#and i fully understand that a lot of other trans folks cannot think of themselves this way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tiktoks-for-tired-tots · 2 years

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Hi I wanted to ask a question about transgender. Please don't be offended, I just want to learn. I'm not antitrans, my sister is trans. Actually, when she decided to tell us all, she was in her 30s and she emigrated cos she got so much bullying here. I haven't seen her in over a decade. Anyway.

Can you explain about transmeds? I hadn't heard that term so I looked it up. I am trying to get my head round how someone can be trans without gender dysphoria. I want to understand that. I'm thinking of how my sister described how she'd be feeling about her body, and interpreted what she was describing as something medical. I always thought that the opposite was to think it was a choice. Like people used to think homosexuality was a choice - well some still do of course - but I know it isn't, from my sister's experience.

So if transmed means believing it's a medical thing not a made up thing or a choice how I'd that wrong- I must be misunderstanding it so can you explain?

Thanks, and sorry if I've offended. I want to learn.

Thank you for reaching out to me! I'm not always great at explaining these things but I'll try.

Transmed is a word used to describe a person or idealogy that, as you said, believes that trans people must have dysphoria to 'qualify' as being trans. They often define transness as being about suffering via dysphoria and other things, and are often very adamant about needing to pass as a cis person, altough not always. It often comes along with mocking what they call 'tucutes' or 'trenders' -people who don't conform to cisnormativity or dont have dyshporia. Notable trans figures who do this include kalvin Garrah, a well known transmed. A quick look at any video of his shows how bitter and toxic transmedicalism can make people act.

The issue here is that they try to dictate how people define themselves, and also that they often try to be seen as cisgender as possible, which people criticise for conforming to patriarchal, cisheteronormative society. I personally believe that for trans people to be truly free we need to dismantle cisheteronormaitivity. While of course people may want or need to pass, it does not give them a right to decide whether or not others should. And while some may see dysphoria as a big part of their own identity and not fully understand those without it, again it does not give them a right to decide other people should as well.

At the end of the day each LGBTQA+ individual will have a different experience, and a different view of themselves, and each of these cannot be dictated by somebody else. This applies outside of queer spaces too. If you were in a wheelchair but enjoyed playing football in the chair with other players, and someone told you that you weren't an athlete because you didn't use your legs, would that be a reasonable thing for someone else to decide? Just because they define football players as using their feet, doesn't mean you and other disabled players cant play and call themselves athletes.

It often comes with bullying and harrassment too, which is objectively just messed up. It's led many former transmeds to feel ashamed of not being 'trans enough'.

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/not-all-trans-folks-dysphoria/

I'm sorry I dont have sources for all this, but I did find this article which shows that transmedicalism comes from a feeling of being attacked in a lot of cases, if 'I' experience so much pain as a trans person, how come they get to be part of the same group and not suffer! But this hostility is harmful. Many trans people have dysphoria, many don't and thats no ones business but their own.

Importantly its been argued that transness should not be defined as pain, as all the negative experiences that we face. It's a part of it of course, but just as important as dysphoria is euphoria. Euphoria in figuring out your not cis, in trying on affirming clothing, hearing your name and pronouns being used. Defining transness as pain paints transness as negative, and that only feeds into how cis people have defined us, but how do we define us? the same way transphobes do? I dont think so. It also erases so many other parts and histories of transness. Transness is defined by each of us and how we experience gender, culture, and our upbringing. If someone does not experience the pain of dysphoria that is a good thing. It means they can live without that little extra bit of strife that it brings. And it does not take away from discrimination they face, transitioning that they may undertake, and euphoria they experience as part of the community. It doesn't mean they've chosen to be trans, just that theyve chosen to live as the gender they always were, dysphoria or not.

I'd also like to clear up that lack of dysphoria can happen in both binary and non binary people. And hell, theres even cases where cis people have experienced dysphoria. I am non binary and I experience dysphoria, and that is my own business to deal with.

https://medium.com/transfocus/transmedicalists-are-wrong-79fc75adfe30

https://authorless.blog/2019/08/21/on-hormones-pt-10-growth-or-why-transmedicalism-is-mostly-bullshit/

#transmedicalism

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hillbillyoracle · 4 years

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Witchblr (for the Most Part) Doesn't Have the Gatekeeping Problem It Thinks It Does

I've been seeing this crop up in more and more posts, bios even - anti-gatekeeping statements. And I've tried to keep an open mind about it, to go "well maybe I'm just not seeing what they're talking about" but as I run into actual posts where gatekeeping is claimed, I'm really starting to think that Witchblr might not fully understand what the term means and why it's essential we don't adopt it from the groups who need it to articulate a very specific experience, one that Witchblr isn't capable of having just within itself as far as I can tell.

I don't know for a fact where the term originates but my first introduction to the term gatekeeping was through the trans community. A friend of mine was having to see a therapist, weekly, for 6 months, before she could get her therapist to write a letter that would enable a doctor to prescribe her the hormones she wanted to take. She'd researched them thoroughly, knew the risks and benefits very well, was fully consenting - but was being denied a substance vitally necessary to her mental, physical, social, and emotional well being.

Gatekeeping usually best describes folks who are not a part of a group getting to decide who is a part of said group. In this example, cis doctors and therapists getting to decide who is trans enough to access medical care they need. This is especially potent when other folks outside the group have easier access to the means than the group being gatekept. Such as when cis women have an easier time accessing HRT than trans women. That doesn't seem to mirror what I'm seeing in Witchblr posts where the word is used.

The power behind gatekeeping requires a level of organization that Witchblr as a community doesn't seem to have. And what's being denied are not things that are vital to folks' material well being but rather recognition and validation. I understand the confusion on some level. When forces with organized power deny folks validation and recognition, it often comes with the denial of material and social goods they need to survive. But the individuals out here writing their blogs largely cannot withhold what is vital and necessary to your continued existence. While we all do better with support, not everyone owes us that support and it requires an exchange to make it sustainable. Reading someone's work, even regularly, doesn't fit the bill. In my book, if you're in need of validation and support, you go to those people who already do or cultivate new reciprocal relationships with people who will.

The few cases where I've seen gatekeeping used to describe intracommunal affairs is in cases where the community is not equally privileged. And while there are a mix of privileged and marginalized folks in the Witchblr community, as far I can tell there's not a cohesive group that is considered more acceptable by folks outside of Witchblr who, through that acceptability, are shielded from the full weight of community specific oppression and ostracize less acceptable folks from collective resources to maintain that sheild. The closest I've seen to this (that isn't rooted in other intersections of identity) is that folks who who maintain a psychological view - "It's all in our heads but isn't that still real?" - of deities, magic, and divination seem to get a better reception than those who believe in other models and sometimes distance themselves from folks who believe otherwise but even then...doesn't quite fit the bill.

For internet communities in particular, I have a very hard time seeing the structures in place needed to enforce gatekeeping. Someone doesn't agree that you are [insert term]y enough for the [insert term] group they're personally a part of? Well there are likely a bunch more groups already established who would accept you. You also have the power to create, grow, and maintain your own. You have both resources and agency.

What I think Witchblr's usage of gatekeeping more often speaks to is many folks crave the validation of other people. They stake their worth and well being on disproving people. When someone says "you're not a witch if you don't do xyz" = they don't stop to think about what power that person has over their power or their practice. They just react. Someone is wrong on the internet and it's perceived as a threat.

Part of the issue is that Witchblr has a tendency toward projecting a practice rather than actually practicing. It's been my experience that when you spend more of your time doing your practice and you have a deep sense of your foundations - whether someone agrees with you or not quickly becomes irrelevant. What so many of the conversations on gatekeeping show me is that many folks do not have a strong enough foundation in what they believe and what they practice to understand who they are and what's relevant to them. They're filling that void with external validation.

Where Witchblr's "gatekeeping" usage becomes outright destructive or even dangerous is with it's continual insistence that people articulating positions well grounded in research and primary records are some how gatekeeping other people they don't agree with. Previous education does help but acting like every person who can defend their positions with source texts automatically has a degree or several is weirdly classist to me.

I went to rural schools the vast majority of my life. I have multiple learning disabilities, struggled hard, and never completed a college degree despite attempting twice. Money and my health stopped me. I was working class and now unemployed. I did not have internet at home for most of my adult life (and only part of my childhood). Like I am so close to the examples I see thrown around in these conversations and yet I have been told that by citing reliable sources that I'm elitist and classist.

Something we don't talk enough about as a community is that expertise has a lot less to do with privilege and a lot more to do with sacrifice. I chose to spend what free time I could practicing and researching. I could have spent that time watching Netflix, hanging out with friends, going hiking, etc. While it was also out of poverty, I chose not to accumulate things in my home that would take a lot of time to care for. I had a second hand hospital mattress on the floor and that was it - that was a sacrifice of comfort. I did not have a pet for the majority of the time I did my most intense studying so I could focus on my work - that was sacrifice. I did not have internet at home, largely because I couldn't afford it, but I embraced it as it created the ability to download a work at a public connection and take it home and sit with it deeply so that I couldn't reach out for other people's comments to filter it through. I only maintained romantic relationships that were low energy input and were thus less satisfying or close so that I could focus on my work - that was a sacrifice.

All this is to say - you don't see half the sacrifices people who have a level of expertise make. There's an assumption of ease where there absolutely should not be one. No one is asking you to sacrifice like that. No one is saying you're lesser for not making that sacrifice. What folks are saying is respect the sacrifices they made to get the knowledge they're trying to share with you. They're often trying to give you what they had to pay with a good chunk of their lives for. Take it or leave it, don't attack them. It is not gatekeeping to recognize that, where spirituality overlaps with history and other topics, there are correct answers that can be found if you look. That's just reality.

Also learning on your own is not the same as having access to an education or to the internet even. Our ancestors did not always have people to study from. Practices like spirit work, divination, and magic developed independently all over the world. There were plenty of interrupted lineages in there too. I think people forget that you can learn these skills through experimentation and observation. People literally can't keep you from this path of learning. Whether you choose to take it is up to you. Whether it's worth the sacrifice - only you can say.

So vast majority of ways I’m seeing people use the word gatekeeping just do not meet the criteria. Watering that word down robs it of it’s ability to name a very specific threat which is especially damaging to use trans folks who use it to call out medical discrimination. The vast majority of instances I see it used in are where someone is expressing an opinion. They may be wildly off base but as long as they’re not spreading truly harmful ideologies, they're entitled to it. Different opinions are not gatekeeping - they’re a natural part of any community and we have to have a level of tolerance for that. That discomfort you feel is an invitation to meet your shadow, understand your discomfort, and prioritize what actually moves your practice forward.

#waking witchblr #witchblr #shadow work #gatekeeping #discrimination #I'm always so worried posting stuff like this #but seriously watering down this language is actively harmful #to trans folks in particular #I get some folks may not have known #and that's totally okay #we all grow and learn

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transallymama · 3 years

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The Gender Spectrum: Making the Case to Cisgender People - Part 1: Learn

Introduction

I wish I could write just one paragraph on this topic, and call it done. Because it is a simple concept: accept other people for who they are without judgement, and let them live their lives in peace and according to their own values and goals. However, I am seeing a lot of misunderstanding on the gender spectrum and transgender equality, and it is going to require further discussion to help us all be more educated on the matter. Thus, I have written this essay, broken into parts for focus and ease of digestion. Allow me to explain all the nuances of transgender equality, as succinctly and compassionately (for all parties) as possible.

