#and my anxiety and depression is through the roof rn

[spaceboyfrnk]

.

#yall im so sorry for being so inactive #my personal life has been so fucking stressful lately #i havent had time to be online or to rest #and my anxiety and depression is through the roof rn #ive been really overwhelmed and havent been online so sorry to all my followers/mutuals #i hope yall are doing okay 💕

[lazulisong]

i guess i should clarify the surgery timeline a bit (and also link the amazon list haha)

Nov 9 is the in person appointment with my surgeon, where i will get to ask fun questions about Pain Management and Weight Restrictions and answer even more fun questions about How I Want to Look (rn those answers are: idgaf as long as these fucking glands are off and that the idea of having cut and paste nipples causes me acute revulsion)! i'm taking the day off despite working at the same campus as the surgeons office because i will probably be taking the full amount of xanax im prescribed in the morning.

Nov 27 is the pre op appointment which will be over the phone with one of the PAs.

My leave starts as of Dec 8; i will return to work on Jan 2

sharon arrives dec 10, ??? i somehow get myself over to the rental which may involve sharon picking me up as she goes from the airport. (also i get groceries delivered to the rental because there is no way i'm going to the store when i expect to be wound up anyway)

if i don't have to go haring all over Portland for medications on Dec 11 (i'm going to campaign hard for getting them released on Friday since the pharmacy i go to is also on this campus), sharon and i will drive down south to pick up Mom and see the dog.

dec 12 at 8:30 i check in at the hospital (ALSO on the same campus and the one where amy had brain surgery) and juli arrives to be emotional support / be contact point for friends

surgery is scheduled for 10:30 and i should be out of the OR by 2:30 so i expect to be back to the rental by 3:30 or 4:00.

Mom stays until i'm off the good pills and can stay by myself, sharon drives her back (im not driving two hours with drains in, thanks)

dec 18 i have my first post op, and on dec 26 i will have the last one except presumably any follow ups i get scheduled later.

i might go south after my second post op but i have been repeatedly, reliably assured that i can expect an acute stage of depression d/t you know, being knocked unconscious, carved up, and then having drains for a week so that's going to be a big "i'll let you know the week before, mom"

i've been blessed with an amazing amount of support but if you would like to contribute i'm about 500$ shy of my overall goal of $4000:

and i also have an amazon list of assorted necessities and comforts:

but i also really need a lot of good thoughts because wow my anxiety is through the roof. and maybe some kindle unlimited suggestions for while im on painkillers.

thank you for your support!

#meg what is your problem #top surgery adventures #also i had a protein shake this morning with my pills #and i regret to inform u that boo boo the fool over here #should have also gotten a bagel

[g3z0]

I'm in a "I just can't with life rn" spot and idk what to do😭 Like my family keeps ignoring all my ADHD symptoms even though a doctor literally said I have it and it's killing me, my anxiety and depression is actually through the roof, and idk how to talk to people about it 💀💀 But on the bright side pizza still exists and I always feel like dancing and I got ur good ah stories so.....✨💅🤌

Slay ig

[riverrainstudios]

Haven’t had one of these nights in a while but I can’t sleep due to an anxiety snowball. Ik everything will be fine but my god fuck genetics. Why did both my parents have to curse me with this 🥲

I also don’t like how my mental health seems to be getting worse, been depressed a lot lately and stressed. I always gotta be stressed about something. Today it was taxes and commissions, who knows what tomorrows will be.

I just hope I don’t go to a new low, Ik I’m in one now but if I hit lower than what I’ve already been through who knows what will happen. I don’t wanna think about it but it’s in the corner of my eye and just bothers me. I really need to pull myself together and work on myself. I just hate that I can’t because I’m always focused on surviving this shit hole of a country. No one ever gets time to work on themselves because they have to scavenge for food and to stay under a roof. It’s sad and frustrating.

Idk…I just hate everything because everything makes me seem broken in some way just because I can’t function like a “normal human being”. I can’t even last in a job for two months. It takes at most two weeks before I get burned out in jobs. And the last one I worked at was only four or so hours (usually) around two to three days a week. It was supposed to be “easy” but I just couldn’t handle it.

Anyways that’s all that’s roaming my mind atm. Sorry that it’s not my usual posts with art. I just don’t really have anyone to talk to rn and don’t wanna wake my bf up at almost 2 in the morning when he has work.

#tw vent #vent post #midnight thoughts

[mo0nflwr]

How am I just now realizing some of the aspects in my life are wrong?

Like, the fact I’m scared to talk my own parents what I think about myself, or to talk to them about the simplest of mistakes or worries I have. The fact I’m so scared of their judgement, or scared they’ll just say “you’re being too emotional, stop being a drama queen” or “stop making excuses, that’s all you ever do, excuses excuses excuses” or even “(insert my name) does what () wants to do”

Like, seriously. How did I not notice how wrong it was to be so scared to talk to my parents?

In middle school, I remember being so scared about getting just three questions wrong on my stares and capitals quiz right? I was scared, because I shouldn’t have gotten anything wrong. I was scared to the point of fucking crying.

I was so scared of getting I trouble and getting my only point of contact taken away from me. My phone, YES I was scared of my phone being taken away, but that was because I was scared I would panic about not being able to reach out if my mental health got bad, and I started breaking down/having an attack or whatever it is that happens to me. I was scared of myself, that I wouldn’t have anyone to contact if my panicking got out of control again.

That’s scary. It shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be scared of failure, I shouldn’t be scared of mistakes, I shouldn’t be upset about my inability to have much common sense. I shouldn’t. But I do.

