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charturnus · 1 year

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Diversionary Tactics pt. 1

Ships: Wanda x Female!Reader - Natasha x Female!Reader

a/n: For Magda, here's to your 25th, and another year of growth, happiness, laughter, and love. I would have given you the world, but you won't let me so here is some smut instead. I'm so grateful to be your friend, and I cannot wait to watch you grow in the next year. Remember that I love you to the moon and to Saturn. @stonemags you did ask me to post it at the end of the day, doesn't get more the end of the day than a few minutes before midnight.

Summary: Everybody is pretty sure you're on a path to destroying yourself. You're pretty sure all you want is your strap down Wanda's throat. Opinions differ.

Warnings: 18+, top!reader, bottom!Wanda, face fucking, throat bulge, strap on, degradation, honorifics, vaginal sex, self loathing, angst. No beta we die like men.

Word count: 5k

‘’Alright kids, now remember, stick to plan,’’ Tony says severely, rising from his seat on the quinjet, ‘’no improv, no games, no funny business.’’ His eyes sweep across the room, and I feel his gaze lingering on me. I don’t look at him, instead pretending to be very interested in the map of the hydra base we’re about to invade. ‘’I want you all back here safe and sound, ready to be tucked in by Rogers and Hill at the end of the day, capiche?’’ From my periphery, I’ve been watching him move closer and closer, but now I can no longer feign ignorance. I look up slightly, Tony in his shiny red and gold suit, ready to close the armour over his face. When he speaks, it sounds like he’s addressing the whole group, but his eyes are locked firmly onto mine.’’

‘’And remember, don’t play the hero.’’

***

One by one, my colleagues jump from the jet, after they don their suits, and grab their parachutes if necessary. I watch as Steve checks Sam’s suit before allowing him to jump. Sam has barely disappeared from view before Tony grabs me by the scruff of my neck, pulling me away from the opening in the floor.

‘’Why aren’t you in your suit?’’ Annoyed, I bat his hand away, my bone hits the metal of his armour, and pain shoots up my arm, but I fight to keep my expression neutral. ‘’It’s not really my style, you know, with all that colour.’’ I’m well aware that I’m being difficult, but I can’t put a stop to it. I’m so exhausted that I’m ready to burn a whole city to the ground, myself along with it. The suit is incredible, but also flashy and extremely heavy. And maybe I enjoy making things harder than they need to be, so what? Tony stares at me incredulously, before turning to Steve as if to check if he heard my comment too. Steve just holds up his hands in defeat, ‘’I’m not getting caught up in this, Tony, handle it yourself.’’

Coward.

‘’Not your-’’ Tony halts, breathing sharply in utter annoyance, ‘’you know people have committed murder to get a hold of one of my suits.’’

‘’I’ll pour one out for them.’’

‘’Romanoff, help me, before I duct tape the kid to the wall,’’ Tony grumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose with his shining red fingers. The last thing I need right now is Nat with her lectures about what’s good for me, and while I know she means well, and I love her so much, I want nothing more than for her to just shut up. Both of them, actually.

Before she gets a chance to speak, I hold up a finger in the air. ‘’Actually, you know, this thing has been really bothering me lately.’’ Nat looks genuinely interested and concerned, and I almost feel bad for fucking with her. ‘’There’s this little bone in your jaw, apparently, I never knew about it before.’’ I use my fingers to pretend like I’m looking for something in my jaw. ‘’There,’’ I say, stopping near where my wisdom teeth once sat. ‘’Can you feel that?’’ Nat goes along with it, trying to mimic where I’ve placed my own fingers. ‘’I think I can feel something, yeah.’’

‘’Yeah, right there. Turns out, that bone allows you to shut the fuck up.’’

Both of them look furious, and I decide that this is my cue to get out. I hold up my hands in an imitation of Steve, walking backwards like I’m retreating and admitting my defeat. The parachutes are now right behind me, ready to be snatched up by my willing hands.

‘’Nat, I love you, I really do. And I respect the hell out of you, Tony, but it’s not going to happen.’’ Quick as a flash, my fingers secure one of the chutes, and with two quick steps, I’m at the edge of the open floor. ‘’I don’t need your suit, I’m feeling brave.’’

Nat and Steve both dive at me, but I’m too fast for them, letting myself fall backwards into the open sky.

Falling…

***

The fight was a disaster, to say the least. The mission was accomplished, but barely. Clint and Bucky both got wounded pretty badly, and everyone else has seen better days. I myself would have been crushed to death along with Peter and Natasha if Wanda hadn’t kept the bricks from falling just long enough so that we could make a quick escape. Still, one of the Hydra agents got me in the head with the but of his gun, causing blood to stream copiously from the wound, coating my face. I shot him in the foot for his trouble, though.

Tony has called us all to the medical bay, no doubt to lecture us all on our performance. Even I can’t find a reason not to obey this command, so I slow down my pace deliberately in order to fall behind the group.

Jumping from the jet without my suit wasn’t my best idea, but I made it to the ground in one piece. The landing was rough, though, and I seriously hurt my left leg in the process. My knee and ankle are still killing me now, but I try not to show too much of it. The injury seriously impedes my ability to run, slowing me down enough to be an easy target for the hydra agents. Nat and Tony had to save my ass more than once, and the thought of facing them after that show I put on in the jet is beyond embarrassing.

I need some way to recover from this bruise on my ego. I wouldn’t say I have a God complex per se, but I put a lot of stock in my fighting ability, and my performance today was severely lacking. I need a reminder that this is not who I am.

Instantly, my eyes find Wanda in the group of people walking ahead of me.

It’s almost accidental. Almost.

Her hair is in a ponytail, and she looks to be amongst one of the most unscathed team members. Wanda’s magic has been growing incredibly strong recently, and she most certainly doesn’t need a suit to keep herself safe. Still, her attitude doesn’t reflect her powers. In battle, Wanda is fierce, throwing around grown men like they’re rag dolls. Back at the compound, it is she who prefers to be thrown around like a rag doll.

I think that’s just what I need. Wanda gagging on my cock so loudly that the voice in my head calling me a failure finally shuts up.

‘’Hey,’’ Peter calls from behind me, breaking me away from the images in my head. The poor kid looks pretty beaten up, but he’s smiling in spite of it all. ‘’That was a tough one, huh? I almost thought Mr Stark was gonna call off the whole mission.’’ Peter’s limping, his right leg clearly too tender to stand on. My own leg feels like absolute hell, but I can’t let Pete struggle his way over to the med bay without help. ‘’Yeah, it was a tough one for sure. You got your leg hurt? Here, let me help.’’ I scoop one of his arms over my shoulder, helping him take some weight off of his leg. In turn, that puts extra weight onto mine, sending tendrils of pain shooting up all the way to my hip. This is no time for weakness, though, no time for pain or tears. I just grit my teeth and help Peter over to a bed in the medical bay, while he chats to me about how he saw a guy’s shoes get blown off his feet by the force of an explosion created by Strange.

To everybody’s surprise, and horror, it isn’t Tony giving us the lecture. Once we’re all grouped in the medical bay, surrounding our hurt team members in their beds, Maria Hill emerges from the side entrance of the bay. Behind me, I hear Scott curse, and Peter gives me a concerned look from where he’s sitting with his leg elevated.

‘’She looks really mad,’’ Wanda whispers, and a few of us who heard look over to where she stands with her back to the wall, nervously picking at the hem of her dress. Wanda is always so self-assured in battle, making seasoned warriors lose their minds with her magic. But out here it’s like she draws into herself completely, always needing reassurance and protection.

So, naturally, I go to her. Compared to me, Wanda looks like she just got out of a spa. There isn’t a spot of blood or dirt on her. Her knees are dusty, and she has a scrape on her forehead, but there’s no sign of it breaking the skin badly enough to actually release any blood. She’s just a little dusty. Meanwhile, the whole right side of my face and hair are covered in my own blood. Head wounds always bleed like they’re going to end your life, even if they’re not so serious. This one certainly doesn’t feel too bad, but that might be the adrenaline talking.

‘’You’re okay, dove.’’ I tell her, ‘’Hill might be mad, but she didn’t see what it was like out there. And besides, you did so well out there.’’

‘’Really?’’ She looks up at me with those pretty green eyes, full of innocence and disbelief, as if she can’t remember how she single-handedly saved three of her colleagues’ lives. I wonder how much of it is an act, but then, even if it is, do I really care? She gives me those same eyes when she sucks me off, and I certainly don’t care then.

