#and i dont want to tell my family that its gotten worse

[good-enemy]

.

#i fucking hate that i dont have anyone to turn to about this right now #all my friends have shit going on and i dont want to bother them with this again #and i dont want to tell my family that its gotten worse #i knew i should have just not said anything but it was eating me alive #fuuuuck #i dont know what to do #i wanna yell at him so badly but i dont think i should be acting on anger #i think i should maybe write down what i want to say first and then read it back and see if its like. worth saying idfk #and i dont know if i should tell the manager #i dont know whose side shes on #shit fuck bollocks this is what i get for trying to be a nice person to someone who i know full well doesnt deserve it #i tried to sleep on it but it didnt really help #although i am back to not wanting to put a complaint in about him anymore so theres that #you know what this has been going on for so fucking long and hes been acting like its my fault that hes a bad person for so long and idk #i really dont know why im putting up with it #FUCK #ellies shitchats

[d4rkpluto]

i've returned to post about a particular subject i've been fighting to or not to post, because i used to consider this person the closest person in my life and i even considered her as a best friend and a sister.

and we have fallen out and apologised to each other many times, but perhaps whenever we argued it was life telling me that she is not supposed to be in my circle. and you could be wondering why am i bringing this up and telling tumblr this but im telling tumblr this to be aware of @couerardent and her scamming behaviour.

couerardent also known as MYSTIICWINTER OR MYSTICWIINTER.

talk about WORSE SERVICE I HAVE EVER GOTTEN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

[other people have come to me and spoke about how bad her services were, but i tried to overlook it because i really cared for her, lessoned learn]

i have always been empathetic towards ardent and her money situation, but there are moments when excuses turn into reasons to not do something. on august, i sent alex money because she needed it, but she also said in return she will give me 4 packs she usually gives her clients and she told me she would give me my money back.

first pack is "tell me your story."

second and other packs she hadnt told me what they were but she informed me that i'll be receiving them weekly since august, and now its november.

at first i was empathetic, since i used to be close to ardent, i knew she went through a lot of stuff at home, so i was patient. until august turned into september, and september turned into october and then october turned into novemeber.

and slowly i became annoyed, [as i should] because her services arent even long or good, as someone who gives chart readings to other people that consists more than fourteen pages, the effort to write that would take long, but ardent doesnt even give five pages for her services, three at most, so why is it taking her so long?

previously, she has joked to me about scamming other people, but would put the blame on them and not want to take accountability until they start using threats to expose her, i think she deleted the making fun of scamming them but here is some of it:

and when i would message her for updates about my reading because it'll take months, she would ignore me and even change her pfp on tumblr or discord, until i reach out to her on more platforms to get her attention.

and what would annoy me even more is that she would talk about how she never has something to do or would focus on other stuff knowing she needs to get my reading done lmao and this would be like 1-2 months after i was supposed to receive any of it lol.

worrying about the layout for almost 3 months PLEASE.

i have received 1/4 readings, and that was now almost 2-3 weeks ago, we should've been on my 2nd or 3rd reading by now, the only reason i have received 1 reading is because i did threaten to expose her if she didnt send the money or reading my way, because even i had some issues because living in london has gotten really difficult and i have been trying to support my family as much as i can, but im doing better right now.

its all about the principle. and she has none of that. and even attempted to victimise herself and behave like she was in distress whenever she got called out about her behaviour.

she lost track of time, the time being 3-4 months lol.

and when i was speaking to her she ignored me for a bit again ha, it was almost comedic. for almost two weeks she didnt try and check what i was speaking about.

she has gotten ill, but this was still months after.

and i have remembered, she has used much of her earned money to fund for her nose job but also uni, but during the moments it was best to pay me back was at the job she said paid her well, she informed me that when she gets paid by her job she'll pay me back, and she never did and ended up quitting the job.

[the unfairness i was speaking about is how uni her country dont do student finances, she's from romania, because they do in the uk it was just a surprise].

i asked her recently on how i was supposed to receive a reading but she didnt reply but change her pfp on whatsapp and discord, again.

if there is any confused people comment please because i did this half asleep lmao

#tarot #tarot community #pick a pile #pac #romance #astrology #pick a card #pick a photo #future spouse

[kumezyzo]

hellooo! can you write something about breaking up w bf!sapnap?

im not joking when i say i got two seperate asks for this. and im all for it. i made sap seem like a huge asshole in this btw. like, so insanely shitty that its almost out of character/it probably is.

anyway, enjoy! or dont :) m.list

it built up slowly over time. once the honeymoon phase had passed, you two were comfortable. and then you two needed a break. he needed breathing room and you need to reevaluate where you wanted this relationship to go. when before you could see yourself marrying him, growing old with him, having a family with him, now you just saw his flaws.

he didnt know why but he felt bored. it hurt him to admit to himself. and it hurt even more having to tell his friends about it. the same friends that had grown to love you and you had grown to love aswell.

"you're... bored?" dream asked his best friend, looking at him like he was crazy. "of a person?"

nick winced as he heard it out loud for the first time. he looked at george who looked at him in complete concern.

"it sounds worse when you put it like that..." nick responded. he rubbed at his eyes.

"it was that bad to begin with," george said shaking his head.

during the break, you felt as if you two had broken up. and the longer it went on, the more he acted like you two actually had. and it really solidified it when he started talking to other people.

you didnt think he was doing it seriously. maybe it was just to make you jealous, maybe he did stoop that low. but then you saw how how george and dream were just as confused as you.

he really did try to hide it from you. from everyone. but no ones perfect.

"nick, who are you texting?" dream asked over his shoulder, startling him. he looked at dream with wide eyes.

"what the fuck are you doing?" he asked defensively. you looked up from where you were sitting at the kitchen island to the other two on the couch. he glanced at you before looking back at his best friend.

"i was just trying to scare you..." dream said walking towards you in the kitchen confused. he had gone upstairs to get his laptop to show you something. "but really, who were you texting?"

"your mom, thats who,"

when you found it he was talking to someone, you couldnt help but feel terrible at the idea that he had already gotten over you.

you walked into your old shared bedroom, nervously avoiding eye contact with your ex-boyfriend. he looked at you blankly as you stood there with your arms crossed, trying to find words to say.

he was sat up in bed, looking up from his phone at you. "...whats up?"

"we can agree we're not together anymore? like... this isnt gonna work out, right?" you continued to stare at your socks as you waited for the heart breaking answer. but you couldn't hold it in and looked up to see his face.

he looked small and deep in thought. he glanced down at his phone screen and back up at you.