Essay Contents (the details are subject to change since I am currently still writing):

Part 1: Cisgender Emotional Response and the Quest for Knowledge

Part 2: Terms and Definitions

Part 3: The Gender Spectrum

Part 4: Identity, Broadly Speaking

Part 5: Judgmental Thinking, Broadly Speaking

Part 6: Personal Liberty and Gender Expression

Part 7: Dispelling Common Gender Myths

Part 8: Common Sense Rules of Etiquette

Part 1: Cisgender Emotional Response and the Quest for Knowledge

My name is Erin. I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, and a daughter. I chose those gender-specific words because they match my gender identity. I was born as female, and I identify as female. But this is not everyone’s story. Not everyone’s gender identity fits neatly into a little box labeled “female” or “male.” (I will get to the explanation of how this can all make sense for you, but stick with me.) If you’re like me, that is cisgender (meaning you identify as the gender which matches your biological sex), then I hope you’ll read what I have to say. You might need to hear from someone like yourself to really start to understand why transgender rights is so important in our times - and beyond just understanding it, to become an advocate for the greater LGBTQ community and help others who might be (either intentionally or inadvertently) continuing to harass, berate, and marginalize a group of people already experiencing deep-seated, systemic, and pervasive discrimination. Truly, they need our support!

If you are frustrated or uncomfortable with the topic of transgender equality and the gender spectrum, it is likely because you lack clarity on the issues and/or personal connection to the LGBTQ community. Your best response to these feelings is to 1) acknowledge them, 2) check that your emotional response is not harming others, and 3) learn more about the topic.

First then, before we get into the details on the gender spectrum, I would like to address and acknowledge your feelings. Most importantly, I would like you to acknowledge your feelings on the topic. Phrases such as transgender, the gender spectrum, and gender non-binary might feel confusing or frustrating to you, alienating, foreign, scary, weird, off-putting, uncomfortable. You might feel defensive about making mistakes regarding one’s gender identity because it’s a hot topic, and you feel like you’re trying to be respectful, but you just don’t fully understand it. Your feelings are valid! You are entitled to be shocked and bewildered by novel concepts. We, as humans, fear the unknown; it’s in our DNA. New ideas are scary. Change is freaking hard.

So let’s all feel validated in our emotional reaction. But we must recognize that those feelings are on us. They are our responsibility to work through, and we shouldn’t expect LGBTQ folks to fix it for us or make it less confusing. And we definitely must not discriminate against them or treat them differently from anyone else just because we don’t understand their circumstances. We cannot let our confused (and for some, even hate-filled) emotional response further disrupt the treacherous road for transgender people by spreading hate, misinformation, phobias, and bigotry. We are each responsible for doing the necessary work to better understand this marginalized group.

Let me be clear - I’m not placing blame on any one individual. I’m not here to “out” you or shame you for your beliefs if you’ve had any negative or judgmental thoughts about transgender folks. But I absolutely do think it is every cisgender person’s responsibility to help right the wrong that our society has done to transgender people. And that’s the whole point of why I’m writing about this. I want to appeal to your sense that loving your neighbor makes the world a better place, even if your neighbor is completely different from you. Even if they are transgender. And even if you have never met a transgender person - you probably will at some point, and my goal is to help you accept them, advocate for them, before you even meet.

I implore all of us to respond to our own uninformed perspective with acknowledgment of our lack of information. We’re all so addicted to blasting our staunch opinions nonstop onto social media that we don’t stop and ask ourselves what we know about a topic before expressing our very formed opinion on the matter. We all need to be saying more often: “I don’t have an opinion on that because I don’t really know much about it.” How refreshing would it feel to hear people reserve judgement and admit lack of insight? Furthermore, one’s opinion means absolutely nothing if it is solely driven by emotion. Opinions ought to have a foundation of information and facts.

Consider this scenario for a moment: You have a toothache. You tell your best friend, who looks in your mouth, and proclaims: “You have a cavity! I’m sure of it.” Do you believe them? If your friend is a dentist, maybe you can count on their expertise to provide an opinion of value. But if your friend isn’t a dentist, then he or she is - they are - merely speaking with an uninformed opinion. Ask yourself: “Do I listen to people who speak with uninformed opinions?” I certainly hope we would all trust a dentist to advise us on our tooth health over a non-dentist best friend. But at least, if we listened to the non-dentist, we wouldn’t be willfully enabling the discrimination of an entire group of people. Unfortunately, trusting our own uninformed opinion on transgender folks is, in fact, doing great harm to other people, and we need to start looking at our own words and actions in this way, especially if you have ever shared something online that could be considered anti-LGBTQ.

Knowledge is power because it is the antidote to fear and ignorance. If our goal is to feel less afraid, less uncomfortable, to change our negative emotion to a positive one, then our response should be to start learning. Learn! Find someone who you can talk to openly about gender issues. Ask questions. Listen. Be respectful. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone directly, then read about it. Read stories about trans people written by trans people. Watch documentaries about LGBTQ teens, told from their perspective and in their words. Learn about families with two dads. Make sure you’re reading the accounts as told by the people themselves and not a cisgender perspective because it might be skewed or have a motive beyond simply sharing a story. Have an open mind to the notion that your current stance on this matter might not be best for humanity. That’s okay because we all have the capacity to evolve and change our minds!

At this point, you might be wondering why a cisgender woman is writing on this topic. Please consider me a bridge - a bridge from a place where transgender seems alien to the point of confusion and even fear, to the other side where you are starting to understand the gender spectrum and ready to start reading and learning from LGBTQ people themselves. I’m just gearing you up for the real deal. One step at a time. Here we go!

(Stay tuned for Part 2!)

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kamari333 · 4 years

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I had to actually look back to see if I made any tumblr posts about these guys. I couldn’t find any??? So I guess this is my oppertunity to scream about these absolute fucking bastards.

Now. Um. Forewarning: I don’t actually know a lot about the original dreamtale. Or, I don’t keep up with it, at least. I read the first origin comic (and a bit of the cream ship comic) one time a while ago and... i dunno. found it lacking? I liked the premise but there was something distinctly missing in it for me. So these headcanons are more like an AU (an AU of an AU, surprise surprise, I’m on my shit again XD) that I thought up to help me enjoy the concept more when writing it. I’ve been calling it ‘Dr33mtal3’ in my head, but a friend named it ‘Dryad Dreamtale’ so either of those names work.

So. Dream and Night are tree spirits shaped like skeletons, born of the tree of duality to be its guardians. They were made to be more like monsters to better protect the tree and put its power to use.

Now, plants and gods (and especially god-plants) have very different ideals, morals, and expectations than mortals and humans and monsters. Dream and Night are half plant/god, but they are also half monster/mortal, so they cannot relate entirely to their tree mom or completely understand her. Likewise, she could not completely understand them. Thus, the twins understandably had a stressful, dysfunctional childhood and have long lasting mommy/daddy issues.

They also suffer from significant other kinds of trauma inflicted on them by their villager guardians.

So they are both psychologically fucked up.

They both have “wings” and “tentacles” but Night hides his wings and Dream hides his tentacles. Night’s wings are smaller than Dreams.

they aren’t actually tentacles though. they are roots and vines. because they are tree spirits. using those roots/vines, they can directly soak up energy and water. likewise, the “feathers” on their wings are actually leaves (except near the base and ridges, which are more like flower petals). they use these leaves to breathe in ambient emotions.

when injured, they bleed resin. that goop on nightmare? excess sap/resin he’s overgenerating thanks to consuming so many apples.

usually only strong internal emotions would make them do that. its only because of such strong internal emotions that nightmare continues to do that even after a thousand years.

i think that, being plants (which are terribly spiteful and innovative creatures) night and dream can control the consistency and nature of their sap and resin. dream keeps his sweet and sugary at all times, but nightmare switxhes between spicy-like-ghost-pepper-in-the-face caustic and rubber, and mild maple syrup, depending on his mood and how much he wants the person he is touching to hurt.

i think that dream is both terribly selfish and painfully selfless all at once, both kind and cruel. i think he is a very seelie fae who will never break a promise, but will not let you go unpunished for breaking yours. i think he has no problem breaking your legs if it means saving you from something else. dream will happily beat someone within an inch of their life, then nurse them back to health, if he thinks for a moment it is for the greater good.

nightmare goes to great lengths to make people hate him. at the end of the day he is as disgusted with himself as anyone else, but he does it and will keep doing it because if no one fears him, they will destroy him. nightmare is a terrible unseelie fae, but he will never speak an untrue word or break an oath once struck. it is not in his nature. he will rule with an iron fist, but he is just as capable of selflessness as he is of cruelty.

i think dream is so concerned with the big picture he sometimes forgets little details. i think he is the type to take in strays before he has a home to keep them in. he befriends ink and ink makes him a multiverse home to keep his people safe in. dream then takes it upon himself to make sure it stays operational, despite eventually accumulating a city’s worth of people in what was originally a 4 bedroom townhouse. lucky him that ink has his back, continually expanding as needed.

i think nightmare is far more artistic and clever than folks give him credit for. i think he enjoys making things. i think he is the type of man to take great pride in building everything he has himself. his castle is made out of his own power: stone made of his own resin, hardened into amber; wood grown from his own bones; tapestries woven of textiles made from his own leaves, pets, and processed wood. his castle of black amber is constructed of his own blood, sweat, and tears, lovingly handcrafted art for him to live in. all natural. all his. (such a shame he never got around to furnishing all of it, having only enough time and drive to do the first floor with how long handweaving the carpets took; such a shame no one noticed or cared because the fear for their lives overshadowed any awe they could have had upon seeing the delicate craftsmanship of the arching ceilings and looming statues).

i think dream and night both love fresh water and sunlight. they get incredibly sleepy if its too hot or too cold. they are terrified of fire, squirrels, fungi, and insects. they dont like birds much either. they easily get jealous of other plants (comically so, to the point of sassing or threatening or passive-aggressively insulting non-sapient rose bushes or fica or succulents they come into contact with). they are scared of mistletoe (being a plant that eats other plants, kinda).

i hc that dream with faint dead on his feet if he gets too scared, and nightmare screams like a white girl in a horror movie.

i like to think that because they are trees, they have a “season” (like heat, but for trees) where they are very pro-affection. their leaves turn pink and they involuntarily cover themselves in pink pollen that drives nearby creatures’ libido into overdrive. neither brother likes this, so when their season hits they hide away so nobody notices (night because he does not want to seem weak, dream because he does not want to inconvenience anyone else).

i like to headcanon that a holdover from their human attributes means each brother can only formulate one set of sex organs. i’ll give you a hint: nightmare is trans in my hc (be gay do crime). he takes great pains to make sure nobody knows this.

i like to think that both brothers hide all of this, hide all of their tree-ness as best they can, and instead hide behind the aspects of being an angel and a tentacle abomination in order to throw off anyone who might look for weaknesses. so nobody knows what they really are.

