#and also realise there could be a dozen other things i haven't talked about here

[bigmilkagenda]

Of the many, many plates of pancakes* that were offered to the listener in magp 1-07, this one may be my favourite

[ID: A screenshot of an unofficial transcript to The Magnus Protocol. CELIA is saying "Yeah. I mean, it's an old system, but it could have been worse. It's not like we're wrestling with tape recorders and manila folders." /end ID]

When we meet TMA-Celia for the second time, she's lost her name. She was Lynne Hammond, and now she's not. She doesn't seem to remember Martin, either, but it's not clear how much of herself and her life from before the change she does remember. She's freaked out by the tape recorders that start showing up, and there's no indication that she associates them with the Institute specifically.

If Celia Ripley is, as we are clearly intended to believe or consider, the same Celia as in TMA, why is she making knowing comments about manila folders and tape recorders? Tape recorders in particular are hardly standard equipment at what seems to be mostly a text data-entry and cataloguing job. She could have said typewriters, or carbon paper. Fax machines, if we're dunking on Freddy specifically.

She says "tape recorders and manila folders." Celia Ripley is referencing The Magnus Institute, particularly the outdated technologies in use in the Archives.

Maybe she learned more from Melanie about what the recorders were and did at the Institute, sometime after MAG 190. Maybe she has those specific memories of giving her statement in MAG 100, and little else. Maybe Martin grew an apocalypse beard and she remembers everything, but just didn't recognise him out of context and in a tunnel and during A Pretty Weird Time Overall.

Maybe she stuck around with Melanie-Georgie-Basira for a while after things returned, and that's how she learned about the particular significance of tape recorders.

Maybe she found some tapes and listened to a couple hundred of them.

Or maybe she's simply an AU Celia, with a knack for oddly specific and kind of clunky comparisons, drawn into this through the powers of metafiction and string theory.

Or maybe someone filled her with spiders and sent her to finish the job of spreading Fear to this particular world.

And the reason this particular plate of textual pancakes** (short stack, butter and nightmare syrup) is one of my favourites from "Give and Take" is because I genuinely have no idea! None of these are theories because there isn't enough evidence to point me in any particular direction. It's a mystery!, Jon voice, etcetera.

If you cornered me and paid me to have an opinion about it I could say which options I thought were more likely, I guess. But the odds are high that I'd be wrong, and I think the boat for me getting paid to interpret texts probably sailed fifteen years ago, besides. I'm in this for the love of the game.***

November is the true spooky season in the northern hemisphere.**** Yeah, October ends with Halloween, but you know what month starts with Halloween? Mmhmm. By November of 2019 TMA had been on my list for a few years, and someone I was getting to know and really liked recommended it to me specifically in the days after 159 aired. The conditions were correct for me to get into something new, is what I'm saying. I still remember listening to "Anglerfish" for the first time, walking home from my office job in the blustery November dark. I got home starry-eyed and red-cheeked and thrilled by the story I'd just heard.

It took a couple of months for me to catch up, and though I loved having so much to listen to there were times when I wished I'd started earlier, to have the experience of seeing things unfold.

And now we're back at a beginning, and get to experience the horrible joys of finding out.

[ID: A screenshot of an unofficial transcript to The Magnus Protocol. LENA is saying "Of a sort. I hope you're as ready for it as you think you are. Consider yourself "in." /end ID]

*Sabrina pancake meme

** the best kind, especially if it's a contest between textual and fluffy pancakes. Keep those spongy bastards away from me, I'll take the kind with a typeface instead

***Being a huge nerd

**** For more of my opinions on November, see https://www.tumblr.com/almostmolly/188799234276

#tmagp #tma #the magnus protocol #celia ripley #celia tmagp #lynne hammond #tmagp meta #loosely. this is neither litcrit not analysis nor speculation in the sense that i don't subscribe to any of the possible paths as true #and also realise there could be a dozen other things i haven't talked about here #i know I've said spiders celia twice but I'm kind of like a person who makes red string boards for the aesthetics #it's part of the decor y'know? #sorry for the link to my tumblr poetry blog but also: I'm not bad at it so. not that sorry #pancakes (derogatory)

[suliscool]

wacky amnesia the bunker theory/headcanon about the monster (first post :])

hello, amnesia tumblr, i am sul. this is the first of hopefully multiple posts. i aim to post theories, headcanons, and maybe even art. anyways.

(spoiler warning, in case you haven't finished the game, or haven't been spoiled yet, somehow. also, i talk about some violent stuff. bunker typical death or injury and whatnot)

i would like to present my theory, with headcanon elements, as to why the beast in ATB doesn't murk Henri during the time he spends in a coma, just kinda- laying in the sickroom. of course, people who are unconscious have this cool ability where they are quiet (most of the time) and since the monster mainly hunts by sound, i think Henri wouldn't really attract much attention, especially since the beast was busy with two or more dozen louder, moving, targets for a while. that's a perfectly valid and cool theory, but it sort of leaves me craving something even more complex and tragic.

hear me out: Lamby over here, during his human, as well as early transformation days, was aware of the fact that his dear friend, Henri Clement, is hurt, unconscious, and fighting for his life in the infirmary. he sat by his side longer than the doctor would stand around, waiting for him to wake up; maybe he even talked to him. as Lambert began transforming into the beast, his thoughts, memories, knowledge, as well as his very understanding of the world around him, slowly became more simplified, animalistic and twisted. what if this normal human knowledge of his bestfren laying in the sickroom became- something a bit different. he's aware that the sickroom contains *something* important to him, like, fragile. by the point of full monsterification he's unable to fully comprehend a concept like Henri Clement, so all he understands is that the location is somehow important, and that the piece of meat laying around is not to be harmed. what if while Henri was unconscious the monster even busted into the sickroom a few times and just kinda- stood around. what if he even took a closer look and recognised Henri, sort of, further associating him with this location. of course, Henri here is a very special case. i just think that this could be similar to the monster's relationship with the rabbit toy, as in Lambert's friendship, care and empathy, towards Henri in this situation were strong enough to halt his violent tendencies and bring back a little bit of his humanity. this only works for the most important people in his life at the time, who i, in my somewhat backed up opinion, believe to be Henri and Lambert's son, who Lamby associates with the rabbit toy. according to the notes in the game, one soldier claimed that he thought the beast had recognised him somehow. buuut that didn't stop Lambert from violently tearing him limb from limb and using his entrails as chapel decorations, did it now.

i don't think that Lambert can recognise Henri during the actual gameplay, at least not until it's too late. this ties into my other theory about the beast having bad eyesight, since Lambert needed glasses back when he was human. idk if anybody else has also had this in the actual game but i have had multiple instances where the beast just walked right past me, if i stayed quiet, hidden under a bed in soldier quarters or something, but the second i shuffled by one inch, he suddenly turned around and yanked Henri out of the hiding place, killing him instantly. things like this have led me to believe that the monster has poor eyesight, increased sense of smell, since he can track victims with open wounds by blood, and, obviously, very sensitive hearing.

i think that the beast doesn't realise who Henri is for multiple reasons. first of all, the bunker is dark and Henri is always keeping a distance, unless he's dead (i will get to that). it's very much possible that, if Lambert was nearsighted, everything is just extremely dark and blurry, leaving the monster with no chance of potentially recognising his dear friend. could he recognise Henri if he spoke? maybe, actually. although i still do not think this would result in Henri being saved or *safe* (i will get to that too). the second reason why Lambert cannot reognise Henri, that i've been building up to, is because Henri's location has changed. what if, in his simple little monster brain, Lamby has "rationalised" that Henri is in the sickroom, that he belongs there, even. therefore, another random soldier, who Lambert cannot even see past a blueish blur, out in the open, definitely not in the infirmary, would NOT be Henri to him. dare i say, he wouldn't even think about it, i'm pretty sure. well, he doesn't really think in general, does he.

and at last, the things i was going to get to. i have my own headcanon based on this theory as to what happens after Henri's potential death. you might've noticed that after the beast kills Henri via mauling him, or snapping his neck, it just kinda stands around and OF COURSE this is most definitely just the developers not wanting to animate the beast ripping into Henri as the screen fades to black. i decided to over-interpret it anyway. i like to think that once Henri is dead and within arm's reach for the monster, it can actually recognise him by being able to see his face. this then leads to Lambert, once again, regaining a smidgen of humanity, possibly lamenting Henri's death, before dragging his lifeless corpse back to the infirmary and putting it in the bed that Henri was supposed to be resting in this entire time. this is kind of the same reason why i think that Henri could potentially face an even more grim fate than the monster simply hearing and murdering him, if he heard and recognised Henri's voice. like, what if he still rationalised that Henri is supposed to be in the sickroom and started hunting him with the intent of returning him there? i think Henri *could* get seriously injured, or even die, if, say, the monster decided to drag him across the entire bunker, back to the infirmary. you know, over all that stone, debris, and those loose pieces of wood or metal. maybe trample him a little bit too. even being grabbed results in injury in the game, let alone all of THAT. aaaanyways

this was a bit of a hefty first post, if anybody actually read all of this, then i hope you enjoyed it! i had fun writing it, i sure love gruesome death/injury and tragic stories. have a good day, i'm going to go on a walk now. more posts coming soon! maybe

-- sul

#amnesia game #amnesia the bunker #frictional games #henri clement #augustin lambert

[hassedah]

pls i'm begging does the moonlight lovers boys like jealous daddies? >) like a boy hitting on his precious daughter he not going with the boy's face >>

Boys as fathers-in-law :

Hi! How are you? I hope you are well! ^^

I don't think boys would be especially jealous of their daughter's partner. Some people like Vladimir, Ethan and Neil might have a harder time getting along with him, but I don't even think it would be voluntary on their part or out of jealousy.

I hope you enjoy this headcanon!

Take care of yourself and have a nice day! ^^

Vladimir :

Normally, in his time, the father was asked before going out with his daughter… Aaron pointed out to him that this was no longer the 19th century, so he didn't complain in front of you, but he mumbles a bit in his room that morals have changed and that young people do anything these days.

Your partner feels that he hates him. Vladimir hardly speaks to him and when he does He mostly feels like he's going to get yelled at. Yet Vladimir likes him, well, he finds your partner strange, but the whole new generation is strange to him…

He is really surprised when you come and ask him why he is so cold to your partner. He's been reading a book in the same room as him and he's even told him about Darcy and his garden! You pointed out that it didn't sound very friendly and he looked at you as if you had just said the strangest thing.

"Why isn't it friendly to read a book in the same room as someone else? Doesn't like Pride and Prejudice? Doesn't like gardening?"

"That's not the real problem, Dad. You haven't spoken to him for more than two hours since he got here and it's been a week since he arrived!"

Vladimir opened his mouth to protest before realising that he had nothing to say in his defence. In the days that follow, he tries to make an effort. He offers to let your partner come and help him in the garden and he even tries to take an interest in the books he reads, although he always ends up talking about Pride and Prejudice.

Béliath :

Béliath was very happy and eager for you to introduce him to your partner. In fact, when you told him you had a boyfriend, he almost immediately started pestering you with questions. "What does it look like? Do you have a picture? Where did you meet? What does it like to eat? When do you invite him over here? You absolutely have to invite him so I can meet him!"