"why are you thinking about it?" you ask offendedly. "im asking to make sure we're on the same page here. it wasnt an actual fucking question."

your words rang through the air. he sat there, hearing them play over in his head. it was like he was suddenly understanding the situation. he replayed your relationship, remembering how much he loved you. how happy he was.

im sorry if this seems all over the place. this idea was a lot more elaborate in my mind. but i didnt wanna make it longer. sorry...

if you want a longer version, it would take a while for me to get it out. im gonna be super busy for a while so domt expect as frequent uploads. im also in a lowkey bad mood rn so... im sorry if this is kinda dry. -nony

#sapnap #sapnap x reader #anon #sapnap x you #sapnap fluff #sapnap x y/n #dteam #asks #sapnap x streamer reader #sapnap angst #sapnap x reader angst #sapnap x yn angst #angst #dteam angst #dream team angst

[ateriblewriter]

Not Like This {2} (q.h)

a/n: im sorry. i dont feel like this is my greatest. prove me wrong. please let me know if y’all want another part. i have maybe 2 more parts.

warnings: sad. sickness. possible looming death.

Enjoy!

part1 part3

“There’s not much more we can do right now. It’s a waiting game. We always knew there was a possibility this day would come Quinn.” The doctor informed Quinn that the inevitable was coming sooner rather than later. Dr. Pete had been there with the couple through this whole ordeal that started just before baby Theo was born.

A month before baby Theo was born Y/N had a cold. Or what she had thought was the cold. After a week of coughing and fatigue, her heart would start rapiding racing with a constant pain in her chest. After all the tests and scans that had been ordered Y/N had been diagnosed with a heart condition that should have cleared up weeks after the baby had been born.

But of course nothing was ever that easy in life.

“What about that transplant you mentioned last time we were here? Is that still an option?” Quinn ran his fingers through his hair. This couldn’t be happening, not yet at least.

Looking through the window of your room, he watched Y/N holding a giggling Theo on your lap, the most beautiful smile dancing around her face. Quinn hated how fast everything was coming to an end. He needed his family, Theo was going to need his mother. He had to have more time with her.

“We talked about this at the last appointment. Y/N isn’t exactly at the top of the list. If we would be able to get our hands on a viable heart, with how weak her body is there is no telling if it would even actually take.” The doctor reminded him of the meeting they had a couple of months ago.

“My heart is getting worse isn't it?” Y/N asked her boyfriend when he entered the room. Quinn had just gotten done speaking with the doctor again, about their options to slow the damage to being done to it.

“The medication is working anymore, and they don't know if your body would withstand the open heart surgery that you would need for a transplant.” Quinn wanted to hit something. He had all this anger built up inside him and he needed a release. If he was anywhere but here he would hesitate to take something out.

Y/N tried not to get worked up in her current state. Y/N weakly raised her hand to cover her cough that sounded pretty bad, but that was normal for her condition. Once the small fit was over Y/N tried speaking again.

“I just want to go home, I don’t want to be here. Please Quinn. I. I.” Y/N wheezed, breathing heavily. Quinn grabbed the baby out of its mother’s arms. Y/N was struggling. He hated watching her like this. But how are you supposed to react when you’re dying?

Looking anywhere other than at his girlfriend in bed, Quinn noticed the time was getting closer to Theo’s naptime. He grabbed a bottle to feed to the child and sat on the opposite side of the bed. He knew what she was asking. He also knew it was going to spring her from this joint. “Maybe we could visit Michigan, get the gang together one last time.”

“Babe, you need to stay here. What if a heart becomes available. What if.” Quinn looked Y/N up and down in her sweaty state. He didn’t like this. They were supposed to have more time. She was supposed to be there for his hockey career, and when Theo took his first steps on the ice. They were supposed to get married one day, have more kids, and grow old together.

“Be realistic. Someone is going to be dying and giving me their heart anytime soon. Quinny I’m going to be the one dying” Y/N cut him off, her breathing even more ragged as she was still pretty worked up. Her chest heaving up and down at a rapid pace, trying to calm herself down.

“Hey, hey, hey. Breathe.” Quinn held Theo in one arm and ran his other hand up and down Y/N’s back trying to soothe her with another coughing fit over taking her. This time a pink colored flem made its way up.

“I don’t want to die here. Quinny please.” Her voice was so quiet he almost didn’t hear her as the tears streamed down her face. He wasn’t the one with a heart disease, but watching the one he loved the most breakdown broke his heart.

Any treatment they tried now was most likely not going to work and maybe it was best if they just went home. With it being the middle of the hockey season, Quinn was positive that he couldn’t get all their friends to Vancouver much less Michigan. It would be an impossible feat. But for you he would do everything in his power to get you what you wanted.

“Alright, Babe. I’m going to go talk to someone about getting you released.” Quinn got off the bed and walked over you. He kissed the top of your sweaty forehead. “I don’t think it’s the best to travel right now but maybe they can come here. I’ll make some calls to my family and your brother. Maybe some of the guys can come out.”

please let me know what y’all think. i’d love to hear any thoughts, comments, or complaints.

#quinn hughes #quinn hughes x reader #quinn hughes imagine #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagine #quinn hughes fic

[brownbitchshit]

People who are defending this movie with life saying 'Queer people deserve the cute silly rom-coms', I just wanna say to you that this movie could have been an iconic Queer movie not just in the sense of a rom-com but in the sense of all Queer media. The fact that it didn’t leave up to its potential is heartbreaking. And the two biggest ways Matthew did this movie wrong is

1. Not showing the full extent of the pressure Royal family put on Henry. Softening this narrative by showing Henry is just scared of the scrutiny of public opinion and not his own homophobic grandparent and brother and an age old traditional institution that demands the heir to breed and rule and will rather accept slavery, massacres, rape and colonization over two men loving each other. Stephen Fry's King was barely an obstacle. The way Matthew Lopez watered down Henry's struggles and what it took him to come out and love Alex is just criminal. It's a fictional medium. There was no reason to appease to the royal family here but they tried to keep peace with them for some reason. This sort of just left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't care about whether book plots were kept or not, watering down Henry's character was not fine, was not okay. They kind of watered down Alex's struggles too but given the injustice they've done to Henry,I dont even wanna get into the Alex situation.

2. Another thing that absolutely disgusted me is the fact Matthew Lopez thought it was fine to show Alex coming out on his own without Henry's input. Why even change that? The best part about the story was how important it was for Alex that Henry comes out when he wants to and how Alex runs to him to make sure he's okay and he's sure about them before making any statement. Henry saying he's willing to try and then being outed forcefully, simply doesnt make it okay for Alex to make speeches about their entire relationship without Henry's input. How did he know that Henry wanted their relationship publicly confirmed? What if he wanted to back out? Did Alex confirm it in the movie before he went ahead and said those things? If I was a movie watcher only, maybe I wouldn’t have questioned this. But since I have read the book and I have extensively read about what it meant for Henry and Alex to be outed like this and what it meant for their relatioterms, to be brave and show an united fronts to the world by coming out on their own terms, I cannot accept this change.

