#also these keep getting so much longer lmao

[obae-me]

Omg Hi!!! It has been so long since I have seen you on my dash! How are you doing love? I hope you are doing super well ^.^ I recently saw your Mc with trauma post. I loved it so much, and it has also given me a lot to mull over the past few days lol.

Honestly I love the idea of a traumatized Mc and the brothers feeling like absolute shit for the way they treated them in the beginning... but yk another part of me wonders when I imagine my own traumas in that scenario... that for people (the bros- literal demons) who have faced so many things and traumas in their own lives, whether my feelings or pain is even comparable to that. Ik you can't compare things like that and the brothers would probably even be mad if I think of my feelings this way since it's the "Ohhhh someone always has it worse. It's not even that bad so just suck it up" self-deprecating part of me. Despite knowing ALL THAT I can't help but think that I am not traumatized enough to deserve empathy lmao (I realize how stupid it sounds saying it out loud).

So that is what REALLY got me thinking. What about an Mc that is genuinely terrified of scrutiny, being a nuisance and just basically inconveniencing anyone for things that are just basic needs. Idk if I am explaining it well enough oof and a mc like that (like me lmao) certainly won't bode well with Lucifer. Atleast not in the beginning. I could hate him (I could never but if I did) but still be terrified of disappointing him. This is what I mean when I say I love him but he reminds me too much of my father habits wise 🤢.

I am thinking a Mc who is afraid of asking even their basic needs at the beginning once Lucifer mumbled about them being too much trouble. Mc who feels so extremely guilty when the brothers get anything for them, cuz they feel like they have to work for it or they don't deserve it. Mc whose blood freezes over when they break something and try to replace it as quick as possible so no one blames them. Mc who never expresses their concerns so as to not add to the brothers' already full plates or worry them. It hurts to bottle it all up but seeing the brothers' concerned faces with so much PITY is a thousand times worse. Mc who never complains and adjusts to even unfair situations so as to not be a bother. Mc who just takes, takes and takes everything bad and doesn't say a word cuz they feel like they deserve it. Mc who tells little white lies to hide their flaws and be the perfect exchange student and avoid scoldings and criticisms ; only to stew in shame, disgust, self-loathing when someone eventually catches up on one of the lies (the person probably didn't even make a big deal of it/ was only mildly disappointed but Mc feels their heart breaking in two as they think they have broken their trust forever and would never be trusted again)

Gosh this got way longer than I was expecting >.< and a lot of signs like these aren't really obvious until you are close to that person. I think so many of us are so hard and rutheless to ourselves when sometimes the thing we need the most is a little compassion and understanding ;-;

Hi! I love seeing you in my inbox and thank you! I've been in recovery mode for the last few months but am finally coming back out of that cave and working on my hobbies again (seriously going too long without writing almost feels like going without food for me)! I hope you've been doing well too!

And oof, yes, I understand what you're saying completely. I'm like that too in a lot of ways, keeping certain details or complaints to myself because "Oh surely what I've been to is really nothing". And sometimes I let something slip and people get very concerned. Which is validating in a way, not that I need to be validated for it, everyone goes through their own pain and awful things SUCK no matter to what extent it is and I've had to learn that through my life.

(Wow that MC really is just me, huh? Calling me out are you? /j)

Honestly this type of MC is just canon to me. (I mean, the more pithy responses the MC has in original OM might just be due to writing but to me it just seems like the calm and general response of someone throwing out NPC answers as a survival tactic.)

They suck things up and soak up everything that's been said to them and work hard to remain a normal functioning being.

And of course Lucifer is an interesting character to think about with this MC because on one hand the human could absolutely despise him for the way he treats them. Or on the other hand (if you're like me I guess, which I realize is hella unhealthy, oops) the MC could look up to him and work extra hard to try to gain his validation, because getting praise from someone like that means you must not be a failure, right?

