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morganaspendragonss · 3 years

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The Broken Soul of TK Strand (1/?)

so, that bonus fic i mentioned. i cannot take credit for it - it is a translation of 'la esencia rota de tk strand' by road1985, which in turn was inspired by my fic, 'out, damned spot'

i am so grateful to the original author for not only taking the time to write something based on one of my works, but also for allowing me to discuss the plot with her and translate it into english, especially when i am still learning her language. the only thing of this that is mine is the translation, and i sincerely apologise for any mistakes on this front 💚

ao3 | 3k | hurt tk, worried carlos, rituals, kidnapping, angst and hurt/comfort

The man leaned out from the alley and watched the scene. He had spent so much time preparing, he had carefully chosen the victim from many candidates weeks ago, and now it had all gone to shit because of a cigarette and some curtains embroidered by an old woman for her grandson.

He liked the fire. It was erratic, unpredictable, and powerful, just like his Lord, just as he himself aspired to be.

He watched the flames and longed to get closer, to touch them and know first hand the home of his master. But he still wasn’t prepared; he was missing one more sacrifice, the last one. He just needed one more soul, and then the doorway to hell would be open for him.

But it wasn’t just any soul he needed; he couldn’t choose the first stranger who crossed his path. That would be too easy - his Lord had told him so in dreams. To open the door to hell, he had to find pure souls which were close to the dark side, good souls that had been through horrible experiences and whose pain could be extracted together with their body’s vital liquid.

With each one of the souls he had already extracted, he had improved the ritual a little more. It was becoming cleaner, more discrete, and it seemed that the police still hadn’t found the other three bodies. With luck, he would finish the ritual before that happened.

But because everything couldn’t be perfect, the fire had ruined his plans.

He had spent days researching the people living in that building. All of them had problems, but David Archings was his target. An orphan and divorced, it was said that his parents died because of him, and this had destroyed his marriage even though the police found no proof. Now he lived alone in a small flat where no-one ever visited him.

He was a sad man, consumed by grief, and few would miss him.

But the fire had taken him before he could do anything, and this delayed his plans.

Or not.

Whilst he watched the flames consuming the building, the firefighters arrived. They worked quickly and in a matter of minutes, the fire was under control and almost extinguished.

He hated these people who always destroyed the work of his Lord. Who were they to put out the flames of the kingdom of darkness?

On more than one occasion, he had thought out teaching the firefighters a lesson, showing that that they weren’t and never would be stronger than the power of his master.

But there were always so many of them, always with police involved. For someone who enjoyed going unseen and carrying out assignments quickly, it would be too complicated and too much work to hurt them.

Despite everything, that night, the cards played a very different hand, one which could solve all his problems.

In that first moment, he didn’t know why he noticed the young paramedic, but there had been something about that that caught his attention. He had a special aura, which changed from dark to light and dark again, depending on the moment.

It was easy to focus on him. If men interested him, he would say that he was truly attractive. If he were searching for a pretty face, there was no doubt that the boy had it. He didn’t know him at all, but he could tell that he had a sad smile which hid fear and regrets - exactly the kind of darkness that he wanted and needed.

“TK,” an older man said, one of the firefighters who, judging by the resemblance, was clearly his father. “We couldn’t have done anything even if we had arrived earlier.”

“I know, but I can’t get the idea out of my head that it was my fault we got here late.”

“It could have happened to anyone.” The older man put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “You are one of the best firefighters I know, and now one of the best paramedics. We all have the right to make mistakes sometimes.”

The man began to see some of the darkness he needed for the ritual, but he needed more.

Another man, a police officer, came closer to the young man and opened his arms. The firefighter buried himself in them and the officer kissed his head. It was obvious that they were a couple; they weren’t hiding that they were together, and there was a great love between them. The officer was worried for the paramedic - it almost seemed like it had been taken from a romantic novel.

“Ty, your father is right. You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened. Tommy said that the man was dead before you got here.”

“I know, but I always think that it’s not fair, that things could have gone another way.”

The man smiled; the paramedic blamed himself for these two deaths but it was easy to see that he carried more guilt inside him.

“When these things happen, I remember what happened to me. If it hadn’t been for my dad always worrying about me, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“That’s a thing of the past and, look, thanks to it, you are here. Have you thought about it that way?” The police officer kissed him and they hugged again before leaving.

It was incredible. He had only thought about taking a soul who was close enough to what he needed. But that paramedic who had been a firefighter, that TK, was exactly what he needed. He was a broken soul, an aged vase in danger of shattering into a million pieces. A firefighter, perfect for punishing those meddlers, and, further, in a relationship with a police officer.

But he was surrounded by people and in the middle of a shift; he wouldn’t be able to take him that night. His master had taught him to have patience, so he let him go, taking note of the firefighters’ station number, so he knew where he worked.

The idea that he would have the soul he was sure was the perfect subject excited him greatly. He didn’t want any mistakes or to find him with a perfect family at home, so he decided to wait and do things right.

TK didn’t sleep well that night. They returned to the station after the fire, but he needed time to get to sleep and he woke up many times. When he finally did manage to sleep, he had nightmares about the idea that they could have saved those two strangers.

It wasn’t his fault, not directly at least, but if he had been ready earlier, if he hadn’t forgotten to replace the bandages in the ambulance, they would have arrived on time. Maybe then things would have turned out differently. He couldn’t be sure of course, but the nightmares did nothing but tell him just that.

He got up. Everything was still; with a little bit of luck nothing else would happen and they could finish the shift calmly and go home. But this didn’t make him feel any better, so he made himself a tea - if he had a coffee he wouldn’t be able to sleep a wink - and left the station. There were barely any buildings around it, so there was always a beautiful view of the sky.

A little while ago, they had placed some deck chairs on the small back patio and TK sat on one, with a blanket around his shoulders as it was a cool night. He drank the tea slowly as he watched the stars; they never changed, no matter what happened below. Whether people lived or died, the stars remained unshakeable and, in a certain way, this comforted him.

He liked the idea that there were things that couldn’t be changed, things that always happened in a certain way and, as much as he or anyone tried, it couldn’t change.

He closed his eyes - maybe he would be able to sleep out here, and in the worst case, he would catch a cold and spend a couple of days in bed with Carlos. That didn’t sound bad at all. TK drank the last drop of the tea and tried to relax; he had almost managed it when a noise at his back grabbed his attention.

It sounded like a crack, like branches breaking or something similar. He got up and peered into the darkness but there was no-one there and nothing moved. The sound returned, a little closer; maybe it was a wounded animal or one that was trying to get into the station’s trash in search of food.

“Hello?” TK called, only to feel like an idiot a second later; he already knew that there was no-one there.

He headed towards the trash cans but there was nothing there, and he sighed in relief - he would not have wanted a pissed-off raccoon to throw itself at him. TK turned around, but a dark figure, wearing a large coat or cape that didn’t even show a centimetre of skin, appeared in front of him.

“Who are you?” he asked, taking a step back and throwing two of the dumpsters to the floor.

He received no response other than seeing the gleaming edge of a knife the man had taken from under his clothes as he approached him.

The station lights turned on - throwing the dumpsters had raised the alarm. The stranger turned - he wouldn’t be able to do what he wanted, but before Paul and Judd arrived, he used the knife against him. TK raised his arm in defence and shouted at the sensation of the blade cutting his skin. He stumbled backwards and fell to the floor, but no-one was there save for his friends running towards him.

“TK, are you okay? What happened?”

He looked around him, but the stranger had already managed to disappear. “Where did he go?”

“Who? Hey, that cut looks bad,” Judd said, helping him to his feet.

“There was someone here, he attacked me with a knife.”

Owen and the others arrived a moment later, and searched the station, but found no-one. Judd pushed TK to go back inside so that Tommy could treat his arm.

“It’s not a deep cut, but it has nicked a couple of veins so it looks worse than it is,” his captain said as she finished bandaging his arm. “You said that a hooded stranger did this? It’s possible that you tripped and cut it on glass or a broken bottle.”

“There was someone in front of me, he had a knife.”

“Something tells me that the fire today affected you a lot,” Owen said behind him. “Captain Vega, don’t you think it would be a good idea for him to go home and rest?”

“No! I’m fine, really. That man attacked me and then disappeared.”

But they forced him to go home.

Carlos was waiting for him; he had been asleep but he always left the sound on his phone in case anything happened to TK. Judd had called him and told him what had happened and that TK had been put in a car home.

He met him at the door, barely having time to prepare himself before TK was hugging him.

“I’m not crazy, babe, and the fire didn’t affect me so much that I’m having hallucinations of people attacking me.”

“Shhh, I know. I know you’re not crazy.” Carlos left kisses on TK’s forehead and cheek, and did the same when he took his hands, kissing the palms and the back as he led him to the sofa. “You need to sleep and relax. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“But…”

“But nothing, baby. Sleep, and I’ll stay awake so no-one else tries to hurt you.”

TK wasn’t sure if Carlos believed him or not, but he always felt safe in his arms. He let go and, without bothering to change his clothes, curled up next to Carlos on the sofa. He sighed, feeling his arms surrounding him, and closed his eyes.

They were all right about something - between the last shift and what had happened by the dumpsters, he was exhausted and needed sleep, so it wouldn’t hurt to do it.

When he woke up, Carlos was still awake, reading. By the yawn he gave, it was clear that he had fulfilled his promise and not slept all night.

“Are you feeling better?”

TK looked at his arm, hoping that what had happened the previous night had been a dream. But the bandage was still there.

He nodded. It was stupid to think that someone wanted to hurt him, or that they’d wait around the station until dawn to do it. Maybe it was true, maybe he had had a nightmare about the fire and ended up cutting himself with glass, like Tommy had said.

The kiss to his cheek brought him back to reality.

“Should I make breakfast?”

“We could do it together?” TK offered, but Carlos clicked his tongue and laughed. “Okay, sorry, what I meant is that you make breakfast and I’ll lend a hand.”

“Perfect.” With another kiss to the forehead, Carlos circled his waist and made him get up. He looked happy, with that warm, perfect smile that made TK feel as if nothing could go wrong. “What’s up? Why are you looking at me like that?” Carlos asked.

TK shook his head and the smile returned. His arm didn’t hurt and the fear of the hooded stranger disappeared all at once. He took Carlos’s hand to go to the kitchen and they spent the next hour making a breakfast that, between laughs, games, caresses, and a round of sex on the kitchen island, ended up more on them instead of being eaten.

“Happy anniversary,” Carlos whispered in TK’s ear, feeling the fast beat of his heart.

“Oh, are you serious? We’ve been together for a year today?”

“You forgot, right?”

“Babe, I’m so sorry, I… No, I did forget, but I’ll make it up to you.”

Carlos took off his flour-covered shirt and gave him a quick kiss. “You don’t have to, don’t worry,” he said, before heading to the bathroom.

“Carlos, babe, wait.” TK tugged at him. “Everything’s been so perfect with you. And it’s gone so fast too. When we started dating for real, I didn’t want to give myself hope that we would last and I decided to take it day by day. I was always scared that…”

Carlos took his face in both hands. “I’m not Alex, nor could I ever be Alex.” He never lost his smile; even now that he was hurt, he kept smiling and kissing TK. “And I’m going to be here, with you, forever. I love you, Ty. I love you so much, so I’m going to carry on as if I hadn’t heard anything, and I’ll wait for you at the precinct at six tonight so we can celebrate our anniversary.”

“Okay, though what we just did…”

“That was just the appetiser. Babe, you have no idea what I have prepared for tonight.”

TK worked that shift like normal, though every once in a while, he looked at his arm. He’d convinced himself that it was impossible that someone would have attacked him. Why go to the station to hurt him? Why him? It didn’t make sense.

Luckily, the shift was quiet and it enabled him to rest; they only went on one call and the rest of the day, Tommy and his father both told him to take it easy. But now that he wasn’t thinking about the fire, he couldn’t get out of his head how bad Carlos must be feeling after TK forgot their anniversary.

He had to do something, to somehow make it up to him.

“Can I leave a little early today?” he asked Captain Vega, before telling her everything that had happened.

“Go, buy him something pretty - forgetting the first anniversary is very serious.”

He had studied the area, parking the car somewhere that wouldn’t appear suspicious, but also a place where he could see the soul he lacked.

His blood was perfect; the ritual he had done last night had been a success, and its taste was exquisite. Now all that was left was to take him and prepare him for the final ritual.

He had decided to wait until his shift was over, but there was no doubt that fate was helping him, as he saw him leave two hours early. He got out of the car, seeing him put in his headphones, and raised his hood to avoid the wind.

“Hey, TK!” a voice behind them said, the only thing that hadn’t gone as he expected, the only thing that made him improvise.

He hid the syringe he carried in his jacket pocket and, gripping tightly to the iron bar he’d found nearby, hit his victim in the head.

TK fell to the floor, sounds reverberating around him, barely able to see anything other than white lights.

“He’s already left,” said another voice inside the station.

“I’m… I’m here. Help,” TK breathed, his voice barely there. Even that was painful as he watched the stranger, the same from the previous night, approached him with an iron bar in his hand. “Dad… Judd… Please.”

“For the return of the Great Dark Lord,” said the other man, closing the gap that separated him from TK. He knelt in front of him and placed the iron on his chest. “For the Lord of the Dark to walk the earth, you will give your life, your blood, and your soul. You are the fourth chosen. The fourth cardinal point to mark his return.”

“Please, you’re wrong… I’m not the one you’re looking for.”

“You are. Soon you will see.”

Before TK could say anything else, a second blow to his head left him sprawled on the ground, like a broken toy.

#911 lone star #911 lone star fic #tarlos #tarlos fic #tk strand #carlos reyes #owen strand #tommy vega #judd ryder #911ls #lone star #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing

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omnivorousshipper · 3 years

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De aged Deckard: You’re gonna go far, kid - Part 33

Summary: When the Shaw siblings try to break into an Eteon facility, they’re met with some unexpected consequences. Now, it’s up to Owen and Hattie to be the older siblings Deckard never had. Even if they have no idea what they’re doing

Part 32

Gasping through his tears and stuffed nose, Deckard had no idea how long he stayed in that pitch black room, struggling against his bonds and trying to calm, unsuccessfully. No matter how much air he took in, it was never enough, leaving him feeling lightheaded and wanting to just sleep. But, the small voice was screaming at him not to sleep, not when there was obvious danger surrounding him. The voice encouraged him to escape, but no matter how much Deckard twisted his arms or wiggled, all that happened was the sharp that intensified in his wrists. He couldn’t quite tell, but he swore he felt blood but with the lack of light and the fear coursing through his veins, that was the least of Deckard’s worries.

All he wanted to do was turn on the lights.

It was rare for his father to punish him by shoving him into the pantry or hallway closet, but when it did happen, Deckard would always be left for at least the whole day or night, depending on when and what he did to deserve the punishment. It was one of the worst punishments for Deckard mostly because it meant he couldn’t be around his younger siblings to make sure they were safe and taken care of. The last time he had been locked away all day in the pantry, Deckard had found both Owen and Hattie crying in hunger because they hadn’t been fed all day while their father had gone out to eat. After all, it was his responsibility to cook for the family.

As he sat on the bed, twisting his wrists in earnest, Deckard could feel the creeping dread rising through him at the idea of being bad enough to deserve this punishment. He hadn’t meant to steal from Cipher, the little voice had gotten so strong in the moment, he couldn’t help himself, especially when he heard his family and Brixton’s voice. Why had Cipher lied to him about the man? Why did she say he died?

Nothing made any sense to Deckard. He trusted Cipher and would do anything she said, so why had she lied? Didn’t she trust him in the same way? If she didn’t trust him then he should never trust her, but every fiber in his being told him he needed to listen to her, which meant he needed to trust her. Head spinning from the odd logic, all Deckard could do was sit in the deafening silence and try to wipe his tear stained face the sleeves of his pajamas.

