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lover-of-mine · 23 days

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Your last post is funny bc just TODAY I watched that season finally. I’m literally 2 episodes into season 5 right now. As someone who just watched that for the first time (and hadn’t noticed it WAS the season finally when I started watching it) I was losing my goddamn MIND watching those episodes. Just constantly 😯😯😯. I began watching 911 when I started seeing posts circulating about Buck being bi. At the time I had no idea who he was other than the occasional gif set but it made me intrigued and I have been HOOKED. Literally trying to get through as many episodes as possible so I can watch the episodes live. Questions for you (since I have no one else to talk to about the show); when did you start watching? Have you had any predictions while watching the show that didn’t/ did come true? Like for me when I watched season 1 and Abby went to the fire department for the first time I SWORE up and down that her and Bobby were meant to be endgame (was clearly wrong lol). But also after Chris got stuck in the Tsunami I called it that something would happy to Harry later on (just a feeling that no one was safe lol, not even the kids). I’m just so curious to see what the fandom theories have been over time lol since I missed out on it!

Yeah, no, watching suspicion/survivors for the first time is WILD. Like, imma be honest and bit oversharing, I watched the show for the first time in a depressive episode, so I watched everything up to 5x10 in like, 6 days according to the posts I made on Tumblr about it, so I didn't realize theorize about anything, I was just hitting next episode like my life depended on it. But I didn't know anything about the show, like, at all, I had just watched 911 lone star in a weekend because it was on the tv and there were only like, 20 episodes of it out it at the time and a network in my country was just showing all of them on a loop, and I opened the Disney app fully intending to rewatch grey's anatomy, and 911 was the first show on my recommended to you list, and I had liked lone star enough, and was like sure why not. And I legit couldn't stop watching. All of this happened the week before 5x11 aired on the us, so 5x11 was the first episode I watched like "live" (the first episode I actually watched live was 5x16) but I watched it in the same week, I think I finished on a Tuesday? And the episode aired on Monday. I can't really give you any theories I have witnessed so far because they would be spoilers tho, but if you wanna come back once you catch up we can talk about some of the madness that goes around here. But I had the same thing happen to me, I didn't realize it was the season finale, and I didn't know anything about the show, so I had no idea what was happening, and I thought I had learned my lesson with the tsunami arc, because I watched 3x01 at like 3 am fully saying this is the last episode I will watch and then I'm gonna go to bed, and then the tsunami hit, and I was like well fuck and then Chris fell in the water and next thing I know is 5 am and Eddie is making me cry at the end there. But I saw the 13 and didn't realize the season only had 14 episodes and then everything kept happening. I seriously cannot imagine what it was like to be forced to wait a week between those 2 episodes it was SO CRAZY. When Eddie got shot I legit froze. Watching that for the first time not knowing it's coming is SOMETHING. I do remember thinking that they were gonna kill Shannon but I didn't expect to be right, I also remember clocking that Jason was Doug pretty fast. Something funny tho, I remember posting that meme that's like "I've had blank for 1 day and a half but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this room and myself" with Buck and I waited until I had been watching for a day and a half, that means I posted it while watching the season 2 finale. I hit post and the truck blew up and I legit went like ????????? and that is still the most ironic thing that ever happened to me while posting about 911 kspskspkspakapkapa (here's the post, I actually came back to edit the tags because I was in shock lol) and I laugh every time I remember that lol but I'm glad you're enjoying the show, you can come back to talk to me about it any time!;

#i feel very luck to not know whats coming never in this show #i mean #we did know a few things with promos and stuff but like #i never had any major spoiler going into any episode for the first time and i love that #anon 😌#i really need a tag for asks #911

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mbti-notes · 11 months

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Anon wrote: Hello, Thank you for all the insightful posts . I am an INTP and the Issue I am having now Is I am born in a third world country in a small town not economically thriving . A non democratic country that doesn't teach you anything of substance , the elite kids go to the west and we the poor people have to study in rote memorization and passing the exam and before we know it the aha moment of how weak we are hit harder .

I dropped out from university in order to medicate myself from tuberculosis , and then I get cured , and the corona virus lock-down happened and then my father died and my aunt died . All have effected me deeply . The money I have saved for future interviews was wasted . And Now I am definitely in a Si loop , stuck and sometimes my mind and daydreaming sends me to dark places , wishing death upon myself , wanting to just end it , imagining myself being angry and hitting someone and hitting his face with my feet . I truly have become unhealthy and destructive . Feeling guilty , imagining how I could have done it better .

I constantly feel worthless and think how useless I am and how I wish I was never born because I am not going to be amounted to anything ever . The home situation is unhealthy , I have always been belittled , made feel worthless , insinuated to feel bad about myself . I remember since I was a kid , never felt loved or cared for , just been reminded how odd , slow , in my head , and not going to be as much as good as whom ever they compare me with .

I have an unhealthy ESFJ mother who can't be reasoned with . Explosive , hot temper , not logical or cares about clear communication . Her and my sister are truly insecure . I will Explain a scenario , we are in a bad economical situations , my brother triggered her , she started lashing out on everyone , cursing and insulting how useless we are without hearing or having a communication . I left to my room till they stop , because I can't handle this anger and drama where we can fix them if we think through things but she doesn't want to think or communicate . She confuses communication with complaining because for her communication is only a vehicle to use to release her hostile feelings and passive aggressiveness .

When I come back , she said why did I run to my room . I said I can't handle screams and this chaotic production of words . She said , you should and they started her and my sister : ISFJ , speaking at the same time , like literally at the same time . I asked them one by one , she said No why not listen to us both at the same time . Like what a hell is this . Here you notice and many patterns I have that they don't care about fixing the problem , they don't care about reasonably indulging members of the family to a conclusion , they want to release the tension . My mother specifically wants to release her hostile emotions , she wants us to feel belittled , useless , tell us how she is the only one who thinks about this issue and how useless we are and she thinks this is parenting , she thinks this is leadership.

Now I know since my father died who was an ISFJ , He was our only economical support and he was dutiful and doing his best to get me into a position where I can take the family but even he had issues with her , she swallowed him through her drama , passive aggressiveness , and her hostile attitude , belittling him too and comparing his lack of privilege to others who had far more advantage as if he had a choice in the cards he was given . Since this economical shortage only enraged her and made something to complain about and our household was not of kindness and mercy , I subtracted my needs since way back but my brother still takes from her money and she gives him and she comes back to complain and ruins the household .

The reason I brought my father is I feel bad for not doing anything for him and what a shame that he had no one to help him . He really deserved better and needed more care and love and I always felt unable to do anything when he had cancer . He apologized for me as if he felt bad for not doing enough for me . My friend . I really think and have evidence that my mother and family are unhealthy . I live in illiterate religious area , how do you think Fe and Si expression would be ? -- They don't care about reason , just any high status man who has money or is religious or looks religious matter and his opinion is far better and I , could speak for years and no one would care .

I think she is unsafe and unhappy and her hypergamic instinct produces this passive aggressive tests because she thinks by belittling us , we are going to somehow be motivated to provide and replace my father . She doesn't understand how the Ukraine|Russian war affected us , how our government changed policies to hire more females , she doesn't understand that I can't just get a job , it's all difficult in this competitive environment and I just have lost 3 years where tuberculosis , Corona virus lock-down , death of my father and the shock and depression this made me feel and let alone her training me to feel worthless isn't going to make me more optimistic individual because I can't even film myself speaking in a content creation out of fear and being self conscious of my voice nor dreaming of being able to be loved and desired by any female in romantic relationships to get out of this toxic voice in my head that hammers me and find some refuge in lovely partner .

I know I am unhealthy too - -- I read your study guides and my functions are all unhealthy and I could release the anger and hit someone or could not be able to contain myself and verbally defend myself if I get triggered . I am still studying to find a way to improve and optimally express all my functions but please with the contexts I have provided . How can you help me find answers to this following questions :

How can I remove this worthlessness and feeling I am useless from my mind and how I perceive myself ?

How can I trust that I would be able to get a job in this country and town ? I have limited skills like English and my native language because of time that was wasted ? [ I am planning to use the 4 Hour work week principle that prioritizes Te and Ni for effectiveness , working on skills to learn , 20/80 Analysis , low information diet , delegation and automation , and creating a product to sell to liberate myself from traditional 9 to 5 ] - I don't work in 9 to 5 Jobs . I Don't have any job now .

How can I deal with this toxic mother and her hostile attitude and her inability to be satisfied ? .

How I can heal the wounds that this mother infected me with since I speak to myself a lot and I get lost in my thoughts and she notices and doesn't try to understand , she tries to insult and belittles and laughs at me as if i am some crazy dude . It's the only place I feel safe and I have no friends and my mother doesn't talk to me except to release her tension , so I opt to my head and this had negative affects because my thoughts swallow me and I become self absorbed and any one notices I am speaking to myself and lost it . I do that because I am unhealthy , broke , unemployed , no job , and no healthy environment to drive me and give me help .

Do You think since I am unhealthy , I would waste time reading and consuming information about the study guide as some unhealthy coping mechanism and I should better opt to just exercise a few Ne Activities to drive myself out of my self and subjective narrative and my family and explore few experiments rather than read every detail and wait till I finish to exercise my functions ? Like see how Ne world is good and come back to reflect .

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1. "Feelings" of worthlessness or uselessness are simply judgments (about yourself). In order for judgments to be sound, one must arrive at the conclusions properly, through logic and reason. This is the basis of having good critical thinking skills.

For instance, you say you "fell behind" in career goals due to physical illness. Was the illness intentionally caused by you or was it under your control? If not, should you hold yourself responsible for the consequences of being ill? Are you going to call every physically ill person in the world worthless/useless because, through no fault of their own, they have diminished capacity to achieve their goals? If so, I see no difference between you and your mother when it comes to the way you harshly and unfairly judge people.

Are you exercising good critical thinking when you make a judgment or draw a conclusion? If not, you need to improve upon it, in order for Ti to regain control over your cognition. You must have a reliable process of scrutinizing and validating your belief system, otherwise, on what basis are you going to make good decisions for yourself? When Ti is absent, Fe grip will keep haunting you.

2. Trusting the world comes with Ne development. It means venturing out into the world. It means trying and experimenting and seeing what happens. It means going to wherever the opportunities are. It means thinking of ways to make the best use of what you have. It means turning the negative into a net positive.

In other words, Ne is an extraverted function that requires initiative, ingenuity, and action. Ne is not about your predictions of the future; it's about making things happen. You can always find something good to express gratitude for. You can always find a silver lining in a negative situation. You can always visualize potential for change and improvement. But the key is to have an attitude of openness that keeps your eyes and ears attuned to opportunity. Are you nurturing Ne openness in yourself, or are you quick to reject ideas because they are "imperfect"? Whether things are perfect or imperfect is missing the point. The point is that things can be changed as long as you're willing to put in the work to change them.

3. The answer is boundaries. I've already written about the difficulty of drawing healthy boundaries in family relationships, especially parent-child relationships, consult past posts. Because there is so much history and, in some cases, so much bad blood between family members, it's easy to get stuck in negative patterns of behavior, and very difficult to change them even when you want to. Old habits are hard to break.

I always say that an essential aspect of growing up is learning how to view your parents as human beings rather than treating them as mere symbols of your personal ego drama. Was your father a "saint"? Is your mother a "villain"? These are symbols that reveal the flaws and biases of your perception. In the end, your parents are simply people. Every person is multifaceted. If you only ever see one aspect of someone, your eyes need adjustment.

Put yourself in your mother's shoes. Your mother also lives in the bleak sociopolitical environment you live in, with few economic opportunities. She has also experienced disappointments and heartbreaks. She has also had her hopes and dreams dashed. You share a lot more in common with her than you believe. To be clear, this is not meant to be an excuse for her negative behavior but, rather, a call for you to exercise empathy.

When you get a deeper understanding of why people behave as they do, you will be less inclined to blame and more inclined to maintain healthy relationship boundaries. The key to dealing with toxic people is to maintain proper emotional distance from them, rather than getting entangled with them and constantly embroiled in their dramas. To have healthy relationships in general, you must i) know the difference between "my business" and "not my business", and ii) stop involving yourself in things that aren't your business.