And just...the dynamic of that is so appealing to me, because Lucifer loves when people work hard and do what they're told, but then if he finally comes to the realization that they're burning out and actually almost putting themselves in more danger and harm because of HIM? And at the end of the day he's doing more damage than any of his chaotic brothers? (I like to have him spiral and be humbled just a bit)

Just all of the brothers doing some deep introspection once they come to care for MC and needing to sit down and realize that probably made their human feel so much worse and then spending the rest of eternity trying to fix that. And then the "I can fix him" mentality from MC turns into the "I can fix them" from every other character. A special Uno Reverse, if you will.

Oops, this turned into a fairly long ramble of my own...

Thanks for popping into my inbox with your thoughts! Traumatized MC deserves some extreme love

#not writing #asks

[half-bakedboy]

Number 2 from the 50 cliché tropes and prompts

Your shirt/jumper was in the laundry pile and I couldn't help but steal it

Buck never understood why he had lost so many sweatshirts and button-downs to past girlfriends. Nine times out of ten, they didn't even remotely fit their figure and they were only worn in the comfort of Buck's home anyways. 

Then he started staying over Tommy's house more and more. He'd always come prepared–an overnight bag filled with an extra LAFD shirt, a pair of jeans, a pair of chinos, and two shirts, one with a collar and one without–just in case he needed to rush out in the morning. 

This morning, he isn’t quite as prepared as he wishes he had been. Tommy’s in the shower after sleepily kissing Buck good morning and Buck promised he’d run Hercules–Tommy’s ten-year-old retired racing greyhound–outside before Tommy dropped Buck off at work. Thunder crashes outside and rain pounds on the roof, and Buck didn’t even think to bring a jacket. 

He looks around the bedroom closet, careful not to invade the private space too much, but he doesn’t see anything that might help. He knows there’s an umbrella waiting beside the door, but he’s already shivering from the chill sneaking in through the closed windows and Buck knows he’ll need something to protect his skin. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a pullover laid neatly on top of the laundry pile. It’s similar to his LAFD one, but a lighter blue that matches Tommy’s on-duty uniform. It won’t keep him dry, but it’ll keep him warm and keep the water off of his skin which is all he has time to care about. He snatches it up and shouts to Tommy that he’s taking the dog outside even though he’s not sure he’s heard. 

Before he gets too far, Buck pauses to get the pullover on. The first thing he notices is how much bigger it is on him. He’s not a small guy by any means, and he’s not much smaller than Tommy–at least he thinks–but there’s so much extra fabric that he has to bundle it up at his waist. He can also tell that the back doesn’t stretch taut against his shoulder blades and that the neckline slouches a little in the front. 

It’s strange to wear something so unfit for him, but at the same time, Buck can’t help but feel giddy. He glances at himself in the mirror and feels small, but not in the way he usually does. It doesn’t make him feel inconsequential or overlooked, but like he’s protected and well-loved. It stirs inside of his stomach until the joy begins to bubble in his chest. 

He notices that Tommy’s name is embroidered just over his heart, and he brings his fingers there to trace over the lettering. It takes everything in him not to whisper his name combined with Tommy’s last and he wonders if this was how his old girlfriends felt when they stole his LAFD shirts that had his name brazen on the back. 

Where he expected to be a bit embarrassed at the claiming nature of it all, he can’t help but feel… powerful. Yeah, there’s something powerful about wearing someone else's name, like he’s screaming to the world that Tommy is off-limits because he’s Buck’s. 

He’s Buck’s. 

He’s too busy thinking about what exactly that means for him to hear the bathroom door open and a freshly showered and shaved Tommy emerge. Another figure beside Buck’s reflection startles him but Tommy’s reassuring hands slide around his waist. It’s strange how normal it feels to have strong, long arms wrapped around him and a broad chest waiting to hold him up as he leans back against it. 

“You’re wet,” Buck says, feeling the dampness on Tommy’s unclothed chest. He’s in sweatpants like he’s ready to lounge around for the day, but the bare skin of his upper body is clearly on display where Buck’s body isn’t hiding it. He wants to pull away just so he can take another peek. 

