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taexual · 5 years

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HOLIC - 22 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: angst + feat. a soundtrack

words: 4.9k words

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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You’ve texted Kiera as soon as Jaebum left your room. You weren’t going to but you needed to find a way to replay everything he’s said to you in your mind to understand what had gone down and you figured it’d be best if you wrote about it and even got a second person’s opinion. Jaebum had said so much – and you were feeling so much – but you could not understand where you were standing at all. You realized that by typing about what just happened, you’d allow yourself to relive all of it but slower.

You’ve never had anyone make a comparison between you and the worst kind of person in the world before. And maybe that was exactly the reason why you were feeling so upset – you already feared you’d acted like Suji before and Jaebum confirmed that he’d thought so, too.

You didn’t want to be like her and maybe, while trying to be the complete opposite of her and help Jaebum reach the shore instead of drowning him, you ended up acting a lot more like her than you’ve intended. You weren’t really upset at him because he’d made the comparison, however. You were upset because he didn’t tell you what he was feeling immediately when he realized he was pulling away from you because he got scared. You were upset because communication wasn’t a thing that existed between him and Suji and, obviously, he still didn’t know how to voice his feelings with you, either.

But, most of all, you were upset because you had feelings for him and you found yourself wishing to be with him despite everything. But what if Jaebum had a point? You’ve gone out to deal with his problems for him. You’ve started to hang out with one of his closest friends. Hell, you’re even thinking about him a lot more than it would have been considered healthy.

If anything Jaebum had said to you tonight could have been repeated in a different context, you would have thought he had feelings for you, too. And if you truly ended up being as bad as Suji was, then you had every right to feel upset about this. That would mean that you two had feelings for each other but no possibility to ever be with each other because the last thing you wanted for him was to date someone who’d ruin his life. You couldn’t allow yourself to force him into another toxic relationship after having—in one way or another—helped him escape one.

Kiera’s response – that came five minutes and a few silent, pitiful tears later – didn’t make you feel better about anything.

Roommates don’t fight like that.

You knew she wasn’t trying to say that you were just pulling this out of your ass or, perhaps, exaggerating again. She was trying to say that you and Jaebum have transcended the roommate label. You two were something else now. What, however, you couldn’t say. No one could.

You were, essentially, strangers—or somewhere in between that and friends—with so much potential to become much more. There was so much space for depth, so much room for commitment between you and him but there was also the biggest wall that you’ve both built brick-by-brick. And maybe you weren’t meant to tear it down because maybe, tearing it down didn’t mean anything good. Jaebum would be forced to relive his previous relationship with someone else – and God knew you didn’t want him to feel trapped when he was with you – and you’d end up getting what you wanted for the price of ruining his life.

Now you were also upset about letting Jaebum down. When all you wanted was for him to leave his abusive girlfriend, you failed to see that he might have considered you bad for him as well, except, maybe not on Suji’s level just quite yet. You didn’t think she wanted what was best for him but you did – and that might have been your biggest difference.

You’d lost your temper at Suji at that bar because she kept talking about her relationship with Jaebum as if it was the furthest thing from toxic but, it was clear, that if you and Jaebum kept at it, your relationship with each other wasn’t going to be much better. You cared for him in ways that she perhaps didn’t but you still couldn’t bring yourself to pull away. You couldn’t leave – and, at this point, you didn’t know whether leaving meant saving him, or saving yourself.

Jaebum had even told you he was afraid he was going to get his heart ripped out of his chest and you couldn’t analyze what he’d meant without wanting to bang your head against the wall a bunch of times until you finally felt numb. Texting Kiera hadn’t helped much – the texts from her kept pouring into your phone as she tried to comfort you by saying that this was just like every other fight you’ve had with him and it would have no lasting consequences.

Unless, you found common ground with Jaebum – and maybe this really was the end, this time – you wouldn’t be able to calm down. But you couldn’t talk to him after all that you’ve said to each other. And, contrary to what Kiera may have wanted to convince you, this fight wasn’t like anything you’ve had before.

Out of all the arguments you and Jaebum have had, this was by far the worst one simply because before, it was your minds snapping at each other. It was your thoughts attempting to choke one another by forcing you to yell.

Now it was your hearts bursting out of your chests with each word you’ve said to each other. Now it was your very souls begging to be heard—to be felt—and your bodies pointlessly resisting.