You had a hard time stopping the flow of questions, but at least you know one thing for sure: your father is eager to meet your partner. He's been talking to the other members of the manor about it, telling Ethan and Vladimir to be nice to your partner. He really wants everything to go as smoothly as possible so that you won't be ashamed to introduce your partner to your family.

The day after his arrival, your partner is condemned to go shopping with Beliath. Yes, even if he doesn't like it. Beliath thinks that shopping brings them closer together and they can both talk without being disturbed by the other members of the manor. You hardly had a chance to talk to your partner when he got home because he fell asleep as soon as he got home. They went to dozens of shops and they also went for a manicure.

They get on quite well in the end. Your father knows how to get people to like him so it wasn't hard for them to become friends.

The only thing you could blame your father for is the fact that he is constantly pulling out your old family albums to show your partner. You've managed to hide the more embarrassing photos though.

Ivan :

When he heard that you were going to introduce him to your partner, Ivan immediately felt very stressed. So he read a lot of tips and advice on the internet about how to make your partner like him. He is determined to make a good impression.

They ask you a lot of questions to make sure your partner's time with them goes as smoothly as possible. "Do you know if he likes video games? Does he prefer Marvel or DC? Do you think we'll get along? I hope Ethan doesn't mess with him, I'll probably tell Aaron to watch him."

Despite Ivan's concerns. You don't really need to intervene to get them to get along. Your partner can see that Ivan is stressed about meeting him, but they quickly come up with topics of discussion that suit them both.

Ivan is over the moon when he starts talking about Mario games and your partner understands what he is saying. It's so rare for him to have a discussion about video games with someone other than you. He hopes your partner will agree to play a few games of Super Smash Bros with him. He's even willing to lend him his best controller for that.

Ivan is keen to have film nights with you both. As he doesn't leave the manor very often, he knows that he has missed several successful films and he relies on your partner to advise him on the best ones to watch.

He really tries not to embarrass you with anecdotes about your childhood, he still remembers all too well the embarrassment he felt when his parents told the silly things he had done as a child to make the boyfriends and girlfriends he could bring home laugh, and he intends you to avoid this feeling as much as possible.

Aaron :

Your partner is afraid of your father, yet Aaron did nothing about it. He was only looking after his guns when you arrived to introduce him to your partner. He shook his hand in a friendly manner, but with such force that your partner was convinced he had broken his finger.

The next day, your father suggests a friendly sword duel for fun and now your partner is convinced that Aaron wants to kill him. He doesn't really feel reassured when he is alone with him in the room and asks you to stay with them. You end up having to talk to your father to calm the situation down.

"But this is a friendly duel!" protests Aaron. It's just for fun! I'm not going to hurt him.

-You don't propose a duel, even a friendly one, to someone you met the day before!

-You don't understand. I was just being nice, I would have even lent him one of my best swords!

-No, Dad. And anyway, my partner has never held a sword in his life!

-… I can teach him. If that's the problem!"

You sighed in despair. You had to push hard to get Aaron to drop the idea or at least postpone it until he and your partner knew each other better.

However, the rest of the week went much better. The three of you went on a long hike in the forest, during which your father couldn't stop talking about the poisonous plants you encountered, but your father also talked a lot about astronomy and even answered your partner's questions on the subject.

In the end, despite a rather complicated start, your father and your partner are quite eager to talk together again.

Raphaël :

You had already told him about your partner before he met him. You must admit that you could not hide from him for long that you were seeing someone. Raphaël quickly guessed this and was very quickly curious to meet him. He absolutely wanted to know who had won his precious daughter's heart.

He asks you a lot of questions before he meet your partner. "Is it nice? Is it romantic? Does it give you nice presents?" Raphael seems a bit intrusive with all his questions, but in fact he is mostly happy to see you happy.

You love your father, but you have to protect your partner from his long monologues about art, his life as a vampire, and the latest romance novel he's just read. It's not that it's boring, but you've known far more interesting things to talk about.

However, everything is going well. Your partner thinks your father is quite nice and Raphael has been adoring him ever since he fixed his MP3 player (it wasn't complicated, you just had to charge it, but Raphael had lost the charger again).

Objectively, Raphael asks nothing more of your partner than to be nice to you. Once your partner is in the manor with you, he tries to give you as much privacy as possible but he constantly tells the other members of the manor how happy he is to see you and your partner together. He thinks you make a lovely couple.

You must have stopped him more than once from sharing embarrassing anecdotes from your childhood. He finds it hard to understand why he can't talk about what you did as a baby, after all, these are very cute anecdotes for him.

Ethan :

Your partner doesn't know whether your father likes him or hates him. You have to admit that Ethan has barely spoken to him since he arrived. It's a little unsettling. You don't really know what's been going through your father's mind since you introduced him to your partner.

Ethan keeps challenging your partner. It was fun at first, but quickly became annoying over time (especially when your partner wins the challenge as Ethan is always very upset at losing).

Some of his challenges are just stupid: "You can't climb the stairs on your hands! You can't pick flowers in Vladimir's garden! While others are simply dangerous "I'm sure you'll never dare to bungee jump! I'm sure you wouldn't dare to shoot a can with a blindfold on!

You had to talk to your father before someone ended up getting hurt, but the discussion was not easy.

"Dad, please stop with the challenges, someone will get hurt.

-But it's so that your partner sees that I'm a cool person!

-Oh… no. No, Dad, stop it. I think I'd rather you two didn't get along than see you bungee jumping off the mansion roof."

After much discussion you finally convince him to stop making dangerous challenges. However, Ethan is now challenging your partner to darts, so you console yourself with the fact that it's relatively less dangerous than shooting a gun blindly.

Neil :

Neil wishes he could convince you that you deserve better than your partner but he won't because he already knows that this will make you angry and Neil wants to keep a good relationship with you, even if he finds your partner stupid.

Your father therefore makes an effort to be nice to him. However, your partner is still afraid of your father. Neil has not hesitated to tell him about all the fights he has been involved in during his long life. Your partner thinks that these are thinly veiled death threats, but you don't believe it at all. You know that if your father wanted to threaten your partner he would clearly do so.

So at the beginning, the relationship between them is really not easy. Your partner clearly doesn't trust your father and your father tries to be in the same room with your partner as little as possible. You end up having to talk to your father to ask him to make an effort.

"You could try talking to him a bit, couldn't you?

-I greeted him last night when he joined us in the lounge.

-I know, I saw. But try to have a real discussion with him.

-But he's an idiot.

-How can you know he's an idiot when you haven't spoken to him?

-It's his face, I can tell. I'm sure he doesn't even speak Latin!

-Nobody speaks Latin anymore, Dad! Not for years."

You talked for a long time until Neil finally agreed to spend some time with your partner. He only does it because he knows it will please you, but little by little he has to admit that he likes him a bit, of course he still thinks he's stupid, but much less than he feared.

#Moonlight lovers #Moonlight lovers Vladimir #Moonlight lovers Beliath #Moonlight lovers Ivan #Moonlight lovers Aaron #Moonlight lovers Raphael #Moonlight lovers Ethan #Moonlight lovers Neil

[pourcap]

thoughts: pg chapter 18

starting this chapter off with damen being annoyed at getting interrupted while kissing laurent... i get it

He’d been kissing Laurent and that should not be interrupted. His eyes returned warmly, possessively to their object: Laurent looked like any young man who has been pressed against a battlement and kissed. The slight disturbance of the hair at Laurent’s nape was wonderful. His hand had lain there. man, he's so into laurent, and i feel like he'll only get worse (read: more horny) from here

'I’m not here for you,’ said Jord. oh wow i haven't really gotten used to that change in tone just yet. i get it obv bc it's clear that damen being who he is was always going to be a problem, but i liked jord and damen being friendly with each other so hopefully they'll be okay soon :')

god, this is tense. i'm scared jord will tell laurent who damen is :(

'Here to warn me about the dangers of making command decisions in bed?’ Laurent said. god, he is such an ass. it's insane to me how he was so sweet with damen mere moments ago, just to turn into everything people say about him a second later. (also, i wonder what laurent thinks about getting caught kissing damen. is he embarrassed to be seen doing something so intimate? is he just as annoyed as damen about the interruption?)

'While we compare notes on spreading for the enemy?’ said Laurent. GOD. i get laurent is pissed at jord but is it really a good idea to antagonize one of his most loyal men???

Damen passed a hand over his face. Everyone in the fort was coming to the section he had ordered cleared. i can't believe he's just as annoyed/anxious about the interrupted kiss and the suddenly distant laurent as the fact that jord knows who he is

Like an archer fixing on his target, Laurent said precisely, deliberately, ‘Aimeric.’ Damen turned. Laurent’s eyes were on Jord, and Damen saw in a rush from Jord’s expression that Laurent was right, and of course it was for Aimeric’s sake that Jord had come here. noooo way. no way. noooooo waaayyyy. jord ily but you are an idiot

i can't believe jord is defending aimeric...????

'Jord,’ said Laurent, ‘this is why he fucked you. This moment.' that was probably one of the most brutal things laurent has ever said. my heart literally sank when i read this sentence. jesus christ. i am speechless.

... laurent's mood right now is really something

Laurent’s face was perfectly smooth, his blue eyes cool and untouchable. Damen felt himself recoil slightly from that callous look, the surprise of it. He realised that he had fallen out of step with Laurent at some crucial point. He wanted to send everyone away, so that he could find his way back. :( yeah i feel like someone needs to knock some sense back into laurent and if anyone's capable of doing that it's definitely damen

'Then by all means,’ said Laurent, ‘let us have justice. Since you’re both so eager for it. Drag Aimeric away from his admirers. Bring him to me in the south tower. Let us have everything out in the open.' yeah honestly this seems like the worst possible idea ever (*chuckles* i'm in danger meme)

'What are you doing?’ he said. ‘When I said there should be justice for Aimeric, I meant later, not now, when you’re . . .’ He searched Laurent’s face. ‘When we . . .' I LOVE DAMEN. love him. looooove him. so much. i love him

Laurent said, ‘If Jord wants to get down on his knees for Aimeric, he should know exactly who he’s crawling for.' ok so i'm pretty sure laurent knows more than everyone else (as usual)

(...) His sense of danger, highly attuned to Laurent’s moods, told him that Aimeric was better off downstairs with a half dozen men than he was up here with Laurent. Laurent’s lids were smooth over a cool gaze, his posture straight-backed, his fingers poised on the rim of the goblet. yup i'd rather die than talk to laurent in this mood lol. the way he's described in that paragraph sends a chill down my spine :)))

When he closed his eyes, he felt how it might have happened: slowly, Laurent’s mouth opening, Laurent’s hands lifting hesitantly to touch his body. He would have been careful, so careful. damen is seriously fantasizing about kissing right now... i can't believe him

'The loving reunion,’ said Laurent. god, he can be such an asshole.