Tommy doesn’t seem to notice nor care that Buck is analyzing them because he’s too busy doing the same. There’s something in his eyes, though, that sends an eruption of warmth to Buck’s face. Tommy tugs at the extra fabric at Buck’s waist like he’s having the same realization as Buck did, and then he slides one hand up Buck’s chest to trace his name. He whispers each letter like a secret into Buck’s ear, piercing eyes never leaving Buck’s in the mirror. 

Buck shivers, pressing back against Tommy and leaning his head back so that it plops on Tommy’s shoulder comfortably. Tommy finishes his name before dragging a finger to the neckline of the pullover and letting it hang there like a weight that keeps Buck grounded.

“You’re wearing my jumper,” Tommy points out like he doesn’t already know. Buck suddenly feels anxious, like he’s made a horrible mistake, and stands back up straight. He turns to look at Tommy as he speaks. 

“Is that okay? I didn’t bring a jacket so I figured—” 

Tommy kisses him before he can finish, and Buck can only hope it becomes a pattern. 

It’s just as soft as their first kiss and every kiss they’ve shared since then, but it grows in passion second by second. Tommy is gripping the fabric at Buck’s waist like he’s deciding whether he wants to pull it over Buck’s head or leave it on his forever. Buck holds his naked shoulders, palms sliding down the hard planes of his chest then his abs, before sliding underneath the waistband of his sweatpants. 

When a cold nose hits his hand, Buck jumps back, out of breath and startled. Hercules is staring up at them like he’s let them have their fun and he’s done waiting to go outside. Tommy swipes at his face as he chuckles and Buck leans down to pat Herc’s head. 

“I’m sorry, Buddy. Am I stealing all of your dad’s attention?” Buck coos, and he can almost hear Tommy’s good-natured eye roll. 

“Well, if Evan here is done distracting me, I’m sure he’d be more than happy to take you outside, huh?” 

“Oh, if Evan is done distracting you? Like you didn’t just walk out of the shower half-naked and damp and looking like you wanted to drop to your kn–” Buck inhales deeply when Tommy glances down then back up and raises his eyebrows. “Alright, I’m out of here. Be right back,” he promises, pressing one last kiss to Tommy’s reddened lips. 

“Mhm,” Tommy hums, watching him start to walk away. 

“Do you want your pullover back?” Buck asks, because he figures that’s what he would’ve wanted to be asked. 

“As far as I’m concerned, it’s yours now.”

It sounds a lot like I’m yours now, but Buck doesn’t dare ask. Instead, he takes Hercules out, ignoring the storm rumbling above him, and strokes his thumb distractingly against Tommy’s name over his heart. He guesses he’s Tommy’s now, too.

(now on ao3)

#911 on abc #bucktommy #kinley #kinkley #evan buckley #tommy kinard #answered #ficlets #my writing #anonymous #911 spoilers #please im actually dying of how soft this is #also i now headcanon that tommy owns a dog #and his name is hercules #and hes an elderly greyhound who used to be a racing dog #thats just what it is now #thanks so much for sending me this prompt 🥺 #also these keep getting so much longer lmao #the feelings are just too intense now #long post

[buglaur]

calloway family reunion ✧

#ts4 #sims 4 #I HAD A BLAST DOING THIS #the amount of lore i have for these guys swimming around in my head #too bad i don't know how to logically get it out of my brain #i'm gone now though bye see you in march #unless i spontaneously drop out of school because i can't take this much longer #will answer asks when i get back sorry to keep u waiting #ily 👋 #also #top row cillian and cathal you know them #row 2 felicity daithí's daughter and margot felicity's mother #row 3 the twins aunt róisín and their sister who's name i can't remember i'm so sorry LMAO #and finally their mom muireann i LOVE HER #i would like to do a part 2 with the dad n uncles and the twin's other sisters #but they don't fit the prompts and i don't have time!!! #i also really want to make a family tree but plumtree sucks #gonna have to just make one in photoshop #ts4 cas #goodnight it's almost 1am

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Not much has been shared yet for the Nicky day of the week which has me thinking that *I* wanna draw a Nicky to share but... That would require... Drawing and... Liking what I draw...

