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cerastes · 3 years

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Nothing negative (it’s positive, if anything), just work (and life) related so under a cut so as to not clog the dash.

I am very, very lucky that my boss also happens to be my mentor. I understand the mentality of “your boss is not your friend” and I don’t invalidate the mindset, in fact, I think it’s a very wise mindset to have and one that ensures your safety, but I do think that different life experiences and no doubt a different culture breeds another conception and a different culture, I mean, I come from a small mining town, as I’ve mentioned before, everyone knew each other and the zeitgeist was very brutish but sincere: You do me wrong, I beat you up. You do us wrong, we beat you up.

It’s far from civilized and I am not saying this should be the norm everywhere, absolutely not, but... It worked for us, you know? Small communities have that sort of advantage, midst its endless pros and cons. No one that had the intention to really could afford to play dirty because everyone knew where each other lived, pretty much, bwahaha. Vivid memory from my teenage years, but someone once got wind that burglars were going to break into their house, so they called a ton of their friends, myself included, to lay in wait and beat the shit out of the burglars when they broke in. And we did. And the cops just laughed it off. Man, the more I think about it, the more I realize how brutish we were. I don’t have any regrets about that, though. Of course, it’s not all roses and laurels since small communities, again, have a lot of negatives to them. Anyways, I digress, the thing is, I consider myself fortunate that no boss of mine has ever been bad to me. I chalk it up to luck, context, and my personal qualities, but I’ve had productive experiences all around.

Which takes me back to the initial point: I’m thankful my mentor hired me and is my boss. What kind of boss sits down and makes a couple of videos to teach you and train you more on the job to do something you’re technically hired to do, and thus should find out how to do on your own? I don’t know, it’s kind of very moving, I said I have no bad experiences with bosses, right, but my life has been a series of “figure it out” and “sink or swim” situations, not to get grim, but I’ve had to kick my legs very damn hard to avoid sinking in the mud for years, only half exaggerating by alluding to the fact that it could’ve costed me my life had I not kicked hard and frequently enough. I can’t count on my hands the amount of times I’ve had to somehow figure something out or face dire consequences with no one to help me. Sure, it ingrained into me a strong sense of individuality and, eventually, confidence in my own abilities, but at the cost of other things I now have the maturity to admit I do not have. So to have a mentor/boss who goes out of his way to make videos on his own time to better explain something to me so I learn to properly do it and stuff, like, stuff worth money and time, acts and knowledge he definitely is under no obligation to bequeath unto me, I don’t know how to react, man, it’s foreign to me, it’s definitely not what I expected. It’s good, it feels good, I don’t know how else to put it, I’m extremely thankful, and it also puts into perspective, like, just what kind of life I had been living until 2020 that a gesture like this is enough to pull at my heartstrings. I’m not at all the type that needs or wants intimacy but god damn if stuff like this doesn’t pierce right through me, because it’s tangible, it goes beyond mere good wishes, and it’s fueled entirely by good intentions turned into something you can feel and grow from.

I’m just kind of overwhelmed by the turns my life has taken. I have no debt, I finished my major and magister’s without taking a loan, a combination of scholarship and frugality (because no fucking way I was going to get involved in student debt), endured a lifestyle that I hated with every last inch of my heart for years, rarely was able to get stuff for myself because education is expensive and I had to put most everything into it, struggled with suicidal depression and a number of attempts (as you can see, I was thankfully not successful, because I am unkillable and have too many lifebars), and one by one, those problems were destroyed by These Hands. I reverse order to the order I wrote them, in fact, now that I read back a little. If you take anything out of this, it is that your problems are, in fact, vulnerable to your efforts, and that you can and should kill them before they kill you. Things do get better. In any case, point is, I’m just shocked that life has become so... I don’t know, I’m just really enjoying it and I feel like good things have come my way. It’s not like 2020 was the year in which all became good suddenly, obviously, it’s just that, if you ask the me from 10 years ago, from 2011, when I was at my lowest, what’d they think I’d be doing 10 years from then, my answer would’ve been either dead or “I don’t know”, but that was also when I made the conscious decision to say fuck everything, this cannot go on, and to start fixing my trainwreck of a fucking life, bolt by bolt if I had to, so 10 Years Ago Me was actually cool as fuck, I think.

