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fashion-runways · 7 months

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okay it's been over a year and i keep saying i'm going to make a new post and it's too exhausting to even think about the whole thing so i keep pushing it-- here's the link to the old post if you want a more detailed thing i wrote back then.

anyway, a year ago, out of the blue, our apartment got raided by the police, they broke our front door, they broke a bunch of shit inside, they took a bunch of our stuff, they barely gave us answers or an explanation, they took my dad and made it seem like he would have to sign some stuff and answer some questions and come back, but it's been over a year (since june 2022) and he hasn't come back, and his case is still up in the air. they're barely working on it. they didn't pay for all the shit they broke, they haven't returned all the shit they took, we had to spend a lot of money on that, i had to take a loan to buy a new computer so i could keep working and studying, on top of spending even more money on basic needs for my dad in jail and lawyers, plus blood pressure and anxiety medications, plus he's old and he was scheduled an eye surgery that he obviously couldn't go to so he's like, practically blind in one eye now, also new clothes for him to wear there (there's a bunch of rules for that), honestly i already lost track of how many things we had to pay for. it's been incredibly stressful and it still is even now that we've gotten used to it. he's been detained for a year for something that they still don't even know if he did and the case is barely moving, i don't know if they're like... i don't know, waiting for the man to die in there since he's already old so they don't have to admit they don't have enough proof for all the mess they made? i don't know. like i said back then, please don't ask me for details on the case or show up in my inbox trying to play tiktok true crime and guess what he did/didn't do. it happened a few times and it's extremely triggering, please don't. please.

this blog is basically my job. it's my primary source of income, i don't have anything else, no matter how many interviews i go to, in the country/city i live and in the state our economy is, if you don't have contacts it's impossible to get a job. i'm always signing up to free programs to learn new things while i don't have a job, try to make my cv bigger, but it doesn't matter. if you don't have someone saying “please hire my friend/family member” or you don't have 500 years of experience, they won't. so like i said, donations people make to this blog are how me and my mom (and my pets) stay afloat. it's what we use to pay for food, general groceries, transportation, electricity, wifi, water, gas, health insurance, stuff for my dad in jail, meds for my mom who has diabetes, food and meds for my pets. i don't go out much, i haven't gotten a haircut in a year, i barely spend money in anything that makes me happy except once in a blue moon when i stop feeling guilty lmao i had a redbubble account also that helped a little too, but last week it got suspended without an explanation as i was uploading new designs, so i don't even have that now. i made a new account on teepublic, but all my designs in high quality are locked behind redbubble and i can't even log into because of the suspension. it's... complicated, and it's a lot, but it is what it is.

i'm always keeping an eye out on new collections, new designers, new cool things. like i said, i love fashion, i studied fashion, and i know a lot of you use this blog as inspiration whether it's for yourselves or for your art, so i don't want to post all similar stuff all the time, i want to post all kinds of styles and brands as much as i can. which is why when i say if you like this blog, if you want to support me, sending even the smallest amount of money helps me keep going. living in latin america, the exchange rate is kind of insane, so truly any amount of money donated helps. unfortunately, i never stop needing money to survive and help keep my family afloat, but in the past year more than ever.

as usual, my kofi link is this one: https://ko-fi.com/fashionrunways and my (new) teepublic link is this one: https://www.teepublic.com/user/dinah-lance. if my redbubble account gets reinstated, i'll add that link eventually too. and as always, thanks for loving this blog and for loving fashion like i love fashion, even when i post crazy looking stuff, and thanks for helping. you have no idea how much your support helps, but it really does, i don't even know if i'd be alive right now if it wasn't for this blog.

#text posts #long post.

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2hoothoots · 9 days

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So I was going through your blog (again) and found some of your stuff mentions fsau Raz having ADHD, as somebody with adhd I’m intrigued, may I have some of those headcanons (canons??) related to that? Also, I would give “a penny for your thoughts” but I’m out of pennies, so here’s various images of a drawing of ur blorbo I put next to my animals, note that a rock had to be added in one picture to keep him from flying away (BONUS: his now permanent place with the wifi guardian frog)

NOTHING brings me more joy than seeing physical drawings of these guys, like, out and about. in situations. thank you for this gift, and ALSO for the great ask because it's a perfect chance to ramble

so first of all, canon Raz having ADHD is very real to me. he's constantly fidgeting and moving around, getting distracted by sidequests and scavenger hunt objectives, always talking to himself out loud, gotta write everything down so he remembers it because there's so much to DO!, running away from home because his dad yelled at him one time and now Raz assumes he must hate him forever... i could go on, but i think there's a lot of room for interpretation there!

in my headcanon, he never got diagnosed as a kid. maybe there were some notes about it in his reports each year, sure - but a little hyperactivity and distractability never seemed to slow him down. he excelled in lessons and on missions, and when he was with his family their performances gave him something to focus that energy into. it was only really when he turned 18 and graduated to a full agent that the cracks started to show.

because there's a big difference between the responsibilities you have as a minor, and the responsibilities you have as an 18-year-old living away from home! one who's expected to cook and clean for themselves, and take care of adult life stuff, and also work the 9-to-5 office job he's just graduated into that involves sitting in front of a computer and write reports all day.

short-term, he found he could get himself to power through a deadline with energy drinks and psi-pops (a lot of psi-pops...)

long-term, something had to give. he was working himself to exhaustion, constantly stressed, swinging between days spent staring at his computer screen doing nothing and all-nighters desperately trying to finish his paperwork before the deadline. it just didn't make any sense to him. he'd finally started his job as a Psychonaut, he was living independently like he'd always dreamed, he'd gotten top surgery after planning it for so long. he should have everything he ever wanted. why wasn't he happy?

following a deep post-surgical depression, about a month before his 19th birthday Raz was living out of his car, couch-surfing or sleeping in his office. he got kicked out of his apartment after falling behind on bills and rent. it wasn't that he didn't have the money, it was all just too much for him to stay on top of.

he'd probably have stayed in that misery hole for a lot longer if Frazie hadn't marched into his life and demanded he let her help him move into a new place, or she was telling mom that he was homeless. together, they sorted through all of his possessions from the last place - everything that had been hastily shoved in his car, or tossed in a box in his office, piled in a heap that was giving him anxiety even looking at it.

things do get better for him from there.

when he eventually explains things to Hollis, she gently suggests that he should get a roommate. he ends up moving in with Phoebe, and they become pretty good friends after a couple months! something about having another person around to help do the chores and wash the dishes and share the space helps, even if it takes him a while to admit it.

he gets his ADHD diagnosis, and finding the exact right medication and dose is a journey he's still on years later - but they're a huge help in getting him to actually knuckle down and finish his work on time. and the whole thing ends up being a chance for him to take a step back and really think about what he wants to do with his life. he'd always assumed that being a Psychonaut was his dream, but he'd never really reckoned with what that dream would look like before.

in the end, he sticks with it, but also decides to follow Lili's example in branching out. he applies to study a part-time Bachelor's in Psychology on a remote course, and gets accepted. juggling missions and paperwork and study and relationships (because the whole thing made him realise he also wasn't setting aside any time for himself, and wow, dating is a thing) is a lot - but he manages to figure it out, day by day.

(Lili comes back to the Psychonauts after graduating. she and Raz have both changed a lot over those four years, but on their first mission together they hit it off like a house on fire - and the rest is history!)

#psychonauts #future superstar agents au #i really want to go more into this period of their lives for all three of them honestly #Raz and Phoebe's friendship is really sweet to me and i'd like to explore it more #and Lili's adventures at college! finding herself in an environment where for the first time in her life people /don't/ know her family nam #and Dogen finally realising he /has/ a life to live ahead of him. that it's not just isolation and tests and pills that don't work #young adulthood is a weird time! lots of ups and downs #but they all make it through okay #fsau raz #fsau frazie #babyfaced 18-yo raz is so funny to me. why are you making him experience the horrors he's literally just a little guy #ask #ALSO your pets are all wonderful. please give them kisses from me

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solradguy · 9 months

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I hope this isn't too inappropriate a question, but I was wondering if you have any advice when it comes to binders? Like, I know a lot of the minutia, but are there any companies you recommend that make good ones? I'm new to the whole actually-doing-it part and I've found conflicting stuff so I though it was better to ask someone who went through that whole thing already. Tbh I don't know anything about your transition and you might not have even did much of that but you're like the main transguy I know

No worries at all!! I'm really comfortable talking about trans stuff and what I've had to do to get where I am, so if you have any other questions please don't hesitate to toss 'em my way and I'll do my best to help out. The only major trans stuff I haven't done yet are any surgeries and changing my name/legal gender marker (pain in the ass to do in Ohio....).