#I should draw though it's been a minute #I wanna draw Sparrow too... maybe even a demon Sparrow... #:/ But unfortunately to get better at art you gotta make more of the art #And it's hard for me to not get discouraged very quickly #And I'm always so embarrassed when I do share my drawings lmao #That's why I don't use an art tag- don't want people finding that shit lmao #Props to gigi though for scavenging my blog like a raccoon for an oldish glenn sketch that one time tho LMAO #She earned that #:0 I still mostly like that Nicky I have as my banner but I feel like I've never been as pleased with a drawing I've done of him since #Oh Cal if you're reading this- you were talking the other day about wishing you were more of a writer to express what visual art can't #And I *totally* felt that from the opposite end LOL #(I do get insecure about my writing but like not as much) like ''THIS WOULDN'T WORK AS A FIC THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A 4 PANEL COMIC" #Or just like ''I want to *show* you this character design'' not idk. Write about it. #Also I can keep my attention drawing for much longer than writing lol- writing fiction anyways #Man. ANYWAYS.

[skyeateyourdonuts]

weeoo

#this is gonna be me talking in tags today #ive been rather sleep deprived lately trying to keep up with everything around me #and its been taking a toll on my health like #if i go too long like this i tend to feel more lethargic and my allergies kick in #i got a sore throat bc my room has been Freezing and then i get headaches way way easier #often times my face will flush but its just my nose and idk why #well anyways lmao i just aint feelin great due to lack of sleep #so i emailed my teachers and stayed home and others might say this wasnt it #but i can barely get to sleep at all these days and just bed ridding myself #seemed like the only way for my body to be like #'fine 🙄 u can sleep' lmao #thats actually one of the worst symptoms is im restless i just Cant grt to sleep no matter how hard i try #ive had a couple days where i was running on 2-3 hours bc i spent even longer Laying there #anyways i hope this makes a difference im tired of feeling tired and shitty #luckily my mood has weirdly been high #its just my sleep and health that are low #i think when the sleepiest soldiers are unable to get sleep thats when u know smths wrong #i think also so much is happening and me trying to keep up is taking more outta me than i expected #im a gal who gets overwhelmed easily even if im happy w whats happening lmao #tho im not Happy im more In a Good Mood lmao #side tangent but i HATE being an adult who doesnt have like idk Help lmao #like my dad was so nice to me sometimes and helped me sometimes #i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted #and hed qake me up and ask me when i last ate and if i couldnt decide but itd been too long #hed make smth for the both pf us or hed make it For me and id just be able to like recover lmao #ah adulthood is hard lmao #alright im done #gata #no need to read <3 yall

[iridescentis]

2, 10 and 17 for Soy Luna! :)

2. Favourite fic

Oooh that was a difficult one, I had to go back and look through the ao3 tag to remember which ones I've read because it's been a while! I think my first favourites were To Court a Goddess and This Too, Too Solid Flesh (the angst is just so good oh my god) but my first thought is always the LoveFriendship square idk it's just the perfect vibes

10. Fic I haven't read but want to

Literally all of them I'm so behind, but I've been meaning to read Memories of Time for so long, I barely started it ages ago and I just haven't got back to it

17. A take I didn't think about before but agree with

hmm I'm not sure? I can't really remember anything specific I don't think, but a lot of the headcanons for families and stuff I think are spot on, especially like who's an only child, who had a big family etc.

#you guys write SO MUCH it's hard to keep up #my to read list for fics is almost longer than my to watch list 😭 #i specifically remember MOT because I read a chapter or two and really enjoyed it but 100k words is still slightly daunting lmao #i promise i will get around to it #eventually #also kind of want to answer all of the questions ngl #i have so many Thoughts

[orcelito]

