#and my can is literally next to my bed

[brltpop]

Guys, girls, goths and gays please pray for me or wish me good luck because I'm about to EXPLODE

#so back in the day we used to have a family computer on the living room #my dude.... that computer is the chronicle of my teenage years #both the cringe stuff AND music formation #now #yesterday sptfy was acting weird so i decided to play stuff from my old itun3s on desktop #and it was a cool trip down memory lane UNTIL it started to say that the program couldn't locate some files #and so i was like 'oh okay no problem' because those songs were on a pendrive #those songs came from that family computer #BUT that pendrive FREAKING DISAPPEARED #I TURNED MY ENTIRE ROOM UPSIDE DOWN AND I CAN'T FIND IT 😭😭😭 #what's worse is that a couple of days ago i tossed my trashcan" #trash can's content to be disposed ** #and my can is literally next to my bed #WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY TOSSED MY PENDRIVE TO THE TRASH???????? 😭😭😭😭 #so guys please pray for me so i can find it 😭 i am genuinely desperate #rambless

[cozylittleartblog]

had a(nother) nightmare

#deltarune #rouxls kaard #lancer #queen #art #lancer had a bad dream. rouxls comes in to fall asleep in the floor like he always does. queen followed because she needs to #Familiarize Herself with The Rituals and also hey her boy is sad #and then they ALL fell asleep in the floor literally right next to his bed #-- i had tire marks on the bedsheets but they vanished somewhere. damn it #this one isnt old btw i just drew this This Morning HEHEHEHE #its kinda scrungy but thats ok #ok 2 tag ship but not explicitly ship either if ur not into it #i love that half my 'qk' art can very easily be read platonically #i think thats an important aspect of their relationship is that they are good friends and coparents. and THEN they're kissing sometimes #this is hardly the first family cuddle and or sleep pile ive drawn. i never posted my favorite i dont think #i am just all about sleep and cuddle piles. did u know swatchlings love to sleep in piles (headcanon) #if one bird falls asleep in the cafe the odds are very good that one or two more will join them #theres a pile of birds in booth 4 all shoved in there haphazardly and eeping. swatch is coming with pots and pans.

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics]

i love being an oldest sister and sibling!! i love it so much! i especially love how every conflict somehow always ends up being my fault!! god forbid i stand up for myself!!! i love it!

#vent #can u tell lol? #gosh my family #i can literally hear my sister and mother laughing next door #great that they're having such a fun time now that i fixed everything #and then got yelled at for #as an adult!! #please respect my boundaries and treat me with respect challenge #well #im going to bed #nightie night #eldest daughter

[fandom-blackhole]

My friends, idk how, but im gonna figure out a way to share my final presentation with you guys for a class after I finish it. Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna be this passionate about this thing, do all the research, make a ppt AND cardboard tri-fold, and present this at a "Research Symposium" for 2 hours to whoever stops at my booth during finals week to not share with the people I like most 😤

Basically for the project we have to take a person or event and give background on them before analyzing them through a Social Psychology lense (bc the class is social psychology lol). AND GODS DO I LOVE SHIT LIKE THISSSSS. I will not be sharing what event I chose for two reason: 1) I want ya'll to read and learn about it through my post when I post it 😌 and 2) It's a REALLY obscure event from what I've gathered (like I barely have 5 sources for references and one's ONLY in german) and I doubt many would know what I was talking about.

#Ive literally been working on it all night basically (and have little to show but aesthetics) #BUT! I did get all my photos i currently have and their captions put in too!! #I just need to fill in the slides with their info #im literally chopping at the bit to show you guys bc im so fucking into this project #i love being a psych major 🥰🥰🥰 #I have been this excited about something in AWHILEEEEERE #I can wait to look through social psych theories and ideas and figure out which im gonna hold up for anlaysis #we are just at the stage of turning in the first part which is just the who. what. when. where. why. #the how (which will be the theories) will be next part to turn in #but god am i invested and ferally upset about this story #ok i need to go to bed now so that i can finish this project tomorrow so i can turn it in :) #ill rb this a few times to gauge interest but besties im 100% posting it no matter how the poll turns out #im just too pumped and i want to SHARE with people who know and like me (i mean i think yall like me lol) #social psychology #college final project

[noahtally-famous]

not me popping back on here with a post after months of semi-inactivity (uni is being a bitch) just to reiterate how much i love writing the pahkitew island cast.

