#and In my head ive always been like youre the fucking adult you should be taking responsibility and not being so immature

[pixiethoughtsfairyfeelings]

Having to gentle parent my own mother is something that is really difficult

#babygirl #text #me and my mommy issues :))))))) #yeahhhh #yeah #gentle parenting #thats what im doing #its my new approach to dealing with my mum #she's always on the defensive and aggressive and angry #and In my head ive always been like youre the fucking adult you should be taking responsibility and not being so immature #but the reality is she never learned how to do anything like that #and I just dont wanna see my siblings grow up with fucked up attachment styles because she doesn't understand how to get it together

[vivid-ink]

'The Love Shack' Part V - The Fault Is Ours

Relationship: Neteyam(23) x fem!Omatikaya reader(21) x Lo'ak(22) Warnings: Adult content 18+ MDNI

Part V Summary: You'd prepared for Neteyam's upset, prepared for his anger, but what you hadn't prepared for or even anticipated was his complete and total disregard for you... Word count: 13.7k

Series content: Mentions of group sex, MMF threesome, smut, sex toy play, squirting, anal sex, kuru play

Read Part I, II, III and IV in my Masterlist HERE

Author's Note: My darling lovelies, I present to you the finale Chapter 5 of this series. 🥰 I never thought I'd write anything else after 'Violet Eyes', but lo and behold, here I am at the end of my fifth series. And it's honestly all thanks to you wonderful folk in this community who have supported me & brought me so much enjoyment. Without further do, enjoy this finale!

***~~~***

 “I could ask you the same thing! What the fuck are you playing at?”

Lo’ak’s words rang in your ears and looped over and over in your stunned mind. Shaken and upset by Neteyam’s abrupt exit, your words had forsaken you and you’d been unable to offer immediate any answer to Lo’ak’s question apart from meekly muttered apologies.

It had very quickly dawned on you that whilst Lo’ak appeared as confused as you were, he and you were not at all confused about the same thing. You were reeling at his brother’s upset, whereas he appeared to be upset with you and confused by your actions.

You were alone in the play area currently. Lo’ak had gone into the shack’s main area to find some space and presumably warm some water for clean-up. You’d always had one of the brothers, usually Neteyam, to burrow against and snuggle up to while the other prepped the necessary things for clean-up and aftercare. The solitude tonight was new and it was unpleasant.

With Neteyam’s heated departure and Lo’ak’s apparent irritation, you felt cold, confused and abandoned.

Fat teardrops squeezed from between your lashes where you sat on folded legs on the bed, hunched over and hugging yourself. Your kept your snuffles as quiet as possible. You always felt vulnerable and frazzled after a session with the brothers. Once the extreme highs of sex and pleasure play had diminished, you were often thrown into a hormonal slump that left you feeling exposed and in need of comfort. There was no comfort today.

Neteyam had stormed off and now Lo’ak was angry with you too… You’d just wanted a parting kiss from each of them…

Your arms were crossed over your front and your fingernails dug into the flesh of your upper arms as you cried. The entire space still smelled of the activities you had engaged in with the brothers, and the scent was suddenly suffocating.

Eywa, tonight’s session had ended in disorientation and disaster… You should’ve listened to your mind’s cautioning earlier… You should’ve just said your piece and left…

Deciding it was probably best for you to leave, you crawled to the edge of the bed and stood on wobbly legs. Finding your chest covering on the floor, you secured it again over your breasts, fingers fumbling clumsily with the ties. Eyes still blurry from your tears, you swiped a hand over your face and continued to look for your loincloth.

Lo’ak re-entered the space with some cloths and a bowl of warm water. He took in your trembling and tearful state as you attempted to dress yourself again, and he sighed, “Hey, where are you going? Stop.”

“I think I should go. “You mumbled. You refused to meet his eyes, keeping your head downturned with your chin tucked against your chest, “I didn’t mean to upset you both.”

Setting down the things he was carrying, Lo’ak stopped you trying to pull your loincloth up your legs, “No, lie back down. We still need to get you cleaned up. I’m not letting you leave like this. Eywa, look at you.”

The sticky mess between your legs was trickling down your thighs. Your skin was damp with sweat and your nose was running from your tears. When you ignored his words and twisted out of his gentle hold, the remainder of Lo’ak’s patience snapped. With a growl, he took hold of you by your waist and hauled you back onto the soft bedding despite your rueful cries to leave you be.

Lo’ak watched as you curled onto your side, sobbing into your hands. He was still annoyed at what you’d done earlier, but he also recognised the emotional mess you were in after their play session. It was also obvious to him that you didn’t understand what had caused Neteyam’s upset. With another bone-weary sigh, he wet several small cloths in the bowl he’d brought in and wrung them dry.

“Shh, sweet thing. Come on, let me clean you up.” Lo’ak coaxed, gentling his voice.

He crawled onto the bedding next to you and tenderly parted your knees to sweep the cloth up your thighs and between them. Taking the other warm cloth, he folded it and placed it over your core, knowing the warmth of it would soothe the temporary swelling from their session. He wiped you down with a third cloth, the moist warmth of it smoothing over your belly, back and upper arms. He gently pried your hands from your face and he cleaned them too before dabbing at your face last.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was an unhappy squeak.

Putting the cleaning cloths aside, Lo’ak tucked himself behind your curled form, spooning you. He tucked an arm around your waist and pulled you to him, “Do you even know what you’re apologising for?”

“For upsetting you both.”

“Do you know why Neteyam took off and why I’m upset too?”

You considered his question. Great Mother, Neteyam had been furious… Things were strained enough already between the two of you and now it felt like things had broken down even further. And you’d simply kissed Lo’ak… You didn’t understand his recoil either…

You shook your head, fighting back another swelling bout of emotion, “No.”

Lo’ak cursed softly. He kept his arm around you though, wanting to soothe you still despite his frustration with you, with his brother, with the whole situation. He began measuredly, “I’m going to say my piece and I’m only going to say it once, because this whole thing, this we-don’t-talk-about-feelings shit, that you and Neteyam have going on is getting ridiculous.”

You sniffed softly, pawing at your eyes again when more unwanted tears poured forth, “Feelings can’t come into this. This arrangement was physical only.”

“Does that change the fact that they exist?” Lo’ak asked. Knowing you wouldn’t see as you were facing away from him, he gave an emphatic roll of his eyes, “Look, I know you have feelings for my brother, and I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn here because I feel like you know this already, but Neteyam returns those feelings.”

You shifted, rolling onto your back so you could scowl at him, “Where are you going with this? What does it matter?”

Lo’ak propped his head up on his elbow, responding with a glower of his own, “It matters because the bond that you share is sincere! There’s meaning there. What you and I share? That’s purely physical; just sex and body play. If you kiss me it’s because you enjoy the sensation, but there’s no meaning there.”

“So that’s why you’re angry? Because I kissed you and it doesn’t mean anything?”

An exasperated hiss left Lo’ak, his irritation rising again, “No! I’m upset because Neteyam is upset! You upset my brother, you upset me. That’s how this works.”

You could match his rising temper, however. Sick of the confusion you felt and just wanting Lo’ak to speak plainly, you spat, “So why is Neteyam upset? Things were going fine and then he decided to throw a tantrum!”

“Because you kissed me!” Lo’ak howled, frustrated by how something so simple in his eyes was so oblivious to you. Fine, he’d spell it out for you, “You said no kissing. That was the boundary that you set. You’ve denied my brother’s attempts to cross that line for weeks now. You denied him again tonight even when he asked to kiss you, and then you suddenly decide after it all to kiss me?!”

Realisation flooded you at how your actions had appeared and you were quick to refute the misunderstanding, “No! It’s not what it looks like! I wanted to kiss both of you one last time. You just happened to be closest. I was facing you so I kissed you first! But I would’ve kissed Neteyam next!”

Lo’ak emitted a miserable groan and flopped onto his back, pressing the fingers of one hand into his eyes, “Fuck, you should’ve kissed my brother first.”

You groaned and your hands flew to your face again in distress, “Great Mother, what a mess. Tell him for me when you see him? Tell him I wasn’t doing it intentionally to spite him?”

Peering through your fingers, you saw Lo’ak fix you with an incredulous expression, “I won’t be telling him anything. You’re going to explain yourself to him and the both of you are going to talk. Properly. Honestly.”

“I’ll apologise and explain what happened, but there’s nothing else to talk about.”

With a scathing laugh, Lo’ak rounded on you again, “You know that’s such bullshit, Neyomi. I know you’re in love with him.”

It was the truth. You knew it within yourself, had known it for so long now, but to hear it called out so openly by Lo’ak was a shock to your psyche. It felt like his utterance of the words had willed it into a truth so solid that no matter how much you wanted to deny it to salvage what was left of your heart, you couldn’t.

“He told me what happened that night at the hot spring, about how you denied his affection and pushed him away after. That really cut him deep.” Lo’ak added, and his tone was woeful.

Bitterly, you moved to sit upright so you could look at Lo’ak square in the eyes. You glared at him, cursing the tears that pooled in your eyes and threatened the spill, “So, what? You want me to tell Neteyam how I feel. Apologise for pushing him away, pour out my soul, and break my heart over a man I can never have?”

Understanding washed over Lo’ak at your words. There it was. The reason that had prompted your sudden change in behaviour over the last couple of moons. He’d known it wasn’t because you’d had a change of heart. You were only trying to protect yourself. Lo’ak thought of his brother’s stubbornness then, of Kiri, and their grandmother’s approval of the proposed arrangement. He chuckled.

You frowned at Lo’ak’s quiet laughter, feeling indignant and wondering if he really was cruel enough to be laughing at you right now. You hissed harshly, “It’s not funny.”

“No, no! I’m not laughing at you. It’s just this whole situation could be so easily solved if you and Neteyam actually put your egos aside to talk.” Lo’ak quickly reassured and he shook his head at you mildly with a final huff of laughter, “If there was a chance you could be with my brother, would you take it?”

Your face was still pulled deep in a frown, but the points of your ears twitched in sceptical interest, “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

Lo’ak licked his lips and ground his teeth together. It wasn’t his place to say. The arrangement was a formal one and until it was officially announced by the tsahìk, it was not to be spoken of. Clan formalities had to be observed by all and Neteyam had technically broken the rules by telling him about it.

“My grandmother is going to make a formal announcement to the clan tomorrow night at communal last meal.” Lo’ak said, and there was a particular note in his inflection that urged you to listen, that told you what he was telling you was significant, “If you truly care for my brother, you’ll speak to him afterward and you’ll tell him the truth of how you feel. Because he’s a stubborn skxawng who’s been stung one too many times now and the he won’t be honest with you unless you make the first move.”

***~~~***

You sat with Tula and some of the other female warriors, all gathered for last meal in the central gathering space of the village. You’d barely eaten anything all day and yet, as you stared at the assortment of stewed, roasted and fresh foods on your food mat, you didn’t feel even an ounce of hunger. Your anxiety had made sure of that.

It’d been a typical day of rest for the clan; families enjoyed each other’s company; friends spent time catching up over fun hobbies; children squealed and ran amok the village grounds, glad for a day off from lessons and chores. However, you’d been a tense knot of nerves all day awaiting the tsahìk’s impending proclamation.Ordinarily, you wouldn’t have been bothered. The tsahìk made all sorts of announcements all the time, but tonight’s announcement would supposedly be bringing you an opportunity, or so Lo’ak had assured.

You’d sought Tula out first thing in the morning, brimming with emotion and nerves after the mishap at the shack last night. The olo’eyktan’s family had passed you at communal breakfast and while Lo’ak had graced you with a genial grin, Neteyam had avoided acknowledging you entirely. Everything came to a head at that point.

You’d told Tula everything then about how Kai had ended things, how you’d confronted Neteyam at the shack and what came after. You’d cried in her arms over how you’d inadvertently slighted Neteyam and told her of what Lo’ak was urging you to do. To your surprise, Tula had sided with Lo’ak’s view on things.

What followed was a day of forced, but blessed pampering from your best friend. Tula had taken you down to the bathing springs, where she’d treated you to one of her wonderful back rubs with sweet oils, before she helped you to undo your tightly braided hair for washing. She had cooed and clucked over you, slathering you in all sorts of balms and creams that would help reduce the puffiness of your eyes, relax you and smoothen your skin.

Your hair fell loosely around your ears and shoulders now, luscious and silky from Tula’s various herbal conditioning treatments. Your skin felt smooth like baby’s bottom and she’d dowsed you in a scented oil to help promote calmness. She’d plucked several sun lily blooms from their stems on the walk back to the village and threaded them through your locks, remarking with a flourish that the vivid indigo hue of the flowers set off the rest of your more casual look perfectly.

“You’re quiet this evening, Neyomi. You look beautiful by the way.” Silwey observed, smiling at you from across the gathered circle of women.

The other female warrior’s smile was polite and you forced as genuine a smile back at her in return. Silwey was beautiful too, very beautiful. She had the kind of classic beauty that all the old women harped on about. The kind of loveliness that would make most men drool and gawk.

“Thanks, Tula did a fantastic job on me, as always.” You replied, picking at a small morsel of meat and popping it into your mouth.

“Not that you don’t always look beautiful though, but there’s just something about today’s look that really flatters.” Another female, Kanoa, added brightly.

“Kai is a lucky man.” Silwey chortled. You nearly choked on your food.

Clearing your throat gently, you shrugged self-consciously at Silwey, “Ah, Kai and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise.”

“It’s alright. The split is fairly fresh, but it was mutual.”

Clearly feeling bad for catching you out on an awkward subject, Silwey attempted to cheer you up, “Well, whoever catches your eye next will be a very lucky man.”

The women all murmured in cheerful agreement. Even Tula, who was doing a great job of pretending that she was unaware of the real reason for your disquiet. You mustered up a kind smile at Silwey to reassure her you’d taken no offense. You wondered if she would’ve been as kind if she knew that the man who’d caught your eye was Neteyam…

Absently, you wondered if Neteyam had sought Silwey out on her own again in the weeks you’d stopped going to the shack. You were well aware of Silwey’s romantic interest in Neteyam, especially after her last bold proposition to him all those weeks ago on the very day that had led to your evening spent with Neteyam at the hot spring. The thought of him with Silwey pained you, and you forced the thought from your mind.

A chorus of soft hushing and murmurs rippled through the gathered Omatikaya then and you saw the tsahìk step up onto the raised platform by the bonfire. She raised her arms and the clan fell obediently into silence.

“Brothers and sisters! I thank you all for gathering this night, may Eywa bless us in our communion.” Mo’at called out, her voice carrying strongly over the crowd, “A proposal was brought to me for consideration not long ago, by our olo’eyktan, regarding the traditions our people have long held about how our clans are led. Tradition has always decreed that our peoples be led by a mated pair, olo’eyktan and tsahìk, unified and blessed in the eye of Eywa.”

Your heart was beginning to pound in your chest, impatient for the tsahìk to get to the crux of her proclamation.

Mo’at continued, “But in recent generations, this has not always been so. Indeed there are other clans where the leading pair are not mated to each other, instead leading their people through an agreed partnership. Even for us Omatikaya, things have changed with the coming and subsequent defeat of the Sky People.” She turned astute eyes at her family, at Jake and Neytiri in particular, “I have retained my position as tsahìk because my daughter chose a warrior’s path, while my son-in-law Jake leads us as chief. But I am getting old now.”

Muted murmurs of curiosity were rising within the crowd, all keen to hear what their tsahìk was about to say.

Mo’at raised her arms again and she gestured this time for two others to join her on the platform. Neteyam ascended at her beckoning closely followed by his sister, Kiri.

Mo’at smiled warmly at her two grandchildren, placing a hand on each of their heads in blessing before addressing the crowd again, “Our line of succession has not changed. Neteyam will still succeed his father as olo’eyktan in time to come. However, I have prayed to our Great Mother recently and she has shown me who is to walk the path of tsahìk after me. As many of you have experienced for yourselves, our Kiri is gifted and Eywa’s voice has whispered to her since she was barely more than a babe. Our Great Mother has chosen and Kiri will fulfil the role of tsahìk when my time comes to pass!”

A current of emotion washed through the clan, all susurrating and murmuring, some excitedly and others confusedly.

“Wait, what?” Kanoa breathed, “Kiri will lead with Neteyam?”

“Yes.” Silwey affirmed, “She will be tsahìk and Neteyam will be olo’eyktan alongside her.”

