#also i just am mentally ill

[aphrodite-made-me-write-it]

R u still writing?

yes, sorry to say it's slow and not for imagines though

i might come back to here one day, idk, it's a nice writing exercise

at the moment, though, i'm writing one (erm, three) long ass bishova au, but i do have plenty of authors to recommend if u wouldl ike some!

i do enjoy refreshing y'all on who's somehwat active on the kate/yelena x reader tag, just to keep 'em alive and to encourage authors to keep writing

#as of rn i am............... very dry on insp #it's just a rough patch #i think im getting over it? #it's hard to say #i wish i knew how to explain the way in which my soul an dth ewords within it are trapped in this world #but i #simply lack the vocabulary #just imagime #if u will #i am an alice who has been locked out of her wonderland #and while i can get glimpses #maybe eben grasp a petal or two #i am desparately grasping at hedges #also i just am mentally ill #and idk when the fuck this bitch will work proper #thank u for asking tho #sorry i let this sit for so long #i get anxious #ALSO COVID TOOK AWAY MY TASTE SO #I AM VERY DRUNK #SORRY FOR MISSPELLINGS #I AM TOO LAZY #I DONT REALLY CARE?

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

#this is very obviously about my battle with #ptsd #but i think it's also like a pretty apt metaphor for a lot of things like setting boundaries or going to therapy or choosing recovery #i was thinking about the 'comes back wrong' trope and i was like. oh no i have feelings about this bc i have mental illness #and once i stopped masking - i was WRONG. i was different #here's the good news: i am now INNUNDATED with love. fucking swimming in it. excelling at it. the people who stayed #learned my new self. my new different body and how i am different but i am trying. they have held me so tightly #and my life no longer feels quiet. it is not based in my suffering. it feels like i have been growing a tree in my chest #and now it is flowering. #it is so lovely to be surrounded by people who have said - oh! you cut off so many branches i was worried you weren't the same. but now... #... this is just a new you. and i love you. and i love that you're different and happy. #(but yeah also im nb so i was absolutely influenced by Trans things)

[daily-linkclick]

saw this in the comments of kdj's wiki and i haven't stopped laughing. its so true

[ID: Comments on a wiki page which read:

Coconuthamster: Who is this and why do people thirst over him so much

Hachnk: It is not even thirst he is just jesus for the mentally ill

Coconuthamster: Oh?? End ID]

#not dlc #ok i just finished orv i am inconsolable. #15/10 would let it give me mental illness again #ALSO THIS IS STILL A LINK CLICK BLOG. I JUST WANTED TO GO INSANE FOR ORV IN A BIT RJCIEKDK #i cant do that on main everyone is so scary on main #kim dokja #orv #edit: added an ID!

[obsob]

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud!!

✷(print shop)✷

#mine #original #euheuhe hello..i hope everyone is having a good day #we are going on a bird boat thing on wednesday im very excited about it #what else.....me and my bf went on a walk on sunday and i saw damsel flies and shield bugs and a duck with 13 ducklings #i bought a jellycat sun bag which is now all i talk about #ive started reading assassins apprentice by robin hobb!!!! its so good!!!! #im so excited there are so many books in the series to read #i doubt i will like all of them but i will give them all a go #today i will stop and hve dinner n then walk the dog and then do exercise and have a bath #and then i will. play zelda #and then tomorrow i will do shop stuff and also help my mum buy a bench apparently #i need to buy snacks also. i hve a snack stash in my rooom bc of mental illness purposes and i am low.....need snacks #maybe i will do that tomorrow. brain schedule is full up for today sorry #also. unrelated. i have my period???? again????? ive already had it this month hello i dont need another im good im all done #my hormones r going ??OAGHGHGHUH #also i want like . cute bra. but like not a bra like just cloth thats like. tit shaped. a bralet? is that what that is? no idea #anyway. hve nice evening. or else. #i have a headache #OH ALSO. i need to legally chnage my name SKFSABJSBK #put that on th todo list #i cant rmemeber how 2 do it i think it was very straight forward n cost like. £10 or smth

[gayvampyr]

“queer spaces should be inclusive of people who don’t enjoy sex and who have “strange”, negative or repulsed relationships with sex” and “sex is an important aspect of lgbt community, history, and activism and queer people should be allowed and able to talk freely about sex without stigma or shame” are ideas that can and should coexist.