And because of all of that overthinking, of constantly thinking I had gone through enough to be depressed, that I had no good reason, (I hadn’t tried hard enough, done enough, been good enough, I shouldn’t be angry with them, why, they work ten times harder than I ever have! They put a roof over my head! I can’t be angry with them, I should be sorry for them! I’m trying, but am i? Etc, etc…) I am scared.

They say things, that belittle my worries about my own health, physical and mental, without even realizing it. Mainly, because they don’t really believe in many mental illnesses.

But to the point I fear to tell them I lost my keys? Just to find them again the next day, even though I knew where they were, and I knew I just wouldn’t be able to get to them? To tell them, I got three questions wrong on a quiz I should have aced? To be so scared of making mistakes that I can’t even tell them things I want to? I am so scared, to tell them how I feel, because I know they’ll just not understand, they won’t get it, they’ll belittle me, AGAIN.

I shouldn’t have to feel that way. The thoughts I’ve had have prevented me from realizing this, but I know it. I shouldn’t be scared to talk to my own blood. My own family. I shouldn’t be crying because of it either. I shouldn’t have to hold back my worry, my suggestion, of getting me help. I wish I would’ve known this sooner, that I shouldn’t be this scared or worried to tell them things.

I mean, it won’t change the fact I won’t tell them anything. Yet again; I’m too scared to. So I’ll deal with it. It’s just shocking how this didn’t process earlier for me.

I think I need help, but I don’t even know anymore. Is it depression? Anxiety? WHAT IS IT? Because I don’t know.

Im sorry to all of these precious tumblr users who did NOT sign up for my rant…

(I think we all need some precious cats in our lives rn)

#rant post #personal rant #sorry for the rant #rant #depressing shit #tw depressing thoughts #anxitey #anxiety #social anxiety #tears for fears #i’m scared #im so scared #parents #POV as a child #what do i do

[cannibalsamruby]

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my Spn fic. I'm in a rut rn, my anxiety and depression are through the roof, and idk if I'll ever get back to it anytime soon. I'm not sure how to private the fic in the meantime in case someone steals with AI theft and I don't want to delete it

#dragan speaks #personal #adhd thoughts #ai theft #tw anxiety #tw depression

[cyrsed]

i need to talk to my psych and also fix my anxiety med schedule bc i stopped taking them for a while bc i thought i was doing better TT_TT i’m back up to taking half but i still have horrible anxiety and i think i’m getting depressed again :( which is annoying bc i didn’t change anything about my antidepressants.

also ik i shouldn’t mess with dosages w/o talking to my psych but yet, what is done is done lol. idk do y’all ever do that? like im not advocating it, bc it has not worked out for me any time i’ve done it haha, except going off my antidepressants in college one time. i just wonder how common that is lol especially w psych meds.

i just hate when i start to feel this [various synonyms of hopeless]

it’s hard to want to do anything but lie in bed and cry, and i just wish that being in my late 20s was more about feeling free to do what i want instead of feeling crushed by my anxiety over literally every aspect of my life :(

i bet that ... getting back up to my actual prescribed anxiety med dose would help lol, but also i like getting up early (ideally 6:15 or so, but 6:45-7 is ok too), and buspar makes me sleepy, so if i take it, i end up sleeping more and not being as awake in the morning (and the morning is my favorite time of day bc it’s just me awake by myself and my cats, no sensory overload or anything, just quiet time for me :) ), which just kinda sucks, and i know i should just trade that for not feeling like shit, but :(

oh god also my medical anxiety has been through the roof ever since my dr told me my cholesterol is a bit high, my brain latched onto that and even tho i don’t usually have that kind of medical/health anxiety, it’s been unbearably bad lately. i guess that’s replaced the fear of losing my hair (which i mean i’m glad i’m not thinking about that quite so much, since who cares if i have hair or not lol). 

aghslkdjf anyway does anyone have like. idk any advice/resources for ways to become like... more resilient, or less obsessive about things that are harming my emotional well being? like, i’ve just been really obsessively reading the things that anti queer bigots say, and obsessing over health stuff lately and i’m not sure how to break that cycle... that and any advice (besides going to therapy, pls) about generally breaking out of depression and anxiety spirals, esp about like,, the passage of time/health/how shitty politics is rn/pandemic stuff, worrying about global/national/state politics? TT_TT

#personal

[mollydollyjournals]

Okay my weight is lower than yesterday, 0.2lbs higher than the day before so kind of the same... that's not too bad.

Problem is at this point I've already reached my maximum weight goal for the week, which resets on Mondays. What I originally said was that if by some miracle I did that, I'd let myself eat a bit more or exercise a bit less for the rest of the week, to make sure I dont fuck up my metabolism or fall back into bad habits.

But...I am fucking anxious and depressed as shit and I dont know how else to feel accomplished. I dont have many avenues of reassurance rn, and I'm always worried that I'm gonna plateau or fuck up and never lose any more, and getting ahead of my weight loss plan even further would really make me feel better at least a bit.

So I want to lose more. And more than that, I want to reach next weeks maximum goal. Or I want to get 2lbs ahead of that, which would be another milestone. It really is intoxicating.

I have 4 days until Monday, or 3 mornings. If I keep losing at this kind of rate, I'll hit both of those goals by Monday. It's the only good thing coming out of this constant severe anxiety I'm having recently. I've only tried a little really, a lot of it has come from not being physically able to eat, and also my metabolism is through the roof because I'm always overheating and hyperventilating etc.