aside from sammy and amy (obviously), literally everyone else can be shipped with one another and it'd make sense to some degree, like it takes skill to create a group of people so inherently shippable (platonically and/or romantically) and ofc the writers didn't know it they just shoved a bunch of random ppl together and dusted their hands off on it but fr tho 😭

(yeah im planning out my leonave 'stranger things inspired' au, and the gears are turning, and i forgot just how much i love writing for this dumbass group)

(i swear im working on the next chapter of a guide to surviving the apocalypse too)

#no but i've way too many ideas lmaoo #i forgot ive a whole longass post in my drafts dedicated to ramblings abt this longfic and i came across it today ahaha #like amy leading a manhunt for leonard bc shes got everyone to think he killed her sister (who she didn't even like much smh) #and topher's one of the ppl involved and when shawn hears he's like “topher? yeah i can handle him dw” (possible tophawn minor pairing??) #and leonard's abt to get the equivalent of being burnt at the stake literally #when guess who shows up in a fucking mercedes of all cars #fucking dave #and he helps leonard escape narrowly by driving fast af and leonard's so confused bc like “i thought you'd be with those guys” #and get this: dave doesnt believe leonard killed sammy bc of his vehement belief that leonard doesn't know magic LMAOOO #and leonard doesnt know whether to be affronted or grudgingly thankful bc if it wasn't for dave's desire for everything to be normal #leonard would have been part of the witch trials 2.0 #and idk who's watched st but the plot is somewhat inspired by it #like shawn goes missing first and dave as his best friend is panicking abt it (in this one axel is shawns cousin???) #and then when they find him at last the weird deaths start leading to leonard finding sammy dead and this whole situation #and theres a whole different world underneath them and its up to leonard dave ella and sky to team up and prevent certain destruction #and theres slowburn leonave (with pining leonard and oblivious dave) #and leonard lives with his uncle whos understanding of his passions (unlike his dad who basically gave him away for the same reason) #and leonard's life is total opppsite from dave's #and they both know it #and omgggg this au has been a brainrot for so goddamn long #but idk why i just got a slew of ideas for it today #and like dave stays over at leonards at one point and leonard gives him his bed (like a gentleman) #and the next morning shawn barges in like “wheres my best friend” bc ever since he was taken he's been v paranoid abt losing the ppl he lov #and he hugs dave and daves like “how dirty are you rn” and shawns like “nothing yet i waited so that i can hug you when i see your dumb ass #and everyones like abt dave to leonard “idk if he's the right one for you” #but then later on dave saves his life by going a little bit unhinged classic dave-style #and ends up scaring a nurse and receptionist into retiring early #total drama #td leonard #td dave

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

✨it's your highness, princess nighty✨

this ver of gender bent nightmare belongs to @shynetyme06!!

the other night in the bonus is made by me >:D

#my art #utmv #nightmare #nightmare sans #fem!nightmare #I DID IT!!!! i finally drew her hh omg this was so hard to make xD #i'm already struggling to draw my own familiar designs with a mouse so you should've seen me trying to mimic your pretty hairstyle :'D #i literally flipped the canvas and never put it back too hh xD i did your girl so dirty man</3 #okay but i just COULDN'T draw her as cute as she is in your art you're just too strong >:')c lil darling dream is next on my list probably- #wouldn't want her to feel left out xD #also gonna redesign my own night once i feel confident in my ability to make a full ref again :'D #man i need to sleep but eh getting to bed can wait until i post this >;D <3333

[ectoplasmer]

y'all ever feel so much love for your f/o that you just get moved to literal tears or am i just a mess