Another morning another day

I've been thinking a lot about going to the animal shelter

#speculation nation #there r many cats there and i have an aching spot available for one #passively thinking about getting a kitten. just bc id enjoy getting to raise a cat for once #and i think tally would be a good big sister given how much she groomed cassy #at the same time tho i wanna adopt a cat that might not otherwise be adopted so quickly. aka an adult cat #& also like with tally. i very purposefully picked out the loud black cat bc everyone was passing her up #but she was YELLINGGG at me from the cage. and i was like 'oh alright' and took her home #and now shes my sweet darling girl. she just needed like a year to chill out so she is no longer a chaos demon lmao #it's also hard to know what youre getting with a kitten. and it's a lot of resposibility. so like. idk. #but also. Kitten Cute... 🥺 #i'll have to see what they have when i go there. still not happening for at least a few more days. #it feels too soon rn. but im thinking about this all to cope lol. i hate having only one cat. #i keep wanting to go out to greet Cat Number 2 in the living room. but. nope. so i go back to greet tally on my bed #she's a loving cat but she does Not like to be smothered. and im kind of smothering her lmao #that's another reason to get a 2nd cat. yes i want tally to have company when im gone at work #but also i need a second cat that is very affectionate bc I Want My Hugs And Kisses Dammit #idk when im getting his ashes back. probably somewhat soon. id estimate tomorrow? they were rly quick with sammy's #idk what im gonna do if they call while im at work lol. cry probably. #tho i havent cried in almost a full day!! been like 22 hours. i have been Trying to cope. mixed results. #ah well. c'est la vie and all that shit. #animal death ment/

[screamingay]

the bond between a girl and his beat up shitty old first car is truly so special

#ive been talking about getting a new one for a while now but now that it's really happening i cant stop thinking about how hard it'll be #to say goodbye :(( #ive had her since high school and ive done so much in here. we've been through so much together #im legit gonna need a full day alone with her not only bc thats how long itll take to pack up all the shit i keep in here #but also bc i need some emotional closure yknow #six years with my old girl :') #shes so overdue on inspection bc the check engine light doesnt even turn off anymore for longer than like a couple hours #and she hasnt always turned on at first but she always gets there eventually <3 #ive even fucked in here a few times! i mean ive jerked off in it plenty but i was so excited when i realized i could actually have sex in my #first car (i thought it would never happen lmao)

[cactusdodes]

.

#also i've finally deleted L's number from my phone and the sad spotify playlist and the list of her fav things #(also i feel like saying list of her fav things sounds weird and creepy. just to clarify i keep a running list for each of my friends with #like important info and their fav food and coffee order and stuff like that because i have a really bad memory and can't always remember #details like that even though i really care. i just have trouble recalling details when i want to get them treats and stuff) #but anyway.. i deleted all that stuff from my phone. i even charged my old phone so that i could delete her number from there too. i want to #let her go. i've moved on so long ago but for some reason i just haven't been able to fully let her go so i've held onto these little things #but i'm finally ready to fully let her go #so i deleted that stuff. i cut that connection. i no longer have her number. and it feels so good #like that tiny part of me holding on is a little sad. but it's more mourning the loss of what could've been #but i've accepted that it doesn't matter. i can't keep thinking about what would've happened if she hadn't moved or if i'd reached out #sooner when she got back. i can wonder and wonder but i'll never be able to go back in the past. i don't need to wonder anymore #because honestly i don't even want to be with her anymore.. it would kind of be embarrassing. idk i was just such a different person when we #were seeing each other. i feel like a completely different person than that and idk it's almost embarrassing that she knew me like that when #i know how much better i am now. like i just truly like myself more now than then. i'm so much cooler now lmao #but yeah. i don't want her anymore. i'm letting go. i can finally actually let go and it feels so good #and not only for me but like i'll no longer have that tiny layer of guilt when dating anybody else #and i'll be able to actually fully be all in for that person and that's what i want #i don't want to hold out for her anymore #and honestly. i hadn't been while dating N #that's a whole other thing i have to deal with #but i'm just glad that i'm no longer holding onto L. i just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me :) #blake says shit

[bilestat]

the silent realms in skyward sword have no business being as nerve wracking as they are