He had no idea how long he stayed in that small, dark room before a loud noise made him jump and the room was suddenly flooded with too bright light. Flinching harshly, Deckard clenched his eyes tight and whimpered at the noises that seemed too loud after having sat in silence for so long.

“Stand up.” Cipher’s voice snapped at him. Not wanting to disobey, Deckard slowly slid his feet off the bed, even if he could barely keep his eyes open enough to see the floor. Finally, he was able to get off the bed and sway on his feet. Blinking up at the woman, Deckard quickly averted his eyes. “You pathetic little runt. All of this is your fault.”

“I’m sorry.” Deckard immediately apologized, the words falling from his lips from muscle memory at all the similar insults his father would say. If anything, Cipher was much kinder than his father at times.

“Look at me while I talk to you!” She snarled and a strong hand gripped Deckard’s chin harshly, jerking his face upwards so he was staring directly into her rage filled eyes. Trembling, fresh tears flowed down Deckard’s cheeks as he tried to keep his breathing even. Before he could try to apologize again, Deckard whined as the strong fingers on either side of his face pressed down on his jaw, slowly forcing his mouth open. Struggling against her hold, Deckard stared at her with wide eyes completely unable to resist her will. Watching her, he saw her pull out another bottle of the purple drink he had taken earlier.

Don’t drink it!

Whining, Deckard felt his very being splitting in two as the voice in his head screamed Brixton’s warning while the rest of him told him he needed to take it. He didn’t know what to do!

All he could do was pull frantically at Cipher’s hold, but that seemed to only make her even angrier as the bottle was shoved past his lips and his head forced backwards. The same disgusting taste filled his mouth and he choked as the liquid went down his throat involuntarily. He tried not to drink the rest, but Cipher pinched his nose and suddenly he couldn’t breathe.

Panicking, he struggled as hard as he could, but couldn’t escape Cipher’s grip. Gasping for breath, the liquid went down the wrong pipe but still went down his throat as he coughed and hacked. He would have doubled over if it hadn’t been for the hand fisted in his hair, keeping him upright. A large hand rubbed up and down his throat, making sure he swallowed everything down. Panting, all Deckard could do was endure the woman’s touches and let her do what she want.

Gradually, her touches didn’t seem to bother him as much and neither did the pain that was radiating from his wrists. He felt oddly distant from his body in that moment.

“About fucking time.” Cipher grunted, shoving him back onto the bed. Unable to stop himself, Deckard landed on the mattress, not really caring about his position. He simply laid there, waiting for Cipher to tell him what to do next as he heard her rummaging around the room. Suddenly, their was a small snap and his hands were free, but even then Deckard didn’t move. He hadn’t been told to. “Get up.”

He was much quicker following her command compared to just a few minutes ago. Staring up at her, Deckard saw her holding out a bundle of clothes towards him.

“Get cleaned up and dressed. We’re landing in half an hour. And hide your wrists, I don’t need some concerned citizen asking you why you’re hurt.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Deckard dutifully took the bundle of clothes, barely noticing the blood soaking into the sleeves of his pajamas.

“Call me auntie from now on.” Cipher told him before leaving the room. Standing still, Deckard watched her disappear before moving to follow her directions.

He never questioned the small voice in his head disappearing as well.

#deckard shaw #cipher #tw child abuse #tw brainwashing #hobbs and shaw #omni writes #de aged fic #a different de aged fic

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that-scouse-wizard · 3 years

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David Willows MK 2

A/N: Just an updated version of David’s profile, complete with a few changes and a more in-depth description of certain characteristics. Hope you guys enjoy and if you’d like your MC to be friends with him, message me and let’s chat about it.

Some more things to note:

-Merula is not the mole.

-I’m using the female version of Rowan as David’s best friend because to hell with game restrictions. Also, she survives, at least... David’s Rowan does.

-Drastic alteration to the Quidditch storyline. Skye is in David’s year and a Gryffindor. Orion, Murphy and Erika are two years above David and are in Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin respectively. Also including Andre and Charlie while introducing Oliver Wood and Lee Jordan.

-It goes without saying but spoilers for my ideas. Some are kept deliberately vague and some aren’t covered entirely more so because I intend to write about it someday. Let me know what you guys think of those that are given though.

-------------

General Information

Name: David Owen Willows (Formerly David Owen Hall, changed to mother’s maiden name in 1982).

Gender: Male

Age: 11-18 (1984-91), 19-25 (1992-98)

DOB: 30/03/1973

Species: Human

Blood status: Half-blood

Sexuality: Straight

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Ethnicity: White-British

Nationality: English (maternal side of family is Irish, paternal grandmother is Scottish, paternal grandfather and father are English).

Residence: Liverpool/ Lancaster (during his Hogwarts years and depending upon who he’s staying with).

Wimborne (during his career as a pro Quidditch player)

Hogsmeade (final place of residence after becoming Charms professor)

Myers Briggs Personality Type: ENFP, The Campaigner

Character summary: Though he may come across as stand-offish at first, David Willows is a friend as loyal as he is bull-headed. A student of Erika Rath, he became known as Hound on the Quidditch pitch for his relentless pursuit of opposing players. A skill in duelling and the muggle martial art of muay thai (also a pair of knuckledusters) ensures David is a formidable opponent with or without magic.

Personality:

Aggressive: While he tries to reign in his anger, David is known to have a short temper when it comes to certain taunts. Chief amongst them, comparing him to Jacob. In his early years he was even willing to physically fight much older students despite the clear difference in both size and strength.

Aloof: For all of his first year and a good portion of his second year, David isn’t the one to initiate a friendship (except for Chiara but that was when there was no one else to really talk to while spending a night in the Hospital Wing due to the Devil’s Snare incident). However, while undergoing his first time as a quidditch player, he’s taught by Penny how to be a bit more social at pre and post-match parties.

Artistic: David was taught by his mother Rue to draw in greyscale sketches, something he improves on during his time throughout Hogwarts. In the midst of Jacob’s disappearance, his parent’s divorce and especially the stress that comes at Hogwarts, drawing provided an escape for him. His favourite things to draw are people and creatures.

Competitive: This aspect of David tends to come out the most when it comes to sport. With Erika as his mentor, he nurtures a healthy sense of competition as well as a determination to best the other houses and put Hufflepuff on top when it comes to quidditch.

Courageous: Largely as a result of his loyalty, David is willing to throw himself headlong into danger. The Sorting Hat didn’t nearly put him in Gryffindor for no reason.

Determined: When David sets his mind to a goal, he wants to accomplish it to the best of his abilities. In the case of finding Jacob however, it led to a sort of tunnel-vision, one that was finally broken when Chauncy and Philip succumb to injuries sustained under the sleepwalking curse.

Empathetic: Throughout his years at Hogwarts, David starts to empathise with people in his life. Even in the case of Merula, he sees how lonely she must really be and tries to reach out to her on numerous occasions. If he doesn’t fully understand it, he’d like you to share your feelings with him, at your own behest of course.

Loyal: In spite of a prickly exterior at first, once you win David’s loyalty, he’ll return it ten-fold. The type of friend who would take a bullet for you.

Snarky: David has a sharp tongue, preferably he tries to shut down an argument with his wits. Only going for duelling when he feels it necessary. That being said, he isn’t shy about getting petty in a verbal spar, for example his response to Merula when first being taunted about Jacob supposedly teaming up with Voldemort: “At least that’s just a rumour, can’t say the same about your parents.”

Stubborn: A self-described ‘stubborn git’, David is quite notorious for not budging from his position once he thinks he has all the facts he needs. If he’s being especially difficult, just get Merula.

Appearance

Face Claim: Dave Franco (as an adult at least).

Voice Claim: Paul McCartney.

Game appearance:

Physique: Athletic, broad shouldered and fairly bulky as a result of weight training with Erika.

Hair Colour: Dark Brown

Hair style: Chin-length (1st-2nd year), crew cut (3rd-4th year), short but long enough to slick back (5th year-present).

Eye colour: Dark brown.

Height: 5′11″ (as of 6th year)

Weight: Approx 80kg (when fully grown)

Scarring: A few small ones sustained during duels and the occasional mishap in quidditch, mostly on his upper body with a few on his legs. Sustains a burn scar on the left side of his waist during the battle with R.

Body modifications: Get’s the phrase “You’ll never walk alone.” tattooed on his right bicep at eighteen. Later gets a ram skull tattoo on his upper back just between the shoulder blades at age twenty. Finally, gets a shepherd crook just below the ram skull tattoo at age twenty-one.

Inventory: His wand, a pair of knuckledusters, a sketchbook, a pencil case containing stationary.

Fashion: He trusts Andre’s advice on what looks good on him though knows what works for him and what doesn’t. Partly influenced by his musical tastes (mainly punk, and rock and roll), has a love of leather jackets and slightly ripped jeans.

Background/ History:

Pre-Hogwarts:

-David was born in Liverpool, living in the suburb of Allerton. One of his favourite things to do was play football with Jacob and his dad.

-His mum would teach him to draw, most often on rainy days.

-Close to both of his parents as a result but it all changed when Jacob disappeared. He knew Jacob and his parents had arguments after being expelled but hadn’t heard any of it on account of the use of a muffling charm. Furthermore, Rue and Matthew were driven apart, Matthew blaming Jacob’s change in attitude and eventual disappearance on magic in its entirety.

-Sometime after Jacob disappeared and when the general shitshow stirred up by the Daily Prophet had died down, it was settled that Rue and Matthew would divorce. Given that David would go to Hogwarts as well, they thought it would be best for David to take Willows as his surname, hopefully not being recognised as Jacob Hall’s brother.

-This was fruitless, Rita Skeeter caught wind of the proceedings and sensationalised them, exposing the name change in the process. The stress and grief caused both parents to distance themselves from David in some way. Rue threw herself into work and became even more strict with David’s freedom while Matthew just left.

-David however, was fighting his own battles, it became known at his muggle school about Jacob going missing as well as his parents divorcing. This caused him to become quite reclusive from his classmates and would lash out at anyone who said a bad word towards him, especially if it concerned his family drama. He lost any friends he did have and refused to make any more.

During Hogwarts

-Year 1: He first meets Rowan, even being introduced to her younger brother, Alder (basically male Rowan).

David, Rowan, Tonks, Diego, Chiara and Penny first begin to form what becomes known as the Hufflesquad.

Also befriends Ben and Charlie.

Angelica Cole takes him under her wing despite not being in the same house and even shows David a group of trolls she’s been tending to in preparation for her apprenticeship in training security trolls.

Meets the Booths during the Christmas break and despite a rocky start, begins to develop a positive relationship with them even coming to an understanding with his dad.

During one of his expeditions with Angelica, he’s confronted by Needle, an acromantula that previously belonged to Jacob.

Finally stands up to his mum properly, resulting in him staying with the Booths for the summer in Lancaster.

-Year 2: David meets those who are involved in the Quidditch scene at Hogwarts, including Erika Rath, who he briefly develops a crush on until he’s let down gently at the end of Year 2.

He duels Merula for a second time, winning once more, which makes her cry albeit in private. This then results in having his first encounter with Barnaby Lee, who confronts David about upsetting Merula. David tries to get past but Barnaby wraps his hands around David’s throat. Not actually choking him mind, more to get his attention. David panics as it reminds him of the Devil’s Snare that wrapped around his throat and lashes out at Barnaby.

David puts Barnaby in the hospital wing, much to the anger of Liz Tuttle.

The last Quidditch match for the House Cup between Hufflepuff and Slytherin is interrupted by the spread of the cursed ice. Ultimately resulting in Gryffindor’s victory in the cup for that year.

Rue comes back, mentioning how Corey Hayden (David’s American cousin in this AU) would like to transfer to Hogwarts.

Year 3: Amelia comes to Hogwarts as a first year and gets sorted into Hufflepuff. Similarly, Alder starts at Hogwarts and is sorted into Ravenclaw.

Amelia brings Dusty, her cat, along with her. However, Dusty goes missing shortly after arriving at the castle.

Later, in a COMC class, Barnaby mentions that he found a cat matching Dusty’s description. Initially, David is very suspicious to the extent of threatening Barnaby if he harmed Dusty in any way. Barnaby refutes this and returns Dusty to him unharmed, causing David to apologise for both for the accusation and the events that happened last year. Eventually, he even befriends Barnaby.

In a similar vein, when tending to some of his creatures on the reserve, he bumps into Liz and winds up introducing her to Needle. The two get a friendship going, David admiring Liz’s passion for creatures and Liz appreciating David for not finding her weird when she rambles about animals. To the extent that they go out on a few dates.

Close to the end of the year, he rants at Merula. Effectively asking the question of why she seems to hate him. Yet despite the rant he closes off with how he understands Merula, he’s been that lonely kid lashing out at the world and it’s not fun. Despite her reluctance to admit it, Merula knows David is right.

He gets the chance to verbally unload on Rita Skeeter for the articles she wrote about his family when she comes to the school looking to interview an interesting student. Later, several of his friends plus Merula of all people step in to put Skeeter in her place when she successfully provokes him into a fit of rage to make him look bad. The situation is eventually diffused by McGonagall.

Year 4:

Corey officially transfers to Hogwarts from Ilvermorny after exchanging letters with David throughout third year.

Though David wasn’t particularly close to them, Chauncy and Philip (two of his dormmates alongside Diego) succumb to injuries sustained when they were attacked by a red cap under the Sleepwalking curse. When he learns the truth of what attacked them, David slays the creature.

David starts to realise he has a crush on Merula after assisting her in casting Expecto Patronum. Later in the year, he takes her out on a date to Hogsmeade, gets her a songbook for Christmas and even takes her out to the Celestial Ball.

Merula’s parents are freed from Azkaban by R, her mother even meeting Merula in secret throughout the year. During one of their meet-ups, she has a hunch Merula is starting to develop a crush on David (something which is true but not something she would admit it at the time).

In order to eliminate this apparent threat to her family’s blood purity, she asks Merula to bring him to her in the Forbidden Forest under the guise of allowing the two of them to join R like she has. Instead, she subdues David with Petrificus Totalus, attempting to convince Merula to leave him, that David isn’t worth it.

Merula sides with David even though it pains her initially. David stays with her over the summer, where they try to figure out... whatever the hell their relationship is at the moment.

Year 5: Throughout this year he dates Merula in secret until Valentine’s Day. It’s here that she confesses she’s ready to have their relationship out in the open.

One of the most major event for David is Rakepick’s betrayal, he had actually grown fond of her as a mentor. Being stabbed in the back wasn’t a good thing for him.

The second is Jacob leaving immediately after David finds him. It’s hurtful and David becomes a bit reclusive for a while. Finally, he’s comforted by Bill, Orion and Erika, the older sibling figures in his life.

Year 6: Jacob returns, under the watchful eye of Alastor Moody, acting as the DADA teacher for that year. Naturally, there’s tension between the brothers, which eventually resolves.

Jacob does join David for the Christmas break, where he gets along well with the Booths and reunites with his parents.

As well as this, R attempts to come after Amelia, resulting in the death of Alder Khanna. As well as being a devastating loss, it causes a rough patch in David and Rowan’s relationship when in her grief she winds up shouting “I wish I’d never met you, David Willows!” She only realises what she just said when the words leave her mouth but regardless, it causes a fracture within David’s larger circle of friends.

Eventually, the time comes for when David, Jacob and their allies take on the vaults like they had always dreamed of. Together, they face off against the guardian of the Sunken vault, an Ammit (based on the creature of Ancient Egyptian Mythology). Eventually the beast is defeated and they claim the treasure of the vaults, what seems to be the base of a necklace.

In a celebration at the Three Broomsticks, R attacks and murders Jacob. This sends David spiralling into grief, hitting his truly lowest point. He worked so hard, he rebuilt his family at home and forged a new one at Hogwarts, all the while hoping Jacob would be able to join them. And what was it all for? Nothing.

Before the school year is up... he snaps his wand and runs away from Hogwarts. Not to Liverpool, not to Lancaster, just anywhere but there. It will keep his friends and family safe or so he reasons. Deep down though, he thinks it’s cowardly.