These are all superficial HCs of course. The big thing is that i wanted their natures to be... more complicated than simply good and evil. They believe and say that they are guardians of positivity and negativity (and in a way thats true), but only in its most simplistic of forms.

Dream is the aspect of Giving: he radiates pollen and magical influence to embue those around him with his power. He can give them emotions. He eats positivity, thats what sustains him, but his power is to give. He could just as easily give his people bad feelings as good ones (not that he knows this). However, Dream only knows and cares about giving positivity. So he does. He leaves his magic and influence on the souls of anyone who will give him the oppertunity, and once the door is open, he will continually feed them his power to make them happy. He will eat/breathe that happiness, converting it to energy, perpetuating the cycle.

But unmitigated mania has its drawbacks. There is a price to be paid in the end.

Nightmare is the aspect of Taking. He takes and takes, taking the emotions and energy of others for himself. He can even take the entropy out of an injury to heal a wound. Nightmare can take positivd feelings out of others, but for some reason his body doesn’t like him doing that and makes him sick/hurt. He has a much easier time taking negativity, draining away the hurt and fear and exhaustion, leaving a calming emptiness behind. Nightmare cannot process or use everything he takes for himself, needing to expell it as a waste product. He converts negative feelings (and the wasted energy disipated through entropy) into energy, which lets him continue his taking.

You cannot fill a hole that is already filled, after all. You must empty it first.

These two aspects are neither good nor evil in and of themselves. There are good and bad things about them. But these aspects have been oversimplified and misinterpreted by those around the twins that even they themselves do not fully understand what it is that they are.

and i think a story about them coming to understand themselves would be so much more interesting than a simple story of good vs evil.

#kamari333answers #kamari333headcanon #dr33mtal3

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portable-wing-wang · 4 years

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Gender, Sexuality & Me

Right, here goes.

I've never properly talked about my gender or sexuality on here and feel as if I need to clear things up for friends, family and even myself.

Of course I'm very gender positive, I think everyone should explore themselves thoroughly in order to better understand their place in this world. What I experience will be different from other people and I may even disagree with others who share my experience as everyone is different. Just good to clear the air before we continue.

My name is Will(iam) Kirton. I was born at 1:04 AM on the 10th of April 2000. I was born with male attributes and was such designated a "boy". I have little problem with this. A baby knows itself very little and cannot comprehend itself properly and so adults assign labels which, for the most part, do help with development as a child is introduced to social spaces (schools etc.).

When young, gender means little and so I thought little of it. I never felt apart or different from my schoolmates. I did however feel uncomfortable and didn't know why. Constantly feeling as if I wasn't explaining myself properly and getting confused easily. I was bullied for this by many of the other boys and when trying to defend myself, I was made an outcast. This led to me to very female dominated spaces.

I tried my hardest to join the other boys (as I thought I was supposed to) but time and time again, I'd be pushed away. I did, however, make good friends with a few boys a couple of which I'm still friends with today. But my fondest memories come from my friendships with the girls and how they shaped me as a person.

I didn't know it then but through them I began to question myself, sub-conciously at first but very soon after it started to dominate my thinking. By the age of 14 I knew something was off for sure, but I didn't know what, so I started researching to find an answer.

First, I started to look at trans-folk and see how they saw it."Trans," Such an illusive word. To me it seemed so simple to begin with. Someone wanted to be something else because they felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable. "Maybe there's something in this?" I thought, so I kept digging here and there with little motivation until I was about 15 when GCSEs took over and I didn't have time to think about it much until the summer of 2016. The thoughts came back in a big way. Why? I started going to parties.

Now it may seem a little silly but getting drunk and forgetting to hide myself allowed me to express myself in ways I'd never had the chance to before. Mannerisms began to appear that I wasn't controlling intentionally. I started speaking differently, stopped feeling like I had to explain myself and started having fun. This was the next big step of my self-discovery.

I then started playing DnD. Now, laugh if you wish but I had a human bard character names Steve who I categorized as a projection of myself if a little exaggerated. While playing as Steve, those mannerisms I gained started to take over even when sober. This was the last proof I needed to know I was queer but I didn't know what labels to use. I settled with saying I just had "queer tendencies" and left it at that but I still felt uncomfortable when I wasn't playing Steve.

So, I'm definitely queer, that's for sure but what kind?

I'm researching properly now. And not just gender, but sexuality as well. Bi, pan, gay, ace, etc.. I looked up everything and kept finding new labels. To help ease my brain, I focused on sexuality first. I knew I liked girls but I also liked boys however both in different ways. I timidly said I was bi for a couple years and then came out properly soon after my 18th birthday. I felt comfortable. For now . . .

I was still, however, confused. I couldn't work out whether I was a boy or a girl and it kept making everything else seem so confusing. At this point (16 or so) most of my good friends were male, I was decent at sports and I had a big ol' bass voice. BOY, right?

But there was something still bugging me.

I couldn't figure it out. Not until the summer before Uni, something slipped into place. I had completed my A Levels, I was out as bi, my shitty friends had left me, all was good. Wrong. I was more tense than ever. All I could think about was gender. Gender this, gender that. Constantly thinking, even with the distraction of the Edinburgh Fringe. I was also listening to a lot of Steam Powered Giraffe who, of course, have a trans woman playing the "Rabbit" character. I was obsessed. I wanted to find out everything about her and luckily, she posted a whole set of videos cataloguing her transition and thoughts all the way through. Finally, someone was essentially saying to me clearly what "trans" actually meant. Things began to make sense. I knew then that I was probably not cis but i didn't really feel comfortable saying I was "fully" trans, if you get my meaning.

But then I went to Uni. I finally had a chance to express myself freely and boy oh boy, did I do just that. I became so much more feminine than I ever had been in my life. It was so freeing. But I still didn't feel trans.

Then, someone introduced me to the concept of being "non-binary". A new term. I hadn't heard of it before. Is it like being trans? Or something completely different. I dived in head-first and came out the other end with even more answers but so many more questions.

Finally, I took the plunge (I'm sorry for so many swimming metaphors).

One evening in February 2019 after Uni I was in the loo before a musicals rehearsal. I hadn't felt well all day and was wearing something particularly feminine and caught myself in the mirror. I studied myself for a good few minutes. Each detail, each curve, how my body felt and looked in the clothes I was wearing. I stood there staring. Luckily no one walked in on me.

And something just clicked. After so many years of worrying and tensing, I finally understood. I was genderqueer.

Now, I should explain (here I go again), I didn't just decide then and there. I few months prior, my new uni friend "tom" (she goes by a different name now) had introduced me to a youtuber called Contrapoints. Before anyone says anything, I know she's caused a lot of discourse but I don't feel as if this is the right time to make any cases. Anyway, she didn't used to be openly trans and used to go by the label genderqueer. At the time, she made a very comprehensive video explaining what is and what it meant for her.

It intrigued me so, naturally, I did some more research and found that it fit my situation quite adequately but I didn't feel comfortable falling myself "genderqueer" yet either.

For those who don't know, genderqueer is an umbrella term for a wide range of traits which are either predominantly female, male or androgynous. It doesn't necessarily have a perfect definition and can be different for anybody who identify themselves as such.

My own genderqueerness could be described as a complete rejection of the male binary and so I carry more female and androgynous traits. This affects the way I speak, move my body, dress and my perspective on greater society. I also experience gender dysphoria. Now, to some, this would mean I was most likely just trans and using this a stopping-point before going further. This I feel is not the case. Whilst I am made uncomfortable by my flat chest, copious hair and broad shoulders, I do not feel the same about my genitalia or Adam's apple.

There are also more political connotations with the term genderqueer over non-binary. Genderqueer is a lot more aggressive but it gets the point across more clearly but I wouldn't say I wasn't non-binary. In fact, I think they're one and the same in practice but I do use my identity as a statement and so the genderqueer label feels more appropriate.

So yeah, I came out as genderqueer that February evening. First to my partner, then my friends and only now, almost a year later, am I attempting with my family.

I am so much happier for it too. I kept myself hidden for so long and have only now started to just accept myself and give in to the voice in my head telling me to let go. I'm much more relaxed too. Since coming out and using more neutral and even feminine pronouns, my dysphoria has become less of an issue. I still get it and I have bad days of course but for the first time in a long time, things are looking up.

I can't change the world, but I've been able to find myself in it more clearly and that helps a bunch.

TL;DR: I'm genderqueer. I'm bisexual. I've been out for a considerable time now and feeling better because of it.

Anyway, if you did read the whole thing, thank you. I'm not saying this'll be the same forever but this is me now and I'm still breathing so come get me world!

Feel free to reblog this, I hope it helps others realise themselves too.

#me #portable wing wang #queer #genderqueer #nonbinary #bisexual #lgbtqia+#rant #sorry it was long

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altik-0 · 4 years

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Personal Revelation

I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to write this post, but my mind has felt like it's tumbling around a washing machine and trying to figure out how to straighten my thoughts into a coherent message has felt impossible. But I'm driving myself crazy continuing to hold off on saying something, so I'm going to just rip off the bandage now, and we can talk in more depth after the cut.

Hi! 👋 I'm Asexual and Aromantic! Let's talk about it.

Where to even start

This month has been a fucking trip.

On the one hand, this has been the fourth month of nearly continuous quarantine for the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other, the end of May was the spark that began a wildfire of protests against police brutality that have swept across the country, including the seemingly milquetoast land of Salt Lake City. I found myself simultaneously figuring out the umpteenth way to keep myself entertained while being in home nearly uninterrupted for over 90 days, while also desperately searching for the courage to exit my home and join the marches against injustice.

And in the background of all of this, it was Pride Month.

On the 12th, a Youtube creator I follow released a video about their experience discovering themselves as non-binary. You should watch it, but what is important for the sake of this post is that the bulk of the video is an asynchronous telling of various moments throughout their life that, in reflection, show them that "[they] were who [they] are now, back then". These moments form a tapestry that tell a story of self discovery, and the result is incredibly powerful.

They released a rough cut about a week earlier for Patreon supporters, and I was immediately transfixed. I watched it three times in a row on the first day it was uploaded. I watched it twice more after the release. Hell, when I pulled this video up now to get the share link I couldn't help but sit and watch through it all over again.

At first I didn't really know why I felt so attached to this piece in particular. Yet still, I spent multiple nights laying awake for hours in what felt like a dreamlike haze at the time. It took three nights like this for me to realize I had spent all this time reflecting on my own past moments, and revisiting them through the lens this video had shared with me.

How I got here

It is September 2005. I am currently at a school dance. I know I am supposed to be finding someone to dance with and enjoy that for some reason, but all I want to do is go home. I might consider mustering up some courage and just asking someone, anyone, to dance, if it weren't for the fact that I still didn't have any friends. Instead, I feel trapped, wandering up and down the side wall, waiting for it to be over so I can finally leave. I stumble across a small group also sitting on the sides; a girl reading manga, and another playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with a boy across from her. I approach: "I didn't realize anyone still played this" They invite me to join, and soon I find myself with genuine friends at school for the first time in years. I never think about asking someone to dance again.