I got kinda lucky and don't really have much boob tissue going on so I don't bind very often, but I do have two GC2B binders: a full tank and a half one. The full one is a lot more comfortable, imo, because I can tuck it into my pants and it kinda like smooths my entire situation out instead of squishing just my upper body and chafing under my ribcage lol. Unfortunately, GC2B's binder quality has dropped BAD in the last 5 years or so. If you can get one for free or dirt cheap then it might be worth it, but otherwise I'd avoid them.

One of my other trans masc buddies has some binders from Underworks that he really likes. He used to have one of the GC2B ones and it got a huge hole right in the middle of it after less than a year... As far as I know, his Underworks ones are still holding up and it's been over two years now. He did say that they were pretty stiff when they first came in and that washing them with just a tiny bit of fabric softener helped. Be careful using too much fabric softener on them though or they'll loosen up maybe too far. Here's their site: https://www.underworks.com/tri-top-chest-binder

I've seen people say Shapeshifter's binders are good too, though I don't personally know anyone who has one by them. They're a lot more expensive than the Underworks binders.... Here's their site: https://shapeshifters.co/

Make sure you read the sizing charts!!! The very first binder I ever bought was WAAAAYYYYY too small because I didn't read the chart very well... I've found that following the chart and then going up one or two sizes fits the best, depending on how big your chest is/how much compression you'll need.

Here's a big spreadsheet document of a lot of other trans resources with comments on specific things for each site too, like where they're based, shipping details (if the packaging is discrete or not, etc), if they're a charity, and so on. There are other binder websites listed and sites for other gender affirming clothing and packers and stuff too: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1lSKoxVant40alYL-MZAP9QekUxjl3mH2EB3MidSk0b8/edit#gid=0

There's also this post with even more resources, but it might be a bit overwhelming going through it all right now haha Including it anyway just in case: https://solradguy.tumblr.com/post/719033735814742016

Good luck!! I hope you're able to find one that both fits and is comfortable to wear for long periods ^^

#asks #long post

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benevolenterrancy · 3 months

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Fic author interview!

Thanks for tagging me @morporkian-cryptid I'm taking a leaf out of your book and being a bit late responding, oops ;;; (also, like my last one, posting this on my art/writing blog despite getting tagged on my other blog :P)

@meso-mijali @rose-of-pollux @yarrayora @sorrel-scribbles @auxiliarydetective @pazithigallifreya

1 How many works do you have on AO3?

76!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

667,467 apparently, which feels like way more than I expected. Then again, I also didn't expect to have seventy six fics on there either...

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Lost In Translation (7,256 kudos) An Overwatch fic. I was baffled when it did as well as it did while I was actively posting it and frankly I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that it's still head and shoulders above every other fic I've written. I think it must be from people sorting by kudos and creating a weird positive feedback loop.

How To Torment Cats (And Witchers) (2,124 kudoes) A very light-hearted Witcher one-shot with Ciri and Dandelion

Standard-Issue (1,143 kudos) Another Overwatch fic, this one about McCree's recruitment into Overwatch

Sunlight and Sea Foam (1,102 kudos) A Witcher mermaid!au. This one I'm still pretty pleased with, it was a lot of fun to write.

Mark My Place (952 kudos) A post-canon MDZS fic in which I get to lavish love on Wei Wuxian! A pretty impressive kudo count given that it's only a few months old

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Generally I try to! I really appreciate getting comments and I want to let people know that <3 Fandom is the most fun when it's a community and the only way to get that is to actually connect with people. Also I personally appreciate it when an author responds to comments when a new chapter drops because it helps me keep track of fic updates, so I often do that too for on-going stories :3

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

I don't really go in for anything without a happy ending ^^;; Maybe In My Hands I Held The World purely because I didn't finish it and stopped writing in the middle of the all the hurt and never made it to the comfort? Or Promises Misconstrued just by virtue of it.... well, being what it is.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

We only believe in happy endings here!! I really couldn't narrow it down, I like a happy ending... The Celestial Shell Game was a pretty recent one MDZS fic that was just pure post-canon fix-it and reconciliation and lightly bullying the juniors

7. Do you write crossovers?

I do from time to time, but most aren't ever cleaned up or completed to the point of posting -- they're just Fun For Me fics.

My only completed crossover is a Torchwood/MASH fic called An Officer's Guide to Surgery, Shelling & Pterosaurs. It was honestly just a wild ride to write. Very proud of how that one turned out

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A bit, but not for years. The only one I specifically remember was someone who was very unhappy that I wasn't including individual chapter content warnings, I guess because they've never read a novel?

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not often, I am Very Ace, but it does happen occasionally. Bound and Held was my most recent one, which was really just 20k of pure kink exploration because Geralt and Dandelion just have the vibe

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so...

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

One! An old Les Mis fic got translated into Chinese years back :3 that was very flattering that someone would want to go to that amount of effort

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Me and @meso-mijali will co-write stuff from time to time, but nothing that's ever made it to completion. I do use her relentlessly to help me solve plot dilemmas (or make new plot dilemmas, depending on how things are going)

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Could not tell you, 100% depends on sort of mood I'm in sorry xD I bounce all over the place. At the moment I am deeply into wangxian, to the surprise of no one following me on tumblr at the moment

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Well, any of my three current fics I'd love to make some progress on >:/ but I'm still hopeful about getting them finished, albeit slowly and painfully. I have a Hogan's Heroes dating sim that me and @meso-mijali have been working on but the longer it goes undone the more I suspect it never will be *sigh* it took so much planning but it's hard to pick up again in the middle. I also had a Lupin soulmate au called Mosiac that I feel bad about dropping. I still quite like the concept but I'm stuck on where to go next with it...

15. What are your writing strengths?

Uhh... I dunno, there must be something because people seem to enjoy my work well enough but I'll be damned if I know what it is. I think I write high intensity, sensory-based scenes pretty well? At least I like doing them a lot. And I get complimented on my character voices sometimes, so hopefully that!

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Pacing >:/ I will ramble and ramble and ramble and then need to go back and cull things until I have a fic that's even halfway readable. It's so hard to get good pacing down.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Big fan, I'm always here for a bilingual bonus. Either I understand it and get a little thrill out of it or else I just google translate it real quick. As for me writing it I generally don't because I don't want to fuck it up beyond reason... sometimes I might dabble with French if it's character appropriate.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Les Mis! I'm too terrified to reread anything from my Les Mis era because god only knows what my writing was like back then, but it was such a warm and welcoming fandom it's what finally gave me the nerve to starting engaging in fandom space as more than observer

19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

...I'm not sure I have one, if I want to write about something I generally do, even if I don't get it to be "publishing" worthy... Maybe Hogan/Kinch? I really like that ship, but I've never written much Hogan's Heroes fic to begin with, I think I only have one published work, and I find it a hard one to write shippy things for

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Huh... I'm not sure. There a number of fics I've written that I still really really like and will reread (the author's amazing! she knows exactly what I like!) I'm really proud of my Torchwood/MASH crossover, it's my longest fic and took the highest level of technical skill to write. I also tend to reread A Poet Under Pressure fairly often because I do love tormenting Dandelion u.u

#i had these from ages back and kept forgetting about them orz #thank you for your patience kind mutuals who tagged me #so now dear followers you're getting spammed with them #as i desperately hope that this convinces my brain to make some progress on my actual wips that i want to actually work on #bene speaks