Now I didn’t absolutely hate the movie. I really loved how it started. But as the plot progressed, it started to get worse as they kept butchering the story progression and character development when it should've gotten better with time. I personally loved the cast and TZP and Nick have done absolutely their best. But I cannot help blaming the makers of this movie for watering down the intensity of the story, butchering of the character development and ruining the story telling. And I'm sure, anyone who has read the book, won't disagree with me on these points and those who havent read the book and think of me as some bitter bookreader, I'd suggest you to read the book first because then you too would be mad at the film makers for not utilizing this story to its full potential.

#red white and royal blue #red white and royal blue movie #nicholas galitzine #rwrb movie #taylor zakhar perez #hrh prince henry #alex claremont diaz

[hartmannyoukaigirl]

i cant stop thinking abt the official aot highschool au.. usually i am So disinterested in irl and school aus but in this case it is a bit fun because isyama himself came up w it and he made it so stereotypically 2000s american highschool movie themed in a somehow not annoying or bad way

( unhinged rambling ensues )

i literally. do not even like those types of movies. but to imagine the very tragic aot cast in such a light hearted setting is fun and interesting

especially because the characters are every so slightly different and ngl i still want isayama to kill himself bc of the ending but he cooked with that AU

Eren in that au is soooo painfully average but has a bit of edge to him. it is Still Small but its There and i so badly want to draw him going through character development and amping up that edge to 999

And. Also. Itll be a ship comic IF i make it but i dont want to bc i don't rlly like drawing ships

it'll be ao cringy though, and not my usual kind of cringe it is actually in the normie twitter/facebook direction which is why im hesitant and kinda ashamed i even want to draw such a normie thing. my elitism has gotten the better of me

I talked b4 abt how eren and historia are kinda not a bad ship!! and in that au they actually had peak interactions and its. like. its fun to imagine the ( not ) average ( not ) lame nobody of the school eren end up with THE queen bee historie in that au. Their dynamic would be a bit cool although SO STEREOTYPICAL. BUT THATS PRECISELY THE POINT

to explain

in that au historia hates being popular and having a dedicated simp circle ( which she does ) but she's also a bit stuck up. just. a bit. but she doesn't enjoy it

and my girl. has been lowkey fixating on eren anyways because he was kinda the lame loser of the school and when he ended up with geniune friends she GOT JEALOUS and

a whole dramatic arc ensues that ends with her crying bc of bullying and chad eren saves her by lying and taking the blame so she blushes n goes kyaaaa eren ?!?!!!? ( written by the man who ruined the story for eren x m*kasa btw. ) and it ENDS THERE

So. That made me think of me continuing the story aa a fanfic ( drawn doujin ) where eren !! eren :3 :) pays a bit more attention to her because it made me sad how he fr moved on while she still has her dedicated fake simp circle

IN CANON. she loses her beloved gf and gets depressed and it is eren who cheers her up and says she doesnt have to act bubbly or cute or a good girl that he likes her better as her true self :) this cheers her up and makes her gain confidence and. then. eren discovers he kinda chomped his dad and gets depressed and it is historia who says fuck his dad useless bastard anyways & it is better to be selfish and move on for one's own sake. and says theyre the enemies of Humanities and despite the many crimes their families did it doesn't matter and theyll be different ( THEN EREN BECOMES 1000X WORSE LMAO LETS GOO 80% GENOCIDE 💯💯 ) this cheers eren up and makes him Stop being suicidal and actually move forward ( based historia i wish she went on with the 100% seflish personality before isayama ruined her )

OK SO MY POINT IN THE HIGHSCHOOL AU. ITD BE FUNNY IF THEY WENT THROUGH A SIMIALR DEVELOPMENT BUT WITHOUT THE STAKES AND DRAMA AND TRAGEDY OF CANON

where

it is a simple development where eren tells her she doesnt have to be the perfect cute bubbly feminine girl of the school and can just be herself. similar to what he told her in canon. hiatoria goes ?!?!?!??! :"O :") and also >///< and a bit 👉👈 and yknow how it is

Eren also starts noticing her a bit more & hanging out with her and becomes her first real actual friend !! yayayya :3 u could say eren also starts liking her after she shows more of her true personality and stops being stuck up also. yknow. lets go of her super popular fame

but thats just my thoughts. i had the story for a fake dating au ( 💀💀💀💀 I AM ACTUALLY REGRESSING ) bc thats kinda similar to what happened in the canon au !! except yknow as fake dating aus go it stops being fake ( UR KIDDING I WOULDVE NEVER NOTICED ) & they get together 👏👏

MY POINT IN ALL OF THIS

I WANT TO DESIGN THEM BOTH IN PUNK CLOTHINF. THANK U AND GN

#literally unhinged rambling #idk what im even saying or getting at

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[femmesandhoney]

If it's not too intrusive can I ask how you deal w your pmdd ?

I dont have it but my PMS is fucking brutal I was depressed fucking felt like paralyzed in bed due to anxiety, didnt go to classes,then like a few days later i got my period and then everything made sense.

But i just cant like lose a week of my life like this every month. How do you deal with it?

i went on birth control for it but got off of it after a year bc i decided i disliked the effects of birth control, but that did help my symptoms tons and i wouldn't lie to anyone who wanted to go on it bc it did help me, i made a choice to get off of it unrelated to my pmdd.

managing symptoms can be difficult, often my first "response" is to recognize when my emotions are being affected by my pmdd. usually i can tell pretty quickly bc one day i'll walk up and everything makes me rage at the drop of a hat and then get very sad or agitated just as quick, my emotional regulation just being absolutely dogshit to concern anyone around me if they happen to be on the receiving end of my aggression or if they could jump inside my head and see how it was playing out. after so many years knowing i have pmdd, im able to recognize how a lot of that emotional instability isn't "me" and that im being affected by an "outside" force (oncoming period and hormones dropping). i usually do my best to stay mindful of my reactions then and try and do stuff that calms me down and gets my mind away from what had ruptured my emotional state. usually this occurs right in the morning when i get up, so its a fairly quick light bulb moment for me.

and im definitely used to like a shit ton of negative self talk that over the years ive gotten a better hand on, so when those real lows come around, im much better at talking myself out of those low states, but my pmdd doesn't manifest as strongly or too long with huge depressive states. usually, i just try to find other things to distract me when i feel that low, like chatting with friends, family, watching a movie, going on a walk, eating good food, no matter how small can help shift my mood to a more positive direction. when we're down, our brains are really good at thinking about other sad shit, bc our brain sucks like that, so getting ahead of that curve and trying to intentionally distract yourself with better things can generally help. but again, do not feel bad if that doesn't work for you, bc long depressive states aren't what i normally deal with and my advice is general here.

