#and realizing i didnt do much at that time cos actually i was so stressed out and depressed from college

[smoliboops]

before i go to bed, for some reason I didnt get a notification from tumblr like i usually do (i guess they forgot lol) but today’s the 10 year anniversary of me being on tumblr!

originally I started out over on @smolidraws as a little superwholock/multifandom blog, and then roughly 3 years later i created this blog originally as a markiplier/jse sideblog but now it’s the one i’ve been on the longest and the one im (kinda??) the most known for haha.

from mishpocalypse to antipocalypse, almost going to dashcon to getting to meeting people ive come to know online at pax east, to getting more comfortable posting my art, theories, shitposts etc, it’s been fun ride ^^.

admittedly i dont get as personal here as i used to be, but i guess ill use this little post to thank ya guys for being here for however long you’ve been around ^-^. it’s honestly really nice and tbh really, really cool to get to interact with the communities im in (especially the jse community) through sharing my long rambles and the things i’ve create. 

and while im a bit of a shyish person still, i really appreciate the couple of people ive been able to get to talk to and know over the years cos of this website. i have a lot of fond memories spending time in discord servers together, dming and reblogging during exciting ego times, having someone to lend an ear to when needed (especially when college was driving me mad) and vice versa, and im really happy that i had a chance to do so with yall :)

ill probably make a better post next year when this blog specifically hits 8 years and when im not sleep deprived lol, but 10 is a doozy to be on this dumpster fire of a site (/lh), so might as well celebrate a tiny bit ^-^. love you guys <3

p.s.  for the few people who are somehow still here from the very, very beginning (if there are any still out there i think like 2/3 of the 900ish people on my old blog are either spam or long deactivated lol) i definitely really appreciate yall for sticking around for so long and hope you stick along for more too :).

#personal #also im sorry for all the fandoms ive gone thru over the years lol #but yea literally first joined this site to talk about doctor who #and now i still ramble about doctor who but thru jse theories lmao #also i will get back into art soon irl stuff has just been busy since graduating #but i have couple ideas at least including possibly my halloween costume #but we'lll see <-< #it'll be work and i may run late again but we'll seeee #also im burying this in the tags but actually ive been looking back on the last couple of years esp cos of ego happenings recently #and man there's so many cool memories with people that i almost forgot about #and like ill be a little soft for a minute and say that its kinda cool how looking back at october 2016 #and realizing i didnt do much at that time cos actually i was so stressed out and depressed from college #and remember watching say goodbye alone on the bus at school and trying to manage my excitement throughout the day #as i studied on my own for my darn engineering midterm that day and basically spent halloween on campus like that #but the online community really helped me feel less alone during that time #and then detention happened and things exploded a little bit lol #and now 6 years later i get to chat with friends about teasers and theories and i even spruced up my icon for halloween for once #and even starting getting into voice chats more a little bit recently #and while things arent perfect irl tbh #it's kinda cool to see how things have changed a bit for the better #in myself and the memories ive gotten the chance to make with you guys along the way #ok soft time over #if anyone sees these tags no you didnt *throws smokebomb* #<3

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

ive been paying alot of attention to syscourse (both sides- anti endo and pro endo) and i came to a dark realization.

ive seen anti endo systems, just to prove they have a diagnosis, pull out proof of diagnosis as a superior card over endogenic systems and self diagnosed systems. and then it can easily be faked using microsoft excel. so whos to say the people who have the audacity to post their proof of diagnosis are really diagnosed? they couldve asked for someone elses valid diagnostic proof, you never know. this is the toxic anti endo community we're talking about.

ive seen pro endos and actual endos peacefully protest to misinformation on disordered systems, which you think the disordered systems would be thankful for. but instead the sysmeds cant accept an act of kindness from someone they see as inherently pathetic and attack them for appropriating or stealing disordered terms.

ive seen fakers who admitted it, and they were so fixated on "DID without the disordered part"- basically alters, switching and no distress associated with it. and anti endos latched onto this, they thought this was what being endogenic was about. when faking DID and endogenic plurality are two different things. endogenics are sometimes born with their headmates so its not a choice like faking would be, and hosts who create their systems consciously (willogenic/thoughtform/tulpa) dont do it to fake DID and its just as common as born plurals. theres many reasons for someone being plural that vary by the plural. one endogenic might be plural because of autism while another is plural because they made an oc and it turned into a headmate from being acted out enough (although unintentionally.) for example.

ive seen toxic people on both sides of syscourse. ive had personal experience with some of these anti endos- back when we were first diagnosed with DID, wed spend time in r/DID and got the wrong idea about what we were supposed to be like, not knowing theres no set way any DID system is supposed to be. they are the support group version of systemscringe. its because of this sub i struggled with validity in our first summer we were aware of our systemhood. it took me months to learn greyout amnesia was more common in DID systems and so was being unaware of switching (probably because switching and blackouts are the sensationalized part of DID.)

the point is being a system in the age of syscourse is tiring, especially a DID system. its confusing, painful and makes you feel things you wish you didnt. DID is already an instance in my daily life, whether it be because of dissociation, the occasional switch with amnesia, memory problems, denial, or therapy. DID is alot to manage especially with over 100 alters, most of them either innernauts or dormant. between journaling who co fronted with who, what dissociation if any we experienced today, and trying to keep up communication just to fight off impostor syndrome even when dissociative barriers are high, having DID is a full time job and we should be paid by now. add the stress of your own community being marginalized against each other in the mix.

and now for the realization?

i wish i didnt have DID because theres a toxic community for it, so much misinformation about it and fakers. its already exhausting to have but add syscourse onto it and suddenly it becomes overwhelming. like i just want to exist in peace with my system and build a drama free support group and its impossible.

#actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #pro endo #endo safe #syscourse

[actualbird]

good day po fave online kuya kong si kuya zak 🫶🏽🫶🏽

feel free to delete this from ur inbox if u don wanna answer i genyuweenly won't mind <33 pero how did u decide on a senior high school?? a strand?? A COLLEGE???? a career too doot doot doot

idk school and the future has been stressing me out :pain: also any debate tips cause in my head ur a very good speaker...... my first debate is graded so it's taking a toll on my grp 😓😓😓😓 AND labag sa kalooban namen ung topic AHAHHAHAHHA so namamlastik lang kami

thank u sm ule kuya kahit na idelete mo to, typing it out made me calmer ng onti seryoso ueuueue

>hopefully friendly neighborhood (marikenyo) grade 10 student

ps; ur luke cos is so cos goals the luke stan in me is screaming crying cause im curious if im taller than u /j im only 5'2" lawl UR WIG IS SO NICE TOO LIKE GENUINELY !!!! the styling is mwa chefs kiss

hi hi anon!! omg first off can i just say i got a nice boost of happy chemical from being called kuya zak like,,,,oh das me :'D

and it's alright, i dont mind this at all!! i really understand how the future can be stressful huhu, especially when ur in high school, so helping out in any way wld be my pleasure

i'll go thru this one by one (and under a readmore) cuz it seems uve been following here for a while so siguro by this point, siguro alam mo na na madaldal ako esp sa mga ask responses JHVKAJHSFVJKAHS

how did i decide a senior high school strand/college degree/career?:

unfortunately, i cannot help on on the High School Strand kasi 'di ko naabutan yung strand system in high school VSJHFVKSJDHGSD. my batch graduated right when they started doing strands, so i never got to experience it, huhu, nor do i understand the process (even after my younger sibling has tried many times to explain it to me, minsan bobo ako jVKJSHF)

but maybe my next stuffs can help out :D

in choosing a college course i.....really kinda just picked what i wanted to do. and this was a huge privilege i'll always be grateful to my family for, whatever i wanted to study, they'd support me. the courses i applied for in diff schools were the following, in order of first to last choice: Creative Writing, English/Comparative Literature, and BA Psychology (tho disclaimer: i only put this last one on application forms cuz it was needed, i didnt actually want to study that very much HAHA, it was writing or lit for me all the way)

on why i wanted those courses is....idk it's another thing that i think is also a privilege. ive always known that ive wanted to write, to study writing, and to pursue it later on. ive been writing and reading ever since i was a kid and i was pretty deadset on it from an early age.

i know that a lot of people dont have a similar experience tho sometimes, but i guess my advice for how to pick a college course is: what can you see yourself enjoying learning more and more and more about?

ofc, this gets a bit more complicated if ur family is strict and will only allow u to take certain degrees huhu. but if uve got the freedom to choose, i'd say dont just think about what you like, but what you'd like to learn about.

cuz college is work. it's a LOT of work. and while liking something can help, that Like can fall flat when youve gotta be doing all the requirements. it helps if, whatever u choose, it's something uve got a craving for knowledge for.

and honestly, if you dont know what to get or if you choose something and realize it isnt for you, thats okay too! you can shift courses in college! or if you want to learn more, you can take a minor degree! sometimes your first choice wont work, and thats okay. you can choose again and see what fits.

how i chose my career was a bit different from this cuz....the ph job market is in shambles JHVASFVASKJFHASVKFJAH

i currently work as a copywriter and despite the stresses, i really enjoy my job! but this wasnt my first job (my first job fucking sucked so bad that i resigned within a month) and i didnt land it straight out of college (i was out of college for over a year before landing my current gig). i got lucky with my current job, bc when it comes to careers, it's a lot harder to have a choice.

of course, all the jobs i was looking into were writing related: content writer, SEO writer, scriptwriter, etc etc. but theres a lot of companies out there that treat writers like absolute shit, a lot of companies who wont get back to you after an interview, a lot of companies who wont take you. i didnt choose my career so much as get lucky in the job market gacha (lol), but my advice here is that like...search within the industries you think you'd, at best, enjoy working in or, at minimum, can endure being in

which is a very depressing statement, i know.....life is tough, but there are good jobs out there with ppl who wont treat u like crud. if i got lucky, i can only hope more ppl can get this kind of experience too

and like i said in the college bit, if u find urself in a job u dont vibe with and u have the privilege/stability to be able to quit it:.....just quit it

a lot of these life choices are made to be really Big by schools and teachers and everybody really, but you dont have to get it right the first time. you can start over, it's alright, youve got your whole life ahead of you. if your life allows u the privilege and freedom to choose and discover new things, dont hold yourself back

i hope this could help somehow. i realize that a lot of this is medj philosophical jHVJHSFKJSD but back when i was in college, i wish somebody told me that it's not the end of the world if i didnt get it right the first time. so thats what i'll tell you, cuz it's true :'D

and as for debate tips HAHA, okay heres where i can give some more concrete advice because i LOVE DEBATING. I LOVE PUBLIC SPEAKING AND PRESENTING OMG OMG. it's a dream come true for me, people HAVE to listen to what ive got to say, it's a huge power trip JVSKJHFVAJS

ANYWAY, DEBATE TIPS:

i am so sorry that the topic that got assign to u and ur grp isnt something u like huhu. but my overall tip for debate (and any public speaking tbh) is. fake it

like, legit, just fake it. the delivery portion of debate, to me, is basically theatre and acting HVKJHVFKJAHFAS

imagine the most confident speaker uve ever seen urself, maybe somebody so confident na nainis ka sa kaniya, and do exactly that:

get that good posture, make motions with your hands because this helps get people's attention. if eye contact makes u nervous (it makes me so nervous huhu) u can blur/unfocus ur eyes, U Do Not See It

maintain a good rhythm with your speaking too. speak with moderate loudness and emphases for the less important, and then idiin mo in the bits na gusto mo parang mic drop moment ahfjshfa (which is usually saved best for the latter portion of an argument, but good to pepper it in as well thru the whole thing with ur most important pieces of info)

tho ofc thats all only on the public speaking bit. if im remembering correctly, high school debate does also rely heavily on the research/outline stuffs u have to do prior to the debate, and for that, i have less advice huhu. im not all that great of a researcher, but as long as uve got ur reputable sources all arranged well, oks na yan!

i feel like at this point i shld tell u that in high school, medj patapon ako na estudyante, basta pumasa ako, ok na yan sakin JHVJSHFVKDSJHFKS

that being said, pls take all my advice w a grain of salt, ha! because what works for me might not work for you. everybodys got different methods of speaking, researching, choosing degrees and careers. but even if what i said doesnt match what wld work for u, i hope ur main takeaway na lang is that u can do whatever u want in whichever way works best for you

anyway, thats all ive got to say for now! i hope smthng here could be of use and that you have a great week, anon :'D

(P.S. WAAHH, THANK U FOR UR KIND WORDS ON MY LUKE COSPLAY :DDD!! i got the wig secondhand for a steal price HAHA and......yes, you are taller than me, im 5'1" JHVJSHDFVKSDJHFVDSKJHFDSKJJKHVKJH)

#asks #anon #ANG DAMI KONG SINABE HSFKJSSFGJH i hope smthng here can help tho <3

[itonje]

hey sexy stranger who is not me would you like to talk about therese

hello sexy stranger who is not me i WOULD like to talk about therese aka theresa but i changed her name a little bit cause it didnt sound like. idk french enough

anyways therese florien is louis florien (oc)'s younger sister and also the last monarch of the northern empire (actually when she became queen she was the last monarch of just the north because the south and the west had broken off by that point but we'll get to that).

in the main story, 20-30 years after all these events ill be telling later take place, samira and the rest of the continent know her as 'The Coward Queen/Tea-time Queen' because she only ruled for a couple days and immediately forsook the throne when the southern and ko'bi army approached the capital. currently, she resides in the florien ancestral home (summerhead) on the northern continent, and she's converted the castle into both a prayer place and a place where travelers and vagabonds and so on can stay for safety. and she's basically become like a priestess . long long long backstory under the cut

anyways . the first we know of her is that she's louis' younger sister, she's very religious, she's very timid, and she's very close to her father gareth...there are reasons for the last two that have to do with her late mother lorete. so like. louis is a sorcerer which lorete discovered when he was just a child (northern sorcerers are believed to be willingly practicing dark magic against their religion or whatever) and the florien family is already in some deep shit with the royal family (tldr floriens used to be the royal family, were deposed and murdered and so on and also gareth pissed off his cousin back when they were in their twenties or whatever, this will all be relevant later) and so lorete knew that her son would be taken away/the family wld be punished or whatever adn devoted all her attention towards her son and towards concealing his magic from everyone, including his father.

and when she gives birth to therese, her attention is still all lazer focused on louis, and gareth, who doesn't know why she's ignoring her in the first place basically raises his daughter alone up until lorete dies of an outbreak of plague or whatever when therese is four and then he's raising the eight year old louis AND therese alone. therese's timidity comes from both the paranoia her mother exuded when she was little, lorete's death, the fact that when she was young she saw a jousting accident involving her father in which a man died. her piousness comes from the fact that the only thing she really did when she was younger was pray and read while her father was out doing knightly duties (cough cough colonizing) and it provided an outlet for her to vent her emotions ab her upbringing

also, there's a conspiracy the floriens were involved in with a couple other families set up by gareth's grandmother to restore the florien family on the throne (re: louis would become king when the time came) so like even then everyone always gave her brother attention over her because they were convinced he would be king and she was just the second child they didn't care about. in this world like women are as eligible to inherit and own land just as much as men btw louis was just the eldest

anyways because of her very like. kind of stuck up religious nature, her fear, and because the floriens are already kind of pariahs her first friends are just louis' friends, charicle elaphin (the elaphins are a family close 2 the floriens) and the strange iloro girl whos in training to be a knight (kidlat, but her 'northern name' is claire), but they get along very well, making a little sort of friend group.

as the years get on, therese really keeps herself busy just by taking care of her, who's very infirm, and reading more theological stuff (like by her hero, her ancestor aveline florien who was a priestess and religious reformer) and even writing a bit of her own stuff. to the outside world though, her interiority is looked down upon and royal family supporters (ie, against the floriens) even spread rumors about her, like that she's a secret sorcerer or something (the florien family has always had accusations of sorcery flung against them, little do they know there is a witch in her family but it's her brother who's actually the sorcerer)

we mostly either see her thru the perspective of kidlat, who likes her but feels a bit alienated to her like how kidlat feels alienated by everything northern, or louis who is like. apathetic towards her like he feels some affection for her because they're siblings of course but he's not really close to her and he thinks her piousness is self righteous and finds her deep fear and timidity unpleasant to deal with...tho, his greatest resentment towards her comes from the fact that he's always felt his father has preferred her over him (he does btw. like louis isn't wrong lol)

anyways the royal family sets up a wedding for her because louis refuses to be married, and claims this is out of love for their cousins, but this is just really a ploy to royally piss off gareth by taking his other child away from his household (something they already did to louis), and therese is um. well she's very angry and upset about this, which louis (and no one else, except for her father ofc) doesn't realize until the day of her wedding when he's getting her ready. she doesn't want to leave her father and summerhead, she wants to devote her life to the Goddess instead of some random husband, and she, like the rest of the floriens incl louis feels very humiliated and cheated by the way she's being treated when she has the right to the throne, when she and co should be in charge....this surprises louis because. he didnt know other people had feelings. also at some point therese wants to ask charicle to marry her instead because he's very religious as well and he's gay so neither of them would have pressure to feel love for the other, but louis tells her to not do that by saying oh well he's half western you're a florien almost-princess which convinces her to not do that

anyways she does get married to this guy, and has a kid (eventually), but continues to constantly visit her own family and gareth dies of like. natural causes or whatever (also stress because of louis being a cunt asshole or whatever and therese leaving him and colonizer guilt and a bad leg infection and honestly the man had a lot going on tbh) which really really bums her out, louis also yells at her because again, poorly hidden resentment over his father's preferential treatment of her which makes her even more upset

also later on when the king is dying she tries to pray for him at his bedside but the queen, who again, does not like the floriens, gets mad, calls her a witch and devil or whatever whos killing him, tries to beat her etc, and finally therese has had it she's HAD it and her big joker breaking point moment is. throwing a shoe at the queen and calling her a 'very godless lady'

anyways later later after aeetes (yeah remember him) kills prince edouard, who was about to be crowned king, and the west, galvanized by the south breaking off and the death of the Sort of King, breaks off as well and starts waging war against the northern forces, the remaining northern lords are like. well shit. whos going to be in charge. maybe the floriens again? but..... louis has already ran off chasing after the deserter kidlat (and unbeknownst to everyone, has died in a tragic mysterious Axe Murder Accident) so the crown goes to...you guessed it....therese! anyways she's crowned, only of the north, which is the only nation the crown has juristiction over at this point, but when the southern and ko'bi forces annihilate the remainder of the loyal northern knights (many northern families have tried to start their own factions to try to reconquer the continent, even fighting each other..this is not working) and move up to take the throne a couple days afterward, her deep fear that she's always carried with her leads to her immediately forfeiting the crown and running away....

i wrote a little something from her perspective on her coronation, basically she believes that the goddess has put this in her hands for a reason, she believes and knows she's truly the heir to the great florien kings and queens, she's apathetic towards the (supposed) death of her brother because um. the way he treated her for all of her life, though she does feel a great emptiness now that he's gone, she wishes her mother and father were there to see her, but there's always that. undercurrent of anxiety and uncertainty she's always had. so you can kind of see what she eventually does coming from a mile away

#finny.txt #asks #ocs

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

#its me the mun #unconcerned ramblings #i know ive said that there are a lot of new blogs popping up #but uhhh i dont really dare to interact with them #considering they kinda did come in just when shit had hit the fan n idk i might have been known as The Problematic Blog tm #so i understand if ppl dont want to interact with me n im fine with it. so for now i wont be initiating anything #like dropping asks into inboxes unless i know the mun n theyre comfortable with me doing this #i will interact with everyone who drops by my inbox tho!! #i also tend to get to replies for other blogs faster than general replies cos i feel bad if i kept the other person waiting for too long #I DO forget about rp replies sometimes tho. sometimes #i try my best to get to every one of them tho. even when im kinda busy this period aha #also starting off is actually easy. its about maintaining thats difficult i feel #which is also why i havent done up a genshin ask blog yet HAHAHAHAHA #i really hate to give up on something ive already started when it comes to art projects so

[misterbitches]

So I LOVE the trope of unrequited love in romance. Anyway I like this line because this is sort of interesting and important.

