#like I too have many holes in my life

[rowanhoney]

my favourite way to remind myself I’m just like other girls is to read an ask polly sent by someone entirely individual who’s current experience resonates so deeply with my own and know that even if heather havrilesky’s words are directed to that person, they’re for all of us because so many of us will relate deeply to that one person again and again and again

#I’m reading the one abt not knowing what to write but knowing what they want and how do they seek it out #and fr so relatable #like I too have many holes in my life #I’m suffocated by the city I live in #and my closest friends are the furthest away so I feel very lonely sometimes #and I’m not longer interested in dating cos I’ve never enjoyed it but also I do want a family of my own #but MOSTLY I wanna be a book writing bass playing bee keeping barista babe #I feel so I’m touch with the niche and creative sides of myself and it’s such a gift #I’m so in love w myself that it balances the missing aspects and I can throw myself into it #if anything it’s the reward on the other side of the loneliness coin #like I really enjoy spending time w myself and just. thinking freely . my brain is fun #and idk given some minor alterations ppl can relate both to me and the woman who sent the letter #I Love ask polly

[reliccipher]

just ended up sending in feedback about the layout to support. But I have to say it here too, this new layout is such a pain in the ass to figure out. I hated twitter's layout for the same reason, its so annoying to use and everything feels so cluttered and squished in and distracting... it's actually headache inducing.

I really wish I had the option to switch back. I wish there was an option to CHOOSE between the two layouts. I wish I had the choice to opt out of "testing" this thing.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it" really should have been brought up before they even tried making this. It was fine before, and now the new layout is completely different and frustrating when it didn't need to be.

If I wanted Twitter's layout, I would have just fucking gone to Twitter.

#tumblr update #tumblr upd8 #new layout #i'm so frustrated #i didn't want this at all #this was the last website I actually felt like I could navigate #youtube has become annoying to use #twitter is atrocious #i don't want to touch facebook with a 40 foot pole #instagram seems like a pain in the ass #it's slowly looking like I should just cut the line and quit using the internet altogether #but i'd lose all my opportunities to actually have a social life #and i wouldn't be able to share my art #but AI is ruining that too #and my social situation is such a complicated fucking mess #Like I want to reach out to some of my old IRLs but I don't know what they think of me or if they even want to hear from me #I deleted my discord without warning in 2020 and I feel guilty about it. And some awful shit was happening and I should have talked to them #idk. sorry for the dump. might delete the more personal tags later #it's just depressing seeing everything fall apart like this when I already feel like I have too many holes in myself to patch #or maybe this is just what my 20s are gonna be like. I hope not.

[incesthemes]

it is utterly miserable for a mediocre show to have a really good plot or make god tier parallels or connections because you're like well this show isn't good and the writing is flimsy and there are so many holes and bland storylines, but they paralleled the season finale to an earlier season finale and then made the weight of that decision foundational to the next season so now my every waking thought is consumed by it

#liveblogging: supernatural #i'm shaking and trembling as the horrors consume me #season 9 was so lacking for it to have been so significant and insane #sam's CHOICE he CHOSE dean. he CHOSE codependency. he CHOSE love for his brother above ALL ELSE #and then season 10 kicks off with all of that CRASHING DOWN AROUND HIM #1. he can't save his brother 2. his brother hates him 3. he's having all his shortcomings thrown in his face #he gave up EVERYTHING for dean in the s9 finale. and then dean TURNS INTO A DEMON #this show is not good. the writing isn't good. technically speaking. there are so many plot holes. senseless retcons. underexplored ideas #it's flimsy and weak and poorly paced and developed #and then they throw THIS SHIT into it #like WHAT am i supposed to do. WHAT am i supposed to feel #season 9 sucked but it changed the trajectory of my life forever. HOW do i cope with that #i wish demon dean would kill ME with a hammer so i didn't have to sit here and stew in my feelings. over this season 8-10 insanity #supernatural goes TOO HARD for having such mediocre writing. i'm going to light myself on fire #.txt

[megansplants]

.