#art is making me feel things once again #marigoldshipping #<---- mima brainrot hours which is terrible timing because i need to be awake in like six hours #but i am over here. kicking my legs in bed every five seconds #i love him so much he's a literal safety hazard akjjhdsh :( #he's also just a huge nerd and literally just a big loser but/lh #aaaa stopp making me FEEL THINGS it's horrible #i need to be sleeping and not generating tears because my heart goes crazy over fictional characters #literally smiling like an idiot just thinking about him while typing this #he's just. >_< #oh terrible another moment where i can't convey what i'm thinking #he's just... he's such a nerddd aaaaa #his snarkiness his obvious need to dramaticize things even though he *claims* that's a thing that only marik does now (he's lying) #his attempts at seeming much more stoic than he actually is his poorly hidden attempts at trying not to seem like he cares too much #how he can be so arrogant and sharp one second and try so hard to be responsible and gentle the next #how he tries to act like he isn't as much as a wreck as the rest of us but he definitely is #i don't. even know what i'm trying to say. i don't think i ever really do when it comes to any of them #they make me so stupidly incoherent i can't even think correctly right now #i just... i love how i've managed to get past his walls. that i get to see more of him now #not just the scary and daunting part that he used to be. not just the level headed and intimidating part. not just the upset and angry part #i get to see the sides of him where he makes dumb and ignorant mistakes. i get to see him when he's calm. i get to see him when he's happy #i get to see him when he's sad and i get to see him when he's completely vulnerable #i get to see him in every mood and in every emotion. i get to see every part. #and i love all the parts of him. all the mess and fuss and the wrongs and the rights and the good and the bad #all of it is completely lovable to me. he's completely lovable to me. #i just. aaaa sobbing crying sniffling into my hands HE'S SOOOO #god damnit melvin you're making your girlfriend cry STOP BEING SO YOU PLEASE #he's. so pretty and handsome and bbdbfhfbjdffjdfd #i've been talking about my f/os so much recently i'm so sorry >< #gonna. try and fall asleep but my heart is literally beating so hard right now skjfkjds

[arsonist-chicken]

btw in absolutely unsurprising news I fucked up the exam of that class I'm taking for the third time badly again.

in very surprising news, apparently Something happened, idk if the dean said something to the professor or I looked like a distressed broken down wet rat enough or he just doesn't want to see me in his class again or idk, maybe it's not good for him if someone fails his class three times, but he actually offered that I could do a written exam on friday instead? which. is extremely surprising. good, because it gives me another afternoon to study and I can draw and go back to questions on a written exam, even if I have to shuffle around the other exams and papers now, just. very surprising.

#lol but next semester is the fucking seminar again with also the same professor #idk how you can teach such shitty classes regularly and never think hmmm maybe i should change something #with the amount of people having to take the classes at least twice #anyway good for me i'll keep crying over uni the rest of the week and the weekend too and then i'll do stuff next week #like i need to call my insurance and annoy them in person until they say yes to any therapist who will have me #and call the other thing #and oh i really need to find a different GP because i'm soundly back at the stage of where i can literally not think two sentences #after each other without trailing off or it taking up extremely much energy just to remember which store i wanted to go to #and i'm aware that stress and mental illness causes brain fog or whatever #but i've been stressed before but this only started last autumn and i need a different doctor to look at it #who won't just say oh it's just iron levels #there's something wrong with my brain and i need someone competent who actually cares to look at it and tell me #if therapy will fix this or if it's a physical problem #please let it be just brain fog htat therapy can fix i don't have time for this #i just want to sleep and cry until this bs is over but semester break starts next week but i still have exams then and a whle list of #stuff to do for uni still plus stuff otuside. like a doctor. and sleep a normal amount instead of in weird horu intervals on my desk and in #my clothes on my bed or floor or wherever i am at the moment my brain decides it's over now #also friends. i wanted to catch up. also a job. like. yeah i need a job even if idk how i'll do uni and a job with the way my brain is righ #now #huh. oh i have another exam in half an hour. send help i don't want to go to uni anymore #mine #still don't know what that class or the seminar next semester are about btw but we moce #*move #goddamn it I'm TIRED and not just in the physical sense #i'm so goddamn done with uni and insurances deciding about psychotherapy and the general state of the world and cost of living #and i miss my friends and i want to visit them but nither them nor me have time and travelling is expensive #and ijust want a goddamn fucking break but i don't see one comign anytime soon. not before summer #but probably not even then #and after that i'll start working so like #at least no goddamn seminars anymore but i still absolutely dread having to decide where i want to work a

[milkweedman]

managed to fuck up my wrist to the point that i can pop the radius back into place but it just comes right back out as soon as i stop putting tons of pressure on it. also it hurts so bad :/

have caught myself genuinely considering breaking my wrist several times now so that i can get some kind of treatment or medication for it. bc the baby tylenol level shit that pain management gives me is um. literally not doing a single goddamn thing. as always.