For the most part, I manage to tune out Hill’s shrill voice as she lectures us like a bunch of naughty school children. I’m too occupied with Wanda trying to cuddle up to me, moving to stand with her back against my front, pressing her ass into my crotch.

She’s always desperate to be fucked after a fight.

‘’And next time, remember. Playing the hero doesn’t pay off, if I hear of anyone going into battle without a suit, you’re getting pulled from the team.’’ This most certainly catches my attention. She has enough grace to not address me by name, but everyone is looking at me anyway, so I decide to make use of the stage provided for me. ‘’Will you kick out Tony if he keeps making those ugly suits?’’ The reaction is a real mixed bag. Shuri doubles over with laughter, and Scott and Strange are fighting their smiles. Hill looks furious, and so does Nat, but I think the latter has something to do with my hand being placed firmly on Wanda’s midriff.

***

I act like Hill’s commentary doesn’t bother me, like Tony’s disappointment doesn’t sting. Fake it until you make it, right? I know I was wrong for doing what I did, but I seem to be rapidly losing control of any and all rational decision-making skills. I’m not trying to get myself killed, like my teammates are probably thinking. I don’t want to die, not yet, there’s still so much for me to see and do. But barely scraping the edge, coming face to face with it and walking away alive, that is a feeling like no other. It makes me feel untouchable, godlike even.

It’s almost as good as having my fist in Wanda’s hair as she tries to take my cock down her throat. She’s so desperate to please and be comforted that it’s almost laughable. The promise of getting tucked in at night, and fucked how she likes it, is enough to turn her into a desperate little whore.

She’s on her knees for me on her pretty white rug. My boots flank her on either side, some enemy’s blood visible even over the black of my combat boots. I can see my own face in the mirror on the opposite side of the room, the whole front of it is covered in my own blood, now dry and flaking off. Wanda didn’t even let me wash myself first, insisting that she likes me fresh from the fight.

She’s a pretty sight, kneeling between my feet like this, but she’s slacking off on taking my strap. I’m not in the mood for niceties today. I need to remind myself of the power I wield, before I allow myself to become overrun with weakness.

Wanda has one hand at the base of my cock, and she’s suckling prettily on the head. ‘’That’s cute, dove.’’ I say, leaning forward to grab her by the throat, ‘’but you know that’s not what I want.’’

I lay her down on her desk, so I can stand up instead of hunching over undignified on the bed. Her head hangs over one side, and her open mouth, wet and waiting, is much too inviting. The sound of her gagging is like music to my ears. This isn’t wholly selfish either, I have to remind myself. Poor Wanda, so tired of having to be a big girl all the time, just needs someone to put her in her place. Who am I to deny her?

She lays there so prettily, mouth wide open and willing, her legs spread and her hips bucking up in search of non-existent friction. I’m obsessed with the way my cock bulges in her throat, bobbing up and down along with my thrusts. I could cum just from the sight of this, and the noises Wanda makes below me as I take her. This harness has a soft silicone grinder that is made especially to sit snugly against my clit, and with the combined friction from the strap, and the sight of my cock deep in Wanda’s throat, it’s enough to put me right on the edge. I won’t let myself fall though, it will take me right out of this high and then the self-hatred will settle in. I’m not ready to face that. Even just the thought of it makes me shiver, and I have to ground myself in the moment to push those thoughts to the back of my mind.

I place first one, and then both of my hands over her throat, feeling the movement of my strap. My hands are large enough to cover her whole neck, and it’s nothing short of satisfying to be so utterly in control. At least with Wanda, I’m always the one standing tall. Her face is all red and saliva is running down her cheeks, gravity pulling it dangerously close to her eyes, where tears are dribbling steadily into her hairline.

Still, the strap isn’t all the way down her throat. We’ve been working on it, but she’s not quite there yet. I try to push her a little bit every time, and she’s been doing better and better. But it’s still hard for her. She lets out one gag so bad that I have to pull out completely for a second, allowing her to spit out a mouth full of saliva onto the floor. I’m not phased by this. Once you’ve seen men die in the worst ways possible, a little spit is nothing.

I squat down, holding back the stream of swears I want to let out at the horrible pain in my leg. I use my thumbs to wipe the saliva and tears away from her eyes, and I give her a kiss on her sweaty brow. ‘’You’re doing so well, princess. Can you try again for me? Just a few seconds, I want you to take all of me. You can do that for me, can’t you pretty girl?’’ She catches her breath slowly, her mouth still open. Already fucked dumb, and I haven’t even gotten to her cunt yet. She nods at me blearily, ‘’wanna make you proud, daddy.’’

Something in my chest contracts at that, but I couldn’t name the emotion if my life depended on it. For now, I try to focus on how wet the sight of her like this makes me. ‘’Good girl,’’ I say as I stroke the strap lightly, rubbing the head over her luscious lips. ‘’Just a few seconds, and then I’ll let you cum, okay?’’ She nods, and obediently opens her mouth further for me. ‘’Good, now relax your throat and let daddy do the work.’’

I hold her head securely, making sure it’s tipped back enough, before sliding my hands back over her throat, I’m going to want to feel this. I’m not gentle, and I really can’t find it in me to be sorry about that, not when this feels and looks like complete and utter euphoria. I fuck my cock into her with one sharp thrusts. She gags instantly and sputters, her hands reaching for my thighs trying to push me away, but I don’t let her. I reassure her softly that she’s doing great and that it won’t take long, which seems to make it easier on her. I push against the last bits of resistance, sliding the strap all the way in. I rut into her mouth, as deep as I can. The sounds coming from her are obscene, but I cannot bring myself to pull back. In the back of my mind, I’m counting seconds. I’ll allow myself to stay here and soak this in for 20 seconds. With my fingers, I press lightly on her throat to feel the bulge of my cock inside of her. The zip of my trousers digs into her skin, and I know it’ll leave a mark there.

The pressure against my clit threatens to undo me, and I let myself get dangerously close. I even grind my hips, fucking her throat lightly. One day, I’m going to hook a cum reservoir onto my strap and cum down her throat, along with my own orgasm. But not now. I have to control myself, so when the count in my head reaches 20, I pull out.

Wanda is back to spitting out saliva and gasping for air. She coughs a few times, and it sounds pretty rough. I help her up, cradling her in my arms. The hard work is done now, I assure her. For a few minutes, I sit with her draped over my lap on her bed. I cradle her head into my chest, petting her hair and whispering praise to her. ‘’You did so beautifully, dove. You’re getting so much better, do you remember how you couldn’t even take half of me when we first started?’’ She’s gone too far into subspace to really speak, but she’s still responsive, and I feel her nod.

‘’One day I’m going to be able to fuck you like that for 10 minutes straight, princess, and you’ll love every second of it.’’ This seems to stir something in her, because she mewls into me, spreading her legs slightly. We’re both still clothed, and I must say it’s a thrill to fuck Wanda with her dress still on. But not today. I strip her of everything except for her thigh highs, as they make her look like the slut I know she is.

She’s incredibly wet, her cunt swollen and red, moisture running down between her cheeks. I consider for a while if I should make her wait, but I don’t want to deprive myself of watching my cock disappear inside of her.

Instinctively, she tries to get on her hands and knees, but I’m not having that. I grab her by her waist and lay her down underneath me. I could almost laugh at her pained expression. She’s moaning already, and I haven’t even touched her yet. Using both of my hands, I part her thighs and push them up to her chest. Her breasts bounce slightly as I manhandle her into position, and my mind has already skipped ahead to watching them move in time with my thrusts as I fuck her.

I keep both hands steady on the backs of her thighs, folding her almost in half. I look down to where my strap stands at attention, teasingly I slide it over her slit, enjoying the way she writhes when the slightest pressure is applied to her clit.

Who’s going to tell her this is for me, and not for her?

In sharp contrast to how I fucked her throat, I slide myself in gently, allowing her some time to adjust. She’s gasping, and clawing at my clothed back, and I’m slightly upset that she’s not leaving deep red marks all over my bare back. Oh, well.

After a few short minutes of light teasing

She’s trying to move her hips against me, but I have her in such a tight hold that she’s getting nowhere. ‘’Tell me what you want, pretty girl,’’ I goad her. She huffs and puffs, her face still bright red, her hair sticking to the sweat on her brow and the semi dry salvia on her cheeks. ‘’Please, please, please,’’ she whines breathily, ‘’ruin me, daddy.’’