During this time, he finds his way to Glasgow and starts sleeping rough on the streets all the while battling with grief, anger and self loathing. This goes on for two months before Moody tracks him down, apparating him to a secluded area of the Scottish countryside, kicks his arse and talks him down. Taking him to Grimmauld Place afterwards with the intention of formulating a plan to take the fight to R.

Where he finds most of his remaining friends waiting for him. At first he staunchly refuses their help, feeling he’s already put enough people in danger. Yet they refuse to leave.

This is actually the moment where the Circle of Khanna is formed, this time named for Alder. Reconciling with Rowan after a serious heart-to-heart.

Year 7: ...Let’s just say R is going to regret setting David Willows on the warpath.

R’s destruction becomes widely regarded news, however David allows Moody to take the credit for it. Frankly, by this point he’s sick of any attachment to the Cabal and just wants to play Quidditch.

He’s able to pass his NEWTS and win the Quidditch cup for Hufflepuff one last time, resulting in him being offered the position as beater on the Wimborne Wasps.

Post-Hogwarts:

David and Merula work things out, moving in together. Though it’s odd with David still keeping at his Quidditch training and Merula now working for Gringotts as a curse-breaker. After winning the British and Irish League for the Wasps in 1993, he proposes to Merula which she accepts.

In 1994, they have a wedding in the summer time with Rowan being David’s best woman. They did plan on having kids until Cedric’s murder at the hands of Voldemort. With Quidditch cancelled and Merula being affiliated to Gringotts, both are approached to work for the Order.

Though initially very hesitant, David agrees. Eliminating Death Eaters, rescuing their hostages and even fighting in the Battle of Hogwarts.

He returns to the Quidditch scene when it starts up again in 1999, helping the Wasps win the cup three more times. 1999 is also the year in which Merula and David have their first kid, Robin. After the latest victory in 2002 he discovers Merula is pregnant again, and his retirement from Quidditch is looming on the horizon. He’s convinced by Judith Harris (@judediangelo75) to teach for a few weeks over the summer at KC’s (@kc-needs-coffee) quidditch summer camp. It’s here that he develops a love for teaching. Getting in touch with professor Flitwick to work as his assistant before becoming the Charms professor.

In early 2003, he welcomes his son Nicholas into the world.

Family

Matthew Hall (father):

Face Claim: Ben Miller

A stern but fair man and CIMA-qualified accountant originally from Yorkshire, Matthew met David’s biological mother Rue when he was on a business trip to Dublin in 1956. Encountering her in a quiet pub being told “I’ve dealt with a real dragon today” when he asked if she was okay on account of how tired she looked. Matthew took it as a joke but Rue was being entirely serious. They struck up a friendship and began dating, eventually getting married in 1961 and having Jacob in 1964.

initially, he was fascinated by the existence of the wizarding world but soon came to fear it after Jacob’s disappearance. Divorcing Rue afterwards and cutting off contact from David aside from agreeing to send child maintenance. However, after being chewed out by his girlfriend Lyra, he all but begs David to come visit him in Lancaster over Christmas in 1984.

The reason being that Amelia’s magical abilities finally began to manifest, which became a cause of conflict between David and Matthew, largely from David thinking that was the only reason he was invited. Eventually, they come to an understanding and try to work on improving their relationship.

Rue Willows (mother):

Face Claim: Fiona O’Carroll

A dragonologist from Dublin in the employ of the Dragon Research and Restraint Bureau. Though she was strict, she was generally attentive towards David, being the one who taught him to draw.

After Jacob’s disappearance however, she became very withdrawn and austere. It was her way of opting for a ‘tough love’ approach, thinking she had been too soft and in her misguidance tried to control David’s life. Even then, she still grieved, frequently getting into arguments with David about his behaviour at school, bringing up Jacob when David tried to make her proud of him and other such things.

During the start of the summer break between first and second year, David finally stands up to her properly. The words that get through to her are the following, “That stranger’s name is Lyra and she’s been a better mum to me in the weeks I’ve known her than you have for me in years.” and “I love you too mum... but I don’t know if I like you anymore.”

She does a lot of soul searching after that, staying with relatives in America for a year before coming back and promising to do better with her and David’s relationship.

Lyra Booth (nee Robinson) (step-mother):

Face Claim: Ruth Wilson

A muggle and CIMA-qualified accountant originally from London, left widowed in 1980 after her first husband, Peter died in a car accident. She met Matthew when working at an accounting firm in Lancaster shortly after his divorce from Rue. After a couple months of knowing each other, the two began dating, Lyra introduced him to her children, who he hit it off well with.

She knew he had a son who he sent child maintenance to but it wasn’t revealed until Amelia accidentally made a plant pot explode in a fit of frustration that Lyra learned the truth. Consequently... she blew up at Matthew for as good as abandoning as his son. Insisting on inviting him around for Christmas.

While David was prickly when he first came around, he eventually warmed up to her and the rest of the Booths, being a positive maternal influence on him.

Jacob Hall (brother) (deceased):

Face Claim: Tom Holland

David’s only biological sibling, a gifted though trouble-making student, first became interested in the cursed vaults during his first year when he was informed about the legend by seventh year Patricia Rakepick. In his sixth year, he stood up for fellow Gryffindor Angelica Cole when she was being bullied (at the time she was a first year).

His investigation into the vaults would put him into conflict with the mysterious cult known as R. A conflict that would put his family in danger and even cost him his life.

Alex Booth (step-brother):

Face Claim: Jody Latham

The eldest of the Booth siblings, Alex is a highly protective big brother and was worried upon realising his little sister was going to be part of a world none of them had any knowledge about. He tried to make David feel welcome despite the younger boy’s hostility.

When David attempted to run away during his first stay with the Booths, Alex caught him in the act and made a deal, get past him and he wouldn’t tell anyone he’d left. Though David was tenacious, Alex stopped him every time even pointing out the flaws in David’s technique if he tried to physically fight Alex. After David finally gave up, Alex didn’t breathe a word of his run away attempt to anyone. David would take up Alex’s offer to teach him muay thai during his first visit.

Sarah Booth (step-sister):

Face Claim: Emilia Clarke

The middle child of the Booth siblings and also the least welcoming, Sarah was most vocally against Amelia being part of the wizarding world. She treated David coldly at first, going on a grouse hunting trip with her friends the day after he arrived to stay with them for Christmas.

However, at some point, she caught him reading an old copy of a Shooting Times magazine and after some persuasion by Alex, took David clay pigeon shooting. Becoming quite impressed, and even a little endeared from how quickly he picked up shooting.

Amelia Booth (step-sister):

Face Claim: Maisie Williams

A muggleborn witch and the youngest of the Booth siblings, Amelia was surprised to realise she possessed magical abilities. Though was even more shocked to learn Matthew already knew about it.

When she was five years old, she was involved in the car accident that killed her father. Resulting in her being scarred with a gash on the right side of her forehead, a similar one on her left cheek and a larger one that cuts across from shoulder to her chest. Though she repressed the memory, she did indeed see her father die, thus Thestrals are visible to her. Another thing the accident did was give her motorphobia, though can tolerate it as long as she’s A) In control of the vehicle and B) It’s not motorised.

However, she does have a love of cycling, she was taught to do so by her dad before he died. Similarly, gymnastics helped her get some of her confidence back after the accident and still keeps up with it. A love of plants and animals prompts her to excel in Herbology and Potions, then later COMC.

Allegiances

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

Affiliations: The Circle of Khanna, The Wimborne Wasps, The Order of the Phoenix, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Professions: Beater for the Wimborne Wasps (1991-95)

Agent of the Order of the Phoenix (1995 - 98)

Resumes position as beater for the Wasps (1999-2003)

Charms Assistant Teacher (2003 - 05)

Charms Teacher (2005 - present)

Hogwarts Information

Class Proficiencies:

Astronomy: E

Charms: O

DADA: O

Herbology: E

History of Magic: A

Potions: A

Transfiguration: E

Electives:

Care of Magical Creatures: A

Muggle Studies: O

Quidditch:

Hufflepuff Beater (1985 - 91)

Hufflepuff Captain (after Orion graduates) (1989 - 91)

Extra Curricular:

Duelling Club (Becomes known as one of the best duellers in Hogwarts)

Art Club

Football Club (Founder)

Apparition Class (in 1991)

Favourite Professors:

Professor Sprout, his head of house and someone he feels he can go to if he needs advice. One of several people who warned him about being careful with Patricia Rakepick.

Professor Mcgonagall, his Transfiguration teacher and head of Jacob’s house when he was at Hogwarts. Though they disagree entirely on him tackling the vaults, he always pays attention in her lessons as while she’s often stern she can be a great teacher.

Professor Flitwick, as his Charms teacher, David always found Flitwick to be respectable. David especially respects Flitwick for teaching him Expelliarmus, even after he was honest in what he intended to do with it (i.e. use it in a duel against Merula). Also came for Flitwick’s help in developing Cometa.

Least Favourite Professors:

Professor Binns: Finds his droning entirely too boring and really only passed History of Magic thanks to Rowan.

Every other professor he’s either neutral on (Snape and Trelwany) or he likes but aren’t his favourites (Kettleburn).

Best Canon friends:

Rowan Khanna

Diego Caplan

Nymphadora Tonks

Penny Haywood

Chiara Lobosca

(David plus the above five make up the original members of the Hufflesquad)

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Erika Rath

Orion Amari

Badeea Ali

Barnaby Lee

Liz Tuttle

Love interest:

Erika Rath (crush)

Nymphadora Tonks (first kiss)

Liz Tuttle (dated briefly in third year but broke things off fairly amicably when they realised they were developing crushes on other people).

Merula Snyde (began dating in fourth year, later marries David in 1994)

Best MC friends:

Judith Harris (@judediangelo75): The closest of his MC friends, David and Judith first get acquainted by being pushed into friendship... somewhat subtly by Penny Haywood. Both of them catch on when Penny mentions they should try out for the Quidditch team. Both of them still go for it, bonding over a shared love of martial arts and proving they have the potential to be fearsome beaters.

Throughout their time at Hogwarts, David and Judith would demonstrate a fierce loyalty to each other, being as close as siblings. David even becoming godfather to her children, Bakari and Kendrick.

Cato Reese (@catohphm): David was first introduced to Cato by Penny. The two find themselves sharing very similar values, having a great love their friends and absolute ruthlessness towards their enemies.

Like anyone involved in the Quidditch scene at Hogwarts, David has a bit of a rivalry with him. Tending to trash talk him (though with no real weight behind it), Cato understands that David doesn’t mean it.

Katriona Cassiopea (KC) (@kc-needs-coffee): The two of them are sports fanatics, they could talk to each other for hours about Quidditch. While David definitely knows more about footy, he’s eager to learn about any sport, such as baseball which KC is highly knowledgeable about.

KC would be one of the first to jump at the football matches David organises during his time at Hogwarts.

Lizzie Jameson (@lifeofkaze): Like David, Lizzie is an avid fan of LFC. Even meeting up at some point with their respective partners to watch a footy match at Anfield, where Liverpool were playing.

On the quidditch pitch, Lizzie is a chaser and knows she can count on David to keep the bludgers off her back.

If any of your MCs would want to be friends with David, let me know!

Rivals:

Merula Snyde (For most of his time at Hogwarts).

During Quidditch: Erika Rath, Skye Parkin, Andre Egwu, Charlie Weasley, Angelica Cole, Oliver Wood, Cato Reese and Katriona Cassiopea.

Enemies:

R (including Patricia Rakepick, Fenrir Greyback and Peter Pettigrew).

The Snyde family (minus Merula)

Voldemort

Death Eaters

Magical Abilities

1st Wand: Blackthorn, unicorn hair core, ten and a quarter inches, slightly springy and flexible. Snaps it in half shortly just before the end of sixth year, citing, “What kind of warrior can’t even protect his own brother?”

Blackthorn, which is a very unusual wand wood, has the reputation, in my view very well-merited, of being best suited to a warrior.

Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard. Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may ‘die’ and need replacing.

2nd Wand: English Oak, Dragon Heartstring core, twelve and a half inches, unbending.

A wand for the good times and bad, this is a friend as loyal as the wizard who deserves it. Wands of English Oak demand partners of strength, courage and fidelity. Obtained from Garrick Ollivander while being accompanied by Alastor Moody.

As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental.

Animagus form: A ram, specifically of a Dalesbred Sheep. Rams symbolise determination, initiative and leadership, factors that are put to the test more than once during his time at Hogwarts.

Misc magical abilities: Legilimens, Rue informs him of potentially inheriting her legilimens ability between third year and fourth year when he tells her of his delve into the Vault of Fear. David prefers not using it on people, rather using it to see through the eyes of animals as his great grandfather Reuben used to do.

Occlumency: Snape, at Dumbledore’s behest begins teaching David the art of Occlumency in fifth year.

Non-verbal magic: David began learning the non-verbal use of magic in fifth year thanks to professor Flitwick. Becoming highly skilled in it by his seventh year.

Spell creation: Assists in the creation of Stella Cascadia alongside Badeea Ali. Given how dangerous the vaults could be, he begins to work on another spell inspired by Stella Cascadia alongside several of his friends, Cometa, the comet jinx.

Boggart Form: Initially, Jacob as a death eater after hearing about the rumours of him taking Voldemort’s side.

From year four onwards, himself as a dark wizard as he worries about the path the vaults will set him on.

Riddikulus Form: Death eater Jacob’s mask turns into a pie that promptly splats him in the face.

Later, his dark wizard self in the uniform of Everton Football Club with a blue clown nose and wig to match. Since he’s a Liverpool Football Club supporter, seeing himself in one his rival team’s colours as a clown is hilarious to him.

Amortentia (what do they smell like?): A sea breeze and heather.

Amortentia (what do they smell?): Freshly mown grass and clear air after a rainfall.

Patronus: African wild dog, a symbol of his loyalty and relentless pursuit of his goals.

Patronus memory: -Attending the LFC vs Nottingham Forest semi final match of the Football League Cup at Anfield on the 12th February 1980 with his dad and Jacob. They drew 1-1 and LFC didn’t get through to the final but David was still happy to be there with both them.

Mirror of Erised: Jacob being back, alongside all of his friends and family. All of them are safe and well.

Specialised/ favourite spells:

Cometa, a spell that David creates in sixth year with the help of Badeea Ali, Rowan Khanna, Merula Snyde, Diego Caplan and professor Flitwick. Inspired by Stella Cascadia, and using some principles from the Ice Jinx, the spell initially creates cricket ball-sized pieces of ice that explode into a mist when they impact against something. This makes it especially useful for blinding or disorienting a target. Later they develop the more-powerful Cometa Maxima in seventh year. Its main limitations are maintaining eye contact directed at the target (as is the case for all jinxes) and its general range is quite short (about twenty five feet) due to the “comet” (really a mix of ice, dust and gases) disintegrating quite quickly.

Protego Diabolica, A spell taught to him by Felix Rosier in sixth year, nothing says “Get away from my friends!” Like a massive wall of blue flame that incinerates enemies and leaves allies unharmed.

Expelliarmus, the Disarming charm taught to David by Professor Flitwick in first year is one of his go-to spells when duelling.

Protego, learned in order to protect himself from spells and other projectiles.

Healing spells: Largely taught to him by Chiara throughout their time at Hogwarts, healing spells have come in handy more than once when he needs to preserve his own or his friend’s lives.

Expecto Patronum, though niche, a spell that can get rid of a dementor is nothing to scoff at. Plus it’s a sentimental reminder of his friendship with Tonks.

Incendio, good as a fire-starter and a duelling spell, also reminds him of a time when Merula stood up to Rita Skeeter for him by burning her camera.

Misc Information

-David is a huge supporter of Liverpool Football Club (LFC), so much so one of his casuals is a club uniform.

-As well as Needle, David has other creatures on the reserve, Lucky (Knarl), Clop (Porlock), Bonita (fairy), Mori (thestral), and Chen (Chinese fireball).

