#and I was super dysphoric and miserable

[furnace-arden]

Hey, anyone on here willing to talk about getting the depo shot? I got it for dysphoria and painful periods and I don't think it's working, but I don't know anyone irl who tried it

#I don't see my doctor about it for another month #but I dont' think I'm getting another one #instead of one day where the pain was a 6 it was three days where the pain was a 5 #and I was super dysphoric and miserable #also if you misgender me in this I'll block you #wish I could do something more violent but that's all I got right now #medication #pain management #dysphoria #depo #depo shot #this is not the way to get healthcare is it? #healthcare

[raythekiller]

YOU NEED TRANSMASC REQUESTS???? I CAN GIVE YOU TRANSMASC REQUESTS!!!!!! :D

begging on my hands and knees for some headcanons for Jeff, toby and hoodie with the transmasc!s/o, where reader is on his period and like SUPER dysphoric, I’m talking like doesn’t want to look at himself, get touched or speak to anyone cause the dysphoria is so bad and he’s lowkey miserable 😭

I NEED COMFORT OK 💔💔💔

🗒 ❛ Dysphoric Reader On His Period ༉‧₊˚✧

Featuring: Jeff The Killer, Ticci Toby, Hoodie

#Notes: big mood

pronouns used: none, but male! reader

˗ˏˋ back to navigation ´ˎ˗

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Jeff The Killer

He'll try to let his teenage boy-like disgust over the fact there's blood coming out of your intimates aside cause he knows this is already taking a toll on you. He'll just kind of awkwardly pat on on the back while going "There, there, little guy" as if that'd make you feel any better. When you squirm away from his touch, he'll realize this is probably a little worse than he thought it was and get even more awkward. Look, Jeff doesn't do feelings well, so he might not be the best at comforting, but he'll listen if you want to vent, not really adding any input himself. A friendly ear is all you'll get from him.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ticci Toby

He's best friends with Cody, who I headcanon to be transmasc as well, so he definitely has a better starting point than Jeff. Won't let you isolate in your room and be miserable - he won't stand for that. He'll literally drag you outside if he has to, has a very aggressive way of showing that he cares. Absolutely suggests a makeover, he'll dress you up super nicely and convince you to look in the mirror, all the while saying how handsome you look. Makes sure you shower and eat properly as well, no buts, your well being is important to him. Brings you any supplies you need for your period as well as snacks. Overall super caring and considerate.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Hoodie

Honestly I feel like he has a very loose idea on gender, by which I mean he doesn't care for it, so he might not totally understand your struggle. Hold on, let me try to explain it better - he honestly and genuinely doesn't care for labels or how people perceive him as or what pronouns others use for him or anything like that. Gender is a social construct anyway, why should he give a shit? But you care, and he doesn't completely understand why. Still, he knows you're struggling and he's not about to ignore it. Will make sure your period is well taken care of with tampons and chocolate and pain killers while also trying to make you feel better about yourself. If you feel like a guy, then you are one, and that's it. Who cares what others think - it's you that matters, and he'll tell you that every day if he has to.

#creepypasta #creepypasta headcanons #creepypasta x reader #ray.writes #ticci toby #jeff the killer #ticci toby x reader #jeff the killer x reader #hoodie #hoodie x reader

[drdemonprince]

How do you feel about “weaponized incompetence”

I see a lot of people talking about it, and I know it can definitely be a thing that people do purposefully, but so many things that fall under the umbrella seem like things that some neurodivergent people tend to struggle with.

I don't think a person needs to be consciously or intentionally weaponizing incompetence in order to leverage it for their benefit. Due to forces like systemic sexism, sometimes a weaponized incompetence dynamic plays out without anybody meaning it to.

Now of course, weaponized incompetence is absolutely a dynamic that some people deliberately create (famously, a husband or boyfriend knowingly washing the dishes poorly so his partner never asks him to do it again), but more often than not, it's the byproduct of capitalist overwork and alienation meeting sexist norms that play out on an intuitive level rather than some malicious, evil plan.

My ex-partner absolutely benefitted from weaponized incompetence; he was also almost certainly an undiagnosed ADHDer who was struggling, and not a bad guy. From my perspective, it didn't matter. I still ended up having to pay the bills, sign us up for all the utilities, figure out a new place to live three different times when our rent went up, hire the movers, remind him to get a new ID when his old one was expired and we had a flight coming up, find him a dentist when his tooth was aching, help him write emails for his work when he first got a job, ask him to clean things rather than being able to trust he would contribute, make all the decisions regarding decluttering the house, take care of our pet, etc etc etc.

He deserved more help than he ever got, as a (very likely) disabled person living under capitalism. But I also covered him and shouldered his life burdens in a way that made me miserable and offloaded a lot of his responsibilities onto me. It drove me nuts and made me dysphoric to admit it, but a large part of how we wound up in that dynamic was systemic sexism, because he was a cishet man and I wasn't.