So like really...what I should do is eat when I'm able to, focus on calming my anxiety, let my weight stabilise here and then get back to it next week. But I want so fucking badly to lose more weight and get to my goals faster and get some validation and idek.

I just got interrupted by a conversation that made me feel simultaneously better and worse. Not even sure what to do about that now. I'm also noticing I'm pretty weak. Maybe I'm gonna have to go for that 24hr fast option after all. Whatever I do, I'm not binging. I'm either fasting or restricting. Fucking sick and tired of hating my body.

[18-toe-beans]

happy yule

#stay safe everyone #have a good holiday season #will still be open to chats this holiday season. #but in a few tags #idk maybe i’ll actually state how i feel? #maybe not idk #anyway big depression #anxiety through the roof #sh urges but ya know #i cants shut my brain off and i hate it was having a good day why the hell do you have to remind me of all the reasons i suck and am #terrible rn brain fr i was in the middle of a good damn time #i heckin hate myself for having my friends ghost me for so long #and i really hate that the few people that are actually texting me have all told me they are disappointed in me in so many different ways! #anyway have a good holiday yall my dms are open #i won’t be this depressing in chat i swear #happy yule #delete later likely

[avengersandco]

I MISS MY CAT SO MUCH 😭😭😭

@starsandsupernovae @codeflaws @goodmorningbeloved

#cat #i miss her so much #i just want cuddles with her #my anxiety and depression are through the roof rn #and i just really want my cat

[crystals-and-iced-coffee]

I feel like shit.

#i need a hug #or to get hit by a car #or both #i miss her #i need to chill my anxiety is through the roof #i have too much time to think rn #lowkey wanna throw myself down one of these mountains #im depressed #ive been crying almost all day #but the scenery here is really nice

[caffeinatedopossum]

Tw ed recovery vent/general negativity

:readmore:

I'm ngl I'm so jealous of people who actually feel better in recovery. People who talk about having more energy and the side effects of their ed dissappearing as they get their life back...

Everything is worse for me. My anxiety, my depression, my adhd, my ptsd... my physical pain is through the roof. Joint pain 10x worse than what it was before. Every part of my body feels bruised. Constant stomach cramps and nausea. Just walking is so hard, I'm in the process of trying to get a cane rn actually. My insomnia is bad too. Physically and mentally I'm exhausted beyond words but I have too much anxious energy because if I don't distract myself, I'm scared of what I might do. I genuinely cannot tolerate this but I don't want to relapse. Idk what to do.

[apeculiarartist]

.

#dontreblogthis #apeculiarpost #hhhhh fuck my anxiety and stuff is through the roof I'm so close to crying rn and I can't. do that. #first the near crash with that one semi then the rest of the semis on the road then naddy then everything in discord is suddenly just #either super depressing or overwhelming or just. I dunno. #I feel like an awful person I just make everyone worry tbh skdjdkfk I'm not worth anyone's time let alone actually being worried abt

[we-are-inevitable]

modern art // javid (ch. 1)

A/N: hi !! so some of you may remember an old songfic i did in march of last year, titled ‘modern art’ after the song “IDK You Yet” by Alexander 23. well, i’ve always thought that that one shot would work great as a stand alone fic, and here we are! i have ch. 1 edited and SO MUCH of it as changed- like, for example, the fic is a chapter fic now !! regardless, i hope you guys like this !!

WARNINGS: depression, anxiety, self-deprecation, past addiction, mentions of addiction, just general Bad Times- pls be mindful when reading !! it’s just very Not Happy rn ADDITIONAL INFO: all characters are in their mid-twenties in the fic. oh also this is probably important but it’s a soulmate au !!

Read On AO3!

tag list: @bound-for-santa-fe @wannabecowboypunk @shippingcannons @yahfancyclamwiththepurlinside @smallsies @deliciouspeachpirate @newsies-is-my-erster 

Jack doesn't know what’s going on with himself, but he knows that he could really use his soulmate right about now.

They’ve communicated before. Never verbally, and never enough to reveal who they were. Perhaps they are both just... dealing with some unspoken fears, dealing with the worry of rejection sitting heavy in their chests. Perhaps they both like this mystery- the uncertainty that came with the notes scrawled across their bodies in a handwriting that isn’t their own.

Or perhaps they just aren’t ready to take the plunge. To grow up and face the harsh fact that, as soon as they meet, wherever and whenever that may be, a new chapter of their life will unfold. Consume them. Change anything and everything they’ve ever known or held dear.

They had been braver when they were children, that much was true. Jack remembers staying up late often, writing notes on his skin and watching in awe as the replies appeared. He remembers the giddy rush of trying to quickly wash off the ink on his wrist when they ran out of space to talk, and, oh, how they talked. There were school days when Jack would go to class exhausted, feeling like he’d been walking through quicksand for miles on end, but all of it had been worth it. The exhaustion he felt had been worth being able to talk to them until two, three, four in the morning. Sometimes he regretted it, of course, but only because it was harder for him to focus in class. Never because he was upset at them.

He could never be upset with them.

Even now, Jack remembers a lot about his soulmate. They liked music. They knew how to play the piano. They were into a few video games, even some that Jack had never played, and said that they always tried carrying a book with them wherever they went. Jack remembers that, as a younger kid, they liked Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, but also liked analyzing Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe and a bunch of other fancy authors that Jack had never even heard of. They were intimidatingly smart, and sometimes, would carefully correct Jack’s grammar whenever he misspelled a word or something- but they were never mean about it, they were just… there. A steady presence that he could count on.