#harry potter hogwarts mystery #hphm #jacob's sibling #david willows #hphm mc

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jazy3 · 3 years

Text

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X4

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

This week we finally got the answer to the question that was on everyone’s minds: Who’s on the beach?!?!? And the answer was none other than George O’Malley! I was right! Ha! I love it when that happens. Yes George was on the beach and we got to see him have a lovely heart to heart with Meredith about life and death, how things were for her and the others after he died, and what life is like for her now.

I was surprised that the heart to heart meaningful conversation turned out to be between Meredith and George and not Meredith and Derek, but I feel like that is coming later. I think the meaningful conversation with Derek will happen right at the end of Meredith’s beach adventure just before she recovers and comes back to the land of the living.

I like that they addressed why Derek and George look older than they did the last time we saw them by having George say that maybe they look older to Meredith and by virtue the audience because that’s how she likes to think of and picture them. The sand isn’t real, the water isn’t real, and Meredith’s perceptions of them and their physical appearances aren’t real either.

We see Richard and Bailey join Meredith and George on the beach at the end sequence when the real life Richard and Bailey move closer to Meredith’s bedside and talk to her which establishes that the beach is neither here nor there. It’s not the afterlife, but it is. It’s not heaven or hell, but it can be. It’s all happening in Meredith’s head, but it’s not. It’s a dream, but it’s also reality.

I liked the call backs to how Meredith, Alex, Cristina, and Izzie laughed a George’s funeral at the ridiculousness of it all. We also got some introspection from Meredith when George asks if she still dances it out like she used to and she says no and that she hasn’t really since she lost Cristina. George gently reminds her that Cristina isn’t dead like him.

She’s still very much alive she just lives someplace else and that she shouldn’t give up on something she loves that makes her happy because Cristina lives in Zurich, Switzerland instead of Seattle, U.S.A. But we also get some insight here that to Meredith, Cristina moving an ocean away felt like a death and still does. She hasn’t danced it out like that since she left because she’s mourning that loss and to her not being able to see Cristina whenever she wants to is akin to not being able to see people like Derek, George, and Lexie like she used to because they’re gone.

Alex’s departure is different in that way in that once the pandemic is over and travel has opened back up and she’s done being mad at him she can go see Alex and Izzie and the kids whenever she wants. She doesn’t even have to get on a plane if she doesn’t want to. She can drive or take the train. The same holds true for Callie and Arizona. But the loss of people like Cristina, Derek, George, Mark, and Lexie is different because she can’t. Getting to Cristina means enduring at least two separate several hour flights across an ocean and she hates flying.

Seeing all of those other people is impossible because they’re not alive anymore. And she feels that loss everyday whether she’s able to verbalize it or not. I loved Meredith’s ending line about finding your people and holding them close because those are the ones that get you through the tough times. The fact that she made Richard her POA comes full circle in this episode when we see him trying to comfort her and make a decision at her bedside.

Richard is struggling about whether to enroll Meredith in the trial when he realizes she’s trying to say something. He gets closer and tells her he’s here for her only to realize she’s mumbling in her sleep and talking to George. Because Richard has seen Meredith and the others through it all he knows exactly who George is. He knows what the significance of that is and he realizes that she’s not trying to speak to him or get better. She’s talking to her friend George on the other side. She’s dying and if he doesn't do something soon she’ll join him. This realization causes him to decide to enroll Meredith in the trial.

I like that we also got an update on George’s Mom who we last saw in Season 8 talking to Callie about her marriage to Arizona and the birth of her daughter Sofia. George tells Meredith that grief is different for everyone and that his mother carries hers and that makes him sad and that sometimes he tries to shake it out of her and try to let her know that he’s still there and he’s still him even though she can’t see him anymore.

I loved how Meredith commented that he’s basically haunting her and George replied, “Well sure if you want to call it that.” The gentle teasing nature they had between them as friends was one of the things I loved most about their relationship and it was nice to see that here. I also liked their conversation about choices. Meredith asks if it’s her choice whether she stays or goes, and George says that it depends. Some people get to choose, and some don’t. He would have stayed if he could, but she appears to have a choice. On the one hand she’s worried about the kids and how losing her and becoming orphans will affect them.

On the other hand, she’s tired and has been through a lot and all the people she loves are on that beach. So, it’s a tough call for her to make. When they were sitting there on that beach and George turned to Meredith and said, “If you stay here you might break him,” and they turned to reveal Richard sitting next to her? Ugh that got me! Also watching Meredith shake convulsively from COVID while unconscious and talking to her dead friend was unnerving and a little scary especially since this is a real disease that is hurting real people. My heart breaks for anyone going through this in real life.

I also loved their exchange about the kids. Where he tells them how great they are and she says he never got to meet them and he tells her that he checks in on her and them from time to time. I also love that his comment establishes that all of the other people Meredith has lost are able to check in on her and the kids and that the other people that other characters have lost can do the same. It’s a nice image and something I think all of us in the real world like to imagine and believe when we lose a loved one. That they’re watching over us.

I loved how in Meredith’s Voice Over this episode she says that Medical schools often ask applicants for an essay describing a time they faced adversity and how they overcame it because they want to know how people will cope with the challenges they'll face as a doctor. And that some students worry they have nothing to write about because they haven't faced difficulty. She didn't have that problem. LOL!

Meredith is the main character, the lead star, and the anchor of the series and they introduced this plot in the premiere this season which mostly likely means that she won’t die or be sidelined by this permanently. And since the show is reflecting a real world disease and pandemic that means that if Meredith lives one of the other characters or someone else close to them will be dying from it most likely. Sadly, it looks like that might be Tom after this episode.

Tom’s got some funny dialogue when he tries to interrupt the staff meeting Richard is holding about COVID by tablet and with Helm when she comes by to drop off his COVID test. I liked how Jackson just walked over and knocked over the tablet to shut him up and everyone just laughed and carried on. His scenes with Helm were pretty funny too. The Zombie appearing on screen scared me though!

In the end we see that Teddy finally comes to talk to him and bring him soup after Helm tells her how bad he’s doing and how much he needs a friend as she desperately tries to save Meredith. When Tom didn’t answer the door or make a sound my first thought was that he had collapsed, but no it’s worse than that because as Teddy turns to leave the camera pans over and we see Tom cold and shaking in a blanket on the other side of the door unable to respond.

Which means his condition has worsened and he’s in pain, but he can’t communicate that to Teddy because he’s too weak to speak or he can’t make his voice loud enough to be heard over the pouring rain. Man that was some downpour! I wonder if it was fake rain that they created or if it rained that heavily the day they filmed that scene. Good to see Tom finally bought a house though! Seeing as last we saw he was living out of a hotel and then got Teddy a beautiful apartment only to find out at the last minute that she had gotten back together with Owen so he went back to living in a hotel again. Glad to see he got some digs.

I’ll be sad if they write Tom off as a character as I’ve really come to like him and he’s interesting and complex. Plus, I love seeing someone call Owen on his crap with such humour! We also got some good social commentary on how health practitioners often base treatment protocols and assessments on the standards of care and presentation developed for white patients, but that because diseases present differently in people of different races and genders that needs to be accounted for.

Especially because your race, gender, and where you grew up affects your predisposition for certain illnesses and can affect the presentation. Owen failed to catch something serious with his patient when they were initially brought in because he was using the standard developed for white patients which is different from the standard for Asian patients.

One of the new interns who is Asian brings this up to Nico who eventually says something to Owen who brings it up to Bailey who calls him on his privilege and reminds him that he needs to not only check himself, but because he is white and is the head of Trauma for the hospital it is his responsibility to update and improve protocols to make sure that every patient is getting the best care possible.

As Bailey says true equality means taking into account that we are all different. And when it comes to medicine conditions present themselves in different ways based on race and other factors. Giving everyone the exact same care based on a standard of care developed by and for white people is not equality because it means that people of colour like his patient receive a lower standard of care which can lead to unnecessary suffering and death.

True equality means providing equitable care that takes into account who a patient is physically when treating them. As Bailey says equitable care is not the same as equal care. One takes into account the reality and ensures true equal treatment while the other gives the appearance of equality while disadvantaging anyone who’s not a white straight cisgender man. While I like that they addressed that Nico was a complete jerk to everyone this episode.

He acted like the whole thing was no big deal when the intern brought it up and brushed off her comments about Anti-Asian racism from earlier in the episode that we’re totally valid. The intern was looking for some solidarity and for someone above her to back her up on some real issues. Instead Nico blew her off and talked down to her only to bring the issue up himself to Owen in the exact way he told her not to. Nico’s a good surgeon and he was right to say something, but he is a horrible human being, teacher, and boyfriend.

He continues to treat Levi horribly for no reason and as Jo says Levi deserves better. I liked Jo and Levi’s interactions this episode. They were funny and I love them! Also did anyone else think it was weird that Jo and Levi were having a conversation about how horrible Nico is as a person and how horribly he treats Levi when Nico was literally a metre or two in front of them and could hear everything they were saying? Nico’s an ass and apparently, he doesn't care that he’s an ass and that everyone thinks that of him.

I’m actually liking the whole Jo and Jackson friends with benefits situation. So far, its made for some good comic relief! I like too that we finally saw Jackson admit that he’s jumped from one relationship to another way too fast for his whole run on the show and that he needs to take some time and get some therapy and figure out what he wants. I love that Jo was immediately on the same page and laughed at the idea of them having a relationship right now. She needs a sex buddy, not a partner. He’s got work to do on himself and as she says she feels broken and is still trying to heal from the trauma she has experienced.

I also liked the scenes with Amelia and Link. I like that Amelia was able to express herself and her frustrations and that Link made the decision to support her. My best friend that I watch with made comment that she felt like under the same circumstances Owen would have just stormed back into the house whereas Link angrily moved some toys aside so that he could sit next to Amelia while she felt all her feelings and talked about them because that’s what she needed to do.

I also liked that when Amelia tried to push Link to talk later on he opened up about his process and was straight with her. Talking about all of her feelings out loud and in the open because if she bottles them up, she’ll wind up relapsing is her thing. Link’s thing is to focus on the positive and play his guitar. As Link says he’s happy to support her on her thing, but if she wants their relationship to work she has to support him on his thing. And she does.

My favourite line this episode? “What are you playing?” “It’s a song called ‘If The Virus Doesn’t End Us, Then Climate Change Probably Will.’” Too funny! And accurate! We also learn that Amelia loves to garden and is apparently quite good at it and they appear to have a herb and vegetable garden at Meredith’s house. We get some awkward dinner interaction courtesy of Maggie and Winston’s relationship this episode when he invites her to a virtual Birthday dinner for his beloved Grandmother which is then crashed by his estranged father.

His Grandmother invited him and within five seconds of being on the call he insults Winston and says that the idea that his son who is a Cardiothoracic Surgeon at Tufts is a genius is laughable because apparently he failed sixth grade. This man is an asshole and I can see why Winston hates him. That being said Winston exiting the call and leaving Maggie hanging there with his Grandmother, father, and some other relatives that she’s never met was not okay.

It was extremely rude. He should have told Maggie he had to go before signing off or said that they should both leave the call. Maggie is a class act for staying on that call and asking his upset Grandmother if there was cake. Side note: I did love Maggie and Winston’s conversation about what pencil nerds they both are! This is a match made in heaven so whatever issues they do have they’ll work through them because this is clearly meant to be.

My only real complaint about this episode was the absence of one Cormac Hayes. As my best friend said after we finished watching, “Did you notice who wasn’t in this episode? McWidow. Where the hell was McWidow?” I concur with this sentiment 100%. Hayes makes everything better and I’m sad when he’s not there. I get that Meredith was on the beach with George this episode and that was the focus on her storyline, but it would have been nice to see Hayes stand outside her window or sit next to her or talk to Jo about her condition.

That’s the other thing. Season 16 established that Jo and Hayes are friends and that she’s rooting for him and Meredith to be together and live happily ever after. So I’m surprised that they haven’t had a scene yet this season. We��ve seen Jo interact with Link who she’s close friends with and Levi who’s her roommate, but not Hayes. I’m hoping we’ll get that next episode. So far the majority of Hayes’ scenes have been with Meredith, followed by Jo, followed by Bailey.

If Hayes can’t interact with Meredith like he normally would because she’s unconscious I want to see him interact with Jo, Bailey, Maggie, and Richard more. The fact that we’re seeing intimate scenes with Jo and Jackson gives me hope that we’ll get to see those kinds of scenes for Meredith and Hayes. Although it’s entirely possible that those scenes were filmed last season before the pandemic hit so maybe not.

I also like that we got some important timeline information this episode. Jo mentions murder hornets (remember those?) which puts this episode at the beginning of May. She also says that her and Alex divorced the same year they got married which means that Seasons 14 and 15 span the same year. Which makes sense given the other information that we have and means that the relationship we saw in Season 15 only lasted a matter of months.

Which is good news in the sense that nobody really liked any of the ships from that season apart from Tom and Teddy and Amelia and Link and this establishes that all of those relationships were short lived and occurred over a matter of months, not a full year or more. Based on what I caught of next week’s promo it looks like Meredith’s condition is improving (!) while Tom’s condition is deteriorating, and Bailey’s Mom is in bad shape and is being admitted! COVID is no joke! Buckle up everyone!

Until next time!

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capricornus-rex · 3 years

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A Shadow of What You Used to Be (6)

Chapter 6: No, There Is Another | Cal Kestis x Irele Skywalker

Summary: There is another! Years after young Anakin Skywalker departed Tatooine, his mother Shmi delivers a second child—this time, a daughter. Whilst the circumstance of the girl’s birth remains unexplained, Irele Skywalker has yet to choose the true path between those laid out for her.

A/N: Sorry it took so long, you guys! ;;w;; What with the holidays and me managing what to order for my 24th birthday today (It’s the 27th where I live so we’re celebrating in a quite chill way heheh), so this is my birthday treat to you! A new chapter! 💖💖

Tags: Fem! OC, Irele Skywalker, Force-sensitive! OC, Anakin’s Younger Sister, Skywalker! OC, Darth Vader’s Secret Apprentice, Long-lost Sibling

Requesting to be tagged: @heavenly1927

Also in AO3

Chapters: Prelude – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 | Previous: Part 5 | Next: Part 7 | Masterlist

7 of ?

19 BBY

Irele, her stepbrother Owen, and his now-wife Beru Lars live together in the same roof. After their father had died of natural causes, they placed him next to the grave of Shmi, as they deem it appropriate; they have taken full control of the homestead, though their ways didn’t change that much.

Now thirteen years old, Irele Skywalker had grown into the spitting image of Shmi Skywallker albeit younger. Medium length hair always secured as a ponytail with thin braids woven along the tail, warm and earthy-colored eyes, and a somber yet friendly smile.

The teenager had grown into an adventurous young spirit. Perhaps, if one is to see Shmi as a girl, she would have been the exact same as her daughter. Gaining friends in Anchorhead and even as far as Mos Eisley, though she had learned to steer clear of the latter town unless the need truly arises. Taking odd jobs in either of the towns, her hustler’s nature remained intact, she did not want to depend heavily on her brother and sister-in-law for monetary support—albeit Owen strongly disagrees, but to not avail.

“You’ve been out more often than staying at home!” chided Owen, who was now perhaps in his early thirties.

“Well, I do need to work, don’t I, big brother?” she tapped his bulky arm as she strolled into the house.

She had just returned from her work in the shop that’s a hybrid of a speeder vendor and a servicing center. Whether she realizes it or not, she always finds herself tinkering with something, fixing them… like her real brother’s pastime as a child.

Irele had taken home a piece of a machine to her house, a personal project of sorts, completely unrelated to her work. She settled herself on the small worktable in her bedroom and immediately casts her lamp’s light on the working space. A metal rod put together with various, mismatching shafts and components held together by screws and sewn leather wrappings; it’s even a miracle that it worked, one way or another, it would serve better as a melee weapon than that of a Magnaguard’s electro-staff. Perhaps this staff is one of the many testaments of Irele’s skillfulness and resourcefulness, for growing up as a hustler and being exposed to machinery at an early age.