It is the summer of 2017. I am at a bar with some coworkers at the end of the week. I don't drink, but I've opened myself up to joining people for happy hour because it feels like a good way to socialize, and I've genuinely enjoyed getting to know folks. My team lead makes a comment that he feels it's impossible for a man and a woman to ever have a friendly relationship without having some element of sexual tension between them. I rebuff this comment -- initially I feel a sense of feminist frustration at the concept, as if it is implicitly saying that men and women should not work together. As the conversation continues, I realize the real reason I feel so sure this is wrong is because I have never felt this way toward anyone I've worked with.

It is the summer of 2008. I am in church, listening to the new instructor for my Sunday school class shift the discussion towards politics. Since he began, every lesson without fail will eventually derail into right-wing screeds. For him, any issue that is even vaguely left-leaning is a potential avenue for Satan to take hold of you: feminism, activism, even environmentalism. But lately he has had a particular fixation on the topic of gay marriage, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Being in these classes, hearing a man in a position of authority repeatedly say "it is not that we shouldn't love these people, but we need to still understand that they are committing a sin" has become physically painful to listen to. Of course, I am not queer, just an ally -- I can only imagine how painful this must be for those who are directly affected. I will nearly pass out from exhaustion and anxiety during sacrament meeting a few hours later.

It is February 2020. I am out to lunch with a friend and coworker. I have just recently changed jobs after less than a year, because I was hopelessly miserable at my last one. It should have been a dream job, marrying two of my closest passions, but instead I felt suffocated by being in a world where everyone seemed indifferent towards me at best, or actively hated me at worst. My friend invited me to join this job, and although it is a miserable job, I find solace in being able to go to lunch and have genuine conversations with someone I get along with. He mentions his wife is pregnant, and the stress of tending for his current child while she is resting. I acknowledge the frustration, though somewhat awkwardly since I am still single. "Oh, yeah, I sometimes forget you aren't married yet, haha. Well, don't worry, you'll get to join in on the fun soon enough!" I want to say "I very much doubt that"; instead I say "Well, I guess we'll see." The conversation does not feel so genuine anymore.

It is January 2009. I am watching House M.D. with my dad. We bond a lot while watching tv. We're both avid fans of MST3K, and we are invariably the obnoxious people in a movie theater a few rows down cracking jokes throughout the film. It feels fun and rebellious, even if we're doing it at home where nobody will be annoyed. This episode starts with Foreman and Thirteen waking up together in bed after clearly spending the night together. My dad cracks a joke about how "they're going to get in trouble, since they aren't married!" I quip back "nah, it's not a big deal, they just slept together, haha." My dad pauses the show and turns to me, deadly serious: "Who told you that was okay?!" I am a deer in headlights. I suddenly realize that I meant "slept together" literally, but nobody else uses it that way. I don't understand how I missed that.

It is October 2010. I am at home, speaking with my mother after coming home from school. She has always been a political firebrand, and especially after I left the church and started college the two of us have connected on this a lot. She has just read an article that mentioned the expanded acronym "LGBTQIA", and says she doesn’t know what all the "I" and "A" refer to. I don't yet know what the "I" refers to, but I suggest the "A" is probably for "asexual". She says she hadn't heard of asexuality, though that does make sense. I realize I don't recall hearing about asexuality before either. I don't actually know if anyone identifies like that. It just somehow feels like something that must exist.

It is the spring of 2007. I am at a local game store playing at a Friday Night Magic event for the first time. I suffer from very extreme social anxiety, and I spent the entire week a ball of nervous energy. Despite myself, I have managed to drive myself to the event and register. I have promised myself dozens of times over that I already knew Magic players were people similar to me, so there was no reason to worry. My first match is against someone wearing a frilly dress, cat ears, and tail. She mews at me several times while playing. On the surface I have frozen and only robotically go through motions of playing the game because my anxiety has boiled over to the point that I cannot quite function properly. Inside, I am filled with pure delight at realizing that someone could feel comfortable expressing themselves that openly in a space like this. I eventually become friends with this person who I will later learn is trans -- I had never met a trans person before. I will become close friends with three more trans people, at least two enbies, and countless other queer people over the next decade of playing this wonderful game.

It is November 2019. I am at work, sitting at my desk, feeling completely numb despite starting the day energetic to the point of mania. I've just had an argument with a close friend -- perhaps the closest friend I've ever had -- and it ended... poorly, to put it mildly. So poorly, in fact, that it is safe to say we are just not friends anymore. The reality was that there were always problems between us, and this was a culmination of conflict that never really got effectively resolved. It might not have even been possible to resolve. In the moment, though, I cannot escape the suffocating feeling that I am a failure as a human being; someone who simply does not know how to maintain a relationship. My mind goes through loops of how I could have said something differently to have it end better. The emotional pain will not fully make sense to me until several months later, when I realize this was the closest thing to a break-up that I've ever experienced.

It is January 2012. I am watching House M.D. with my dad again. Since leaving the church, watching shows like this has been a desperate lifeline for our relationship. We don't joke as much anymore. This episode features a side plot with an asexual couple, who House determines is simply impossible, and uses his power of supreme logic to prove the asexuality wasn't real all along. I have heard of asexuality, though I don't know where or when, so I am angry at this. Of course, as an ally. I want to joke with my dad to release some frustration, but he is still in the church, and I don’t think he will empathize. I stay silent, and do not enjoy this episode.

It is December 2019. I am scrolling through a Discord channel I was invited to from one of the leftist creators I follow. This community has been a breath of fresh air in many ways, and one I found surprisingly helpful was an NSFW adult content chat channel where people are open about sex, fetishes, and more. I've considered myself fairly open-minded and sex-positive, but I'm still a virgin at 28 so I've found there is a lot I just don't know about. Today, someone has started a conversation about what qualifies as "taboo" and relating it to kink-shaming. Another member replies, mentioning they are asexual and find the whole notion of taboos being kind of bizarre. My mind reels at seeing someone who identifies as asexual in this chat. Over time I find out there are several other people who identify at least gray-ace in this chat, some who even draw risque artwork for commission. I realize how little I actually understood about what asexuality really was, and begin scouring the internet for articles and wikis on asexuality.

It is April 2010. I am at an Apollo Burger across the street from the local game store where I am playing in a Magic prerelease. My friends I followed over are talking about weekend plans, and one of them makes a joke about doing some chores to butter up his partner to have sex. The joke does not go over my head -- I am straight, and understand sex, even if I am still a virgin -- but I still can't help but think out loud: "You know, I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of sex." The awkwardness and confused looks are suffocating. I drop the topic immediately.

It is June 2020. I have just watched a video from an enby Youtube creator about their experience discovering their own gender identity. Over the next three days I will see every one of these past experiences, along with hundreds of others, flash before my eyes in rapid succession, over and over, until I begin to realize that I haven't allowed myself to truly identify how I do. Every time I asked "am I asexual?" in the past, I would dismiss it because I understood sex and have a sex drive. Once I actually researched asexuality, though, I almost immediately found stories of people who identify as ace and still experience a sex drive. I also discover a lot of stories from aromantic people that sound painfully similar to feelings I hadn't even realized were not the norm. For the first time I begin to realize I may not just be an ally.

So what does this mean

I came to a sense of satisfaction with living alone and single a long time ago. At first this came with a certain level of shame, because I felt like it was only because I was too cowardly to enter the dating scene and try to find a relationship for myself. Over time the impact of the shame diminished, but it never went away; it just became a quiet background noise that I got accustomed to pushing back.

But now that I feel comfortable calling myself "Aromantic", I don't feel any shame. A romantic relationship is simply something I don't need. Instead, I can focus on fostering the kinds of deep relationships that do feed my soul. That will likely be a difficult thing to do -- awkwardly traversing intimacy was something most people worked through as a teenager or young adult, and I'm nearly 30, haha. But it at least feels possible now.

But really the biggest change for me is that I feel like I can be honest and public about who I am in a way I never was before. Simply being open about this piece of my identity somehow feels important if for no other reason than to let other people who felt like I did growing up that they aren't alone.

So... yeah. I'm aroace. And I always have been.

#coming out #aroace #aromantic #asexual #pride #god it's nice to have an emotional post that doesn't need to be tagged as garbage for once

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beyondthetemples-ooc · 4 years

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@astrearl I cut the post, so I really don’t know why it was all still there on your blog, but I don’t want to stretch peoples’ dashes with four essays in a row! So, new post then?

tl;dr I think you’ve confusing an ENBY’S perception of THEMSELF for SOCIETY’S perception. Which, when we’re talking about an INDIVIDUAL’S identity and preferences, shouldn’t really matter at all. Society’s not the be-all end-all of right, correct, and true.

Consensus =/= Reality.

What’s wrong with a novel term sounding like gibberish? The term “nonbinary” may be from the last century, but the concept of gender outside of masculinity and femininity has a LOT of history in other societies! I would encourage you to research what it means to be two-spirited and fa'afafine. These words don’t exist in colloquial language, and yet there ARE words for them in OTHER languages.

English is a very lacking language on this one.

But the lack of terminology DOES NOT indicate a lack of validity. Society’s rules are all arbitrary and made up, too. Putting a dress on doesn’t automatically give someone a typical XX-chromosome’d person’s body parts or mannerisms. Believe me, I know a lot of trans people who would be DELIGHTED if that’s the way it worked. But it doesn’t. Because clothes aren’t INHERENTLY gendered, it’s only peoples’ PERCEPTIONS. Heck, even mannerisms aren’t inherently gendered.

That perception is NOT universal.

It’s a matter of a different perception is all. Nonbinary people, in general, don’t perceive a skirt as being Feminine. Like I said: It’s not about the association with gender for ME, PERSONALLY. It’s about the way it flows! I like to feel the fabric fluttering around my legs! Fuck all with femininity; if they were perceived as masculine, I’d wear them just the same.

I don’t know how to explain to you that society’s perception of gender isn’t the same as an individual’s perception of themself. Society’s perception of a tree as tall doesn’t impact the tiny oak sprout that’s just starting out. Society’s perception of pigeons as ugly doesn’t impact my love for them as pets. Society’s perception of my gender doesn’t determine what my gender actually IS.

I think you might be conflating gender roles (what society says belongs in masculine/feminine categories) with an INDIVIDUAL’S gender. Or perhaps, the observer’s schema with the subject’s identity.

An individual’s identity is NOT determined by what the world interprets!

Enbies aren’t delusional. We know that society, at large, doesn’t even accept that nonbinary is an option. We know that the vast statistical majority is going to see a dress, and make an Automatic Schema Assumption that “that individual must be a woman”.

But it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. People can learn! People can become tolerant! They don’t have to understand it; clearly you’re comfortable in your preferences being associated with femininity, but that ASSOCIATION is just YOURS, and YOURS ALONE.

A lot of people making the same assumption doesn’t automatically make it true or correct.

But you know what they say about assuming, right? (Unless “to assume makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’” is an American one...)

Anyways, that perception is NOT universal! Just because it’s statistically more common doesn’t make it accurate, or any more valid than my own perception of MYSELF. Just because outsiders don’t understand the experience doesn’t make it any less valid. Just because we’re still in the process of developing out own consensus doesn’t mean it isn’t still a real, true expression of who we are. It’s hard to find words for something your language is biased against, you know? That’s why there’s no Official Dictionary. I mean, if you looked in your local library, you might find some of those hard-and-fast definitions you’re looking for. They are going to be from people within the community, though. I don’t know why that’s a bad thing? Just like you’re going to find definitions of two-spirited from Native Americans, and only a Polynesian could tell you what it means to be fa'afafine.