All that said, and my considerable real-life biases having been put on the table, I do think it's the case that many disabled people are unfairly accused of 'weaponizing incompetence' when all that they've done is express a limitation as clearly as they possibly could, which ought to be a good thing. There is nothing wrong or manipulative with asking for help, or for articulating what you are and are not capable of as honestly as you can. (And this honest communication piece was absent in the relationship I am describing; he wouldn't even acknowledge that he wasn't and could not contribute to maintaining a life together in any practical way. When I tried to name that dynamic, he would shut down, walk away, say things were going to change without any plan for how that might happen, etc).

In much the same way that an excited Autistic person who is infodumping or communicating super clearly in order to be helpful can be unfairly branded a "mansplainer", lots of disabled people are seen unfairly as manipulative, lying about their limitations, taking advantage of other people, lazy, and weaponizing incompetence.

The trope of the fake disabled person who is just gaming the system cuts deep. It's pervasive and it's responsible for a lot of social problems that disabled people face, from impossibly difficult benefits applications programs, to cruel teachers who refuse to provide the accommodations to which their students are entitled, to abusive and neglectful partners who fail to meet their disabled loved one's needs. Arguably I even was one of those partners, even if I did have genuine reasons for grievance and very real disabilities of my own.

The reality is that the lines between all these things can be blurred, as a person's intent and their impact can be wildly different. people who are doing their best can still leverage sexism and leave a partner feeling taken advantage of. And a partner who feels taken advantage of can have real reasons for feeling that way and can also still be ableist, or even cruel and unfair to their disabled loved one. it's tough.

Thanks for the great question, it is one I think about a lot for obvious reasons.

[tirfpikachu]

my transmasc nonbinary ex said that they keep getting gendered as female when going out, especially now that they're off testosterone, and that they're not opposed to it per se but it just gets tiring to be called the same thing all the time and they wish people would switch it up every now and then (so they feel more validated as enby)

i remember what it was like when i had nonbinary dysphoria and it was almost like a game. like you want a good ratio of being gendered as male vs female. they were gendered as male for long enough for years that they got actually dysphoric from it, like they got miserable living 100% as male. so now they're in-between. they've had top surgery, they have stubble but always shave it and want to get laser for it (they don't enjoy anything they rly got from hrt afaik, they just "needed something to happen" and top surgery was taking a while to happen at the time). so they're androgynous, but they're hyperfixated on how others view them. it's obviously not what they always think about, but enough to notice and keep track. if they only get gendered as female that month they get uncomfortable. if they only get gendered as male another month they get uncomfortable. it must be so fucking annoying. it was for me, anyway. like never feeling satisfied w how others view you, bc what you want is basically impossible unless you were super dedicated every single day to curating your appearance to pass differently

sometimes i feel like telling them just be yourself, even cis ppl get misgendered, try to feel secure in yourself and all the other bullshit will fade away. strangers only take a quick glance at you and your sex characteristics. and if you have an afab-typical body outside of a flat chest, and you wear stylish clothes, and you're conventionally pretty... and have shaved your stubble... i mean yeah, ppl are gonna think you're afab, and they use the typical sex-based pronouns associated w that. it sucks though. nonbinary ppl, including me from back then, tend to daydream abt a world where ppl would just be able to tell they identified as nonbinary and used they/them or did the "oh miss... i mean sir! sorry" thing every time. they're seeking that rush of "omg i did the nb thing!!" even though they themselves will use she or he for others unless the person is alternative enough & androgynous enough where they cannot believe the person is at peace w their sex. they'll say all day long that nonbinary isn't a look or a behavior but they really go against that aaall the time!!! honestly often the word nonbinary is basically synonym with "androgynous" in how it's used, and other times as a nebulous identity based on the understanding that everyone has an inner womanly or manly feelings inside their head except for special enbies. some nonbinary ppl are androgynous, others genuinely for all intent and purposes are considered gender conforming in society. sometimes i think that's to the detriment of genuinely androgynous folks (nonbinary-identified or not) who face the blunt of anti-gnc hatred

honestly once i embraced being a female human life seemed kinda boring at first bc i didn't get those "omg i reached androgyny!!" rushes anymore. it's like the game was over bc i aligned w my sex as a neutral fact. and all that energy i had focused on gender stuff i now put towards just seeing myself as a human who happened to be female, and would be female no matter what, and no matter what ppl thought it doesn't change the body type i was born in. i'm just like any other female animal. it means absolutely nothing. ppl can think i'm a dude all the time and i just laugh it off bc i know what i am, it's like a funny little secret i have when i get misgendered. but trans ppl don't view it like that... i wonder, what if they desensitized themselves to misgendering and found security in themselves and confidence in their identity? even while still identifying as trans etc? what if they could learn to laugh too cuz they know what they are? i feel like that's what they should work on instead of changing the world around them and feeling bummed out everytime they don't win at gender

#lay text #research tag #my words #radfem #radblr

[itsjaywalkers]

PLS PLS PLS SOME OBY REG NSFW HC !!! i got confused of the regulus for a sec sorry 😿 but i meant some oby reg nsfw hc !!!!!