#this game is taking me so much longer than the others #not in hours but in months #because i keep putting it off for weeks at a time #also i suck so bad at the controls #thankfully i've had an easier time lately but my god lmao #anyway!! i'm inching closer to the end #i got nayru's silent realm on the first try and yes i had to watch a video of someone else doing it #because farore's silent realm took multiple tries and i was so frustrated i almost cried #personal #i might finally play persona 4 when i finish it #and then probably finally accept i'm never getting wind waker and twilight princess hd for switch #so i'll bring out my gamecube and wii and finally play those #begging atlus to put p3r on switch like PLEASE 🙏 #yes i played persona 3 for the (muffled speaking) time earlier this year yes i'm dying to play it again already #and i'm so used to my switch pro controller that i struggled with my ps4 controller when i started tlou (which i never got back to rip) #which means i will probably just get persona 5 royal on switch for christmas instead of playing the vanilla version i already own for ps4 #courtney plays zelda

[infected-paul]

.

#ali.vent #ali.txt #also feel like all my mutals no longer care and yeas absolutely its my fault i keep distancing myself and i dont interact much #and i also dont really share any fandoms with any of them and even if i did i dont get active in fandoms bc its always one of the most toxi #isolating environments for me #and maybe thats my fault probably actually #but i dont get it. #do i deserve this. #like honestly i feel so alone and trapped no one cares!!!!!!!!!!!! and if they do it sure doenst look like it !!!!!! #lmao anyway kmsing!!!!

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Didn't get the job I interviewed for last week

What a shocker

#literally the only interview ive gotten since I started searching for jobs again #at this rate im gonna have to get a job at the local grocery store and quit my current job #because i can't handle the BS there much longer and im not paid nearly enough #im just so fuckin tired and done and its like #how much more do i need on my resume before im considered qualified for an entry level position??? #i have two fuckin degrees and i make less than 15k a year lmao #im so fuckin sick of it all #i hate how my inability to even warrant an interview 99% of the time makes me feel like a failing waste of space and a burden on my family #it feels like ive gone nowhere but in circles this last decade #except ive got chronic illnesses and more debt now #fuckin hell #fox thoughts #fox is tired #fox is job hunting #i don't have the energy to put out application after application only to get one response for every 25 applications #like ive seen people be like i applied to over 500 jobs in the last 6 months and i finally landed my dream job! just keep trying! #like fuck off #for one thing im lucky to find 5 full-time job openings in two months in my field #i CANT apply to 500 jobs #also i just. cant. i cant ok? i don't have the energy or endurance or fortitude or anything like that to apply that many times #and be met with 479 lack of responses and 21 interviews to get a single offer #something something something the corporate society in the Murderbot diaries #were people sell themselves to corporations to work until they die as slaves #is already fuckin here ok #fuck #gonna go stare into the distance and listen to ASR again and try not to cry

[reenaria]

currently having a queer identity crisis on this accursed holiday

#but actually. i’ve realized that like. 95% or more of my attraction to men has been comphet #i thought it wasn’t because i’ve been more or less identifying as bi since i was 11 #so like. i figured if i didn’t like men at all i would’ve figured it out sooner? #it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i resolved to stop dating straight & masculine guys because i feel like i’m performing for them #and my current partner of 2.5 years is amab and socially perceived as a man but he’s bi and sees himself as ‘void of gender’ #which is also the way i see him but not the way most people see him #he does get mistaken for a woman a fair ammount though. which brings us both a lot of joy lol #but anyway. my crisis is that i’ve been feeling more and more detached from the bi label because i feel like it implies attraction to men #and i’ve known for a little while now that i’m almost exclusively attracted to femininity and androgyny #and primarily attracted to women in general #like if i weren’t with my partner i would 100% be out there dating women and maybe? identifying as a lesbian #but i feel like i have no claim to that label especially with my current partner who is not a woman and is much more androgynous than fem #idk. do i keep calling myself bi? it feels like i’ve slipped away from it #i’ve been using queer a lot more lately because umbrella terms are the only thing that seem to make sense to me anymore #i know labels can be super complicated and unhelpful in some cases but i also want to know where my place is in the community ya know? #i feel so confused without a solid label and it’s causing me a lot more stress than it should #(also my partner is such a blessing and said he’d be supportive if i ever felt i needed to leave him to be with women) #(like he said ‘i’d be sad for a while but i’d still be your best friend) and i was just 🥺 #this may be even longer than my last tag novel lmao i just hate the idea of putting this stuff in the body of the post #anyway if any pals/mutuals read all that and have any insight or advice i’d be curious to hear #reena.txt