Mo’at’s voice rang out again and she continued, “I hereby declare Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk’itan and Kiri te Suli Kireysi’ite our Omatikaya successors! They will choose their own respective mates, but they will lead this clan in time, brother and sister in partnership!”

Neteyam and Kiri clasped hold of each other hands then and they raised their arms in affirmation of their partnership before the people. The Omatikaya roared their approval, clapping, howling and ululating their joy.

They will choose their own respective mates… Mo’at’s words rang in your ears amidst the din the clan was making around you. Tula clutched at one of your knees, beaming at you happily at what the proclamation meant for you: A chance to love, truly and freely.

Your gaze drifted to the rest of the Sully family standing by the foot of the platform. You caught Lo’ak’s eye and he smirked at you, his eyes twinkling with meaning. This was what he’d meant last night. You recalled his question to you: If there was a chance you could be with my brother, would you take it?

You knew your answer: Absolutely.

The thrilled yammering of the warrior women around you brought you back to the present.

“So he can choose any woman he wants now. Not necessarily one of the healer women.” Kanoa’s voice was an energised whisper and she giggled girlishly at her words.

“Yup, sounds like it.” Another warrior, Neneka said, “Great Mother, have mercy on my soul for saying this, but I’d love to get under Neteyam, you know what I mean? He watches and plays around a bit at the old outpost, but he’s not as unreserved as Lo’ak is.”

You froze when you realised what the topic of the conversation had turned to among the women. Eywa, you didn’t want to hear about other women’s experiences with him…

“Yeah, he’s picky.” Kanoa sighed dreamily, “I bet he’s a generous lover though. Someone here is lucky enough to know.” She elbowed Silwey and burst into another fit of kittenish giggles.

“Hey, stop it. I’m not going to kiss and tell.” Silwey replied, laughing and swatting lightly at Kanoa. She pursed her lips sassily then and she gave a sly narrowing of her eyes, “But he’s an incredible time. That’s all I’ll say.”

The warrior women crowed with laughter at their gossipmongering and your food looked very interesting all of a sudden. You picked at the offerings on your food mat, eating a few mouthfuls and concentrating hard on the burst of savoury flavours on your tongue in a bid to drown out the awful conversation around you. You could feel Tula’s concerned eyes peering at you, but you kept to yourself.

“Well, I’m going to go and congratulate Kiri.” Tula pronounced, trying to change the subject. She pushed off her heels to stand, “Kiri is the one who’s been formally confirmed into her role tonight. It’s not all about Neteyam.”

“That’s true. Good idea.” Silwey agreed, rising to her feet along with the other women. She tittered boldly and then added, her tone brazen, “I’ll congratulate Kiri and then perhaps see if Neteyam would like some private company tonight too.”

The women snickered and began making their way towards the platform to offer Kiri their felicitations. You shook your head at the mob of them as they left. Eywa, the women were as bad as the men were with their egging and bragging of sexual conquests…

Tula lingered behind, staying with you. She crouched down next to you and reached out to squeeze your shoulder, “Don’t pay any attention to them. Eyes on the prize. You have a meaningful conversation that you need to have with Neteyam tonight. And it could change everything.”

“I know.” You sighed, looking over your shoulder where Kiri and Neteyam stood by the front of the platform, surrounded by a throng of well-wishers, “It’s just- I think I really hurt him last night.”

“There are two sides to every story. He’s not exactly been forthcoming with you either. You both need to just clear the air and get everything out in the open.”

“Thanks for everything today. Thanks for listening.” You shot Tula an appreciative smile, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Tula’s answer was a smile and a wink, but her face twisted into an unimpressed grimace when she looked to the front of the platform again, “Better work fast, babe. Silwey’s got dessert on her mind tonight.”

Sure enough, you saw Silwey whispering into Neteyam’s ear when you cast another glance over your shoulder. It was now or never. You needed to get Neteyam alone and you were going to swallow your pride and tell him everything. Dusting your hands off, you rose to your feet, intent for the throng of people gathered at the front.

Politely excusing yourself as you stepped past families and groups of friends, you weaved through the crowd and passed the crackling bonfire on your way. You made for Kiri first, wanting to congratulate the other woman. You had never spoken much to Kiri, but you were acquaintances through her brothers. Being a warrior by profession meant that you had more to do work-wise with Neteyam and Lo’ak than with Kiri, who was of course a healer and spiritual leader by trade.

Finally making it to the newly appointed tsakarem (tsahìk in waiting), you greeted Kiri politely, making the appropriate gesture with your fingers splaying out from your forehead, “Oel ngati kameie, Kiri. Congratulations on your appointment. The clan rejoices and thanks you for your service.”

Kiri’s answering smile at your greeting was enigmatic, her large golden eyes bright and perceptive, “Ngati kameie nìteng (I see you also), Neyomi. Thank you for your kind words.”

You mused quietly to yourself that Kiri already seemed to have the piercing look of a tsahìk down perfectly. The other woman was unfazed as she openly eyed you from your face, down your torso and legs, and then back up to your face again. She cocked her head at you then, eyes in a slight squint, “The tsawksyul blooms are a nice touch in your hair. Beautiful.”

“Irayo (thank you).” You thanked her, realising awkwardly that you really didn’t know what else to say to Kiri. You were also wilting a little under her penetrating gaze, so you spluttered a parting blessing, “May Eywa bless you and keep you always.”

Kiri nodded, the short and wispy ends of her short hair swaying where they framed her lovely face. Her eyes flitted to Neteyam who stood several paces to her right, surrounded by what could only be described as a gaggle of fawning women. Your own eyes followed Kiri’s, taking immediate note of the fact that Silwey was closest to him and that she’d curled a covetous hand around one of his biceps, her side pressed against his.

“I expect you’ll want to get my brother’s attention now that his pool of choice has widened.” Kiri began, moving closer to you so she could speak into your ear, “Like the rest of these eager vultures.”

Her disdain was clear in her tone and you shifted uneasily on your feet. You shook your head to refute her statement, not wanting to be reduced or likened in any way to the notion of a shallow, insipid woman, lusting after a man of high standing.

“I do need to speak to Neteyam, but it’s important. An apology actually.” You replied, hoping your candour would prove your sincerity to his intimidating sister.

With one last cock of her head and a piercing stare that made you feel like she could see you inside and out, the warm smile that Kiri graced you with next was unexpected, “My brothers speak highly of you, as do the warriors in your platoon. Eywa ngahu (May Eywa be with you), Neyomi.”

You dipped your head in acknowledgement and Kiri’s attention was quickly pulled away by another clan member wishing to congratulate her. With a deep breath, you refocused on your objective.

Neteyam was speaking to four women, all smiles and laughter as they conversed. You managed to place yourself in a gap between two of them, just big enough for you to slip into without needing to push anyone. It placed you directly in his line of sight, but if you thought he was going to acknowledge you, even out of courtesy given there were others surrounding him, watching him, you were wrong.

Mild irritation flared in your gut and you continued to look at him, trying to catch his eye. However, Neteyam’s gaze studiously avoided yours while he spoke in turn to the others, even quirking a small smile at Silwey when she leant her cheek against his shoulder. Your distress was sharp behind your sternum at the sight, but you were determined.

You cleared your throat audibly, causing a lull in the conversation as the women turned to look at you. You seized the opportunity, “Excuse me. Neteyam, can I have a moment? I need to speak to you.”

Finally, for the first time that day, his amber orbs clashed with your own. There was no warmth in them though, no emotion. Just pure impassiveness that sent a dreadful shudder through you.

“If it’s about work, it can wait until tomorrow morning.” Neteyam’s response was clipped.

His icy demeanour was cutting. You’d expected him to be upset, but not like this, not cold and unfeeling. “It’s not work-related, but it’s important.”

“Sorry. I’ve got plans tonight.” More callous brusqueness.

This was an unexpected hurdle. You hadn’t anticipated his refusal to speak to you. You’d prepared for his upset and for his anger, but not for his complete and utter disregard. A painful lump was forming in your throat and you swallowed it down tightly.

Keeping a tight rein on the brewing storm of your emotions beneath the surface, you maintained your careful mask of composure and tried again, “Neteyam, please. I only need a few moments.”

“No, I’ll catch you another time.” It was a clear dismissal.

You weren’t going to beg, not in front of everyone. You would swallow your pride, but not to the extent of abandoning all of your dignity.

Silwey was frowning at you, puzzled displeasure colouring her features, and the other women appeared equally uncomfortable at the awkward exchange. The telltale hot flush of humiliation was beginning to tingle and burn on the skin of your face. You regarded Neteyam’s hard gaze one final time before you turned and excused yourself from the group.

The world around you became surreal, the noise of the gathered clan becoming a dull hum as you ambled on numb feet back the way you came. You could feel your composure beginning to fracture, the turbulent storm within you threatening to spill, and with the first breath that hitched painfully in your chest, you broke into a sprint in the direction of your home shelter.

You needed somewhere safe and away from prying eyes for the dam to burst… For the upheaval of your emotions to come pouring out…

Your eyes stung and your vision blurred with the uncontrollable arrival of your tears. An onslaught of sobs besieged you next and you tore the sun lily blooms from your hair as you ran, pawing at the wetness streaming from your eyes. Evidently what had happened last night at the shack had been the last straw for Neteyam. You cried at the unfairness of it all.

You finally had a chance, but now it seemed that Neteyam was unwilling to grant it to you…

Someone was calling your name, the thud of heavy footfalls catching up to you. You ignored their calls, pumping your legs harder to increase your speed.

A strong hand hooked around your elbow, slowing you with a jolt and you attempted to spiral away, “No! Leave me alone!”

Another hand clasped hold of your other arm and your pursuer spun you in their arms to face them. Your forearms collided with a muscled chest and for a split second your mind tricked you into believing that Neteyam had come after you, but as your blurry gaze lifted to the man’s face you recognised who it really was.

Wrong brother. Lo’ak.

Lo’ak’s expression was cross, but you knew his irritation was not directed at you as he shushed you softly, “Hey, it’s alright, sweet thing.” He gave you a brief but tight hug before pulling away and fixing you with determined eyes, “Listen to me, OK? You have to keep it together. Go to my family’s shelter and wait there. Let yourself in, no one is home. They’re all still eating.”

Only half paying attention, you stammered, “W-What? Why?”

“Because I’m sick of this back-and-forth! You and Neteyam are going to talk. Tonight.” Lo’ak pressed insistently. He squeezed your arms gently in reassurance, “Go wait in my family’s shelter. I’ll get my brother.”

“He’s got plans.” You had meant to sound unpleasant, had meant for your voice to be a grating rasp, but what came out was an unsteady warble of words.

A harsh scoff left Lo’ak and he was already turning to jog back towards the crowded throng, “Nope, trust me. He doesn’t. Not if I have anything to say about it. Go! And stay there!”

***~~~***

A cacophony of grunts, thuds and slaps filled the woodland air as the brothers brawled off the main village pathway behind some shrubbery.

Neteyam hadn’t appreciated Lo’ak’s brisk interruption just as he and Silwey had been making their way to a quieter spot for the evening. He’d refused his brother’s ‘urgent’ request to return home at first, until Silwey had sensed the quickly rising strain between the pair and had grudgingly excused herself with a plea for him to seek her out later once the ‘emergency’ had been resolved. Neteyam had known exactly what his brother was doing, had known that there wasn’t a ‘family emergency’ at all, since their entire family could still be seen enjoying their dessert of fruit by the bonfire.

Spiteful comments were exchanged, hissing taunts were made and in the end, it was Lo’ak who’d thrown the first punch out of frustration.

The pair of them tussled, no longer upright on their feet, but wrestling on the moss-covered ground instead. It was a violent tangle of arms and legs. Neteyam had almost succeeded in his attempt to pin Lo’ak, when his younger brother threw a stinging punch, his fist colliding painfully with his jaw. A wounded groan left him and Lo’ak seized the opportunity, rolling to flip his brother onto his back in a pin.

Neteyam’s eyes were scrunched closed and his face was contorted into a pained grimace. Their bodies were robust with strong bones and tough skin, but the pain was always sharp and the bruising would show.

“You done, bro?” Lo’ak snarled, spitting a build-up of saliva and blood on the ground to his side.

Breathing hard, Neteyam fought a throbbing jaw to crack open his eyelids.

Lo’ak could see his brother was still angry, but the vehemence of Neteyam’s ire had dissipated after their brawl. He felt his brother pat his thigh in a gesture of submission and he shifted his weight so Neteyam could sit upright. Lo’ak rose gingerly to his feet, his hip aching a little from a rapid roll that Neteyam had executed earlier. He extended a hand out to his older brother who took it, pulling himself to his feet.

Fisticuffs had never been a regular occurrence between them. Not even when they’d been young boys. Lo’ak had always excelled at being the problematic, troublesome younger brother, but Neteyam had kept hold of his maturity and patience most of the time. They’d only ever had a handful of fistfights in their lives and they’d all been over significant issues. And it was fair to say that tonight’s issue was significant.

“I won’t let you run from this.” Lo’ak declared, wiping the stray dribble of blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of a hand, “I’ve always been the stupid, reckless one, and you’ve always looked out for me. Well, I’m returning the favour. She’s worth it, bro.”

Reminded of the reason for their brawl in the first place, Neteyam gritted his teeth and closed his eyes with a deep exhale through his nose. He didn’t want to talk to you… He figured that you felt bad, that you wanted to apologise… but he was past simple apologies now… He didn’t want to face you if you were just going to seek forgiveness and then go back to your life without him…

“There’s nothing to be said. She’s made herself clear that she isn’t interested.” Neteyam muttered severely, massaging at his own tender jaw with cautious fingers.

“I’m fucking done hearing that from both of you!”

“And I’m fucking sick of saying it! She won’t kiss me but she’ll happily kiss you! Things are pretty damn clear to me!”

“That was a misunderstanding, and she’ll explain it herself if you let her! For once in your life, can you just trust me on this?!” Lo’ak exclaimed, exasperated, “I’m not the one being the skxawng ass right now! You and Neyomi have tiptoed around each other for weeks! So I’m staging an intervention. Forced discussion!” The blood continued to build-up in his mouth and he cursed again with another spit to his side. He’d taken an elbow in the teeth from his brother at some point and he was quite sure that one of his teeth had loosened.

“Sorry.” Neteyam mumbled somewhat contritely.

“It was a good move with your elbow, very fast.” Lo’ak conceded, huffing out a laugh. However, his face returned to its sombre expression then, “Maybe you and Neyomi will both find it in yourselves to apologise to one another tonight too.”

Neteyam’s only response was a bitter snort. He was aware Lo’ak had spoken to you last night after he’d fled the shack. His brother had been scant on the details this morning, but he’d insisted that what had happened was a misunderstanding and that he needed to speak to you. Still smarting from your denial the previous night, Neteyam had promptly let Lo’ak’s words in through one of his ears and out the other, not intending at all to follow through.

When Neteyam didn’t say anything more, Lo’ak inveigled him, “Look, she wants to talk and clear the air. You both have some serious shit you need to say to each other and I’m not going to keep playing messenger between you.”

An image of you from earlier in the evening flitted to the forefront of Neteyam’s mind. He saw you with your hair loose and un-braided, the long strands falling to frame your face and trailing to tickle your shoulders and upper back. You had three tsawksyul blooms threaded into your locks behind your ears. You’d looked so beautiful... The next image was of the wounded look on your face when he’d denied your request to speak him in a callous dismissal in front of the others. The hurt that flashed in your eyes had been plain to see, and it had felt good to know that he’d hurt you, that he’d given you a taste of your own medicine.

“Where is she?” Neteyam queried quietly.

“Back at our family’s shelter. I asked her to wait there.”

Moistening his lips, Neteyam took a deep breath and set off back towards the main village path. He felt rotten now for upsetting you. Yes, you’d hurt him, but it didn’t make things any better for him to have hurt you in retaliation.

“Bro,” Lo’ak called out, making Neteyam stop in his tracks, “Don’t make things so hard, OK? Be honest. Open up to her. You might be surprised at what you find.”

With a sideways glace at his brother, Neteyam nodded, “Yeah.”

***~~~***

You sat on your folded legs on the floor of a smaller alcove in the Sullys’ home, waiting anxiously to see if Lo’ak would succeed in his endeavour to persuade Neteyam to speak to you. It hadn’t been a very long while, but it had certainly been long enough that you were starting to worry that perhaps Neteyam had remained unyielding.