Her issues and problems are hers, so don't take them on as yours. It's not your responsibility to satisfy her demands. It's not your responsibility to live up to her expectations of you. Your only responsibility, in moral terms, is simply to be a good person. This raises an important question of whether you understand what it means to be "good". Do you have your own ideas about it or do you default to what your family taught you, since your judgments about yourself closely echo your mother's judgments about you?

Do you know what intergenerational trauma is? It's when families transmit the negative effects of unresolved hurt, pain, suffering, abuse, and trauma from one generation to the next. You are now consumed by pain and anger, not unlike your mom, so are you going to unwittingly transmit it to everyone you come into contact with? Or are you going to be the one to stop the cycle of trauma by taking responsibility for your pain and suffering? By seeking help, you're proving that you care enough to change the situation. I understand that your options are limited for healing your pain and trauma, so I will focus mainly on what you can do on your own.

4. With regard to Anger: If you don't want to end up like your mother, hurting everyone around her, then you have to confront the pain, you have to soothe the anger properly, and you have to challenge yourself to do things differently. This is achieved through Ne. Envision your better self and be it. Envision a better life and live it. Envision more possibilities and bring good ideas to life. By training your mind to be focused on always building something better, there is little space remaining for things like anger and blame.

I completely agree that your family environment is incredibly toxic. However, I cannot agree with blame. Blame is a mental trap. It is an immature and illusory way to feel strong and powerful. It only leaves you worse off physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For all the sound and fury that blame entails, at the end of the day, you remain in pain because you've trapped yourself in perpetual victimhood. Without adequate health and well-being, will you have the mental energy you require for improving yourself and your life?

You can't have it both ways; you can't feed the negative aspects of your psyche and still hope to get back in touch with the positive aspects of yourself. Is the anger worth sacrificing your health and well-being for? Are you attached to the anger because you like the self-righteousness or because you want revenge? If so, you are choosing the negative over the positive, and you must take full responsibility for that choice. If you don't like it, choose differently.

With regard to Despair: When you feel angry, it means that something is broken and requires fixing. In this case, the relationship is broken and your boundaries have been violated. Like any reasonable person, you hope it can be fixed and the love salvaged. However, when confronted with the impossibility of fixing the relationship, despair follows.

Many people get held back and held down by despair because it can feel like a safer emotion than hope. Why? Despair is predictable in that you can maintain the status quo of known pain, whereas hope opens you up to new and accumulative hurt and disappointment through trying and failing again and again. As soon as sinking into despair seems like the better option to you, you are stuck deep in Si loop.

A person with good emotional intelligence doesn't succumb to emotions, rather, they take time to understand them and use them wisely. By putting despair in the right perspective, it can become an incredibly powerful emotion. Despair indicates you've suffered great loss and feel hopeless. However, in order to feel the loss, you must've placed great value on something to begin with. From this perspective, despair can open your eyes to what is most precious and valuable in your life. For example, despair over family conflict reveals how much you value your family, and despair about your career reveals how much you value your future self. When you know what you value most, it's easier to make good decisions for your well-being.

Despair is meant to teach you how to let go of the things you've lost. Oftentimes, people suffer because they are too attached to the things that bring them pain. Being unable to give up the attachment, they must bear the pain as a consequence. Logically, if you don't want the pain of despair, you must let go of the attachments that bring you despair.

Some people might misinterpret "letting go" as license to "detach" from the world and live on a metaphorical island, abandoning all the things they don't like. Quite the contrary. These people have failed the first test of emotional intelligence because they believe that their emotions are caused by external factors, so they try to cut out those factors.

The fact is that your feelings and emotions belong to you. They are generated by you, therefore, it is up to you to either answer them or change them. Your feelings are closely tied to your beliefs about the world, the way you think about things, and the way you judge things. When I say that you need to "let go", it means you have to change the way you think, give up old ideas, so that your beliefs better line up with your new reality. When you let go of mental attachments that distort your view of reality, you become much more capable of participating in reality. You will no longer feel bound and trapped by your own imagined expectations of how the world "should" be.

Career Example: Have you heard the saying "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry"? No matter how well you plan things, unexpected accidents or misfortunes still happen. While it's good to have plans and look forward to achieving goals, it's not good to be so single-minded that you are incapable of adapting to change. When plans go awry, you are encountering a crossroads and have to make a decision about which way to go. Do you try to keep going with the same plan? Do you tweak and adjust the plan to better suit the change of circumstances? Do you abandon the old plan and come up with a new one? These are all possible strategies.

Family example: Do you understand that a toxic relationship dynamic requires two people to keep it going? Both you and your mother are attached to ideal images of how the other "should" be. By imposing these images upon each other, you are both failing to respect each other, you are both violating the boundary that should exist between you as separate and independent individuals, and you are both hurting each other with harsh judgments and criticisms. While you might keep your judgments and criticisms to yourself more than she does, their very existence represents something negative within you that wants to lash out and be violent. She most likely inherited that violence from her family growing up and she has now transmitted it to you, which means it is now yours to deal with. All of us have inherited some negative things from family. It's part of your personal journey of growth to become aware of them and change them.

To a certain extent, you "allow" your mother to hurt you because you love her. If she were anyone else, you probably would've abandoned them long ago for such nasty behavior, or you wouldn't even be bothered by their criticism. Your mother's behavior brings you pain because you want her approval and love. However, if you were to drop your attachment to what you believe she "should" be (e.g. a loving, nurturing, motherly saint), you may suddenly find yourself capable of seeing the reality of what she is. When you take time to see and understand people more objectively (i.e. practice empathy), you won't take their behavior so personally. The reality is that her behavior isn't directed at you. Her behavior is an expression of her own pain and suffering, directed at her own failures and dashed hopes. But you take it personally because she's failing to meet your expectations of her, and then you fashion her into a villain. Think more reasonably: If you believe you ought to have the freedom to be you, you also have to grant others the freedom to be who they are.

The takeaway point is that the way through despair is to let go of the attachments that bring you pain. It could be attachment to an idealized image of how people/you "should" be, an ideal concept of "meaning", or an ideal path that you have set for your life. Ideals are mere mental constructs, so they can be changed at will. You defined them, so you can "undefine" them and redefine them. Attachments that lead you to deny reality are like a black hole in your mind, sucking up all your mental energy. By letting them go, your mind becomes truly free for something new. But you have to be brave enough to leave the known behind and venture into the unknown with fresh eyes, open mind, and different choices -> Ne.

5. I don't consider it my place to tell people how to live their life. You need to learn how to exercise your best judgment, which means ensuring that your process of making decisions is fair, impartial, objective and well-informed. In terms of your mental health, it's a good idea for you to get out of the home as much as possible, away from your mother's abuse. Try to find safer spaces to explore your ideas and possibilities. Try to engage in activities, interests, or hobbies that bring you some relief, even joy. Try to make friends with people who can bring you comfort or help you out of your situation.

#intp #auxiliary ne #si loop #fe grip #parent child relationship #family #boundaries #blame #anger #despair #adaptability #hope #emotional intelligence #ask

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the-stove-is-divorced · 1 month

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Hello, Sailing Ships!! <33

Do you think you'll write a fic about Invincible some day? And if yes, what are some things you could already imagine writing about? I LOVE your rambles btw!!! I don't know why but it's incredibly interesting to me every time somebody writes about their opinions. Oh, and when they go off on tangents. Tangents, my beloved!!

HI!!! Teehee I'm loving this nickname ♡♡♡ And YEAH! I already have actually, I just have never mentioned them on here I think,,, or updated them in a hot min actually (ノ_<、). AND I WILL PROMISE. (」＞＜)」

The first one is my body's in backwards !! I didn't see any time travel fics in the fandom yet so I had to write one! The fic follows the bruised and bloody Mark, nearly beaten him to death in s1, somehow traveling back to the very first episode! He is constantly stressed, incredibly traumatized, and trying his very best. I love this fic a lot, the descriptions in the first chapter are stuff I'm still proud of. Literally everyone around him is so incredibly concerned, heh, I love writing it. If chapter 5 could give me a break and be easy to write that'd be great.

Then, there's repine and retrain !! It follows that evil! Mark we saw, who got trapped by that universe's GDA! With the world still wrecked by monsters and villains, Cecilia basically drags Mark kicking and screaming into obeying her, so he go fight stuff without risking him trying alien colonization part 2. Heavy angst, and definitely hurt no comfort. This should actually update soon! :DD kudos to whoever commented recently, I forgot this existed.

If I were to write another, though, I'd write a symbiote!Mark fic, because I saw fanart for the absolutely epic idea, and actually wrote a draft I never managed to finish. With some delightful s2 part B scenes to consider, I'd have to overhaul a decent chunk to make it work, if I ever finish it one day. Who knows? ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌

That, or a time travel fic with a focus on way more comedic element than the unyielding heavy, heavy angst of my current one. Like, the image of like four year old Mark Grayson staring daggers at his father and shoveling "Empathy for Dummies" at him makes me cackle.

Or, a time loop fic with a similar comedy-ish angle, but still a bit angsty. So there's Mark in s1 conveniently appearing whenever Nolan tries to kill off the Guardians of the Globe. And also shoving "Empathy for Dummies" at him. Subtly dragging your alien father into processing the weight of his actions and fighting against the colonizing regime. Mark's stronger, faster, and laser focused on dragging his Dad into be better, but he keeps mentioning stuff that hasn't happened yet, which confuses people around him, and drives Cecil up the fucking wall. He's a contradiction of incredible efficiency, yet stuck in his head a lot, fucks up the date constantly, skips school, legit has troubling remembering what happened when and what hasn't happened yet. He'll mention something to you and looked surprised when you remember it (since he's been through so many loops.) Basically Outsider POV of a time loop, when the person's been through it like 28392th times already.

Gosh, now I wanna write this so bad. (///￣￣///) I'm so glad you like tangents,, as you can see I am quite the yapper if given the chance. (//▽//)

#asks #i think i WILL finish repine and retrain AND THEN comedy-ish time loop where mark confuses everyone constantly #nolan: why do i feel like someone's watching me?#time loop!mark breathing down his neck: ...#BUT YEAH #i realize i never rlly talk about my invincible stuff?? like at all? which is a shame !!! i need to start posting chapter updates istg #TYSM FOR THE ASK I LOVE YAPPIN'#invincible #my fics

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mattypattypinky · 2 months

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Gonna respond to this in a screenshot

BC I don't want this post to go in the FANDOM tags

(mainly bc i don't want to have to interact and argue w ppl bc of a hc😭)

Okay, first of all, everyone is entitled to their opinion / interpretation of him and his character. I mean, I'm a firm believer that he is an adult, but I know other people disagree. And that is okay.

That being said, one of the reasons I head canon him as an adult is simply because the ambiguous age, and the fact that I am one, and ship with him and I'm not going to ship with a 12 year old. (I know, shocking.)

But it goes further than that.

THE ART BOOK

we know from the art-book, that 🐐🌈 is canonically an adult.

I see the 🐐💚 form as nothing but a memory of what he once was.

Fifth anniv. ⏰ dialogues

I've seen a lot of people on Twitter saying that using this dialogue doesn't count, and that people 'erase the context of it' so I'm going to show the full context here.

Here, he sort of claims that he is grown up.

A lot of people argue that right under this line of dialogue he is being childish, and that kids refer to themselves as grown ups all the time, which that is true. But we have to take into consideration that adults are allowed to enjoy things, as well.

He goes against his own statement by hinting at exactly what type of gift he wants, and a lot of people argue that this is proof that he's just a child playing pretend, but I disagree with that mindset. Adults are allowed to want things, when you become an adult you do not just magically stop wanting fun things like coloring supplies and colorful things.

My best example/argument... would be 🍝🦴 himself.

A majority of the fandom interprets 🍝🦴 as an adult (from what I am aware of?) - despite him acting much more childish and innocent than 🌻 is.

