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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 3 years

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Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.4

I swear folks once I get this and the last part up I’m gonna condense it all

But yeah couldn’t resist some <3

Zhang and Wu Chat

Wu Xie: Um. I’m all done with the shower if you want a turn.

Zhang Qiling: I’m alright without one.

Wu Xie: sooo are you pissed at me still?

Zhang Qiling: ? I have not been angry with you since the ladder incident.

Wu Xie: you’ve barely said anything since the necklace thingy

Zhang Qiling: I believe it is a long-running joke amongst my friend group that I do not, in fact, say much.

Wu Xie: okay but there are multiple gouges in the tea house walls that would suggest you had somewhat strong feelings today

and I kinda caused the events that sparked said feelings

so just checking in you know

Zhang Qiling: I was not angry so much as I was afraid. More afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

Wu Xie: ??? But it has worked out fine??? Everyone made it out alive and Uncle Erbai gets to feel morally superior to the Zhang family for a while so today was a win overall

Zhang Qiling: I heard you scream. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t get to you right away. Therefore, I was afraid.

Wu Xie: ohhhhh. oh, Xiao Ge. It’s alright now—hey the necklace was actually helping u look out for me:) It’s not like those ppl were actually trying to hurt me, really. Your family isn’t so bad, at least you don’t have any uncles you know of

today was just some big misunderstandings wrapped in some poor life choices. Tbh my memoir title

I feel kind of stupid for screaming but when a glowing necklace wraps itself around your neck it’s a little uhoh moment lol

I did like the design tho def my aesthetic.

Zhang Qiling: I am pleased that it was able to protect you when I was not.

Wu Xie: Uh no you are not allowed to get all emo abt this it’s only like 3pm

damn time flies when it’s flashing before your eyes lol

Are you on the roof? You’re def on the roof. I thought I heard the tiles moving over my head. Come down or I’m coming up.

Zhang Qiling: I will be down in a moment. Do not come outside, it’s cold and raining.

Wu Xie: you know, Zhang Rishan said he thinks the necklace might be linked to you, somehow

something from long ago, even though you wouldn’t remember it.

It’s lucky that it liked me, huh:)

Zhang Qiling: Yes. Quite lucky.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: AWW LOOK AT HIM NAPPING ON YOUR SHOULDER SO CUTE. BEBES HAD A BIG DAY. YOU TWO ARE PRECIOUS. BE GOOD AND POSE FOR THE PICTURE NOW.

Zhang Qiling: No. Also, I am considering what steps I should take with Zhang Rishan. Regardless of his concern for the Zhang family line, his actions were unacceptable.

Wang Pangzi: HES DROOLING A LITTLE ON YOU WHICH IS LESS CUTE BUT I CAN CROP THAT PART

LOOK I KNOW YOURE STILL PISSED. IM NOT EXACTLY CALM MYSELF, I JUST HAVE WAYS TO SKIRT AROUND TIANZHENS BULLSHIT FILTER THAT YOU LACK

GET ON MY LEVEL

WU ERBAI WILL HANDLE IT, THINGS HAVE SETTLED I THINK

BUT ABOUT THAT NECKLACE

SO INTERESTING HMMM

Zhang Qiling: I am the patriarch of my family. The necklace behaved as I would, apparently, to protect a vulnerable family member. Wu Xie’s bad cold last week activated it, and it responded to a perceived danger to him today. Simple enough.

Wang Pangzi: UH HUH

A FAMILY MEMBER

THE NECKLACE REALLY SAID LOVE WINS

TOLKIEN COULD NEVER

Zhang Qiling: It protected him on a technicality. But I will not allow him to bear the burdens of my family ever again. It has taken so much from him already.

Wang Pangzi: YEAH SURE BLAH BLAH DESTINY BLAH BLAH ANGST

“A TECHNICALITY” WOW WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

ANYHOO IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR UR WEDDING RECEPTION SLIDESHOW

YA KNOW DURING MY SPEECH

Friends of Wu Xie Support Group Chat

Hei Yangjing: you’re welcome for everything today<3 I accept PayPal, although of course it is always my honor to assist my friends:)

Wang Pangzi: WE ARENT PAYING YOU SHIT

Zhang Qiling: You did absolutely nothing.

Hei Yangjing: whoa whoa maybe I wasn’t threatening family members or busting up load-bearing walls like some undying divas I could name but I totes helped

or at least I was there for moral support maybe?

Zhang Qiling: The only reason I knew you were there at all was that as I lowered my blade from Zhang Rishan’s neck, I heard the camera click and saw you were taking a selfie making a peace sign, angled to have the two of us in the background.

Xie Yuchen: I saw it on social media just now. The caption is “#greatdaycatchingupwiththelads #blessed”

Wang Pangzi: TBH KIND OF JEALOUS I DIDNT THINK TO DO THAT

Hei Hangjing: okay yeah you see Xiao Ge that is a modern kind of help I should’ve known you wouldn’t be aware

It’s called performance, you wouldn’t understand

it’s a ‘Gram thing

Also it means I’m a great person

Bc letting you handle the situation was my gift to you

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie mentioned there is something called “blocking ppl” that gets them out of my phone.

Hei Yangjing: nah

Can’t trust that Wu Xie, bae can’t tell a coffin from an urn amirite

it’s not a thing, blocking

Xie Yuchen: It is a thing. I’ll show you later, Zhang Qiling.

Wang Pangzi: YOU BOYS GO GET CLEANED UP AND COME BY AROUND 9 I SNAGGED SOME OF ZHANG RISHANS BOOZE ON THE WAY OUT

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Hei Yangjing: you looked pretty comfortable in those handcuffs earlier ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Go to sleep, idiot.

Hei Yangjing: You’d have to do something to tire me out ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Are you like this around Wu Xie? Not that I care, I’m just asking.

Hei Yangjing: uh that’s a big nope

First off all Idk when I’ll die but Id prefer it to be on my terms and not at the hands of those other two

Secondly there is a part of me that remembers how adorable he was when he was younger and that makes it weird

(No offense but u were not adorable. He was bebe luke skywalker, you were bebe princess leia I am obvs Han Solo 4lyfe)

Also I’m a little scared that if i flirted with him and he flirted back he’d be better at it.

Xie Yuchen: All valid concerns.

Hei Yangjing: as cute as he is I don’t really wanna tap that.

Xie Yuchen: I see.

Hei Yangjing: do you tho

Main Chat

Wu Xie: okay folks who wants cocoa to top the evening off? I picked some up today:D

Wang Pangzi: UH YOU SPENT YOUR DAY BEING KIDNAPPED AND PLACATING A SENTIENT NECKLACE WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET GROCERIES

FRANKLY THATS INTIMIDATING

Wu Xie: the tea house gift shop:)

Wang Pangzi: …YOU BOUGHT COCOA FROM YOUR KIDNAPPERS. FROM THEIR GIFT SHOP. DURING YOUR KIDNAPPING.

WU XIE

WU XIE WHY

Wu Xie: I mean we were there the whole day, it felt impolite not to buy anything.

Wang Pangzi: OH RIGHT GREAT POINT ID HATE TO BE RUDE TO THEM AFTER THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF ABDUCTING US

LISTEN WHEN PPL STEAL YOU IT BECOMES FREE REIGN ON THEIR SHIT

UGH YOU PROBABLY GOT A RECEIPT AND EVERYTHING

WAS UR LITTLE SHOPPING TRIP BEFORE OR AFTER THEY STUCK U IN A DUNGEON TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

WAIT NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT

Wu Xie: look, let’s focus on the positives/ we are all okay, and we learned something new, that necklace is still active! It’s really quite nice-looking when it isn’t moving of its own volition.

Wang Pangzi: YOU AND YOUR RELENTLESS DUCKING OPTIMISM

ZHANG QILING ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Zhang Qiling: I would love some cocoa. I’ll come to the kitchen.

Wu Xie: I have special marshmallows for you!!

Wang Pangzi: I SEE

WE ARE SUBSCRIBING TO THE PRESTIGIOUS “FUCK IT WHY NOT” SCHOOL OF THOT TONIGHT

LOL SURE LETS GO COCOA IT UP

IVE GOT SOMETHING STRONG TO POP IN IT

Wu Xie: Still thinking about that design… I’d love another chance to examine that necklace under less Zhangy circumstances.

Kinda sad we couldn’t borrow it to use for illnesses and dangerous missions :/

ah well it’s for the best, a family heirloom should be treasured, preserved and protected<3

Zhang Qiling: I put it on your dresser.

Wu Xie: ???????

Wang Pangzi: AND THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, XIAOGE <3

Wu Xie: I—

Zhang Qiling: Are those bunny-shaped marshmallows for me?

#whomst #ultimate note #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle #dmemebj

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leafs-lover · 3 years

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I wish you were here

A/N: This was requested. I thought about making this a fluff piece, but had a change of heart and re-wrote half of it. I just have a thing for Freddie, and not going to apologize for it ;)

Also I am really bad at coming up with titles

Summary: After a stressful couple of weeks apart Fred surprises you.

Warnings: Smut, swearing, NSFW

“Hey babe” you mumble into the phone. You look to your clock on your bedside table 4:17 is illuminated on the screen.

“Hey how’s it going?” he asks as you rub your eyes open.

“Good, just lying in bed” you say yawning.

“You sound tired” he says through the phone.

“Yeah most people are at 4am” you joke.

“Oh shoot. I’m sorry babe I didn’t even realize. Why did you answer?”

“We have been pretty busy, haven’t had much time to chat” you explain.

Fred returned to Denmark almost 8 weeks ago and you weren’t able to go with him due to the pandemic. You don’t have enough vacation days left; you would only have a couple days in Denmark.

You had only started dating in January, and when the NHL paused in March Fred tried to return to Denmark but the borders had closed prior to the pause. When Auston offered for Fred to quarantine in Arizona, Fred asked your thoughts on it.

If he stayed you would have to quarantine together otherwise you wouldn’t get to see him at all. That would have meant after only being together for 7 weeks you would temporarily move into his condo, and spend every second together for who knew how long. Neither of you really wanted to do that, it would be a lot of pressure on a new relationship so he opted to go to Arizona.

You hadn’t talked about labels, and didn’t know what to expect. While he was gone Fred would facetime with you once or twice a week, and you exchanged texts almost daily. He constantly complained about Auston’s terrible taste in TV shows, you complained about your roommate’s terrible attempt at baking.

You didn’t anticipate being in contact with Fred that much, but he always carved time to talk with you, he even sent you flowers a couple times and ordered you dinner from your favourite restaurant. Neither of you thought it would be almost 3 months before Fred would return to Canada.

But when he finally did, you were the first person he saw. You had just over 3 weeks together before he had to enter the bubble, and you spent much of that time together. It was so nice to have Fred back, cuddled up on the couch relaxing with him. When you finally saw him you melted into his touch, and your relationship felt like it had been catapulted forward instead of back even with the time apart.

When he went into the bubble, you didn’t expect to see him again until September, you wanted to see him but you hoped it would be three months, but it ended up being less than three weeks. He carried so much of the strain of that loss on himself, and you tried to tell him it was a team effort. The weight isn’t his alone, but the media and a lot of the fans had a different opinion. Everyone was calling for him to be traded, if the disappointing end to the season wasn’t enough that didn’t help.

He spent a couple weeks back in Toronto, but you could tell he was defeated and needed to get out. He needed to get away from the media, the rumours and spend time relaxing with his family. Fred tried to fight you on it, he wanted to stay and spend time with you. Obviously you did too, but you knew he needed this.

When he left the NHL had hoped on a December start to the season, meaning Fred would be coming back in October or early November. But as the date for the season got pushed so did his return date. You had some late nights at work, and with the time change it made it hard to talk all the time, so when you had the opportunity you took it. Leading you to this 4am phone call on a Saturday morning.

“Go back to bed skat, we can talk later” Fred says into the phone.

“No Freddie, we barely talked this week. Now that I have you on the phone I don’t want to hang up” you whine causing Fred to laugh.

“Okay, but if you get too tired Kære let me know. I don’t have any plans today so we can talk later.”

”I’m just going to make some coffee” you say getting out of bed and heading to your kitchen. ”I only planned on getting some groceries later so I can take a nap later if i want.” You start scooping the beans into the coffee maker, opting for a large pot due to the time.

”Wish I was there for your nap” Fred says to you.

”Mmm same. You are perfect for napping with” you respond.

”Oh yeah, why’s that?”

”Because you are perfect for cuddling with. I just fit perfectly in your arms, and you are like a pillow and a blanket in one.”

Fred laughs into the phone “you just use me for my body eh?”

“Well can you blame me?” you joke walking back to your bed with your mug in hand. “No I don’t actually, I mean it’s definitely nice –“

“Nice? My body is nice? That’s what you use to describe a haircut” he jokes.

“Obviously it’s much better than nice. I just meant it’s nice that you have that body, but I wouldn’t care if you didn’t. That’s not why I’m with you though.”

“Obviously not if you just think it’s nice” he mumbles jokingly. “How was your week?”

“It was so long, I had to stay late almost every night, and there was 3 nights I didn’t leave until after 9. My boss actually wanted me to work today but I had to say no. I felt like I was getting sick from lack of sleep, so it’s nice to have the weekend off.”

“You work so hard you deserve the time off” he says to you.

“Yeah, I have a couple vacation days left, maybe I’ll take a long weekend or something.”

“Yeah you should do that, don’t want to get run down working so much” Fred replies.

“But what would I do? I wouldn’t have enough days to fly to another province. And parts of Ontario are shutting down” you explain.

“Have a staycation, I’m sure a couple days doing nothing would be nice” he replies.

“Yeah I guess” you say.

“So how are my plants doing, kill them yet?”

“Nope, they are still alive, but I should get over there today to water them” you respond.

“When you say alive, do you mean alive and thriving or clinging to life?”

“Uhh, somewhere in the middle” you say causing Fred to laugh.

You continue to talk for another hour; you curl up in your bed wrapped tightly under your duvet. You can feel your eyes getting heavy, but you try to stay awake to talk to him. You are unsuccessful and end up dozing off.

When you return to work on Monday you talked to your boss who approved for you to take Friday and Monday off work, giving you a four day weekend. You are excited for your days off, but you have to get to end of day Thursday. Your week is filled with multiple zoom calls and long days, you are actually surprised your boss is okay with you taking time off.

When Wednesday comes you are completely drained. You had multiple meetings, angry clients and have to finish a project before you take off for the weekend. You were so busy you didn’t even notice you hadn’t had lunch until it was almost 3.

It’s almost 9pm when you walk through your door with some papers and dinner in hand when you hear your phone ring. Your apartment is dark and empty, your roommate away at her parents. You drop everything on your table, answering your phone as you head to your room to change.

“Hello?” you say not even looking at the caller-id, turning on your bedside lamp.

“Hi min kære, how are you?”

“Hey Freddie” you put him on speaker phone to change out of your work clothes. “I’m good, got home not too long ago.”

“Another late day eh?” he asks.

“Yeah I was trying to get my project done before my holidays tomorrow” you explain.

“Finish it?” he asks as you move to the kitchen to start eating dinner.

“Almost, should only take a couple hours tomorrow.” You look to your stove and see the time 9:09 illuminated on the screen. “Fred why are you calling so late; it’s like 3am there.”

“We haven’t talked since the weekend, and you haven’t sent many texts the past couple days” he says lightly.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’ve just been so busy with work. I’ve been having late days and have basically gone straight to bed. I also didn’t want to call you so late, I know you had a golfing trip one day” you begin to explain.

“Oh I know babe, you don’t have to explain. I just thought you could use a pick me up” Fred says to you.

“Honestly I would love one. My week has been brutal and it’s only Wednesday. Can’t wait for tomorrow” you say sitting at your table. You didn’t realize how stressed you had been until you sat down and thought about the week. The angry clients and long hours have really taken a toll on you. Stopping to think about things brings a lump to your throat, as you feel your eyes begin to well up.

“(Y/N) you there?” you hear through the phone. You zoned out trying to not cry, you thought you could wait until you got off the phone with Fred to break down. You were wrong, and now you are trying to stifle your tears so Fred doesn’t hear you, but are unsuccessful.

“Skat, what’s wrong?” he asks hearing your quiet sobs through the phone.

“I don’t know” you cry into the phone. “I don’t think I realized how stressed I am, and tired. Just everything. It’s a lot.”

You move to your bed and crawl under your duvet, wrapping yourself tightly into a cocoon. Fred stays on the other end; he doesn’t say anything for a while, letting you cry in silence. After a couple minutes your eyes begin to get heavy, as your sobs have stopped.

“I wish you were here” you say lightly.

“Me too kære” he says. He stays on the line while you lay in bed, not hanging up until he hears your soft breaths through the phone.

“You should go” your boss says poking her head in your office at 3pm. “Start your weekend a couple hours earlier” she says smiling at you.

“You sure? I don’t want –“

“(Y/N) this place won’t fall apart without you, enjoy your time off.” With that your boss walks away, you shut down your computer and grab your jacket. You reach to grab your phone and see the blinking light. You unlock it to a text from Freddie.

F: Don’t forget to water my plants

Y/N: I watered them Monday…

F: That’s 3 days, you trying to kill them? ;)

You laugh at his message. Instead of responding you decide to go to his condo and send him a picture of you watering his plants. You jump in your car and head to his place. You park in the underground lot and make your way to the elevator. You walk down his hall and unlock his door when you hear music playing in the kitchen.

You don’t remember even listening to music when you were last here. Did someone break in? But who breaks in and plays music? You set your bag down and look around not noticing that anything missing or broken. You walk through the living room and hear clattering in the kitchen and panic sets in someone is in here.

If you weren’t so panicked you would have noticed the bag in the living room, and the pair of shoes by the front door. You hear footsteps in the kitchen and turn around to run and hide when you feel hands on your hips.

They spin you around and pull you in tight to their chest and wrap their arms around your back. You go to push yourself off the person when you smell the familiar cologne.

“You’re off early” he mumbles kissing your head.

“Fred?” you whisper in disbelief, looking up at the person in front of you.

Your eyes meet his golden brown eyes, and red hair. You bring your hands up and stroke his beard “what are you doing here?”

Instead of answering you he smiles and kisses you. Your hand tangles into his hair when he pulls back slightly “I missed you” he mumbles against your lips.

“I missed you too” you say smiling. Without warning you jump, Fred catches you and carries you into the kitchen setting you on the counter.

“Can’t believe you’re here” you say pulling him to you for a kiss.

“I know, I didn’t know when I was going to come back but after last night I knew I had to come see you. Hearing you cry broke my heart, but the worst part was not being able to do anything about it.” He brushes a piece of your hair behind you ear “I booked a flight right after you fell asleep.”

He leans in to place a soft kiss on your lips, you snake your hands into his hair, stroking his beard on the way. You pull him closer, locking him in for a passionate kiss. You don’t want to ever be apart from him again, and you groan slightly when Fred pulls away from you.

“I wasn’t expecting you for a little bit longer. I wanted to have dinner ready when you got here to try and salvage the life from my plants” Fred jokes looking over at his wilting plant on his table.

You laugh “yeah sorry about that. I was doing a good job at it, then work got crazy and I didn’t get over here as often as I’d like” you explain to him.

Fred kisses your neck “its fine, I didn’t expect them to be alive” he mumbles.

“Rude” you say turning your neck to allow him more access as he peppers kisses. Fred laughs before walking away from you. He walks over to the cupboard and pulls out two wine glasses and pours you each a glass.

He walks back and hands you a glass, he puts his other hand beside you on the counter.

“When did you get in?” you ask.

“About 2 hours ago” he replies kissing your cheek. “8 weeks is too long to be away from you.” You take a sip from your wine and turn your neck to allow him more access.

