Danae into damn near anything if they hold him captive, as any threats to him lead her to be all to eager to comply for his safety ( though woe betide those who lose him as a bargaining chip at any point during ). He is the One and Only Thing she has left to lose, but the feeling is not mutual. It hasn’t been from the moment she’d left him at the Akademiya on his own.

          Even having been left in the lap of luxury when she'd been forced to flee, being torn from her side and the endless doting, from his greatest asset, left him stewing in a resentful rage. His bitterness and broken heart earned him a Cryo Vision amid the enraged outburst within his room, gleaming enticingly within the wreckage of her final gift to him. That Vision, however, he deemed the greatest gift of all, and one he thoroughly believes was the Tsaritsa’s personal wish to him and show of support.

         As such, as of earning his Vision, he swiftly abandoned the idea of staying at the Akademiya. Instead, he sought to join the Fatui, using his power as incentive to be kept of use to them alongside the Cicin Mages. Though he was sure to mask what he did, telling Danae he got to travel for his studies so she never suspects. So her constant stream of money and gifts from afar never end, having them brought to him by agents he roped into his whims that happened to be stationed in Sumeru.

          In learning she had also once joined the Fatui only to abruptly disappear, he never once believed her dead as many assumed her to be. Knowing her well and the lengths she would go through to survive and how much she loved her freedom, he assumed she truly ran away. Though he keeps this fact to himself. He has full intentions to help hunt her down and make her face her the full consequences for abandoning him. And the Fatui, too, of course. But if possible, he would like to be the one to bring her end himself. To look her right in the eyes as he would use his Vision to make of her a pristine statue for himself to keep.

         Maybe then she’ll actually keep her promise to never leave his side.

#hc #v; intertwined fates (genshin verse) #long post for ts #//Ok; lots of notes on this one #For Da'Lun: Ironically; staying w the gang makes the influence of his father’s karmic debt worse; esp the more he kills for em. #Working with Danae yielded the same result; he didn’t realize it then; but when Ozzy made him aware he just #tends to conveniently Ignore that fact; thus he’s become more tempered and sadistic than he was before meeting her. #Absolutely Not making him a ticking timebomb at the rate things are going; No Sir. Luckily; Durene’s there to keep him balanced. Sometimes. #For Oz: If it's not clear; Oz’s Delusion weapon is basically akin to a xenomorph tail kjfnkfjg. Bc YES. #He scarcely uses the Abyssal abilities he has after getting his Delusion. Considers the thing a lil' gift from one of his favorite allies. #Only uses those powers in Emergencies; esp bc he doesn't want to reveal his heritage. Not out of real secrecy or anything. #Bc he wants to wait for the right TIME to drop it on his gang. Like the dramatic bastard he is. #To clarify for Eliza; she really had been baiting Ozzy to get him close to defend herself; not actually resigned to die. #That aside; I like to think her wheelchair post-Vision resembles comes to resemble like #The sealchairs in Witch Hat Atelier. Has one that looks & works like a regular one; then uses the sealchair-like one for missions. #Deffo uses her Vision to move about without help once she gets it; not too frequently bc it does take energy to manifest the vines and such #But being able to do so makes her happy even still. In regards to Durene: #She is their BACKBONE. They would all fall apart or Mcfreakin’ DIE without her around. Is also v fed up with them all & v fond all at once. #When she ascends; she has no idea if she’d rather smite or bless them; when all’s said and done. She'll figure that out then. #For Jade; None of the group know she is trans except for Durene/Danae; both due to accidents. Durene bc Jade accidentally hurt herself and #needed the treatment; Dani due to Jade accidentally admitting it over misunderstanding. Both keep it a secret; which she is v grateful #Aight; Mako time: He’s the youngest yet that makes him no less unhinged than the others; Jade learned that the hard way #Has an unrequited crush on Da'Lun but isn’t fazed about it bc the guy still spoils & indulges his every whim when he gets the chance anyway #He’s usually w them; leaving the family business to be run by two of Oz’s associates. Keeps frequent contact to ensure it doesn’t go under. #Occasionally travels back to deal w things. Like getting tickets to a certain magic show in Fontaine when they all decide to visit. #//Extra Tua notes; he was briefly infatuated with Danae after they began traveling together & she Definitely used that to her advantage. #After getting to know her & the kind of person she truly is; it’s since died down & he even has become more wary of her intentions. #Notably; he is right up there with Eliza & Durene as the group's sweetheart. Even w his avarice; he truly cares & is kind to them. #Mason. Oh boy Mason. He essentially is a Cryo Cicin Mage. Genuinely chose it bc it was easier to move about; being one #Dani wouldn't be Aware of him until around Fontaine. The resulting fallout will Not be pretty. The lad would make Sure of it

[possibilistfanfiction]

What are your domestic headcanons for Bea and Ava in your surgeons AU? And how did Ava realise that they are not cis? And how/when did Beatrice realise she wanted top surgery?

these are great questions i will now come up with answers to bc they're mostly vague in my mind before the actual timeline starts! lmfao

a domestic thing -- ava is obviously, like, incredibly gifted at charming people anywhere, at any time, doing anything. i think bea is a little terrified at first when she starts bringing ava to stuff — trivia night, the climbing gym, even just over to mary + shannon's for dinner — that everyone will immediately love ava way more. or, even worse, that bea will suddenly be expected to be the same kind of charming, to love attention in the same way, to laugh as quickly. but it's not like that at all, obviously: everyone is Delighted by ava & also delighted by bea — quietly, in a way that's still comfortable & happy for her. at the climbing gym ava tried adaptive climbing, like, one time & was like 'no ty lol', but he still loves to come & watch. bea is... quite serious, but ava isn't, so in like ten minutes ava's made friends w all of the people bea enjoys climbing with. the next time bea comes to climb, no one expects anything differently from her, but they ask after ava, a few of the boys tease her for having such a cool, hot partner (fondly, & she loves it), they invite ava out with them for beers saturday. i think they open up each other's worlds in different ways but the crux of it is the same. love them! as @princington said 'they're so tangible' & like they rly are

another domestic thing -- bea can't cook. she's abysmal at it, even after cooking classes. she tries to cook for ava One Time & it truly is so inedible ava just kisses her & orders pizza. she can make eggs, barely, & that's about it. ava tells her they're the best eggs, though

last domestic thing -- they're a big slipper household. at first ava thought it was kinda cute that bea was partial to a nice pair of teva slippers (also, of course, had to tease her) but the second ava tries them he's like oh fuck yah, i get it. needless to say, as he justifies bc of his difficult circulation system but rly just for fun, he gets... a Lot of slippers lol. also bea steals all of ava’s beanies. it’s only fair

in the context of this au, i don't think ava's ever rly been sold on being cis lol. even as a little kid before the accident, ava was happy to just play & imagine & sing & dance. their mom never forced them to Be A Girl, & ava didn't mind, really, when they were in the orphanage, but it never felt like it truly fit. not in a dysphoric way, but just that it was limiting. ava's body was confusing, was hard to come to terms with in that it wasn't the same anymore, they couldn't feel all the things they used to love. so when they finally had the opportunity to like go Be Queer, be in community, her world Opened Up in the most beautiful way. ava LOVES the playfulness & expansion of gender & the body, the control she has over not having to fit in a box. the world is so, so big & so, so lovely, & u know ava also HATES colonized ideas of anything lol, so it just makes sense. in undergrad they had some good trans buddies but also like... drag? LOVE. so it's rly fun for ava, especially with good people

hmm i think bea probably wanted top surgery from day 1 of puberty on but didn't realize until late in college. after a lot of reassurance from her friends that she didn't have to be a Trans Man to want to try a binder, she did, & p much that first night she knew bc she just felt so much better, like her body made sense & she could just relax. idk if bea ever rly feels gender euphoria but she does feel a lot of peace & so that's cool. probably she tells cam first, maybe lilith & cam together, that she wants surgery. by that time they're already in med school & also... they both know lol & so they're rly happy for her & they make her lots of snacks & take care of her afterward. lilith keeps her out of the gym for months even tho bea complains that she's bored & will be so out of shape, cam makes a bunch of food frequently. they're a little family & it's a rly joyful, quiet, happy time; she feels very lucky

#surgeons au #butch bea 🥺🫡 #who knows! not me! making it up on the fly lol my favorite way to write fiction

[fangirleaconmigo]

I am feeling all kinds of stuff tonight. So I'm taking a break from my regularly scheduled fandom programming and bringing you this, my post ,as a feminist, about trans rights. I feel like with all the shit going on right now, it's good to let people know where you stand, damn the consequences.

Alright.

Those of you who follow me know that I lost a dear friend to suicide a few weeks ago. She was a caring, kind human being, and a butch lesbian woman.