SEE THIS IS THE OTHER ONE I GOT but it's okay bc i'm super nice and i loveeee talking about that sad miserable lil guy <3 sorry it took me so long to get back to u.. i've been meaning to respond for ages but . well . life's been busy . and also i kept forgetting lmao. anyways here we go

he Loves sex. he gets horny very easily and he's always been sensitive, but it took him a while to be able to enjoy and explore his sexuality bc of his parents + him being trans

now however he's very happy and comfy with his own body and his gender and his sexuality (ofc he still gets dysphoric, unfortunately he always will BUT it doesn't happen often)

he genuinely likes hookup culture. as if it wasn't obvious lmao. it gives him freedom to fool around without it getting messy and he's quite shameless atp

it did take a bit for him to get confident enough to sleep around with random guys semi-regularly tho

he prefers using his front hole!! but he also enjoys anal

praise AND degradation kink

gets very subby in bed, especially when he gets fucked hard, but he still enjoys having some control and being a brat

a switch!! he's more into bottoming but absolutely loves topping too

daddy kink. obviously. he didn't know he was into it until james bc he's never been very into the whole sir thing so he never even considered the daddy kink

he's SO loud. moans and whines and whimpers and even sobs, which clashes a lil with his exhibitionism kink for . obvious reasons lmao

which reminds me . exhibitionism kink!! loves the risk of being discovered. and honestly i think he'd also be into actually being discovered..

tends to use condoms even tho he doesn't like them bc a lot of the guys he sleeps with are a bit sketchy and he isn't an idiot

james is clearly the exception.. he adores the feeling of being filled, and since he can't have a cock in him all the time, being full of cum is at least close enough

likes it rough and fast, always wanting to feel sore afterwards and barely able to stand

very into hickeys and bruises and marks, more receiving them than giving them

usually prefers penetration over oral sex, but being with james almost makes him change his mind.. Almost

ready to have sex whenever and wherever, if he gets in the mood he won't stop until he gets what he wants and tends to play dirty bc of it, regardless of if there's an audience

obsessed with overstimulation AND spanking

kinda interested in bdsm but he's never actually experienced any of it properly

comfy with ppl using afab terms for his genitals (he uses them himself) but also likes it a lot when ppl use more neutral or masc terms. he really doesn't have that much of a preference

very very VERY into choking

isn't prone to squirting but . his body is capable of it

isn't that fond of pet names in bed, he's kinda indifferent, but goes insane whenever james calls him love or baby

will do it anywhere BUT a bed

loves dirty talking

into somnophilia!! not without having a convo about it first ofc

and i'm gonna stop there!!

#asks #anons #fic series: only by you

[simp999]

Saw that your TF2 requests are open :) could you do some relationship headcanons with Demoman x Male reader?? If you don't want to write headcanons you can do whatever you feel most comfortable with, I don't mind :)

Have a good day!!

AHHHH DEMO MY BELOVED <333 thank you so much for requesting!!! I needed this for the soul, as an enby who likes being seen as masc www

Tf2 Demoman x Male! Reader Headcannons + Mini Drabble

Wc: 0.8k

Masterlist

-I like to think that Demo’s very touchy-feely. Not in a weird way, it just makes him happy having an arm wrapped around your shoulders, or even simply having linked pinkies under the table.

-Like, bro-type affection if that makes sense?? He likes being gentle with you at times of course, and very much cherishes those moments, but there’s something about being able to pick you up and squeeze you tight, or pushing you around then having you giggle because of it that’s special to him.

-Back to those soft moments, he loooves hugs and cuddles, but especially when you two are super close. Like you two can be hugging for an extended amount of time and feel comfortable, then you look up at him and smile (as he melts)

-And it’d just be wrong of him to not give you a kiss right then and there, right?

-Speaking of, TONS of forehead/temple/hairline kisses. They’re his favorite to give.

-He loves any of your kisses of course, but kissing him on the jaw does something man

-Friends to lovers 100%

-He’s your #1 Hype Man tm for sure!! You do anything, it doesn’t even have to be remotely cool and he’s like “HELL YEAH! THAT’S ME BOY!! MY BOY, AAAALL MINE!!”

-Also, since magic is canon, it’s possible he believes that you’re his soulmate. Or at the very least, his good luck charm <3.

-One thing that gets me totally soft is the idea that he drinks less around you, so that he can remember special- or any- moments with you better. 