Fred runs a hand up your thigh, giving it a light squeeze. “We’ve gone longer than that Fred” you whisper.

“Yeah because the border was closed” he whispers kissing your collarbone.

“Wait it’s still closed, how did you get in?” you ask pulling away to look at him.

“I have a Visa to play on the Leafs, it allowed me back in. Should have come back sooner” he mumbles kissing down your neck again. His hands lift your legs; he places his hands under them pulling you closer to him.

“Why didn’t you?” you ask running your hand up and down his biceps as Fred sucks on your neck.

“I’m a stupid man” he mumbles his hands stroking up and down your thighs, nipping on your neck. You moan lightly, placing your wine glass on the counter. Fred moves his hands to the back of your thigh and hoists you up. You wrap your legs around his waist as he carries you down the hall to his bedroom.

He kicks his bedroom door open and reaches to the wall to turn on the light. He gently places you on the bed, his mouth attaches to yours as he hovers over top of you. Your hands gently rake through his beard, as his tongue swirls in your mouth. His hand slides up your shirt gently, his thumb pressing circles onto the skin of your stomach.

Fred grabs the hem of your shirt and pulls it over your head; he sits up on his knees and removes your pants from you leaving you in your underwear.

“This is nice” Fred says taking in your matching red set, his finger lightly grazes the fabric.

“It’s new” you respond “thought of you when I bought it.”

Fred grins, stroking a finger over your clothed core. He quirks an eyebrow at you when he feels the wetness that has accumulated “it’s been a while” you say smiling at him.

“Let me fix that” he says pulling your underwear down your legs. He lies on his stomach, hooking your legs over his shoulders. He stares into your glistening pussy for a minute; his beard rubs against your thighs his breath makes you quiver.

He finally attaches his tongue to you, licking up your juices. You moan at the contact, his tongue is still dancing outside your folds. He groans at the taste of you, before he pushes his tongue inside you. You throw your head back into the pillow as his tongue slips inside your walls.

He brings his hand up to your clit and begins to press circles into it, as his tongue slowly licks the inside of your walls. Your hands slide down to his shoulder and you squeeze them firmly as he keeps fucking his tongue in and out of you.

“Freddie” you moan as his tongue continues to press deep inside you.

You grip his shoulder and attempt to pull him up to you. You feel Fred chuckle against you, but he doesn’t stop, pressing his thumb harder into your clit.

“Babe” you groan pulling harder on his shirt “I need you.”

Fred pulls back slightly staring at you with eyes dark from lust “you have me smuk” he chuckles. He attaches his lips to your clit and sucks on it, a fuck falls from your lips. Your legs begin to squirm slightly at the feeling.

“Fred…Fred…Fuck…I” you can’t form a coherent thought as he slips two fingers inside you, sucking on your sensitive bud.

His fingers begin to pump in and out of you as he pulls his mouth from you and begins sucking on your hip. He alternates between sucking and biting on your hip. Your hip arches off the bed as he continues to pump his fingers inside you.

“This what you want babe” he asks bringing his other hand to your bra, massaging your breast.

You bring a hand down to his wrist and clamp it. He stops moving his wrist and looks into your eyes.

“I need you Fred, I can’t wait” you say panting. Fred grins and slips his fingers out of you, and quickly pulls his shirt over his head. You reach up and grip his neck pulling him down to you. You lock lips with him, your hand slides up and down his firm bicep. Fred slides a hand under your back and unclasps your bra, freeing your breasts.

His firm shirtless body is pressed against you; you can feel his erection straining through the fabric of his clothes. You palm over his pants lightly before sliding your hand around to his back. His mouth leaves you and slides down to your breast and begins sucking on it, he brings a hand up and starts rolling your other nipple through his fingers, pinching it slightly. Your hands slide down his back and reach his sweat pants; you begin to push them down his large thighs.

Fred pulls away and pushes his pants and boxers down his legs and onto the floor. He falls on top of you and returns his mouth to yours; you roll and push him onto his back. You straddle him and begin grinding against his hard cock, desperate to have him inside you.

You hear Fred mumble in Danish as you continue to rock your hips against him. You fall forward kissing Fred, his hand tangles into your hair locking you in a passionate kiss. You reach over to the side table and pull a condom out.

You pull back and tear the foil, sliding it onto his hard member. You give him a few strokes before you rise up and line him up with your entrance. Fred brings his hands to your hips; you slowly start to drop down on him.

“Fuck” you mumble at the feeling of Fred inside of you, your hand goes onto his abs and you brace yourself. Fred is longer than any man you have been with, you had started to get used to his size but then he left to go to Denmark. You know Fred will hit areas nobody has ever hit before, but you just need to adjust.

“You okay smuk?” Fred asks looking up at you.

You keep dropping yourself down on him “yeah” you whine “just been a bit.”

He chuckles pulling your head down to his. You moan at the change of angle before Fred kisses you lightly.

“Don’t worry, take your time. I’m going to get you used to it soon” he smirks kissing you.

You haven’t taken all of him but you rise up and drop down on him. You moan into the kiss, Fred’s hand holding you to him, his other hand rests on your hip. You pull away from the kiss, Fred sucks on your bottom lip as you rise up and drop back down. Fred bottoms out in you, your ass hits against his thighs as you thrust on him.

“Ahh” you moan feeling him hit the deep spot inside you. Fred is still under you allowing you time to set the pace and get comfortable with him. You continue slowly thrusting on him, pushing yourself up. Your hand returns to his abs as you increase the pace.

Fred snaps his hips and pushes in you, as you drop onto him. His hands are on your hip, gripping you tightly as he helps guide you, keeping the slow pace. Your head falls back as you thrust on him; Fred slowly increases the pace under you.

You push into his stomach as your pace increases, rocking your hips against him. You bounce on top of Fred, his cock sliding in and out of you with ease. He brings a hand up to your breast, cupping it as you ride him. He rolls your nipple through his fingers, as your nails dig into his firm stomach muscles. Your hand slides down his treasure line, pressing hard into his groin as you feel your high approaching.

“You gonna cum baby?” Fred asks noticing you are chasing your high. He squeezes your breast hard, pinching your nipple in the process. You hum in response unable to form words. Fred releases your breast and slides his hand down to your clit to press circles into it.

“Yeah, cum on me baby. I want to feel you, feel you’re cum drip down me” he says pressing harder into your sensitive bud. His hips snap and the pace is fast, you are a mess on top of him. Sweat is dripping down Fred’s stomach; you can feel it under your hand.

“Fuck Fred” you scream out, your orgasm is close. With every thrust Fred his your g-spot, your skin flapping has filled the room, followed by occasional curse words. You notice Fred becoming erratic under you as you continue bouncing on him.

Your orgasm crashes over you, the most intense one you have had in a while. You clench around him, your walls tighten, and you feel it in your stomach. Your eyes roll back into your head as Fred continues to thrust inside of you. Your juices dripping down his cock.

He strains to keep going, allowing you to finish your orgasm. As you finally come around you feel Fred still under you. You collapse onto his chest, his arms wrap around you. You lie on him, both your breaths slowly return to normal.

A couple minutes later Fred rolls to be on top of you, he kisses you briefly before heading to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. He pulls on his boxers and throws a t-shirt to you. You smile and pull it over your head; Fred climbs into bed and pulls you into his arms.

“I was going to make you dinner, but I think I’m too tired now” Fred jokes, stroking up and down your arm. “You okay with ordering in?”

You look up and into his golden brown eyes “sounds perfect” you respond. Fred leans down and kisses you, wrapping you tightly into his arms.

“So you should spend your long weekend here with me” Fred mumbles against your lips.

You smile and stroke his beard “I don’t plan on leaving; I want to spend as much time with you as possible. When are you heading back to Denmark?” you ask lightly, not really wanting to know the answer.

“I’m not” Fred replies. You look directly into his eyes “not unless you come with me” he says lightly kissing you again.

#Freddie Andersen #fred andersen #frederik andersen fic #frederik andersen smut #freddie andersen smut #freddie andersen fic #fred andersen smut #Fred Andersen Fic #toronto maple leafs #Frederik Andersen #toronto maple leafs fic #toronto maple leafs smut #nhl fic #nhl snut #carolina hurricanes

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hangrypa · 3 years

Text

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical.

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this.

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients?

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections.

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability.

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back.

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week.

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot. On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency.

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself.

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room.

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.)

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc.

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind.

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending.

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

#hangrypa #PAblr #physician assistant #PA-C #PA

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sammyxorae · 4 years

Text

Falling For You - Chapter 2

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: cussing, kissing, fluff

Summary: This chapter is literally a filler chapter, it kind of sucks but oh well. Spencer x Y/N learn they have more in common than they thought when it comes to life experiences, but they also learn more about each other and their feelings. :P

***

Spencer came back into the living/family room. He looked upset but in deep thought.

“Hey, are you ok?” you asked as he came over and sat down next to you.

You could tell he was really holding back, but you stayed quiet now. Spencer rubbed his face and began talking about his Mom going missing.

“I’ve had some stuff go on in the last couple of months and because of the nature of my job, sometimes the people I care about also get affected by it. Now she is missing and we can’t find her,” he went on, you could see tears running down his face. You lightly put your hand on his knee, not wanting to startle him.

“You don’t have to tell me everything if you’re not comfortable, I understand. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to be around,” you said in a calm, soothing voice. This was one of those times that you were glad that empathy was a natural gift for you, but not because of being a therapist, just that you really did feel for Spencer.

“She’s a paranoid schizophrenic and although many individuals who aren’t being treated are more likely to leave where they’re staying and get lost, she is getting treated and staying somewhere. She was being watched by someone, who I was paying to stay at my house while I was working during the day. It was safe there…” he quietly spoke, doubting his own words, “or so I thought…”

“I’m sorry Spencer, I really am, but I also understand what you’re going through. My mom has schizophrenia and I’ve seen her have episodes and run away, even when she was on medications and being treated. Growing up I had to pretend that my mom was just on vacation somewhere and that no one could come over. I also know what it’s like to have someone go missing. My best friend had a habit of doing that when we were kids, but one day she was finally taken from her Dad and placed with someone else. Losing someone regardless is scary.” You empathize with him and share a very deep part of that you didn’t normally let out. It felt like taking a breath of fresh air, someone who wasn’t going to judge you.

“I hate to do this to you, but I do have to leave. I have to go into work even though I’m supposed to be on ‘leave.’ Hopefully I can find my Mom,” his eyes showed exhaustion but looked at you as if they were smiling. It made you blush and you couldn’t hide it, making him chuckle.

“Of course you can go,” you smiled, still blushing by the looks that he kept giving you.

“I’m going to stay a little bit longer, they said they don’t need me until 8am and it’s 5:30am. But when I leave, I could always come back later. It shouldn’t take long. Here’s my number though,” he took out his phone and grabbed yours on the table, putting each other's information in both. “As long as that’s okay of course. I don’t want to intrude,” he looked at you again.

You can stay as long as you want with the way you keep looking at me. Stop Y/N. Reel it back. You smiled at him, grabbing his hand again, “of course you can come back over. I’d love that. Again, I’m really sorry about everything you’re going through.”

Normally you don’t just hug someone randomly, especially because some people don’t respond to touch well, but you just had this instinct driving inside of you to hug him. At first his response was to jolt, to the point you almost stopped, but then he put his arms around you, pulling you into him like you were when you woke up a half hour ago. Have you ever just met someone and immediately you feel comfortable with them? No matter what is going on and how upset you may be, they find a way to soothe you, to the point you couldn’t get mad at them? Well, that’s how you felt with Spencer.

“You know, I don’t normally do well with touch. It normally bothers me, but I didn’t feel that way with you,” he looked at you again, and damn was that man making you melt into a puddle of water.

You decided to be brave, reached for his face and kissed him. His lips were soft and he was more than willing to return the kiss. You smiled as you pecked a few at each other and you could feel the heat rising in your body.

Spencer began to speak softly, “There’s a possibility you may be feeling this way because of me saving you. I’m sure you’ve heard of transference be-” you shut him up by kissing him more. This time with more force and moving your body up so that you could straddle his lap. You felt the pain on your knee and leg from the day before, but told yourself to shut up and continue before the boy genius decided to talk again.

That was until he threw his hand into your hair, gripping it enough to make you moan on his lips, but also gentle. You did the same to his hair, and slowly peppered kisses over to his ear, breathing hot air into them. The light giggle that came out of your mouth coincided with the moans that came from his mouth. He pulled your hair to have control of your head with one hand to get access to your neck, while his other hand wrapped around your body, pulling you in as close to him as he could. You honestly felt as if he wasn’t going to let you go, but you really didn’t care if he did or not.

You started to feel something underneath you and you smiled knowing exactly what you felt.

“Hmm.. wonder what that is?” you whispered into his ear, now biting his earlobe and then moving quickly back to his lips with even more need than before. You slowly started to move your hips against his, both of your kisses sloppy with one another.

“Y/N, I want this more than anything, but I want to do this when you’re ready. I don’t want this to be a one time thing,” he spoke quietly, stopping you and holding your face. “I met you less than 24 hours ago and there is something you’ve done inside of me that I can’t even explain.”

“I feel the same way as you do,” you leaned into him as your heart rate started to slow down. You put your head on his shoulder and he hugged you again.

“I want to do this right, if that’s what it is. Please,” he begged you and whispered into your ear.

You heard what he said, you weren’t upset, in fact, you agreed with him. As much as you wanted this man to take you and show you what he’s made of, you needed to go slower and at this point, you felt as if your body was about to give into another bout of sleep.

He didn’t need to hear your response, he got your answer when you kissed him gently again and slid off into his arms to cuddle him. Slowly, you began to fall asleep again.

***

The two of you fell asleep but this time you were woken up to a body not behind you and Spencer’s voice talking. You tried to listen, but decided against it. You didn’t want to eavesdrop, it really wasn’t fair. If he wanted to tell you, he would.

You grabbed your phone and saw that you got another couple hours of sleep in. It was now 7:30am. Spencer hung up the phone and came over to you.

“They may have a lead on my Mom, more than they did just a few hours ago,” he spoke. “I really need to go.”

“Go, go. Let me know what happens or call me before you come over, I might be sleeping,” you laughed.

He kissed your forehead and was out the door.

Still a little sore and tired, you went and took some tylenol, noticing that you could at least walk better today, and you felt like you should probably try to sleep again and in bed this time. Walter came over and licked your face as you laid down in your bed. Again, you felt sleep hit you like a brick.

***

After a few hours, you woke up noticing that it was around 12pm and that it was going to be a long unproductive day. You got out of bed and tried to clean whatever you could without hurting yourself and finished up some session notes from the few days before, but that time it was 3pm. You called your friend and told her about Spencer. She, of course, harassed you about it and told her to shove it, but that you definitely had an interest in him. She ultimately told you she would kick his ass if he hurt you.

You let Walter out, managing to get down and up the stairs without much of an issue and fed him. You sat down on the couch again, noticing it was around 4:04pm and thought you should probably eat, but when you started to think about what to have, you fell asleep again.

*KNOCK* KNOCK* *KNOCK*

You woke up, not knowing what was going on. “What?” you grumbled to yourself.

*KNOCK* KNOCK* *KNOCK*

You grabbed your phone and noticed that it was 7:34pm and you had no phone calls or texts, so you definitely weren’t expecting anyone. You stumbled off the couch in clumsiness and reached the door. You rubbed your eyes and opened the door. If you weren’t awake then, you sure as hell were now.

Spencer was standing right in front of you, but this time he looked different. He was wearing an FBI jacket, still looking handsome as ever but there were 3 others behind him. Two girls and a much older, fatherly-looking, handsome man.

Spencer walked into your apartment, the other three introduced themselves. The brown headed one being Emily Prentiss, the pretty blonde was Jennifer Jareau, or JJ, and the older man was Dave Rossi.

You let them in and looked at Spencer as he was walking around your place.

You walked over to him, stopping him and looking him dead in the eyes. This was something you hadn’t seen in him before, though only knowing him for 48 hours, that would make more sense. But no, this was something sinister, anger, and you were a bit frightened.

“Spencer!” you yelled with your hand on his chest, “What the hell is going on?!”

“We need to talk.”

***

taglist - @spnackleholicswainer @alexa-ann-blog @crazysocklovingfangirl@totallysupernaturaloneshots @crowleysplaythings @i-dont-understand-that-url @baritonechick @samanthasmileys @sammys-angel @dont-hate-relate-pls@thegameison97 @growningupgeek @ive6669 @your-favorite-emo @fandom-has-ruined-my-life @youcanhavit @hillface89 @angelkurenai@letmewriteyourlove @fangirl1802 @robbenedictxreader @ellienovak@psycho-moose-sammy @ashiewesker @hudine @paddy121996-blog@wayward-mirage @zymmas @evyiione @heatherhoney2000-blog @gabriels-trix @your-not-invisible-to-me me @carry-on-my-wayward-girls@reigningqueenofwords @writings-of-desire @haylaansmi @justanothetfangirl

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fan fiction #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #doctor spencer reid #dr spencer reid #dave rossi #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #cat adams #falling for you

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artificialqueens · 4 years

Text

Don't Strauss Too Much (Crygi) - Mumu

A/N: Back on my Crygi clownery! A big thank you to the lovely @sportcox who helped me brainstorm this title <3

Summary: Gigi needs a tutor, and Crystal is happy to help her out.

Gigi Goode is going to throw herself off a cliff.

She’s been staring at her flashcards from yesterday’s music theory lecture for what feels like forever now, and she’s still no closer to memorizing the information she needs to know for her quiz on Friday than when she got here.

She and Nicky are sitting in the corner of their favourite cafe, notebooks and highlighters sprawled out on the table among cups of coffee and various sweet treats. Normally, the cozy atmosphere always puts Gigi into a good mood, but today she’s far too stressed to enjoy the experience. She has a week to memorize a whole chapter’s worth of material. So far she’s wasted most of her time just staring blankly at her notes.

“What kind of demon professor gives a quiz on a Friday, anyway?” She complains.

Besides her, Nicky laughs. “Take a break if you’re so upset about it.”

“That’s not how it works,” Gigi mumbles, even as she closes her folder and takes a sip of her iced coffee. She slumps back into her seat. “Music theory is gonna be the death of me, I swear.”

“I don’t even understand why you’re taking it,” Nicky says, tapping her pen against her teeth distractedly.

“I needed the credit,” Gigi explains in a monotone. “I thought it would be easy, but Professor Visage doesn’t even give us completion credit for homework.”

“Oh, the horror,” Nicky smirks at her. “Imagine, Stanford professors not giving you full credit just because you turned your work in.”

“Shut up,” Gigi pouts. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Can’t you just drop?” Nicky steals a bite of Gigi’s tiramisu, giggling when the other girl swats her away. “Hey, I’m helping, I deserve some of your cake.”

“I can’t,” Gigi says, rolling her eyes at Nicky’s antics. “Missed the deadline.”

“Just get a tutor then,” Nicky suggests. “Isn’t that Crystal girl you like also taking it? You said she was doing well last time.”

Gigi very nearly chokes on a macaroon.

“How… do you even remember that?” She gets out, coughing.

“As if I could forget. That’s all you talked about the entire two hours we hung out. You were all, ‘Crystal’s so good at theory’ and ‘Visage likes her so much’ and ‘if she weren’t so pretty I could be able to hate her.’” Nicky teases. “Besides, you know I love to play matchmaker.”

“Yeah, well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not happening. I can’t even talk to her, let alone survive a tutoring session with that girl.” Gigi says.

“Okay, well, it’s not like you have any other options.” Nicky is unimpressed.

“Then I’d better just accept that I’ll bomb this quiz.” Gigi pops another macaroon into her mouth in self-pity.

“No, not on my watch.” Nicky insists. “Just message her, it’s not that hard!”