How am I supposed to deny a request like that?

I take my chain necklace into my teeth, so it doesn’t hurt her by smacking into her face, and I set a punishing rhythm for us both. My leg is killing me, but Wanda underneath me like this is such a captivating sight that I cannot stop myself. She holds me against her tightly, like she’s afraid I’ll let go. In her defence, I’ve left her like this multiple times, so the poor girl probably has trust issues.

Tears are falling freely from the corners of her eyes now, and I’m so focussed on that, that I don’t notice one of her hands leaving my back. She snakes it in between our bodies, so she can reach her clit. When she moans sharply and her body seizes up, I realize what she’s doing. Quickly, I reach down to snatch her hand away.

I pull my strap out in one swift movement. With my free hand, I squeeze her cheeks and force her to look me in the eye. ‘’That’s a shame, I was going to let you cum, but now you’ll have to work harder for it.’’

I decide to make her ride me.

It’s hilarious to watch her try to mount me with her shaky thighs. The poor thing is actually crying now, her tears dripping down all the way to her chest, along with her salvia. With one hand I hold both of her wrists tightly, with the other I rub her spit over her hard nipples, enjoying the way her hips twitch when I rub them in just the right way.

Once she manages to sink herself down on my cock, she thinks she can get away with grinding her way to an orgasm, but I disillusion her of that idea quickly. ‘’Nuh uh, baby, if you want to cum you’re going to have to work for it properly.

After a small fit of crying and whining, she gets down to work. Fucking herself until her already shaky thighs are on the verge of giving out. She has let her head hang forward, absolutely exhausted. All that I can hear now are the obscene, wet, sucking noises that come from between her thighs, and the exhausted little moans and pleas to relieve her of her ache.

She holds out for a heroic 15 minutes, until her thighs quite literally cannot keep her upright any longer. I had taken pity on her about 7 minutes into it, but it’s still impressive to watch her fight for it so hard. I take her face in both of my hands and kiss her forehead tenderly. ‘’Alright baby girl, you took that so well. Are you ready for your reward now?’’

In spite of her exhaustion, she nods, a soft whimper coming from her red and puffy lips. I put her on her elbows and knees, but within the first few thrusts she collapses under me. I hold her upright easily, fucking into her like it’s the last time I’ll be able to. She’s a bit too loud, and I know the others will have dirty looks for us tomorrow, but I really don’t care.

I place a sloppy kiss on her back as I finally reach down to rub her clit. ‘’You can cum whenever you need to, princess.’’ I grunt, as I use all my focus to keep up with the thrusts and the rhythm of my rubbing fingers.

Thankfully, it doesn’t take long. It’s impressive, really. In less than ten seconds, she’s cumming all over my fingers, her cunt clenching so tightly around my strap that it makes it hard to move as firmly as I would like. I fuck her right through her peak, and I’m prepared to push her into another, but Wanda is clearly done.

She’s shaking and shivering, her muscles weak and tired, she still tries to push me away. I’m tired myself now, so I don’t need any more incentive. I pull out of her and cover her tenderly with a blanket. She wants to go to sleep, and I don’t blame her. But I force her into a shower, sitting on the lid of the toilet, I watch over her to make sure she doesn’t pass out.

Once she’s freshly showered, I tuck her in. I lay on top of her sheets, which feels wrong in my state, covered in dust and dried blood as I am. Wanda doesn’t seem to mind, though. She begs me to stay, and I don’t have the heart to tell her I won’t. So, I comb my fingers through her fair, and kiss her slowly, telling her how good she’s been for me, and that it’s time to rest now. It doesn’t take her more than 15 minutes to fall asleep.

Once I’m sure she’s out, I tip toe my way across the room, and out into the hallway. Stupidly, I have my back to the hallway as I close the door. I try to shut it as softly as possible, not wanting to wake Wanda. I’m so tired after all of that, that my eyes feel heavy. I’m ready for a hot shower, and bedtime, before the thoughts of the mission can overwhelm me.

My room is next to Wanda’s, so I don’t expect any trouble, but really, trouble always shows up when you least expect it. In this case, trouble comes to me in the shape of Natasha Romanoff.

***

Nat corners me as soon as Wanda’s door is closed.

‘’What the hell have you been doing?’’

I narrow my eyes at her, not sure if she’s serious. I look down to the harness and strap in my left hand, and then look back to Nat. ‘’What do you want me to say, that we were braiding each other’s hair and talking about boys?’’

She crosses her arms over her chest. ‘’I don’t care what you get up to with her.’’

That’s debatable.

‘’I mean the mission today, and every mission we’ve been on this past month. What the hell has gotten into you?’’

I try to sidestep her, to get to my own bedroom door, but she blocks my path. ‘’You were out there trying to get yourself killed.’’ Nat hisses.

At this point I’m too tired to deal with this, so I snap back at her, ‘’Well, I’m clearly still alive’’

Nat’s eyes are boring into mine with such intensity that I would shrink away if I didn’t have a reputation to uphold. ‘’You going out there without a suit on? What do you call that?’’ She fumes.

I shrug, a genuine half smile creeping into my lips in spite of the dire circumstances, ‘’an adventure?’’

‘’That was attempted suicide,’’ Nat says severely, clearly not as amused as I am. I just snort, unable to keep myself from cracking a joke ‘’I’m going to show you attempted suicide’’

Her mouth forms a hard line, ‘’that’s not funny.’’ I know it’s not, and I can tell she’s upset, but I can’t wipe the stupid smile off my face.

She’s on the verge of saying something when the sound of a door opening makes us both turn around. Peter is standing in the doorway of his bedroom, wearing only a Captain America branded shirt and a pair of boxers. I quickly hide the strap and harness behind my back. ‘’Hey guys,’’ he says cheerfully, in spite of the limp in his step. ‘’I was going to make myself a freezer pizza, you want anything?’’

Nat gives him a tight smile and shakes her head. ‘’No, thanks, Pete,’’ I tell him, ‘’I still haven’t cleaned up, I’ll get something after.’’

Seeming to pick up on the uncomfortably loaded energy, he pulls an awkward face and shoots a pair of finger guns at us. ‘’Okay, well I’ll hide a margarita pizza for you underneath the ice cubes, so you won’t get stuck with the Hawaiian.’’ Peter really is a good friend, I decide. ‘’Thanks, kid, I owe you one,’’ I say, watching him limp clumsily towards the kitchen. Once the door has fallen shut behind him, Nat grabs my upper arm and tries to pull me towards her own bedroom. I shrug her off.

‘’I want to shower, Nat, I’m covered in blood.’’

‘’And Wanda’s cum.’’

‘’Jealous it’s not yours?’’

Her eyes are ablaze with fury now, and there’s no hiding it. ‘’You’re trying to kill yourself, and I’m not going to sit here and watch you lose yourself.’’

‘’Nat, I’m fine.’’ I say, slowly losing my smile.

‘’You don’t look fine.’’

‘’Then stop fucking looking at me.’’

It comes out much louder than I had intended for it to, and it startles me slightly. I can see Nat is taken aback by it too, but she’s not afraid. Her expression shifts from anger to concern in a matter of seconds. ‘’

‘’Can you just listen to me? Please, if not for your sake, then for mine. I’m not your enemy’’

I can’t argue with this, not when she looks so upset and my conscience is screaming at me after that outburst. I weigh my options in my head, I can go to the kitchen with Peter and god knows who else, and face all of their questions about why I went into the fight without a suit, and why I haven’t showered yet. Alternatively, I could try to barricade myself in my room, and ignore Nat, but I have a nasty feeling that this won’t take me very far.

‘’Fine,’’ I say, deciding this will be the least painful option in the long run. ‘’Fine, Nat, whatever, but I’m tired, so please keep this short. And don’t lecture me any more about the suit, Hill already did that plenty.’’

‘’Just put that thing away,’’ she says, waving vaguely at my strap.

‘’And here I was thinking you wanted a round too.’’

#char writes #diversionary tactics #wanda x reader #natasha x reader #c: wanda maximoff #c: natasha romanoff #wanda maximoff fanfiction #natasha romanoff fanfiction #top!reader

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timesnewnoir · 5 months

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no love, however brief, is wasted

i can proudly say that i have filled up 1 drawing per month template this year and 6 of them are colored per last year's goal!!