Fifteen year old Jack dreamed of finding them one day. But now, twenty-five year old Jack is losing hope.

He can’t exactly help it. For starters, he and his soulmate haven’t communicated in… well, shit, it had to be nearly a year. Maybe nine months or so, but there’s no way to tell for sure, and even then, their conversations since reaching adulthood have been dull, for lack of a better word. A few positive comments here, a ‘have a good day’ there- it’s all so mundane, and neither of them can be blamed for it. They both have busy lives- or, well, Jack does, at least. His job as a graphic designer is hard enough on its own, but the added pressure of doing freelance work and commissions on the side has been eating away at him for weeks, coupled with debilitating self-doubt and lack of motivation for… anything.

Saying that he’s overwhelmed is the understatement of the century.

There is always another design, another client, another meeting, another deadline, another sleepless night as he stares at a blank canvas and prays for a spark of inspiration from whatever God is listening. Usually his inspiration comes from the world around him- his friends, city life, even the quiet confines of his apartment, but right now... Jack is stuck. He had holed himself up in his room days ago, trying and failing to get out of bed every morning when the time came to work- and thank God that the majority of his work could be done from home. His boss was understanding, too, to an extent.

Still, though, there’s a constant heavy weight on his chest that prevents him from moving most days, and he’s lucky if he even gets up long enough to shower or eat or do literally anything aside from lie in silence and count the cracks in his ceiling.

Nothing had happened to him recently to bring this on, from what he can tell. Jack has always been the happy-go-lucky leader, the man with a plan, the guy who always knew just what to say to motivate others into doing the best thing for themselves, but when that responsibility is reflected back onto himself, Jack feels helpless. There are words waiting to be said, sketches waiting to be drawn, designs waiting to be sent to clients… yet Jack lies there, motionless in his room for three days before he even has the energy, the willpower, to pull back his curtains and allow the sunlight to shine through. There is so much he wants to do, so much he needs to do, but he can't bring himself to do any of it.

In all twenty-five years of his life, through all of the things he’s been through, the ups and downs and foster homes and graduations and birthdays and funerals and therapists and rehab facilities and whatever the fuck else life decided to throw at him, Jack has never felt so worthless, so… lonely. His closest friends are all moving on with their lives. Many have already found their soulmate, have settled down and hidden their rowdy, rambunctious pasts behind skeletons in a closet. They’d all gotten their adventures done and over with in high school and college, and most are moving onto bigger and better things in life. They have careers. Families. Some have children, others have pets, a few have an insane amount of plants to care for.

All have seemingly left Jack behind in the dust.

No one told him when to flip the switch.

No one told him when he had aged out of adventure.

Now, they would never say it, but Jack knows. He knows. Saturday hangouts and trips to the bar had been replaced by Sunday church services and playdates for the kids. Rather than hearing yelling from his living room after his friends had all been teetering just on the edge between tipsy and fucked up, Jack hears the news, and documentaries, and podcasts, and the ghosts of a past life that he still seemed to be desperately clinging on to.

Katherine had been the one to tell him that he needed to grow up, though she didn’t put it in such a blunt manner. No, she’s just.... gently urging him to find a bigger apartment, or buy matching furniture from a place that is not a thrift store, or purchase dishes that weren’t of the plastic Walmart brand. She says it was because she wants to see him in a more professional, "adulty" lifestyle, but he knows it’s really because she can see that he’s a mess.

Deep down, Jack knows she’s right. She’s always right.

He just can’t help but feel cemented in place, dreaming of the past while dreading the new future ahead of him.

Jack never asked to feel so broken for no reason. All of the hope and optimism he had felt as a teenager was gone, lost in a sea of uncertain plans and shitty jobs and bill extensions and canvases dropped onto the floor with no rhyme or reason. And, yes, maybe Jack would look dramatic to someone who didn’t know his situation, but Jack knows what dramatic feels like. Dramatic feels like watching his best friend, Charlie, belt onstage in front of a backdrop that he helped create for the school play. Dramatic feels like laughing at the top of his lungs while walking through a random gas station at two in the morning, joined by Race and Al, all while higher than a kite. Dramatic feels like driving to the outskirts of the city with Katherine, climbing onto the roof of an old building and screaming about all of their stress, their anxiety, their insecurities, just to have some form of emotional release.

Dramatic doesn’t feel like sadness. It’s not supposed to.

Not for Jack.

He had been so… so happy, as a teenager. Proud and defiant and carefree. He was the kind of guy to skate and smoke weed in Central Park until midnight and take a math test at eight in the morning the next day. He was the kid who stood on a table in the cafeteria and came out as bisexual to everyone around him, just because of a dumbass bet that he didn’t even get paid for. He was the boy who wasn’t at all good in an academic sense, but who always knew how to talk himself out of trouble, who always came up with the most ridiculous- or most believable- lies to cover his ass when he needed it, who was always the class favorite, the teacher’s pet without meaning to be.

Jack had felt on top of the world back then, but now he’s struggling to even get off of the ground. The longer time goes on, the more lost Jack feels inside his own life. He feels like something was missing, something big. Something bigger than himself.

When his mother was alive, which now felt like lifetimes ago, she would often echo this old wives’ tale about how it’s best to find your soulmate while you’re younger, just to save them- and yourself- the pain of being alone for a long time. Jack had always kind of believed her; logically, he knew it was true, but he had always told himself that it wouldn’t happen to him. That he would be fine alone, though it wouldn’t be ideal, and that he would have plenty of time for soulmates after he got out and made a name for himself.

