#and also dean has always been a character i’m really attached to

[thelibrarylesstrektraveled]

Breathe Free (Part Two)

Summary: You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, thank you very much! Dean knew that, he also knew better. He’d seen you sick plenty of times in the past five years, but this was different. This was much more than a cold, but you were so stubborn about doctors! Dean Winchester isn’t about to let you slip away, even if it means going against your wishes. He only hopes he’s not too late!

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean x Reader, Dean x You

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Sick!Reader, Hospitals, Kissing, fluff

Word Count: 5873

One Shot - Two Parts

Author’s Notes: I have been sick with Covid for a month. Well… down sick for 2 ½ weeks and recovering my stamina for 2 more. Its been a real bitch. Plus my disabled mother has it now. This is following a nervous breakdown I had in June. Writing has been my passion and my mental health balm, but I’ve not been able to produce anything in months. So this… this is a fucking triumph!! I’m still working on all my other WIP, so please stick around. I’ll get there… eventually :) I’m hoping to finish part two shortly and post in a week… ish.

Thank you all for the continued support! Additional Notes: Still hanging in there, long covid is a bitch, but it does improve. More or less. I am SO happy with myself that I’ve finished a story! Even a little self-indulgent two parter. As always, thank you all! Your kind words and encouragement have really helped me. Love you guys :) Masterlist Breathe Free (Part One)

     Hospitals were noisy places.  Filled with squeaking wheels, scuffling shoes, and code calls.  The ICU was worse with its beeping monitors and hissing ventilators.  The constant stream of nurses and doctors talking in hushed concern about things like hypoxia and bradypnea and other terrifying medical babble.

     This wasn’t the first time Dean sat beside someone he cared about while they lingered between life and death.   He was a hunter; it came with the gig.  Broken bones and bullet holes.  The waiting and the worrying were pure hell, and he would know.  It was the reason he was so quick to put himself in the line of fire.  Not just to save a life, but to spare himself the agony of the wait.  Minutes that ticked by endlessly, ratcheting up the uncertainty.  Underscoring just how powerless he was.

     Never did it cross his mind that illness would snatch you away from him.  That you would simply get sick, like a normal person.  Pneumonia could be dangerous for anyone, but for someone with asthma, it could be deadly.

     You were sedated for three days while the ventilator breathed for you and gave your body a chance to rest and heal.  The doctors assured him that it was standard procedure, but damn was it intense.  Dean had never seen you look so fragile.  So pale.  You looked as if you could slip away at any moment, the only thing keeping you tethered to the Earthly realm were the wires and tubes attached to your body.   

     Dean took your hand.  He wondered about your soul.  Were you here with him?  Watching from somewhere nearby?  Or were you negotiating with a reaper?  Would you bargain for more time, or would you choose heaven?  A soul like yours was guaranteed a ticket to the penthouse. 

     It was in times like this that he cursed his profession.  What good was a lifetime’s worth of supernatural knowledge if he couldn’t use it to save you?  God knows he tried.  He tried every trick in the book, in the end it was Sam who talked sense into him.

     “She doesn’t need you to sell your soul Dean!  She just needs you.  Be there, hold her hand, tell her it’s going to be okay.  Let her know she isn’t alone.”

Sammy was right, as he usually was.  The nurses said you’d shown enough improvement that they were taking you off the ventilator today.  As much as Dean wanted to believe it, he was cautious in his optimism. 

     He was so wrapped up in his own worry that he didn’t notice your fingers shifting against his palm.  Your eyelids fluttered, then went still.  It was so slight, that Dean thought he’d imagined it. 

     He desperately searched your face and held his breath.  God please…

“Y/N?”

     A few seconds later you did it again, this time you gave his hand a proper squeeze and Dean felt like his heart was going to burst. 

     He squeezed back, his other hand coming up to brush your cheek, “Y/N… baby, can you hear me?”

     After several tries, you finally managed to open your eyes fully.  Exhausted, you looked around the room.  When your gaze landed on Dean, he smiled.  You tried to say his name and when you couldn’t, you panicked!  Choking on the tube shoved down your throat, your eyes went wide.

     “Hey!  It’s okay!  You’re in the hospital, Sweetheart.  Just stay calm.  We’ll get that tube out, let me go get the nurse.”

     He stood and your grip became desperate.  And strong.  Incredibly strong.  Tears trickled from the corners of your eyes as you tried to convey your thoughts.  You were wide awake, and you needed him.  Relief washed over him; no reapers would come knocking today. 

     “Okay, okay.  Shh…” he sat beside you and pressed a kiss to your forehead while his free hand hit the call button.  “I’ve got you; I’ve got you.  I’m not going anywhere.”

     Sam was walking down the corridor towards the ICU rooms with two large coffees balanced in one hand.  You were only allowed one visitor at a time, so he and Dean took turns.  Although, Dean always came back early.  And he begged the nurses to let him stay past visiting hours.  Sam got the impression they felt sorry for him, but knowing Dean, he would have found a way around the rules one way or another.

     When Sam saw his brother in the hallway, he quickened his pace.  He was leaning against the wall, bent at the waist with his hands braced on his knees. 

     “Dean?  What happened?  What’s going on?”

     Dean raised his head, sniffling back emotion, “She’s awake.  They’re… ah… they’re taking out that tube.”

     Sam caught the glossy sheen in Dean’s eyes.  He clapped a hand on his shoulder, “That’s fantastic.  Dean, that’s great.”

     Dean nodded and pulled Sam into a brief, tight hug then released him and took a coffee. 

     “Good thing you talked me out of selling my soul, huh?’

     You weren’t really sleeping when Sam and Dean walked into your new room in the regular section of the hospital.  But every muscle in your body was so taxed that even keeping your eyes open was an effort.  There was an oxygen mask covering your nose and mouth, but it was far more comfortable than that damn ventilator tube.  You were cold too, but that was part of being in a hospital.  It was all so familiar and disheartening.

     The squeak of the door prompted you to open your heavy eyes and you smiled.  The Winchesters were there, a welcome contrast of denim and flannel against the sterile hospital décor.  They had arms filled with gifts; balloons, books, a bag of watermelon Jolly Ranchers, and the biggest arrangement of flowers you’d ever seen.  Dozens of roses, hydrangeas, and snapdragons.  

     “Flowers.”

     Your voice was a raspy whisper behind the mask, but it still made Dean beam brightly. 

     “Hell yeah, Sammy and I bought out every white flower they had.”  He set the massive vase down on the table.  “They’re your favorite, right?”

     You nodded, tracing a finger over the edge of one perfect bloom.  You had a late-night debate with him eons ago about how white couldn’t be your favorite color because it wasn’t really a color.  It’s a shade.  Technically, it was a sum of all possible colors.  Hence, the debate.

     Sam pulled out a stuffed a huge, stuffed moose from behind his back.  It was impossibly soft with floppy antlers and was wearing one of his flannel shirts tied in place with a white velvet bow.

     You laughed, “Aww!  A… Win..chester of… my own.”

     Sam’s throat got tight as the halting cadence of your words.  Even with the oxygen, you were out of breath.  He leaned down and hugged you.  Normally, he would squeeze you tight and lift you off your feet just to make you giggle like a kid sister.  Today, he was careful.  Mindful of the electrodes and wires and of how fragile you felt in his arms. 

     “You’ve already got two Winchesters,” he said, kissing the top of your head.  “Add him to your collection.”

     Your eyes were drooping, even after just a few minutes your energy was completely depleted.  You let your head fall back against the pillow with a tired smile, “Thank you… Sammy.”

     “We should get out of here, let you sleep,” he replied, catching his brother’s attention.

     “Yeah,” Dean gave a reluctant nod.  “If you’re lucky, we’ll smuggle in one of those triple thick strawberry-kiwi shakes you like.”

     You grabbed hold of his hand again and tugged.  It was so much effort to talk, you hope he got the message. 

     A wordless look passed between the brothers and Sam took his cue, leaving the two of you alone.  You tried to focus on your breathing and on the warmth of Dean’s hand holding yours.  It took every bit of strength you had to stay awake, but it was so important.  You couldn’t let him leave, not yet.

     Dean wiped away the single tear that slid down your cheek.  “Hey, hey.  What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

     “I… I’m… s… sorry.”

     He soothed back your hair, “Sorry for what?”

     “Should have… gone… to… th… the doctor.”

     “No, hey, don’t worry about any of that.”

     “Scared… you.”

     Dean cupped your face with his large palm, “Listen to me.  I don’t want you to think about any of that stuff, okay?  It doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is you getting better.  That’s all I care about.”

     You nodded; your eyes shuttered to half-mast.  “Tired.”

     He let out a chuckle and ran a hand over his five o’clock shadow, “I’ll bet you are.”

     You shook your head and pointed at him.  When he tilted his head in confusion, you patted the mattress beside you.

     He was exhausted.  It was etched in every line on his beautiful face.  His green eyes, the ones you had loved since you first looked into them were bloodshot.  His strong shoulders slumped under the strain of recent events.  Dean had been by your side for days, even after taking care of you back at the bunker.  It was a testament to his impressive stamina and force of will that he was still standing.

     Without a word, he turned down the lights, kicked off his boots and climbed into the narrow bed.  It should have been uncomfortable, given his size, but he gently arranged it so that you were partly settled on his chest.  Your weary body melted into the warmth he provided as his arms wrapped around you.  You were both slipped into a dreamless sleep without any effort at all.

     Three Weeks Later:      You were in the hospital eight days in total, three of them in the ICU.  When they finally released you, it was with a whole list of stipulations and guidelines.  Breathing exercises.  An oxygen tank for times when your levels dipped below a certain level.  Antibiotics the size of horse tranquilizers and updated rescue inhalers.  It was intense, but still preferable to staying one more night in the hospital.

     It was Sam alone who picked you up on your release date.  You were disappointed, but not surprised.  Dean was gone when you woke the morning after the two of you shared your hospital bed.  He texted you every day but only came back to visit you once when he and Sam dropped off some of your clothes. 

     It was okay, it really was. 

     You understood.  You’d scared him big time.  Frankly, you were still so sick that all you did was sleep anyway.  But when you were home and days passed with still no contact, you worried.  God bless Sam, he was right there every step of the way.  He drove you to therapy and helped you come up with a strength building regiment.  He kept you company and offered insight to his missing brother.

     “Give him some time, Y/N.  He’ll come around.  You know how he gets.”

And so, you did.  Sam’s words offered solace, but they didn’t make up for the fact that you missed that salty, pain in the ass.  Somehow, the fact that Dean was just down the hall made you all the more lonely for him.  But you were determined to respect his need for privacy.  After everything that happened, you owed him that at the very least.

     When you were in the kitchen a few days later making one of Sam’s health smoothies, the last thing you expected was to hear Dean’s voice. 

     “Tell me you’re not gonna drink that.”

     You smiled but didn’t turn.  “Of course not.  I haven’t added the spirulina or wheat germ yet.”

     You heard him mutter something about pond scum under his breath while he rummaged through the fridge. 

     “I’ve got enough for two,” you teased.  “Should I get you a glass?”

     “Too bad your stay in the VIP suite didn’t improve your sense of humor, smartass.”

     You turned around and grinned at him.  God, he looked incredible!  Maybe it was not seeing him for a month, but he was a sight!  Dark jeans on bowed legs.  That red and black flannel shirt that somehow made him seem even broader.  Especially when he crossed his arms across his chest.  Like he was doing right now.  And glowering at you!  Ridiculous man!  You’d been busy recuperating from serious illness, and he looked like he wanted to reprimand you for leaving wet towels on the floor.  It might have pissed you off, if you weren’t so pleased to see him. 

     So, you laughed. 

     His expression went from sexy and grumpy to utterly baffled.  “Why are you laughing?”

     You shook your head with a goofy grin and answered honestly, “I’m just happy to see you.”

     He cautiously smiled back, “Yeah?’

     “Yeah.”

     “Huh.  Well in that case, you wanna get out of here?  I was thinking of going for a drive.”

     Your heart felt light, “I’ll get my coat.”

     Dean wasn’t sure how he was going to do it, but he knew he had to.  Even if it killed him, and it just might.  It wouldn’t be the first time he’d made the hard choice.  Break a heart, save a life.  He may as well get it tattooed on his ass.  At this point it was more of a life motto than saving people, hunting things.  He glanced over at you gazing happily out the window and he tried to burn the image into his memory.  Beautiful.  Hands down the most beautiful girl he’d ever met.  Even after he’d ignored you for weeks and pushed you off on his baby brother, you laughed and forgave him. 

     You looked just like you always had, maybe a bit thinner from your time in the hospital.  But Sammy had been adamant about those smoothies of his.  Nutrient dense.  They tasted like absolute ass, but they certainly seemed to help you get your color back.  Your hair was shiny and bouncy, he loved it when it was bouncy like that.  Cascading over your shoulders and framing your face.  It looked so soft and smelled like peaches when you tossed it back.  Your eyes were bright and glowed with good health.  Looking at you now, it was hard to believe you’d been on a ventilator only a few weeks ago. 

     “Hey, you wanna get out and walk for a bit?”  You asked, pointing out one of your favorite state parks ahead.

     “Sure.  You bring your scarf?”

     “Obviously,” you replied, pulling out the length of soft, white fabric from your bag.

     It was still a bit chilly out, but all the snow had been cleared from the paths and only an inch or so remained around the trees.  Dean kept shooting glances your way, checking for signs of distress as the two of you walked along.

     “I’m not going to keel over, you know.”

     Dean shoved his hands into the pockets of his black jacket.  “You need to be careful in the cold air, it’s no good for you.”

     “True, but walking is very good for me.  It helps build stamina.” 

     He didn’t reply to that and the two of you walked along in silence until you really couldn’t take it anymore.

     “It’s ridiculous, you know?  Me, having to rebuild stamina.  I was in the best shape of my life; I could run up ten flights of stairs and still chop the head off a vamp no problem.  Now I have to stop halfway through a beginner’s yoga class.”

     “Almost dying does that.”

     There was venom in his voice, but the fear was too.  Evidently, he hadn’t worked through it as much as you’d hoped. 

     “Is that why you’re kicking me out?  Because I almost died?”

     Dean stopped and turned to you, but he kept his eyes downcast.  “Y/N…”

     “Its really not fair.  You’ve almost died several times and I still keep you around.”  You tried to keep your tone light, but it was difficult with the tears threatening.

     “It’s not funny,” his eyes were getting red as he recalled the terrifying night he carried you into the E.R.  “You stopped breathing.  Your fucking heart stopped!”

     You knew this part.  After Dean closed himself off from you, you asked Sam to give you all the details.  Full cardiac arrest from a severe asthma attack, brought on by complications from pneumonia.  It had taken the doctors a while to stabilize you, but when they did you were so weak, they weren’t sure you were going to pull through.  Sam had a hard time talking about, even though you were sitting there alive and well in front of him.  That night shook them both to the core.

     You brought your hand up to cup Dean’s cheek, “I’m so sorry.”

     He closed his eyes briefly, letting the warmth of your touch comfort him.  “Why didn’t you tell me?  All this time… a fucking two year long pandemic… Covid is a respiratory virus!  What if…”

     You hurt him.  Far more than you’d realized.  And you hated yourself for it. This was going to take much more than a simple reassurance to work through. 

     “Can we sit?”

     He led you to a park bench, “We should head back to the car, it’s too cold for you.”

     “I’m okay, Dean,” you grabbed his hands, “I really, really am.  And I’m sorry.  I didn’t deliberately keep it from you, I just didn’t think about it.  I know it’s hard to fathom, but I’ve lived with it my whole life.  The things I do to minimize my risk are second nature to me now. And I haven’t had an attack in years.”

     “This wasn’t my first trip to the ICU; I spent my childhood in and out of hospitals.  Mom was very protective.  The doctors had her so scared that she didn’t let me do much.  No sports, no sleepovers, no camping trips.  She even moved us to Glenwood Springs because of it.”

     “Like Doc Holliday.”

     You rolled your eyes out of habit.  Every time you mentioned your home, Dean spewed every bit of old west trivia he knew.  Which, you had to admit, was extensive.  Last time you were there he insisted on visiting the Doc Holliday museum, he even had you take his picture with gambler’s gun. 

     Then:      “Nice place,” Dean said, scanning the neatly maintained garden beds and brick walkways.

     “Yeah, it is.  Remember, this is just a quick stop so I can pick up some stuff.  Don’t do what you normally do.”

      “What are you talking about?”

     You ran a nervous hand through your hair and straightened your denim jacket, “That charming rogue routine you do whenever there’s a woman in front of you.”

     His grin turned cocky, “Sweetheart, that’s just me.  Can’t help it if the ladies love it.”

     You brushed a piece of lint off his shoulder with an impatient huff, “Rein it in, cowboy.”

     Before you could ring the bell, the front door swung open and revealed a woman who would have passed for your twin in her youth.  Tanned, with a bright white smile and silver bangles stacked on both arms.

     “Baby girl!”

     “Hi Momma,” you managed to say while she squeezed you tight.

     Your mother drew back and quickly scrutinized your appearance, “You taking care of yourself?  Regular appointments?  Feeling good?”

     “Yes, Ma’am.”