'(...) Not like you. Spreading for your brother isn’t the same thing as family loyalty.' in case anyone was wondering: i still hate aimeric :)

He stood, the goblet hanging casually from his fingertips. He regarded Aimeric a moment. Then he changed his grip on the goblet, lifted it, and brought it with calm brutality in a backhanded blow across Aimeric’s face. ouch

i have to preface what i am about to say by saying i really love jord but holy shit can he please shut up? even aimeric's dumbfounded

(...) There was disbelief in Laurent’s expression too, but it was colder, more fundamental. It took Damen a moment to understand why. Uneasiness swept over him as he looked from Laurent’s face to Aimeric’s, and realised suddenly and for the first time how close Laurent and Aimeric were in age. (...) ... i think i know what's going on and once again, i hope i'm wrong.

(...) 'But it’s not his family he’s fighting for.' god.

'(...) How old were you when you fucked my uncle?' i am going to throw up. seriously.

Damen went still, everything in the tower went very still, as Laurent said, ‘Were you old enough to come?’ (...) ‘Did he tell you you’d be together again, if you’d just do this one thing? Did he tell you how much he missed you?' sorry for making you read this again but i can't believe no one in vere knew what was going on when laurent says things like this and very clearly knows exactly how his uncle manages to manipulate all of these children.

'You’re wrong about us! He loves me!' i can't believe i'm sad for aimeric out of all people now

'My uncle is discriminating. Not like Jord,’ said Laurent, ‘who’ll take a middle-aged man’s sloppy seconds and treat it like it’s worth something.' oh my god.

Damen said, ‘That’s enough.' thank you damen ilysm

'You cold-blooded son of a bitch,’ Jord said to Laurent. His voice was shaky. Laurent rounded on him, deliberately. ‘And then of course,’ said Laurent, ‘there’s you.' honestly, laurent is absolutely terrifying like this. he's giving me one of those super fun anxiety stomach aches

'No,’ said Damen, stepping between them. His eyes were on Laurent. His voice was hard. ‘Get out,’ Damen said to Jord. It was a flat order. He didn’t turn around to look at Jord to see whether or not his order had been obeyed. To Laurent, in the same voice, he said, ‘Calm down.' man, i genuinely love damen's no-bullshit-attitude and that he doesn't hesitate to call laurent out bc CLEARLY laurent needs someone like that

Laurent gave him the kind of look a swordsman gives as he decides whether or not to slice his unarmed enemy in half. ‘Are you going to try it with me? Or do you only take pleasure in attacking those who cannot defend themselves?' i know this isn't even close to romantic but <3 !!! <3 !!! i love damen SO much <3 (also, laurent looking at him like this makes me so sad because they were kissing!!! and now laurent is full of rage and pain caused by his trauma. just, fuck the regent)

(...) 'I remember the last time you were like this. You blundered so badly you gave your uncle the excuse he needed to have you stripped of your lands.' he's right! and so smart! and honest! i love him!

i feel so bad for laurent :(

this chapter is seriously messing me up

Laurent spoke without turning around. His voice was unpleasantly precise. ‘What you are saying is that when I lose control, I make mistakes. My uncle knows that, of course. It would have been an amusing pleasure for him to send Aimeric to work against me, you’re right. You, with your barbaric attitudes, your brutish, domineering arrogance, are always right.' i am about to cry. all of this is so horrible.

i hate the regent so much i can't even express how badly i want him to die the slowest, most painful death

anyway, this chapter was probably one of the most painful things i have ever read :')

#it took me AGES to finally get back to reading i had so much work to do #i hate being 25 #i want to be 17 and spend all day reading and crying about it on the intenet #ANYWAY

[all-about-seggs]

Ardent Affections :

Pairing : Timeskip + Virgin! Sakusa Kiyoomi x Female reader

Rating : 18+, Explicit

Word count : 3k

Warnings : Smut and fluff (and holy shit I ended up including a bit of angst) , Loss of virginity, blow job, fingering, vaginal sex, established relationships.

A/n: I prefer dirtier side of Smuts but this was as far as I could go with Saku sooooo I hope my fluffy smut isn't cringey >.<.

Putting the plum filled onigiri in the clean plastic container, you give it another look over to make sure it's tidy enough, afterall, the person you made this for was nothing if not picky. But, you also knew he loved umeboshi, so after a few successful weeks of your relationship with Sakusa, you went ahead and bought more than enough dried plums to practice making something he won't be able to refuse. It didn't take long to reach the gym he was practicing at, with lunch time approaching, he'd be on his break too, giving you the perfect chance to have some alone time.

One would think, that no boyfriend would refuse their significant other's cooking but falling in love with him as well as dating him made you realise it wasn't the status quo. He was, at the very least, peculiar. Always on his own, Sakusa never felt the need to be involved with a lot of people, ironical as it may be for someone who played a team sport, his idiosyncrasies made it hard for most people to get close to him. That's why the sight of a cluster of high shool girls flocking your boyfriend, to give him their handmade goods was comical yet unsettling.

It wasn't something you got jealous at, but it's something that made you second guess yourself instead, whenever the thought of making him something pooped in your head, this same scene played infront of your eyes. Sakusa surrounded by a bunch of girls with heart eyes, wanting to give him stuff. On the verge of losing his polite demeanor, Sakusa almost gave them a taste of his blunt indifference if it weren't for some faculty member intervening. Today was the same.

With the perfect excuse, he pulled himself away from the group and sauntered towards you, eye twitching with a look that screamed ' I saw you having fun on my expense'. You quickly pulled yourself out of the gloomy thoughts and greeted him with your regular smile.

" I didn't wanted to disturb your fan meet", the cheeky tone in your voice added to his annoyance.

" I assure you that you didn't, besides you know I don't like hand made stuff ", he grumbled, voice carrying the regular icky note you were used to but it caused the dull ache in your heart grew. Before you could answer, you saw Bokuto running towards your direction, making you jump with his boisterous greeting,

" HEY! Y/n chan!... Are you gonna join us for lunch as well ?", The look in his face was as cute as his voice which was cutoff by Sakusa's cold one,

" No. I don't like the places you go to eat. Also, I'm done for today so we have no reason to stay.", Curt and to the point, Sakusa answered him and gestured you with his eyes to follow him instead.

" Geez, it's like he can never let loose!, Y/n chan! You should ask him to open up more!", pouting, the energetic male glared at Sakusa's retreating form.

"Ummm, Sorry Bokuto! He still doesn't know how to..... People? I guess? But he's trying! I know he is! So don't worry... We'll catch up with you guys sometime else okay?", With a slight bow, you trailed after your boyfriend, leaving a deflated Bokuto behind.

As you walked behind him, you thought about the first time the both of you met, he didn't even looked at you properly before leaving just like he was right now, about how you had to put your feelings out in the open first so that he'd finally notice them, how, for the last few days your garbage can only had dozens of messed up onigiri, and how the lunch you packed was getting colder by the minute as it layed still in your bag.

You were lost in thought for the rest of the way, he wasn't one to talk much but your constant silence was not something that often happened. Still not being used to initiating small talks, all he could do was gaze at the dazed look on your face.

The two of you made your way back to his apartment that the sports facility provided the players. You had been here a couple of times before but never long enough to actually call it 'staying over'.

" Why are we at your place?", You quietly ask, making him pause before speaking.

" I did say I was done with practice for the day", opening the front door he ushered you in. It was unsurprisingly neat, the entrance not having any useless items, infact everything in his place had a purpose or use.

It was a big step, him letting anyone in his personal space, considering his high maintenance personality you thought he'd dip you in a bucket of sanitizer everyday but he was a lot more chill when you both take your respective baths. He still goes in first.

The moment you stepped outside the bathroom, you saw a nervous looking Sakusa was sitting on the edge of his bed.

" Did you really wanted to have lunch with those guys?", His abrupt question caught you off guard, so apparently he took your silencein the wrong way, but it still warmed your heart to know he noticed and cared enough to talk about it, albeit clumsily.

" Is that why you think I was quite on our way here?", The reply you gave made him avert his eyes, whether it was out of embarrassment or the awkwardness in the room, it didn't change the fact that your sudden change in behaviour was noted by your boyfriend.

" If you have something to say, then I want you to tell me, I'm afraid I won't know otherwise", Sakusa added, finally looking at you with his deadpan yet sharp look.

He was right, every couple needs to have proper communication in order for their relationship to succeed, so with that in mind you decided to tell him about what's bothering you.

Walking over to his side, you sat next to him,

" I made you lunch today, but when I saw you rejecting your fans gifts saying you don't like handmade stuff, it- bothered me.", Your reasoning might've been a little selfish, it's not like you wanted to force anything on him just because you were his girlfriend but the fear of getting rejected always made you hold back on so many things.

" So I didn't give it to you, and then I just started having a trail of depressing thoughts about how maybe I'm the only one who wants anything from this relationship, I mean we haven't even done anything more than kissing Kiyoomi.", To you, this confession was nothing more than the frustrations you've built up. He was silently listening as you went on, not interrupting until you were done.

" I see....", His soft baritone was laced I'm regret as he brought his hands to you head, gently combing the strands, " I'm sorry, I made you feel that way, it's obvious that both of us need to work on our communication skills but there is one thing you got wrong", saying that, his hand combing you hair pushed you forward until you were right in front of his glossy lips,

" It should go without saying that I wouldn't let you in here if I didn't loved you, and you wouldn't be in this bed either if I didn't wanted you.", By the end of his sentence, his hot mouth covered your in a demonically passionate kiss which was all teeth and tongue. It was probably your longest kiss as well, making you grip his shoulders so hard it would've probably left marks if it weren't for his taut musculature. You pressed you hands on his sculpted chest, feeling his nipples harden as you slowly run you thumbs over them. Sakusa pulled away from you to catch a few breaths, his lips shining with your mixed saliva.

" I've never done this before......", hesitation crossed his eyes which soon melted into a look of determination as he brought his face near yours.

"But if it's with you, I know I'll like it", he panted, pulling you on his lap to continue his ministrations from a more closer proximity. The uncharacteristically deep kiss encouraged your hands to roam around more, to feel all of his ripped form through the fabric of his thin shirt. Your hand grazed his crotch, this contact alone was enough to make him twitch, his virginity showing, the blush on his cheeks spreaded all the way to his neck.

The front of his shorts looked so strained,It was painfully clear how much his cock was begging for attention, so you pushed Sakusa back until he was lying flat on the bed, feet still on the floor. Searching his eyes for any objections, you pulled his waistband down to reveal his bulging member. It suited a big guy like him, his thick cock felt so hot and heavy in you hand it took everything in you to stop yourself from jumping on it right away.

" Hggg... Wait... It's-", his voiced carried more embarrassment than discomfort but you stopped nonetheless.

" Dirty?.....is that what you want to say?", questioningly, you looked at him from between his legs as he nodded.

" Well sex is better dirty but, I'll try not to make a mess okay?", With a wink you grabbed his shaft with one hand and took his tip in your mouth. The warm, wet insides of your mouth touching the sensitive head of his cock made him shudder in pleasure but he didn't make more than a hum. Maybe your boyfriend was still embarrassed but now that you finally get to go down on him, you made it a personal goal to hear his moans.

Detemined to hear his beautiful whimpers, you added pressure on his member through your tongue as you moved your lips up and down, swallowing him as much as you could. Droll dripping from the side of your mouth and his precum gave you enough lubrication to increase you pace, going harder and harder until you felt your teeth make contact with his sensitive shaft, that must've hurt, you thought but atleast it got a reaction out of him.