He’s starting to think, though, that maybe she was right. Maybe Jack had waited too long to make a move, to make contact again, because now, he just feels nauseous even thinking about it.

Don’t get him wrong, he knows the negative effects of self deprecation and not taking his own mental health seriously, he’s been to rehab before, blah, blah, blah, but, fuck, how could he put his soulmate through something like this? This fucked up state of mind he has now. Jack can’t even imagine talking to Katherine about this, and Katherine had been his best friend for over a decade. He can’t just meet his soulmate now- it’s been too long, he’s too messed up, they won’t like him, they’ll hate him for not trying hard enough, and Jack will just end up alone again, wasting away in his bedroom because no one fucking cares. No one cares. He has nobody.

That’s not true. He has Medda, his mom, his savior, his impulse control, but the thought of telling her that everything is acting up again makes him want to scream. He has Tony, but Tony has Al, and Tony and Al have a kid- a sweet little five year old girl who calls Jack ‘Uncle Jackie’ and takes no shit from anyone. He has Katherine, but Katherine has her soulmate- this dude named Darcy, who Jack doesn’t have much of an opinion on because they just met, like, a month ago, and Jack hasn’t exactly been emotionally ready for a hangout session between the three of them. He also has Charlie, and Charlie has certainly seen him in worse times- like when Jack was kind of hooked on pills for the entirety their freshman year of college- but Charlie has grad school to worry about and Charlie would hate him if he bothered him with this.

Still, there are other people who would listen, probably. He could easily talk to Elmer, or Romeo, or Specs, or Jojo or Finch or Sean or a fucking therapist but that’s just it, isn’t it? If he talks, he burdens, and Jack Francisco Kelly would rather run himself into the ground than be a burden anyone.

So, he makes a vow.

He makes eye contact with his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He’s gripping onto the sink, holding on for dear life, as he stares into his own sunken eyes. He takes in his appearance. Damp, messy hair, falling down to cover his forehead. Pale skin, which isn’t normal at all. Dark circles have taken their place around his eyes, and his smile- one of his favorite things about himself- is… nonexistent.

Distantly, Jack registers himself dumping a full bottle of ibuprofen into the sink. And then, he does the same thing with the bottle of melatonin from his medicine cabinet. The valium follows. He lets the water run for a long time. It's not that he doesn't trust himself- he'd done so, so good in rehab, and he doesn't even feel urges that often anymore- but it's better safe than sorry, especially since he's like... this.

This is not the Jack Kelly he’s used to anymore. This is not the Jack Kelly he wants to be.

But this Jack Kelly is the one who vows not to reach out. The one who vows to only answer when his soulmate is ready, and maybe not even then.

He doesn’t have to wait long, though.

Not when a heart appears on the back of his hand the next morning.

It’s there when Jack wakes up, and, honestly, it almost brings Jack to tears- but not necessarily for happy reasons. Sure, Jack wants to be happy. Who wouldn’t be happy after seeing something like this? A lopsided heart drawn in red ink, right on the back of his left hand- it was the definition of a symbol, of a romantic gesture, and Jack wants so badly to write back, to strike up conversation, to draw a goddamn heart, but… he can’t.

He can’t, and that’s horrible of him, and he knows it.

Right now, though… Jack can’t even work up the courage, the energy, to call his mom.

His soulmate, whoever they are, is going to have to wait.

#if u wanna be added to my tag list just let me know !! #newsies #jack kelly #david jacobs #davey jacobs #javid #javey #newsies broadway #newsies musical #newsies fic #newsies fanfiction #newsies fanfic #livesies #toursies #jac writes #jac txt.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #289

“life by life / waste to waste / i’m the harbinger, the master of decay”