     That radiant smile was back, “Good girl!  And this tall drink of water must be that friend you told me about.”

     “Yes, this is Dean Winchester.  Dean, this is my mom, Beverly.”

     True to form, he turned up the charm to eleven.  “No way I’m gonna believe you are Y/N’s mother, you must be her sister.”

    “And you are the smoothest liar I’ve had on my doorstep,” Bev said, slipped her arm through Dean’s with a wink, “But please, don’t stop.  Why don’t we go out back and have coffee?  Y/N, I made that peach pie you’re so fond of!”

     “I love pie!”  Dean gave you an infuriating grin over your mother’s head as the two of them sailed into the house together.

     Three hours later, you had endured the torture of baby pictures and embarrassing stories from your adolescence.  While Dean supplied plenty of his own anecdotes of you getting lost in the grocery store and getting locked out of the motel room in only your underwear.  Luckily, the pie helped keep your mood from going sour. 

     “Okay, I’m going to head up and grab those boxes.”

     “Lift with your legs, Baby girl.”

     “Yes, Ma’am,” you replied, disappearing through the sliding glass door.

     Bev’s jovial mood turned serious as soon as her daughter was out of earshot.  “Okay, Winchester, shoot me straight.  How is my daughter?”

     Dean blinked in surprise, “I’m sorry?”

     “I may not be hip to everything going on, but I can feel the pair of you dancing around something big.  I’m not going stick my nose in, Y/N isn’t talking about it, and I respect that.  But I’m a mom and that girl is my whole life, so tell me… is she okay?  Do I need to worry about her?  About you?”

     Dean weighed his words carefully, “Y/N is… amazing.  She’s smart and strong.  She has the biggest vocabulary of anyone I’ve ever known, and she loves to show it off.  Even when she shouldn’t.  But she knows how to handle herself.  She kicks ass.”

     The corner of Bev’s mouth quirked, “It runs in the family.”

     “I can see that.”

     She leaned back in her chair and studied him, “You seem like a decent man, the sort who keeps his word.  That being the case, I have a favor to ask.  Keep an eye on my girl for me.”

     “Already done,” was his quick reply.

     Bev shook her head, “It’s not the dangers of the world I’m talking about.  I’m talking about looking after her when she’s not looking after herself.  Y/N… has a lot of life to live and when she gets busy… she just doesn’t see how far gone she is until she falls flat on her face.”

     Dean leaned forward, elbows on knees, “You’ve got my word, Bev.  I’ll never let her fall.”

Now:      “I like your mom,” Dean looked down at his boots.  “She made me promise to look after you.”

     “You never told me that.”

     “I got the impression she didn’t want me to.  Thought maybe she had a mother’s intuition about you getting into the hunting business.  Guess she was talking about something else.”

     You let your gaze drift over to the lake in the distance, half thawed already.  It would be an early spring this year.  A sign of hope for the future.

     “We got in this huge fight when I was nineteen.  I wanted to move out, go to college, see the world.  I missed out on so much as a sick kid, but I survived it.  I worked hard to strengthen my lungs and build up stamina.  I followed every doctor’s order to the letter so that I could actually live my life like a normal person… and it worked, but when the time came, I still didn’t have her support.  I was so pissed!  I packed a bag and left in the middle of the night.”

     “How’d that go over?”

     “I hadn’t yet mastered the art of covering my tracks.  Plus, she was dating the sheriff.  I was back home twenty-four hours later.” 

     Dean snorted, “Amateur.” 

     “Mom and I came to an agreement after that.  I stay local, stay in communication, and keep doing everything my doctors ask and in return, she would stop focusing on my condition like it was a death sentence.”  You shrugged, “Things were better after that.”

    “Your mom is awesome, I’m glad she supports you…. You’re lucky, Y/N.”

     Dean took your hand, surprising you.  His fingers linked with yours, rubbing his thumb over yours.  Then he frowned, his brows drew down over his eyes in worry.  Like a black cloud had settled over his heart. 

     “Y/N…”

     You knew what he wanted to say, you could feel it.  You could see it in his eyes whenever he dared to look at you.  The sorrow.  All you wanted to do was save him from it.  From himself.

     “It’s amazing how much we still don’t know about how the human body works,” you blurted out, making him blink in confusion.

     “What?”

     “Being sedated, for example.  Medical experts still aren’t sure why some people retain a certain level of consciousness and others remember nothing.  When I was seven, I was in the hospital for a month, my mother read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe to me even though I wasn’t awake.  When I came out of it, I remembered the whole thing.” 

     You could see the realization slowly register in his beautiful eyes.  If you heard your mother, you must have heard him.

     Then:      It was cold in your room.  You hated being cold, it was one of your main complaints about the bunker.  You cranked the thermostat, took boiling hot showers, and frequently stole clothes from both Winchesters.  Although, you seemed to favor Dean’s over his brother’s.  A fact he griped about, but secretly liked.  He liked knowing that you felt at home enough to make yourself comfortable.  If you were comfortable, maybe you would stay. 

     Dean brought your favorite blanket and tucked it around you, careful of the machines and wires.  “There you go, Sweetheart.  Just like home.”

     He sat in the stiff chair beside your bed and studied your peaceful face.  He tried to think of you as an enchanted princess.  Sleeping Beauty, just waiting for the right prince to swing by and break the curse.  Unlikely in his world.  Still… it was easier than the truth.

     He might have been able to fool himself for a while if it weren’t for that breathing tube.

     “Actually, that’s a lie…  this place is nothing like home.  Home has all the amenities, right?  I’ll bet this state-of-the-art medical facility doesn’t even have a firing range.  Or a dungeon!” 

     “Course, it wasn’t always so awesome.  A lot of spiders when we first moved in.  Plus, Sammy and I added our personal touches to make it more comfortable.  That mini fridge in the library, totally my idea.  It really pulled the room together, you know?”

     He chuckled a little at his Big Lebowski reference, disheartened when the only response was the hiss of the ventilator. 

     He reached over and gently combed his fingers through your hair.  Your skin was cool to the touch since your fever broke in the night.  That had to be a good sign, right? 

     “I’ve got a confession, but you gotta promise not to tell Sam, okay?  I never really wanted to live in the bunker full time.  Not at first.  Don’t get me wrong, I liked it!  It was our personal Batcave!  But Batman… he doesn’t live in the Batcave.  The Batcave is for work only.  And that was my plan.  Work in the bunker as a base of operations but live like we always did.  On the road.”

     Dean’s hand moved to yours, toying with your fingers.  You had such elegant hands.  You never wore jewelry, just like you never wore make-up.  You didn’t have a closet full of clothes.  You wore things of nice quality, but you didn’t have lots of them.  Only what you needed.  Same with everything else, you didn’t do fussy or extravagant.  But it wasn’t because you liked to keep things simple, it was because you were focused on living your life, not adorning it.  

     He liked that about you.  You were straightforward and up for anything.  You never hesitated to jump right in.  You were quick on your feet and quick with your wit.  You came up with better cover stories than he or Sam ever did.  Your contributions to the team were welcome and seamless, almost from the start.

     With anyone else, your eagerness might have come across as a need to prove yourself.  But you didn’t seem to be afflicted in that way.  You knew your worth.  You were confident.  And that rubbed off on everyone you came in contact with.  Cops, sheriffs, coroners, witnesses, victims.  All of them responded to you in ways that were remarkable.  Your presence calmed them.  Dean too.

     “The longer we stayed in the bunker, the more obvious it became that life on the road was never gonna be like it was before.  Sammy loved it, and I never could deny that kid anything.  But for me…. I dunno.  It took a while.  I even slept in Baby those first few nights.  Eventually, I picked out a room, got a bed that remembers me, and it was better.”

     “You were our first guest; did you know that?  Well Cas was, but he doesn’t sleep so that doesn’t really count.  You were the first non-Winchester to sleep in the Batcave.  On that old army cot, remember?  Tried to get you to take my bed… stubborn.  You were so stiff the next day you could barely walk, but you stuck it out.  You should have taken me up on it, I was on the couch most nights anyway.  Nightmares.”

     “I’ll never forget the morning I woke up and found you there with me.  All warm and cuddled up against me.  I moved and you shushed me in your sleep, mumbled that everything was okay.  God, I don’t think I’d ever slept that good.  We went to that diner in town for breakfast and I asked you to move in.  Sammy nearly choked on his egg whites,” Dean laughed softly at the memory.  “The bunker was a home then.”

     “If you were awake, you’d probably laugh and tell me what I sap I am.  And you’d be right, but I can’t help it.  It’s you, Y/N.  You have this magic… I don’t know what else to call it.  You don’t even have to say anything, and my heart starts to race.  I think about you, more than I should.  In ways that I shouldn’t, and I can’t stop.  I don’t want to stop.”

     “I love you, Y/N.  In case you don’t know; in case you can hear me in your dreams right now… I love you.  I’ve always loved you and if you stay, if you come back to me… I’m going to show you every day just how much.”

     Now:      He tried to speak, but you moved your fingers to his lips to stop him.  Tears shimmered in your eyes, but you managed a wavering smile. 

     “I love you too.”

     You watched the conflicting emotions flicker across his handsome face.  Joy and torment.  Ecstasy and pain.  He traced the underside of your jaw with his fingers, making your shiver inside and your eyes closed on a sigh.  When his lips connected with yours, it was electric!  The world shifted.  Colors, tastes, sensations, all redefined from that moment.  Soft and warm and connected on a level that could only come from love. 

     It was everything you’d ever dreamt his kiss could be, and it ended far too quickly.

     He rested his forehead against yours, puffs of white, heated breath mingling between you.  After a few minutes, he brushed the tears from your cheeks with his thumb, “Don’t cry, Sweetheart.  It breaks my heart when you cry.”

     “Don’t send me away.  Please don’t send me away.”

     “Baby, that bunker is no place for you.  There are no windows, the ventilation is crap, there’s a mildew problem.  I talked to those doctors about the type of environment an asthmatic should live in… Bomb shelter from the fifties didn’t make the cut.”

     “I’ve been living there for five years without an issue,” you pointed out.

     “Yeah, with a humidifier and inhalers.  But it’s different now, that round of pneumonia damaged your lungs.  You need to be someplace where its easier to breathe, not harder.”

     “You’re right.  Which is why Sam and I have been designing a new HVAC system.”

     That stopped him, “Really?  Why didn’t you guys tell me?”

     “Because you went all emo and hid in your room for a month.”

     “I’m not emo!  What kind of HVAC system?”

     “A kick ass one,” you grinned so that your tongue peeked out between your teeth.  “Any other concerns?”

     “What about hunting?” he challenged.

     “I don’t know,” you answered honestly and there was a pang of longing that went with it.  “I have no idea if I’ll ever get back to the physical condition I was before all of this.  No matter how hard I work for it or wish for it and the truth is… going into the field with that kind of a handicap is not in the cards.”

     Dean nodded grimly and dropped his gaze to his lap.  Admitting the possibility of an early retirement was killing you, and he knew it.  You loved hunting, it was as much a part of you as it was for him.  The uncertainty of not knowing if you could do it again, must be terrifying for you.

     “I’m sorry.”

     “I’m not.”  His head shot up and you shrugged, “Most hunters don’t get sidelined, they get killed.  My life might not look they way I thought it was going to, but I’m still here.  Living it.  I’m going to take that win and run with it.”

     “You’re amazing, you know that?  You’re so damn strong… your life got turned upside down and you just roll with it.”  Those impossibly green eyes looked at you with such awe, like he couldn’t quiet believe that you actually existed. 

     “You deserve the best, and that’s not me.”

     “That’s not for you to say.”

     “Doesn’t matter, it’s my choice.”

     “That’s where you’re wrong,” you lifted your chin in proud defiance, “Team Freewill, right?  I will always have a choice, no matter what hand you try to deal me.  I love you, Dean Winchester!  And I am never going to stop.  And I am never going to disappear from your life.  Even if you tell me to hit the bricks, I’ll still call and text and email and whatever just to make sure you’re still alive and well.  Even if this ends, I will still love you!  You ridiculous man!”

     There was a change in his gaze, subtle but there all the same.  He shook his head with a chuckle.  He knew when he was beat, and he was grateful for it.

     “Your cheeks turn the prettiest shade of pink when you get all worked up, you know that?”

     “My cheeks are pink because it’s freezing out here!”

     Dean ripped his coat off and wrapped it over yours, “Damn it, Y/N!  I knew you were cold!”

     “Well, if you were any kind of a boyfriend, you’d take my back to the car and warm me up properly!”

     He was pulling the hood up over your head when he paused, “Boyfriend, huh?”

     “Yeah, the kind that warms his girl up in the backseat,” you grinned and playfully rubbed your nose against his.

     He growled in your ear and stood, sweeping you up in his arms and making you yelp in delight. 

     “Dean!  I can still walk, you know!”

     “Save your energy, Sweetheart, you’re gonna need it.  Tonight, we’re gonna fog up all the windows!”

#dean x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean x y/n #dean x you #dean winchester #jensen x reader #jensen x y/n #jensen ackles #supernatural #spn fic #Breathe Free

[mlobsters]

supernatural s10e3 soul survivor (w. brad buckner, eugenie ross-leming)

(i feel like eugenie and brad episodes have been on the better side of things generally? that's why i tag the writers in the post so i can theoretically go back and get a ~feel~ for how i felt in an organized fashion esp since i can't remember episodes names/numbers for shit)

priest blessing?? whatever the blood to de-demon dean also inexplicably has an accent

dean, i'm begging you, please bring your voice back up a smidge. also i really thought the demon arc was longer! probably because fic is fleshing out all that potential they left hanging

oh, jackles directed this one. he shoulda given himself notes that he's... coming across very forced in this little chat in the chair. :S

oh, sam. padalecki's been coming through on the worn down and emotional

DEAN Sam, I know you think you’re gonna try and fix me, but … did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to be fixed? Just let me go live my life. I won’t bother you. What do you care? SAM What do I care? DEAN You think I’m just gonna sit here like Crowley? Getting all weepy while you shoot me up? Well, screw that. I don’t want this! SAM Yeah, I pretty much figured that out

dean's turn with the soulless(ish) desire to stay as such

speaking of forced, this weird romantic-ish tension they're trying to do with hannah and castiel is weird

margiekugel's got a neon sign and everything, fancy

wiki

Margiekugel is a beer from Wisconsin created for the show that is named after Production Designer Jerry Wanek's mom (see Leinenkugel).

okay so i thought the whole deal for the dude's wife/crowley wanting dean to do it was strange, well. okay, sam. but we know scruples go out the window when dean needs saving

cracked me up. lurking in the bushes yelling out a correction. also, jared, i can see your gum, dude -_-

i'm kinda seething along with sam because like yeah dean's trying and probably succeeding at getting under sam's skin but he's also saying stuff that isn't true and you know what a fucking uptight ass i am about things like that :p

DEAN Let me ask you this, Sammy: If this doesn’t work, we both know what you got to do to me, right? You got the stomach for that, Sam?!

or we could shaun of the dead the situation

LOL i was wondering if there was a throne. also, i paused twice because i thought the background hell-wailing in the show was one of my kids upstairs crying for me 🥴 almost a third time but i stopped myself

CROWLEY I was thinking of better days. DEMON Yes—your sabbatical. CROWLEY My what? DEMON Uh, we were worried, of course. Your misadventure with the older Winchester was quite the topic of speculation. Uh, if you’ll forgive my boldness… I could now be your wingman.

i'm just. having a hard time believing crowley was really that starry eyed over demon!dean? he's a permanent flirt but also very practical and not exactly sentimental. oh, is he still doing the human blood thing? i haven't really wrapped that into my little character model in my head for him :p

forced to have a semi-scenic stop and chat

this is so strange. he's not interested, she's making good points but then gets all grabby and close like she's gonna go in for a kiss or something

DEAN You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since … forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!

very effective at pushing every sore spot and insecurity. sadly didn't get much feeling out of me other than stress on sam's behalf. i fear they've broken some of my emotional attachment to the show somehow

DEAN You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit. SAM No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!

only way to quit is to die. but even then it's probably not gonna work

self immolating demon, ok. that seems very specifically not demon like, in the slightest???

CASTIEL Just … I’ve been around humans for long enough to see how easily distractions occur. HANNAH “Distractions.” CASTIEL Emotions, feelings … They’re dangerous temptations.

and they're going to try to help save dean because... nothing to do with emotions or feelings on castiel's part? what. just because you're not interested, don't go blaming it on having ~distracting emotions~

is it time for hannah to die? is she gonna... reup castiel's grace?

sink

how old is that pie??? ew.

it's the mushy familiar music again, but this time... strings? so we've had piano twice (that i noticed), some horn-ish thing and now like.. cello?

i do appreciate that we have more pictures, with bobby and the boys as grownups together too. and it's sweet that they can just use s1 happy behind the scenes type pictures and make it sam and dean

oh, crowley can steal some grace so we don't have to have a moral crisis

mhmm

(mushy music came back briefly during the chat through the door before dean broke it down)

so i did know about the hammer via fic. jackles seemed to be having fun being on his little merry violent hunt. made think (the little i know) of his character in the boys

ok

CASTIEL Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.