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silverraes · 5 months

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My Top 9 albums of 2023

tagged by @mysterygrl20 tysm <3

my taste in music is kind of all over the place so prepare yourself for a wild ride, although I also listen to a lot of kpop (I've kinda been slacking on keeping up with releases over the past year tho oops) and we definitely have some overlap in favorite albums

I apologize in advance for how long this post is going to become but you're really opening the floodgates by letting me talk about music lol

(it's been a very dry year for my favorite metal bands or this list would've been even more chaotic lmao)

1) Dear Insanity... by DPR Ian

while I struggled to rank most of these, there was absolutely no question about my #1 album of the year. I only just discovered DPR Ian in 2023 and he very quickly became my favorite artist ever. you might have even seen me talk about this album an unhealthy amount of times already lol. he's just such an insanely good artist and every single song on this album is just soooo damn good.

part of why I love him so much is also the story he tells throughout his music videos and just how insanely good all of his MVs look and how well the visuals fit the music so I feel obligated to link the MV to my favorite song off this album:

(some flashing lights in this one, folks, be warned)

youtube

2) The World Ep.2: Outlaw by Ateez

everything Ateez releases is immediately getting added to my favorites, what can I say. I didn't have the money to go to their 2023 tour but I did see them live in 2022... absolutely worth the one and only time I ever caught corona. not a single bad song on this album, they're all absolute bangers.

3) Take Me Back To Eden by Sleep Token

I only just discovered Sleep Token in 2023 but I absolutely fell in love with this entire album and their style in general. almost got to see them live but then I ended up getting surgery on the exact day of their concert... :')

4) OO-LI by Woodz

I am a Woodz stan first and a human second. I'm convinced this man is incapable of releasing bad music, everything he does is just so damn good and I love how he explores a bunch of different genres while still making all of his music just sound like him y'know

also honorable mention to Amnesia which is only a single album so it didn't make the list but if you like more eerie stuff and the general vibe of his music, definitely check it out, I love it so much

5) On My Youth by WayV

WayV will forever have me in a chokehold. they've been my favorite NCT unit since their debut and honestly also the only unit I managed to properly keep up with over the last year ashgasj. I just really love their style of music and how they've actually been sticking to it

6) The Name Chapter: Temptation by TXT

It's truly been a TXT kinda year for me, I've been listening to them a lot. there aren't many songs on this album but I still love it so so much, all of the songs are great and Sugar Rush Ride is such a unique title track

7) Dark Blood by Enhypen

honestly Enhypen are part of the reason why I might have to update my top 3 kpop groups to a top 5 lol. all of their albums so far have been great and this one was no different, I still listen to a lot of the songs on it on repeat

8) RUSH! (Are U Coming?) by Måneskin

well what can I say, Måneskin have had me in a chokehold ever since they won the Eurovision and I actually got to see them live in 2023! drove all the way over to Berlin for them and everything, great album with great songs. I love both their more rock-ish songs and their slower songs and this album has a great mix of both (although I wish there would've been some more Italian songs on here)

9) MONO by K.Flay

K.Flay has been one of my more underrated faves for a couple years by now and I'll take any chance to gush about her music. there's just something very unique about K.Flay's music and this album certainly didn't disappoint. honestly, the only reason why I ended up putting this one on the "last" place is that I haven't listened to it as much as the other albums on this list

Honorable mentions!

bc once I start talking about music, I just simply can not stop at only 9 albums and this list isn't quite chaotic enough yet to properly describe my taste in music lmao

ODD-VENTURE by MCND

this is a rather recent one so I haven't listened to it enough for it to make the list, but I love everything MCND put out and this is definitely also a great album! (plus the title track is yeehaw kpop which is incredibly creative of them and I didn't know I needed that in my life)

HAPPYPILLS by Utsu-P

and this is where I expose the true chaotic nature of my taste in music lmao. Utsu-P's music is the perfect clash of world's between teen-me's obession with vocaloid and current-me's love for metal. I didn't include this album bc I still haven't gotten around to listening to all of it, but the songs that I did listen to, I absolutely loved

Phantomime by Ghost

oh you thought you made it through an entire post of me talking about music without mentioning Ghost? Hah, fool. jokes aside, this is an album full of cover songs so I didn't include it but it's still full of bangers. I reached audio cap now but I'll include their Jesus He Knows Me cover bc this was an absolute treat to witness live:

youtube

if you've made it this far without getting whiplash: congrats!

tagging (as always, no pressure, feel free to ignore this): @negrowhat @fallsouthwinter @spicypussywave @thisisworsethanitlookslike @supanuts @buddhamethods @alienwlw and anyone else who wants to do it!

#the lack of skz is only bc i still have not managed to listen to the full albums i'm-#i've been slacking on kpop releases so bad this past year it's ridiculous lol #tag game #tagged #music #rae's music rambles #Youtube #Spotify

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korodere · 5 months

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new year new... idk

haven't made a proper new years post in a while. i think this year kinda earned one.

tw: death, suicide, and so on

so... 2023.

where do i start?

a lot of good. and way, way more bad. but i don't want to lose sight of all the good because of it.

for the first time after knowing these guys for over a decade, i met my best friends nate, kathy, and kai in real life. spent over a week together with them, went to a con, got to share a bed with them the whole time, and force nate to eat a bunch of american food.

but. a month later, kai killed herself. and i'm still dealing with that. probably will be for the rest of my life. she was my best friend, i would call her my soulmate, my sister. she meant the world to me. i wish i could've spent every day of the rest of our lives like we spent that week in DC. i regret all the things i didn't do yet with her. all the things i couldn't do for her, to help her.

i miss her. a lot. i've just gotten to point finally, after she passed on aug 28, where just the thought of her doesn't make me spiral into misery and cut myself. i still get the feeling sometimes---i travelled again for the first time since our trip to DC, to see my childhood best friend graduate, and the entire plane ride was miserable. i just thought of her the whole time, because the last time i'd been on a plane was to see her, and then to leave her. and i kept thinking about how much i fucking wished i could've taken her back to vegas with me. she joked about it, when they dropped me off the airport, got out of the car and pretended like she was leaving with me. i wish she could have.

she made the year really stressful. from her new relationship to the constant troubles that came with it, to her psych ward visit, and then her constant attempts. over and over. and i had to keep stopping her, fighting with her. found out her whole philosophy on suicide---that it's her body her choice, and therefore anyone not wanting her to kill herself is being selfish, and that it was just a difference in philosophy. it was difficult. the conversations i had with her, i didn't want anyone else to hear. unfortunately it all spilled out, and then she took her own life.

i would've dealt with that for the rest of our lives if i had to, though. if it meant i could still talk to her, to see her again. i would've foiled her suicide attempts and argued with her and fought with her about it until we both grew old if i had to. i wouldn't have had to, i hope. but it was hard to convince her that there was any life to live other than this, for her. that she wouldn't feel this way forever.

it was a difficult year, if not for that already, but on top of that i was still dealing with the aftermath of a bad, drawn out breakup. so while trying to help her, i was barely able to help myself cope and move on from that---the fights and the shitty words and feelings. i felt pretty close to trying to attempt myself, last year. i'm better now. back on my medication. and while my self-harm is still an issue, it hasn't been for a couple months. its still on my mind, though. not always but a lot of the time.

i've been struggling pretty badly with feeling like i don't have a place in the world. worsened by the obvious, you know. i place a lot of my self and identity on the people around me---so who am i if not his boyfriend, if not kai's best friend? so much of my self-perception revolved around them.

there was a good month or two where i sort of just like... didn't want to exist, or accomplish anything. it's hard to describe but i felt like---why bother with transitioning? why bother with top surgery? HRT? legal documents? all that? if she's not here. i was her best friend, and she was always so proud and happy for me when i made progress---when i started growing a stache, she'd point it out everytime we video called and say "ooh, you look like a man, so handsome", or the more common, "you look like a fag". when my voice started dropping a bit, she noticed. it dropped even more this past month. i wish she could hear it.