10 years later, I think I can say that I did a pretty good job.

But anyways, point is, it’s just weird to have a helping, teaching hand. It’s good, it just catches me the hell off guard. In a good way. It also puts me in checkmate in a way because if the help and care is provided out of nowhere, I don’t get the chance to polite decline it, bwahaha. Well, anyhow, lots of work needs to get done so I’ll get back to that now.

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meta-squash · 3 years

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Brick Club 1.4.1 “One Mother Meets Another”

This Book title really gets me. “To Trust Is Sometimes To Surrender.” Which, I don’t know, feels really helpless. And helpless in a way that could be prevented, too, if there had just been more questions asked or something, maybe. Probably not. But poor Fantine, and poor Cosette, being forced into trusting people who take advantage of everyone they see.

The first thing that we see of the Thenardiers is nothing at all to do with Fantine’s storyline, but everything to do with Marius’. The Sergeant Of Waterloo sign, with its bad painting (I love Hugo’s sassy “on which something was painted”).

But it’s not the sign that makes Fantine stop, but a huge cart with an enormous chain. The Robb biography says that the cart visual was something Hugo saw as a child while he was crossing the border at Saint-Jean-de-Luz while returning to France from Spain. The cart and its chain are symbolism of both an obstacle and a veiled threat. It “might have been mistaken for a giant gun-carriage” and is “crushing” and “hideous.” The way Hugo describes the mud coating the lower half of this cart makes it sound like it’s slowly being covered by a yellow disease. Also, this is the second instance of chain imagery in as many chapters. We also get more imagery of obstruction a few paragraphs later.

Hugo makes it really obvious that this cart is here as an obstruction, literally and figuratively. The figurative is twofold. It is metaphor for the obstruction that the Thenardiers become for Fantine, taking all of her money and lying about Cosette in order to do it, making it impossible for her to stay afloat at Montreuil-sur-Mer. He also uses it to critique the “old social order.”

“Why was this vehicle in this place on the street? First to obstruct the lane, and then to complete its work of rusting. In the old social order we find a host of institutions like this across our path in the full light of day, with no reasons for being there.” Hugo’s critique of the “old social order,” which I’m assuming is the empire.

There’s so much symbolism in the young Eponine and Azelma swinging on the chain. They are swung back and forth by their mother, a symbolism of their own future, akin to the image of Fantine as the horse. They’ll be tied to Mme Thenardier and used by her in the future. Not only that, but the chain is huge enough to be reminiscent of the chains of the bagne; prison is a constant threat to them once they reach Paris. “Above and around the delicate heads, steeped in joy and bathed in light, the gigantic hulk, black with rust and almost frightful with its tangled curves and sharp angles, curved like the mouth of a cave.” What intense symbolism for the darkness and struggle that awaits them in Paris in the future.

“A mother, seeing this frightful chain, had said, ‘Now there’s a toy for my children!’“ First of all this feels like a sassy critique of Mme Thenardier’s parenting decisions. But it’s also a hint at their poverty and debt despite the nice clothing. Instead of tying a rope to a branch or something, the decision to turn a huge hulking terrifying chain into a swing for two tiny children...it’s just a lot.

God, the drastic difference between Cosette’s description and Fantine’s description. Cosette is all beauty and light. She’s “charmingly rosy” She’s dressed in linen and lace. Fantine’s description begins with a question mark. “She was young--pretty?” In 1.3.3, Hugo specifically points out Fantine’s “fine teeth” and her long, blonde hair as points of her beauty. Here, she has her hair wrapped up in a tight cap fastened under her chin, and she never smiles. She looks upset and ill and hard-worked. Lines are forming on her face and her skin is calloused. From here on out her beauty is either a small physical remnant or is purely an inner beauty.

What’s the kerchief fold for invalids that Hugo talks about? Does anyone have an image of that? Also why would invalids fold a kerchief over their chest? Is it the blue kerchief specifically that’s used by invalids, not the fold style?