It’s only natural for a community to know its members better than people outside the community! Duh! That’s GUARANTEED. That’s a GIVEN. That’s facts of life! Nobody can talk about what nonbinary means unless you’re actually, you know, nonbinary.

Let me ask you a question: Do you act like you have an English degree? Why or why not? How or how not? Because there isn’t any one way someone with an English degree acts? It’s like that. See, it’s all entirely subjective. Perception is SUBJECTIVE. And that fully includes the perception of the self. It doesn’t HAVE hard-and-fast rules, because you cannot quantify something that can’t be fit on a number line. There are so many factors that go into someone’s Relationship With Gender. But the inclusion of their own thoughts and feelings about themself doesn’t make their experience any less valid.

(As an aside: Note the effortless use of third-person pronouns with nonspecific gender. “They/them” is already entirely valid as a singular third-person pronoun in our colloquial language. People just don’t want to have to think about using it intentionally when they ~assume~ they know someone’s gender. And, you know, people threw fits about “you” being used as a singular second-person pronoun instead of “thou” four centuries ago, and yet, miraculously, somehow /s, I haven’t seen a single person walking around using “thou” colloquially! Could it be because language and perception of words evolves and changes naturally, as a matter of course?)

Someone’s “Gender” is one’s perception of their own relationship to gender. It has nothing to do with presentation or society’s rules, it’s literally ALL perception-- to use your words, “thoughts and feelings”. It’s literally just thoughts and feelings. You can’t evaluate your own experience without thoughts and feelings.

It’d be like asking someone their opinion on the literary merit of Emily Dickenson’s poetry, or their favorite color, and telling them to use society’s answer instead of their own thoughts and feelings. These things AREN’T able to be given hard and fast rules, because there are so many different answers, and so many different ways of perceiving and interacting with the world. And that absolutely, completely includes perception and interaction with gender.

Nonbinary is an umbrella term, my friend, not a diagnosis.

And if you absolutely MUST have those “scientific” standpoints to understand transgenderism, don’t you know that the very same genomes and squishy brain parts impact an enby’s perception of oneself?

Gender doesn’t come in only two flavors, and I mean in the genetic, scientific way. The various genetic markers that form the parts of the brain that create schemas and perceive oneself can be every bit as varied as the parts that process basic arithmetic. There is no two distinct and separate “male brain” and “female brain”. Every study I know since like 2006 that has tried to prove that was debunked. Neurology’s wild, okay, and anyone who tries to reduce the vast variety of human brains into two categories based only on chromosome shape is desperately lacking information on how those chromosomes affect the brain-- and exactly what areas they DON’T.

tl;dr on that, the brain’s perceptions are formed by THOUGHTS and FEELINGS. Not just sensory input, but how one ANALYZES it and the self-talk they employ. Not by genetic markers, but how an individual experiences the world.

And that VERY MUCH includes the way one interacts with gender. How they connect with it. How they see others’ schemas, analyze them, and determine if they fit their perception of themselves or not.

Just like trans folk, enbies have all the same genome sequences and gray matter that’s making them feel that way.

All I’m trying to tell you is, nb folks get offended because people are Making Assumptions instead of just, you know, taking two and a half seconds to ASK.

And then there’s the issue of telling someone that “I identify as nonbinary, could you please use they/them when you’re talking about me?” And then people don’t respect that.

You can’t expect anything but getting offended if someone makes an outright request like that and people don’t respect it.

You don’t have to understand someone to respect them. I don’t understand how the religion of Islam works, and yet I don’t go around calling Muslims Christians. Because they’re just not the same, and it’s in very poor taste to call someone something they’re not. Particularly if they’ve outright Told You.

Not to mention, ALL the issues society has with Gender Roles and how it feeds into Sexism, but that’s a whole new essay.

#gender #nonbinary

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thebiancarivers · 5 years

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What to expect from REAL LIFE

My usual readers know that I recently started going full time. If you are new here, well you can scroll back in time and see my older posts about coming out and such.

What to expect once you consider your coming out done and decide to embrace your feminine self 100% of the time?

It’s time to face reality!

Do not expect everyone to follow the change simply because you decided it was time. Keep in mind that most people are anchored in a binary world and will address you with what is the most obvious to them: your beard shadow, your voice, your Adam’s apple... so if you don’t make your « new gender » reeeeally obvious, do not get mad at the cashier for misgendering you. Just slapping on some lipstick and eyeliner will not cut it most of the time.

You will get misgendered, you will get weird looks, you will fell the embarrassment sometimes... but you will also get genuine smiles, compliments and appreciation as well. Just be grateful when you get positive and appropriate reactions and ignore the rest: no need to torture yourself because some stranger looked at you weird on the bus.

Self-confidence is the key

Learn to trust yourself. Learn to love who you are and what you are. Passing is a nice goal and when it happens, be happy about it. When you get recognized for being trans, do not worry about it! You are who you are. Be proud of it! It will be a lot easier for people to accept you if you look like you fully assume who you are.

Yes we want to be seen as women (or men).

Yes we put a lot of effort to look the ways we want to be seen.

Nonetheless, our image is not what defines who we are. Just accept who you are. When you will be comfortable with yourself, people will be too.

Blowing a fuse won’t do any good

I see a lot of younger folks being super reactive... Stop that!! It’s not helping anyone and nobody listens to people that are kicking and screaming . You will look and be treated like a child throwing a tantrum. I see people getting mad for being misgendered, but they dont present themselves as the gender they want to be.

If you are a teenager and your parents do not get on board with your situation, it can be frustrating. I get that... You have to assume the fact that younger people have usually less credibility. Then, try to put yourself in their shoes for a minute:

What is their cultural background? Super religious and conservative? Open-minded and liberal?

Are you close to them? Do you usually tell them about your problems or you are the kind of teen who tells them they cannot understand what you are going through before hiding in their room?

Did you diagnose your gender dysphoria yourself or did you already go to see a specialist?

Are you the kind of kid who changes hobby every week, while managing to convince their parents to spend the required amount of money on it?

How did you introduce the situation? Did you build the story gradually or you have simply thrown it out there as a big surprise?

And as I often say: the mental work you have accomplished to get to the point of coming out has to be done by everyone you tell as well. Nobody will do it at the same speed and not everyone is ready to do it right away.

It’s not because people are mean. It’s simply because society is still very binary and attached to the typical gender stereotypes. You can’t expect everyone to be aware all of a sudden just because you are. Especially if you are non-binary... most languages are gendered. Most languages do not have a gender-neutral pronoun. And let’s be honest: some people have a very confusing gender expression.

Gender expression vs Gender perception

I have recently seen an interview with a queer poet that was very interesting. But as interesting as she was, she was definitely confusing, even to me. I understand that she identifies as a girl, I understand that she likes wearing dresses and high heels... But she is not on HRT and she is also sporting a full beard. I have nothing against that, don’t get me wrong, but for most people, she is simply a dude (probably gay, because... which straight guy would do something like that, right?) in a dress,

You can live your gender expression the way you see fit, the way that makes you feel good about yourself. At the end of the day, we do that to be happy with ourselves, not to make other people happy. But don’t forget that the way you express yourself (and it applies to EVERY form of communication as well) will always be interpreted by the people around you. If you are not clear enough, expect people to misinterpret your message: they are seeing it through a binary education, a binary language and a bunch of gender-based prejudice. If your message is “I AM A GIRL” and getting misgendered is really painful for you... make sure you make a statement that is crystal clear.

I really hope this post can help you being more comfortable with yourself and society in general. Feel free to tell me what you think about the matter in the comments, I would really enjoy having a discussion about it and see different points of view.

#trans #transitioning #transisbeautiful #trans is beautiful #trans is valid #trans issues #trans advice #coming out tips #being trans

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nerdygaymormon · 6 years

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Of all sexual orientations, the bisexual population experiences the highest rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.Bisexual females exhibit the highest suicide scores. Bisexual girls are the most vulnerable, with nearly 48 percent saying they had considered taking their own lives...Bisexual individuals also reported higher rates of mental illness...Only about 28% of bisexuals say all or most of the important people in their life know they are bisexual. By comparison 70-80% of gay and lesbian participants say all or most of the important people in their life know they are homosexual.

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Media

Representation matters. It sounds trite, but it’s true...Bisexuals are often portrayed as greedy, selfish, hypersexualized people due to the fact our sexual orientations are not exclusive to one gender.

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Passing Privilege

Passing privilege is the idea that when people interact with you on a regular basis they assume you are either heterosexual or homosexual—heterosexual being the more privileged of the two. Passing privilege, like the trans experience of passing privilege, is a two-edged sword. Passing privilege also comes with erasure...

Bisexuality comes with the trauma of being homosexual with the bonus of being told that because you have “hetero-passing privilege” your trauma isn’t worth acknowledgment or treatment... The reality is my “passing privilege” is not my privilege—it’s my bi erasure.

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Friendships

I cannot tell you how many friends I have lost over the years due to being openly queer...If our friendship was contingent on my staying in the closet, perhaps it’s not a friendship I should want to continue. However, that doesn’t change the fact that it hurts deeply to lose friends I’ve had for years.

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Sexual Assault and Consent

According to the findings in Victimization by Sexual Orientation Survey, in comparison to heterosexual women, bisexual women are 2x’s as likely to experience sexual assault and 3x’s as likely to be raped. Bisexual women have a 46.1% chance of being forcibly raped. This rate is 2.6x’s higher than straight women and 3.5x’s higher than lesbian women.

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Never Queer Enough

Bisexuals are often perceived as not being “queer enough”...Bisexuals are only “half queer”...

I’m not 50% straight and 50% gay. This assumption causes a lot of stress to bisexuals because it assumes we don’t fully belong in either category... This is why bisexuals are often perceived as never “gay enough” and never “straight enough”... In fact, it leads many bisexuals to believe we don’t belong anywhere. Our hetero-privilege keeps us feeling just enough guilt to refrain from expressing the trauma induced by homophobia, biphobia, and monosexism...

We bear the burden of homophobia, biphobia, oppositional sexism, monosexism, misogyny, and traditional sexism. On top of that, because many of us are attracted to trans, non-binary, and intersex folks, we aren’t trusted or taken seriously because our orientation doesn't exclude any gender. This is monosexism. It means that persons sexually attracted to only one gender are somehow superior to persons attracted to multiple or all genders.

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Sexual Fluidity

I’m not certain as to where this attitude came from, but there is a notion that sexuality is fixed because you were “born that way”...

There have been times in my life I thought I was exclusively homosexual, and other times I thought I was exclusively heterosexual. During these times I wasn’t confused about what I wanted sexually. I knew quite well what I wanted. My wants simply changed. While I certainly don’t presume sexual fluidity as a universal phenomenon or a reason to impose conversion therapy onto fixed homosexuals, I do think sexually fluid bisexuality is just as legitimate of an orientation as fixed monosexuality...