(template by ssmt_turb)

this year has been a really overwhelming year for me in terms of drawing as my hobby. there's a lot of things that i never experience before prior to this year. i feel like i've been extremely productive and i've been learning extremely fast this year. looking back at it, i do feel like all of this might be happening way too fast. i've never really experience things like this before, so much growth in such a short time. the fauna brain rot is too real (tm). i could never imagined being so so so inspired by just 1 person. here's a toast for fauna and asagi-sensei. i couldn't have done this without having you both as my oshi and muse and inspiration.

to be honest, i still don't know what to make of all this. sometimes i feel proud about it, but most times i feel burdened by it. i'm still trying to find what i should feel about all this and how to deal with it. but i guess that's my problem for next year. i think for the first time in my life i realize a lot of things i previously didn't realize. maybe i do yearn to go back to how it was, when i lived in blissful ignorance. but alas, it is what it is.

but anyway, i think i still want to go back to my roots. i love drawing and i enjoy creating. i would never call myself an artist tho, but i love to draw still. i love the joy of creating and every single step of it. the best part of drawing is when i fill the space with repeated lines, that's the most fun part and i would do it over and over again.

it wouldn't be as fun however, without people to share it with. and i don't want to lose that, ever. there are times when i cried because i realize despite me being like this, people still interact with me. i cried and cried and cried maybe days i cried like this. thank you everyone for being patient with me, for teaching me how to improve in doing one of the things that still make my life worth living for.

and of course, of course, thank you for sharing this journey with me. thank you for fauna, my oshi, i genuinely never thought i would reach this far!!!!!!! for all my friends, mutuals and strangers i met along the way, thank you for letting me share my creation with you. thank you for being so incredibly kind and accepting about it. thank you for giving me a chance to show my ideas and fan arts. without someone to share my work with, i will feel incredibly empty.

i hope i never forget the joy of crafting and sharing and be who I am regardless of everything.

cheers, and may 2024 be kind to all of you.

#romeo draw #romeo text #I AM BEING SAPPY OK?

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harmonyhealinghub · 4 months

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The Fulfilling Journey of Being a Reiki Practitioner

Shaina Tranquilino

February 5, 2024

People are constantly seeking ways to improve their physical and mental well-being. One holistic practice that has gained significant popularity in recent years is reiki. As a reiki practitioner myself, I can confidently say that this path brings immense fulfillment, not just for those we help but also for our own personal growth. In this blog post, let's explore why being a reiki practitioner is so deeply fulfilling.

1. Empowering Others:

As a reiki practitioner, one of the most rewarding aspects is the ability to empower others on their healing journey. Through gentle touch or distance healing, we channel universal life force energy to balance and harmonize the recipient's energetic system. Witnessing clients experience deep relaxation, stress relief, pain reduction, emotional release, and overall well-being is incredibly fulfilling. Knowing that you've played a part in someone's healing process creates an indescribable sense of joy and purpose.

2. Creating Positive Energy Exchanges:

Reiki sessions create powerful energy exchanges between the practitioner and client. During a treatment, both parties immerse themselves in a serene atmosphere where positive intentions permeate the space. This exchange enables profound connections with individuals seeking healing and promotes an environment conducive to fostering trust and compassion. The shared experiences during treatments often result in lasting relationships built on genuine care and understanding.

3. Personal Growth and Self-Healing:

While offering healing to others, reiki practitioners embark on an inner journey of self-discovery and growth. Regularly practicing reiki allows us to become more attuned to our own energy systems, bringing about personal transformation and healing. By working on ourselves, we enhance our abilities as practitioners – becoming clearer channels for divine energy to flow through us effortlessly.

4. Cultivating Mindfulness:

Reiki inherently encourages mindfulness in both practitioners and recipients alike. The practice requires us to be fully present, focusing on the energy flowing through our hands and into the recipient's body. This heightened state of awareness fosters a deep connection with the present moment, enabling practitioners to let go of distractions and worries. The mindfulness cultivated through reiki spills over into all areas of life, leading to increased clarity, peace of mind, and overall well-being.

5. Being Part of a Supportive Community:

The reiki community is a tight-knit group that shares a common passion for healing and spiritual growth. Engaging with fellow practitioners allows for valuable exchanges of knowledge, experiences, and techniques. Participating in workshops, seminars, or reiki circles not only expands our understanding but also provides ongoing support from like-minded individuals who understand the unique journey we are on.

Being a reiki practitioner is truly fulfilling in countless ways. From witnessing the transformative effects it has on others' lives to experiencing personal growth and cultivating mindfulness within ourselves – each aspect contributes to an enriched existence. By embracing this holistic practice, we become catalysts for positive change while simultaneously nurturing our own well-being. If you feel drawn to healing work and have an innate desire to make a difference in people's lives, consider embarking on the fulfilling journey of becoming a reiki practitioner.

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redjadethewriter · 25 days

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"You're Brave To Choose 'Not' To Forgive"

While watching an ex-therapist discuss the concept of forgiveness, their perspective intrigued me. They argued that forgiveness can sometimes serve as a way to dissociate from our true feelings. It was a refreshing take, as we often hear phrases like “You need to find forgiveness in your perpetrator” or “You’re brave for being so forgiving.” However, I believe there is a distinction between apologizing for our actions and genuinely working on personal growth and emotional maturity.

Apologizing involves taking accountability for the harm we have caused and actively striving to become a better person. It requires self-reflection and understanding of the root causes of our destructive actions. It is not about seeking forgiveness solely to repair relationships or improve our image in the eyes of others.

In the past, I apologized with the expectation of forgiveness, without truly learning from my mistakes. I yearned to have that person back in my life or to enhance my reputation, rather than sincerely addressing the underlying issues that led to my harmful behavior. I now realize that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and focus on personal growth, rather than seeking forgiveness as a means to move on.

It is essential to delve into the reasons behind our uncontrollable emotions and the destructive actions they may trigger. By understanding the root of these issues, we can work towards genuine personal growth and emotional healing.

The guy spoke about his decision not to forgive his parents, explaining how it saved his life. This choice helped him grieve, reconnect with his emotions, and ultimately recover from his trauma. I can completely understand why he needed to do that, and it made me reflect on my own experiences. Why did we spend so many years constantly forgiving those who hurt us the most? In his case, he had to forgive his parents because he depended on them. He talked about feeling trapped, having nowhere else to go, lacking the financial means to leave, and being too inexperienced to navigate life on his own. It’s devastating when forgiveness becomes the only option, leading to dissociation and enduring constant issues, all while trying to cope with the trauma of being stuck with the very people who caused it.

I have spoken to many people in my life who describe feeling like orphans, despite having parents. These individuals have endured neglect, deficient parenting, and various forms of abuse. Some of them even argue that certain individuals should never become parents in the first place. I deeply admire those who openly admit that they do not want to have children to spare them from inheriting or experiencing trauma. It shows their recognition of the flaws within the current system.

Occasionally, my mother has expressed her wish that she had never been born when overwhelmed by life’s challenges. It’s an unsettling sentiment, but it’s a rare occasion where we find common ground. These conversations may not be healthy, but then again, mentally or emotionally healthy individuals did not raise us, nor did we grow up in a safe environment.

I even had to tell my mother that she doesn’t have to forgive anyone, but she should acknowledge that our entire bloodline is dysfunctional. This dysfunction stems from centuries of accumulated issues and challenges. However, it doesn’t mean that we must subject ourselves to toxicity any longer. Instead, let’s wish them well and distance ourselves from the negativity.

Of course, there are some individuals who choose to believe in forgiveness as a virtue and expose themselves to a lot of nonsense, even when they have the means to separate themselves from it. On the other hand, there are those of us who don’t have that luxury and must find a way to survive by any means necessary.

As for me, I cannot bring myself to forgive anyone for their actions. I simply acknowledge that we are all products of the accumulated nonsense that has plagued our bloodline and society. However, it is crucial that actions are held accountable and not excused.

I once had a friend who desired her parents to take responsibility for their actions. I had to explain to her it’s highly unlikely that she will ever receive that accountability from them, and the same may be true for the rest of us. The individuals who have caused harm would first have to acknowledge to themselves that they have done something truly terrible that has hurt us. Unfortunately, I doubt their ego will allow them to do so, as it would mean they would have to confront their own flaws and potentially view themselves as less than good people, especially if they hold that belief about themselves.