How often do you watch the news? Never. Would you rather read the news online? Yeah. Speaking of being online, what website do you visit the most? YouTube. Have you ever held a snake? Plenty. Ever caught a turtle? What about a crawfish? Turtles, yes, as a kid. Please do not take animals out of the wild for no good reason, people. I never touched crawfish because they looked scary lmao. Have you ever eaten gumbo? Idk what that is. Or do you not like spicy food? I enjoy spicy food, but not nearly as much as when I was a teen. Back then, I loved the adrenaline rush, now I just wanna enjoy my food like a normal person, lol. Do you own a bottle of hand sanitizer? Do you like how it smells? Does anyone NOT at this time? Or even before, really? But anyway, no, I don't like the smell. Do you own a pool table? What about an air hockey table? Or a foosball table? Okay so one of the coolest things we had when I was younger was this table that had different "tops" to change out to turn it into various games like these. Like, it was all in one. I don't THINK we still have it? Do you live with your parents? Are you cool with that? I live with my mom, and right now, it's the better idea for many reasons. I feel like shit about it, though. I'm nearly 25. Even if I was financially independent though, I would not be able to handle living all alone with my depression and all. When did/when do you want to move out? Hopefully when I have a stable job and long-term relationship. Have you ever been on a cruise? No. Are you better at catching or throwing? Probably throwing. I can't catch for shit. Do you ever play computer games? Just WoW nowadays. Did you used to have a lunchbox? Yeah, I went through a few. How often do you/did you bring your lunch to school? Whenever I didn't like what was on the menu. And mind you, I was and still am very picky. What was/is your favorite school lunch? I think the chicken sandwiches. When was the last time you wore a hat? What kind of hat was it? Oh yikes, who on Earth knows. It has to have been years. Maybe a Carolina Hurricanes one to a hockey game I went to with Dad. I don't really wear hats. Have you ever tried to ghost hunt? If so, did you catch anything? No. Do you prefer gold or silver? What about diamonds or pearls? Earrings or bracelets? Necklace or rings? Or are you not a jewelry person? Gold; diamonds; earrings; rings (I think). I don't care all that much about jewelry, though. Have you ever made jewelry? Not really, just kiddy crafts stuff. Do you have any unique hobbies? Meerkat RP. Have you ever broken a window? If so, what with? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever had surgery? If so, what on? Yeah. I had tubes put in my ears as a kid, and I had a cyst removed from... directly above my ass lmaoooo. Pilonidal cysts are awesome. Do you know any boys named Ashley or Lesley or Lynn? I don't believe so. Do you prefer coffee or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate, for sure. Do you like green tea? Tea is gross. Do you like to play Freecell? What about Hearts? Or Mahjong? I only know Mahjong, and I've never played that. I used to watch Mom play it on the computer as a kid, though. Idr the rules. Does your family own guns? No. Have you ever been given flowers? Were they from a relative or someone special? Both. Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle? No, and I doubt I will. I'm not like... really scared of them, as a matter of fact they seem really fun, they're just too risky for my liking. Have you ever seen a dead body? At an open-casket wake, yes. What does your umbrella look like? It's just an ordinary black one. Is anyone you know pregnant? HOLY FUCK, I think 90% of my Facebook friends are preggo. It seems like EVERYONE is expecting. Ha, one of my closest friends is legit pregnant with triplets after JUST having a son... She's in for a ride. Does your family do reunion gatherings? No, we're too spread out. What would you order to drink if you were in a bar right now? A strawberry sangria sounds pretty great. When was the last time you had a first kiss? I'm guessing you mean like, my first kiss with the last person I was with? A few summers ago when we were out on the porch making s'mores and dancing like some cheesy fucks lmao. How many homes have you ever lived in? If you don't count the apartment I wasn't an official resident of or staying with a friend for a month due to homelessness, we just moved into our fifth. Or sixth. It's too early when I'm taking this for math. Have you ever donated money to charity? Yeah. What’s your favourite type of exercise? Swimming. How many jobs have you had? Three or four... I'm not even sure because they were so incredibly short because fuck me and my anxiety, right? Who do you stalk the most through Facebook? Nobody. Have you ever deleted your Facebook, then brought it back? No. Write the first song that pops into your head: Well, I'm listening to "Freak On a Leash" right now. Has anything interesting come for you in the mail lately, besides bills? Nah. What is your main responsibility each day? Making sure my cat has food, water, and a clean litterbox. Do you feel like you fulfill those responsibilities? Yeah. I've slacked on the box before on bad mental health days where I can barely force myself to do anything, but I'm usually on top of it. Were you in the wrong during your last argument with someone? I don't recall what my last argument was. I think something w/ Mom. What bands did you used to love, that you don’t listen to much anymore? Hm. It's pretty rare I leave behind bands I've LOVED, so. Are you counting down to anything? tomorrow crihmus When was the last time you used spray paint? Oh, I have no idea. Maybe for an art project in HS? What color are the chairs at your kitchen table? Brown. Have you ever or do you plan on donating to any charities? Which ones? I've donated to some you would like pass by in the store if I had some spare coins or dollars on me, and when I cut my hair to as short as it is now, I donated it all to Children With Hair Loss. One of my most cherished memories is getting the certificate that it was used. I'm sure there's more, especially for school, but idr them. I 110% want to donate to charity streams when I have my own income source. Do you believe that life only gets harder or easier? I mean, this depends on your unique life. Do you know the middle name of the last person you kissed? Hm. I don't think Girt has a middle name, and I don't think Tyler ever told me because he was embarrassed by it. I know Sara's. Have you ever had sex with 2 different people in the same week? No. Who is the friendliest person you know? Probably my friend Girt. Last song you listened to? "Milk and Cookies" by Melanie Martinez is on rn. Something that annoys you about summer: Just ONE thing???? Just about everything does. The only thing I enjoy is all the flowers. Well hell, that's even mostly a spring thing. It's mostly just... plain green in the summer. At least here. Too hot for damn flowers to survive. Something that annoys you about winter: The fact that if it snows here, we get barely anything at all. e_e Are the doors of your fridge side by side or on top of one another? Side by side. When was the last time