(mushy music AGAIN [piano variation] at the end of dean and cas's conversation)

DEAN What did Sam say? Does he want a divorce?

very normal joke (??) to make about your brother, especially when you basically had a handfasting ceremony in a church along with the other 10 years of things like that. but we're the josie grossies for shipping it. uh huh

CASTIEL I’m sure Sam knows that whatever you said or what you did, it wasn’t really you. It certainly wasn’t all you. DEAN I tried to kill him, Cas. CASTIEL Dean. You two have been through so much. Look, you’re brothers. It’d take a lot more than trying to kill Sam with a hammer to make him want to walk away. DEAN You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?

that "you're brothers" feels tacked on to make it seem less weird

DEAN I’m glad you’re here, man. CASTIEL Hey, maybe you should um … take some time before you get back to work. Allow yourself to heal. It’s, uh … I don’t know. The timing might be right. Heaven and Hell—they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there.

does that means it's time to trigger another apocalypse? surely need at least 3 running subplots as well. i have no idea actually, i avoid too plot specific stuff of the later seasons in fic these days so i'm not sure what's on deck

they could have milked demon!dean for more in a lot more fun ways (which i surely would have complained about, "don't tempt sam with demon blood 😭") for longer, remain surprised how quick they wrapped it up. they dragged out lying about stabbing jewel staite for HOW MANY EPISODES???? lol

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 10x03 #spn clip #spn musical score #spn bunker #demon dean #brad buckner #eugenie ross leming #spn mushy music #sam and dean mush

[fbfh]

I hope you’re doing well and starting hydrated and eating well!!!!! im sorry I haven’t read the school for good and evil books and barely paid attention to the movie but can you tell me how someone being blonde has anything to do with their personality? Lol idk maybe you were joking about that Tedros thing im sorry I’m not understanding 😭 idk man ppl saying someone’s hair color is important? I’m kinda weary after that whole Annabeth Chase thing (not saying you were being like that here I’m just genuinely wondering)

-🩴

HI FLIP FLOP!!!!!! I'm actually bouncing back from like three days of awful dehydration so this couldn't have come at a better time!!! (i'm drinking water as we speak so no worries) (also literally all of this is pure opinion and conjecture!!!!!)

this is a fantastic question and I'm so glad you asked it!!! the answer is it usually does not lol. I have a personal opinion/theory that there's hair color that's random and hair color that's actually a core pillar of your personality. Percy and Annabeth are actually perfect examples, because they don't act brunette and blonde enough for that to be necessary to the actors playing them so the actors hair color doesn't matter as long as they can portray the characters well (which they do I adore Walker and Leah), and the whole big deal of them "having the wrong hair color" was people associating that hair color with that character instead of it actually having to do with their personalities. But with characters like Lorelai Gilmore and Elle Woods their hair colors aren't just hair color, it's a huge part of their personality, so even if Elle had died her hair brown in legally blonde, it wouldn't have changed her Blonde personality. Personality hair color doesn't have to be natural either, I could never bleach my hair and I will always be Blonde (and I actually have a theory that most if not all of the kids in athena cabin that don't have naturally blonde hair have blonde personalities which is where "most children of athena are blonde" comes from. they have bi monthly bleach and tone nights as a group bonding activity.) So characters like Marcus Baker, Schmidt from new girl, and even Sam and Dean Winchester, their hair color has absolutely nothing to do with their personality, but Max Mayfield, Alex Russo, and Miss Piggy might feel a little off if they were played by someone with a different hair color. Part of that might just be associating that hair color with that character, but I think it's because the latter have personality hair colors instead of random hair colors.

with Tedros (in all fairness I haven't read all the books and I started reading them a long time ago) being blonde is in fact a huge part of his personality. I think Jamie Flatters (the guy who played Tedros) did a really good job at portraying him, and he also has a really similar face/bone structure to the cover art, so it was a great casting choice and the only thing missing was Blonde. it might not have effected his acting but I have a feeling it would have just a teeny tiny bit and that would have been the difference between Blonde tedros and Brunette tedros. Plus I love the pairing of blonde golden retriever tedros x angsty gloomy brunette agatha.

TLDR it's objectively not a huge deal bc Jamie did a great job and I'm sure his hair color wasn't something he had control over, plus if Soman didn't care it's fine, I care a lot because this is a big deal to me and only me and is something I get fired up about (and probably to anyone else emotionally attached to Blonde tedros)

#flip flop anon #I think part of it is probably 'do you identify really really strongly with a certain hair color?' #personality hair color people will say YES!!!!!!! #also it can be really specific shades of hair colors too #like I am specifically platinum blonde and have wanted plaintum hair for literally as long as I could remember #I would daydream about it and portray myself like that in drawings and stuff cause it was a huge part of my personality yk #it's like that quote #'the difference is subtle but important to some' #i'm some #ALSO I HOPE NONE OF THIS COMES OFF AS AGRESSIVE OR MAD OR ANYTHING CAUSE I'M NOT AT ALL!!!! /GEN #this is simply something I've been talking about for days and days yk #anyway I'M GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN FLIP FLOP I MISSED YOU!!!! <333

[according-to-the-laura]

StackedNatural Day 182: 6x21, 6x22, 9x23, 10x23

StackedNatural Masterpost: [x]

May 20, 2022

6x21: Let It Bleed

Written by: Sera Gamble

Directed by: John F. Showalter

Original air date: May 20, 2011

Plot Synopsis:

Dean's worst nightmare comes true when a demon kidnaps Ben and Lisa in order to get to him. The brothers are forced to join forces with an unlikely ally to free them.

Features:

H.P. Lovecraft, Crowley kidnapping Ben and Lisa, torturing a bunch of demons to death, Balthazar confronting Cas, Bobby’s monster ex-girlfriend, Lisa getting possessed, Dean taking John’s parenting style, wiping Lisa and Ben’s memories.

My Thoughts:

This is an episode made for the Deangirls and I’m here for it. All I need is for my favourite guy to get absolutely brutally emotionally wrecked for 40 minutes and I’m happy. 

I didn’t realize how early it was in the show that all the writers collectively agreed that it was fine to Dean to torture a bunch of demons even though there’s a whole damn episode on how it’ll cause irreparable damage to his psyche and his soul. So that part is no good for me. However, the star-crossed-lovers aspects of them fighting on different sides but Cas still appearing in time to save his life and heal Lisa is extremely delicious. Both of them care about each other so much, but not enough to abandon their own side. That’s the stuff of tragedy. 

I would also like to point out a delightful parallel in Cas saying “you’re just a man. I’m an angel,” to Dean in TMWWBK and Ellie telling Bobby “You’re just a man” after they’d been talking about their explicitly romantic relationship. 

I love the scene where Dean goes to say goodbye to Ben and Lisa. It’s absolutely gorgeous writing to have Dean ostensibly apologizing about losing control and hitting them in a car accident after he’s just slapped Ben and forced him into a hunter role that he wasn’t prepared for, and after he metaphorically crashed into their lives and brought monsters and demons with him. 

Notable Lines:

“Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

“Thank you. I wish this changed anything.” “I know. So do I.”

“I'm Dean. I'm the guy who hit you. I just, I lost control for a minute, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 9.1

IMdB Rating: 8.6

6x22: The Man Who Knew Too Much

Written by: Eric Kripke

Directed by: Robert Singer

Original air date: May 20, 2011

Plot Synopsis:

The wall comes down in Sam's head and all hell breaks loose. Dean and Bobby are, for once, at a total loss on how to help him and are forced to stand by and do nothing while Sam breaks. The battle for heaven comes to a head.

Features:

Sam’s amnesia, Cas breaking Sam’s wall, Sam running around through his own memories, confronting the soulless version of yourself, Cas renegotiating the terms of the deal, the part of Sam that remembers Hell, killing Balthazar, demons flipping the Impala, Crowley leaving Cas for Raphael, Cas atomizing Raphael, Sam stabbing Cas in the back, 

My Thoughts:

I really like the format of the first part of this episode. It does feel really epic, really interesting, and definitively finale-worthy. I love seeing Sam have to make the conscious decision to reintegrate the parts of himself that he’s scared of. Also, El Sol in the background of the bar where he meets Robin - he’s trapped in a false reality. The first 10 minutes or so really reminded me of Born Under a Bad Sign, when Sam was possessed by Meg and she faked amnesia after a killing spree. 

It’s a little wild how attached I was to Balthazar when I first got in to Supernatural, how sad I was when he died, versus how often I remember him as a character these days. I guess that’s the price of a show running for 15 years. Regardless, his death was very great. I love it lighting up the whole building. 

In retrospect, I think I really like season 6? Which is not something I would have considered possible when starting this project. Even though I do think it struggles with the narrative compared to seasons 4 and 5, it’s wildly well-maintained compared to seasons 9 and 10, and the coming together of the civil war and the purgatory plotlines is well done. 

Robert Singer’s terrible zooms did ruin that last beat of the episode, though. 

Notable Lines:

“Now, what's the matter, Raphael? Somebody clip your wings?”

“Listen, I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you... Please. I've lost Lisa, I've lost Ben, and now I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you too.”

“'m not an angel anymore. I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 9.1

IMdB Rating: 9.0

9x23: Do You Believe in Miracles?

Written by: Jeremy Carver

Directed by: Thomas J. Wright

Original air date: May 20, 2014

Plot Synopsis:

The influence of the mark on Dean reaches new heights, as Metatron begins to reveal himself to humanity.

Features:

Metatron going viral, Crowley desperately trying to seduce Dean, heaven’s playground, the love of the masses, Gadreel’s suicide, broadcasting your villain monologue, howling at the moon.

My Thoughts:

As an episode I guess this one is relatively fine? The only parts that I really get excited about are Cas draping himself in the flag of Heaven and the very last scene. 

Gadreel sacrificing himself to save Cas and Heaven is objectively the perfect way for his character progression to end, but unfortunately the writing of his character and the actor playing him fail to make me care about him so it didn’t have the impact that it wanted to have. 

I wish the battle where Dean was killed by Metatron was a bit more epic - maybe it doesn’t hit as hard when I’m also taking notes on my laptop while watching it. At the very least, Dean looks good covered in blood and in pinky-red lighting, so that’s a win. 

The last scene is great for Drowley lovers, although the silhouette of him standing in the door with his long coat does initially make it ambiguous whether it’s Cas or Crowley watching over his dead body. I do remember absolutely losing my mind at the black eyes when this episode first aired - it’s a shame they do so little with Demon Dean in season 10, because in retrospect it just doesn’t excite me the way that it should. 

Notable Lines:

You never get tired of the rat race? Never get the urge to just...bugger off and howl at the moon? Never ask yourself, ‘is this it? Is this all there is?’”

“To save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

“Open your eyes, Dean. See what I see. Feel what I feel. And let's go take a howl at that moon.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 6.2

IMdB Rating: 9.3

10x23: Brother's Keeper

Written by: Jeremy Carver

Directed by: Phil Sgriccia

Original air date: May 20, 2015

Plot Synopsis:

Dean comes to a stunning decision that will alter his life -- as well as Sam's; Rowena and Crowley face off, putting Castiel in the middle.

Features:

The Fan Fiction version of Carry on Wayward Son, less-than-functional alcoholism, wildly unnecessary misogyny, Dean seeing Cas in a motel bathroom mirror, summoning Death, the chain of the Mark of Cain, Oskar the immortal Polish boy, killing Death, rabid Cas, removing the Mark and releasing the Darkness.

My Thoughts:

This is the episode that made me so annoyed I gave up on Supernatural (I thought) forever in 2015!

At the time the thing that annoyed me the most was killing Death, a character that I loved, in service of the same emotional plot they’d used over and over at that point. @meg3point0 and I actually started yelling and swearing at the TV when we watched it when it first aired. 

I do like a few scenes quite a lot - particularly the scene where Dean destroys the motel room after seeing Cas and Rudy in the mirror as the completely immoral and unforgivable things he’d done under the influence of the Mark. I thought Crowley’s confrontation with Rowena and monologue about how she was incapable of loving him was quite good, Mark Sheppard is great at that sort of scene. 

There are two major pacing issues in this episode, and that’s with Oskar and the darkness. We met Oskar in one previous episode very briefly and with no connection to Rowena, so there’s no inherent emotion in her sacrifice of him for her own freedom. Ruthie acts the scene magnificently, of course, but in terms of the writing his death just doesn’t matter to me. The Darkness has the same problem; its very first mention is in this episode moments before it becomes the new Big Bad. Generally I like Carver, but that’s a pretty big error as showrunner; you’d think he would have learned from Sera Gamble’s mistakes with the leviathans’ introduction. It needed to be alluded to earlier to be a compelling villain - maybe if it had been, I would have watched season 11 long enough to make it to Baby and been hooked back in to the show permanently. 

Also, there’s a lot of really unnecessary misogyny that I didn’t care for. I get that they’re trying to show the effect of the Mark on Dean, but it would have been just as effective as showing him with a general contempt for humanity as a whole without calling a dead teenager a whore. Plus so much of what made the Mark interesting is how he convinced himself he was doing the right thing and what made him angry enough for it to take over so often being people he cared about getting hurt. When the scene with the dead girl started and he clenched his fist I thought he was pissed she’d been killed, but instead he was just gross. 

And then, after having watched all of season 11 and Amara’s obsession with Dean, Dean wasn’t even the one who released her - Sam and Cas and Rowena were. There could have been some great parallels to Ruby if she’d been obsessed with Sam, and I think we all would have one if she’d been into Rowena. 

Notable Lines:

“Everyone loves something.”

“Before there was light, before there was God and the archangels, there wasn't nothing. There was the Darkness.”

“All my long life, I wondered what I'd done to deserve a mother who refused to show love. [...] Then one day, epiphany struck. My mother was incapable of loving anything. For the first time in hundreds of years, I felt free. And then you showed up in my dungeon, we communed, and I began to realize you weren't incapable of love. You're incapable of loving me.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 5.6

IMdB Rating: 9.1

In Conclusion: One episode remains…..

<< Previous Day  |  Next Day >>

#Stackednatural #supernatural #spn #6x21 #Let It Bleed #6x22 #The Man Who Knew Too Much #9x23 #Do You Believe in Miracles #10x23 #Brother's Keeper #second last day #can you all believe i made it this far

[crispyblondemoved]

Ghost!Verse Information

 So Jess says no to the reaper because she’s in a panic as she watches Sam nearly get himself burned up for her. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen but all she’s thinking about is how hard Sam’s going to feel the guilt over her death and to make sure that he knows not to trust Brady. Additionally, she’s seen firsthand that Dean will be there to protect Sam, but she doesn’t fully know or trust him and a part of her worries about them becoming alienated from each other with the fallout of her death.

I headcanon that their apartment at the very least was completely burnt up, if not most or all of the apartment building itself. Rather than attaching to what’s left of her body, since all of her reasons for refusing to go with the reaper deal with Sam her spirit instead attaches to a necklace Sam had gotten her for her birthday that year. She’d accidentally left it at home when she’d visited last and her dad had meant to drive it out to her or mail it back but he hadn’t gotten around to it. 

The boys spend a week in Palo Alto after Jessica’s death and while Jessica’s family hold her funeral in her hometown of San Francisco, her father goes to Stanford in search of some of her artwork and if anything had been salvageable from the fire. He gives the necklace to Sam, with a tearful speech about how Jess would have wanted him to have it and that he was there for Sam and understood if he couldn’t bring himself to come to Jess’s funeral.

After that, Jess realizes that she’s chained to the necklace, silently on the road alongside Sam and Dean. She tries to talk to Sam, move objects, anything to get him to notice but she continues to fall short. Her anger ebbs and flows, but she’s never quite to the point where her rage is enough for her presence to finally be seen. 

She’s not always there to see the horrors of all of the monsters the brothers are initially chasing down as it is all dependent on whether Sam has the necklace on him or not. Notably, she is not present for anything with the house in Lawrence, but she does get some ghostly advice from some of the ghosts in the asylum in Rockford in hopes of soon being able to get Sam to at least set her soul free before she toes the line of becoming vengeful in any capacity. 

sidebar about her reaction to watching Sam & certain characters:

Lori Sorenson - she’s jealous as hell, primarily because seeing Sam kiss someone else for the first time, no matter how brief really got her stomach churning especially because she’s right there with him and he has no idea. she’s also a bit more of a simple, reserved girl and jess wonders if that’s what he would have preferred in her.

Meg 1.0 first encounter - boy how do you not see that she’s weirdly attaching to you so early?? i don’t trust her?? how did she end up at the bus station with you and why was she so insistent on ‘come to california with me uwu’ like girl back up. at least he got his head on straight to stick to his guns about finding dean, despite her insistence. 

Sarah Blake - no dean she’s so hot and badass wtf and i’m right here. no, i’m not okay with it 

#Couldn't Leave Like That

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

@rogue-translator reblogged your post “Eric Kripke: I’m pitching a show about American...”

#i saw an interesting idea that while the show was supposed to be about sam #dean was a more interesting character and jensen was a better actor #so obvs sam took a back seat #but the finale was basically trying to shoehorn sam back into the lead position #like he was originally supposed to be #and it just.... didn't work #supernatural #spn

First of all kudos for the url...