#‘queer people were banned from and shamed for having sex and that’s where a lot of our activism stemmed from’ and #‘not liking or having sex is considered abnormal and a mental illness and also needs to be destigmatized’ are concepts that not only can but #often do coalign #it’s esp important to consider that a lot of lgbt ppl who have a tricky and strained relationship with sex are like that because of trauma #which is very common for queer folks #it’s really not an ace-only thing #like i am sex repulsed but it’s very hard to discern if it’s because i’m asexual or if it’s the trauma. either way i deserve to have those #feelings and be included in lgbt spaces and discussions about sex and treated as just another queer person with a different experience #instead of being alienated because my feelings about sex don’t directly line up with yours #im so sick of people in this community trying to pit us against each other. as an ace lesbian that shit is so toxic and harmful #my relationship with sex is fluid. im sex-positive always‚ but i often find myself sex repulsed. im otherwise neutral about it but im sick #of people acting like it’s either you enjoy sex and have it frequently or you hate it and you shame everyone who has it like youre a puritan #like. lesbians are CONSTANTLY getting hounded and told that we’re broken or mentally i’ll for not showing interest in (having sex with) men #for the same reason asexuality is considered bad or wrong or weird

[chickenoptyrx]

....I just wanted to draw gators :T at this point these 2 are more 'a representation of my last 2 brain cells' then they are actual characters 😅

#im living vicariously through the cartoon guys #because i want to A. pick up gator (strong man style) #and B. ..pick up gator (hug) #ok but so i recently found out an area where i take stupid little walks for my stupid little mental health #has! GATORS!! (potentially. theres signs.) #and this is great cause seeing gators would def heal me as a person #but ok so when i look for hiking places i always look north cause the terrains more hilly #but now im lookin south more cause turns out i AM in fact far enough south to see gators!! #and yeah looks like theres a handful of nature reserves w hiking trails the same distance away as the little mountain trails i go to #its flatter and the trails are less extensive so ill hafta see if i think its worth it #but then too theres a really big black water swamp that.. further away then i wanna drive.. #but also i drove 5 hrs once just to go to mammoth cave as a day trip so.. we'll see.. #my friend says he wont go w me tho :T he'll just report me missing #this has been a tag ramble about my sudden outset intrest in seeing a gator #my bullshit #lol barely but still #also- i told myself not to over do it drawin the scales or coloring it #and as you can see i dont listen to myself ever #lol they look outta place but idc i got to draw 2 of my favorite characters and also ALLIGATORS :U #living the dream rn

[waitineedaname]

my inner monologue is just always thinking about ritsu way too hard

#mp100 #ritsu kageyama #I wrote this as a stream of consciousness in the ms paint text box and then it literally. wouldn't fit. #and I couldn't make the text any smaller #so i had to switch to GOOGLE DRAWINGS to make this #I know this is hard to read but that adds to the humor to me lsdkjflkjdf #I'm just. ouuuughhghhg every time I think about him too hard I want to explode #I was also going to make a companion piece talking about his autism in comparison to mob's #but it's late. you guys can get the autism essay later if you want #I am going to become the number one ritsu poster through sheer mental illness alone #ritsu brain syndrome. instead of a brain there is ritsu #spinning him in my mind like that one bit from the season one opening

[kiksniko]

if you're still taking requests, perhaps nikolai? 🥺👉👈 (and if not that's understandable and i hope you're having a nice day 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤)

the silliest of guys !

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #sketchy #nikolai gogol #QnA #also sorry if i get to asks late i am battling mental illness </3 i'll probably get to them eventually #it'll just.. take me a while.. orz #i didnt have the nicest of days today but drawing this was relaxing so thank yew so much ! <3

[nookisms]

Oops. It's a second headcanon compilation!

Don't worry, the next one will be back to our normal schedule of regular text posts and not headcanons

Masterpost

#Dark Meta Knight #Shadow Kirby #Meta Knight #Kirby #King Dedede #Daroach #marx kirby #Magolor #Bandana Waddle Dee #Bandana Dee #Marx #Kirby series #kirby headcanons #text post meme #text post memes #disability headcanon #okay I wanted a particularly exhausted Dedede so I snagged him from triple deluxe #i just think Dedede would have chronic pain from. you know. getting torn in half that one time #before you come after me for Magolor's panel: I do not think ocd and intrusive thoughts make you do bad things #I just think he already had it and the Master Crown made it worse (via lingering magic from the possession) #i dunno how mental illnesses work in aliens that use magitech #I had a lot more here but I decided I'm not going to continue rambling in the tags #I can expand on any of these headcanons at any moment if you want feel free to ask #also I saved that Kirby one for last because I thought it would hit with oomph #she speks #she speks originale #she edits #yes I'm working on the masquerade I am just obsessed with making text post memes