you burned a body part other than your hands/fingers? I actually just burned the roof of my mouth yesterday. If you’ve moved out of the house you were born in, do you know the people who live in that house now? Nope. What’s one food that you eat more than twice a week? Definitely some form of bread. Do you like zombie movies? No opinion, really. What's the grossest/worst thing you’ve ever seen in a public restroom? UGH. This one time I was in the bathroom with Colleen (it's a girl thing lmao) at a gas station, she did what she normally does and checks under the seat, aND IT WAS COVERED IN BLOOD. It was fucking disgusting. What’s the most wasteful thing you regularly do? Ugh... use plastic bags when disposing of Roman's "business" in the litterbox. I feel absolutely awful using one every other day. If I wait any longer than that, Mom gets mad. What’s the most difficult apology you’ve ever had to give? Probably to Jason via that letter. That honestly wasn't that difficult after having fully accepted I fucked up too, though. I don't generally find it hard to apologize when I know I was wrong. Have you ever volunteered in a hospital? If not, would you ever want to? Fuck no. They depress the hell out of me. What was your worst Halloween costume? Idk, I don't remember almost any of mine. When was the first time you can remember feeling mature? When I checked into the doctor by myself. Yes, I know how sad that is at nearly 25. Have you ever had a disappointing Christmas, or any disappointing holiday if you don’t celebrate Christmas? As a kid, there was just one where I was disappointed in what I got. SO fucking ungrateful looking back on that shit. I can't even imagine feeling anything like that now. I cherish Christmas deeply, especially now with nieces and a nephew who experience such joy at Christmastime, and I get to see my dad and his wife and stepson, too. At this age, it truly is about family to me. Do you have any character bandaids in your house right now, or just plain ones? I think we may have some princess ones and some "boy" kind for if the kids are ever over. AKA never because their dad is far more concerned about only including his family in their lives. I don't think Ryder's ever even visited our house, and he's like, four years old. My sister's husband's parents live directly down their road, but still. It hurts Mom and I a lot that we don't seem to matter when it comes to visiting *us*. Have you ever had to give a pet away? Yeah, plenty of times with our old cat nest. What's the junkiest junk food you’ve ever eaten? I dunno, probably something at Disney as a kid. Did you play pretend a lot as a child? Were there any recurring plots or themes? Yeah. I had my "good guys" - a family of alligators, deer (um they were married and had kids don't ask me, man), and some Pokemon figurines - and three big dinos that were the "bad guys." How do you feel about runny egg yolks? Egg yolk is fucking repulsive. The one and only way it's going down my throat is in scrambled eggs. Has a teacher ever tried to teach you something that was undeniably wrong? Not that I remember. If for some reason you had to give up one of your hobbies, which would you choose? I dunno, I have so few already... Maybe World of Warcraft? I almost quit it recently anyway because I was bored and yet it took up so much of my time, but it'd be hard now with a new expansion having just come out with soooo much to do. Man... I dunno. Have you ever hidden a relationship from your family? No. How much do you know about first aid? No more than the average joe, really. Which of your relatives do you know the least about? Sadly, probably my dad's oldest daughter. I know only two things about her with certainty. Have you ever meditated? If so, did it do anything for you? Yes, and all it does is make me fidgety and lets me think too much. When was the last time you got ice cream from a truck? Hm... maybe when I was at a beach when I was on vacation with a friend? I was like, a pre-teen then though, so it's been forever. Do you know any sex workers? If so, how do they feel about their job? Not that I'm aware of. And honestly, I have mixed feelings, but I think I lean more towards it being just fine so long as boundaries are set and there are very clear understandings with each other. And you ABSOLUTELY need to be safe about it. I'd far rather people get off with a consenting individual than in... y'know, other ways. It's not my business, anyway. What’s the biggest art project you’ve ever attempted? How did it go? In high school, I did a huge acrylic painting on burlap of meerkats grooming. I am to this day still so proud of it; I worked so hard on it. I love how the fur came out, especially. I do wish I could do over the background, though. What kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live? Excluding the obvious birds, there are tons of squirrels, and you see opossum and racoon roadkill a lot, tragically... Every now and then, you'll see deer in fields in the morning or dusk. Have you ever cooked anything other than s’mores over a fire? Yeah, hot dog.s Are there any items in your house that you use for something other than its intended purpose? I'm positive there's something. Probably everyone has an example. OH! Looking in just my room, Venus' terrarium has saran wrap covering the top to help keep humidity in. What do you hope the afterlife is like? Really, I go back and forth between hoping it's like... this state of nirvana and where you reunite with loved ones and experience infinite peace if deserved, or just the entire lack of existence anymore. I wonder sometimes if I'd want to be sentient forever. But, with me believing in a spirit realm, I don't think the latter is the case. What’s the worst behavior you’ve ever seen from a child? I think I once saw a kid smack their parent's arm or something? I don't really know. Have you ever planned an act of revenge? "No, but i daydream about it." <<<< Ha, yeah, I have. Do you and your parents share any of the same hobbies? Yeah. Mom surprised me when she told me she likes writing (even though I never see her do it), and Dad likes video games. Do you have any physical photo albums? Yes. Would you feel comfortable working at a sex shop? NOPE. Who was the worst friend you ever had? It's funny, Colleen did incredible things for me, but she also fits this description, too... Have you ever campaigned for a political candidate, or otherwise played an active role in an election? I mean, I voted, does that count? What’s the coolest hand-me-down you’ve ever gotten? What about the best one you’ve ever given? I have no idea. Do your parents and grandparents get along with each other? Dad got along perfectly fine with his parents, but my mom and her mother had a rocky history. Grammy treated her awfully sometimes. They'd been fine for many, many years, but Mom could never forget some things and always felt like she wasn't "good enough" in her eyes. I'm pretty sure Mom got along just fine with her dad. Do you have any framed photos of your pet(s)? Yes. Do you share photos of your pet(s) on social media? Um, duh. In 3 words, describe the last male you talked to. Who WAS the last guy I talked to... Do you own any of your favorite films on