" AH-.....mmmhh Y/n damnit.....you're doing it too roughly", you heard him complain from above you,

" I just rough housed you a little..... Anyway, you can't blame a girl who's been abstaining herself from fucking her hot boyfriend ", with a pop you pulled him out of your mouth and looked up at the wide eyed Sakusa with an uncharacteristic boldness that even surprised you. Maybe it was because of the situation or because you two had a heart to heart conversation about your feelings just now but you felt oddly comfortable with him more than you ever did before. You knew he loved you enough to put up with anything you'd throw at him at his point, so why not push your luck?

"......well aren't you a vulgar little girl", regaining his composure, Sakusa propped himself on his elbows to give you his trademark deadpan look. You squeeze his balls teasingly in an attempt to rile him up further, his face contorts a little before he shoots you a glare.

" I'm going to make you regret that", with nothing more than a growl he grabbed your hand to make lie face down beside him, for a second you thought he'd spank you, but the moment you raised you head from the mattress to see what's going on, a big hand was on your head pushing your face down again, his other hand ghosting over the hem of your t-shirt.

" It's my turn now, so you better behave", emphasizing the behave he first pulled your shirt off of your shoulders, then swiftly getting rid of your pants. This was an interesting turn of event, just a moment ago your virgin boyfriend was squirming like a pathetic little boy but with just a little teasing made him switch into daddy mode, you'd be lying if you said it wasn't thrilling.

You laid there stark naked as you heard a few rustling sounds coming from behind, indicating Sakusa taking his cloths off. His long, deft fingers grabbed your hips, raising them a slightly off the surface of the mattress, the digits of his right hand crept near your dripping core as if wondering if he should touch you or not, you moved your hips closer so you could feel his touch but he retreated his hand, only to pinch one of your butt cheek. The tease.

" If you're expecting me to eat you out too then keep dreaming..... but since I made you wait so long, I'll give you something else today", his matter of fact tone was even as he traced two long fingers up your slit taking in all of your juices, he pushed them inside your aching pussy. His thick digits rubbing your walls made you moan in the pillow, with his thumb he started rubbing your engorged clit. His actions were not exactly gentle but you didn't wanted them to be either, you wanted him to pound you into the mattress so bad but maybe it was asking too much from someone inexperienced.

" You like this right?", It wasn't exactly a question, as his increased his speed, with his free hand he pinched your ass again leaving small red marks in the fleshy patch of skin. Your first orgasm in so many weeks approached you with an intense force, making you buck you hips in Sakusa's hand. Just as your pussy started clenching around the fingers that was inside it, he withdrew his hand leaving you with a strange sense of emptiness.

" Not so fast y/n, it's more efficient it we cum together, besides I know you want more than just my fingers", his voice carrying the cockiness of someone far more experienced but you can't complain, for both his actions and words were easily bringing you closer to the edge. Ignoring the stickiness of his fingers he lightly massaged your butt cheeks before kneeling right behind them. The sight of your flushed, naked body was enough to get him going, something that he dare not admit.

From the corner of your eye, you saw him opening his bedside drawer to retrieve a condom. Well, atleast one of you were prepared for this, just as he finished putting on the thin protection, he asked you,

" I'm putting it in y/n", he didn't make it sound like a question but it wasn't until you nodded in approval, that he moved. Groaning lightly, Sakusa entered you inch by inch, making the process as slow as possible so could clearly feel the delicious stretch his thick cock provided. You were already panting by the time he bottomed out in you, as he started moving his hips you rolled yours to match his pace, creating a steady rhythm.

Both your pants and body were in sync, building up pleasure that soon reached its peak, the roll of your hips and the sound of his name from your mouth urged him to take a hold of your hips and drive his pulsating member further into your cunt. He felt your walls clenching around him when your body experienced the well awaited orgasm, quivering beneath him like. The sudden pressure added on to his cock made your boyfriend follow right after. The both of you were still riding your high when he lowered his torso on to your back, sweat slicked bodies on top of each other, you wondered what kind of face he would be making right about now. Hoping it wasn't one of disgust, you turned your face to the side, his endearing curls tickling your ears as he kept his nose buried in the nape of your neck.

There was a serene quality to the room where the two of you laid still until Sakusa got up abruptly, you knew that it was bath time even before he uttered anything.

" Let's eat", his soft voice seemed almost like a whisper which was confusing and astonishing at the same time when he tossed one towel to you and quickly wiped himself with the other.

Making quick work of the cleaning, you both went to the living room where you pulled out the bento box from your bag. It felt cold against your hand but this time it didn't make you sad because now you were sure that the person next to you wouldn't reject it.

Opening the box, you noticed they got a little crushed, probably because of you tossing your bag aside dejectedly when you first arrived, the previously well made onigiri lost their original shape but you hoped they tasted the same.

Gingerly showing him the box you thought about quickly explaining it's condition and telling him about how you made it in the most hygienic way possible for a human but the words died in your mouth when Sakusa briskly took one piece out and munched on the distorted rice ball. You watched him chew, waiting became too nerve-racking so you blurted, " How is it Kiyoomi?!", Talk about putting pressure on a guy but it didn't deter him from telling you the truth.

" It's good", the simple reply he gave was the best, you thought, his words were never grandiose, just to the point that's what made you believe them everytime he decides to be honest with you.

"Next time...", He mumbled in between his increasing breaths and tinted cheeks,"Lets make it together".

#Haikyuu #haikyuu smut #haikyuu!! #haikyū!! #hq #hq imagines #haikyuu season 4 #haikyuu s4 #Sakusa #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa x reader #haikyuu Sakusa #Sakusa kiyoomi x reader #haikyuu x reader #smut #sakusa smut #x reader #haikyuu sakusa kiyoomi #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu scenarios

[elriel-oblivion]

So it's been four days so here's part two 😁 Just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone who read/liked/commented/reblogged the last part! It was such an amazing response, especially given it was my first time posting my writing here, so thanks for all the love you shared 🥰🥰

Heads up, this part is actually part one from Elain's pov. Initially I wanted to continue from where the last part left off in Elain's pov, but as I was writing the background, I realised I'd written too much to just skip when Az gets to the estate and cut straight into a continuation of part one, so I ended up rewriting the whole thing in her view. So there's no new elriel moments, but you'll get a lot of new stuff anyway 😅 I would've said you don't have to read this part to understand part three, but when I was rereading the later parts a few hours ago, I realised there's some stuff that alludes to things in this part, so I strongly recommend you don't skip this 😅😅

Also, wow, some of my fave paragraphs I've ever written are in this part 😁 Bonus points if you can find them; there are four I'm thinking of in particular 😉

Word count: ~ 3.1K. Lemme know if you'd like to be tagged/removed 😊 Next part up in two or three days 😊

AO3

Ashes from the Deep

Part II

__

It had been a pretty uneventful day as Elain worked through her new plant textbook. Feyre and Rhysand had decided to spend the weekend away at the mountain cabin, Cassian and Nesta were away doing things she wished not to think of, and Mor was at the Winter Court.

Amren had only been round in the mornings, probably to check Elain was still alive. She'd glance round the living room, examine some of those fine crystal glasses in the display cabinet and then leave. There was no difference today, though Elain always felt Amren's scrutiny upon her even when that muted silver gaze was directed elsewhere; perusing Rhys' wine collection had become a tired ruse.

So besides preparing and taking her meals with Nuala and Cerridwen, Elain had spent her afternoon with her book, making notes and copying drawings. The twins had gone off on some errands, so she'd wandered into the garden at some point to tend to her many plants, telling them how lovely they each were. The crocuses looked particularly stunning this autumn day, their pale violet colour breathing life into the shades beneath some of the trees.

With her book, she'd identified new weeds, digging into the soil to rip some pesky ones out. Sometimes she didn't want the help of a tool; sometimes she needed to feel those roots on her bare skin.

Harvesting the carrots and beetroot was also on the agenda today, along with seeding for some spectacular displays next year. She'd been collecting the seeds from some of her summer blooms, like those soft clouds of baby's breath, saving them to replant. These she sowed directly into ground she'd prepared days before, her fingers digging into the crumbly clumps of earth.

Autumn onions she'd plant tomorrow, perhaps. Feyre always remarked on how their strong taste complimented meats well, so Elain wanted to harvest some fresh for her sister for once. It'd take a few months of waiting, but there was little else better than picking out and eating food one had grown with their bare hands and the essential ingredients of love and care.

Setting her book on the patio table, Elain surveyed the garden. It was a good day's work. Plants watered and sown, weeds uprooted, and hands sweaty and soiled, Elain was proud of what she'd achieved today. There were no distractions, nothing to take her from the one thing she always found satisfaction in.

After a long shower, she found herself back in the garden with a cup of tea and a blanket. The sunset washed the sky in a blaze of red and orange glory before it yielded to the cool tones of twilight then night. Elain sat in silence, hands wrapped around her mug. How long would it be until someone's arms were wrapped around her, until she felt the warmth her sisters finally had?

Silly, these thoughts. Immortality stretched far ahead, there would be time to develop that companionship. Months and years were but a heartbeat in the life of a High Fae. She wouldn't even notice the years pass.

Or so everybody else kept saying.

With her tea finished, she perused the book of recipes she'd borrowed from Nuala. Some recipes jumped out, ingredients for which she'd been growing for a few months now. Pumpkin pie sounded especially delightful, the gourd having almost darkened and hardened to ripe quality just a couple days ago. They should be ready for harvest tomorrow.

A chill wind sent Elain inside to prepare and have her dinner in pleasant silence. Even her mind was quiet tonight. After washing her dishes, she stood by a bay window, fingers idly tapping the windowsill.

Faelights bobbed like tiny lamps, dotted through the garden. The full moon was now high in the sky, its ghostly glow illuminating the datura flowers she'd seeded half a year ago. She pulled on her blanket and went out again for a better look at those gorgeous blooms, the petals opening only at night.

Elain couldn't be happier she'd found seeds of a triple-flowered variety. They'd grown to produce large trumpets, three layers of petals ruffled against each other. Somehow she thought of her sisters as she crouched and stared at the flowers, each layer so similar, yet fighting for space and breath as it unfurled before another. It was only when they were all fully open that they could sigh along the night breeze as one, an ethereal song of togetherness, tinged with notes of poignancy, only heard by those with the will to look deeper.

The white petals were stained with velvet violet, a true vision in her garden. While the others had given her passing compliments on the flowers, Azriel had seemed stunned the first time he saw them, citing them his favourite of all the plants Elain had grown so far. Something about their shape and contrasting colours, he'd mentioned.

She smiled fondly at the memory, where his eyes sparkled as he reached for one of the soft petals.

Her hand lashed out to grab his wrist. 'Don't touch them; the leaves and stems are highly poisonous.'

His brows rose. 'You wouldn't think that at first sight. But they're beautiful, Elain. Truly magnificent,' he said, his smooth voice so low, a voice that was night given sound. And how befitting, as even those datura flowers seemed enraptured by his presence, one shy petal finally unfurling towards him.

She beamed at him. 'They like you. Flowers like it when you talk to and compliment them - but these ones haven't given me the same reaction as they have to you. I think they really like you, Azriel.'