I was just sitting here tonight going through all of the facebook posts she ever tagged me in, just crying again and missing her. And I came across one very very long post she made a few years ago that I had completely forgotten about.

One day in 2017 she poured out her heart about being kicked out of a women's restroom at the Y again. She was very tall and athletic and had short hair, and this was not the first time it had happened to her.

Her post is lengthy and the heartbreak she felt being rejected from womanhood for her 'unfeminine' appearance is so visceral and so painful. She had experienced an intense amount of violent gender based and homophobic abuse in her life. She felt a deep, deep connection with her womanhood and with other women.

If you've read my other posts about her, you know that she liked to call her woman friends "warrior women" and have "yaya sisterhood" bonfire parties at her house. She always built us up. She gave a shit about other women, so sincerely.

So to see her pain again about this, about the way that she was constantly being 'defined out of' woman hood and treated as a predator made me enraged all over again.

I don't get involved in arguments online if I can at all help it (you all have noticed that I'm sure, I'm here to have a good time). But please let me share something personal here for a moment. If you follow me and were ever curious about where I stand, (being a feminist online during these horrible times) here it is.

Transphobia. Hurts. All. Women. Transphobia. Is. Not. Feminism. Transphobia is hate.

Mari is not the only butch friend I have who has been treated like a predator, kicked out of bathrooms, and been treated as an outsider to woman hood for visibly 'failing' a visual femininity test. It is such a stab to the gut to be rejected by your own people.

Yes, she was a cis woman. But she was still rejected by those who define women down to 'femininity' and 'clocking' as a woman, and being small and dainty and shit. She suffered from that. We all fucking suffer from that. I have another butch queer friend who this happens to. She gets kicked out of bathrooms. It's never happened when I'm there, which is probably better for everyone, because I get so enraged on her behalf just hearing about it. I'm a deeply nonviolent person but in person, I don't know what I'd do.

So let us be clear. All of the anti-trans bullshit going on, all the transphobia going absolutely bonkers online right now, makes literally all of this even worse and more hostile for women. All women.

For as long as we require women to 'clock' as uber feminine, for as long as we police women's genitalia when they walk into a restroom, for as long as we make queer women feel like predators for not conforming to social pressures of femininity, WE WILL BE ABUSING OURSELVES. WE WILL BE POISONING OURSELVES TO FIT IN WITH THE CONSERVATIVE, TRADITIONAL, HOMOPHOBIC MAINSTREAM WHO FUCKING HATES US.

Let me say that again, so this is clear. THEY FUCKING HATE US.

I don't give a shit what they say about feminism. "Oh, we are here to protect you from trans women"

Shut the ENTIRE fuck up. Just stop. I've lived on this earth as a woman for 46 goddamned years. You cannot pee on my leg and tell me it's goddamned raining.

Every time I've been politically disenfranchised, oppressed, underestimated, exploited, IT HAS BEEN BY THE RIGHT WING POLITICAL ESTABLISHMENT. IT HAS BEEN BY MISOGYNISTIC CISHET MEN AND THEIR HELPMATES, USUALLY CISHET UPPER CLASS WHITE CHRISTIAN WOMEN.

The thing that oppresses women are the systems and cultures of misogyny. Are you telling me trans women built those? lmaooooooooooooo get the entire fuck out.

They always say...oh, trans women can't be women because of the 'female experience'. So let this experienced female tell you that I fucking see you. I see you lying through your teeth about suddenly giving a shit about us.

I see you.

Young cis women, budding feminists. Do not let these people tell you that it's feminist to reject trans women. Do not let them say it's feminist to lament trans men and the 'loss' that purportedly represents to womanhood. Fuck that. It isn't feminism. It regressive. It's bigotry.

Do you not see how, every fucking time they talk about trans women they bring up rape?

Why? Ask yourself why?

Are trans women more likely to rape? No. Statistically, factually, they are most likely to be raped.

Is there some fuckn loophole somewhere that says trans women can legally rape people? And we gotta do something about that?

NO! In fact, in the US, it's functionally legal to assault and even kill trans women. These dudes are always fucking getting away with it, they just have to claim they were 'surprised' or some shit.

So then why do they always bring up rape?

Because they are trying to create an association between trans women and predatory behavior. To vilify them. As a Mexican American woman let me tell you that this is EXACTLY like when Trump brought up Mexican people EVERY FUCKN TIME he immediately brought up rape and drugs.

It's creating a connection in the minds of your audience. It is a process of hate. It is a process of dehumanization. And what does it directly precede? An oppressive action. They do it when they want to persecute a group of people and they don't want anyone to stop them.

It's hate and it should chill you to your core. They are out there killing these women! They are abusing and killing trans women, and trying to make you hate them so they can accrue even more clout and power. If you claim to be a decent human being, I'm gonna need you to give a fuck about that.

Then they act like they do it out of feminism.

They say...oh, we support women being 'unfeminine'. Trans men, for example, should just be butches and not trans their genders...

Oh fuck you. I was there. I was called every name in the book for not being feminine enough. It was right wingers who told me I should have been born a man. That I needed to change. To conform.

And now these same people are saying...oh we're on your side. We think we should get rid of gender stereotypes, not have all this trans-ness going.

Fuck you, you don't care about gender stereotypes.

Kids, never, ever, ever, ever trust someone who allies with alt right, far right, homophobic conservatives. They don't care about you. They aren't feminist.

Every election period I am reminded of who my sisters are. My cishet so called sisters who vote right wing with their husbands and ally with their whiteness and their class are not my fucking sisters. (I'm American, but I know this isn't unique to us)

If you support autonomy for women, and I mean ALL women, then you are my sister (or brother, or sibling, I claim you, I fuck with you is what I'm saying). If you lift up other women, the way my friend Mari did, then I claim you.

But if you claim to believe in improving the lives of all women, then that simply must include trans women.

Your so called feminism simply cannot include mocking women for looking masculine. It simply cannot include defining women by their genitalia. It simply cannot include policing women's genitalia or child rearing capacity.

They say...oh define women. Give us a definition then. You lose because you can't define women.

Fuck you.

I don't need to define women. I just need to love women, to be in solidarity with women. And I do. I support us. I volunteer for Planned Parenthood. I give money to pro-choice women who run for office. (again, women who support women) My home stays open to women leaving abusive relationships. I've housed at least five women over the past five years. I don't talk about it online because that's not why I do it. I do it because we need to stick together. So that's what I do. I march. I care. I give a shit.

And I appreciate anyone who stands with us of any gender you've got. Men? Awesome, stand right here. You've got a new gender? Fucking awesome. Stand right here. Hold this sign.

And as for trans women?

They are trying to legislate trans women's rights to medical procedures, to access to their own bodies.

I know what that's like.

They want to humiliate trans women for not meeting this high standard of 'feminine'

Shit, I know that what that's like too.

They want to define trans women by their internal organs and demean them for not functioning as a womb?

Me too, sister.

The thing is, I believe in trans women. In all trans people. Do you seriously fucking think that seven billion unruly human goddamn beings can (or should) neatly fit into ONE OF TWO FUCKING BOXES AND STAY THERE OBEDIENTLY NO MATTER WHAT THEIR OWN COMFORT AND HAPPINESS DICTATES? That's the most implausible, deranged thing I've ever heard.

Gender and social roles exist to serve humans. NOT the other way around.

I will always believe this. Human well-being first. Human dignity first. Social roles if they help, if they fit, if people like them. If not, chuck em.

So, yeah. I know this is a fandom blog. But I'm sitting here reading my friend's pain posthumously and I'm so angry. I'm just so angry.

How do I wrap this up? I don't know. I don't know everything. I'm not an expert or a scientist. I'm an Old and I have to google half the words I see online that people use when they talk about their gender or sexual orientation. (I've learned a lot these past few years on here!) So I'm not the expert. I don't understand it all. (who does??? LITerally NO ONE). I've made mistakes, I'll keep making mistakes. Unproblematic? I don't know her. No one does. Our asses are all problematic.

I just know that I give a shit about people, that I care about my fellow women, and that is literally all you have to do. And anyone who harasses, abuses, or just makes their lives miserable in general is on my shit list.

So yeah. Trans rights, folks. And feminists? If your feminism includes genitalia checks, it's not feminism it's fucking bigotry.

Thanks for reading x

#transphobia #feminism #random irl post #getting to know me i guess #had to get this off my chest #long post #remembering mari #tw: suicide #suicide

[psyga315]

Let's break this shit down:

4 main femme characters

No comment, this is accurate.

Said femme characters never leave the central focus of the show

Coughvolume1coughvolume4cough

Said femme characters never get something of theirs (tactical prowess, strength, magical ability, etc) downgraded to make room for a male

coughvolume5cough

Said femme characters are shown as complex

Fairly accurate

Said femme characters are NOT fanserviced with things put in place on purpose to avoid it like “void space” under skirts

Except if you just place them on couches all of Volume 5.