As she grew, she always donned a woven scarf made by Shmi. It has been a few years or so, and the heartache is very much fresh; every time she catches a glimpse of her headstone, with Cliegg’s next to it, the healing wound is ripped open once again—though she found comfort in confiding and speaking to both of them as if they were still alive, sitting with her and listening.

“Oh, circuitry should be here. Mom would have pointed that out too.” she mumbled to herself as she fiddled the wires with the sharp end of a thin screwdriver.

Come the hour of sunset, Irele had finished her chores after her handicraft. In the middle of her working, she felt a presence—it was sage and calming—she also heard the grunting of a single eopie. Curious, she and Beru went to the door. She was right about the eopie, carrying a single rider who held the reins with only one hand and is carrying something with the other. Irele thought the hooded rider to be her brother, as she remembered his own cloak, but the cowl revealed a slightly older man—his jaw was covered with a full, sandy-brown beard, his eyes were kind and yet she hinted the sadness in them, as if tragedy had befell him shortly before coming here.

It was Obi-Wan.

When the stranger coaxed the animal to kneel, he carefully hopped down, and supported his precious cargo with his free arm. He approaches the older girl and she willingly takes what he gave. The wide sleeve of his robe gave way to show an infant boy, perhaps a few weeks old. Beru and Irele’s eyes lit up, they spoke nothing to the stranger but they bid him with a short, polite bow.

Obi-Wan noticed the second girl, her olive skin and brown eyes gave him a memory of Anakin—the reminder sharply jabbed him into the recesses of his mind. The angry voices, the echoes of the sputtering lava, and the sorrowful howling of Anakin drummed behind his ears.

“Are you alright, sir?” Irele noticed.

“Oh, dear. I am fine, thank you,” he cleared his throat and tucked his arms inside his sleeves. “I am just not used to travel here in this place… but I will be.”

“I see.”

“My dear, may I know your name?”

“It is Irele…”

“Irele…?”

“Irele Skywalker-Lars.”

Obi-Wan slowly angled his head upwards, concealing his surprise as her name sinks into him.

Another Skywalker?

“Well, Irele,” he cleared his throat again. “May I ask a favor from you?”

“I’ll do my best to fulfill it.”

“I’m sure you can,” Obi-Wan’s gaze went to Beru carrying the baby who joined her husband, Owen, looking at the binary sunset. “Take care of him.”

“I don’t mean to sound uptight but… Who is he to me?”

“He’s your family. Your nephew. His name is Luke.”

Irele was a smart girl. She knew whose son the infant would have belonged to. A part of her wanted to ask where the father is—her brother—but perhaps it was for the best that she does not obligate the stranger to indulge her questions.

“Then I’ll do everything in my power to keep him safe.”

“I know, Irele,” Kenobi smiled, although a little sadly. “I know.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but I don’t know your name.”

“Ben… Ben Kenobi.”

Kenobi did not stay long in the premises of the homestead. He bowed to Irele, who returned the gesture, and returned to his steed. The eopie grunted as Kenobi hauled the reins to the right side, then spurred the tall quadruped to the distance, clouds of sand puffing under its hooves until the figure disappears as the twin suns set.

When Kenobi was gone from her sight, she turned to her brother and sister-in-law, along with their nephew—whom Owen would have probably called his son, given the chance. Irele was excited. She was already thinking of the things she and Luke would do—what games they’d play, what machines she’d teach him to fix, what kind of speeders could they hop on together.

He was the brother she never had.

From a certain point of view, it’s a wrong that she could right, while fulfilling her promise to Kenobi.

After Beru nursed the infant, she laid him down on their bed, Irele never left Luke’s side. She chuckled every time he would squirm, coo, and smile at her. Her heart fluttered and she fell in love with him. When Beru left the two children alone, Irele tasked herself to watch over him.

She moved her finger to his tiny hand and with his tiny, soft fingers he clasped her thumb with a grip as light as a feather. Irele’s heart melted once more.

And then she whispered as she kissed the tiniest hand that held hers, “I’ll keep you safe, Luke. I’ll always protect you.”

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bereaving · 3 years

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Haha so it is! 😂👌 but I have to say only the young version of him or like the "Bly version" of Owen cause later when he has his own restaurant and Jamie and Dani visit him, and the scene right at the beginning when he was holding his speech, he seemed kinda rude idk 😶

Definitely would be so much worth when he'd play the gardener like so many things wouldn't make any sense at all. And I mean then Jamie would take his role? Or she wouldn't be there at all? That would be such a nightmare 😅 so I'm glad they changed that and brought us this wonderful female gardener 💚

And so true, if he would be Dani's love interest it wouldn't have such an personal impact to me, too.

Yeah after the thing Rebecca said, I was expecting something to happen but like it was a creepy moment for sure. I had a heart attack but then I realized it's just Peter getting chocked so all good 😂

Watching it the first time I was feeling down for so long 😪 and even now, same here, I cry every time I see the end or just a bit of it...and same, the ending song, I Shall Believe, is so sad just by listening to it, my whole body aches. It's a terrible feeling. And I'm sure that no other show will ever have such a traumatic impact on me

Definitely! We don't really have anything else than just our hope, that keeps us up. If we'd also lost this, man, we would be down for sure.

Omg me too! I have expected so much more to come from him as an actor. Like he was great in Orphan Black but there...idk not really hit it for me

But just like his overall character was kinda weird for me and he acted pretty selfish most of the time so yeah not really a fan of him

From all I've seen, she's super crazy 😂 but I'm not invested in the story just looking at her scenes tbh

Haha yeah definitely would do that too (without the murder) 😂 I mean, seeing Victoria as a real person without any role to play, she seems like such a pure, kind and sympathic person, I can literally picture doing everything with her like for real ❤

Also love the fact that you're going to be a chef 👌 that's pretty cool 😇

Older Owen was one of the very few times that I feel the casting got it wrong. Or maybe that’s more to do with the actor and his delivery, I’m not that entirely sure. Cause when he first spoke, I get that the idea is to come off as this... Dad Vibe Dude, but my general impression was very much “who the hell is this dude and why is he like this?” And an addendum that if he’s actively encouraging Flora and her hubbub to be to “do drugs on a beach in Bali”... IDK which version of Bali he went to.

A Bly without Amelia as Jamie is at this point very very unimaginable. I’m really so glad that they went in the direction that they did. There was a point in Collider Ladies Night with Victoria, where the interviewer said something similar about OJC and Amelia, and Victoria agreed, too. I’m happy that the cast and crew are happy with the result tbh; at least from the snippets of quips I’ve seen around, anyway.

The thing with that song is how soft the lyric is. I remember when I first heard it, it was... god, about 20 years ago when I was in Middle School. It was on a random MP3 CD we used to buy as a way of “discovering” songs. My shock when it was playing in the final episode... lol. Instant throwback to the youthful days of yore + crying. There’s something to be said in that scene, too. How everyone stood close to other people (Owen next to Miles, Flora dancing with Henry), and then. There’s Jamie. Standing there with a glass of champagne, and no one else, and just... watching.

On to Steven: you hit the nail on the head. I can see him in his physicality of embodying that Crain trait, but whatever it was that he was trying to do, it wasn’t really working for me and the whole thing just felt like it landed in the middle of nowhere. I can’t relate to him, I can’t build any kind of connection with him whatsoever. Even his reaction when he first saw Nell’s corpse for the first time in the funeral home felt really off, and then when he spat out to Hugh that “the wrong parent died”, I’m like... 😶“OK.” Teenager Steven I was ok with, but the adult one... Every time he’s on screen, I was nonplussed.

And thanks for the kind words! I’ve wanted to study culinary arts for so long, but only had the chance to get everything together at the beginning of the year. So I’m excited to really get it going and not having to depend on theory classes being delivered online and being stuck literally thousands of miles away from where my campus is.

#ask #anonymous #thobm asks

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loopy777 · 4 years

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if you were tasked to rewrite all of anakin skywalkers backstory up until the clone wars started, how would you do it?

Well, I suppose it depends on my goals.

If I want to just make it align more with the Classic Trilogy, then we have a few parameters to go by. Before it’s revealed that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, it’s implied that Anakin was a contemporary of Obi-Wan’s in some way, perhaps both growing up on Tatooine; Vader was said to be a student of Obi-Wan’s, but not Anakin. And, moreover, Obi-Wan implies that Luke’s Uncle Owen knows Obi-Wan and spoke out against Anakin going off to save the galaxy with him. The Vader revelation retcons this, so that now Obi-Wan ‘discovered” Anakin and took him on as a student, creating a necessary age gap. It was cut from the final version of the movie, but Return Of The Jedi originally had Owen being Obi-Wan’s brother, who agreed to hide and raise Luke. This makes Obi-Wan either a liar for depicting Owen as disapproving of Anakin going off with Obi-Wan, or else Anakin was a friend of the family in some way and Obi-Wan the black sheep.

However, none of this says much about Anakin’s character. George Lucas had definite goals in crafting Anakin’s new backstory. Instead of creating a hero in the mold of Luke who was eventually overcome by a lust for power, the Anakin of the prequels is a perpetually disenfranchised figure whose needs are denied or ignored by the supposed good guys. It sets Anakin up on a fatalistic journey to villainy that some don’t like, but it also highlights the flaws of both the Republic and the Jedi in a way that results in the creation of the monster who destroys them, which is nicely poetic. So while the Anakin of the prequels doesn’t really align with everything implied by the Classic Trilogy, there’s something compelling in the character that goes beyond simple archetypes.

So I think I’d try to find a compromise- something that aligns with as many (canon) hints from the Classic Trilogy as we can, but still keeps the interesting bits of the Prequels.

First of all, I’d want to start the prequel trilogy with the start of the Clone Wars. So instead of some tax-based blockade plot, The Phantom Menace has the Jedi dealing with the aftermath of the blitz of the Separatists. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are doing something that involves protecting Padme and getting her to Coruscant, and it still lands them on Tatooine, and they still encounter Anakin. However, Anakin is Padme’s age. He’s still a slave in this version, but he has a brother, Owen, along with his mother. (There is no mention of a father in the story. Whether one exists or not isn’t addressed.) He bonds with Padme and Obi-Wan, and they wind up becoming an adventure trio; Obi-Wan is the older Mom Friend, Padme and Anakin are the troublemakers who wind up saving the day with their chaos. Over the course of the Tatooine adventure, Anakin and family are freed, but he chooses to go offworld to help Padme and the Jedi complete their mission. He promises his brother Owen that he’ll return once the matter is resolved. Owen is skeptical, but takes their mother to find a new life out of slavery.

Obi-Wan brings Anakin to Qui-Gon’s attention, thinking that he should be trained as a Jedi, especially with so many Jedi having recently died in the Separatist Blitz. Qui-Gon is convinced but opts to take Anakin as his own apprentice. Obi-Wan had wanted to be the one to train Anakin, thanks to their previous effective partnership, but relents. By the end of the movie, though, Qui-Gon ends up dead, and Obi-Wan goes ahead and steps forward to train Anakin. Anakin has seen the scope of the Clone Wars at this point and how much the galaxy is suffering, and is inspired by Padme to a life of service. He’s given the offer to join the Jedi, but he learns that he’ll never be able to fall in love or have a family, that Jedi forsake attachments. He’s torn, especially since it means being parted from Padme and never going back to his family, but eventually decides to go for it.

The second movie takes place several years into the war. Anakin has been trained, and despite his super-late start, he’s one of the best Jedi warriors around. He’s powerful and charismatic and clever, a true Hero. This movie shows the friendship between Anakin and Obi-Wan, and also has the reunion between Anakin and Padme. We get another adventure with the three of them being a battle trio. During the adventure, Anakin gets a vision of his mother dying. The trio detour to Tatooine, meet up again with Owen, find out about his mother’s kidnapping, etc. Owen blames Anakin for not being there for them. The adventure trio goes to rescue Shmi, but she dies when they find her. At this point, Anakin purposefully flubs the stealth rescue mission so that the Tusken Raiders attack and he has an excuse to do battle and kill. There’s no slaughter of women and children here, but Obi-Wan picks up on the fact that Anakin brought the fight about in order to get violent revenge. He doesn’t confront Anakin about it, but at a later point they meet up with some big-time Jedi, and the Masters detect the taint of the darkness on Anakin and give him some kind of punishment that he resents. Padme is never aware of what Anakin did, and at the end of the movie, she and Anakin have a secret marriage.

The Clone Wars cartoon can happen here, without much change in tone.

The third movie is the end of the Clone Wars and the rise of the Empire. Anakin is a great hero amongst the newer Jedi, but the classic Jedi see him as too violent and reckless. Obi-Wan is stuck in the middle, seeing the good in Anakin but also the danger. Palpatine plays off the two Jedi factions against each other, making them each think that the other faction has come under the thrall of the Sith. As the Clone Wars wind down, the Jedi wind up in conflict, and Anakin has a vision (like his mother) of Padme being struck down by a lightsaber. Palpatine seduces Anakin to the dark side by convincing him to start taking down the old-school Jedi in secret. Palpatine uses this to help sell the idea of unstable Jedi, a Jedi takeover of the government, etc, and issues Order 66. Obi-Wan and Yoda survive. Anakin sees what happens, realizes how he’s been tricked, and confronts Palpatine. Palpatine defeats Anakin, but offers him both mercy and a chance to save Padme. This should replicate a lot of the dynamics of Revenge Of The Sith, but not as rushed.

Palpatine reveals that Obi-Wan and Yoda are both out there, and that prophecy cannot be averted, but that with the power of Plagueis, he can save Padme, etc. Stuff happens, Anakin and Padme and Obi-Wan wind up on Mustafar together. There’s a confrontation, Padme sees how dark Anakin has gone, and flees him. In anger, he strikes at Padme with his lightsaber. Obi-Wan defends her, they fight, Anakin gets burned, yadda yadda. Obi-Wan leaves with Padme. Palpatine arrives to save Anakin, both of them thinking that Padme is dead. Padme cannot fully recover from the lightsaber blow, but she manages to deliver her secret twin children. She cannot raise them. She gives Leia to her friend Bail Organa, and Luke to Obi-Wan, to raise in safety. Padme herself knows that her health is limited, that she won’t survive for more than a few years even with advanced medical care, so she goes with Bail Organa to at least help raise her daughter while she can.

I’m not sure I’m fully satisfied with this whole thing, but those are the basic ideas I bat around whenever I consider my ideal version of the prequels.

#thekingofwinterblog

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atamascolily · 6 years

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A Natural History of Tatooine, part 13/?

In which Luke ponders his reflection, lamentable world-building choices are lampshaded, and Tor has an opportunity to use her permits.

(Previous installments)

Back in the 'fresher after their sparring, Luke surveyed his face in the mirror, unsettled by what he saw there. He'd always felt older than he looked after his ordeal on Cloud City, but his week on the Eye of Palpatine had aged him more than he liked to admit. The bruises had vanished after a few weeks, the medical droids had removed the shrapnel edges, and Cilghal had thoughtfully erased the scars, but there were lines and subtle wrinkles around the edges of his face that hadn't been there before. And every pain and grief he had experienced in the last decade was present in his eyes; whether he was aware of it or not in the moment, he carried those experiences with him.

When nine hundred years you reach, look this good you will not! Yoda had chided Luke on his deathbed. Studying his reflection now, Luke had to agree his old teacher had had a point.

Since Callista left--just before the start of the practice period--he'd been too wrapped in a dull stupor to bother with shaving. Over those weeks, he hadn't managed to grow anything more than a few inches of ragged stubble across his jawbone. The grizzled hermit beard had suited Ben Kenobi well enough, but didn't suit Luke at all. He made a face and shaved, careful not to cut himself in the process.