He collects action figures, he wants to have a shiny red car, he gets read a bedtime story about fluffy bunnies, he plays dress up with a "battle body" constantly, there's more examples but need I say more??? Point being, despite his childish demeanor and innocent portrayal (despite him being one of the toughest monsters imo) - he is often portrayed or interpreted as an adult.

There is a point, where I feel like it might become a double standard??? imo??

How come 🍝🦴 can act just as, if not more childish than 🌻 does, and yet still be considered an adult?

Now the argument could be something like, oh 🌻 is more childish emotionally.

Well, yeah. He's traumatized???

He got murdered, and is stuck in a time loop and a flower essentially, and has grown too cold to feel for others. Of course he is going to be explosive, irrational at times, and immature. It's because he's been hurt, his mind works different than 🍝🦴's because he has gone through more pain than he has and remembers it.

I feel like the argument that "Oh he acts immature so he's a child" is harmful not only bc it stimulates this belief that adults just magically lose their immature / happy fun sides, but also I think it's a little bad for neurodivergient people out there who are a lot like him.

There are adults out there who can still want childish things, and that is okay. There are adults out there who still react immaturely to their emotions, and that is okay.

Hell, I'm gonna be turning 19 in like... 2 months, and I still would KILL to have like, toys and colorful things decking out my room and whatnot. It would be really, really nice. Does that make ME a child?

And I still spiral out of control sometimes with my emotional outbursts.

There are bipolar people, there are narcissists, and there are plenty of other things, and I know an adult who is about to be in their 40's who get excited over batman toys at five below.

Point being, I interpret him as a neurodivergient adult who is traumatized and deserved time to heal.

I probably will have more to say about this at some point later. Again this is just my interpretation/thoughts on it ur allowed to see him different

#mattypattypinkyposts #🌻💔#ruins romance #ruins ranting

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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Hi! I am an unhealthy version of an ISFJ. I'm constantly judging people by their looks or capabilities. I really don't like it when people don't think like I do either. When I try to change the way they are thinking and it's not working at all then i give up on them and I dont really give a **** anymore even if they crash and burn. When people are also smarter than me and understand so many different perspectives on different subjects, it also bothers me. Someone being smarter than me annoys me and i don't actually know why? Why am I so unhealthy and judging people constantly? Is there a way to be better? In the past i used to be more understanding and i never used to judge someone. I was really a helper, people looked for me when they needed someone to talk to and feel understood but as of late, i have changed drastically in a bad way. I was eager to help people but now they drain me a lot. I also like to compare myself to the past version of me. The one who was better and more understanding and more calm. I'm kind of stuck. What is going on?

Sounds like a Ti loop (bypassing Fe and bearing down too hard on an immature / critical / "tear them apart" lower thinking function). Something in your environment / lifestyle has caused you to stop using Fe accurately (to care about and connect to people, and focus on what you have in common rather than the differences, by pointing out to yourself and others that "we are all human") and to bear down too hard on Ti, so that it has become your default. Weak Ti can be unfairly critical and unconcerned with other people, it can nitpick and pull them apart. It can also become insecure at other people being intelligent because it's measuring itself against other people and feeling insecure about whether it's smart or not.

To recover... what's causing this? Is it school? A person in your life? How is it affecting your relationships? Have you screwed one up yet enough to feel the burn of it? You need to identify what's forcing you out of Fe into Ti and do something about it. Returning to healthy Fe means learning to accept that not everyone is going to agree with you, but that you can listen to them and respect their views, while being sure of your own opinions and live in harmony by focusing on the things you agree on, rather than the differences. It means tuning in to other people and asking what they need from you (what do I need to say to them, what do they need to hear, what can I bring to this conversation that enriches them?), rather than sitting in judgment about them.

The fact that you hate it and don't want to be this way is an indication that you are willing to change and want to go back to your earlier self. You've already taken the first step. The way to recovery is to think about the people you love, and about how your behavior is hurtful to them. How to use Ti properly means analyzing your own reactions and judgments and deciding what it says about you. Then choosing a course of action. You are not at the mercy of your thoughts; you can take them captive, halt them in their tracks, and change them. The next time you find yourself being unfairly critical, stop and force yourself to think something nice about that person, or reflect on a good thing about them. Shift your thinking on purpose, and it will become easier and easier, as you remember what you LIKE more than what you hate.

It would also be helpful to know your Enneagram type -- if you are in fact a 2 that has disintegrated into 8, for example, and wants to 'watch the world burn' because you feel taken advantage of, or disrespected, or unloved, or like no one listens to you. If that is the case, it's time to do some soul searching on your motivations and the Pride that drives your attempts to influence others toward your way of thinking (because "I know better than they do what their life SHOULD look like!"). 2s can become very resentful when others do not appreciate them, take their advice, or do what they say, because they pride themselves on being necessary and essential to other people's lives. As a result, they can offer unsolicited advice, or want their friends to think the same way as they do (Fe + 2 in particular wants a consensus of views / to be in harmony with others), and react badly when this does not happen. But in real life, people are not always going to like you, agree with you, listen to you, or do what you say -- so it's better to learn to reach people through kindness and a genuine interest in what they think rather than a need for control.

(This also could be a Ti grip, which would make you an ESFJ. Some of it sounds a lot like what my EFJ friend has described in her "worst moments.")

#question #mbti #esfj #isfj

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shivunin · 1 year

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For the edgy meme - #1 and #10 for your whole crew? Please? 🥰

Brave to ask about all of them haha!! Thank you for the questions, Lilou c: These questions are thought-provoking for sure. That first one was a doozy.

(Edgy OC Ask meme)

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget?

Arianwen: Ooh this is a tough one. I think Wen would often like to wipe the slate clean and start fresh, so to speak. It would be easier and less painful in some ways. If she were to pick just one, I think it would be going back to Ostagar and having to watch Alistair find his brother's body. I think it was the first time she could admit to herself she really cares about him and there was nothing she could do to help. That's a hard place to be if you're used to not caring about people and acting before thinking.

Maria: The sound Bethany's back made when the ogre snapped it. Not her whole death---she wouldn't want to forget her sister's last moments---but the sound haunts her.

Adahlena: The moment she realized her father had been made Tranquil. She could handle losing him and she could handle helping him settle in to his new life, but the moment she realized he was never really coming back is the singular most painful moment of her life.

Elowen: None. The idea of forgetting anything terrifies her. She keeps meticulous notes just in case.

Emmaera: Halamshiral. She despised the experience and now that it's done with and she knows she'll likely never have to interact with the Orlesian crown again she'd rather wipe the whole experience from her mind (except the balcony. She'd hang on to that dance on the balcony)

Salshira: Watching her best friend die as a child. She has always felt responsible, and for a long time would never have given up the memory (it's her fault; she owes it to Saeris to remember), but I think once she comes to terms with it as an adult she would rather put the memory to rest and stop having nightmares about it every night.

10. What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

This is a really funny question because all of my Lavellans were originally written in AUs. Emma, who is my actual canon Inquisitor, has an extremely flimsy timeline because the first fic I wrote for her was an AU haha.

Arianwen: I am working on a sort of spy vs. spy one with her and Zevran right now that's been really fun, but I am playing with the idea of Wen being stuck in a time loop and (entirely separate) a soulmate au inspired by that *strangles you with the red string that ties us together* post

Maria: I just finished the only AU I had planned for her so far (the magician au) but I also was playing with a circus au before that...but I'd have to find a way to make it distinct from the magician au so I need to think on it more.

Adahlena: Her entire existence is an AU, so none.

Elowen: I have an avvar au and a love triangle au for her more than half written, I just haven't felt like coming back to them lol

Emmaera: The mermaid au I'm currently working on! She is an archaeologist at heart and would be out there exploring Elvhen ruins if it hadn't been for the Inquisition. I'm enjoying writing this one because she gets to be in full archaeologist mode (and finds a mysterious man on the beach etc etc). (I want to finish this but I keep getting distracted by Maria). I've also toyed with some kind of vigilante au with her (but let's be real, she spends the greatest swathe of her time in Kirkwall clearing out Darktown and it's not that much of an AU)

Salshira: I also just finished an AU for her! I do think a princess/bodyguard AU would be fun with her (because she would be climbing out the window constantly) but I don't currently have plans to write one. Oh, also the various Josiemancing fics I have for her I guess? They're not really AU but they are alternate to her main timeline.

#oc ask meme response #ask response #i have a big long list of AUs i sometimes use as warmups but i haven't come across a ton of standard ones that interest me #though i have 3 or 4 lavellan modern AUs i never intend to post haha #i really like twisting canon events into AUs as opposed to like the standard cafe/modern/etc AUs (though I enjoy reading the latter)#i just have trouble fitting characters' personalities into that kind of AU if that makes sense #thanks again for asking! <3 i think i asked you one when i stuck this in drafts but if i missed you lmk!

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breezypsyche · 5 months

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Do you remember how last week I discussed how homophily encourages us as humans to branch out to those who think, act, and feel similarly to us? Do you also remember how I mentioned that this tendency can be seen in a positive light through the use of the algorithm? How about how the algorithm can help populate content geared toward our areas of interest, such as that one series of movies you watch in guilty pleasure even though they are not seen as "cool" or "entertaining"?

We will flip that script and see how homophily and algorithms can be used for not-so-good things. Are you as intrigued and excited as I am? (If you would like to play catch-up from last week, or if you would like a quick refresher, click here to read about the birds!)

But what is a bias bubble, anyway?

I know you have heard people refer to "living in a bubble" before, but it may not be so far off from reality with how social media can be. Kaiser and Rauchfleisch (2020) mentioned that a "bubble" can be formed around individuals by how the algorithm is designed to work (Kaiser & Rauchfleisch, 2020). What does that mean, exactly?

Look at how algorithms are designed - they keep spoon-feeding content similar to what the user has previously viewed, sometimes in a continuous loop. That continuous content loop can keep a user "trapped within a bubble," so to speak. While within a bubble, nothing comes in, and nothing goes out - this is also similar to content that can be viewed on social media.

Content bubbles ensure we view the same content repeatedly, forever in a loop. For some, this could mean something as insignificant as makeup tutorial videos, gaming strategy videos, or even how-to videos. However, that continuous content stream can create the perfect storm for "us versus them" thinking for many others through the means of cognitive bias.

A perfect example of allowing cognitive bias to flood the mind negatively through social media is conspiracy theory content. We all have encountered that person who continually posts about various conspiracies. Let us say you were bored one day and decided to click a video about cryptids. Once that link is clicked, you have encouraged the algorithm to feed you more information about cryptids, which can bleed into other conspiracy theories. After so many hundreds of hours of viewing cryptid-related content, it would be difficult to not believe.

Oh.... now I get it. I don't want it anymore.

As an American, I see this played out in real-time through the political environment on social media. Family members and friends of mine lean in opposite directions concerning political views and constantly post such aligned content to their walls, making my feed a weird amalgamation of "red" versus "blue" (not the old YouTube show about Halo, sadly).

When you're stuck in the bias bubble, it is incredibly easy to continually find the same type of content being regurgitated, which can morph into something more hateful and sinister the longer you allow yourself to be stuck inside that bubble. Lee, Karimi, Wagner, Jo, Strohmaier, and Galesic (2019) found how one thinks or views their personal social media groups influences their own behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs, thereby creating a bias based on the very influence of their social media groups. (Lee et al., 2019).

How can I break free of the bubble of bias?

It is physically accessible, but may not be mentally easy to break free from the bias bubble. To put it simply: use that beautiful brain of yours! Critical thinking is a delightful tool any human on the planet can use to be open-minded about any topic. Meegan (n.d.) shared the depth of critical thinking to be artful, analytical, and evaluative (Meegan, n.d.).

Critical thinking is artful because it takes consistent practice over one's lifetime - in fact, most do not ever truly "master" the art! Critical thinking is analytical because it takes breaking down each thought, feeling, or opinion bit by bit until you get to the core of the rationality behind it. Critical thinking is evaluative because it is up to each of us to find the standard behind each thought, feeling, or opinion we come across.

Great - what does Critical Thinking have to do with breaking the bias bubble?