#I feel a little like I’m losing my passion for plants #not that I don’t still LOVE my plants #but like I don’t need to spend hours on the weekends messing with them anymore #I have so many other things I’m doing that make me happy #I don’t have a hole in my life to fill with plants #there isn’t as much NEED there anymore #and I kind of….. don’t mind #Bridger and I are happy and I love my job #we love to hang out together and basically spend all day on the weekends and all evening every day talking #and playing games and snuggling and having fun and listening to records #I feel so much more fulfilled than I did when I was lonely in school #like I’m so much more ‘well then fuck you too!’ when people say stupid shit when I give advice on social media #I used to feel the need to explain everything and I spent a lot of time moderating the plant group #and i really wanted my book to become a huge thing #but now it’s kind of like….. I tinker around with stuff when I feel like it #I will get on the plant group once every few weeks instead of every few hours #I’m just living life man

[elenadoeslife]

your first love hits different

#another day another vent-in-the-tags post #i came across a picture of me and my fiest boyfriend of five years today. picture must've been 10 years old at this point #found many more pictures of him and us on my dad's old pc #i can just feel my body pull and heart ache when i look at him in the pictures #wondering what my life would've looked like if i hadn't broken things off between us #we tried to stay friends and a couple of months later we went for a drink. when daying goodbye he moved in to kiss me #i was hesitant and stepped away. he couldn't bare having me in his life while not being together so he cut off all contact #don't get me wrong in any of my thoughts- i love babe whole heartedly and he's the only man for me now and in my future #it's just that nagging feeling burried deep. the 'what if's. what if i felt more confident about my body back then? #what if i hadn't moved on so quickly? what if i had let him kiss me? #i tried texting him telling him i was approved for gbp surgery (i broke things off because i was very insecure about my body) #he congratulated me and sincerely wished me all the happiness in the world but also asked me not to contact him again after this #it's been 7-ish years but every now and then i wonder how he's doing and what he's up to #he doesn't really have social media apart from facebook (and that page is private) and i only stayed in touch with his former best friend #but i'm not gonna ask him because i know they haven't spoken in years either #i've had plenty more relationships after him but i rarely ever think about those guys #am i okay? is this normal? lol #i should get my head out of this rabbit hole asap #add: the picture is almost 15 years old lol. my math ain't mathing. we met in 2009. not that it's important #i think i just moved on too quickly and didn't allow myself time & space to grieve. that's why he keeps popping up in my thoughts now & then

[candyskiez]

Man the grief is a hole thing really helps. But unfortunately now I am realizing my own patterns. Fuck.

#i am trying to shove other things into the hole #i am making the hole wider because I'm shoving too many things into the hole #I'm scared everyone else doesn't have a hole and is going to leave me behind because theyre sick of me being like this #and thus making the hole worse by trying to force them to like me #the hole won't get smaller but i cant stop trying to fill it #i just. fuck #i feel so goddamn empty #and I'm making it worse! i know I'm making it worsen #if i stay i rip myself apart if i leave i get replaced #i dont know what to do #and maybe im overdramatic. maybe they actually care and me going would hurt them #but i just #im trying to force them to fill the void in my life and it's going to kill me #it almost killed me actually #genuinely it almost killed me #but if i leave i get a bigger hole #i know I'll grow bigger than it if i stick it out. #but the thing is. i dont know if I can #i don't know if Id live if i lost anyone else #genuinely #so. #candyskiez vent #tw suicide #if you make a sex joke i will eat your organs

[flitterywings]

sitting here and thinking about everything that fell to the wayside in this past year and feeling terrible about it 🙂

#I lost an entire year of my life to health #not even a year LONGER than a year #I was so busy trying to survive that everything else just took a back seat #so many things fell through the cracks #I’m so on edge about it #I still can’t see me going back to work on the horizon #I haven’t been able to visit the people I love for far too long #I can barely go to the grocery store or a doctor appointment #hell!!! I’ve been in hell!!!!!!!! I’m so ready for it to be over!!!!!!!!!!!! #I want my normalcy back #I need life to happen again #we have such little time here on this earth and I have an entire year+ of nothing #just gone #2023 was just a massive black hole and I feel like I can’t escape it #like I just feel so isolated and unable to do anything about it #when will I get my life back #bria.txt

[amynchan]

k so today, I was teaching. And, in my normal style, I try to encourage my students by reminding them that this class isn't forever and that they should take with them skills that they'll be able to use elsewhere. What else is my job if not to prepare my students for other areas in life?

and so, and I do not know how I got around to saying this, I said something along the lines of "you only gotta put up with this for 3 more weeks, then you don't gotta see me anymore! :DDD"

and there wasn't the amount of enthusiasm anymore. like, usually, my students banter back and forth with me about this. like a game

so I'm like "what, you guys actually gonna miss me?" just being a cheeky lil' shit because I absolutely want these guys to thrive and smile if they can

and one of the dudes goes 'actually, yeah' in, like, a soft lil' voice that just pierces me in my gosh darn friggin heart

EXCUSE ME

HOW IS MY HEART

SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS!??