-If you enjoy drinking as well, there’s sure to be nights where you two just enjoy the night and drink together.

-Though, dating him definitely involves taking care of him. 

-Everytime he wakes up to you caressing his face while he has a miserable hangover, he swears he falls for you even more.

-The fact that you’re a boy wouldn’t change anything really, love is love. That’s just how Demo grew up.

-He’s not afraid to show you off to others, being so proud of you!!

-"Look at my handsome boyfriend!! Isn’t he the cutest?!"

-Speaking of praise, he gets extremely emotional about it when he’s drunk;

“Why’re ye looookin’ at me like..like that, luv?” He sways a bit as he speaks, while he sits on his bed, with you comfortably tucked in his arms. 

He had drank more than usual tonight, wanting to celebrate the impressive win you had earlier that day. The celebration had ended almost an hour ago, but the two of you still wanted to spend time together.

“Am I not allowed to admire my pretty boyfriend?~”

It takes a few moments to comprehend and then put together your words, but you can see the way his face heats up. He quickly tries to hide it by hugging you, and nestling in the crook of your neck.

The two of you lay like that for a while, the position being comfortable and warm. You could easily fall asleep on him, but he backs away before you could. His voice is much quieter, and the way he mumbles makes it tough to discern what he’s saying.

“Aye, luv… ye really think I’m pretty?”

Without missing a beat, you carefully bring your hand up to caress his face, and give him a short kiss.

“The prettiest.”

Extra trans male headcanons for the soul:

-If you’re trans, he is the most reassuring and comforting man you’ll meet.

-If you ever feel dysphoric, he’s so quick to shut it down.

-No!! You’re the most handsome, strong, boyest boy he’s ever met. (Yes, that’s something he’s told you.)

-I highly doubt any of the mercs would misgender you, and none of them would ever do it on purpose. But let’s say you did run into some transphobe douche while you’re out and about, I can promise that Demo would have a short fuse. (Pun intended-)

-He’d quickly passive-agressively say that you’re his boyfriend. 

-And if the ass doesn’t get the hint? Well, you won’t have to worry about them for long after they get blown up.

-If you bind, he will not allow you to do so during battle. He assures you that you can wear the binder whenever you’re out and about, or even as soon as you get back to base if it makes you feel better about yourself.

-He’s always on your ass about taking breaks and stretching, but he does it ‘cause he loves you. :)

-If you had top surgery, he LOVES kissing your scars. Or even tracing his fingers over them, through a shirt or not. 

-He totally loves getting you trinkets or literally anything with the trans flag or trans flag colors on it. He buys so many stickers and pins, and even a white, light blue, and light pink plushie he found.

July.25.23

#tf2 #team fortress #team fortress 2 #team fortress two #tf2 x reader #team fortress 2 x reader #tf2 x you #tf2 demo x reader #tf2 demo #tf2 demoman #team fortress demoman #team fortress 2 demoman x reader #x reader #fanfic

[micahthemoon]

February 15 2024 I think I’ve noticed one way I have super keen body awareness. It’s now at least the third time I have been able to feel before waking up whether I felt heavier or lighter than the day before. Three weeks ago, I felt bloated, and I was heavier. Last week I felt oddly tiny and sure enough I weight less. Today I feel downright miserable and very body shape dysphoric and what do you know: I weight more than I’ve done in months. I guess Monday’s treat has caught up with me. Thanks, I hate it.

#transgender #transmasc #nonbinary #body awareness #body image #gender dysphoria #entry #findingmicah

[shinra-makonoid]

I recently accidentally encountered one of the radfem blogs, now inactive, that used to be quite prominent several years ago. She talked about how she reidentified, how all AFABs are dysphoric to some degree etc., how gender dysphoria is very much like anorexia - all the old discourse stuff. I wanted to leave it, but then I decided to read something more. I mostly dropped it, but reading radfem blogs used to be my sort of digital self-harm, because it always made me feel shit and dysphoric, but I pushed myself to read them because "it's unpleasant, maybe this means they're right" (it doesn't). And she talked about, how she used to attribute way too much to "woman", but when realizing she's just an "adult human female" and "female interested in other females", she stopped being dysphoric, binding etc.

Then the realization hit me. My gut reaction to such "you don't need to transition, you can cure dysphoria by accepting your biology" talks was always distrust and doubt, but I started to think "Maybe she and other people like her felt very miserable and ashamed because of their sexuality and sex, so when they heard the stories about how transition made trans people's lives better, they jumped onto it, when in reality they didn't have the same innate urge to identify as men or non-women as trans men do. Because all these talks about femaleness don't make me feel safe or accepted, only the opposite.