It is really so simple: find someone who does not think like you! In social media, this can easily be done by utilizing the search bar to type in a topic you know nothing about and read away! If you do not know what certain words or phrases mean within that community, ask away or consult a dictionary - which is at our fingertips thanks to our mobile devices!

Try flexing that beautiful brain of yours today!

References Kaiser, J., & Rauchfleisch, A. (2020). Birds of a feather get recommended together: Algorithmic homophily in YouTube’s channel recommendations in the United States and Germany. Social Media + Society, 6(4). Lee, E., Karimi, F., Wagner, C., Jo, H., Strohmaier, M., & Galesic, M. (2019). Homophily and minority-group size explain perception biases in social networks. Nature Human Behaviour, 3(10), 1078-1087. Meegan, G. (n.d.). What is critical thinking? [Blog post]. Links to an external site. https://theelementsofthought.org/what-is-critical-thinking/

#go re-watch red vs blue #break the bias bubble #i want to break free #critical thinking is awesome #psychology of social media class

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amazythelsblogs · 1 year

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Hey Olara, how many fish in the sea?

There is an infinite amount of fish in the sea, because the number is subject to perception! You can count how many fish there are in a pond, but because of nature of the sea, the fact that you would have to catch every fish once you have counted it, you can't dertermine a concrete amount of fish that are in the sea, they are constantly evolvng, constantly multiplying, and constantly moving. As so do possibilities in life. Your realities are infinite, becaus ethere are infinite amount of outcomes, triggers and present moments, that you cannot fully, consciously perceive ervy possible outcome, unless you were a being existing on a higher dimensional plane, where it is able to comprehend while remaining grounded in the centre, many, if not many infinites, at once. So you may ask how many fish there are, in a precise, to-the-milisecond space/time vaccum, but you cannot possibly ask the open ended question, of how many fish there are in the sea. Which sea? Which fish? What does 'many' mean to you? These are the type of tedious but crucial questions you must ask yourself, before all else. This is what shapes your perception on reality. This is what shapes who you are. This is what shapes how to choose, what you choose, and when you come into alignment to make that choice. Once you have chosen, you are. In the devine flow.

And so. That is One of my many answers. Which each comes from one source. Each steming, looping back to the same one concept. Which is this concept? Why is it there? Who put there? Why are you learning this? Why are you reading this, still? There is something that you are sensing, aware of, know of, but don't yet quite remember, or perhpas know but shy away from, what is that thing? Reality Bender. What is that thing? It is you. Only You. Always has been You.

Don't try to pin yourself. Or place your thoughts into a box. To get stuck in a certain way of thinking for the rest of your existence. Open your mind up. See beyond the lines. The net. the colour, light and shadow. See into your own truth.

The Basis of reality, is that everything is. Swirling yet stillness in possibility. Until you reach out and touch it, until you make the conscious choice to bring it, welcome it, align it into your present reality, presnt way of being.

There are infinite ways I could have answered your question. And yet, I answered it as I did. Why is that? Why is this message so specific, so perfect, before I have even completed my sentence? Why do the words flow so perfectly, the ideas, the concepts. Why?

Why am I here?

#tolearn #to remember #to blossom #to experience the nature of existence #to be baller

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anodetodaphne · 2 years

Text

I am comprised of all of the things that have touched my soul; & life showed me thru human behavior what I don't respect, what I'll never need, and what I'm okay with allowing to die.

Weak flesh cloaked in the radiance of love taught me to observe keenly; cowards showed me that there was nothing brave about them, not even the shit my imagination made up to protect me from rightfully rejecting them.

My time with sweet talking liars & thieves taught me not to waste it.

My experience with rape showed me that every sickly entitled person is one "no" away from stripping you of your power.

My love is a well of spring water that holds memories for lifetimes. I don't believe it's OCD, but that's what they call it. I believe it's something in my water that keeps me reliving betrayals forged against my ability to deeply connect; the grief is real.

"The water is poisoned," I say.

It's not that I'm damaged, bitter or complex. I don't believe it is unnatural to be where I am today; it's sensible. Human behavior is a sequence of predictable patterns when observed over time; we can credit "trauma" for my unmatched ability to anticipate someone's next move and force their deepest held intentions into the light. I bet on myself every time. I've been abused (abnormally used) enough times to know what to look for.

"The water is poisoned," I say.

I have been romanced down chaotic roads promising love along the journey, only to find myself sewing up the same deep wound I just keep re-opening up with trust. I'm the only one writhing in pain in the end. I'm the only one throwing up. I'm the only one losing weight. I'm the only one losing sleep, crying rivers of tears, and picking my life up from the fallout. I'm the only one confused and stuck in a loop of "what did I do wrong", picking myself apart, tearing myself down. I'm the only one reaching for ghosts. I'm the only one laughed at by their friends, I'm the only one crazy and exposed. I'm the only one completely unhinged when my love is coerced by a snake to awaken. I'm fucking tired of grieving, and dying the same death in the same way from betting the same bet. I'm tired of the insanity that only unrequited love breeds. Self soothing is an infantile endeavor, I'd much rather avoid the inevitable demise that the human desire for love brings me to. I'm sick of grieving people who are still alive. Ambiguous grief according to Google. I'm sick of the memories, and trying to calm my tortured, ruminating soul when it remembers. A soul can only be touched by grief but so many times before it completely shuts down and becomes numb to it. I know grief well, I am moving on from everything that invites the suffering. I wish to know joy, and the freedom only true love brings. Enough of my time has been wasted on death. I want to live freely in love with everything & everyone that understands where tf I'm coming from.

"The water is poisoned," I say.

But dammit. Then you just had to invite me into your love, which translates to me as you invited me to grieve and that's a party that's well played out.

This was only your second go around with love and you had the kind of innocent faith in it that sings a distant familiar lullaby to the pureness of my spirit.

So I'm here, dancing widly, honestly in this love you invited me into; in a room that is highly flammable...that has caught fire and burned to the ground many times over...

& I am constantly gauging for said fire.

I am terrified every time you tell me you need more intimacy from me, every time you get closer and want to hold me. I'm worried that you'll find out I'm the plug & run off on me. It's like a pretending pauper trying not to be caught as the richest man in the room. It's already happened more than twice, & honesty hour: I'm prepared for another & I hate existing like that.

You woefully ask me why I am the way I am, and with my head hung low, all I can fix my mouth to say to is:

The water was poisoned.

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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Bah, it's 5 AM again. I got back on a nocturnal schedule real quick. All it took was not going into nature for a few days, and having very little social contact for a while. You wanna know something fucking nuts, and why I love and hate weed? It makes this voice pop out in the constant noise that is my thoughts. This voice is super insightful, super blunt and just tells me exactly what's up whether I like it or not. I saw some guy on a podcast talk about this, a cannabis growing expert plantologist kinda dude. He was talking about the plant being used as a psychological medicine here, like the cannabis spirit or something. He said, and it obviously stuck with me, "cannabis can show you what's getting between you and happiness." Fucking dead on what this voice is, this voice that is likely a part of me that just gets constantly drowned out by other more loud and needy parts of me. Like my fear.

Before I dive too far off into a tangent on how goddamn crazy that shit is, how huge and dynamically changing the human psyche is... this was what the voice decided to drop on my lap right at the beginning of this. "If you got back on Facebook, you wouldn't have any of these problems." Holy. Fuck. Right?! It's 100% true, for someone in my "Late Millennial" bracket. But it's also so powerfully devastating. Like "you could've prevented all this", "you're doing this to yourself, just go back, everyone else is doing it." And then there's the sinister layer, "we designed Facebook to do this, to deliberately keep all interactions HERE where we can pump ads down your throat and you can farm money for us, and if you LEAVE... you will lose all your connections. No publicity for your art, music, writing. No one knows or cares what's going on in your life. You're not invited to anything. You are perpetually out of the loop and it's YOUR fault. You will lose all of your connections outside of those that are like... best friends. And maybe family, if you're on good terms. So... choose wisely, you're free to leave at any time."

I left in 2017. It was 5 years ago when I was declared legally dead on Facebook. Since then, it just went downhill. I'm getting lost in memories right now, being this close to sleep just makes it really easy to slip into those visual, experiential dream-like imaginative states. It's cool shit. I was just remembering trying to reconnect with Facebook a few years ago and it being pretty embarrassing in hindsight. So that's clearly getting in between me and happiness/connection. Cool.

So... do I go back to social media?

I guess that counts Twitter too, I left because having gifs of people being shot and all the political peer pressure and shit just literally sucked the soul out of me. It was just devastating to be around it. I wanted to socialize and just chill and plug my art and streams and shit but people had just been like chompin at the bit to fight over LITERALLY ANYTHING so I just had to dip. I can't live like that. It literally sucks the life out of me, I don't need to give my life for that, I'd much sooner put that time and energy into working on my next project. Fuuuuck that shit.

So... again... Do I go back? Do I brave this shit and swallow my pride and go back to Facebook, so I can get access to housing rentals (desperate need), plug my shit to people who haven't talked to me in 10 years. Put my thoughts and shit on there again? Reboot the public story of my life and see if people actually want to be part of it this time? Will they even interact with me outside of Facebook? It's a tough call. It's a really tough one.

The blue-green light of Dawn is poking her head through the cracks of my curtains so I think it's time to wrap this up. I'm glad I wrote tonight, this has been very insightful and I have a lot to think about here.

Fucked that this is the state of the world though, just putting that out there.

#diary #stream of thoughts #journal #spilled thoughts #facebook #social media

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marauders-venting · 3 years

Text

Worth The Wait (Part 2)

pairing: wolfstar (remus x sirius)

genre: fluff & angst

warnings: implied panic attack

words: 3116

a/n: i decided to write a second part because people asked and i was feeling nice. Also i didn’t want sirius to be sad cause that makes me sad :(

Remus’ head was spinning. He didn’t understand what had just happened. Sirius had tried to kiss him. Sirius had tried to kiss him. But it was his own reaction that concerned and confused Remus even more. Because when Sirius had tried to kiss him he had felt something. There had been a part of him that wanted to kiss Sirius back. Wanted it desperately. A part of him that wanted to let his lips meet Sirius’ and put his hands in Sirius’ hair, brush his jaw, touch his waist. That was the part of himself that frightened Remus. Alarms had gone off in his head telling him to turn away, not to listen to that part of him because god knows what road that would lead him down.

Fuck. How long had that part of him been there? Was it new? Was it something that had appeared just now? No, it can’t be, Remus thought. It felt like this part of him has been there for a while, in constant battle with the other part of him. A battle over Sirius. Over what he wants with Sirius, over what Sirius means to him. But if these thoughts had been there for a while, how was Remus only now becoming aware of them? And if they had been there for a while, what the fuck does this mean?

All these questions come flowing into Remus’ brain within a matter of seconds and they all feel unanswerable and Remus doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know what to do or what to think because his brain is being so so loud and there’s screaming and he can’t tell if it’s in his head and everything’s going to implode and—

BREATHE, screams something in his head. BREATHE. Remus lies down in the grass and a stab of pain in his chest from a lack of oxygen. He gasps for breath and opens his eyes although he doesn’t remember closing them. He feels disoriented. Everything feels fake.

Remus sits back up and he buries his head in his arms. If Sirius were here, he’d be sitting next to Remus, comforting him. He could practically hear Sirius asking, “what’s going on in that big brain of yours?” There are lots of things going through his brain right now. But mostly it’s just the word ‘FUCK’ exactly like that, in all-caps flashing in his mind a million times over.

That’s wrong actually, says a voice in his head. Not about the word ‘FUCK’ being repeated in his head over and over again but about what Sirius would be doing if he was here. If Sirius were here he’d probably be sitting or maybe standing awkwardly away from Remus, that look of hurt and heartbreak on his face. The look that broke Remus’ insides. It broke him more to know that he was the reason Sirius was hurt. He never wanted to hurt Sirius. He was supposed to help Sirius when was hurt. He wasn’t supposed to be the one hurting him. He’d do anything for Sirius. But this was something else. This was different. But I want this too, said that part of him. I want Sirius. Remus tries to push the thought out of his mind but he can’t. So now instead of a constant loop of ‘fuck’ he’s stuck in a constant loop of ‘I want Sirius’. Great. Fucking fantastic.