 Frankly to MOI it is cowardly (and this isnt a bad thing; all our good strengths are also bad and some of the things we do in times of stress or as a reaction to our mental whatever isnt great! It's fine) to stay in that type of love so long. But it is soooo comforting to be uncomfortably still. Your identity is this thing you have been using as almost a crutch. Except that is soooo bad because stuff like this happens.

My fav trope in this is that the person on the receiving end of the love (but not being love bombed which is a fine line) comes to realize how much they love the other person. However CONFLICT! Because now they have this person. They have what  they want. what they thought they wouldnt get or didnt deserve or something equally as sad and not self-serving. it’s selfish in all the waysy that you are intentionally ignoring yourself! be selfish for you! seriously! anyway so now the other person now has to pave their way TRULY thinking about themselves. Where Shu Yi spent years developing with his friends, GSD had more responsibility. A focus on like everything but an emotional self idk.  Which is fine whatever the story goes through this that’s not my point.

Now that you have put such a stock in someone pretty selflessly and sadly and just all kinds of girl WYD right, how could you possibly be secure in them wanting you? I’ve yet to see this not come up in this trope (even if it’s not done well) because it’s pretty much built into the story. 

and i really like that conflict because it shows us that the character who has all thsi love to give actually managed to cultivate their own life while thinking of this person as a prize that they could get if theyre good enough. but the pain of knowing that’s not how it works. 

now that we’re all over the hump (i could talk about the stupidity of miscommunication but whatever lmao) i’m not as mad at his dumb fuckin decisons (gsd) cos im like well yea. you would be insecure. the person with the perceived most love is the most unsure of the thing they claimed to have wanted the most. and I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEE IT especially ESPECIALLLLLLLLY when the noble idiocy trope comes from the person who was in love and they literally underesstimate how anyone could love them back as hard and it ends up being super hurtful to the other person because it shows the insecurity and how their love was also a mirage bc they used it. 

shin hye sun is in this weekend drama from 2017? she’s this teacher and she gets together with this famous golfer. i LOVE them together. he ends up falling for her and chasing her because she’s like (run, duck, cover, run lmao) and also in...unrequited love with his brother. and at one point all the familial mixups are revealed (it’s a lot i love it!) and she gets extremely upset at the problems at first but then at the fact that he couldn’t tell her what happened and they couldn’t figure it out together. it’s like seeing “i love you just as much, how can you not see that?: and having the person realize just how fucking sad and weird it is to live your life the way you have with this idea in your head. i love jealousy incarnate for that reason too (but also im a GHJ and JJS stan.) it’s just so GOOOOD being unsure and ufcked up about it.

 not that his life is regretful just that the love you had wasnt exactly real for you and wasnt really going to be real for you? so now that it is you have to manage your real expectations in the NOW not that projection. 

i would honestly be so furious at gsd in general but also with this added layer. because you don’t give a choice to your partner (do not take away my free will i will scream) and then the partner is like “uHHHHHHHH ok so this is what we call a relationship and i know you may not know what that means but part of it is that i, too, share your feelings and would like to be privvy to the decisions you make on our behalf. i do not appreciate the implication that you can’t trust my love. if you could revise thank you.” that makes your partner feel shitty too! like the idea that they will leave you in the lurch can’t boost the confidence of the person who is begging you to accept it back and trust it. understand it. so yea in his mind it wasnt enough or true and it makes sense and this is why we have to teach children to not have idols and stuff. i coudlnt do this it would be so much pressure to do. even loving someone i think is awesome woudl jsut be too painful. i know i wouldnt be able to handle it. theyre young and he probably couldnt deal with the intense feelings of it all. i just feel like i would constantly be worried about love and in the shadows and unless i’m prepared to really work through that and deal with it, which even at my age im not sure i could, then i have to evaluate it.

but man i love the idea of it getting all confusing and mixed up. about the person actually loving you for you and not your projection so the outputs are different. it’s really fun to see this person deprive themselves and finally be fulfilled. of course i do not think a romantic partner is the end all be all but as finding companionship is huge it will be a facet. it kind of kills several birds with one stone because it really forces you to see people as individuals. it’s a conflicting message and it’s great to watch unfold and it is satisfactory. it is! people arent prizes but it’s good. love

like this whole thing has some stupid writing in it imo but it makes sooooooooooo much sense hearing/seeing that line. dude you just had nom idea honestly. we live in our heads and fantasies to help us pull through but what h appens when we really have to put our feet down on the ground? when you attain it after being so fearful and cowardly to not pursue, you know? we all know that feeling. gotta get with the TIMES MAN we live in a a pantene pro v go for it

#a love off #nah but rly man #we best love #we best love fighting mr 2nd

[bobcathoneybee]

that’s some next level catering to a yt person. reasons will become more clear as we go along for the ride. esp hurtful bc of everything going on in the last year alone. twinkie never rang more true until this year. 

one. around xmas 2020:

“whatre you doing for nye”

“oh im going out to a small gathering”

“oh with who?”

“I DONT HAVE TO TELL YOU”

“whoa. okay...” 

i was just asking since he NEVER wanted to go out to anything related to NYE in the five years. the reply was always, “YOU can go, i will be at home.” so see how i can be confused? also the spanish/grapes tradition? what happened to never not doing it? “oh last year really sucked so i dont see how doing it will help” cop out. 

two. NYE to ring in 2021:

“how does this look?”

“i think you should button it, looks more put together”

little did i know i was helping him dress to impress new girl. that in itself was just rude and so disrespectful to me. if you’re going to see someone new. figure it out yourself. 

a few days later he decides to finally tell me bc he knows he’s been acting so damn weird. but i dont think it’s bc he respects me too much (his rationale). i actually think it’s bc he feels guilty, and telling me will make HIM feel better, which was the driving factor for the previous Oct when he was not letting me pay for packing supplies and helping me pack. “it’s time (for me to start dating again)... weren’t you dating someone when you asked me about the boat noodles?” “NO. i was talking to someone and it was ONE date, which conveniently fit in the schedule while on my way home.”

three. a week before my bday:

“how was your weekend? what did you do?”

“oh K and family drove down in an RV so i was at my parents’ house”

“you went over both days?!”

“yeah”

“did you take pics of the RV or with family?”

“no” 

in retrospect, i wonder if she was intro’d to the whole family that weekend. esp after seeing the pics from first friends gathering a few weeks later (two down).

sometime this week, he tells me that he’s thinking of taking june 1 off bc he wants to take me out to lunch for my bday. my bday is 5/31. so i’m like huh, cos it’s the day after. it’s the weekend. he doesn’t like to talk to ppl on the weekend. 

four. my birthday:

bcb calls me in the morning but i miss it bc i wasn’t up yet. i called back at 230p or so and he doens’t pick up. calls me back around 430p and says he was at a bbq with some friends. 

i believe this was when my spidey senses started tingling again. i bit my tongue and didn’t ask during lunch the next day bc it would make for such an awkward ride home. and me thinking oh he spent my actual birthday with new girl. i see. 

five. convo from last week:

“whatre you doing this weekend?”

“oh i’m getting together with the guys bc it’s the first time we’re seeing each other since the pandemic started”

“ohh okay tell them i said hi!”

BET HE DID NOT TELL THEM I SAID HI. *side eye

six. social media that night, pics happened to pop up as i was doom-scrolling:

bcb likes to untag himself in things so i duno if R tagged him at all or if it was removed after he received the tag notif so that i wouldn’t see it. 

either way, i was hit in both places since it’s posted on more than one platform. 

wasn’t sure if they were still dating until i saw the pics. was finally able to put a face to the name. the name bc someone mentioned it to me thinking i knew her first AND last name. how absurd. why would i know this bit of info to begin with? maybe bcb needs to be more clear with what he’s telling his sibling about his dating life and how that relates to how he’s treating me. 

seven. thursday, 6/17:

convo #1: in the afternoon - 

“hey whatre you doing friday?”

“i’m not sure yet, why?”

“i’m having lunch with a family friend, thinking i could stop by (before my family dinner) since i’ll be in the area.”

“oh i was thinking of going to my parents house but i haven’t decided yet.”

“oh, okay”

convo #2: on my way home from dinner in the city - 

“did you decide if you’re going to your parents house tmrw?”

“i’m probably going to hang out with some friends”

“oh okay.”

realized “friends’ is codeword for new girl. 

oddities in behavior:

bought a new bike even tho he won’t use the rowing machine he purchased last summer that is LITERALLY sitting in his apt, doesn’t even need to go outside and see ppl. how many more times will he use it? not sure. it depends on how much how big the drive in proving me wrong is for this sort of thing. 

watches hockey now. NEVER watched it before nor was he super interested. seems like he picked it up recently so there’s something to talk about if nothing else. (after breaking his NYE tradition)

went to a playoff game on a WEEKDAY. HE NEVER did that. to DRIVE to LI on a weekday for that sort of thing. complained that the tix were exp ($200+ each). and i’m like then why did you get them? “well they’re for the playoffs” “oh i didnt think you even liked hockey” i’m going to guess he paid for it bc someone wanted to go, and a topic they can connect on. 

for trips and tickets to things, i usually split down the line and exclude a trip dinner or a few smaller things bc he says he got it and would like to pay for it. not sure yt ppl would offer to pay back in general. it’s an asian thing to offer/not let others always cover no matter how generous we know them to be. it’s to “not take advantage” bc we know better. and it’s considered rude to have someone else pay all the time. 

at this point, it’s the emotional part that i’m supplementing (if it’s a missing piece) bc i have no idea if hes ever talked to her in regards to concerns about his life in general or if he’s still putting up some facade and only wants her to see the presentable side.

he didnt do his usual NYE tradition of the grapes this year on top of GOING OUT to something with other ppl present. he would rather invite ppl over to his place and provide entertainment and food instead of ever going out there. that is MAJOR.i cannot even begin to explain how impt doing this is to him. but not doing it and bending over backwards already. he NEVER misses the grape thing during the countdown no matter how “bad” a year may be. it’s like him having to watch it’s a wonderful life before xmas every year. it’s a thing he does NOT miss. 

maybe it’s a mid-life crisis thing, like buying the car and then sort of regretting it bc it’s another thing to pay for so therefore has to stay at his job longer. btw, there were weird crumbs in the crevices of the front passenger seat the day after my birthday (when he picked me up), and then the whole actually voluntarily hanging out with ppl for a change. he absolutely hates being around ppl, yet he’ll do it for her. i’m sensing a pattern here for how he treats and changes for yt girl vs me and i didn’t even plan that many outings with my own friends for him to go to, max once every half year for a triple date. 

but again, it’s like when we broke up, he removes things he can control when he’s super stressed. job he cannot control so the next thing to remove was me bc he can control that. now he’s finally thinking of leaving current job bc he has a sufficient amount saved. guess who helped him itemize and estimate his sinking and emergency funds? such a clown. 

i’m done. i can’t do this anymore. it’s taking a toll on my mental health. all this walking on egg shells all the time when we speak on the phone/FT on every single workday/weekday. what C said about the situation rings true. i hope it happens. <^>

this brings me back to something i posted on my finsta:

“if you have to choose between me and her, choose her. because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.”

[astralaffairs]

freedom of the press 04 | thomas jefferson

 title: freedom of the press

pairing: thomas jefferson x reader

tags: @stargazelaurens @ivory-haired-queens @exoticxchicken8 @assbuttstyles777 @superbarriobrothers @distinguishedpotsticker @fukaaaaaaaa @hereforthepsyche-assessment @ivetoldamillionlies @fangirl570 @thealaddinkid @lasciviouspeach @snazzydoesthings @shy-and-awkward-daveed @rachelhermionerose @soft-weeb-s @gryffinclxw @anamrnk @daveeddiggsit @ayayayayana @marinovakovich --- hope i didnt miss anyone; lmk if you want to be added!!

words: 13.5k

warnings: this still doesn’t go past, like, pg-13, but careful around the end -- it isn’t quite sfw even tho its not rlly nsfw. also, neo-nazi mentions, the loml monica lewinsky mentions, bunny slippers & flaming hot cheetos (hope yall can handle it gettin SPICY 🔥)

desc: you’d just moved to d.c. full time, a promotion at your publication leading to a transfer to another district chapter, and you were more than thrilled to be there, more than ready to immerse yourself in the world of politics. what you weren’t ready for, though, was how the campaign trail you were following made your heart flutter and your stomach turn. you also hadn’t expected it to be so… gaudy? magenta? – or perhaps, though you wouldn’t hear of it, that wasn’t the campaign’s effect at all.

Y/N SPENT THE following days, the next weeks, focusing on herself. She was letting herself get distracted, and with that, distracted by precisely the person she was supposed to be focusing on. It felt ironic, really, but she wasn't amused.

She spent time tapping her sources from and around the campaign trail, trying to establish a connection with other politicians who had been identified as potential candidates for the election, trying to expand her network beyond her small corner of the policy scene. ("The policy scene" was much bigger than she'd thought.)

She reached out to think tanks, to analysts, economists -- she was getting a little off track, but basically, she talked to everyone with no link to the name "Jefferson," despite the precise nature of her assignment.

Her stab at freedom from the now-former Secretary of State was to little avail. While he was the foundation of his campaign, there was enough else going on surrounding the election that she could dance around confronting him.

Yet, not for as long as she'd have liked.

She was knee-deep into finding the perfect person to cold call at Brookings when the crucial blow came.

"Y/N!" Her boss's perpetually peppy voice rang through the hall toward her office, and our fatigued heroine looked up with a brow raised. Ashley stopped in the doorway, appearing elated. "Guess what?"

Her eyes flashed with crazed excitement, and Y/N almost didn't want to ask what. It felt very much like a trick question.

In response to Y/N's expectant stare, silent and unmoving, Ashley sighed and entered. "You should be a lot more excited when I come running down to your office with a 'guess what,' y'know."

She sighed. "Oh, no! I'm so sorry! What ever exciting news could I be missing out on at this very moment?" Her contrived enthusiasm reeked of sarcasm, but Ashley's spirits were too high to be quashed, and she only rolled her eyes in response.

"So, you've been covering the Jefferson campaign for months, right?" Apparently she was ignoring the less-than-thrilled response. Y/N nodded. "And you were out in front of it before anyone else was, right? You know more than anyone else about his platform and history."

Grudgingly, she nodded again. "I suppose so." She was equally unexcited to claim to know Thomas Jefferson's past better than anyone else.

"And, he's projected to be the Republican frontrunner."

"The debates haven't even started, everything could change in a night," Y/N pointed out. "You know that."

"You're right, the debates haven't started." Y/N was clearly missing something. Ashley seemed to be unreasonably thrilled about the lack of pre-existing clash between the candidates. She raised a brow, and Ashley appeared to be holding back a squeal with how she was grinning. "But, the debates are only a few days from now, so, I called in an old contact from NBC, and of course, they'd heard of you--" She paused for dramatic emphasis, but the anticipation wasn't exactly killing Y/N, "And... since the Washington Post is co-sponsoring the event, they want to have you as one of the moderators for the first round of debates!"

With that, Y/N was struck silent. "They...?" She could only gape for a moment, and Ashley nodded excitedly.

"Mm-hmm. It's against precedent, but since you've become the most prominent and consistent reporter covering Jefferson the past few months, they think your input would be invaluable."

"But what about my live commentary?" she asked, still dumbstruck. Everything in her was telling her this was a bad idea; she needed to protest her way out. "I won't be able to provide as good of coverage of the debates if I'm not taking notes and writing during them. It'll hurt my articles. This is too big of an event not to write for."

She knew she was rambling, but Ashley only let out a sigh, as though Y/N was being absolutely ridiculous. "Oh, come on. Your commentary's more valuable on the spot if it can be used to grill the candidates and get Jefferson to talk."

"'Get Jefferson to talk'? This is a debate, not an interrogation." She blinked, visibly put-off. "Besides, it's not like I'd be controlling the floor. I wouldn't be doing much good anyway, and it really wouldn't get me much notice." She paused a moment, trying to gauge Ashley's reaction, and swallowed. "I think I should stick to my own territory."

"Y/N." Her tone was firm now. "This is the biggest opportunity you're going to get for people to notice you as a political journalist. It wasn't easy to get you this position, and besides, you're perfectly equipped for it. You've spent hundreds of hours by now researching the issues, contacting think tanks for different perspectives on them, contrasting Jefferson with the other candidates, and..." She took a thoughtful pause. "And I can't even scratch the surface of what you've been spending all this time on. If anyone should be moderating, it should be you. This isn't the time for cold feet."

Ashley had begun monologuing, and Y/N knew right there that there was no getting out of this job. It's not about getting cold feet, though, Y/N thought, I can do it, easily. What Ashley didn't know, though, was that there was more there.

The growing pause following her boss's speech was heavy with expectation, and finally, Y/N sighed, knowing she didn't actually have a choice in the matter if she cared to keep her job.

"Fine. Should I book myself a hotel in Detroit?"

"Don't bother. It'll come out of company funds; it's the least we can do."

She sighed, turning back to her computer, closing the tab she'd just opened. "Michigan, here I come."

_______________

THAT CONVERSATION HAD taken place Monday, and, as Y/N later realized, the first round of debates were that Wednesday, so she had approximately 48 hours to pack, fly, and get situated in Detroit. That evening was a whirlwind -- Ashley texted her that the flight the WaPo had booked her left at 10:00 on Tuesday morning, she immediately began her frenzied packing. Which, in turn, brings us once again to the apartment, filled with Y/N's anguish, the hair she was tearing out with stress, and clothing strewn over the carpet's full surface area.

"What do I wear, Ang? I'm gonna be on national TV, I need to look good but so, so, so professional," she wailed, looking up at her friend who was perched on the edge of her bed. Angelica gave her a sympathetic look.

"You're overthinking it, honey," she said, "No one's worried with what you're wearing, alright? It's what you say, not what you look like."

"But I'm..." She sighed, arms going slack along with the three different dresses she'd been holding up to the light, shoulders slumping. "I dunno, it's just the first time I'm gonna be that clearly in the public eye. When I'm writing I can just hide behind the words."

"The time for hiding's over." Angelica pushed herself off the edge of the bed, joining Y/N in the garment tsunami that threatened to claim her furniture. "You got the spot with the debates because people wanna hear from you, so pick an outfit. Doesn't matter which."

"But it does." Y/N looked over at her weakly, everything in her expression reading dejected, from her furrowed brow to her little pout. Angelica gave her a pointed look, and she huffed. "I just... It's not only the public, y'know? I'm also up with all the famous newscasters and the fucking Republicans, for God's sake."

"Since when do you care what Republicans think of you?"

"I..." She hesitated, considering herself. Angelica made a good point -- since when did she care? "I don't, really. I just don't want to look bad on national TV on my first gig where I'm... visible."

She pursed her lips, praying the issue wouldn't be pushed further.

Finally, Angelica huffed, beginning to pick through the pile of Y/N's clothes, seemingly resigned to the angst that deciding one outfit had apparently proved to be. With a sigh, Y/N slumped against the footboard of her bed, her dejected stare meeting the multicolored flood piling around her ankles. She carded a hand through her now-disheveled hair as she checked her phone, unable to stifle a grin at her Twitter notifications coming from all different corners of the political compass -- not to mention, now, John Adams. Her recent article on Jefferson's voting history was blowing up.

She began to respond to a tweet, nails tapping frantically against her phone screen, and though she couldn't see it, Angelica raised an eyebrow.