“Absolutely not,” Gigi says. She reopens her folder, looking glumly down at the index cards tucked into the pocket. “Like I said, I’d rather fail.”

She’s too busy staring down at the material in front of her to notice when Nicky grabs her phone until it’s too late. “Hey!”

Nicky just cackles, angling her body so that Gigi can’t interrupt her typing. “If you don’t have the guts, I’ll do it for you.”

“Nicolette Doll, I’ll kill you,” Gigi says, trying to grab at her phone.

Gigi glares at her friend, calculating about a hundred ways to dispose of her body. She has half a mind to drive her dessert fork into the blonde’s neck in an attempt to stop her from going through with this. Gigi bats at Nicky’s arms, attempting to wrestle the device away from her.

It’s no use. Nicky’s grip is strong, and Gigi watches with growing horror as the blonde types Crystal’s Instagram handle into the explore page. Nicky doesn’t even need to type the full name; Crystal pops up into her recent searches as soon as she inputs the first few letters.

In usual circumstances, Gigi would at least be embarrassed, but right now she’s more horrified at the prospect of messaging Crystal Methyd.

Crystal, the girl who she’s been crushing on since the very first music theory lecture. Crystal, who’s probably the reason she’s barely pulling a big fat D in the class in the first place, since, as it turns out, staring at the pretty Latina sitting in the front row isn’t a very effective learning strategy.

“Nicky,” Gigi says, trying a different approach. “I’ll do the dishes for a week.”

“Too late!” Nicky grins at her, far too proud of herself. She hands the phone back to Gigi. “Your welcome.”

Gigi stares down at her phone screen, blinking dumbly at it.

Hey! This is Gigi from music theory. I needed a tutor and was wondering if you might wanna help?

Gigi’s gaze darts from Nicky to the screen, and then back again.

“I hate you,” She decides, puffing out a breath at the end of the sentence. “Why am I friends with you?”

“You’ll be thanking me soon enough.” Nicky shrugs. “Oh! Look, she’s typing!”

Gigi feels a rush of dizzying panic at Nicky’s narration. She snatches her phone closer to her chest, doing her best impression of a chipmunk with a peanut. A glance down confirms, yes, Crystal really is typing out a response. Now that Crystal’s already seen it, it’s too late to unsend the message. God, she’s probably weirded out by the random request. Why did Gigi think bringing this up with Nicky was a good idea?

“Uh-uh, I don’t trust you anymore,” She scolds, voice only shaking a bit, as Nicky tries to peek over her shoulder. “You can sit there and if you’re lucky I’ll fill you in.”

Nicky huffs, pouting. “Putain.”

Gigi’s about to retort when Crystal’s typing icon disappears, and a message replaces it.

hi gigi :) of course!

Gigi fights the dumb smile that’s threatening to burst across her cheeks, hyper-aware of the fact that Nicky’s watching her intently. She can feel the french girl’s gaze on her, practically burning a hole through her ponytail and skull.

Crystal typed the message in lowercase— Gigi’s not sure why she finds that so endearing, but the detail lodges itself in her brain and Gigi files it under the mental list she’s begun to keep this semester. Little things about Crystal: she likes big earrings, her laugh sounds like liquid sunshine, her hair is a different colour every other week. And now, the newest addition, she types in lowercase.

The smiley face Crystal sent peers up at her.

Her phone pings again. how does tuesday sound? maybe at 3pm?

“Bitch, what’s happening?” Nicky asks, craning her neck in an attempt to catch a glimpse of their exchange.

A flash of annoyance shoots through Gigi. For some reason, she feels very protective of this little exchange. Nicky’s well-meaning, she knows, but she’s not quite ready to share Crystal yet. It feels kind of exciting to know that this… well, whatever this is, is just between the two of them.

“Nothing so far,” She says. Nicky seems to accept the answer, going back to reading a section in her textbook.

Sounds good. We can work in the Lane reading room if that works for you?

The response comes almost immediately. totally, yeah! see you then

Gigi tries not to feel disappointed at the lack of a smiley face this time around. Keyword: she tries to. But it’s hard to read the signs over a couple of text messages, and she re-reads the last text she sent. Did she do something wrong? Was it too formal? What does Gigi respond, now that she isn’t sure if Crystal just texts everyone smiley faces, or if the girl is flirting with her?

Gigi grabs a chocolate chip cookie and takes a bite, stalling. There are two chunks of chocolate in the mouthful. Gigi takes that as a good sign and decides to go for it.

Looking forward to it! See you then <3

She regrets adding on the heart as soon as she presses send, but there’s no way to take the message back now. Gigi settles on stuffing her face with the rest of the cookie in regret.

She waits a few excruciating seconds, but no response comes. Fuck, she shouldn’t have added that heart. Crystal must think she’s totally creepy. Gigi flips her phone facedown on the table and picks up those flashcards again.

Nicky sees her make like she’s going to continue studying and lets out a snort. “Good luck, girl.”

“Nice to know you have faith in me,” Gigi shoots back, chewing at her bottom lip.

Nicky’s right, though. She doesn’t get anything done for the rest of the half-hour they’re there, her mind too full of thoughts about study dates and smiley faces to focus on anything else.

***

“Ugh!” Gigi tosses another dress aside, falling back onto her bed dramatically. “Why is this so hard?”

Nicky looks up from her phone. “You’re the one that’s making it complicated.”

Gigi throws a pillow in her general direction and the blonde shrieks as it hits her. The impact makes her fall out the beanbag she’s currently sitting on with a loud thump.

“Merde, okay, I’ll help!”

“Thanks.” Gigi flashes a cheeky smile at her.

Nicky puts her phone down and contemplates murdering her friend. “What do you have so far?”

“Uh,” Gigi holds up a tweed dress. “This?”

Nicky can’t help it: a snort escapes her. “What are you, Blair Waldorf? That’s way too fancy.”

“Alright then, uh,” Gigi fishes around for a bit, before showing Nicky a floral two-piece. “What about this one?”

“Hell no, a set looks way too put together.” Nicky shakes her head. “You wanna creep her out?”

Ten minutes and half of Gigi’s closet later, they’ve finally settled on a winning combination: a leather jacket and Gigi’s favourite pair of jeans.

Nicky insists that she doesn’t need a bra under her mini cardigan, so Gigi rolls with it.

A little part of her is glad that Nicky’s so passionate about Gigi flashing Crystal her nipples: at least she will have someone to blame when this all ends in a train wreck because she’s coming on way too strong.

Also, the mental image of Crystal getting flustered— well, Gigi would be lying if she said it wasn’t convincing.

Gigi’s alarm goes off and she grabs her phone, groaning at the time. “Shit, I’m gonna have to power-walk there.”

“I’ll see you after then,” Nicky says, winking at her. “Have fun with your little crush!”

As it turns out, Gigi didn’t have anything to worry about, because Crystal is late. Gigi takes a seat by the windows, spreading out her stuff. She tries not to think too much about the girl she’s currently waiting for, occupying herself instead with watching the people outside.

“Hey, sorry I’m late!” A voice says. Gigi turns and comes face to face with Crystal. The girl slides into the seat next to Gigi, her smile a little sheepish. “Art History is on the other side of campus. I guess I didn’t give myself enough time to get here.”

“Oh, uh,” Gigi flounders, not sure where to look. Is it weird to look into Crystal’s eyes? That feels a bit too intimate. She settles for focusing on moving her pencil case from her left to her right. Crystal’s looking expectantly at her, and she swallows hard, trying to clear her mind of Crystal’s tanned skin and cute freckles.

“No worries!” Her voice comes out weirdly high-pitched and she cringes inwardly.

Crystal doesn’t seem to notice her strange behaviour, flashing her another sunny grin. “Okay! Is there a specific section you want help with?”

Right. Tutoring. That’s why Crystal is here. Not so Gigi can stare at her, and certainly not to get to know Gigi or anything like that. Gigi can’t help the pang of disappointment that she gets at the reminder. Part of her forgot this is strictly a school-related thing. Gigi suddenly feels stupid for overthinking her outfit and draws her jacket closer to herself. Hopefully Crystal doesn’t notice how dressed-up she is today, because Gigi doesn’t know if she’ll be able to survive that embarrassment.

“I’ve been having trouble with secondary dominants,” Gigi says, pulling out her workbook.

“Okay, yeah, I can help you with those!” Crystal grabs a pen. She leans over, tracing the chords with it. “Can I write on this?”

“Huh?” Gigi asks stupidly, cheeks warming. Crystal’s shoulder is pressed against hers, and although it’s perfectly innocent, Gigi’s still hyper-aware of the way her skin feels too warm from the contact. She tries to stay perfectly still, not wanting to spook the other girl into moving away from her position. “Oh, uh, go ahead, totally. That’s fine.”

“Right, great, so let’s use this question,” Crystal says, marking something down on the book.

She’s close enough to Gigi now that her perfume envelopes the space around them. She smells like honey and coconut, a warm mixture that Gigi finds comforting. A curl slips over Crystal’s shoulder, and the girl bats it away. Gigi almost melts at how cute the action is.

This week Crystal’s hair is a muted matcha colour, and Gigi thinks that it suits her. It’s the prettiest she’s ever seen Crystal. Then again, she thinks that every time Crystal walks into class with a new colour, so maybe it’s less of a testament to the colour itself and more to how utterly head-over-heels Gigi is.

“The key signature is A Major, and this chord starts on a C. So you can count down a fifth from C, and you get F, which means that the chord is an F Dominant Seventh,” Crystal explains. “Do you know what the next step is?”

“Um,” Gigi says eloquently, brought back from her daydream by the question. How long did she zone out for?

“Sorry,” Crystal says, tapping her pen on the workbook rapidly. “I lost you, didn’t I?”

“No, it’s okay, just,” Gigi chews at her lip nervously, then immediately regrets it because she definitely has lipstick on her teeth now. “Can you go over it again?”

Crystal nods. She takes a sharp inhale like she’s going to say something, but seems to change her mind, instead offering Gigi a reassuring smile. “Of course, yeah.”

Gigi shifts awkwardly in her seat at the action, unsure what Crystal’s thinking. She’s about to ask, or say something when Crystal jumps into the explanation again. Gigi tries her very hardest to pay attention this time, but she still finds herself staring at Crystal’s lips. They’re coated with a glittery red gloss, and they look so shiny and plump that Gigi really, really wants to kiss them.

“Wanna try one on your own now?” Crystal asks.

Gigi blinks. “What?”

Crystal sets her pen down, eyebrows raised. “Did you get any of that?”

“I, uh,” Gigi stammers, trying to find some way to save the situation. Her cheeks warm, and the realization that she’s blushing makes her even more flustered. “Sorry, I’m just really out of it.”

Crystal offers her a sympathetic smile, patting Gigi on the arm comfortingly. “Hey, you’ll be fine, okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m just worried, I guess.” That’s not it at all, but Crystal doesn’t need to know that.

“I won’t let you fail, promise,” Crystal says with a wink. Gigi can’t help but giggle at the action, and Crystal pokes her playfully. “You got this!”

“Thanks,” Gigi mutters, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth through a soft smile.

There’s a slight pause, both girls regarding each other with a hint of shyness. Gigi swallows thickly, eyes flicking around Crystal’s face. Her breath is coming quicker now, and she feels a bit lightheaded.

Crystal has picked up her pen again, nervously clicking it under the table. The sound is threatening to overpower Gigi’s already scattered thoughts. Gigi’s hand goes to cover hers out of instinct, to stop the rhythmic clicks. The back of Crystal’s hand is soft, and Gigi’s fingers loop lightly around her wrist, feeling the fuzz brush against her fingertips. Crystal stops clicking the pen, but Gigi doesn’t remove her hand.

Crystal takes another sharp inhale in, and Gigi thinks the girl is going to shake her hand loose. Nothing happens, though, and for the second time, Crystal seems to swallow her words.

Gigi’s mouth feels sticky, and she runs her tongue along her teeth in an attempt to get rid of the feeling. Crystal presses her lips together at the sight, and Gigi feels a wave of adrenaline so strong it almost knocks her flat. Every fibre in Gigi’s body wants to crash herself against Crystal. She wants to feel the lip gloss slathered on the other girl’s lips on her own, and to drape her arms over Crystal’s shoulders. Her clammy hands twitch as if they might truly act on the desire without Gigi’s approval, and she balls them into fists to suppress the urge.

“You look pretty today,” Crystal says, more air than sound to her words.

Gigi hums. “So do you. You always do.”

Another few moments of stillness. Gigi finds it surprisingly comfortable, existing in Crystal’s space. She focuses on the rise and fall of Crystal’s chest, subconsciously mirroring the pattern with her own breathing.

Crystal’s the braver of the two.

She makes the first move, flipping over their hands so that hers is on top and using that to tug the redhead closer to her. Gigi slides obediently forward in her seat, her legs slotting around Crystal’s. Crystal walks her fingers up Gigi’s arm, raising goosebumps as she gets higher and higher. A chill runs through Gigi’s body, and she regrets not wearing a bra for the second time today. She shifts, straightening her spine, and immediately has to bite back a whimper when she feels her nipples brushing against the knit of her cardigan. By the smirk on Crystal’s face, the moment hasn’t gone unnoticed. There’s a challenge in her eyes, and Gigi feels her throat close when Crystal’s hand brushes her cheek.

Fucking tease, Gigi wants to say, or maybe scream. Hurry up and kiss me.

But Gigi doesn’t, she just sits there and tracks Crystal’s movements with her eyes, and shivers when Crystal tucks a fallen strand of hair behind her ear, agonizingly slow.

“Do you want me to kiss you?” Crystal asks, tilting her head in faux innocence.

Gigi bristles and feels her hands jerk impatiently in her lap. “Yes, fuck.”

But Crystal doesn’t let her get it that easily. She shakes her head, curls bouncing gently around her face. “No, say it.”

Gigi splutters something in between a curse and a laugh. The absolute nerve of this bitch. She doesn’t bother saying it again, just rolls her eyes lightly and leans in. Her patience has worn thin, and Crystal’s lips are too inviting to not feel them on hers right this moment.

Crystal ducks away and Gigi is left hanging there for a second, confused, before she opens her eyes with an annoyed huff. “You-”

“Say it,” Crystal repeats. The corners of her lips turn up slightly like she’s fighting a smile. Her hand goes to cup Gigi’s chin. “Wanna hear you say it, Geeg.”

Gigi literally feels her vision cloud over for a split second at the nickname.

Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but her blood is buzzing in her body and she swears everything has gone a bit fuzzy around the edges. In any normal circumstance, Gigi would probably be over this little game of cat and mouse. She could just kiss someone else. But this is Crystal Methyd in front of her, and that’s enough to make her decide to shelve her pride for now.

She wets her lips and whispers what Crystal wants to hear. “I want you to kiss me.”

Crystal narrows her eyes at Gigi, and for one terrible moment, Gigi thinks Crystal is going to find another excuse to deny her, that she’s going to pull away and tell her that this has all been some kind of cruel power play. But then Crystal’s closing the remaining distance between them, and Gigi takes a sharp shock of air in and has to blow the breath out in one great big rush because Crystal is finally, finally kissing her. It’s tender and soft, a bit more elementary school than anything, and it’s perfect.

Crystal pulls away before Gigi can slide even closer, and she whines unashamedly, shuddering out a shaky breath. Crystal’s hand brushes against Gigi’s chest as she lets it fall, and Gigi’s breath catches. This girl is going to be the death of her.

“Been waiting to do that for a while,” Gigi admits, still a bit breathless.

“I know,” Crystal says. There’s a pretty blush adorning the highs of her cheeks, still visible when she continues. “I was wondering when you’d work up the nerve to talk to me. You stare at me every class.”

“Bitch! I wasn’t that obvious,” Gigi defends.

Crystal just blinks at her. “No, you were obvious as fuck.”

“Oh.” Gigi feels heat blooming on her cheeks.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me how I know that?” Crystal prompts. Gigi still looks a little confused, so she continues. “I only noticed because I was watching you, too.”

“You liked me and didn’t make a move?” Gigi exclaims, hitting Crystal on the arm playfully.

“It was more fun to watch you struggle,” Crystal says, waggling her eyebrows.

“You suck.”

“If I kiss you again will you forgive me?” Crystal pulls an exaggerated sad face, clasping her hands together.

Gigi just snorts and closes the distance. Their lips mesh together softly, just as dizzying as the first kiss, and when she pulls away Gigi can still feel Crystal’s gloss on her lips. She smacks them together, trying to blend her own lipstick with the bright red goop.

“So. Do you think you can try a problem now, Miss Goode?” Crystal grins mischievously at Gigi.

“I don’t know, you’re quite distracting,” Gigi counters, a smile pulling at her lips.

Crystal just hums, pointing at a row of questions. “If you get three of those right in a row, I’ll kiss you some more.”

“On my own?” Gigi really would rather go on kissing Crystal.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun, we can make it a game!” Crystal sounds hopeful enough that Gigi finds herself wanting to keep her happy. “Please?”

“What, now you’re the one begging?” Gigi teases.

She picks up her pencil, getting to work. Something about this new studying strategy is more effective than anything she’s tried before, and before long, thanks to Crystal’s teaching (and the kisses peppered between each problem set,) Secondary Dominants make perfect sense.

Come test day, Gigi sits right next to Crystal, in the front row, and makes a respectable 82.

If Professor Visage notices the hand-holding and stolen glances they exchange in the following lectures, she doesn’t mention it. The professor just seems grateful that Gigi’s finally absorbing the content for once. And as for the extent of her knowledge of why Gigi is suddenly so motivated to come into her class every day, well, Visage’s knowing smile says it all.

#rpdr fanfiction #gigi goode #crystal methyd #crygi #nicky doll #lesbian au #college au #fluff #mumu #concrit welcome #s12

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illia-ast · 5 years

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LFRP - Illia Astraea

Illia Astraea

The Basics ––– –

Age: 25

Birthday: 14th Sun, Sixth Umbral Moon

Race: Miqo’te, Seekers of the Sun

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Pansexual

Marital Status: Single

Server: Zalera

Physical Appearance ––– –

Hair: White, a few thin peach colored streaks near the ends.

Eyes: One light blue, one light green.

Height: 4′9″

Build: Curvy and soft body and thighs, toned arms and legs.

Distinguishing Marks: Clan markings.

Common Accessories: A bag or satchel, sketchbook, spectacles, heels.

Personal ––– –

Profession: Hunter/Botanist for hire.

Hobbies: Sketching, baking, napping.

Languages: Eorzean, a little Ishgardian and Doman.

Residence: Mist, La Noscea

Birthplace: Gridania (assumed)

Religion: The Twelve

Patron Deity: Menphina

Fears: Being abandoned, being left, being powerless, being trapped, being unable to move or escape, being somewhere she can’t see anything.

Relationships ––– -

Spouse: N/A

Children: N/A

Parents: (adpoted) Octavel and Docette Asturmaux

Siblings: Florine (sister) Alexois and Martiallais (brothers), all older.

Other Relatives: N/A

Pets: None; has a soft spot for mammets though.

Traits ––– -

* Bold your character’s answer.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Additional information ––– –

Smoking Habit: None. Drugs: None. Alcohol: Rarely.

RP Hooks ––– –

Home in the Shroud : Though it’s questionable she was born in the Black Shroud, she was raised there by the family of one of the Wailers that found her. She took to the lance with ease and was found to be a natural botanist and conjurer. It was not uncommon to see her at either guild or talking to the apothecary in the market. It’s also not uncommon to have seen her all over the shroud in her youth. Perhaps you’ve seen her or grew up near/with her?

The Hunter is a Botanist : In adulthood Illia began to earn a reputation not only as a hunter of difficult marks, but a botanist capable of going to dangerous places to retrieve rare materials with a careful hand. Apothecaries, culinarians, alchemists, and even leatherworkers and weavers have been known to commission her services in tracking down or retrieving those hard-to-get ingredients and materials.