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE THAT FLAVOR OF EMOTIONAL WITH MY CLASSES UNTIL THEY'VE GOTTEN ALL THEIR WORK DONE AND I'M ALLOWED TO BE UNABASHADLY PROUD WITHOUT SCREWING UP THEIR WORK ETHIC!!!

TTATT

Listen. I know I'm already proud of you guys for bearing with this semester. I know that it's been hard and that y'all wanna quit. But you guys don't get to know that until after you've made it to the final line so that you can actually b r e a t h e.

that being said, I don't think "I didn't think anyone was gonna miss me" was the correct answer to give my class for this and I am just

#u g h #what is my life #to be clear i'm not actually upset by this #but like #give a girl some warning #;-; #why would you miss me? #I have been assigning you essays all semester #gaaaah #w h y #too many emotions #happy and exasperated and a bit honored #now i gotta do something to poke a hole in my big head

[curly-cottage-girl]

///

#just feeling a lot of things and I don’t like them bc they’re kinda ugly #I know this yearning and gaping hole in my chest is ultimately supposed to be filled with God #at least in the sense that I’m not driven to envy over others being loved more than me #but I def have not been good with prayer lately. at all :/ #I’m feeling discouraged in many ways too. I want to try to do more hobbies but the learning curve is so steep when i look at them #and I already have almost no motivation anyway so that discourages me even more #I wish I WANTED to do stuff #I wish I had plans and goals in my life bc as I get older it’s more embarrassing when i talk with ppl #had a preliminary meeting with a guy who does financial advising and that kind feel flat bc like #I have no goals I’m working towards #and also I don’t even know how to describe myself and what I like and all #I caved and thought maybe I’ll make a Catholic match profile bc maybe God wants me to be more proactive #even if I don’t think I would ever be able to do anything like online dating at all #bc I can’t even do regular dating irl #I want to have known the person for a long time first #but anyway that’s ANOTHER whole thing #so anyway I stopped making my account when I had to describe myself for the profile and I just drew a blank #like sorry I don’t do or like anything :/ #I mean it’s not true but it also kinda is? #but yeah now I get all sorts of emails from catholic match and I can’t unsubscribe bc you have to sign in to unsubscribe #and I technically don’t have an account yet -_- bc I didn’t finish… so stupid #maybe I should go back to therapy…. #but I really was feeling like I had hit a plateau. like really it was stuff in my life that needed to change #or spiritual healing and growth #and there was only so much that talking could do by that point after I had done a good amount of growing in self knowledge #not like it ever ends really but also I had to wake up early to have them before work #and also it’s money so yeah I stopped :/ #so IDK #idk what to do #either in my life or for my mental/emotional state

[milo-is-rambling]

Don’t get high and then watch the only team you care about lose

#was this Bergerons last season? I don’t want him to leave. we were talking about missing tukka too and it was so sad and I love our goalies #so much. I’m excited for next season bc it won’t be so fresh with all the shit with my dad bc I basically ignored the team until playoffs bc #it made me so fucking sad bc he’s the one from Boston who loved hockey and we all watched it together and now he’s not a part of that #and it’s just so sad man. I do get really happy at the idea of me living on my own some day and watching bruins with friends and drinking #and smoking and laughing and cheering together and being sad and angry together it’s truly so incredible #one day I will be on my own and I will carry traditions dad made with me even if I don’t have kids I will have so many friends to watch #hockey with and they’ll have friends to watch hockey with and I will host a watch party bc I like hosting and having friends and so I’ll #host a hockey watch party in my shitty little apartment and I’ll apologize to my neighbors ahead of time bc the game is on and we might get #loud #ahhh daydreaming about a shitty apartment anywhere back up north with hearts in my eyes and love in my soul #I am high. and thinking about hockey. and life. and time passing. things change but they stay the same. huge players leave and new players #join but it’s still the same team and it’s got all this history #but just ughh idk #I’m having big feelings in my small tired heart and man’s can’t express #edibles that make me cry why are you making me cry stop it #literally 5mg goes right to my crying holes it’s ridiculous body stop making me cry