Two of said femme characters get together in a 9 volume slowburn wlw, including one that avoids shoving her with the hetero “nice guy” option. Also includes her taking down her abusive piece of shit ex that is also a terrorist

Except for that one time where they shove her with the hetero nice guy option for five volumes straight.

A political figure that is of the people that is based on Robin Hood

Ignore the part that she actively makes a bad situation worse on multiple occasions.

Femme characters across the board always being treated equally to male characters in terms of combat ability

Funnily enough, you could have made a point that they have more focus on combat powers.

Has a trans-femme character

Did you mention the part where she has very little lines and her actress got harassed and eventually sacked by RoosterTeeth?

Has a married wlw couple w/ a kid

While I would support this, it's also worth noting that, like May, they're minor to the point of being token.

A thief anti-villain character that is seemingly on the path to redemption

It's not really a redemption though since she just didn't want to blow up the world, especially since she didn't tip off the team about the person she was simping for.

A girlboss immortal big bad that was to fuck up the gods of the world as well as to die due to their shittery

Girlboss =/= sitting on her ass when someone was like "she's gonna do it herself"

I don't think being a suicidal destruction-craving madwoman is a W but go off I guess.

A badass would be femme fatale that is not only given a sympathetic backstory but doesn’t try to excuse her actions; while also pointing out how shitty a societal system is

Fuck it, I'll give you this. If only because you then follow up with this:

"B-b-but all Art's political!"

My brother in Christ, you make it political!

#rwde #rwby

[nightly-ruse]

Need to share my thoughts I haven’t so finally making my Transfem Dustpelt/Buckpelt post that is who she is in the rewrite and in my heart.

So Buck has a lot of abandonment issues and after a long life of figuring things out after a rough youth he feels better. That is until her first litter comes about with Ferncloud. As the little kits squirm at his mates belly he feels odd. Itchy in his pelt. Every time he’s called a dad it gets worse. After asking Sandstorm she hold his paw and asks if he’s trans. It clicks after a moment and after that she goes on her journey of becoming a molly. With the help of gnc Sandy she starts taking fennel to transition, comes out to her mate who welcomes her with love, and sees her sibling Raven again to come out as the true her, Cowflower the molly.

(Under cut is the full drawn out version for more story liking ppl to enjoy, it is long tho so beware, tho is makes more sense of the arc I love so much)

Buckpelt is the affair child of Robinwing and Stagleap, taken by his dad as a kit before being given back after Stag hated being a dad. He grew up with a rocky life right off the bat and when he’s given back to Thunderclan he’s not fully welcomed. Even as kit little Buckkit was bullied and outcasted especially by his older siblings Cherrypaw and Chestnutpaw. While Fuzzyflower cared for him he couldn’t push the anger towards his cheating mate Robinwing fully out of his parenting.

Buckpaw is made a apprentice and given to Redtail in hopes the wise deputy could help the misguided cat, and it worked. Redtail made him more aware of others as well as acting as a dad figure to him. Redtail never had a dad of his own and knew the pain even if his own didn’t just abandon him like Buckpaw’s did. But he started getting bullied more. Sandpaw disliked how much attention he was getting from her dad so she’d tease him, his older siblings would, and many other headstrong warriors.

Maybe if Redtail had lived all the way through poor Buckpaw’s training and taught the scrap how to handle it and make it into a skill it would’ve be great. But he didn’t. Redtail was murdered and Buckpaw felt the same abandonment he felt when Stagleap gave him up except even worse, because he couldn’t hate Redtail or see him again next gathering. He was gone. And now given to the crueler Darkstripe wasn’t doing well.

Instead of opening up more he closed off. Becoming sharper, quieter, meaner. His anger turned inwards and outwards. He started teasing Firepaw the moment the little kittypet came into camp just beside Sandpaw, both apprentices fueled by grief from Redtail’s death was rough on the clan. And even lashing out at Ravenpaw, his brother and only sibling to ever show a lick of kindness, for any perceived fault.

He never would’ve known how much it’d hurt when Ravenpaw never came home. Ripping that grief wound that barely even scabbed over right open. Instead of becoming more aggressive like before he became emptier. Barely even cared when he was named Buckpelt.

Tigerclaw betrays the clan, he refuses to follow the cat who abused his brother, Darkstripe shames him and all he does is bite his tongue.

It felt like moons of emptiness. No good or bad just nothing at all.

But then he felt something. Buckpelt went to lay down like he always did, following his same routine everyday, when Fuzzypelt came over. He didn’t expect much but instead his whole life changed. His parent showed him how to weave things, while it was rather bad his first try it got better. He asked if he could do secondary training for weaving and excelled.

(Fernpaw was born later and a new apprentice at the start of tnp, trained by Frostfur so by this time she’s already named Ferncloud)

That’s when a new cat comes into his life. Ferncloud. She had always been in his life but they never really talked or hung out. But the more they did they got closer. She had a similar past, a father she never knew, no siblings, outcasted. Except she was so emotional. Not in a bad way but in a way he wished he could be. She shared her every thought and knew how to help everyone.

The two learned to weave things together and slowly crushed on each other for a long time. She was his biggest comfort and he was hers.

And then the battle comes about and Ravenpaw, just called Raven now, is alive. Buckpelt is so overwhelmed with uprooted feelings he can barely breath looking at the cat. Finally they talk. Raven tells Buck about why he left, how their doing, how happy they are. And most importantly who he is now, a non-binary jack and mate of a tom. Buckpelt takes a while to understand but once he does, his own little cracks forms.

At the end of the battle they reunite, Raven introduces Barley and he introduces Ferncloud, and Raven tells him where they live so if he needs a place he knows how to get there.

Ferncloud announces she’s expecting kits, his kits, and the two official date. He is overjoyed and overwhelmed by the idea of a litter making a lot of things for the coming kits.

And then their born. Two little toms named Spiderkit for his odd lanky legs and Shaggykit (Shrewpaw) after Fuzzyflower. Staring at their kits Buckpelt feels the crack that first came about become bigger. Unsure of how to bring it up to his usual source to vent to since she’s now busy with the kits he goes to Sandstorm.

Being the awesome gnc cat she is Sandstorm listens to Buckpelt talk about how he feels odd in his own pelt, how it’s almost itchy and yet he has no fleas. She looks him in the eyes, plants a paw on his shoulder, and asks if he might be a molly instead of a tom. Of course he’s shocked and immediately goes to say no but stops. The egg has cracked open. After a full “oh mouse dung” moment and Sandy helping him through the realization he asks more questions. The more he asks the more she feels better. So many words and things she never knew before.

While it’s hard fully understanding it Buckpelt finally comes out to Ferncloud when their kits are just a moon old and of course Fern congratulates her mate. When asked if maybe she’d like to change her name she agrees and after a loooongggg few days of discussing with those she trusts Buckpelt renames to Cowflower.

Cow in the female deer and flower after her own parent Fuzzyflower (who is actually super genderfluid as well just never explained it lol).

She goes to the farm and tells her sibling who welcomes their new sister with purrs and hugs.

And there- my way too long story of Cowflower who I love with all my freaking heart

#I love cowflower so much btw she’s one of my new favorites of all time #wc thoughts #wc #wc rewrite #wc headcanon #warrior cats rewrite #warrior cats au #wc au #warrior cats #dustpelt #ferncloud #sandstorm #ravenpaw #long post

[askthesouleatercrew]

Happy gay month! Drop all of your lgbtq soul eater headcanons

[answering this ooc so we can get into details >:) sorry (or not?) for how dang long this got. please enjoy...

maka!!

-girl! trans! demigirl in a "all girl but Girl is so much bigger than cis people think it is" kind of a way.

-bi! uses it interchangeably w/ pan but tends towards bi as a descriptor. being a girl is a big part of her attraction. iykyk

-recognizes when she likes someone very quickly which makes her an absolute outlier in this group. love that for her. everyone clap

-now being vulnerable by admitting to those feelings to others...a little more complex! i am rooting for her

soul

-boy! also trans! my guy my dude my man. this guy can fit so much t swag in him.

-bi! loves women as a man but queerly and bonds with kilik about this. important note.

-even worse than maka at feelings which is saying something

-doesn’t bind generally. too uncomfortable and his back is already messed up due to the *gestures at so many things about this guy* so yeah. his presentation is v influenced by his sensory needs.

-his name stuff is very important to him as evidenced by him canonically owning multiple clothing items with his name on it. every time i have to type out soul eater evans i am physically pained by this but there’s no good solution. soul eater my friend soul eater

kid

-nonbinary. trans. gender is symmetry. you know!!