The Globetrotter : Though she dearly loves the Shroud, as she grew to adulthood Illia began to travel. By now, she’s well-versed in Eorzean locales and, more recently, has been to Gyr Abania, Hingashi, Doma, and the Azim Steppe. Maybe you’ve traveled together, or seen her on the road from place to place? Were you there to show her around the areas new to her?

The Artist : She loves to sketch what she sees. Plants and wildlife, vistas while she travels, and other people. Maybe you’ve noticed her peeking at you over the sketchbook in one of the taverns while she’s eating?

The... Clutz? : When she’s within cities, she’s easily overwhelmed by all the people and noise and easily distracted and scatterbrained. This leads to her being rather clumsy.

Contact Information ––– –

Please note, I may be slow to respond most of the time. I am most likely to be active around 3pm-10pm CST.

Discord : I’m open to text-based on discord, please ask for my screen name or shoot me yours! My preference is making a private server to maintain different threads for ooc, plotting, and in character stuff so it’s not all mashed together in a single DM thread.

Tumblr : You are here currently! You can message me, send me random asks or send prompt asks.

In game : I am on Zalera server in the Crystal DC; if you see me online (I wander around Balmung and Mateus as well) feel free to send me a /tell or say hi!

@ffxiv-crystal-rp @mooglemeet

#lfrp #Illia Astraea #ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #did i just realize i never posted one of these?#maybe #is this hot garbage?#absolutely #will probably be edited a lot in the days/weeks to come

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

Text

*Following the trend and re-taking and responding to my very first survey on here from December 2014...SIX years ago!*

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Sigh. Very much so. <<< Wow, that was when I was all in love Joseph. I’ve long since moved on.

What did you do yesterday? I’ve been on break for the past week and I can honestly say I haven’t really done anything. It’s been kinda nice. <<< Back when I was in school and doing something with my life and had breaks to look forward to. Now I’ve been on break since 2015 and doing absolutely nothing. Anyway, yesterday I slept in past 3PM, had my coffee, checked social medias, played Animal Crossing, watched a few episodes of The Gilmore Girls, had dinner and chilled with my mom the rest of the night while watching another special on the ID channel (they’re doing a different one every night all this week).

Something you really want right now? Hmm. I don’t really want anything at this exact moment. <<< I’d love for this hot, gross, miserable weather to go away and to just fast forward to autumn.

What were you doing an hour ago? Making this side blog. <<< Awww, can’t believe I’ve had it for six years now. An hour ago I was scrolling through Tumblr and listening to ASMR.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you? Nahh. I’m not revengeful. <<< Yeah, I’ve never been a vengeful person.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Nope. <<< Yes.

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? Sighhhh. It’s been like two years since I’ve kissed anyone. I feel so deprived of any affection. The situation with me and ~him is complicated. Isn’t it always? <<< Ohhh boy, it most certainly was. Ha, if I felt deprived then imagine six years later.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Yep. Right this very second. I more than like him at this point, but like I said. It’s complicated. <<< It was such a mess. I don’t know why I allowed it to go on as long as it did. :/ I should have known nothing was going to change. Since that time with Joseph, I fell in love with Ty and I thought that was actually going to lead to something, but surprise, surprise it did not.

Would you ever get a tattoo? I want to. I’m just a big ol’ baby. <<< Yep, still am. I highly doubt I’ll ever get it done.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? HA. That’s funny. <<< *Spongebob transition thing: Six. Years. Later.* Still single!

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Uhh. Probs my mom yesterday when she called from work. <<< My mom yesterday when she called from the store.

Who was the last person you talked to in person? My brother. <<< Yep.

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Coffee with Amanda. Maybe get some more Christmas shopping done. Hopefully! <<< Omggg, back when I had friends and actually did stuff! ha. And aww, Christmas shopping. Wow, going out and doing things back when we weren’t going through a worldwide pandemic. Presently, I don’t have any plans for tomorrow.

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? Not recently, but yes a friendship has ended that I wish had not. <<< All my friendships ended a few years ago...

What are you listening to right now? Hey Arnold. <<< An ASMR video.

What happened at 9:00 am today? It hasn’t been 9am yet, but I imagine my ass will be on the couch scrolling through Tumblr and watching tv. Exciting stuff, guys. <<< Ha, you won’t catch my ass up at 9AM anymore. I’ll be sleeping.

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? Yes. I put my heart on the line and they walked away. Awesome. <<< Yepppp. Twice.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? Nooo. <<< Just on the cheek.

Do you and your last ex hate each other? Nah. We don’t talk, but there’s no hard feelings. <<< Same.

What are you afraid of? Life. Death. <<< That sums it up quite well. Short and precise.

When was the last time you were sick? Always. <<< True. I’ve also been getting this gross nauseous feeling that comes and goes that hits at random. As for a virus or something of that sort, I had a cold back in April.

Are you one of those people who are always cold? No. Although, I am right now. <<< Nooo, definitely not. I’m someone who seems to be hot a lot of the time. Like now. I wish I was cold.

Where are your biological parents? In their room. Sleeping. <<< That’s where they are now, too. I swear they haven’t been there since then. ha.

Do you have any summer plans yet? I wish. It’s still awhile away, though. It could change. <<< There won’t be any summer plans this year.

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? On food. Always. <<< I don’t spend much on food anymore, actually. I’ve gotten better about my online shopping, too. I’ve been better at saving money these days than I used to be.

Last thing that you said out loud? “Goodnight, Jon.” <<< “Goodnight.” I’ve pretty much always done my surveys at night, so.

Do you have trust issues? It’s not really trust issues. I just have a hard time opening up in general. <<< Still have that problem. I keep a lot to myself. I’m not at all open like I am on here.

Do you think this year will be better than the last? This year is just about over, which is crazy. I always hope the next year will be better, but there’s always something. <<< Omg. This survey was done in 2014. The next year I graduated UC and shortly after that is when things started going downhill. :/

What are you doing? This pretty much. My tv is on, but it’s background noise. <<< Same, but I’m also listening to an ASMR video.

Are you a jealous person? Yes, but not like psycho jealous. You probably wouldn’t even know it. <<< Yeah. I haven’t felt jealous in a longgg time, though.

Do you think age matters in relationships? Well, yes. To an extent. <<< Yep.

When was the last time you got a haircut? I think maybe back in July. Or a little before then. I’m trying to grow out my hair now. I’m over short hair. <<< My hair was so short then, but now it’s down to my butt! I just got a couple inches cut off back in February.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Tons of people. <<< Yep.

Who is the last person you rode in a car with? Mom & brother. <<< My brother.

What is one thing you’d love to happen tomorrow? I’d like to get more Christmas shopping done. My plans for that are still up in the air. I can’t believe Christmas is already next week like wth??? That went by SO FAST. <<< Uhhh, perhaps get Wingstop for dinner.

Did you sing at all today? Yes. <<< Not so far.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad? My mom. <<< Yeah, that hasn’t changed.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? In bed asleep. <<< Right here in bed, probably reading for a bit.

Are there any stressful situations in your life? A few. <<< A lot.

Are your lips chapped at the moment? Nope I’m good thanks for asking. <<< Ugh, yes. I keep licking them because I have fans blowing on me all day.

When you met the person you now love, what happened?: Uh well we met through a mutual. Nothing happened right away. He pursued me first after awhile, but I wasn’t interested initially. Boy did that change. <<< I don’t understand why he did that. He was never interested in really pursuing anything with me, but sure made me think that and I fell for him. He knew how I felt about him and he kept playing me. ANYWAY, I don’t currently love anyone in the romantic sense.

Did you realize anything today?: No, but it’s early. <<< Not so far.

What do you need right now?: Sleep probably. <<< Yeah, I definitely need that.

What’s your favorite food?: Mongolian BBQ. <<< Man, I was obSESSED with Mongolian BBQ for the longest. I miss that. D: I can’t eat spicy food anymore, sadly. Ugh, it was SO good. My favorite food now is garlic parm and lemon pepper wings from Wingstop.

How are you feeling today?: Just kind of whatever. It’s 1 in the morning. <<< Hot and tired and blah.

What is your biggest fear?: Life and death. <<< We went over this already in this survey...

Describe your looks to us: Ugly? Ha. I don’t know. Look at my avatar. <<< Yeah, look at my avatar.

Have you ever woke up next to someone and wanted to puke? UH no I can honestly say I have not. <<< Nope, thankfully.

What are you listening to right now? Degrassi. <<< An ASMR video still.

Are you afraid of death? Very. <<< Yes.

Do you open up to people easily? No. It takes a lot. <<< I’m still that way. Even people I’m close with I still struggle with that.

Do you miss anyone? So very much. <<< There’s always a few loved ones I’ll miss that have passed away.

What are you going to do tomorrow? I feel like I’ve been asked this a billion times. <<< For real, we’ve been over this.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Noooo. <<< Yes.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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purplerain85 · 6 years

Text

I Love You

PAIRING: Alex Skarsgård x You (Reader)

WORDS: 3997

WARNINGS: Swearing, Hateful comments (not sure how to explain that part), Smut.

SUMMARY: Dating Alex and you two have a date night and the paps photograph you two, and some of his “fans” make some hate full comments about your weight and you have a whole day of self doubt and your worth to Alex.

A/N: I got this idea from an ask that @rae-of-sinshine (I hope you don’t mind that I wrote this) All typos are my mistakes.

@rae-of-sinshine @ohh-la-la-leto @laketaj24 @loey-bae @evenwhen-ihadnothing @sideeffectsofyou @thosekidswhohuntmonsters @kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls @just-another-fangirl-94 @sploodgebucketlu

Alex and you had been dating for just over two years, you two were introduced by mutual friend Anna, when she was talking about you to Alex he had said he wanted to meet you, Anna had than mentioned that if she did and you two hit it off, that he had to promise not to toy around with you as you don’t date much since you had your daughter 3 years ago, and you didn’t want guys coming and going. He promised that he would not play games with you as long as you didn’t either.

When you finally agreed to go on a date with him, you two were inseparable and you made him wait 6 months before you introduced him to your daughter Ursula, you wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to run off, although when you had decided to introduced them you didn’t know for 100% that he wouldn’t but you had a pretty good idea that he wouldn’t. The night that they finally met, you invited Alex over for dinner, the two of them hit off just the much as you two did, things had gone so well that night that it was the first time that Alex had stayed the night which was also the first time you two had sex and also the same time you realized that you Loved Alex.

Two years later you and your daughter were living with Alex, and some how you two managed to keep your daughter out of the lime light let alone let the world know that you had a child from a previous relationship, you enjoyed the fact that no-one other than his family and close friends knew about her. It wasn’t that you didn’t want his fans to know about her, but she was your daughter and you and Alex had discussed it and you two agreed and decided to keep her protected as long as you could. Although it still surprised you that no-one had found out about her.

Tonight, was date night for Alex and you, Alex’s dad and step mom had taken Ursula for the night, which was great which meant they would pick her up right after school, so you didn’t have to rush from work to her school to home and than to Stellan’s . It also meant that you two could be as loud as you could and not worry about waking her up…… although you tried not to be loud, sex with Alex was like nothing you ever experienced with ex-boyfriends, he always left you satisfied.

Alex had taken you to a place that taught people how to cook different things (not that either of you couldn’t cook) and once you were done you got to cook what you had made which you thought was great and you two had so much fun. Than you two walked around Central Park for a little bit until about 9, then he took you to another park that showed old Black and White movies and he knew how much you loved Black and White movies and tonight’s movie was The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, which you had told him you saw for the first time when you were 13 and it made you fall in love with B&W movies. You two had a great evening and were so caught up in each other that neither noticed that some people were taking your photos….. But you did the next day.

The following morning was Saturday and you had the day off you didn’t to pick Ursula up tell tomorrow afternoon as Stellan and his wife took the kids out of the City for the weekend. Alex had to do some filming for the day, so you had the whole day to yourself. You slept in tell about 9:30 and when you woke up you had a couple emails and about 15 text messages from Anna, which was unusual as the last time you got that many texts from her was when it was discovered that you and Alex were dating, you two had been photographed so much since than that you didn’t even care anymore.

Her first text at 7:00 told you to call her, her next one at 7:15 said do not go on the internet until you call me! Please!, you didn’t even read the rest, you did the exact opposite of what she said because your fear was that someone had photographed Ursula, what you found was worse so much worse, that having her photographed would have been nothing compared to what you read.

”ALEX SKARSGÅRD AND FAT GIRLFRIEND: Y/N was seen last night out with Alex for what seemed to be a date night, the 34 yr. old bookkeeper and the 44yr old actor have been dating for about 2 years but it seems like Y/N has decided to let herself go and put on weight, she has never been as small as Alex is but it seems like he can have any woman in the world why choose to date someone who doesn’t want to watch her weight.”

You could not believe what you were reading l mean sure you struggled with your weight since you had your daughter 5 years ago, Ursula was 2 when you found out that you had a thyroid problem and had to be put on medication and yeah you yoyoed with your weight but Alex had never complained in fact he seemed to love the “love handles” that you had and never said anything about your weight…. Not that he ever would as you knew he was raised better than that and he really didn’t have death wish.

You sat there in bed for couple minutes reading and re-reading the article, thinking that you were not fat God you were between a size 10-12, then you made the mistake of reading the comments.

-I cannot believe Alex is dating someone so fat! I mean come on, lose some weight or go back t the sea.

-Man, he has to be dating her for her personality, or she has a golden pussy, because he is clearly not dating her for her body or for her beauty (which she is not)

-As a long time, Fan of Alex, and as a fan l am telling you to dump her fat ass and date someone who is better than her.

-Seriously what does this Amazing specimen of man see in this beluga of a woman.

You ended up shutting your phone off because you could not handle reading anymore comments, you curled up into a ball and cried for what seemed like hours, you couldn’t understand why his fans where making such hatful comments, you knew some of them weren’t happy he was dating someone, but they had never been rude to you nor have they made such hurtful comments you eventual fell asleep again, and woke up around 3pm Alex wouldn’t be home for at least another 3 hours. You managed to get out of bed and wanted something to eat but could only bring yourself to make two slices of peanut butter toast, even that you had to force yourself to eat, even though you were starving all you could think of was the hurtful comments. You decided to take a hot shower as you stood under the hot water tears started to form in your eyes again, you thought to yourself “maybe l am fat?” “maybe Alex does deserve to be with someone who is not as big as me?” “maybe l should lose some weight” all these thoughts just seemed to make you feel crazy and very, very self-conscious. When the water got ice cold you decided it was time to get out of the shower you found some of the baggiest clothes you could find, one of Alex’s over-sized hoodies and a pair of baggy pj bottoms that you hadn’t worn in years and wrapped yourself in a huge blanket.

Alex arrived at home and you were sitting in the livingroom when he came in and asked you why you never responded to any of his or Anna’s text messages, you said bluntly “I turned my phone off hours ago”, which made him look at you and that was when he realized that your eyes were swollen, which made him panic as he thought something happened to Ursula or something, he leaned down and looked at you and asked what was wrong? You “we were photographed last night, and the published the photos this morning and l look ugly and fat!” Alex “You are not Ugly nor are you Fat!” You “well your so-called Fucking fans think that l am fat as a whale and fucking ugly! And they also think that you can do better than me!”

before Alex could say anything else you got up from the couch and stormed off to the bedroom, you hadn’t even realized that Alex was right behind you tell he said “I don’t give two fucks what these “fans” have to say about you! I love you for you, I think you are gorgeous, I think your body is fucking amazing and it also did an amazing thing by bring Ursula into this world, I have seen pictures of you before you got pregnant and to be honest l love this body that you have hidden under this blanket more than how it was! I love your caring heart and how you treat everyone you met with so much respect, I love you for how you interact with my fans and how you raise your daughter and l love your big personality, l love how most of the time you like your body and the confidence that you have about yourself and l love You! For You!” and l am going show you tonight and every night that l am home how much l love your body and you!”

Alex had your face between his hands while he was talking to you and telling you what he loved about you, and you started to cry again (although you weren’t sure where or how you were able to still form tears. He went to kiss you and you pulled away and told him you where not good enough for him. But he wouldn’t take no for an answer “if anyone is not good enough it’s me who is not good enough for you, I am gone a lot and l hate seeing you like this” before you could respond to him he kissed you.

The moment his lips touched yours you melted into him, he gradually moved his hands from your jaw, down your neck to wear the start of the blanket and he slowly pulled it from your body, just that little bit of movement you felt your arousal starting between your legs, Alex moved his hand slowly down your arms and moved to your hips where he gripped them and pulled you closer to him as he deepend the kiss, you wrapped your arms around his neck and placed one hand at his hair line and gently ran your fingers up and down, which made Alex moan into the kiss and his grip get tighter which cause your to moan. You pulled away from the kiss first and you two placed your foreheads together and breathed together.

Alex moved his hands under the hoodie you had on and softly said “l Love you, Y/N! I would move heaven and earth to make the pain you are feeling about yourself go away! But l will settle for showing you how much l love you and tell you everything l love about your body” his hands moved up your body as he was talking to you, when he got to your shoulder blades he got you to raise your arms and he took the sweater off and kissed you again, and he took your breasts in his hands and messaged them and ran his hands over your nipples and slightly pulled away from the kiss and said l love how these amazing breasts just fit perfectly into my hands, they are perfect size, he kisses you again, and moves to your special part of your neck right where your jaw and bottom of your ear meet and he sucked, you moan “Alex”.

He moved you one to the bed and kissed your collarbone down to your breasts and took your right nipple into his mouth and nipped and sucked and swirled his tongue around the harden nipple while his left hand gripped and pinched your left nipple, and as he was moving to the left nipple he said “l love how your nipples react to my touch, and how l can feel them harden even more on my tongue” all you could do was moan in response. He then kissed your navel and sat up on his knees and looked at you as his fingers went into the top of your pj bottoms, he could see the lust in your eye and the love you had for him and you could see the same in his eyes, as he pulled you bottoms off.

Alex lifted your left leg and kissed and nipped at your calf up to you knee and than pulled up your right leg and did the same and when he got to you thighs he told you that he loved how thick your thighs were and how amazing they felt around his head when his head was buried between them and wrapped around his waist and how great they felt when you rode him into ecstasy, than he kissed and licked each of your stretch marks and said he loved the feel of them. You responded to him “Please Alex, l get that you love my body, just please!” he told you “No, l told you l would show you what l love about your body and l am going to do just that!” than he ran his stubble chin over your folds and it made you jump and cry out in pleasure.

Alex kissed your left hip and bit it and then licked across to your right hip and bit it as well and than he kissed up your stomach and said “love your stomach and l love these three little tiger marks right here, and l love these lovely love handles of yours, l love that l can grab hold of you and l can hold onto you when you ride my like your life depends on it, God l love it when you ride me!” Alex continued to kiss you your body back up to your mouth and kissed you and grinded his jean covered hard-on against your wet core. Again, you moaned “Alex please, l need to feel you”.

Alex moved his weight to his right arm as his left hand made it way down to your wet pussy and he slipped one finger between your fold and gathered some of your juices on his finger and ran his finger over your clit, you moaned and as he continued to kiss you he said how he loved how your pussy felt he then slipped two fingers into you and slowly moved them in and out of you and rubbed his thumb over your clit every now and then he would curl his fingers and hit your G-Spot just right and you would hum against his mouth gradually he speed up his fingers to the point he was thrusting his fingers out at a fast pace and kept them curled and pulled away so he could watch come to your first orgasm of the night, you had a tight grip on his right arm and the back of his neck, when you orgasmed you called out “Oh God Alex!”