Hence, I concur that forgiveness may not be the most effective approach in life. As he remarked, “It’s courageous of you to choose not to forgive,” and I fully agree. This is true when you have been raised to believe that forgiveness is an empowering act, when in reality, I have never experienced a sense of empowerment or liberation when uttering the words, “I forgive you.” Instead, I would much prefer to witness individuals taking proactive steps to improve themselves as human beings, without expecting my forgiveness. Merely recognizing their struggles and acknowledging that they have personal issues to overcome would suffice.

Thank you!

#lgbt author #lgbtq community #life blogging #writers on tumblr #healing journey #healing from trauma #healing from abuse #bad parenting #generational trauma #family drama #walking away

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jjunhui · 2 years

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hello, my loves! today marks 2 months since i began creating gifs (and the occasional gfx) on tumblr and i also reached an incredible milestone last night; 500 followers! i cannot help but feel extremely honored and appreciative of every single one of my followers and mutuals. it shocks me that i've grown and improved so quickly as a content creator, and especially that there are so many people who are willing to come on board with me to support me and observe my growth. i cannot express my gratitude enough. ♡

unfortunately, i am tremendously busy and cannot find the time outside of weekends to do anything fun to celebrate :( but at the very least, i wanted to take the time to come and thank some very special people who have contributed so much to my account's growth and to my improvement as a cc

first, some of my darling mutuals — ;

@dokyeomblr miss elv, ily! my very first mutual and one of the kindest, most pleasant people i have ever met. you never fail to make me smile with your tags and comments <3 i have admired you for so long and am so honored to be your friend and moot

@97chwe tris, who is such an inspiration to me and so very talented, who i have been in awe of for the longest; whose tracking tag i will spam endlessly and whose support i will always appreciate so genuinely

@caratonce isai, one of my first mutuals and my caratblr server buddy (we joined almost simultaneously and your familiarity was so helpful to my anxious self), i love u sm. your personality is phenomenal and your work follows. im so happy to know you and call you a friend

@soonhoonsol chey, who so consistently reblogs my content and always has the sweetest things to say. i looked up to you prior to joining as a cc and i feel so lucky to be your moot!

@jminwook bbie, one of my newer mutuals and another victim of my tracking tag spamming, who is so very supportive and so sweet

@junranghae noa, my milestone buddy (congrats again!!0 and fellow huihui! i appreciate you so much, you are so dope and always so supportive of my content! it doesn't go unnoticed at all, thank you.

@junkwan jenna, my evil twin (or am i the evil one?) — i miss seeing u around the server! you are so fun to be around and i love being ur mutual and ur friend!

@aceofvernons xan, who is normal by no stretch of the imagination yet kind and supportive of their friends on a level that is incomparable. i truly appreciate you

@wonublr & @knnovations lee and mars, creators with truly mind-blowing skill and talent... who i would still be screenshotting without the help of. i owe you guys so much credit and appreciation <3

other mutuals who i thoroughly appreciate — ;

and of course, all of my caratblr server friends!

i would also like to say a quick thank you to the following people:

@melanielogs for being a phenomenal friend, for being one of my first followers, and for always believing in me and encouraging me when i didn't believe in myself and wanted to give up.

@taetheists for always listening to my ratio woes and helping me out even if i didn't request it. and yknow.. for letting me use ur photoshop. you're a good friend ♡

and,

@woozi because though i've already told you this, the fact that you so consistently engage with my content and boost it means so much to me. i don't think it's an understatement to say i owe a lot of my success here to you. and what i appreciate more than anything is that you haven't just been supportive of my works since i got good — you were right at the front of the line reblogging my grainy 'i got a free trial of photoshop, lemme mess around' gifsets. it really, truly means a lot to me and I hope you know I will always be grateful.

and with that, I'm done because this is starting to get a little Oscar's acceptance speech-y of me. thank you all so much, i hope that this is just the beginning and that i will be around to be annoying on your dash for a long time to come. ♡

#milestones.

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chai-hat-tea · 1 year

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2022 Evaluation of my Fics

I was tagged by the nicest people @beardyboyzx and @thinlinez to answer a bunch of fic questions. Here goes nothing:

1. Number of stories posted to AO3 this year: 9

2. Word count posted for the year: 55,469

3. Fandoms I wrote for: One Direction

4. Pairings: Larry and Ziam

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: Stranger Coffees

Bookmarks: Stranger Coffees

Comments: Up until now it was Stranger Coffees, but @thinlinez swooped in and changed it to I'm Weaker Without You

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

I like to think it's the latest fic I wrote (I'm Weaker Without You), but I genuinely can't choose. Maybe each story of mine has different reasons attached for my being proud of them. But yeah, even if they suck, I'm proud of all of my fics <3 but I admit I have a very soft spot for My Light and Fix You. They were the most thought-provoking or had the most character development of sorts and I love that.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):

Hahaha on a normal day, I can't bring myself to read any of my works because I hate what I've written and can see it could've been so much better than what I've done, so again, I can't choose (yes I'm a terrible decision maker).

8. Share or describe a favourite review you received:

@thinlinez literally made my year by commenting on every chapter of I'm Weaker Without You and letting me know what they think! I was so nervous about this fic because I wrote just over 30k words in a little over 3 weeks and my brain was so fried, I was worried people would find my story pretentious or "trying too hard". Each comment from them was a godsend. :')

And I received comments from @beardyboyzx and @cigsandchampagnethat helped me get better and have faith in my writing, especially when I was at my lowest.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I think writing in general has been really hard for me, especially fanfiction writing because 1) I've never done any story writing before this, and 2) I didn't think I could write any romance. But this month has been the hardest for me. To write 2 stories at the same time with life happening was just wild. I feel so drained out physically and mentally.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I think it would be the first smut scene I ever wrote. I didn't think I had it in me, but I managed to, even if it was really lame.

11. A favourite excerpt of your writing:

It's not a favourite per se, but I love the tenderness of it:

“Where are you lost, jaan?” Hands wrap around Liam’s frame as he’s gently brought back to the present. He feels a soft kiss on his temple as he takes a deep breath in.

He turns back around to see Zayn smiling at him. He smilingly lifts his head up, Zayn leaning down to kiss him on the mouth.

“Nowhere, mon amour. Was thinking back to the times when I should’ve realised I’m not into girls.” Liam laughs.

Zayn makes a sound. “It’s okay, you were so young. You couldn’t have known, especially because you were around such homophobic people.”

Liam sighs. “I know it was bad, but honestly? I wouldn’t change anything about it. Because all of that led me to you, my dear husband. I would go through all of that and more, if it means I’m with you.” Zayn just kisses him.

Every first with Zayn has been one blissful moment after another. They’ve been through so much together, and he knows it only made them stronger, and more certain in their love for each other.

Zayn opened his studio and handed Liam his heart when he showed Liam his art for the first time. Liam hasn’t dropped it since.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I just grew haha!! I began writing, and that for me is the biggest growth. I know I have soooo much to learn in the world of writing, but I got over my fear to begin, and that in itself is a major growth for me :)

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

I just want to keep writing and have faith that I'm doing well. I just want to improve and get better in any way I can, because writing has been my best outlet and escape.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Comments from @thinlinez, and my friends @beardyboyzxand @cigsandchampagne. Every author in this fandom is a godsend, and I aspire to be half as amazing as all of you.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

A bunch actually. The Mane Man was based on me going to a salon (minus all the romance of it) and Fix You is very very very personal.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I'm a baby writer, I'm the last person to be able to give any advice!! But one thing I would say is - WRITE. Write everything you can think of, and read even more than that. Read every genre, every book that you can get your hands on, and talk to fellow writers. You'll learn SO MUCH.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I have a few ideas in mind, but nothing really concrete. I am considering taking part in more fic fests, so that it motivates me to write plot driven fics instead of just one-shots.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

I would tag...@twopoppies, @indiaalphawhiskey, @greenfeelings...gosh so many authors I can think of (God these people know I exist now...yikes!! I'm a big big big fan by the way <3)

EDIT - I’m going to be courageous because today seems to be a good day, and tag EVERY author I can remember. @taggiecb @lululawrence @justalarryblog @wabadabadaba @allwaswell16 @jaerie @sadaveniren @beelou @fallinglikethis @panye @phd-mama @hearyouhowling @neondiamond @kingsofeverything @cherrystreet @disgruntledkittenface @crinkle-eyed-boo @marchessa @jacaranda-bloom @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @jishlerfics @tommokat @zanniscaramouche @thedevilinmybrain @isthatyoularry @mizzwilde @londonfoginacup @mercurial-madhouse @wicked-archer @alivingfire @mediawhorefics and members of @writerscornercafe that I’m clearly forgetting and I’m forgetting many or I don’t know their tumblr urls so yeah

#tag game

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bitter-sweet-coffee · 4 months

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Hi, it's the Anon who sent you the ask that used Jewel the Beetle and talked about maturity levels and called you a pedophile.