She let out a soft giggle as she read another response to her post: this time, the successive Secretary of State, his voice being behind her loud and clear. The feedback on her writing was only making her progressively giddy. Her smile curled with self-content, though, as she saw James Madison's message about her post, sent directly to her. Angelica raised another eyebrow.

"Y/N?" Angelica's tone bordered on cagey as it cut through Y/N's laser focus. She looked up, eyes wide. "The concerns about your outfit wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the Jefferson campaign, right?"

"Well, of course they do." She blinked, unable to place the intent behind the skepticism heavy in Angelica's words. "It's the only reason I have this gig, anyway."

Angelica pursed her lips; apparently, that hadn't been quite what she was asking. "Would it have anything to do with a specific person from the Jefferson campaign?"

Y/N paled. All-too-vivid memories of the state dinner that was now months past fought their way to the forefront of her mind -- her attempts to curb them hadn't been in vain till Angelica popped the question. "I'm sorry?"

The pause that followed as Angelica examined Y/N's look of near-panic was anything but silent, both their trains of thought threatening to derail themselves with conjecture. Angelica took in a shuddering breath.

"I just mean..." Y/N could hardly bear to meet Angelica's wary gaze. "D'you have a thing for James Madison?"

The next beat that passed was simply stunned. Y/N could hardly conceal her laughter in a huff; she had to swallow her amusement, every nerve in her body immediately relaxing.

"What did you just ask me?" She shook her head, small grin breaking out across her lips as her shoulders slumped. Angelica didn't look so sure. "I am not lusting over James Madison, Ang. He's literally married."

"Marriage isn't forever, babes." She pinned her with a skeptical stare, to which Y/N could only laugh.

"I swear to you, Angelica. You will at no point see me trying to jump James Madison's bones."

"So why'd you react how you did when I asked you about the Jefferson campaign, hm?" Angelica folded her arms, plainly unconvinced, and Y/N's breath caught. She'd supposed she was off the hook.

"What do you mean?" Y/N wished the question hadn't come out so breathily.

"Y/N," Angelica started, exasperated, "You've been messaging Madison on Twitter. You've met him multiple times and have spent your fair share of hours detailing to me each of the times you've met. You were just giggling at something he sent you." She was fully deadpan by then. "You don't need to hide it, I just want you to talk to me 'bout it."

"I promise, it's not that I'm in love with Madison." Y/N's smile as she returned to packing was meant to have been placating, but functioned as anything but. She needed to get back to packing before Angelica could press the matter. "Blue or green dress?"

"Don't change the subject!"

"I'm not, but I'm gonna be on a plane in twelve hours!" she said, "I need to finish packing."

"So there's no ulterior motive to how you're approaching the Jefferson campaign?"

For a moment just long enough to evoke doubt, Y/N paused. She wasn't inclined to reminisce on the last time she'd actually talked to anyone from the Jefferson campaign, but her psyche had other priorities. A nearly undetectable chill ran down her spine -- she could still feel his heavy hands trailing down to her hips, hot breath brushing over her cheek; she could even feel the sculpt and contour of his body as it pressed against hers, muscles rippling under his stiff button-down. Her skin burned still where rough calluses had grazed her neck.

"There's no ulterior motive, Ang." She wanted her words to be true, fighting back a shudder as she bottled up the memory. "I swear."

Angelica didn't look convinced.

________________

ABOUT TEN HOURS, a mildly annoying trip through TSA (the Post had paid for her pre-check, otherwise she'd have been less forgiving of the experience -- and the line), and two hours on a plane later, she rolled into her hotel lobby in Michigan, small suitcase dragging behind her. She knew she wasn't exactly a sight to see, just off a plane at noon in her socks and sandals, her oversized sweater. She certainly wasn't feeling as high-end as her hotel appeared to be.

The high ceilings, crown molding, and arched entryways all reeked of wealth, not to mention that the space was crawling with men and women in sharp suits, appearing as though they were on the verge of being willing to cut anyone who held them up for a moment too long. She shifted her weight uncomfortably from one Birkenstock to the other, waiting for the manager to return to the front desk so that she could check in. As she warily eyed the man marching through with a clipboard, aggression in each step, she had to wonder why the Washington Post had decided to drop here there, of all places.

She would've loved to disappear into her sweater, at that moment.

The manager returned to her position, looking just as sleek and professional as everyone else there, and Y/N's appearance seemed to give her pause. "Can I help you?"

"Hi, yes, I'm here to check into my hotel room for the next three nights." She gave the manager her warmest smile in an effort to diffuse some of her tense nature, but it was to no avail. "I'm here with the Washington Post, but I think it should be under the name L/N?"

Y/N waited a moment, trying to roll some of her post-travel soreness out of her shoulders as the manager typed away at the computer before her. She creased her brow, frowning for a moment. "Y/N?"

"That's me," she said, enthusiasm weak in her voice.

"Alright, you're up in room 569, so let me get you your key." She paused, rooting through drawers as her coworker appeared next to her, apparently taking a post at the next laptop over. She looked back up. "Alright, you should be all set," -- she slid the keys across the counter to Y/N -- "but it's still early, and I'm not sure your room's been checked out of quite yet. Excuse me for a moment to go see about that."

Before Y/N could say another word, she was gone, and Y/N let out a heavy sigh. It'd been a long 12 hours, and all she wanted was a proper bed and a nap. It seemed rest wasn't what the universe had in mind for her, though.

She began checking her Twitter while she stood in wait, paying no mind to the energetic bustle of who she'd worked out to be politicians and the like, given the snippets of conversation she'd picked up standing there; however, tuning out became significantly more difficult when a familiar voice sounded next to her.

"Yes, only the next three nights. The room is registered for the surname 'Madison'." If she couldn't guess from his voice, his words were a dead giveaway. She looked up, and sure enough, there was the man himself. Well, shit.

Not only was she painfully opposed to having to interact with him in her near-pajamas and slipper socks, feeling like the biggest mess she'd ever been, but she also knew that where he was, Jefferson wasn't far behind.

She immediately busied herself with something, anything on her phone, facing down and away from him in the hope that he wouldn't notice her. She'd just pulled up a scintillating article on diabetes in labradors, when--

"Y/N?" The man at the desk helping him had disappeared when she reluctantly turned to face him -- busying himself with something other than helping protect her from social interaction, apparently. James, however, looked all but amused.

"Hey, James." She did her best to return the positive sentiment he perpetually seemed to give off, but she knew it came out weaker than intended. "Should I assume I know what brings you here?"

"Should I assume that it'd be the same thing that brought you here?" He quirked an eyebrow, unable to resist eyeing her outfit. She sighed.

"That might be fair," she conceded, small smile resting on her lips. "Is the campaign all ready for the first round of debates?"

He laughed; not a polite chuckle, but a full-bodied laugh, as though he couldn't believe the question. "Something like that. We've prepared Thomas as many talking points as we could think he might need, but I'm worried the moderators--" He gave her a pointed look, wearing a knowing smile, "--may end up grilling him regardless."

A wry smile crept onto Y/N's face. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"Word travels fast, especially from the Washington Post's Twitter account."

"You really are always one step ahead, hm?"

"You're the one with the questions, last I checked."

"Well, I'm sure your campaign will be thrilled to hear them -- following you is why I got the gig, anyway." She only shrugged, despite the self-content etched into her grin.

"Oh, really?" Amusement was deep-set in his smile.

She nodded. "I'm forever grateful."

"Grateful enough to go easy on Thomas?"

"Not quite," she laughed, "When following his campaign makes me my first million, then we'll talk."

"Sounds like we'll have to step it up, then."

"Running on a deadline, James," she warned him in a singsong voice, folding her arms.

"We'll win you over by the end." He grinned, turning back to the woman at the desk, handing her his credit card, and shot Y/N a sly glance. "Thomas has always loved a challenge."

Her stomach turned at his words for reasons she couldn't explain, amused smile faltering for only a moment as James slid his card back into his wallet and tucked it into his coat pocket. James raised an eyebrow at her silence, her moment of hesitation.

To her delight, that was the moment the concierge returned, wearing a wide (and contrived, but that was how customer service was) smile, stepping back up to the desktop Y/N stood before.

"Alright, your room should be all set, Ms. L/N." She returned to quickly tapping at the keyboard, before pulling out a number of brochures. "These are for room service and the various hotel amenities. Our pool is on the second floor, gym is on the third along with the spa, meeting rooms are on the fourth, and the business office is on the fifth, fully equipped with desks and printers." She hesitated, glancing with disdain down at Y/N's choice of travel outfit. "Are... you here on business? Or... ?"

As she trailed off, Y/N sighed, returning the less-than-candid customer service smile. "Yes, I am, actually. Thanks so much for everything."

She nodded. "Alright! Don't hesitate to come let us know if there's anything else you need. There will always be someone here to help you."

"Perfect." She turned back to James as she folded up the brochures, shoving them into the side pocket of her purse. "Well, sounds like I'll be seeing you around, then."

"Thomas and I look forward to it."

Then, the automatic doors of the lobby slid open, and a rush of cold air, as well as a grand entourage, made their way in, catching both of their attention. "Well, speak of the devil."

At that, Y/N realized exactly why there was such a crowd, and it became immediately clear why the Washington Post had chosen that hotel to set her down in, among the countless in the area. Thomas Jefferson had just entered, along with a bustling crowd of Secret Service and reporters, all orbiting him like he was the sun. He wore a broad grin, laughing and shaking hands, and Y/N stared for decidedly a moment too long, longer yet than James had. Her breath caught as Thomas looked over at her, and she found herself frozen, rooted to the spot, his gaze locked on hers.

Thomas, too, was stunned when she caught his eye. His pause was minuscule enough to be unnoticeable, hardly a fleeting glance that even Y/N didn't think anything of, but his self-consciousness couldn't let it go in that moment. His smile faltered for a moment, softening to become small, apologetic, and certainly more sheepish than it'd ever been, all the teasing self-content drained out of it. For the first time, she returned the smile -- tense, nervous, but real.

The flash of a camera broke their gaze, and the moment ended as quickly as it came.

_______________

Y/N CRASHED ALMOST immediately into her hotel bed upon reaching her room; she'd had less sleep than she'd have liked during the past thirty-six hours, anxiety keeping her awake. She was shaken from her long-overdue nap, though, by her phone buzzing angrily next to her. She groaned as she recognized the number as belonging to Ashley, her boss, and declined almost immediately.

After that, though, despite her best efforts, her nap seemed to have ended, and much to her dismay. She made the mistake of instead opening her email, then, deciding productivity was the obvious cure for sleeplessness -- until she opened her most recent email from Ashley. (The subject line read 'IMPORTANT, IMMEDIATE, AND URGENT.' Got any synonyms for 'redundant'?)

The oversized, highlighted body text blared at her to the point where her eyes began to water, still adjusting to the light and certainly not ready to be staring directly into all the light of the sun her boss had managed to stuff into a single communication.

There's no reason to use font size 25, she thought, rather irked, and highlighting every word in bright yellow goes entirely against the point of highlighting.

She could only bring herself to skim the message, but when she did, she groaned at its contents, falling back onto her hotel bed in annoyance. Thomas Jefferson was having another campaign rally, apparently, to garner support going into the debates. And she was being prodded to attend.

It was expected to be a small ordeal; the venue was modest, and around 100 people would be in attendance, maximum. So, she went. Grudgingly, with a full 30 oz cup of coffee, and in jeans and a tank top, but she went.

She showed up just over 20 minutes before the event -- a town hall on his policy, as it turned out. She felt a bit out of place, the look she was rocking from her hiking boots to her disheveled post-nap bun not exactly screaming 'distinguished professional,' but she liked to think throwing a blazer atop the whole look saved it.

The venue was small, homey -- she'd read that it was generally used as a comedy club, but that the space could be rented out (obviously). Y/N figured the best use of her time there was to get to know Jefferson's base of voters. Who were they? What did they care about? And, most importantly, how long could they keep her occupied so she never actually had to speak with Jefferson?

The first person she met, though, wasn't exactly a supporter.

She'd tucked herself into a back corner as everyone swarmed Jefferson, who was busy giving his opening remarks, but she was content just to record them, to reserve judgment for the time being (verbally, at least). She had the audio being taped, all but absentmindedly taking notes for herself for the debates. Yet, there wasn't much substance in most of what he was saying.

"This seat taken?"

She looked up with her eyebrows raised, surprised to have been approached. What met her was the smiling face of a vaguely-familiar Democratic reporter, and eyebrow cocked in question.

"I... No! No, please sit." She smiled, motioned to the metal folding chair beside her. "We've met before, right? Ben Arnold, New York Times?"

"That's me. And it's Y/N, yeah?" He pulled out the chair, swinging a leg around it and resting his forearms on his thighs as he looked to her. "You're from the Washington Post, the one tracking Jefferson."

She sighed. "That seems to be everyone's first reaction to meeting me, hm? Jefferson's media adversary?" Her tone was joking, but there was a certain bitterness in them at her career now being irreparably tied to Secretary Jefferson. She hoped Ben didn't take it personally. "Yeah, you've got the right girl, though."

"To be fair, you've become famous for digging up info on him that no one else seems to have." He shrugged. "I've read some of your recent stuff, since we're following the same campaign; hope you know you're famous in your own right, even if it is tied to him." He nodded toward the stage with that, just as applause broke out and Jefferson began taking questions from the crowd.

She chuckled, though it was all but mirthless. "Thanks, but I'm not so sure about that. Everyone loves gossip, and they only know me because they think I'm here to dish out the dirt on Jefferson."

"Now, that's not true." She raised a brow, and he grinned. "They follow you because you knowledgeably and eloquently dish out the dirt on Jefferson."

"Oh, that's so different." She rolled her eyes, but couldn't help her laugh at his words.

"It's true!" he protested. "C'mon, there's a reason the public has latched onto your coverage and not mine."

"I dunno about that." She pursed her lips, stifling her small smile. "I've read your writing. It's really good."

"Aw, you've looked up my writing? I'm flattered." He appeared touched, though mockingly, placing a hand on his heart and plastering on an exaggerated pout, causing her to laugh.

"Well, you did give me your business card."

He sighed, nodded sagely. "Ah yes, I suppose the media circus is easily Google-able, huh?"

"What can I say, clowns recognize clowns." Her gaze drifted back toward the stage with this, turning toward Jefferson as she cast Ben a sidelong glance. The corners of her lips quirked up. "And we are all caught in this circus, too." The pointed look she gave Jefferson at that was entirely devoid of subtlety, and Ben laughed.

"Are you claiming Jefferson as part of our circus? A bold move, Y/N."

"Good point, good point." She leaned back in her chair with a grin. "So what are we, then? Consumers taking advantage of free entertainment?"

"I dunno, we're making money off this circus." He pursed his lips. "Shit, what d'you call the people who like, run the circus?"

Her eyes widened in amusement as she looked back over at him. "What, we're the ringmasters?"

"Yeah, yeah, exactly!" She couldn't keep herself from laughing at that, the idea of Jefferson as a circus freak or a traveling sideshow too comical to entertain. He cracked a grin as well, unable to take himself seriously. "C'mon, hear me out -- he's up there playing the fool, and we're making the big bucks off of it, hm?"

"Fair enough," she conceded, grin now chronic and apparently contagious. "Anyway, what're you here for? Just general info from the town hall, or looking for something specific?"

"Well, I figured this was my chance to question Jefferson before the debates, y'know?" He nudged Y/N at that. "Or can I just pass my questions off to you for tomorrow, since I've heard you're moderating now?"

She sighed. "Word really does travel fast when Jefferson's name is attached, huh?"

"Or it's because your name's attached." She gave him a skeptical look, and he held up his hands defensively. "I'm serious! People care about what you have to say now, y'know? Given, it is about his campaign, but really, it's your take on the next election that they want -- it's no longer just about him."

Y/N had to pretend her chest wasn't swelling with pride at that. Perhaps he was just feeding her ego, talking her up because he wanted to be able to use her for sources, but it was nice to hear regardless of the motive behind it. Her small smile grew. "Well, thanks, I guess. I'll certainly take it."

"You should." He looked like he was about to continue, but his following sentence was broken off by a sudden uproar of excitement. Hollers, cheers, and applause sounded loudly from the center of the room, and they both looked over to see Jefferson exiting the podium, moving down to begin talking to the voters there to see him, and Y/N sighed.

"Guess we'd better get a move on if we want anything out of this event."

"I suppose so." He huffed as he lifted himself out of his chair, and Y/N immediately followed suit, tucking her laptop into her bag. "You headed to talk to Jefferson?"

"Nah, actually." Her gaze darted through the room as she tried to find where to begin. "Just tryna find out what his supporters care about for the election. Needa know what points I need to drive home tomorrow at the debate." He nodded, and she cocked an eyebrow. "Care to join me?"

"Think I'll have to take a rain check, unfortunately. My editor wants direct quotes from Jefferson, and this is most of my window of opportunity." He glanced over at her with a small grin as they walked together toward the center of the room. "Come find me if you get sick of the Republicans, though. I'd be more than happy to abandon Jefferson for a cup of coffee at the place around the corner."

He winked before he made off toward where Jefferson stood, and Y/N was left stunned a moment. Shit, was he hitting on her? She couldn't help it as her eyes raked over his retreating form, biting her lip as she decided that she certainly wouldn't have minded if he was. After all, even the clowns need company in the media circus.

She didn't let herself dwell, though, but instead fixed her focus on the task at hand. She floated throughout the room for the next hour or two, meeting Ben's eye in passing here and there, receiving a wry grin. A few trends emerged from Jefferson's supporters, and they were fairly generic. Russia, China, healthcare, the crushing weight of existence and the feeling that they were running out of time, fear of the impending race war, healthcare -- y'know, the usual.

(Perhaps she'd spoken to one too many alt-righters. The fact that they were at the Jefferson town hall spoke volumes.)

A few hours deep, she checked her watch, concerned about how long this would go on, leafed through her notes trying to determine whether she had enough to just jump ship, to climb into her hotel bed, order room service, and take her pants off. She glanced back up at Jefferson warily.

Her gaze traveled lazily around the room as she decided talking to one or two more people wouldn't kill her, wincing internally even as she made the decision. She braced herself for just a few more minutes of crazy.

"Y/N!"

Oh, the voice that came from her left was melodic, sounded of angels singing, of her walking miracle saving her from the political shitshow, and she turned with a smile. Walking toward her brightly was Dolley Madison, and her brows shot up as she reached her.

"Hey, Dolley, what's up?"

"Not much." She pulled Y/N for an unexpected hug, grinning as she pulled back to look at her from arm's length. Her hands still rested on Y/N's shoulders. "Fancy meeting you here, though. What are the odds?"

"Oh, so low. Especially considering my job and your marriage, who knew we'd both end up at Jefferson's town hall?" Her tone was playful as Dolley rolled her eyes.

"Oh, don't gimme that. I'm just glad to see you."

Y/N laughed as Dolley finally pulled back, settling beside her. "Jesus; tell me about it. D'you know how many crazy voters I've had to pretend were completely normal in the past few hours. Even just your sanity is a breath of fresh air."

"Yeah, the American voter." Her smile was amused as she eyed the crowd. "Really gives you hope for the future of our country, hm?"

"Of course." Y/N laughed, tucking a hair behind her ears. "Comforting to know these are the people who determine our president for the next four years."

"I'm sure." Dolley glanced back up toward where Jefferson stood, James apparently now beside him making his way through the crowd. "Though, I do find a bit of comfort in the idea of Thomas being the one behind the wheel for the next four years."

"That makes one of us." Though Y/N's tone was joking, her words were dead serious, and transparently so. Dolley grinned as she caught her eye.

"Yeah?"

"I might be just a little bit biased." Y/N shrugged. "To be fair, I've spent the past four months digging up all the dirt there is on him, and reviving any and all skeletons in his many, many closets."