With the beard gone, he looked and felt more like his old self, the happy-go-lucky kid who had traipsed off with Obi-wan to the stars, eager for adventure. It wasn't enough to completely restore him, but it was a start.

What had Tor said to him last night? Something about how the vast emptiness of interstellar space was less terrifying than the empty places inside his own mind and heart. Yes, that sounded about right. Right now, Luke found drifting in space to be infinitely preferable to examining the past--except that his thoughts always circled back to the worst moments, round and round in an endless slurry of guilt and self-blame.

He'd been through so much pain and suffering in his life thus far. So many battles, so many enemies, so many losses, so many failures: Owen and Beru slaughtered, his right hand hacked off at the wrist, nearly falling to the Dark Side goaded by Emperor Palpatine's taunts. He'd lost his father, only to regain him moments before he died, too late to truly know him. There was Dev Sibwarra's death at the hands of the Ssi-ruuvi, and that disaster at Mindor, where he'd been forced to kill to save his own life and the lives of billions.

As a teacher, he had not fared much better. He'd almost lost Kyp to the dark side, and three of his Jedi students were now dead. He thought he'd lost Callista, only to have her miraculously reborn in Cray's body--only to lose her again. And now Mara was gone, too--

This must have been how Ben felt when he went into exile, Luke thought. Everyone he knew gone, slaughtered by his own student. How his failures must have eaten at him, every day, alone in the desert. How comforting the desert must have been for him in those dark early days when the Empire was rising.

The desert was a good place to go when you were empty.

Luke had grown up listening to the desert: the howling sandstorms that lasted for days, the dull swish of the dune sand shifting under his feet, the clatter of pebbles falling from the canyon edges into the depths below. Inevitably, the sounds always faded, revealing the implacable silence underneath, the silence that had endured forever and would outlast time. In the stillness, his thoughts rang loud and clear, echoed by the silent voice of the desert that proclaimed his emptiness.

In adolescence, he had rebelled against that desolate, unbearable feeling of isolation. He'd always strived to be someone, someone grand and important, accomplishing great things. He'd stood on the edge of the desert, watching the sunset, his heart aching, swearing he would make something with his life, move beyond the empty wasteland that had dominated his life thus far.

He had succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. He'd saved the galaxy several times over, played a pivotal role in the defeat of the Empire, gained the power to manipulate minds and matter beyond the ken of ordinary folk. Yet--here he was, lonely and defeated, grappling again with the weight of his own failures. Empty.

And he wasn't alone. Tor was here with him. She might be annoying as hell, but at least she wouldn't abandon him. And she wasn't afraid of emptiness. It was a fundamental tenet of her sect, after all.

"Form does not differ from emptiness," she'd said. "Emptiness does not differ from form. Feelings, perceptions, formations are also like this. Vast emptiness--nothing holy, and yet everything holy."

For Tor, form and emptiness were simultaneously the same thing and complete opposites. It was a paradox Luke didn't understand--one that Tor insisted couldn't be understood by reason, it could only be experienced as a fundamental paradox of reality.

"Do or do not. There is no try," Yoda had insisted. Luke had taken it to mean that he should plunge himself wholeheartedly into the task at hand, holding nothing back. But Yoda had always been subtle, and it was increasingly clear that the "do not" was just as important to the old Jedi master as any concrete action--perhaps even more so.

Maybe it's time to make peace with the desert, he thought. Maybe it's time to accept the emptiness--inside and outside--instead of fighting it.

Funny. He thought he'd learned that lesson before, with his father, with his sister, with his students, over and over again. Yet here he was, right back at it again. Round and round I go, over and over again, until the lesson sinks in, one that might take me my whole life to learn.

And yet--and yet--if there was one thing Luke had learned from his father Anakin Skywalker, it was that it was never too late to let go of hate, fear, and aggression, and embrace love and acceptance.

It wouldn't be easy. If it were easy, he would have already done it. And yet--

He would go back to the desert, and he would see what it had to offer him now. He would listen to the silence, and let himself be empty. And perhaps, out of that vast space, a new direction would emerge.

***

"Ah, good," said Tor, upon his entrance to the conservatory a few minutes later. "I meant to warn you about the starving jenka cat attacking your face, but you seem to have dealt with it very handily. My congratulations."

Luke brushed aside a plume of purple orchids and sat down by the holo-table. "I take it I meet with your approval now."

"Well, if 'cult leader of questionable mental stability' was the look you were aiming for earlier, you nailed it," Tor said as she spritzed a series of green tufts with no discernable roots that were dangling from hooks in the ceiling. "I much prefer this version of Luke Skywalker, myself."

"Duly noted," Luke said dryly. "How do those plants survive floating in mid-air like that?"

"These are Miraki air-plants," Tor said. "As the name suggests, they take water and moisture through their leaves - sort of like mini vaporators, except they horde the water for themselves," Tor said. "In the wild, they form dense colonies on top of anything that will sit still for long enough--including some of the dumber herbivores--but I've had trouble adapting them to the altered humidity levels aboard ship. Their growth is tied in to the direction of the local magnetic fields, and they express their resentment of the fluctuating levels here by developing brown rot and expiring."

"That's--very strange."

Tor shrugged. "As you may have noticed, the galaxy is a strange place. Most people find that troubling, so they do their best not to look too hard. But you'll find oddities like these air-plants anywhere you go."

"Not on Tatooine," Luke said firmly.

"On the contrary. The Galactic Field Guide to the Outer Rim Territories, Volume Six claims that there are no plants on Tatooine at all. If that's true, what do wild banthas eat?"

Luke frowned. "I guess that depends on what you mean by 'plant'. There are certainly some plant-like things out there in the dunes and canyons, and plenty of desert lichen and salt-flat algae in shadier spots. I always assumed that banthas ate them."

"A reasonable assumption," Tor agreed. "But banthas are big--several hundred pounds at a minimum. How much lichen would a single bantha have to consume each day just to stay alive? Is that really sustainable?"

He saw where she was going with this. "So how do they do it, then?"

Tor shrugged. "Like I said, the galaxy is a strange place. We know they must do it somehow, because wild bantha populations exist, but we have no idea how. That's where people like me come in. We poke around, ask annoying, inconvenient questions, and, if we're lucky, eventually emerge with an explanation ranging from the plausible and obvious to the incredibly bizarre."

"I thought we were looking for non-existent trees, not banthas."

"We are. I'm just using the banthas to prove my point. Every place that supports life is full of these odd, impossible contradictions. Once you start to notice them, they're everywhere. It's one of the things that makes my job so fun."

"And the others?"

"Well, I get to travel to interesting places and meet interesting people. And you never know what's going to happen next--"

"Sounds like being a Jedi then,"

"There is some overlap," Tor agreed. "It's one reason why we get along so well, don't you think?"

"And here I thought it was my personality--"

Luke was cut off by the high-pitched whine of the alarm, informing them that they would be dropping out of hyperspace shortly. Both of them were on their feet and heading for the cockpit, just in time to see the starlines shrink down to single points of light, and the great brown sphere of the planet out of the central viewports.

"Do you want me to land at the spaceport in Mos Eisley?" Luke asked, as he strapped himself into the pilot's chair without asking Tor for permission.

"Do I look like an idiot?" Tor said, sliding herself into the co-pilot's chair beside him. If Luke's usurpation of her rightful place bothered her, she didn't comment.

"...No."

"Take us in closer and I'll put in the coordinates of where I'm aiming for," Tor said. "This is going to be fun."

***

Halfway through their descent into the atmosphere, the comm crackled. "Unidentified ship, please state your name and business," a grim voice declared in heavily accented but intelligible Basic.

"False IDs are right there," Tor whispered, pointing to a dial on Luke's right. She turned to the comm. "This is the Chvantha Maru, on a routine survey mission for the Independent Academic Explorer's Corps."

"Negative," said the controller. "Alter your present course to land at Mos Eisley spaceport and communicate with proper authorities."

"I don't think you understand," Tor said. "We have no business in Mos Eisley. We're here for aerial surveys and will land only in the event of an emergency. Besides, we have permits."

"All permits must be submitted through the proper channels," said the controller, with obvious skepticism. "No such permits have been received."

"Right here," Tor whispered to Luke with a grin. "I got them all ready right here."

Luke raised an eyebrow, but transmitted the permits. They kept descending.

"Chvantha Maru if that's really your name," sputtered the comm a few minutes later. "Permits denied. Alter your course to Mos Eisley spaceport or be destroyed."

"How rude!" Tor remarked under her breath. "I thought you said nobody cared if we landed on this dustball?"

"Well-- things must have changed," Luke said. "Last time I was here, we came in at night behind the moons to avoid stirring up any Imperial or Hutt presence. If anyone saw us, they assumed we were smugglers and left us alone."

"Did you not read the permits I sent you?" Tor said into the microphone. "What part of 'Don't even bother trying to stop me' did you not understand? Did I use the wrong verb?"

"You still want to bribe them?" Luke asked under his breath.

Tor snorted. "I'll save my credits, thank you very much. These guys are all talk--"

"Chvantha Maru, this is your last chance. Alter your course, or be destroyed--"

"Oh, I don't know about that," Luke said, pointed to the dashboard, where at least five fighters were barreling towards them. "The markings are all wrong for the planetary government. Those look like Hutt ships to me."

"I see them, I see them," Tor said. "Can you evade them?"

Luke studied the approaching vessels as he pondered his options. The whole situation was completely absurd. He was a Jedi Knight, a distinguished ex-general in the New Republic military, traveling under false IDs to a backwards planet for questionable ends. Leia would be upset if he triggered a diplomatic incident, assuming word of this clandestine expedition ever got back to her.

He hadn't fought or flown in a starship battle in years.

He looked down towards the sandy wastes that stretched out below them in endless waves, then back at the coordinates Tor had fed the Destiny's navicomputer. If they maintained their present course, they'd be directly over the territory that Luke had spent his adolescence exploring, poking about every nook and cranny until he'd known like the back of his hand.

And in a sudden burst of insight, he knew exactly what he needed to do to win. Without hurting anyone in the process.

Unless they weren't good pilots, in which case they deserved what they got if they were crazy enough to follow him--

"Strap in, and hold tight," Luke said, a wide grin stretching across his face as he embraced the full audacity of his plan. "I have an idea."

#star wars #my fanfiction #fanfic excerpt #a natural history of tatooine

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tinymintyoon · 6 years

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85 Truths Tag

I was tagged by @tony-montana-shit awhile ago and @taessharpie a moment ago... I love you both you guys always involve me and show so much love to my blog

Rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 10 people (Ha! I changed the rules)

Last:

1. Drink - Bubble Tea

2. Phone call - My step dad

3. Text Message - @kpopcinnamonswirlroll

4. Song you listened to - bath by offonoff

5. Time you cried - I can’t remember because I didn’t want to

Ever:

6. Dated someone twice - No

7. Kissed someone and regretted it - Yes

8. Been cheated on - No

9. Lost someone special - Yes

10. Been depressed - Yes

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up - No

Favorite colors:

12. Aqua

13. Light gray

14. Lavender

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends - Yes!

16. Fallen out of love - Yes

17. Laughed until you cried - Yes!!!

18. Found out someone was talking about you - Yes

19. Met someone who changed you - Yes

20. Found out who your true friends are - Absolutely

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - Yes

General:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl - Used to know all of them

23. Do you have any pets - I have a few... 3 cats & 2 dogs

24. Do you want to change your name - No. I’ve learned it reflects who I really am

25. What did you do for your last birthday - Stayed at home

26. What time did you wake up today - 9:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night - Umm texting...

28. What is something you can’t wait for - Nothing... Waiting is important for me

(Would just like to point out there is not a 29)

30. What are you listening to right now - The sound of my fingers typing on my keyboard

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - Yep

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves - My period cramps

33. Most visited website - Google/YouTube/ Tumblr

34. Hair color - Brown faded into a caramel blonde

35. Long or short hair - Medium length... I like mine short though

36. Do you have a crush on someone - Many many hot Asian men

37. What do you like about yourself - Myself... umm... My open-mindedness

38. Want any piercings? - A few on my ears

39. Blood type - A blood type

40. Nicknames - Maragna, Tiny, Eomma, Kitten, Mommy

41. Relationship status - I have a chill girlfriend... I love her a lot... Like a whole BUNCH

42. Zodiac - Scorpio

43. Pronouns - She and all that female shit

44. Fave tv shows - I don’t watch a lot of tv but when I do it’s anime or Korean... Fight My Way, Noragami

45. Tattoos - None but I want small pretty ones here and there

46. Right or left-handed - Right-handed

47. Ever had surgery - I had surgery on my tear duct when I was a baby

48. Piercings - 2 standard lobes and then an extra one above each standard

49. Sport - Volleyball, dancing

50. Vacation - Too many but my favorite place is Hilton Head Island or Jekyll Island

51. Trainers - ???

52. Eating - Some oxygen

53. Drinking - Water

54. I’m about to watch - the back of my eyelids because I’m getting sleepy

55. Waiting for - me to get my life together

56. Want - to go to a concert

57. Get married - One day.

58. Career - Don’t have one right now but I want to go to school and become a doctor

Which is better:

59. Hugs or kisses - I can’t choose one...

60. Lips or eyes - Eyes

61. Shorter or taller - Taller

62. Older or younger - Older

63. Nice arms or stomach - Stomach? I don’t really think about which is better

64. Hookup or relationship - Relationship.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant - HESITANT

Have you ever:

66. Kissed a stranger - No

67. Drank hard liquor - Depends

68. Lost glasses - Yes

69. Turned someone down - Yes

70. Sex on the first date - No

71. Broken someone’s heart - Kinda, well I hope not

72. Had your heart broken - Yes

73. Been arrested - No

74. Cried when someone died - Yes

75. Fallen for a friend - yes, a couple times

Do you believe in:

76. Yourself - Depends

77. Miracles - Yes

78. Love at first sight - Yes

79. Santa Claus - No

80. Kiss on a first date - Yes

81. Angels - Yes

Other:

82. Best friend’s name - Kimberly/ Kennedy/Owen

83. Eye color - Dark Brown my dudes

84. Fave movie - Pure Love

85. Fave actor - IDEK

I tag @kpopcinnamonswirlroll @gonge17 @joondipityy @peachesandfiction @annoyedvane @itzjustbts @iamjungtoastie @lovelyjiminnie @adore-jhope @joonies-houseplants I see you all in my notes a lot and it makes me smile every time... I love you all!!!

#this is long #tagged

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thegreatwhiteferret · 6 years

Text

I was tagged by: @its-reddie-bitch (Thanks for this by the way, Elle. 85 fucking questions...Jesus. Lmao ❤️❤️❤️ )

1. last drink?: Venti Soy Blonde Latte from Starbucks because I am a basic white bitch

2: last phone call?: My older sister when I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

3. last text message?: “Can I use your card for Starbucks?” Because I am a poor ass basic white bitch.

4. last song you listened to?: Rainbow by Kesha (Gets me in the feels every time)

5. last time you cried?: Mmmmmmmm last night or the early hours of today...

6. dated someone twice?: Noppppppppppppppe. Thank fucking God.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: I don’t think so.

8. been cheated on?: We weren’t “exclusive” so...but I’d fucking say that it still felt like it.

9. lost someone special?: So so many.

10. been depressed?: Severely for the majority of my life. (In case y’all hadn’t figured out that I’m an anxious and depressed mess)

11. gotten drunk and thrown up?: OH MY GOD. Only twice that I can think of, but one was really bad. Sour blue raspberry Smirnoff vodka and Titos vodka, and I filled like a full tumbler glass with that and chugged it...because why the fuck not? I’ll tell you why not, I ruined a $2,500 cowhide rug...fuck.

fave colors

12. Fluorescent Pink- Basic white bitch with Barbie tendencies.

13. Tiffany Blue- See above reasoning

14. Anything Pastel Ever

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends?: Yes, but I also lost a shit ton.

16. fallen out of love?: Hahahahaha. No romantic interactions at all in the past year so...not possible.