-made a comic about this a bit ago

-”’boy”’’ terms are fine w/ him. gets a little >_> (positive) when people mix in they/thems for him with his he/hims. beloved he/they boything

-very new to thinking about all this but he has already figured a lot out gender with support from his friends!!! proud of him

-attraction/sexuality...less so! knows he’s not straight but is not really able to think about himself in the context of attraction at the moment. he will get there when he gets there...

liz!

-girl! she is the only cis person in the crew, lol.

-she is lovingly referred to as "our liz cizbian, our ciz lizbian" etc by many of them

-lesbian as aforementioned. an absolute wreck. tries her best to play it off but so very nervous about acting on stuff.

-advice giver despite this lmao. good at picking up on other people's stuff if it doesn't involve her

pattyyy

-girl :3 transgender :3 she is having a great time. gender stuff was unfortunately part of her and liz’ reasons for leaving home

-thinks its hilarious to vary the sizes of her breast forms and she’s right. she’s very powerful and does whatever she wants. trans joy is real and patty is proof

-assigning words to her attraction/sexuality simply not on her radar at this point in her life.

-she’s also like . why is everyone so pent up about this just kiss the people you want... i will do it since you are so fucking complicated

black*star

-trans boyyy... gender is being THE BIGGEST and being THE GREAT BLACK*STAR

-he knew EXTREMELY early. like basically never got why people were calling him a girl early

-sid and everyone else around him were super supportive! he basically never had to transition socially, it was p immediate

-gay!! attraction and “fun” dating easy and great, Big Feelings/Romance are...much more difficult! he is simply bouncing around like an electron can’t catch me vulnerable thoughts and feelings!

tsubaki!

-trans girl! was also very supported by her family and has had a relativeley smooth time of gender. want an easy one for her lol

-pan! also uses bi but prefers pan. truly like “the future is open who knows :)”

-sees herself like...idk how to phrase this but her self view is very utilitarian mostly? like her function and her abilities rather than Her as a person if that makes sense.

-so it’s a nice like...genuine expression of self care for her to have been able to express these aspects of herself. tsubaki..

crona my beloved

-nonbinary of all time. they/them so much. just so not in the binary. we love to see it. did not have the language for it (or most things) growing up but always knew on some level they weren’t a boy or a girl.

-re crona gender medusa was along the lines of ‘as long as you serve your function, whatever’ which is shitty in its own special way but at least. you know.

-as far as attraction/sexuality...oh crona. does not know what a crush is. woefully out of their depth in terms of being able to conceptualize themself as someone capable of being loved or loving others at this point in their life. and yet! both of these are possible. and in fact. happening right now... bless them. it’s hard. they will get there..

THANK YOU AND CONGRATS IF YOU READ THIS FAR LMAO

happy pride everyone!!!!!]

#ask #anonymous #soul eater #maka albarn #soul eater evans #death the kid #liz thompson #patty thompson #blackstar #tsubaki nakatsukasa #crona #long post #text #mostly #art #somewhat. #atsec ooc #[every crew person: i’m something of an lgbtq+ community member myself :) ]

[blankbedroom]

Supernatural Headcanons

basically i started watching spn for the first time around 6 months ago & started writing down these hcs as i thought of them over that time, thought i’d post them somewhere so enjoy

Since sam would be left at home a lot he would watch straight to vhs disney sequels and that’s his disney knowledge. Jess is surprised and a little worried sam didn’t grow up w,,,kids movies? and they do disney marathons. Sam doesn’t rlly have favourite movies or shows at this point so he’ll frequently sit w Jess for a night in to binge whatever her favourites were.

Jess bought Sam his laptop as a 1 yr anniversary present and decorated it in all those edgy stickers as a joke bc sam was so brooding when she first met him

IF sam wanted to paint his nails when he was younger Dean would make fun of him the first time he asks bc obviously, Sam would get all sad and puppy dog eyes so of course Dean would cave and paint them for him. They’d be messy and sam would complain abt that the whole time but he still loves it after.

Sam is an angry cryer. whenever he gets really angry or frustrated tears will run down his face and dean would ALWAYS feel bad abt whatever he did bc “oh no sammy’s crying” and then sam would hit him (retaliation). He gets better at holding back the tears as he gets older but for a while there it’s the bane of sam’s existence.

we know this but sam doesn’t swear. when he was a kid it would’ve been during sparring sessions w dean if at all, he’d get all worked up that he kept losing and then he’d starts crying bc he was so angry and that just made it worse. In college he’d only swear during difficult study sessions and it would be whispered under his breath bc he’s in the library.

john is the type of dad to “boy idc who u keep in ur bed but if u don’t pick up that fucking crossbow-“ he’s a lot of things but he cares abt his sons and he isn’t homophobic.

Dean is trans 🙄✋🏼

Sam and Dean always bought shirts that were way too big for them so they would last longer (you’ll grow into it!) also this goes w/out saying but everything they bought was from thrift stores for like $5 at the most. When sam moves out and buys his own jacket at a real store for an honestly absurd price he’s never been happier. It’s clean and new and smells fresh and he wears it all the time.

Dean doesn’t cry until he DOES u know? he won’t let himself shed a single tear but when he does it’s absolutely sobbing, full on dry heaving. And he’ll just stop when he’s done, wipe his face, nod once and move on.

Dean is always a little salty that his little brother grew up taller than him

sam used to take latin classes if schools offered it and tried to study in his off time. when he gets to college he shows he’s free of he hunting life by taking Spanish

dean knows a little latin actually, mostly understands it but can’t rlly speak it

Sam was the shortest kid in his class(es) for a WHILE. Puberty didn’t hit until it DID then he shot up like a weed

SAM AND JESS’ FIRST CHRISTMAS! oh my god they go to jess’ house and sam spends the day w all of jess’ extended family. the house is utterly chaotic and loud and there are mountains of food that still seems too little when they’re all sat down. it’s all warm and crowded and utterly unfamiliar that sam loves it. maybe he does like christmas, just a bit.

Dean is good w kids bc he was basically a parent to sam when they were growing up (and still finds it hard to break the habit)

Sam and dean nick names :) “sammy” “de”

They both learned over complicated hand signals to communicate orders when on a hunt - this is hinted at but not enough so i added it :)

Dean never deletes a girl’s number from his phone even if he never contacts them again

Sam has physical scars from his time in the cage

Also dean misses some of his old scars after the slate got wiped clean

After sam is out of the cage - if he’s having rlly bad hallucinations he’ll hurt himself somehow, preferably a piercing wound to remind himself he is real, he’s here and lucifer isn’t, maybe he’ll bite his hand until skin breaks

s1 ep1 jess’ boxers are 100% sam’s

John never checked in on Sam at Stanford - Dean did

They have litters of scars along their arms from the amount of times they’ve had to cut themselves to prove they’re human to someone 🙄

SAM IS AFRAID OF CLOWNS (not a hc but i just love it)

they each have like 4 burner phones each

Dean keeps telling his dumb jokes purely out of habit/to get a laugh out of sam. sometimes he forgets that sam is a whole adult and prolly won’t find his dumb puns that funny anymore

There’s a story behind “you don’t take a joint from a guy named Don” i like to think it’s abt an experience sam had but that’s my angsty heart

#supernatural #spn #headcanons #headcanon #supernatural headcanon #spn headcanon #sam winchester #dean winchester #i think i stopped this during s6? #i’m only on s9 so that’s not saying much #ik some of these are basically canon but yknow #u get the idea

[angelsaxis]

i agree w u that we need to be way way more critical abt shit like makeup and plastic surgery wherein "freedom of choice" is just leaning into patriarchal white-centric ideals of beauty etc. but i think freedom of choice is still impt in other aspects like life goals and saying that choice doesnt matter as much as fighting patriarchy in all aspects seems a little off to me? like if a woman happens to want kids, which is a gendered expectation, then by your post's standards, she isnt fighting the patriarchy. if she chooses to stay at home and watch the kid because thats genuinely what fulfills her more than a job and is fortunate that her spouse wants to and can financially support her, thats also going to be considered not feminist simply because she isnt doing the opposite of gender norms, according to your post. same goes for if a woman wears gendered clothes? has a job like childcare teacher, nannying, nurse? i dont like the idea of defanged (and largely cishet white abled) feminism as much as you, but acting like all forms of freedom of choice that conforms to gender norms is inherently bad strays really close to political lesbianism ideology wherein even choosing to be romantically involved with a man becomes traitorous. because dating men Is a gender norm. short of being a radfem, there is a line where we recognize that choice does matter because otherwise, the act of dating a man in itself plays into gender roles and expectations.