[ickypuppi3]

billy’s mom waking him up while it’s still dark, whispering even though neil’s working the night shift. it’s a couple days before his tenth birthday and she’s telling him they’re going to have their very own adventure, just like the ones in billy’s books. she grabs an already packed suitcase from under billy’s bed and kisses him on the nose, tells him to get dressed quick. the two of them leave in an old beat up yellow bug that she managed to get for a third of the asking price and keep parked around the corner until now. they stay with friends and jump from place to place so neil can’t track them down. billy gets used to surfing couches and staying in motels.

he spends his tenth birthday in a diner, his mom gets him a big stack of pancakes and a milkshake with extra cherries. gets a candle out her pocket along with her silver lighter. sings happy birthday and pulls a face when the waitress frowns at them, just to make billy laugh. she sips at her coffee while billy tucks in. smiles when he holds some out with a “c’mon mama, share with me.”

billy thinks it’s neat. thinks it’s the best birthday he’s ever had.

they eventually end up with a place in california, a little bungalow near the coast and billy grows up with his mom. billy gets pretty shirts from the thrift store ‘cause his mama lets him do stuff like that. doesn’t call him a queer, doesn’t force a baseball bat into his hands whilst yelling at him for crying, for being a pussy. his mom lets him read and keep a journal and press flowers between the pages of the neverending story, she plays hendrix and dusty springfield and laughs when billy comes home from his friends’ house with his first piercing at thirteen. she doesn’t tear down his posters or yell when she finds him using her eyeliner.

and everything’s perfect. sort of.

they have bad days- billy’s mom has bad days. billy calls them gray days ‘cause that’s how the world looks when she’s like this. all her color gone. no singing-dancing in the kitchen or baking five different kinds of cake because she couldn’t decide which one was best, no last minute trips to the beach or sitting outside at night and telling billy about the stars. instead she’ll stay in bed, won’t go to work. she’ll stare at the wall blankly and look right through billy when he tries to talk to her. she won’t take the pills the doc gave her and billy doesn’t know what to do. never knows what to do. just chews at his lip until it bleeds, bites at his thumb until it’s red raw. he’ll get in the bed with her. lay beside her and just talk like she used to do with him when he had a nightmare. hum a song to her.

billy’s still pissed at the world just slightly less so. still has that anger and anxiousness simmering just below the surface and shows his teeth when cornered. he’s still hardened in a way that a kid shouldn’t be but. it’s different. there’s no neil. the only bloody noses he gets are at school, when he fights with the kids who call him a fag and a fairy, call his mom a basket case. he uses fists when they laugh and ask if she’s all there with a finger pointing at their heads, ask if billy will “catch the crazy.”

those are billy’s bad days. sitting in the principals office, icing his knuckles.

when he’s fifteen, billy manages to bag a job at the local auto repair by turning up every day and telling howie how good he’d be, that he knows cars and it’s all he wants to do and please please please. eyebrows pulled together, eyes puppy dog wide and hands clasped in front of him until howie grumbles, throws an oily rag at billy. says fine but billy’s gotta pay for anything he damages. someone brings in a chevy camaro and billy asks howie to let him help fix it up. does the begging again until howie laughs. says get a hold of yourself, kid, voice fond as he ruffles billy’s hair.

billy’s four months away from turning seventeen when the doorbell goes. he’s eating a sandwich and watching knight rider. he’s wearing the necklace his mom got him for his last birthday and- he answers the door. doesn’t think twice. freezes when he sees neil standing there. he looks different. hair a little shorter and more wrinkles. where billy’s gained weight, gained muscle, neil’s lost it. his eyes are a little sunken and he’s still got his wedding band on. he reeks of booze. billy has to remind himself to speak, just says “yeah?” his voice comes out small and neil smiles at him. smiles and billy feels this weird twist in his stomach ‘cause .. that’s his dad and he hasn’t seen him in years and it twists and twists and-

turns out. not much has changed. billy realises a little too late that neil will always be neil. they run again. have to leave everything behind. billy doesn’t get to say bye to his friends, to howie, to the car. they leave a lot of stuff behind and head in any direction away from neil. they both try to keep the mood light, take turns driving and play the tapes billy grabbed. they end up in indiana- hawkins. they stay at a motel until billy’s mom finds a place for dirt cheap. it has two bedrooms and a dingy bathroom, a living room slash kitchen and one hell of a damp problem. it’s dirt cheap for a reason.