in terms of anxiety and similar emotions, i feel you deeply there. i manage that similar to how i manage any form of anxiety, which is just to do whatever it is that my anxiety thinks i cannot do, as thats the quickest way to rewrite that pathway in ur brain. it can seem very daunting, but it really does help and you can take baby steps all the while. and usually i end up feeling better after i go to whatever it was i was terrified to go to, which when we're feeling terrible af can sometimes make our day a bit better.

i would also say, sometimes i don't do anything during my pmdd time either bc it really does feel like shit even when ive tried combating it and being mindful of myself, some days really do just suck and i wanna lay in bed and hermit away. i don't think you should beat yourself up about that if some months that happens. its gonna happen again even after we have some successes, pmdd can be very unpredictable and sometimes our environment and our day to day lives just affect it even more and cause some months to be worse than others, and that doesn't mean you're lazy or not trying hard enough or anything like that.

#pmdd #i hope this somewhat can be helpful to you #my main things are pretty much mindfulness and distraction tbh #but exercise can be helpful (i never mean intense workout unless thats ur jam) bc going outside can be meditative for us when we really nee #to try and shift our mood to a more neutral place #I've also been managing my pmdd like this for a few yrs now so ive had a lot of practice at finding ways to deal w it that work for me #so don't feel bad if my methods don't help you either im positive you'll find ways even if that includes meds!

[carelessflower]

a HC that has been expanding - inspired by the fic between the lines

Tw/ mention of torture, and mention of rape, mention of murder

Magnus and Alec have been dating for 5 years now since they were 20 (known each other since they were 16), and they are engaged and have adopted baby Max.

There is a sitaution -

Magnus never told Alec about what and who his father

Asmodeus has been in prison since he Magnus was 19, for arson, however he has mudered, exploited, extortion, rapd and traffickig. Witnesses never stuck and evidence doesnt lead to him, the arson incident was witneessed and recorded

HEADCANON BEGINS:

While Alec and Max was out with his mother, Magnus is at his appartment renovating when his phone rings, and Magnus answers and was met with a worried tone from Ragnor saying:

"Have you heard? Has Johnathan called you?" Ragnor says, his voice shaky,

Magnus was now confused

"No he hasnt rang. Why? Whats going on?"

Ragnor just tells him right there and then

"Your father is out of prison"

And the world stop's for magnus for a second as he felt his heart thump quicker.

"When did he get out."

Ragnor was quite and Magnus heard Raphael voice

"Yesterday, are you safe?

Magnus looked around and grabbed a pen and began scirbbling on a piece of paper as he tapped his left foot.

"Magnus are you safe?" Ragnor's voice repeated as Magnus heard shushing in the background.

"Yeah..I am, my dad he wont come to me not yet..if he wants to make himself known to me, he would, he doesnt know where I live." Magnus said as he threw the pen at the opposite end of the room, hitting the wall.

"Raphael says that have you told Alec?"

Why now? Why? FUCK

"No I havent..I..shit Ragnor I cant.."

"what the fuck do you mean you cant? Havent you told him about your dad?"

Magnus was now fiddling with another pen, twirlling it around his fingers.

"I was going to tell him truth!" Magnus got a notifcation from Alec which wrote "at a cafe do you want anything" magnus quickly typed coffee.

After a few awkward minutes, Ragnor spoke again.

"Magnus why didnt you tell him?"

"Max died then, and he was murdered, Alec was distraught and so was the rest of his family, they didnt know who kil - " pictures of his dad's friend covered in blood, a small child's body in the car, and the exchange of money.

"Ragnor my dad killed him, he told me when I confronted him about it, he said that the Lightwoods needed to be taught a lesson."

"Why the fuck didnt you tell the policr about this?"

Magnus repsonded back "I was scared Ragnor.. ive seen him do a lot of bad stuff, I did bad stuff, if i snitched and sent my dad to prison, sure as hell was going to drag me down or worse - my dad he doesnt torture just to get revenge or petty, he enjoys it...Ragnor...

The door opened, and in came Alec holding two coffees and a brown paper bag that smelt of bakery.

"Alec is here, gotta go" he hung up as he kissed his fiance

"Where is Max"

"He fell asleep at mom's so I left him there, gonna go back though, everything okay, looks like youve seen a ghost."

Magnus let out a chuckle as sipped his coffee and took a bite out of the doughnut.

"Alexander..I need to talk to you about something, can you sit down."

"Is everything okay?? Do you want hold off on the wedding? Dont you w-" Alec sat down as Magnus grabbed his hands and placed his hands in his.

"Its about my biological dad?"

Alec raised a brow at this,

"Your dad???"

Magnus felt his world collapsing, as a future with Alec and his son not by his side.

"Magnus, what about your dad? Your scaring me?

Magnus eyes stared into his

"My dad did some bad stuff"

"Like what?"

"He was in prison for a minor charge arson and assult, and he got 6 years, he could have gotten a life sentencd, but there was no evidence, witnesses and his assosicates didnt give him up an - "

"Okay Magnus, just take some deep breaths. And tell me what did he do?"

Magnus muslces tensed, as his hands were sweaty and cold.

"He was a crimelord, he traffiked, exploited, murdered, raped , he tortured."

Alec just looked at him

"Did you know?"

Magnus stayed silent and looked at the floor. He felt Alec stand up as he was pacing

"Thats why you were - you knew and you didnt tell anyone. You fuck Magnus, 6 years thats this year?"

"He got out yesterday." Magnus whispered, not looking at Alec who was pulling at his hair

"Are you safe here?"

"Yes" Magnus respnded, he hoped he was safe in his appartment.

"I want you to answer me some questions, yes and no answers okay?"

Magnus finally looked at Alec, as he had tears in his eyes.

"Okay"

Alec asked the first question, which made Magnus wince.

"If your dad never got out, were you going to tell me."

"No but Alec - "

"I said only yes and nos. Next question, you were uncertain you wanted to adopt Max, was that because of your father?"

"Y...yes."

"Did your dad ever abuse you?"

"No" a question Magnus has been asked multiple times

"Have you hurt somebody?"

Magnus looked at Alec..he looked at the door, and back at Alec, and then the photo frames of them two and then a few with Max.

He didnt want to cry

"Yes."

"Have you killed somebody?"

Magnus nodded,

"I..I cant be around you at the moment, im going to my mom's okay..god." Magnus eyes were on alec, as he grabbed a bag and packed his stuff and Max's.