The idea was that the story was ~about the two brothers~, which I suppose would share screentime in a fairly balanced manner, but Sam was intended to the the point-of-view character, the “filter” we would experience the story through.

It makes sense on paper: Sam is a character in a situation we can relate to (college student living a regular life), whom something happens to we can sympathize with (he loses his girlfriend tragically) and who - while he knows about that world having grown up in it - has distanced himself from the world of the supernatural, so we, the audience, who enter into that world for the first time as we watch the show, “enter” that world together with Sam as he re-enters it.

Dean, on the other hand, is a character who’s always been in that world, so he can’t be our “guide” into entering it. He also has a lifestyle we can’t really relate to, because the audience in front of the tv is obviously closer to the college guy than the rebellious nomadic monster-killer. He doesn’t have attachments other than to this mysterious missing dad, and is a generally mysterious person himself, so Dean is sort of an object to discover and decode rather than a subject to identify with.

Enter Jensen Ackles and Dean is suddenly a magnetic character who exudes a vulnerability that people can, indeed, relate to.

Enter Sera Gamble, Raelle Tucker, and John Shiban (I’d say the authors who most explored Dean in s1) and they do write Dean in a way that’s interesting and touching.

(Sera Gamble is a weird case, because she can do utter disasters but also write really good things, one could argue she’s the one person who most drove Supernatural from Kripke’s original idea to what we actually got, she’s the one who most drove the story away from ‘urban legends’ to religious themes & co, and while I haven’t seen the Magicians I know that she’s both the person who built a very interesting story and destroyed it.)

Dean and Jensen have carried the show all along both because Dean ended up a more compelling character and also because Dean has the strongest (narratively and emotionally) relationships. All the most interesting side characters have relationships with Dean, with a few exceptions (and again if a side character has a relationship with Sam, their exchanges with Dean are still more interesting, just think of Ruby!).

Crowley was supposed to be “associated” to Sam in the Carver era, to balance Dean’s association to Cas (s7 ends with Crowley making a cruel speech to Sam, the scene in the church where Sam almost turns Crowley human, Rowena using Sam to kill Crowley...) but Crowley ends up having a massive arc with Dean and a love triangle with Dean and Cas, which is why the Carver era is so unbalanced towards Dean XD (Then the writers did their best to make Rowena a “Sam character”, but at that point she was quite her own character with her story with Crowley and all, so it wasn’t really a narrative-supporting arc.)

Mary was both Dean’s and Sam’s mother, but her relationship is with Dean. Jack was presumably supposed to be associated to Sam more, too, with Sam taking him under his wing while Cas is dead and Dean blames Jack for it, but the relationship between Dean and Jack is the one that immediately stands out and gets developed.

One of the most unrealistic thing about the show is having all the side characters talk about “SamandDean” “the Winchesters” all the time when what they actually mean is “Dean and his brother”, if not just “Dean” at all.

#rogue-translator #spn

[i-make-fun-of-spn-characters]

I feel like you've given most spn related things some lil spice but I always love the spice on this : hot spicy take on the "Dean is the most horrible character and ruins everyone's life and Sam and Cas are poor little meow meows who only do bad things sometimes because tyran Dean farted in their direction" takes that are not really only said by anti-Dean peeps ? Obsessed with that incredible thesis and would love the added spice ❤

SPICY HOT HOT GHOST PEPPERS CAROLINA REAPERS HELP I'M BURNING

I really try to respect other people’s opinions, and I believe there are a wealth of ways to interpret a story, and I think that’s a deeply beautiful thing. This applies to interpretations I don't agree with and outright dislike as well. That said, some opinions are simply and objectively bad, dishonest, and/or demonstrably false, and I truly do not believe you can sit down and honestly watch through the show with an open mind about all the characters, truly pay attention to what they do, say, and believe, and come to the conclusion that this show is about an evil manipulative abusive man terrorizing his pure and sinless brother and friend. It is an interpretation built from cherry picking facts to suit an ugly, miserable theory, making Mount Everest out of a bunch of the tiny mole hills, making the worst possible presumptions of feelings and intentions, and holding characters to completely different standards in order to neatly divide them into "abused" and "abuser" in a way that, frankly, fetishizes the abused person. I despise this interpretation of the story with every fiber of my being, and I have absolutely no respect for the opinion of anyone who peddles it, regardless of who they cast as villain/victim (because people have also done this with the others—it’s just more “popular” to do it with Dean... I mean... does anyone else remember how people were shitting on Sam after his emotional reaction in 14.12? Calling him an evil abuser? Because I do).

The thing that always gets me about this take isn't just how dishonest, unfair, mean-spirited, and compassionless it is in its treatment of Dean’s feelings, circumstances, and intentions... but how deeply reductive and offensive it is toward Sam and Castiel, sucking away their identities to turn them into effigies to mourn for their sad, Stockholm syndrome-esque attachment to their "abuser". Further, it grips the heart of the show—the relationship between Sam and Dean, and then the relationship among TFW as a whole—in a tight, uncompromising fist and pulverizes it. It literally rips out the heart of the show (the RELATIONSHIPS) and replaces it with something unprepossessing of any merit: A miserable, 15 years long story about a malicious abuser getting away with terrorizing those closest to him for his entire life, while his poor abuse victims suffer through until they die for him/happy to be reunited with him because they “don’t know any better” and never ever learned better, I guess. What a stupid, sad sack of a story.

Castiel is a thousands of years old celestial being who has literally beaten Dean into the pavement under no form of mind control, and has shown over and over again that he will do whatever the hell he wants, regardless of whatever Dean thinks about being sidelined. If he thinks whatever he is doing is in Dean's best interest, he literally does not care how Dean feels about it. He will nod and smile and then fly off and swallow thousands of souls with Dean begging him not to, shove Dean out of the way to attack the big bad, leave Dean alone in Purgatory, refuse to come out of Purgatory so he can self-flagellate, fly off with the angel tablet, help Sam with the Book of the Damned, let Lucifer possess him without anyone's knowledge or agreement, come into Dean's room under the guise of apologizing for ghosting him so that he can steal The Colt out from under his pillow and murder someone, decide not to murder that person and still prevent Sam and Dean from helping by knocking them both unconscious, get himself killed, make a deal to trade his life for Jack's and never tell anyone, hide information and worries and ignore phone calls, ghost Sam and Dean, and bicker and fight with Dean as if they are a married couple. Love sickness and feelings of worthlessness (which Cas has a wealth of reasons to feel—many of which aren’t even related to Dean but to his heavenly family) are reinterpreted as the result of some sort of constant, terrorizing emotional abuse. Power and authority that Dean does not actually have is forced into his hands by these fans. Maybe listen when Cas says, “Hey—not everything is your fault.” Maybe listen when he says “I loved the whole world because of you”, calls Dean a role model, says he enjoys their conversations, offers to die with him and dies for him multiple times. Maybe treat these feelings as genuine and valid and HIS and not as the delusions of some poor manipulated baby. 

Sam is framed this way even more often than Cas, and it's a damn shame, because what I typically see is this: Sam’s development into a mediator and peacemaker is twisted and reinterpreted as coming from a place of weakness and/or fear. Rationality, maturity, wisdom, and compassion are not the traits of a scared, powerless child. They are the traits of a mature adult, who has been beaten down by life, and fought and raged against his circumstances, and somehow come out of it with more kindness and understanding and strength instead of less. He has made his own decisions whenever it was possible, within the set of circumstances doled out to him. From telling his dad to go fuck himself and going to college, to getting back into hunting to avenge Jess (NOT because of Dean—Dean took him home without complaint at the end of the woman in white case), to continuing to hunt after their father died because he wanted to feel close to him (Dean was actually weirded out and sort of disgusted by this), raging and fighting to save Dean from his deal against Dean’s wishes, continuing to hunt and working with Ruby (directly against Dean’s dying wish), drinking demon blood, jumping in the cage, leaving hunting to go be with Amelia, coming back to hunting to save Kevin, fighting with Dean over what he had with Amelia and threatening to leave if Dean didn't shut his mouth, leaving Amelia to go back to hunting (Dean ultimately suggests he go back to her—Sam chooses to stay), trying to kill Benny, demanding to be the one to do The Trials and saying he is going to SURVIVE them—that being the ENTIRE POINT, losing that resolve in a fit of depression but choosing to drop the knife, demanding space from Dean (and being given it), fighting to save Demon Dean who didn’t want to be found or saved, using the Book of the Damned against Dean’s wishes, telling Charlie that this is what he wants—that he used to want normal but now all he wants is to hunt with Dean and that he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he can’t have that, unleashing the Darkness in his desperation to keep Dean with him and even saying, “I would do it again” in the aftermath, saving the town being destroyed by Amara, getting into The Cage with Lucifer, leading a team against the British Men of Letters, nurturing Jack, punching Dean in the face when he was going to sacrifice himself, leading more hunters, wielding a gun against Chuck... and that’s just some highlights. Sam Fucking Winchester does not need your bullshit about him being some sad, scared, helpless baby lorded over by mean old Dean who has never let him do anything he wants. 

Yes, in the text itself, there is jealousy and resentment at times, and there is legitimate and righteous anger on Sam’s part on a few occasions. There is blame cast on Dean by Sam for some of these choices/circumstances. Some of those moments where Dean is blamed are legitimate, and some of them... frankly, are not. Within the framework of the fucked up dynamics of the way they were raised, Sam and some fans bristle when they feel Dean is casting himself as the parent he is not, but Sam also has been guilty in the past of trying to reframe himself as Dean’s child when things got tough. Neither of them is responsible for the origin of that dynamic, but they BOTH have responsibility to change it, and they both, ultimately, succeed in doing so. For Sam, his part comes in recognizing and learning to fully own his own choices. Recognizing that he is not a child, and he is certainly not Dean’s child, and it isn’t just “Mummy—loosen the grip”, but Sam has to too—not claim independence only to blame Dean for his choices when his own decisions have an ultimate outcome he is unhappy with. That is a legitimate arc that Sam goes through imo, but he comes out the other side of it, and he and Dean relate to each other much better as peers from then on—and I’d like to note that throughout the entire series, when they don’t relate as perfect peers and teammates, it isn’t always Dean “bossing Sam around”, but Sam also trying to sideline Dean and yes—boss him around. And when they lied and hurt each other and yes, even manipulated each other, Dean most certainly wasn't always the one doing the lying and hurting and manipulating. Always, always, ALWAYS, they both had an understandable point of view, and it was complex, and you could understand why they made the choices they did, even if you thought of those choices as being wrong ones. 

I also would like to point out (because this is basically what I see all of the time) that Dean being hurt by someone or simply voicing his feelings or opinion is in no way abusive or manipulative. Dean is certainly charismatic and loved and his returning love and respect is often deeply desired, but he is not an actual siren, who bends people to his will simply by speaking or being. People are, in fact, able to tell him “no”, and frequently FREQUENTLY do. Further more, no one is owed his affection, his unwavering loyalty, or his trust. He has a right to his boundaries, regardless of if it makes some poor sad sap feel deprived of the “wellspring of coveted love” while he works through things. He can be hurt and angry, and he can wear his heart on his sleeve at times, and he can be flawed, and broken. [Insert Castiel's speech from 15.18 here]. So can Sam. So can Cas. None of them are manipulating each other by virtue of getting angry, feeling hurt, being traumatized, needing space, or having differing opinions or feelings. Sam didn’t punch Dean in the face in 14.12 because he's a cruel, manipulative abuser trying to force Dean under his thumb. He didn’t work behind Dean’s back with Ruby, insist on doing The Trials, beg Dean to use Doc Benton’s alchemy, use the Book of the Damned to cure Dean, pump him full of blood to cure him of being a demon despite the fact that it might kill him, or scream at him and fight him for wanting to get in the Ma’lak box because he “doesn’t respect his autonomy” and “wants to control him” and “doesn’t respect his right to his own body”. He did it because he loves him desperately, and Dean could stand to fucking hate himself less, and he fiercely wanted Dean to live even when Dean didn’t want to or couldn’t picture what that could be like. He didn’t force Dean to do anything simply by opening his mouth to voice disagreement and swaying Dean when he did so. Now reverse that. 

Cas didn't beat Dean into the ground in season 5 because he wanted to terrorize him into never going against Castiel ever again. He didn’t go behind his back dozens of times, sideline him, go MIA, all because he wanted to manipulate and control Dean and punish him. He didn’t throw sassy remarks at him to shatter his self-esteem. Now reverse that. 

*Breathes*

Anyway, fuck "X is abusive” interpretations. 

#being serious for 5 seconds #RANTING RANTING RANTING #spicy spicy ghost pepper extract #mail

[samdeancass]

Midnight Confessions

Requested by: @spnfangirl1314

Pairing: Dean x fem!reader

Genre: Fluff, Smut

Characters: Dean, Y/N

Description: After growing closer over the past few years, Dean and Y/N confess their ever growing feelings for each other.

Dean Winchester has been your friend for as long as you can remember. He was your first partner on a case and you both just clicked. You were able to tell him anything and you knew that he wouldn’t judge you; you trusted him with your life. 

Yours and Dean’s friendship was a rather unusual one. You both liked to cuddle one another, especially when the other is going through a hard time. When one begins to scream and shout, the other runs to their side and grabs them in their arms. 

Also, however, over the past few years, feelings has begun to develop between the two of you, but neither have ever admitted it. The sexual tension was becoming unbearable and you couldn’t keep your feelings a secret from him any longer. 

You grabbed a bottle of whiskey and two glasses before walking towards the bunker library where Dean was located, researching for another case. You placed a glass beside the book Dean was reading and poured the whiskey. Dean looked at you and raised an eyebrow inquisitively. “What’s this for?”

You finished pouring into Dean’s glass and began pouring it into yours. “There’s something I have to tell you, and I think I’m going to have to have a few drinks before I can.” Dean furrowed his eyebrows before picking up his glass and taking a swig of the whiskey, hissing as the burning liquid fell down his throat.

“Oookay. Not worrying at all.” You stifled a laugh before sitting down across from Dean. “Don’t worry, D. It’s nothing to worry about, I don’t think.” He pulled a bitch face. “That’s really not helping.” You giggled at Dean’s expression and downed your whiskey, grabbing the bottle to fill your glass back up.

A few hours and two bottles of whiskey later, the anxiety of telling Dean was completely gone and left you with a burning confidence. Laughter filled the room as you stood up on the table and began to dance to imaginary music. Dean began to clap as your moves became more sexual and erratic. He could feel the bulge in his pants growing, but he was trying his best not to pay attention to it.

Dean had loved you for as long as he could remember but he didn’t ever want to tell you in fear of ruining your friendship and losing you. But he was finding it increasingly hard to hide his feelings for you as you carried on your sexual moves in front of him.

His eyes opened wide, however, when your foot slipped on the table and you landed right in his lap. A loud giggle escaped your lips at your current predicament as you looked up at Dean. You immediately got lost in his green eyes, staring straight into them. 

Dean stared straight back down into yours, his breathing becoming increasingly uneven. A few moments later, the gap between the two of you closed as your mouths attacked each other. 

You maneuvered yourself to straddle Dean’s lap, wrapping your hands around his neck. His hands landed on your hips, kneading your closed skin. A battle of teeth and tongues commenced in a hot, sweaty fight for dominance. Dean’s hands travelled underneath your pants and squeezed your ass, causing you to gasp. 

Dean took his chance and began attacking your mouth. Your hands travelled up his neck to his hair and pulled, causing a low groan to emit from him. Wetness began to pool in your underwear as Dean began to explore your body, his fingers delicately tracing every inch of your skin. 

“Dean. Need you now.” You heaved yourself off Dean in a hurry to unbutton your pants and pull them off, your underwear following suit. Dean followed your lead and unzipped his jeans, palming himself through his underwear. He slid his jeans down slightly and his member sprung up, bouncing against his stomach.

Your mouth watered at the size of him. Dean reached forward and gently pulled you towards him. He palmed himself a couple more times before you gently straddled him, allowing your walls to stretch to his size. 

You hissed as his member fully entered you and waited a few seconds before moving. Slowly, you began to move up and down, his member completely filling you up. He began to move in rhythm with you, his dick hitting your g-spot every time. 

Once again, your mouths attached themselves to each other as your hands wandered each others bodies. You could feel a familiar feeling building up inside your stomach as Dean pounded up into you. “I’m nearly there, Dean.” He leant forward to touch his forehead with yours, sweat completely dripping from the both of you. 

“Wait for me, sweetheart. I’m so close.” A few more thrusts into you and you both fell apart together, pleasurable moans falling from both of your mouths. You fell onto Dean’s chest in exhaustion as he kissed the top of your head.

“I love you, Y/N. I have done from the first time I lay eyes on you. I just want to tell you in case you didn’t feel the same way. But, now I know.” You looked up at Dean and gave him a warm smile before placing a gentle kiss on his lips., confirming your feelings for him. “I love you to, Dean Winchester.”

He carefully pulled out of you before grabbing a blanket from the side of you and wrapping it around you both. Dean kissed the top of your head and wrapped his arms around you, enjoying the warmth of your body.

“I will always love you, Y/N.”