"Yeah, I gotcha. I keep up with your articles." Dolley winked, and Y/N could feel herself flush. The fact that Dolley Madison actively kept tabs on her writing felt like quite the honor. "Didn't think any of it was all that damning, though, to be honest."

"No, I agree with you." Y/N nodded reasonably, eyes fixed on Jefferson as he moved fluidly through the room, weaving between people and families, shaking hands, taking selfies. "And I'm glad it comes off that way, too. I try to keep the tone of my writing neutral, but as a journalist, I have to look at everything with a critical eye, y'know?"

"I've gotcha. I may be biased too, considering my husband is probably gonna be his running mate." Dolley grinned as she caught James's eye and waved to him. He was at the opposite end of the room, but he began walking toward them almost immediately.

"James may be what saves the ticket in my eyes, to be honest." Y/N returned the smile as he neared them, and turned to Dolley. "If not, though, is it too late to take you up on covering my therapy costs?"

She laughed, squeezing Y/N's forearm lightly. "I'll just have to hope James helps keep your sanity these next few months."

"What's that about Y/N's sanity?" James furrowed his brow as he reached them, a small smile resting on his lips, but his gaze full of concern.

The two women shared an entertained look before Y/N turned to James. "Just that when I lose it, the two of you had better find me a comfy asylum."

James's visible confusion deepened as Dolley's grin grew. "Don't worry about it, love. We were just discussing Y/N's writing about the campaign."

"Ah, so that's why you're losing your sanity?" He raised an eyebrow, and Y/N nodded in confirmation. "Then no worries, we'll find you the best therapist money can buy."

She let out a soft 'aw,' placing her hand over her heart. "When you do, I'll be sure to write an exposé on the generosity of the Madisons. You'd better be honored when I cross party lines for you two."

James grinned. "Abandoning partisanship for the Jefferson campaign? Never thought I'd see the day."

"You won't. It'll all be for Dolley." Y/N shot her a wink. "I'll throw all my weight behind Jefferson when Hell freezes over."

"You do so much for me," Dolley sighed dramatically, wiping away an imaginary tear as she squeezed Y/N's hand, pretending to be moved by her words. Meanwhile, James folded his arms, wearing a small smile.

"He'll see to it that that's sooner than you think."

________________

SHE ABANDONED JEFFERSON'S rally not long after, having no desire to breathe any more air that reeked so heavily of contrived charisma and shitty cologne, but having all the desire in the world to snuggle into her warm pajamas and pop open a bottle of hotel wine. After all, the debates didn't start for nearly 24 more hours.

She was about to pick up her nap from earlier right where it'd left off, but had first to piece together what she'd taken away from the rally and forward it over to Ashley. Not to mention the unfortunately necessary hours of preparation between her and the debates. She couldn't mess up her first run on TV. It was two hours and half a bottle of wine later that she sent off the culmination of her notes and recordings from the afternoon, and by the time Ashley emailed her back, it was nearly eight PM. After that, she resolved to spend no more than two hours writing and revising her questions for the following evening.

She groaned at the fourth email from Ashley -- she had too much criticism, but not nearly enough suggestion. If all my ideas are bad, Y/N thought, frustrated, why don't you have any better ones? After shooting her a response, she decided to take a well-deserved break.

At this point in the night, shame was a non-factor in her decisions, and she was far beyond caring if anyone down in the lobby was going to judge her tank top or bunny slippers. She just wanted whatever candy went best with shitty, five-dollar, red wine, and a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos, and she knew the hotel's food kiosk was the most convenient place to find both.

"Wait, hold the elevator!" She only really kicked into gear when turned the corner on her floor to see the elevator's doors about to close, and she really didn't have the patience left to wait for the next one down, let alone actually take the stairs. To her delight, a hand darted out against the door at her words, and they bounced back open. She breathed a sigh of relief as she finally reached them, ready to sing her mystery savior's praises -- that is, until she saw who was standing in the back of the elevator, and her eyes widened; she'd be lying if she said she didn't seriously consider braving five flights of stairs just to reach the ground floor undisturbed.

"Oh, I-- Y/N..." Jefferson's voice trailed off, surprised, as she stepped hesitantly into the elevator, keeping her distance from him even in the small space. "Hey."

"Secretary Jefferson." She only acknowledged him, not meeting his eyes as the elevator doors finally closed. He glanced over at her with an eyebrow raised at that, though, almost surprised that 'Thomas' had somehow reverted to 'Secretary Jefferson' in just the past few weeks, but he couldn't pretend he didn't know why -- that was why he didn't say a word about it, especially since they both knew, and both wanted to deny, that they couldn't help but still think about the last time they'd met. The tension was heavy in the growing silence.

She could feel his gaze over her shoulder, could see him out of the corner of her eye, but she was determined not to catch his eye, looking instead firmly down to her phone screen, responding to Angelica and Alex's texts from earlier in the day (keeping her brightness down, though, so he couldn't see those, either). She swallowed thickly as he looked back up, biting her lip as she glanced over at him. She looked back down for a moment, anxious in the deafening silence, eyes unfocused but toward her phone screen, but she figured she was safe to sneak another glance at him -- apparently, he'd made the same calculation.

She froze as their eyes met, breath catching in the back of her throat and heat rushing to her face, and he only smiled, waiting to see if she would make the next move. She was determined to ignore him, but it appeared as though she'd been caught. He held her gaze a moment as the elevator descended; it appeared she wouldn't be the first to speak.

She bit her lip, looking up at him as his eyes traveled down her form, grin widening as he caught sight of her pajama pants and slippers, and he raised a teasing brow. "Harry Potter? Really?"

She glanced self-consciously down at her Deathly Hallows pants, her face growing hotter by the second, and she looked back up at him weakly. "They're good books, okay?" she said, tone defensive as she folded her arms, fixed her gaze back on the elevator doors before them, and he chuckled.

"You won't hear me arguin' with that." He had to choke back another laugh as she rolled her eyes, letting out a nearly-inaudible huff. "Aw, c'mon, I'm just teasin'."

She scowled as she looked up at him, feeling more-than-flustered and far from entertained. "What do you want from me, Jefferson?"

He quirked up a brow at her. "Really?" He paused, seemingly in disbelief, and she shook her head blankly at him, waiting for him to continue. "We just never gonna talk about that state dinner, then?"

Her face was now burning; she couldn't meet his eye. He'd finally pointed out the elephant in the room, and for once in her career, it didn't happen to be the one that belonged to the GOP. Just the one that had decided to sit directly on her ego and crush her spirit. "I certainly wasn't planning on bringing it up."

He sighed. "C'mon, Y/N." She didn't look up. "Alright, fine, pretend it didn't happen. But I just wanted to say that--"

That was the exact moment the elevator dinged as it reached the ground floor, catching both of their attention immediately. He cut himself off as the doors began to open. As they caught sight of the numerous people standing before them in the lobby, waiting to get onto the elevator, he glanced back down at her to find her looking up at him, biting her lip but her expression unreadable.

"Some other time, Secretary Jefferson."

She exited the elevator without another word, and he did the same, although slow to follow suit. He didn't continue after her; he couldn't see the point. There was no way he'd be able to have that conversation with her in a lobby full of politicians, but his stare was still attached to her as she left. He really didn't know what to make of her -- but he intended to figure it out.

________________

THE NEXT EVENING was the first night of the debates. To be quite candid, to Y/N, nearly the entire night was a blur. She'd gotten ready with a series of emails to her boss and with Angelica on Facetime, helping her strike the perfect balance of femininity and professionalism (it'd proved to be a tough line to walk), and arrived at the venue hours early as per her official instruction. She steeled herself for the ordeal, determined to ignore any lingering tension between her and Jefferson. She had a job to do there, and she intended to do it right. After the debate, once she began to remove her microphone and slowly make her way out, she avoided him at all costs -- even if the confrontation was inevitable, with the unfortunately large overlap between their lives, it was neither the time nor the place, and she intended to put it off as long as possible.

Chatter filled the room behind her. Everyone who had shown up to watch the debates live was now slowly filing out, apart from groups here and there of stragglers or of people who wanted to approach the candidates afterward. She handed her microphone off to a tech intern with a warm smile and a 'thank you,' collecting her notes before she went backstage to retrieve her coat. (Michigan winters, she'd learned, were brutal.)

She shuffled everything back into her folder, glancing at the crowd behind her, when she caught sight of a familiar face. She furrowed her brow and squinted. She paused, considering whether to go down to greet him -- she hardly knew him, after all -- but he beat her to the punch. He waved, beckoned her over when he caught her eye, and warily, she obliged.

"Hey, it's Lafayette, right? We met at the state dinner; I'm Alex's friend, Y/N."

He grinned as she reached him, clutching her papers to her chest and extending a hand in greeting, which he took without hesitation. "Oui, I remember. It is good to see you, Y/N, although Alexander neglected to mention zat you would be moderating ze debates."

"Oh, what, didn't he tell you how important I am?" She shrugged, shaking her head with a grin as though it was obvious. "Next I'm coming for Anderson Cooper's job, just you wait."

He laughed, folding his arms as he glanced up toward the stage. "I do not doubt it for even a moment. Are you moderating again tomorrow night?"

She nodded. "Mhm. You coming tomorrow night?"

"Oui. I came all ze way to Michigan for zis; it would be a shame if I was only 'ere for one night, hm?" He raised his eyebrows, and she shrugged, nodded. He flashed her a sly grin. "Besides, since I now know zat you are going to be 'ere tomorrow, zat gives me all ze more reason to show up."

Her breath hitched a moment, before she laughed nervously, running a hand through her hair. "Ah, yes, can't miss my political commentary and passive aggression for two hours onstage. Isn't that your idea of a perfect Thursday night?"

"More or less." His smile was sharp, his gaze all but wolfish for a moment, and a chill ran down her spine before his expression softened. "Would it be against your ethics as a journalist to tell me which of ze candidates you are supporting?"

Y/N shrugged. "To be honest, I'm not a fan of any of them at the moment, but we'll see how it shakes out after the second night of debates. After all, the candidates are only human, so I've gotta find a way to look past the skeletons in their closets."

Lafayette raised a wary eyebrow, looking concerned. "Ze 'skeletons in their closets'?" he repeated, and she cracked a grin.

"Yeah, like the bad things from their past?"

He stared at her, expression deadpan. "I am from France. You will 'ave to forgive me zat we do not use murder as an idiom for all wrongdoings."

She couldn't help her laugh at that, covering her mouth with her free hand. "Cut me some slack; I've grown up with it."

He raised his eyebrows. "With murder?"

"No! With the English language!" she defended, laughing, and he couldn't stifle his grin any longer.

"My apologies, chérie. I could not 'elp myself." He held up his hands in his defense, and she rolled her eyes. "Is it safe to assume you are not voting for any of ze candidates zat 'ave murdered anyone?"

She shook her head, amused. "Yeah, that's a fair guess."

"I am glad to 'ear it." He paused a moment, grinning as he nodded to someone behind her, and she raised a brow. She glanced over her shoulder to see none other than Thomas Jefferson approaching, headed down the same stairs she'd taken to reach Lafayette several minutes before, and she groaned internally. Just her luck. Would it be rude to immediately run the moment he reached where she was standing? "Thomas! 'Ow 'ave you been?" Lafayette immediately pulled him into a hug as he reached the pair of them, greeting him like an old friend, and Jefferson pulled back with a small smile of his own.

"Gotta say, I've been worse," he said, "Especially when you weren't here. Spendin' all that time over in France, abandonin' us." He put a hand on his heart, shaking his head with a playfully mournful frown, and Lafayette rolled his eyes.

"Oui, I am sure I was sorely missed." He huffed, shaking his head, and Jefferson cracked a grin. "I left you with an open invitation to come and visit me whenever you pleased, and you never came. I did not feel particularly missed, Monsieur Jefferson."

"Ah, I'll find a way to make it up to you." He shot Lafayette a wink, and in the midst of the interaction, Y/N considered just silently slipping away. They seemed to have forgotten she was there, and if there was ever a time to escape, it was right then. She hesitated. "Though, you never came to visit me back in D.C., either," Jefferson pointed out to his friend, who scoffed, "So who's really to blame?"

"I resent ze accusation, Thomas. I was busy. I am a very important person with very important things to do, and I simply could not find ze time. I tried to visit you, but alas, ze people of France must come first." He sighed dramatically, his entire proclamation made in jest. Jefferson rolled his eyes.

"You implyin' I'm not doin' anything down in D.C.? That hurts, Laf, really."

Lafayette grinned. "Of course not."

It was then that Y/N began to back away from the pair, seemingly forgotten in their enthusiastic greeting, and she figured that she'd be able to escape without a problem. Just after she began to turn, though, Lafayette spoke.

"Ah, Thomas, you know Y/N, hm?" She froze at that. Her retreat no longer seemed as secure as it had previously. His tone was jovial as he motioned to her, and she reluctantly turned back around to face them. "Obviously, from zis," --He motioned to the stage, and Y/N met Jefferson's eyes warily-- "but ze two of you met at ze state dinner, non? With Alex?"

Jefferson seemed to be taking his cues from Y/N at that point, watching her with raised brows as she sighed, plastering on a smile as she turned to Lafayette. "Yeah. Yeah, we've met."

What followed that was a momentary silence. Lafayette had obviously detected rigidity of the interaction, but he hadn't quite figured out what to do with it, and Y/N wasn't at all inclined to force the conversation to happen. She had no interest in making small talk with Jefferson. Lafayette cleared his throat, raising an eyebrow at Jefferson, who sighed.

"Yeah, a couple of times now," Jefferson added tiredly. "State dinner wasn't the first."

"Oui? When else?"

Y/N and Jefferson shared a tired glance. The whole interaction was painfully out of character for both of them, their actions and words forced, and while neither of them seemed up to carrying the conversation, it certainly seemed Lafayette was doing his best.

"Just, through work, Lafayette. Nothing all that exciting. I've been covering his campaign for a while now, so by the state dinner, we'd already met once or twice," Y/N explained, offering Lafayette a weak smile. "Y'know, exciting stuff."

"Actually, about the state dinner." Both Y/N and Lafayette were surprised when Jefferson spoke up once again, instead of just letting the conversation entirely drop. She was concerned as to where this was going. "I just," he paused, meeting her eyes, "wanted to apologize, if I ever made you uncomf--"

"Don't worry about it, Secretary Jefferson," Y/N cut him off abruptly with a sigh before plastering on an understanding (obviously forced) smile. He raised his eyebrows. "It's fine; it was a mistake. And this really isn't the time or the place. We can... talk about this later." She huffed, clutching her papers even more tightly against her chest. Despite her best efforts, she couldn't hide how flustered she was.

He paused, searching her expression, clearly not quite believing her. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiled stiffly.

"Alright," he sighed. He made pointed eye contact with her, squaring his shoulders. His gaze was determined if not frustrated. "We will talk about this some other time. See you around, Lafayette, Y/N." He nodded to both of them, holding Y/N's gaze for just a moment too long, his expression steely. She could feel her heartbeat in her head; the hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and he turned and left. Lafayette and Y/N both stayed there a moment longer, frozen to the spot and stunned for entirely different reasons.

There was a skip, before Lafayette broke the silence.

"What happened at ze state dinner?" Lafayette asked, turning to her, but she didn't even hear him. She was still fixated on Jefferson's parting words. Her heart was in her throat as she watched him retreat. Jesus, fuck.

We will talk about this.

___________________

Twitter

@gilafayette started following you.

Y/N raised an eyebrow from where she sat on her hotel bed. The debates were only a few hours away.

@Y/N_L/N: As the second night of Republican primary debates nears, keep up with the biggest issues and the who's-who of the candidates with the Washington Post's recent article about night 1 of the debates. Join us tonight on the official live stream, co-sponsored alongside NBC, and hear it all firsthand from the candidates themselves.

Quoted article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/fakelink/clowns

@BenArnold started following you.

Replying to @Y/N_L/N: @BenArnold: or you could just read my recap, but to each their own ig

She rolled her eyes at the tweet, though smiling to herself. She considered replying to it, but then thought better of it -- his tweet was so clearly in jest, and it was too easy to misinterpret tones over the internet. She opted to like the tweet.

@JamesMdson retweeted your recent tweet.

New message from @A_Hamilton:

@A_Hamilton: wanna grill jefferson about our war debts with france tn???

@A_Hamilton: i could even write u the questions

@A_Hamilton: wait omg open it up to audience questions and claim it's from someone else if u don't wanna attribute it to urself

@A_Hamilton: Suzie from Mississippi asked: why the fuck would you decide not to engage in France's war as secretary of state, not even try to assist them when we HAD the funds and they'd just helped us in our war, and then oppose an improved centralized banking system so that we could unilaterally balance the national budget, asshole?

@Y/N_L/N: have u been drinking again

@A_Hamilton: ok ok hear me out. like he wouldn't suspect a thing!!!! he doesn't even know we're friends why would it b me

@A_Hamilton: wait shit we saw him at the state dinner

@A_Hamilton: fuck nvm just pin the question on lafayette as a bitter french diplomat

@Y/N_L/N: alex.

@Y/N_L/N: i swear to god, you are the ONLY voter THAT invested in our debt to france

@Y/N_L/N: isnt it just like a trade deficit, anyway??

@A_Hamilton: YES THATS THE PROBLEM

@A_Hamilton: he can't even deal w our relations with one of our oldest allies, he was a shitty secretary of state

@Y/N_L/N: clean up the language and ill lead the conversation there

@Y/N_L/N: it's not a completely shit idea

@A_Hamilton: ur the only reporter that matters ily

✅ Read, 5:27 PM.

@gilafayette wants to send you a message. Accept?

@gilafayette: what happened at the state dinner between you and thomas

@gilafayette: i tried to ask him but he is very evasive

@gilafayette: i am concerned about him since then

Y/N's eyes widened as she accepted the message. She'd expected it to just be dropped, for Lafayette to entirely let it go, as it truly wasn't his problem, but there she was. She raised a brow at the last message, though.

Messages to @gilafayette:

@Y/N_L/N: it was nothing important, but why are you concerned about him??

@gilafayette: he has been acting strange since we saw you

@gilafayette: he and i went for coffee and he was preoccupied for the whole time

@gilafayette: and when i tried to ask him he was being very evasive

@Y/N_L/N: it really wasn't anything monumental. hes probably preoccupied w/ the debates, don't read into it

@Y/N_L/N: have u tried just asking him what's on his mind?

@gilafayette: brb

She rolled her eyes at the message. Of course he hadn't even thought to consider the obvious solution: communication. There seemed to be a disconnect between Lafayette and the obvious, though..

Messages to @gilafayette:

@gilafayette: he says he is fine and not to worry

@gilafayette: but i worry

@Y/N_L/N: did he say what was on his mind

@gilafayette: no

@gilafayette: brb i will tell him you asked. perhaps he only does not want to talk to me.

Her pulse skipped as she read the message; her eyes widened. Shit.

@Y/N_L/N: no lafayette pls don't say that

@Y/N_L/N: i didn't ask. i just wanted to give you a better idea for what to ask.

@gilafayette: yes you told me to ask

@gilafayette: exactly

@gilafayette: what is the difference?

She let out a groan, burying her face in her hands. This whole interaction felt so middle-school to her. Y/N said to ask Lafayette to ask Thomas if he's still thinking about her!

@Y/N_L/N: please lafayette just keep me out of this

@Y/N_L/N: don't wanna get involved in ur relationship with him. if i wanted to ask him something id do it on my own time

@gilafayette: wait he has just responded

@Y/N_L/N: so you still sent the message???

@gilafayette: it was too late, i am sorry!

@Y/N_L/N: what did he say??

@gilafayette: "if she wants to know, tell her to ask me herself"

@Y/N_L/N: lafayette i stg

@Y/N_L/N: please tell him this was just a misunderstanding and it wasn't MY question!!