There were so many obstacles to your friendship. Even more to your relationship. And you didn’t know if there was a limit to how many fights two people could have before they inevitably decided that this wasn’t worth it. That this wasn’t going to go anywhere no matter what hopes they might have had.

Well, whatever the number was, you felt tortured and tired, but you still didn’t feel like you’ve reached the end yet. You thought you still had it in you to fight against the challenges of the past. But you didn’t know if that was a good thing. And you sure as hell didn’t know if Jaebum felt the same way.

When you settled down on your bed two hours later, your eyes staring firmly at the furthest wall of your room – where you’ve hung your camera on a lonely nail – you finally understood why artists created their best pieces while in pain. There was nothing you wanted more in that moment than to grab your camera, go out into the rain – but it wasn’t raining; it never rained in convenient moments – and take pictures of everything that looked as empty and raw as you felt.

But it was getting quite late and you knew you couldn’t do that even if the weather outside matched the storms inside of you. Even if you lived in a safe neighborhood, you still wouldn’t feel comfortable stumbling around late with expensive photography equipment.

So, deciding that you’d only have to endure one more sleepless night before you could go out – whether it was at dawn or at noon – you inhaled deeply and got out of the bed. You needed to shower before you went to sleep and you were naïve enough to believe that warm water was going to help you wash away some of the feelings in your chest.

However, you did not consider the possibility of seeing Jaebum right after you opened the door of your bedroom – but, really, it wouldn’t have been realistic for you to successfully avoid him, the apartment truly wasn’t big enough for you both – and you nearly turned around and got back into bed again before deciding that the look in his eyes after he glanced at you from the kitchen didn’t look threatening. His eyes actually looked just like you imagined yours to look. Tired, sad, and pathetically hopeful.

“Hey,” Jaebum said, his voice making your stomach churn.

“Hey,” you echoed, clearing your throat. “I was just going to take a shower and then head to bed.”

You saw him glance at the clock on his laptop that he’d placed on the kitchen counter – it was far too early to sleep – but he didn’t comment on it.

And then, as soon as you stepped outside of your room and turned towards the bathroom, he started to talk again.

“Hey, um, listen,” he said, “can you tune in to the radio tomorrow? Give my show a try.”

You’ve wanted to listen to his radio show for so long and now you didn’t think you could. It didn’t feel right somehow. As if you were going to enter a yet another part of his life you didn’t deserve to know about.

You wanted to leave but you couldn’t and it was only going to get harder if he kept opening up parts of himself that you haven’t seen yet. Perhaps it would have been better if you’d remained unknowing about everything — starting with Suji.

But, then again, that wasn’t really possible. You were far too curious about him. He’s drawn you in before you even realized and now resisting your wish to hear his voice on the radio was like fighting an uphill battle. You tried but you knew you were going to lose eventually.

“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to,” you said, afraid to turn to look at him. “I’m thinking about going out to take pictures tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll—”

“Well, try, okay?” he asked. “Two o’clock.”

You knew what time his show was – sometimes, it was all you could think about as you stared at the clock at your gallery, waiting for the hours to pass so you could go home, never turning the radio on. You avoided his station partially because you couldn’t listen to anything while you worked – it was against the rules – but also because you were still trying to hold yourself back before you fell even deeper for him.

You didn’t reply, but you nodded – a silent promise to try – and then quickened your step so you’d reach the bathroom before he said anything else to you. You needed more time to get yourself together and dare to look at him when he talked. You still didn’t have enough courage to face the fear and disappointment that might have been hiding on his face.

You weren’t sure what you should have been expecting from his radio show as you strolled down the near-empty observatory, searching for a spot that’d allow you to sit and change the battery on your camera while you waited the last few minutes before turning the radio on your phone on.

You’d come here because one of your college friends had mentioned how much she loved the newest exhibition of the Milky Way on the second floor of the observatory, but now that you realized you were about to listen to Jaebum’s voice on the radio while literally being surrounded by stars – painted ones, but stars nevertheless – you were slowly starting to think that the decision to photograph in here wasn’t the best one. Taking pictures of the starry skies was a great way for you to unwind and allow the painted dark blue ceilings to distract you, but you didn’t think you’d remain very distracted after you listened to Jaebum under a—metaphorical—starry sky.

Suddenly, you winced as the full volume of the radio playing in your earphones greeted you with a piece of generic music, indicating that a new radio show was about to begin. Then, a pre-recorded version of Jaebum introducing his radio show played – and your stomach already started to twist – and, after that, you heard him speak.