His answering smile was heartbreakingly tender.

A few more seconds passed before she realised she still held his wrist. She silently let go.

It was a shame she'd have to dig out the datura shrub and move it inside for the winter; it did look magnificent in the moonlight.

The sky shifted past its midnight velvet, and still Elain crouched, admiring the flowers. She shivered in the night's chill. The stars above twinkled and glistened, cold and distant as ever, yet stunning - infinitely more striking than they'd ever been when she was human. A thousand different colours sparkled in that vast expanse, the moon a phosphorescent queen in the centre of her court.

The Night Court truly lived up to its name in the wee hours of the day. Its opulence never failed to mesmerise her; the enhanced Fae eyesight was at least one thing she was grateful for from this body.

Her eyelids became heavy and she yawned. Why was she still out here? It was late into the night; she should be in bed by now. But the night was so beautiful and it was so quiet and she wanted to appreciate it all just once. Just once without the expectations of others, without having to wear that miserable smile all the time.

Of course, it didn't look miserable, which is probably why almost nobody ever bothered to look deeper into Elain. She should be used to it by now, but it still felt - wrong. That most overlooked her so long as she wore a smile. That most didn't think her capable of feeling the utter bitterness and loneliness she had once seen so plain on her sisters' faces.

And in acknowledgement of her sisters' hardships, Elain didn't fault them for not looking, for not seeing her. To see past the thick blanket of darkness in one's own mind was a trial in itself. But it had been years since the war now. And still they didn't notice.

They didn't notice that Elain was being shredded from the inside out.

It was almost laughable. But not funny enough.

No, it was not funny that people still treated Elain like a child, that people wanted to keep Elain in some weird impasse of a stage between child and adult. She'd thought finally carrying out her duty and giving her hand in marriage would show everyone that she was growing up: Elain Archeron, middle born but first married. Of course it was still on her own terms, to a man whom she'd loved. A man who'd seen her through the rubble of her family's lives. But she'd overall hoped doing what was expected of her would be enough.

Clearly not. She didn't even know who she was any more. Did she ever? Everything she'd once yearned for, gone. That fragile human life would soon be just a speck on the horizon of her past.

She sighed. Rebuilding herself was going to take a long time.

But what would she have to do for people to see her, to listen to her? Throw a rage? Fall into a drunken stupor and break a few dozen bottles?

She definitely could, but those were not her. She was Elain Archeron. And so she would wait. Patience wasn't a bad thing at all; she saw it on the shadowsinger's face all the time, that tranquility and calmness she so wished to feel inside.

Azriel. Her heart softened as he entered her mind again, and she dug her fingers into the soil, if only to occupy her fidgety hands. As sure as the chaos of her visions these days, there was a mess of butterflies related to him she wasn't willing to show. Or understand.

Elain and the spymaster? Now that was laughable. Truly laughable. He was wise and patient, while she - well, everyone already thought her a child, and though he listened like no other around her, surely even he couldn't glimpse the adult she so desperately wanted everyone to see.

No, it was foolish to entertain the idea of a relationship with him. No matter how much he saw.

No matter that he was the first to see her since Graysen.

Elain exhaled. She stifled another yawn, smoothing out the soil, then brushed her hands clean. She wrapped the blanket closer around herself and stood. Twinkling stars and velvety darkness and -

There, a knot of shadows materialising at the far edge of the garden, collecting and swirling into a larger mass before Azriel himself stepped out and sagged against a tree. His shadows whirled and obscured him, a dark fire with him burning at the core.

Elain's voice left her throat before she even thought to call him and she ran over to his figure slumped in the dimness.

She couldn't help but say his name again as she neared. 'Azriel!'

Those beautiful hands fiddled with a Siphon, but he looked even worse up close. Fatigue dragged at his body, a second weight to all the muscle and armour he already had to carry. Sweat and dirt clung to him, his hair. At least the shadows were parting, swallowing each other and misting away as they often did around her. Perhaps she should ask someday why they did that. But not today, not when his breathing was so laboured.

She raised a hand - to do what, she had no idea. She couldn't just touch him right now. 'You don't look okay.'

Something else limned his features as he huffed a light laugh and said, 'I'm fine, don't worry.' His voice was raw, so starkly different to its usual icy smoothness. It was common for him to guard his emotions, but in his state, this kind of thinking was just unhealthy. What would it take for him to be honest with her?

'You don't have to pretend with me, Azriel,' she said, lowering her hand. She studied the ground, embarrassed that she'd come up to him. What could she even offer in her pathetic childlike state when he was so clearly affected by his mission right now?

His hand rose. Her heart faltered, she had to do something, and she blurted, 'Can I wash your hair, please?'

His eyes widened, his entire composure crumbling. It wasn't often that the shadowsinger looked startled, but Elain was far too shy to show that she quite liked the effect her question had on him.

'You want to wash my hair?'

His face was so exquisite, it hurt to look at it. His eyes would be even worse; it wouldn't be the first time she was rendered speechless by their kind gaze. A myriad of colours swirled in their glistening depths - gorgeous greens and brilliant browns, all so natural and rich, if only she could look at them long enough to find their matches in the garden around her. Though, his eyes were an entire spectrum of colour in their own right. How would she ever pick out each and every shade?

And if she somehow did have the courage to meet his eyes now, what would she see of herself in their reflection?

A lovesick puppy? A doe-eyed, fearful fawn?

No, she didn't want to know.

So she swallowed and focused on his hair. Perhaps this Fae eyesight was a curse, for even his hair was shockingly fascinating. Only flat black from a distance, the faelights bobbing about the trees highlighted layer upon layer of silky raven locks up close. His hair was so dark it seemed to absorb the surrounding light. Mud stained one side of his head, and it was an effort to keep her hands from brushing it away, so she said, 'I'm positive that's mud and you shouldn't sleep with that in your hair. It'll only take a few minutes.'

He ran a hand through his hair, clumps of dirt falling out.

'You've managed to get some on your face, too.' There were light specks of mud and blood across his face, a more noticeable patch along his cheekbone, thrown into sharper relief by the faelights and his own weariness. Was that a cut beneath the patch? And another on his temple?

She leashed her arms.

What had happened? He wore the signs of a fight, but why would he come here when he knew Elain was the only one home?

His eyes bored into her face, but she refused to meet them. He seemed to lean forward then, stumbling.

Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous that he wouldn't even acknowledge he was in need. Azriel rarely stumbled. Any fatigue Elain had felt just a while ago was now burrowing down a little longer. Her voice was firm when she spoke. 'I'm washing your hair. It'll help relax you into falling asleep.'

His brows rose, but if Elain stood there one more moment she wouldn't have the courage to do anything for him. For herself - she could take care of someone else. She could do for Azriel what she hadn't done for Feyre all those years as a human.

And for Azriel, she could tend to the male who'd provided her with comfort and safety in this world of distress and danger.

So she pulled him along, clenching her jaw and refusing to look back. Her heart hammered in her chest but she continued, hand wrapped round his armoured arm. Her hand slid down to his wrist but just as she was about to replace her grip, he grabbed her other hand and pulled her into him.

The shadows instantly began to ensconce them, dozens of those cool tendrils twining like vines. The estate loomed huge before them, and Elain gripped Azriel's hand tighter. 

'My bathroom,' she said. Beneath the low whisper of those shadows, her blood thrummed, her heart so painfully obvious against her ribs now. It would be a wonder if the spymaster wasn't aware of it. Though she did hear another flutter above, right by her ear. But as expected, the shadows made quick work of their journey and she didn't have the chance to dwell on it further.

Now out of the comfort of Azriel's hold, Elain set down her blanket and made to grab a chair from her bedroom. His dark presence was so overwhelming that she exhaled lightly as she entered the room and took the chair. She dragged it to the sink, avoiding his gaze, and pulled a towel, soap and a large jug from the cupboard by the door.

As she settled the soap and jug on the sink, she dared a glance at him. He was still clad in full armour, those black scales gleaming like obsidian over his skin, his Siphons glistening jewels across his body. 'I think you'll have to collapse your armour for this,' she said.

He inclined his head and tapped a Siphon, those scales lashing back into each other with cruel elegance. They were a mirror of their master: cold, controlled and unyielding, forged from scintillating darkness. He was a night sky riddled with stars; light existed if only one bothered to look for it.

Azriel's great wings righted themselves as he stood straight, now looking smaller in just his black tunic and trousers. Something about him seemed vulnerable without the armour, so Elain breathed, 'It's beautiful, all of it.' The hulking armour, the classic simplicity of the tunic and trousers, and the male who wore them all.

He was just so wonderful, Azriel. An enigma that could see her own. Her heart clenched.

Azriel rustled his wings, colour blossoming on his cheeks.

Elain blinked and pulled the chair out a little. 'Please sit.' As he sunk down, she rested the towel on his shoulders, hovering her fingers above his forehead. Her body tensed and her fingers remained suspended. It was like a spark of tension flickered in the space between their skin, teasing her, tempting her, taunting her.

After all, she'd offered to wash his hair, an act that would certainly require touching. But why was she so hesitant? She'd touched him before - kissed his cheek, even. Although that had been in the heat of adrenaline, a mark of her gratitude where a simple thank you wouldn't suffice, not for risking his own life for hers.

This was - what was this?

She finally lowered her fingers through that tense spark, pushing his head back against the sink. It was exhilarating, this contact, but he lowered his wings, shifting on the seat. Elain moved into the space he gave, turning on the tap as he went still. Just as her body was taut, taut as the skin of a drum.

She checked the water. Warm. It was time to start.

Azriel was looking up at her. Something like yearning swirled in his eyes.

He looked so tired. It made her heart ache.

'You can close your eyes,' Elain whispered. And he did.

___

Feedback's welcomed; thanks for reading 😊

If anyone wants to know what the datura flowers look like, CTTO:

@illyrian-lover-flower @julesherondalex @nooriee @mis-lil-red @verifiefangirl @tswaney17

#elain archeron #azriel #elain x azriel #elriel #acotar

[sweet-cynical-writer]

Author's Notes: On top of not writing as frequently, I wrote two fics. This one will be the sequel to the previous fic, “I couldn't care less.” I haven't written this much before but it likely won't happen again anytime soon.

Genre: Fluff

Word count: 1.7k

Additional Notes: Another thank you to @soukokuwu for proofreading! I'm not used to anything more than 500 words so the help is appreciated!

Fresh air and a clear sky.

You can already feel that today was going to be better than yesterday. What’s more, you were on your way to your favourite little flower shop in the corner of the city near the bay. You were planning to surprise your sweet new boyfriend with this spontaneous gift of a bouquet.

With a little hop in your steps, you made your way down the all-too-familiar stone pavement. Once in, your eyes sparkled at the sight of red camellias. It was perfect to express your desired message: “forever mine”. 

You were about to reach out for it when someone else’s hand bumped yours. You drew yours back and apologised out of instinct, thinking you must’ve upset them.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't see you—"

Your heart skipped a beat the moment your gaze flicked up to meet the man in question. The surprise you felt made you take a few steps back. But then a comforting voice played in your head.