You’d let yourself into the Sullys’ home shelter like Lo’ak had instructed and you’d proceeded to drift about awkwardly as you took the space in. Their shelter was much bigger than the standard ones most families lived in. Perks of being the chief’s family, you supposed. It had a much more spacious living area and the alcoves branching off the main space, that served as each individual’s private area, were also bigger than usual.

Trinkets and decorations both of Na’vi and human origin adorned the shelter, speaking to the mixed heritage of the family. Tinkling wooden chimes hung from the joists that held the shelter up. Homely furniture and utensils were set about the space on thick woven rugs, and little paper images of the family (which you’d come to learn were called photographs) were displayed here and there.

You’d ambled about, quietly admiring the place but too nervous to touch anything out of respect. Your nose had led you to one of the alcoves in particular, Neteyam’s familiar scent wafting from it like an appealing perfume that called to every nerve and cell in your body. A sense of comfort had washed over you and you’d settled yourself on the floor rug in his alcove to continue your wait.

Everything about the alcove screamed Neteyam, from the neatly made bedding to the well-ordered layout. His elegant bow and weaponry were systematically arranged against one side, long knives, spears and daggers hanging from a sturdy looking frame. Tidy piles of fabric and clothing sat nestled in a wooden chest, and a small but ornate dresser sat on the far side with his personal jewellery and knick-knacks. Your own alcove looked like a haphazard hovel in comparison, but whenever your mother complained of the mess, you always maintained that you found comfort in your chaos.

As another wave of apprehension consumed you, you inhaled deeply through your nose and let your breath whistle out from between your lips. Your gaze fell to your clasped hands in your lap. You knew what you wanted to say. You’d rehearsed the words over and over in your mind the whole day. You just needed a chance to say them. A pang of hurt lanced through your chest at your recollection of Neteyam’s callous dismissal. You hoped that you’d get that chance tonight.

The draping flaps at the entrance of the shelter swished apart then and your head snapped upright with a gasp to see Neteyam enter the space. Another gasp left you when you took in the few purpling bruises on his ribs and jawline, visible even in the lambent glow of the firelight in the central hearth.

You were on your feet and marching up to him in an instant, concern in your voice, “What happened?” You raised a gentle hand to his face, wanting to examine his jaw, but he flinched away from your touch.

“Lo’ak said you were waiting here to talk. He was very persuasive with his fists.” Neteyam replied and his tone was harsh and tight.

Your lips settled into an unhappy line. Your gaze dropped to Neteyam’s clenched fists by his sides and you spotted the telltale cuts on his knuckles that indicated the fight certainly wasn’t one-sided. You felt another sharp pinprick of hurt that the brothers had gotten into a physical disagreement over your request to speak to Neteyam. Did he really loathe you that much now that he’d fought with Lo’ak over this?...

Neteyam stood motionless while he watched your various emotions flit across your face. He noted the absence of the sun lily blooms from your hair, noted the downturn of your ears, the stickiness of your cheeks and the shine around your eyes. You’d been crying... Guilty regret bloomed in his gut, but his pride was quick to quash it. He was hurt too, hurt by your previous denials. Tears may not have left his eyes but that didn’t mitigate the fact that you’d hurt him too with your rejections.

Your heart thumped in your chest, blood pounding in your ears as you watched Neteyam wait for you to say something. His gaze was cold and the impatient swish of his tail was telling.

Now, in the moment, with the chance you wanted presented to you, the words you’d repetitively rehearsed earlier seemed to have abandoned you entirely. Desperately trying to tamp down the panic that was rising, you heartened yourself. Now or never, Neyomi!

“I’m sorry.” The words were a sticky croak in your throat and you cleared it softly before continuing, “I didn’t mean for last night to end like it did. The truth is, I wanted to kiss you both one last time. Lo’ak just happened to be closest to me. I would’ve turned to you after.”

“Uh huh.” Neteyam’s response was sceptical and he felt his irritation beginning to rise. It was certainly a very convenient explanation on your part… You’d wanted to kiss him too? After all your rebuffs and refusals, he found it incredibly hard to believe.

You sensed his disbelief and you pressed your point further, “I’m not just saying that, I mean it. I didn’t do it to mock you or hurt you. I was so spaced out and I wasn’t really thinking things through. I’m sorry, really I am.”

“Yeah, OK. You’re forgiven.” Neteyam said with a shrug, feigning insouciance in a bid to disguise his hurt. He didn’t really forgive you. He felt far too wounded to excuse your actions so easily, but he was growing more and more uncomfortable in the thick tension that surrounded you both and he wanted out of there. If what you wanted was to apologise and seek his forgiveness then you’d done that. Conversation over. “If that’s all you needed to say then you’ll need to excuse me. Someone’s waiting for me.”

The nonchalance Neteyam was displaying made you feel equal parts sad and angry. Here you were being sincere, wanting to start an honest discussion and he wasn’t even trying. It felt as if he was here just so he could tell Lo’ak he’d spoken to you, when nothing about his manner or his words was genuine. Neteyam’s frame was already turned halfway away from you, his intention to leave clear.

Your annoyance spiked, emboldening you and you hissed, “No, I’m not done. Don’t walk away from me.” Especially not to run back into Silwey’s arms…

Pausing in his steps, Neteyam gritted his teeth and his injured jaw throbbed painfully. He turned to face you again with pinned ears and unimpressed eyes, “What else?”

He watched your as your breaths began to deepen and a frown marred your lovely face. You were so impossibly beautiful even when you were angry, and the thought only further infuriated him in that moment. Lo’ak’s words echoed in the recesses of his mind; be open, be honest. But what did his brother expect him to do? Pour his heart out to you? He’d done that once before the night of the hot spring, and you’d thrown his affection back in his face.

Your next words were uncanny, as if you had somehow read his thoughts.

“I’m sorry also for how I reacted that night at the hot spring.” You stated, making a conscious attempt to stop your irritation from colouring your expression. You wanted to appear sincere and you didn’t think an apology delivered with a scowl would achieve that. “It wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings then either, and I’m sorry if I did.”

Neteyam wasn’t making the same effort though and his words were muttered through clenched teeth, “Again, you’re forgiven.”

Your tail hung low between your legs and you frowned at him, upset, “You’re just saying that. I’m trying to tell you that I’m genuinely sorry and you’re just going through the motions!”

The monster of his pain that Neteyam had spent the last couple of moons trying to restrain reared its ugly head in full force. He didn’t want your apologies. He wanted you. But just as he couldn’t force you to feel for him what he felt for you, your apologies couldn’t force his earnest forgiveness from him either.

“Well, a genuine apology doesn’t always earn genuine forgiveness, especially when forgiveness isn’t ready to be granted on the forgiver’s part!” Neteyam cried in a bitter shout. He saw you gulp and recoil slightly at his raised voice, but he’d uncorked the bottle of his tumultuous emotions now and after being pent up for so long, his words poured from him in an inexorable stream, “Do you know what it’s like to want someone, to be around them every day, to be so close to them and know what their body feels like, tastes like, and yet have to live with the fact that they don’t want you the same way?! You know, if all you wanted from me was the pleasure of my body, then so be it! I’ll accept that and I’ll get over my feelings in time. But don’t expect me to forgive you now when I’m not ready to do that!”

His shouting startled you at first, but you were quick to recover. He wasn’t the only one who could be loud.

“It’s not just your body I want!” You shrieked in return, and it was Neteyam’s turn to wince. You advanced on him and he took a few steps back as you gained on him until he was backed against one of the shelter’s support beams. “And yes, I know exactly what it’s like to want someone and feel like you can’t have them because that’s how I’ve been feeling too, you skxawng!”

You were so close to Neteyam now that your chin was tilted up defiantly while you held his gaze. He was glaring down at you in return, his broad chest heaving with his own resentment. You were both reeling from each other’s words, both your brains working frantically to process the situation. However, rationality was hard to find when emotions were running high, especially when what felt good in the moment was to spew blame and point fingers.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the tsahìk’s arrangement with Kiri?” You demanded hotly.

“What difference would it have made?” Neteyam snarled, “Besides, you avoided me for weeks! You were impossible to get hold of and then you went and started fucking Kai!”

“It would’ve made all the difference!” You screeched, “And don’t bring Kai into this! I never put any restrictions on you or Lo’ak while our agreement was in place. I never stopped either of you from carrying on with your other play nights with the other women!”

“I haven’t been with anyone else since you! Despite everything, all I want is you!”

“Me too!”

Both his words and yours were shouted and the sound reverberated in the hollow confines of the shelter. You sagged as if suddenly tired from the emotional tirade of the last while, and you saw the remnants of Neteyam’s ire gradually seep from his own furious expression. The truth of the situation struck you both with such stark clarity that it stunned you both into deafening silence.

Neteyam was the first to break the silence. He gave a slow shake of his head and he closed his eyes, trying to make sense of it all, “Wait, what? So why did you pull away that night at the spring? And then you avoided me and stopped coming to the shack when you start seeing Kai.”

“Because I was scared.” You murmured, and the memory of your sleepless nights filled with heartsick despair brought unbidden tears to your eyes. You blinked wet eyes up at him and your tears escaped at the action.

Neteyam hated the sight of your tears, especially now that he was the cause of them. He sighed wearily. Tenderness swelled in his chest and he cupped one of your cheeks with a gentle hand, smoothing away the rolling bead of moisture with his thumb. His deep voice was soft and gentle when he spoke, a direct contrast to his harsh bellows from before, “Scared of what?”

“Of falling for you.” You gave a wet laugh and continued your explanation, “You will be olo’eyktan of this clan one day. By tradition your mate must be worthy of being tsahìk. That was never going to be me. I ran because I was in too deep already. I wanted to keep what I had left of my heart, but I realised after that it was too late anyway.”

Neteyam stifled a curse under his breath. The arrangement of Kiri becoming tsakarem hadn’t been confirmed yet at the time. His grandmother had still been deliberating and praying about it when the night at the hot spring had occurred, but the decision had been made not long after. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so wounded by your actions, if he’d listened to his brother and been more persistent in getting hold of you, this current situation may not have spiralled so out of hand.

“Fuck, I should’ve said something.” Neteyam lamented with a groan, tilting his chin down to rest his forehead against yours, “I was just so convinced that you didn’t feel the same way and that telling you would just result in another rebuff. Especially since you still came to the shack to play for but refused to kiss me.”

“I wanted to, so much.” You whispered with a sniffle, your nose brushing his lightly, “I tried with Kai, but there was no spark there. All I could think about was you. How could I not want all of you? You’re everything I want. I wanted to protect my heart but it broke anyway trying to stay away from you.”

Your words ended in a mewling sob and Neteyam enveloped you in his arms, crushing you to him. You buried your face into the crook of his neck, the comforting warmth of his body only seeming to make you cry harder.

“Shhh, I’m sorry too.” Neteyam soothed, running a large hand up and down your back while the other cupped your head against him, “I’ve been a fool and I’m so sorry.”

Remorse and shame flooded him as he reflected now on the past while. Hindsight was always 20/20. Great Mother, you’d both been so stupid... You’d both been on the same trajectory all along, except you hadn’t seen a conceivable way forward and while he had, knowing of the arrangement with Kiri, your fear and your avoidant behaviour had caused him to misunderstand and unwittingly hide the solution from you.

He pressed a kiss to your temple, loosening his hold when he felt you shift to peer up at him.

Dabbing at your nose and eyes with the back of your hand, you apologised for your appearance, “Sorry, I probably look a mess.”

Neteyam emitted a scoff and graced you with a warm smile. His hands framed your face, thumbs caressing your cheeks, “No, you’re beautiful even when you cry, paskalin. I’ll claim that kiss that you owe me now, if that’s alright?”

With a giggle, you agreed.

Sliding your palms up his chest to wind your arms around his neck, you pushed up onto the balls of your feet to meet his lips in a smooth and plush meld. It was different to how you’d imagined it would be last night, in your dazed state of overstimulation and arousal. When you’d decided on sharing one last kiss with Neteyam and Lo’ak, you’d been dejected and you’d expected the kiss to be filled with an air of sad finality. But your kiss with Neteyam now burned bright with hope and promise.

Pulling away gently, Neteyam’s smile was wide and you could see your own happiness mirrored in his golden orbs. He nuzzled your cheek affectionately, rubbing his cheek along yours while you did the same. You felt lighter than you had in a long time, the blooming warmth of your joy radiating from your heart out towards your limbs and extremities. After so many miserable nights and awkward days, the relief and thrill of knowing that feelings were requited on both sides was wonderful.

Neteyam pressed a chaste kiss to your lips and he declared, “I want to court you, openly. I want every man and woman in this clan to know that you and I are seeing each other. No one else, no more shack visits with Lo’ak.”

You couldn’t help the beaming grin that danced across your cheeks, and you chased his lips with your own as you spoke, “Yes, I accept, and it wasn’t Lo’ak that I came to the shack for.”

You felt Neteyam’s strong arms embrace you again while his lips and tongue danced passionately with yours. When you felt his large hands move to your upper thighs to hoist you against him, you instinctively twined your legs around his slender waist, locking your ankles behind him. He manoeuvred both of you into his alcove, messily pulling the cloth drapes at its entrance closed to cocoon you both in the privacy of the space.

Lowering you gently onto the softness of his bed, you moaned quietly with delight at how everything smelled of him. The heavy weight of him settled beside you and he stretched out alongside the length of your body. You both turned to lie on your sides, facing each other. It was darker in the alcove with no lamps lit in the space, the only source of light being the glow of the main fire behind the draping cloths at the alcove entrance. But Na’vi eyes acclimatised quickly and soon you could clearly make out the contours of Neteyam’s handsome face.

Your eyes trailed his form slowly from head to toe, following the vividly glimmering constellations of his tanhì (bioluminescent freckles) on his face, down his chest, abdomen and his legs. You were unhurried as you drunk in the sight of him and he appeared to be doing the same, his eyes performing a similar trek over your own body. Eywa, he was so gorgeous… His body was just perfect, every defined muscle encased in warm, smooth skin that smelled of masculine virility.

You reached out to trail your fingers over his ribs and his toned abdominals, relishing the shudder you earned from him as your fingertips traced the sensitive skin of his hip.

One of his hands stroked across your cheek and he leaned in to kiss you gently, whispering a beloved declaration against your lips, “I love you.”

Your lips stretched wide and he felt your smile against him, “I love you too.”

“Shall I show you just how much?” Neteyam’s voice was a mischievous rasp.

You tittered and sighed desirously, “Yes, make love to me, you stubborn man.”

A dark chuckle from him, “You’re going to have to be quiet here though. Think you can do that?”

You nodded soundlessly, eagerly reaching to undo the ties of your chest covering and flinging it aside to bare your breasts to him. Neteyam’s groan was almost inaudible, but you felt the rumbling growl of it with how close you were to him. His hands were immediately on your breasts, the heat of his palms searing against your soft mounds. He kneaded your breasts, thumbs stroking sensually over your incredibly sensitive nipples that hardened under his attentions. The sensation made liquid heat pool between your thighs.

Your hands made quick work of your loincloth and the fabric was flung to join your top. You felt one of his hands snake around your hip to pull you closer to him, front to front, and when his legs tangled with yours you noticed he was bare against you too, devoid of his own loincloth. You smoothed a hand over his strapping chest, fingertips testing the hard muscle there before your hand meandered towards his neck and you clutched his head towards yours.

You kissed him languidly, tasting him and smelling him, marvelling that you could love him now, truly. No more pretending. No more holding back. After so long without his lips against yours, you could quite honestly say that if the pair of you did nothing but kiss all night, you’d still wake up satisfied.

Neteyam pulled back from the kiss then and you whimpered in complaint, but he hushed you with a thumb against your lips. He murmured to you, “Shh, I love you here,” He pressed a kiss to your forehead, “Here,” A kiss to each of your eyes, “Here,” A kiss on your nose… And on he continued downward, your shoulders, a suckling kiss to each nipple, over your heart, your navel…

You lost count after that, just getting lost in the amorous bliss of his lips paying worship to every inch of your bare skin down to your toes. He didn’t disappoint though and when he parted your thighs to settle himself between your legs, and licked a full stripe from your pussy up to your clit, you jerked with a stifled cry.