You had to admit, you might have been waiting for yourself to start having all kinds of overly emotional reactions to his voice but you were surprised to learn that instead of wanting to cry, you were actually smiling. He sounded like he was having fun as he introduced himself and presented the contents of his show, and you couldn’t help but feel excited to listen to him work. It didn’t feel as intrusive as you’d have thought it would feel.

As Jaebum started the show off by playing two songs the listeners had sent him, you found yourself looking through the pictures you’ve taken today despite your irrational fear of associating every photograph with Jaebum after you’ve heard his voice. Now, after you heard that he didn’t sound as pained as he sounded last night, having photographs that reminded you of him didn’t seem all that bad.

You still didn’t know why he’d asked you to listen to his radio show today but you found yourself regretting not having done this before. You already knew Jaebum’s taste in music was great but it pleasantly surprised you to hear just how good the songs he’d picked sounded. Maybe he was doing this to remind you that you and him had a lot in common and admired each other for most of the other things that you did not share.

“Okay, everyone,” Jaebum’s voice was heard on your earphones as soon as the previous song finished. It was so interesting – and almost weird – to listen to his captivating voice as he addressed his listeners. “I’m doing something slightly different and almost unusual for me today. This next song is one of my favorites but there’s a reason why I want to play it today. I want my friend to hear the message of the song because she might hear the words I wasn’t able to say. Surprisingly for a radio DJ, I’m actually not very good at talking. So, I don’t know if you’re listening but I hope you are. Sorry we both suck at communication. Me, especially. And now here we go with Jeebanoff and Sumin’s “Wish.”

Your heart was in your throat before the song even started to play. You’ve never heard these chords before but you couldn’t focus on the music as your mind replayed the way Jaebum had called you his friend and dedicated a whole song for you on his radio show. That surely explained why he’d asked you to tune in today but you still didn’t think you deserved getting a personal dedication on the radio.

♪ We are not that different, I wish you feel the same way as me

♪ Even though sometimes I play with you, I wish you won’t ever leave

You perked up at the lyrics all of a sudden, your breath hitching in your throat. You were expecting some sort of a hidden meaning you’d have to decipher – everything about Jaebum was complicated, after all – but, apparently, you were about to hear everything that Jaebum “wasn’t able to say” play loud and clear in your ear.

♪ When your face gets stiff ‘cause of the small things

♪ All kinds of thoughts and plans run through my head in a split second so I won’t lose you

You felt your cheeks sting, the urge to smile too strong to resist. Despite wanting to shake your head at first – the small things mentioned in the song didn’t seem that small to you in reality – you couldn’t help but eventually give in to the impulses and smile widely as you lost yourself in the song, knowing that Jaebum was listening to the same song you were and was, perhaps, even singing along.

♪ I wish incredible things would happen to me

♪ I tend to thank more for the things I didn’t expect

You almost laughed at the unexpectedly self-assured chorus, but stopped yourself when you noticed people pass you. They must have thought you looked stupid already, grinning like an idiot as you listened to the song play in your earphones. You wondered if they’d understand the reason for your unexpectedly cheerful expression if you told them that a guy you had feelings for had just dedicated a song to you on his radio to make up for everything he’s told you last night even though you didn’t think there was anything to apologize for. If anything, you should have been grateful he had finally dared to open up.

So, no, no one else was probably going to understand the many different emotions you were experiencing. You barely understood them yourself. And if there was one person who could figure out all the feelings brewing inside of you – because, maybe, there was an abundance of them inside of him, too – then it was the person sending you his words through the lyrics of this song.

♪ If there’s something that I’m not good at, it’s expressing my emotions

♪ If there’s a good instructor for it, let me know

Nodding along to yourself, you found Jaebum’s number on your phone, preparing to text him with the song playing in the background. You weren’t sure what to say to him, however. Perhaps a good conversation starter would have been the question if he’d personally written this song, knowing he’d get into a situation where he would have to find a way to express his feelings, because there was simply no way that one of his favorite songs – as he’d called it – could have depicted the situation you and him were in so accurately.

Or, perhaps, it was just you—and him—who found the parallels between this song and your life. People tended to see things they wanted to see when they were overwhelmed with emotion – you knew that better than anyone, having noticed traces of Jaebum in countless things surrounding you ever since you realized you were falling for him.