So if it was August last chapter, it’s June now. If it was December-ish (from the sunset at 4:30 thing) then it’s October. If they’re outside playing on a swing, it’s probably more likely that it’s June. Hugo really just does not care about telling us the time of year unless it is Symbolically Important.

The friendship between Fantine and the rest of the grisettes was tenuous at best, manipulative and cruel at worst. But Hugo implies that none of the other grisettes stayed together either. They “no longer had any reason to be friends” despite suffering the same let down--only the others expected it and Fantine didn’t. And the men probably not only remained friends long after, they probably also made connections and used each other to gain social points and climb the ladder.

“Led by her liaison with Tholomyes to disdain the simple work she knew how to do, she had neglected her opportunities; now they were all gone.” This makes me think that for the two years she was with Tholomyes, she wasn’t working and he was supporting her and the child? Is this how it would have been? Or perhaps she was working, but other, better, more steady opportunities came up and she didn’t take them because of Tholomyes. Either way, her relationship with Tholomyes has fucked her over so many different ways. She doesn’t have a job should could have had, she has a child she can’t take care of, and she has a broken heart.

It’s also a huge clue to how little Fantine seems to know about how any of these affairs work and what’s going to happen to her that “she had a vague feeling of being on the brink of danger, of slipping into the streets.” The other grisettes kept their affairs very shallow, probably because of how acutely aware they were of how much power these men had over their lives and what a mistake could cost them. It’s why the lack of a parting gift in the last chapter was a huge let down for them--they probably should have gotten something expensive to make up for all the lost hours of work--but not as huge as it was for Fantine, who had already made that mistake.

“One day, Fantine heard some old women saying as they saw her child ‘Do people ever take such children seriously? They only shrug their shoulders at them!’ Then she thought of Tholomyes, who shrugged his shoulders at his child, and who did not take this innocent creature seriously, and her heart turned dark at the place that had been his.” Such a short series of lines on such a heavy realization. This is one of the reasons the English lyrics to I Dreamed A Dream irritate me so much. Before she even leaves Paris, Fantine’s heart has hardened to Tholomyes. She doesn’t yearn for him at all; from that point on her focus and love is purely about her child. She’s also angry here. She gets the message at this point and she’s upset about it. There’s also the double meaning of “who did not take this innocent creature seriously.” This line could be about Cosette, but it could also easily be about Tholomyes’ treatment of Fantine for the past two years.

“She had made a mistake, but, deep down, we know she was modest and virtuous.” Okay, Hugo, but what about other women who make mistakes? Are they not modest and virtuous? If they’re not, do they get different treatment? Again, back to his weird arguments from 1.3.2, about how “poverty and coquetry are fatal counselors” and how fallen woman are different from modest women, but also it’s society’s fault that they’re bad. I don’t know, Hugo seems to be confused in his moral opinions when it comes to this stuff.

(The more I learn about his youth while reading this biography, the more this kind of stuff makes sense. The “fallen women are bad” seems to be the kind of opinion he had in his youth, and the “it’s a societal problem” is an elder Hugo opinion. The two thoughts are kind of duking it out in these descriptions of working women.)

“We will see that Fantine possessed a fierce courage.” We get Fantine’s strengths in pieces: she is wise in that she notices things other people don’t notice, she possesses a fierce courage, and she has her capacity to love Cosette completely and sacrifice everything for her. This is also the second time we get a description of her as “fierce,” the first being in 1.3.4. Fantine’s courage and specifically her fierceness come out even more later on. We get the impression that had she lived in better circumstances, she would have been a force to be reckoned with. Again, I’m still reading this Graham Robb biography of Hugo, but the descriptions of Fantine’s characteristics remind me of a sort of ragged description of what Hugo’s mother seemed to be like.

“The woman had nothing in the world but this child, and this child had nothing in the world but this woman.” This just made me really sad because when Fantine goes to Montreuil-sur-Mer, she will have nothing in the world but Cosette. But Cosette won’t even know she exists.