#dean winchester #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester smut #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader #supernatural #supernatural imagine #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural smut #supernatural family #supernatural fandom #spn #spn imagine #spn fanfiction #spn smut #spn family #spn fandom

[onionsaremeansstuff]

Would you write a michael (john) smut story were the reader is his soulmate and some random guy is flirting with him. also michael gets possessive with the reader which causes them to have sex

hey! Thanks for the request ! Michael is one of my favorite characters in supernatural so i really liked you request ! I’m not the best smut writer but I tried, hope you like it!

Pairing: Michael!John x reader

Gender: Male

Warnings: Smut

I dont own the character or the gif

"Y/N! Stop!" A deep, booming voice ordered which caused you to stop. 

You didn't need to turn around to know who it was that ordered you to stop. 

It was the archangel, Michael. 

A few weeks ago, Chuck had decided to release Michael from the cage, as well as giving Adam his body back and Michael was using young John Winchester's body as a vessel. 

You had never met the archangel before and honestly, you never wanted to meet him. But, since you lived with the Winchesters, meeting him was bound to happen eventually. 

When you first met the Archangel, he only stared at you like he was seeing through you and claimed that you were special. 

Apparently you were some kind of powerhouse that Chuck created for Michael. 

As long as you are living, Michael gets stronger, especially when he's around you. 

When he first claimed that you were special, you scoffed and told him to go fuck himself and leave you alone. But, that didn't stop the prince of Heaven from doing what he wanted. 

He always came to the bunker to check on you. And you asked why he cares about you so much. 

"I don't care about you, I only care about what you can do, little human." He told you.

He made it very clear why he came to check up on you and this time wasn't any different. 

He also liked to order you around. 

"It's already 3 AM, Y/N. You humans need your sleep. Go to bed now and that's an order!" 

You looked at him tiredly and was about to say something back to him when you really looked at him and his vessel. 

Damn, John was hot. 

You met older John before and you thought that he was definitely a DILF. 

But, his younger self was hot as fuck. 

"Stop having those thoughts about my vessel and go to bed!" The Angel ordered once again. 

"Okay, you don't tell me what to do. You don't own me," You responded, and annoyance was written across Michael's face. He snapped his fingers and you were suddenly lying down in your bed with your pajamas on, "Michael!" You scolded. 

You were standing in the kitchen, waiting for Dean to finish making breakfast which consisted of pancakes and bacon. 

"Goodnight, Y/N." He growled out before he disappeared with the sound of flapping wings.

---

"Hurry up, Dean. I'm starving!" You exclaimed and a chuckle left the older man's mouth. 

"You will survive, kiddo." He replied and went back to cooking the food. 

Finally, he finished the food and put it on a plate for you. He handed it to you and you took it out of his hands quickly, plopping down into the chair and picking up a fork, ready to eat this delicious food. 

When you were about to eat it, the plate freakin' disappeared. It was gone. 

"What the-" Before you could finish that sentence, a plate full of salad appeared in front of you. 

A freakin' salad?! 

"Your diet is horrible, little human." Michael commented with that stupid smirk on his face. 

"I'm sure that there are other important things for you to do in Heaven right now than to worry about my health and my food choices, Michael." You said angrily, anger rising in your chest. 

Dean sat at the table, eating his food as he watched you two go at it. 

"There's actually nothing important that I have to do in Heaven right now, Y/N. Heaven is doing great which is the exact opposite of what you are doing right now. Don't even get me started on the fact that you didn't even get 8 hours of sleep last night." 

You blinked at the angel in front of you. 

This angel is crazy. He is not your dad and was not someone to boss you around and make you eat rabbit food. You don't eat rabbit food. You now see  and understand what Dean was talking about when Sam brought that food in here. 

 You have officially had enough. 

You just smiled at them. A huge fake smile and grabbed the knife off the table. You walked over to the wall as the other two standing in the room watched you. After cutting your palm, you drew that angel banishing sigil on the wall. 

"What are you-" Michael couldn't finish that sentence because you completed the sigil and sent that damn angel away. 

"Ah, couple fights always make my mornings better." Dean spoke once Michael was gone with his mouth full of bacon and you rolled your eyes, leaving the room. 

 ---

That night, you and the Winchesters went to a bar. 

The brothers headed inside while you stayed outside, sitting on the bench. There weren't anyone out here except for a few other people. Some drunk and some not. 

"Hey handsome, did your license get suspended because you are driving me crazy." A random guy said that really cheesy pick up line to you, giving you a smile and you laughed. 

"You get a 0 for the pickup line, but a 10 for making me laugh." You told him and started chatting with him.

"So, Y/N..." He started rubbing his finger up and down your thigh as you felt yourself flush, "I may not be from NASA, but can I show you stars today?" 

 You opened your mouth to reply, but the annoying angel interrupted your conversation. 

"Sorry, but he's busy today." Michael spoke, irritation could be heard in his voice. He grabbed onto your shoulder and teleported you back to the bunker. 

"What the hell is your problem, Michael?" You screamed at the archangel. 

"That disgusting human tried to have sex with you, Y/N! I saved you!" 

"Maybe I wanted to have sex with him, Mikey." You retaliated, grabbing your knife and getting ready to draw that angel banishing sigil again, but Michael snapped his fingers and the knife disappeared. 

"You deserve way better than that filthy mongrel." Michael insisted. 

"Look, I know I'm like your powerhouse, or whatever, but you can't control my life. My eating habits and sleep schedule were pretty harmless, but who I have sex with is crossing a line and is none of your business." You told him, "Besides, I'm human. A mongrel or a hairless ape like you always say, so why do you care so much?" 

Michael stared at you for a long time before telling you what he was thinking, "Because I can't stand the idea of someone touching you." He let out a sigh and looked anywhere other than you. 

You looked at him in confusion, "Why can't you stand it?" 

 "I lied to you, Y/N. You are not a source of energy for me. You never were." He admitted, sitting on the bed, "You are so much more than just that. You are my soulmate." 

You stared at him for a couple seconds before you started laughing hysterically. 

"Me? Your soulmate?" You laughed again before having a serious expression on your face, "If this is some plan to get me to let you control my life, it's not gonna work." 

He looked at you, hurt and confused. 

 "I'm serious, Y/N. When I left the cage, Dad told me he had created a soulmate for me weeks ago." He got up from the bed and walked over to you, "When he showed me you, I started to laugh. How can a hairless ape be my soul mate? My father must have been crazy." He looked  at you deep in your eyes, "But, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I looked down on you from Heaven all the time to see how you were and your little habits. Oh My Father, I couldn't stand it. I wanted you. I wanted every inch of you," He walked closer to you and placed his hand on your cheek, "When I first met you in person, I thought about just taking care of you and being close to you and when I saw that man hit on you, I couldn't take it anymore. My grace boiled inside of me and before I knew it, I was on earth."

You couldn't really process everything that he just said, but for some reason you knew that he was telling the truth. 

"Michael..."

"I can't stand the idea of ​​another person, or thing touching you, Y/N. Please accept me as your soulmate." He bowed, waiting for your answer. 

You always said you hated Michael and everything he did, but that was far from the 

As much as the angel irritated you and could be very annoying, you felt a feeling of love deep down for this man.You loved Michael and all the things he has done for you. 

So, you knew what decision was right for you in the end.

"I accept you as my soulmate." 

And with that the angel smiled and attached his lips to yours. His muscular arms soon pulled at your waist, bringing you closer to him. 

"I wanted to do this for so long." He said  between kisses and then lifted you up. 

You were slightly worried about your weight but soon remembered that for an angel, you basically weighed nothing. 

 "Please Y/N, allow me to have you tonight. Allow me to make our flesh become one and allow me to merge your soul with my grace." You grunted yes between his lips but he seemed to understand since he threw you on your bed while looking at you as if you were his prey. 

He started removing the shirt he was wearing and you could see the man's muscular torso. 

"Lust is a deadly sin, Y/N." He bent down and started kissing your collarbone until he reached your ear, "Lucky you have an angel to cleanse you of your sins." 

Michael went back to your neck, sucking on it, making you moan his name. 

"This is it Y/N, pray for me." He started to suck hard on your neck until it was all marked with hickeys, "Now no miserable mortal will dare touch what is mine." He got up a little and kissed you hard, as his hand went under your shirt and caressed your torso. Michael pulled away to look at you. 

"You are by far the most perfect human to ever exist. in fact, it is a crime to compare you to a human. You are closer to a God." He said as a gentle hand stroked your sides. 

"Michael, there are more beautiful humans in the world than me." you said a little shy

"Well, I have watched humanity billions of years and you are my father's most beautiful creation." You blushed and Michael smirked, feeling confident. 

He started to remove his belt slowly, lowering his pants enough for you to see his underwear. 

"Do you like what you see, my prince?" He teased, winking at you. 

"Who knew an angel could secretly be a demon in bed." 

"You woke up a darker side of me, my prince. I had to deal with them myself, so I ended up learning something or two." He took off his pants and lowered his underwear enough to show his pubes. 

"Did you watch porn?" You asked and he just smiled. 

 "It doesn't matter now, honey." Michael lowered his underwear and revealed his erect member. 

 You had seen John naked once by accident and you already knew that older Winchester had a big package. 

 But, oh my Chuck the size scared you a little bit. 

"We’ll take it easy, Y/N. Don't be afraid."  He gently caressed your thigh as a method to calm you down. 

 When he saw that you were fine he crawled over to you, sitting on your chest and pointing his erect member in front of you

 "You know... seeing you sucking lollipops and popsicles was always a hell of a good sight to see. Your lips working on something so cold and hard, and still not being able to do anything. Well, I think you should pay me for having teased me for so long." He stated, brushing the head of his dick on your tongue "What a sight..." He gently put his dick in your mouth, inch by inch until it reached halfway and stopped.

"So hot and so cozy." Michael groaned and put a hand on your head, gently stroking your hair "Look at me." He ordered and you complied. 

 The moment you looked into his eyes you felt a thick taste of pre-cum in your mouth. 

 Slowly Michael pulled his hip back, leaving only his cockhead in your mouth before slowly putting it all back on. He repeated this movement over and over until you got used to it and then he started to fuck your mouth, getting deeper and deeper into your throat and making you choke a few times. Michael fucked your throat with formidable speed as he threw his head back and moaned. 

"So perfect." He spoke as he took his dick out of your mouth, bending down and planting a sweet kiss on your lips as well as checking if you were okay, "Let me worship you, my prince." Michael snapped his fingers and soon you were fully naked. 

 He turned you over and started to kiss your neck gently, making a kiss trail up and down your neck. He slowly went lower and lower, until he reached your ass. He put a hand on each cheek separating them and revealing your hole. 

 "So beautiful." Was the last thing you heard before feeling something wet and hot touching the perimeter of your hole. 

Michael gently brushed you with the tip of his tongue while his rough hands gripped your ass tightly. He wanted to mark you everywhere on your body. 

Soon a strange but good feeling started inside you, it was like you were being touched inside and soon a groan escaped your lips.

"What are you doing?" You asked between incessant moans. 

"My grace has many uses, Y/N and I heard that stimulating the prostate causes great pleasure. Apparently this is true." He replied as he ate you out. 

But this time he didn't lick gently. He was devouring you. Michael's tongue was fast and hungry, exploring the entire perimeter of your hole before penetrating you. 

 It was too much. The feeling was so overwhelming. Michael's tongue along with his grace made you unable to think. 

You felt your orgasm coming real quick, but you couldn't warn Michael in time.

When you were so close to a release everything stopped and you felt something holding your dick.

"Not yet, Y/N. We're going to do this together." Michael said and came out of the middle of your legs, kissing your crack up to your neck. He forced you to look at him and kissed you, "Y/N. My prince, will you give me permission to take you?"

You took a moment to contemplate Michael. The blue-green eyes looked at you with indescribable passion, as if you were a masterpiece that deserved to be contemplated. His mouth curled upward into a smile and his dark hair was so sweaty.

You always thought Michael's vessel was beautiful, but now you can't think of anything more beautiful than him. You no longer see him as young John, but as the person who loved you.

"Y/N? Is everything okay? If I went too far I'm sorry I thought that-"

"No, sorry I was just lost in thoughts." You kissed him on the lips, "Take me, Michael."

He smiled and snapped his fingers.

"As much as the whole preparation process is interesting and important, I am impatient, so why not just use my grace, right?" He winked at you and turned you on your back and positioned himself between your legs.

Michael slowly started to penetrate you until the head of his dick was completely inside of you. He looked at you to check that everything was fine before going in deeper. Inch by inch until he was completely inside. He bent down and started kissing your neck, waiting for you to get used to his size.

Michael then started to move, taking all of his length except his head and then putting everything back on. He repeated the movement over and over, each time with more speed until finally he pounds you.

Michael turned into a moaning mess while he fucked you.

He started kissing you while you moaned against each other.

One of Michael's hands flicked your nipple while another explored and caressed your torso. This along with Michael's accurate hit on your prostate made you moan loudly and Michael smirked.

"Do you think that man from earlier could make you feel the way you're feeling now?" Michael asked, "Do you think he would be able to fuck you  the way I fuck  you?" You didn't answer the question, but Michael already knew the answer. 

Michael's arms wrapped around you and turned you over. Now you were on top of him. 

"Ride me, babyboy." He put his hands behind his head and waited for you to start riding him, admiring the view. 

Michael had seen countless things in the world. From the paintings of each classic painting to the creation of each of the wonders of the world, but nothing could match the sight he was seeing now. 

With your eyes closed and your head thrown back, you moaned and rode him like there was no tomorrow. 

Michael moved his hands and placed one on each side of your, guiding you in the movements you were making. 

He knew was almost close and knew you would soon be close, too. Michael pulled you against his chest, moving so that he could move his hips so that he could continue to fuck you. 

"Y/N," He moaned out," My prince, my soul mate. I love you and I would leave everything for you. Heaven and my grace. You are my everything." Michael declared, but you could barely think with him pounding into you, his dick hitting your prostate constantly. 

You felt something warm involving you.  

It was Michael's wings. 

 With a grunt, Michael came inside of you but without stopping his movements.Your battered prostate along with the feeling of Michael's hot cum inside you brought you to your orgasm. 

 With your orgasm, Michael's movements became more and more slow until he finally stopped with both you panting hard. 

 Michael kissed you everywhere. On your head, your lips, your forehead, your neck. 

 His wings still surrounded you. 

 Michael moved you, putting you aside while he spooned you, his cock still inside you. 

A comforting hand gently caressed your thigh, "You are perfect, Y/N. I am eternally grateful that you let me love you." He kissed the back of your neck "Now rest my prince. Tomorrow we will have many things to do." He gave you one last kiss on the back of your neck.

You didn't know exactly what your relationship with Michael would be like now. But honestly you didn't care about that. 

All you cared about was the fact that your angel was hugging you with his wings surrounding you. 

And nothing else.

#Michael x male reader #Michael x reader #male reader #x male reader #supernatural x male reader #supernatural x reader #young john winchester #supernatural Michael x reader #John winchester x Male reader #John winchester x reader

[iceman-maverick]

deep dive on west wing x-coded, y-girl

this has been requested by @dykebillie (who everyone should say thank you to because i would've forgotten to even post the damn quiz without them <3) and i think a few others mentioned wanting some explanations. somehow this is over 1,000 words LMAO

alright so here's a breakdown of the different alignments, axis, etc.

So firstly, I just want to establish what I mean when I’m talking about x-coded, y-girl because I know there are some degrees of variance from fandom to fandom. In simplest terms, I think x-coded is who are, while y-girl is what you like. To be x-coded is to say that you communicate or project outwardly x, by means of different personality traits, mannerisms, thought processes, etc. On the flip, the y-girl is naturally derived from fangirl. Y-girls are drawn to y for any host of reasons, conscious or not. You may have a conscious attraction to sensitive people so you’re attracted to Y, but you also can have an insecure attachment style you’re not completely aware of and find yourself drawn to those same sensitive people who are more likely to reassure you. Whether you are drawn to or actively seek out Y, if you like or identify with y, you’re a y-girl.

SO in terms of the west wing. I spent some time thinking about the Senior Staff and tried to determine which characters had the loudest or strongest identity (x-coded), and which ones had the biggest personalities (y-girls). Not to say that Jed (x-coded) doesn’t have a big personality or that CJ (y-girl) doesn’t have her own defined identity, but I just found the current grid to be the most intuitive. Lots of fandoms actually only do their grids based on three characters so you’d be a Dean-coded, Dean girl etc. but I thought by doing it with the 6 of them would be more fun and more TELLING.

Okay thank you for humoring the novel on my thought-process, here’s the real meat of descriptions. I thinned them out a bit just because there’s some mild variation between like Toby-coded Sam girls vs Toby-coded Josh girls so here’s the gist of it:

Jed- Coded: Undeniable sense of justice. Confident in your intellect and capabilities and vocal about them. Optimistic, sometimes to a point of fault, verging on unrealistic. Lives in extremes, when you're on board with something, you’re 100% in which means you’re very high-risk, high reward. Generally intense across the board which means you can be unpredictable and volatile. Highly charismatic and social, but firmly not a people pleaser. You don’t mince words, you tell people how it is, but you try to be nice about it.