#tdf is on hold for obvious reasons. i also cant really prep fiber with my thumb messed up bc the fibers catch on the bandaid #and if i dont have a bandaid they catch on the wound #this is the same hand as the subluxated wrist and its my preferred hand #so i tend to do stuff that requires precision with it #and with that hand fucked up i literally cant do anything #typing this is very painful for example #however its almost equally painful to lie in bed doing nothing. so. #chronic illness #i just. wish i was not in this much pain right now #none of my usual stuff is helping at all #its just this constant horrible throbbing bc one of my bones is out of place #and has been all day #would love to smoke some weed but im Not Allowed bc the lease says no smoking even outside #and the landlord lives next door and can evict us whenever for any reason under some obscure 'if you live next to your tenant' law #so ! i cannot even do that #and im out of edibles. and have no money lol #ok done complaining i am gonna go curl up in bed again

[miodiodavinci]

good news: we have water again ! ! ! a pipe had burst somewhere up the street so the city came out and fixed it today (we still need to run the tap to get rid of the air and muddy water but. it's something.)

bad news: i had to go to my partner's to do laundry and shower so i missed out on work time today (bad) (anxiety inducing) (i don't need this right now)

worst news: i have a killer headache and my throat is suspiciously stiff 👁 👁

#please please please for the love of god ; ; ; #i am begging and pleading do Not let this be a repeat of last semester ; ; ; ; #this is exactly how i felt last time i got sick with covid and i Cannot afford another late start ; ; ; ; #i am. suddenly stuck by The Unwelcome Guest last week cryptically asking me when you're supposed to test for covid #and then saying 'hmm. okay. good to know.' and then refusing to elaborate #i swear. to god if she got me sick i'm #i. can't even say. i'm suddenly struck by such helpless grief thinking about how little i can do to keep her from being in my life ; ; ; ; #we literally Evicted her she all but threatened my older sibling into letting her visit weekly to take care of her potted plants #and then in october last year she was like 'my roommate has covid and i don't have money for a hotel i have nowhere to go :'(' #so the agreement was she could stay for One Week #and basically she has been. on and off our couch since then. #like. only going back to her apartment for 1 to 3 days at a time before spending another two weeks in our house. #with new excuses every time. #and literally Every Time I Say No And Put My Foot Down older sibling begs on her behalf because she's busy hounding and guilt-tripping them #so like. what can i even do if it turns out she infected me with covid because she didn't care to disclose that she was feeling sick #(and decided to come over anyway) #i'm just. overwhelmed ; ; ; #i feel like crying ; ; ; #i'm already busy pre-mourning the loss of my mental health and down time with my internship starting back next week #i don't need to worry about whether or not i'm going to be bed ridden for 2 weeks #and suffer Even More lasting lung and brain and blood and fatigue issues on top of that ; ; ; ; #a a a a a i just. feel like crying a lot ; ; ; ; #i'm already behind ; ; ; #i should ; ; ; try to work more tonight before the inevitability of it all hits me tomorrow ; ; ; ; ;

[polithicc]

started my period and now im evil

#ok gonna rant in the tags bc i need to just let it out and then i can be normal again #i was literally in and out of meetings all day so i got 0 actual work done #i dont feel good and ive been so nauseous #i had half of a sandwich in the conference room while handling a fucking disaster #it's so unbearably hot today #i wore the wrong pants so i had to safety pin them and then i looked weird #the pants are also too long #i was so overstimulated in the metro #that i got home took off my clothes by the front door and went straight to bed to lay on top of my duvet #and its thursday so its a chores day for me #so i need to clean my house #i also need to find the time to fix the dress im wearing to the gala next week #my hair is dirty #i ran out of primer and felt oily all day #also i scratched my glasses #i made coffee had three sips and then forgot to bring it to work #i had an anxiety attack and stood in thje hallway to calm myself down #just to then have the most awkwaerd interaction with the new hire who was coming out of the bathroom \ #in conclussion #fighting for my life a bit today

[countess-of-edessa]

“are the girls going to help you make pierogis?” well no one else is fucking gonna are they? no one else in this house has functional fucking hands apparently