Remus tries to organise his thoughts. Okay, so let’s say for a moment, just for argument’s sake, that he does want Sirius. That he likes Sirius in the same way Sirius apparently likes him. What does that mean? Does that make him gay? Am I gay? he thinks. Maybe. It’s possible. Remus had never considered it before. He doesn’t think he’s gay. Not that he’s ever had a particularly memorable romantic or sexual experience with a girl. But he’s never had one with a boy either. He’s never wanted to. Until now. Or until whenever he started imagining the way that Sirius’ hands would feel on his hips because this couldn’t be the first time. Definitely not. Okay, so maybe I am a little gay, then, he thinks. Fuck, this is hard.

Remus doesn’t want to go back to the dorm now. He’s sure that Sirius doesn’t want to see him. But he can’t stay out here so he goes back anyway. When he gets back to the dorm James, Sirius and Peter are all asleep and Remus wonders how long he’s been outside. He checks the clock. It’s past midnight. He showers as quietly as possible and goes to bed but it’s hours before he finally falls asleep. Questions keep swirling through his head, keeping him awake. And in the middle of it all, his almost-kiss with Sirius. Every time Remus thinks about it he feels his pulse rise. He turns away from his wall and sees Sirius in the bed across from him. He’s fast asleep, one hand hanging out of his bed, his lips slightly parted. Remus takes in the curve of his lips, the edge of his jaw, the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed and his dark eyelashes visible against his pale cheek. Remus wonders why he can’t turn away and then he realises what he’s thinking about. He’s thinking about how much he’d like to kiss Sirius right now and he can’t believe he let the chance pass by. He can’t believe he rejected Sirius. He turned down the most attractive person in this whole goddamn castle. Why? Remus can’t think of any reason right now.

When Remus wakes up the next morning the dorm is empty. He almost forgets about everything that happened last night. Until he rolls over and sees Sirius’ empty bed. His first thought is that it was a dream. Maybe it was just a dream. But when he goes down to the Great Hall for breakfast and sees the way Sirius is pointedly avoiding his eye, he knows it was real. So instead of going to sit with Sirius, James and Peter, he goes to sit with Lily, Marlene and Dorcas.

“Hey,” he says, sitting down beside Lily. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better,” she says. “Madam Pomfrey gave me a potion and I was fine within an hour. How was doing the rounds alone? Boring right?”

“Yeah,” Remus nods. He feels his stomach twist. Remus has no reservations about lying but he hates lying to Lily. It’s pointless anyway; she can usually see right through him. “Really boring.”

Remus spends the rest of the day avoiding Sirius. James and Peter stuck with Sirius and Remus pretended it didn’t bother him. Classes the next day gave Remus more excuses not to talk to Sirius. He sat next to Lily in every class and she seemed pleasantly surprised. She asked Remus that night if anything had happened with his friends but Remus said he didn’t want to talk about it so she dropped it.

“If you change your mind, I’m here,” she had said.

“Thanks, Lily, really,” he replied. He appreciated her support but he didn’t want to talk about what had happened. Not yet anyway.

---------

“Remus.” It’s James. Remus turns to him.

“Yeah?” Remus says. Five days had passed since the incident with Sirius. Remus had barely exchanged a sentence with James, Sirius or Peter. He’s sure James and Peter must have noticed something was going on but he had been hoping that Sirius hadn’t mentioned it.

“Look, I know things might be weird with Sirius right now but that doesn’t mean you have to avoid me and Peter as well,” he says.

“Why would things be weird with Sirius?” Remus tries to say casually. He fails.

“Remus…” James starts but Remus realises before he says anything.

“He told you, didn’t he?” Remus says. “Of course, he did. Fucking tells you everything, doesn’t he? Well, what are you doing, talking to me then? Isn’t it considered betrayal to talk to the person who rejected your best friend? It’s like fraternising with the enemy.”

“Remus, what are you talking about? You’re not ‘the enemy’,” James says. “Not to me. Certainly not to Sirius.”

“Did you know?” Remus asks, ignoring what James said. Because how was he supposed to respond to that? “When he said he’d come with me that night, did you know he was going to do it?”

“I knew he was thinking about it,” James says. “He’d been thinking about it for ages.”

“And you didn’t tell him it was a bad idea?” Remus asked, arms crossed.

“Well, no,” James says. “I… I assumed you would…”

“Like him back?”

“Well… yeah,” James says, sounding rather sheepish and apologetic.

“Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why did you think I liked him back?”

“I don’t know,” James sighs. “You guys would spend all your time together. You had all these inside jokes. You’d stay up for hours talking to each other. Loads of reasons.”

“But you do that too!” Remus says. “You and Sirius do all those things you just said too and it’s not…”

“Yeah but that’s different,” James says. “Sirius has always been like my brother. Have you ever seen him as a brother?”

“I… I might have,” Remus says, arms crossed.

“Did you?”

“No,” Remus sighs. “I knew it was different, I just didn’t know that ‘different’ meant… this.”

“Does that… Remus, what do you mean?”

“Nothing,” Remus answers hurriedly, his face heating.

“Remus,” James starts, “I’m going to ask you this one time and whatever you say I’ll believe you, okay? Do you like Sirius?”

“Of course, I like Sirius, idiot, he’s my best friend,” Remus replies.

“Come on, you know what I mean,” James says. Remus remains silent. “You wanna know why I thought you liked him? Because of the way you look at him. Like you’re constantly in complete awe of him. It’s the same way he looks at you.”

“Fine,” Remus says. He’s not looking at James. “I… I think I do. I had never considered it before… before this but I started thinking about it and… and I think maybe I do actually like him.”

“Remus, that’s okay,” James says, hugging him. “It’s okay not to know or not to recognise an emotion when you’re feeling it in the moment.” Remus feels himself relax a little. Something about being told that it’s okay, that what he’s feeling is okay, something about it being put into words is comforting to him even if he can’t explain why.

“You should talk to him,” James says gently. “And you know that whatever happens, I’ll be here for you. For both of you.”

“More for Sirius than for me,” Remus says before he can stop himself. He means it as a joke, kind of, but James takes him by both shoulders and looks him dead in the eye.

“Hey,” he says. “Absolutely not. Our friendship is just as important to me as my friendship with Sirius. Remus, I promise you no matter what happens, I will always be your best friend. You assume that Peter and I would choose Sirius over you. We wouldn’t. We kept trying to talk to you these last few days but you avoided us and shut us out. Don’t do that, Rem. We miss you. We want you in our lives just as much as Sirius. I promise you that. You believe me, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do,” Remus says. And he does. Somehow. He’s not quite sure how but he does. He’s silent for a moment but gives in eventually and says it. Says the thing that’s been worrying him since the moment Sirius’ lips brushed his own for that split second. “I don’t want to lose him.”

“You can’t,” James says without hesitation. “You can’t because I know you, Remus, and I know you won’t let that happen. And Sirius won’t let it happen either.”

---------

Remus couldn’t sleep again. He couldn’t think about anything other than Sirius, lying two beds away from him. What the hell was happening to him? Sirius had been sleeping two beds away from him since they were eleven but now suddenly it was keeping him up at night? He didn’t understand himself. He rolled over.

“Sirius?” he whispered. Sirius turned around.

“Yeah?” he whispered back. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… woke up,” Remus lied. “I don't know if I’ll be able to fall asleep now though.” He glances over to where James and Peter are still fast asleep, both snoring like logs. Sirius isn’t saying anything. “You wanna go downstairs?” Remus asked hopefully. He needs to talk to Sirius. If he figured out anything from a week of avoiding Sirius it was that he hated life without him. Unfortunately, Sirius had continued to avoid Remus even after Remus had resolved to stop. Remus could hardly blame him but he really wished Sirius wouldn’t. It made things harder.

“Yeah, okay,” Sirius nodded, getting up. Remus stands up as well, pulls a sweater on and quietly slips out the door after Sirius. They walked down the stairs in silence and sat down on the couches in the empty common room. The fire had nearly died out but it provided enough light for the two of them. Remus had, evidently, not thought this through. What the fuck was he supposed to say now?

“I can’t believe you put on a sweater when it’s nearly summer,” Sirius said, saving Remus the trouble.

“Why is that so hard to believe?” Remus asked, trying to keep it casual. “I do it all the time.”

“I know,” Sirius said. “It’s weird.”

“Weirder than wearing a leather jacket every day of the year?”

“That’s called style.”

“Well, sweaters are my style.”

“Fine, if you say so.”

“What, would you rather I wore leather jackets?”

“You can wear whatever you like, Moony.” Silence. That was the most they’d spoken all week.

“What do you want to do?” Sirius asked. Remus shrugged. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to kiss Sirius. Like, now. It was all he had been able to think about all week. But getting to the point where he’d be able to do that was what Remus seemed to be struggling with. “Why did you suggest we come downstairs, then?”

“Better than listening to James and Peter snore, isn’t it?” Remus said.

“I guess,” Sirius said. Remus hesitated. This felt like an opening. He was determined to take it.

“Sirius,” he started.

“Yeah?”

“You know… uhm the other night, when you came with me to do the rounds—”

“Remus, I’m sorry, okay?” Sirius said, his face falling. He was back away from Remus. “I get it, you don’t… you don’t like me like that—”

“No but that’s just it,” Remus said. He didn’t want Sirius to leave. Instinctively, he reached out a hand and took Sirius’. “I do.”

“What?” Sirius looked from Remus to their joined hands and back again.

“I do like you… like that,” Remus said, blushing.

“But when I…” Sirius started. “You said we should just be friends.”

“I… I was scared,” Remus admitted. “I had never thought about it before. And when you tried to… it made me think about what that would mean. About me and about our friendship. And I got scared. I’m sorry, Sirius, I’m so sorry if I hurt you. But I’ve been thinking about it since then. And… I think I may have actually liked you for a long time.”

“Remus…” Sirius started, shaking his head. “You don’t have to do this. It’s okay that you don’t like me in that way. I love being your friend and if that’s what you want then I’m happy with that. You don’t have to do this.”

“Sirius, I’m not doing anything. I’m telling you the truth, I swear.”

“R–Really?”

“Yeah,” Remus said. Sirius’ lips were parted in surprise. Remus couldn’t stop staring at them. A sudden overwhelming feeling came over him and he had to refrain from brushing Sirius’ bottom lip with his thumb. But then he realised that he doesn’t have to refrain from it. Remus hesitated for a moment. He scooted closer to Sirius on the couch, one leg crossed in front of him and the other dangling off the edge of the couch. He reached out a hand and caressed Sirius’ cheek, his thumb brushing Sirius’ bottom lip. Sirius closed his eyes. “Can I kiss you?” he asked.

“Yes,” Sirius said. It came out like a whisper, his eyes still closed. Remus leaned in and slowly closed the gap between his mouth and Sirius’. His heart was thrumming so loud in his ears, he felt like the sound was echoing in his brain. His hand was still cupping Sirius’ face. He wrapped it around Sirius’ neck, kissing him harder. And as Sirius’ hands find Remus’ waist, pulling him closer, as Remus becomes acutely aware of the fact that his leg is pressed against Sirius’ thigh, Remus wonders how the fuck it took him so long to realise that this was what he’s been wanting the whole time.

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Remus said when they broke apart.

“What?” Sirius asked, looking at him incredulously.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t figure this out sooner,” he said.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sirius said. “You could’ve taken another year and I wouldn’t care. You’re worth the wait.”

“Still,” Remus said. “I would’ve liked more time to do this.” And he kisses Sirius again. Slowly first and then more passionately, pulling Sirius towards him like he wants every inch of him and more. And Sirius lets him have it. Yep, Remus thought, I’m definitely gay. To some degree, at least. He knew there was a whole spectrum of sexualities but he’d never really bothered to think about it much until now. But figuring out his sexuality was something that Remus wasn’t particularly fussed about at this moment in time. Right now, he just wanted to stay here in Sirius’ arms, curled up on a couch, watching the fire die out, pressing tiny kisses to Sirius’ lips, the tip of his nose, the curve of his jaw.