Alex pulled his fingers from you and was about to put his fingers in his mouth when you grabbed his wrist and look him in the face as you moaned around his fingers and sucked them clean which cause Alex to close his eyes and moaned, when he pulled his fingers from your mouth his kissed you hard and thrusted his tongue into your mouth and moaned at the taste you. He got up from the bed and removed his clothes and your mouth watered at the sight of his erection and you wanted to taste him so bad and suck him Alex saw the look in your eyes and said “not tonight darling its all about you and my pleasure will come when l make you cum for the last time around my cock” Alex kissed your thigh again and made his way to your pussy and your know that you had at least two more orgasms coming, and just as you were think at the joy of what you were going to have you felt his tongue slip between your folds as he swirled his tongue around your opening and which made you grind your hips against his face, he placed his right hand over your hips to keep them still. He looked at you and said l love how sweet you taste, and l could be buried between your legs for the rest of my life and die a happy man.

He brought his mouth back to your pussy and brought his tongue to your clit, and than brought his left hand to pull back your hood so he could have better access to your bundle of nerves, you were moaning so loud and basically cry out Alex’s name as you were still coming down from your last orgasm, you had one hand in his hair and pulling his hair, you other hand had a death grip on the rails of the headboard. Alex ran his teeth lightly over clit and you cried out “Fuck! Please do that again” and he obliged.

Alex than let go of your hips and put two fingers into you and moved them and a decent pace and kept working his tongue on you exposed bundle of nerves, you were so turned on you that you had to let go of Alex hair and move to the headboard with your other hand you were so sensitive that you were seconds from cumming again and then you felt it, it felt like you had you urinate and all you could get out to warn Alex was “OH Fuck! Alex l’m gon…. And then your squirted all over his fingers and wrist he pulled his head back enough to watch as he continued thrust his fingers in and out of you and he excitedly said “Fuck, Yes! Babe, good l love when you squirt all over my fingers.” You had to pull away from him as you were so sensitive and told him you need a second. You took your second and pulled Alex into a hardened kiss you went to get him to lay down, so you could repay him for the two orgasms, but he knew what you were going to do, and pushed you back on to the bed and grinded against you.

Alex asked you if you were ready for him and you looked him in the eyes and pleaded with him to fuck you, he lined himself up and slowly pushed himself into your warmth and he had to take a minute to get adjusted to your tightness and let you get adjusted to him, you begged him to move, he pulled out slowly tell just the tip was in and slowly pushed back in and that was the pace he kept for a while as much as you loved love making with Alex, you want no you needed him to be rougher, you asked him to go faster but he just kept the same pace, and when you needed him to go faster, you tried to get him to flip over, but he grabbed your right leg and put it on his shoulder than he grabbed your left leg at the knee and pushed it into the bed and began to thrust faster and harder into you grabbed hold of his arms and begged him not to stop.

You moaned “God Alex you feel so good, and l can feel you everywhere! And you are hitting me in all the right spots” Alex “You feel so good wrapped around my cock babe, l love how you feel around me and how great you feel when you clench around me” You “Please, Alex let me ride you! Please!!!” You thought he was going to say no, but to your surprise he kissed you and let go of your legs and put one arm around your waist and one hand at the back of your neck, and rolled over on to his back, without even pulling out of you. He put his hands on your hips and you sat up and grinded your hips back and forth and put your hands on his chest to keep your balance. *Before you started dating Alex, you were never big on riding a guy, only because they always wanted to be in charge and that meant that you were on you back or your hands and knees, which got boring even for you.*

You bounced up and down on Alex as you were coming down his length Alex would snap his hips up and you could feel him so much deeper, your fingers would scratch down his pecks and he winched in pain and pleasure. You could feel your third orgasm of the night was coming and you knew by the grip that Alex had on your hips and groans he was getting close to his end as well you began to ride him hard and faster and rolling your hips. Alex looked you with hooded eyes “Y/N fuck you ride me so good, God l am going to cum!” he took his left hand off your hip and dipped his thumb down to your between your folds and gathered some of your juices and brought it up to you clit and rubbed tight circles and said “Babe cum for me! You need to cum all over my cock right now!” and just like that you felt Alex release in you and could feel him coat your walls, you came for the third and final time that night, you collapsed on Alex.

As you two came down from your highs you felt him wrap his arms around you and rubbing your back, you felt Alex softening inside you, but neither of you could bring yourselves to move. Eventually you brought your head up to look at him with a goofy little smile on your face and lightly kissed his lips, you pulled yourself off of him and got off of him and laid next to him and had your arm around his waste and he had his arms wrapped around you. Alex “How are feeling now? Now do you understand that no matter what anyone says about you, l think you are the most beautiful woman ever!” You “Yes, l feel, better and l understand what you mean, and l am Thankful for everything that you do for me and Ursula. I Love you so much?” Alex “I love you too”

#Alexander Skarsgard smut

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judithsupportsteamchampery · 5 years

Text

Why you’ve made my winter!

- by Judith Dombrowski

My personal Team Champéry season review

This is dedicated to figure skater Deniss Vasiljevs, coach and figure skater Stéphane Lambiel and their manager Christopher Trevisan!

My very special thanks to my mother Beate. Without you nothing of this would have been possible. I can say with my whole heart that you are the best mother I ever could have imagined.

Also special thanks to:

Anastasia, Charlie, Estephanía, Jelena, Laia, Maria R., Maria T., Marina, P., Susanne, Szilvia

You all have become amazing and true friends. I love you with my whole heart!

And to everyone else whom I met because of Team Champéry this winter, either personally or via the internet. We are the best fan community I can imagine.

On March 2nd 2019, after I had been able to take THAT picture, that picture thousands of skating fans dream of, that picture I would never ever had imagined to happen, I turned around and thanked both of you: “Thank you so much for everything!“, I said. Then I looked at you, Deniss, and said: “You’ve really made my winter! Thanks!“ You looked flattered and surprised but didn’t respond anything. But you, Stéph, said something like: “Wow, you are really so positive!“ It was the second time you said that that afternoon and I do understand why you said it in this situation: For the two of you it definitely hadn’t been the winter you’ve dreamed of. It must have been a hard winter full of worries, concerns and disappointments. It seemed to surprise you, Stéph, why you’ve made somebody’s winter even though so much seemed to have gone wrong for you.

So I am writing this blog post / article / review to explain to the two of you and to everyone interested, why this sentence was incredibly true. Why I actually couldn’t have thanked you in a more accurate way. Beware, this might gonna be long. I usually fail saying things short and there has been really a lot going on this winter relating to the two of you. I will also miss out some moments because it has just been too much.

When to start? Should it be the moment when we decided to go to Grenoble? The moment I started to be your fan, Deniss? Should I go back to Worlds 2005 when I had my first big crush on that handsome Swiss figure skater? This would turn into a novel so lets start right at the beginning… of… this winter:

October

“Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I am free earlier than expected today. So if you’d like we can meet earlier?“

“I am sorry I fear I won’t be able to come over before 18.30? Hope that’s still alright?“, I replied to a good friend of mine on WhatsApp.

“Haha, yea, sure, thought you have holidays…“

“Well, yea“, … she was a really good friend so I could be honest, “but my Mom doesn’t. She’s only free from 3pm and we’ll have to watch a movie together this afternoon. This is like the only possibility before next weekend. Will explain you later!“

“Okayyyy…!“

It was a Wednesday afternoon in early October during my autumn holidays and I spent the week in South Germany with my mother and tried to meet up with as many old friends as possible. It was also the week before Japan Open, the first time you, Deniss, were supposed to skate your new free program. And it finally had leaked that you would be skating to the soundtrack of the movie “Last Samurai“. So to totally understand the program my mother and I watched the movie together, listened to the music very precisely, discussed about the plot, read and learned about the history of the samurai on Wikipedia.

We liked and appreciated the theme and that music choice right away. As we did with the whole program when it had finally been uploaded. Despite technical difficulties we saw the efforts and the great thoughts behind the choreography of this program right away and were really looking forward to see this program grow and bloom over the season.

It was different with the Short Program. When “Papa was a rolling stone“ was posted first, I listened to the song in the car and it left me quite puzzled… How was that supposed to be the song of a skating program? And those lyrics? Well… I liked the beat and the rhythm of the song from the beginning and I put all my trust in your good taste and I wasn’t going to be disappointed.

The figure skating season was speeding up: The first Grand Prix was coming along together with a small competition called “Minsk Ice Star“ - the warm up contest for you, Deniss. I spent that weekend in the Netherlands where a friend celebrated her birthday. The moment I remember best of these days is myself walking up and down at the beach streaming the free program in bad quality on my phone screaming and jumping up and down at every landed jump. This weekend brought the first fully rotated and landed Quad in competition for you, Deniss, and the first gold medal of the season. For me this weekend made me like and appreciate the short program and I “met“ my “soulmate“ because of this competition:

Until then I hadn’t been too active about figure skating on social media, because most of my followers on Instagram were my real life friends who didn’t care about this sport at all. There was no official livestream of Minsk Ice Star. But I found some Russian girls via Instagram who were in the arena and were so kind to stream the practices and the competition. That’s how I met my today very very good and close friend Maria. We started texting since then, we went through this winter together, kept each other updated all the time and finally went to Innsbruck together. But that happened many moments and stories later.

November

NHK Trophy was after all the only competition this entire season I didn’t manage to follow live. Despite all efforts I didn’t make it home from work in time for the SP, and I also missed the LP the next day because of my tennis practice. I did come home when Shoma Uno was about to start his Free Skate performance but of course he skated deep in the second group. I clicked on “pause“ and scrolled back to start watching the competition from the beginning. There had been a number though in the left upper corner of my screen I couldn’t have avoided seeing: The leading skater at the moment Shoma started to skate had the technical score of 70 points. 70 Points! DAMN! That was…. low. Very low for that moment in the competition. And 70… that was a number you, Deniss, were likely to score. My heart started racing. Could it be possible? If you were the leader at that moment you were… about to win a medal.

“It was hard to see how excited you still were!“, my Mom told me on the phone an hour later when I was full of disappointment. She had been able to watch everything live and knew that it unfortunately hadn’t been you, Deniss, who had scored those 70 points, it had been Matteo Rizzo. I felt really sorry for you, missing that opportunity. “Keep your head up, keep your heart strong…“, I kept listening on repeat during that weekend and I wished you could also hear that motivating song by Ben Howard. The next competition was going to be better. I was sure! And the next competition was: IdF in Grenoble. THE competition. Our competition. Where my mother and I would go to see and support you live. The weekend I had been waiting for since the end of June when the assignments came out. And now it was not even two weeks away…The Sunday after NHK I spent in the kitchen baking my gifts for the two of you: The lion and the ladybug as German gingerbread. I am not the most artistically talented person, and I didn’t honestly expect this project to be successful, especially drawing a lion with chocolate and sugar icing on a piece of cookie seemed like a far too motivated project for me. But I did it, every millimeter drawn with concentration and passion. And succeeded: I had baked a lion and a ladybug gingerbread. The presents were ready, the flags had arrived and got inked, all tickets were printed, we were ready to go.

You probably all remember a weekend or an event you once desperately had been waiting for. And then the moment when it is really happening. So you can probably imagine how I felt: I see myself as if it was yesterday walking from the parking lot in Mainz to the station where I had to take the train to Frankfurt airport, feeling like I was flying: It was real, yes, it was. I was on my way to Grenoble, I had everything prepared, I had gotten the extra day off at school, I had the gifts and the banners in my bag, I had your program music in my ears, I was so so ready for it!

I had high expectations for this weekend just as you probably had as well, Deniss. Unfortunately yours weren’t totally fulfilled again especially in the long program. Mine instead were outreached by far:

That moment, when I saw the two of you live right ahead of me in practice. The moment you really nailed your SP, how I was screaming and celebrating of relief. The moment I was able to give you the gifts after the second practice. The moment when you walked around proudly showing my baked lion to other fans. All those moments of wonderful and magical performances by your fellow skaters, all those people I had been admiring in front of the TV screen for years: Evgenia Medvedeva, Rika Kihira, Vanessa James and Morgan Cipres, Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron, Nathan Chen, Jason Brown and Dimitri Aliev just to name a few…

And that moment, Saturday 24th of November, 6 pm during the Ice Dance medal ceremony when I checked on my emails and my heart skipped for sure more than one beat: Email by Christopher Trevisan: “Sorry for the short notice, if you are still interested you can have a fan meeting with Deniss tomorrow morning either at 10 or 11 o’clock. Let me know if you are still interested.“ If I was interested? Hell, YES. But: Our bus to the airport was booked tomorrow at 10 o’clock from the main station in Grenoble. Our flight home was leaving Lyon at 2 pm. I was in shock, excited and concerned at the same time. It was hard to think straight.

I will never forget the night from November 24th to November 25th in my entire life. So many insecurities: When exactly? Where? Who will come? How will we get home? Take the train instead of flying? Take a taxi to the airport? Skip the whole fan meeting myself?

Charlie, my mother and I were sitting together until far after midnight without having any solutions. The three of us mainly discussed the question: Where? There was no nice café that had opened Sunday morning just around the corner…

We noticed that the only space we had available on this short notice were our own hotel rooms. Probably our entire hotel woke up by us laughing loudly about the joke: “Imagine, when I come home, I will be able to say: There was Stéphane Lambiel… in my hotel room!“ We weren’t sure back then if you’d accompany Deniss, Stéph.

Sometime during the night after sleeping for a few hours I was able to calm down and think more straight again. I checked the Lufthansa App and found out that it was actually possible to change our booking to a flight that flew to Frankfurt four hours later than our original one. I got the idea to ask in our hotel if there was a possibility to hold the meeting in a free conference room or another silent place. It was all coming together. We got a space in our hotel, we had people who messaged they would come to the meeting, we had the time to sit down and think about some questions that I wanted to ask you, Deniss. You came, you had quite some time, you were incredibly nice and the two of us got more and more relaxed while the interview / meeting went on and I had the feeling that I could continue talking with you forever. You are such an interesting, intelligent, nice, humble and funny person. Before Grenoble I had liked you mostly because of your beautiful and amazing skating, after Grenoble I knew where this was coming from. Before Grenoble I had been amazed by you, after Grenoble I was totally enchanted.

December

I was on endorphins for the next weeks straight. That weekend had been far better and beyond all my expectations.

But at the same time I was afraid: Was it ever going to be that perfect again? Should I maybe keep this one perfect weekend as one magic memory and not let it get destroyed maybe by disappointments coming in the near future? Would I maybe expect too much from future events? I told around: “That weekend was perfect. I will not go again this season. Next season again!“

What a luck I hadn’t been able to resist. Because my heart, longing to see the two of you again, won over my anxious head.

Christmas time came, I followed the Grand Prix Final together with my Mom, we got up in the middle of the night to cheer for Koshiro, we were worried when you, Deniss, withdrew from a competition in Zagreb, were relieved when it was announced that it wasn’t an injury. And we decided that it was finally about time to see you skate live as well, Stéph! So we ordered our tickets for Art on Ice in Davos in February. And with booking those tickets my plan not to go anymore this season had already faded away. I spent hours on the internet searching for possibilities to make it to Minsk for the European Championships. Meanwhile I knew many fans via social media and almost all of them were about to be in Minsk to support you, Deniss. I wanted to be part of it really badly. As a teacher though it is hard to get days off apart from the public holidays. Flights for the weekend only costed a fortune. It seemed impossible. My frustration grew. I am a person who fights really hard if she really wants something and usually tries everything to make it happen.

January

New years eve came along, together with a very nice and enthusiastic video of the two of you: “We hope to see you in Bellinzona for Music on Ice!“, you said, Stéph. And after countless times watching this lovely video and a sleepless and crazy night from the 1st to the 2nd of January my decision was made: Instead of the impossible mission going to Minsk, I would to go to Music on Ice in Bellinzona. I was going to take a train from my hometown Osnabrück in the Northwest of Germany on Friday afternoon to Stuttgart in the South of Germany. The next morning I was going to take the earliest train to continue traveling all the way to Switzerland where I would arrive in Bellinzona on January 12th at 11 am. I would go to the show on Saturday night and early Sunday morning I was going to take the train back, 10 hours all the way up to Osnabrück where I would arrive at 6 pm, ready to go back to school on Monday morning. But going to the show wasn’t the only plan I had. With help of the amazing Jelena from Daugavpils who runs the official Fan Club on Facebook we activated fans from all over the world to send me pictures with good luck wishes for you for Europeans. I was overwhelmed by the positive responses on the project. I received exactly 50 pictures, most of them amazingly creative.

When I entered the train on Friday afternoon, January 11th 2019, I felt the company of all those 50 people. I was nervous because I hadn’t heard of Chris yet, whom I had messaged with the idea of the project and had asked for an opportunity to give you the album personally.

But the sun was shining, I had motivating music in my ears, the train was riding further and further South and I felt the support of all of my friends and of my mom, who unfortunately couldn’t accompany me this weekend, so the nervousness turned into major excitement.

In Bellinzona I also wasn’t alone at all: I teamed up with two friends that I had both met in Grenoble. After our arrival we checked out the ice rink and sat down on a bench nearby the arena. The girls went through your album, Deniss, when suddenly my phone vibrated and I saw the message: Christopher Trevisan had written: “Hey Judith, can you be at the rink at 15.00?”

Have you ever been waiting for a message to come in for five consecutive days? Do you know that feeling that whenever you get a message you have that slight hope inside you that it could be the one you are waiting for and you get disappointed over and over again? And then the releasing moment comes? And you know my temper, right? Then you can maybe imagine how I screamed and jumped up and down when seeing that message. Did you maybe even hear that scream from somewhere far away that afternoon? Quite possible since Bellinzona isn’t that big and my joy was… LOUD! My two friends shared my joy and enthusiasm but not as loud. We had an “appointment”! I messaged all of my good friends right away: “Appointment at 3 pm!” I was so happy and excited. I carried the hopes and wishes of 50 people in my bag and now I knew I wouldn’t disappoint them.

That moment on the bench had only been the beginning of a day that again turned out so much better than all my expectations:

Hearing you say: “So nice to see you again!”, and being really thankful for the book. Being able to watch all three hours of show rehearsal, including the two of you practicing throw jumps. Recording an successfully landed throw jump for all my friends and many other fans. Seeing you, Stéph, skate live for the first time in my life. You, that man that had carried me through my teenage years with all your wonderful programs. Finally seeing you perform in person was magical. Seeing that wonderful and touching duet of the two of you. I had tears of joy in my eyes. And that moment after the show when you, Deniss, were walking beneath us and you turned around and came back thanking me for the album: “Thanks for the book. It’s fantastic!” These six words meant so much to me and to all those who had participated. My heart was full of joy and my body full of dancing endorphins again. It didn’t matter at all that the train ride the next day didn’t last ten but twelve hours. I was the happiest and luckiest girl on the planet.

Thanks to my amazing two girls who were my company during these crazy 21 hours I have spent in Bellinzona. Wouldn’t have been the same without those two and we do have an appointment at our “Appointment Bench” next year.

Still… after the Bellinzona - Fun it was getting serious! Europeans were on their way and it felt like the most important competition for you this season, Deniss. The season hadn’t gone as planed yet for sure… plus: Skating really well there would give you the chance to medal. Even though I had been in Bellinzona it was really hard for me to follow the action in Minsk from home. But that week showed me what great friends I had got to know because of you, Deniss. Those girls, who kept me updated the entire week, and never forgot about me were my personal heros. Some special mentions: Jelena, who waved at me through the TV stream during the Ladies Short program. That was so hilarious and made my day. Szilvia, whom I would have loved to share that horrible hostel with. Maybe with the two of us that place would have been less spooky? And thanks to her for sending birthday wishes to my mom during the live stream of your fan meeting, Stéph. Marina, for telling me the “they-only-want-me”- story right after it had happened and for asking Brian Joubert about his inspiration for the tiger jacket. And my amazing girl Maria. Thanks for just everything. I felt with her and like her at every moment during the entire week. I shared her excitement, her fears, worries, tears and joy. And I am proud and thankful to all of the girls who organized both fan meetings and streamed it for us at home. You’ve got the most amazing fans, I really hope you know that both.