i just think theres a bit more nuance. i.e. genuinely further normalizing hurtful rhetoric/ideas (which makeup and plastic surgery do) should be looked at critically and i personally think we ought to abandon aesthetic surgeries n makeup for the sake of simply fitting into beauty standards all together. i also think that people will always have innate preferences. mine is towards counselling and psychology- is it unfeminist to go into a field that is woman dominated? must we let go of all freedom to choose to do "the most anti-patriarchy thing possible"? i feel like more nuance is necessary or we fall into traps for ourselves and actually end up stifling other women. like women who dont want to go into male dominated fields because its rife with sexism. like women who genuinely want kids with a man. like women who dont have the capacity emotionalmy or physically due to disabilities to work the jobs they are qualified for and so they choose to be homemakers. or even trans women who choose to do makeup because it saves them from transmisogyny. like yes, absolutely we need to critique where some preferences come from because, like with beauty standards and diets and skincare and fashion/makeup trends, some of them can be genuinely harmful to others (especially young girls who are exposed only to manicured picture-perfect bodies and faces). but at the end of the day, sacrificing All individual preferences will not make women happier, healthier or freer. and i mean this for ALL women.

yes I agree that nuance is important! that post is only a few paragraphs long and I made it in a moment of anger--so please nobody think that when I went into it, I was thinking that any conformity to a gender role is worse than death itself lol. like im literally in cornrows and a woman's shirt now.

that's why i always make the distinction between feminist action vs nonfeminist actions, rather than IDing as a feminist and then taking all the things I do as either qualifying or disqualifying me as a feminist. There's women who, for any reason, choose to be homemakers rather than work. Is that a valid choice for them? Yeah! Is it a feminist action? In my personal opinion, no--but is it wrong? Hell no. It's just that, on the list of things that a woman might say are things she's done to dismantle the patriarchy, being a SAHM/homemaker wouldn't be on the list. That's not a bad thing. We can't live our lives wholly dedicated dismantling something to the point of our own self destruction (and considering how deeply gender roles run--even down to social interactions--this would be impossible, anyways). that's where liberal feminism and choice feminism are in the wrong--it's ID first, and then the belief that as along as she's a woman Doing What She Wants, she's fighting the patriarchy (in lots of ways this is the case, but in lots of ways it definitely isn't). so a woman ends up saying its a totes feminist thing to like. actively support plastic surgery and the harmful makeup culture. rather than admitting that those are things that a feminist can do that don't make her not a feminist, but that definitely aren't feminist actions.

(I think most of the people reblogging that post understood as much, considering how there's any number of folks reblogging that who are women w long hair or wearing bras or doing something else that's a gender role and thus supported by the patriarchy)

My beef is with the pushing of personal empowerment over liberation from the thing that makes you need to feel empowered in the first place--and then acting like that is a win against patriarchy. like in the ideal world, people wouldn't need to wear make up, you know? Like, there'd be no expectation for women of any type of contour their faces and coat their skin and clog their pores and spend dozens or even hundreds every year to look a Specific Way. The fact that trans women have to wear make up for their safety is evidence that we live in a society where women are at risk of facing extreme violence for non-conformity--that's a fundamental change to society that make up, while helpful in a lot of these situations, bandages over. Bear in mind that I'm not saying that trans women shouldn't ever wear make up or anything! Make up as a choice for personal freedom/safety obv varies between women and by situation. It's still a gender expectation that men don't have to face, though.

My post was aimed more at the hardline liberal feminists/choice feminists who truly do think that make up is like. a 100% liberating tool whose acceptance actually contributes to the furthering of women's rights and the dismantling of patriarchy. it was generally directed at the women who call themselves feminsts but don't actually have like. an ounce of anything negative to say about the gender roles that are forced on us from birth. like they keep insisting that there is liberation through conformity as long as you change your mind about it or change the definition of feminism entirely. I don't think anyone's evil or partaking wholeheartedly in the oppression of women by wearing makeup n heels or being a SAHM, but again I know better than to equate a choice (often made under some level of misogynistic social coercion) with like, strives to get women in normally male-dominant fields or boost our representation in government or securing our reproductive rights.

#ask #i wonder how many people are reading a lack of nuance into that post lol #not necessarily @ you anon just. ive already had a libfem try to actually fight me on the whole bimbo movement thing #as a personal example: im already tall but i love big ass heels when I have a chance to wear them #the taller the better #i wanna be over six feet #heels are a gender expectation for afab people #there's also the expectation that bc of my height i should lean away from wearing them #its absolutely a personal choice that i frankly love bc ppl always expect women to be short and dainty #do i consider it a feminist thing to wear heels? no #its a ''fuck you'' thing #and a gender expression thing but thats for another post #i covered what I could while running the risk of this being 19 miles long sorry if i missed anything! #long post

[gomeejul]

Die For You A 3K word Commission Genre: Angst Trigger warnings: internalized homophobia, transphobia, rejection, death Summary: Jeremiah has to listen to Felicity complain about her crush on their childhood friend Daniel while secretly harboring feelings for her. One day, he comes across a shocking reveal that just might permanently disintegrate their friendship... Or worse. 

Chapter Three

“She wants to act like a man, then let her fend for herself like one.” Jeremiah glares daggers into the side of his stepfather’s head, not quickly enough to turn away before it’s noticed. “You got something to say?”

Jeremiah shakes his head and hurriedly grabs his water bottle from the fridge, eager to make an instant retreat to his bedroom. He wishes he’d been able to move away from this bullshit, but it was too expensive. Living at home was the cheapest option for a jobless, 22-year-old. It’s not like he isn’t capable of getting a job, either. His mother and stepfather were both very persistent about wanting him to graduate college before working, so he could jump straight into a marketing career.

Much like when he was younger, Jeremiah hates home. He’s hated home ever since his mother moved that other man in. Macy– no, Mason, was always vocal when disagreeing with their stepfather. You’d hear things like “you’re not my father” or more often, “I’ll start calling you pops the day Hell freezes over”. Mason and their stepfather got into fights like that more times than Jeremiah could count, but nothing ever quite hit the ceiling the way it had the previous evening. 

Mason had shown signs while growing up that he was different. Jeremiah hadn’t minded it much, believing at the time that his little brother was just going through a tomboy phase. It didn’t bother Jeremiah much when the younger boy started dressing in clothes similar to him or doing his hair in a way that wasn’t very feminine. In a conversation the two siblings had a few weeks prior – Macy (at the time) – admitted to Jeremiah that she believed she may be trans. Due to his upbringing, Jeremiah never learned much other than what gay or straight was. Gender expression certainly wasn’t anything he was taught, either. Francesco – their stepfather – always spoke lowly of gays and men who show femininity. Given Jeremiah’s experience of being bullied in middle school due to assumptions made by him wearing a pony backpack for several weeks, his first reaction was to be angry with Mason. However, Jeremiah lived all of Mason’s childhood loving and being protective of him. As confusing as it was, Jeremiah researched the subject to better educate himself. 

At the end of the day, Mason is no longer Jeremiah’s little sister but is now his brother. As easy as it was for Jeremiah to move past the two recent changes in Mason’s life, they agreed to keep it a secret from Francesco. Remembering his violent reactions to even hearing the word ‘homo’, angering Francesco was not a risk worth taking. As much as they wished their mother would have a backbone and at least hush his unnecessary rages, she never did. Francesco got away with a lot he said, and all the w he treated Jeremiah and Mason. Their mother – Taylor –  never did much other than sigh and leave the room. On rare occasions, she would challenge Francesco and then run away from the situation entirely. Every time her excuse was "he’s just old school".

One would think -- under any circumstance -- that a mother would intervene when seeing them thrown against the wall and having their face screamed at. Instead, Taylor only excuses herself from the room with tears in her eyes. Jeremiah grew only half a spine at that moment, assuming his mother's position in defense of his new little brother. He stood tall, chest puffed out as if it made him look any braver. Surprisingly, raising your voice to a man in the middle of a violent tirade stomping around the house is not as effective as Jeremiah hoped. 

Jeremiah sits on the edge of his bed and frowns, looking over at the other side of the bed where Mason would sit beside him during their parents' arguments. Jeremiah should have stood his ground. He should have fought harder for Mason's place in their home. But sadly, Jeremiah was a coward. As soon as Francesco threatened to kick him out and withdraw Jeremiah from his institute, he backed down. Jeremiah put too much hard-working effort into his studies. He couldn't let Francesco's pettiness take all of that away from him. That wasn't fair to him. 

It wasn't fair to anyone. 

Despite being the younger sibling, Mason always looked after Jeremiah. He always argued with Francesco about unfair treatment and went off on their mother for doing absolutely nothing about it. Mason's not like Jeremiah. Mason is brave. That's why it's so disappointing that Jeremiah couldn't pay him back even just once by holding his ground. He could have done much more to fight for his little brother, even if it meant dragging his Bachelor's Degree down with him. 