“Hey, don’t worry okay? If you ever feel panicked just imagine me beside you, holding your hand, just like this—” you felt a warmth around your palms— “and then take a minute to collect your thoughts before saying anything.”

He was your saviour in more ways than one, really. His words only reminded you of how patient he was. Kind, caring. A vast difference to how your old relationship was. You were better now. Way better than before. But now you found yourself looking your past in the eye, in its — Dazai’s — chocolate brown eyes. 

The corners of your mouth upturned into a sweet smile, and now it was his turn to flinch.

"It's alright. I was only looking. I don't really have flowers to buy anyone." 

What was this ache in his chest? And why did it only appear the moment he saw you? You were just another woman on his list, just another number he conquered. So why was he feeling bitter now that you seemed… happy without him?

The silence that surrounded you two was unnerving. It had been quite some time since you broke up, since he broke your heart. But thinking of the days that came after that — it was good. Life had been good to you. You had spent a huge fraction of your time bawling over him, until you realised it just wasn’t fair. How could it be when you could spend all that time to better yourself rather than being miserable over that bastard?

"I heard from Atsushi that you're doing well. I'm guessing you found some happiness after all?" The way he said it — so pointedly, sharp, leaving no room for negotiation. Much like pointing a dagger to your throat. It was a rhetorical question. Dazai already knew. He always knew.

But no, this time, you weren’t going to let him have the upper hand. You weren’t going to let him bask in the glory of steering everything in his direction. No, this time, you knew who you were. After all, your boyfriend’s words kept ringing in your head. No more grudges, no more spite. 

"I took time to myself and found my footing again. Atsushi told me you haven't been doing too well.. is everything okay, Osamu?"

For a moment you thought you saw a hint of malice in those dark brown eyes. 

"Everything fell apart after losing you. I tried to fill the hole inside me that you once filled so perfectly. And so sweetly too. I never realized how much you meant to me until you stopped calling out to me one day."

There he goes again, using such honeyed words to cast another spell on your fragile heart. Or rather, your once fragile heart. But not anymore. Part of you would always care for and love Dazai. But your intimate love for him ran dry like a dozen roses left out in the hot sun to wither.

And he could tell. He always could. He knew how your love for him, what he thought he had control over forever, was gone. He knew, just from your gaze, how you were looking at him like an old friend, nothing more. And the next few words that fell out of your rosy lips hurt him like thorns in his heart. 

"I'm so sorry you're not well, Dazai. Truly I am. But I found happiness and I really hope you’ll find yours. Besides, you're free now. I really hope you’ll find it."

His happiness after you had been short-lived. After only a few parties did he notice how much he missed you. The way you would pick him up after he had a drunken night out, and cooked him hot meals to wake up to. Those light feathered kisses you trailed along his neck to gingerly rouse him from his slumber. 

"Well, maybe you could embrace freedom with me sometime?" 

It felt satisfying to have Dazai being so smitten towards you. Where Dazai used to always rule your heart, it was now only filled with your boyfriend. An image of crimson locks flashed in your mind and with a deep smile you shook your head, picking up the bouquet of camellias to leave.

But a sudden embrace from behind stopped you in your tracks. 

"Let me at least see you again."

You knew what the old you would think. She would be anxious, questioning everything, each possibility. Things like: should you keep in contact with your ex even though it’d create problems with your current boyfriend? She’d think there was a chance that Dazai had changed for the better. But she’d also have to consider if he was just manipulating her. And that if he was, she’d lose Chuuya. She’d think that she could end up all alone again. She’d shiver at the thought of that. 

But the current you? The one Chuuya loved with every fibre of his being? He loved you strong, he made you whole again when you never thought it could be possible. And you loved him all the same.

When he caught on that you weren’t moving, Dazai released his grasp on you. Did he scare you? Was it too much? 

"Hey.. are you okay—"

You pulled away and turned to face him. “Be brave, stand tall, but most importantly, don't lose control.” Chuuya's words rang in your head and you regained composure.

"You know.. it's funny how you miss me more than you could ever love me, Dazai. I may have forgiven you in order to move on.. but I did it for me, not you. I'm happier with Chuuya now. You had that chance already."

The tears were building up in your eyes and you had to turn away to not let him see. You didn’t want him to misunderstand. This was just the closure you never got, the hurt you never got to feel when he so abruptly left you. He would see this as an opening, not a close. He would try to snake his way back into your life, and you didn’t want that.

With that, you forced your legs to move forward, to move away from him. To move on from your past. It was hard — to say goodbye to someone who had once meant so much to you. That would explain the constriction in your chest, making it hard to breathe. But you knew that better things would be coming. And that made it easier.

***

A few minutes away from the flower shop — there he was, waiting for you by a bench. Right on time, never late. It was a small gesture to many, but to you it meant the world. He was a busy man, a Port Mafia executive, and yet the one person he would turn the world over for — it would only be you.

You ran over to him, your hands wrapped around his neck and his own snaked around your waist. You caught a whiff of the sweet cologne you had gifted him as a present after the first month together. This familiarity, this comfort, this warmth. It could never get old. You’d never felt this way. And it wouldn’t be the same with anyone else. 

Both of you didn’t have to say a thing, and yet you both knew what the other was feeling. It was something special you shared with Chuuya, and only Chuuya. This bond was what you cherished the most. With him, you didn’t have to keep second-guessing anything, not his actions, not his words. He never tried to push you into anything, unlike a certain someone. Even now, when you were sobbing slightly. Chuuya never pushed you to explain. 

The two of you walked home hand in hand, with you offering him the bouquet only then. You had smiled, and your dried tears had made tracks on your skin. He accepted the bouquet, giving you a quick peck on the forehead. 

"My sweet love.. these are perfect. Let's get you in a better mood hmm?"

Once you were home, you let him take you by the hand to the bedroom. Chuuya knew you preferred to be pampered before talking about what was on your mind. You just needed to relax. 

He began peppering your face with kisses. It made you giggle — how soft and gentle the way his lips pressed against your skin. And the way his fingers twirled your hair playfully felt comforting. Especially the way he would lean in and whisper every kind of doting compliment he could think of. 

"You're so gorgeous, my love. I'm the luckiest man alive to have an absolute sweetheart as my lover."

There was a loud buzz coming from the nightstand on your side of the bed. Usually, you would check it yourself but Chuuya insisted on looking at it for you since he was closer. He peered over and the caller ID read Osamu Dazai. 

"Who is it, Chuuya?"

He silenced your phone before turning his attention back to you. Chuuya ran his hand down your shoulder to take your hand in his. 

"Nothing important. Let's continue where we left off, my love."

You wanted to check for yourself but quickly shook the urge off when his lips locked with yours. Chuuya was right. No matter who it was, it didn’t matter. Right here, right now, only he did. You fell into his love, fell into the way his lips pressed against yours. You drowned in him, and you thought only of him. 

And this ocean, this one you called home, you would happily drown in. 

#bungou stray dogs #nakahara chuuya #bungou stray dogs chuuya #chuuya bsd #bsd chuuya #chuuya nakahara #bungou stray dogs chuuya nakahara #bsd imagines #bsd fluff #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #reader x chuuya #fluff writing #zai writes #zai does shitty edits

[owlswhisper]

Dear @inkskinned ,

I saw one of your posts swing by on instagram, and it slapped me in the face. I liked it and scrolled on. As you do. But the words glued themselves to the ceiling of my mind. I don't know how much time went by before I came across it again... This time, this time, I wrote it down. I read the sentence over and over again. I tried twisting it around, interpret it in different ways, see if it gave anything else. Yeah I might've analysed the heck out of it (I overthink all the time).

It's one of those sayings you know. You've seen it before. You've talked about it before with friends and others. And if you think about it, it's logical. But logical isn't enough. It doesn't infuse it into your core beliefs, into your inner system. You know it, but haven't assimilated it. That's where I was. For some reason, the way you formulated it, it clicked something deep down. Like scraping rust off an old mechanism, and somehow it starts to go (and for someone who's done quite a few self-help exercises and such, I did not expect to find an "epiphany spark" here).

"The pursuit of perfection kills joy & I hope whatever you do today, you're allowed to do it badly"

"You're allowed" is what stabbed me right in the heart. I was conditioned to always do "good", "good enough", "high grades", "good friends"... "perfect" was what I heard... I now realise that's probably why I ended up being afraid of doing anything. Because I knew it wouldn't be good enough. I was, and am still convinced, of my own mediocrity. So why start at all? Why try? "Failure" never felt like an option. Growing up, my parents unconsciously kept that pressure. They still do at times (without being too aware of it). But I also realised, I never gave myself permission to do things badly. A part of me always judged, always surveyed what I did and the "quality of the work". Doing anything became nerve-wracking. Until you "gave me your blessing" to do badly. It was weird. My guts churned. I doubted. Could I really? I took my notebook and wrote weirdly into it. I didn't follow those lines. I blotched out smudges of messed up letters. I wrote upside down, sideways, over washi-tapes, filled gaps with dissonant colours...

And I LOVED IT.

I felt free, and all I was doing was writing in a notebook. I also felt awkward for feeling like that from simply writing crazy. It started bleeding out into other aspects of my life too.

No I still don't have all my shit together, and that okay. No I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life. That's okay too.

But those things I know I want to do? I've already started a little. But I'll do them. I'll write that first short-story I've wanted to for ages. I'll do it badly. And I'll learn and get better, and probably re-write it. I'll keep drawing maps and building plans for stories and adventures. I'll push on with the wood carving and make wonky figures.

I'll also mess up, and revert back to my silly perfectionist self. I'll get anxious, nervous and angry at myself. I'll hate it. And I'll learn (hopefully), and push through (also hopefully).

I've rewritten your phrase about a dozen times now. It's kind of become my mantra these days. And I love it.

So if you've made it this far... well, sorry for the long post, but I had to tell you and let it out.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU

THANK YOU_THANK YOU_THANK YOU_THANK YOU_THANK YOU

From a complete stranger, somewhere in the world and through the internet, I love you.

I have never felt so free.

Thank you

Whoever you are and where-ever you are, I'm holding you tight in my mind's arms, and showering you with kisses. And from this I can only wish you all the very best I can imagine!

#thankful #gratitude #freedom #writing #philosophy #realisation #thats life #oh so thats how you do it #epiphany #free

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 5: One’s desires (Part 4)

Warnings: blackmail, mind control

Author notes: Ogawa being a girl for once didn’t seem like such a bad idea... What do you think? XD

The weeks passed, rather quickly. It was meaningful to say human life was spent within a blink; time had never fled so fast to me, although the fourteen first years of my existence had been dull, filled with boredom, to the point a second would seem like an hour to me.

The day of Mori-san's birthday approached, and Dazai-san looked more and more concerned about my own presence at the party. The lower men would definitely have their evening off to spend with their families while the executives and their second in command would enjoy the luxurious festivities with corrupted businessmen and politics; I, a mere lieutenant, was not supposed to be there, even though I was Dazai-san's protege. I wonder if his other subordinate, the "dog", had been invited as well. I had heard rumours about his strength but had never gotten the opportunity to meet him in person. Would we get along...? However, those thoughts were just a small matter in comparison to the problem I had on my hands; I looked horrible.