17. laughed until you cried?: All the time. That wine drinking Pennywise was the last thing that made me do this.

18. found out someone was talking about you?: Yes, and that bitch is lucky I had enough self control to not throw hands with her.

19. met someone who changed you?: Yes. (For better and for worse)

20. found out who your friends are?: In the hardest way possible.

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list?: Nope, and we can leave it that way.

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl?: All of them.

23. do you have any pets?: My furry baby who is actually an alien like Stitch dog, Pippa. (But I also have my sister’s dog with me right now)

24. do you want to change your name?: Nah, I’m good.

25. what did you do for your last birthday?: Went for dinner with my family and tried to keep myself together.

26. what time did you wake up today?: Erhmmmmmm 10:30 ish, but I laid in bed with the dogs until almost 12. It was glorious.

27. what were you doing at midnight last night?: Finishing the latest chapter of I Will Try To Fix You so I could post it and watching Bloodline (legit only for Owen Teague...don’t judge me.)

28. what is something that you can’t wait for?: Things to get better...?

30. what are you listening to right now?: Someone You Like by The Girls and The Dreamcatcher

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom?: Yup.

32. something getting on your nerves?: What doesn’t get on my nerves would be a shorter list. What irks me more than anything is people being assholes to other people because their ideals don’t match. No one is fucking asking you to engage in a poly relationship or marry your same gender so fuck off! Gahhhhh.

33. most visited website?: Tumblr (But if Google Docs counts (14 tabs open Jesus) then that’s close behind and so is Ao3).

34. hair color?: Bleached white blonde with horrendous roots. I sooooo want to do something drastic to it though,

35. long or short hair: It’s shoulder length so whatever that is.

36. do you have a crush on someone?: A real life person? No. Celebrities? Hilary fucking Knight always and forever. People on this site? ...Maybeeeeeee.

37. what do you like about yourself?: This is a really hard question. I guess I’m an alright writer and I genuinely like helping people.

38. want any piercings: I have quite a few, but I have my eye on a few for the future.

39. blood type: O+

40. nicknames: Meg, Megs, Meggie, Mefge (Typo from Wii that will never cease to haunt me!), Texas...really freaking boring I guess.

41. relationship status: Single AF...by choice, not my choice, but a choice.

42. zodiac: Libra

43. pronouns: She/Her

44. fave tv show: Golden Girls (and a million others, I watch a lot of TV tbh)

45. tattoos: I have a list of 14 that I want when I have money.

46. right or left handed: Right

47. ever had surgery: I’ve had sinus surgery and gastric related surgery so far. There will be more in the future I am sure.

48 . piercings: Two lobes each ear, industrial, rook, conch, and tragus. (Nips, belly button, and something else in the future hopefully)

49. sport: HOCKEY, ALL DAY EVERY DAY BABY!!!

50. vacation: I haven’t been on one in years. I am dying to go to Disney and London.

51. trainers: Converse Chuck Taylors

more general

52. eating: Salad but I want to make a mug cookie...

53. drinking: Still working on that Latte

54. im about to watch: I’m watching some British family cook off show with my mom and sister on Netflix.

55. waiting for: Better days, they better be coming quickly.

56. want: To actually be motivated enough to quickly finish the 14 requests I have!!! Hahahaha, that’s why it’s a want and not a possibility.

57. get married? YES PLEASE! But I think someone has to actually be able to tolerate me for this to happen. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

58. career: I quit my original dream career and now I am going back to school for nursing. It was toxic and I needed a change.

59. hugs or kisses: ALL OF THE PHYSICAL AFFECTION PLEASE!

60. lips or eyes: Eyes. Oh my God, EYES.

61. shorter or taller: ¿Por que no los dos?

62. older or younger: I don’t care as long as they are at least 18...sounds bad but whatever.

63. nice arms or stomach: Uhmmmm either?

64. hookup or relationship: Relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant: It depends on the situation.

66. kissed a stranger: Not yet, but I would.

67. drank hard liquor: Pretty much all I drink because I am allergic to beer and do not like wine. I actually owe my sister six shots of fireball, so that’s going to happen and I will be on the floor...

68. lost glasses: All the fucking time and then I can’t find them because I’m blind! Endless struggle.

69. turned someone down: Yes...and ghosted people too.

70. sex on the first date: SURE. Why the fuck not??

71. broken someones heart: I don’t think so.

72. had your heart broken: Yes, and at the time I thought I would never recover, but I’m still kicking bitches.

73. been arrested: No.

74. cried when someone died: So so so so so so so so much.

75. fallen for a friend: Yes, multiple times, and they were awful decisions!

do you believe in…

76. yourself: No. Unfortunately. It’s a struggle, but I promise that I am going to get help very soon and work on this. I’m just very very hard on myself and don’t like when I’m not perfect. 😕😕😕

77. miracles: Maybe...

78. love at first sight: Nope. Infatuation of lust at first sight? Yes. Love? No, I don’t think it’s something to play around with and it has to grow.

79. santa clause: I CAN HEAR THE BELLS!!!!

80. kiss on a first date: I mean I already said why not to sex on the first date, so kissing is mild.

81. angels: I don’t know. Angels I’m not sure about, but I do believe in spirits and things of that nature.

82. best friend’s name: Can I say my dog? Is that pathetic? Pippa is my ride or die, guys.

83. eye color: Blue

84. fave movie: Inglorious Basterds, IT, and Rise of the Guardians in no specific order, because I am indecisive and can’t choose.

85. fave actor: I can’t choose one! Taron Egerton, Michael B. Jordan, and Evan Peters are high on my list though.

I have no idea who has already been tagged so I’m just going to throw some names out... @billbenbev @milagric @theriodiaries @demianhill @dannybriereisaliferuiner @valiantlydeepestdinosaur And literally anyone else who wants to do this!

#Meg Writes Things #Meg Takes Way Too LOng To Answer Simple Prompts #Meg Overthinks everything too #ME

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mariabblackyr2 · 4 years

Text

Hauntology and Nostalgia - Lecture + Seminar Notes & Set Task

· Definition of Nostalgia – the state of being homesick, a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition also: something that evokes nostalgia. – conceptual idea of home or about a particular time in past can be real or imagined.

· Why are we so nostalgic? – ‘ on this day’ on social media apps, ‘throwbacks’ viral movements – social markers encourage nostalgia – technology allows us to explore nostalgia in a more convenient yet public way, bombarded with nostalgic images

What are you nostalgic for? – times past, old friends, family, youth, carefree living….? Indulge and re-experience these aspects again – what triggers your nostalgia – different experiences, sound, sight, smell, etc. nostalgia rising due to hard times?

· Digital Nostalgia vs Physical Nostalgia – modern media encourages it – volume of material larger due to the digital age

· Nostalgia never satisfied yet we still practice it – we chose it

· Marketing tool? Political persuasion and gain

· The ministry of Nostalgia – ‘ we will remind people of how good things used to be. Since no one can now remember a time when things were good, we all need, help to dream of a wonderful bygone age when everyone was paid in golden sovereigns, no one was or died, the weather was perfect, and you could get 200 pints of bitter for a quid.’ – manifesto for monster raving looney party.

· The poster wasn’t mass produced until 2008 which is important as it is a historical object. In 2009 it became increasingly popular due to the reaction to the credit crunch and the banking crash. Tapped into narrative of the ‘British Finniest Hour’ – is there’s a negative uncurrent – nationalist undercurrent?

· ‘Keep calm and carry on’ – Stuart Manley found a faded poster – a relic from world war two, long lost government propaganda bearing the message. Manley sold copies of poster behind his wife’s back as she didn’t want to commercialise it.

· Become a joke – a reference within a reference.

“Make Tea, Not War

Save our NHS

Down with This Sort of Thing

Keep Calm & Carry On

Stop Worrying & Enjoy Your Life

Work Hard & Be Nice to People

Make Do & Mend

Read Some Fucking Orwell

Live Within Our Means

Support Our Boys

Make Britain Great Again

Take Back Control” – The Ministry of Nostalgia, Owen Hatherley – how he views nostalgia at it surface level to what’s underneath, each line own connotations, ironic, not his views, critic on our nostalgia, historical connotations, old school nationalism driving nostalgia?

· ‘The Good Old Days’ – Frankie Boyle – mocking the concept

youtube

· What are you nostalgic for? – Matthew Frost (2015) Viva Vena – buy into the product

youtube

· Textpost – different view on nostalgia depending on when you’re born – a freedom that we missed out on – something an older person struggles to understand – a world without social media – a sense of freedom we miss and would sometimes prefer although technology offers so many more opportunities it also has many downfalls.

· What are you nostalgic for? – Mark Fisher’s Slow Cancellation of the future – why we mind the past- through artefact’s in star wars – popular entertainment

youtube

Nostalgia happens during reactionary periods, such as austerity in the 1950’s and today.

· Historically being nostalgic or using nostalgia as a form of expression in art of literature has not been seen as a good thing, rather it’s been viewed as the antithesis of progression and innovation. Miuccia Prada once said ‘nostalgia is a very complicated subject for me. I’m attracted by nostalgia, but I refuse it intellectually.’ – manifests in fashion? Choice of clothing? Retro clothes? Is this nostalgia or the same trends being recycled?

· Stranger Things – nostalgic for older viewers? Followed an old style.

youtube

Storybook sentiment has got hold of consumers looking o escape their stresses and find temporary refuge from adult responsibilities. Nostalgia marketing holds great appeal in times of uncertainty as it allows consumers to reminisce. Bringing them back to simpler, more carefree times’ – comfort drives nostalgia

·What is Hauntology? – nostalgia manifesting in products

defined by its confrontation with a cultural impasses : the failure of the future. ‘by 2005 or so, it was becoming clear that electronic music could no longer deliver sounds that were “futuristic”” since ww11 up until the 1990’a electronic music held a sense of the future, ‘would habitually turn to electronic music when it wanted to invoke the future’ In 2005, electronics don’t provoke the future any more but feels ‘ strange or dissonant’.

Haunted Technology - how nostalgia is manifesting in technology

The end of history

Culture has lost momentum and we are now all stuck at the ‘end of history’. With modern technologies dislocating us from the traditional notions of time. For example smart phones allow us to never fully commit to a moment, creating a ghostly presence or absence for us. We are almost in a non-time, due to the internet nothing dies anymore and everything comes back.

youtube

Seminar:

Part 1:

Personal notes from discussion

Steal like an artist? Our work is a perfect example of hauntology - our work stems from what has worked before - is there much stepping out anymore for example limits within the artworld.

Everything in culture is a reboot of what has come before

Nostalgia present in photography in general - childhood photos, memories - will always bring on feelings of nostalgia

As well as hauntology present in photographic technology such as film cameras.

Can nostalgia be good and bad? - Tracy Emin - Bed

Senses link us to nostalgia - certain smells

Immersed in nostalgia for comfort

Hauntology and Nostalgia can all be very individual feelings yet are very collective in their own right.

Part 2:

Watch video - free writing exercise

Surface learning - recalling basic facts, key concern to meet requirements, uncritical reproduction, lack of interest in the topic, getting the job done quickly - give yourself time to be immerse in the task, broad generalisations, basic books and lecture handouts - there our blanket/overall ideas but we should look into the to refine the part that links to us.

Deep learning - students aim to understand ideas, their key concern is do I get it, a key curiosity, critical review of alternatives, consider applications and implications, greater personal interest in topic, taking more time to explore for example recommendations by tutors, key objective is how can I use this material, trust yourself to explain this stuff in a new way, there will always be another point of view that was not given in the lecture, how can apply what has been said to my own work

Critical writing is a process you use a range of writing skills that can be challenging, time consuming and messy but gives you a different clarity on what you're researching - your work will become richer.

Criticism has a negative connotation to it but it's not just negative it is a judgement of the work - personal and others opinions of the topic, testing the evidence, consider alternatives arguments and explanations - completion can’t be reached without, a conclusion. - not just fact telling there is an analysis to be done

Analysis is a critic, investigates the evidence for and against different theories and ideas, considers alternative perspectives , reach an informed opinion, give a reasoned argument

Critical thinking - persistent, sceptical, always ask why am i being told this, who is telling me this, what am i not being told, where is the evidence to support this.

Obtain some level of objectivity - can create a prejudice if not

‘Pick anyone off the street would my essay make sense to them.

Key Questions : What is the main point to make, can i back up my argument, is the evidence relevant, accurate and up to date, is this view based on false logic

Either describing ( facts , why are these facts important) or being analytical ( pick up key issues, precise what information you use and challenge )

Set Task

For the set task I did some research into Ian Howorth and his work called ‘Arcadia’.

‘The images in this series capture a retro nostalgia and constantly question our preconceived ideas of beauty. Arcadia takes us from the serene if not metronomic seaside towns of the South to the Working Mens Clubs and forgotten factories of the North. Through his unique style and mastery of film, Ian highlights a contemporary Britain suffocated by its past whilst allowing the viewer to draw their own conclusions.’

Link to hauntology - Britain living in the past

Ironic that the photographs are captured by film.

Photographs representing an iconography and stereotype of Britain that is well known

I think the imagery is slightly before my time however it still allows me to be slightly reminiscent of my childhood for example the caravan’s and bowls on the green

A nostalgia linked to the seaside parts of Britain

‘Arcadia has been referred to in popular culture as a utopian vision for centuries. A fictional place which is fertile and bountiful. A promised land of milk and honey. Held aloft by artists, poets and playwrights as a depiction of one’s individual paradise. Now eroded by times relentless indifference to change, it remains lodged in our collective psyche as a touchstone.’

Collective hauntology? - the record player becomes more popular after 2010 - became a staple of pop culture

Hauntology technology is almost a search for a utopia - we created and created for years never fully achieving this futuristic idea we had for after 2010ish then began more to revert back to old school technology calling is fashionable.

This collective nostalgia shows how we are suck still in time , at the end of history.

Arcadia as a term is linked to greek mythology and is a poetic shaped place - a utopia - Howorths work is almost a ‘poetic’ version of Britain's past that we are nostalgic about and retreat to for comfort from fear of the future.

links:

http://ihoworth.com/

https://www.itsnicethat.com/articles/ian-howorth-arcadia-photography-230519

https://www.huckmag.com/art-and-culture/photography-2/quiet-discomfort-a-pensive-portrait-of-modern-britain/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgKQ7yXCXxg

https://www.setantabooks.com/book_author/ian-howorth/

#contextualstudies

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livinonaflyingcarpet · 7 years

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Answer these 85 questions then tag people!

Thanks so much @iamacolor for tagging 💜💜

THE LAST: Drink: water Phone call: surely my mom Text message: Yesterday to my secondary jerkass boss if he turned in our timesheets Song you listened to: I was listening to Foo Fighters while baking today, can’t remember the last song... I Should’ve Known? Run? idk Time you cried: yesterday/this early morning, broke down sobbing when Mike Shinoda played the most beautiful demo he wrote 8 days after CB, and then followed that up with Waiting For The End... hearing WFTE in Mike’s solo version just broke me Dated someone twice: nope Kissed someone and regretted it: nope Been cheated on: nope, not in relationship way Lost someone special: I’m told that celebrity role models don’t count Been depressed: depends... depressed depressed last December/January Gotten drunk and thrown up: the one and only time I did that was about 3-4 years ago when I drank Frisco (basically fruity flavoured beer) on a completely empty stomach. Needless to say I haven’t touched Frisco since & always make sure I eat something heavy before drinking.