Leo-Coded: Independent with a strong sense of your abilities and limitations, but you wouldn’t necessarily be categorized as confident in them. Very much a realist with a strong work ethic that can verge on control issues. Not exactly an overachiever but you have high standards, but you don’t always communicate those clearly to others. You’re extremely loyal to and fond of those you are invested in, but you don’t generally have a large circle of friends. You keep your head down, and really don’t make a big fuss over things. You just get them done.

Toby-Coded: High-standards, low self-esteem. You’re probably pretty quiet, even though there is a lot you have to say. A lot of masking going on here. You’re not an optimist, you’re not a pessimist, you’re not even a particular realist. Rather, you’re somewhat apathetic and don’t concern yourself with things you don’t have influence or control over. You don’t expect good things just because you deserve them, but you also don’t think the world is out to get you. You probably have some issues in expressing and receiving love, though that could be because of your low self-esteem or your unwillingness to be vulnerable. Even if you don’t say it often, you are extremely devoted to your loved ones.

Sam girl: Very much a little bit of a freak. Idealistic (not necessarily optimistic though- you want/hope things are great but you don’t exactly anticipate them to be) and a big picture person. However, due to your mild freakiness, you enjoy hammering out the details that build up to the big picture. You’re curious and probably a little awkward. You find companionable silence enjoyable, but also do your fair share of infodumping on the latest thing you’ve learned about. You find it easy to make acquaintances but don’t have many close friends, and you’re not sure why that is. You can be sensitive, and find it easy to be disappointed. You don’t mind things being sugar coated, especially when receiving feedback from someone you admire. You like sunshine, used book stores, the general vibe of a stamp collection, and a well-balanced pen.

CJ girl: You're a #girlboss. You’re known for your warmth. You are a complex person; you exist in multitudes. You’re both outspoken but keep your cards close to your chest. You’re loyal but not a blind follower. You’re intelligent but probably weren’t the top of your class. You’re generally trusting of others because you think you can get a pretty good read on someone once you get to know them. You thrive in your relationships but you’re perfectly content to be on your own if it came down to it. You’re a work in progress, and readily adapt or change your stance on things as new information comes to light. Some people think that means your flakey, but you think your open mindedness strengthens your character. You’re a good friend, but you have a strong sense of self that doesn’t change based on whose around you. You like the changing leaves in the fall, cats and dogs in equal measure, and self-care like yoga.

Josh girl: You are generally A Lot. You're enthusiastic, sometimes to the point of seeming manic. You like a fixer-upper, and welcome a challenge. You take the good with the ugly, and aren’t scared to take risks if it means getting what you want. You’re protective, and probably see your purpose in relation to the people you care about. . You love to get your hands dirty, especially if that means you can influence the end goal. You welcome conflict because it motivates you to fight for what you believe in. You can be quite sensitive, despite being a louder personality.. You project confidence you may not always really have, but you do it convincingly. Very much a fake-it, till you make it. You’re a family person, even if the lengths you’d go for them scares you sometimes. You like thunderstorms, eating leftovers made with love, and watching movies with subtitles on.

Some of these combinations may seem semi-contradictory (like how can a toby-coded, josh girl make sense with the seeming conflicting approaches to self-esteem? how can a toby-coded sam girl exist if one is a dreamer and the other a downer?) and to you I say: YES, that's the point. Complexity is the spice of life, baby.

So yeah, that's my breakdown over the alignment chart. I hope it made sense and/or provided some insight to the process! I can elaborate further on literally anything on this topic if anyone ever wants. If you've read down this far, I am literally kissing you on the mouth rn.

#brookelyn speaks #AT LENGTH #tww #tww x coded y girl #x coded y girl #josh lyman #sam seaborn #jed bartlet #cj cregg #toby ziegler #leo mcgarry

[astudyinfreewill]

“it all comes down to the soul(s) in the end”: or, characters make the story work, and not the other way around

outing myself yet again as a dabb era critical blog here but. i just think the difference between carver era and dabb era is that carver era was character-arc driven while dabb era was overarching-main-plot driven with some good character moments thrown in (which may be to do with the fact that - iirc - during carver era for a while they didn’t know if they’d get renewed so they couldn’t plan too far ahead and just progressed the story by increments, as opposed to dabb era knowing they had a longer time frame to work with and deciding the plot beforehand). 

the thing is, i think most of us can agree that after the kripke era - which, for all its flaws and setbacks (hello writers’ strike), had a self-contained myth arc involving both an internally coherent narrative and certain well-defined character beats - and going into the gamble “hot girl summer but make it angst” era, the appeal of supernatural relies largely on the characters. it has to, because for a show to keep running after 6-7 seasons, you have to be invested not just in the story/stories being told, but in the people driving the story forward. it simply won’t work otherwise.

and - to my perception at least - the carver era (perhaps largely due to ben edlund’s imprint in s8, lbr) knew that. some examples of what i mean:

it gave dean an arc about dealing with the toxicity of his upbringing and his unhealthy attachment to sam, as well as starting to explore other meaningful relationships for himself (benny, charlie, and of course him continuously reaching out to cas) - essentially it allowed dean to confront that he wanted things. 

it gave sam an arc about dealing with his trauma re: demon blood, and having to confront what it means to be good, how he always felt impure through no fault of his own - and it shifted him over into accepting that his calling in life is as a keeper of lore and mentor to other people, by contrasting the failure of the sam/amelia relationship with him finding the bunker and discovering a different part of the hunting world

it forced cas to confront what he wants for himself, by making him deal with his own changing nature (being human, then an angel again, and the whole arc about living on borrowed grace), and with the other angels falling and what that meant for him; he got the chance to be on his own and be with the winchesters, to both make mistakes and be a leader to other angels - and then give up that leadership by choice because he prioritised his human family to his reputation in heaven (which should have been a clear indication of endgame human cas but i digress)

it brought in compelling new characters - primarily charlie and kevin, though they were both horrendously mistreated by bucklemming writing them off - claire novak as an angry teenager, aaron and his golem, metatron as a fascinatingly meta (ha) antagonist, rowena as a frenemy, and gave old characters compelling story beats (crowley and his “humanity addiction”). also, it had writers like robbie thompson who were attuned to the fan community in an unprecedented way.

with the dabb era, i feel like because they’d set their mind on where the story was going (e.g.: killing dean, having a new and “better” god in place, giving sam a white picket fence ending) they didn’t really care if they had to break the protagonists’ characterisation to get us there. we still had moments of great characterisation - steve yockey episodes first and foremost, and of course robert berens carrying the dean/castiel beats - but mostly, characterisation came second to what the story would need. this is how we get dean winchester, friend and protector to kids everywhere, being A-Okay with sacrificing a kid he supposedly cares about, not once but several times over, because the plot needed Emotional Stakes™️.

(and this, by and large, is my issue with jack as a character too, because he spends so much of his time on the show so clearly being a plot device - a literal deus ex machina - that he ends up being not very compelling to me. “but baby jack!” i hear you say. and yes, yes, he’s cute and i like him, but listen -- his characterisation reads as a blank slate because ultimately that’s what the narrative needs from him - and there’s a whole separate post i could make on that, really). 

but i think the main problem is that the endgame the dabb era had in mind conflicted openly with the stakes they had set up in the carver era - and that the most attuned writers kept up with even in seasons 12-15, which is why the finale felt as stridently wrong as it did (other than being ridiculously badly written). by which i mean:

dean was set up as wanting something more for himself, more than hunting and violence, and we see that in moments - but it’s not what he ends up getting. additionally, he spends so much of seasons 8-10 breaking down his toxic traits, and then bam - suddenly, he’s turned into john 2.0, because the story demands it. 

sam was set up to become a new kind of hunter, one with a men of letters background, and find happiness in the life - so you get a side plot where he successfully organises and leads a group of hunters - but ultimately he leaves all that behind and abandons the bunker (and eileen, his natural companion going forward). 

cas was set up as choosing humanity over heaven because that’s where he wants to be, and choosing to become a hunter because he wants to be useful and do good - but that gets boiled down to “cas is still an angel but now he’s Also A Dad and that’s his one purpose in life now” (i’m sorry, i am not here for the hot take of “jack is good for cas because he can’t just revolve around dean”. first of all, that’s a disservice to cas’s character over the seasons, and second of all-- oh but it’s ok for cas to just revolve around jack? it don’t make no cents luv!)

i don’t think story-driven eras are inherently bad. i enjoyed seasons 1-5, but they take place when we’re still getting to know the characters; and there is a certain evolution for them there that you may like or dislike, but it makes narrative sense for them. but if you decide to go forward into a new era with well-established and beloved characters, you have to know who the characters are and what they want or your story will always ring hollow. the main problem i have with the dabb era is that it decided the story it wanted to tell - and didn’t stop to consider whether the characters living it out would actually organically fit into it. and isn’t that chuck’s whole mistake?

#spn #meta #spn meta #supernatural #dabb critical #team free will #my meta #mp #ambra.txt #in short: carver era my beloved. you committed some atrocities but i forgive you #big BIG thanks to tierney for watching me work out a shorter version of this in real time #tier i'm tagging you just in case you want to see me ramble even HARDER about this #katebushstandean #will i get cancelled for being critical of jack? stay tuned to find out #long post #long post for ts

[doctor-octiddius]

I am rambling about Jonas Nyebern again!!

So I wrote this thing. It started as an essay, but derailed immediately, so now I don't know what to even call it. I copied a few things from my two other posts about him to kind of make like a slightly more coherent ramble about Jonas. It's slightly over 2000 words long with some quotes from the book sprinkled here and there :)

Dr. Jonas Nyebern, or Dr. Jonas K. Nyebern, if you pay too much attention while watching the movie, is a character from Hideaway, who has come to mean so much to me in the last two or so months. He’s such an interesting character with a very tragic background. At least in the book. In the movie, it’s a whole lot different.

To simply summarise the story, it follows Hatch, an antique dealer, and his family who get into a car accident. Hatch dies, but gets resuscitated by Jonas and his team, later discovering a psychic link between him and a murderer. The murderer - born Jeremy, but after taking a quick trip to Hell, starts going by Vassago - got resuscitated by the same team two years prior. Hatch can sometimes see through Vassago’s eyes - and vice versa - and fearing for his family’s safety, he tries to use the newly found power to stop the killer.

My love for Dr. Nyebern started with me just wanting to watch a movie that Alfred Molina had been in, since I had only recently gotten interested in him and had only seen two of the Spider-Man movies. Spending some time looking around his IMDb page, I discovered Hideaway (1995). It sparked my interest immediately since I like thrillers, and the story sounded promising. I really liked it when I first saw it, not understanding why it gained such a negative response - to the point that Dean Koontz, the book’s author, wanted his name off of the project. Yeah, it was silly with the horrible 90s computer animation and the acting wasn't the best, but I didn't see it as that catastrophic.

Looking into it more, I found out that everything was going well at first, when they still had Mike Medavoy on the project, but he got removed due to unknown reasons. Medavoy had promised Koontz to stay close to the source material, always keeping in contact with the author, to make sure he was okay with the script. The new team cut ties with Koontz, making the movie by their own vision. And that’s how we ended up with this specific movie.

After finding out about all of this, I decided to check out the book. Big mistake. As in, now I’m incredibly attached to it and have grown to dislike the movie. I still don’t dislike it heavily, since I’m really not one to critique movies - it’s rare for me to truly hate a movie I’ve seen - but I can absolutely understand the negative response.

Jonas isn’t the main character in the movie, not even the book, but I would say he plays a bigger role in the latter. He’s a cardiovascular surgeon who also takes interest in resuscitation medicine. Leading the hospital’s resuscitation team, they bring back Hatchford Harrison, our main character. That’s pretty much everything that Nyebern brings to the table in the movie, if we exclude the plot-twist of him being the main villain’s father. Though not that big of a twist in the movie, since it’s pretty much shown in the first scene, where Jeremy had just killed his mother and sister, and then himself. And then at the end of the movie, Jonas just gets killed by Jeremy. No rhyme or reason. If I hadn’t read the book, then I would’ve guessed it was just to be edgy.

We don’t get to know much about Jonas, which is understandable; movies always have to cut stuff, there is no time to get that familiar with the supporting characters, not even the main characters, sometimes. Jonas is just a doctor, simple as that.

In the book, Jonas was described to be really attached to his job, to a point where it was an obsession. But at the same time he was plagued with the question “are all lives worth saving?”. Was what he was doing the right thing to do? He couldn’t accept that he could bring back to life someone who didn’t deserve it. Would it be worse to let an evil person die or resuscitate them? With the first one you’re letting someone die - something Jonas couldn’t accept, but with the other you’re at fault for everything the person could do later on. At least that’s what he thought. He always got too emotionally attached to his patients. Not managing to save one life would mean failing a bunch of other people - the friends, relatives etc.

Speaking of friends, he doesn’t have many of them, only his colleagues. They’re the only people he has, since the traumas of his past have made it hard for him to connect with others. He cares about his coworkers deeply and feels like they’re the only people he can trust. He was probably the closest with Dr. Kari Dovell, a pediatrician in the resuscitation team. Jonas talked to her about everything that Jeremy had done - she was someone he could count on, someone who would listen to him. Thinking about this specific part from a scene where Jonas was venting to Kari:

“Or perhaps this was the first time she realized how desperately he needed nurturing.”

This man literally just needs therapy, a bottle of wine and someone to hold him.

The death of his wife and kids isn’t the only tragic event to happen to him - a similar thing had happened to him when he was only seven, when his father killed his mother, brother and then himself, leaving Jonas to die with his sister. We never find out anything else about his childhood, nor what happened after that event.

"After all, his belief in Death was based on empirical evidence. He had seen the hated enemy when he was only seven years old, had heard it speak, had looked into its eyes and smelled its fetid breath and felt its icy touch upon his face."

The fact that he, in a way, feels responsible for the actions of his father and son just breaks my heart. There’s a scene where Hatch has an appointment with Jonas, and after noticing religious artworks in his office and making conversation about it, the doctor opens up about why he collects, and later donates, the art.

““Very generous of you,” Hatch said. “It’s not an act of generosity.” Nyebern’s faraway voice now matched the look in his eyes. “It’s an act of atonement.” That statement begged for a question in response, although Hatch felt that asking it was an intrusion of the physician’s privacy. “Atonement for what?” ( … ) “Atonement,” Nyebern said again. “At first… atonement for being the son of my father. Later … for being the father of my son.””

If I said that this didn’t make me sob, then I’d be lying.

During a slightly drunken conversation between Kari and Jonas, we learn that pretty much the main reason Marion and Stephanie (Jonas’s wife and daughter) are dead is because of a book. A book which Jonas had found in Jeremy’s belongings. “The Hidden”, written by a killer, Thomas Nicene, who claimed to have seen Hell and described it in his book. Thomas had killed his mother and brother, setting an example for Jeremy. It’s most likely what motivated him to kill his own mother and sister, although he had killed before, but that was more so for the rush of it, not to be granted entrance to Hell.

Jeremy viewed murder as a form of art, killing his mother and sister and posing their bodies to portray their "true selves", in a way. After getting resuscitated, he felt like he had to do the whole thing over again, posing all his victims at his hideaway at the abandoned amusement park.

Jonas read the book, of course, trying to understand his son better, only to find out that the Hell described in the book was literally just based off of the Evil Empire from Star Wars. In short, Jonas’s family is fucking dead because of Star Wars. It’s so hilarious to me, but in a very morbid way.

Jonas has no contact with Jeremy throughout the book. He hired a private investigator, Morton Redlow, to keep an eye on Jeremy, since he actually had no clue if his son was even alive. But still deep inside he was sure he was out there, up to no good. The last time he actually saw Jeremy was when he was still in the hospital, faking aphasia and manipulating the hospital staff into thinking he was just a poor harmless guy. Jonas only realised that he had been faking it after finding Redlow’s body in his freezer with a note from Jeremy, showing that he had figured out who Redlow was. That was all the communication he had with his son after his escape from the hospital two years prior.

The fact that upon finding Redlow’s body, Jonas just… Kind of loses his faith. That was his breaking point. He didn’t trust God anymore. How could shit like this keep happening to him if there was a God out there? Simple, there just wasn’t one. Not for him, at least. And it hurts me so much because imagine being devoted to something and finally reaching a point where you just… Stop? I am not a religious person, but seeing someone, whose daily life is tied to it, give up on it is kind of painful.

He’ll never know that Jeremy killed a friend at the amusement park when he was little. But did he ever find out about all the other corpses at the hideaway? Since, unlike in the movie, the note didn’t mention anything about the hideaway or anything else. It was just to threaten Jonas, in a way. He had no clue his son had been piling up corpses - ahem, putting up his art exhibit - in the amusement park.

Jonas hated death with a passion and wished he could get rid of it. That’s where his dynamic with Jeremy comes into play - a dynamic that was completely erased from the movie. Jonas is the life giver, a devout christian, while Jeremy, the satanist, is obsessed with getting entrance to Hell, wanting to get rid of everything living.