♪ You know I look a little cold-hearted

♪ I want you to trust me even though I look expressionless

Your heart warmed with each line and you found yourself forgetting what the fight the two of you had had was about. Realizing that the only thing you were always upset about when fighting with Jaebum was losing him – and losing your friendship – lead to a consequent realization: he’d dedicated a song to you as a symbolic offering of peace which had to mean that you were finally back to where you’d started. No hard feelings between you – if there were any to begin with. You were returning to the confusing state between being just roommates—just friends—and being something else.

The song worked miracles on your tired heart, however, and you felt yourself begin to relax until the lyrics suddenly took an unexpected turn.

♪ I just want you to hold my hand tighter and introduce me to your friends

♪ Things won’t always go as I wish, but I want you to show me to others more

♪ I want you to brag more that I’m yours

No longer sure if Jaebum meant to dedicate every line of the song to you or if, suddenly, he was starting to panic and regret his choice because he had forgotten that this was how the lyrics went, you found yourself straightening in your seat as you listened to the song progress.

♪ Even sometimes when I look indifferent

♪ Don’t bother, I’ll smile more

♪ Don’t overreact, I’ll do the things you like

♪ I’m still dreaming. I wish we walk hand in hand

Swallowing, you finished listening to the rest of the song while staring at the many allegedly hand-drawn stars on the wall in front of you as you tried to calm your rapidly beating heart down. It‘s been banging against your ribcage ever since the second verse started and you tried to tell yourself that you were just overanalyzing the lyrics, but you couldn‘t help the sudden surge of emotions—excitement? Anxiety? What was it this time?—that the words spoken in the song had caused you to feel.

Jaebum had dedicated this song to you, specifically stating that he hoped you‘d hear the words he wasn‘t able to say. Well, what did he mean by that? Which words, exactly, were you supposed to pay special attention to? The ones describing the subject‘s lack of proper emotions, or the ones describing the subject‘s wish to walk with you hand-in-hand?

Of course, there was also the possibility that Jaebum wanted you to hear both sides of the song – the subtle apology and the not-so-subtle indication at a desire for a relationship – but that wasn‘t very likely. Alright, no, scratch that, -- after last night, maybe it was a little likely. You just didn‘t want it to be.

You‘ve clawed each other‘s chests last night. You‘ve accused him of comparing you to his ex – rightfully so – and refused to hear him out properly – what kind of a relationship could you offer him, even if he did want to have one with you?

You knew that the only reason why the two of you still lived together was because there just was something there. A pull, perhaps. A spark. Or just your stupidity. Or maybe even plain laziness. Either way, if you acted on the feelings that could have potentially been there, hidden carefully in the darkest corners of your minds, you might end up ripping each other‘s throats out and then moving out immediately after the first bloody fight. It was one thing to fight as roommates who might have had feelings for each other – you could use your selective memory and purposefully ignore the affectionate things he might have said to you in order to continue living your life in a room next-door to his – but it was completely different to fight as a couple.

You wouldn‘t last. It would never work. There was no point to try.

A relationship had to be built on a secure foundation. You and Jaebum were merely toying with poured concrete – building it up and then tearing it down again – instead of actually creating the substantial base for a house. For a relationship.

Jaebum was smart enough to know that, which had to mean that he only dedicated this song to you to tell you that he was sorry he was so bad at expressing himself. It was just a nice gesture that was supposed to save you both the trouble of having to sit down and actually talk about the fight – because, chances were, it was going to escalate and turn into a whole new argument. Some things were better left untouched, at least, for the time being.

You nearly jumped up when your phone vibrated. You hadn‘t even noticed that a new song was playing on your earphones and the conversation that you had opened on your phone had lit up with a new text message from Jaebum.

Inhaling and then exhaling again, you typed a response, double-checking every word to make sure you weren‘t going to reveal just how hard he‘d shaken up your heart by dedicating a song to you.

You purposefully mentioned the rather egotistic chorus of the song just so you wouldn‘t have to comment on any other lyrics but Jaebum, probably unable to tell if you were angry at him or just teasing him, suddenly called your phone.

He‘s never done that. Ever since you first met him, you have never heard his voice over the phone before.

You were almost afraid to hear it now as you carefully pressed “answer,” your hands starting to shake.

“Yes?” you said, clearing your throat after you realized how official your voice sounded.

“I’m glad you heard the song,” Jaebum said and your heart skipped a beat. Dear Lord, how much attention had the universe put into him? His voice over the radio already sounded heavenly, but it was a whole different story when you heard him speak directly to you on the phone. It was truly unfair for one person to have a voice that could make your heart race from miles away. “I was afraid you’d forget or just… not listen.”