#every Christmas i think about the time we came home from mass and my father said “finally! now we can relax.” and sat down at his computer #and played video games for the next three hours while my mother and sister and i stood six feet away from him in the kitchen making #200 pierogis. #it’s crazy considering the amount of stuff he gets done for him on a daily basis that I would never even think would be done for me by anyo #like bed made for him/all meals/all dishes/food put on his plate for him because he refuses to do it himself/pretty much all errands #whenever he wants tea he just says that want out loud and it gets brought to him by magic #i mean or anything else! he once said “did you say we were having cappuccinos today?” just to no one in particular and we all knew no one h #had said anything of the sort. and then he was given one! #of course he goes to work from 8-6ish every day but other than one day a week it’s remote and has been for years and i can hear him #he is pretty much never not on the phone gossiping with someone #and i don’t begrudge him having a not physically intensive job or anything but im just trying to think of the things he has to do #he makes my mother mow the lawn. i do it when i am home because i think that’s disgraceful. #if my mother begs hard enough he'll do the least amount of yard work possible if it’s something we can’t physically do by ourselves. #but on a daily basis it’s just go to work/eat the breakfast brought to you/eat the lunch brought to you/come downstairs eat the dinner made #for you/play video games until you go to bed in the bed that was made for you in the morning #and on non work days it’s just eat/video games/bed #and like all this to say #he complains more and has a worse attitude than anyone I have ever known in my life #whenever he encounters a minor inconvenience he's talking about how it never ends and he never gets a chance to rest for once #literally any day that’s not spent in complete and total stagnation is considered a failure #he hates when my mother and sister and i are happy like we can’t even play music and laugh in the kitchen while we cook and clean up after #meals because it distracts him from his video games and his YouTube videos about video games and the war in Ukraine #he gets mad when we laugh too much lol like dude you’re pretty lucky you have daughters who can have fun while doing the dishes #considering you haven’t done them in like 20 years #word to the ladies out there btw: my parents used to clean up after dinner together when they first got married. so watch out lmao

[zoekrystall]

Hate how I didn't even think until now abt how zelda was alone as a dragon for so many years until the present. I wonder way too much abt how everything was for her and esp now as a dragon like mineru did say you lose yourself completely iirc but reg the tears shed do I believe it's not fully true. Maybe depends how strong your spirit is. Like yeah she can't really communicate well anymore but she recognizes us and her eyes. Her eyes I still can't get over them they're so full of emotion that's absolutely her eyes. Like. You're still inside that dragon when you become one if you try your best to remember is what I think (or want to believe). It's 5am I am not going to try to explain my already barely coherent thoughts better. Too much possibilities where I think some border on denial. I am a fluff not angst person. Anyways I wonder how long all those years felt what do you do as a dragon did the sages try talking to her dragon form or like anything-

#totk spoilers #rent free in my brain huh #I almost play 24h without pause hylia help me #(well minus for like. necessities like food) #still need to beat the story #I cannot believe I seriously considered her going through time or smth smth time power shenanigans #I completely forgot the sword needs a lot of time to get power. rip me. #I am not a fan of angst I like fluff stuff why is my brain just absolutely occupied with dragon zelda #mmmmaybe bc I suprisingly quick accepted it already. at least I can paraglide next to her and all #also maybe I forgot a lot that I read and know abt the timeline bc I think I wreck my head too much abt that too #I got the hyrule historia but like. how does botw tie in again. I think abt it too much it's just for fun damm it #I say since hours only this then bed and now it's 5am #I am awake since 7 and play since what 8? 9? #Absolutely insane how loz got me in a chokehold again but I lately don't even touch pokemas for daily missions #Obv in the back of my mind 24/7 but I feel so odd when pkmn in literally any regard isn't the thing that gets constantly #shaken around in my head with little focus for anything else #In other news I would die for penn and tauro is also neat wanna snatch his hairstyle #also zonai are one of the prettiest races ever. would love to be one or some of the zora ones #anyways all I got is 'I wonder if' #I like. barely talk abt such things it's such a new refreshing thing and I'm sorry I talk mostly for myself #(such things being speculations hc whatever I mostly just kept to myself bc my ex bff just did not care. yay.) #(so fuck if I know much abt fleshing out n all) #a wild lux appears

[professionaljester]

love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how

#abc shut it #vent #i’m so lonely it’s not even funny #my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone #i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it #i’m so bored and lonely all the time #my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine #like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :) #like i know part of it is the depression but #idk i just don’t do anything when i get home #sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours— #after work are gone and i have to go to bed #like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket #like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server #like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected #to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life #and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone #i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol #like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone #and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say #and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like #i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t #that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting #or being too much

[binders-and-beanies]

Doin bad again folx

#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable #summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400 #literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all #not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due #able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much #my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one #i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts #nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops #I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness #I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too #bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that #+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me #my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life #on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them #currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn #I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief #but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors #despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee #Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse #fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn #mine #txt #vent post #suicidal ideation tw #<- cry for help