“I love you especially here.” Neteyam growled. His mouth got to work, licking and suckling at your soon throbbing core while you watched him through hooded eyes.

His golden eyes locked with yours and the intensity of his gaze made your pussy clench, pouring with slick. Your fingers played absently with his beaded braids while your hips rocked against the moist paradise of his mouth. Your eyes could barely stay open as you enjoyed the building pleasure.

Something slid down one of your thighs then and you cracked open an eyelid just in time to see Neteyam trail the thick braid of his kuru (neural queue) over your hip towards you. It was a very intimate thing, to touch another’s kuru. The intimacy of the action was surpassed only by the making of tsaheylu between two people, but Neteyam’s invitation to you to touch his was clear.

Slowly, you reached for the meticulously braided length with one hand, gently running your fingers over the smooth hair around it. Neteyam let out a small sigh that puffed against your core and he closed his eyes, enjoying your caress. You trailed your hand closer towards the end of his queue where you knew the delicate pink tendrils of it were housed. Tenderly, your fingers delved past the ends of the hair around the sheath and a sharp jolt of pleasure raced through you as the tendrils enveloped your fingers.

Neteyam whimpered, his lips and tongue ceasing their work momentarily as pleasure shot down his queue and straight to his stiff cock which gave an excited spurt of pre-cum. It was new sensation to him and a thoroughly erotic one. He couldn’t describe it, but as your fingers played with the tendrils, it was almost as if he could feel your fingers touching him at every single erogenous zone simultaneously. He resumed his feasting of your core, tongue lapping at your slick folds that only seemed to moisten further with each lap of his tongue.

His name was a whispered sigh on your lips as your clit pulsated and your inner walls squeezed. The addition of a couple of his fingers came next and he sealed his lips over your nub to suck intently at it. The tendrils of his kuru fizzled pleasantly in and around your fingers. You didn’t know what made you do it, instinct perhaps, but you brought it up towards one of your breasts then, letting the squirming tendrils attach and wrap themselves around your areola and nipple.

The pleasure was instantaneous and Neteyam’s groan against your flesh told you he felt it too. A wave of ecstasy flushed through you from your nipples to your core, throwing you into the inescapable clutches of an orgasm. Mindful of your surroundings, your mouth formed a silent ‘o’ and your fingers twisted in his hair while you writhed in bliss. Neteyam’s hand gripped onto the flesh of your hips, keeping you still enough so he could continue to drink from your core.

Your desire burned feverishly within you despite the shattering climax you’d just experienced and you were impatient to have more of him against you. Tugging at his braids to get his attention, Neteyam lifted his face, licking his lips while his cheeks glistened with the evidence of your arousal. His expression was almost feral as he crawled up your body on all fours, and you spied his straining erection, watching it bob as he made his way up to you.

You shot him a slow smile as he settled himself alongside you again and the mess on his face didn’t deter you from kissing him. You murmured, “Thank you.”

“I’m enchanted by you, paskalin. I’ll do anything you ask for as long as I live.”

A hot blush stained your cheeks at his romantic words and you didn’t know whether to kiss him again or hide your face. You saw him look at the end of his kuru where it remained attached to your breast and you urged him, “Leave it. This might sound strange, but it’s as though I can feel you better. And it feels good.”

Neteyam smirked at you and nodded in agreement, “What would you like now? I’m impatient to have you though.”

His shifted his hips, his drooling erection slipping against your lower belly. You chortled softly at him and you took pity on his aching flesh, reaching down with a hand to greet his cock with a familiar stroke. A loud grunt left Neteyam and you hushed him, ears twitching and listening to the surroundings of the shelter. No one had returned yet, you were quite sure, the both of you would’ve heard them. Though it paid to be cautious.

Getting caught in a compromising position with the olo’eyktan’s son in the olo’eyktan’s home was not a misdemeanour you wanted against your record.

You continued your teasing stroke and squeeze of his cock, revelling in the sound of Neteyam’s strained panting by your ear. You paused by the swollen tip, running your thumb back and forth over his frenulum, which drew a very vulgar curse from him. His free hand was stimulating your other nipple while the tendrils of his kuru undulated over your other. The stimulation made your pussy ache and your clit throb longingly and you rubbed your thighs together to try and ease the pressure.

“Let me help you with that. You know I can fill you up so good.” Neteyam purred, thrusting his hips so his cock slipped faster in the grasp of your hand as if to press his point.

You smirked at him and licked sensuously over his parted lips with your tongue, “No, I think I’ll tease you a bit more for being so mean to me earlier. Besides, I want to try something.”

Your introduction to Neteyam’s neural queue made you eager to return the favour. Reaching behind you with your other hand, you brought your kuru over your shoulder and carefully held its end out between you, the twisting pink tendrils greeting Neteyam with their rippling dance. Already breathing heavily from the pleasure you were giving his cock, he lifted his hand to meet your tendrils, and both of you gasped as they twined around his fingers.

The sensation was unlike anything you’d ever experienced. Heat flushed over your skin and you prickled everywhere that you were sensitive; your nipples hardened and your pussy gushed with more slick. An unbidden erotic image came to you of your kuru’s tendrils wrapped around Neteyam’s cock and you shivered with delight at the thought.

Gently pulling your kuru from Neteyam’s fingers, you gradually inched it down towards his midsection, wanting to make the image your brain had supplied a reality. You watched him for any sign of discomfort or uncertainty, but his pupils were blown so wide with arousal you could hardly see the gold of his irises, and he looked on with as much eager anticipation as you did. Releasing his cock where you held it in your right hand, you brought left hand with your kuru towards it. The tendrils eagerly wrapped around their new target, coiling around the head and upper shaft.

You felt Neteyam’s body lurch at the same time that a wave of immense gratification shot through your neural queue to your own core.

“Fuck, Neyomi.” Neteyam keened and you saw his cock pulse, emitting a viscous string of pre-cum. It continued to throb and you swore your clit was throbbing in time with it.

Neteyam groaned aloud again, evidently struggling to keep to his own rule of being quiet. You rolled onto you back, pulling him atop you and silencing him with a deep kiss. You drowned in the moist heat of his mouth, lips and tongues waltzing in-between the twist and turn of your heads. He was rocking his hips against yours, his cock trapped between your bodies while your kuru still remained coiled around his sensitive flesh.

He broke away from the kiss with a sharp hiss of pleasure, “Wiya (damn), I’m going to cum like this if I can’t have you soon.”

“Yeah? Does that feel good?”

“Too good. Please, I need you.” Neteyam pleaded with a whimper, and he continued to ramble, “I know you must be aching for me. Let me make you squirt on my cock. You must have missed that right? All those weeks you didn’t come to the shack.”

You paused. It was true, you had missed him and missed his body, but you’d technically managed to squirt too with the dildo you’d poached from the shack…

When you didn’t answer, Neteyam stilled in his movements and he turned questioning eyes at you, “What is it?”

You bit your lip sheepishly, wondering if you should fib your way out of the situation or tell him the truth and make him feel a little less special. You didn’t want to start your new relationship off with a lie, so you resolved to be truthful, “I did manage to squirt whilst I wasn’t with you.”

His eyes widened and he looked rather taken aback.

“N-Not with someone else!” You quickly amended, “I pinched one of the toys from the shack a while ago when you and Lo’ak weren’t looking. It ah- It does the trick.”

Neteyam’s face suddenly morphed into a very smug smile and he leaned down to nibble at the point of your ear while he drawled, “Oh the dildo. We wondered where it had gone. Did you enjoy it, you little snitch?”

You shivered against him and rubbed your cheek against his, “Yeah, so your cock’s not the only one that can make me squirt. Sorry.”

Neteyam’s answering chuckle was deep and self-assured, “Don’t be. I’m not sorry about that.”

Confusion coloured your face and you pulled your head back to look at him, “You’re not?”

Neteyam’s expression was still incredibly conceited when he shook his head. He reached down and gently removed your kuru from his cock, keeping hold of it still though and letting its tendrils find purchase amongst his fingers instead. Sliding his knee between your thighs, he urged your to part your legs for him, which you did without hesitation. Balancing over you on his forearms, he settled his hips against yours and began a tantalising rub of his cock against your folds. You moaned with want and hooked your ankles behind his lower back.

“Why would I be upset about you squirting on that dildo,” He taunted huskily, “When that dildo was made from a mould of my cock?” His last words were punctuated with a sharp thrust of his hips, his long length penetrating you suddenly and fully to the hilt.

You threw your head back against the bedding with a guttural cry, uncaring at that moment if anyone heard you. Well that explained a lot about why that dildo had felt so good inside you… You didn’t have time to ponder on that thought. You clutched at Neteyam’s body, arms wrapped tight around his torso, your legs locked around his hips as he settled into a rhythm of rocking thrusts.

“You’re mine, paskalin.” Neteyam vowed and his lips found yours again in an all-consuming meld that set your heart and soul alight with elation.

You couldn’t get enough of him. He was all around you, over you, in you, and yet you still felt like you needed him to be closer. Your fronts were pressed to each other’s and your tails were twined; if you died like this you knew you would die the happiest you’d ever been. Your mouths remained fused, pausing only for short intakes of breath before finding each other again.

Neteyam’s thrusts were slow, but they were deep and you could feel every last ridge and outline of his cock inside you. The depth of his movements was delicious and the intense and pulsing throbs of your pelvic muscles signalled an impressive climax on the horizon for you.

Neteyam broke away from your kiss, tucking his face into the side of your neck to stifle his own reflexive moans of enjoyment. You knew he was close too from the shudder of his torso with each of his thrusts, and you could somehow feel his pleasure too, from his kuru at your breast and your kuru within his grasp.

Great Mother, you could only imagine how breathtaking it would feel when two people mated and made tsaheylu…

The winding spiral of pleasure twisted tighter and tighter in your lower belly, and your fingernails scored Neteyam’s back whilst you teetered on the brink of oblivion. You felt suspended in time, the only sounds you could hear were the pounding of your hearts and Neteyam’s harsh groans as he too hovered on the edge. He lifted his head and his gaze locked with your own, each of your pleasure-filled reflections mirrored in the dark pupils of each other’s eyes.

It was the only reflection you ever wanted to see in his eyes, your own face staring back at you. You never wanted to be without Neteyam again and as your heart shattered with the depth of your love for him, so did your core. Your climax swept through you like a tidal wave, your pussy clenching down and pulsing rhythmically as the wetness of your squirt gushed between your bodies. Your face twisted into what you hoped was a silent scream while the pleasure consumed you.

The squeeze and clench of your walls around his cock, as always, was nirvana for Neteyam. His entire frame tensed and went rigid, and he gritted his teeth hard to keep himself from shouting out his pleasure as he ejaculated. Your body milked him for every drop he had and your pussy continued to flutter around his swollen length pleasurably.

“Neteyam… Neteyam…” You whispered his name in a blissful chant and though your arms and legs shook from exertion, you kept them wrapped about him, not wanting to let him go. You mewled in complaint when he tried to roll his weight off you, so he deftly rolled you both so you could lie on top of him, still intimately joined.

Neteyam clasped you to him, on arm draped over your back while his other hand made soothing strokes over your hair. He could feel your breaths puffing gently into the crook of his neck where your cheek rested against his collarbone. His kuru and yourshad detached at some point and they trailed alongside your bodies, but it took nothing away from the intimacy you were both still wrapped up in.

“By Eywa, you’re it for me, you know that?” Neteyam affirmed with a hoarse chuckle, “Without a doubt. I’ll never look at another woman again.”

Your heart soared at his words and you knew, if you could see yourself, that your tanhì would be glowing bright with your immeasurable joy and contentment, “I guess we’re both ruined for each other then.”

“Will you be mine, formally? Will you accept this offer of betrothal?”

You gasped softly at his request. Your heart screamed your answer, affirmative without any hesitation, but the cogs in your mind began to turn. His betrothal request was unexpected. You’d agreed earlier to be courted openly by him, but a betrothal was serious. It was an engagement to be mated for life and while your heart danced for joy, your conscience questioned, not his fit for you as a mate, but your fit for him as mate to the olo’eyktan.

“Neyomi?” Neteyam queried quietly at your silence. His apprehension was clear in his tone.

You raised your head to regard him, blinking wide eyes at him, “I want to accept, but what if I turn out to be wrong for you? What if I’m not fit to stand by your side as wife to the olo’eyktan?”

He laughed at you then, relief sweeping over his face when he realised why you were hesitating, “You stand by my side every day already, paskalin. You’re my second-in-command and you’ve partnered with me, challenged me where I needed to be, and supported me for years. You already hold the position without the formal title.”

Tears sprang to your eyes as your emotions began to gain the upper hand. You murmured wetly, “You really want me like that? Forever?”

Neteyam craned his head upward to brush his lips against yours, “I want you every way that I can have you. As my second-in-command, my wife, mother of my children…”

His words trailed off, interrupted by you as you pulled him against you to claim his lips in another searing kiss, “Yes! I accept.”

There was commotion then in the main space of the family’s shelter. Hushed whispers and soft chatter sounded, indicating the return home of the other Sullys.

A very loud and contrived coughing fit sounded from Lo’ak, who cleared his throat dramatically several times, apologising repeatedly for his noisy fuss. You and Neteyam grinned at each other in the darkness, chortling to yourselves, knowing full well that Lo’ak was wanting to ensure the both of you knew that you were no longer alone.

You settled your head against Neteyam’s chest again, closing drowsy eyes and basking in the afterglow.

Neteyam murmured a bedtime prayer and pressed a tender kiss to your forehead, “Sleep, my love and I’ll rise to kiss you again in the morning.”

***~~~***

You were awoken by the sound of soft knocking against wood and a feminine voice calling out gently.

Neteyam stirred beneath you, his shoulder shifting beneath your cheek. You’d slept pressed against each other the entire night and were it not for the corporeality of the situation currently, you would’ve sworn it was all just a wonderful dream.

More knocking sounded and you were grateful to see the cloth drapes at the alcove entrance remained shut. Neither of you was decent yet.

The feminine voice called again and you recognised it to be Kiri’s, “Good morning, you two. The day has long begun.”

Part of you sighed in relief. Better Kiri than Neytiri. Great Mother, you didn’t want to face Neteyam’s mother right now after a sensual night with him, under their roof…

Neteyam’s smile was debonair and he blinked sleepy eyes at you. You squinted back at him, the harsh daylight outside obvious even in the confines of the shelter. You startled with a gasp. Daylight! By Eywa, what was the time?!

Scrambling for your clothing, you smacked Neteyam’s thigh, “Neteyam! The hunters! We’ve got patrol this morning!”

Kiri’s laughter sounded like a charming peal of shell chimes from behind the drapes, “Mm yes, I daresay it caused quite the stir when both the commander of the warriors and his second-in-command didn’t turn up for work today.”

A long and grumbled curse hissed out from Neteyam as he pressed the fingers of one hand into his eyes.

Kiri was quick to chastise, clucking her tongue in reprimand, “Language, brother. Besides, there’s no need to fret. Dad and Lo’ak stepped in to lead today’s patrol. There isn’t any urgency for you.”

Dressing quickly nonetheless, you shared a chaste kiss with Neteyam before he drew back the alcove drapes. Kiri stood with her arms folded, looking mighty amused as her eyes flitted sagaciously between the pair of you.

Kiri’s shrewd eyes took in your form, trailing you from head to toe again, but there was a teasing glint in them when she spoke, “That was some apology you had for my brother.”

Flushing a deep shade of violet, you greeted the young woman meekly, “Good morning, Kiri.”

“Where’s Mum?” Neteyam asked, glancing around the empty shelter with nervous eyes. He threaded his fingers through yours to hold your hand. His mother wouldn’t have been pleased by what the both of you had done. Yes, you were both grown adults and intimacy was not frowned upon amongst the people, but there was a certain respect that one had to have for their parents’ home.

Kiri giggled again with a polite hand over her mouth, “She’s out. She left early this morning to help Grandmother gather some herbs.” She snorted when she saw Neteyam visibly relax, and she couldn’t help but take another jab at him, amused by his discomfiture, “Oh don’t worry, Mum definitely wanted to throw you both out earlier this morning, but I think the Great Mother had something to say about that.”

You frowned, not understanding Kiri’s meaning. Neteyam’s ears too pricked in curious interest and he cocked a questioning head at his sister, “What do you mean?”

Kiri padded to the main archway of the family shelter and she pulled one half of the entry cloths aside, motioning with her head for both of you to step outside, “Come see for yourself.”