He thinks about what Sirius said and smiles. You’re worth the wait.

---------

Sirius meant what he had said. He would’ve waited for Remus forever if he’d had to. He’d have waited until the concept of time ceased to exist. But he didn’t have to. Because Remus was his now. And all it took was one look into Remus’ amber eyes, glowing in the dying embers of the fire, for Sirius to know that this was real: he was falling in love with Remus Lupin. And he couldn’t be happier about it.

#remus lupin #remus lupin fluff #remus lupin angst #sirius black #sirius black fluff #sirius black angst #wolfstar #WOLFSTAR FLUFF #wolfstar angst #wolfstar fanfic #Wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar oneshot #james potter #james potter fluff #Marauders #marauders era #marauders fanfiction #marauders oneshot

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peachsayshi · 3 years

Text

Chapter 4 - Domain

Gojo Satoru x Female Reader

Tags: Friends with Benefits, Smut, Teasing and a little bit of Fluff.

Summary: Gojo returns from his trip, and while the two of you are hanging out you ask him to show you some of his powers. Unable to resist himself, he breaks a rule along the way.

A/N: Thank you so much for the likes and reblogs! I pretty much only have this updated on AO3 but am slowly trying to add all the chapters onto my Tumblr.

- - -

When Gojo texted you to let you know that he was at his apartment, he did it with a devious prank in his mind. He informed you that you could let yourself in as the door was unlocked but chose to turn off all the lights and hid in one of the closets.

Then he waited.

He heard the patter of your footsteps and a soft “hello”, before creeping out from his hiding place and lightly approaching you. He was quiet enough for you not to hear him, the shadow of your frame slowing down and he could tell you were getting nervous.

She’s going to kill me, he thought to himself but refused to back out now that he had already set things in motion.

He towered behind you, noticing you freeze in place by the unknown and proceeded to wrap his long arms around your waist before pulling you into his body.

“ Boo !” he exclaimed in your ear, earning a well deserved shriek on your part.

“GOJO, YOU IDIOT!”

You elbowed him in the stomach, forcing him to let go of you as a fit of giggles escaped his lips.

You marched over to the light switches, flicking them to illuminate his large penthouse apartment and you furrowed your brows at the six-foot-three goofball who was covering his mouth to hold in his laughter.

“This is how you greet your friends after coming back from a trip?! By scaring the shit out of them?! Who the hell does that?!!”

Gojo tried to contain himself but the image of your jump scare was perfectly etched in his brain, replaying over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry …” he said in between laughs, breathing in to regain control of himself. “I couldn’t help myself but you should see your face!”

“Ugh, you immature , asshole!” you grumbled, throwing the bag that you were holding in your hands in his direction.

Gojo had superior reflexes and caught it before it flew over his shoulder. He took a minute to calm himself down, extremely pleased that his plan went accordingly.

Meanwhile, you tossed your purse onto his coffee table, huffing to yourself as you plopped down on his black sofa. You folded your arms across your chest, unable to even look at him because of how irritated you were.

Gojo glanced down at the bag in his hand, the clear plastic enclosing a number of rainbow colored candies on the inside.

He bit his bottom lip out of guilt. “Okay, I’m sorry …I mean it this time…”

You scoffed, “are you? Because you still seem pretty content with what you just did.”

“I’m not going to lie, seeing you react like that was worth it…”

You scooted away from him as he took his seat next to you.

“What if you were some kind of murderer?!”

“Now why would you think a murderer would be in this apartment when I invited you over in the first place? You’re smart, use a little logic…” he teased as he tapped your temple lightly before proceeding to open the bag of sweets.

“That’s it, you don’t deserve Rina’s candies...”

Gojo clasped his chest in disbelief, “ you don’t mean that… ”

You snatched the bag away from him, a satisfied smile spreading across your lips as Gojo frowned.

Deep down inside he was really happy to see you. Playful banter and all, your presence was the recharge he needed after his trip.

The two of you met eight years ago at Rina’s candy shop. At the time, your best friend was just starting her own confectionary business which you were helping her with by working part time while you were still studying at university. Gojo couldn’t get enough of her sweets, earning himself a reputation as a repeat customer. You and Rina constantly joke that he practically kept the business afloat during the early days.What you didn’t know is that he also had his eyes on Rina’s pretty friend. Unfortunately for Gojo, you were taken and oblivious to his advances.

He didn’t care; just because you weren’t interested in him in a physical sense, didn’t mean that you both couldn’t be friends. Gojo is the type of guy who would confidently socialise with anyone around him. He knew not everybody took to his personality, especially when the words “narcissist”, “egotistical” and “arrogant” were constantly used to describe him. You knew all this about him but still chose to maintain your friendship. How you put up with his petty behavior and childish ways often had him wondering why you stuck around but he was grateful that you did.

After all, you were his closest friend - the only person he relied on after Suguru died.

Gojo pouted his lips, singing your name as he leaned forward to you and softening his tone. “If I get down on my knees and apologise will you forgive me?”

“Hmmm…” you pondered, “I think that’s a fair punishment and you’re buying dinner tonight, which I’ll be choosing so you can’t make a fuss about it.”

Gojo nodded his head and shifted his position to plant his knees onto the floor. He placed one hand on his chest, his other lifting up his blindfold so he was peeping at you with just one eye.

“I sincerely apologize for the hurt I caused you. Will you please, with a cherry on top , forgive this idiot who is on his knees?”

He noticed your lovely smile, amused that he was the reason behind this reaction.

“Okay, you're forgiven,” you replied, as you extended the bag of sweets back to him, offering him to take his pick.

Gojo returned to his sit next to you, his fingers dipping into the candy mix before pulling out a ruby colored square and popping it into his mouth.

“Mmmm…” he moaned, as the flavor burst along his tongue, “ this is good.. .”

“It’s a fresh batch. She made it this morning,” you replied, picking up a piece of candy for yourself. “Now that we can be civilized. Tell me how your trip went…”

The two of you spoke briefly about his trip but Gojo wasn’t eager to disclose the headache he is currently going through trying to uncover the fingers of a one-thousand year old curse. Instead he shifted the conversation back to you, asking how your morning with Rina went instead. He was only back for twelve hours before he had to leave again. The two of you wanted to see each other but agreed that you would hold off on “grabbing drinks” until he returned three days from now.

However, Gojo noted how good you looked seated right in front of him. Before all this started, you would usually show up at his place in casual clothes, paying no attention about how you looked but tonight he realized that you made an effort.

You made an effort to look nice for him.

He appreciated it, because the pair of denim jeans you had on fit in all the right places that he loved paying attention to. Your white t-shirt revealed a hint of the lace bralette you were wearing underneath and the man wondered if that was a deliberate fashion choice on your part just to tease him. Your lips were painted in crimson, practically forcing him to focus on your mouth. He had to remember that the rules were there for a reason. The rules ensured that the two of you maintained the boundaries of your friendship. The rules were there because you two needed to make sure that this didn’t influence your existing relationship in any way.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, but I can’t promise an answer…” Gojo cheekily replied, popping another sweet in his mouth as he grinned at you.

“Can I see your… domain ?”

“Is that supposed to be a code for my dick or something?”

You rolled your eyes at him, “you keep telling me about all these powers you have but I’ve never seen any of it.”

Gojo squinted his eyes at you, “why are you so curious about me all of a sudden?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you were asking me a lot of questions about work just now, which you usually don’t do, and now you want me to show you my skill set…”

You fidgeted in place, your fingers tapping nervously against the fabric of your jeans. “I don’t know, I think it’s weird that we have been friends for so long but I still don’t know the real you…”

Gojo paused, taken aback by your statement, “of course you know the real me.”

“Not the parts of you that you keep hiding from me.”

It’s for your own good, he thought to himself.

Gojo pressed his lips together to stop himself from saying those words.

“You already know about my Six Eyes…” he light heartedly replied.

“There’s more to you than that! I guess I’m just curious to see what else you can do. Besides, I’m starting to come up with theories about your powers. Starting with the fact that you have to wear this blindfold at all times otherwise you’re going to start shooting blue laser beams at people.”

“No laser beams, I can promise that,” Gojo replied with a nervous chuckle.

“Then show me the you that “claims” to be the strongest jujutsu sorcerer…” you said, poking him gently on the shoulder. “I just…want to see something …”

Gojo pondered for a moment, sighing to himself as he was not quite sure what he could possibly do that wouldn’t risk putting you in danger. A few seconds passed before he stood up, taking the bag of sweets from your hand and placing it near your purse.

“I want you to stand in front of me,” he requested as he walked around the sofa and found a spot in the middle of the room.

You did as he asked and motioned your way to the position that he had requested. Gojo extended his arm out, ensuring that you were a good distance away.

“Alright, now give me a hug.”

You arched your brow, “seriously?”

“Just do it…” he insisted.

“If this is another stupid prank…”

“I swear it isn’t. Now give me a hug, I’m trying to make a point.”

You walked over towards him, taking your time until you were a few inches away from him. Your arms looped around his waist as you embraced him, but you stared up at him in confusion waiting to see what Gojo was planning next.

“Now what?”

“Okay…” Gojo placed both his hands on your shoulders, before motioning you back until you were an arms length away from him again. “Now I want you to try and push me,” he commanded.

“Push you?”

“Yes. Try to knock me down.”

You scoffed and he could tell that you probably thought he was messing around with you again. Just to play along you nonchalantly placed both your hands up and moved over to shove him, only this time Gojo did something that he’s never done in your presence.

Your eyes widened, your hands pressing into the air that was separating your touch from his body. The force like iron poured over concrete, incredibly powerful and completely protecting Gojo from you.

“Wait… why…” you voice shook, as your frustration got the better of you. Your hands started to tremble and Gojo noticed you increasing your force as you tried to fight the barrier of his infinity technique.

“ Why can’t I touch you?…”

You were using your legs to push now, every ounce of energy going into fighting the invisible cloak that shielded him.

Gojo smirked before dropping his infinity.

You felt the barrier lift, the pressure giving way as you hurled into him. Your body collided into his, all that pent up energy crashing into the sorcerer as you fell onto the ground. Gojo braced your fall but your face was planted into his chest and your arms lay flat on the ground besides him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

You gathered your senses, pushing yourself until you were sitting upright to face him. A puzzled look masked your face as you patted Gojo’s chest lightly before clutching shoulders and massaging your hands down his arms. “I can touch you now! How…how did you do that?…”

Your gaze lifted to meet his own both shocked and amazed by what just happened.

With his blindfold on you couldn’t tell that he was looking at you with wonderment.

Gojo straightened his back so that the two of you were facing each other. You shifted your legs, adjusting your position so you were straddling him. Your hands were still pressing his arms, gripping onto them as if you were trying to prove to yourself that you were indeed touching him.

“You asked me to show you something. So I did...” he said with a shrug.

“Was that your domain? Are…are you the domain?!”

Your innocent question made his heart swell, and a laugh escaped him.

“That’s not how it works! It's more complicated than that but this is just one of my techniques that I use to defend myself.”

“That’s… pretty cool …”

“Does it satisfy your curiosity?”

“A little.”

Gojo felt you finally let go of him. He glanced down to stare at your hands which were slightly red. He winced at the sight, bringing his fingers to wrap around your wrist as his thumb circled the center of your palm.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No, this is from smacking the floor when I tripped.”

“Technically still my fault, I should have warned you that I was going to drop my infinity…”

“When I tried to push you it was the weirdest sensation. Like, I was touching something but feeling absolutely nothing at the same time. Has anyone ever broken it? Your infinity?”

“You forget I’m the strongest,” Gojo smugly replied, “nobody can touch me unless I want them to.”

You hummed to yourself but Gojo could see that you were lost in your own thoughts. You took his statement into consideration but he could tell you still had more questions you wanted to ask.

“Thank you for showing me,” you replied softly, choosing to let it go for now.