Jeremy sees his father as evil since he had the guts to resuscitate him - he was so close to entering Hell, but got pulled back at the last second. That should give him all the motivation to kill Jonas, the man who is the source of all he wants to get rid of. But he doesn’t do it. He can’t bring himself to get anywhere near him. Which to me seems like an even worse ending for Jonas than death. I don’t want him dead, by any means, but I hate knowing how he had to live with everything that he went through. So much happened to him which he didn’t deserve at all. He literally feels like a bigger victim than the main character. I feel so much worse for Jonas than Hatch. Hatch got a happy ending, his wife and daughter are alive and well, he continues living life normally. Jonas doesn’t get that. He is just constantly left there, having to survive on his own.

By the end, evil gets defeated - Jeremy is dead. Epic spiritualistic battle between demon Jeremy and angel Hatch etc etc. No clue how Jonas found out about what happened nor if he even found out what exactly happened at that amusement park. Did anyone else, for that matter, know? All the bodies at the hideaway must have been reported? They wouldn’t just defeat the bad guy and leave everything there? So many questions left unanswered and then we get a two year time skip. Jonas lost interest in his job. He lost his faith and sold his collections of religious art. He realised that he was wrong in believing that evil was a presence - humanity in itself was the source of evil. That’s part of the reason why later on he became a vet, each patient deserved to live. Hooray for Jonas, I guess.

I genuinely feel so much worse for the book version of Jonas. In the movie he just gets brushed off, stabbed by his son, whatever. There is no motivation behind that killing in the movie, Jeremy is just being a cold-hearted murderer or something. I really hope that Jonas ended up getting therapy or something since he clearly needs the help and support. We know that he didn't marry ever again, but maybe he found some other type of support in his life.

Long story short - I love Jonas Nyebern a lot. He is way more interesting than the other characters and is the main reason why I keep coming back to this book. He is way more connected to the story in the book and has so much more going on for him, whereas in the movie you could pretty much remove him and not have to change much of it. Which sucks, since they could've done so much more, not just with Nyebern, but all the other characters.

I’m just gonna leave the last line about this man from the book here. Although it’s nothing greatly poetic or anything, it has stuck with me. This one sentence sucker punched me in the face and I still haven’t fully recovered. It’s rare that written words could cause such strong emotions in me, and out of all them, it had to be such a simple sentence.

“He was neither happy nor unhappy, and that suited him fine.”

#hideaway #jonas nyebern #alfred molina #god i love this character so much #how can one simple sentence make me cry

[endlessceaselessboundless]

I watched the beginning episodes of Season 10 last night because Demon!Dean is sex on legs, and what I always think about those episodes is how good Dean is and how bad Sam is. 

Sam is out here torturing demons and desperate to restore the shitty, shitty status quo while Dean is just living it up in dive bars, singing bad karaoke, which hurts no one despite their complaints to the contrary, and having very good sex with Ann Marie, which would imply that even as a demon Dean is very considerate and giving in the bedroom. Even his scenes with Ann Marie, where he’s being kind of an asshole, “like don’t get attached, I’m just passing through on my way to Australia,” I mean Ann Marie works in a dive bar in the middle of no where North Dakota, I get the feeling from her scenes that she knows the score. I feel like Dean is being an asshole to keep himself from getting too attached. 

Dean is even channeling his Mark of Cain bloodlust into saving damsels in distress, kinda, and honestly I just want to let him continue being a demon. Demon!Dean is free, he is free in a way that Dean has never been, and anyone who has ever grown up and realized they can in fact eat cookies for dinner knows that being free is scary. The only thing Demon!Dean has to consider before doing anything is himself, his own desires. He is immortal, full of bloodlust, and no longer concerned by his human sentimentality, so the fact that he only kills other demons, or that one pervy guy who clearly deserved it is INCREDIBLE. 

Sam meanwhile is, as usual, the very epitome of the status quo, or cultural norms. He is desperate to return Dean to the human fold and the Family Winchester so they can go on being co-dependent and making bad decisions. Never mind that they spent all of Seasons 4 and 5 fighting for freedom, that freedom clearly does not extend to demons, even if this one is on balance really not that bad, not that Sam would know. This blind commitment to “how things are supposed to be” is mirrored in Cas and Hannah’s attempt to return the wayward angels to Heaven, which makes even less sense than what Sam is doing, and calling into question the entire idea of the status quo on both planes. What is so wrong with those angels just fishing? Why are we all so unhappy with Dean’s karaoke? 

The characters trying to enforce these arbitrary rules and systems, Sam and Cas, also look terrible for both the first and second episodes, injured & dying, the life literally being sucked out of them by their commitment to these dumb rules. Meanwhile Dean looks spectacular. He is power, he is grace, he is living his best damn life why wont anyone let him??????

#spn #Demon!Dean #dean winchester #Also who decided on Cas' pose in the bed in that robe? #He has powerful aging drunk starlet in that scene #It was weird to watch

[prince-of-elsinore]

Sam and Dean: psychological analysis and headcanons

In response to this anon ask from the 66 SPN Questions:

6. Do you have any psychological headcanons (or canon interpretations) of the characters?

Anon, this is probably not what you asked for. But I started writing, and kept finding more I wanted to say, until I thought--why not just say it all? And by all, I  don't actually mean all--this is by no means exhaustive. But it was a wonderful, self-indulgent opportunity to organize my thoughts on Sam and Dean's psychologies, and even find some new ideas as I was writing, and to put them out there so others can read and discuss. (Always happy to discuss any of this! Inbox is open.)

As a disclaimer, I know most of these thoughts are probably not original and may be retreads of many things fandom has been discussing for years. I'm not claiming to be breaking new ground here. Also, I sorta float backwards and forwards chronologically in my discussion--some parts pertain more to them when they're young, some to when they're older, and I don't always clarify which. Also, these are generalizations! I point out patterns I notice; that doesn't make them all hard and fast rules, because Sam and Dean are each human and complex!

Here's what you'll find below:

1. Core motivations 2. Happiness 3. Approval and secrets 4. Approval from authority figures 5. Need and attachment re: others 6. Sympathy and empathy 7. Walls—hiding vs. performing 8. Need and attachment re: each other 9. Ambitions and goals 10. Normality and monstrosity 11. Guilt and self-loathing 12. Autonomy and sacrifice 13. Personal identity 14. Concluding observation

1. Core motivations: Dean’s purpose is to protect Sam, obviously. Sam’s purpose, though a little less clear, is to save Dean. Sometimes it’s explicit, as in s3 and s9-10. But I think Sam also wants to save Dean, in general, from himself and from the life. It’s why he pushes against Dean’s obedience to their father. It’s why he tells him to get out and go to Lisa after he jumps in the Cage. At a certain point, I think Sam accepts he can’t “save” Dean without changing who he is, so he chooses to stick by him—because at least then he can make Dean happy.

2. Happiness: Dean’s happiness—or perhaps contentment is a better word—is knowing that Sam is safe and alive. Sam’s happiness is Dean being happy. In Sam’s world, things are good when Dean’s good. I think that, conversely, Dean wants Sam to be happy, and Sam wants Dean to be safe, but they both know and to an extent accept that those things are not within their control, so they focus on what they feel they can control.

3. Approval and secrets: They are each other’s north stars, guiding principles, in different ways. For Dean it’s “look out for Sammy,” for Sam it’s “what would my big brother think/do.” Dean doesn’t need Sam’s approval. Sure, he loves it when Sam admires him, but if he feels he needs to do something against Sam’s approval, he doubles down because approval from Sam is not the top priority. He’ll do what he thinks is right, especially to keep Sam safe, no matter what Sam thinks about it. Sam, on the other hand, does crave Dean’s approval and cares very much about his opinion. It doesn’t mean he won’t go against Dean (all the conflict of s1-5!), but it affects him differently. This leads to different kinds of secret-keeping: Sam goes behind Dean’s back to avoid his disapproval; Dean goes behind Sam’s back so that Sam doesn’t interfere with what he thinks needs to be done.

4. Approval from authority figures: Dean does crave approval from others—specifically, respected authority figures. The big one is obviously John. I think in a way it’s Mary, too, when she comes back. But it only applies as long as the person has his respect. Sam doesn’t crave approval from other authorities in the same way, perhaps because his primary authority figure growing up was Dean.

5. Need and attachment re: others: Sam is the only person Dean cannot live without, but he also makes outside connections of a friendly nature fairly easily. He’s the more socially outgoing brother who latches onto people like Gordon, gets friendly with Ash, and forges connections with Jo and Charlie, just to name a few (and Castiel at times—though their relationship is so inconsistent and often convenience-based I hesitate to include it in this category). Though Sam is Dean’s core need, I do think Dean thrives with other friendships. I’m not talking about found family, though I’m well aware of Dean’s tendency to call people “family” quite readily. Honestly, I think this is a manifestation of his craving for connection with others. Dean has an affectionate and playful nature, and let’s face it, Sam isn’t always super receptive to that—so naturally, Dean seeks out people who are. (I think this is also, in some cases, related to Dean’s craving for approval from others). Of course, none of those other relationships come close to the depth of his relationship with Sam, and when his relationship with Sam is at its best, I don’t think Dean really needs anything else to sustain him. But in reality, it can’t always be at its best.

Sam, on the other hand, doesn’t forge outside connections easily—but when he does, they tend to be deeper than Dean’s easy casual associations (even when Dean has real affection for someone, he tends to keep the tone of the relationship light). It’s pretty clear Sam was a loner kid, and I imagine it took him a while to find friends at Stanford, and even though he loved Jessica he still clearly kept many secrets. That’s the thing with Sam—he’s got walls. Dean’s got his own walls, but they’re different. Sam can seem emotionally open, but he protects his innermost self very carefully and rarely puts his emotions out there in a truly open way—even less than Dean does. I think this is a consistent personality trait for Sam, not one born of trauma (though perhaps exacerbated by it at times). In fact, it’s in later seasons that I see Sam finally, in rare moments, let down those walls, with Rowena and Jack. When he’s young, I think this was partially a coping mechanism he developed for hiding his desires/feelings, even from himself, because he was so unhappy with his life. It means that even though he’s an introspective guy, he’s not as self-aware as he thinks he is until he’s older and more mature. He’s very good at self-deception when he’s young, because as a thinker, he can convince himself of just about anything.

To circle back to attachment, what this means to me is that Sam, while he certainly appreciates close friendships and has a lot to offer those he cares about, doesn’t crave friends in the way that Dean does. I think he desires to be understood (this is a natural human need) but he’s much more comfortable with himself than Dean is, and is somewhat of a loner by nature. This means he’s also not (usually) going to be too affected by the status of his relationships with others. Dean is much more volatile and easily hurt by others (this is where Castiel is a great example).

6. Sympathy and empathy: On the surface, Sam appears to be the caring, sensitive brother, while Dean is brash and insensitive. This is a very incomplete picture, however. It mostly comes down to the difference between sympathy and empathy. Empathy is an involuntary response, whereas sympathy is something that a person chooses to express, though that doesn’t make it necessarily superficial—it also comes from an emotional place. Dean tends to be more empathetic, and Sam more sympathetic. Dean, despite his performative walls, is more easily affected on a visceral level by others’ emotions. He is more sensitive, more easily hurt or swayed to anger, and also more easily experiences empathy. This has nothing to do with what Dean thinks is right—it’s another involuntary emotion. He is sometimes moved to express this feeling, but he’s not generally concerned about appearing sympathetic. Sam, with his careful emotional walls, isn’t generally so viscerally affected by others, but he is kind. This is expressed as sympathy, because he cares about others’ feelings, and he wants to be good/morally right. On the one hand, it comes from an intellectual place—“it’s socially acceptable/morally right to express care for this person” (which Dean is less likely to care about)—and on the other, it is an emotional response—“I know what that feels like”—but a more regulated one than empathy, where one almost directly experiences another’s emotions.

7. Walls—hiding vs. performing: It’s interesting that both brothers have their own walls, which they construct as a form of self-preservation, but they have different levels of effectiveness in protecting themselves from outside influence. One difference might lie in what the walls were built in reaction to. Sam built his walls at a young age to separate himself from the outside world because, ironically, it was precisely what he desired, but was not allowed to have. He therefore consciously distanced himself from it, to dull the pain of not having it. The goal of those walls was to have something to hide behind, where he could remain generally unnoticed, so he could conceal his pain from outsiders and even from his family.

Dean took a little longer to build his walls—or at least to consciously do so. He already no doubt fashioned himself after his dad as a kid, and often put on a brave face—for Sam, for his father—when he was not feeling brave. He therefore became accustomed to performing at a young age, and performed many roles for both Sam’s and John’s benefit. He was unconsciously building walls with these performances, concealing his true feelings and desires. Later, I think this started to become more intentional, especially in relations with women/sex partners and especially after the Stanford split, as Dean realized how vulnerable to hurt his sensitive nature made him. It was much safer to perform all the time, and never let his real feelings show. For Dean, even more than Sam, I think he often lost sight of what those real feelings were behind the walls as he tried his best to be the performance he was putting on.

For a visual metaphor, I think of it this way: Sam is a boy at the center of a self-constructed labyrinth. He is almost always able to maintain control over how close people get (except when a few slip past his defenses, at which point he may be susceptible to manipulation). Despite all those elaborate passageways, though, there’s still Sam at the center. It’s lonely there, but he knows himself pretty well at least. Dean is a man in a mask who wants the mask to be his real face. He does everything he can to fuse himself and the mask together. They probably are fused at this point, so it would hurt to take the mask off. His memory of the face under the mask is hazy. He’s afraid, if he looks under the mask, he’ll hate what he sees. He’s lonely because no matter how close others get—and he lets them in close, can surround himself with people—none of them will ever see his true face. But he’s convinced himself it’s better this way, because if anyone saw his face, they’d hate it.

8. Need and attachment re: each other: Clearly, both brothers need each other. Sam’s need for Dean is different than Dean’s need for Sam, though. The way I see it, Dean’s need is one that requires reassurance. Perhaps it traces back to the concern about Sam instilled into him at a young age. I think it was strongly exacerbated by the Stanford split, when Dean realized his and Sam’s desires didn’t align. In Dean’s mind, Sam left once and can do it again—he’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sam, on the other hand, has always been able to rely on Dean as a rock, a constant in his life—to the point that, in a way, he takes it for granted when he’s younger. Not in a spoilt, ungrateful way, but in that way that we, as children, might take our parents for granted—they’re always going to be there, right? That’s why, on the few occasions where suddenly, Sam isn’t sure of Dean’s devotion, the rug is ripped out from under him and he’s completely adrift and distraught—seasons 4 and 8 come to mind. Sam needs to be the center of Dean’s universe. When he fears that that’s shifted, that Dean hates him or has chosen someone else over him, it turns Sam’s whole world upside down. For Dean, the fear is that Sam will leave, but it’s a constant, background worry. For Sam, the fear is that Dean will hate him, but since he can usually count on Dean to be obsessed with him, it only comes up now and again. Only Dean can truly hurt Sam, while Dean is vulnerable to hurt from others—though, as always, the deepest hurt can only come from Sam.

9. Ambitions and goals: Sam is the one with greater needs and ambitions outside the scope of their relationship. For Dean, if he’s got Sam and he’s got hunting, he’s content. His greatest accomplishments are taking care of Sam and saving people, and that’s all he needs. I see Sam as craving other sources of fulfillment, though—academic/lore study for its own sake (the pursuit of knowledge), and a leadership/mentorship role. I thought it was very fitting that Sam finds these in late seasons, with leading hunters against the BMOL, then leading the apocalypse AU hunters, then mentoring/nurturing Jack. Dean has always had (and needed) a mentor/leadership/nurturing role with Sam, but Sam also thrives when he’s able to step into that role for others.

10. Normality and monstrosity: I’m just going to link to this post rather than repeat myself.

11. Guilt and self-loathing: This is something they both struggle with and at times, are defined by, but it manifests differently. I think their Hell traumas exemplify their different brands of guilt: for Dean, it’s perpetrator’s guilt. He knows he did something terrible and feels he can never atone for his past actions. For Sam, it’s victim’s/survivor’s guilt. He may not have done anything wrong, but there’s a certain amount of self-blame, especially for perceived weakness. This is another theme for Sam; one of the main faults he sees in himself is weakness—too weak to save Dean from Hell for instance—and as a result tries to shoulder things alone (killing Lilith, Hallucifer, etc). Sam has a need to fix things, to prove to others and himself that he is capable. Dean, I think, sees his main fault as neediness, but really, it’s a deeply buried sense of innate worthlessness. He was taught from a young age that his brother’s life—not his own—was of the utmost value. He internalized that his life was only worthwhile if he could save others, and has trouble with the idea that he, himself, has value beyond what he can do for others.

12. Autonomy and sacrifice: The above leads Dean to have a very constrained sense of his own autonomy. In general, he values duty/loyalty to others over autonomy (although when it comes to cosmic beings, he’s all about free will—see this post if you want more thoughts on that, and Sam’s autonomy). Often, his desire to control others comes from a place of frustration when Dean feels they are neglecting duty/being selfish. I think partially duty towards others is really a deeply ingrained value for him, but there may also be some buried jealousy at play, in that Dean wishes he could act with more freedom, put himself first every once in a while, but doesn’t know how to. Sam tends to value autonomy over duty (this doesn’t mean he doesn’t believe in any sort of responsibility—he’s willing to sacrifice for the greater good, after all).  This means he also tends to respect others’ autonomy, though we all know he can get plenty unhinged where his brother’s safety is concerned. The theme of Sam and autonomy has been talked to death so I’ll stop there, but you can click the link above if you want more.