Following along a little behind Neteyam, the warmth of daylight greeted your skin as you both stepped out into the open. You heard Neteyam suck in a breath and halt in his steps. Blinking against the intense daylight, your eyes took a few moments to acclimatise. However, when they finally did and you took in the spectacle before you, you gave a loud gasp of surprise.

All around the Sullys’ family shelter, littering the ground and hovering about the structure, were dozens of atokirina (seeds of the sacred tree). The feathery seeds undulated about the place, sprinkling the shelter in a dusting of blessed white.

Kiri stepped out after the both of you, grinning, “Evidently Eywa thought all was right with the world.”

You felt Neteyam pull you to his side and he nuzzled your cheek tenderly. Your answering smile was bright and you placed a shy kiss on his shoulder.

“Do I need to tell Grandmother to make another formal announcement?” Kiri asked, smirking at the tender display of affection between you.

Neteyam’s beamed at his sister and his response was full of affectionate confidence, “Yes. Neyomi and I are both spoken for. We’re betrothed.”

And all was right with the world indeed…

Epilogue - Silwey's Reaction HERE

***~~~***

Author's Note: The end! THANK YOU again to all of you wonderful folks for your awesome support. I absolutely love interacting with everyone and it's because of you that this series became a reality. It was only ever meant to be a oneshot! I hope that you've relished Neteyam & Neyomi's (reader) journey to love. Let me know your thoughts, scream to me in the comments! Reblogs, likes & comments are always very appreciated. 😘

Tag list: @teymars @eyweveng @leaveitbythewave @luvteyams @akiras-key @bajbr @qcswrites @reggiesslut @neteluvr @savvysscandles @dasaniix @emery-333 @vintaqestar @live-laugh-neteyam @itssomeonereading @strawberry-vamp0 @delacruzyari @bluecooki3 @aalex561-blog @frustrated-kitten @innercreationflower @wolf12thsworld @wheneclipsefalls @iameatingmyhair  @ele-sme @investedreader @oasiswithmyg @daeneeryss @pandorxxx @anonka01 @hunbomb @pandoraslxna @adrianarose7 @sunghoonmyluv @notnat02 @getthisoverwith33 @simp4myself @spicymayyo @animehoe1-800 @daddysmurfslefttoenail @iman-lu @creepytoes88 @flyingspacewhale @neteyamswifesworld @lostress101 @nilsavatar @cloudyw1ndzz @itsjazzsworld @solemnlover @asweetblueberry2 @blue-slxt

#neteyam smut #lo'ak smut #neteyam x reader #lo'ak x reader #atwow neteyam #neteyam #avatar james cameron #neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan #lo'ak x y/n #neteyam x y/n #avatar twow #avatar neteyam #avatar movie #atwow #lo'ak sully #neteyam sully #atwow smut #atwow fanfiction #avatar way of water #avatar the way of water #neteyam fanfiction #lo'ak fanfiction

[drdemonprince]

could you tell us about your experience with mushrooms? I've tried it many times, and I feel like it hasn't changed anything for me (though i had no expectations), but maybe i was "doing it wrong"

I posted about it a couple weeks back, so you can scroll thru for that, but it didn't do much for me. I felt high like I was on weed, I danced in a warehouse for a while, which was as pleasant as it always is substances or no, I went outside and the grass and leaves were shimmering, my friend drove me in their car and we listened to Bjork and it was very pretty and moving to watch the sunlight glisten on the skyscrapers and the lake, I felt a sense of peace and certainty in living here being an immense gift that I should cement by establishing more permanent roots here, housing wise, and then we went to the beach to watch a drag show and i drank a bubble tea and felt relaxed and good. later in the evening, mostly sober watching children's dog movies of the 90s like All Dogs Go to Heaven, I got kind of emotional. but nothing beyond my normal range of possible feeling. i was depressed the next day, sad like a forlorn child in a manageable way. i was irritable and pissy the next few days, desperately craving my own space and quiet, which used to happen a few years ago when i was in a worse living situation and place in my life. it felt like backsliding. i was annoyed that i felt that way. it stayed like that for a few days. now a couple weeks later im basically the same, but a little more resolute about some changes that i want to make. i feel like a serious adult man. if anything it just got me to where i was mentally heading a little bit faster.

sometimes the shrooms have something to teach you, my friend blair says, and sometimes they don't. while i was high in the car listening to bjork, i turned inward and asked the mushrooms, "hey guys, whats going on? what do i need to know, if anything?" and they said to me (im speaking metaphorically here) "you already know exactly what is going on in your life. you know what you're good at and what you want, and you know what has been persistently making you upset. youve made certain decisions about how to navigate the difficult things in your life, and you have an accurate gauge of what the costs of that are. not much else to say. you know what's going on." and i was like "bet." i didn't hallucinate, i had no big revelations, and i probably wouldnt do it again for a very long time because the come down sucked for me.

people overhype what substances can do for you, a lot of the time. it's just a tool. it can be fun. it can give you diarrhea. it can make you cry, and maybe that's good. it's not a solution to your problems it's just another problem but some problems are worth it in your own risk cost calculus etc.

and i find that many autistic people just aren't all that impacted by substances like allistics are. we're so reflexive at masking that our impulse may be to maintain composure and level headedness at all times. i was pretty sober after anesthesia too. i often wish that substances would give me some grand feeling of release, but once the drug hits my system all i want is to remain in control, as i always do. there's an infamous story about a guy who the CIA tested acid tabs on, who didn't hallucinate or act funny after like 30 consecutive doses. he just seemed normal. it turned out he was at baseline absolutely consumed with debilitating anxiety. so being super fucking high just gave him something to direct his hyperanalytical system's attention to. i hope someone reading this will remember this account and provide a link, im not being super precise. but. there's something about that experience that i relate to. ive never been out of control on any substance. i always seem pretty lucid, maybe a little sillier or more tired but even those things feel like a choice.

[a-hobit]

Using my tumblr account as a vent space once again!

So for reasons unspecified I’m an adult still living with my parents and grandmother. I’m almost 21 and I’ve lived in a shoebox apartment with my mom (and now stepdad and old lady) for as long as I can remember. I used to live in a house but really I don’t remember it. The fact we were pretty tight with cash didn’t really bother me growing up but as a full adult now with my own money it feels so unfairly good to spend it on the things I want. I try to spoil my mother whenever I can but she’s pretty hard to buy for. She gave up literally everything for me and my sister. She gave up everything she loved to take us away from my biological dad. I have always known that the life she has is not the one she wanted for me, my sister, or herself. She wanted a home she was proud to go back to and that her children could grow up in. She wanted to host family gatherings and have me and my sister invite guests over. She wanted to grow a seed in the backyard and watch It grow into a tree like she watched her children grow.

It really has always killed me to know that while I may not mind where we are it hurts her deeply that I do not remember that house. That I do not remember a complete family or a simple life. And that as much as she gave up for us it still wasn’t enough. I wonder how many people can say that they understand my mother — she always had friends with simple easy lives that she couldn’t seem to cry to and so she held in that grief of a broken family and that lost life by herself for as long as we’ve lived here.

Now like a gift from the greatest tragedy my mother has that opportunity to buy that home. Not the original one, not that one but a different home. Something she’s proud of. I see how stressed it makes her to have this thing she’s wanted. How she’s having such a hard time choosing.

I am definitely making this harder on her. I know that. I do have my own opinions about where I’d like to live and I’ve always kind of dreamed what that first house might look like when we got the money. Upstairs or downstairs? Dibs on which room? Where would you like your bed? Can you please mow the lawn today sweetie? Have you unpacked everything yet? Will you park the cars in the garage — I think there’s hail coming. Will you take the trash? Will you tend the garden? Will you take the dog out? Can you come home soon? How late will you be?

Do you want to see how big you’ve grown? I can mark it on the wall.

I know some of that already happened. Not the exact same but it happened. I guess maybe ive been idolizing that life in my head so much it’s strange that I now get to watch it play out…but it isn’t really how I wanted it either right?

I’m not a child anymore.

Im not going to live in this house for more than a year — maybe some months in between out of college? This is not going to be my home like it is theirs. Im not part of this like I dreamed about.

And isn’t it true? Why would it ever matter what I thought when I didn’t have to look at it for more than a year or two? Why come along to house showings? Why be nervous about my mom loving a house I hate so deeply because I can’t see myself there with her? Why voice that complaint?

Why say anything at all?

Why worry? If she loves it? If it’s her dream and it just doesn’t include you for long? You should just keep your mouth shut because of how much you’re hurting her how much you know it’s painful to hear you be excited about a house that isn’t even going to be yours — she knows she knows it.

Now you know it.

But GOD it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad. It’s so hard to know now. The reality is so painful you’d rather just stay here. And isn’t that awful? Aren’t you just awful to wish for your loving mother to stay here and rot with you because you can’t handle her being happy without you?

But it feels like rotting already.

#ahobit rant

[b-ritney]

ECSTASY

I love a good sober love sesh (not that id know ive never done it) but I’ve been toying with the idea of Eddie suggesting you guys try taking ecstasy before sex he wants you to feel the heightened sensations but you worry something might go wrong so he offers to stay sober while you trip so he can help you if something goes wrong. This is between two consenting adults in an established relationship. (I in no way encourage this behavior, you should never leave yourself at the mercy of someone else no matter how well you know them. Stay safe out there lovelies.)

This is inspired by 2 other fics, one was taking ecstasy with Axl Rose which is on Wattpad, and another one with Eddie on this platform which I will put link here, https://at.tumblr.com/ohcaptains/take-the-edge-off/5s275rhehnp9. It's called "Take The Edge Off" If you like my fic, you'll like theirs better guaranteed, it's AMAZING.

Warnings: drug use, spit, fingering, slight choking, slight spanking, P in V, sub naïve reader, experienced Eddie, mentions of anxiety.

Side note: (I will NEVER EVER sexualize being taken advantage of, my characters will always be informed and consciously aware of what to expect in encounters like this.)

Summary: I- I got nothing it’s fucking Monday and I’m out here writing filth like I don’t have 2 exams this week.

#############################################

After a long week at school, there is nothing you wanted more than for your boyfriend to ravage you and work out all of your aggression with his own, but instead, you and Eddie took a drive after school, just to feel the fresh fall breeze; he knows how much it calms your anxiety. Once you got to his trailer Wayne had already left for the night, leaving you to yourselves for the evening. You threw down your bag and huffed as the pressure released from your shoulders; " I swear that thing gets heavier every day." you say rubbing your neck. Eddie wraps his arms around your waist from behind and rests his head on your shoulder; " I'm sure it does considering you have my homework in there too!" He laughs kissing you on the cheek. You giggle as his hair tickles you, he begins poking your sides making you double over in laughter. "Ahhh Eddie!!" You shriek, you sprint down the hallway, shamefully realizing you've cornered yourself in his room.

He tackled you onto his bed, careful not to crush you with his full body weight. "UNCLE UNCLE!" you yell.

"I don't think so." he laughs pinning your arms above your head. The mood shifts a little and you can't help but feel this is a little cliche but kind of sexy. He must feel it too because he kisses you.

"I love you." he says against your lips.

"I love you too, Eddie."

He lays off to your side on one elbow tracing your body with his eyes; "What's up babe?" His eyes snap up to meet yours.

" I've just been thinking about trying something with you but I wasn't sure if you'd be cool with it." You sit up and he follows.

"Oh, well, I'm all ears, this is always interesting." you snickered.

" I'm serious babe," he said tucking your hair behind your ear, "a while back I tried taking ecstasy while I was umm.. thinking about you; and it made me wonder if you'd want to try it while we were uh well you know." You tilt your head, "

"I'm lost."

"I want to get high and fuck you." his crass words made you swallow.

"Uhh I mean, if you've done it before then I'm ok with it."

He smiled, " Are you sure? I know the drugs throw you off sometimes."

"Wha- what are the effects?" you inquired, Eddie could sense your apprehensiveness and pulled your back flush with his chest against the headboard, stroking up and down your sides, his breath warm against your neck.

"You'll take less than half of a pill, and it will make you all warm and fuzzy, and everything will feel... more."

"More?"

"Yeah, every touch, every kiss, every word even, will feel amplified by like 50 times."

"That doesn't sound too scary." you say nuzzling into his chest.

"I want to make sure you're sure, because with your anxiety it may twist differently than it does with me."

"Well, what if something goes wrong? How can we fix it if both of us are loaded?"

"How about this, since I've already done it a few times, why don't you take it and I'll stay grounded just in case."

"You'll miss out though?

"Don't worry about me sweetheart, if it goes well we can try again."

"Ok."

"You're one hundred percent sure?"

"YES! Eddie come on, please just do something," you say turning over in his lap, straddling him.

"Relax baby, you've gotta take the magic meds." He reached over to his bedside table and with one hand opened the drawer, pulling out a small baggie labeled MDMA he reached inside and pulled out a fourth of a single pill; setting the bag on the table. "You ready?"

You nodded excitedly, he looked you in the eyes, raising the drug to his mouth and placing it on his tongue. He laced his hand around the back of your neck bringing you to meet his lips. Pushing the sliver of Ecstasy in your mouth with a deep and slow french kiss.

You involuntarily rocked your hips into his, the anticipation for what was to come made your heart race.

"Slow down," he snickered while he sucked bruises into the soft flesh of your neck, "give it a few minutes to kick in."

You held each other for what felt like hours, slowly undressing until you were both down to your underwear. Eddie worshiped you, kissing every inch of skin he could reach, extending your arms to peck from your fingertips to your shoulders. Holding your ankle to kiss from the top of your foot all the way to your hips. When he got to your belly you started to giggle uncontrollably. When Eddie looked up you were staring at the ceiling laughing at nothing. He crawled above you to hover over your face. "Sweetheart, you still with me?," he tilted his head laughing himself at your giddiness.

"Depends, what plane of existence are you on?"

"Leave it to you to ask existential questions when you're fucked up." he laughed leaning down to capture your lips again.

"Eddie please don't stop,... every time you touch me it feels electric."

"I'm copyrighting that as a song lyric," he said while he picked up again at your panty line.

"You better give me credit"

"Princess, the song will be about you." he said through gritted teeth as he pulled the waistband of your underwear, making you jump when it snapped back into place.

"Eddiiiie" you whined, "please do something I need you."

"Now that it's in your system you've gotta remember to use your words in case it gets to be too much, understand."

You nod. He pops your thigh lightly.

"What did I just say?"

"To use my words."

"Good girl." He stands above you, wrapping his hands behind your knees to violently yank you forward to the edge of the bed. He slowly pulled your blue lace panties down your legs. You felt every trace of the fabric moving across your skin, brushing the fine invisible hairs covering your body as if you were running your hand through blades of grass. The feeling made goosebumps in their wake causing you to shiver with eagerness. Eddie tossed the garment, and bent your knees together up to your chest, leaning forward to place gentle kisses on each of them, "you still doin' ok?"

"Y-yes," you let out shakily, "I love you."

"I love you more."

He parted your legs, staying eye level with you, to try and relax your racing heart. "You're so beautiful." he kissed your nose.

He reached down and started rubbing tight circles on your clit, causing you to arch your chest into Eddie's from the overwhelming sensation.

"Ahhh E-Eddie"

"Shh I know, I know, just breathe."

The feeling was like nothing you have ever experienced, even the lightest touch made you see stars. He brought his hand back up to your mouth. "Open." he rested his middle and ring fingers on your bottom lip, he slid his fingers in as you swirled your tongue around them. He left them there a few seconds until he was satisfied, then put them back at your soaked core. Slowly he ran his digits up and down between your folds before pushing inside to his knuckles, muffling your elated moans with a searing kiss.

"More, please," you begged, "It feels so good."

"Needy little thing."

He started pumping them in and out all the way, rubbing your clit with his thumb. He had to get to the floor and hold your thigh to keep you from retreating. Without warning, he replaced his thumb with his lips, sucking harshly. You cried out, feeling tears prick your eyes. "Aww baby already?"

"Eddie please- please." He didn't respond he just laughed with his lips around your sensitive bud, the vibrations making you tremble. You feel like your fucking soul escaped you for a brief second. Every movement of his fingers felt incredible, an indescribable bliss. He withdrew them, much to your frustration, just to aggressively lap at you with his tongue, reaching up your body to expertly shove your bra up above your tits. With one hand he began kneading your right breast, twisting your nipple in between his fingers. You began grinding on his face. "God it feels so good." you whimpered shaking. Eddie could barely contain himself you were so adorably agitated, he needed to be inside of you. He stood up undoing his belt, "Why'd you stop?" You cried in a drawn-out whine.