So; I wanted to apologize for writing all of that to you and that you had to read that. I've spent a lot of time thinking about that ask since I sent it to you, and I'm not sure if you even remember it, but I felt like I needed to apologize because that was completely out of left field and I never should have written it in the first place. We don't even know anything about each other. I never want to treat a stranger that way ever again and I'm sorry that I had to make you read something like that to realize that about myself.

I'm not asking for forgiveness or anything like that; I just wanted to let you know that I'm genuinely sorry for what I wrote. I hope you have a good day and an amazing life.

Anon! what a lovely lovely message hold on I’m going to unpack this for a second, but I encourage everyone to try and read through this too

For starters, I don’t remember the Jewel ask (maybe tumblr ate it lol) but maybe you mean one of the *other* anon asks where I’ve been called a pedo because if I had a nickel… well, we all know the joke. Not that I need to spell put “I’m not a pedo” on tumblr dot com, but it should be noted that even IF someone is to ship minors with adults in fiction, that doesn’t make them a pedo. I’m not proship nor do I even do this, but it should be pretty clear that cartoon animals are not actual victims, but I’ll pocket this discussion for another time, with the moral being “do not call someone a pedophile unless you have proof they are engaging in sexual behaviour with real living children.”

But… you know this anon. And with absolutely no sarcasm and 100% authentic compassion I want to thank you for this message, and if it’s okay, I’m going to turn it into a bit of a lesson.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING. APOLOGIES ARE A GOOD THING!!!

I know it’s sometimes scary or difficult to reach out to someone and apologize, even anonymously, but not only will you feel better, it’s also a marker of you improving as a person. It takes a lot of courage, reflection, and personal growth to not only admit you acted cruelly, but to actively try and better yourself. And this is amazing!!!

This message is genuinely so thoughtful and has positively impacted my day. I even briefly got a laugh out of it because I genuinely did not remember this and was like “haha, is this from the Shadow is not 15 discourse or the whore-joke fiasco!?” because yes those are both real lol.

Anyways, all jokes aside I DO appreciate you reaching out and feel free to PM off-anon if you wanna chat about it because you sound wonderful, anon! I’m so proud of you for this (not in a condescending way, like fr) and I wish that more people online has this level of empathy and self reflection.

At the end of the day, we are on the QUEER AUTISTIC FURRY WEBSITE, IN THE SILLY GAY ANIMAL FANDOM. WE SHOULD ALL HOLD HANDS AND MAKE JOKES TOGETHER, PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH <3

#bsc anons #bsc <3 #<- new tag hehe #i liked this so much i had to make a new category of post LOL

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jerzwriter · 1 year

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This isn't hate but I am curious about why all your LIs are such marshmallows. I've read OH and WTD. Ethan, Tobias and Eli all come across as darker, brooding characters. I'm genuinely curious how you came to such a different conclusion.

Hey Nonny,

You know whenever I see "This isn't hate, but..." I'm triggered. lol The most hateful shit I've ever seen (for myself and others) tends to start with those very words. However, I don't take your ask as hate, but we seem to have differing opinions - which is fine in my book. We definitely have a different take on the three characters in canon.

When it comes to Tobias, we don't know much about him at all. That's one of the things I love about the character, we can take the little we have and make him our own. But, the very last thing I would ever call Tobias is dark or brooding. He was kind of the opposite of dark and brooding as far as I could see. He was very charismatic, he was a flirt, and he loved to bust balls (especially if they were Ethan's). He was boisterous and, to me, seemed bigger than life, the life of the party type. That's the polar opposite of dark and brooding to me.

He is romantic - but I think he was romantic even before Casey - it was just part of his "smooth" schtick, and it wasn't always sincere. With Casey, the first woman he ever truly loved, it all comes from the most genuine place, but it was who he always was. I've always said I see Tobias as "Go big or go home" with everything he does, and being in love... he is all in and not afraid to show it.

With Ethan and Eli, I can see the dark and brooding, but there was more to them - even in the limited character development world that is Pixelberry.

With Eli, I don't think we met the "true" Eli. We met a man who endured extreme trauma and spent three years in solitude attempting to cope. I never bought the lone wolf act. If he were truly a lone wolf, he wouldn't have joined the group. He wouldn't care about anyone or Olympus. If he was truly a lone wolf, he wouldn't have gone from an island to "the way I feel with you is worth any risk" in the space of a month. Now, do I think Eli is like Tobias or Troy underneath it all, no, I don't. But I think there is a much softer, more relaxed version of Eli. Through his interactions with his new found "family", and especially through his love with Zoe, in my HC, we will come to see the true Eli, who he was before the world and its cruelty changed him. I think he'll warm up with all, but he'll still keep up a wall with most. Only those closest to him will see his truly softer side.

Ethan is similar, but maybe on a lesser scale. Sure, being abandoned by one's parent sucks and leaves damage (I speak from personal experience), but it pales in comparison to what Eli endured. Still, it altered who Ethan was. There are acts in our lives that are so impactful, in good or bad ways, that leave us, different people. The version of us before and after these events bear some similarities, but they are diametrically changed. For Ethan, I think Louie's leaving was one such event. I think the end of his friendship with Tobias was another.

Unlike Eli, I think the Ethan we meet IS Ethan, and I don't think I change his overall personality. He remains sarcastic, he remains a wiseass. In some ways, he remains dull and a bit too old for his age. But he softens, he gets in touch with another side of himself when he learns to love and learns to trust, and that is through his relationship with Kaycee. I should point out, I don't think it's through Kaycee alone, I think it was an amalgamation... Dolores, Alan, Naveen... they were all people who always kept him grounded and tied to that gentler side, just a bit. But falling in love with Kaycee helped him expose a more vulnerable side of himself that he buried because he was too afraid to let it show. Did it change him as a person? No. Did it improve him and make him a happier man overall? Yep. It's called growth, and it's a good thing when it happens.

Now, with Ethan... there is a marshmallow period... and that's when Emma is born. Kaycee was a life-changing event for him, Emma was life-changing on speed. But, the whole world doesn't get that Ethan, that's pretty much limited for his little girl, his wife, and those closest to them will get glimpses of it as well.

Thanks for the ask!

#ethan ramsey #tobias carrick #eli sipes #my marshmallows? lol #I don't know i have to think of what food describes them better #not marshmallows #asks answered

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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I can definitely see myself being 6w7 because it’s evident in many actions I’ve taken in my life. I relate hardcore to the thing you said about being seen as a troublemaker because we tend to go against the grain because we are genuinely in search of the truth even when it may seem like we’re just trying to stir things up.

I assume you've checked the 6w7 tag here on Funky tumblr and read my lengthy description? It might help you decide about 6 for sure. I've heard from various other 6w7s that it's accurate to their experience (for the most part).

[...] I'm trying to figure out my social stacking.

To be honest, I think you might be so/sp. You place an awful lot of emphasis on how you are being seen, how you want others to think about you, finding the 'correct' way to be (which speaks to social), not wanting to be seen as a nerd, etc. You wouldn't care what people thought of you if you were soc-blind; so much focus on presentation, curating how you are seen, how you are being received... it seems like an over-focus, which happens with your dominant instinct, whereas your sp stuff just seems like "yeah, I do these things to be healthy and seem attractive to appeal to significant others" -- it seems less neurotic for you, and just a mater of course (sp-second).

the people who aren’t 6s aren’t focused on these things like I am and I don’t really know any 6s in my personal circle.

You might be surprised. There's way more 6s around than you think.

I also have phases that I can get obsessively into before dropping it (crystals, yoga, essential oils, Kpop), which might indicate sx.

I would say that's EP behaviors.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder why do I even care about getting my personality right to a T when other people don’t even care?