it’s above a shop in town and- it’s fine. their landlord is an asshole but they’re together and they’ve got a roof over their heads. billy’s enrolled at hawkins high and his mom gets a job at the laundromat. he tells her that he doesn’t need to go to school, that he could just work and help pay the bills but his mom won’t have any of it. says that she wishes she had finished school and that billy’s too clever to waste it. that he has potential.

billy knows the reason she dropped out of school was because she had him. he just nods, rests his head on her shoulder.

it’s billy’s first day at school and his mom drives him to make sure he actually goes. he gets out the car and tries to shake the nerves off. straightens up and puts on his act. plasters a fake smile on his face and it’s working, he’s got most of the girls swooning and the boys at least seem curious. billy looks around and his eyes land on a guy leaning up against a bmw. his hair’s coiffed to high heaven and he’s wearing a polo, preppy as fuck but- pretty. it’s one of the first things billy realises about him, all doe eyes and moles dotted just about everywhere. he’s got a smirk on his face. not aimed at billy but the guy beside him.

pretty-boy walks over to him and billy raises an eyebrow, plays it cool. he introduces himself as steve and billy gets the idea that he’s top dog at hawkins high, is immediately proved right when they step into the building. king steve, freckles calls him. billy laughs- catches steve looking at him when he does and feels his face get hot. steve just smiles wider, calls billy california and tells him to sit with them at lunch. billy tries to ignore the way steve’s smile makes him feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under his feet.

he nods and steve grins. tugs at one of billy’s curls.

says “i think you’re gonna like it here, california.”

#it got away from me i fear #billy has to live somewhere else at the start and then they move to california i don’t care he needs to be there with his mom for the #majority of the time he just has to #he Is california ! what else am i supposed to do here he needs it #makes hawkins that much worse #he’s best friends with argyle but he doesn’t get to say bye ! #billy’s first kiss is with a girl but the second the one he counts is with a boy and his mama knows he’s gay also #probably argyle if we’re being real #my words #billy hargrove #billy’s mom #harringrove #cw slurs #cw mental illness #spinning in circles i just need mamas boy billy and king steve so bad #mamas boy billy & king steve

[cabbybaby]

spamming the refresh button as if that’ll bring ao3 back online & not time and patience

#DO NOT ACTUALLY SPAM REFRESH SINCE IT MAKES THE DDOS ATTACK WORSE #ao3 #I love you ao3 I love you volunteers I do not blame you for it being down!! #but I am also mentally ill and my life revolves around your website!!!! #JUST JOKES

[witchspeka]

It's always "Shou and Ritsu need to blow stuff up with their minds for mental health reasons" or Ritsu and Teru or even Shou and Teru!

But what about Mob? When does he get to blow stuff up with his mind for funsies? For shits and giggles? He didn't go through all of those meltdowns and character development for nothing, let him go ham on a junkyard car or something smh

I believe in Mob's narrative given right to fuck shit up sometimes

#im hungry i should do homework i should also finish all of my other drafted posts BUT I AM LAZY #ive been starting to write fic tho at least thats productive. fic thats kind of relevant to this actually hm #listen i just want more Mob content where he does smth reckless or stupid with his powers he deserves it #or just in general tbh i need more content of mob being kinda mean or having arguments with ppl like to a healthy degree ok #but i still want him to. yanno. lash out and stuff. experience emotion. have him get angry over petty stuff #the first mp100 fic ive ever started writing/drafting had mob and ritsu having a proper fight post canon #i just need it for my OWN mental health. let them have dumb sibling fights and have mob express his annoyances #itd be funny and cathartic. for me at least. ill finish that shit one day its been assembled and disassembled but ill figure it out #eventually #let mob feel and express all of the ugly emotions he didnt allow himself to acknowledge for years pls #its my favourite thing #anyway. #mp100 #mob psycho 100 #shigeo kageyama #cine te a intrebat