Jeremiah knows he made a mistake. Daniel had protected him since the very beginning of their friendship from the dangers of aggressive bullies who targeted him for an identity they'd imposed. Daniel never cared that Jeremiah showed up to school with a colorful pony backpack. He never hated him for the weird and obscure facts Jeremiah would blurt out unprompted. Daniel never second-guessed his decision to make friends with him, and never validated any cause for Jeremiah to think of himself as a freak. How could he recover from this? How could he apologize after turning against one of the three people closest to his heart? It still feels weird to know Daniel has feelings for him. Regardless, Jeremiah's display in the cafeteria earlier was no way to respond to such a revelation. 

He takes a deep breath before pulling out his phone, staring long and hard at the screen. Felicity hasn't called him all evening. She'd usually have called him around 7 PM, but it was already 10:30 PM and he hasn't so much as even received a text from her. Jeremiah hesitates a while before calling her number, muscles growing tense when the phone begins ringing.

#writeblr #writing #creative writing #angst #fiction #dfy #gomeejul writes

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all

[troglobite]

lol love deciding to watch a ~body positivity~ video from someone who i generally think is p decent abt that stuff

only to see her p much just feature videos from thin ppl who are pretending they have any right to claim being "fat" or facing discrimination for it

clear warning for discussion of lousy ~body positivity~ garbage and actual fatphobia ableism racism etc.

bro like what the fuck. lol there wasn't a single disabled or ACTUALLY FAT person featured in the video

and then all of the comments are like

omg i'm crying this is so helpful and wonderful and made me feel so much better abt myself!

meanwhile, even though the creator herself is SEA and has body hair, there was also like no fucking body hair on these people INCLUDING IN THE VIDEOS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT BODY HAIR POSITIVITY

AND NO DARK SKINNED PEOPLE THAT I SAW. AT ALL. meanwhile [gestures at skin bleaching industry]

like are you fucking kidding me??? you claim to want to make people feel better, but by acting as though these CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE are in any way NOT conventionally attractive, or bucking norms, or helping ppl feel better abt themselves--

YOU ARE MAKING THE REST OF US FEEL WORSE

"jesus fucking christ, if THAT person feels fat then WHAT AM I????"

i'm so tired of this shit and this is why body positivity is fucking garbage. lol the ppl who cling to it are the ones who almost fit the norm but not quite and so want to claim those differences as beautiful

but super fats? big n talls? chonkies? extremely short? very hairy? dark skinned? DISABLED????

nope. nowhere to be seen.

not even REASONABLY FAT PEOPLE were featured.

ONE was. and it was a belly joke where their face wasn't present and she likened it to period bloat

I'M SO TIRED OF STRAIGHT SIZED AND THIN PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT BODY POSITIVITY

acting like it's all that matters, as if fatphobia doesn't actively kill people through a million different ways (dangerous medical procedures, denying health care and pretending losing weight is a cure all, advising dangerous weight loss and eating disorders, acting as though fat causes health problems when there's zero proof that it does, subjecting us fat people to extreme bigotry and stigma and elevating our stress, limiting our access to food jobs and other security)

like people KILL THEMSELVES in pursuit of thinness. not joy, not feeling good, not friendship or family or relationships, not work, not meaning, not ANYTHING that is materially fulfilling--JUST TO BE THIN. TO BE THIN. TO HAVE LESS OF THEIR BODY TO LIVE IN. TO DIMINISH THEMSELVES.

and you're just like

~yaaaaasssss look at that belly jiggle~

and it's like. a straight sized belly. bc all bodies fucking jiggle.

"you don't have to be insecure abt jiggle or flab! EVERYONE has it!"

okay but did you grow up w kids telling you that you looked pregnant? mocking how you ran? acting like you shook the floor when you walked around? being overlooked by all your peers and never being asked out or considered appealing or cool?

maybe shut the fuck up.

i kept scrolling through the video HOPING that she would feature ANYONE who was fat or disabled and she didn't and it's so deeply disappointing. and the ppl FAWNING over her and the others in the video are so fucking frustrating.

the ONE good thing i saw was a video about big nose positivity--BUT EVEN THEN. THERE WERE NO BLACK NOSES. AND NOBODY IN THE VIDEO WAS FAT.

like the scrawniest whitest teen trans boy was like "belly rolls are normal!" bro you weight 70 pounds wet i dare say YOU are not the one to talk about BELLY ROLLS BEING NORMAL when you had to SHRIMP YOUR BACK to get ONE. and then being like "stretch marks and body hair are normal!" bro you're on t and your armpit hair was wispy and blond and i couldn't see any stretchmarks on your lily white skin. MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS.

i understand the impulse to make people feel better about themselves

but y'know what would ACTUALLY help?

promoting FAT PEOPLE AND DISABLED PEOPLE

RADICAL FAT ACTIVISIM AND DISABILITY ACTIVISM

and i don't mean "commit your entire life to activism" i just mean TELL AS MANY PEOPLE ABOUT THESE POLITICAL POSITIONS AS POSSIBLE

BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING EXHAUSTING TO HAVE TO ~BODY POSITIVITY 101~ WITH ALL YOU FUCKING NUMBSKULLS

and then you all secretly hate fat and disabled people anyway so like we know WHY that shit happens lol we know WHY you can't bear to actually feature fat bodies or bodies that ACTUALLY challenge norms. y'all are fucking boring cowards and i'm tired.

like people like to watch almost-conventionally-attractive-people talk abt ~body positivity~ bc it's FEEL GOOD "politics" that require NOTHING from them. they don't have to change their outlooks or opinions or themselves or DO anything at all. they just get to go "haha YASSSSS totally!!!!" and then scroll on feeling good about themselves as though they've done an act of charity by not overtly hating someone who is 20% off of the conventionally attractive norm.

fucking killing me there was a teenage girl like "omg i struggle with such bad body issues"

sweetie you literally have the body type that is ~on trend~ right now, i can't think of a store that wouldn't have clothes that would fit you

that doesn't mean you can't experience body issues or insecurity (our capitalist advertisement-based society forces EVERYONE to have them! but therefore YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL FOR THAT, THOUGH, MIGHT I ADD)

but like babe. you knew your angles. you knew what works for your body in terms of clothing. you knew your lighting. i dare say you know that you can look cool and attractive. and also YOU ARE POSTING A VIDEO OF YOUR BODY ONLINE FOR CLOUT AND ATTENTION (which is fine in and of itself!) USING YOUR BODY TO GET THAT ATTENTION. YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE MOSTLY POSITIVE.

SO I DARE SAY THAT WHATEVER STRUGGLES YOU HAVE ARE NOT THE SAME AS THE MATERIAL SYSTEMIC ABUSE THAT DARK SKINNED, HAIRY, FAT, AND DISABLED PEOPLE EXPERIENCE

i expected better from this person and i shouldn't have bc she's all about ~positivity~ and i'm just Fucking Tired

empty platitudes from people who have probably never faced the same kind of discrimination as fat people (and i'm a "small" fat! i fit in most seats! people don't follow me in public! i have been harassed and bullied and struggle with clothing, but not to the same degree as others!) or any other kind of person who ACTUALLY needs RADICAL BODY AND FAT POLITICS AND ACTIVISM

those are MEANINGLESS. they're empty feel good "politics" that demand nothing of you and change nothing about you or the world. and i'm tired.

one conventionally attractive person with a "weird" nose gets to feel hotter than they already felt. what a win.

meanwhile fat people are being actively killed. disabled people are being actively killed. dark skinned people are being actively killed. and so on and so forth.

i'm not trying to be a downer "i'm better at politics than you"

this anger comes from me being a fat hairy disabled teenager and wanting to feel better about myself

and thin white conventionally attractive people saying like "haha it's fine if you jiggle!" and then me still being bullied for being "ugly" like y'know? it just doesn't change anything. it doesn't actually help anyone. and it makes people feel worse.

my friend who insisted i wasn't fat--WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING FOR ME? that's about YOUR insecurity and the fact that you think fat is so bad that you couldn't BEAR to apply that to a friend that you love! it has nothing to do with my material life experiences and conditions. it has nothing to do with anything.

or thin friends i had

"ugh i ate so much i feel so fat"

no you don't

you weight maybe 80 pounds and you're taller than me

you have never faced harassment about your weight and you probably never will at this rate considering the amount of sugar you eat and quickly metabolize

so SHUT THE FUCK UP

and also

if YOU'RE fat then WHAT THE FUCK AM I????

i'm so tired of people talking negatively about their bodies around me REGARDLESS of what they look like.

and i'm ALSO sick of people talking about parts of their body WHICH ARE NORMAL AND ACCEPTED as though they're ~transgressing~ somehow and then i'm just like. REALLY. REALLY??????? [gestures at myself] THEN WHAT AM I? A FUCKING ALIEN?????

i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i need to get up and get a snack bc i'm hungry and i listen to my body abt how and when i eat and that's all i care abt

and i need to let go of this

i just get so fucking angry abt this shit.

if you're not going to ACTUALLY HELP the people who ACTUALLY FUCKING NEED IT then keep your fucking mouth shut.