They are obsessing about something else; what they care about is not more important than what matters to you, and vice versa. That is just being a human being and having passionate interests.

Is my personality type really that important?

I would say so, in that it gives you a window into yourself, but also teaches you about how others think and that allows you to be more tolerant of people who are different from you, as well as to admit to your blind spots. But if I am being completely honest, I would say your MBTI type isn't as important as your Enneagram type. That's where real personal growth and development lies, so if you only get obsessed with one of them, choose the path of self-knowledge.

Even when I do get it down to a T someday, will all that time and effort spent figuring it out be worth it?

That's for you to decide. How else would you spend this time? If you feel it's taking away from your life, let it go. If you would just spend your time 'wastefully' on something else, maybe you should keep it.

Where should I go from here once I have it figured out?

Toward growth and self-understanding and self-improvement.

What if I don’t like my personality because it’s uncool?

There is no cool or uncool personality types. They all possess awesome things about them and crappy things about them. In the real world, nobody cares what your type is except fellow MBTI nerds, but it will be an asset to you in choosing where to focus your energy, knowing what jobs would appeal to you based on your strengths, and learning how to compensate for your inferior function.

Also, being a typology nerd won’t be cool to others especially not the ESFP 7s I want to attract, and I want to start picking up other hobbies besides typology and diet because of how niche this hobby is.

Sounds like you're kind of frustrated with it, and maybe it's time to develop some hands-on interests and hobbies. Go for it! Live to the fullest. None of us know how much time we have left and if this isn't doing it for you, there's many other things to explore.

And I don’t even really like talking about typology with people who are familiar with it because their understanding tends to be surface-level and stereotypical and I don’t want to come off as some geek or nerd who knows a lot about it.

Why not? Isn't it a way to connect to other people and deepen their knowledge? Where's your Ne-dom desire to SHARE discoveries? ;)

(You said you felt drawn to ESFP as well and typed as that initially; maybe you should dig into that, spend some time reading my type profiles and/or my book, and consider whether that was closer to the truth. I feel like you might not be that into abstract theories, so it's entirely possible that you COULD be a Se-dom who doesn't see the practical application of this, who feels like they ought to be in the real world, and who wants to get out there and make things happen, rather than endlessly cycle around "what type am I?"

Being a 6 makes me conscious of this and make me not want to be known as the MBTI/personality nerd or whatever.

I don't really think of this as being 6-related. Or at least, not in an ENP sense. For me, as a 6w7 ENFP "nerd," personality typing gives me an abstract way to make sense of people and their decisions -- decisions which, as a 6, never made sense to me, because I saw them as short-sighted, or driven only for pleasure, or they made no sense to me as a Fi type. I embraced these theoretical concepts because they brought me understanding -- at last, I could GET people without needing to touch them physically or pick their brains. Now I had an answer to the million questions I have about humanity and individualism. Most "nerds" are N types, because we want to discuss the psychology of people more than we necessarily want to be around them. I have a bad little habit of seeing a lot of casual acquaintances in my life as further sources of information to build up a data bank of "examples of XYZ type combinations." ("Gee, I wish I knew another 2 so I could pinpoint 2-ness as more than a concept or as tied to this person...") Being a nerd of this stuff brings people to me, rather than forcing me to go out and find them. I don't care about being seen as a nerd, because it's gonna attract other nerds to me -- and what I want to talk about... is this. Personality typing, Enneagram stuff, psychology, philosophy, stories, all abstract things. As a head type, I care more about making sense of the world and the people in it than I care about what others think of me.

I’m not really afraid of showing off in and of itself but what I’m scared of is whatever I’m showing off not being cool or desirable to others.

You do seem highly image-focused, so 3 very well may be your core.

Also, I guess the thing about type 6 I don’t relate to is being self-deprecating. I don’t relate to self-deprecating at all because I don’t want to highlight my insecurities to others and put a spotlight on them. I don’t really know how to explain this, but I don’t want to let other people see my flaws so I tend not to let people super close into my life even if it meant they could see my skills too.

That's totally 3.

The reason 6s self-deprecate is that we're telling you that you and I, we are pretty much on the same level -- so I am no threat to you. You don't need to fear me, and that means I don't need to fear you. This is a normal human being right here, being hilarious and making you laugh about this absurd thing that happened to me today. We are up front a lot of the time, because... why not be honest? Humans are flawed. We make mistakes. It's embarrassing (and I would never self-deprecate about something I am truly humiliated about), but it happens to everybody. Also, in less secure 6s, they project their insecurities onto other people and then want to "get there first." So if I secretly fear that you think I might be incompetent, I may assume you will find me incompetent for this dumb thing I just did, so I will call it dumb before you can, so I can take "possession" of the criticism and you can't hurt me.

I also think it’s easier to tell people I’m a 6 and not a 3 because the description of a 3 and its traits is ambitious and charming on the Enneagram Institute, so I feel like people would expect me to be cooler than I am.

Do you notice how many times you mention "people"? And image? And how you want to be cool? And not a nerd? This is image management and image core. It's all about how you are being seen and perceived and whether people are seeing what you want them to see, and assuming you are not "good enough" to be a 3, which is the most 3 thing of all. I would say social 3 is accurate.

I had an ESFP 3 friend for many years, and she was neurotically obsessed with making sure people didn't think she was a hillbilly because she came from Tennessee. As a 6, I just laughed and said, "You should make a joke about it and clear the air with that first," which... she did not understand. Rather like you and the "I am NOT A NERD" positioning, whereas I would just crack a joke about hillbillies, make everyone laugh, and go on about my day.

I guess my question is if you had to type my MBTI, Enneagram, and subtype, how would you type it?

3w2 so/sp ESTP.

#question #mbti #enneagram #enneagram 3

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hazzabeeforlou · 1 year

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Hi, I’m Toni.

Got a slew of new followers and I’ve been almost inactive the last half a year (at least) so wanted to do an update/intro so you know who I am LOL and so my long suffering fandom besties know what the fuck’s been going on (if anyone still cares rip sorry it’s been forever)

Currently writing this from my sick bed of ear cellulitis? That I got from wearing my mask? It would literally only happen to me. Had to go to urgent care and get a butt shot of antibiotics so it didn’t, you know, spread to my bloodstream :)

Anyways I say that to say that I probably got sick in the first place because I’m incredibly run down right now. The classical music world (im a professional musician) FINALLY opened up again, and to meet gig demands I only work my pandemic retail job once a week. I have been traveling the last four weekends in a ROW, which, due to my chronic pain (which has seen SOME improvement over the last year!!) makes me super duper exhausted and I have to admit tik tok has been getting most of my brain numbing time.

Life post-happy drugs has been tough. I’ve seen improvement in the areas I wanted to, physically, but mentally god. Drugs were nice. Anywho, I’ve done a ton of witchy/ancestral connecting/herbalist kinda things the last six months, and I now have an alter and a spiritual practice that has really brought me a lot of growth and meaning. It’s hard healing from your past when you’re still living IN it… and there’s no improvement with my parents. They’re still homophobic as hell and Republican as fuck, despite screaming matches. The threats of physical violence prevent me from confronting my dad any further. I’ve kind of given up hoping they will ever change.

It’s funny though, I would classify this year as the year I started to “feel” things, and of course that happened physically post the drugs, but also emotionally once I started to let myself FEEL emotions, god what a train wreck. Who knew humans could CRY so much? That emotional revelation led to the probably overdue realization that I’m likely Autistic and high masking, and have been suffering from that classic 30’s wall that “gifted girl high masking autistic children” eventually hit wherein they are no longer able to just push through and ignore. That’s been tough.

Writing has always been how I process and understand emotions, and now that I’ve started to actually FEEL them, it hasn’t become as essential to my functioning as it had been the last six or so years. I miss it, and I plan on finishing all my projects I left behind… as I’ve said many time The Garden part 3 IS coming I promise lol. But! Hopefully. And no promises. But I have the most delightful Christmas fic tucked into my head that I would love to publish this year, if I can find the time to get it on paper.