“No, I didn’t forget,” you said, thinking your next words through. “I like the song. It’s good. But you didn’t have to go so far and dedicate a song to me. Won’t that get you in trouble with your boss?”

“Hopefully not,” he said. “He shouldn’t have been listening today, but I guess we’ll see.”

“Right. And then you’ll get fired because of me. That’s great.”

Jaebum laughed. “Worth it.”

You couldn’t resist smiling – his laughter was just as breathtaking as his voice – as you considered what to say next.

“I’m sorry,” you ended up saying, wanting to get the feelings of guilt off your chest. Yeah. You couldn’t really ignore last night’s fight for long – the things that were meant to remain untouched? It was basically your job to touch them. “I really wasn’t listening to you yesterday. I guess it’s just because I didn’t like what you were saying, and I—”

“I didn’t like what I was saying, either,” Jaebum said, trying not to sound too eager to change the topic. “For what it’s worth after everything I’ve said, I don’t think you’re anything like Suji.”

You looked down. “It’s okay. I understand why you made the comparison. I just… I didn’t want you to.”

“I shouldn’t have,” he said. “You were right, I wasn’t being fair to you. I didn’t give you a chance to show me the real you. I just went ahead and gave in to my paranoia, or whatever it was that made me… hide from you. Suji is, unfortunately, a human being as we all are, which, naturally, implies that there will be lots of people who will be somewhat like her. Some more than others. You’re not one of those people. You’re—sorry. I just—you’re n-not the kind of person who’d overcome someone else’s life. At least not voluntarily. I’m sorry if I made it sound like you’d do that. I was… I was afraid. I still am.”

You didn’t say anything out of fear of entering a perpetual cycle of apologies where you’d take everything you said back, and he’d do the same and, eventually, both of you would be left with nothing. You didn’t like what happened last night but you didn’t want the words you’ve spoken to each other to cease to exist. Among many things that you could have voiced differently, there were also some statements that you didn’t want Jaebum to take back, even if you no longer dared to repeat them in your mind in fear that you’d allow yourself to be fooled by the possible romantic connotations you’ve found in his words.

“The song you played for me,” you spoke again. “It had lyrics about not being good at expressing emotions. I assume that’s you – the supposedly emotionless guy?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum replied. You could feel his smile in his voice. “That’s me.”

“You’re not doing so bad,” you told him. “Maybe you’re better at talking about your feelings than you think.”

“That’s just because you’re not next to me,” he said. “I can’t seem to think straight when I’m with you.”

You wanted to tell yourself that the wave of hotness that washed over you had nothing to do with Jaebum’s words but your mind wasn’t accepting it and proceeded to clear itself of any rational thought as you sat there, knowing very well you looked like you’ve just witnessed a murder: your eyes wide, lips parted in surprise, mouth dry.

“You’re, uh… well, you know,” you said, coughing from the sudden lack of air in your lungs. “We live together. You’ll get used to me.”

“Maybe,” he agreed, his emotional state seeming completely fine to you, which was extremely unusual. Having him talk about his feelings while not engaged in an argument with you threw you off even more. “I’ll just use music in the meanwhile.”

“Speaking of,” you said, perking up at a chance to talk about something else. “Will I ever get to hear your music? Not trying to drop any hints or anything but maybe the next song you use to express your feelings can be a song you wrote.”

Jaebum chuckled – finally sounding nervous – and then stayed quiet for a few moments before asking, “what are you doing right now?”

“Right now?” you repeated, a little confused. Was he trying to get out of answering your question? “Well, I’m at the observatory. I came to take pictures, there was supposed to be this room with a hand-drawn universe—or the Milky Way, or whatever—on its walls but, really, it’s kind of underwhelming now that I think about it.”

You weren’t trying to be ignorant or dismissive – the people who’d worked on this room had undoubtedly done a good job. But, in comparison to the emotional rollercoaster Jaebum had just taken you on, everything was underwhelming.

“Oh, well, in that case, I’m going out to Jackson’s studio after I wrap up here,” he said, hesitating for another moment but not because he was doubting the decision to say these next words but rather because, even though he couldn’t see you, he still felt awkward saying this, “you could come with me. I’d introduce you.”