13. Personal identity: One of Dean’s biggest struggles is with how much of his personal identity is received rather than self-determined. He is tasked with taking care of Sam and he is trained to be a hunter; these become the foundations of his identity. He says it himself: taking care of Sam is not just what he does but who he is. Then in season 3, his own subconscious mocks him for his lack of originality, styling himself and all he loves after his father, showing that this is a source of deep insecurity. This discomfort with himself contributes to his fear of being abandoned and left alone with himself. He doesn’t know who he is without Sam—or rather, is convinced he is nothing without Sam, which is why he fights so hard to keep him by his side. It also contributes to his general desire for friends, or better, family: people who won’t abandon him.

Later in the series, I think Dean has come to embrace his genuine self more. He’s nerdy and excitable and playful—and I don’t see this is as regression, but rather a healthy embracing of what makes him happy—not tastes inherited from his father. If it seems juvenile, it’s because it’s the first time in his life he’s allowed himself to express and explore these things. I think his relationship with hunting is also healthier; it’s no longer something he does because it’s the only thing that can give him worth. He does it because he believes it’s right and genuinely wants to help people. He has a more complete sense of self, and while it’s still totally tied up in Sam, he has gained some self-worth.

[I should note that basically everything I’ve written about Dean supports the headcanon that Dean has BPD—a headcanon I accepted after I realized this. For some more great writing on Dean and BPD, see this post by @venhedish.]

Sam has always known what he wanted for himself and rejected what was given to/allowed him. Wanting what he couldn’t have, from a young age, helped him develop an individual sense of self, not defined by others. I think it’s this difference in their sense of individual identity that leads some viewers to think that Dean loves Sam more than Sam loves Dean. He doesn’t, and losing Dean is just as huge a loss and a grief for Sam as losing Sam was for Dean. Dean is central to Sam’s life, and he can’t feel complete without him; however, his identity and every desire has never revolved as entirely around Dean as Dean’s has around him, so Sam has a foundational sense of self that even losing Dean can’t completely destroy. It’s what allows him to rebuild in grief and carry on (whereas I have no doubt Jensen’s right and Dean would waste away in the back of a pool hall without Sam). Dean’s central role in Sam’s life never disappears, though, and it is, in fact, what allows Sam to carry on; an effort to honor his brother’s memory, living in a way that would make him proud. There’s continuity in that for Sam; the craving for his brother’s approval and happiness never disappears. Seeking those things is what makes Sam happy, both in their domestic years together before Dean’s death and in the years after. They are both, after all, co-dependent!

14: Concluding observation: Sam and Dean have many similar issues, desires, and insecurities: the desire for a normal life, the fear of their own monstrosity, the desire for love and friendship, their need and love for each other, their desire for approval/to be admired, resentment at their childhood, the feeling of being impure and unworthy, the desire for freedom, issues with bodily autonomy. Sometimes these are seen as the purview of one brother or the other exclusively, but that’s almost never true when you consider canon as a whole. The difference is in how these things are internalized, sublimated, reflected, and expressed for each of them. It makes sense they would struggle with so many of the same things, because their lives are deeply intertwined and they are in the same boat most of the time.

#spn meta #sam meta #dean meta #sam and dean #winchester brothers #my meta #the brodependency #long post #spn

[princesscas]

hey again mandy!! i was wondering if you could rec some fluffy destiel fics? just your favorite ones if you’ve got some, either fluffy or angsty! i’d love to add some diversity to my bookmark list ☺️💕

Ooohh yeah! You sent this right as an anon sent the same request :3

Anon: I have seen your answer to an anon and now I want you to do a list of your favorite destiel fics please!! I just need to read fluffy fics but I also want some that have very good plot and also good portray of the characters but with a happy ending i can’t stomach more sadness. Thanks!! By the way for these who haven’t read it I want to recommend a very good fic call I don’t care where you been.

So I’m not too big on angst, like yes I do love angst, it can be good for the plot/character development/etc, but sometimes too much angst is well, too much for me to handle lol. Fluff is my bread and butter when it comes to not only writing, but reading. It can do me no harm, besides making my cheeks hurt from smiling so dang much! 

So here is my list of fluffy, plotty, longfics! These are pretty old, because I haven’t been in the market for any destiel longfic in the recent years, besides oneshots and a few WIPs here and there. (i’m still neck deep into the stucky dumpster lol) 6 canon fics and 6 AU’s :D 

CANON

Professional Couple Only by saltyfeathers (Fake/Pretend Relationship) - There's a haunted apartment building in Vermont, and the ad says "Professional couple only". Dean and Cas rise to the occasion.

The Silence Between Heartbeats by yesmsmoran (elliedew) (2x20 AU) -  "Fic that replaces Carmen with Cas. And then, when Dean wakes up and he meets Cas for the first time he freaks out because it's the only man he's ever loved and he's so confused as to how he can be real when he obviously had to be something the djinn created."

i wanna see your animal side by microcomets (Animal Transformation) - Dean gets attached to a dark-haired, blue-eyed kitten. He hates cats, so he can't really say why.

Just To Make You See by youaresunlight (Mutual Pining) - “I’ve been reading,” Cas explains, lifting his coat to reach for something inside. It’s another magazine but not one about nature or economics. It’s a GQ with a suave male celebrity gracing the cover. “There’s an article in here that gives advice to those who are ‘seeking to escape the friend zone.’”

And I Will Walk On Water by tracy_loo_who (Post-S4) - This fic is set after season 4 and totals ~122,600 words. It's a story about friendship and love, recovery and trust, free will, and Dean and Castiel's journey through it all. It's also about chocolate and hugs. If you read it, I really hope you enjoy it. ♥

Broadway Musical by Griftings (HILLARIOUS GO READ IT) - This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.Or, the romantic comedy where Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle are destined to get married, Castiel is given the task of playing matchmaker and fails terribly, the entire Heavenly Host becomes a sitcom audience, God warns against male pregnancy, and Jimmy Novak is incredibly unimpressed with angels in general.

AU

a world above water by museaway (Fairy Tale AU) - Castiel’s hope for freedom is threatened by a chance encounter with the Crowned Prince of Lawrence, who is trying to avoid an arranged marriage

To Find a Family by linasane (Kid Fic, Domestic) - When Dean's little brother gets taken away, he's expecting the fight that ensues. He's expecting the stress that comes from separation, expecting to do all he can to get Sammy back from whatever awful foster family he's been placed with. He's not expecting Castiel Novak. (Castiel, in turn, isn't expecting his first foster child - five years old and angry - to be the one that leads him to the family he's always wanted, but life has a funny way of working itself out).

Shorten the Distance by GhostGarrison (Online/Long Distance Relationship) - "Nerdytr3nchcoat" and "Impala67" weren't looking for romance on the dating website called 'dateangels.com'. Castiel was looking for friends and Dean was just looking to get his nagging brother off his back. What they didn't expect to find was each other. [a long distance, online relationship fic]

Cooking with Gas by WinJennster (Food Network/Chef!Cas) - Castiel Novak has it all. He's rich, famous, has a top rated cooking show and restaurant, drives an expensive car and wears Armani. His producer throws a contest to spend a day with Chef Novak, cooking and learning techniques. Castiel wants no part of it, but Balthazar insists and Castiel will do as expected. What Castiel wasn't expecting was to fall head over heels for the winner. Dean Winchester hasn't had a successful relationship in his 34 years on Earth. He's got a past he'd like to keep hidden, and his life rotates around his family and his business. Winning a contest to spend a day with his favorite TV chef is a shock, but a welcome diversion from his day to day life...until he meets the guy, and he turns out to be a big jerk. Dean figures he should have expected that. What he wasn't expecting was that same gorgeous blue-eyed man to sweep in and shake up his entire world.

Life In Pink by youaresunlight (Kid Fic - SO FLUFF) - At just 33 years old, Dean Winchester is one of the most sought-after wedding planners in the city. He’s chased his dream ever since he was a kid and is now on the brink of making partner at his firm. But the wedding that’ll make or break his promotion? Is his best friend Dr. Castiel Novak’s. It’s going to be the event of the season - unlimited budget, no expense spared - and it’s the kind of task that Dean has been waiting for… except he’s hopelessly in love with Cas.

Kiss the Baker by Ltleflrt (Bakery AU) - Jo is pregnant and craving something a little bit unusual. When she sends Dean on a mission to find her some chocolate cake donuts with bacon sprinkles, he's sure that he'll fail. Luckily his partner Benny comes to his rescue and introduces him to a quirky little bakery that sells all kinds of weird (and delicious!) baked goods. And they do special orders!Dean finds excuses to keep going back, and Castiel finds excuses to keep giving him special treats.

And I believe this is the fic Anon was referring to: don't care where you've been by thanks_tacos (A/B/O) Dean's life is finally changing. After years of enduring Alastair's abuse, the alpha dies and Dean's married off to the next alpha the system pairs him with - Castiel. The man is strange and distant, but not exactly bad, and Dean's determined to be on his best behavior and not mess up the chance he was given. Soon enough, though, he fucks up anyway and has to call the alpha for help.Castiel's lived his entire life without an omega by his side, and he was fine with that. He doesn't know how to proceed once he's suddenly married to a beautiful man who's obviously been through a lot. Omegas were always a confusing subject to him, so he tries not to interfere much - neither of them is there by their choice. But when Dean calls for help, he understands he's going to have to set some things straight and engage more.

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fic rec #my ficrec #mandy answers stuffs #hbalbat

[finaledenialist]

so in one of your asks you said you dont think cas was in love with dean since the beginning and idk its interesting to me because everyone seem to think he was from the start so what is your take on that? idk im just curious haha

ohhh I wanted to make a post about this so thanks for asking!

disclaimer: I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade I just have a different take on this whole thing!!! 

So. I see people are like: OMG he was in love ALL THIS TIME SINCE 4x01 and I am like: no. 

Was he lost since he laid his hand on Dean in hell? Yes. Was he instantly in love? Nah.

See, Cas in season 4 and 5 is starting to feel. He is conflicted, he is questioning, he doesn’t have ‘people skills’, he is confused by what he feels, he knows there is a ‘profound bond’ between him and Dean and he is rebelling for Dean, because Dean has a point and Cas feels Dean is right and apocalypse and destruction are wrong, and this human is so human and he never had that connection before. Add the sexual innuendos, the eye fucking and the tension between those two and this is what i call ‘classic destiel’. I do have a strong feeling this is partly Jensen’s and Misha’s fault though haha but I am also convinced that the jokes like ‘Cas, get out of my ass!’/’Blow me Cas’ are purely for ‘comedic purposes’ because haha gay so funny (keep in mind it’s still 2008/2009 and things were so different then BUT we still got Endverse which had not only sexual stuff implied but romantic as well - ‘all we have left, Dean and I, is each other, if Dean says it’s time to go in a blaze of glory, so be it’ (I am writing this from memory so these might not have been exact lines but you know what I am talking about).

And then in season 6 and 7 is where things start to get romantic. ‘I watched you rake leaves’, Dean’s blind faith that no, Cas can’t be working with Crowley behind their backs because come on it’s Cas and the whole 6x20 episode is *chief’s kiss* and then season 7 and Cas dies to make things right and Dean keeps his trenchcoat and moves it from every car they have been using that season to always have it with him because part of me always believed you’d come back. OK, but I was meant to be talking mostly about Cas’ point of view. Which takes me back to 7x23 and I’d rather have you, cursed or not. I think these words had a major impact on Cas. Something just clicked. Because he realized that he could say these exact same words to Dean and they still would be true. 

And then we got season 8 which was a major shift and it really moved stuff from ‘sexual tension’ to ‘romantic tension’ and it’s still called ‘season fanfiction’ because I wanted to keep them away from you in purgatory and Cas generally not feeling worthy of anything but I think this is when he started to realize that what he feels is not like ‘brotherly friendship’ but something much deeper but he had his issues (I don’t deserve to be saved from purgatory thing) so he kind of kept it buried. But this was when the Real Love really started. But did he admit it to himself? Well I am not in Cas’ head but something must have been on his mind - Naomi had access too his mind and she immediately recognized that there is a certain Feeling that is dangerous and Cas needs to be fucking lobotomized (I still have shivers thinking about it). Did Naomi knew it was love? Idk, but she felt something was going on - that is why she tried to mess things up between Dean and Cas (I only wish he felt the same way ouch my heart....) and Metatron also recognized it, quicker and better (maybe because he spent much more time on earth and was generally a little more powerful and knowing as the scribe of God) and he immediately used Cas’ grace to banish angels from heaven because Cas was feeling love for a human. But did he, himself recognized it as love? Did he admit it to himself? I still have a feeling that no. I still think that his ‘I don’t know’ after Dean’s ‘What broke the connection?’ was honest.

Now let me fast forward to season 12, because this post is getting too long already and while seasons 9-11 had some good episodes and even good destiel scenes I feel this was the time many people - rightly so - were starting to lose faith in canon destiel, starting with Dean not letting Cas stay in the bunker in season 9 and bros acting like they only call Cas when they need him. I repeat - there were still some good episodes, even great ones. And we were shown Cas worried about Dean and being there for him anytime Dean called, there was so much pining but once again let me raise The Question: did Cas know what he was feeling was love? Or was he still confused, not letting himself believe, not being able to name his own feelings and emotions? And this is merely my opinion but this is also time where many people started to be bitter and negative by how writers treated Cas (and other characters in general but I am not gonna dive into that dumpster now, especially the Cas-having-sex-with-a-reaper thing which was awful, but in retrospect is even more awful because if it was Chuck’s writing this seems like some kind of sick attempt to do a conversion therapy and I want to throw up; plus he thought? he was into his boss at gas’n’sip and he thought she was into him and what even was it if not a. bad writing; b. Cas being confused; c. Cas being confused about this bad writing).

So season 12. First of all 12x12, when Cas thought he is gonna die and the infamous line ‘I love you. I love all of you’ happened. I  am 100% sure this is when Cas realized. This must have prompted questions for him. Why did I say what I said? He blurted those words out but why like that? Aaaand after some thinking I think he realized why. He must’ve been like ‘oooops’. But then Jack was about to be born and he had to protect Kelly and then he died.

And then he is in the Empty who says - I know who you love, I know what you fear, there is nothing for you out there. She doesn’t know shit, she just has access to Cas’ mind and apparently those were his thoughts, already at that time, he thought there was nothing for him out there (again, his depression issues) BUT THEN CAS, MY SWEET CAS, THIS BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER says fuck you Empty in one of his best monologues (before 15x18 I’d say it was his best but here we are) and she yeets him out, because HE decided HE is already saved and he doesn’t need a permission and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity. 

And then Jack dies and he takes the humiliating deal.  And now we’re at 15x18 and he says: ‘I have always wondered.... ever since I took that burden.... What my true happiness can even look like... Because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have’. SEE THESE WORDS HERE ARE WHY I CAN’T SLEEP AT NIGHT. BECAUSE THEY IMPLY at least to me THAT:

1. He was aware of his feelings, he knew what he felt was love at the time he took the deal. and after that he was like ‘I guess I am immortal now’ because the one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have so nothing else is going to make him truly happy; this also implies that there is only one thing he truly wants and the rest is just not that important, whatever else happens won’t make him happy which is heartbreaking;

2. He knew what he wanted, so this means that at some point he wondered, he imagined, he took his time to picture the ‘thing’ he wanted. Which is life with Dean. Because he is in love. LIKE HE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, HE REALLY DID AND HE CONCLUDED THAT THIS IS OUT OF HIS REACH (now people argue if that is because he thinks it’s unrequited or because he thinks that something something hunter life-fighting all the time-no attachments lifestyle won’t allow them to have this sort of life - and frankly, knowing that he learned everything, or almost everything about emotions from Dean, who isn’t really good at them, I am not surprised if he is sure that this feeling is one-sided, because maybe he conquered his fears in the Empty the first time around but taking the deal must have made him anxious and Chuck still calls him self-hating so he probably thinks this is one-sided and he is unworthy of love anyway);

3. He tried to imagine different scenarios that would make him happy but eventually it all came down to That One True Scenario, out of his reach, that couldn’t compare with anything else, and he tells Jack - you know about that deal, it’s ok, I don’t see myself becoming happy anytime soon AND IT HURTSSS

so to conclude and tl;dr - I think Cas realized that what he was feeling was love after 12x12 although he felt it before but might have been confused by it. I do not think he was ~in love~ since 4x01. There was tension and there was pining but no. This feeling evolved, it didn’t *just* happen in the barn. 

also i am so sorry this took so long but i have thoughts and feelings and can’t form a coherent sentence since november 5th anyway thanks for asking nonny, ily!!!!

#ask #asks #anon #long post #destiel is endgame #cas is in love #everything is beautiful but it hurts #spn 15x18 #spn spec #spn speculation #Anonymous