this is certainly nsfw, but it makes sense in the context of our relationship (she was always very openly sexual around me, and vice versa. it was just part of our dynamic), but when we met up in july, i let her do... a lot of things lol. including suck on my nipple. which, yea, sounds weird, but it made sense for us. i told her now she had to live long enough to see me get top surgery, so she could test out if i still had enough feeling in my nipples. she said she would. so, for a while after she died, i felt like... i can't? or, why should i? if she won't be there, for me. if she won't be there to see my results.

it's really hard, thinking things like that. i'm struggling to not start crying right now. which is a miracle, honestly, i haven't been able to cry as much since i started T and yet because of her i've cried more in the past few months than i have in the year and a half since i started T.

i really miss her. i wish we could've done more, together. the week i spent with her felt like what i'd wanted my life with her to be for years. nearly a decade. you know, you grow up a mentally ill teen on the internet with all your most important friendships being these long distance people you've never met irl, and you talk and talk about what your life could be if you all lived nearby. and then for one week, that's what my life was. and i've never been happier in my life, genuinely. i wanted that to be my life, forever. it felt so comfortable and easy; i've notoriously had some bad anxiety issues about meeting up irl with people for the first time, i sort of shut down and go non-verbal, struggle to socialize or talk. but with her, kathy, and nate---i felt none of that. none of it. everything was so easy. i wasn't anxious or scared or anything.

i loved being with them. i loved doing mundane things like shopping at walmart and target with them while they pushed me around in the shopping cart. loved going to hot topic and picking out clothes with them. loved seeing the barbie movie in theaters opening week with them. going to a convention with them, something id' wanted for so long, because conventions are such a big part of my life and all i'd ever wanted was to share it with them. we cosplayed together. i put kai in my mikan cosplay, it fit her so well. when we went to the danganronpa meetup at otakon, she fit the part so easily even though she was kinda nervous. i still look at the pictures.

she really was a perfect mikan. nate was junko, you can see him on the right there, i was komaeda, and kathy was chiaki. it fit us all so well. i wish we could do it again.

it's been hard to wear my mikan cosplay again, after that. knowing she wore it.

i miss her a lot. but i'd be remiss to not mention that despite how awful this year was, i am hoping for a lot better in the upcoming one, and i'm going to make it so. and i know last time ifelt this way, a pandemic suddenly happened and things got worse, but i'm really gonna try, lol.

so what do i hope for, this year?

i'm going to see kathy & nate again, mark my words. i already have plans to see kathy in february and i'm going to enjoy myself the best of my ability, even if it'll be hard to be in her house again, considering the last time i was was when kai was there, too.

i want to get my passion for art back, and i think i'm already on my way to it. i want to get back into painting, both digitally and physically. and to draw with emotion rather than the intention to just make something pretty people will like.

back to the gym. rather stereotypical, but i gained a lot of weight after kai passed, and i want to get back in shape now.

drawing more things im passionate about rather than making myself stuck fixated on one interest.

top surgery. i wanna figure it out. even if i cant get it this year, i want to figure out what i need to do it.

a job hopefully. of some kind. just want to feel more stable money-wise if i can.

im just going to do things that ive wanted to do for a long time. im gonna stop putting it off. and just do it. because the time will pass anyways. so i want to do it now.

happy new year, everyone.

#kota.txt

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mdzsartreblogs · 2 years

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Look, it's 4 am here and I probably shouldn't post this at all but I've been thinking about it a lot for months and something that happened yesterday really drove it home so fuck it.

You guys realize I'm a real fucking person, right? My name is unforth, I run 8 art blogs because I fucking love danmei and I fucking love art. I'm not a bot. There is no algorithm. I do all the finding art, all the tagging, all the queueing, all the organization, by hand. Across my blogs I usually spend about 2 hours a day everyday on this, and that's about enough to barely keep on top of it. If I want to catch up on my huge backlog, it takes longer.

I am a real human. I have a real job. I have a wife. I have two small children (6 and 4). In the past year my wife and I have both had surgery, my son has been sick 5 times already, my kids have had to miss week upon week of school due to illness, covid exposures, car issues, and more. Four members of my extended family have had covid. I could go on, but fuck it.

I do this because I love fandom, I love art, I love artists, and I love organizing things. It's good for my brain. And it means a lot to me to help artists grow their platforms, to help get more eyes on their work, their merch, their commissions, their shops. But I also work my ass off. I own a small business I started 2 years ago that is growing, and doing okay, but has still not done well enough for me to take a single paycheck in that time (the owner always gets paid last. Everyone else gets repaid first).

This blog has something like 1800 followers.

Yesterday I reblogged a thing for my own latest project and just said, "signal boosts appreciated" and I got 1 reblog. From over *eighteen hundred of you*.

My name is unforth. I just adopted two guinea pigs. I think my son is sick again. I had to beg my dad for money to pay our mortgage this month. I've spent hundreds of hours for over two years running this blog and it feels like y'all care *so fucking little* that I might as well be invisible, a bot, a machine, a memory.

I am a real person.

And I'm about this close to saying "fuck it" and walking away from this project because being nothing feels like *shit.*

I don't need or want thanks, but yall should CARE. Not just about me, either. I've seen how few notes artists get on calls for commissions, on their shops, on their personal projects. We're all real people! And no you don't "owe us" but ffs common courtesy suggests if you like what we do you'd help all of us get more eyes on our stuff. No ones saying "give money" but among your followers, or among their followers, there might be someone who Wants The Thing but if the post doesn't spread no one will even know The Thing fucking exists. Folks say they want more indy art, indy stories, queer creators, on and on, but act like even giving a project signal boost is asking too much. I'm so exhausted watching people I care about beg for scraps. I'm so exhausted begging for scraps myself. It should be a no-brainer - if you like what someone creates HIT THE FUCKING REBLOG BUTTON.

And yet.

I'm so tired, yall.

It's now almost 5 am. I shouldn't post this. I'm going to, though. And if I do quit, when I do quit, don't say I didn't warn you.

#unforth rambles

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still-a-morosexual-help · 1 year

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@🌹anon asked about my ocs sometime back and as I was answering it rn I accidentally deleted the entire thing😭😭😭😭😭

I'm gonna try and write whatever I remember again✌️:

Yes I did it again (shut up);

I'm such a fucking idiot, I found the "deleted ask" hidden deep in my drafts - apparently it went there when I lost my internet connection but instead of getting saved at the top of my drafts it got saved on the day anon first sent me the ask so somewhere in the middle between other drafts??? Anyway:

!!!You asked for it!!

They were all created for some game or another (characters I'll be able to toss away once I'm done playing the games) But I ended up falling in love with all of them🤡

I can't draw people for shit & I don't wanna describe appearances so I'm gonna use picrews (with links added for anyone who wants to use 'em too)

Starting from first created to last & answering it like I'm making them character profiles for a dating sim (but leaving out the three from Choices 'cause I don't know if they can be considered proper ocs rather than just characters the game handed us? Also leaving out the others from fictif because they're not as well developed)

1. "Lex" Alexandra Lane

(Lex after Lex Luthor and Lane after Lois Lane because I think I'm funny)

[1] , [2]

Origin: Love Island the Game S2

25 at beginning now 26 years (Birthday: November 16th)

5'5"

She/Her

Bisexual

Professional Cellist

English/British because the game didn't give me a choice

Married at 26 (because the game gives you no option), will definitely have a couple kids at some point

No gross out factor - probably ate bugs as a kid. Probably will still eat a bug off the ground if dared to. Biggest point of pride is that she can do a backflip in heels. Loves fashion/beautiful clothes that are usually stupidly expensive. Biting her lip and making bedroom eyes at every single person but really just wants to fall in love and settle down. Hates confrontation/any sort of fight but also really wants to know everything about everyone's business. Good at being the mediator. Always the big spoon. Actually pretty buff - can absolutely bench you.

2. Eliza Ramskin

(Eliza after the official name of the porcelain apple doll sitting in a box on my cupboard but then I decided I didn't want it to stand for Elizabeth so now it stands for "A Lizard" after the rubber gecko pasted on my bedroom wall. Ramskin: a bad pun because of the game)

[1] , [2] (yes the little frog is supposed to be me)

Origin: Obey Me!