Deniss? We all know you gave your best! You wanted it so much and we know you actually are able to do everything you had planed. That makes the outcome of this competition so sad. Thanks for keeping your smile for us fans, thanks for still performing amazingly. Thanks for that intense gala-program. “Iron“ is now one of my personal top 5 programs of all times.

And Stéph? Your week must have been nerve-wracking and cruel. Thanks for being there for your students, giving them strength and confidence. Thanks for trying everything you could to support Deniss and Emmi and still staying that nice and friendly to us fans. The pressure must have been immense. Maria summed it up so perfectly as an Instagram caption, so I will quote her here: “Thanks for being in the world!”

February

During Euros you were so nice to confirm that Team Champéry would keep its tradition and would come to the Cup of Tyrol in Innsbruck, Stéph. The planing for us attending and supporting you at that event started the moment Europeans were over. That Sunday still after watching the Gala my mother and I booked the last available cheap apartment in the city centre of Innsbruck. All February long we were busy planing that trip but hadn’t there been another appointment in February? My second 10 hour long train ride was scheduled from February 15th to February 17th. Osnabrück - Davos and back. Art on Ice was about to happen. I imagined that trip to maybe be a little less exciting. I expected to watch the show, see you perform two wonderful programs and was also looking forward to see James Blunt live again after more than 10 years. Back in 2006 James Blunts concert had been the first concert I had ever visited, so it was going to be a bit nostalgic… But… probably no surprise anymore: Also this trip turned out to be so much better than expected.

The afternoon in Davos was beautiful already, the sun was shining brightly and we had an amazing walk through the snowy landscape. We managed to sneak in to watch the practice again and: I got the opportunity to talk to you, Stéph. It was short and since totally unexpected I also didn’t really know what to say but it was extremely special for me. And I could take a selfie with you. A picture I had wanted to have ever since my teenage years. I am not the type of person who collects pictures with celebrities. I think asking for a picture is such an unreal and awkward situation. But I really longed for that picture with you, Stéph. With the guy I used to tell all of my friends about, who all didn’t know you, because figure skating is not too popular in Germany. With the guy I had admired ever since my teenage years. With the guy that is in my opinion the most passionate and elegant skater ever. With the guy that touched me to tears and overwhelmed my emotions when skating to the song Goodbye my Lover some hours later. With the guy who gave his second last performance at Art on Ice ever that night.

I read your post about quitting Art on Ice when my train had almost reached Osnabrück again. I felt incredibly sad and incredibly blessed at the same time: I had still been able to see your magic. Art on Ice will miss you incredibly, Stéph. But you surely made the right decision for yourself and we as fans will support you and keep loving you no matter what projects will come for you in the future.

I had two more weeks until the crazy road trip to Innsbruck was about to happen but well… there was one weekend in between. And I found the perfect place to go for that weekend: Barcelona, Spain.

You have already heard some names of great people I got to know because of you two, but I haven’t told you about Laia yet what is a shame because, Deniss, you would certainly like Laia as much as I like her: She’s an artist, she draws amazingly. She’s a baker and an excellent cook. She’s a bit of a philosopher. She is a big Star Wars fan. She’s incredibly funny and sarcastic but at the same time a bit shy and introverted. And she is a big fan of the two of you. Even though you know the story how Laia and I met already, Deniss, I think it’s worth telling it here again: Laia was also at the Grand Prix in Grenoble. I didn’t know her back then. And we also didn’t meet at the event itself. But she was the girl who took the picture of you holding my baked gingerbread lion. I discovered that picture on Instagram some weeks later. We started to chat, and we chatted even more. I talked with her for hours because, Deniss, in many ways she seems like a female version of you.

So at that last weekend in February I took a plane to Barcelona to finally meet her in person. She showed me some skating tricks on the ice and I showed her that the mediterranean sea is not too cold to swim in in February. She introduced me to traditional Catalan food and I brought her some Swiss Chocolate I had bought in Davos.

And she gave me the most precious gift I ever received from anyone: An amazing drawing of you, Deniss, skating to “Iron“. You have seen it in Innsbruck yourself and I am quite sure you will remember it.

So that weekend was another amazing experience thanks to the two of you.

March

“Good morning everyone”, I told my Instagram followers totally excited at the morning of February 28th, “my last big journey of the figure skating season is about to start. I will drive to work first and then I will drive from my school via Frankfurt airport and Munich airport all the way to Innsbruck. It will be a really long journey but I will pick up some amazing girls on the way. And I actually can’t wait to see Deniss and Stéph tomorrow.”

The Cup of Tyrol in Innsbruck was the smallest event I visited this season but it highlighted up everything that had happened before. At the beginning of the season my mom and I had been alone. The trip to Innsbruck ended with seven good friends from five different countries sitting together in a small apartment, laughing and celebrating you, ourselves and life.

Marina had flown to Frankfurt from Kyiv and Szilvia from Budapest. Maria had come from Chelyabinsk, Russia, to Munich. I met both, Marina and Maria for the first time in real life and that alone was really special. Suddenly sitting with those three girls together in my small car, singing along to Britney Spears songs was unreal and amazing enough. But of course we were here to support you, Deniss.

All three of you, Chris included, seemed quite surprised to see us around. Cup of Tyrol was such a small competition. Why should anyone go there? Well, we were and we weren’t the only ones, even though probably the loudest ones. Here are again some very special moments picked from many special moments:

Imitating your car karaoke to Britney’s Toxic on our way to Innsbruck with Marina and Szilvia.

Stepping out of our apartment early Friday morning in Innsbruck and seeing this city in all of its beauty: The river, the colorful houses and the mountains in the beautiful morning sun.

Watching you skate a nice and clean short program after some struggles during practice.

Chris laughing loudly about our designed shirt for you, Deniss: “I am not coaching Stéph!” Do you wear it from time to time? If you don’t I am sure Chris would…

Giving you my self knitted hat in Latvia colors.

Showing you Laias drawing and you complimenting her amazing “shade work”.

You, Stéph, telling us that we were just about to hang up our “Team Champéry banner” mirror converted. Oh dear…

Suffering with every quad attempt. Cheering for every jump that seemed “okay” somehow- especially for underrotated quads…sorry Stéph, but that’s what fans are there for.

Crying with Matilda after her Free Program. It was hard to see this but those moments belong to the sport just as tears of joy at another time. Please, Stéph, tell Matilda, that she is a very beautiful skater. She is very graceful and a joy to watch on the ice and we all hope to see her shining on the ice sometime again.

Calling ourselves to be the “Crazy Rabbit Crew” after constantly eating carrots and joking about what to throw on the ice. Carrots, maybe?

Watching your little extra show on the ice after you won the title, Deniss.

Joking with you, Stéph about our petition to bring Britney Spears to Art on Ice.

And for me, personally, receiving the compliment from you, Stéph, of being such a positive person. I am aware that you, the first time you said it, thought that my positivity was even a bit too much when we discussed the success of your Quad attempts, Deniss, but when we all said goodbye I had the honest feeling that you liked me, Stéph. And that means more than a lot to me!

And of course THAT picture. Yes, again a celebrity picture. But what a special one. Standing in the middle of both of you. In the middle of the two people who made my winter. You didn’t understand it back then, right?

I am sure you understand it now!

Of course Innsbruck hadn’t been the end of the season yet: Worlds were yet to come. Far away in Japan. The competition where you wanted to show everyone what you actually could do. In the country that you love so much and where your season had started. The country on which history your free program was built. The Last Samurai. The last dance of the season. It was a hard week for us as fans because it was obviously a hard week for your whole team. I watched the Short Program locked into the music room of my school during our break. Afterwards I had to teach a Music lesson, singing cheerful and happy songs with eight year olds. It was tough. But I can hardly imagine how tough it was for you.

The free program was a huge fight. After everything you had gone through that week, it was even an incredible fight. The score still wasn’t probably what you had dreamed of neither the placement in the end.

But you can be incredibly proud of that fight, Deniss. This whole season was surely a hard learning process. It was a season without a single competition you were completely happy with. After all the hard work you put in every single day it must be horribly frustrating. I got to know you though as a person who is thinking thoroughly about everything. And I got to know you as a person who is able to see this season as a learning process for the future. You never stopped performing no matter what happened to the jumps. All three programs this year were incredibly well choreographed and performed even better. And during that hard and rocky road you made so many people incredibly happy.

Stéph, this winter was surely also a hard one for you. One of the reasons why I like you that much is that you, just as I do myself, put your whole heart and passion into everything you do. I could feel your pain when things didn’t turn out as you wanted them to go for your skaters. It must be so hard to just watch and not being able to actually do something in those moments. I do imagine those intense emotions you had during your last Art on Ice shows. Thanks so much for sharing some of these moments with us.

And equally I want to thank you, Chris: Thank you so much for being there for the whole team whenever you are needed. Thanks for staying calm, positive and objective throughout the season. Thanks for sometimes probably being the connection between the two artists. I am sure it hasn’t always been easy. Thanks for the great cooperation with us fans. You are doing an amazing job in every way.

You as a team managed to go through this season together and I hope with my whole heart that it brought you even closer together. Success, failure, joy and sorrow are so close together in this sport. The future seasons will bring all of that again. And I am looking forward to laugh, cry and celebrate with you again next winter and hopefully many more winters. Until then I will spend time with some of the amazing people I met on the road. Next weekend Szilvia and I will visit Marina in Kyiv. It will be another amazing trip. You are about to make my spring, too!

#teamchampery #denissvasiljevs #Stephane Lambiel #figure skating #fanreview #teamchampéry #stéphane lambiel #figureskater #figureskatingfan

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changbeanie · 6 years

Text

roommates △ lee felix

genre: roommate au, songwriter au, fluff

pairings: reader x felix

word count: 3,541

description: My roommate is so much more than just a pretty boy.

Meeting with Felix - 3PM

I wrapped my hands around my vanilla latte, sitting in front of the coffee shop near my apartment complex. I had recently put up an offer on Facebook stating that I needed a new roommate, since Woojin left for graduate school. The next day, a guy named Felix messaged me asking me about the offer. Currently, I am sitting outside a corner cafe waiting for this person to show up, who is apparently ten minutes late.

What if he doesn’t show up?

I checked the time on my phone for the fifth time, reloading the text messages in case I missed something. Nothing. He didn’t send me a “oh, I’ll be late because of traffic” or a “something came up, I’ll be late”. My impatience was settling in as I tapped my feet on the concrete floor, stirring the iced drink in my hands.

“Hey, I’m so sorry I’m late. Y/n right?” A deep voice called out.

I saw the owner of the voice take quick strides towards the table I was sitting at. The guy looked pretty decent. He looked clean; he wore a nice white tee shirt paired with a brown leather jacket on top, along with a nice pair of black skinnies.

He must be Felix, and he’s so pretty.

I held my hand out and greeted him, “Hey, Felix. Yeah, I’m Y/n. Nice to meet you.”

Felix took my hand and shook it. “Y/n, I’m so sorry. I was stuck in traffic, and then I couldn’t find parking for a good five minutes because some guy was trying to reverse out. Then he blocked the entire row of cars behind him.”

Woah, his voice does not match his pretty face.

I laughed wholeheartedly at his little encounter. “I get what you’re saying. The parking is terrible here. I don’t know whether it’s the drivers or the parking infrastructure itself.”

He shook his head and grinned. “Both?”

“Most likely. So uh...do you want to order a drink or something?”

He pulled out the chair in front of me and took a seat. “It’s fine. I had coffee earlier. So, are you a student on campus?”

I responded, “Yeah, I was looking for a roommate because my previous roommate graduated and is on his way to pursuing a master’s. I didn’t expect to get a response from you so early.”

Felix chuckled, “I recently transferred here, and I need a place to stay as soon as possible. I’ve been commuting from my parent’s place to campus back and forth. To be honest, it’s tedious.”

“Oh, I see. Felix, I’m just going to cut to the chase. As long as you pay your rent on time and you’re a decent person with morals, then the apartment is yours. I think you already know this, but it’s just the two of us with separate bedrooms. The living and kitchen areas are shared, and you have your own bathroom as well as two closets. Bonus! There’s also a balcony, and the washers and dryers are inside as well,” I informed him.

Felix made an “o” shape with his mouth as he tapped his fingers on the table in front of him. “Is the rent still a thousand then? Including utilities?”

“Yup, but you have to get it fast. Another person messaged me about the offer already,” I threw in.

Trust me, I’m an economics major.

“No no no, I’ll take it. I want it. My parents want me to move out as soon as possible because I’ve been a bit too dependent on them. When’s the soonest I can move in?” He held his hands in front of him to signify that he really wanted the apartment.

You’re lucky you’re cute.

Leaning back on my chair, I did a little mental calculation of the time. If he were to move in today, then there’d be too much paperwork to handle. Plus, he probably wouldn’t be settled in until midnight or later. Also, furniture would be a problem because Woojin’s room was empty at the moment, except for a desk that he had left behind. Maybe tomorrow would be better, tomorrow morning.

I snapped out of my reverie. Felix intertwined his fingers as he looked over at me expectantly with wide eyes. I exhaled and smiled. “You got the apartment, and you can move in tomorrow!”

Felix’s eyes crinkled into crescent moons as he took my hand and shook it with both hands. “Thank you so much, Y/n! You don’t understand how much trouble I went through to find an apartment. You saved my life.”

I softened at his reaction. “As long as you clean up after yourself and stay quiet after eleven at night, then I’m cool.”

“What if I don’t?” he challenged.

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you sure you want an answer to that?”

Felix let go of my hand immediately. “Nope, I understand.”

At the crack of dawn, I crossed my arms and stood in front of the doorway, dumbfounded. Standing there in my strawberry pajamas and Totoro slippers, I stared blankly at the pile of boxes as tall as the door itself.

“I’m almost done. I only have my suitcases and a few little boxes,” Felix grunted as he placed the boxes down in the living room.

I scratched my head in confusion. “How do you have more plushes than I do? I only have Truffles, and that’s it. You’re one human being, how many stuffed animals do you need?”

Felix shook his head at me in disappointment. “You don’t understand. This one is for cuddling. This one is for draping your leg over, and this one is for creating a barrier between me and the edge of the bed. In case I fall off.” He pointed to a bear, a long caterpillar pillow, and a cat plush.

What the fuck?

Blinking incredulously, I changed the topic. “Do you want me to help you unpack? Like any pieces of furniture you want me to assemble?”

Felix pointed to a box. “You can unpack those. I just have random notebooks and papers in that. You can file it in the desk in my room and arrange it in the drawers. Feel free to unpack the other boxes as well. My clothes are in my suitcases, so I’ll take care of that.”

“For one person, Felix, you have a lot of shit.”

“Hey hey, useful shit.”

I chuckled, “Whatever you say.”

As Felix was assembling his bed in his room, I sorted his notebooks and supplies on the living room floor. For a college student, he didn’t have many textbooks, but rather, he had a fair amount of books with songwriting tips. Curiously, I grabbed a book and flipped through several of the pages, skimming the contents inside.

“Just stare outside the window for a very long time and don’t say a thing,” I read quietly, nodding my head in agreement.

The apartment does have a really big window for Felix to sit by and stare outside for a very long time. He might even get a good view of the city to inspire him.

Most of the tips were ridiculous, but then again, music itself was pretty ridiculous. Some of the greatest songs every made, let’s say from The Beatles, were just a series of repetitive phrases with the same catchy beat over and over again. Nonetheless, people loved it; I even loved it. That’s what makes it absurd. Writing music isn’t a popular profession, mainly because of the pay and the lack of recognition songwriters get. Most songwriters don’t even gain recognition because their songs don’t become a hit until years and years later. If Felix puts in this much effort into this hobby, he must be really passionate about it.

Isn’t he a computer engineering major though?

“Y/n! I need help! I don’t know how to assemble this,” Felix cries from his bedroom.

I laughed at his desperation. “There are instructions in the box. Read it.” I figured after an hour of tinkling with parts, he’d eventually give up, and I was right.

“No, you don’t understand! This makes absolutely no sense!”

I got up from the carpet and placed his notebooks on the wooden coffee table. “Are you sure? Maybe you’re just not good at assembling things. You didn’t need my help at first.”

I walked inside Felix’s bedroom and stared at the mess in front of me. Several parts of the bed were thrown across the other side of the room, and in the middle sat Felix, looking disheveled as his sleeves were scrunched all the way to his elbows and his brown hair a rat’s nest. He looked over at me with pleading eyes and mouthed the word “help”. Shaking my head at him disapprovingly, I motioned him to hand over the instructions.

“Felix, what happened to you? We’ve only met for two days, and you’ve already shown such a flawed aspect of yourself,” I teased, gently mocking his disordered state.

Felix let out a long sigh and threw his hands in the air. “I know, I’m so bad at this. I’m distressed.” To show just how distressed he was, he used his hands to scrunched his cheeks, elongating the dark circles under his eyes from all the packing he accomplished last night.

“You’re still in your pajamas, Y/n,” he stated.

I laid out some of the pieces according to the instructions in my hands. “Get used to it, Pretty Boy. I practically live in pajamas.” I told him as I started to do an entire layout of his bed prior to assembling.

He stood up and cracked his back. “I’m going to let you do this as I unpack the rest of the boxes.”

I hummed in agreement.

“Felix, I hate you already,” I mumbled tiredly, leaning my head on the back of the couch.

He sat next to me, propping his sore legs on the coffee table. “I would too. I made you assemble an entire bed in two hours, but on the bright side, the room’s almost finished.”

I turned my head to face him. “What else do you still need?”

“Unpacking my clothes,” he muttered as his eyes fluttered close.

Felix must have been tired from packing last night and moving in so early in the morning. It was already evening, and the both of us barely had anything to eat.

“Do you want to order takeout? My treat.,” I asked, poking the side of his thigh to wake him up. The boy needed to eat.

His eyes shot open. “Really?”

“Yeah. Chinese or Thai?”

Felix scratched his head, “I kinda want Pad Thai, if that’s okay with you.”

“Oooh, and do you want to watch a movie too? I have Netflix connected to my TV.” I suddenly remembered as I reached under the pillow cushions for the remote.

His eyes widened. “YES. I need to relax after such a stressful day. At home during the weekends, I used to lay on the couch and watch movies from twelve at noon to twelve at midnight. No wonder why my parents wanted me out of the house.”

I nudged his arm playfully. “No way. I do that too. I would only get up to use the restroom and get more food. We’re the epitome of couch potatoes. Hey, but once school starts, the couch potato life ends.”

“We can indulge once in a while. It can be our thing every other weekend or something.”

Our thing?

I was intrigued.

Felix was a lot more outgoing than Woojin. Back when Woojin was my roommate, I rarely saw him. Not because we didn’t get along, but because he was a grad student. He spent most of his time teaching classes, working on his thesis, and sleeping. The only time we’d even see each other in the apartment were in the mornings. I would make his share of the coffee, and that’s it. Felix was the first roommate who I’ve gotten along with so well after only a day of meeting. He was just so open and initiative about everything; he was a straightforward person, and I liked that.

“What movie would you like to watch?” I asked, “There’s not a lot cuz Netflix is stingy, but I usually go for either classics or comedies.”

Felix reached over and grabbed the remote from my hands, brushing my palm with the back of his hand. “I’m in the mood for a long movie. Maybe Forrest Gump or Titanic?”

I smiled sheepishly and replied, “Why not both? We have time for both.”