We then learn about the fate of Tholomyes, similar to that of Bamatabois. Hugo has such an interesting perspective on law and lawyers. His characters that go to law school and complete it are all rich assholes who use their power and connections for pleasure and to ruin the lives of those in classes beneath them. Those who don’t complete due to other personal circumstances (Bahorel, Bossuet) or due to death (most of Les Amis) are the opposite. I’m wondering if this is commentary on law in general. Knowing it academically but not falling into the comfort of taking advantage of it, by leaving it instead? We don’t know what happens to Marius after Valjean’s death but I wonder if he would keep his more generous nature or fall prey to the bourgeois/Ultra personalities that hover around Gillenormand.

“The presence of angels is a herald of paradise.” An interesting sentence and description considering the ominous descriptions of what they’re swinging on. There are just so many ominous signs here amidst all the beauty of children and sunlight. You just want to yank Fantine back and go “Wait! Stop! Pay attention! Look at all the badness!”

Mme Thenardier gets so many animalistic descriptions. M Thenardier is later, in Paris, described as a wolf. Mme Thenardier gets she-wolf then, as well as sow and tigress. Here she gets “that animal yet celestial expression peculiar to motherhood.” (An interesting description considering Fantine is also a mother, but her expressions are tender and passionate.) There’s also, “The most ferocious animals are disarmed by caresses to their young,” which is such an ominous sentence. Mme Thenardier’s cruelty is different from her husbands. His is greedy, hers is jealous. There’s also the moment where Hugo says “she sang between her teeth,” a visual that reminds me of a growl. So many threats in her description, and Fantine doesn’t notice any of them, because Mme Thenardier is sitting down, and that makes her less threatening. Plus her reading of trash romance novels makes her docile, relaxed and coy, which apparently hides this animal underneath.

“A person seated instead of standing: Fate hangs on just such a thread.” This is such a huge aspect in this book, summarized in such a short line. Time and place is so important in this novel, for everyone. So much of this novel is hinged on someone happening to be in the right place at the right time (or the wrong place at the wrong time) or happening to recognize someone, or happening to do or fail to do something that totally changes the course of everything around them.

What’s up with Cosette and flies? Here she’s digging a grave for a dead fly, and later she has a tiny lead sword that she uses to cut the heads off flies. Is this just a little kid characteristic that Hugo noticed in his own grandchildren and decided to include, or is this symbolism of some sort that I’m missing?

I’ve heard that Fantine (read: Hugo) gets from Euphrasie to Cosette from “Chosette” which means “little thing.” Is that true or is that just someone making stuff up? If it is true, I can’t help the amusing thought that Cosette’s name is then basically “Sproglet” but in French. Also the “Josefa into Pepita” is maybe a reference to Pepita, the Marquesa de Montehermoso, who Hugo met when he was about 10 and she about 16. I couldn’t find anything about Francoise into Sillette, except that Hugo’s own son was called Victor-Francois? And nothing at all on Theodore into Gnon.

The moment Cosette leaves Fantine’s arms to go play with the other girls, Fantine ceases to be Fantine and instead becomes “the mother.” She is “the mother” for the rest of the chapter. She loses her selfhood the moment she loses Cosette. From that moment on, to the Thenardier’s at least, she’s just the mother of this child they have to deal with, the mother that they can suck money from whenever they want.

“It would be odd if I left my child naked.” This is such a weird line. I feel like this goes in line with interpreting Fantine as autistic. The Thenardiers are asking pretty obvious leading questions about money and costs and then about clothes. But Fantine doesn’t pick up at all on the weirdness or the sinister nature of their questions; she just thinks it’s weird that they might assume she’d leave her child without clothes.

“You’ve build a good mousetrap with your little ones” “Without even knowing it.” The adult Thenardiers fall into this over and over again. Often opportunities fall into their lap when they’re least expecting it; they plan using the new knowledge (as with getting money for young Cosette or attempting to kidnap Valjean) or they just run with it (as with meeting Valjean in the sewers). Sometimes they plan things, like with M Thenardier’s letters attempting to garner fake charity or patronage. But most of the time it seems like they just wait for a random chance and then jump on it. Which seems far more successful than any of Thenardier’s business endeavors, which is maybe why he ended up in such debt in the first place.