23 at beginning now 26 years (Birthday: April 21st)

5'10"

They/Them

Queer

Wildlife Photographer

Has chronic pain

Has a scar over one eyebrow - will smugly tell you a cool story for it. In reality dropped a jar of peanut butter on their face. + top surgery scars

-> Essentially just om! gen MC with a background and name. Have you read my post about gen MC's canon facts? Have you read any of my gen MC theory posts, where I take individual canon facts & connect them to see what happens? Have you read any of my obey me! fics? Can you remember what general MC was like in them? Then you know exactly what Eliza is like. But still, here are some of my favourite parts:

Ambiguously human. Would fight God at 2am in a Denny's parking lot and WIN. They're very lowkey an asshole but underneath that they're kinda nice but underneath that they're a bigger asshole but underneath that they're even nicer and so on and so forth. Surprisingly down for murder. 0 self preservation + 0 shame + 0 fear + max drive & determination + max stubborness + max can do attitude + unconsciously charming + actually pretty strong + danger kink + horny = the world's greatest monster fucker.

3. Len

(Len's short for Lenora which she no longer goes by but irl named after my Lenova laptop, No surname.)

[1] , [2]

Origin: The Arcana

31 years (Birthday: June 7th)

5'11"

She/They

Bisexual

Same occupation as the game's MC

The only one who has a defined body shape in my mind and that body shape is plank of wood

Pitch black eyes that reflects no light. Vague cryptid energy. Stoic, cold yet thin polite smile that seems very surface level. Posture's so good just looking at her makes your back hurt. Warms up once you get to know her; is caring and gentle and understanding and soothing but also stuborn and tough/harsh/strict. Responsible but also has no problem breaking the law if needed. Dreams of travelling the world. Gives off black cat energy but is a dog person. Sadistic in both the sexy and unsexy way. Bad puns. So much untapped potential to be a super villain. I think I accidentally just created a female version of om!'s Lucifer...

4. Vale Knight

(Vale after welcome to night vale which I hadn't watched at the time, Knight from the same place but it's also a pun because of what happens to them in the game)

[1] , [2]

Origin: Last Legacy

28 years (July 10th)

6'0"

They/Them

Queer Polyamorous

Same occupation as the game's MC

Not only are they a weeb they're an ASSHOLE. The kind of person to get stabbed because their first instinct was to mock the mugger. Decided to dye their hair for cosplay once and then went "wait a minute -" A shameless flirt until someone flirts back and then they're a flustered annoyed mess. Had a lot of jobs over the years, currently a barista - doesn't want to be a barista forever but doesn't know what they want to do (other than gaming, watching movies/shows/anime, reading books/comics/manga) until they accidentally discover a passion for medicine and go to nursing school

5. River Bouwmeester

(River after Lake from Infinity Train which I've never watched, Bouwmeester because it's a Dutch surname meaning "master builder" because they work as a home renovater)

[1]

Origin: Monster Manor

27 years

5'1"

He/They

Queer

Same occupation as the game's MC

American (because the game gave me no choice) with probably Dutch origins from their father's side

Couple of big scars here and there

BIG "I can fix him energy". Moves around a lot = not much possibility for a long term stable relationship = oblivious and shy when it comes to romantic attraction. Strong, patient, practical. Very little can rattle them. Came from a long family line of home renovaters/builders (of the magic, strange & weird) but no close living family. Unironically loves bob the builder. Trying very hard to forget about the fact that they're extremely lonely by keeping up a very positive optimistic attitude. Their truck is their pride & joy. Absolutely loves their job even though it's what causes them to move about so much and so makes it hard to form close connections. Very friendly from the first moment but isn't tolerant of anyone's bullshit.

6. Roo Kidd

(Roo after the baby kangaroo from Winnie the Pooh, Kidd because the baby kangaroo was a kid. Surprisingly the actual meanings behind both names fit with their character/circumstances)

[1] , [2]

Origin: Twisted Wonderland

16 years (Birthday January 10th)

5'7"

He/They

Gay Demiromantic Asexual

Wears reading glasses

Lots of small scars from scrapes and scratches all along body

Always cold + loves cute clothes = wearing summer dresses and instantly regretting it. Head in the clouds 7 outta 10 times. Has never felt romantic attraction before - believed they never would and was 100% okay with that - so the one time they did start feeling it went "wow I'm really into this friendship" and stayed oblivious for an annoyingly long time. Also similarly oblivious to romantic attraction directed at them. Kinda klutzy. Big wet eyes. Big bright smile. A ball of sunshine but also really snarky. "This might as well happen" energy. Fast with quick reflexes and a sharp eye for detail. A cunning edge that comes out only during emergencies. Strength of a wet noodle though. Gets a shitty impromptu/accidental haircut that leads to him buzzing it all off and having to grow it back.

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bisexualamy · 9 months

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Transition Update #63: 7 years on T & hysto retrospective

Hi everyone!! The title says it all. I wanted to include all of my phallo consults in this as well, but a few items are last-minute up in the air, so I'll write a separate post for the phallo consults omnibus.

As always, please don't reblog or screenshot and repost. Links are fine. Writing transition updates over the years has been really good for me and I always hope someone finds them helpful. But at the same time, the larger public is awful about bottom surgeries and I'd rather not subject myself to that ire.

This post has a general content warning for discussions of sex, genitals, body image and body/gender dysphoria.

7 years on T

I stopped doing annual T updates a while ago, because after the first 2-3 years most of the bodily changes are basically the same bodily changes cis men go through as they age. This year I made a point to celebrate 7 years, because that's an absolutely wild number, and I think it's important to acknowledge my T anniversary when it comes around. Testosterone has fundamentally changed my life. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here without it. I'm so grateful to be in a place mentally, physically, financially, and temporally that I can continue to access it.

I started taking Finasteride this year bc my hairline is getting a little thin. This is, again, more a factor of being in my later 20s than anything else. I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did. It was one of the first times I experienced and male body image issue that had nothing to do with being trans. Normally, I'm so grateful to live as a man that most male body image issues don't affect me. I don't care that I'm short or a little round or I have wider hips. I'm so grateful to pass and live full-time as a man that it doesn't register. This one was different, and I'm not quite sure why, but I'm going to try and not obsess over it.

Off and on the last four years, but seriously the last two years, I started working out and lifting. At first, I mostly ran, especially during the height of the lockdown when it was the only safe way to work out. I love running but I always wanted to be strong and see what my body could do. The past two years I've been working with an online trainer and my strength has really improved!! I'm hitting personal bests in the gym and it's stopped feeling like a tedious chore. I'm actually excited to go now. That's an amazing feeling and I'm always really happy when my friends or family call me strong.

Hysto retrospective

It's been 7 months since my hysto back in January. The recovery for that was longer and more difficult than I expected. Being cooped up in the house and feeling really weak and gross, on top of the bottom dysphoria I kept experiencing having to constantly discuss lots of parts I hate having, was really hard on me. I feel like, over the last two months, I've shaken off a lot of the lingering depression from that. All that being said, I've healed very well, and I'm so happy I got my hysto.

One of the worst, dysphoria-inducing nightmares for me was getting pregnant. It was so bad, it prevented me from seriously dating cis men for years. T is not birth control, and even with protection and respectful partners, the fear and anxiety were just too much for me to handle. I knew that once I got my hysto, I'd probably feel more confident dating men, but I didn't realize the extent to which that would be true.

I've felt way more confident to date around and hook up since I got my hysto. I've gone on more dates with cis gay men than I ever have before, and even though they ultimately fizzled out, I have never had that level of dating confidence in my life. It's so, so gender affirming when cis gay men are attracted to me. I always felt like I lost something, being a bisexual man who was too anxious about being trans to participate in any kind of gay male culture in NYC. This is by far the biggest gift my hysto gave me and I'm so happy for it.

#transition stuff #ren speaks

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cantbelieveyouregone · 2 months

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Level 65 - 5 Years, 5 Months On Testosterone

Well, it's been a hell of a long time since I last did this. Almost like a pandemic happened and made me forget because there were slightly more pressing matters at hand. But it's just past trans day of visibility, so figured I should provide some sort of update here.