Your eyes locked onto his, your cheeks a little flushed when you realized how close your faces were to each other. Gojo could sense your pulse increasing, your chest rising and falling as seconds passed between you both.

Right now, all he could think about is kissing you.

His lips brushed yours, a breathless sigh escaping you as you broke the silence that hung in the air.

“ Maybe, we should order some dinner…” you suggested, your eyes shimmering with anticipation.

“That’s an idea,” Gojo murmured, his eyes from beneath his blindfold dropping to your lips.

“I was thinking maybe we can take away from that place-“

His lips locked onto yours, interrupting your thoughts as he gave in to his desire. His hands moved to your hips, tugging you forward against him so he was holding you closer. He bit your bottom lip, before licking it and sliding his tongue into your mouth. Completely entranced by what he was doing, he didn’t notice your hands trailing up his chest until it circled around his neck. This kiss was different, slow and passionate as Gojo took the time to explore your mouth. The taste of sugar dance across your tongues as he deepened the kiss, and he could feel himself getting hard as your chest rubbed against his. One of his hands snaked it’s way up behind your back, tangling his fingers in your hair. His other hand began lifting your tee from the front, sliding underneath it as he slowly began rubbing the flesh of your midriff. You broke away from him, taking a second to catch your breath as you pressed your forehead into his and hoping to calm things down before they escalate.

“We shouldn’t…we said we weren’t going too…”

“You’re right, we probably should stop…” Gojo agreed, but his lips spoke otherwise as he returned a kiss instead.

“ Satoru… ” you whined, but he could sense the heat between your legs as your hips naturally bucked into him. “We said we wouldn’t…not tonight..”

“Then tell me to stop.”

“What about the rules…”

“Tell me that you want me to stop, and we can go back to what we were doing.”

His lips trailed to your neck, where he nipped and sucked at your skin with every intention of leaving a mark.

You whimpered, tilting your head instead and giving Gojo better access to continue what he was doing. Your silence spoke volumes and gave him the consent he needed to continue.

“Rules were meant to be broken,” he whispered in your ear. “And tonight, sweet girl, you’re all mine …”

- CHAPTER 5: EDGE -

#Gojo Satoru #Gojo Satoru x reader #Gojo Satoru x ofc #Gojo Satoru x you #Gojo Satoru smut #Gojo Satoru fluff #Gojo Satoru angst #jjk fan fiction #jjk smut #jjk x reader #gojo jjk #Gojo jujutsu kaisen

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nvrrmiind · 3 years

Text

Not In The Same Way ; Calum Hood

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: smut & swearing -- like always

Summary: the one where y/n doesn't love Calum the way she used to.

(Read more of my work here)

***

It started like most relationships did, with fiery passion and unrealistic standards of happiness. In the beginning there was an overwhelming feeling of love and trust, like they’d known each other in a different life and had somehow found each other again in this one. They’d joked about being soulmates, but as their relationship progressed it would become evident that that wasn’t the case. Not because they didn’t love each other enough, but because they loved each other too much. In fact, they loved each other so much that it prevented them from being happy.

Calum had met her through a friend of a friend, who couldn’t stop talking about the beautiful girl with the killer smile and vibrant personality. Eventually one thing led to another and they met for drinks on a terrace overlooking the city. They seemed perfect for each other, both adventurous, yet laid back, and both aspiring to make a name for themselves. Perfect, however, as the years progressed, was the last thing outsiders would dare to call the pair.

It’s like what everyone says, what is good, must eventually come to an end.

***

“I love you. You know that, right?” He whispered, fingers trailing up and down her naked back.

“Yea, I know that.” She sighed, trying to muster up the strength to give him a smile.

Their bodies were covered in a light layer of sweat, yet she was cold to the touch. Her face lay on the back of her hands as she turned away from him, her chest feeling heavy. She couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him that she loved him anymore, much like how she couldn’t muster up the courage to give him cheesy smiles or squinting eyes that were filled with happiness.

She’d given up responding to his ‘I love yous’. It’s not that she didn’t love him anymore, because she did, but not in the same way she used to. She used to love him with the entirety of her heart and soul; she used to admire everything he did and couldn’t find a single thing wrong about him. But as her infatuation dwindled and real life began to kick her ass, it was getting harder for her to remember all of the things she used to love about him.

“I’m going out.”

“Okay.” She felt him leave a lingering kiss on her shoulder before their bed dipped and he was leaving to the bar yet again.

Two and a half years, she’d sigh. Have I wasted two and a half years of my life on a relationship that is going to amount to nothing? And am I going to continue to allow myself to feel this miserable, and if so, for how long? These questions swirled through her mind constantly for the past couple of months; and to be frank, she wasn’t sure how to answer any of them. She felt stuck between her past and present self, because she didn’t want to leave the man who she lived with and built a life with, but she also wanted to branch off and do different things. She was still so young and full of life, why should she spend it with a man she was no longer in love with.

That was it, she decided. She still loved him, but she wasn’t in love with him.

By the time she’d managed to get out of bed and showered off the lingering smell of him, he was stumbling up the stairs, drunk off his ass; a normal routine of his for the past few weeks. Because while she was ignoring and avoiding her relationship issues, he was feeling all of the blow-back from it. Calum was feeling the space that she was putting between the two of them and how she hadn’t told him she loved him. He could tell that she wasn’t happy and he knew that he was the reason for it, but he wasn’t sure why.

She avoided her problems by shutting down and he avoided his problems by drinking. Maybe they still were a match made in heaven, he thought sarcastically.

“You’re home early.” She remarked, meeting his drunken gaze. He was standing in the doorway, slowly swaying on his feet. It was hard not to notice his puffy lip and the cut above his eyebrow. While she continued to trail her eyes down his frame, she stopped at his busted knuckles.

“They kicked me out.”

“I can see that.” Her eyebrows were furrowed as she approached him, loosely linking her hands with his. “Let’s go get you cleaned up.”

“I’m sorry.” He hissed as she brushed the alcohol pad over his cut. His hands were bruised, and hurt when he gripped them into fists, but he still gripped her close to him.

“What happened?”

“You want me to be honest?”

“I always want you to be honest with me.” She nodded, her free hand cupping the side of his face, her thumb running across the underside of his eye, his eye-bags evident from the lack of sleep he’d been getting.

“I wanted to fight.” He was sitting on the side of the tub, his body melting into hers.

“You’re a psycho sometimes.”

“Only for you babe.” He winked, flashing a quick smile, something she had missed seeing.

Times like this, when he held her close, and they had their comforting witty banter, she felt like everything was okay again. But nothing would really ever be the same again, not with the two of them. The damage was already done, but neither of them wanted to admit it -- to admit defeat. They stayed like that for what could have been hours, but in reality it was only minutes, until she pulled away to throw away the bloodied tissues.

She could feel his stare, but refused to meet his gaze in the mirror. She could see Calum’s eyebrows furrowed in sadness and confusion, like they had been for the last few dreary months.

“I love you.” He spoke quietly.

“Me too.” She whispered, feeling her chest tightening each time she refused to acknowledge both his love and the love she had for him.

So, she did the only thing that she could think of to ease the tightening in her chest and the hopelessness in his; she made her way to him and cupped his face gingerly and brought his lips to hers. It was sloppy and laced with desire, everything they both needed at the moment. While they both knew that sex wouldn’t solve anything, they couldn’t help themselves.

Calum’s hands gripped the hem of her t-shirt, or rather his, and pushed it quickly up her body, before he tossed it across the bathroom. He left wet kisses up her stomach and between the valley of her breasts, his hands grabbing at her perfect ass. She hastily worked at his jeans, pulling him up by his belt loops, before she yanked them down his legs.

It didn’t take long before her knees and forearms were pressed against the cool tile floor and he was filling her up like he’d done hundreds of times before. She felt so warm and snug wrapped around him, like he was meant to be inside of her, pounding in and out of her with pure lust. He loved looking at her from this angle, with her ass in the air and back arching in pleasure. Small pants left her mouth as her eyes rolled back with every rough thrust he gave her. The sound of skin snapping against skin filled the room and her sweet whimpers mixed with his breathless moans.

“Harder,” She gasped, her body shaking with pleasure. “Please, Cal, give it to me harder.”

His hips slammed into hers with fervor, sliding in and out of her slick folds with ease. She could feel her orgasm in the pit of her stomach, waiting desperately to be taken to the edge, so she could release around him.

“Come for me, baby.” He whispered into her ear, nipping at her neck. “Come all over my cock.” He continued, suckling on her neck, making sure to leave a mark. He needed to, to remind her that she was still his, despite all the recent flaws of their relationship.

“Fuck, Cal, I’m gonna--” She whimpered, hot pants lingering past her dry lips.

“That’s it.” He groaned, feeling her clench around him, her legs spasming as her orgasm flooding her senses. He fucked her through her high, before he was a garbling mess behind her. Spurts of his hot white come filling her up.

He stayed inside of her, holding his come inside of her in desperation. Desperate, that if he pulled out of her that she would walk out of the door at the very next moment. As much as he tried to drink away his problems, nothing could fix the pain he was going through. Calum felt like there was a hole in his chest, like part of him was missing. He felt empty and sad and angry; and all of this was because of the fucked out girl in front of him, who was still coming down from her high. But she couldn’t have been the only problem, he knew that he played a part as well, but he didn’t know where he went wrong or how he could fix it.

When he finally pulled out of her, his come dripped from her weeping hole and down her thighs. He marveled at the sight, but it didn’t last long, before he was in his head again, thinking about how the only time he felt close to her now was when they were having sex. Inevitably, he knew, that they would end up fighting sooner or later since nothing seemed to be going right for them.

He wondered if they’d reach the point of no return.

***

Tears slipped down her cheeks with ease and stained her tear-ridden hands. She was tired, so tired. Tired of having to deal with this tightening feeling in her chest from her mixed and muddled emotions. She couldn’t keep living like this -- feeling like she was confined and trapped inside of her own mind and body. She paced around their kitchen in nothing but an old t-shirt, her sock clad feet scuffing against the smooth hardwood. There was a glass of whiskey that she’d slowly been drinking, set on the island, it was her second glass -- maybe third -- not that it mattered.

Calum was passed out upstairs, having come home after he helped close out the bar. The clock above the stove brightly shined 3:12am, and she couldn’t quite figure out why she was awake or why she decided that drinking whiskey would fix her. She was turning into him, she thought dryly. Her mascara was making her lashes clump together and was drastically smeared below her eyes like she was going through a life crisis in some generic movie. Tissues were littered across the counter, full of her sorrows; she’d gone through half a box of tissue already and wondered how much more she’d go through before she’d be able to stop pouring her heart out over a glass, or rather bottle, of whiskey.

She scrolled through her phone for the past twenty-five minutes, looking at pictures of the two of them together. Seeing how the both of them looked so happy, so in love. Pictures from years ago flooded her screen, of them at some lousy bar -- his arm hanging lazily over her shoulder, holding her tight. Pictures at the beach, of her holding him in the water with cheesy smiles on their faces. Pictures of them cuddled up next to each other by the fire, photos that their friends had taken of him. There were pictures of them after one of his shows, where you could see the light sheen of sweat layered across his body, where she still held him close even though she secretly hated his sticky post-concert skin.

There were the more intimate photos of them, and silly ones, and romantic ones -- and paparazzi photos that she’d saved to her phone from Twitter. The longer she stared at the photos the tighter her chest felt yet she still couldn’t look away from them. Her eyes continued to fill to the brim with tears that spilled from her eyes and continued to leave streaks down her cheeks. Why couldn’t she look away? She nearly let out a sob, reaching for her tissue box once again. Her phone hit the counter with a soft thud and she threw back the last of her whiskey before refilling it for the third -- maybe fourth -- time.

Sniffle, sigh, sip. That was her new mantra and as she looked at the clock above the stove the numbers shined brightly at her, 3:54am.

“What are you still doing up?” Calum’s groggy voice shook her from her thoughts.

“I couldn’t sleep.” She murmured, downing the last of her whiskey.

“Why don’t you come back to bed.” He spoke softly, matching her tone.