Hearing this meant a lot. After you found out that Jaebum’s coldness towards you was prompted by your developing friendship with one of his friends, you weren’t sure if you’d ever go back to Mark’s bar, but having Jaebum specifically invite you to meet another friend of his was a huge step forwards for you both. This meant you didn’t have to purposefully avoid anyone that Jaebum could have known so you wouldn’t make him think you were trying to steal his friends away from him.

Now he was inviting you to meet his friends. That could mean he was willing to step out of his comfort zone and confront his fear of allowing someone to get close to him. That could also mean – and you were aware that you might have been getting far too ahead of yourself with this – that you and him were finally building the foundation.

“Are you sure?” you asked awkwardly. “I don’t want to—”

“No, yeah, I’m sure,” Jaebum cut you off. “I’ve talked to Jackson about you. He’s looking forward to meeting you too, so, you know, why not do it today? You can take pictures at his studio.”

“I—” your mind suddenly headed in a completely different direction, “—I can? Won’t that bother him?”

“Not at all. He’s into photography himself,” he said and you flashed back to the night Mark gave you an insight into Jackson; you could vaguely remember him mentioning that Jackson’s family was extremely artistic and Jaebum confirmed this, “his family owns a few galleries or something like that. I don’t know. He doesn’t spend a lot of time there at the moment. But he’d love it if you turned his studio into art.”

You smiled at this. “I wouldn’t call it art.”

“I would.”

“Well…” completely flustered, you tried to remember how to speak. “Will I get to hear your art then? I mean, it’d only be fair. You’ve seen my pictures.”

Jaebum considered this – remaining as cautious about his music as he always has – and then hummed in response.

“We’ll talk about it there, okay?” he said finally. This wasn’t an outright “no” and that had to mean something. “I’m sure Jackson will want to talk your ear off about all the embarrassing things he’s seen me do and we’ll have no time for anything else.”

You started to get giddy at the prospect of hearing more about what Jaebum was like when he was around his friends – the people who knew him the best – and even had to pull the phone away from your ear so he wouldn’t hear you inhale deeply – a last-ditch attempt to calm yourself down. This entire phone call was going to make you lose it.

“Okay,” you said finally. “That sounds like a lot of fun.”

“Having me exposed? Sure, that’s fun,” Jaebum replied, making you chuckle. “I’ll text you when I’m done here, yeah? I have to get back now or else I’ll put all two of my listeners on literal radio silence and then really get fired.”

“I’m sure there are more than two listeners,” you said. “I mean, unless you and I count as one.”

You were hoping to hear him laugh but Jaebum didn’t make a sound. You couldn’t help but think about his face as you waited for him to speak – was he smiling as he gathered his thoughts? God, you hoped he wasn’t; you’d have hated not seeing that.

“Yeah,” Jaebum said then, his voice breathy, “you and I count as one.”

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w-m-blake · 5 years

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I’m very proud of the writing I’ve done this week! Mortal Truth; and You Wish You Didn’t Ask the Question came out on Sunday; You Are Dead, My Life, and I Still Breathe came out yesterday; and I just posted the fifth chapter of The Sands of Titan! This week has been very productive! To celebrate (and because I want to know what people are interested in reading next), under the cut I’m putting the titles and short synopses of fics I’ve got on my to-do list. Message me if you want more information/want to weigh in on what to write next.

If Even Death Were Grace: “we begin in the dark/and birth is the death of us,” Anne Carson, “antigonick.” Anthony Stark, son of Howard Stark, Titan of the Forge, and Maria Carbonell, Titaness of Family and the Hearth, God of Invention, finds himself like Iphigenia, a sacrifice—a pawn—to placate the furies of other deities, for transgressions he didn’t commit. Nevertheless, he holds his chin up and walks the path to Hel, averting a war and agreeing to a marriage both. Better this than the alternative. Frostiron, retelling of Persephone and Hades (at least inspired by) with Tony in the place of Persephone and Loki as Hades.

I’m Not Playing God: (All this time, I’ve been playing human.) Frostiron, ThorBruce. Tony Stark walks out of the abandoned bunker in Siberia having awakened, realizing he was a god born to walk with humans. Rewriting from about the end of Ragnarok to Endgame.

I Hear You Whisper underneath Your Breath/I Hear You Whisper You Have Nothing Left: Tony wakes from nightmares of a life he can hardly imagine, a life where he’s left behind in a freezing bunker by an enemy wearing Steve Rogers’ face. Loki tries to comfort him, to distract him from these visions, but they become harder and harder to ignore—until something has to give. Frostiron.