I like what I like, when I like it. That doesn’t mean I always get what I want, but it also doesn’t mean I’m confused about what I want. It means my sexuality is fluid. I’m adaptable and my sexual attraction is not limited to a fixed type of genitalia. Granted, some bisexuals are more fluid than others. It is not my intention to suggest that all bisexuals are as fluid as myself. I also do not intend to convey that I think sexual fluidity is better than sexually fixed orientations.

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Sexism

There have been many books written on sexism, misogyny, gender supremacy, and patriarchy, so I will not elaborate much here. However, it is worth noting that sexism and misogyny is a lived experience queer women face in addition to the queerphobia we are confronted with.

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Religion and Theology

Asking me to choose between my Mormonism and sexual orientation is to strip me of essential aspects of my sense of self. It is quite literally an existential death. If I cannot be queer and Mormon here on earth, nor in the eternities, what I’m really hearing is there is no way for me to authentically exist...Furthermore, if there is such a thing as being Mormon and queer on earth it has been made clear by ecclesiastical authority that I cannot be queer and sealed to my loved ones in the highest degree of celestial glory.

It hurts. It hurts deeply...

My LDS community has taught me that the words “I love you” are often followed by a kick to the ribs. They kindly whisper “We all have trials” as the back of their hand bruises my cheek... Jesus said to turn the other cheek and I do my best to follow that teaching, but at some point a girl must move out of the line of fire. I never knew the words “I love you” could cause so much pain, trauma, and PTS... I no longer want to hear the words “I love you” from a general authority—those words are poison. They would love us to death.

The prevailing message is “You don’t exist in this world or in the next. Your best option is to die and hope to be greeted by a merciful God who will change you into something you’re not. Suicide will only be your first death, God’s transfiguration of your body and soul into a ‘perfected celestial being’ will be your second death. Then you will truly no longer exist.”

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Community

Identity is a symbiotic formation. We are intimately bound to our perceptions of each other and we are shaping and being shaped in a reciprocal process of becoming...

In short, bisexual women do not see themselves reflected in their community. If humans are social creatures, which I believe we are, this problem is more than an existential threat of her identity. It is the existential death of her identity.

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Hope

I have a family. The acceptance I receive from my family, particularly my husband and my sister, is life-saving... “Am I willing to live for my children?” For me, the answer is “yes.”

I have friends. While some of them don’t really understand what I’m experiencing, they are willing to listen. They aren’t perfect, but neither am I.

I have activism...My voice. My journal. My experience. My pen. The continuation of my existence is my activism. Activism need not be epic to be influential. Existing is a good start. They will never accept us if they don’t have to look at us.

I have God. Others are free to mock me for my belief in God, but God is useful and powerful for me. God, even as a fiction, can be inspiring. If you don’t love your God, consider telling yourself a new story, a better fiction... No one knows a damn thing about God, so if your God isn’t bringing you joy and happiness, give yourself permission to liken the scriptures to yourself.

I have hope...I hope for change. Even if it is a false hope, it’s a hope that keeps me living.

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As members of the queer community, we can change the statistics. Be the author of your story. Defy the statistics by flourishing.

#tw suicide #bisexual #queer mormon #queerstake #blaire ostler

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sharionpage · 6 years

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15 Ways To Be More Inclusive

A dear friend of mine was recently called to her Stake Young Women presidency. She asked for my suggestions on how she and other leaders could be more inclusive of Young Women and LGBTQ+ youth. With the help of some of my peers and friends, I complied a list of practical ways LDS leaders can be more inclusive. Even if you don’t have a calling with a lot of influence on policy, please consider how you can help in whatever capacity you can.

1. Educate Yourself on the Latest Developments

Go to mormonandgay.lds.org and learn for about the latest teachings from the Church.

“What is changing – and what needs to change – is to help church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other church members or elsewhere.” —President Dallin H. Oaks

2. Create Space for Honest Discussion

Make spaces for honest discussions where Young Women and LGBTQ+ youth can share their unique experiences and testimonies without negative backlash. Include nuance and understanding that everyone is different, and we don’t always have to think or testify the same way. Allow them to share their feelings, struggles, questions, and concerns without immediately correcting or stifling them. Validate their existence as a child of God by affirming their authentic experiences.

Be willing to listen to the youth. They have genuine and important experiences to share.

3. Say Heavenly Parents

Say Heavenly Parents as much as possible. It is one of the most authentically Mormon ways to include Heavenly Mother. The ultimate of goal of Mormon theology is to become our Heavenly Parents. By leaving the trajectory open to diverse experiences, genders, identities, and family structures, Young Women and LGBTQ+ youth can more fully see that they too are made in the image of God and eternal families are diverse.

4. Acknowledge LGBTQ+ Youth

Latest studies and surveys estimate that roughly 5% of the population is LGBTQ+. That means that roughly 1 in 20-25 people you know is LBGTQ+, whether or not you actually know about it. LGBTQ+ people are certainly a part of our congregations, and a simple acknowledgment can mean the world to a queer youth.

“I now speak directly to Church members who experience same-sex attraction, or who identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. We want you to know we love you. You are welcome. We want you to be part of our congregations. You have great talents and abilities to offer God’s kingdom on earth, and we recognize the many valuable contributions you make.” —Elder L. Whitney Clayton

For me, this was the first time I ever heard a church leader even say the word bisexual and I’m 34 years old. I cannot explain how much it meant to me to hear the word “bisexual” come out of the mouth of a church leader. It felt I existed. Not only that, I was being told I was wanted in the congregation. It doesn’t always feel that way, but saying it is a good start.

5. Talk about Women and the Priesthood

Talk about women and the priesthood. Don’t shy away from it. Talk about the differences between priesthood power and ordination. Just because a woman isn’t ordained, doesn’t mean she can’t invoke and embody priesthood power.

Talk about priesthood responsibilities of women in the temple, such as washing and anointing rituals and women donning the robes of the Aaronic and Melchizedek priesthood. Include how women are necessary for the “true order of prayer.” Talk about priesthood responsibilities and rituals of women in early Church history. This includes blessings of healing, midwife blessings, blessing by the laying on of hands with oil, and blessing animals. Talk about the historical origins and structure of the Relief Society. Talk about how Joseph Smith was recorded saying he “turned the keys” over to the Society and he would make this Society a “kingdom of priests.”

Prepare and educate the young women for ordination if or when that day arises. If the revelation comes, they should be ready.

6. Include LGBTQ+ Adults

Include as many as possible Mormon LGBTQ+ adults in this effort. If LGBTQ+ youth don’t see LGBTQ+ adults at church, they won’t see a future trajectory for themselves in the Church—there’s no pattern to follow. Ask LGBTQ+ adults to pray and speak. Give them callings and responsibilities. This also includes allowing LGBTQ+ adults to express themselves and their faith as genuinely as possible. We need honest stories and testimonies from LGBTQ+ folks. Hold LGBTQ+ adults as a shining example. Don’t fear them. If LGBTQ+ youth can’t see a hopeful future to aspire to, that’s when suicide can become an appealing option.

I know this can be intimidating and difficult when feelings have been hurt and lives have been traumatized. We are all exploring new territory and we must love and trust one another as we mend bridges together.

7. Host a Fireside

Host a special fireside on women and the priesthood. Invite women to speak who have studied and are educated in matters of early Church history and contemporary priesthood practices and policies. Consider assigning the young women priesthood topics and have them research past and present priesthood responsibilities, rituals, and practices.

“My dear sisters, whatever your calling, whatever your circumstances, we need your impressions, your insights, and your inspiration. We need you to speak up and speak out in ward and stake councils.” —President Russell M. Nelson

If you are in Utah or Salt Lake County and you don’t have access to Mormon women who are familiar with historical priesthood practices, I am volunteering to assist you in any way possible. I can speak, pray, read, or give a spiritual thought, or get you access to a woman who can.

8. Include Women Speakers in the High Council Circuit

Include women stake leaders in the speaking circuit with high councilmen. It’s an easy way to show women can speak from a pulpit with communal authority even if they are not on the high council. If possible, call LGBTQ+ folks to stake callings so they can be included in the speaking circuit as well. If you are already doing this, fantastic!

9. Combine Activities

Combine as many activities as possible. Integrate the sexes beyond heteronormative assumptions about orientation and attraction. Growing up bisexual, it felt very odd that people assumed we should cater to heteronormative assumptions about sexual attraction. It felt like we were purposefully segregated to avoid sexual tension, but if that were really the case, bisexuals would need to be isolated, quarantined, and segregated from all people, because sexual attraction to anyone is a possibility. It was a harsh message to receive in my youth, because people acted as if my sexuality was something which isolated me from all genders, not just males. Even though I was implicitly taught otherwise, my sexuality was something that I was capable of controlling even when I was surrounded by person(s) I was sexually attracted to. I am confident today’s youth can do the same. Trust the youth.

Also, for many youth who are transgender or non-binary, attending sex-segregated meetings is difficult. Many wards do a combined activity once a month. These activities can be a way to include youth in your ward who don’t identify with their assigned gender. Reaching out to such youth, and specifically inviting them to combined activities is an easy way to include them in ward activities without proscribing gender roles.

10. Respect Gender Identity

Respect a person’s gender identity. If a youth asks you to use different pronouns, respect their autonomy over their gender identity. Likewise, respect their gender expression. If a trans* boy wants to wear a shirt and tie to Young Women, from what I’ve read, there is nothing in the handbook that says they cannot.

11. Teach That Women Are More Than Motherhood

Teach women that they are more than motherhood. Encourage their other interests and accomplishments. Give them options to aspire to that may or may not include motherhood. Try encouraging parenthood as a balanced option with a partner, as opposed to motherhood being their only source of worth and value in community.

In Young Women, I was implicitly and explicitly taught my worth as a woman was tied to my ability to produce children. This caused a lot of damage because I was born with an abnormal uterus (among other issues) and was uncertain about how or if I could have children. Looking back, I repeatedly put my life on the line during pregnancy to “prove” my worth as a woman.

For the many sisters who cannot or do not wish to have children, they often feel like they don’t belong at church. Women have many talents, gifts, and abilities which may or may not include motherhood.

12. Hold Special Workshops

Hold special workshops addressing the needs of LGBTQ+ youth. Allow them to speak if they feel so inclined. Allow them the opportunity to talk about their concerns, fears, and troubles. Let them ask hard questions about LGBTQ+ issues.

Hold workshops to educate adult ward and stake members. From my experience, some of the greatest challenges are coming from the adults and older generations, not the youth. Invite LGBTQ+ adults to speak about their Mormon experience. Ask them to share their testimonies of Mormonism and how they have continued to integrate Mormonism in their lives. Ask LGBTQ+ adults educated in LGBTQ+ issues to speak and set the example of how LGBTQ+ adults can have authentic testimonies focusing on love, compassion, and charity.

If you are in Utah or Salt Lake County and don’t have access to LGBTQ+ Mormon adults who are willing to share their testimonies, I am volunteering to assist you in anyway possible. I can speak, pray, or give a spiritual thought. I can do a Q&A workshop, give a presentation, or anything else to assist your ward and/or stake’s needs.