He coudlnt speak, he was frozen, his legs was stiff

Alec looked at Magnus and mouthed a love you before closing the door.

He felt sick, his heart was thumping, his feet tingled, tears pooling out as he heard his phone ring, he stood up, shaking, he saw it was Catarina, he declined her call, as he felt dizzy, tears made it difficult to see, as he wiped his eyes with his sleeve, as his phone buzzed again, and again it was Catarina, he sighed angrily and answered but was met with silence.

"Hello Magnus, long time, no see." That was when he froze.

"How...is Cat ?"

"ohh Catarina is fine, arent you my dear.." he heard her cry, Magnus saw red,

"If you want to see her again, meet me on Washington Street near brooklnn bridge."

"What makes you think i wouldnt call the cops"

His dad laughed, as Cat let out a cry again

"Okay..okay."

"Anyway im a free man, even of you do snitch..ill just tell your little bitch of a fiance what you did. And ill make sure he never sees you again. So meet me there in an hour, or the pretty white haired gets it." He hung up, as Magnus screamed, grabbing his jacket, he looked at his phone, and called for a cab, half an hour.

Half an hour.

Thats bassicaly it.

ANON THIS IS SO GOOD I WANT MORE PLS GIVE ME MORE

#ask #talented anon

[omi-papus]

I remembered again that Kubo and the two strings is THE example for when killing off characters actually dosent serve or help the story but makes it worse.

That movie is compleatly ruined by the deaths of monkey and beetle, because without them there is NOTHING. Its simply cruel and empty.

Kubo ends up worse than he did at the start. Like yhea hes got more power now but in service of what? The grandfather was the only real threat so thats useless.

And there is no argument to be made that he “matured” or whatever, because first of all that message that little kids need to be traumatized into functional adulthood before theyre even mentally delevoped enough is bullshit, but its not even true here.

He was already mature. A dreamer for sure but it was always very clear that it was a talent for telling stories, he didnt belive in what he said or was in any way childish or delusional. He was already financially, emotionally, and fisically providing for the only adult he really has and even then she is incapable of even really being “there” with him half the time.

This movie gives him a family, gives his mother another chance at life, his father finally stops being lost in the world and the two people who loved eachother so much that they brought all of this upon themselves met again by fate.

And it all just ends in nothing.

Monkey dies terrified and in pain, Beetle barely has the time to process finding his wife again, and never gets to fulfil his promise to her to take care of her son. Kubo is left even more alone than he was before, having learned nothing of value to take care of himself or how to cope with his situation, but now having gotten a taste of a life he will never have.

Their deaths arent shocking, tragic, meaningfull or even sad. They essentially end the movie right when they happen and leave nothing.

The movie isnt about the pointlessness of death or hopelessness in the future or severe trauma. It has an action scene and pretends that that solved anything. Its not even like Kubo wanted revenge for his parents or something. He killed his grandfather out of pure self defense.

Getting rid of a character also gets rid of every purpose they served, everything they meant to the narrative and any posibilities they brought to the table. And in this case turned a wonderful movie about family and belonging into very well produced trash.

I will be mad about this for the rest of my life I swear to god.

I watched it a long time ago so I dont remember Beetle and Monkeys human names sorry.

#kubo y la busqueda del samurai #kubo and the two strings #kubo

[butch-bakugo]

You know what? Fuck it, shout out to those who arent seeking help.

To those who arnt trying to heal and move on. Who are too uncomfortable to seek medication or just dont feel like using those resources. To those who dont want reminders or someone to talk to. Who dont want therapy or doctors or even to tell others about their struggles. To those who dont care about "success"(healing and "getting over it") stories. To those who dont care if their family or friends or partner(s) know about it or how they feel about it. To those who arnt seeking help.

I see you. And i know you cause i am you. I get being tried of the narrative surrounding every illness or disability or hurt people is all about recovery and if you talk about your experiences in it when recovery isnt your only goal, your tossed out as a toxic person. How to get better and move on. How to see the light at the end of that tunnel. How to feel ok again but the reality is that not everyone will ever "feel ok" again. Healing is 2 things depending on who your asking and their intentions. Either its "acting normal" and "moving on" and never talking about it or being affected by it again because you got 1 year of therapy or you've been on meds for 3 years or you got your mobility aide. Or its just superficial "whenever you dont think about it 😚" or " whatever makes you the happiest!".

Ive been told to shut up and gotten shut out of ptsd support groups for venting in appropriate places to appropriate people that i didnt think id ever "be ok" again. For saying that i wasnt sure how to feel about this being something i experience for the rest of my life. For feeling hopeless, lost and alone. Not suicidal, at least not openly and being told i was hurting the other members progress by being such a "downer". For being scared to lose myself in recovery because the only "me" ive known is one whose traumatized and not able to heal from it.

Healing is so fucking scary and you have every right to be afraid. Doctors can suck and retraumatize you. Medications can make you feel nothing which is terrifying. Having the only thing you ever see in realtion to your illness or disorder or disability be about how to overcome it and how to heal and how to "jumpstart the road to recovery!" Is fucking toxic.

The event is one pain and the recovery is 10x worse. Its coming out of denial and figureing out what it even is and learning to accept it will be there forever and learning to be ok with that and test driving 6 medications and speaking to even more than 6 doctors and going through therapists like drops of water and feeling rejected by friends and family for not healing immediately and falling behind at work/in school and relapseing back into a mindset where you dont think you'll ever recover and then wanting to die and then being made to feel guilty by doctors when your forced in and being put on even more medication and being retraumatized by a doctor at the ward and then finally convincing them your safe to be home then repeating the cycle now with the trauma the doctor at the ward gave you over and over again.

You never feel safe or loved or accepted or even like youll ever feel ok again and the community dose nothing. They tell you you must ve recovering or else your too doomy and you'll turn others away from help or god forbid cause a death that is somehow your fault because you were honest about your feelings.

The only good traumatized and sick person isnt traumatized or sick anymore. They are past it all and have gone on to do better things. They never bring up their pain or relapses. They are never triggered by anything. They were healed by one medication at the right dose from the get go and the dose was low. They never needed another therapy session after the first one. They dont even have ugly scars! They arent you thats for sure and if you dont heal immediately, your just trying to make recovery difficult.

I understand why people dont want to introduce people in crisis to those who are hopeless about recovery but you cant just silence those who arent recoverying or stopped trying to. You cant tell them to shut up or refuse them a platform just because they didn't come out sparkling clean from the bigoted capitalist medical system of america. How is that fair? Choosing not to heal any further is a tough choice. Its one made of fear and pain to decide that the fear and pain they currently have is enough for them to not seek potential further fear and pain that may be present in recovery.