[flowervolcano]

I know I have seemed anti Antonia Dreykov but it’s not like that at all. I just get mad that she wasn’t a well written and fleshed out character and I hope for some new things for her.

Originally I thought ooh he could be Marvel’s first trans character, have Tony transition to male that way “look he’s a male” and I’d really be down for this idea

But if not, idc we could do a female Taskmaster, just let her have spunk, energy, charisma, let her get her own personality anything that isn’t all drama filled. She deserved better than that.

So I want some things for her, which is; figuring herself out, after years of being silenced I want her to be a mouthy little troll like her comic counterpart, she uses the “my father silenced me my whole life now I’m making it your problem” excuse whenever someone on Thunderbolts gets annoyed with her excessive banter/talking. She has so much she missed out on, she could be like a little socially awkward at first but then really just kicks it off. Maybe she picks up skateboarding randomly just because she saw someone do it. I want her to reclaim some humanity and personality. All things she was dismissed from having. Let her thrive and grow into a real person. I’m afraid they will just keep blandly writing her with no soul and she’s only “I was a weapon” like Bucky, Yelena and Ghost weren’t. (Not all of them are as moody but you get the point)

Then I also really want them to utilize her powers more, explain that the chip in her head is actually just because her father is a control freak and was limiting her to a program. That the powers don’t have to be computer functional. Idk taking away a super hero skill like that sucks imo and that was one of my major complaints when it first came out

BRING BACK THE CAPE PLEASE!!!

The main reason I’m upset with the “reveal” was mainly because Taskmaster’s identity never mattered to him, he was a just a dude who loves his skull mask and refuses to take it off so when she took off the mask in the movie it felt jarring (not because she was a woman btw) but because it felt so not like Taskmaster to do so. I didn’t care who was going to play Taskmaster as long as the actor kept the mask on 90% of the time. It’s kinda not fair to such a great actress though, which added to my distraught feeling. It felt like so many good things and potential was wasted. Because no I feel like her identity is more important than her skull mask (rip) but that’s a simplistic argument

Instead it would have been devious if she wasn’t actually Dreykov’s daughter but staging that to get under Black Widow’s skin (I say this because the timeline makes no sense in 2008 Antonia was around the ages of 7-10 which I would be around the same age as her, and she does NOT pass for 16-20 years old, let me remind y’all that BW was set in the year 2016, so if she was let’s say born in 2000 (like me) by the time it’s 2016 she would only be 16. So that is still making the least amount of sense in direction of writing. If honestly would have been better if instead of trying to connect her in that way, sure go with “victim” but not if the timeline makes no sense. Sorry I’m rambling a little it’s just I take my timelines very seriously and can’t stand when the math ain’t adding up.) ignoring the mess up in the time line I just didn’t like the needing to be related to someone to hurt Black Widow, and having her only exist like a pawn was upsetting for me. And the character as a whole.

Instead she could have just been anyone who was being abused. Maybe Dreykov found her and her unique abilities and abused that to his will and forced her to work for him. She could have been in the explosion but not related to him even, but he uses that event against her. “I saved you and made you what you are, you are in debt to me” or even worse the old “I took you in when you had no one, I’m the only one who would care about you now” obviously he’s a gross manipulative old man who had no regard for women. But there was so much to work with to make him even more evil and disgusting. He never cared who anyone was even his own daughter yikes— while I like the idea to a point it didn’t quite work in the long run and execution. But we can work around that! Let Antonia shit talk him constantly after he’s dead. It would be funny. Let Antonia be lazy too. I think she deserves to kick back and annoy people a little. I just want to see her healing and I’m trying to morph her into the little bastard Tony Masters any way I can.

She can really be an interestingly complex character, she could only be in it for money like Tony usually is, and that works, some people are just like that. Maybe she feels like she has nothing else in life (because she doesn’t) so money is the only thing that makes her happy. Besides this absolutely works for the name change to Toni Masters, who would want to keep the Dreykov surname??

All in all I had much to write about but started ranting and losing my process. What I really think is most important is letting her be a character, a unique one. Just because she’s gone through traumatic events doesn’t mean she has to be a brooding, serious, depressed character, let her be goofy and whatever because she went through a lot and this is how she copes!

Just let her own it and be a fresh take, something free from everyone. She doesn’t need her dad, sympathy, pity, Black Widow, nobody she is her own hero. And she just wants to do some shots at a bar because why not.

Oh and finally, let her date Ghost/Ava. I think they’d have a wonderful chemistry together.

#random thoughts #Kal is ranting #taskmaster #antonia dreykov #black widow #marvel #mcu #mcu theory #mcu rant #taskmaster rambles #if the mcu cant write women then I will #I love women #I just want them to get good character #let Taskmaster be funnnn #Taskmaster as a woman would be iconic if she is fun I promise #thunderbolts mcu

[gaysexforlosers]

hello i am feeling emotions so here have a ridiculously long vent post

one of my friends reminded me if a thing that happened a few years ago and i was dumb and asked more abt it bc i didnt remember it so well and now i am remembering So Much of it and i am Sad about it now

and when i get sad abt one thing i get sad abt pretty much everything and im feeling really dysphoric already bc my mom was being a bitch abt my gender and just brought up a bunch of my trauma thats like. specifically the thing i avoid thinking about the most

and she didnt even warn me beforehand and she KNOWS how much i hate talking abt it especially with her. and she literally saw that i was trying really hard not to cry and she just kept going and she wouldnt listen to me and now im like. dysphoria spiraling into self hatred or whatever the fuck and she doesnt even fucking care.

and then it was even worse bc of some shit w my brother and she was screaming the whole night and i got a stress migraine and i had to stay home from school and like. now its literally yom kippur and ive made it really clear im not happy with her and shes just ignoring me like. this is literally the one day where ur supposed to apologize for shit and shes not even fucking trying.

its all like oh well i didnt deadname u that one time so u cant be mad at me. i used the right pronouns for literally the first time so u cant be mad at me. i make u food so u cant be mad at me. im ur mom so u cant be mad at me.

and shes reminding me of the shit i used to do when i was first realizing i was trans bc i used to read stuff that t*rfs said and watch ppl like bl*ir white and c*lvin garrah just to make myself feel like shit and now i keep thinking abt all the stuff i read bc some of the stuff shes saying is really fcking similar and im. idk

i just really want to talk to my friends but pretty much all of them are offline bc of yom kippur. and i only have a few that i feel close enough with that im comfortable talking to abt this stuff anyway and idk if theyre even able to talk to me abt it so i just feel like shit.

and its so fucked up too bc i had such a nice day on sunday like i saw so many of my friends who i hadnt seen in a while and i volunteered at a book fair and it was really fun and nice and i didnt have to fake stuff like i do at home and then my mom just has to ruin everything

#lol u know its bad when i have like. a 7 paragraph vent post wow #wasnt sposed to be this long but here we are #vent #idk im just crying a lot

[antiloreolympus]

14 Anti LO Asks

1. It’s just so wild how LO fans in their “good intentions” says LO is “pro-trans” because of Athena?? Like first off, she’s not trans, but more so they’re only basing that off the fact she doesn’t look like every one hyper feminine woman on cast so they automatically assume she must be AMAB?? Like you guys know that’s more transphobic than Rachel’s lack of a diverse cast, right? Holy shit. 

2. I think a true test of proper representation is if the character was taken away and nothing in the story changed, then it’s not good representation. Case in point in LO:

- almost all the plus sized characters are unnamed background characters, so their removal changes nothing.

- Hestia and Athena’s relationship has no impact on the story, so if it was removed and nothing changes that’s not representation.

- psyche being black has no input in the story, and it’s purely aesthetics that was only added with braids. Remove that and it changes nothing. That’s not representation.

I could go on, but I think you get what I’m getting at here. 

3. The big difference between The twins act of wrath and Persphones is intent. They meant to kill those kids, and Apollo is probs Zeus fav or second fav kid (that’s a whole other topic and idk if the twins even know if Zeus is their dad since they’ve never called him dad). But because the twins intended to kill those royals in the name of their mom, it wasn’t hidden from Zeus and they were rewarded (is it right no, but remember Zeus is the judge apperently)

Persephone, lost control, killed a bunch of mortals out of her control, (at most it was suppose to be the ones that were destroying the flower grove but it grew to a whole river of souls) then with her mother and Hermès worked together to not only hide this from Zeus but also hades (sorry Fish king this isn’t your domain) so I would say Persephone act of wrath was worse. But even going more into it was her reaction to finding out someone uncovered her truth was turning them into a plant (oh sorry they also insulted the king of the underworld) and still lost control on them.

What Persephone AOW is, is Persephone being out of control contrstantly. She does deserve a real not community service punishment because she is a danger to others and has harmed many. 