This entire scene feels very fae, very evil trickster-like. A lure or trap (the children), a false reassurance (Mme Thenardier) and the real evil not revealing itself until much later (M Thenardier). You just want to call out to Fantine and warn her of the danger that she doesn’t see. But it’s all hidden in a fae glamour, making everything look sweet and safe and beautiful, and she doesn’t notice all the sinister, ominous things in the corner of the eye because everything else is so bright and angelic.

#les miserables #les miserables meta #brickclub #lm 1.4.1 #les mis #les mis meta #oh god it's so long i'm so sorry #this is my problem i am Too Verbose #especially for such mediocre observations but oh well i guess that's just how i am

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violetsystems · 3 years

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#personal

I met up with my mom New Year’s Eve to order Korean food for lunch. I spoke with my dad and his wife over the phone New Year’s Day. Beyond that, I don’t think anyone reached out on the phone. You usually get those texts. My personal phone number was absorbed by my job years ago for a work line. Since July nobody other than the jobs I’ve applied for have asked for my new phone number. I’ve traditionally been gloom and doom about everything. This year it’s a little hard not to get frustrated or annoyed. There’s been this constant performance going on around me. The neighbor in front keeps screaming and chanting repeatedly. They’re moving out next month. People keep standing in front of my favorite items in the grocery store. That’s probably just dumb luck. I go out into public and I catch people actively following me around. It’s gotten to be so obvious and amateur I wonder if it’s just meant to drive me crazy. That’s the only logic I’ve been able to see in it. People know too much about me even without me being on social media these days. And yet people can’t reach out and appreciate my life still being lived. The one thing I’ve grown accustomed to with New Year’s traditions is this “out with the old and in with the new” sentiment. It’s a great time to start fresh. I quit drinking one year and never looked back. This year I’m more focused on my accounting for my business rather than vices. I’ve set up a pretty boring schedule of incurring income for myself. Some of that is fun. I plan to release some more music monthly. Simply because people randomly buy the entire discography while I sleep. Everybody seems to know who I am but seems to feel cooler snubbing me. I just think it’s all a waste of time. It’s weird to have been stuck in place for so long and have people forget you are breathing. I’ve always been kind of a minimalist. I’ve thrown out more stuff than I can count over the last year. My entire office at my old job just went into the trash. I felt like this was some sort of message. I spent the last year deciphering hidden messages from people, places and things thinking they cared. It’s hard to process. Maybe they do through an extension of only caring about themselves. Maybe it’s twisted. Maybe I don’t deserve any of it. Maybe part of recovering and getting out of that environment is acting like I don’t. I think people have this serious hallucination that come spring everything will be great again. Even with a virus raging, half the population unvaccinated and the rich hoarding all the income. We’re all addicted to the Hope of it all. I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow. The probability that it does and what I plan around it requires some honest soul searching. And some internet searching too. Hope past tense is one of the worst words. I’d hoped we could have had more time. I’d hoped this would have turned out better. I’d hoped to have some friends to celebrate with. That’s just not how it is right now for me. Too many expectations for a doomsday scenario. I know it’s not convenient that half my life has slipped by while people pretended I am the invisible man. I hope you would have learned by now.