People don't say recovery is easy but they also dont say it can be just as hard as the event or illness that caused it. Some people are generally done with all doctors after a few non-traumatic but definitely uncomfortable events with doctors. Speaking from experience, i was almost completely done with therapists once one got very close to me and made me feel trapped in the room alone with him then told me he couldnt help me because i couldnt guarantee i wasnt going to kill myself. I was 15 yrs old. I had a doctor who talked over me and refused to listen to any of my grievances once she had a blood test in her hands. I was 20 yrs old. I now tread very lightly with therapists and almost never want to see another rheumatologist again.

I wont dive any deeper into personal experience but i can say from almost triple the experiences above with the medical system, i understand how it feels to be scared of medical recovery and actively not seek it unless forced to. I understand the fear and discomfort it brings and you should never be forced to seek medical help you dont want wether physically or manipulatively by family or friends.

Unless you are a tangible danger to others, you should only ever seek recovery and healing for yourself, never for others. Though loved ones do benefit from seeing you happy and healthy, you should never feel guilty about not getting it when you dont want to. You dont have to see a dentist every year. Every 3 is fine. You should see your normal doctor once a year at least. Refusing medical help can be deadly.

But as long as you arnt dieing from an illness or suicidal, you are allowed to seek medical help at your own pace and never let someone make you feel guilty for that. Your health is your choice and your responsibility. So if it gose down because you ignored it, thats on you but you dont have to seek help that you dont want and no one can force you.

Speak up for yourself because nobody else will.

#levi speaks #abuse tw #tw abuse #ableism

[angelonasher]

my last post was an elaborate ruse to get to ramble about my own hanahaki au idea

because i dont anyone will read this but i need to talk about it-

(it's myct btw)

ahem anyway-

So we mainly follow Pearl, our wonderful Pearlescentmoon, as she hacks out flowers into her trash can. Does she know why she's coughing up petals? No. But she's been doing it for a while, so maybe its time to stop procrastinating and search up her symptoms online.

Hanahaki. (wha-)

anyway she finds a website about a (somewhat experimental) program relating to the hana-diseases. she's like aight seems legit, seems cheap, why not?

So, hanahaki's been around as long as soulmates have been around (nobody knows when soulmates became a thing) but its only in the past 10 years that people have really started studying it (and trying to find more reliable cures)

Hanakanjo and hanauso have been studied for even less, but apparently this program is reaching into those too.

Anyway, she goes to the program place, and meets some people, other patients, basically.

A larger facility, with more patients and volunteers, it would be sorted by which hana-disease you got, but this is fairly small, so it's separated between platonic and romantic love.

(There are some other sections of the program, such as the very experimental stuff regarding the side-effects of/recovering from hanahaki surgery. but not what Pearl's here for)

the person in charge of our little ragtag group of flower-related relationship problems is uh- i never actually thought- Stress. yeah. why not.

to top it all off, here's a list: (everything's platonic unless i say otherwise)

Pearl: hanahaki. it- it's scott. of course it's scott. they were really good friends but the second they became/discovered that they were soulmates, he suddenly wanted nothing to do with her. very sad :( she got yellow roses and burgundy dhalias. can't really tell that they're yellow- cause- blood- but yeah

Tango: hanakanjō : got lots of flowers and a lot of thorn-shaped scars. poor guy :(

Joel: hanahaki : he mostly just vibes and makes jokes. and coughs. his hanahaki's gotten pretty bad, and he's had it for a while. he's got a whole array of flowers, but mostly irises and yellow roses

Scar: hanauso : at first, he'd make small talk, show around his cat jellie, scam everyone else out of small things like pencils, and started making a credit system. (except he somehow scammed jimmy into life-long loyalty? pearl has no idea how that works) but as his disease got worse, he can't talk so much. now it's just jellie. he still manages to scam people, though. He refuses to talk about whoever's causing it, and mostly grows poppies.

Martyn : double hanahaki : pearl hates him. that's all you have to know

Fundy : hanahaki : everytime i think i'm out of the dsmp fandom I stuff dsmp!fundy somewhere- is the dsmp even a fandom still? he's had his hanahaki for the longest out of anyone (although it's not as bad as joel's), familial hanahaki, actually. wilbur bcuz why not. he's accepted that he's just going to have it instead of opting for surgery, and he uses an oxygen tank a lot. purple hyacinths and petunias. he's in the program not because he thinks it'll help, but because "his friends convinced him to"

Jimmy : he's just there to be Tango's supportive soulmate. and he brings little gifts and snacks. he's very much appreciated (and by very much appreciated i mean everyone teases him but wouldn't trade his friendship for the world.)

Etho : he's actually from another part of the program but pops in from time to time. gives advice on how to manage hanahaki while he's there

Lizzie : Joel's fiance and sometimes comes to say hi. brought cupcakes once. she's apparently jimmy's brother

Bdubs : came twice with etho, once looking for him. apparently a volunteer at the program.

Grian : he appeared once and seemed to know Scar and Jimmy. in a very strained relationship kind of way. he had a whole lot of white lilacs in his outfit. seems familiar

as you can see it's mostly double life people because yeah. i am not big brain enough to think of more people right now

if you got to the end, thanks for that, actually /gen

#life series au #hanahaki #myct #au #soulmates #platonic love #word vomit #hanahaki au

[shrug-em0ji]

had not intended to readmorepost but this is long and rambly and has some sensitive stuff i think?

i mentioned to my coworkers the other day that my mom was a pathological liar (it was relevant, i promise) and neither of them dug for further details but i got caught in this loop of wanting to explain and justify it, probably because its a thing that i used to do a LOT and have only recently gotten better about. but i was thinking about like. why people lie. and my mom and i in particular. and about how when you are hurt profoundly, especially over a prolonged period of time, in ways that people cant see and often dont acknowledge as being worthy of consideration, it becomes really easy to just. fudge the details a little bit. add in an extra pinch of violence. make it sound just a little worse so that when people react their response is proportional to how you felt rather than to what happened.

i have a story that i have often used as an example of the things that happened a lot when i was growing up - i was supposed to be cleaning my room, but i was a kid, and i was bored and overwhelmed by the mess, so i sat down on the floor, on a pile of clothes, and spent 45 minutes daydreaming about my toys coming to life and helping me. when my dad came upstairs to check on me and saw that i hadnt cleaned at all, he got really angry and picked up a little armchair that i had in my room and threw it at my wall hard enough to leave a decently big hole.