✅ Read, 5:49 PM.

She groaned, letting herself fall back onto her bed as she saw the read receipt. Just her luck.

@Thomas_Jefferson wants to send you a message. Accept?

Oh, fuck. She didn't want to open the message, but at the same time, she was desperate to see what he had sent. In the midst of her internal struggle, it occurred briefly to her that if she didn't just open the message, he'd find some way to confront her about it in person that night, and -- to her dismay -- her mind was made up.

Messages to @Thomas_Jefferson:

@Thomas_Jefferson: did you really just avoid every time i tried to talk to you abt that night and then ask lafayette what was on my mind???

@Thomas_Jefferson: im going to come talk to you after the debate tonight. don't leave the building.

✅ Read, 5:56 PM.

________________

WITH JEFFERSON'S WORDS still in mind, Y/N fled the second night of debates the moment she could cut loose, calling an Uber before they even gave her the go-ahead to leave, not having a second to waste.

She caught his eye on the way out, him surrounded by three campaign staffers and James Madison, and he raised an eyebrow at her. The intimation was obvious: wait up for him.

She broke the eye contact immediately, shaking her head lightly. She had a blue Toyota Camry and a driver named Mandy to find out on the snow-coated street, and she was off long before he had even a chance to try to follow her.

She'd assumed the ordeal was over. She thought it was over with, that she'd somehow managed to escape scot-free, and that she'd managed to avoid Jefferson privately confronting her once and for all.

Boy, was she wrong.

She spent her final evening in the hotel carefree, drafting the second night's article as Lizzo played in the background. She'd packed most of her things, aside from the previous night's bottle of wine and the second pack of Flaming Hot Cheetos she'd bought with her future self in mind (she was patting herself on the back for that one, of course).

She strolled over to the business office on her floor with a pen in her mouth, still humming along to her long-abandoned music, as Ashley had requested that she fax over her handwritten notes from both nights of debates -- she'd called down to the front desk to ask first if they had a fax machine. She hadn't intended to get out of bed if she didn't have to.

Balancing her notes across the keyboard of her laptop in one arm, she opened the door to the office, eyes still fixated on the screen of her computer as she pushed the door with her shoulder. When she looked up, she was met with more than just a printer and a fax machine.

His nose was no longer buried in the book he held on his lap, seemingly distracted by the sound of the door opening, and he had his sweatpant-clad legs propped up on the desk before him, his glasses discarded on the table next to him. She froze when their eyes met.

"Y/N," Jefferson said, looking as stunned as she felt. She blinked. A beat passed. She almost responded, before she remembered the pen she still held in her mouth, continuing into the room and letting the door click shut behind her so that she could put her papers down. "Shit, uh... I can leave if you need the room, or--"

"No, no, you're fine." She finally took the pen out from between her teeth, withdrawing her papers from her laptop, closing it atop the desk. "But I can, ah, come back, if--"

"No, 'course not." He gave her a soft grin, fiddling with the page of his book. "Seems like you're the only one who actually needs the room, anyway."

She returned his smile, though hesitantly, feeling awkward to be alone with him in the small space. "Thanks."

She began shuffling her papers into the fax machine one by one, and the silence grew heavy. She tried not to feel the need to fill it. Yet--

"What brought you here, anyway?" She glanced back at him over her shoulder with an eyebrow raised and found his gaze still trained on her. She shifted her weight, and he chuckled.

"Just tryin' to escape."

She furrowed her brow, not sure if she understood, and another moment passed as she fed her last paper into the fax machine. Now she just had to play the waiting game (which was unfortunately long, considering the number of papers Ashley demanded). "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." He shrugged, lifting his feet off the desk's edge as he leaned forward to rest his forearms atop his legs. "Just needed a moment to myself. I'm sharin' my room here with James, and since I started runnin' for president it hasn't been easy to find some time alone."

She nodded, glancing down at the book in his hand, and grinned. "And you're spending that time reading?"

"You got any better ideas for me?" He raised a playful eyebrow when she turned to lean against where the wraparound desk met the back of the incredibly small room. She only shrugged.

"Could spend this time cleaning up your entire political platform," she suggested, and he laughed.

"Now you're just baitin' me."

"Never!"

He rolled his eyes as he turned the office chair to face her. "Now tell me why I don't believe you."

"Beats me." She plastered on an innocent smile, ultimately pursing her lips, though, to stifle her grin.

"Mhm." He shook his head in amusement, wide grin adorning his lips as he looked down once again, thumbing the nearest page of his book. Y/N raised an eyebrow.

"Whatcha reading?"

"Nietzsche." He held up the book, showing her the name scrawled across the cover and the spine.

"Zarathustra? Really?" She eyed the book with a wary gaze, and his eyebrows shot toward his hairline, amused.

"Don't tell me you've read it?"

"It seems we have annoyingly similar taste in literature, Secretary Jefferson." She grinned. "Can I get past you to the printer real quick?"

"Hm? Oh, 'course." He glanced over his shoulder, standing and taking a step over immediately as he realized the chair was situated directly in front of where she needed to be. She thanked him softly as she moved past him to collect her newly-inked papers. There was a skip; he hesitated.  "So it's back to Secretary Jefferson now, huh?"

She looked over to where he stood beside her, eyebrows raised and heat creeping up the back of her neck. The look in his eyes was expectant, but not demanding. "Is that alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course," he said, wearing a small, almost comforting smile, and she couldn't help but return it, before he added with a grin. "Thomas is better, though."

Despite the amusement in his eyes and the mischief dancing in his smile, Y/N let out a sigh as she pushed herself onto the counter beside the fax machine. "I'm sorry, I really just--"

"I know. 'M sorry. We don't have to get into it, if you don't wanna."

She paused as she met his eyes. The understanding tone he was taking now felt like a far cry from how he'd been earlier in the day, but sitting alone with him in that hotel business office after hours, both of them out of their suits and into their sleepwear, joking about his reading material, she felt like she was just then seeing him clearly. "I..." She gave him a small smile. "Thank you."

"You never responded to my message on Twitter, though," he continued, a grin once again breaking across his face, and she groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "C'mon, don't pretend, I saw that you read it."

"Lafayette was out of line!" she defended, "God, he was asking for advice on what he should say to you because he was worried, and somehow I became his advisor, and I literally just told him to ask you what was wrong. I wasn't trying to pry after avoiding you the past few days."

"I kinda figured, after Laf's next couple messages. Basically told me you were chewin' him out for askin' that," he laughed, but raised an eyebrow as he met her eyes. "But you admit you were avoidin' me, though, huh?"

"I--" She paused, mouth open to respond, and eyebrows raised, but she didn't know how to respond. The question caught her entirely by surprise. "I guess so, yeah."

Her face burned as he chuckled lightly, and she couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She bit her lip, folded her arms across her chest. "Don't act like it's some big confession, now; it was kinda obvious. You said all of three words to me in the elevator, shut me down when you were talkin' to Lafayette, and then today, at the debate?" He raised an eyebrow, seemingly enjoying watching her squirm. She didn't look up at him. "Now, that was the most obvious of all. You read my message, made direct eye contact with me, and then were still the first one outta the building. You aren't subtle, sweetheart."

She sighed, crossed her ankles where she sat on the counter, and ran a hand through her hair. "Yeah, I guess that's fair," she sighed, finally looking up at him, and he didn't say a word, waiting for her to continue. He cocked an expectant eyebrow. "Just, after the state dinner, and what happened -- or really, what almost happened," she sighed, and the corners of his lips quirked up. "I really didn't wanna talk to you, or know how to, and I'm sorry, I just-- What would I have said? What was I supposed to say? 'So, I know I, like, almost let you kiss me three weeks ago, but now I'm gonna grill you about fiscal policy on national television! Isn't that fun?'" She plastered on an exaggerated smile, mocking the hypothetical, and he laughed.

"That would've been a good start." She rolled her eyes, bit her lips, and his smile softened. "Could've at least let me talk to you, though."

She sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I should've, but I think I just scared myself into thinking talking to you meant my immediate demise."

"Now, that offends me a little," he teased, "I'm nothin' if not approachable, and I don't like hearin' you suggest otherwise."

She pursed her lips as she met his eyes. "Oh, of course. The Republican presidential frontrunner, who's always surrounded by people much more important than me, and is never seen in public without an entourage. The easiest to talk to." He didn't comment on the thinly veiled confession of insecurity contained in her dry sarcasm, but instead raised an eyebrow.

"Aren't I?" His tone, his wide grin both seemed to suggest that he was joking, but something in how he looked at Y/N made her breath catch.

"Yeah," she said, softly, "I guess you are." She swallowed, looking down at her feet, and the only sound reverberating through the little room was the cranking of the aging fax machine that still held her notes. The hush that fell over them only stretched on.

"Can I just--"

"I wanted to--"

They both looked up at once, though, voices overlapping as they chose the same moment to break the silence, and Thomas grinned. Y/N let out a light laugh. "You can go first."

"Yeah?" he asked, hesitant. She nodded, shooting him a wink.

"The floor is yours."

"Much appreciated." They shared an anticipatory glance, the tension in the room magnified by the close proximity the little space had pushed them into. They weren't even feet apart. "Anyway, I just, at least, wanna apologize."

Y/N quirked up an eyebrow. "What for?"

"The state dinner." She sighed heavily, raking a hand through her hair, and he continued, "C'mon, don't pretend there's nothin' to talk about there. I can't let myself ignore it, so I'm sorry." She bit her lip, trying to keep herself from squirming under his gaze, afraid to break the eye contact as he searched her expression. "Seemed like I scared you that night, and I wanna make sure I didn't make you feel unsafe, or uncomfortable, or... Just felt like I put you in a bad position, or made you feel like you couldn't leave because of me, since I was still the Secretary of State and all, and..." He trailed off as he saw Y/N raise an amused eyebrow, failing to stifle a grin at his words, and hardly stifling a laugh. He huffed, but there was no real frustration behind his smile. "Gimme a break, it's happened!"

"What, you've cornered other hot reporters in your office and leveraged your title against them?" she teased, and he rolled his eyes, cracking a grin.

"I usually go for hot Congresswomen, but none were around, so I figured you'd have to do."

"You've tried to stick it on Nancy Pelosi?" she asked in mock disbelief, and he laughed, carding a hand through his hair, "Can I quote you on that?"

"May wanna keep it off the record, just this once." He winked, and she couldn't help her light huff, playful disappointment mingling with amusement. He pursed his lips. "But seriously, Y/N, hope I didn't scare you."

"No sweat, Thomas, I don't scare easy." She gave him a soft smile, and he raised a brow, surprised to hear her using his first name again, but he held his tongue. She swallowed thickly, realizing it at the same time. "I'm not about to become your Monica Lewinsky, if that's what you're worried about -- you didn't put me in any position I didn't wanna be in." Her last few words had even her taking pause, surprised at having said them aloud. It felt more like a confession than a reassurance, and with that, Thomas's brows shot toward his hairline, and a small smirk rested on his lips. Y/N could feel her heart in her throat as she waited for him to respond.

"'I didn't put you in any position you didn't wanna be in,' huh?" he repeated slowly, his smug smile growing as her eyes slowly began to widen; she didn't like watching him take pleasure in this.

"I--" She cut herself off as he took a step toward her, pushing herself further back where she sat on the edge of the desk. "Yeah," she breathed, worried that her heart would beat out of her chest if she said much more.

"So--" One of his hands landed beside her on the desk as his stare became increasingly self-contented, "What if you ended up in that position again, hm?" His other large hand came to rest on her right knee; he was now hovering just inches above her, and her pulse threatened to stop altogether as she looked up at him, wide-eyed.

"Thomas," she said softly, biting her lip, and she couldn't help but notice him track the movement, his gaze falling momentarily to her mouth. His hand lifted from her knee to her jaw, brushing a hair away from her face before running his thumb along her cheekbone, cupping her cheek. "What are you doing?" she asked, breathlessly.

"This time, is it a position you don't wanna be in?" he asked, the hand that previously sat on the desk now meeting her waist, pulling her closer to him. Something about his smile told her that he was confident in what her answer would be. He raised an eyebrow.

"What..." Her voice faltered as he pulled her into him, her legs now straddling his waist from atop the desk, and she prayed he didn't catch it when her gaze fell to his lips, if only for a moment. (The way he grinned told her he'd definitely caught it.) He stilled millimeters away from her lips, and the movement wasn't even conscious as her arms wrapped around his neck. "Thomas."

He smiled, his nose brushing against hers, and he couldn't help that his grin grew when she shivered at the contact. "Y/N," he whispered, too close even to make out her full face, but he could see every detail of her shining eyes clearly, could trace every ridge of her lips.

She was terrified. Every nerve in her body seemed to be standing on end, and she could feel everything. Even the slightest movements made her pulse jump -- the pads of his fingers digging into her waist, his breath as it fluttered across her cheek, him pulling her impossibly closer, yet still, not quite close enough. She swallowed hard, looking into his eyes. "Kiss me."

He obliged her immediately, his hand gripping her jaw as his lips moved against hers, and she reacted in the same moment. One of her hands weaved itself into his hair, while the other sank into the back of his old college t-shirt. His tongue pushed insistently past her lips, and she arched against him in an effort to pull him ever closer, pushing herself toward the edge of the desk. His hand slid down to hook itself under her thigh, and his grip tightened on her leg as she sighed against him. He nipped at her bottom lip, tugging it into his mouth, but nearly lost it when he yanked at her hair, and she let out a soft, needy whine against his mouth -- the kiss immediately became harsher, faster; in seconds it was all teeth and tongue. Y/N didn't know when his lips had begun to trail down her neck, didn't realize his hands began to tug at her shirt until she felt his fingers brush against her stomach, and she shuddered. She gasped as he scraped his teeth over the base of her neck, sucking a hickey into the skin, and she rolled her hips involuntarily up against his. He groaned against her.

"Fuck," she whispered as his hands finally breached the hem of her shirt, pressing into the bare skin of her waist, and she dragged her nails down across his back, feeling his muscles rippling in his shoulders as he pulled her harshly against himself.

"Shit, sweetheart." She yanked at his hair, began kissing along his jawline, grinding her hips persistently up against his. "Y/N," he groaned, his nails beginning to dig directly into her hips. Her movements faltered a moment. She swallowed.

It must have been then that she came to her senses. She couldn't have placed exactly when, or why she broke it off, but it must have been when she heard her name out of his mouth, against her skin, when she realized exactly where she was. She pulled back from him, gasping for air, her hands against his chest, and he raised his eyebrows.

"What...?" he breathed, equally winded, "What's wrong? Did I do somethin'?"

Her eyes were wide as she looked up at him, shaking her head slowly, but her expression was despairing, the gravity of the situation just then beginning to sink in.

"I..." She trailed off, letting out a huff as she ran a hand through her hair, "No, no, it... it's not you, but..." She pulled further back, pushing him gently away as she broke out of his grasp. The look in his eyes was worried, but more so disappointed. "We can't do this, Thomas. Fuck, this was a mistake. What were we thinking? I just--"

She groaned softly, burying her face into her hands before hopping off of the desk, scrambling to collect her laptop and her papers. His eyes widened as she began to rush to leave the room.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart!" He grabbed ahold of her arm as she began to turn away, and she yanked it from his fingers. "Y/N, c'mon, wait a minute."

"This can't happen! Don't you get it?" she said. "This was so fucking stupid. I'm a political journalist, Thomas, and you're running for President, for God's sake! Can you imagine what would happen if we hooked up? If that somehow leaked?"

"Wait, be reasonable--"

"I'd become the next fucking Monica Lewinsky, and there goes your campaign, and there goes my career. Next I get accused of biased reporting, and you get accused of foul play with the media." She shook her head, shuffling her papers together as she turned to leave. "I'm sorry. I... I'm so sorry, this was such a mistake."

"Y/N." His voice was steady, but firm. "Listen to me: no one's losin' their career, no one's life is shatterin' because of this. Relax, darlin'. Leave if you want to, but relax. I'm not gonna try to make you stay."

She hesitated as he rested his hands on her biceps, as they ghosted down her arms. He smiled. "Don't get me wrong, you're more than welcome to stay, but I won't hold it against you if you don't."

"I can't do this, Thomas," she breathed, and he chuckled. Despite his small smile, and despite what genuinely were his best efforts, disappointment clouded his gaze, and he did a poor job of hiding it.

"Okay. Then go." His voice was soft, gentle. "If you ever change your mind, though, just know that I'm the only one with access to my Twitter messages. You know how to reach me if you want to." He grinned as he said that, and Y/N’s eyes widened. Did he just offer himself up as a booty call?

The thought had her breath hitching in the back of her throat. The look in his eyes told her that he was being perfectly sincere.

"I'm sorry,” she finally said, voice only just above a whisper, and he nodded.

"Don't worry about it.” There was a skip. “I'll see you soon, Y/N.”

“Bye, Thomas.” She held his gaze a moment longer, struggling to bring herself to leave, but knowing she couldn’t stay. He sent her a wink, and she finally began to move.

She was out the door without another word, her breathing shaky as she rushed back to her hotel room. She was desperate to immediately open her phone, to text Angelica or Alex, but shit, if that wouldn't ruin her life. Angelica would find some way to convince her to quit her job, or somehow weasel her way out of her assignment on the 2020 election, and Alex would be worse yet -- he'd take it straight back to Thomas and confront him.

She groaned into her hands as she walked into her bathroom. A cold, cleansing shower was what she needed at that moment. The first thing she saw as she walked into the bathroom, though, was a deep purple hickey, at the base of her neck; she'd be covering that up for weeks, she thought as she drew closer to the mirror, running a hand over it as she examined the area. Yet, it also left her with several 'what if's -- what if she hadn't stopped it? What if she were to let this happen? What if, for once in her life, she stopped worrying, let herself live, took a risk?

What if she'd decided to stay?

She met her own eyes in the mirror as she entertained the thought, and she swallowed roughly.

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[swsf]

been a while since I’ve done one o these (mostly cuz it’s been sitting in my drafts as I’ve been busy,,,) *crackles knickles*

niki is a lovely lady with a bakery, she’s always been close with eret and tubbo and was like their older sister while they were all growing up.

drista is here. she floats around all cool and stuff.

making a full list of sigil people-

schlatt: fire sigils on his hands

sapnap: fire sigil on his right wrist

fundy: water sigil on the back of his neck

carson: water sigil on his back

minx: earth (more specifically metal) sigil on her upper arms

tommy: earth (plants n shit) sigil on his fore arms

drista: air sigil on her right ankle

philza: air sigil on his back

-this concludes the sigil list-

rat exists in this au because the thought of bad having this huge ass dog akin to like a hell hound or something that he calls rat is hilarious.

uh charlie the slime man can melt- he can melt from stress and can be melted like a popsicle when it’s too hot. he can also be melted into a container for easy travel lmaooo

there is a bubble language- Charlie and Cooper speak the bubble language.

bad is the oldest character in the comic.

bad was originally born a demon for,, some reason??? and as he’s a good lad he gets promoted to angel status, and while he’s probably the only born demon to turn angel he was an example to demons that they could be good.

minx is the second oldest, but isn’t really anywhere close to how old bad is. however she existed before bad got to being an angel.

demons pop into existence as young adults. they’re called baby demons for lols but they aren’t actual babies. demons grow, and their range for that is like coming into existence as looking like 17 or 19 and they don’t grow past looking in their mid thirties. they’ll all stop growing at different rates though, like minx stopped when she looked around 25. demon’s horns never stop growing, though.

omg the amount of retconning I’m doing rn—

okay so Dream starts out with schlatt. Dream goes into the deep dark forest because he’s a wanted criminal and he needs a place to hide a bit, he remembers the tale of this ram man who lives in said forest and Dream, with nothing better to do decides to go look for him.

blah blah blah Dream finds him, hijinks ensue (arson included), schlatt and Dream are now travel partners. during their travels they stumble upon a pair, two people about the same height, one lavender haired lady with horns and one kinda scrawny guy with brown hair. schlatt and the lady start screaming at each other and to Dreams dismay at what’s happening between his friend and some random woman, he awkwardly walks over to the guy the horned lady was with and starts talking to him.