Her back was to him as she leaned over the counter, her glass discarded to her side and large piles of tissues were scattered around her. She wondered if he could feel her sorrow from across the room but he often decided to play the oblivious card whenever he could. Part of her wished that he would sweep her off of her feet and take her upstairs where he’d whisper sweet nothings into her ear until she fell asleep. Another part of her wished that he’d yell at her for being so distant and moody lately or yell at her for not loving him the same way that he loved her.

“Why haven’t you left me yet?” She questioned, turning around to face him, sniffling in the process.

“What do you mean?” His brows furrowed, and although he wanted to act dumb he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“I’ve been a complete and utter asshole to you. I’ve been the shittiest girlfriend imaginable for at least the past month and you’ve stayed by my side like a sad fucking puppy.” She was angry, irrational, sad, and broken -- and she’d take it out on him if she had to.

“Because I know you’re just going through it. You’ll get over it, I know you will.”

“It’s not that simple.” She all but sobbed. “You don’t get it.”

“Then make me understand.” He came to her with soft eyes and open arms. “Help me understand what you’ve been going through so you don’t have to go through it alone.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you.” She fell into his arms, clinging to his shirt, fearing that he might slip through her fingers.

“I’d rather be hurt by knowing what’s going on in that brain of yours than be hurt by you not telling me anything.”

She breathed in his scent with nostalgia, thinking about all the memories they’d made together. She thought about their first date and their first kiss. She thought about the first time they said they loved each other and the last time she actually meant it. She also thought about moving in with him and getting their first dog together. Her memories came flooding back to her in waves, making her clutch onto him tighter. She didn’t want to leave him, but how could she stay with him if she didn’t love him?

“I - I don’t think I love you anymore. Not in the same way I used to, at least.” She cried into his shoulder, mascara staining a shirt he should have thrown away a long time ago. “I want to love you so bad, Calum; I swear! I just, I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll figure this out, y/n, I promise.”

#Calum Hood #calum #hood #5sos #calum hood one shot #calum hood imagine #calum hood x reader #calum hood smut #calum hood fanfic

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msawesomegeek · 3 years

Text

Things that should have been obvious ADHD

1. My tendency to get so god damn hyper as a kid that I thought I had ADHD, but my mom was like: you don't have can't sit still syndrome!

2. picking my nails, twirling a necklace, picking at bracelets, twirling a hair elastic around my fingers in a constant motion.

3. The inability to watch a show to the end. Like will have to be able to binge it in two to three days, and then I won't be able to watch it for a year. Getting one idea or reading a sentence and moving on to the next show. In a loop.

4. Hyperfixations I have had: Singing, dancing, writing music, poems, drawing, painting, analysing movies, animation, physics, playing guitar, playing piano, or ukulele, ADHD research, constantly starting fanfics but never finish them, writing a novel (I have been trying to do that for a year), writing a tv show, writing a movie, researching and being excited to share it with people in what my mother described as: "Me having too much free time.". (Also I probs forgot a lot, but just what I remember you know?)

5. Seriously nothing has to happen and then I screw up my sleep schedule.

6. I have NO impulse control.

7. The fact that I stayed up till two AM last night to paint posters for a party, but I haven't been able to do my dishes or fold my clean laundry for a week.

8. Sitting in the weirdest positions.

9. The fact that when I have to study or something for an exam, I would constantly move location, like once every 45 minutes. Because now it feels wrong and I cant concentrate here anymore!

10. The fact that I can only do things last minute, and will literally have to make myself a schedule with timed everything or else I will do nothing.

11. Rejection sensitivity, uuuuhm yeah, that is how I got myself into a depression. From just, what if everyone hates me?

12. I will buy food and make dinner based on impulse, but then be stuck with stuff that I cannot use because it no longer brings me serotonin, and even though I hate wasting food, I cannot physically get myself to eat it.

13. either binge eating or eating nothing at all.

14. The fact that I saw someone do this on tiktok and wanted to do it, but I should actually be working right now.

15. Relating to all the neurodivegent posts, but like, always just chalked it up to my dyslexia, which is like, they literally ask you if you might be ADHD when you get tested for that, because having both is so common!

16. The ability to listen to the same song on repeat for 8 hours straight, and now it is literally the only thing I can listen to when I work. Do I even like it anymore? I dont know!

17. Random cravings, whether it be like, I need to learn something! or I need to read something!

18. Having trouble with when to talk in a conversation. Like when is it cool to insert yourself? When am I bothering someone, and when am I participating?

19. And apropo conversations: The constant oversharing, like a friend once told me: I give zero fucks about this topic, but you are clearly so happy about talking about it, so I let you go on. Or just being like: here is an inappropriate amount of information about me.

20. I love hanging out with people who talk a lot and are very good at grabbing the attention for themselves, because that is the only way I am comfortable that I am not talking and/or just taking the attention too much!

In conclusion. I'm clearly fucking ADHD, and my mom should have believed me when I was young and told her I probs had ADHD. But then again, no teacher wanted to test me for dyslexia, which I was also just a classic case of, sooooo. In conclusion the school system sucks and I hope more kids these days are getting diagnosed, because having to wait 3 months to see a psychiatrist really sucks as an adult who is clearly not functioning, knows what is wrong, but not how to fix it!

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mountain-man-cumeth · 3 years

Note

How would you rewrite Muriel’s route?

This is the 3rd question I got with similar vibes so imma begin by saying that I am not a writer. I am a reader, a decent one, but I’m not the idea guy. I will try, though, since it seems like people are interested for some reason.

First of all I'd make some baseline changes to set the backstory proper;

Muriel chose the mantle of Lucio's executioner willingly, him and Asra had no other means to survive so they willingly worked as indentured servants under Lucio. He reasoned with himself thinking these are bad people and that he has no other skills to offer. (There might be a threat on Lucio's part that they can be replaced, he doesn't have to had given a villain speech for the implication. He is a rich tyrant and they are street kids, it the service they provide isn't up to par Lucio can easily look for alternative options.) Let me be clear, Muriel was not a gladiator. Gladiators are compensated generously for the entertainment they provide and often due to the amount of investment made on them, fighting to death wasn't a common occurrence. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Muriel, or rather the Scourge was well known and probably liked by the crowd, there's literally no reason for Lucio to utilize him otherwise. He wants people to enjoy the show, if everybody hated Muriel what use is he to Lucio?

Kokhuri are alive. The tribe had to relocate but they left Khamgalai to tend to the graves. They are nomadic and matriarchal people who likely don't adhere to mother-father-child kind of European family structure. The children are raised communally.

Muriel's curse has nothing to do with myrrh, there's a rune that can counter it and only he knows how to make it, he figured it out by himself for Asra. Any magic that can nullify a spell by Major Arcana is no doubt strong as fuck.

I'd start similar to main 3, MC is tasked to find Lucio's murderer. They find Muriel's brush or loincloth or whatever early on which leads them to the forest but because of the protective spells and the curse they get lost. They ran into Muriel or Inanna and she leads them to Muriel hunched over the corpse. They try to help, like the canon, and have a brush with Lucio's goat ghost. They tell him they were looking for the Scourge and Muriel says there's no Scourge here.

The day after they forget about Muriel but remember the rest and relay that information to Asra, who gets agitated by Lucio's return. He thinks Lucio is here for MC's body but doesn't explain anything, instead begs them to leave town until he figures something out.

They go to see Muriel and he reluctantly agrees to accompany them to the outskirts of the forest, on Asra's request.

Some point on their road trip Asra water-calls them to inform them that Lucio is looking for hearts and the Magician (or whoever else Asra consulted) implied they might find answers South. MC still doesn't know anything except maybe some comments Muriel could have made that painted Lucio in a bad light but they decide to investigate regardless. Muriel opposes, eventually caves (either thanks to MC or Asra). He lets out that he's been tailing MC on Asra's behalf for years so it shouldn't be that much different.

They go from town to town, MC helps Muriel ease into dealing with people again and it's easier since nobody knows jack about Scourge. They learn that he enjoys card games and collecting trinkets from different cultures. He might even get a little too enthusiastic about plants and gives random advice to a gardener.

We might learn here that Muriel doesn't like feeling that he's on a display or that he's performing. He prefers to lay low and blend in, not necessarily completely shut off the world.

They run into Morga(maybe they encounter raiders or a barfight or something alike), who's also been tracking Lucio. She proposes to work together. She berates Muriel for being a coward and convinces him to fight as that's all he's good for. (I think it's better if MC trains on magic rather than archery, I'm seeing alot of disabled MCs.)

She tries to train them but Muriel doesn't respond well to fighting and eventually Morga leaves. Valdemar or Vulgora catches them, Lucio's still trying to get MC's body. They escape just barely, MC gets hurt, Muriel beats himself up over it, some angst some fluff, you know the drill. Maybe he has a panic attack because panic attacks are usually not as on the nose as "Oh No I Gotta Fight Someone With a Knife". Looking for a shelter and aid, they find a cottage which turns out to be Khamgalai's. She helps them out, teaches Muriel how to heal using the techniques of their clan, I assume MC helps since they know some restorative spells too. She tells Muriel his family sent him away when they got ambushed so he wouldn't have to live on the run as Morga's clan was on a war path to conquer South. We get sad, lots of tears. Kisses might ensue.

Somehow it's revealed that this is the answer they were looking for and not Lucio (because I think the whole "Lucio's clan" plot was redundant) and Morga was just using them as bait to get Lucio out of Vesuvia.

Morga catches on to them, we learn who she is, Muriel and MC confront her but Khamgalai says her warmongering already costed her everything. She says she's trying to make up for it by killing her son and she needs MC to lure him out, they agree to work together, begrudgingly. (MC's past can be revealed here since they need to learn what's the deal with Lucio's obsession of them at some point)

Around this point MC might realize the mark's fading, Muriel brushes it off.

Instead of Lucio, Devil comes and tells them about Lucio's plan to do the ritual again. They go back to Vesuvia to warn people

Masquerade happens, people remember Muriel, Nadia or MC or someone give people an ultimatum. But oh no it was a TRAP all along, Devil told them of the ritual to get them right where he wanted. Lucio gets in MC's body, Asra sends them to the Arcana realm, same story as main 3.

MC forgets Muriel on the Arcana realm but through the power of love and maybe some guidance from the Hermit they go "oh no i forgot my boy". They return to find him in the Coliseum. What?! He was the Scourge?! Who could've thought. (this reveal wouldn't affect MC's opinion at this point since they already know he's a cinnamon roll)

This time Lucio's blackmailing him with MC's body. He says he needs hearts to make himself a new one and if Muriel grabs some for him MC can get their body back.

Story diverges to Upright/Reversed

Upright, if MC encouraged him to take it easy, but take it: MC snatches the body of someone he's suppose to fight to change his mind, he decides not to do it and instead go with defeating Lucio on the Arcana realm plan(curtesy of their friends). So here we can have a romantic scene like in Nadia's route where his chains are broken in the Arena.

They fuck around in the Arcana realm facing their fears and stuff, they bond, defeat Lucio, petrify the Devil etc. I like to think Muriel finds the forest spirit here, too, and maybe manages to heal it or learns that it's damaged but with enough time and care it will regrow. (a metaphor? in my arcana game? its more likely than you think)

Morga is charged for war crimes by the Kokhuri, the Coliseum is demolished and the love birds travel around doing their thing.

Reversed, if MC encouraged him to be strong and uncaring: MC fails to convince him and he decides to go through with Lucio's plan. He kills Morga and some more important spirits and fucks up the world. Which turns out to be a bogus plan anyways, Lucio only needed the hearts to settle his deal and Muriel kills him, too (I am untethered, and my rage knows no bounds!)

Without a body MC is stuck in the other realm so Muriel and them retreat to the magic dimension, defeat the Devil and live the rest of their days.

There might also be a 50 first dates situation going on inwhich they get stuck in a loop where MC constantly meets and falls in love with Muriel only to forget him in a couple of (magic realm)days.

idk man this aint my job im just spitballing here, im writing this long ass thing so ill look like im working

#personal #muriel

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