13. Stay Humble

There is so much we don’t know. The restoration is still happening. Don’t pretend to have all the answers. Stay humble. Saying “I don’t know” is one way to show epistemic humility while leaving the door open for continuing revelation.

14. Let Them Go

LGBTQ+ kids need to know that in this current climate it is okay to not be at church. They may experience a better spiritual life in an environment that doesn’t condemn their orientation or neglect the experience of their gender. They need to know there is happiness outside of the LDS Church. It is reasonable for them to leave the Church for the sake of their mental health and safety, especially when many suffer from self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If they can’t see a future for themselves in the Church, a future outside the Church is better than no future at all.

Additionally, it is important for leaders and other youth to demonstrate that their friendships are not contingent on church attendance. They need to know they have a friendship whether they choose to stay or go. If you love them, sometimes it’s okay to let them go.

According to Elder Quentin L. Cook, Latter-day Saints should be at the forefront of love and compassion. He states that we need to be a part of the family circle, which also implies the ward and stake family circle.

“As a church, nobody should be more loving and compassionate. No family who has anybody who has same-gender [attraction] should exclude them from the family circle. They need to be part of the family circle . . . let us be at the forefront in terms of expressing love, compassion, and outreach to those and let’s not have families exclude or be disrespectful of those who choose a different lifestyle as a result of their feelings about their own gender . . . I feel very strongly about this . . . It’s a very important principle.” —Elder Quentin L. Cook

15. Love Them

Love them. Love them. Love them. Teach love, charity, and compassion. If we do not know love, we do not know God, because God is love. Jesus also taught the greatest commandment of them all is to love one another. Believe it. Teach it. Live it.

“To put it simply, having charity and caring for one another is not simply a good idea. It is not simply one more item in a seemingly infinite list of things we ought to consider doing. It is at the core of the gospel—an indispensable, essential, foundational element. Without this transformational work of caring for our fellowmen, the Church is but a facade of the organization God intends for His people. Without charity and compassion, we are a mere shadow of who we are meant to be—both as individuals and as a church. Without charity and compassion, we are neglecting our heritage and endangering our promise as children of God. No matter the outward appearance of our righteousness, if we look the other way when others are suffering, we cannot be justified.” —Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Jesus Christ taught that the first and great commandment is to love God and the second is to love others as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and prophets. The scriptures teach that we will be known as true disciples of Christ if we have love one to another. And there is no fear in love. We cannot know God if we do not know love, for love is God.

*Thank you to everyone who participated and helped me put this list together. Your insights have been invaluable and I appreciate that you took the time to share your experiences with me. Sincerely.

15 Ways To Be More Inclusive published first on http://ift.tt/2wQcX5G

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transallymama · 3 years

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The Gender Spectrum: Making the Case to Cisgender People - Part 2: Terms

Part 2: Terms and Definitions

(This is an essay series, so I encourage you to start with Part 1 below)

To fully understand the dire need for gender equality, it is necessary to know the meaning of relevant terms. Some of these words are often confused, mixed up, or used interchangeably by those not familiar with the broader issues of gender identity. Please consider this list just the beginning, a 101 crash course. If what I have explained below leads you to more questions (and I hope it will), then I encourage you to keep learning.

Ted Talks and TedX are an excellent place to start. Another fantastic resource with helpful visuals is the Genderbread Person.

Suggested links:

https://www.genderbread.org/resource/genderbread-person-v4-0

https://www.ted.com/talks?sort=relevance&q=transgender

https://www.ted.com/watch/tedx-talks

1. Gender Spectrum - It feels appropriate to start with the phrase I chose for the title of this essay, the gender spectrum. The point of this expression is to counter the notion that gender is binary - either male or female. Transgender people argue quite convincingly that gender is nothing close to binary. We must learn to see gender not as binary (two possibilities), and not as three (male, female, and trans), but as a spectrum from the most masculine male to the most feminine female with all the possibilities in between. The spectrum is all-encompassing, fundamentally inclusive, and intentionally nebulous; the specifics are not important. We are referring to individual humans, and since there are a lot of us, there may also be many genders.

2. Gender versus sex - Many who doubt the validity of the gender spectrum are using the words gender and sex interchangeably, but their meaning is very different. It is crucial to see the nuance herein. For gender, think masculine and feminine. Gender refers to how someone feels and thinks about their masculinity and/or femininity, and how they dress and present themselves to the world.

Sex refers to biological sex and is based on chromosomes and a baby’s sex organs at birth - male or female (though some people are born with anatomy that doesn’t clearly match either, and the word for that sex is intersex). Biological sex also typically affects the natural pitch of one’s voice, their hormones, and their body hair.

3. Cisgender versus transgender - Cisgender is the word for someone whose gender matches their biological sex. For instance, I was born female with female sex organs, and I identify and express myself as female through my clothes and accessories, hair and makeup, pronouns, body language, and my name.

Transgender is the umbrella term for someone whose personal gender identity does not match their biological sex. There are a lot of sub-categories of gender which fall under this broad category. You don’t need to know all of them. What is paramount, though, is that we let the individual select the word that best suits them. Some of the more common terms that transgender people might use to describe their own gender include: gender fluid, gender non-binary, gender nonconforming, gender queer, trans man, and trans woman. (Please visit this great site for a helpful “transgender umbrella” visual aid and other useful info: https://www.prideofindy.org/trans-101)

4. Transgender woman and transgender man - Imagine your gender identity is female, but you were born male. You wouldn’t want to call yourself a man because you do not identify with that label. But you’re also not a woman (strictly speaking), though you identify with the female gender. This is how you can remember that a trans woman is someone whose gender identity is female and their biological sex male. The same concept then applies for a trans man.

5. Gender identity versus gender expression - Gender identity is what goes on internally, in our minds. Our feelings and thoughts on our own gender. (Right now, if you’re thinking, “okay, I feel like a woman,” then recognize that, keep it close, and remember that every human has their own equally valid thoughts and feelings on their own gender. Case closed, I can go home now, right?)

Gender expression is the visual expression of our gender. This part is a choice. It is how we choose to present ourselves to the world through our clothing, hair and/or makeup, voice (pitch, tone, and inflections), accessories, mannerisms and body language, the name (and pronoun) we ask others to use for us, and even the words and language we use. It is reasonable to surmise that some transgender people who internally identify as trans haven’t started externally expressing themselves as such yet. They might choose to continue dressing in line with their biological sex until they feel safe “coming out” as transgender.

6. Gender versus sexuality - In this essay, I’m not discussing sexuality whatsoever, but I think it’s necessary to be conscious of the distinction between gender and sexuality, two concepts often conflated by those not familiar with the gender spectrum. If gender refers to personal identity, sexuality refers to who you are attracted to. We must learn to recognize the interwoven complexity of gender and sexuality. Simply put, any person can identify anywhere on the gender spectrum and be attracted to someone who falls anywhere on that same spectrum. Once you can see that there are no rules regarding who we are or who we are attracted to, then it all starts to make more sense. Just as you or I feel strongly about who we are attracted to (and not attracted to) - can’t we just agree that we all should have that personal freedom, to choose our partners, and maybe leave it at that?

7. Misgender - If you misgender someone, you refer to them with a word or pronoun that does not match the gender they identify with.

Gender-inclusive language:

A hot topic right now is freedom of speech as it relates to gender issues. Here’s how you can make sense of this change in language and truly make peace with it: You have every right to refer to yourself by gender-specific nouns and pronouns. The words mother, father, sister, and brother aren’t going out of style, and no one is taking away anyone’s right to use gender-specific words about individuals as it applies.

But when addressing a group of people, or someone you don’t know, why not use the word which includes everyone? Since this type of language change cannot be forced or legislated, I ask you, my reader, why not choose to be considerate and inclusive? Gender identity isn’t always visible, so we can’t simply look at a person, know their gender, and choose the appropriate gender-specific word. Thus, let’s aim for gender-inclusive language. We are learning. It is okay to make mistakes, but making the effort is the compassionate choice.

This list is just the beginning. Here are some quick fixes you can make in your language choices:

1. Folx - Folx replaces folks and is used in writing specifically since the pronunciation is the same. Technically folks is gender-neutral as well, but folx signifies that the writer is making a conscious attempt at inclusivity. It tells trans folx (and any other minority, in fact), “I am an ally.”

2. Parents instead of Moms and Dads - Transgender parents don’t call themselves mother, father, mom, or dad, so parents includes everyone.

3. Humankind to replace mankind.

4. Person instead of man - salesperson, Congressperson, snowperson (I’m not kidding, but obviously the snowperson won’t be offended if you misgender them).

5. Server instead of waiter/waitress.

6. Firefighter instead of fireman.

7. Postal worker or mail person instead of mailman.

(Stay tuned for Part 3: The Gender Spectrum, coming soon...)

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knobstick · 7 years

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A Tale of Three Spectrums - Sex, Gender and Sexuality

Almost 45 years ago, way back in the dark ages, I had my first job when I joined the military reserve which offered a summer of employment for a modest amount of money. It consisted of military marching, weapons training and lots of classroom time. There was a diverse group of young people from across the city participating in the program, and being a quiet and shy bloke I never expected to get along so well with so many new people. However this was the military, with all its foibles, and as we suffered jointly with the "Hurry up and wait!" mentality, there were a lot of new friendships and bonding. When we all had the same complaints it was easy to find sympathic conversation.

Another young bloke, Rob, and I got along very well. We sat together during the classes and spent our breaks talking and trying to get into the smoking habit. Rob turned out to be a bit of a collector of unusual personalities, and he gathered an unusual group around him. He himself was engaging to all, funny and clever. The next person after me to join us was Anna, a slim young woman with a bit of a Dutch accent. There was a young native (First Nations) woman who was quiet and set herself apart, named June, who resisted but eventually joined into our little group of Musketeers.

Rob was tall and thin, and though there was a hint of feminine about his mannerisms, it was not strong affection. While one might think that my mentioning that means he could be gay (a word that was still very new to provincial Winnipeg vocabulary) or bi (not on the radar), over the course of that summer I found he was not really interested in sex.

Rob was fascinated with Anna, because she revealed to him that she was a cross-dresser. Dressed up as a man she was actually quite handsome and attractive. She has portrait photos taken in suit and tie, with a small mustache fixed over her lips, she was smashing as a bloke. She was quite proud that should could attract a variety of women and date and have relationships with them. Looking back at all that was said between us, I think that Anna was trans. Family and society at the time didn't have a place where she could move forward to living as she wanted to live. That would have been happily as a man.

June was a delightful and funny young woman when you got past her quiet manner and distrusting front she shielded behind. She was also very attractive, and the ugly uniform did nothing to hide a mature curvy figure. I think that Anna had a huge crush on her, but she was something more exotic that other women she had known, so was unsure of how to approach her. I don't think June was really aware of her strong sexual pull, definitely not the effect it had on Anna.

Why did Rob get us all together in that little group? I ponder on that, I feel that Rob got a great deal of satisfaction in assembling his friends into his own little drama and that he had some kind of result he wanted out of everything and everyone. Not in a negative way, but something that would being greater happiness, just not in a conventional sense. He wanted his Anna to get her June, and be happy.