First big change since you last saw me do this is that I got top surgery. I'm now about two and a bit years past when it happened, and it wasn't completely smooth sailing. Surgery itself went fine, but I ended up having some of my stitching come out during recovery. That's, like, a whole other story, though. It could take up several paragraphs here. I got the periareolar one done, with my chest being just on the borderline of being too big for it, but I begged them to let me have that one, as it'd always been my preferred one if possible.

I'm still trying to get on the waiting list for bottom surgery, but even trying to get through to the GIC to make progress is a nightmare right now. I don't help my case by being someone who absolutely despises making phone calls, so I only try getting in touch by email. I've asked to be put on the list, twice, but I have not received any confirmation if it's happened. Really wish that I wasn't dependent on this whole GIC system, but here we are.

Besides that, in terms of testosterone changes, things have been pretty stable for a while now. My voice hasn't gotten much deeper for like a good couple years. I am a hairy boy - saw it coming, thanks to having beheld my dad swimming, and seeing that we were three for three in having facial hair among my grandfathers and dad as well.

I am still a very physically weak man. Exercise took a backseat for a lot of the lockdown period of the pandemic, as well as me doing very little exercise post-surgery on surgeon's orders. I've really only started picking it up again relatively recently, after moving out of the house I always take these selfies in (my old room - now my dad's work from home office - still has a mirror in it). I can do only about 15 push-ups before I have to stop for a breather, as my endurance has remained atrocious. I managed to do ten bicep curls in a row per arm with dumbbells weighing 8.5kg each, but I truly just reached that point. I can do like 100 sit ups on a workout bench or 50 on the floor in mostly one go, though. And I can do a plank for like two and a half minutes on a good day. So, y'know, I'm not in terrible shape, but I could be better. I want to do bouldering more regularly, but that requires breaking my existing routine to do so, so I find it hard to go very often. At least me and my flatmate walk in to work some days.

I have gained a noticeable amount of weight, compared to my last update, but that's honestly more to do with the fact that I moved out and got a job. My flatmate works at the same place I do, so we go to work at the same time. So I actually eat breakfast every day because they'd quickly notice if I didn't. Lunch is covered by our work, but it's Deliveroo from select places, so it's not the healthiest stuff we have as options. And dinner, again, flatmate and I get back at the same time and make dinner together most nights. Might not seem like a big deal, but before I had a job and moved out, I regularly slept in and didn't have a proper meal until dinner time. So funnily enough, I'm not surprised jumping from one meal a day to three has caused weight gain.

My mental health is an open question as always. I've described myself as "one thing going wrong away from a mental breakdown", and I still think that's accurate. I'm still on meds for anxiety and depression, and I still feel noticeable effects when I forget to take them. I don't think they're going away any time soon. Top surgery has helped with some of the mental health stuff, since it's one less thing for me to worry about on a daily basis, but... y'know, bottom dysphoria still exists, and it's bad. I did make some friends during university which helped to make things tolerable when I definitely otherwise would've been alone, since I pushed a lot of my high school friends away after I dropped out. I'm not in a relationship, and not only do I have limited desire to be until I learn how to take care of myself better, but I still have no idea what anyone would see in me.

I never know how to end these things. I don't know when I'll next remember to actually do one of these, because it's been a long-ass time since I did it before. Maybe I'll do a more detailed update about my top surgery experience. Maybe the folks that follow me ain't here for this, but if my post makes it across the dashboard or in the search of another person going through it, maybe it'll be helpful.

It's kind of why I started doing this in the first place.

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foster-the-world · 1 year

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Not true

My cousin has started a really successful career. She founded/runs two high end hair salons and is now selling her own hair products + self-tanning products.

Her parents weren't the most stable when she was growing up. My Uncle is a great Dad. Always there for them but has never been financially stable. My Aunt suffers from some undiagnosed mental health issues. Some type of mania + depression with some pill abuse thrown in. She either over the top nice or the opposite. Also, not good with money. Now my cousin has a family of her own. My Aunt and Uncle help out a lot. Babysit multiple times a week, etc, etc.

My cousin has a solid instagram following. 40K followers. So not famous but a lot of people. She's super model pretty. She's open about her plastic surgery and post multiple times a week.

Last week she wrote a story post about how her 13 year old self would be so proud of her. Which sounded sweet. Then she goes onto say her parents are amazing and did the best they could but as a family they often had to skip meals because of money. She claimed it made her so malnourished that her skin and hair were falling out/apart. She claims at 14 she got herself THREE FULL TIME jobs due to the families financial issues. This is most decidedly not true. First, how could 99% of people have three full time jobs let alone a 14 year old who was in school full time and a cheerleader. I don't recall her having a single job in high school but maybe she did some kind of normal high school kid part time job. Second, while her family often had money troubles they didn't skip meals. I guess there's some stuff I could have missed but there is no way it was enough to become so malnourished her hair was falling out. My Uncle has always been hugely overweight. While he has his fault he always put his children first and would never eat enough to be overweight while his children were not eating.

Luckily, my Uncle has noted how he is not on Instagram and does not read her content. Thankfully. I'm sure this post would deeply hurt him.

Would someone reading really believe a 14 year old works 120 hours a week? I'm sure kids she went to high school with still follow her online. Is she not worried they will point out its not true? She's super close with her sister. She knows her sister is going to read it. What is she thinking when she writes these things?

And she should be so proud of herself. She doesn't have to be malnourished in high school to be proud of herself. She has two beautiful children and three successful businesses. That's super impressive. No reason to lie. The whole thing baffles me.

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cuartist · 2 months

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Nine people you'd like to get to know better

Tagged by @birthdaywolf

Last song: on my phone? scumbag by noahfinnce (listening to his whole album currently, but that's the one that was on when I got out of the car), but den just played barbaras rhabarberbar out loud in my vicinity, so? debatable (then listened to more noahfinnce while making this)

Favourite colour: i mean? red or black, lol. (though debatably a color) also copper/brass/gold. when i was a kid I would say rainbow, and ya know? a good answer

Currently watching: hypothetically adventure time and full metal alchemist, but it's been a while for both! a lot of youtube tho lol

sweet/savory/spicy: this is a silly question. there must be balance, and also they're not mutually exclusive? thinking about a good pad thai which is all of the above. like, if only allowed one ever for the rest of my life, savory probably? because what is spicy without savory-ness? but i also am a baker with a sweet tooth, so. silly question.

Relationship status: married to @unloneliest! this year will be our 10th anniversary (from dating) which? wild. we were babies.

Current obsession: i mean, always my comic @farragone, I'm very close to finishing the coloring for an episode right now and am! very excited for how that's looking! a little out of context screenshot! they.

but also recently got a shelf and discovered it was in much rougher shape once it was getting cleaned, so I learned how to refinish wood about it! and did that intensely for 3 days

the before, after I sanded & added wood filler, and after!! dragon shelf!!!

I'm also getting top surgery in a month, so, definitely very focused on getting stuff prepared for that! bought some very cheap shirts today that can get wrecked if they must, dealing with boring paperwork etc.

Last thing you googled: was trying to order vegan wings and suffering about it since the place we originally tried to order from wasn't actually accepting online orders, and the place we did order from did not have any descriptions of their sauces. So doing a search to see if anybody had even posted any photos or reviews, while slowly losing my hungry mind over how large their menu was.

Tagging: (not 9 people bc I can't think that hard) (if you want! no pressure! and also if you want to do these you can if i didn't tag you specifically!) @pegasusgoat, @whatisthiswitchcraft, @clockworkfairy, @lycanqueer, @pandorem, @dysfucktional-queer, @mithridacy

#art speaks #tag game #text #verdict on wings was: not my tasty guys from alaska

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horce-divorce · 2 months

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I think that anon belied a common misconception among many well-meaning people, too, that is actually worth addressing, wrt my donation posts: I DONT usually get money from strangers, and I DONT put those posts up with any expectations at all! Sometimes they don't work! Sometimes we get nothing for weeks on end, or just $5 here and there, and we go a month without everything that we need, and we make do with what we can find anyway.