Desiring More Yet: Harley Keener is always hungry, always starving, always looking for the next thing to drive his teeth into. He burns through ideas, through petty lovers, through inventions and motivations and addictions, looking for something—anything—that will satisfy him. He was hungry before leaving Rose Hill, his hunger driving him to New York, and he's still hungry even now, even cared for and loved by Tony and Pepper, even in this place that was supposed to be everything that he wanted. Perhaps it was some kind of idle dream, expecting thing new place to be all that he wanted, all that he needed.It did, at least, provide more distractions from his hunger than Rose Hill, Tennessee did. Peter Parker is content with what he has. Most of the time, at least. Sure, sometimes he's a little lonely—but Aunt May, Ned, MJ, Tony, Pepper, they're all there for him, just a phone call or a text away at their farthest. Sure, sometimes he carries this guilt from not doing enough, not being enough, failing people—but he's Spiderman, and he can't afford to get too down, because he's got other people counting on him. He pulls through. Sure, sometimes, the night is so big and dark and he feels like it's so empty it's going to swallow him whole, but Karen's in his ear all night, keeping him going. He's fine. Really. Maybe he's not as fine as he wants to be. Parkner.

One-Part Sadness, Two-Parts Tragedy: a Harley Keener character study told in three parts: the first is his time in Rose Hill, the second his transition from Rose Hill to NYC with Tony and Pepper’s help, and the third NYC post-Endgame. Major character death, no happy ending.

Warfare and a Man at War: a Tony Stark character study that will be a series, beginning with Warfare and a Man at War, followed by Of Gods and Men and concluding with In Hope and Fear. Warfare and a Man at War will focus on human conflict, the struggles of human war and its effects. Of Gods and Men will be the introduction of aliens and Other threats, justified paranoia, and how one fights an outmatched battle to win. In Hope and Fear will conclude the series; it will be the end results, the conclusion, what happens to civilians once the threat is “gone.”

Brinesoaked Bodies: mermaid!au. Chapter titles: “Left Broadside onto Breaking Seas;” “The Black Hurricane;” “Worn by Winds on Every Sea;” “The Whole Uproar of the Great Sea Fell Silent;” “Serenity that Calms the Weather;” “Brinesoaked Bodies.”

Insensible Shades: a Rapunzel/Tangled au meets Orpheus/Eurydice. Harley is the stolen child of King Anthony and Queen Virginia. Peter, a thief/vigilante dubbed “Spiderman,” is on the run from the kingdom’s guards—a misunderstanding, he insists—and comes across a tower. He takes Harley to see the lanterns, initially rather unwillingly, only to accidentally drag Harley into the mess of his non-legal affairs. Peter sacrifices himself to save Harley; Harley, in turn, becomes like Orpheus and travels to Hel to trade for Peter. Parkner, angst with a happy ending.

Boyfriend Clothes: Harley Keener lives in the same dorm as his friend, Peter Parker. They aren’t the closest—Ned Leeds and Michelle Jones definitely take up more of Peter’s time than Harley does—but they share physics and engineering courses, and both work as personal interns for Tony Stark—which is kind of code for Tony pseudo-adopting the young geniuses. Harley’s best friend is Shuri. She laughs at how Harley gushes over Peter—so long as he isn’t around. In turn, Harley teases Shuri for how she stammers around MJ. They’re both disaster gays. One night, Harley sees Peter walking to/from the bathroom (or something similar in the dorm) in pajama bottoms (shorts, which barely come past the shirt he’s wearing over them) and a giant fleece button down. It reached down almost to his mid-thigh and hung off his shoulder a little, the top button undone so the shirt was open to about his mid-sternum. Harley took this as obvious evidence that Peter now had a boyfriend (maybe even staying in his room that very night) and had to get to the bottom of it; he had to at least know who Peter was with—if only for the purposes of moving on. Parkner, college!au, no powers, silly fluff & humor, shenanigans.

Untitled #1: In order to keep the Time Stone from Thanos, Stephen Strange liquefies it (the way that the Reality Stone becomes Aether) and places it inside the only one on Titan who has withstood an infinity stone before: Tony. Thanos retreats temporarily to plan again; Tony must learn to use his newly-gained magic before he returns in order to save the universe.