Yeah it's always been my view that if they "stop being trans" after accepting they're born a female, they weren't probably trans to begin with. Or like, if they suddenly are "just female" because they realize their personal identity doesn't matter, they weren't a trans man either.

Like if you can think your way out of dysphoria this ain't dysphoria. And it's also bad to compare it to anorexia because anorexic people really can't think their way out of their mental health issues either. It's just super ableist in general. The whole idea that you can actually reason yourself out of mental health issues is stupid. Maybe you can cope with them better-ish, but it's not a cure.

Anyway I'm glad you're not reading much of them anymore. Tbh after browsing it a lot, I lost interest because I think I got a really good turn around it and it became boring. It's not worth it.

Thanks for the ask!

#ask #anon

[steves-strapcollection]

It has been a hot minute since I shared a selfie and I missed TDOV bc I was dying at work, but here have this selfie I just took. I got so many compliments on my hair today and idek what I did bc I haven't done anything different (so I'm thinking it's just... The length?)

Anyway, I'm now well over a year and a half on T, woohoo!!

And as is my tradition when discussing my transition, some pics of me taken around the same time over the past couple years:

The picture on the left I took about 5 months before I started T. I still identified as nonbinary and at the time I thought I was okay being perceived as a woman. It wasn't until I returned to work a month later and had to face hearing and using my legal name after a year of being called "Gerry" by literally all of my friends that I realized "oh shit I'm miserable"

The picture on the right is me 6 months on T, essentially a year after the one on the left was taken, and legitimately the way I felt in the second pic is just... Night and day to how I felt in the first one. I stopped taking my antidepressants once I started transitioning (with my doctors support) bc lmao I guess being dysphoric 100% of the time makes u SUPER DEPRESSED and when u like? Deal? With the dysphoria? The depression becomes like? Manageable? Who knew.

Anyway, it's weird looking at these pics bc the first one I like... I KNOW that was me, but it's NOT me? The second pic is like "that me!" y'know?

ANYWAY this is my super late TDOV post I meant to post like... On TDOV and also a "hey my transition is going GREAT" type update.

#Gerry's face #Gerry face #my transition #Gerry's transition #My face

[sherlock-is-ace]

hello, welcome to another depressing rant about my mental health and other problems ✌🏻 which thanks to tumblr stopping people (bots) from reblogging this, i can now write in a post and not in the tags

i've been reminded today of the 3(?) times in my life in which people have walked out on me for no discernible reason. And other many times in which my efforts to be a normal sociable person have been either ignored or actively rejected. Or how I've been used by people who tossed me aside the second they didn't need me anymore? And how all of that has made me the overly anxious, socially inept, and antisocial peron i am today...

i mean i should be going to therapy for this but i have no money so tumblr rants will have to do, but like I have two very clear memories of people who I'd consider my best friends, who suddenly stopped talking to me out of absolutely nowhere. I'm sure I have to have done something to them, cause it can happen twice for no reason right? So I guess my guilt issues also come from there, but like I am being 100% honest when I say I have no fucking clue what the fuck did I do.

Once was when I was around 6 or 7 so like, it might have just been kids stuff but it has stuck on me.. I came back to school after the summer, like I had done many times before and my "bestest friend" had suddenly joined the "cool girls group" and fully stopped talking to me, ignored me in the hall and all that kind of stuff. I never got any explanation for it, or when did she became friends with the "cool girls". I was so taken aback, but I moved on (well apparently i haven't lol)

The other was in my last year of highschool, my "best friend", overnight, stopped talking to me without any reason. I did talk to her, and I asked her, she never replied to me. And I don't mean over text or something, I asked her in person, to her face, and she walked away from me without saying a single word. I asked other friends we had in common if they knew what the fuck had happened, and nobody knew. We were like so close too! Like people thought we were dating kind of friendship (and I was presenting as a girl at the time). To this day I still haven't figured out what happened. It was literally over night, or over a weekend actually. I said goodbye to her on Friday, she didn't speak to me on Monday (till the end of the year, and then we graduated and never saw each other again).

The third time is my father walking out on the family, that's a normal and relatable one that I needn't explain lol

And then you have things like the one time where I didn't want to go to a school thing, like sports day? or something like that. The reason being, I'm fat, dysphoric, socially awkward, anxious, and I don't like to be ridiculed for being bad at sports. I wasn't going to go but a friend at the time insisted, she wanted me to go, she was threatening with getting angry if I didn't go, so I fucking went. On the day, teachers who knew I didn't wanna be there, said I could not participate on any of the games I didn't want to (so lovely of them, I think they noticed how fucking anxious I was). So, I avoided any games that caused me major anxiety or dysphoria, but I spent time with my friend who wanted me there, and tried to cheer everyone on. What did my firend said? "you're not paricipating in anything, why did you come then? you should have stayed at home."... oh! what a lovely idea you just had! if only i had occured to me! if only i hadn't been guilted into coming to a thing that made me miserable!!! :D

But anyways, turns out that I'm fucking cursed or something and that's the reason I don't talk to people or I guess put much effort into relationships anymore? And it sucks, but my brain is wired now to not really care because everytime I care I'm hurt, and/or disappointed and/or treated like shit without a reason. Or I guess without an explanation, I'm sure there is a reason... maybe I'm a horrible person to be around, maybe I'm super toxic and I don't even realize it?