[erythristicbones]

just spent 20 minutes running back and forth down the hallway bc Nori apparently found a fucking mouse inside and decided it was a toy. she kept dropping it and catching it again when it ran and then at one point flung it several feet into the air. the mouse then proceeded to rocket under the couch before any of use could catch it bc of said flinging. so. mouse loose in our home

how's everyone else's afternoon

#whicb kind of explains why she's been loafing in the bathroom so much lately #the mouse was under the cabinet and ig nori has had her eye on it for a week #i looked under the cabinet expecting a fucking gecko bc thats always what i have to rescue from the cats #not an entire itty bitty mouse #like smallest mouse ive ever seen in my life #had all of its fur and motor functions tho so its not too much of a baby #i have zero clue how it got in considering we dont have very many access points?? #there's no holes we know of and its a mobile home that sits up off the ground so it had to climb to get in #and the cats are strictly indoors so its not like they caught it outside #we've had mice get into the air vents bc theyre in the floor....but none of the vents allow something that small up them?? #bc its a foot of sheer metal with no purchases

[kindafooey]

YESSSS THE SPRING SEMINAR IS HAPPENING MASTER'S THESIS HERE I COOOOME

#I'm stupid happy about this omg #because so far everything about my restarted master's have been just delays after delays and just all kinds of problems #that I can't do anything about #FINALLY things are going the way they're supposed to #though I probably won't graduate until like spring 2025 because uhh. *sweats* there's a new minor program in the faculty of arts #and I really really want to do that as an additional thing. and as long as I'm enlisted in the master's degree I can access it for free #I could take it after graduating but it'd cost me a few hundred so like. *gestures* #well I'm considering my options but hhhghghghgh I'm falling into the exact same rabbit hole as I did 11 years ago #too many cool things to study #anyway yesss at least I can get started on the thesis now #it's gonna be dope #if my proposition is accepted I'll be researching peer pedagogy as an integral part of the woke youth culture #meaning like. the informal pedagogics of young people educating one another on the internet and in real life #I've been rotating this subject in my head for the past four years and I'm so freaking stoked to finally get down to it #ugh I really hope it'll be accepted

[itsukicoded]

🥮.

#every other day im pulling myself apart thread by frayed thread until all the worms spill out of me that i’ve been holding together for this #long. and i acknowledge that’s there’s a large part of me that doesn’t wish for healing anymore. im sick of analyzing my every thought #feeling and emotion im tired of thinking of everyone else or trying to tell myself to be less erratic i don’t want anymore journal prompts #to explain my behavior don’t want to look at how my anger towards someone has some childhood trauma behind it im sick of doing this sort of #thing the problems i have now can’t be solved w ‘understanding’ anymore the over understanding is a part of the underlying issue #im sick of having to become a ‘better person’ or reaching my darkest self and help be become more ‘empathetic to others’ i don’t want to be #a good person i want to be messy i want to scream i want cry i want to make massive mistakes stand in the rain until i get sick i want to no #call no show at work i want to break windows trespass on abandoned property run down a dark road at night drive to a different place and #sleep in my car i want to smash a plate on the sidewalk i want to lose my fucking mind why can’t that be healing? is it too unsightly? will #i inconvenience someone if they knew my feelings? i don’t care to be helpful i don’t want to be kind anymore i want the concept of goodness #to gasp for air underneath my heel im resenting the angel that gouged a hole in my chest im corrupting her pouring a hot searing black oil #down her throat maybe she won’t survive it. these aren’t feelings i can express at 24 i was supposed to have my emotional outbursts like six #years ago when i was a kid. im only losing control on the inside though bc embracing my ugliness is only acceptable if im becoming sweeter #if i can be a beacon for someone who’s hurting. if im becoming beautiful if i carry a magnetism that makes ppl look up to me want to be me #they can’t tell me that it’s okay to feel like holding my face underwater in a stream somewhere secluded. that im allowed to smash things #with a metal bat. that leaving people to cry alone is the only way to have myself back. because kindness is the most important thing in the #world i mean nothing if im not kind. my heart is useless if i haven’t ripped it out and neatly sliced it for someone else’s napkin im #infuriated thinking abt this maybe it’s my own toxic traits showing up maybe im triggered bc someone is telling me ‘be nice’ as if i haven’t #been fucking doing that my entire goddamn life. you have no advice for me? ‘set boundaries be kind’ and for the starving rabid animal in the #pit of my stomach? can i feed her by being kind to others? if i give everyone the share in her bowl then what? how many more years of this #can i take? ‘be kind have empathy’ is there no advice for the storm that brews in my soul? i don’t want to be good or beautiful i want to be #ugly i want to be cold i want to be self centered i want to be angry and selfish i want to paint myself black and burn myself at the stake i #want to be human like everyone else that doesn’t wonder how their lives affect others living without the peripheral vision of a rodent who #still gives a fuck abt being good? why did it mean that much to me anyway? i mean i know why I understand myself very well it’s everyone els #ha oh there’s that me vs then dichotomy again #…….. #maybe i should eat something #or set something on fire #i should make dinner eat and pretend this didn’t happen just like always im okay and i’ll be fine like always #deleting