4. there's a big difference between a prominent nose and whatever the hell is on lo hades' face. he looks like papa smurf and a sawfish combined and were put into a tumblr sexy man machine but the machine was out fo sexy so now we're just left with that thing. persephone has the most boring design ive ever seen but at least she looks kinda normal.

5. the only good fanart of lo was by that one shitpost artist who was making fun of the series by having spongebob as persephone and squidward as hades in that "do i look like a scoundrel" or w/e scene but Rachel retweeted it thinking it was a compliment. we will NEVER top that.

6. deadass its so stupid how rachel is like why do you guys keep bringing up the age gap its not a big deal!! like ok why did you spend so much of s1 saying it was weird he was dying to bone a 19 year old then? she seriously could have just made her like 300 to avoid that mess all together, or if she insisted she be 19 then just be like "oh thats just what immortals do" or w/e so it can be excused fantasy logic. you cant make a point its bad in universe then be shocked readers see it as bad too??

7. A lot of RS’s style of writing an drawing are the same for characters. Women are busty short with maybe a bad relationship or sexual history (Hera Persephone Minthe  Daphne even Hestia maybe) the men are tall with some form of mommy issues. Hades-oepedius complex, Ares mommy and daddy issues, Hephaestus mommy and daddy issues, Apollo mommy boy with issues, Eros mommas boy with issues, Hermès mommy’s boy, Thanatos mommy issues. It’s like there’s only a few type of characters who can exist 

8. What I don't get is you know if LO was set in Paris, she would make sure to be accurate to Paris. If it was set in London, she would make sure it's accurate to London. Tokyo? It would look like Tokyo. But for some reason, the comic being set in Greece in a time period with some of the most iconic architecture in the world is asking too much? She can't even be bothered to download basic pillar brushes, but we're supposed to buy she cares so deeply about the culture and mythology? Give me a break.

9. are we sure rachel isn't a harry potter fan? bc i remember when the movies were coming out it turned out draco's dad (lucius) was originally supposed to look like a cold business man in an all black suit, sleeked back white hair, and have really sharp features including a long nose. are we sure rachel didnt just lift that design and slap it on her hades. lo hades kid would probably be a little shit like draco too if we're being honest here 💀

10. i think the issue with how LO handles HxP[ is it removed only two-ish problems (inc/st and her actually wanting him now) but on top of that also added more toxic elements like the age and power imbalance, cranked it up to 100, then acts like its the most perfect relationship ever. if it was just honest from the start it was more of a twisted romance or "brutally realistic" that would excuse it, but instead it frames as the best thing ever & what its young audience should want. that's my issue.

11. how can i send in the whole webtoon /j

12. That submission also brings up the point of like … they don’t know about the tree or that it woke up Kronos. We know Persephone won’t be punished, so are we to believe it she’ll wake off free from the trial only to whoops, have to admit her lack of control over her powers is totally ok despite it waking up the biggest threat to EVERYONE? Like murdering a village is bad enough, but she can’t get away with reawakening a threat they so desperately tried to lock away. Hell, what if p’s powers made him stronger? What then? The whole thing is so stupid. 

13. LO fans are hardly the first or last ones to do this but they always go “it’s just fiction!! It has no effect on reality!!” And it’s ok? Then are did you make critique of it a personal affront to you? Why do you insist critique never happen of it? Why do you get into real fights, threaten, and dox others if it’s not real? Why do you refuse to acknowledge actual problems in your face works, it’s creator, and it’s fandom? That sounds like it effects real life to me!

14. Not a critique, just wanted to point out how pissed LO stans are by your blog. They throwing a fit over it and call you out lol. Keep doing what you do queen, it's nice having a place to actually critique LO. 💜

From OP: Tysm! <3

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

[do-i-love-jaal-today]

   Hel-lo, darling ones! Aki here. Wanted to say some stuff, since I know I’ve been on and off here lately...

   First off, I have quite a few asks for imagines~! Super excited to get to them, but do know it’s been super slow for me, here, on account of a lot of IRL stuff that’s sapped my energy. (We’ll get into that in a moment.)

   Secondly... I wanted to do a far overdo gush post for everyone who follows and interacts with this blog.

   It continuously amazes me how much support this silly little thing gets. We’re nearing 2k followers and... I never thought I’d get these sorta numbers off of, “Do I love Jaal today?! Let’s find out!!” (I’m terrible at consistency, but I think it helps that I knew that ahead of time and opened up fics/headcanons, as well as rb’d art... The community already does so much! Gotta pay it back somehow, right?)

   I’m both delighted and exasperated (in a warm way!!) whenever I see the notifs for this blog blow up. It brings me so, so much joy to see people not only still love ME: Andromeda, but also Jaal and the angara in general! I sincerely hope we’ll someday see more of them...

   Here’s to hoping, what with an upcoming revisit to the Milky Way! (...I can desperately hope, at least.)

   Which leaves... IRL stuff. I’ll put it under the cut, as it’s pretty heavy stuff. [warnings for transphobia, homophobia, mentions of racism, and heavy depression]

   So... As of November of 2020, I left home. Not of my own will; I’m nonbinary, as well as DemiPan, and while my mother sort-of supported me... Her current husband, my stepdad, very much did not. He didn’t know fully what was going on, but he apparently got an inkling when his grandmother told him something was “wrong with me.” (I posted on Facebook about coming out, as well as talking about what each bit of my identity meant. I honestly did it in an attempt to tank familial relationships, as I had an inkling I wasn’t going to receive the support I dearly needed.)

   He’s an incredibly hateful man who- like most- defends this with religion. All others are wrong, bad, and evil. POC are making up stories about what they go through. Trans people have something wrong with them...and he simply does not believe gay people are pure. (So insert the age-old, “sinful gays,” line.)

   I have a boyfriend irl. He was able to make sure I was fed, when they didn’t. Made sure I was safe when I was breaking to pieces. I stayed over at his house for sleep, instead of in my own bed as much as possible. I didn’t see “home” as a place with family; it was wherever my boyfriend was, because I couldn’t stand to be in that hateful house, with a mother who overlooked the behavior right in front of her (because it “wasn’t as bad” as her relationship w/ my dad), and a bunch of children who deserved much better.....and I was terrified to gamble their safety on CPS. (I was made 3rd parent, being the eldest child.)

   So... November, I brought up more issues from stepdad. Mother defended him, basically. (As well as told me- to my face- that singular they/them pronouns don’t make sense. It’s only for plural, isn’t it?) I got super upset and emotional... Made worse by stepdad joining in and saying exactly what I thought he’d say.

   My boyfriend got me after work, I later gathered up my stuff (and then that stuff got stolen from the trunk of his car), and...I left. Never went back to live; only to continue picking up my stuff. We don’t have an apartment yet, and I’m just lucky his dad was okay with me staying with them.

   ...I wish that was the end of it.

   My dad has been a big help making the starting transfer over to adult life, especially as...nowhere I want to work at wants to hire me. But, I do have a phone, thanks to him. And am now able to contact my half-sisters.

   ...The older of the three coming out to me as bisexual (though she admits she might be pan?) and how things have gotten worse. Her dad- stepdad to me- told her to throw away LGBT+ books she bought; she had to sneak them out of the trash after he went to bed. She’s still not eating well. (As I did when I was there.) Her depression is fully apparent; her dad is unsupportive, mom still doing nothing to help, and even her own two sisters have started seeing things his way and don’t like who the older sister is.

   I...can’t do anything to help her aside from be around and it honestly hurts. Because I want to do more for her and I can’t. (I even tried encouraging them- all three kids- to be more open-minded when I was there; showing them SU and She-Ra to try to introduce those thoughts to them, since no one else was going to...)

   So.... Yeah. The explanation of why I haven’t been as active here, alongside of never getting the chance to finish ME: Andromeda for myself. I’ve been horribly burnt out from the pandemic, and then this happened along with it all... It’s been a blow that’s been so hard to recover from.

   And I don’t know how to even begin asking for help, so...I figured I’d write this. If you read this far, thank you so very, very much.

   It’s a lot. I know. I need therapy for all this, but my insurance is gone and idk what that means for me now. I’m trying to figure it out...

   But I guess if I was going to close this off on anything? Please take care of yourselves. Check in with friends, if you can. Try to not bottle up too much. No matter what anyone else says, you’re a lovely person and deserve so many kind, nice things.

   Look out for each other. Stay strong, and clear.

#AkiMod speaks #[Status Update] #transphobia tw #homophobia tw #racism ment tw #[I'm very tired and a lil emotional] #[but...at the end of the day] #[just thank you for following and stopping by] #[or just checking in once and awhile] #[I love that this fandom kicks onward] #[and the angaran love never stops ehehe] #[it...gives me a lil something to look forward to]