"Aren't you ready for my cock?" you nodded again, Eddie only had to raise an eyebrow before you realized your mistake.

"Yes- Yes please."

"Atta girl," he reached into the same drawer and opened a small foil package, holding it in his teeth as he pulled his pants the rest of the way down, he rolled the condom down his shaft, dropping his head from the feeling. He looked up to realize you were covering your face, "You nervous?" he said peeling your arms from eyes.

"Yes"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No-No.. just please go slow."

"I'll be so gentle baby, I promise."

"Okay" you managed to whisper. Eddie ducked down and sucked on your nipples, giving proper attention to each one as you writhed underneath him. He kissed you on the lips one more time before going back down to spit on your pussy, the sound of it making you shudder with anticipation, licking his fingers he spread it thoroughly through your folds. Then he positioned himself at your entrance, running his cock up and down a few times. He rested his forehead against yours, keeping eye contact as he pushed in, deeper and deeper until his hips connected with yours. You tried to keep your eyes locked on his but it was just so much, you could feel every ridge every vein, every beat of his heart it was so intoxicating. You threw your head back in a silent scream, he picked up the pace slightly, burying his head in your neck, whispering praises.

"Eddieeee, fuckkk!, harder please- please." you wail. He happily complies, lifting one of your legs to rest on his hip, as he leaned forward resting his free hand on the mattress beside you. Driving deeper and deeper. The pressure in the pit of your stomach began to build quickly. "I- I'm so close," you whimper, reaching out to cup his face in a yearning kiss.

"Me too, can you hold it baby?"

You can't respond, the pleasure overcoming you, you forget your name, you forget everything except him and the way he feels. Your eyes are squeezed shut as you twist away from him. he keeps you in place with a light grip on your throat. Tears roll down your cheeks, Eddie kisses them away, "Come on pretty girl, cum for me."

It hit you like a FUCKING title wave. You felt frozen yet your body was convulsing, as Eddie's hips faltered, finishing in the condom. He fucked you through it, when your body stilled he pulled out, and threw out the rubber. "Don't go Eddie please, don't go." You cried curling into yourself, the intensity of your orgasm making your brain foggy.

"I'm right here sweetheart, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere." he brushed your sweaty hair away from your face. Rubbing your side, laying next to you. You wrapped around him, and he clung to you just as tight, rolling over, firmly rubbing up and down your back. "Let's get you showered and sobered up."

"How do you do that?" you asked tilting your head up to face him.

"Step one, we order pizza,"

"and step two?" you coax

"We cuddle for the rest of the night until you fall asleep safely in my arms." He smiled down at you. You giggled happily as you both stood walking hand in hand to the much-needed shower.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG this is honestly so refreshing from writing college essays... hope this holds you over until I finish the Billy fic. Stay freaky, B. <3

#eddie x reader #stranger things #eddie stranger things #rocknroll #smut #eddie munson #eddie x y/n #eddie my love #eddie munson oneshot #stranger things season 4 #st 4

[miitopias]

would also like ur thoughts on everything i will listen to u talk abt video games always LOL but 6 9 12 22 28!

thank uu and likewise 🫶🫶 will not answer everything bc thts so many but also i feel like ive covered a lot of these topics before on my sideblog but! i will answer these for u 🫰

6. A series you’ve enjoyed since your early days of gaming and still enjoy to this day whether it still has games coming out or is one you return to pokemon and rhythm heaven :') ❤️ from these series ive only played platinum and rhds as a kid, so as an adult ive been enjoying their other titles.. though i do not rly care for 3d pokemon titles.. but with time that may change. and wait technically final fantasy, bc i had the ff4 ds cartridge as a kid. except it was in japanese and i had no idea how to play it and did fuck all. i didnt even realize it was final fantasy until years later when i played ff7, and i recognized the running from battle animation. and now i have final fantasy brainrot <3

9. A game you played completely blind with no prior knowledge of and enjoyed/loved ff9 and ghost trick 😎 im so happy i played these without any spoilers or any idea what to expect, bc i really think thats the best way to experience them

12. A character you particularly like in the game you’re currently playing YRP girlies 😎😎😎 idk when ill ever finish x-2 cuz this ps3 is kinda busted, but despite their kinda cringe dialogue i still love yuna and the girlies

22. A game ending that’s really stuck with you FF9....... i think u saw my insanity firsthand when i did not shut up about it for like 8 months 😭 it really changed my life bc it was ff9 that really made me get more serious w literary analysis of games and medias in general, bc i just wanted to understand everything abt this story. majora's mask similarly changed my life and was the reason i made a sideblog to begin with, because i NEEDEDDD to be insane about this game somewhere.. god what an ending. god. ok im not going to go insane abt it rn LOL my focus is on Spider-Man now.

28. Pick a series you like. What was the first game you played for it? Was it a good starting point? Would it still be a good starting point now? i wont pick final fantasy bc my answer is literally the same as yours LOL so um... i will pick zelda. my first zelda game was botw and honestly that is an AWFUL starting point for getting into zelda JFKLJSDL bc its just so. fucking different from every zelda game out there. and also bc its a love letter to the franchise, that probably a million references flew over my head bc i didnt know what they were referencing. but yeah like its just absolutely awful to go from a game where you can freely jump to a game where you have to ROLL.

but at the same time i dont think botw is an awful starting point. bc like.... its a good game. its a good Modern game. like the older zelda games, especially the 3d titles, are extremely outdated. i dont think anyone should be playing those in this day and age when botw/totk is there to experience instead. while not ideal, i think its fine to hit it off with a modern switch title, then work your way down to older titles.

of course 2d zeldas are a different thing. dare i say, the superior thing. also i dont believe anyone should get into zelda. bad franchise. except when the games are good. all pondering aside the best starting point for zelda is ALBW, then MM3D. maybe some MINISH CAP as a treat. those are the only existing zelda titles. to me. but jokes aside if someone is really gonna have a 'starting point' for zelda games then its definitely BOTW/TOTK or ALBW. doesnt matter whether its a switch title or ALBW played first, but its very very very very important that ALBW is played as well.

[aftonfamilyvalues]

im on anon because im crypto but since i ever first started watching arcane and looked into his VA since i love silco and Saw how he acted online like wayyy too up and personal with the "fandom" but it pretty much consisted of young girls like me (22) or maybe even younger who were just so obsessed with him. I snapped out of it i had to remind myself and my friends he literally isnt silco and his voice can be done by literaly any man who can do a slight accent and sound old and dusty and ugly. anyway FUCK jason spisak.

i mostly just saw likes and nice little comments on and retweets of fan art which obviously isnt any red flag. i liked some of the video clips, i especially loved the drunk history of zaun. it was my favorite, he looked like a fun drunk but thats a bit ruined now, isnt it?

rip those reaction images, you did not age well.

nothing he posted was ever out of the ordinary to me either, upcoming conventions, signing stream dates, those stupid little positivity posts that your parents generation loves... apparently i missed all the silco x jinx stuff he liked though which is already gross but more disturbing that his young gf is a jinx cosplayer. certainly no connection there, right?

well, come to think of it, i do recall some obvious thirst trap selfies. specifically, i remember the one he posted on the floor and me being absolutely enamored with the beautiful hardwood. he was gunning hard for those "damn zaddy 🤩🤩🤩" comments. that probably should have been some sort of flag for me but i didnt mind. i know hes ugly but you... know me. unfortunately. i know, i know, im disappointed in me too. that hardwood floor though!

then there was the signing live stream clips ive seen where women ask for some slightly flirty things written, didnt really bother me. i admittedly enjoyed some of those lines so again, overlooked it, rationalized it. i only ever saw that sort of thing with silco and never any of the other characters he voices. i figured it was because arcane is for adults, i throw a caution flag to that but all in all everyone in the stream is an adult (or at least should be given the 18+ warning on the twitch channel) and as long as he didnt pull some bullshit outside of giving a customer what they want for a few bucks, it wasnt a huge concern. people do that all the time, gets them paid.

except, you know, it seems he did pull bullshit. so... rip! i have got to stop being so trusting that men behave like well adjusted individuals. silly me, i expect nothing and im always let down. lthe only guy i can think of who suddenly had a sizable fanbase dominated by young women and acted normally about it was bryan dechart but maybe im missing something there, who knows.

i heard mick wingert, the guy who voices heimerdinger (and unofficially, ghetsis in pokemon masters for context of the video this links to), does a very good silco impression!

anyway! thanks for coming to retrospective on jason spisak. whatever, look at this nice signed print i framed! *fucking shoots myself in the head*

#ask #jspisak

[pesterloglog]

Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert, Terezi Pyrope

Candy, page 17

ROSE: Vriska, don’t chew on your chair’s dinner tray.

KANAYA: Darling She Is Only A Grub She Hasnt Yet Grown Her Aural Canals

ROSE: Yes, but I believe strongly that we should get in the habit of speaking to her like an adult. It will be good for her social development.

KANAYA: Is That How Your Mother Raised You

ROSE: I would have loved it if my mother spoke more frankly with me. But she was...

ROSE: Let’s just say, a rather awkward person.

ROSE: Er. No offense, Roxy.

ROXY: lmao none taken

ROXY: i cant even imagine all the ways id fuck up a kid in a timeline where i didnt sort out my drinking tbh

ROSE: Oh, you weren’t awful.

ROSE: I just have...

ROSE: How do you always put it, dear?

KANAYA: A Penchant For Melodrama

ROXY: well yeah

ROXY: ur dad made sure he got some of himself in u

ROSE: I suppose he did.

ROXY: damn i still cant believe dirks gone tho

ROSE: Yes, it was so sudden.

ROSE: But the best we can do to honor him is simply to move on with our lives.

ROSE: I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted.

JOHN: huh?

KANAYA: Have You Two Thought About What To Name Your Grubs

ROXY: its just one grub lol

KANAYA: Oh Thats A Relief

KANAYA: Ive Actually Been Very Worried About Your Wellbeing Considering How Human Grubs Are Born

ROXY: errrr

ROXY: why

KANAYA: Well Dont They Have To Eat Their Way Out Of The Womb

ROSE: Kanaya...

KANAYA: Its What Karkat Told Me

ROSE: Karkat gets all his information on humanity from the movies. And Dave, which is even worse than the movies.

JOHN: wait a fucking minute.

JOHN: what MOVIES are they watching??

ROSE: Nothing too graphically misleading, I suspect.

ROSE: I equally suspect that any time there’s a human birthing moment on camera, Karkat probably turns away, too disgusted to watch, while Dave continues filling his ear with more lies about human biology.

JOHN: lol.

KANAYA: Then

KANAYA: I Was Given Inaccurate Information

ROSE: Yes.

KANAYA: Whew

ROSE: If that was true, how would our species have survived? We would have had a one hundred percent maternal mortality rate during childbirth.

KANAYA: Yes I Forgot How Primitive Medical Technology Was On Your Planet

KANAYA: Then How Are Humans Born

ROSE: Use your head for a moment, darling.

KANAYA: ...

KANAYA: ...

KANAYA: Oh I See

ROXY: lmao

JOHN: um.

ROSE: I’m sorry, John. All this girl talk must be making you uncomfortable.

JOHN: can we change the subject to something less gross and weird?

ROXY: pff

ROXY: wuss

JOHN: so...

JOHN: is vriska really the name you’re going with?

KANAYA: Yes Of Course

ROSE: Why would we change her name when she’s nearly a year old?

JOHN: well it’s not like it would hurt or anything. didn’t kanaya just say she doesn’t have ears yet?

ROXY: omg john dont be rude

JOHN: i’m not trying to be rude!

JOHN: i just think it’s a little... weird.

KANAYA: I Dont See Why I Mean She Is Practically A Clone Of Vriska

JOHN: uh, yeah kanaya, i know.

JOHN: that’s why it’s weird!

ROSE: I appreciate your concern, John. But it’s not that weird to name a child after an important figure from your youth.

ROSE: What were you thinking of naming your own child?

JOHN: um...

ROXY: harry anderson egbert

JOHN: roxy! we hadn’t...

JOHN: i mean, i didn’t think we were decided on that.

ROXY: i dunno you seemed p set on it

ROSE: Wasn’t that the guy from Night Court?

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: which was...

ROSE: A show that reminds you of your father.

JOHN: ...

ROSE: I think that in this new world we’ve created, it’s important to carry the torch of what we’ve left behind us.

ROSE: We must name the next generation for the fallen heroes that we admire.

JOHN: wait. we ADMIRE vriska now?

ROSE: It’s true that Vriska was a controversial figure even at the best of times, but...

ROSE: She did defeat Lord English, John.

JOHN: no she... didn’t?

JOHN: vriska didn’t defeat lord english.

JOHN: rose, no one knows what happened to lord english.

ROSE: Of course we do. Vriska used the juju and her accompanying ghost army to defeat him.

ROSE: Why else would we be here?

JOHN: i don’t think that’s what actually happened though!

KANAYA: Then What Did Happen John

JOHN: i... i JUST said!

JOHN: no one knows!

JOHN: rose, come on... you’re the one who told me all this!

ROSE: I told you what?

JOHN: about a year ago. you were feeling bad, and asked me to come over.

JOHN: and then you gave me this big speech about canon, and being like, OUTSIDE canon, and NOT canon, and other shit like timelines, and fate and...

JOHN: and my anime dreams!

ROSE: That’s all in the past, John.

ROSE: Everything worked out in the end.

ROSE: Why are you getting so upset about this?

JOHN: you gave me a list of instructions and told me that i had to use my retcon powers to go back to a very specific point in time to defeat lord english when he was still just a kid.

JOHN: and you told me that i HAD to do this to... to validate the sequence of reality?

JOHN: but i didn’t.

JOHN: i was all ready to go. i... i thought i was going to die, honestly.

JOHN: but then YOU...

JOHN: roxy, you and calliope told me that i had a choice!

JOHN: and i MADE my choice, which is why i ended up staying.

JOHN: but did it really all “work out in the end”?

JOHN: if i didn’t stop lord english, then... then...

JOHN: are we even really here at all???

ROXY: u doin ok there babe

JOHN: i’m fine!

JOHN: i just... need some fresh air.

ROXY: want me to come with u

JOHN: no!

JOHN: i... i mean, no. i need a moment alone.

JOHN: i think i’m just getting those um, you know...

JOHN: new dad jitters!

JOHN: haha, that must be it.

ROXY: oh of course that makes sense

ROXY: take care of urself hon

JOHN: terezi. i know that you’ve got important stuff to do out there in paradox space, but i really need to hear from you.

JOHN: on my side it’s been months since we’ve last talked, and i can’t figure out if it’s because i said something wrong, or...

JOHN: if it’s because something terrible happened to you.

JOHN: things here on earth are...

JOHN: they’re not great.

JOHN: i mean, on the surface everything is fantastic! everyone’s so happy and it finally seems like we’re all making real progress as adults.

JOHN: but at the same time...

JOHN: everyone is also acting crazy!

JOHN: i feel like i’m the only sane person left in this entire universe.

JOHN: i’m the only one who seems to... care about anything?

JOHN: i mean, care about anything... BIGGER.

JOHN: bigger than like, what to name a baby, or who’s stuck in a terrible relationship with who.

JOHN: oh my god, this probably sounds so pathetic.

JOHN: terezi, i’m seriously pathetic.

JOHN: it’s so selfish of me to even be messaging you at all.

JOHN: i’ve got a beautiful wife who loves me, but it’s not enough. i can’t even talk to her about what we’re going to name our stupid kid without it turning into some weird thing where she just goes along with whatever i want.

JOHN: even when all i want is for her to want something different than what i want!!!

JOHN: ...

JOHN: ok, wait, i take that back. our kid’s not stupid.

JOHN: well, ok, he hasn’t been born yet, so maybe he’ll turn out to be stupid eventually. what do i know?

JOHN: anyway, the point is, i’m just popping off on random things at people who don’t deserve it, because i’m really upset right now.

JOHN: not at anyone in particular... probably just at myself.

JOHN: like, wow, can you believe how shitty i’m being right now?

JOHN: you could be dead for all i know, yet here i am begging for your attention even though my life is perfect.