Dream learns that he’s talking to some swordsman named George and that lady who’s screaming at his ram friend is a demon named Minx. they have a delightful conversation as their respective travel partners argue and attempt to stab each other in the middle of a pub.

eventually the demon and the ram sort out at least a bit of their issues(with minimal violence) and they all decide to combine into one weird ass party and go on their merry way.

one swordsman, one criminal who’s a little too familiar with an axe, one easily aggravated demon lady, and one firey ram man with seemingly unexplainable power.

although as they go on they realize schlatt’s dealings were an effect channeled from where schlatt had been in the forest and had not been powers he really possessed.

hehe his powers came from his magic treehouse and then it got burnt.

the dream-schlatt-minx-george group lasts a day or two before it becomes the dream-schlatt-minx-george-fundy-wilbur group.

schlatt & co essentially we’re just wandering aimlessly then fundy and wilbur showed up like “yeah we’re going back to our home village” and then schlatt n co were like “cool- we’re going with you” and that was that.

sapnap can and will scoop up anyone into his arms and carry them around. he often carries both kacey and karl at the same time. he’s carrying the whole team.

god fucking dammit I typed AN ENTIRE THING ON TECHNO AND WILBUR AND IT CRASHED AND DIDNT SAVE I AM FUMING.

grrrrrrr I’ll type it all again just watch me, bitch.

techno and wilbur were street kids- they beat the shit out of other orphans because haha funny and then one day wilbur decided to team up with this other kid so they could kick malnourished ass as a team. Wilbur came up to techno like “now I’m real smart, and your really violent- why don’t we team up and become kings amongst these common fools?” And techno was like “aight”

it,,, kinda worked?

they did better— but that got them off ‘beating people up and stealing their food’ to street fighting, and that’s where the tweens are and those things are brutal—

so their plan hadn’t gone as well as they hoped but they’d stuck together anyway because they’d enjoyed each other’s company and eventually considered themselves brothers.

they were like 9 at the time,,,

oh and then everything was on fire.

at that point phil comes across them when he finds his way into this BURNT ASS VILLAGE ands like “oh look, children. yeah they look terrible why not get myself some sons”

and then they aren’t that much of orphans anymore.

and then after about a year of living with Phil as their super rad adopted dad, they go into the forest as they always did, this time go a little further into the dense trees,,,, and they eventually make their way back home with wilbur holding the small hand of like a toddler fox boy who’s a bit feral.

and then there were three :)

something about the gongoozler.

quackity.

just quackity. :)

#nihachu #the eret #tubbo #drista #sapnap #fundy #jschlatt #eret #callmecarson #justaminx #tommyinnit #philza #badboyhalo #slimecicle #dreamwastaken #georgenotfound #cscoop #karl jacobs #kaceytron #wilbur soot #technoblade #quackity #:)

[iiasha-archived]

genshin anon! finally lol. i keep meaning to respond - tab has been open with your last response for two weeks now... lol. oh i put a lot of work into my weapons. especially if i use them a lot. oo the 20k+ is nice though! apparently i have hu tao built semi decently so when she gets a vaporize crit it goes quite well for me haha. yeah agree. and they have updates every 6 weeks. yeah not every update is the biggest thing ever but like... its okay. no need to rush. game development takes time.

hihihi lmao again no worries!

(2/5) oh oops I spend several hours a day on the game (when i have time). to be fair, i genuinely enjoy going into coop and finding lower ar people to help with bosses and world exploration and stuff. so i can spend a long time doing that. i know i appreciated the help when i was low. plus its fun to get to chat with others occasionally. oh yeah genshin def ripped off of botw very well lol. they took botw's complaints and went yeah i can fix that. but then made it gacha.

(3/5) i saw you say you have c6 noelle now lol. i am so so sorry ): you did get keqing though? was that on the banner? so are you guaranteed the banner character next beCAUSE ZHONGLI RERUN YES. oh yeah it was so cool seeing everyone! bennett and razor were just adorable i love that friendship. loved getting to see albedo again. hes like.. my fav and of course i missed him :/ rerun plz.. ahh yeah a lot of the claymores are more for their skills i guess. except razor. so i get that.

(4/5) i also tend to use the elemental stuff a bit more but just idk claymores are SO SLOW and im just not overly fond. oh yeah polearms do less damage ahha. i like their fighting styles though. theyre faster and just idk it just -works- for me. oh that is SO CUTE they wear friendship tassels )': ooo yeah the rosaria/kaeya/diluc trio is quite fun. would def love to see more of them! rosaria grew a lot on me over 1.4 and seeing her... not be so rude all the time... lol.

(5/5) also im super excited, i did end up pulling childe! IT WAS SO CRAZY. I DID THE MAGICAL TWO 5*S IN A ROW. mona decided to give me c1 because i can never win the 50/50 and then childe was like its okay i know youve been working your butt off getting everything ready for me so here you go <3 and like )': i love him lol his playstyle is so fun and he works great with hu tao. also got rosaria and fischl (who i didnt have) which is great! were you pulling on childes banner at all or just saving?

ALSO thoughts on the 1.5 stuff??? I haven't gotten to watch completely everything yet but it all sounds so good! Zhongli rerun!!! And the housing thing seems super cool? And lower resin for weekly bosses! New world boss too! All the events seem pretty interesting as well so I'm pretty excited! -genshin anon (pretty sure tumblr still only lets you send 5 anon asks an hour or else i would've added this earlier lol)

genshin anon. lol it's okay! everyone is free to like whatever characters they want! yeah diona is.. not involved at all. although she is getting a hangout in 1.5! might be the first one i actually do. her story is pretty sad though from reading all of her profile. yeah you with noelle was me with diona. i was so mad at her at first since i pulled her like... 10 times on xiaos banner. after i got over it i tried her out and now i love her. also its okay! i took like two weeks to respond :P

but omg how do you have tabs open for two weeks.... i get stressed if i don’t leave my computer with everything closed LMAO. i mean yeah it definitely makes sense to put a lot of work into weapons bc they can be used by multiple characters so they’re a good investment!! i should start thinking about that as well......

nice!!! i’m guessing you’re having a good time with hu tao then eh :D my xiao is. okay lmao probably not doing the damage as expected of him but eh whatever <3 

if i’m like really in the mood i can invest a couple hours but most days it takes some self-convincing to even log in asfjdkldsaj like once i’m in the game it’s fine but for some reason the action of opening and loading it up is like hmm.... also most days by the time i do get to play i’m so exhausted from work </3 

omg that sounds fun!! personally i don’t like... playing with strangers that much afjdklasj so i tend to avoid co-op... but one of my friends might start playing genshin so i totally get what you mean about helping lower AR people with bosses and stuff because i wanna do that with her lmao :D 

lmao traded botw faults for the gacha system... you really can’t have it all unfortunately </3 speaking of botw my friend got my the expansion past like. literally last year lmao i’ve been meaning to play it. ugh i’m just so behind in general on all video games unless it’s genshin lmao

i wouldn’t have minded c6 noelle if i had GOTTEN ANYBODY ELSE WHEN I WAS PULLING ON THAT BANNER ;_____; like at least they could have given me a sucrose who i don’t have!!! but i did get keqing on my pity from that banner!! wait omg i didn’t realize that was how it works... i have a vague idea but if that’s true YES ZHONGLI PLEASE COME HOME GOD PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i’m 100% skipping childe’s banner for zhongli sorry dude ajkdlfaj

ahhh yes getting to see albedo was nice too!!! even if only for a bit hehe it’s nice how they tried to rope in all the mondstadt characters somehow (except. diona jaklsdfja) 

okay mood. i love chongyun to bits but i admit after maining xiao for a while i’m definitely like why is chongyun so... slow asjfkldj but that’s literally just how it works </3 and same about rosaria!!!! she was still pretty like.... moody idk but she’s definitely better when she’s not just being straight up mean lmao

OMG CONGRATS!!!!! you seem to have much better gacha luck than me LMAOOO i envy that but i’m so glad you got everyone you wanted!!! and nah now that zhongli is definitely confirmed i’m DEFINITELY saving for him like actually the last time it was childe than zhongli’s banner was when i just started playing and i wasted all my beginner primogems on childe not knowing who was coming next........ i’m not making that mistake again LMAO

i didn’t watch the livestream but i did see the trailer and AHHHHHHH SO EXCITED omg with the housing i thought we were just getting a house but no it looks like they’re giving us a WHOLE FUCKING VILLAGE like as if i didn’t spend enough time in this game they’re introducing this like you KNOWWWW the hours about to be put into customizing our little house/villages.... 

ohhh i didn’t see the thing about resin!!! wow they really are giving it all. the previews for inazuma were also super pretty!!! and while the new characters have been known for a while this teaser definitely made me more excited for them hehe eula is so prettyyy

and yayyyy diona hangout! is she the only one coming in this version? but i’m glad to see they’ll probably add hangouts for all the characters (or at least the less story-critical ones like zhongli already has his story quest so idk if he’d get a hangout). it’s just nice to see more love given to those characters hehe <3

#asks #anon #genshin anon

[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

#JudeJournals #judejournals

[gevejsbvdj]

Fine. Pt 1

Okay. I did NOT want to do this. I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to start something. When I made the announcement post, I thought that would be it. But a lot of you got really angry and reeeeally bitter about it, suspiciously enough. I am actually hoping that after I post this, I get an explanation and an apology. I tried to explain to these people time and time again about how I was hurt by this situation but they refused to listen. So here I am, spelling it the fuck out. Also, this account is dead anyways and i am so tired of keeping this to myself. I can’t do it anymore. 

That’s enough preamble for now, I’ll make more notes at the end. Let’s get onto the “situation” that was the final straw for me and inspired my complete leave. 

For comprehension purposes, this took place in the Crackerbox Palace discord server. 

For a warning, I’m pretty theatrical when stressed. If I joke here I’m sorry. I’m going to hold back on the humor. 

CW: mentions of sexual abuse, pedophilia, racism, and seizures. You have been warned.

It sounds disgustingly simple, but when I joke about this (to myself, because it’s better than crying about it), I say that me having a seizure was the cause of this all. It isn’t really, but- let me explain. 

I was alone, and I was chatting with the people in the server when suddenly- I just felt fucking weird. Initially, I was like “oh what the hell” until I realized that the weird sensation was actually familiar. It’s what people who have seizures call an “aura” or a “ting”, and it’s a numbing, buzzing sensation that’s kind of like an alarm bell that lets your body know what’s about to go down. And I have a habit (you can decide whether it’s good or bad) where I feel like I have to tell anyone around me that I’m going to have a seizure as SOON as I recognize the aura. Well like I said, I was alone. There was no one physically around me that I could tell, but I already had the chat open, fingers on my keyboard, I typed: I think I’m gonna have a seizure. Something like that. And I did. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. The older I get, the less extreme my seizures are for the most part. I got a splitting headache for the next two days, but we’re getting it checked out! This is only context for what happened next. 

After that happened I eventually came to and as soon as my senses were recollected and my memory came back, I felt so embarrassed that I told my friends who I thought were super cool that I had a SEIZURE. But I noticed that Ley and Emma (in their genuine concern) were discussing seizures and how dangerous they could be, and was wondering if I was okay. I was honestly so relieved they weren’t laughing or anything like that. Vulture then responded saying “hey can you censor the word seizure, it’s a trigger.”, and so Ley and Emma did so. I was confused by this because I thought Vulture was saying it’s MY (me, a person who has them regularly) trigger, or that they were saying it was a trigger in general? I soon found out that it was a term on our “blacklist”, which makes sense.

So In our server, we had a channel (the prior mentioned blacklist channel) where people can suggest words and phrases to avoid. Phrases/topics that make you very uncomfortable, triggering, etc. Someone suggested that the name “Zack” be blacklisted because it’s the name of someone that manipulated them. And no, not Zach like me Zach, but Z-A-C-K, you know? Anyways, sometimes the sheltered southerner in me jumps out, and someone asking for that name to be blacklisted rocked my world! Even more so that the admins I worked with were willing to blacklist it. I thought, wait all this time I could have asked you all to blacklist a NAME that upsets me? I didn’t know I could do that. Never have I ever been in an environment where something like a name could be avoided to ensure my comfort. While THAT was what I was thinking, when I went to type it in the chat, it did not come off that way to vulture. Here’s what I said:

Vulture took what I said wrong, which is totally fair. Words fail me as they do everyone else, and looking back, I could have done better in explaining what I felt. I’m not blaming them for the misunderstanding, and I'm not even blaming me that much. It happens, man. But what got to me, was them accusing me of belittling or more so INVALIDATING the trigger. Me, someone actually has seizures, invalidating someone being triggered by them. Okay. Here was my response:

My response was unnecessarily snarky and I am still sorry for that. I thought I got better at thinking before speaking but it’s evident that it’s still something I need to work on. However, like I said I’ve never been one to accept it when someone’s trying to have an attitude with me. And no I’ll be the first to say that Vulture wasn’t explicitly rude to me, but I was gobsmacked that someone was trying to tell me how traumatic seizures are and accused me of invalidating them after I just said that I have them frequently. And that even after I explained what I meant, I was still met with an accusing response. Can you imagine if I went up to a homeless man and said “you have no right to invalidate my trauma with homelessness. I read matchbox girl.” Like okay? Also, yes that mod chat had a history with taking everything I said as aggressive or belligerent, hence my telling them to stop that. I was always met with a dismissive and antagonistic response. Remember that. I will get back to that. 

Because of Vulture’s immature response, I removed them as chat admin. Do I regret it? Halfway, yes. I should have pulled them to the side and spoke with them about what they did. But looking back on that, after seeing the things they’ve posted today? It’s probably for the best that they weren’t a part of the admin team. 

Andy (also known as shadowylemon here) and Cody are partners who also helped me run the server. They were admins,obviously. Andy asked me why I removed Vulture as Admin. I explained to him why, very civilly with the help of one of my friends because my response almost WASN'T. And to be frank, I ignored most of what he said because again I was being made to be the evil villain and I wasn’t being heard. So I ignored him. Also I was on a call so I wasn’t going to break my brain listening to ten people at once. I was so tired, my seizure happened like only a couple days prior and my head was still affected. 

I mulled over that whole ordeal for a bit until me and my friend (the same friend I mentioned earlier, who helped me with my response to Andy. Lenny. He also helped me mod there and was the original co-founder of the server) came to the conclusion that the mods were too young. We need an age limit. So I told them, like “hey you guys are fine for now but I think that in the future, we should start having the mods be older”.

 At this point I’m super careful with the way I word things. I’m always like that to be honest, as a black (visual-wise, a female) female you learn real quick that you’re the angry one in every situation unless you learn to talk super duper civil. But I didnt think I had to be that way in THAT server, you know? I thought I was safe there. Apparently not. Anyway-

I was met with, again, an aggravated “how dare you” type response from Cody. Which was okay with me, still is. When you work with someone in a group, you’re not going to agree with them all the time. So we were having a pretty civil, short lived back and forth until I mentioned that we tone it down on blacklisting every word. I suggested earlier to blacklist the word “blue” to see how far they would take it and they literally blacklisted it. I didn’t get to say this then, but I’m actually against over censoring, even if it’s supposedly for someone’s mental health. I have ADHD, RSD, on the damn spectrum, all that good stuff, so don’t come for me. But if you’re wanting to avoid words like blue, or a very common name, that is not my responsibility. That is your therapist. The server had people in there who- well English wasn’t their first language, and adding more barriers to their language is, I feel, very inconsiderate.

 Cody started to threaten to delete the blacklisting channel all together and was acting really panicky. AGAIN (if I can find the screenshots, I will share) I was met with a very victimizing, whiny response. Like come on now. I told them to please do not make me the aggressor or I will leave.

No response. 

So the rest of us were just getting ready to start a call and play some games until we noticed something. 

Channels, titles and colors, and nearly everything was being deleted. 

By who? Andy and Cody. This is just one screenshot. I wouldn’t include what’s over ten i have saved on my phone.

I was afraid that they got hacked and was being made to delete them. Until I thought “wait...it’s funny how they’re the only mods that are being ‘hacked’ while the rest of us were left alone. RIGHT after I just had a disagreement with them. Oh my god is this a tantrum.” The server then echoed my concerns. Please don’t be a tantrum. We noticed they left and so I dmed Andy. I said “Why” and he blocked me. That confirmed that it was indeed a tantrum. A tantrum because I IMPLIED that they were being micro aggressive towards me. Alright. 

Me and the server joined a sort of conference call where we discussed what happened and they asked me questions as well as talked about what our next move was. At the time, I thought I was being dramatic because my breathing was super labored, and my face was super hot, and my heart was pounding. I was furious. There was a tiny voice telling me that ‘hey, you’re mad because after you told them that you were uncomfortable and upset with them treating you like an unhinged angry person, they did all this shit’ but I ignored it. 

That is a common theme with me. I know a lot of you think I’m using my race as a weapon and that I call everything racist, but I HATE calling things racial discrimination for that exact reason. I don’t wanna look sensitive, or get called a snowflake. I honestly used to be a self-loathing black person, and you could hurl slurs at my face and I’ll excuse it. My friend group in the 9th grade was mainly racist white people. I’m so glad I grew out of that nonsense but damn some of that toxic mentality stuck with me to the point I never wanted to acknowledge when someone was biased against me. 

I mean, how could it be any more clear? Do I think that Andy and Cody are racist? Of. Course. Not. I think that’s why a lot of you got so mad at me when you realized that what you did was microaggressions rooted in racial bias. Because you thought I was calling you a RACIST.  I’ve had white people who will march with me during protests say and some really off-putting shit the next day. You can be an ally and make mistakes. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. None of us is. You have to allow yourself to make errors, and be confronted. Running away cursing and kicking rocks just tells me that you don’t want to listen to black people. 

But anyway, we attempted to move on from the childish ordeal and I enlisted the help of new people to help me mod since we were short two, and could have used the help anyway. 

We were doing alright, really. One day, though, Joane messaged me saying that Vulture wanted to apologize and wanted to talk. And I was like great now's the perfect time to talk to them like I should have the first time, but wrongly didn’t. So I told Joane to dm me. 

Well, Joane sent me a screenshot of some of hers and Vultures conversation.

As you can see I initially did feel willing to apologize and speak to vulture. Because like I said earlier, my snarky response was UNNECESSARY. However, Joane joining in the discussion with her “I can’t understand him which frustrates me lmao” peeved me. As did Vulture acting like I’m unhinged. While I didn’t need to make the “imma blacklist lmao and lol since it bothers you so much” comment at ALL, it wasn’t that deep….at all. Vulture has a habit of virtue signalling too. Their comment “I’m patient and forgiving” is an example. 

While I was annoyed initially, I soon felt pretty hurt that Joane would say that about me behind my back? It made me wonder if there was more she didn’t show me. Joane was a really good friend and I loved her a lot so I was extra sensitive about it. I’ve never spoken ill about her behind her back. 

Now, this is a recurring theme in this post but let me say now: I am aware that no one is OBLIGATED to treat me a certain way because I was nice to them. Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt? Talking negatively about someone isn’t a problem, but having them think you’re their friend while doing so is. You know? It’s very deceiving, but in Joane’s case, only slightly deceiving. 

So I just didn’t speak to her for a bit. I was already annoyed at having to re-build my server because of a couple of teenagers having a tantrum, as well as things that were happening in my personal life. Also, the news was no damn help at all, you all know. But I didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day and I...I hated it haha. I don’t like avoiding people when I’m frustrated, and after I saw what happened with Vulture when I did the same thing, I should know better. Plus I felt bad. Joane was still a friend, and I wanted to get to the bottom of things. 

