#possibly in a different way to others because. yknow. i am plural.

[lovelyrotter]

yknow i think a lot of the really far-gone transfemme vs transmasc people who still play by the 6th grade milquetoast "trans women are targeted way more than trans men cause femininity is bad and masculinity is good In Our Society, so trans men get free acceptability passes" feminism forget that trans men/transmascs started life. as. little girls. we were mistaken, from birth, for baby girls. and we were raised by our parents to believe that we were little girls.

a lot of trans men and transmascs then grew up to be teenaged girls

a lot of trans men and transmascs were adult women too

and for a while we *believed* we were girls and women. some of us even WISHED we were girls and women (points at myself). and much more importantly, we were continually seen as girls and women. a lot of the time, we are STILL seen as girls and women, even with full fuckin beards and baritone voices. especially if we need to go to any kind of medical professional. this is what our free acceptability pass looks like?

its just so much more nuanced than these 'boys vs girls' people ever seem to care to think about. even binary trans folks dont have the same sense of cisgendered binary that cis people do. we literally cross from one fake end of the fake-binary to the other. thats where the trans in transgender comes from. i dont know how some other trans folks seem to forget that?? i don't know how, somewhere along the line, we forgot that trans men and transmascs also directly suffer under misogyny?

#my t #sorry for more gender based griping i saw smth on twitter that reminded me of this. #the bright spots of Little Girl euphoria i had in my childhood were rare and beautiful. i refuse to forget them. #my perception of myself i had as a child is important to me. #possibly in a different way to others because. yknow. i am plural. #and plural folks have a different brain and sense of understanding of themselves that singlets wont have. its just a neurological differenc #but my little girl self is an important part of my present day adult man self. #and looking at the adult trans men in my system who are still under my care today- #the little girls they were - however fucking briefly - are still important to me and to them too. #and i fully understand that a lot of other trans folks cannot think of themselves this way #but trans mens experiences of being mistaken for little girls are as important as trans womens experiences being mistaken for little boys #we are all trapped in the same systemic cycle of gender-based abusive conditioning. #really we just have to do away with assigning gender to baby bits completely. its weird. #trans men are either eternally confused women or just invisible #and crushed under the weight of maintaining a cis-man image. #i mean for fucks sake #my partner system and us have been talking about having a kid for ages #if i were to get pregnant i'd just have to accept the fact that i have to masquerade around as a woman for 9 months. #because there is NOTHING for pregnant transmascs. #nothing. #there aren't even a lot of gender neutral options for maternity clothing. #even the term 'maternity' denotes femininity and motherhood. #paternity clothing isn't a thing that exists for me for look forward to or even mildly worry about. #and i'm just talking about a *planned* pregnancy involving a trans man. what do yall think happens to transmascs with unwanted pregnancies. #what a privileged life i lead as a no-op no-hrt trans man. big cishet loves me because i am obviously exactly like a cis man now #just want people to stop infighting and being stupid tbh. #breaking: bro strider fictive gets really fuckin pressed about gender and systemic abuse again!

[variant-archive]

If I have traits that are generally seen as plural-exclusive. or at least appear to me to be such and to function the same way, but I’m not aware of any headmates, what does that mean? I know that there are multiple versions of myself, but I don’t percieve them as sharing my body (they all have their own off in other universes) and we can’t communicate (these are also my kintypes). I’m othershard and I see this life and my other lives as part of a greater whole, “true” self. Could my awareness of alternate versions of myself and identification with them as aspects of a greater whole mean something in regards to if I’m actually a singlet or not? Does this need a new term because it doesn’t fit the singlet-plural dichotomy or anything in between? My alterhumanity situation is so fucking complicated lol. I wonder if other othershards have a similar experience where they feel like part of a “system” but the “system” spans across different universes instead of sharing one body, with your “irl” self being an aspect of a higher, divine, complete self. I don’t claim to be plural and don’t identify as such, I just have experiences that make me question where exactly I fit in the alterhumanity spectrum yknow? I’ve been afraid to ask this because I feel like I’m experiencing things I shouldn’t be able to experience and I have nothing to compare it to but to plurality (possibly due to lexical gaps) and I know that I don’t have the right to do that, but I really want to get to the bottom of who I am, both my current self and my other selves and my true self. Who knows, maybe I am median or something but I’m just not able to interact with or notice that my other selves really are connected to my body as well as their own. We are connected by our soul after all. There are terms on pluralpedia that are close-ish, if that helps (those terms being plural non-system, plurallet, semimultiple, aspectral, kin system, demi-plural, parasian, formshifter, oneplural, parallel system). There’s also a term on termora called constellation that’s kinda close. Sorry to dump all this and sorry if it seems like I’m trying to butt in to a community I’m not a part of, but I’m questioning for real.