JOHN: but i don’t know who else i can talk to. even rose is acting weird all of sudden.

JOHN: i guess what i’m trying to say is...

JOHN: you’re the only thing that still makes sense to me, terezi.

JOHN: right now i... i just really need you.

JOHN: please come make some sense at me...

TEREZI: OK4Y LOS3R, T3LL M3 WH4T H4PP3N3D TH1S T1M3

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #rose lalonde #kanaya maryam #roxy lalonde #john egbert #terezi pyrope #candy epilogue #page 17

[luminusobscurum]

vent - jan 8 2024

i actually cant imagine a worse hell to put yourself in than to make up the idea someones out to get you. and your friends, god bless their little hearts. who just want to help, in a situation out of their depth

dont understand theyre enabling and making your life worse by reassuring these delusions. throwing away your dignity and sanity for validation, and the people who want to stop it just make it worse.

to value the phatic expression and quick ding! reward of being nice, over seeing the bigger picture, the addiction of validation and attention is enough people tear themselves apart for

making a spectacle out of everything, i was unsurprised finding out other people hate the guy too. its very easy to hate someone who makes their entire brand being a victim. who sees the world as nothing but a thing that happens to YOU at YOU.

for someone else to pick up where i left off. who ik very sure is someone who hates us both, since im always getting screenshots in my inbox of his private account. shit i never asked for. constant requests to engage or get back into the drama i ignore. because i dont need it. im not in this. i clocked out the minute that person took over because i know when i cant win something. i dont keep beating dead horses. i move on. you know the confusion "how does he bounce back so fast!?!?" thats not the only time ive been told that. i get bored. i move on.

so this new individual continues to terrorize them. i had a 15 year old say "youre just not a very good liar". i dont know how to say i will stand there and watch you die before i felt like i had to lie to anyone. look at my behavior, i was never scared of the consequences then and im still not.

ive never seen a bunch of people jump to save someone whose drowning only for the chaos to put them all under like that. these good intentions to help, but all it did was make things so much worse. come on. minors and angry adults who dont see the sun arent equipped to handle this shit. nobody is. and look what happened. a hell inside the head of your own making spoonfed to you through good intentions.

6 months later. nothing has changed. are you not ashamed? where will you be when youre too weak to lift your phone anymore. are you still stuck in the basement looking over my marriage album? will you be there wheh i graduate flight school? marc brunet's ART school? how long are you going to let the idea of me have so much control of you. because i dont fucking want it.

there is no one and nothing thats going to get you the big win you feel youre owed for what happened. yall tried calling my flight instructor and he thought it was a fucking joke. he thought he was being prank called. its not happening.

everyone in my life was begging me not to write an apology saying itd make it worse and i should have listened. i went against my friends because i thought i knew better and its the one regret i have from this entire situation. not to mention half of my explanations were cropped out for convenience. you didnt want closure you wanted a party.

so im saying now, forgive me not because i want it, but because you need it. youre a mess dude...look at you

people will believe anything if the truth is too hard to bare.

#ess.journal

[iscratchdoors]

blah blah trans healthcare rant dont mind me

i know people get pissy about regrets being given voice but holy fucking shit i should have not taken my time trying to get on hrt. i already knew i would eventually have to get top surgery to live my life normally at like 14 years old but for like 2-4 years after i was going back and forth on wanting to go on t, partially bc i wasn't sure i wanted all its effects and to look like a Manly Macho Man (wow a 15 year old struggling with the idea of looking like a 40 year old man? no way) and other gender stuff but mostly because everything i'd heard about trying to get hrt was a fucking horror story and i was already dealing with a ton of shit so i took my time to really make 100% sure i wanted to be on t (coincidentally happened when i became an adult and youthful androgyny stopped being an option, who woulda thought?) before ever contacting a doctor about it and holy FUCK was that a bad idea

it's always "take your time" and "don't rush into things" but holy fuck the waiting game is fucking insufferable. i did exactly that and took my time but turns out, so will my doctor! it does not matter how much Taking My Time(tm) i have done before seeking medical intervention this dipshit needs to take half a fucking year to even start talking to me about treatment. 6 appointments since last year and i've so far done nearly all the talking and gotten 0 information back and for about half of those ive been hearing that "next time we might talk about the next step" and guess what! we fucking haven't! because i need to wait, wait, wait, and make sure, and wait

for fucking what? ive already done all the making sure, giving me more time isn't going to change shit except delay my ability to live a normal goddamn life. he's not a psychologist and clearly doesn't know shit about autism, so i have no clue why he thinks he's qualified to decide if that has somehow tricked me into thinking im trans, a thing that famously happens. he's not telling me shit about fuck about how my treatment might even go and im not allowed to even fucking ask because that immediately gets shot down with "well we cant just give you hormones right away" BITCH FIRST OF ALL its been MONTHS ive had all my psychiatric work done for YEARS before i ever had to deal with your donkey-headed ass and im literally just ASKING. FOR INFORMATION. NOT A PRESCRIPTION.

but noooo we have to wait wait wait, wait before we even talk about the one goddamn thing i came for. like we arent sitting here having talks about my truest inner self and how to best achieve it or whatever the fuck i didnt come here for counseling and it certainly isnt what im fucking getting. like what the fuck does he think is going to happen during an arbitrarily decided waiting period? i suddenly change my mind? without him giving me ANY information about what im getting myself into? hes going to discover some secret psychosis i have that my ACTUAL PSYCHIATRIST didn't for years??? it doesn't make any sense. it's always "oh you can't get hormones on the first appointment" WELL CAN I AT LEAST BE FUCKING SENT TO ENDO BY THE GODDAMN SIXTH???? im not taking shit at my own pace im entirely reliant on someone else's that they decided for me with frankly no justification

and i can't even vent my frustrations about this to acquaintances and relatives because for some goddamn fucking reason, they almost ALWAYS take the doctor's side. i complain about the shit i had to go with my joints, nobody assumes the doctor was in the right when i tell a story of how they fucked something up or were a prick. i say one bad word about THIS motherfucker and suddenly well the doctor has his reasons surely :((( you cant just expect to be given what you want immediately :(((((( what if someone gets on hormones and changes their mind :(((((( not you just Someone :((((((( still your problem tho :(((((((( by the way i need you to listen to this story about how a trans person you've never met annoyed me once :) i dont have anything against trans people btw did i mention that? i really dont. if you want medical treatment die tho.

every single fucking time. what the hell is it about transgender healthcare specifically that always makes people play defense for a medical professional they dont know anything about. i know im kind of unhinged with anger and hyperbolic from rant frenzy but i mean no exaggeration when i say that i genuinely believe that half of these people would rather see 100 trans dudes kill themselves than let 1 confused cis girl end up with a deep voice and extra body hair. it's fucking ridiculous. even my goddamn social worker gave me the "can't expect hormones at first appointment" speech. a fucking WEEK ago. first appointment was LAST YEAR girl. no matter how directly i describe exactly what's wrong with my doctor's approach and why (it's not only the waiting period he's just a general cunt) somehow the narrative of the entitled impatient trans person who is attacking this poor poor medical professional on an unhinged whim when really they could just accept themself and be cis and happy :( is the first thing that springs to their mind. there's not an ounce of trust in me, or anyone else in my position.

and this is all just the first step. i'm already looking into paying out of pocket for surgery because the fucking rate this is going at doing it the standard way seems a last resort more than anything. but to even get into talks about getting surgery done, in ANOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY most likely, at that, because fuck me for being born here, i of course need to be diagnosed and on hrt! haha! amazing! i can't do shit to progress any further until ONE OLD FART decides that i'm allowed! wanna permanently ruin your health with booze and smoking? sure! you're an adult! wanna get a cosmetic surgery in line with your agab? aye if you can pay for it! oh you want to get a different cosmetic surgery to improve your mental health at well over 18? now hold on there bucko we're going to need 2 doctors to sign off on that, what if youre just being an insane wackadoodle and you'll regret the horrible, horrible fate of not having titties while living as a dude. that's not a decision you can just make. have you considered spending the rest of your life unable to comfortably go outside or even move around much inside your own home instead? seems like a much safer option.

and all the waiting and frustration is one thing but the absolute lack of support is what really finishes the job. i go to my dumbass dipshit appointments and do my dumbass dipshit jester dance of how good of a trans i am and may i please please please have a crumb of medical care sir? spare a doing your fucking job sir? and after that goddamn exhausting ordeal of justifying my right to existence and well being i go home and instead of winding down i fucking do it again. no reprieve. and then i go to my room and i wait, wait, wait, wait, and wait, and it never fucking ends, and all i do is wait, wait wait, wait, wait, and i barely even get to talk to people who aren't paid to do it anymore, and i wait, wait, wait, and im slowly going more and more insane, and wait, wait, wait, and life is a fucking nightmare, and i wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and there's no one left to ask for help, and i wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and think about putting a hole in my skull, and wait, and wait, and wait

#personal and unhinged. not thoughtful or informative

[frosnpls]

cw rhory (and suicide) talk again and general mental health talk

following on from that post yesterday i do definitely need therapy because as much as i convince myself ive healed (and to be fair i have, his death may have been traumatic but its incredible how quickly you realise you were being abused when youre... not being abused anymore) i do sometimes miss him and i hate it. ill see things like accounts from others who've lost people to suicide and it triggers that deep emptiness i felt when he first died despite the fact that he essentially ruined the first few years of my adult life

part of me wishes id never even met him but then i dont know if i would be as close to the friends i have now without him having been there (most of them anyway, if we pretend he didnt have one my best friends blocked because he would get jealous of how much fun i had speaking to her) and i also think he would have. died a lot sooner if i hadnt met him. his brother in law once told me it seemed like id afforded them two more years with him alive and i think it was meant to be grateful but in a way it was just upsetting because it made me feel guilty for all the times i had wished i didn't know him. it felt like i couldnt even afford a theoretical past version of myself that release. i know ultimately his death wasn't my fault and in fact i actively prevented it for a long time but it always always feels like i should have done something else. i feel like i shouldve told his brother that he was actively suicidal again but id come to his brother about it so many times that i think he just didnt think anything of it anymore.

and like despite how much i suffered through everything i dealt with with him i. do miss how we were sometimes. not him specifically, but the relationship we had when it was good. sometimes it upsets me that i cant even remember most of the positive times despite there being so many of them for the first two years we knew each other. sometimes i catch a glimpse of the tattoo on my arm when im getting out of the shower. the tattoo of one of his drawings, one of the only ones i managed to save when he deleted every single message he'd ever sent me. and sometimes it makes me feel like shit because i have this constant reminder of the boy who abused me emblazoned on my body, and nobody's first tattoo at the age of 21 should be a memorial to their boyfriend who killed himself, and it just makes me feel like shit because under everything else i really did love him and thats why i never walked away. thats why i didnt give up on him even when i started realising how damaging it all was for me. i loved him so much and i fucking hate saying it because logically i shouldnt have. its. a lot and its so complicated and nobody but me ever, ever saw it because he masked it around other people or would just dm me instead of saying anything out loud, and i could only tell people very nervously in private and i never had a way of proving it.

i think the hardest part is that my aocial circle now is almost exactly the same as it was when he was in it. all of our friends mourned that loss just the same. some of them know about the abuse now, but most of them don't, and the grief they will occasionally express (though never directly around me, which i appreciate) is so plain and easily explained and i almost feel jealous that i can't grieve the way they can. without any of the complicating factors. and that sounds so horrible but i wish my feelings about him were just SIMPLE.

i have a floater in my left eye. when i was with him, i developed stress stims. i would bash my hand against my head or bash my head against the corner of my desk. floaters are caused by head trauma. im consistently reminded of what that time was like every time i move my left eye in the right lighting.

i remember one particularly bad night where i cried for four hours straight because he just refused to talk to me like a normal person, blamed me for everything that was happening between us and told me to leave him alone and never speak to him again. i knew if i agreed to that he would kill himself as soon as he could. i knew i was the only thing keeping him alive, and that he resented me for that. i used to get acne on my nose and sleeve burns on my eyelids from crying so often and for so long each time.

it was fucking horrendous and i can't even vent to anyone because most of them grieved his death too. we don't even say his name - if he comes up it's always "you know" or "someone else, you know who i mean". so i think i... should really do a proper therapist hunt.

#personal #delete later just need to. put my thoughts down rn

[loveyouhomex]

hi, i saw your adhd post and its painfully relatable in a certain way? like ive started taking my meds a week or so ago, still waiting on an official diagnosis (which is only a formality at this point) and i dont even know if they are working but the thought of something making this feeling easier, when i've managed to do it anyways before is like. its making me feel weird, because why would i really need them? and then i think on how hard it is to fucking wash the dishes or focus enough to study and im like you know what, fuck it. i deserve not to suffer. i deserve to have things made even a bit easier for me, because its been so hard and if other people can benefit from so many things, like having normal brain chemistry, why shouldnt i, too? why do i have to suffer? you think i'm weak, well, lets see you try to get through the day with all this shit in your head and see how you deal with that, and see if you still think im weak for needing an extra something. its like wearing glasses, nobody thinks youre weak bcs you cant see, its normal that you'd get glasses, so i try to frame the adhd like that when the imposter syndrom hits me. idk if this helps in any way, i hope it doesnt do the opposite, but i just wanted to say you're not alone in this feeling, and that you're very brave, and not weak at all, at least not to me. and you dont have to reply or anything really, i just wanted to tell you this.

hi anon!

first of all, thank you so much for your message. it helped a lot that it was relatable for you too - it made me feel like i'm not alone with this 💕 my psychiatrist said that you should definitely feel them as soon as you take them (if you have stimulants as well) and i do feel smth change. i couldn't take them the next day so i was kind of waiting for a comparison, but i think on my day-off meds i was talking myself so much into a "look you can do stuff even without meds, i mean you're getting it done, why would you need something else" that it made me hard to really focus on how much they help me.

i feel like especially if you've got diagnosed as an adult and then as a woman as well, where symptoms are so inherently different, it's hard for me myself to always see the symptoms and regard them as something that i can help get better with meds.

but yeah, the "i deserve not to suffer" hit me so freaking hard. it's true, no matter how "small" the things are, they still impact me even when i try to tell myself it's normal that things are hard. but like, they're harder for myself in some aspects than neurotypical people.

thank you again for this. hope you're doing well and that you'll get your diagnosis soon 🥰

#lovely anon

[tears-of-boredom]

My room door has its hinges on my side so youd have to break the door to get in. I think i can hold my side if im awake. Im kinda paranoid. But i guess i have basis in that. I have a reason why i feel so stressed in this house. Even though i shouldnt. I should have no reason to have to keep a knife in my room to feel safe. And i think she doesnt see that i have reasons. I think that she thinks im just angry at her. I think she thinks i dont answer her because im mad at her. She thinks that i would want to keep my door closed when she comes in to talk because then the cats can get in. She thinks i care.

My sister sent me a text earlier. It was actually yesterday. We dont really talk to each other, just relay information when needed. She said that she wants for me to leave as well for the weekend so she and her friends can be totally alone. It wasnt in a rude way or anything. She said that she had noticed how closed off ive been for a while, and that shes pretty worried about me. That if there's anything she could help me with, she would. She said that she cant help if she doesnt know how to, and asked if i could respond. Then a hug sticker....

..........

......

Last year, I would've been so happy to get that message. I knew then that my sister cared about me, and that she would listen if I opened up to her...but it never felt right, it was always like i would be needlessly ruining her mood. That text read to me like a direct invation to share things. It read like I would make her day better by telling her how I've felt all this time.

........but...

I dont know, somewhere there was a tipping point...past that point, i dont feel redeemable, or frankly, like a person. Her words also mirrored mother's words pretty closely, so it makes me afraid that her other words would do that as well.

I feel like any help people will try to throw on me, will just go to waste. Not even the jokey "im employing people" excuse does anything for me anymore.

I needed saving when i was in fucking 2nd grade.

.....what if i got the wrong diagnosis....what if thats why none of the therapy or other aids work....i know that its impossible to fake an autism diagnosis, i know......i also remember how i still thought i was fine, how i was actively playing down every problem i had....whenever i stepped into the doctors room, i took on this persona....the good patient.......

........i just remember the red couches in every room.....in my head, i was just entertaining the adults.. they wanted to do all this to me, and me telling them i dont feel like it helps me, or that i dont see the point in it,, it didnt convince them. So i played along, while convinced i was alright, convinced from the start that none of it was going to help.....