But the thing is, when I do put up a post and I ask for money, I'm NOT asking strangers. I have a TON of connections near & far that I talk to online. I'm putting out a call to all of my friends, giving them an update, and saying, "hey if any of you is better off right now, we could use a hand!" often my friends are no better off than me, and they can't help. that's fine! Its hard times for everyone! that's why I know they don't begrudge me for asking.

In fact, a lot of my friends send me money WITHOUT me asking!! one of my IRL friends has learned to recognize when I need more help and I'm playing it down. They gave me $60 just recently, after I waffled for hours about taking their money, and finally told them I could get by the rest of the week on $30-50. Another friend, someone I've known since we were toddlers, sent me $80 out of the blue several months ago just bc she missed us and was thinking of us, and she had a little extra. Last time we talked to her, I mentioned how our food stamps got cut, & we'd be out for another week. She venmo'd me $30 labeled "pizza tears" before we even got off the phone (which I think was hilarious fwiw). A different friend recently heard that Bel and I wanted to go on a date to taco bell, and when I said we could do it for under $20, she gave me $50 and said "make sure you get the cinnabons!!!" Another friend bought me winter boots and socks this year as soon as i said i didnt have any- THE best, warmest, cosiest socks I've ever owned. Last year, one (1) of my tumblr mutuals covered my ENTIRE cost of post-op care for top surgery. I said "I'll probably need $$$" and they covered all of it! That same person has bought me groceries, meds, and gas on many other occasions, too. All of these people are folks I've known for years either thru tumblr or IRL.

Very occasionally, it's a newer mutual or even a stranger. One time, when I was still on Twitter and very early in my transition, I said something about how gender affirming my old high school Chuck Taylor's were and how I missed them so. My mutual from another COUNTRY immediately sent me $60 for gender affirming Chuck Taylor's. I haven't spoken to that person since Twitter went south, sadly. If youre still out there, I named my shoes after you, Bergamot & Jones, and I think of you every time I step outside. Another time, a guy who wasn't even my mutual sent me a bunch of binders and boxers for free. Sometimes even my old coworkers from my mall days pop up out of the woodwork and send me 20 bucks or something.

I have more stories like this. Not even just about money. Like that guy who saw me pop a flat tire in the mall parking lot and insisted on changing it for me.

I actually also never feel guilty about asking for what I need, or accepting it, and you shouldn't either. I don't like this idea that you need to grovel and be exactly This self-flagellating and full of hatred and remorse to ride and earn one (1) morsel of kindness. What do I look like, a Catholic? You dont have to apologize for wanting to stay alive. You didn't ask to be born, and you weren't the one that put a price on living!

You know what I do instead? Pay it forward. Yes, I ebeg often, yet I, too, will sometimes send $5, $10, $30 to people I care about whenever we wind up with a little extra. You can't save money as a poor person anyway, it doesn't work, so why cling to my last few pennies when someone else could use it right now? I've watched Bel give away his last $5 to a different homeless person twice since we've been living in the car. One time we stayed and had dinner with the guy and his dog. He was a hitchhiker named Ray and he was SO interesting to talk to.

There are studies that show that the most generous people when it comes to donating are NOT the people with the most money. It's the poorest ppl in the community who have been or are in your shoes, and who know how you feel, who pitch in when you need it most. Hence the community $20. The idea that panhandlers are expecting something from well-off strangers who can't empathize with us is like... kinda silly lmao, we know most of those ppl hate our fucking guts and want us dead, actually. (Are rich ppl really just that threatened by the idea of sharing that they see someone going "help please (generally speaking)!" And they immediately go "ugh, ME????? How dare you ask ME specifically for MY hard earned money?????" Idk it kinda tracks.)

I also use a jovial tone in a lot of my posts because I have to ask for help a lot, and it gets tiring to everyone to constantly hear "I'm soooo sorry for being such a needy piece of GARBAGE, AGAIN, I really hate that i have to do this, but..." because that's just The Friend Who Is Apogizing For Breathing. That doesn't feel good to hear any more than it does to say, no one likes that. And yes SOME people DO want you to feel that way about needing help- but its not going to be the people who will help you, I promise you that. Also, think about what you're saying when you talk about yourself like that. Why are you garbage? Because the cost of living is too high? Because your boss doesn't pay you a living wage? Because your landlord wrings you dry? Because you can't afford your meds or food? How is any of that actually about you at all? How does being hungry and wanting to live make you garbage???

Deeply unfortunately, you also tend to get more attention with a chipper tone and a preemtive "thank you" instead of an "oh God oh God oh God I'm so sorry I'm so fucking sorry, fuck!!!!" I also won't imply urgency where there isn't any. Sometimes we DO need money asap and it's like, we'll literally be stranded in the woods with no food if we don't get it. But other times, we need money, but like, we have time to figure it out. I save the urgency for the times I really need it.

Instead I focus on the positive: I DO have a lot of friends who care about me, all over, and even strangers who care about me, too! Those people have been keeping my ass alive for YEARS! They shouldn't have to do that! I shoudlnt have to beg to continue to use my own organs! But also, how cool are my friends for being the realest commies I know??? They're not going to just let me die out here. Why would I be sad about that? Why would I feel bad about people caring about me and wanting to see me pull through? Why would I apologize for proving that the human loving spirit is in fact alive and well? In the times when there IS less urgency, I think it's just nicer to my friends to make a lighter hearted post once in a while- you know, for the ones constantly seeing this stuff and helping me out. I think it's nice to acknowledge them in a positive way, instead of always being like "god im do sorry that im STILL BREATHING, i know you guys HATE that!!!"

Like. Idk if this is making sense. Remember that post where the person was telling their partner, "I'm just so worried that you'll think I'm stupid and want me to shut up," and their partner said, "Thats kind of mean, I wish you wouldn't think of me that way"? It's like that. If your friends and mutuals wanted you to shut up and die and feel guilty for living, they wouldn't be sharing your posts or donating to you, and it's kind of... mean? To get off on that foot. It's like we expect people to only help us begrudgingly. Thats not true at all! Donation posts are optional. Most people who reply to them do so because they're in a position to help and they WANT to, because it makes them feel good.

It's thanks to my friends that I am still alive to make all these delightful posts for them to read. They want me to stay alive because they like having me around. So i try to continue to be that presence in exchange for their love and suppport, and yes, i will incorporate that into my posts asking for help, especially if its a less time-sensitive ask. Idk like, re-framing a situation and focusing on the positive is a basic coping skill from many types of therapy and I hate to say this but it really is good for you. (Also fwiw I try to always say "thank you" to every individual who sends me money, each and every time. Sometimes they don't let me send messages back thru the pay apps, and sometimes I forget, but I try to every time.)

Plus, damn near EVERYONE needs help right now! Poverty and income inequality and chronic houslessness and chronic ILLNESS are all at ALL TIME HIGHS. Pre-covid 25% of the population was disabled. I wonder what it will look like next time we get a handle on those numbers?

So just to be clear, again: I don't expect donations to pull us out of poverty! If that were realistic, it would have already happened, ive been doing this for a decade. I don't expect strangers to have a stake in our situation, either. All either of us want is to be able to keep living our lives as best as we can for as long as we can- and a lot of our friends, and other people, DO sympathize with that. That's a point of pride for the community I've chosen for myself. I refuse to feel guilty about surrounding myself with caring, wonderful people who actually read my posts. That sounds like a pretty big win for me actually lmao.

AND I refuse to feel guilty and self-deprecating over circumstances that are out of my control and don't actually weigh on my character whatsoever. Being disabled isn't a character flaw. Being unemployable bc of my symptoms isn't something that's "wrong" with ME. Being homeless during an ALL TIME RECORD HIGH of homelessness ISNT something thats "wrong" with "me," and it's not something I would want anyone else to feel guilty over, either! These things don't determine who I am as a person or the impact I have on the people around me. Clearly I continue to have a positive impact and be a good friend, or asking my friends for help wouldnt be keeping me alive. I simply don't have enough followers to get that much money from strangers lol. And I have more followers than a lot of people (around 1500 currently).