[goldkirk]

Hey in case anyone is struggling with the same thing, here’s something I worked out recently while journaling.

tw for threatening/shaming about dental hygiene, mention of self harm, vaguely mentioned privacy violations, and medical procedure/anesthesia mentions, and me doing a LOT of trauma dumping

I have mental and physical disabilities which I am continually avoiding getting care for and most urgently out of that I’ve had untreated cavities and a root canal that I’ve known about for over a year plus rapidly moving teeth plus impacted wisdom teeth that need to come out, and that’s a problem. I KNOW it’s bad to keep putting it off but I can’t ask for help and I can’t get it done BECAUSE

- I am terrified of what medical people will say and do

- I have zero trust that I won’t feel things while numbed because I always did before after a while

- my sensory issues are so high sometimes I repeatedly gag just while trying to brush my teeth, not even get super far back

- my jaw is prone to pain and strains and partial dislocation and my teeth are prone to feeling wobbly and bruised and I hate both

- I was shamed and guilted and threatened about oral hygiene for a long time

- I was lectured by medical people even after trying to explain that I was so depressed and adhd and scared about that a i wasn’t even sleeping or eating or doing hobbies or doing school/work a lot of the time, so it was really difficult for me to even remember I should do hygiene for teeth because I was forgetting that I even need food or water or time outside of a building and that made me feel even more ashamed

- the one time I went to talk to the endodontist about getting the root canal, he didn’t let me chat, he didn’t take my nerves and guilt seriously, he pressed a cold thing to my teeth until it got to the the root canal one and hurt like crazy—without telling me why he was doing it or warning me it would hurt if I needed a root canal, and didn’t sympathize when I started crying involuntarily after he told me they’d need to do a root canal and I needed to just have better brushing and flossing that was the only answer, and then tossed me out to the front desk and left

- I have to be minimally sedated for the root canal because otherwise I will literally fuck up my vitals and jaw joints guaranteed but I can’t afford even light sedation much less anything useful

- but also, most importantly, what I just realized this week:

I was in hospitals with family members for years watching them get procedures and surgeries and from age 8 onward seeing people helpless and out of their usual minds after surgeries and saying stuff. And I lived in FEAR for SEVERAL years of ever having to get twilight or full sedation not because of needing it or of pain but because I felt that if I woke up from it:

- my mom at least would be there no matter what because that’s how things go it’s what we do

- I didn’t know what my brain would think about after sedation

- I know people talk about things after sedation

- I had a lot of secrets that i felt sure would get me in massive trouble at best and months to years of lectures, “spiritual direction”, and punishments/restrictions at best

- and I felt like there was no protection from me saying something after sedation that implicated me in liking stories I shouldn’t or saying a cuss word or mentioning I knew someone who was lgbt or something about self harming or something about sneaking on the internet in different ways to read the U by Kotex website articles and tumblr and stuff when I was supposed to only have access to school things

- etc etc

So basically, my brain trained for years that “any medical sedation could lead to you not only being helpless but also lead to you ruining your life and doing the emotional and mental equivalent of being murdered and having the only remaining not-miserable things taken away and having everyone disgusted with you and being constantly a target forever after that”

and so on top of the 1) previous painful cavity filling experiences, 2) my complete lack of privacy or autonomy (including preemptive warnings, explanations, or asking if something was okay) during doctor visits till after age 18, 3) uncomfortable scenarios with not being warned about things medically until they were happening partway through a treatment or exam, 4) lots of times seeing family members have scary altered consciousness or bad complications after procedures, 5) being shamed and terrified into hating my own teeth and avoiding dental hygiene from the stress, and 6) being taught I didn’t own my body and it was a threat and a dangerous temptation so I stopped identifying with it and hated having it and tried to just not care about it, I’m actually so conditioned to feel like after-procedure-times are actually a risk to my life and safety that it only makes sense some really desperate versions of me are trying to make sure this doesn’t happen no matter how extra ashamed I get or how much I’m risking dental and other health and how much worse I’m making everything by letting the tooth rot grow.