And it's sort of a blessing and a curse, because yes, I can't hold a conversation for the life of me, I cry if I have to make or recieve a phonecall, I can't go to a shop and speak to the cashier like a normal person, I have panic attacks on busses... But also, I don't need people? Like I'm perfecly fine being alone in my home without talking to anyone? which made lockdown a piece of cake.

Once again, therapy is what I need, why do i type this online?! lol... anyways, sorry for the vent, it's easily ignored tho

#pls ignore <3 #angel talks #personal #long post

[puppy-loves-pudding]

The fact of being bad at playing videogames gives me so much dysphoria.

I don't really know why, is not like videogames are just for males, but, just knowing that I didn't grow up with video games and that I'm incapable of learning how to be at least not that bad at them makes me feel like shit, like less of the man than I'm supposed to be.

I don't usually play video games because of this, but when I play, the dysphoria hits me because I don't have practice, so again I avoid playing, and it's a circle of shit.

The fact that I have to practice or have to dedicate 20 hours to something that people spend 20 minutes on makes me feel pathetic and dysphoric. It's not even about being a man, it's just about being pathetic.

Fuck, I can't even get through Spring in Stardew Valley because at the end of the season I feel like the money I made isn't enough, that it is a pathetic amount so I create a new game and this repeat the cycle.

I started playing Elden Ring, me, the idiot who only plays Stardew Valley and relaxing cell phone games. Of course this shit is going to make me cry and would make me super dysphoric and I'm probably going to cut myself because I'm pathetic and even small things like these make me just feel like the most miserable piece of shit created ever.

Anyways I hope to get through at least 50% of the game, and not be an idiot who leaves everything aside because I'm a fucking stupid faggot with no patience neither skills. :3

[the-sunroom-system]

🎮🔦🪫💬

yay yay! thanks for the ask hehe <33 we love answering questions

🎮 - what do your alters/headmates do in their free time?

hmmm. very confused rn if skylar is separate from faun or an alternate name i like to go by... but for now i'll just say we're the same alter. SO, i (faun/skylar) like to socialize and write and roleplay. italy likes to socialize, sometimes write self-indulgent stuff, and genuinely he just likes taking care of people, including us. olivia does more of her own thing. she likes poetry and listening to music :3 i think she'd be more into socializing if she wasn't worried her formal typing style would make people uneasy.

still figuring out who exactly is into what. but we've figured out this for us so far <3

🔦 - how did you discover your system?

geez. ok so. back in january 2020 (i think...), we saw videos from multiplicityand me, and really related, but thought DID seemed too magical and severe for us to have, so we brushed it aside. but we had a fictive who's now dormant or fused (not sure), and he uhh... has a very unique gender, and would always feel super dysphoric around the mention of lesbians and wlw. (he is a lesbian / sapphic-aligned but not a girl so that's why the binarism distressed him.) the host back then wasn't attracted to women and would always be confused as FUCK why they particularly felt dysphoric through the eyes of a fictional character towards a gender she wasn't even attracted to. so we asked if there was a term for headmate that isnt exclusive to systems bc ofc we weren't a system, and our friend at the time who had osdd was like "are you sure you aren't a system?" and that is when we started Considering It

🪫 - what do you all do to recharge?

usually absolutely nothing. we just wait it out and hope to stop feeling miserable. but lately Italy has been helping a lot. Sun has also been helping deal with the angrier parts! so it's like, the parts who are in need of a gentler approach get Italy to deal with them. he will talk to them gently and say nice things and be affectionate. the parts who are particularly angry, Italy doesn't really know how to deal with them because they don't take well to his loving approach, so Sun will come out and talk to them more sternly and help them relax. i'm not sure how to describe sun since i kinda have Amnesia for when he comes to front but uh... *thinking* he'll just point out why someone is upset and talk to them gently but firmly. stuff like "you are upset because of this but you cannot run away forever."

maybe sun is also a caretaker at this point 🤔 he's been fronting in the shower along w/ an unnamed angry alter lately and they spend the entire time arguing / bonding. he does have a bad habit of getting onto this alter for swearing & being angry but they're learning to get along.

that isn't exactly what the question is but dkfjhf we don't really know how to recharge honestly we just hope for the best and try to calm down triggered parts to the best of our ability.