for a long time, when i told this story, i said that he threw the chair at me and missed, that i didnt hear him come in, that i had been working and he just wasnt happy with how far id gotten. and i used to get really angry at myself for lying about it - obviously, if im lying to make it sound worse it must not have been that bad, im making a huge deal out of nothing, theres no reason for this to even be a thing that i tell anyone ever. but it was the opposite. i was on the floor, in the only place that i felt safe or like i had any modicum of control over, and someone who was supposed to care for me came in, towered over me, made me feel small and helpless, and then intentionally picked up a large heavy object and threw it across the room because he knew it would scare me. he wanted me to be very very aware at all times how big and strong and angry he was, and how helpless i was to stop him. "even in this safe quiet space that is yours i can break your stuff and hurt you, you are not really safe here at all, i am always in control"

but like!!! i was a kid!!! i didnt understand the concept of subtext! now, when i tell people that my dad threw stuff a lot when i was a kid, im usually talking to people who understand that throwing things is inherently threatening. it is a thing that abusive people do to scare you and let you know that they want to hurt you and they can hurt you if you make them. but when i was growing up this was very much not the case! if i told an adult my dad threw stuff their response would be "well you didnt get hurt so you're fine, nothing to complain about"

so i lied about it, because i was terrified of him and needed people to believe that he was terrifying.

i was reading a book recently - one of the big abuse books that everyone recommends, though i dont recall precisely which - and i got to a bit about incest and immediately felt so unbelievably guilty. i never accused anyone in my family of sexual abuse but i wanted to so badly, and i never understood why. i just felt like id been taken advantage of, like my body didnt belong to me, like i was tainted and ruined somehow, but no one had ever really done anything so i had no reason to feel that way.

and then i kept reading and the author specifically started drawing attention to specific behaviors - not illegal behaviors, not behaviors that get you barred from having custody of your kids, just... weird stuff. a parent drawing attention to their kids body, making sexual innuendos about them, commenting on their imagined sexual activity. stuff my dad did. "you'll probably be really good at sex someday, just make sure you dont end up a whore like your mom" "i miss when you were a little kid, now youre ready to start popping out babies" "people will say anything to make me look bad, i bet theyre spreading rumors about us sleeping together" "youre almost like a wife, theres just a few really important things you cant do"

it made me feel....... gross. and i didnt know why. i didnt understand it. i wanted very badly to not feel that way, but not as much as i wanted someone to understand that i felt that way.

i stopped showering regularly in middle school, when i moved back in with my dad, because i didnt want to be naked in the same house as him and my brothers (for related reasons) but i could never explain it to anyone. i spent a lot of time in the guidance counselors office being questioned about what the problem was and utterly unable to find the words, or really understand it myself. so it got chalked up to being lazy. and i just spent several years absolutely hating myself and not understanding why i felt the way that i did. i wanted to lie to explain it and could never quite get there. and then the other thing happened and gave me a plausible explanation so i ran with it, and have continued running with it for years now, despite the fact that the worst symptoms predate it by 3 years.

im not.... entirely certain why i wrote this out. i think its just been stuck in my head for a while now? and i wanted to say it. i wanted to be able to say "here is a real thing that happened to me and here is how i felt and feel about it and actually i dont care if you think my feelings arent proportional to the events, i need to be able to accept this as a thing that happened if im ever gonna get over it"

so fuck it.

#probably dont read this

[schizopositivity]

Hi there. First, I love your blog and have been finding it very helpful lately. Second, I just wanted some insight on what I'm currently going through. A traumatic event happened to me recently and I'm still dealing with the aftermath, it feels like it's made all my symptoms get worse and caused some old ones to resurface again, and I'm scared of things getting worse. The most convenient counseling available to me (in terms of the location and price) doesn't deal with more severe mental health conditions. They told me not to go back to them because they could only handle things like mild circumstantial depression and stress. So now I am trying to get back into long term therapy with a professional who'd be more equipped to handle cases like mine, but in the meantime, what coping mechanisms do you suggest just to keep me afloat for a while until I can access a professional again?

I don't want to get too detailed and unintentionally trigger anyone, but basically my intrusive thoughts have gotten especially bad (in all senses - frequency, intensity, how graphic/detailed they get), my "unhealthy beliefs" are becoming more obvious to the people around me and it's been interfering with my daily functioning, some other stuff has been going on that's hard to put into words tbh and overall it feels like my brain never gets a break from itself since it's so damn "loud" and it feels like the thoughts won't shut off. Sorry since I realize this is kind of a heavy topic, please don't feel pressured but if you have any resources or just advice from your own experience about how to cope with this for a while, I'd appreciate it a lot, please. I'm currently not a danger to myself or others because I do have family with me and they watch after me (check in on me, monitor my meds, etc.) but there is still that "divide" between me and them where they don't fully grasp what I'm going through and it just feels like hell inside of my own brain. Thank you.

first off im really sorry you went through something traumatic recently. you didnt deserve that or the after effects you got from it. i went through something traumatic earlier this year and it also made my symptoms worse, so youre not alone in that.

heres one resrouce, you can click on "what should i do if i experienced a traumatic event?"

as for dealing with intrusive thoughts, one thing i do is right after they happen i think to myself "obviously thats not what im thinking" or "clearly thats not my real conscious thoughts" as a way to dismess them as just intrusive thoughts and not anything to do with how i really feel. to discredit them and not give them any deeper meaning.

id also encourage you to talk more to your family and friends, to really open up and tell them the truth and how youre feeling and what youre thinking. most people want to know whats really going on with their loved ones. plus you never know what kind of advice and support they could offer until you open up. and maybe if talking isnt an easy way to show your emotions maybe do it through drawings or poetry, or even showing them a song or movie you relate to right now.

i wish you luck on getting the professional help you deserve. and if its possible, dont settle for someone you dont feel comfortable talking to or someone that isnt equipted to handle your problems. you wont offend a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist by changing to a different one, its their job to help you and if they cant its totatally normal and appropraite to switch to someone else, they dont take it personally.

#answered

[just-a-dumb-gay]

I think I just found out why i crave validation online from strangers (like comments on fanfics). And why praise and compliments on something I done always make me so happy.

I rarely got rewards as a kid for doing good things. And Ive gotten even less as I've grown up.

TL;DR (because there's explanation and tangenting below the cut): I pretty much never get or have gotten praise or rewards or anything similar because I was doing things that I should be doing anyways because society perceives it all as normal and easy and it's only gotten worse as Ive gotten older. So now my achievements and cool stuff being acknowledged with genuine enthusiasm means the world.

SO GO GIVE POSITIVE VIBES TO YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, ESPECIALLY ANY KIDS IN YOUR LIFE, EVEN JUST A REALLY COOL STRANGER ONLINE!! IT MAKES SO MUCH MORE OF A DIFFERENCE THAN A LOT OF PEOPLE REALIZE!