Any woman would want to dress up for a party, even more for a fancy event. Picking up her outfit and choosing her makeup according to her hairstyle were points a member of the feminine gender could not neglect, for appearance also represented who she was inside. A woman could not dress up in any way... But I... I was a hideous person, so thin the bones of my back and my ribs actually showed when I looked at my bare body in the mirror. Despite the sleep I had been granted, my eyes were still circled and my hair was completely colourless, as if it was not even alive. I gritted my teeth in front of the mirror, then resigned myself to wear my usual suit, which managed to hide the horrible thing I had for a body. I had no curve and my chest, due to long time starvation, was flatter than the usual. There was no way the ugliness I saw in the mirror could be covered up by a pretty dress and nice makeup. I would just end up shaming Dazai-san... Oh... No one expected a lowly lieutenant like me to look good anyway, as long as I wore something correct. I would just be there because the Boss had ordered me to. Even so, was it wrong to wish I could dress up, even for an evening...?

"You seem down, lately, Ogawa-kun." My superior noted when I entered his office in the morning.

"I can't pretend the contrary..." I sighed "Moreover, it is such a ridiculous reason..."

"Do tell me. I am so bored, you could make me laugh~"

"If you insist..." I cracked a smile "Actually, I am troubled by my outfit for the Boss' party... I can't pick one..."

"Too many choices~? Men have it easy, any suit can dress us up." He chuckled.

"If only...! It's just that... Nothing could suit me..." I confessed "But that's just a trivial matter, nothing involving life or death..."

"I must say, I thought you didn't care about such things." He told me "And to be honest, it is not 'trivial', as you would put it. It is not vital, indeed, but it is not trivial. If it is important to you, you have the right to be troubled over your outfit."

"Do you really think so...?" I was shocked by his reaction, not expecting his support the least.

"Of course. And I'm even going to help you by giving you advice. What about you go and see ane-san? She will most certainly be able to find you something."

"D-Dazai-san..." I could not help feeling grateful "Thank you..."

"Don't worry~ You'll be perfectly fine. Besides, you're okay as you are, so don't torment yourself too much." He smiled.

I felt myself blushing slightly upon hearing his words. Although he was just being nice... It was good to be complimented from time to time.

The day of the party, the very feminine executive of the Port Mafia accepted to take care of my appearance, not without stating it was a shame I had not come to see her earlier. She was one of the few women in the organisation and, although I had sometimes watched her taking part of a torture session, our relationship had remained strictly professional. I was not even aware that she had kept an eye on me all this time...

"You should eat more." She stated, taking a look at me "Does Dazai-kun not give you enough money to feed yourself?"

"That's not it..." I shook my head "I just... Don't use the money for eating..."

"Is that so...? That being said, there are rumours about a morphine addict in that boy's squadron. Do you know anything about it?" She asked.

She was terrifying. There was not a single thing happening in the Mafia that she did not know of and, despite not uttering a single word about these matters, she watched it all in the shadows. Even so, she also had a reassuring and mother-like presence which made me feel safe. I could tell she would not harm me in any way. Her hands stroked the skin of my cheeks as she examined my face, thoughtfully.

"Your eyes have a beautiful colour." She noted "It is very unusual. Who do you take after?"

"I'm not sure..." I admitted "Perhaps... My mother...?"

"What do you mean you are not sure?" She sighed "Whatever... Modern clothes won't fit. I'll find a suitable kimono for you. Besides, the obi makes a rather practical place to hide your gun. It'll be perfect."

"I don't know how to thank you... Helping me out like this... Whereas you must have much more important matters to take care of..."

"What are you saying?" She giggled "I really enjoy dressing you up like a doll. Besides, who said we were done~? There is a dozen outfits waiting for you to try them on~"

"Is... Is that so...?" I grimaced.

"Of course~ And we'll find the perfect one, believe me~"

After an afternoon of being wrapped in silk by ane-san, she finally made up her mind and accepted to give me a night blue kimono covered in colourful flowers. The sleeves were long, characteristic of the furisode worn by young unmarried girls and the obi was not tied too much so I could easily put a gun under it to defend myself. The executive smiled at me gently as she combed my hair with her delicate hands, doing her best despite its short length. Finally, she clipped in various hairpins and jewels to make it look better.

"You look very pretty." She complimented me "It was worth asking for my help, finally."

"Of course...!" I agreed, barely able to hide my joy "I am very grateful..."

"By the way, Ogawa-chan... Do you know what the flowers on your kimono mean? I'm afraid it might bother you..." She hummed.

I considered her question and lowered my eyes to study the patterns on the sleeves. They were red, scarlet flowers, splattered like blood on the silk. She had not asked such a thing innocently… I chuckled and a slight smirk made its way to my face.

"Higanbana..." I recognised them "Red spider lilies. It doesn't bother me, I am used to carrying death around me. I only fear the Boss may find it ominous, if anything."

"I'm sure he won't mind. I just realised, but that colour suited you so well..." She laughed softly.

"Of course it does, ane-san. What am I, but a murderer? Even makeup and a fancy attire can't hide that fact. But I do not care."

"We are flowers of darkness that can only bloom in the shadows. Our beauty shall not radiate in the sun, after all..." She patted my shoulders "Just let me paint your lips with rouge, then you'll be ready, Ogawa-chan."

"Thank you, ane-san. For everything."

She grinned.

"Our heart shall never soften, lest we want to fall apart."

Kōyō ane-san accompanied me to the party, dressed in a gorgeous red kimono which enlightened her naturally pale complexion. Thanks to her presence, I was noticed by only few curious people and could easily make my way inside the crowd of mafiosi and corrupted officials chatting, drink in hand. I took a deep breath and put a hand onto the gun, carefully put inside the obi. If anything were to happen, I could defend both myself and Dazai-san. There was nothing I had to fear, despite the feeling of uneasiness overwhelming me.

"Ogawa...? Oh, it really is you...!" A familiar voice greeted me from behind.

Calmly, I turned around and wore my most polite smile, before realising it was Oda-san. I relaxed my posture.

"Good evening." I nodded at him "Dazai-san told me he had invited you. Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Not quite." He admitted, rubbing the back of his head "I'm not used to all of that..."

"The fanciness...?" I guessed "Neither am I... I must say, it is too much for the poor slum girl I am."

"Yet, you carry yourself so properly..." He remarked "Not that I am here to judge..."

"I originally come from a rich house." I recalled "I remember seeing my mother greeting some important guests. She wore a kimono too..."

"I see... You never talk about your parents."

"I never talk about the people I kill. I could speak about the plethora of cowards who deflected the Port Mafia as well, but they aren't interesting." I grinned.

"Oh..."

"My apologies, Oda-san... I know you do not kill... All that talk must have made you uncomfortable."

"I'm not... Uncomfortable. Only intrigued. Do you enjoy that work...?"

I frowned, taken aback.

"Do I enjoy it? Obviously I don't." I blinked "It's just work..."

"You don't seem particularly repulsed by it either."

"Is an office worker repulsed by paperwork?" I glanced at him.

"It happens... When there is too much."

"Then, the man is an idiot. Working is vital to earn money, and money is vital to live, although too much creates such greed human beings tend to become vicious." I sighed "Whatever..."

"I'm not sure to ever understand that way of thinking..." He shrugged it off.

"That's because you perhaps haven't lived in the shallows yourself. Surviving... This is my only way of living. I don't care about being immoral." I smiled.

"Yeah... I can see that. At least, you know that what you do is bad..."

"Who would think killing is good?"

"There is someone I know who doesn't quite make the difference between good and evil..."

"Oh, really? I wonder if we are not thinking about the same person..."

"What are you talking about~?"

We both became more cheerful upon seeing Dazai-san appearing in front of us with his carefree smile. I noted, amused, that he had not bothered getting changed at all, wearing his usual dark suit and his heavy coat I found so warm.

"Nothing important." I told him "Good evening, Dazai-san."

"Good evening, Odasaku, Ogawa-kun~ So you did go to ane-san. I'm glad she found something suitable." He said.

"Thank you." I felt my cheeks heat up the slightest.

"Do you want a glass of champagne?" He suggested as a waiter carrying a tray walked next to us.

I accepted and had a taste of the drink. I had heard it was expensive alcohol, produced in France. A single bottle of good champagne could cost hundreds of dollars and even more yen. I brought it to my lips. It was sweet, a tad bitter, but overall sweet. The bubbles made it a fresh drink, the perfect one for a fancy event like the one we were attending. I remembered when I was younger... The father used to import it to sell it in Japan to other rich businessmen. He would always keep one or two bottles for himself. He had done so for wine, too.

"So, are you enjoying yourselves~?" My superior asked us.

"I feel uneasy..." Oda-san admitted "I might go look for Ango."

"Oh, I'll reach you soon...!" He promised "What about you, Ogawa-kun?"

"I'm anxious." I declared without detour "Why was I invited...? I am a mere lieutenant, I don't have my place in there."

"You don't stand out." He chuckled "But, indeed, why were you invited...? I had a talk with the Boss, a moment ago, and he refused to tell me anything."

"I'm afraid we'll have to find out..."

"Good evening Dazai-kun, Ogawa-kun." A poised voice interrupted our talk.

We both turned around, and I bowed, automatically, feeling as though my back was being pushed down by some uncontrollable strength. The charisma emanating from this person, the imposing fear-inducing aura of his... It was far more powerful than Dazai-san's, and my whole being shook in fright before him. So, he was the Boss of the Port Mafia, Mori Ōgai-san... The merciless leader of this organisation...

"We've already seen each other." My superior was the first to raise and look at the Boss "Several minutes ago."

"Indeed. Ogawa-kun, you may raise. After all, you are my guest, tonight...~" He demanded.

I was paralysed. This was an order, I had to obey his order so I would not be punished, yet I... Was unable to even lift a finger. This man bore no good intention.

A glass fell down and cracked on the ground, waking me up from my dazed off state.

"Oh my, I'm so clumsy...~" Dazai-san chuckled as people came to pick up the shattered pieces of glass.

I immediately regained consciousness and smiled at Mori-san.

"It is an honour to have been invited, Boss." I said in a breath.

"Well, I wanted to introduce you to someone important, after all." He smiled back "Dazai-kun, how could you drop this precious crystal glass?"

"I hurt my hand with a knife earlier, and the pain loosened my grip."

He was lying, with a most casual smile. However, I could feel that those were no usual words. The Boss had easily deduced the executive had attempted to save me and was silently threatening him, with this fake, knowing and mischievous smile. I wanted to run away.

"Be more careful in the future." He advised, smug "Ogawa-kun?"

I hesitated upon taking his hand into mine, sensing that as soon as I would make contact with him, my fate would be sealed and I would not be able to go back on my words. Moreover... I was unsure whether it was permitted to touch the Boss of the Port Mafia. I sought approval from my executive.

"Yes, Boss..." I timidly obeyed, registering the nod from Dazai-san.

"So..." His voice lowered so I was the only one hearing him "You have no choice but to do as I say, now."

His fingers imperceptibly crushed mine, and I held back a gasp of pain.

"Whether you like it or not, you will use your ability for me. Otherwise, someone you care about will die. You know I cannot kill Dazai-kun, but I have my sources, and it seems someone miraculously survived the massacre of your family... Isn't it odd~?"