💬 - free space!! tell me about something!

umm hmm. i think it was yesterday? a new little came to front and our littles hardly ever come to front. she's around 8 years old but has memories of when we were 10 (i think it's 10). she's an anger holder and trauma holder, too. holds onto internalized feelings of being a bad, bratty child and acts accordingly to that. also she Hates maternal figures. uhh anyway she was pretty upset, then calmed down, then was irritable and cranky once she came into herself, but italy helped her calm down and baked her some sweets to show he cared about her <3 oh and they listened to some music together it was pretty nice.

#i love answering these <33 #ask #toby-du-coeur

[lacefuneral]

i feel like i talk about Having A Beard at least once a month but. ya.

okay so. having a beard makes me feel dysphoric. full stop. i do not like it. stubble? sometimes. i wouldn't want electrolysis on my face because stubble can bring me joy. and i LOVE my sideburns even though i never learned how to style them.

anyway. because of fibro, shaving physically causes me pain. like, the act of moving the razor repeatedly across my skin hurts my wrist. it's not ideal. i also am fatigued most days and do not have the spoons to shave AND also do my other daily tasks like taking meds etc. that are more important. (this is also why i want full-body electrolysis below my neck. shaving is an ordeal that takes multiple hours and results in feeling like i got hit by a truck, but i do it because it lessens my dysphoria and makes me feel happy. but then i also have ingrown hairs so it makes me miserable? and then it just immediately grows back again.)

the result of this is that i spend most of the time with a feature that makes me feel worse about myself. i'm not the type of man that enjoys having one. it makes me feel like i'm overcompensating masculinity - like i am hiding my true self. because i did do that. i did intentionally grow my beard in college. first as an experiment, as a newly-hormone'd trans man, and then i kept letting it grow because i felt it articulated "hey, look at me. i'm just like you."

but nothing feels more liberating to me than to strip that away and be free of it. i feel like i am allowed to be myself.

but because most of the time i can't do that? i often dissociate when look in the mirror. and i sometimes view myself from an outsider's perspective. i'm attracted to men, and i find facial hair hot on other men. so i'll be like "hey. i look hot." and i'll post a selfie of my beard. but it is always, always a coping mechanism. and it's also posturing! it's me saying "hey i know i'm super feminine but don't worry because i can make up for that by pretending to be masculine for a bit." it's so sad.

anyway. here is hoping that someday i win the lottery or something and can afford permanent body hair removal. it is too expensive. and also here is hoping that i find a partner that is willing to occasionally shave my face in a homoerotic manner when i am going through a bad pain/fatigue spell

#jay.rtf

[cdowhy]

 i am going to start out with why I am here..

I was in the psychiatric hospital not too long ago for suicidal thoughts and depression with psychosis. I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

For those of you who don't know, OCD is a lot more than just needing everything cleaned and organized. It's an exhausting disorder and has many different symptoms.  I have several subtypes of ocd and one of them is called harm ocd. I have gory images in my head of myself and those I love. I will pray to God and then doubt him in the same couple of minutes (its not really me who doubts him but more so the intrusive thoughts in my head.) I can't drive a car as I think I am going to run someone over or drive myself off a bridge.

My head literally never shuts up - ever.

And PMDD is EXTREME PMS.  I am allergic to my own hormones (it's an autoimmune issue) so basically my hormones attack my immune system and this happens around ovulation and period time... on top of having the hormone issue which causes itchy skin headaches allergy and cold symptoms, I have PMDD. with PMDD you often get misdiagnosed as having bipolar because your mood swings are so bad. Extreme irritability, depression, suicidal. With super bad cramps, migraines and painful periods as well.  Both of these disorders start around ovulation so from ovulation to like around day 2 of my period (so about 2 weeks out the month) I am MISERABLE.  physically AND mentally. 

I also got a brain scan done and found out I have something different with my cerebellum which can cause psychiatric disorders and medications aren't likely to help... I've been on&off antidepressants and antipsychotics for a while with no relief. 

Fast forward to this week... I've had about the worst week I've had in a while. My poor kids and husband are usually my target and even though I try to keep my cool I get absolutely NO break. I am a stay-at-home mom right now and I just can't handle having to be around people 24/7... the sounds the fighting the constant needing me for stuff drives me nuts... and this past summer was horrible.. 

Yesterday, August 23rd 2022, I had a plan to kill myself. I really don't see any other way out.. I am pretty useless, and just not OK to be around anybody. No meds help me and I don't see why I am still here. I honestly feel like nothing is going to get better and I hate myself for how I treat people and especially my family but its like I can't stop it.