“I like your way of thinking.”

“You know, I recently rewatched an interview, and even Kate Winslet herself said that Jack could have totally fit on that floating piece of wood,” I said, fumbling with the chopsticks in my hands. Eventually, I gave up and reached in the brown paper bag for a fork.

Felix chuckled and responded, “No no, it’s for the dramatized effect. Jack can’t live. He needs to die in order for the film to be remembered. It’s an artistic piece about death and separation. If he lived, no one would even debate about the ending of Titanic today, twenty years later.”

“Felix,” I groaned, “I remember my heart breaking when Leonardo DiCaprio died. Their love story was so beautiful.”

“Do you know what makes it even more beautiful? The fact that Rose remembered him so clearly eighty years after his death. Even though she probably remarried and had grand kids, she remembers Jack as if it were yesterday,” Felix explained, his chopsticks poking at the Pad Thai in his hands.

I smiled, glancing between the screen and Felix. “You’re so sentimental. No wonder you’d make a great songwriter.”

“W-wait,” he turned towards me, “You didn’t read any of my notebooks, did you?”

I suppressed a laugh and replied, “Of course not! I would never invade your privacy like that. Those songs must have been very personal and dear to you. I know how much you would hate to have a complete stranger snoop around in something so private. I did read your textbooks on songwriting though, and they’re quite interesting.”

Pretty Boy raised a brow at me and asked me skeptically, “Like what?”

“Like how you can sit my that window right there,” I pointed to the side of the living room, “You can get a ton of inspiration as you gaze longingly into the distance.”

Felix pitched in, “Yes that works, but sometimes it’s a lot easier to incorporate your experiences and feelings into songs. In a way, that’s one method to preserve a story and make it memorable.”

“Do you write songs for anyone?” I asked Felix.

“I write for a few of my friends. You should totally listen to their SoundCloud. They’re freaking amazing.”

My jaw dropped.

He actually wrote songs for people? How impressive is that?

“Yeah, just send me the link, and I’ll check them out when I have time,” I replied, growing quiet once again as the both of us focused on the climax of the movie.

“Run, Felix, run,” I said to him as he quickly placed the leftovers in the fridge for tomorrow.

We were just about to start Forrest Gump, but the food coma was slowly kicking in our systems. As he left the couch, I quickly adjusted the quilted pillows on top to make it more comfortable for the both of us. I curled my legs up on the couch. Taking notice of the time, it was already dark outside and the street lights had turned on.

I felt the couch cushion sink beside me, breaking me from my trance.

Felix handed me a soda as he fell back against the couch, propping his legs up on the coffee table again.

He opened the can of Coke and took a sip. “I needed this after a long day.”

“You even brought soda?” I gaped as I opened the can. No wonder his boxes were so heavy.

“Do you not drink soda?” he asked worriedly.

I shook my head quickly. “No it’s not that. Who the hell packs soda when they move in?”

“I do,” he responded with a flat face.

I let out a laugh, “You’re really lucky you’re cute.”

Felix smirked, “You think I’m cute?’

I took a sharp intake of breath when I realized what I had said. To play it cool, I responded, “I mean, I call you ‘Pretty Boy’, so you must be pretty decently attractive.”

“I’m not just a pretty boy. Y/n.”

“I know. You’re a pretty boy who can write amazing songs and do Taekwondo,” I smiled at him.

His eyes widened in confusion. “How did you know?”

I pointed over to a box on the side of the couch. “The trophies, you fool.”

Felix let out a sarcastic grin as he took another sip of his soda.

I diverted my attention back to the movie, but I found it extremely hard to focus as my eyelids started to grow heavy.

Halfway though the movie, I was practically laying on the couch in a comfortable position as I propped my legs up on the arm of the couch. Beside me, Felix had a pillow tucked underneath his arm, and both of his legs were curled underneath a blanket. He ran his hands lazily through his hair as he shifted a bit to the right, closer towards me.

Feeling sleepy, I laid my head on his shoulder instinctively. To my surprise, not only did he not flinch, he shifted even closer towards me, making sure he was in a comfortable position as well. Felix removed the throw pillow from beneath his arm, and carefully lifted my head to wrap his arm around my shoulder, tucking my head right in the crook of his neck. Content with the influx of warmth from Felix, I snuggled closer to the source.

In my sleepy state, my eyesight started to dim as I fixated my eyes the screen. The flickering of the scenes created shadows in my field of vision. Slowly, the entire room started to dim as a curtain of grey descended from above. I felt comfortable in Felix’s embrace as his calm breathing soothed me, his chest rising up and down in rhythmic motions. I blinked slowly and darkness consumed me before I knew it. The ambience and warmth had lulled me to sleep.

Right before I knocked out, I felt Felix’s head rest on top of time.

I was in a deep sleep when the noise of someone shuffling disturbed my slumber. The sound of slippers flopping against the wooden floors prevented me from falling back asleep. I turned slightly, wrapping my arms around the warm pillow beside me as I buried my face in it. The hazy memories from last night slowly crept in. I was watching a movie with Felix, and then I fell asleep on the couch. Then I remembered — Felix.

Immediately, I sat up straight, unraveling my arms from his waist.

Felix groaned in his sleep and stirred, his eyes peeking open. “Why do you move so much when you sleep?” His husky morning voice echoed in my ear.

Wait, then who’s the one shuffling around?

“Seungmin’s here,” I realized.

“YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?” he gasped. Felix was fully awake now.

I snickered and said, “No, you goof. He’s my brother. He said he was going to bring something over today, but I was so preoccupied with helping you unpack that I completely forgot.”

Seungmin shook his head as he carried over two mugs from the kitchen. “I can’t believe you guys fell asleep on the couch. Do you know how bad that is for your back?”

“He’s a doctor,” I whispered over to Felix.

Felix straighted up and offered my brother his hand. “Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Felix, Y/n’s new roommate.”

Seungmin narrowed his eyes at him but took his hand nonetheless. “Roommate huh? Pretty cozy for roommates.”

I tousled my messy bed hair and took a sip of coffee. “We watched movies and fell asleep after a busy day of unpacking.”

“Just roommates?”

I sighed, knowing what my brother was hinting at. “Felix, go brush. I need a word with Seungmin.”

“Oh, okay,” he responded slowly. Felix got up and straightened his clothes before making his way towards the bathroom.

Seungmin crossed his arms. “Explain yourself.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “First of all, don’t act so privileged. We’re the same age for god's sake. Second, we’re just roommates. Third, he’s cute, so don’t scare him away.”

“Well, do you like him?”

“No,” I blurted, “Okay, maybe just a crush, but I want to know him better. Don’t ruin it for me.”

Seungmin snickered, “I’m not going to ruin it. Your life is miserable enough.”

I realized what he had done. The prick had taken pictures of me sleeping on the couch next to Felix. I grabbed his arm. “Hand me the phone.”

“No,” he smirked.

I swear Kim Seungmin. You’re dead to me.

“I’m going to show Mom and Dad that you finally got yourself a man after all these years.”

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buckisthatyou · 6 years

Text

More Than This - 4

Pairing: Bucky x Reader, Bucky x Natasha

Word Count: 1817

Summary: Sleeping with Bucky Barnes is a mistake as he does not know your true feelings for him and now he is dating Natasha.

Warnings: Angst, Language

Part 3

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

Author note: Out of all time I have and my mind decided that 3 am is the best time to fucking write this. :’))) wow the audacity. so i apologized for any errors. im half sleeping and also english is not my native language. i hope you enjoy this part. and also that you’re going to have a great weekend.

He remembers.

You stare at your phone screen, reading the text over and over again. You try to come out with an excuse but you know Bucky will know you are lying. You shake your head, not knowing what to do. Should you ignore him and break the promise? The promise you thought he would forget just because he has a girlfriend now? The promise you thought he would forget just because you have ignored him for weeks, to keep your feelings away? You sigh again. You really are clueless.

Fuck feelings and emotions.

Right?

You begin typing your reply but deleting it after.

Why it is so goddamn hard to text him back? Why things are not the way it used to?

You decide a simple Okay will be just fine. But you still doubting your decision.

Is this right?

What if you hurt yourself again?

What if you hurt him?

The never ending question of What if surrounds your mind.

“Hey, y/n. Looking all serious there, is everything okay?” your colleague comes, his voice startles you.

You cover your worried look with a chuckle, putting your phone aside, you turn your head to him.

“Nothing big.” You give him a smile.

If he is close enough, he will know that it is a fake smile. A smile you have been practiced quite often since you found Bucky has a girl and it just happened not to be you.

“If you say so. Oh, by the way, can you come along with me to the 3pm meeting today? We can go to lunch together before heading to the meeting.” he kindly asking you.

Sensing the hopeful spirit in his tone, you nod.

“Sure. The one with John Co. right?”

“Amazing! I’ll wait for you at the lobby at 12.30. And yes it is the one with John.” He gives you another wide smile before walk off from your desk.

You take a look at your clock, you have another 3 hours before 12.30. You decide to prepare your files for the meeting before continue writing on your reports. Mind is focused on the task beforehand making you forget about Bucky and the damn concert date.

Bucky mentally prepared to impress you tonight. He wants everything to be perfect. He wants to make sure you enjoy yourself and be happy. He wants you to forget about the pain you have been through. Whatever is the source of your problem is, he wants it to be gone.

Searching for the one and only fancy floral shirt he owns, he can’t stop but to grin, thinking he will finally get to be with you again after so long. After exploring the entire wardrobe, he finally found the shirt, the one Sam gave to him as a joke because according to Sam, Winter Soldier is lame and so out of time. Spring Soldier is more unique and interesting. He never wore it because he thinks it is ridiculous but he knows how much you adore men in floral shirt.

“Wow!”

He heard you said. He turned to you. What had caused you to be amazed because the television was showing a boring advertisement. It couldn’t be because of it, could it?

“What?” he asked you, out of curiousity.

You widen your eyes, suddenly they darted away from looking at him as you brought your phone closer to your chest.

“Ummm. Nothing.”

He didn’t believe it. You must be hiding something. Something in your phone.

“Cmon. You can’t keep secret from me. Let me see what is it.” He pleaded.

His arm reaching for your phone but you turned your body away, avoiding him.

“Nothing, I swear to God, Buck.”

He noticed you got defensive, he smirked as an idea came to mind.

“Okay” he said, positioning himself on the couch comfortably before continuing watching the tv show.

But once he was sure you were not looking at him, he attacked your body. Hands on your waist, tickling you.

“Attack!” he yelled.

“Bucky no! Stop! Please. Oh God!”

You were half screaming, half laughing.

“I tell, I t-tell you but- God no Bucky! Stop!”

“Alright” he said with a smirk, detaching his hands from your body. But they were still in a ready position. In case you tricked him.

“It just stupid” you sighed as you sat up properly.

“Nothing is stupid when it comes to you, sweetheart.” He assured you.

“You tell me.” You handed him your phone.

He looked at it, a smile creeped on his face began to be bigger.

“Don’t laugh, Bucky” you warned him.

He let out a small chuckle, he couldn’t help it. “He looks good. But you know what doll? I’m much better.”

He said nonchalantly as he handing back your phone to you.

“Tell me, Barnes. How you can be so much better than Rami Malek in floral shirt? No offence, you are cute and you definitely can look better than any man if you try but Rami Malek? I doubt it, Bucky.”

“You will see, y/n. You will see.” he replied. He wasn’t supposed to be mad but the idea of you adoring another man made him kinda mad.

“Whatever you say, Bucky. You don’t even own anything other than your black t-shirt, your denim jacket, your red Henley and your fighting suit.” You playfully told him as you enjoyed the view of Winter Soldier pouting beside you on the couch.

He grabs a white shirt along with a black jeans to be paired with the tropical floral print button down shirt.

“Rami Malek who?” he says as he lays down those outfit on his bed. A smile does not leave his face.

The clock besides his bed shows that it is time for lunch, he takes out his phone, checking for your message. But nothing comes from you. The smile once never leave now is replaced with a frown. Many questions come to his mind. Not one of them is a good thought. But he doesn’t give up on you. Maybe you just too busy to reply. At least you read his text, that’s good right? You must know he coming tonight. You must know that he hasn’t forget about the important date.

After an hour waiting for your reply, Bucky starts to lose faith. You probably ignore him on purpose like you did these few weeks. He sighs. Laying on his bed, he closes his eyes, thinking to take a nap before he gets ready to see you. He doesn’t care you don’t reply to his text, he will still see you. He wants to.

But the sound of his door being opened makes him opens his eyes, turning to the doorframe, standing Natasha with a smile.

“Hey” she greets him.

“James! You know about it?” she jumps excitedly.

Bucky’s eyebrows are knitted together, trying to make sense of what his girl is saying. “What?” He asks her.

“About the date. I was planning to make it up to you since I left our breakfast date, so I thought of going out tonight. I already asked Tony to make a reservation for the two of us at this one restaurant.” She explains, making her way to his side.

“And I must say this outfit you pick is amazing. I can’t wait to see you in the floral shirt.” She continues, her eyes looking at the spread out outfit on his bed.

“I-I..” he tries to tell her about you. About the promise he makes to you but as soon as he feels her soft lips against his lips, he forgets about everything and just melts.

“Don’t forget 7pm alright, James.” she says as she breaks apart from him.

Bucky is still in heaven, having to taste her sweet kiss makes him living in cloud nine and he doesn’t want to come down. Not just yet.

He nods as Natasha leans in to kiss his cheek. “7 okay? I see you later.”

As his gaze follows the Black Widow until she disappears out of his sight, he begins to realize about the promise. Instantly reaching for his phone, he finds nothing. Still no message from you. He thinks it is best to go out with his girlfriend now as you clearly don’t want to spend time with him.

You are finally home and you are relieved. Taking off your shoes, you walk to your room. Quickly picking out an outfit for tonight, you go off to take a hot shower. You have no enough time to waste as your meeting take a lot longer than what you expected. To convince the party to accept and join the project with the company you work with is tough but thankfully you managed to do it. But it doesn’t change the fact that you have less than two hours to prepare yourself for tonight.

You are waiting for Bucky nervously. You don’t know what to say to him. Last night you were crying in front of him asking him to go home as he tried his best to comfort you. You shake your head as you want the image to be gone. Forever. Hopefully nothing is too awkward between the two of you. Though you still doubt it.

15 minutes after 7 and Bucky still doesn’t show up. It worries you as Bucky never late. Never. In fact, he always five minutes early.

Checking your phone, there is no message from him. You click his contact name, checking for the message he has sent you, making sure he promised to come by at 7 tonight.

As you open the message, you realize you haven’t even reply to him. You curse yourself. No wonder there is no respond from him. He must be thinking you don’t want to see him.

Fuck. How you always manage to make the worst thing to become even worse?

You quickly call his number.

Ring.

Pick up the phone Bucky.

Ring.

“Hello”

You sigh, relieved.

“Hey, Buck I-”

“y/n? Bucky is in the bathroom. Are you okay?”

You realize the voice does not belong to Bucky but a woman. It must be Natasha.

“Can you tell him I’m rea-” you are cut off by her voice, sounds like she is talking to someone.

“Thank you, we will order soon. I’m waiting for my boyfriend. He is in the bathroom right now.”

You figure she is talking to a waiter. She is in a restaurant with Bucky.

They are having a date. Together.

“y/n? Hello? Sorry about that. What is it that you wanna talk about?”

She asks you politely.

It makes you smile a little. Always as nice as Bucky. They are perfect for each other.

“No. It is nothing. I’m sorry for bothering you. Bye.”

You end the phone call. Looking down at your outfit, you let out a dry laugh.

“You are so pathetic, y/n.”

Part 5

@mizz-kraziii @queenoftrash97 @fran-writes @amindfulloffanfictions @grosskyjaja @v-2bucky @jaysaku @lovely-geek @shamvictoria11 @whiw0lf @swtmckngbrd @shadowblack1 @inkedhalfblood @photography-to-all @themoonandherstuff @hadesgirl1015 @killjoynotes

#angst #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x natasha romanoff #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes #sebastian stan

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penguinrecovery96 · 5 years

Text

Update Time *Trigger Warning*

I haven’t really done a post on here in what feels like ages! That is primarily based on the fact that I have been doing absolutely fucking shite. Both my mental and physical health have been deteriorating and just feeding into one another. If you are physically ill you are bound to feel awful mentally too. I was already struggling anyway but now things are really bad. It is different to where I was at last summer. I am not actively suicidal but “risky behaviours” are intense. The problem is that I am completely desensitised to this risk taking behaviour and it does not seem as severe as professionals are telling me so their reactions seem extreme to me.

I ended up taking an overdose at the beginning of the month. This was following an extremely stressful appointment with my care coordinator (who will be referenced throughout this post as N). I knew this wasn’t the right way to deal with how I was feeling so I disclosed this and obviously went to the hospital following this. I believe this was the subject of my last post so I will leave it here.

I told N that I would engage with HTT (otherwise known as crishit team) and I had an assessment with them. This went badly and I wrote a well thought out letter to N stating the reasons why this was the wrong service for me. She just thought I was being very BPD and overemotional. Because I was refusing everything and we just had oposing views and I was really struggling things came to ahead. N ended up saying that this was it and she was going to take me to A&E to get admitted there to a psych ward. I somehow managed to convince her that that did not need to happen and surrendered to HTT.

This is were things just plateaued.

I received no support for a week and a half. Nothing from HTT. N was ignoring my texts and anxiety took over. I completely shut down. I pushed away all of my friends and family. In came some new “coping” techniques - ligaturing and using meds to sedate myself.

As you will have learnt by my last post I was diagnosed with anaemia. This alongside acid reflux (and probably another medical diagnosis that has not been fully explored yet) made me really physically unwell and upped the anti of this relapse.

So using medications to knock me out, feeling like complete shit and a hot BPD mess of a person, bulimia knocking me for six, ligaturing and overdosing is what my time over the past few weeks has looked like. N also went off work sick and didn’t return until late last week...

HTT got involved but I still wasn’t actually receiving the care that I had been told I would in the way I would. It was very hit and miss and it wasn’t like they were actually doing anything for me.

I took a small overdose on 31st Jan which I told HTT about when I spoke to them on the friday. I only disclosed this because they knew I had been overdosing. This was not a big od at all yet they made me go to the hospital. So obviously I was pissed because my Dad was off work so I had to go because I didn’t want the police or an ambulance turning up at my door, especially because my Dad had no idea I was struggling. I also had an appt prebooked with HTT and the hospital and their base are in the same location. I went and had bloods and ECG done. I was feeling awful physically and just wanted to sleep. Mentally, I was annoyed and triggered by being at A&E. So I left. When it got to my HTT appt, I did go but it was massively interrupted by a phone call by the hospital to the team asking me to go back because of my anaemia in order to discuss treatment further with them. I was reluctant because I just thought it was very basic info like taking iron tablets and that I was just going to sit in A&E for ages. I spoke to the doctor and they also spoke to the nurse I was with and it did just seem routine. They convinced me to go back so I did, was triaged again and then eventually a different doctor called me through. He took me through to a room in majors and said “You know you have anaemia right?”, I replied “yes but its a very new diagnosis”. He said “Yep, you need a blood transfusion” with such intensity. I was extremely shocked because this was definitely not what I was expecting! I definitely didn’t want to be in hospital and I didn’t think things were that bad. I think I will do a seperate post on this in itself but this was an extremely intense night which massively triggered my mental health and I really did struggle with it all. Least I know my blood type now though, it is 0 Positive for those wondering. I am definitely not like my blood type right now!!!

I was only in overnight thank god but things didn’t improve in the slightest. I am having a bit of difficulty with dissociation and obviously everything all together and they way I am dealing with it all doesn’t help that and so I am struggling to remember things and remember days. Everything is merging into one so it is making it hard to make this post.