[dear-systems]

TW/ CSA, COCSA, SA, abuse, possible internalized Something Bad But I Dont Know What, general panic, idiocy, and self doubt akdj

Hiiiii,,, can I ask some for advice/opinions/guidance for me possibly being a system? It’s a very scary thought, I don’t think I wanna be a system, not really. It’s all confusing, it’s all a lot, and idk what to do. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, sure, but like, I remember some things! I remember enough! What could’ve happened to me? I lived close to a predator that’s true, but I never slept over more than a couple nights, and I can’t remember anything they could’ve done to me, they never showed any signs. I grew up in a home, though, with a sibling of mine, and theyre… a complicated at best story. They were def preyed upon, and they also sexually assaulted me. I have blurry memories from when I was little of them playing “”games”” with me that make me wanna throw up, but they never really crossed the line into the assault like that one time. I repressed that one time soo much anyway, because I was so ashamed and horrified. It happened when I was 11. Could you even develop a dissociative disorder at age 11? And how would I remember ish and acknowledge that trauma without even KNOWING about others??? And that’s not considering the idea that I might not be traumagenic, which somehow is scarier?? It makes me mad at the world, cause I feel like I’d be even MORE hated and called fake and believe it myself. And also, that there wasn’t a reason. That I’d be going through this pain for no reason other than brain go brr, not brain go cope. Am I making sense?? I’m sorry if not, and I’m sorry if I have said/will say something offensive. I don’t wanna downplay their experiences, but also I don’t know a lot and I just. Aghh, yknow? I haven’t done too much research, cause I’m lazy and I’m scared akdhsjhfj, and most of the time I just ignore this. Until it just hits me for a couple weeks or days that this isnt normal, is it? I don’t think I really hear voices, my body is never out of my control. I always want whatever it’s doing. If I hear anything, its just in my head, and in MY voice, and it could be just like,,,, not alters yknow? Just me thoughts. I’m genderfluid, of that I am certain, I was only ever a solid gender when I didn’t feel like me. Even if there’s other people in here with me, I’m genderfluid, and none of them have ever shown interest in anyone in a romo/smexy way, just as I have. So idk what’s that about??? Different genders but same orientation? Idk. Phibi isn’t a human, and it doesn’t like calling itself by human terms, so though it too doesn’t feel attraction, technically it isn’t aroace like the rest of us. Or me. Idk man I’m confused. I have such terrible memory. That’s the worst part. One time I forgot how old I was lmao. Everything is a blur, but none of it is completely a blackout. If it ever feels empty, all I have to do is try real hard to get SOMETHING, and eventually I will, so. Eh. But it’s all so, so blurry. I can recall things I did, but it isn’t like… attached? It’s strange. It takes me a moment, like getting a file in a computer and it lagging, and it just seems so distant. Sometimes tho, it isn’t, and sometimes it is. It’s all inconsistent. That’s what really gets to me, I think. It’s hard to make out, and I suck at handling things that are hard to make out. Usually I thought I either repressed things or got over them quickly or something when I get triggered (I have PTSD oof) but today with the whole who-are-i thing when I got triggered, I was very panicky at first as usual. I was not having a good time akdjdjj, as per usual. Then I kinda became numb, dissociated, and then came to… feeling surprisingly ok? I didn’t feel like Me, of course. This is confusing. I felt like someone else. I STILL do! I feel like that person! I feel like the one that panicked is another, it’s weird to refer to us like this, I’m sorry. It’s so confusing. So that doesn’t bode well for my “oh I’m perfectly fine and a singlet” case. I still feel the closest to them, though. Everyone else is more separate. This doesn’t make sense ahdhskfj. I feel like I’m faking it. I feel like I can’t possibly be plural. (1/2)

I remember as a child feeling so sad and helpless, that I would relish in my own mind, if that makes sense. I liked the fact it was Mine, and no one could take that from me. No one could know what was inside it, not really, not unless they were a mind reader, which I chose to believe for my sanity didn’t exist akdjsj. I had full control over it. If I wanted there to be a palace with me as the sole ruling prince with a pink gown and infinite cake and toys in there, I could. If I wanted to go “home”, even when physically and logically I was there, I could. Im scared that being plural will take that from me. On one hand, it’s kinda nice. I remember Phibi once took themselves to school for me, planned to go through the whole day if a switch hadn’t happened, if I’m allowed to even use those words akfjakd. I was relieved at not having to go to school. But also. This is scary, this is strange, this is invasive, and it’s giving me far too much of an identity crisis. I just. Uh help?? Somehow?? In any way?? That would be nice tho obvs you don’t haVe to akdjskjd (2/2)

You're definitely not alone, anon, and it certainly sounds like you're a system. It is hard, to adjust, but you'll get there in time.

May I recommend having things that are exclusively yours? A blog, a spot in your innerworld if you have one, a playlist, etc. Something that is just yours.