I had an appointment with my therapist and she understands my frustrations but thinks she will have to end up putting me back in the psych hospital and for a longer visit with the way my thoughts are heading. But we talked and she asked what I wanted for my life- I will say when I was in high school I DID HORRIBLE.  Failed all my classes, I couldn't understand anything. I dropped out and got my GED and barely passed for that. But I wanted to be a journalist. I love love love writing,  journalism, photography.  I did not want kids but ended up being a teen mom. I have 3 kids and their dad and I have been together since I was 16. (27 now)

So since I wanted to get into journalism, she pointed me here.. Tumblr, tiktok, YouTube  etc just to start sharing my story, start writing, photography etc. I agreed I'd give it a shot and see where things go. I guess she thinks I need passion again and I was always passionate about writing. So here I am, starting a blog. Gonna be writing daily just to treat it as my own journal... day one of trying to figure my life out from here... August 24th 2022

#self improvement #self help

[itsjaywalkers]

As the person asking for the reg nsfw headcanons (I pinky promise it’s me) I was thinking interviewer reg, but honestly anything works :)

i actually got two of these nonnie so . now i'm conflicted.. who's the original one huh..

but it's fine bc i'm nice like that and i love talking about my silly lil miserable guy (regulus) so !! sure u can have some interviewer reg nsfw hcs !! i love calling them hcs as i'm not the author lmao

like i've already mentioned, he isn't super sexually active!! he does have some casual sex sometimes, to relieve stress and simply bc he enjoys it, but he's a very busy man (and fairly well-known too) so he's gotta be careful + has other priorities

regardless, he's a bit of a menace in bed

he knows what he wants and what he likes, and he's usually very confident in bed (apart of when he gets like . dysphoric yk) (which fortunately doesn't happen that often anymore)

he usually prefers anal not only bc he genuinely likes it but also . bc he isn't always comfy using with his front hole with ppl he doesn't trust/isn't close with, and it's easier to just go for anal sex rather than going for his front hole just to realise that he isn't really feeling it and having to bring it up to his one night stand

this is different with james obviously!! not bc he has feelings, we all know that at the beginning is mere attraction, but bc he knows him

when they begin hooking up they're kinda close and despite how reg insists he can't stand him, there's some trust between them and james doesn't feel like stranger!!

that being said, they also have anal sex ofc

like james, reg is also very switchy, but unlike him, he's very aware that he likes both, having control + relinquinshing it AND both topping and bottoming

he's kinda topped almost as much as he's bottomed tbh. but then again, he doesn't sleep around THAT often

he's veryyyy into spanking, both giving and receiving (impact play in general tbh)

tends to get quite loud

kinda into exhibitionism + vouyeurism but he didn't really know until james, bc again, he tends to be very discreet about his sex life, and never has it in outrageous places

the most public setting for him has been a cheeky blowjob in a club's toilets (again, until james)

isn't usually fond of pet names outside of sex but digs them when he's very horny (there's a shift in how he feels when james uses them once they start hooking up + when they begin dating)

loves to get choked during sex (also enjoys doing the choking, but prefers receiving)

more into hickeys and bruises than he'd like to admit but since his job doesn't allow to have these kinds of marks on display, he tends to not indulge in it, and always tells his partners to not leave anything on his skin

has toyed with bondage before, but nothing too intense or complicated

very into overstimulation

dacryphilia!! which he discovers thanks to james, when he begins topping him and makes him sob into the matress for the first time

has never seen the appeal of sex tapes or nudes and he's still not that much of a fan once he gets with james BUT they're both quite filthy and the thrill kinda does something to him + he likes watching himself and james have sex

as insatiable as james, gets horny easily but is a lot better at hiding it

praise kink!! and humiliation kink!! leans more towards the former tho

enjoys degrading james immensely

and we're gonna leave it there for now <3

#asks #anons #boxer james agenda #regulus black

[feluka]

-

#vent in tags #ed tw #man having an ed and gender dysphoria really is a deadly combination huh #it's a never ending vicious cycle of this: #1- fatphobia promoting the generalised image of nonbinary people as 'young white super skinny perfectly androgynous person' #2- me feeling severely dysphoric about having a feminine/''curvy'' body #3- people in the streets reading me as male more often every time i lose weight #4- that weight is always lost very unhealthily and due to disordered eating and depression #5- me feeling very unhappy about where i'm at and seeking relief and help online #6- all that 'validation' and 'positivity' is comprised of variation of the same tired 'no haha youre still so hot!!' #'even when you're thick and curvy!!! boys are into that!! curvy women are sexy!!' #7- my dysphoria intensifies #8-nobody wins #i'm not looking to say something clever here. people far more eloquent than me have already spoken about this #about how the body positivity movement being centred on being sexually attractive has failed so many people #and i know i should be seeking therapy and that i shouldn't expect anything helpful on this hellsite or any other #i know i know. i'm just miserable because that option isn't available for me. #im just tired and stressed and venting #(not to mention very very hungry) #also don't worry the ed vents wont become a regular thing. not gonna subject yall to that lol