I never fully understood my role in all of this. Perhaps I was a non-threatening bloke, someone who would not upset Rob's machinations, someone who would find Anna interesting and someone who could ensure June's trust and participation. I was being used, but I was never quite sure how and for what purpose. Maybe just a long term project.

I emphasize, this was a long time ago. This was my first encounter with someone as sexually different as Anna. I did not reject who she was, and what I believe I understand she was, with greater distance between that time.

Binary people can be so boring. They are not just wrong, they can be really, really boring insisting that two is all there is, folks.

How your genitals form and are expressed for you as an individual places you in a spectrum. When most of us are born we have distinguishable genitals by which a sex is assigned to us. You have a penis, you are male. You have a vagina, you are female. The Doctor, the nurse, the mid-wife, whoever assists with the birth, makes an observation. You get a tick on a form. It is going to be important about how you will be raised, dressed and move along in life.

The doctor cannot see your chromosomes. He is not going to see if there is anything unusual. Someone identified as a boy, but who cannot produce sperm. Someone identified as a girl but who is not going to produce eggs.

The doctor cannot see if something environmental at birth has affected how that individual is going to view themselves and who they are attracted to. A bath in hormones that is going to affect a child who will grow into someone with a same-sex attraction.

The doctor can see someone who physically does not meet the criteria for what is expected of a penis or a vagina. There are people who are born with a combination of genitals which may tend them towards one direction or the other. Or somewhere bang in the middle. These are the Inter-sexed.

Many doctors have become or made themselves the policemen and judges of the Inter-sexed. They say stop. They say this child goes no further unless a surgery is done so that this baby's body conforms with a binary standard. It is Important! How will that individual cope if they don't have a tick in a box. A decision is made that will affect an individual life and that decision can be difficult to make if the genitals are neither distinctly male or female. They are going to be raised as one or the other, but what do they do when that role doesn't fit with how they feel about themselves?

Many Inter-sexed do go on without being forced into a surgery. I agree with this path. It is not anyone's decision except their own how their body should be changed. But along the line they are going to get a tick in a box. It may come from how they are raised, how they look, but it will come.

Now you and I are still not the sex police. I do not know what genitals are under someone's clothing. They don't show it to me, and I don't expect them to. From this point on-wards anything to be said about genitals is only something that is assumed. And that could make an ass out of you and me.

What does society impose after birth? Gender norms. A child is expected to look, to act, to like certain things, to dislike certain things, to want things, to aspire to be something, all based on which box that tick was put in. Society if fierce and unrelenting, but it is something that is regularly wrong.

If anything is simple to see, it is this. People look and act in such a diverse and non-conforming manner. A lot of people, and I assume it is a majority, do slide into very conforming appearances and roles, but then again, I don't know what their genitals look like so that seems besides the point. Looks and actions are also challenged by those who do not conform. Those who do not conform also label themselves at different points along a gender spectrum. Which, of course, infuriates those who insist that gender is the same as sex which is binary. But, no, it's not and never has been that simple.

What can be assured is that if someone does not conform to the gender binary, life can be difficult if not an absolute hell for a person. It is not just trying to be a left-handed person adjusting to a right-handed world. Every day the decisions that a non-gender-conforming persons makes can make them the subject of ridicule and attack, to being threatened physically to being murdered.

The whole washroom issue is not just about being able to pee where you are comfortable, it is also very much about being able to pee where you are safe. The idea of policing people by their genitals not only is unworkable, it puts people in danger.

Preferred pronouns are simple. It is simple respect. It is not a challenge or and affront if someone requests that you identify them as a him, her or they. You can be an ass and state that you are going to use a pronoun based strictly on appearance. You can congratulate yourself on being right, but you are still being hurtful.

And finally there is sex. Who someone is attracted to. What stimulates someone sexually. Even if someone insists that sex should be binary - attraction must be based on a man and a woman, there is just too much variation within that category alone which refutes the idea that there is a single expression of sexual attraction.

And sexual attraction is fluid. Who and what turns on someone when they are young often adjusts as they get older. There are waxes and wanes.

Sex seems more that a spectrum, distribution along sexual attraction and practice is far too broad and varied.

Definitely, yes, attraction and fulfillment can be difficult and dangerous depending on where someone feels they belong.

Like sex, society will be adjusting and re-tuning sex and gender as it moves forwards and backwards in its views. But in no way is there an easy binary path for people to follow. There will always be those who take a different path, not to be contrary, but because of who they really are.

#gender

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teachanarchy · 7 years

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When Eli Sommer came across the term “transgender” in a Tumblr post in high school, everything clicked. “Oh,” he thought. “That’s me.” Attending a Georgia high school, struggling with anxiety and depression, Eli tried to communicate with his parents who were forcing gender conformity and insisting he was a girl. It wasn’t until his psychologist, who is himself transgender, recommended The Transgender Child as a resource that his parents realized what Eli needed to thrive.

The family met with his homeroom teacher, who quickly became an ally, even advising the LGBT club Eli established called GLOW (Gay, Lesbian Or Whatever). “He’s cisgender, he’s straight,” Eli recalls, “but he’s passionate about advocating and making sure all of the kids in our club succeed in school and aren’t held back because of how they identify.”

Eli also found an advocate in his school principal, who located a gender-neutral restroom for him to use at school. “I would not have thought that my principal would have been helpful because he drives a big red truck with a gun rack on it,” recounts Eli. “But when all of the transgender stuff came to the table, he was like, ‘I don’t really understand, but Eli’s a good kid and we’ll get him what he’s entitled to.’”

Although it was not without obstacles, the relative ease of Eli’s transition is rare. The 2013 GLSEN National School Climate Survey found that, compared to their LGB peers, transgender and gender-nonconforming students face the most hostile school climates. According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, in 2015, 75 percent of transgender youth felt unsafe at school, and those who did not drop out altogether were more likely to miss school due to a safety concern, have significantly lower GPAs, and were less likely to plan for future education.

The good news is educators are learning more about how to support nonbinary youth at school. One of the most important lessons? The needs of transgender youth remain distinct from those of their LGB peers—and they extend beyond pronoun usage and bathroom access.

“When Kids Like Me Grow Up …” Experts cite mentorship as instrumental for trans students’ success, but formal mentors are scarce. Jenn Burleton, executive director of TransActive Gender Center in Portland, Oregon, sought to establish a trans-to-trans mentoring program but failed to locate enough transgender adults for similarly identified youth.

“Right now what these kids do not have is enough of a sense that: ‘When kids like me grow up, there’s an adult version of me doing what everybody else does and getting through the day. They’re there for me to see and know that there’s a place for me to walk when I get older,’” Burleton says. “Not letting kids see that can give them a subliminal sense that there is a dead end to their identity or that hiding is the only way to be.”

Kiera Hansen, a genderqueer-identified social worker in Portland, Oregon, is attempting to fill this void. Hansen—who prefers the pronoun they—helps run an afterschool drop-in program where almost everyone identifies as trans or gender-nonconforming. While funding sources have diminished, their team has pooled resources throughout the city to create a tight-knit group. Outside of the group, Hansen has accompanied mentees to school when they need support, meeting with teachers to ensure access to the right bathrooms, use of the right pronouns, and to address any other issues students might face.

Hansen cites modeling vulnerability as a key to successful mentoring. “I’m surviving a lot of things on a regular basis, just as the youth are,” they recount. “I am genuinely honest with them. We’re transparent about the hurdles and barriers we go through in life and in the program. We do not make everything look perfect and well-put-together. We want them to have the tools to interact with the systems that are often working against them and their voices.”

One of the members of their drop-in group, Cameron, is about to graduate from high school and attributes part of that success to the group. “I have a really bad attendance problem with school,” he confides, recounting frequent bullying, including being compared to a wild animal in sociology class. “Having this group to look forward to every week has been one of the motivations that brings me back to school.”

Gender Identity Competency When working toward success at school for transgender students, it is paramount for youth to identify an adult with whom they feel safe. Johanna Eager, director of the Human Rights Campaign’s Welcoming Schools program, coaches educators around gender identity competency. She trains schools to help transitioning students identify a knowledgeable staff member who may or may not be trans but to whom students feel safe going during the day. “Any trans student needs to know who their safe person is,” she says. “You are vulnerable if you are the only one.”

Eager says there is no formula to positive mentorship. Some mentors are passionate and informed based on experience. Some are naturally kind and caring, with no formal training. “I’ve seen educators who don’t have much knowledge tend to the social emotional health for a trans child, and I have seen folks who are trans or LGBTQ be supportive with their knowledge. It can be either and it always has been.”

Above all, quality mentors trust that transgender youth know who they are and what they need. As one father reflected about parenting his transgender son, “There were never any conscious decisions. It was always intuitive, following him. It’s about letting him lead and supporting wherever he is. That line is always moving.”

Transgender youth are looking, first and foremost, for adults to respect their chosen names and pronouns. Making this effort validates young people’s core identity and solidifies their safety. Without it, a trusted relationship cannot be built. As Cameron says, “People using your pronouns and correct name without fail is wonderful. When people do it with no question, you can tell they see you the way you want to be seen.”

Earning the trust and respect of transgender students requires educators to uncover any internalized transphobia and recognize personal biases. Some allies find it takes time to mentally de-align gender and genitalia. Still, adults cannot show up for youth without honestly accepting their feelings and beliefs. If they skip this crucial step, youth will notice. This is the case for Todd, who is genderqueer and can read their teachers’ facial expressions as measurements of acceptance and safety.

Once educators recognize their own behaviors and microaggressions, they’re better equipped to identify microaggressions, bullying and harassment when they happen in schools. Even if it appears minor, these behaviors need to be interrupted in the moment. Too often transgender students expect no assistance from teachers; being ostracized becomes the norm. As one trans middle school student—who is now homeschooled—attests, “As long as it doesn’t escalate to a screaming match, they think everything looks fine.”

Furthermore, the interruption does not have to be impeccable. Eager recommends, “Just say something. You may screw it up, it may not feel comfortable, it may not be perfect. But saying something is better than saying nothing, and you need to say it because everyone is watching to see if they are going to be safe.”

If necessary, distinguish between the personal and the professional. Lead author of the resource guide Schools In Transition, Asaf Orr, stands behind educators who are “on board” regardless of their personal beliefs. “In their private lives these educators may not be supportive of gender exploration,” Orr notes. “But when they get to school, they know it’s critical to be 100 percent supportive of a kid’s own gender exploration, and they ensure the space for them to do that.”

Educators can support their trans students by including nonbinary identities in the curriculum. As Cameron asserts, “With every sex ed class we have that’s not inclusive, and every English class where there’s no inclusive literature, there’s another trans kid that feels so alone.”

Recognizing nonbinary gender identities depicted within student work is also important, as youth are likely to reflect themselves most accurately. One agender-identified seventh-grader, Jace, remembers feeling safe after a teacher commented on their agender character drawing, saying they “looked cool.”

Finally, do not assume. Nontransidentified adults, says Cameron, “are never going to be able to fully understand what any trans person is going through. Adults need not question the way a person feels about themselves, because they do not know. They are never going to feel the same way. And we have to figure ourselves out.”

Transgender youth know what they need to feel safe. Strong mentors ask them.

#trans #gender #pedagogy

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