I’m not going to include every little screenshot and whatnot, but I messaged her like hey what’s up let’s finish our discussion. Because I thought that at that point, I had my head screwed on a bit better. 

During our discussion, I eventually showed Joane me and vultures conversation, and she acted astonished that Vulture didn’t show her all the context, and even said that they were being irrational. This was after I told her that after everything Andy and Cody did, they made a server with Vulture to which she informed me that she was aware, and she was invited. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think vulture was being irrational. While I said it’s no excuse, PTSD can make us say and do pretty wild things, and calling someone like that irrational feel like ableist language. 

So me and Joane had a little moment. I apologized to her, and she apologized to me.

I was sure that after we both had our respective breaks, that we would be good to continue our friendship like normal. Just a bump in the road. It happens

That was until I got a certain anon from Vulture. 

She asked me why we were done, but when I went to ask her “what in the world did you say to them” she blocked me.

Sorry I keep showing me messaging them, I just don’t wanna get lied to or something again. 

I was really sad about that. I went to bed, and when I woke up, I was still sad. Joane was telling me one thing, and Vulture another thing. She was changing her opinion on a person depending on who she was talking to. It was dizzying and disingenuous and I didn’t even get to talk it out with her because she blocked me. Which was really suspicious. She told me that she would be taking a break from the server and that she still respected me as a friend, but went to vulture and told them that I treated her like SHIT, or at least acted enough like a victim to make them accuse me of that. I’m sorry, but where in the world did I do that? If me confessing to someone that they hurt me is the same thing as treating them like shit, then fuck man a lot of us are assholes. 

Wow, look at me treat her like shit. Absolute garbage right?

I wasn’t even being completely honest to Joane about my feelings for that reason. Because of accusations like this. Another instance of someone taking literally me being normal and civil as being AGGRESSIVE. Vulture, I’m sorry for accusing you of utilizing white girl tears. I accused the wrong person. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. 

I went to our #vent channel on the server and told whoever was online and whoever was listening about the whole ordeal, and how HURT I felt because I was literally played by this girl. And I was accused of basically being abusive. Treated her like shit? Cmon man…

But another user in the server, as it turns out, had a similar experience with Joane, and provide in-depth screenshots. Which made me even madder, so we kept venting about the situation. 

Also, because of a couple of dms, and because the more I ranted, the more pained I got, I felt compelled to say the following, NOW LISTEN CLOSELY:

I first prefaced my concerns by saying “I AM BY NO MEANS CALLING JOANE A GROOMER”. That was fucking useless of me to say because- okay I’m getting ahead of myself. 

So I was saying (and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have. I know. But like I said, it was in the heat of the moment and I got a dm that made me feel bad) that it was strange how as soon as someone young and innocent was present, Joane would cling to them in an obsessive way. I’m not the only one who noticed that, and even one of the younger users in question agreed to my statement. 

Listen fucking closely. I don’t think Joane is a sexual predator at ALL. That’s why I had that warning before I said anything in the chat. I do, though, think that if you’re a grown adult and you’re obsessed with being friends with people who are as young as 14, that it’s concerning, not in a sexual way, but in a power dynamic way. I’m only 19 and I honestly don’t get older people who become besties with much younger people. I was “friends” with the users as well, but I was a mentor/brother/dad more than anything. Do you understand? When I was 15, I’ve had people who were 20 and older become my friend and dump their adult problems onto me, as well as expect adult reactions and responses out of me. It was stressful and damaging and I did not want that happening to anyone else, especially the younger people in the chat. Okay? Okay. 

That being said, my protectiveness is a major flaw of mine. Oh my god, do I take it too far sometimes, man. I didn’t want really young teenagers (13-16) to have a serious relationship with an adult because of what happened to me, and I didn’t want Joane to play and hurt anyone else the way she did me and my other friend. So I went into the announcements channel and told the users to read what we’ve been saying in regard to Joane and come up with your own decision. I did not have to do that, I can sit here and say that the things that transpired the past few days really took a toll on me whatever blah blah blah. But I could have kept it in vent, really. And the dumb thing is, that before I sent that message in announcements, I was literally telling myself that THIS is a bad idea. GOD, Zach. But I was at work, it was the last day before holidays started, and I was feeling super protective and I wasn’t thinking and- well yeah. 

During all of this, I was having a conversation with vulture in Tumblr dms. I gathered the courage to finally dm them after receiving the anon. That conversation was on my old Tumblr, so I don’t have a screenshot of the key points, but I typed my starting message in notes, and this is what I said:

“Hi vulture. I don’t want to be here for long but I just wanna ask: why? You accused me of invalidating a trigger and even after I told you that’s not what I meant you still went off on me? You’re mad at me about an inaccurate perception and it really upset me. I’ve been terrified of talking to you specifically because I’ve been dealing with micro aggressions from you, Andy, and Cody and it’s really been wearing me down. And when I told Andy and Cody about their treatment of me, they deleted shit from my server and leave? How do you think that makes me feel as a black person? Makes me never want to talk about my feelings ever again out of the fear of being antagonized. I’m sorry I was snarky towards you, if you didn’t like my remark about “lmao” and “lol”. I agree it was immature. But don’t forget you came at me first. If you’re willing to further discuss this with me then great, which I am sure you are seeing that you asked me to on anon. I finally gathered the courage to contact you so let’s do this.”

We had a brief conversation. Vulture dismissing my microaggressions concerns but really- it happens so much that at that point I was so numb to it. Also a little bit “it’s not about your race. Remember when I…” more virtue signalling. Bleh. But after all, I did thank them for actually wanting to talk to me. Andy didn’t wanna do it. Cody didn’t wanna do it. Joane didn’t want to. Vulture did. And I appreciate that to this day, after everything. I can always admire that about someone. 

It ended prematurely because of me. I was at work and got distracted by that as well as by what happened in the server next. 

Emma sent a pretty long message basically calling all of us out for “bullying Joane” and talking ill of her behind her back, as well as announcing that she would be leaving the server and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves. This was right after someone confessed that Joane made him feel uncomfortable with constant flirting. I admitted that I should not have put the message In announcements, but guys.

I went off. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was sick of trying to be docile and sweet. I didn’t care if I would be portrayed as the angry black again I DID NOT CARE. Bullying Joane? Me talking about how she hurt me is bullying? Let’s look up what that means. 

Yeah okay. That’s incorrect usage, right? I didn’t even call Joane names. I didn’t persistently harass her. I spoke about what she did to me in distaste, but I was done with her as a friend at that point, and she knew that, so was not going behind her back. I wasn’t being predatory towards her. And I definitely wasn’t being AGGRESSIVE or BLUSTERING. Emma was using broad pronouns and terms (you guys, you all, etc) but I knew she was talking about me, as I was the most prominent in my venting about Joane due to my situation with her happening just yesterday. I sent the most messages, I- while wrong in doing so- posted the announcements. That message primarily was directed towards me. When I say that microaggressions tear you down, it tears you THE FUCK down. 

That being said, I did cuss Emma out (she wasn’t present when I went off, but still) and cussed out everyone who agreed with her. I was so blinded by rage and hurt I don’t even remember at all what I said. One line that sticks out to me though is “y’all saw a white girl crying and thought oh man we can’t have that” and that’s a mantra I’ve repeated a couple of times when I find myself in scenarios such as this one. 

But- I do regret going off like that. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t justified slightly, though. I don’t expect any of you to understand completely what I went through, but please try. I regret going off like that, though. And I’m sorry. 

I guess I was also upset because I was JUST in a good mood? I was literally singing to myself all happy and shit, but Emma’s inconsiderate message threw me off. It’s making me even more upset now that I know why she said that. She wasn’t the only person to tell me I should be ashamed of myself for manipulating (yes, MANIPULATING) Joane. 

I dmed Emma in an attempt to fix things, but i gave up quickly. I was too raw with emotions anyways. So I mournfully told her that we probably should’t be friends anymore, to which she responded

Carelessly?...ouch.

From the moment Joane dmed me about Vulture, and the moment Emma sent that message, all of that transpired within three days. Three fucking days and THAT much happened. It was taking a toll on me, that’s not even counting Andy and Cody’s tantrum. 

I was in a dark place, still am. I made a post saying that I was going to take a break from Tumblr and then made one saying that I was going to kill myself in the tags. Not exclusively because of all this, of course. So. Much. Bullshit. Happens to me on a daily basis. Abusive parents. Sexual assault. Racism that’s actually violent. Dying relatives. So much. I’m crying as I type this it’s just so much. In real life, I have no friends. Not even fake acquaintances. Yes, I cut off all those people because they were extremely toxic, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have literally no one. That server was my escape. Parents fighting? Open discord. Mental spiral? Discord is there. Just had a seizure? Don’t worry, you have friends. And now I don’t. And all because of some dumb shit that wouldn’t probably have happened if two kids didn’t get mad at ME because THEY were ignorant. I know it’s not good to rely on a server to improve your mental health, but I couldn’t help it. I was desperate. And I really did think so highly of everyone in that chat. I loved them.

I received a couple asks that night saying that I don’t have to hurt myself, I’m loved, all that. Very kind messages. And right when I was going to delete the post (I was so embarrassed for posting it), I got a message from ley that read something like “I don’t agree with what you said at ALL but that doesn’t mean I want you to kill yourself or leave” something along those lines. I thought, really? You couldn’t just say you didn’t want me to leave and have it at that? 

I really don’t want to make it seem like I posted something so graphic for attention, man. I can’t stand that manipulation tactic and I don’t want that harmful stigma about suicidal people to be encouraged. 

But Ley’s message threw me off. Agree with what I...huh? Then it pissed me off

So I deleted my account. And fell off the face of the earth for 15 days. 

[itsjusta]

WEEKLY UPDATE #11

Dec. 21 (Mon)

1:31 AM. I was going to sleep na unta but I ended up crying because I’m thinking about so many things 😅😅

but i had a good day doeeee its my first time to trade and i earned 400+ but i didnt sell pa basin magamay na nuon aish i’m looking forward to trading gyd doeee its fun and i want to earn money so i can save and buy things hehe also happy for u cos hapit naka maka 100k!!

watched a lot of teen wolf also today and did a task for khalid 😪

Dec. 22

my day was actually going okay. i’m disappointed sa ako self sa trading, but i was okay na with that.

i just spent my afternoon watching tv but then i saw that notif and everything just came crashing down

im really in so much pain and i hurt myself today. its nothing major, just small ones enough lang to make me feel something else. dont saba2 about dis doe. dont feel bad also this is my own choice and im doing this to lessen my emotional pain a little.

i also deactivated my fb doeee this is just temporary but i’m just really stressed.

Dec. 23

today was better hehe i know its ur first month so i really tried to stop myself from thinking that hahah just watched a lot of netflix and tv doeee and tiktok also hahaha

i hope tomorrow will be a better day for you doe :(( you know, when we were together i would get so scared to see u angry becos usahaaay ra gyd kyka masuko. u have so much patience for everything and i hate seeing you angry gyd kay i know nalain gyd ka ana doe and idk what’s making you angry but i hope u resolve it doe with whoever or whatever made u angry. i hope u have a calm and happy heart this Christmas! ♥️

if pwede lang gyd, i will go with u somewhere chill doe like a beach to just calm your mind. u know i’m always here for you and my house is always open for you! 🥰

Dec. 24

wasn’t so busy this day doeee cos sila ra nag prepare wala man mga salad2 hahah i’m celebrating Christmas this year na not as happy as sauna doe becos idk my heart is just not that happy also hehe i wish for a better Christmas jd next year, i wish to be happier next year doe and i wish that for you also.

lost my peace of mind these past few months doe that’s why its been so hard. i think this is one of the greatest gift u gave gyd to me while kita pa doeee i was so at peace sauna doe because i know na you love me and that i will always have you thats why i was also very happy and now i’m still learning to have that peace on my own doe

thank you for being one of my greatest blessings!!! i am forever thankful for all the love you have given me. i may not have celebrated this Christmas with you as my partner, but I’m also thankful that I got to celebrate with you as a friend.

Dec. 25

the weather today is so cold doe nice na nuon mag maoy2 hahah

cried a lot today doe cos idkkk just thought of a lot of things. i think gyd we will not talk na doe months from now cos its so hard to maintain our communication esp if face to face na 😅 but maybe you will be happier that way doe. i think you will be happier if we dont talk na doe cos u dont have to worry about me. if i just had the strength, i will really let you go doe because its for you but its so hard for me because i want to be involved in your life. but its also so hard to get involved in your life doe cos i get so hurt by many things but idk sometimes i find it worth it when i get to talk with you dayon inana btaw aishhhh i feel like im a idiot doe hahah idk

but when you want to not talk to me you can just tell me doeee u know i’ll accept it even if its hard hehe i just want whats best for u

I saw your vids and pics doe from your laag. You look really happy and you look together. I love seeing you happy but it super hurts that you’re happy na gyd with another doe. (not gonna lie i broke down after hahah) idk doe seeing you happy like that makes me realize that maybe i shouldn’t be involved in your life na doe because i’m just disturbing your peace and it’s so hard for me to move on also. i’ve been trying so hard to block out any info or news about u guys but i really can’t block everything out :)

also deactivated my fb doe idk i’m so tired so many things affect me doe. i feel so hurt, so small, so insignificant and so pathetic now. i feel like i’m torturing myself and that the world is punishing me. Looord ansaket huh :(

did it again today doeee aish i shud not do this na sayang ako skin!! hahahah (serious i shud not do this na doe)

alsooo 7 months nata buwag ngeok!! hahah

Dec. 26

today was an okay day doeee my morning was productive because i did my assignment and then cooked yummy fried rice for lunch

i just watched kdrama dayon doeee and i was excited huh cos i tot u will laag here but aish the weather not cooperating :( i even init na carbonara for u unta but aissshhh hahah idk when i will see u again doeee maybe u will not want to laag na hahah u also didnt call me but das also okay doeee 😅 i was very bored at night na dayon doe aishhh

u knooow i think i will just continue to love you doe until i get tired na dayon becos i dont receive the same love back hahah maybe that time maka stop najd dayon ko doeee idk with this heart bsag unsa na kasakit ga padayon gihapon!!! hahahah but maybe gyd doe one day i will get exhausted na and will stop na heheh

Dec. 27

watched a lot of kdrama today doe and just relaxed lang

i miss going on dates doeee huhu i want to kaon2 with someone and suroy2!!!! aish being single is so mingaw and i miss having sex doeee ion like being lonely and tigang!!!!!! 😤😤😤😤😤😤

[zurilux]

Vent session 4/26/20

A couple things. First, the not so serious. 

I’ve been living with my parents for a little over a year now since the second year of my boyfriend’s ST program basically makes it impossible to work while doing the program. We decided to move our in with our parents to save money (especially since there’s no way I could support us and our two dogs on my own.) My parents are fine. They’re not perfect but they’re fine. I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older though just how different I am from a lot of my family. My parents are definitely products of their time. They dont believe in therapy. I go to therapy. I’ve gone to therapy since I was a freshman in college (When I could go without them paying for it/knowing about it) I’ve recently started Trauma counseling, trying EMDR to process past traumas and maybe stop some of my more toxic/ bad habits and the cycle of abuse. (my current relationship isn’t abusive but I’m scared that I may make it toxic because thats really all i’ve known or if it fails I’ll go back to the cycle)  

I myself have had quite a few traumatic events happen in my life. In the last few years I’ve become pretty open about my mental health, hoping that it might help others (so no one will feel the way I felt, like I was alone etc) I think a lot of my family would benefit from therapy, as now that I am so open, sometimes my family will share their stories. My parents, like I said don’t believe in therapy, and now they also believe they are too old to be fixed. Especially my mom. Which, for me, is really saddening. My mom, when overwhelmed, will hit herself in the head. Which can make it hard to talk to her about anything serious because she also takes a lot of things super personally (and I cant blame her for that. I’m sensitive AF) and it sucks that she feels she, or her inner peace, is worth it at this point. I’ve found a lot of my family just doesn’t really seem to want to better themselves and would rather just say “This is how I am, take it or leave it” 

It’s exhausting to be around people who are in that sort of mindset when you’re working very hard to be better. Trying to be happy, get my anxiety/depression/PTSD under control, process traumas....

Also. some of my traumas happened in the house, or when I was teen living here. SO, sometimes just being in this house is a struggle. Being back in this room where my ex-wife tried to kick me out and pushed me to a breaking point. Being in this room where I found out my ex-wife kissed someone else while they were deployed and decided they didnt want to be with me anymore. Being in this house where I broke down shattered, screaming and crying for the world to stop spinning, and my ex-wife yelled at me, belittled me, harassed me so much over the phone I had to get my parents involved so she wouldnt speak to me again. In this house where I had to hide so much of myself, had to pretend so many things didnt happen....Its really hard being here. especially in this time of super stress, being in Quarantine and a Pandemic due to COVID-19. 

and to add on top of that, my mother has started trying to inch me out. My grandma is supposed to move in when I move out. I guess my grandma is hounding her, so in turn, she’s hounding me. Even after I have explained that COVID has messed with my boyfriends program, and my planned summer vacation. Originally he was supposed to be done in June, and we had a FL trip planned in Sept, so we’d move out after our FL trip, to save money, and hopefully not stress the dogs out. (moving to a new place and then all of a sudden your parents are gone for 8 days might be a little much for our pups). Depending on when he started, and how much money I saved, and if my coworker would be moving in with us we could possibly move in August, gives the dogs a month to adjust to their new surroundings before we would move. BUT, now....he may have to do a summer term, to make up for the lack of ST time in ORs at different hospitals, which means he wouldn’t start working in June, he may, depending on how they do their summer term, not be done with his program till July or August...and obviously he needs to work, for at least a month or two before we could move. also, we don’t know if we’ll be able to travel to FL in September, THere isnt really a point in going if Disneyworld and Universal aren’t open/fully functioning. soooo....a lot is up in the air. The added stress of my mom constantly asking when I’ll be moving out is not helping my stress level at all. It’s irking me more than I thought. I didn’t want to admit quite how much it bothers me. oi. 

Secondly, 

probably a month ago now...or a couple weeks I’m not sure (time is hard right now ya’ll) our dogs started fighting. Very suddenly. We’ve had Carbon since September 2018. Frank (Jake’s dog) and Carbon have never fought till this point. I’m not sure what changed because they both have lived with me (Frank and one of Jake’s parents’ dog dont get along, so he had to live with me) the entire time I’ve lived at my parents house...It seemed like we were making progress, we were able to have them out in the same room without any trouble for a few days recently. (previously we had been crating one, and switching them out about every 4 hours if we were both home) They do fine on walks together. they seemed to be doing okay, but then another fight happened a day or two ago...Jake’s suggestion is to remain living separate. I’ll move in with my co-worker, he’ll either move out on his own or with a roommate with Frank. 

to backtrack, Carbon is a almost 2 year old pit/lab mix. He was a rescue, I got him when he was 5 months old. He’s fairly mellow for his age, but he is 2, he’s young and playful. Frank is a 6/7 year old potato dog (he’s short, a little long and has a round/barrelesque body, supposedly a chihuahua, pug, staffy mix. He isn’t fat either, its solid mass. He’s older and grumpy. so maybe he just snapped at Carbon’s youthful shenanigans.  They both are very much daddy’s boys. they may have fought over his attention (now that they see him more, he has been basically quarantining at my house ) it’s kind of impossible to know. 