...i was still bottling up all my frustrations, because if you ignore it, it goes away. Talking back will only lead to more conflict. I let the adults mispresent me, not like i cared, it wasnt going to work either way. Since the adults are better at knowing whats good for me, maybe theyre better at knowing me as well huh.

......i remember feeling really guilty, sitting in the waiting room and looking around. Seeing these other kids who had real problems. I felt like a faker. I wasnt supposed to be there.....

.....thats kind of how i feel about life..like im a faker, and that im not supposed to be here....

Last sunday, i was just asking the whole time in my head "why?", "was this your plan?", "did i do something wrong?", "is this what you had always planned, or did i make a choice that altered it?"......

..........

.......i wrote the tags before all the shit from my sister's text onwards..this wasnt supposed to be another one of these posts, just a quick "lol i hate it here"..... i hate it everytime i insinuate that i have trauma. I mean every. single. time. Its the same with any problem that i see as "real". I'll say i have something a couple times, but then the guilt catches up and i feel like ive been lying....its catching up from my "aspergers" diagnosis.....the fact that the diagnosis is called that makes me feel even faker.....i asked about it one time, about why they used the "outdated" term, and the reasoning was that "its just an older term for autism dont worry, it means the same thing"......

...........

......my fuel has kinda run out by now.....my tears have dried completely.....i dont know how else to end this....sorry for posting this. I know its shitty of me to say that and post it anyways, i dont know why i do this........

#my mom always uses this ''i have to see your face by the end of this evening'' reasoning to get me out.. #i do usually give away on that. but i dont understand why she needs to see me. or what the consequence of not showing myself is.. #like the only reason i can think of for her to need to see me is SH reasons...but ive never struggled with it...and also she would not know #if i did. because i would simply hide it.. obviously i wont show and tell all the ''reasons'' she has to not allow me privacy.. #but yeah like she couldnt even tell if i was struggling to eat well or not. when i went to school.. #so it cant be that either.. and she could confirm im alive by just asking through the door. or the evidence of me taking stuff from #my shelf in the fridge when nobodys around.. #i hate her voice.. you can never predict what volume level it will be.. it sounds so angry and annoyed constantly.. #tearful stuff

[gegewrites]

Ashtray- This Bitch

1-28-22

Words idk

Edited nah obvi

Pure platonic

ashtrays pov-

this bitch. this blonde herion whore bimbo bitch was sitting with her feet on my damn table, eatin my fuckin cereal. 

“are you gonna- im not supposed to talk to you.” faye said and went back to eatin my cereal. i shook my head and walked out of the room, making my way towards (y/n) and Fezcos room. they told me not to bother them, but ive been telling faye for the past week to stop touchin my shit. 

i approched their door and knocked on it without stopping until i heard fez talk.

“fuck man, come in!” he said and i opened the door up quickly, i turned to face out oof the hall, not wanting to see whatever they was doin.

“your blonde herion whore bimbo bitch is eating my fuckin cereal again.” i said and (y/n) laughed.

“you can look at us, we weren't fucking.” I turned into the room, (y/n) had Fezcos hand on in her, she was painting his nails.

“Can you please control your bitch?!” I yelled,”I don’t Fuckin what her here!”

“You owe Custer this man, you broke his nose!” Fez didn’t yell but his voice was raised, I bit my tongue,”just ignore her man, we can buy more.” I shook my head at him, begire walking out slamming the door behind me.

Your pov-

Ash walked out of the room slamming the door behind him.

“Fuck.” Fez whispered.

“He doesn’t like this at all you know this, why does this sound new to you?” I asked twisting the cap of the dark green nail polish and getting off of the bed,” put your hands under that light, imma go talk to him.”

“You a good one Ma.” Fez said as I opened the door.

“Anything for my boys, but seriously, she using sugar to cope with her shit, she’s eating everything, help her a bit.” I said closing the door behind me and Walked down the hall a bit.

I lightly knocked on the door before opening it, he was sitting on his bed, his back towards the door. It’s the times like these I remember he’s a kid, not an adult.

“Go the Fuck away Fez.” He said and I close the door a bit behind me,”I said go the fuck away ion wanna talk to you.”

“It’s (y/n) actually.” I said and he turned around to face me.

“You gon scold me or some shit? cause you’re not my mom and ion want you actin like one.” I sat down on the edge of his bed.

“She’s only staying till things calm down Ash, another week should be all.” I said ignoring his statement because I know it meant nothing and it was just because he was upset.

“I don care (y/n)! I don’t want her here! You see how she walks around the house? The way she looks at fez?! Why aren’t you taking some control and doing something?!” He turned to face me fully.

“She doesn’t look at fez in any way Ash, she has her boyfriend and she has made that very clear.” I kept my tone calm and clear,” she walks around the house in those clothes like she does because that’s all she knows okay? I can take her shopping tomorrow and ge her some more appropriate clothing if that’s makes you feel better.” He physically calmed down, his shoulders lost their tension and his face relaxed.

“Ya.” He nodded.

“Her and i will go tomorrow around 9, okay? Now…” I got up from his bed,”I have to go run some stuff to a small party, so you need anything while I’m out?”

“Cereal obviously, she ate the whole damn box.”

“I’ll get extra then.” I smiled at him,”I’ll be back in an hour or so, fez is staying.”

“Aight.” I turned around and opened the door,”thanks.”

“Always kiddo.”

“Don’t call me that.” I giggled turning to look at him.

“Whatever you say…kiddo.”

#euphoria #fezco euphoria #euphoria fandom #ashtray euphoria #faye euphoria #euphoria fic #ashtray #javon walton #Gegewrites

[bl00dgutsgl0ry]

Rivalry Put To Rest

Pairing - Zhongli x Fem!Reader

Warnings - Arranged marriages (non of that under age like child marriages though fuck that yuck, these are obviously of age adults i just really wanna make that clear jesus), praise kink, modern AU, just lovely soft sex with my favorite man :'^).

Word Count - 2.4k

Other Comments - Dude it’s been so long since ive actually written anything im so sorry. But i couldn't resist writing this. I know i promised xiao but he will come in time. This is a little bit of a slow burn, or at least the sex doesnt start right away lol i want this to be nice and soft. P.s. youre on birth control so dont worry about no condom lol.

You did not like this idea. Why your parents were still forcing you into this was beyond you seeing as how you were a fully grown ass adult. You just couldn’t stomach the disappointment you would be seen as in their eyes. You were the daughter to the CEO of one of the most well known Law Firms in Teyvat. Zhongli was the son of another CEO who controlled your Rival company. Yours's and his parents wanted to finally settle the bad blood between the firms by having the two of you get married. You knew damn well the benefits of doing this was, god forbid if your Fathers firm went underwater, you would still be secure with Zhongli as your husband.

It’s not that you didn’t like Zhongli, and he certainly was not ugly; you just couldn’t stand your freedom to choose who you really wanted to marry being ripped from you. It was non negotiable though, so you had to go through with it. Zhongli didn’t seem to mind at all, he thoroughly enjoyed his very brief moments he had with you before, and was frankly excited to get more of those moments. He just hoped you didn’t resent him or blame him for this.

You both of course had an extravagant wedding, why would you not when your family was one of the wealthiest in Teyvat. You were grateful to your parents for letting you invite a few of your friends, and it seemed Zhongli had done the same. There was almost like a crowd formed around you two at the after party, you talking to your friends, and him with his. Zhongli had offered you his arm to hold onto, but you politely declined, feeling that even just holding his arm was too intimate for you.

“Already trouble in paradise for the two lovebirds?” One of Zhongli’s friends had chuckled, a red head with a stupidly smug smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as you shot a look at him. Your friend Ningguang frowned, turning to look at your now husband.

“Control your dog, Mr. Zhongli.” You let out a chuckle, when you heard Zhongli’s friend scoff.

After a while, it was customary for the newlyweds to go on their honeymoon; so after a couple of hours you had to bid farewell to your friends and family. You approached the jet the two of you would be taking, with Zhongli carrying the luggage not far behind. You went ahead and boarded, while your new husband spoke with the pilot and the crew, sighing to yourself.

“Come on (y/n) suck it up, this honeymoon will be over sooner than you know it.” You mumbled to yourself, settling into the high class jet.

“Did you say something (y/n)?” You jumped, not expecting to hear Zhongli’s voice. “Ah.. My apologies, I did not mean to startle you.” You sighed and shook your head, waiving your hand to dismiss the apology.

“You’re fine Zhongli, I’m just… Nervous is all.” He hummed in response, nodding as he settled himself into the jet.

“I understand (y/n), I really do apologize about this being thrusted into your lap. I know this isn’t the ideal circumstances for a young woman to go through.” You nodded, glad that he understood your hesitance to the situation. Zhongli really wasn’t a bad guy.

“It’s really not your fault Zhongli, I understand you probably had no more say in it than I.” You gave him a reassuring smile, the first genuine smile to grace his line of sight. Without noticing he found himself smiling back, relieved that you didn’t see him with any contempt. A comfortable silence settled, as the jet took off towards your destination.

It wasn’t a long flight, and along the way you were able to make small talk, slowly learning more about Zhongli. After two short hours, you felt the jet jump slightly against the ground before steadying itself on the runway. After a few more moments, you both departed, Zhongli once again handling the luggage, leaving your side to retrieve it.

Before you knew it, you were at the house you would be staying at for your honeymoon. It sat on a beautiful beach side shore, with a large open patio looking out over the ocean. By the time you guys had arrived it was already around 10:00 o’clock at night, so the crescent moon was high in the sky as you both stepped out onto the patio. The moon and stars gleamed against the inky black water, with the rhythmic beating of the waves lulling you both into a comfortable silence. You stood next to your husband and finally for the first time that night, actually took in his face.

The light of the scenery exposed the beauty Zhongli held in his face, the pale light bouncing off his cheekbones and illuminating his golden irises as he looked out over the sea. He must’ve felt you staring because moments later those golden eyes were locked on yours.

“Do you like the scenery (y/n)?” You gave a quick nod before ducking away from his gaze, a red flush rising to your face. You heard him chuckle for a moment before shifting.

“I know what is customary to happen on our honeymoon, and I do not want you to feel pressured to fulfill that part of our relationship.” You flushed even more as you suddenly found the pattern of the wood to be very interesting. You had completely forgot that sex was usually something people did on honeymoons. It seemed normal, because generally the people who get married have had a relationship before this so nothing felt awkward about the topic. Obviously that wasn't the case in this situation, but there was something in you that kind of wanted to. Something in you that felt comfortable enough with him to do it, you already trusted him which shocked you. What if he wasn’t though? What if he was uncomfortable with the thought of having sex with you right now which is why he brought it up so suddenly?

“Thank you Zhongli, you’re too kind. You’ve truly been so understanding through this entire thing.” You looked back up to him finally, and found a gentle smile on his face. He nodded and hummed before turning back to the house.

“We should probably get to bed, it’s already fairly late.” You nodded, pulling out your phone to check the time. You both walked about into the house together. “There is another room down the hall from the master bedroom if you don’t want to sleep in the same bed. It’s smaller so I could always take it.” There he goes, being considerate and kind; handling your thoughts and feelings like glass that would break any second. You remained silent for a moment contemplating on what he had said, before gently shaking your head.

“No, no, it’s fine. I want to share the bed with you.” You smiled up at him, and he looked almost surprised with your willingness, but the shock didn’t last for long before he smiled back at you and nodded; offering you his arm to hold on to, which you shakily took. You both reached the bedroom, where he had placed all of your guy's luggage before letting you go to retrieve your sleeping clothes as he did the same. You went into the bathroom, to give yourself and him some privacy before slowly re-entering. Zhongli was in a pair of brown silk pants with golden accents and a black short sleeve shirt. Your eyes met each other, and Zhongli smiled when he saw you.

“I know that these were unideal circumstances to get married, but I’m happy it is you who is my spouse. I can only hope you think the same of me, and that at some point you can genuinely feel connected to me.” You blushed as he said this, genuinely taken aback by the sincerity in his voice. You feel bad for dreading and almost resenting Zhongli when you were first notified about the engagement, once finding out just how compassionate and caring the man before you was. Slowly, the two of you made your way into the large king sized bed. There was a large gap between the two of you, large enough to comfortably fit another person. Your mind raced a mile a minute trying to decide whether or not you should scoot in a little closer to the man next to you.

And so you did, without taking another moment to think about it you shifted closer to Zhongli until your side gently pressed against his. You felt Zhongli stiffen beside you for a brief moment, and for a split second you regretted scooting in; that was until you felt him roll over onto his side and wrap a strong arm around your torso. You could really take in Zhongli’s scent like this and you noticed that he smelled like amber rum, chestnuts, and a hint of vanilla. It wrapped you in a warmth that lulled you into a comforting silence as the two of you laid together like this.

You rolled onto your side, letting Zhongli’s arm now rest against your waist. Your noses were almost touching as the two of you stared into each other's eyes. You saw his eyes dart down to your lips for the briefest of seconds, letting yourself do the same.

“Zhongli…” Your voice was barely above a whisper. “Can I kiss you?” You saw Zhongli’s eyes widen as his gorgeous eyes met yours, not expecting you to ask him that.

“I would love nothing more… Darling.” You flushed at the mild pet name, before softly placing your lips onto his. It felt as time skidded to a halt, as the two of you moved against each other with the grace of a slow dance. Soon enough it became heated, as you changed positions and straddled his hips. You could feel his boner pressing against you through his pants, and it made warmth bloom in your chest.

“You really want to do this right? You don’t feel pressured my dear?” You smiled at Zhongli’s questions, nodding before he could get another one out. It felt good to be so concerned about, so doted over.

“Yes Zhongli, I really want to do this with you. I trust you.” This time it was Zhongli’s turn to flush, an elegant smile gracing his lips. Before long, the both of you were out of your sleeping clothes and back on top of one another. Your back was to the silken bed sheets, as Zhongli was on top of you lining his hard cock up with your eager pussy. Zhongli gave you one last look before slowly entering you inch by inch. To say he was huge would be an understatement, so he knew he had to take it slow with you so as to not hurt you in any way. Zhongli needed this to be a good experience with you, he would never forgive himself if he hurt you or made this unenjoyable in any way at all.

The noises you were making and the way your hands were clawing at his back reassured him that he was doing everything right so far, always stopping after pushing in a few inches to give you time to adjust. Without thinking, Zhongli's mouth just started moving as words spilled out.

“You’re doing so good for me my angel, you’re taking me so well. You’re too good for me.” With the praise spilling out of Zhongli’s mouth, you couldn’t help but unleash a flurry of loud moans, as he bottomed out. He stood still for a couple moments, making sure you were nice and comfortable, until he felt you trying to move against him; trying to get him to move in and out of you.

“If you were ready for me to move, all you needed to do was ask my gem.” You let out a whine like moan, that evolved into a guttural groan when he finally started to thrust in and out of you. Your nails raked across his skin, surely leaving marks for you to admire after this was all said and done. He wasn’t skipping out on the marks either, as he sucked and bit at your skin, still throwing out praise every time his mouth left your skin. His fingers dug into your hips, as he sped up. He just couldn’t help himself, your wet quivering pussy just felt way too good wrapped around him; sucking him in every time he pulled out.

“I can’t believe it took us getting into an arranged marriage to finally meet, my god where have you been all my life.” Zhongli had begun to groan, obviously getting close to tipping over the edge, with the way his thrusts continued to get sloppier every so often. You moaned in response, too blissed out of your mind to form actual words. Zhongli’s head fell against your shoulder, his ebony black hair hanging off his shoulders.

With a few more strokes, Zhongli had both of you tumbling over the edge and cumming in unison. All that could be heard in your room was the quiet crashing of waves and the combined panting of the both of you. After a few moments of Zhongli getting his breath back he tumbled down next to you, sweaty shoulders touching. A couple seconds of silence passed before you spoke up in a raspy broken voice.

“It took us so long because I’m technically your rival.” You were giggling slightly, when Zhongli let out a loud chuckle.

“I guess you are right my dear, but now we are joined together. And I cannot wait to see what comes of our joining.”

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #genshin zhongli #genshin impact zhongli #zhongli #genshin imagine #genshin impact imagine #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #zhongli imagine #zhongli x reader #zhongli smut

[wizkiddx]

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes

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