DVD? Which one(s)? No. Have you watched anything on Netflix lately? No. The last thing I did on Netflix was watch the first episode of The Witcher, and even though I liked it, I didn't continue. I just... don't enjoy watching TV, especially if it really requires you to pay attention. Have you ever heard someone snoring and thought it sounded cute? Besides animals, no. Are you particular about what you eat? In what way(s)? Yeah, I'm VERY picky, especially with textures. Is anyone close to you particular about what they eat? In what way(s)? Yes, my niece. She's autistic and has the symptom of being incredibly picky with things like textures, too. She is the one child I have ever known that doesn't really like eating. Is there someone in your life who can always make you smile? Always, no. Have you worn lipstick at any time recently? What color? No. I last wore black forever ago just to take pictures. Do you like wearing eyeshadow to match the color of your clothes? No; in the very rare instance I put on makeup, the eyeshadow is always black. What song reminds you of your childhood? Jesse McCartney songs, for sure. And Backstreet Boys. What’s your least favorite month? Maybe August. I'm sick and beyond tired of summer by that point. Nothing exciting going on. What do you do when you’re bored in class and not paying attention to the teacher? When I was in school, I honestly always paid attention because I wanted to pass. Have you ever baked a pie? No. Last person you shared food with? Mom. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Definitely not. Were you smiling in the last picture taken of you? I don't think so, if that witchy photoshoot was the last time I had a pic taken of me. Do you answer the phones at your job? I did at two old jobs. Were you a hyper or mellow kid? I was kinda hyper. What are you drinking? Would you believe me if I answered "water"????? Did you get any compliments today? No. What last made you laugh? I think a moment in a WoW stream I was watching last night. Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to? Sara. What was your best summer ever? /shrug Do you have a favourite sibling? No. What color is the blanket/quilt on your bed? Navy and black. Favorite milkshake flavour? Just chocolate. Sometimes I'm in the mood for vanilla, though. Best year of your life? 2017. It's funny how that year started with a suicide attempt but wound up being the best year of my life. NEVER hestitate to reach out for help when you need it. How loud do you like your music in the car? Too loud lmao. Prefer to write or read? Write. Favourite apps? Pokemon GO, haha. What is a fruit you refuse to eat? Absolutely refuse? Maybe like, cantaloupe. Would you rather gain weight or lose weight? It'd to fuckin fantastic if I could lose 100 pounds. :^) I gained like thirty since moving... Would you rather gain height or lose height? Gain a tiny bit, I guess? But I'm fine with where I'm at. Are both your eyes the same color? Yes. Do you like glittery things? Yes, but not touching them and getting glitter everywhere. Ever watched a play in the theatre? Yes, at Disney World and also for school field trips. How many followers do you have on instagram? A depressing amount for someone desperately trying to be a photographer lmaooo. I mean I don't post on it a lot, so that doesn't help, but yeah. My secondary photography account (for roadkill/vulture culture stuff) has more than my main one. How about twitter? Don't use it. How much would I have to pay you to get you to do karaoke? I don't know, I'd be terrified of embarrassing myself. Last time you went ice skating? Never. Painting or drawing? Drawing, by far. Art or science? Now that's tough, but art. Dancing or singing? Dancing. History or geography? Geography is interesting. Favourite season? Autumn. Do you watch Supernatural? I did up to the end of Season 6. I loved it, I just was losing interest in TV, and also Jason and I broke up (we always watched it together) so I didn't want to watch something triggering memories. If you could change your eye color would you? Yes, to either a pure sapphire blue or emerald green. Are both your ears pierced? Yes. Are you lying down? Yes. Is there a tv in your room? No. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving? Yeah. Do you like fortune cookies? Yeah, they're oddly tasty. Do you have anxiety? You fuckin bet I do. Favorite clothing shop? RebelsMarket. How do you feel about peeing in a cup at the hospital? Is it embarrassing? No? It's too normal to be embarrassing. I mean I wrap toilet paper around it so you don't actually see, y'know, but I'm not embarrassed carrying that. Do you prefer fruit or vegetables? Fruit, by a long shot. What do you hate being called? "Bee." An old best friend who did nothing but lie about her entire life called me that. What color is the last car you were in? White. Ever studied abroad? No. Ever pulled out a tooth? Yeah, when I was a kid. Three celebrity crushes? Mark Fischbach, Link Neal, Hannah Hart. Ever been married? No. Are you proud of yourself? In most ways, no. Do you like grapes? Yep. How often do you cook for your family? Never. Is anyone in your family a lawyer? My cousin is, actually. Is anyone in your family an architect? Don't think so. Own any crystals? No. Favourite thing to write with? (pen, pencil, highlighter) Pencil. Top 5 favourite alcoholic drinks? I don't know, I haven't tried enough that I actually enjoy. Would you date someone bald? Yeah. Would you date someone who doesn’t want kids? I don't want kids either, so that's the only kind of person I'd date. That's something you can't really disagree on if you plan on lasting. Do you like candles? Sure. Favorite memory with a sibling? I dunno, probably something from when we were little kids playing together.

#survey #surveys #quiz #questions #lyrics: ''master of decay'' by 3teeth

[dingdonghun]

Mutuals and followers

I'm going to be transparent with you. I'm in a really bad financial spot right now. (I'm not asking for money, I prefer to solve my problems on my own.)

My bearded dragon Hemingway is in the vet rn, I've legit had him for less than a week. I'm worried sick.

I have a $4,000 credit card bill, which btw they are saying I didn't make this months payment which I literally did, I gave them $200.

I forgot to pay my dental bill last month because I was so busy moving that it slipped my mind and now I literally don't have enough money to meet the minimum payment.

My clients keep canceling on me because of the holidays so I'm making pretty much no money, and on top of that my last vacation I took two days off so my paycheck coming in on the 16th is going to be cut in half.

I have an endless amount of bills. And no money. When I get into a tight financial spot, I get really, really depressed and s word.

So, that is the reason I haven't been replying to messages. As well as I was trying to meet a deadline for a collaboration fic, which I'll post in about two hours.

After that though, you guys may hear very little from me for a while. I don't have energy to talk and my anxiety is through the roof. I may reblog things here and there but for the most part I'll be MIA until I figure out this financial crisis. I apologize and I love you all.