[tinygothgremlin]

No one:

Me trying to figure out if where I live is a town or a village:

#kinda a shitpost #i think it's a town #while the population is very small #1307 to be exact #it is incorporated and has a local government #it also is pretty dense as there's not many businesses here it's just house after house in a small area #i spent way too much time on this #i also found out that a hamlet is a thing that exists #a hamlet is smaller than a village and is described as a small settlement with no place of worship and no meeting point #i have no idea why i did this #also of all the names they could've chose for a area smaller than a village why did the choose hamlet? #i am not researching that right now because i feel that will be a hell hole and i don't want to deal with that #and by hell hole i mean i know i'm gonna run into stiff from the play hamlet and have sources that go on for way too long about stuff that #is not important to my question #like a recipe from a blog that tells someones whole life story when all i want to do is to know how to make cookies without a mixer or #baking soda or baking powder depending on what the recipe calls for or whatever

[windkonig]

when people say "ok but x bug has no benefit to nature" I bet they can't even name 5 facts about the bug they're shitting on. so how could they Possibly know what its function is in the environment and if it's "useless" or not

wasps being the perfect example, I still get people saying "oh bees are cute and pollinate :) yay. but WASPS ARE EVIL and they don't contribute ANYTHING!!!" and it's like buddy. wasps pollinate too. they also control spider populations. they do a lot of great valuable things. but even if they didn't, they're still worthy of being here. I see SO much hatred toward wasps and I wish people would try to learn a little more about them.

I'm mainly talking about paper wasps here because these are common ones we run into in daily life and most commonly deemed "aggressive". but wasps have body language. and if you learn to read this language and learn how to properly act around them, things will go a lot better for you! wasps can be curious creatures and they may come up to observe you, especially if you're wearing something brightly colored. this can be startling for sure, but my best advice is to just be still, DO NOT SWAT or wave your arms. try to just back away or sidestep so it loses interest and leaves. swatting is just gonna make them feel as if they are being attacked and increase your chances of being stung.

many stings happen due to unfortunate but accidental circumstances. unknowingly getting too close to a nest, stepping on a wasp on accident, one getting stuck in clothing, etc. I got stung once while gardening, went to pull a weed and the wasp was on it, so I grabbed her without knowing and she stung me because she was scared. this doesn't mean "oh wasps are AGGRESSIVE and EVIL" it means you stumbled into an unfortunate situation where the wasps felt threatened and defensive. instead of being like "FUCK all wasps" go forward trying to learn about common nesting areas, be wary of holes in the ground, wear gloves while gardening, and if you do have to be around a nest, try not to make a lot of noise. if the nest absolutely needs removed, call a professional.

#michaelpost #bugs #insects #wasps #another bug rant post but this time i dont think people are ready to hear it #I see MORE hate lately toward wasps than I see toward spiders #and its very annoying bc wasps are an extremely diverse group of insects and have many functions and benefits #it sucks badly to see bees get adored but wasps get shit talked

[myname-isnia]

I had a moment of weakness and now regret it terribly because it has turned into just A Moment which means if I don’t get out of my head right now I will be miserable for the rest of the evening

#I was overcome with the sudden urge to paint #mind you I have not picked up a paintbrush since June #and before that since November #and so. of course. was very quickly and very rudely reminded that I am Not A Painter #the thing is… it was going fine until the paint became involved #I just… no matter how many classes I’ve taken in my life I never know how to handle paints #or colouring pencils. or markers. or anything #it’s like the second colour comes into the picture #it gets ruined #.. I don’t know. maybe I’m just shoving square pegs into round holes #I get insanely inspired when looking at paintings and I want to be able to do that too #but time and time again it has been proven that I’m not meant to be a painter #I don’t even know why I’m still clinging to drawing in general. considering I’ve hit a plateau and haven’t taken any steps towards improving #but maybe it is best to continue to stick to my mediocre digital art. traditional is clearly not for me #can you believe I once genuinely thought I was gonna go to art school? #i don’t know how I ever managed to convince myself of that. I’m useless at art #my area of expertise is pretty girls from the waist up facing a little to the side #I can do that. I’m good at that #anything else? out of luck #and yet I don’t work on branching out or trying to improve at all. I just sit here and whine #over and over again. day in and day out. I come on here and complain #and do nothing to fix what I’m complaining about. I’m doing it right now #how does anyone put up with me? I’m insufferable #I make myself sick