I don’t like the idea of living apart. I’m needy. Plus, for a majority of our relationship we have lived together already. Jake is not only my boyfriend but also my bestfriend. I’m very physically affectionate, and Jake kind of sucks at texting...Also, I’m worried that our schedules wont line up. I work M-Thurs 6:30 am to 5pm. his ST schedule could have him working 12 hour days, he could have to work on my days off. having him spend the night once a week is not enough for me, if I can help it, most of this year that’s all I’ve been getting and its been awful (Quarantine has changed that but, thats special circumstances) We already were only supposed to live apart while he was finishing his program, and now we may need to live apart another year...or more...for the rest of Frank’s life, unless Carbon passes suddenly I guess...thats a long time. I get that he doesnt want to crate them “forever” if we lived together. and if we wanted to go on a trip, we’d need specific people to help us, to be sure no fights ensued or whatever, if someone gets bit...it’s over. I understand that...it might not be fair to “crate and rotate” them for however long we need to and neither of us is giving up their dog....I thought maybe if we could get a big enough space maybe it wouldnt be so bad. we could kind of section them off away from each other...(this past year its been me and the 2 dogs in like maaaaaybe 500sq ft) but finding that might be difficult in our price range...especially since we’ll be renting and probably moving to Portland (which is expensive) it’s causing a lot of stress for me...my anxiety is causing me to overthink. Like. is this somehow a sign that we shouldnt be together? He and I got together before i was even officially divorced (granted he was supposed to just be a confidence boost, not actually a legit relationship..but we fucked up and fell in love) and he has broken up with twice over our three years...the second time really wasnt necessary because he was trying to take care of me, to not cause me to be miserable during his second year of school when he knew I wouldnt be able to see him much and that I am needy, but we ended up doing what I had suggested...which is what we are doing now..being together but living apart. sigh. I don’t know. It’s a lot going on right now. I’m not a fan....everything is super stressful as is...and now all this too...oi oi oi. sigh. it’ll work out somehow...right?

[shattered-catalyst]

♡ + family

Headcanon Meme:: or in the OC verse...This shit is Canon

//accepting

Family and Catalyst are a very complex and twisting topic that often times contradicts itself as he grows . Unfortunately he never had the Cadre Alliance to help him out ( or use him cough) but he also didnt have Xforce or anyone else in his corner. Hes been doing this all solo and thats why hes...An absolute counter intuitive wreck.

Sooo heres a write up since Im in pain and need something to focus on

tw for mentions of abuse,neglect, underage alcohol consumption, and all around Mojoworld Shittiness. If you know much about Mojoworld you know this is literally portrayed in canon I did not make this shit up okay i swear.

So Mojoworld doesnt have family units as we have them. There are no parents and there are seldom children. Children are in a tube being fed videos of violence and bloodshed (canon), they are taken out when they are capable of independent locomotion (something the spineless ones find absolutely disgusting. tune in next time for me to talk about how deep catalyst’s self loathing and self image and concept is affected by this).

Prior to this they are given a purpose and destination; entertainment- bands,singing, stunts,etc, servents, builders, farmers and harvesters, gladiators, and pets. Yes yes that is canon and yes I hate i had to write that.

Catalyst was ‘born’ Isaslan III and placed in the gladiator class to ensure peak anxiety +complex stress to make sure his mutation would activate. But he was also place in intense gameshow and survival show like programming during the off season to try and further speed up his mutation because Mojo is impatient.

Mojo is the godhead, the master programmer, all things lay in his hands.He places the young into units and has them train together in combat with more seasoned gladiators as their trainers. Each creche has a strict pecking order and depending on the personalities of those involved and their trainers the creche is either combative and competitive over their resources or co-operative.

Isaslan III had a co-operative creche, he just was rarely with them when they all weren’t exhausted so he didn’t get much in the way of interaction. When he did it definitely made up for it.

The gladiator class all refers to an internally reinforced honor system and they call each other intimate terms ‘brother’ ‘sister’ ‘friend’ are all used (canon). But it is more of a kinship with suffering and survival than with each other.

Isaslan III would consider them family if he had been with them a bit longer. But after his second season he was taken from the creche (most of his ‘siblings’ had since been killed in combat and only 5 of the original 12 remained) and taken to the more seasoned area all as part of Mojos plan to force a premature mutation. This was his first lost family.

Isaslan III didnt meet anyone else he would consider having a ‘family’ or any sort of bond with. Unless we consider the parasite like way Mojo and Arize both used him. Nah, not until Earth and god it just gets worse.

Here we have an alien who basically treats the world like GTA or any other simulation because Fuck if he knows if this is REAL or not and he doesnt know what LAWS are or how to read or ANYTHING and what does he land in? A fucking bar.

This is the second fucked up ‘family’ like situation he lands in. A bunch of adults who think the mutant kid who ‘likes’ to fight is ‘funny’ and they give him so much alcohol whenever his mutation acts up and it just goes spiraling downhill from there  Once he realizes this is all..A big joke he moves on but hes sworn off the idea of finding ‘family’ or anything like that.

Especially because his ideas are all based on modern cinema. Like he has 0 concepts outside of cinema and fucked up life experiences.

He doesnt consider his mutant town folks family, hes pushed family away as being something he isnt worthy of because it just isnt possible for him, or so he thinks,. He maintains a very distant, cold attitude whenever anyone pries too much or he feels hes becoming dependent on someone.

It makes therapy a bitch and trying to make friendships that seem, full, is extremely difficult. Instead he feels chronically acting and never actually genuinely connecting with others. He gravitates towards others like this; Laura (x-23) being an amazing example of this.

He falls into roles faster when he is older or more powerful than another person ie:” Livvy, Gabby, in some cases Laura (Logan Verse). He is invested in keeping them alive and caring for them but it can be very robotic at times and very much at odds with what is acceptable in terms of safety because hes taking what he learned in Gladiator school, in his creche and mashing it up with modern movies and yes he did try and teach Livvy how to kill someone with a lollipop okay yeah he did.

So the thought of having donors? aka: parents? Terrifies him beyond reason. Hes been raised to believe he can do nothing but fail them, and has it hammered in his head from one too many conversations with Mojo that they will kill him on sight for his own loses in the arenas.

Despite all that hes sorta...Really wanting parents. He really wants that support and guidance in his life. But itll take two years of intense therapy for him to cut the ‘i do not have fathers I have donors’ walls hes built up around himself.

His guilt and shame feed into Mojo’s brainwashing all to form a damning concoction that makes even considering reaching out to ricto.r or shatt.erstar almost impossible.

Though when i do get to write with these characters Catalyst’s curious and inquisitive nature ALWAYS gets the better of him and his progression actually speeds up a bit. TBH I genuinely miss those threads since it really strips all the characters defenseless and sometimes its so AWKWARD and its GREAT.

You can see him playing along with the role when with someone like Fabian Cortez where he willingly falls into a fake family dynamic, knowing full well fabian is manipulating him but he just doesnt care and is too depressed and he just wants to know even if its a lie what thats like. His early life on mojoworld prepared him to act like an idiot under the nose of arrogant men. He knows what hes doing and he has accepted the price this fake family costs him.

Still for Catalyst to genuinely feel like he has a family or to be a part of one will take years for him to build solid strong connections with others and probably a mini series or spin off or two where he gets to play supporting roles for them.

[blackasmidnightcats]

Continued discussion about Sophie's "redemption arc"

Original post from @agathasarmy

@agathasarmy I've moved this to a new post cause I have a lot of feelings and still want to continue this discussion and I hope you don't mind

So anyways...

(this wouldve been also a great way to introduce the concept of legacies, especially with the past vs. present. vs. future theme and it would also parallel tedros’ storyline as they’re both dealing with the fallout of carrying their predecessor’s glory)

YESSSS

All of them have big shoes to fill because of the people who've nurtured and believed in them

One thing I really hated in the camelot years was the lack of mourning that Agatha and Sophie did for Callis and Lady Lesso respectively.

That is the kind of anguish that I was looking for. Just them being children and missing their parent/parental figure and wishing that they could still be someone's child who could look out for them and motivate them when they needed.

Like Sophie remembering that Lady Lesso believed in her the way that Sophie could never do and Agatha remembering how her mother would have wanted her daughter to live out her life with with love and adventure.

Let's not even get with Tedros (that's a whole other meta in itself)

so far all i got was lesso and hester being the best examples of it, but what i also got from them was that Evil wasnt being cruel but serving as the balance to Good like ok???? what exactly does that entail??

Exactly, I'm really frustrated about this because as much as Soman has tried to make us understand that Good and Evil are equals, he has never actually shown us how equal they can be since all the Evil figures that we have are usually helping Good.

I'm really pissed that the Coven's quest involve them finding a new School Master when they have absolutely no need to do that. They should be doing their own stuff instead. It's the one thing I shame Prof Dovey for.

that was what I expected the series would be: Tedros and Agatha as Good because Good always stands stronger together, and Sophie as Evil because Evil is best alone, but not lonely

I stand behind your point about "Alone but not Lonely" quote because if that does not describe Sophie's biggest problem than I don't know what does. She can have all the fans that she wants and build the whole School for Evil in her tribute and pretend that she's a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man but she'll still feel the loneliness seep through if she doesn't have a closure with her insecurities and envy

instead Soman subverted our expectations in the worst way possible since GoT S8 (dont @ me)

I will stand by you with the hate for GoT s8. That was a trainwreck so badly done it imploded on itself. Recently, writers that have big productions have been having a hard time gracefully ending their stories

EXACTLY I JUST KNOW SOMAN’S GONNA BRUSH IT OFF OR BARELY MENTION IT WHEN THIS KIND OF DIALOGUE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO THE MESSAGE OF THE STORY THAN SOMAN RANDOMLY INSERTING DOVEY AS TEDROS’ GODMOTHER OR REAPER BEING KING FOR PLOT CONVENIENCE

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I WILL NOT STOP BEING SO FREAKING BITTER ABOUT IT.

Soman was off with a good start on that one. I would have been more interested with Sophie trying to handle her narcissistic desires vs her need to actually be a decent Dean to all the new students just like how Lady Lesso was for her. Her understanding how to be Evil and be herself would have been a nice read.

if soman had to bring back a trope from the last era, it would be the discussion of dichotomies i.e. Good vs. Evil, instead of the evil lover trope cos aint nobody got the time for that

YESSS

It's still technically the school for GOOD AND EVIL SERIES even if we go to a new era I was hoping that Soman would still have these as the roots but NOOOO.

His obsession with Sophie obsessing over boys that obsess over her is a strong one apparently.

like at this point it’ just really blatantly obvious how much Soman favors Sophie and I wouldnt be that bothered if he didnt sacrifice the plot or the other characters’ brain cells to go along with it cos to this day I refuse to believe that people really would just accept Rhian like that after reading The Tale of Sophie and Agatha

EXCATLY. I HONESTLY COULD NOT UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE DECISIONS OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS ABOUT THIS.

Like did no one still understand that not everything is what it seems?!

I am baffled with how easy they trusted a comeplete stranger over Agatha who has proven over and over and over again that she fights for the good of EVERYONE and is perfecrly willing to sacrifice her happiness for theirs.

Like at this point I'm thinking that her fairy tale propably does not do justice for everything that she's been through cause if the other people of the Woods read her story the way we did, there would be no doubt that we would stand behind Agatha for a lifetime

like cmon people we went through this already?? a random hot stranger coming out of nowhere??? ITS THE RED FLAG

In defense with them, (and I am saying this very, very off handedly) Rhian did come around saving everyone's asses and was a pretty decent guy (NOT).

WHAT I AM REALLY SURPISED ABOUT IS THAT THEY WANT A PIECE OF HIM AND HOW EASILY THEY TRUSTED HIM WITH EVERYTHING

I THOUGHT THE POINT OF THIS SERIES WAS TO SHOW THAT ROMANCE WASN’T THE ONLY HIGHEST MANIFESTATION OF LOVE, BUT A LOVE BETWEEN FAMILY OR A LOVE FOR ONE’S SELF WAS JUST AS IMPORTANT????

One of my biggest beefs with Soman's writing. He highlights romance too much compared to platonic and self love. I want a moment with Sophie like the one in TLEA where Agatha was getting stressed about letting Sophie and Tedros grow closer and Soman managed to pretty realistically portray that; Agatha was being insecure and possessive and jealous but she let herself reflect on her actions. She made peace with it and faced it with bravery even though it really hurts her. Because she understood that she would never have closure for this if she didn't let it happen.

AGGIE IS THE BEST. I LOVE HER

Why the hell can't Soman write something similar like this for Sophie.

WHY SOMAN PUTTING THIS AMATONORMATIVE BS IN THIS STORY AGAIN LIKE WE ARE TIRED

In fairness, Sophie getting into ANOTHER romantic relationship I will PASS SO HARD.

But for everyone else that deserves some romantic love (TAGATHA PLS) I will accept crawling

also I like your ideas on what could’ve happened instead, with Rhian being more proactive towards Tedros and Agatha instead of Sophie - it would play well into the Camelot myths and themes that I was really expecting in the new era

I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!

If Soman could only just get over his Sophie Obsession, then he would understand that Tedros was the perfect target for Rhian's manipulations and Sophie was the perfect target for the downfall.

I have no idea how the hell did Rhian think (but apparently it worked because soman plot) that seducing Sophie would win him the love of the Woods.

plus it wouldve been a chance for Sophie to actively help them instead of tearing them apart like in the last 3 books?? like she’s kinda doing that rn but it would’ve been nice if she didn’t have a hand in stealing their happiness like she’s always done too

Well...for me she doesn't seem like she's tearing them apart anymore but I stand with your point about her stealing their happiness.

This could have been good, good character development for her. Her realizing that she keeps making tagatha miserable and stealing what belongs to them and the complexity that comes with her inner struggle between her envy vs love for her best friends.

PLUS CHADDICK DESERVED TO LIVE INSTEAD OF BEING KILLED FOR PLOT CONVENIENCE LITERALLY IT’S THE WORST DEATH IN THE SERIES NOT COS IT’S SAD BUT COS IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE AND MAKES FOR TERRIBLE WRITING IMHO

"NOT COS IT'S SAD BUT BECAUSE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE"

SCREAM IT A BIT LOUDER SO SOMAN CAN HEAR IT AT THE BACK!!!!

Soman, I will never forgive you for doing this to this boy.

You could have made Tedros and Chaddick have a falling out. I mean the last time that they interacted was during AWWP and Chaddick treated Tedros as crap. I know that all of us headcanon that these two are each other's best mates but they've barely had significant interactions for me to consider that a case.

They'd be so pressured about not followong the legacy of Arthur and Lance that a small problem could propably tear these two apart.

also, on another point, you would think Sophie would be more sympathetic to Tedros situation given that they’re both leading populations, essentially

plus Sophie learned to understand Tedros’ mind better in awwp??? where the hell did that relationship development went (even if she was Filip at the time)??

I am honestly more suprised at how viciously Tedros seems to treat her.

Like it wasn't that long after TLEA that Tedros was perfectly willing to let Sophie stay in Camelot and even asked her to visit but come his coronation (which was like less than a day after) he keeps on proclaiming about how happy he is with her out his life and in aCoT his distrust for her was off the roof.

Then there is the Handbook ordeal with Sophie just completely roasting Tedros like what happend to the two of you?

I don't even understand Soman's decision about this. It doesn't even affect the actual storyline in anyway. It's just Sophie and Tedros at each other's throats.

Tedros has been treated the crappiest out of the main trio (let’s be honest) as if the game was built to oppose him, meanwhile Sophie gets major Soman privilege and is given the role ONCE AGAIN that could change the game

THIS

It's the reason why I can't even read AWWP anymore. It hurts too much to have to read at how badly the other characters treat him. Just reading the first line of that book gets me anxious.

And PREACH THAT SOPHIE HAS MAJOR SOMAN PRIVILEGES.

This is why I was actually suprised that Soman shared that he planned on killing Sophie off at the end of TLEA but we'll never how that story went

like if the School Years was for Sophie to realize and accept her Evilness, couldnt Soman have decided to give Tedros and Agatha the deciding roles this time around given that, you know, it’s called the CAMELOT YEARS ERA???

Honestly, I just want Tedros to have the most agency out of all the characters. Like make his decisions actually matter to the plot. Make him the center of the plot and revolve Rhian's plans around him instead of being against him cause that's exactly how Agatha's role in the school years era was for Rafal.

The basic formula goes like this;

Sophie important to the Rafal's/Rhian's/Japeth's/hell even Evelyn Sader's plan

Agatha/Tedros are in the way of that plan so they have to go

Agatha/Tedros saves Sophie's ass

Sophie making the big decision

Like didn't Soman say that he didn't want to be that repetitive writer? That's why he changed the ending of AWWP because it was too similar to the first book?

WTF SOMAN?

she’s still out here wanting someone to look at her the tedros looks at agatha (honestly big mood right there) but I wish this didn’t have to be her main conflict

This is actually why I'm not that mad that Sophie fell for Rhian. Because at the end of the day Sophie will be Sophie.

But I agree I kinda hoped that she wouldn't be as guilible

the girl is smart and knows her worth so I can’t really understand why she decided to get ENGAGED to the next person (Hort obviously cant count cos plot) who tells her she looks pretty???

NOW THIS. THIS IS MY BEEF WITH SOPHIE.

I can understand why she'd date him but MARRIAGE?! That was going a little bit too far.

You'd think after her engagement with Rafal that she'd be TRAUMATIZE for the next one.

And honestly it would have been hella funny if she did feel this way. Imagine Rhian nearly getting all that he needed but Sophie just straight up leaves him on the stage cause she's still got issues with it.

Would have been my favorite scene

And Hort, poor boy, he needs character development of his own. I'm not his fan honestly and currently, he's not winning me over.

ALSO THE FACT THAT SHE ENDS UP BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE ROLE OF QUEEN OF CAMELOT INFURIATES ME SO MUCH COS WE WENT THROUGH THAT SHIT IN TLEA???? WHY ARE WE BRINGING THIS UP AGAIN????

THIS. THIS IS MY BEEF WITH SOMAN

Can he not understand that she would be crap as QUEEN?

A parallel I noticed with Rhian and Sophie is that they both completely remodeled their respective castles in their image. Not even considering anyone else. And they both treat their faculty as crap.

Kinda tells us that she really would be crap as queen.

At least the Camelot citizens had enough braincells not to fall for this crap

Every other kingdom in the Woods though. They better be budgeting gold to Tedros and Agatha once they're back on the throne.

(and im so so tired of Sophie stealing Agatha’s Ever After from her, indirectly or not, like cant she just be happy for her best friend and move the plot in some way other than this???)

I really do believe envy is only one of the things that Sophie needs to sort out. The fact that she admitted at the end of TLEA that she does, in fact, feel envious that Agatha gets to be a queen and her little episode in the Ever Never Roundtable about how she's the one with the official title of queen and that Agatha isn't even a princess says a lot.

I wouldn't have minded if Sophie had a slight blackout and just lost it and saying mean things about Agatha but instantly regreting it because no matter what, deep down in the foundations of her soul, she loves Agatha with everything that she has. And is she has the be in a constant battle with herself about this fact then she's willing to keep on fighting. That would have been satisfying to read.

I mean just imagine if Sophie was there when Agatha was leading her army and Hester mentions that Agatha is Queen in the School, in Camelot, or anywhere elsse in the Woods. They would follow her. Willingly.

Sophie would have had a panic attack.

This girl needs to learn that she can't force people to be loyal and follow her by making every physical reminder of how amazing she is but instead she needs to lead and make some sacrifices of her own because she's doing these sacrifices in the benefit of Evil and its future instead of herself.

Sophie appreciating people?? Not only remembering them when she needs something from them??? Like @ soman im not asking her to be the next Mother Theresa but I’ll take this character development pls and thank u

I am all in for Sophie appreciating everyone. If she can't do it for other people, then she better do it for Evil.

#sophie #sophie of woods beyond #sge #the school for good and evil #school for good and evil #soman chainani #tagatha #love you too♡♡♡ #pls #let us continue our discussion