Actual accomplishments? Nope. Perfect report cards (minus attendance because I'm not superhuman, I got sick like 99% of other kids. And just gym ew it was so boring) and endless praise during parents night (because gifted kid plus a pile of anxiety and autism that was scared to get in trouble).

Now I wanna specify I did get little things like some sweets or like a couple pounds as pocket money but that was 9/10 times for helping with chores or something that I didn't HAVE to help with. Those things I done because I wanted to help, and ngl a few of the tasks were fun so I wanted to do them without expecting anything in return. So just a quick side note but still somewhat relevant.

I should also specify since the adult Im closest to is my dad, his opinion and everything means way more tor me than it should.

I never even got a simple "I'm proud of you" from my dad (who has seen me every day minus like a month in total in my entire 18 years of living). And he taught me A LOT outside of school. Life skills, creative skills, problem solving skills. Even when I do good with all of that honestly I don't think he's ever said that to me even Once. Now I don't have it as bad as many many others because I would still get things like "Good job" or "Well done" but they were kinda half hearted and its still taken its toll on me. (Because even though others have something worse doesn't mean we're not allowed to have strong feelings about our personal situation)

I have an abundance of health issues and doing so many things has became extremely challenging for me. Yesterday, I went to my first medical appointment completely alone, and it was a dentist appointment and I have deppresso teeth so dentists are terrifying. When my dad got home from work I was telling him about it and everything and how happy I was it went well despite now having a temporary filling in a tooth Im most likely gonna lose. Yknow what his reaction was after I had tangented for like 10 minutes out of happiness then had to stop and take a breath? "Okay I'm gonna finish eating my dinner now" in his 'im pretending to joke yet I'm being serious' tone (which is a whole other issue). Like... dude... I managed to do my first bus journey, medical appointment and mild medical procedure completely 100% alone, 3 things that absolutely terrify me, AND YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR FOOD?!

My partner said they were proud of me multiple times yesterday. My friend hyped me up and offered enthusiastic and entertaining support. Those 2 and 2 other friends (one I dont speak to quite as regular and another who ive been friends with for roughly 9 years and am super close to but we talk like 1 or 2 times a month) are always super supportive in their own individual ways and Im still not used to it, and I don't think I ever will be.

So I guess long tangent short. My accomplishments were always just treated as average things that were expected of me similar to just simply being at school on time. And anything I created usually had a flaw pointed out (not in a constructive criticism way, Im always open to constructive criticism) and the most that'd be said is "Looks good" or "Thats nice". So now praise and/or enthusiastic support (both are equal to me) for accomplishments mean the absolute world. And comments on fanfics or any other sort of positive acknowledgement of something I created makes me feel like what I done was actually a good use of my time.

I could say a lot more but I just need to rant for a bit, and this is probably gonna get like 3 notes max.

#neurodivergent #gifted kid burnout

[offmychest-official]

in a week itll be a year. i should be over it by now i should be over it. when all of this went down i was so ready and willing to accept your judgement when you passed it, so used to being the one in the wrong, the abandoned. but everything you said was in the vaguest terms. i couldnt figure out what i did, and my lack of memories didnt help. you didnt tell me what i did. you made me disappear. i cut myself down as small as possible so i would never cross your mind, never show up in your life again. you did not afford me the same sensibility. i spent the better part of a year terrified of social situations cos i didnt know what i did wrong, didn't know what to stop doing, didn't know what signs to look for or what thinking to change. i spent the better part of a year seeing people do unimaginably worse than what i felt i did + still loved + still cared for + still helped, though i can't be sure, cos i dont remember. maybe i did do something even worse? maybe i am the monster? after all, i'm "sickening". im "fucked in the head and stupid for it". i spent the better part of a year walking into narratives about second chances + forgiveness, completely + utterly convinced i was too monstrous to be given the grace of either. but the more i try to grasp at the memories i do have + the memories of what you said. hypocrite. you all called me a hypocrite. you called me a hypocrite for not communicating. all i can remember is trying my best to communicate. trying my best to clear things up. actually going to people with my misconceptions was a huge fucking step for me, + every time i was wrong i apologized. but you. you never came to me. you never came to me with a single thing, not even once. you never said anything i did hurt you. i kept asking, if i do something wrong you'll tell me right? you'll tell me? you always went of course i would. you never did. i had to find out after the fact that you didn't. that you kept lying and lying and lying and lying. i remember clearly, a diamond of an intact memory, asking you, "you'll be honest with me, right?" you responding "of course i'll be honest." you lied and lied and lied and lied to me. you were, in fact, hurt, by things i did or said, + just never brought it up to me. ever. that you held grudges for two years before exploding on me that day when i couldn't communicate anything cos id been raped and was on benzos barely comprehending it or anything happening to me. that day i didnt kill myself cos i stepped back and thought, wait, i want to keep talking to these people more than i want to die - these people who threw me to the wolves the moment i tried to come back to their doorstep, looking for any kind of comfort from the delusion, from the relentless abuse. now i hear youre saying how you 'survived' me. youre telling everyone how terrible i was. you keep going on and on about how youre such a good friend, a good person, compassionate. i remember how i suffered while you watched uncaring. how never once did you ever message me at all without prompting, never once asked me if i was ok, never once asked about my day or why i was acting a certain way, never once asked for clarification if you misunderstood, just held a grudge. sure, you mightve asked me if i was okay once, when id gotten to the point where i could not function + was experiencing category errors + acting erratic, but the moment i deflected - wounded, finding it hard to trust, convinced you'd already made it clear earlier you didn't care - its out of your hands, can't be helped! you never once lifted a finger to help, while i was always trying to help you + see if you were alright, you hypocritical fuck and you're crying about how youre so loyal and hold onto things so hard when i know for a fact i held onto my rapist harder than you held on to me. you were all too eager to let me go! just like my rapist told me you would be. you're a fair weather friend and you don't even fucking know it

the family i come from is a toxic, caustic cesspool. i know that. i knew that. maybe i didn't realize what seemed level headed to me came off as aggressive + lashing out to other people. but you could have told me. you could have acted like a human. you could have acted like EYE was a human. but no, its so much easier to shoot the bleeding dog when it shows up on your doorstep and call it a wolf to your friends, isn't it? after all, beaten dogs don't get loving homes. they get put down. they're a danger! i want to be over this. but it hurts it hurts it hurts every time it comes back into my head i feelfeverish i feel nauseous and faint head going in circles. i am being skinned to the bone while alive i am being vivisected. i will never know what i did wrong and you will never know what happened with me. we have to live like this. closure is a myth people tell themselves exists to feel better.

.

#off your chest #rape #drugs #abuse #I'm not sure if this is part of the last ask or not so it's going into the queue like it's a seperate ask #sorry if it is