Next thing I remember it is Monday 4th January.

I had a 3pm appt with HTT and N. I was looking forward to getting to see N, hoping that she was okay now after her sick leave and thinking that I would have time prior to the appt to speak to her. This wasn’t the case. N arrived and we all went in. I gave N a note that basically updated her on how things had been. HTT said they wanted to review how I was doing and my thoughts on HTT’s involvement. I said that I didn’t think it was necessarily helping and that things have just gotten worse. I mentioned that I needed it to stick to a small group of people that I see like we had originally planned and if someone different has to see me to try and notify me beforehand.

Then I really do not know what happened.

All of a sudden N said “I think this is the end of the road now Hannah. I think we have gotten to that point.” I was just baffled. They were admitting me to hospital!! I was seriously, even at that point just thinking that it would be a go home and we will find you a place to go but it will be a few days to maybe a week kinda situation. Nope. I was wrong! And Naive!

Nicola said that I look like shit and that she thinks I have lost loads of weight since she saw me last. (I will do a more in depth post about this particular day and maybe a more in depth post about the actual ward I was on too).

I spent from Monday night until Thursday evening on an assessment unit. This place completely ignored my eating disorder which was fine by me cause it meant I could just easily lose weight there. It was better than the wards I have been on but still I only ever left my room late at night when the other patients were in bed, to go to the clinic or see staff/drs/etc or the three times I was allowed to leave the ward. I self harmed x3, ligatured x2, didn’t eat anything at all and I ended up absconding and taking an overdose. These don’t make it seem so great and alongside the fact that I did not receive the appropriate treatment for these things, yeah not great.

Finally, I have been out for 3 nights now. The follow up treatment has been appalling! It has left me feeling again like cutting services out of my life and going at it alone. Things are not good and I am not coping I am not going to sugar coat it but I have not received any support since leaving hospital. My care coordinator is off again (this time I think its a holiday) and no one seems to know when she is returning. But I am kinda done with services. I sat there in tears the other day speaking to the manager of CMHT and told her straight that it would be easier if I was actively suicidal because I would have just done it and taken my stockpile but I am stuck with cutting, overdosing, ligaturing and the ED stuff in order to manage it all. She did not respond to that one. Its true though. Im a coward and it would be easier to be in the place where I’d just take them all and end it.

Stupid.

This is my sad, pathetic and bland, cyclical life. Thank you if you read all of this.

#eating disorders #bulimia #self harm #eupd #bpd #mental health #inpatient #crisis team #cmht #care coordinator #suicidal thoughts #crishit team #home treatment team #blood transfusion #anaemia #a&e #hospital #trigger warning

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elasticmatchbox · 5 years

Text

i was pregnant

I was pregnant, and now I’m not.

We have this narrative of miscarriages. Pain, blood, shock, grief. Silence.

We don’t talk about it. We don’t share our experiences. We aren’t given space to mourn. We pull each other aside to divulge our own histories, our own pain. We whisper quietly after the topic has come up casually. We send a meaningful text or email, after the fact, to express our condolences and solidarity. We don’t tell people about our pregnancies because the risk of a miscarriage is so high, and then we don’t talk about the miscarriage because no one knew about the pregnancy. We suffer silently, we grieve alone.

My first positive pregnancy test was a Tuesday morning. We’d tested over the weekend and watched the HCG levels from my trigger shot go down to zero. After that, any line that showed up the next few days was a positive result. Tuesday morning we woke up at 5:45 to test. I’d get up, pee on a stick, put it down, and Elisabeth would start the timer. We’d wait our three minutes, then she’d pick up the test from the bathroom and carry it to the light in the kitchen. We’d hold hands and suspend our breath, and look on the count of three. And sure enough, Tuesday morning, a faint blue line appeared.

Wednesday morning, faint blue line.

Thursday morning, faint blue line.

The box says we’re pregnant. Forums, conventional wisdom, everyone says a line is a line and a line means pregnant. It wasn’t getting darker, but we read account after account of lines staying faint until weeks into the pregnancy.

Thursday we went to the hospital for a blood draw. This was our big day, our beta test. Today was the day we confirm the results we’ve gotten at home. They took my blood and I went to work. All day I checked my phone between sessions, watching for a missed call. At 3pm, I got a voicemail. I called Elisabeth from my office and we listened together, breath suspended. “Congratulations, Katherine. You are pregnant.” She immediately burst into tears and I gasped, unable to feel the floor beneath me. We listened to it over and over, letting it sink in. This is it. We’re pregnant.

We got instructions for a follow-up test, two days later. We ordered What to Expect When You’re Expecting, on rush delivery. Elisabeth picked me up at work, bouquet of flowers in hand. We ordered a pizza to celebrate. I referred to myself as “we” and repeated “I’m pregnant” under my breath. Elisabeth kissed my belly over and over. We giggled, we cried. We drowned ourselves and each other in gratitude. We’d finally made it.

IVF had been grueling. My body responded well to the drugs, which produced great results but made every inch of me, inside and out, hypersensitive to the world. I cried constantly. My breasts grew a full cup size over the course of a week. My belly puffed out as my ovaries swelled. Ultrasounds became even more excruciating than usual. Being injected with so many hormones made me feel tiny and desperate to be held. It also made the physical act of holding me too painful to bear. But at the end of it all, we had seven frozen embryos and a perfect, healthy embryo burrowing into my body and making a home. It was worth every second.

Saturday morning we took another pregnancy test. Faint line. Still positive. Still pregnant. We walked to the hospital. We talked about ways to tell my parents, baby names, maternity leave plans. I continued to murmur “I’m pregnant” to myself and touch my belly whenever I was alone. We finished the second blood test and came home to What to Expect at our door. We dove in and skimmed through, marking the chapters we wanted to read first. We made a healthy lunch and Elisabeth wrapped me up in blankets, wanting “us” to stay warm.

And the phone rang.

“We’re so sorry, Katherine. Your levels have dropped. It looks like a biochemical pregnancy. Come back on Monday for more bloodwork. I’m so sorry.”

If my heart could twist itself into a knot and drop out of my chest, it did in that moment. We collapsed into each other. My sobs overtook the room and my heart crumbled. I cried for hours.

And for three excruciating days, nothing happened. No cramps, no bleeding. No outward signs of a miscarriage. Just the knowledge that the little thing inside of me, which had grown to the size of a sesame seed, was no longer viable, and we were waiting for it to go. It could be days, or weeks. My sesame seed was dying inside me and all I could do was wait for it to be over.

Monday’s blood test confirmed that I was no longer pregnant. Tuesday the pain started, and I had one of the worst periods I’ve ever had in my life. The pain was unreal. With endometriosis, cramps start in my uterus, and then extend to my lower back. The pain goes up to my stomach and throbs every time I eat or drink. The endo is growing on my sciatic nerve, so I get burning nerve pain for days that makes laying down and sitting unbearable. And during all of this, in the pain and the blood and the shock and the grief, my little sesame seed left my body and I was no longer pregnant.

I was five weeks pregnant, and I hadn’t told anybody. A few friends knew where I was in the process, and knew if I wasn’t bubbling over with happiness, that something had gone wrong. I confided in a few close friends at work that I was having a miscarriage, but the rest of the world knew nothing.

I was five weeks pregnant, and then I wasn’t. And while my little sesame seed never got the chance to become a baby, it was a relationship, and it was a loss. The whole idea is that you keep your pregnancy a secret until the risk for miscarriage is over, but it leaves the grief of miscarriage, when it happens, disenfranchised, with no place to simply be. I went to work like everything was fine. I made small talk with clients, with strangers, as my body purged itself of a pregnancy that was no longer viable. The heaviness of that loss hasn’t left me, and I am still in mourning over what could have been.

Today we would have started telling people. Today would be the end of my first trimester, when it would be safe to share our news with the world. Today I could announce that after four failed IUI cycles, surgery, and IVF, we were finally pregnant. And instead, I’ve had two more mind-alteringly painful periods and am back on hormones for yet another try. Our What to Expect book is tucked away in a corner of our home where I can’t find it, because I couldn’t bear to look at it until it was finally time. The little stocking we had saved to announce to our parents that our family was growing has been put away for another year. The picture of our embryo, the one that could have been, is buried deep in Elisabeth’s pile of papers so I won’t accidentally stumble on it and ruin my own day. Today I took my estrogen pills, my baby aspirin, changed my estrogen patch, and waited one more day for our next little miracle to make a home in my body.

I don’t want to be silent anymore about how hard this process is. My heart has broken over and over again, as my dream for a family gets pushed away by another month. My life, my career, my dreams are on hold as I do everything I can in a process where I have almost no control. I don’t want to carry this secret anymore. I don’t want my infertility and miscarriage to be shameful and guarded and things that don’t get talked about. I don’t want to hold this by myself. Miscarriage is an excruciating and totally disenfranchising process of grief, and I don’t want to perpetuate silence around it any longer.

I was pregnant, and now I’m not, and I’m really fucking sad and I’m still grieving and I’m not sure I’m ready for another try but I’m pushing through the doubt and I’m scared and excited and nervous and it’s constantly on my mind and I am equal parts so upset with my body and trying to encourage my body to do this thing it’s supposed to do naturally and it leaves me in a constant state of uncertainty about what happens next and I don’t want to be quiet about that any more. I had a miscarriage and I lost my pregnancy and I am grieving.

Pain, blood, shock, grief. No more silence.

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some-weird-kpop-girl · 6 years

Text

Fine~ SF9 Chani One Shot

A/N: I made a sad.....

So, I don't even know where this idea came from, but I wrote it last night at like midnight because it popped in my head and I didn't want to lose it (also because I took a writing class, and they said that you should write down every idea you have, because it could turn into something great.... although I don't think that applies to fanfiction, but who knows?!)

Genre: Angst (like really bad. I cried while writing this)

TRIGGER WARNING!!! Mentions of domestic violence!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chani remembered the girl who sat in front of him in class like he’d just seen her yesterday. But really it had been two years since he’d seen her last.

For ten hours a day, Monday through Friday, almost every week, for one year, he had sat right behind her. He had always thought she was pretty, but had never worked up the courage to ask her out on a date.

The day after Chani graduated, he realized he’d made a huge mistake.

There would never be another day sitting behind her in class. There would never be another day picking her out amongst the crowd in the lunchroom. There would never be another day when he’d ask her if she could help him with a math problem.

He’d had so many chances, and now he’d never have another one.

For two years, Chani tried to forget about her, unable to understand why he could not. For two years, he regretted not asking for her phone number, or asking where she would be going to college, or if she was even planning on staying in Seoul. And it tore him apart.

Everyone knew something was wrong with him. Chani tried to be cheerful for fans, but he still wasn’t the same happy Chani he used to be. It was obvious.

Chani often found himself wondering if he’d ever get over her.

~~~

Chani thanked the barista as he handed Chani his coffee, then turned and headed for the door. Back to the studio to finish another exhausting day of training. But he didn’t make it to the door.

He froze when he noticed the girl sitting at the booth in the corner. She was hunched down over her computer keyboard, fingers flying across the keys, looking very focused on whatever was on the screen.

It was her. Kim Mishi. The girl Chani sat behind in his last year of high school. The girl he’d thought about for two years. The girl he’d missed so much.

He thought that after two years of regretting not asking her out, of thinking about how much he should have, that he’d be able to walk right over to her. Instead, with his heart pounding in his ears, Chani just stood there.

Because Chani realized something. The reason he had thought about her so much, the reason he’d been unable to forget about her, was because he was in love with her.

He didn’t know how he knew that he was in love with her, but when he saw her sitting there, five feet away from him, he just knew.

His phone blinged, and Chani looked down to see that it was a text from Youngbin telling him to hurry because they were were going to run through the dance soon.

With a familiar feeling of sorrow and regret, Chani slipped his phone back in his pocket and left the cafe.

~~~

Chani grunted in frustration as he messed up yet again.

“Chani, are you alright? You seem really distracted,” Youngbin asked, pausing the music.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just start over again.” The rest of the members eyed Chani suspiciously, but none of them said anything as Youngbin rewound the song.

~~~

His hand hovered over the door handle.

What was he doing here? What made him so sure that she’d be here again today? Nothing. She, in fact, probably wasn’t here.

Chani grabbed the handle and pushed the door open, the smell of pastries and coffee flooding around him as he stepped inside.

There she was, just where she had been yesterday, this time looking back and forth between a huge textbook and the piece of paper she was frantically scribbling on.

Chani felt the urge to turn and leave again, but instead he started walking towards the girl. He only had fifteen minutes before he had to be back to the practice room, and if he hesitated, he might lose his chance again.

“Mishi?” His voice cracked a little as he grabbed the back of the chair across from her. She looked up at him. She looked a bit different than she did two years ago. Her hair, which used to fall down to the middle of her back, now only fell just above her shoulders. It made her look- not older- but more mature. But it wasn’t her hair that looked so different. There was something in her eyes that Chani had never seen before. He thought it was sadness.

“Chani? Oh my goodness! It’s been so long! Please, sit down.” She smiled at him, and Chani pulled out the chair as she closed her book and pushed it aside. “How have you been? I mean, aside from being an idol and everything.” She chuckled and Chani smiled at her in return. He suddenly realized that that was the first time he’d truly smiled in two years.

“Good,” he replied, leaving out the part that it was all thanks to her.

“That’s great!”

“How have you been?” Chani asked. He thought he saw sadness flash across her face again before she smiled a bright smile and said, “I’ve been pretty good, too!”

They talked for a little while, then Chani’s phone blinged. He looked down at it in shock. How could it have been fifteen minutes already?

Hey, we’re going to run through the choreo here in a minute? Where are you? ~Youngbin

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” Chani said as he stood up.

“Oh, ok.” Chani began to walk away, but turned back.

“Actually, can I have your phone number? I really enjoyed talking to you,” he asked. Mishi looked like she was about to say no, then she tore a piece of paper out of her notebook and scribble her number on it. She handed it to him with a smile.

“Just try to text me between 8 am and 3pm. When I get out of classes, I have a lot of work to do and so I don’t respond.” Chani nodded, then left.

Finally, he was getting a shot with the girl he’d been in love with for three years.

~~~

It had been three weeks since Chani had first talked to Mishi in the cafe. Every day for the past three weeks, he’d returned there for lunch, and every day, Mishi was there. They talked about all sorts of things: college, music, family, pets.

Today, Chani had a bit of a skip in his step as he walked to the cafe to meet up with Mishi again. Today, he had decided after talking to his manager, Chani was going to ask her out on a date.

He opened the door, smiling as he walked over to the table where Mishi was sitting. He was a bit confused when he realized that she was wearing a hoodie. It was the middle of summer, after all.

“Hey, Mishi!”

“Hey, Chani.” Mishi looked up at him, then quickly back down at her work.

“What are you working on today?” Chani asked.

“Trigonometry.” Chani nodded, then watched for a little bit as she worked through a math problem. It was when she reached for her coffee that he saw it.

A bruise, a big one, on her arm.

“What’s that?” he asked, suddenly very worried.

“Huh? Oh, that… um… I accidentally hit it on the doorframe when I was playing fetch with my dog in the house last night. Long story short, we don’t play fetch indoors anymore.” Mishi offered him a smile that looked pretty fake. Chani didn’t think that a person could get a bruise like that from hitting their arm on the doorframe, but he didn’t press it further. There were some things people liked to keep to themselves.

“So, listen, Mishi. I’ve talked to my manager, and, um… would you maybe like to go on a date sometime?” he asked instead.

“Oh, Chani, um… That’s- that’s nice, but I already have a boyfriend.” Chani felt like his heart had fallen right out of his body.

“Oh… ok. That’s ok. I’m happy for you,” he lied. He felt that familiar pang of regret again as he realized that if he’d asked her out three years ago, he’d probably be the boyfriend she was talking about.

“Thanks.” They sat in a partially uncomfortable silence for a few seconds until Chani’s phone chimed, reminding him he had to go. He said an awkward goodbye to Mishi, then left.

He stared at his feet as he walked back to the practice room, thinking about how stupid he’d been to not take his shot three years ago.

~~~

Despite the disappointment Chani had received a few days ago, he still continued to return to the cafe every day to talk to Mishi. But now it was different. Now, every time he looked at her, he was reminded of what he couldn’t have, and it hurt.

They were talking about cats when Mishi suddenly stopped talking, looking over Chani’s shoulder at the door. Before he could turn around, Chani heard a man’s voice behind him.

“Who the hell are you?” the voice said. Chani turned around to see a young man, about the same height as Taeyang, glaring at him.

“Doseok, this is Chani. We went to high school together.” Mishi smiled, an obviously forced one, at the man as she gestured to Chani.

“High school was two years ago. What’s he doing here now?” Doseok growled.

“He was just getting coffee and happened to see me and wanted to say hi, right, Chani?” Something in Mishi’s tone made Chani want to agree, even though it wasn’t true.

“Ok, well, you’ve said hi. Now, let’s go.” Doseok grabbed Mishi’s arm and drug her out of her chair. Chani noticed that she grimaced in pain as she followed the man out of the cafe.

He suddenly felt a little worried for Mishi. If her boyfriend was willing to hurt her like that in public, what did he do when they were alone?

~~~

For three weeks, Chani didn’t hear from Mishi. He only went to the cafe once, the day after Doseok had drug her away, and she wasn’t there. He sent her a text, to which she never responded. Chani was beginning to get really worried.

Finally, one day, while he was sitting in the practice room watching Rowoon practice, his phone chimed.

Hey, Chani. I’m so sorry I haven’t responded. I know it’s been three weeks, and you’re probably a bit worried, but I’ve been really sick. I haven’t even been able to go to classes, but I’m better now. Meet me at the park down the block from the cafe in thirty minutes~ Mishi

“Hey, I’m going to run down to the cafe and get some coffee real quick. Do you want anything?” he said to Rowoon as he stood up and walked towards the door.

“No, thanks."

Ten minutes later, Chani rounded the corner to the park, and what he saw stopped him in his tracks.

Mishi was there, but so was her boyfriend. They seemed to be arguing over something. Suddenly, Doseok slapped Mishi, causing her to fall against the wall she was standing next to. Chani rushed forward, jumping between them before something more could happen.

“What’s going on here?” he asked the couple.

“It’s none of your business, so get lost,” Doseok spat. Chani looked back at Mishi. The left side of her face was bright red.

“Please, Chani,” she begged, tears brimming at the corners of her eyes. “Stay out of it. Please. Just go.”

“No,” he replied without even thinking about it. “I’m not leaving.”

“Chani,” Mishi begged again. Chani was about to turn on Doseok when his phone chimed. If he didn’t get back to the practice room, he might lose his job. It was worth it. “Chani, honestly. I’m fine. Please just go.”

Chani hated himself for listening to her.

~~~

The next morning, it was on the news.

A girl was pushed off a second story balcony by her boyfriend while they were having an argument.

It was Mishi.

She had survived the initial impact, but bled out in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Chani couldn’t believe it. If only he hadn’t listened to her. If only he would have stayed there, if only he would have gotten her away from Doseok, she’d still be alive.

He hated himself for walking away. He hated himself for not noticing it sooner. He hated himself for not taking his chance with her in high school. This never would have happened if it wasn’t for him.

He loved her. He had loved her with all his heart, and now she was gone, and he never get a chance to tell her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ASDFLHSALKJFIJK

Sorry if you're dead now.

But seriously, I want to dedicate this story to the hundreds of thousands of people who experience domestic abuse every day. It doesn't just have to be a spouse. It could be a parent, a sibling, an aunt, uncle, or cousin. It doesn't just have to be physical, it can be emotional too.

So please, if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, talk to someone. You can call the National Abuse Hotline at:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

And remember, even if you think it is, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Please, please, PLEASE, get help.

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