FAVOURITE COLOURS: warm purples, deep reds. Maybe also indigo in combination with gold/silver (i’m a sucker for star patterns ok)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: Made new friends: yep Fallen out of love: yes, out of one-sided fancying Laughed until you cried: can’t recall Found out someone was talking about you: umm probably? Met someone who changed you: not by a person no Found out who your friends are: not within this year Kissed someone on your facebook list: nope

GENERAL: How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them, I only add ppl I personally know. Although recently I’ve added my Iraqi cousins whom I’ve never met, so that may count as strangers. Do you have any pets: one ridiculously spoiled cat, although sometimes I feel like I’m her pet and not vice versa Do you want to change your name: nope, I like it What did you do for your last birthday: man there has been the biggest turmoil of shit around my last birthday concerning my father that we didn’t celebrate at all. So I guess the answer is trying not to break down & being there for my mother What time did you wake up: today? hahaha either 4:20 AM or 1PM, depends on which one you count. Been watching a livestream from LA What were you doing at midnight last night: either watching tv or wasting time on internet Name something you can’t wait for: umm Christmas, kinda? no school, no work, plus I’m the biggest xmas spirit elf ever. I always switch to exclusively xmas songs playlist mid-november at the latest When was the last time you saw your mom: she’s sitting right across from me :) What are you listening to right now: I actually turned off my Spotify a while ago, so a random backgroud thing on TV. There’s Owen Wilson in it. I’m not focusing on it enough to switch the channel Have you ever talked to a person named tom: does Tomáš count? It’s shortened as Tom. In which case yes, there was one in my primary school :D Something that is getting on your nerves: man what isn’t... my secondary boss, my school team projects, my father... Most visited website: tumblr, subeta, facebook, gmail, university IS Hair colour: almost black, rn actually faded ombre waiting to be re-dyed purple tomorrow. Word of advice: If u have really dark hair and want to dye it a crazy colour, tell your hairdresser to bleach it at least twice. I didn’t and now regret it. Long or short hair: longish, like tops-of-breasts long. I had it cut shorter than usual for summer, growing it out now Do you have a crush on someone: nope, well not a proper crush rn What do you like about yourself: hair (before I decided to mess around with it), eyes, music taste, that I have some brains, that I’m healthily insane (insert Robin Williams quote) Want piercings?: a second row of ear piercings sometimes. back when I was thin I wanted a bellybutton one - in my defense I was 14 and an aspiring bellydancer Nickname: general ones: Simi, Síma, Simča. Call me Simonka and I’ll skin you Relationship status: forever alone Zodiac: gemini Pronouns: she/her Favorite tv show: skam, doctor who, buffy the vampire slayer, angel, gilmore girls, daredevil, stranger things, agent carter, game of thrones, mozart in the jungle, veronica mars, sherlock sans last season Tattoos: none, but want one Right or left handed: leftie Surgery: yes, ankle when I was 11 Piercing: just ears Sport: despise it in any form but dancing Vacation: was or want to? I’ll make it easy and say London for both Pair of trainers: i don’t think i understand the question? I have three pairs, one of which can be considered sporty

MORE GENERAL: Eating: last thing I ate or my favourite food?? Pomegranate for the former, mom’s lasagna and peanut icecream for latter Drinking: last thing: water, favourite: non-alcoholic water or Mirinda/Top Topic if I want something flavoured, alcoholic old fashioned (seriously old fashioneds are to die for) Im about to: start downloading the next episode of stranger things, as last download just finished Waiting for: the end to come... no sorry that’s a song. Now I have it stuck in my head. Want: mental stability, a kind charming boyfriend, to move out of my parents’, financial stability (= a miracle jackpot i guess), to be able to handle schoolwork better than I do rn, basically just to use the motherlode cheat code and move to canary islands for three months Get married: yes, one day, if the guy’s okay Career: in business IT I guess, so far I’m eyeing a Data Analyst, Business Analyst or something ITIL-related

WHICH IS BETTER: Hugs or kisses: kisses Lips or eyes: both Shorter or taller: taller Older or younger: depends mainly on personality, but generally older Nice arms or nice stomach: arms. shouldersss Hook up or relationship: relationship Troublemaker or hesitant: I wanna say hesitant but then nothing will happen ever, so neither

HAVE YOU EVER: Kissed a stranger: no Drank hard liquor: yes Lost glasses/contact lenses: no Turned someone down: yes Sex on the first date: no Broken someone’s heart: I don’t think so Had your heart broken: nope Been arrested: no Cried when someone died: yes Fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: Yourself: rarely... sometimes? depends on my general mood Miracles: I do now Love at first sight: not really? Santa Claus: hahaha Kiss on the first date: like only if the chemistry would be really remarkable, but generally no Angels: partly, like guardian angels

OTHER: Current best friends name: Eli (Eliška). Then there’s my mom (I know that’s a cliche), Jana, Tereza, Síma, Klára Eye colour: brown Favorite movie: that’s harder than series... a lot of them? harry potter obviously, then man from UNCLE, far from the madding crowd, jane eyre, captain america, tangled...

I tag: OK this is such a cliche, but whoever is reading this? I don’t have many followers and most are bots anyway, but if your’re reading this, I just wanna say: thank you for following me, I appreciate you so, I hope you’re having a nice day and I’m rooting for you, and if you want to you can do this fun thing & please tag me in it <3

#tagged #moje kecy

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metallikca · 7 years

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tagged by: @stanfordsammy and @benevolentsam thanks guys

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag people

I tag: @blessingsandbooks, @wanderingcas, @royalrowena @deantulip and @samtulip, @idjitsaviors, @wrenwritesometimes

the last

1. drink: Coffee 2. phone call: my mom 3. text message: my sister 4. song you listened to: I think “what’s up” by 4 non blondes 5. time you cried: idek, I don’t cry 6. dated someone twice: worst mistak3 7. kissed someone and regretted it: ugh yes 8. been cheated on: not to my knowledge 9. lost someone special: yes… 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no, ew

3 favorite colors 12. Black.. 13. Crimson 14. This one is v changeable, atm it’s cerulean

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes, but mostly on Tumblr 16. fallen out of love: just about a year ago yep 17. laughed until you cried: yes, like a week ago w/ my mom 18. found out someone was talking about you: UGH DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED 19. met someone who changed you: Yes, fuckin bitch 20. found out who your friends are: yep 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: 2

general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all but like 3-5 23. do you have any pets: dog, cat, buncho chickens 24. do you want to change your name: eh 25. what did you do for your last birthday: I went to see my best friend 26. what time did you wake up: idek 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: uhh on Tumblr probably or practicing 28. name something you can’t wait for: MY LGBT FLAG ANTI-POSSESSION SYMBOL PIN UGH YESSSS 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: I’m LEGIT sitting like 2 feet away from her 😂

31. what are you listening to right now: nuttin 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Not to my knowledge. I’ve known some tims tho 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my dad. 34. most visited website: Tumblr or youtube. 35. hair colour: blonde. Most people think it’s red tho 36. long or short hair: I’m gonna shave half of it asap 37. do you have a crush on someone: just actors and musicians tbh lol. 38. what do you like about yourself: my eyes, my freckles, my take-no-shit wayward af attitude 39. piercings: have: both ears, want: septum, dimple 40. blood type: I haven’t the slightest 41. nickname: Kaye 42. relationship status: single 43. zodiac: 100% Aquarius.

44. pronouns: They/them 45. favourite tv show: Dollhouse, Big Bang Theory, Supernatural, Sense8 46. tattoos: I WISH 47. right or left handed: Ambidextrous mostly 48. surgery: none 49. piercing: see above 50. sport: Ice Skating is my fav 51. vacation: anywhere but here 52. pair of trainers: what?

more general 53. eating: nothing 54. drinking: Coffee, as usual 55. i’m about to: go help my mom when she tells me she’s ready 56. waiting for: today to be over 57. want: to use my PFD to go to Germany 58. get married: never would. 59. career: I’d like to be a jack-of-all trades so to speak, art, music, writing, Au pair, Hiking guide, rock climbing guide with my brother, botanist, chemist, language teacher, cook. There’s so much i wanna do with my life.

which is better 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: depends on personality 64. nice arms or nice stomach: neither 65. hook up or relationship: neither 66. troublemaker or hesitant: 🎼maker

have you ever 67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: some 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: more times than I can count 70. turned someone down: yeep 71. sex on the first date: never been on a date 72. broken someone’s heart: uh. Kinda, he was a douche 73. had your heart broken: romantically? No. Platonically? Yes. 74. been arrested: no, but a cop stopped me last December as I was walking up a hill @1:30AM 75. cried when someone died: no. I don’t cry. I feel like crying a lot, but past issues have stopped me from doing so basically ever. 76. fallen for a friend: kinda

do you believe in 77. yourself: most of the time I make a good effort to. 78. miracles: depends on whose definition we’re going by. 79. love at first sight: platonic? Yes. Romantic? No. 80. santa claus: I’d rather Sandy Claws. 81. kiss on the first date: eh 82. angels: not in the conventional sense but yes

other 83. current best friend’s name: Ashley, Owen. 84. eye colour: misc. 85. favourite movie: Across the universe or Lucky Number Slevin

#personal #alexsspnfam #angvlicfam #snacklesfamily #answers #get to know me

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justanotherdamnthing · 7 years

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I Just Wanna Breathe Again

I knew when I started, I would probably get addicted. I started anyway. Because I quit cutting and I can’t focus enough to read or write hardly ever, anymore. I don’t have the energy to go for nightly walks anymore. It helps me. And, stupid as it sounds, it helps my depression. My husband says I’m smoking more now than I was. I didn’t realize it until he said it, but I am. It’s getting to where I feel like I need to smoke. I know it isn’t his fault. He almost died. He’s still recovering. Still tired, exhausted. Still recovering. But all he does his play phone games. He plays while we’re at work. He plays when we’re in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy, every night. He plays when we are eating. He plays after sex. He plays until we turn out the lights to go to sleep. Sometimes, he plays after the lights are out. He plays phone games all the time. And I don’t. Usually, when he’s playing, I get on Facebook to check notifications. I scroll through for a bit. I get on Pinterest, or Google random thoughts and questions I have. Sometimes, I’ll play a phone game, if I’m feeling particularly bored. And he talks about his games all the time. Sometimes, I’ll want to say something but he is talking about his game. So, I wait. And, because I have an atrociously bad memory, I forget what I wanted to say. Tonight, while watching Grey’s, I told him I liked the name “Owen”. He said, “yeah” while playing his game. I asked him what would he want to name our son, if I were pregnant, of we had a boy. His answer? “Donkey.” It was a silly, random question. We both want a baby. I think about names, in general, a lot. Partly because I am a writer, and partly because choosing a name for a human being is a big deal. And if we ever get pregnant, which I hope like hell we do, I want to have some idea what names we both like. I mean, we talk. We’ve been talking about moving back to my hometown, which is about an hour from where we live. And getting jobs there, then quitting where we work now. Which is about an hour/hour and a half from where we wanna move. Actually, keeping our jobs until we find one in my hometown, is a better idea than quitting our jobs, using our income tax money to rent a place, and live off of until we find work in my hometown. Right now we live with his mother. She’s nice enough. But lately she’s been getting on both our nerves. And I can’t handle her anymore. My whole family lives in my hometown. I have a big family. I have: A sister who had a baby last year. She just got promoted to manager. She’s having a hard time with her boyfriend/ the baby’s dad. She’s working on trying to better all their lives. A sister, who adopted us when she was 9. She has two kids, and finally just left their dad. She is working on trying to better her life for her and her boys. I have a brother who is about to start high school. When he was born, way too early, we didn’t think he’d make it this far. He has come such a long way. I have a brother in 8th grade who is taking classes for high school credit. He is out of TRACs. Completely, as of now. He has come a long way, too, just in a different way. I have a step sister, who is an amazing artist. Her mom has been with my dad since she was two. That’s twelve years. She usually goes to see her dad in Cali every summer, but last year, she chose to stay home instead. And she’s started calling my dad “dad” again. I have a little sister due to be born May 22, 5 days before my birthday. I can’t wait to meet her. This is the first and, given their ages and energy for having another baby in the house, probably the only kid they will biologically have together. I want to be there to get to know my sister. I’ll be 24 or 25 years older than her, depending on when she is actually born. My grandmother was sick a couple months ago. She had a bad case of bronchitis, woke up unable to breathe well, and was in the hospital for a week and got pneumonia. She’s on oxygen sometimes now, and has a high heart rate level. I am really close to my family, and I hate being so far away. He is only really close to his Pa, on his dad’s side, and his mom and brother. We were gonna get a place in Lebanon, where we work, but then we decided to try Cookeville, again, instead. I miss my family, I really do. Everyone is growing up, and living their lives. I feel like I am missing everything. My brothers are starting a Dungeons and Dragons game with their dad. They’ve never played before, and they are super excited about it. I remember how much fun I always had playing D&D. So I got them each a set of gaming dice in their favorite colors. They came in a week or two ago. Even though, we’ve been in Cookeville during the times they’d be put of school and awake, I haven’t been able to give the seta to the boys because my husband hasn’t felt like going over there. So they’re still in my purse. He had an emergency surgery when we were engaged. Barely less than a month til the wedding date. Then he got sepsis and we thought he was going to die. So we got married in the hospital. We didn’t have a wedding, or a honeymoon. So, we thought we’d go to Panama City at the end of May, for our honeymoon/ a birthday gift to ourselves. We canceled that so we could get a place. Which, we still haven't found a place. Well, we found a couple places. One place, we both fell in love with, we didn't get approved for because we don't have a rental history to give as a reference, since we've never rented before. He is an amazing man. He really is. He is handsome, and sexy. He is funny, smart, sensitive. He is passionate. He is my best friend, and I can’t believe I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I just wish he didn’t play his phone games all the time. Just take a break for a few days. I miss him. I just want to feel like I matter more than the games. I want him to pay more attention to me than the games. I feel like I am going nowhere in life. So, I smoke. And I want to quit. I do. But I can’t seem to. My depression is getting bad again. I guess it always does around my birthday. Every year. But this year feels worse. I don’t know, maybe I feel like I am falling behind the schedule I had for myself. Or maybe I just need some adventure. Maybe I need to get out and do something to get my blood flowing again. Maybe of I could concentrate on my writing, or reading a book, I would feel better. Maybe. I don’t know why smoking makes me feel better. Temporarily, but better. Just three years ago, I had never been drunk. I had never been high. I had never drank a beer. I had never smoked pot. I quit smoking cigarettes when I was 16, and occasionally smoked one or three a year. I had never done drugs. I just pretty much sat by myself and watched movies or something. Then one summer, all of that changed completely. I discovered that I absolutely love whiskey. I also discovered, I should absolutely not drink whiskey. Found out that I actually like Bud Lite. I love weed. I had blood clots in my lungs for several months, and it made it difficult to breathe. I could only take unsatisfying, short, shallow breaths. Then, I went camping, after I was told the clots were gone and there was just some wicked scar tissue left. It was too much, too soon, I guess. My inhalers, they put me on an inhaler and an emergency inhaler because I sucked at breathing during the blood clot months, weren’t working that night. So, a "friend" told me to take a couple hits off a joint and that it would help me breathe. For the first time in 7 or 8 months, I could take a deep breath. It didn’t hurt. It wasn’t impossible for me to do. It didn’t make me tired to try taking a deep breath. And it felt so good. I could breathe again. Everything changed that summer. I changed that summer. I went muddin for the first time that summer. I went caving. I camped at a lake that didn’t have showers and bathrooms. I got drunk. I got high. I got tattoos, granted they don’t LOOK professional, in a friend’s kitchen. I learned what it feels like to say, “fuck it” and just have fun. It was one of the best and, in many ways, the worst summers of my life. But I felt so alive. I don’t feel that way now. Now, I feel like I am going through life taking unsatisfying, short, shallow breaths. Gasping for enough air to fill my lungs. Enough air to fill my lungs enough to take one deep breath. But I can’t seem to take a deep enough breath. I need something. I just want to breathe again. I need something. Adventure. A spark for writing. The ability to finish a book in a decent amount of time. A project I’m excited about. Something to be excited about. Something. I need something. *sigh* I don’t even know why I wrote all this. Nobody is going to care enough to read this whole thing, or even half. Nobody is going to read this anyway. And besides, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here, anyway. What am I trying to say? What am I doing? Fuck it. I’m going to bed. I have to work a shit paying job tonight. I just want to breathe, again.

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