I don’t know what to DO about this yet, since I haven’t gotten to a place where I can tell or trust any adult or friend enough to ask them to help or anything, and I’m an adult so I HAVE to handle things myself legally, and I can’t even convince myself to get a psychiatrist or a physical therapist or even tell my new PCP anything that’s wrong with me EVEN THOUGH I DID THE NEW PATIENT VISIT SPECIFICALLY SO I COULD START GETTING MEDICAL CARE…

…but I’m going to not allow myself to be angry with myself and I’m going to try to be ready to jump on the chance when I do feel able to take a leap about this and just get it done no matter how much debt I have to add on to my pile

#because I’m told tooth stuf just gets worse the longer you leave it #and stuff gets more expensive #i already can’t afford a root canal or crown #much less the other cavities #much less the wisdom teeth general anesthesia surgery #but it’s going to be worse if I don’t #so I’m working on it #I’ve been shamed enough I don’t need to keep doing it to myself too #if I thought I might die or be rejected or be abandoned because of anesthesia I’d avoid it like a panicked ferret too #need to practice not being mad at that #health #personal #trauma #tw: self harm #tw: medical #I’d be safe with RJ #my brain trusts her because she WAS the only safe truly and she’s always known my secrets #but unfortunately we’re like >2000 miles apart and also wrangling a traumatized adult through medical mazes is not on anyone’s job descript #ion except maybe really dedicated and over-giving therapists lmao

[roachemoji]

big talky !!!

#bo posting #talky #sorey i just beed a place to ramble and also no one like ask me follow ups or give me advice djdjjd #just!!!! into the void!!!! #im being taken off prozac bc holy fucking shit #my dr is a bamf and very understanding of my position on being suicidal #which is like i am but i dont WANT to be #like its annoying #being suicidal is annoying #like girl i GET IT !!!!!!!!! but what else do you got????? #like anything productive???? no???? then shut up #so were no longer gonna be on an SSRI #uhm yeah #so i have a detailed plan i have to follow and fill out every day to monitor my drugs #which is in my journal that i love and i want to get more stickers for #:( but i cant afford much rn #which sucks #thats. for another time tho lmao #im so burnt out and depressed i hope thid helps bc wow #its never been this bad!!!! and i cant keep pushing through with another SSRI knowing itll do nothing

[sylhea-raemi]

yknow what's funny when it's samatoki with the teen trio (ichinemukuu) he gives off older brother vibe but when it's sasara he feels like a dad or an uncle LMAO😭

#i may have modified sasara too much in my mind 😭😭😭😭😭 #like it's just funny samatoki is canonically an older brother and ichikuu sees him as not only an equal comrade but also nemu's brother #so in their mind he js an older brother #sasara however does not have any siblings and truthfully acts sillier than samatoki #but with how sasara keeps everyone under control is like a parent yelling at their child #when they're the one calling out sasara it's always about his jokes and how ass they arw. it's always about how weird he is as he act silly #but when it's sasara dealing with them it's always when they're in trouble or in a bizzare situation LMAO #he's mostly dealing with samatoki but there's also kuko's chaoticness. we don't see much of sasara and ichiro but with how reckless ichiro #used to be back then sasara's also bound to have a headache LMAO #nemu is his favorite child just because thwy get along really well whenever they meet #that's bevause they rarely meet and when they do it's a short time #of they're with each other for like #longer than a week? or everytime? they'd definitely argue about something lmao😭 #saneyoku au sasara can't say he have someone he get a long best with someone because he gets along with everyone on a fair amount #but all of them are equally a headache to him LOL but still in this au i want him to care so much more..... someone who was a lonely child #with a broken family- now is in a group where he genuinely cares about these kids as if they're his family #i am quite basically modifying stuff foe the sake of self-indulgent #smcd is so fun and i still love them so dearly #but the snyk in my head will not leave no matter what i do 💀💀💀💀💀 #aus that have sasara caring so so so much are great no matter what it is