So yeah, this is to everyone else who's ever felt horrifically guilty for asking for help online or otherwise: even if you dont have a lot of connections and you ARE asking for help from strangers, needing one another isnt a character flaw! The people who care will WANT to help anyway, period. It makes people feel good to know they can help. And yes it does make people feel better to hear a "thank you! we are still alive and happy to be here!" Over a "fuck God I'm so sorry I'm still alive and burdening you all so with my high cost of breathing!!!!" I'm so sorry that you have to have a body! Me, too, bud. It's rough, but it's gonna be ok.

Anyway needing help is morally neutral. Now im just thinking about the way the upper class has poor people at each other's throats for the perceived "selfishness" of needing help- because in a world where you are constantly burnt out from work, and the value of a dollar is so horribly out of proportion to the effort it takes to earn, sharing that hard-won effort with anyone else does sometimes feel like too much. Im thinking about the way hoarding wealth & resources & keeping them behind paywalls is seen not only as morally superior but a sign of objective intelligence and life skills, vs how the way sharing is construed as foolishness, the way needing help to stay alive is construed as greed, while the upper class that literally stays healthy and youthful and thrives on the blood, sweat and tears of the lower class gets to pat themselves on the back for being morally superior, individualist, and "not needing anyone." Kinda makes me sick when I put it like that!

Anyway. Again, needing help is morally neutral, especially in this economy, and I refuse to hate myself for circumstances that aren't my fault and for having people in my life who are invested in me and want to see me pull through. Everyone deserves friends like that, and I hope you find them.

#me #homelessness #disability stuff #long post #car living #in case you missed the context #i had put out a donation post w a lighter tone. the one w the kitty gif on it #and this anon was like soo mad that i was 'trying to be funny and cute' instead of begging desperately #but ive been wanting to make this post for a while anyway just bc so many people do this #the whole oh my god im so fuckint sorry i have to do this again im so sorry to besmirch your dash and darken your doorstep etc etc #im sorry but i really feel like the ONLY people who WANT to hear that #are ppl like my anon who spend 0% of their time helping anyone ever #and most of their time saying shit like '97% of poor people have refrigerators' type shit #(real thing from fox news a few yrs back icymi. like poor people arent THAT poor. see. refrigerators!)#the only type of person who wants to see you self-flagellate for needing help getting meds #is someone who doesnt think anyone should ever have help getting meds.#wow i couldve just said that and instead heres a 10k word essay rofl.#anyway!!!!!

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vaulted-ceiling-painted-sky · 1 year

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I'm making a major life change. I'm detransitioning (for medical reasons, so please don't cancel me).

I don't talk about this sort of thing much on my blog because I prefer to live a relatively private life separate from social media. However, I still wanted to disclose some things to my followers. I was on testosterone for over 5 years. I got the prescription after 8 months of counseling for gender dysphoria, followed by a consultation with a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist. This all started back in 2016 and I began taking T in 2017.

The symptoms that were considered part of my gender dysphoria diagnosis were mostly related to body dysmorphia. Since puberty, I felt like my body shape was completely wrong and that certain parts didn't belong to me (no real explanation, just physical discomfort). I had an eating disorder for many years that I never fully recovered from until the T improved my metabolism enough and I could start eating intuitively again. My other symptoms were... pretty much just being a weird girl and a social misfit. I had learned to mask it ok but social expectations just felt overwhelming and exhausting.

T was amazing for the first few years. My period stopped after a month, I lost fat and put on muscle, I could eat a full meal again, my body felt right in a way it never had before. I even got a new job where I felt like a fit in way better as a guy. I was extremely well informed on what changes to expect and when, and I was always careful with my health, getting regular blood tests and checking in with my doctors.

The side effects started to accumulate and worsen however. My body temperature ran high and I got overheated quite easily, which affected my sleep among other things. After about a year I started to get intense abdominal cramps with increasing frequency. Several years of this and I eventually had to get a hysterectomy (I kept my ovaries) and the cramping finally stopped. I had already had top surgery at this point. That was an entire ordeal on its own. I needed to have an emergency revision a week after the original surgery when I got a hematoma in the left side of my chest. I had to drive myself to the emergency room (my boyfriend was at work) where they opened the stitches and tried to manually drain it. Blood was gushing out of my side. I had to be rushed into the OR to have it fixed. After about 4 years on T, I began to have constant pain in certain organs due to atrophy. Medication only stopped it from getting worse, but the pain was still there and sex was out of the question. This can take a toll on one's mental health and relationship. The side effect that really scared me though was the heart problems. After nearly 5 years on T, I started having episodes of fast, pounding, irregular heartbeats. They were uncorrelated with anxiety, and heartburn medication did nothing. I stopped T for a few weeks and the episodes decreased. I started T again and had the worst one yet, where I was actually afraid for my life. I stopped again and my heart issues resolved in a month or two. My last dose was in October 2022.

Since then my body has been reverting to its natural appearance. I just look more feminine and read as female in spite of a flat chest and deep voice. It happened quickly for me. I decided to file paperwork for a court order name and gender change last week. I think I'll be back to publicly presenting as a woman in a few months. This has been a lot for me to process but I'm cautiously optimistic. And I'm so, so grateful that I have a loving, open-minded boyfriend and a supportive family. I don't know what I would do without them.

Why did I post this? Well, I thought sharing my experience might be useful for some of you. If you're on T or getting gender-related surgeries, or if someone you care about is, it's helpful to know about some of the things that can happen. My experiences differed significantly in some ways from the standard information you get on this stuff. Side effects can be quite manageable for some people, but very serious for others. I thought I was at very low risk of anything bad happening yet treatment still proved unsustainable for me. It can be difficult to find accurate information in a medical field that's been unfairly politicized. I just want what's best for everyone though.

#detrans

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bearsbeetsbeskar · 5 months

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Hi! I've followed for a bit, but I just wanted to reach out in regards to your more recent post about that feeling of everything caving in with school and the demands there plus home life.

I definitely understand that in its entirety. It can be incredibly heavy. I'm also in that stage of trying my damned hardest to finish this semester. I gave myself an eight class workload while working full time, trying to mother, and working on law school applications.

Something that helps me is trying to focus on all the things I have accomplished rather than what is left to accomplish.

In that regard, I see myself doing things I didn't even know I was capable of doing. 🖤

It's easy to succumb to the pressures that we place on ourselves. Just try to give yourself a little bit of grace, a lot of admiration because of just how much you've kicked your life's ass rather than how much it is kicking yours, and keep on keeping on while knowing it's almost over and you're almost there.

Just, that felt important to tell you.

I hope it helps and just know that you're lovely and unique and capable of anything that you accept you can do.

Tessa, holy crap.

I just wanted to let you know that I saw this message when you first sent it (well over a week ago thanks to my burnout crisis with wrapping up the semester), and it actually made me cry

UGLY CRYING cries

this means so much to me, you have no idea. it get's so lost on us to look at all that we have overcome and accomplished when we're constantly up against new life stressors and obstacles, but you're so right that remembering these things are so important!

I guess for some context, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year, got the surgery to remove the tumour, did chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards, and then a month ago she fell and fractured her ankle. earlier this year I broke up with my ex of 5 years and ended our engagement, and he moved out of my house. and on top of that my grandmother has been battling with breast cancer for the last two years, but her condition has greatly deteriorated, and we are really not sure if she will make it to the new year at this point.

So i guess trying to manage all of that on top of grad school with a full courseload and an internship... was a lot for me. But I fail to step back and look at all these battles I endured that I probably didn't have the strength to overcome before. You have so much on your plate as well, and holy crap, forget anything I said because you are a MOM on top of everything else, and that in and of itself is a huge job. You are an inspiration, and you have so much strength to persevere in spite of all the things life is throwing your way.

thank you so much for your kind words. I am gonna use this mindset moving forward 'you're capable of anything that you accept you can do.' ❤️ 🥹

You got this, we got this!!!!

#this was so kind and fuckign sweet and how did I deserve such lovely people interacting with me on this hellsite???#can I frame this or

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