Okay as for fandom… I did a “growth thing” earlier this year and deleted all the bbygate stuff I’d been saving for the inevitable end. I just can’t anymore. All the photoshop, the blatant exploitation of it all… yeah I think the best option is just not to care. If they’re gonna drag this out for the rest of my life then I’m going to ignore the shit out of it. Speaking of ignoring, I also noped out of the H and O nonsense. God. What a MESS. I liked HH, truly, but the fave for me was Matilda. To be honest with you all, I listened until I grew naturally full of the album and I moved on with my life, it wasn’t world changing to me the way FL was. HOWEVER. FITF? Lord save me i didn’t even know it was coming out and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m fucking obsessed. I’m planning a MP. I genuinely think it’s Louis’ finest work and I can’t get enough of it. Every time I listen I like it MORE. I theorize it’s going to be a slow blooming album that smacks everyone’s expectations in the face. I’m so fucking proud of Louis. I bawled real ugly tears at Common People.

And lastly as always, I believe the boys were in love but I make no claims about their lives now. I enjoy the hints and speculation and love larrying along, but I think they’ve established these personas that are bulletproof to fan speculation these days, and I feel that’s how they truly want it. And that’s cool, won’t stop me from writing Larry because it was the truest gayest baby Star crossed lovers story out there and still makes the best fan fic.

Apologies for the novel but nice to meet you if you’re new HI I’M TRYING TO BE BACK to my old chums, and feel free as always to talk to me, my ask box is always open ❤️

#mine #personal #hiiiiii guys

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cosmicdreamt · 1 year

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Excerpt from Chapter 6: Solar Eclipse - The Tower and Justice

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 || Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 || Chapter 11

“What if I’ll never be good enough?”

“What do you mean by that?”

She takes a deep breath, feeling her body tense up. She tries to break out of it by reaching to take another sip of water but her body language is still so very stiff. The bottle is placed back down and hands are folded back neatly onto her lap.

“I mean…what if my efforts aren’t good enough? What if no matter how hard I try to be good, to be better, they’ll still leave.”

The silence in that moment is deafening. Neff had already felt her voice begin to trail off as she laid out that confession, embarrassment and anxiety filling her very core. She said the wrong thing, didn’t she? She was doing so well up until this point and now he was going to be so disappointed in her…

“Would those people be worth keeping around in your life?”

“....huh?”

“Let’s put it in a different perspective. Let’s say someone else was coming to you about these worries and concerns. This friend of yours has been trying their very best to improve themselves because they weren’t at all happy with the person they were in the past. They’ve genuinely been working hard to catch any bad habits they may be doing, making sure they apologize when in the wrong, being considerate of others, caring for them, and just all around have been putting in the effort above and beyond to be the best person they can. What would you tell them? Would you tell them to work harder? To do better? To sacrifice even more of themselves for the sake of other people? Or would you tell them that they’re doing just fine as they are and that the people who truly see their hard work will stay by their side? That their growth should be at no one’s pace but their own and the people that matter are the ones that won’t dispose of them for that. Is it safe to assume that by the type of person you are you’d tell them the latter?”

“I mean….yeah. I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel like that when I know they’re working so hard…”

“So why is it suddenly okay when you do that to yourself?”

“I…I don’t know. It just feels like everyone else is just better than me. They’re all more well put together, more talented, and have more to offer. It’s not that I don’t think I’m capable…I just feel like I’m the one that’s lacking.”

“Imposter syndrome. It’s an extremely common occurrence that everyone gets in their life. It’s something I even dealt with when I came into this field. There’s an exercise I’d like to suggest to you if that’s alright.”

Neff nods. Why would she ever say no to more advice on how to get pass all of this?

“Alright, here’s what I’d like you to try. Whenever you start feeling down about yourself I always want you to ask - ‘If someone I cared about were in this situation, would I be saying the same things I’m currently saying about myself?’. It’s very easy to get lost in this mindset that everyone else is allowed to make mistakes but that if you yourself don’t do everything right you’re a failure, especially those with lower self esteem. They consider themselves the exception to the rule as compensation for what they feel they’re lacking. They apply unnecessary expectations onto themselves that they wouldn’t others just because they feel they have more to prove. So, instead of focusing on the self, treat yourself like you would a friend. They say treat others the way you would like to be treated, but why not also treat yourself the way you would treat others?”

Neff will forever be baffled at how many new things she learns when visiting this man. He really knows and understands how to get through to her in a way that makes sense and she can only wonder what it is that he’s been through to be able to grasp something so well. Treating yourself the way you would treat others is the perfect way to explain to self-neglecting individuals how to take better care of themselves and Neff will absolutely be telling everyone she can about this as soon as the session is over.

“I mean….yeah. Yeah that sounds like something I can keep in mind and try to do.” Try being the keyword here. “This all makes sense in theory and really resonates with me and my beliefs…it’s just…sometimes it’s just impossible for me to do. I’m worried about those times where I may regress so badly I won’t be able to tell myself those affirmations.”

“None of that would be your fault. Unfortunately your brain likes to really work against itself sometimes, but it doesn’t mean you’re not putting in the work to try and stabilize it. Having those moments where you end up falling back don’t make you a failure. Were you ever taught to ride a bike or rollerblade when you were little? Or think about a baby learning to walk. How many times would one fall down in the process of learning how to keep themselves up? How many times would one fall down even after they could walk and run without any assistance? How many times do we trip and fall even as grown adults? But does it mean we still don’t know how to walk? Not at all. All those moments are little road bumps along the way.” He smiles. “Or do I have to make another nod to being an artist?”

She shakes her head, both stiffly yet jittery. No thank you. She’s good. She’ll do it herself.

“Like when I suddenly get artist’s block or can’t seem to draw some hands correctly. It’s not that I don’t know how to do my art, it’s just a minor setback or burnout.”

“Exactly. Did you know you could get burnout while recovering from trauma? Or even just attempting to improve your life. When you are working so hard against the ways your body normally works it gets tired the same way it would after physical labor. This is why self care is the most important part of the healing journey. If you’re still thinking you need to sacrifice yourself in order to be your ‘best’ self then it’s not recovering at all. Of course there will always be sacrifices in life, self care and self discipline coexist and should work together, but one also needs to realize the difference between self discipline and self destruction. Do you think it’s possible you’re in that type of burnout phase right now?”

She must look stupid with the way she’s sitting there, mouth barely agape and beginning to dissociate as she considers all his words. It’s always less that she’s trying to process it all and more that it always just makes so much sense she’s baffled and overloaded by the way things seem to click so instantly. He’s quick to notice and brings her back into the moment, her eyes blinking fast right after before taking a deep breath and nodding.

“Yeah. I think that may be the case. I think my train of thought keeps making me spiral because I think of how I can be a better person and what I need to do and then I worry that I won’t be able to do it enough or correctly or as well as others and it just keeps going from there. I don’t understand why I keep ending up so hyper focused on if there’s anything that only I can do when it’s not something I’d expect from others. Well, actually maybe I do know why I do that, because otherwise why would I be having therapy right now, right?”

He gives another smile.

“That’s true. Let me offer you a different way of thinking. Everyone on this earth can do a big portion of the same things. Everyone on this earth can also learn to do the things they cannot. Not one person can really do something only they can. Not when it comes to uniqueness and things never before seen in the world. Just like there is never a completely original thought or idea. However…” He gently waves the end of his pen towards her, making sure she knew this should have her undivided attention. “...when it comes down to the individual, literally everyone has things only they can do. Only they can breathe the air that keeps them alive, only they can speak the words from their mouths, and only they can take the actions they do. So with that said, Neff, only you can be you. Only you can be the one sitting right here in this time and place having this conversation with me that was meant for you. It’s a bit more abstract than my usual solutions, but I figure if anyone would be able to understand the meaning it would be you.”

That he would surely be correct about. She already felt the tears forming in her eyes as she heard such validation, trying to hold them back as much as possible. Turns out it wasn’t very possible at all and she’s uncertain if she should laugh or cry more at how casually he grabbed a nearby tissue box and slid it before her. It wasn’t the first time she’s cried during a session, but the counter of ‘days since last cried in therapy’ had now returned to zero at this point.

They sit in silence, or rather he sits in silence to let her get it out of her system. She always did feel better after a little cry, and especially after being told something she didn’t know just how much she really needed to hear. When she got home she was gonna have to lie down and take it real easy.

Only she could do that for herself, after all.

#⋡☆《drabbles》—how is a raven like a writing desk #[[ Just finished this chapter like....right now LMAO ]]#[[ and gonna get a head start on the next one tomorrow instead of waiting till next week ]]#[[ but depending on when I finish chapter 7 I may take a break the rest of the month ]]#[[ we shall SEE ]]

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