My heart skipped a bit, and I let the Boss drag me across the room, completely losing both composure and willpower. Ruriko-chan... How had he known? Then, again, he was the leader of this underground organisation, there was nothing he would not be aware of...

"If I reveal the truth to Dazai-kun, how will he react, do you think? He will be disappointed, he will toss you aside like a worthless pawn..." He smirked at me "We would not want that, would we~? Not after everything he did to keep you there~”

"N-No, Boss..."

I was in front of a child. He was small, had deep eyes lost in thoughts and held onto the ugliest plush toy I had ever seen. Mori-san let go of me to introduce us and slowly pushed the boy closer to me.

"This is Yumeko Kyūsaku-kun, call him Q. He is eleven and a member of the Port Mafia too, and has an ability involving breaking people."

Horrible. This man was horrible, and despicable. At eleven years old, how could he make this poor boy a member of an organisation...? It was insane. I felt as though I had stepped onto a mined ground.

"Hello, Q-kun..." I tried a friendly smile "My name is Ogawa Yōko, I am glad to meet you —"

As I was going to shake his small hand, I retracted immediately upon seeing the razor blade in the palm of his hand. What on Earth...?

"Oh, you noticed it, miss...!" He chuckled, much like a madman "Too bad, I can't show you madness~"

This boy was sick, too. He was mentally unstable, what was I even doing, talking to him? Around me, the silence had fallen, and hundreds of evil looks were turned toward us. People were expecting; what was the show Mori-san would create for them? What kind of twisted plot had the Boss planned to entertain his guests?

"What do you want from me...?" I glared at the Boss.

"That boy... Has troubles." He grinned "I do not quite understand what is in his mind, and I would simply like you to read his thoughts."

"Oh... Well..." I looked at Q-kun a moment "He's very glad to see the light, for once, and only wants to have fun... If I may, Boss, teaching a child to have fun with razor blades is not quite... Sane."

"We do agree about that, then. You see, Q has always been a peculiar child... He seeks joy in madness, his own and people's. But that's not our topic. Ogawa-kun, I'm afraid you misunderstood me." His eyes narrowed.

"Did I...?" My voice came out meekly.

"I have no interest in these useless and superficial thoughts. What I want to know is his inner desires. Because it is the true power of The Sweet Appeals, isn't it? Discovering one's deepest and secret desires...~"

My hands trembled uncontrollably in fear. What was he going to do to me?

"I... I don't quite control it..." I defended.

"I don't care about that. I need you to delve in Q's world, and you will."

Suddenly, someone pushed me against the boy. Quickly, I grabbed his shoulders to prevent us from falling on the floor, then knelt in front of him.

"Are you alright?" I inquired "Are you injured anywhere?"

Q-kun's innocent and dumbfounded face turned into a large smirk when he heard my question, and, with horror, I noticed his sleeves were reddening. I backed away, terrified. He had blades hidden on his arms as well, and I had unintentionally hurt him... Mori-san grabbed the ugly plush from the boy's arms, earning a displeased whine, and showed it to me.

"When that thing is torn up... That boy's ability turns on...~ So~? What will you be able to find in the world of madness, I wonder~? Oh and by the way... If you hurt any of my guests, I'll have you killed~ That being said..."

"Ogawa-kun...!"

The moment Dazai-san was about to reach us, guards restrained him and kept him farther. I was frightened. So much that I wanted to break into tears. What was going to happen to me...? I did not want to die...! My heart thumped in my chest and time seemed to slow down. All too brusquely, I saw the doll being torn in two.

Nothing happened, at first. Then, one by one, a mark appeared on the guests and they started attacking me. I remembered the Boss' words about hurting them, and did nothing. If I were to hurt them, even the slightest, he would take my life... The punch never came. Was that an illusion? It did not hurt. But still... Containing the part of me who wanted to counterattack was becoming harder as the seconds passed. What was I supposed to find in there, anyway...? There was nothing related to Q-kun, nothing I could hear about his thoughts, nothing at all... And how to get out of there? I started sobbing like a lost child. I wanted to go out. I wanted to be freed from that nightmare!

Something hurt. An attack. Somehow, it had touched me. I realised that, the more time I spent in the illusion, the less I had control on my own mind, and the more I would give in to madness. I groaned as the guests hit me, but did not try to defend myself. How to leave...?

"Stop it... Stop it... I beg you... Stop..." I cried "Someone... Someone...! Help...!"

#bsd #bsd oc #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bsd imagines #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai osamu

[whatapunderfullife]

Its 3:33 am, I haven't slept at all, but I've had at least a dozen realizations since I woke up yesterday. Most of them since I laid down to try and go to sleep a few hours ago.

I'm scared to go away, because what if when I can't do all the little things with people, we start to drift apart till we are nothing.

Just because you are insecure about your friends doing things without you doesn't mean you have any real reason to be. Remember that.

As much as I like to think I keep all my suffer to myself that has never ever been the case. I hurt others around me when I concave into myself.

They also know that something is wrong. Even if they don't know what and you refuse to tell them, they know. You should have figured that out by constant asking of "What's wrong?".

Either when the depression got worse I started to lose interest in school or when I started losing interest in school and was just trying to pass the depression got worse. Or both, which created a circle of falling into a hole so deep I gave up trying to get out.

There hasn't been a time since the summer of 2016 that I wasn't severely depressed. It's just some points were worse than others.

My favorite genre of books are those books in 3rd to 5th grade when you can start to comprehend a complex plot and they try to teach you morals. Like the bad kid has good in him, love is the answer, one lie can spiral out of control and it won't just cost you, sometimes you make mistakes, but life usually rights itself, and it's hard to get back on the right path and it's not liner, but its possible.

Crying almost constantly at a children's book is probably a sign that you were not all right. But my God does it feel good to be able to cry again.

My dad once read a book miles behind his reading level because I asked him to and then treated me as an equal enough to try and discuss its points with me. In fact he did it more than once.

How much of my life my best friends have actually been. I often cut of a whole year of our friendship and squash two of them into one. But you guys have been with me since (at least basically) since we started high school.

Depression really messed with my mental timeline. Sophomore and Junior year are a mesh of incongruent information that takes at least ten minutes and a written out timeline to make proper sense of and even then I'm not sure.

My lows tend to correspond with whenever something big was happening with my brother, yet because I tended to think of them as separate things I never noticed it before.

All of us in the friend group were hurting in the spring of 2017. Because of that none of us really help each other or let each other in.

One of the things you have always struggled with is people leaving and maybe we should have been more obvious that we didn't want this goodbye. But then again maybe you don't regret it as much as I think. Maybe I'm projecting. I don't know.

I'm learning more about myself as life goes on, but if I still don't know it all that's okay too.

It took me a lot longer to grieve the lose of a distant friend and constant in my life because it seemed like there were all these hurdles surrounding his death and I had no one I felt would understand it enough to help me through it.

When I'm stressed I get more depressed.

The summer of 2017 was one of the only summers we didn't take a family trip somewhere. It was also my lowest summer even if I didn't realise it at the time.

My mom tried her best to get me out of my depressed funk in the winter of 2017. It helped. Even if I resented in the beginning what she was trying to do.

Most of my memories are from high school now, and I rarely think back to middle school or elementary anymore. That realization gives of a melancholy vibe.

It's nice to just talk to people sometimes. Its nice to have someone that'll listen.

I don't think if I could go back in time I would tell myself I'm pan because it was such a journey to get here I think I would just shrug it off. (I would tell myself that I'm proud of her, but it's okay to open up about your struggles. Being independent does not mean being all alone).

My dad specifically made himself open for me to go to when I thought I couldn't go to my mom or if was about my mom. And he has always shown his support in being there for me by letting me hug him for more than the average hug amount almost everyday even though he doesn't know why and could have easily shrugged me off. (Its because I'm touch starved and I love hugs but never start them because I've had to deal with a lot of people deciding they no longer like hugs and because of this people assume I dont like hugs)

My family has always been very open and caring to me and encouraged me to have my own opinion while still being respectful, and while I have always known this sometimes I forget the extent to which it carrys.

#me #mine #personal

[mental-health-advice]

I am suicidal but I haven't told anyone. I'm not attempting but I don't want to be alive...Everyone in my life abuses me and I can't keep living like this. My ex didn't abuse me but she left me and she lied about everything and I'm just a mess...I'm sorry for bothering you.

Hi darling,

First of all, I want you to know thatyou are never, ever bothering us. We are here for you and to help you gothrough whatever is happening in your life. I want to thank you for puttingenough trust in us, to let us know what you have been thinking about recently.

Being in a relationship with someonewe really care about and haven our heart broken is extremely difficult. Goingthrough a breakup, is probably one of the most difficult emotional things Ihave lived in my life. It is absolutely heart breaking to have been lied to andto feel used, I understand exactly what you mean. Though, I want you to knowthat you are not alone and that many people go through the exact same veryheart aching thing. There are many blogs in which you could have a look, inwhich we go through the minds of other people going through heartache. A simpleresearch on Google will guide you to dozens and dozens of forums.

Life is a gift and even though it mightfeel right now like nothing is worth fighting for, I promise you that things doget better over time. Someone that has broken your heart and who has made youfeel so much pain, does not deserve to be the one causing your life to end. Youare a beautiful and amazing person who deserves to feel loved and cared for. Ifthat person has not made you feel that way, it is simply because it was not theright one. I am more than convinced that you have an amazing person waiting foryou somewhere out there, but if you want to meet that great human, you need tostick around.

Try to talk with someone you reallytrust about the thoughts you’ve been feeling. Let them know the pain that youare going thought and the fright that you are sensing. You will be surprised torealise just how much the people around you care about your wellbeing. I am soproud of you for opening up to us and for trying to get help, you are verybrave and very strong. Now that you have done that, it is important for you toknow that there are also other resources you can turn to such as a therapist-which you have absolutely no need to feel ashamed about- or even by calling ahelpline. The advantages or helplines are that they are anonymous, but canstill be a massive help.

If ever you feel like there are nomore reasons worth for you to stay, please have a look at our Reasons to Staypage. Have a read through the list, I am sure that you will find many of thesuggestions quite appealing to you.

I want to finish this post, bypromising you from the very bottom of my heart, that things to get better aftergetting our heart broken. You are worth it and you deserve a beautiful happylife. I know you can fight this, but don’t forget that you do not have to dothat on your own. You have people surrounding you that can help you out andthere is no need to feel ashamed about seeking care and assistance.

Don’t forget that we are always herefor you whenever you need us. We also love to get updated on how you beautifuland amazing people are doing, so please, do not ever feel like you arebothering us and feel free to message us at any time you please. You arebeautiful and wonderful in my eyes and in the eyes of many others. Your worthit and can fight through this.

Storms don’t last forever, your strength will fightthe clouds away and let the rainbow shine throughout the sky.

Sabrinaxx

#feeling suicidal #Suicidal thoughts #Suicide #ending life #heart break #heartache #bad relationship #toxic relationship #lying girlfriend #seeking help #seeking help for mental illness #reasons to stay #reasons to stay alive #helplines #suicide helplines #Therapists #talking to a friend #talking to a loved one #holding on #mhasabrina