Untitled #2: Disturbances occurring in the magical “ley lines” or Circumstances lead to Stephen investigating the multiverse; the disturbances aren’t coming from within this universe, or perhaps even any specific universe. They seem to be coming from all universes and none of them at the same time; it’s the roots of Yggdrasil, shaking with anticipation for whatever is on its way. A horror lurks in the void between Yggdrasil’s roots, and Stephen has to locate and banish it. Frostironstrange, Ironstrange, multiple universes, alternate timelines, horror/lovecraftian horror.

Untitled #3: Space pirates. The Ironfam (Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce, Peter, Harley, Morgan) are on the run from the imperial rule of the SHIELD system upon Tony, Rhodey, and Bruce discovering the way their military employers maintain and gain power. They’re pursued by a small task-force (Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Sam; Phil is their handler) from SHIELD and the Winter Soldier, a ship from the HYDRA system (once a colony of SHIELD which revolted and is now in the throes of a Reign of Terror, French revolution style) commandeered by a (brain-washed) captain proficient at hiding his ship using comets and ice rock fields. (The Winter Soldier is captained by James Barnes, a spy sent by SHIELD to keep an eye on HYDRA, only to fall into their hands.) The Winter Soldier has commands to capture Tony, Rhodey, and Bruce for their military & scientific knowledge. Yggdrasil is a system far enough from SHIELD and HYDRA that neither know of it; it’s ruled by Odin, king of Asgard and conqueror of Jotunheimr, Vanaheimr, Alfheim, Muspell, Svartalfheim, Niflheim, and Nidavellir. Loki was taken from Jotunheimr when it was the last planet to be subdued by Asgard, being the furthest planet from the system’s star; Odin intends on making Loki the ambassador for the Jotuns, knowing that they still mourn the loss of their prince. Loki doesn’t take this well when he finds out; his mother Freyja helps him to flee. Odin sends Thor after him to capture him “on grounds of treason.” Stephen Strange flees the Sanctum Sanctorum System when his planet, Kamar-Taj, is invaded by the rapidly-spreading empire Dormammu. The Ancient One had been grooming Stephen for taking her position as the protector of Kamar-Taj once she had stepped down, but Kaecilius, a jealous pupil of hers, aided Dormammu in infiltrating Kamar-Taj’s defenses as what he saw as retribution for being looked over for the position. The Ancient One, worried for the fate of the people she protects (not necessarily governs, though almost every government on Kamar-Taj recognized her as an influential power), sent Stephen away, having one of her trusted advisers, Wong, take him from the system. Kaecilius hears of the plot to sneak Stephen off the planet before the Dormammu forces could invade, and he attempts to prevent their escape. This fails, but Stephen does gain the favor of the Cloak of Levitation in this fight. Stephen and Wong escape, bringing the Cloak. Stephen intends on someday returning to rid Kamar-Taj of Dormammu rule, but he has a lot to learn from Wong and the universe first. All of these plotlines intersect, threading through, around, and with one another. Polycule: Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce. Eventual additions of Frostironstrange and ThorBruce

Untitled #4: sick!fic; I have the list of headcanons/ideas here. Parkner. Cute & fluffy, featuring trans Peter with an unidentified but minor sickness and Harley being a good boyfriend.

Untitled #5: Stardust!au. Part One: Tony Stark leaves Wall to explore the land beyond it which beckons him, but only for a short time, with people depending on him back home. He falls for an imprisoned fae, attempts to free him, but ultimately fails and must return to Wall. Not long after, the watcher of the wall brings him a child in a wicker basket named Harley. Part Two: Eighteen years later, Harley Keener is infatuated with a girl named Victoria. He, trying to win her hand over her other suitor, E.J., promises to bring her a star that they see falling from the sky. He expects something like a precious stone; he, instead, meets Peter. They get dragged into an adventure running from star-eating warlocks, meeting lightning-catching pirates—who always make sure to dock frequently, so their captain can see his alchemist spouse—and a wild scramble for a throne that seems to have no viable heir. (Whether the fae is Loki or Stephen, I haven’t yet decided. Weigh in if you have a preference.) Parkner, ThorBruce, either Frostiron or Ironstrange.

Beyond these, I have my NaNoWriMo story (rough hands//soft hearts) and my Clint Barton Bingo card.

#my work #update #okay I'm rlly happy about the SoT chapter ?? so i wanted to celebrate #& I also rlly like talking about what I'm working on #partially because it makes me think about it so I'm more likely to get it done sooner #but I also am just rlly excited to write them #!!

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