If I learned anything about the years progressing it is that things move forward. You can tell when they don’t. You grow and people get left behind. I’ve been growing for years. I’ve travelled around the world by myself. Adventures that haunt me when I’m bored. My mom bought over this book she bought me when I was a child. The title was simply “I’m bored mom.” It was true. There was a reason for it. But as a child you don’t really have much say or perspective. These days seeing the book on the shelf means a little more. I’m bored with settling for less from people who don’t work as hard as I do. I’m bored with people lying through their teeth and straining their eyes to hide it. I’m bored with people talking and never listening. I’m bored with people always making it about them and never seeing connection. I’m bored with people using you as a pawn in a game that you are expendable in. I’m bored with everyone thinking they have me all figured out and then stealing my best lines to impress their friends. I’m bored with thinking it’s cool to be forgotten about. I’m bored with thinking I’m not worth enough. Especially when I am completely out of debt for the first time in years and staying there. I’m bored with people never coming out of their shell to meet you eye to eye. I’m bored with people demanding I stoop to their level to relate when they have no intention of ever hearing me out and why I’m in pain. I’m boring with all this information being front and center for the algorithms to mash and dissect but nobody ever reaching a conclusion. I’m bored with people and their indecision that was never going anywhere in the first place. I’m bored with all the people who chose others over me and act like they made a great choice. I’m bored with the mediocrity that people accept when they listen to excuses instead of demanding quantifiable deeds and actions from a person first. The list could go on. It’s a lot of things to be bored with. The one thing I’m not bored with or frustrated with is myself. I’m actually quite proud of myself in a lot of ways. Everybody is scared to admit it because they fear losing that power over you. America is hellbent on comparing and contrasting everything for profit. It’s subconscious at this point. Value is defined by scarcity. Nobody can put in the good word. The art and people that get uplifted versus the auteurs that get ignored in silence. We’re told this is what was required of us to keep the country together. And yet everything is broken. You are told to hope for the best. To be patient for something that never comes. And you look around you and everything is piecemeal. Nobody compares to you. Everyone is embarrassed so much by the history of you they pretend you are dead. And in some ways I’m bored to death and have moved on mentally at least. I could have complained. I largely did from week to week. And maybe twenty people actually read these. I connected nonetheless over the years. I found a new path forward. I escaped boredom by putting the past behind me. And new starts are always exciting if you believe them to actually lead you to freedom. That can be hard to believe sitting in a worse place than you may have been the year prior.

Boredom is all about perspective. It’s not boring to have people follow you around and talk behind your back. It’s frustrating. And in some ways the last year has been the culmination of a lot of struggles I faced head on. The way they worked out may have not been completely how I planned. But I survived more or less with my own advice and planning. I could have hoped for the best. But the best would have been me listening to myself and acting on it without any real validation. And truth be told, I’m bored with all the fake validation society provides with ulterior motives. Matter of fact, I’m bored with people’s lack of conviction when it comes to what they want. It’s not sexy or cute to constantly string people along in mind games that circumvent their civil rights for marketing strategy. It’s not social justice at the expense of someone else’s freedom. What is very boring is the fact people have known me for years and can’t be bothered to do anything about it other than gossip or worse. You can be a victim of boredom all you want. Or you can try something new. When you try something new and the world gives you the finger every chance you get it can be frustrating. How are you supposed to alleviate this boredom when the world won’t acknowledge what makes you tick? Spend money? Go out and support small business? Join a discussion group on Facebook? I’m bored with the suggestion. I’m bored with the quality of people you support when you know I’m out here bleeding out. I’m bored with accepting the fact that anyone does anything productive other than talk and listen to themselves speak. It’s such a narcissistic vacuum we’ve created for ourselves. And we chain ourselves to the familiarity of it all because we’re scared. I have no luxury to be scared of anything. I’ve had it all taken away. I’ve had people stalk, hunt, and actively grief me in public for over a year if not more. And it ended in the most boring way. Alone. Meant to feel worthless so I get bored and give in to what people want from me. Whatever the fuck that is? I don’t know what anyone thinks about me because no one fucking talks to me. They stare and follow. They act like I’m some sort of celebrity and pretend I’m a piece of shit at the same time. I live alone in an apartment with crumbling floors and adopted animals. Everyone knows every little detail about me but no one can bother to text how I feel or how I am doing. And I am bored with accepting this is ok when people expect the world out of me every waking moment of the day. I’m bored with the lack of responsibility. I’m bored with the lack of accountability. I’m bored with everyone having room to talk but no room for six feet of social distancing. I’m bored with risking my life for a photo op. I’m bored with being a buzz word for people who can’t pay attention enough to know the underlying theory of it all. I’m bored making excuses for a year that hasn’t even delivered my coffee on time. I’m bored with thinking I’m the problem. And the one way to solve boredom is to give up on the past entirely and move on. Which is what it deserves mostly because it gave up on me a long time ago. <3 Tim

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