[moon-icarus]

one day I'll be enough, I just need to try harder next time

unknown / climbing - lucille clifton / tubbo's stream - date unknown / there is no absolution for the fallen, only the dying - p.d / peepoG_ on Twitter / wikipedia / the sheaf-binder (after millet) - vincent van gogh / 1156 - asofterworld / tubbo3091 / "living for the knife", mitski / calling a wolf a wolf - kaveh akbar / unknown / naddpod, ep97 - brian murphy / fantastic mr. fox (2009) / phil's stream - 9.11.23 / five nights at freddy's the movie / tubbo's stream - 11.21.23 / fatherhood.gov / quora - what is the best advice for being a teen dad? / "teenage dream", olivia rodrigo / tubbo3091

#i have only made two but i am now addicted #i was listening to olivia rodrigo and this was suddenly made in 2 hours flat #qtubbo makes me so mentally ill #he is so young and everyone treats him like he is both 10 years old but also like a grown fully realized adult #the paradox of wanting to be a good dad but still being a kid #the pain of just being yourself and everyone telling you that you are doing too much #how it must feel to have all of your emotions be treated as jokes #tubbo #qsmp sunny #qtubbo #q!tubbo #tubbo qsmp #frubbo #sunny qsmp #qsmp tubbo #fred qsmp #webweaving #web weaving #qsmp purgatory #qsmp #icarus webweaving #tubbo3091 #tubbo underscore #qsmp sunnysideup #sunnysideup #my posts

[transmascissues]

Your poor, poor parents. You're gonna make yourself look like an acne riddled thumb with a half assed pubey beard for the rest of your life, and now they're gonna have to see your scarred ass chest without nips to distract, too. You're hacking off healthy body parts for clout like a dumbass, and wanting everybody to applaude you for it and brainwash themselves into thinking you resemble anything male. Mental illness at its peak.

everyone point and laugh at the asshole who thinks their opinion of my body means anything to me!

if anyone was wondering what terfs & co actually say about trans men when they don't have to worry about their face being attached to it, this is it. this is what's hiding behind the "care" and "pity" and other bullshit they project – to them, we're all a bunch of ugly mentally ill dumbasses destroying our poor innocent parents' lives and brainwashing the people around us.

but hey, anon, if it makes you feel any better, i promise i'm still happier than you'll ever be! that's the magic of not wasting your energy on harassing random people for daring to exercise their bodily autonomy. you should try it sometime!

oh, and you'll have to let me know when i'm supposed to get all that clout for transitioning. it's been seven years and all i've gotten is shitheads like you hating me more and more, so i think it might've gotten lost in the mail.

#it's always funny to me when they do the 'youre just mentally ill' thing bc like. that's not an insult to me i literally am mentally ill #it has nothing to do with me being trans but yeah. i am. and what about it #the 'healthy body parts' thing is also extra funny bc i am very much disabled and none of my body is healthy it's all fucked up by default #examples of transandrophobia #anon hate #ask answered #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #transmascphobia #anti transmasculinity

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it's only natural to feel anger when somebody isn't "taking your advice" or listening to you about their mental health or what will help them. People want to help people, and the anger comes when you are perceiving somebody as not being receptive but...

It can be a selfish impulse to say that your opinion about their illness is the only thing they need. It isn't about you, even though the advice you give is given by you.

Nobody deserves to suffer, this is true. But, also, nobody deserves to be forced to do things that either won't help or won't be genuine. If somebody isn't taking your advice, there's a reason for it (maybe it's not a good enough reason for you, but this isn't the point). It's okay to be disappointed or angry, but it's not going to help to lash out at them. That is only pouring water onto a grease fire.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #sometimes you DO need to freefall without a parachute. sometimes the 'just get better! ☺️' mindset that's given to us will slowly kill us #the whole 'if you take my advice you'll be free from your illness 😇' saviour complex is honestly something that would have killed me #because it wasn't coming from a place of genuinely helpfulness or what would work for *me*... #...those pieces of advice came from the mindset of how to make everybody else comfortable... #...because it minimized the fact that i was (am) fucking insane and unwell and ill and debilitated... #...the advice came across as sinister because it wasn't about me despite addressing my insanity. it was ABOUT everybody else #and i just got done watching a heartbreaking video about somebody else's decline and i don't want them to suffer... #...but i also don't want to be the cause OF their suffering. my advice for them would be unhelpful i think... #...so i am still heartbroken and sad and maybe angry but that... isn't their fault. they are SUFFERING and VISIBLY so... #...i want their suffering to end in any way that will actually help *them* and not my ego y'know...

[cavennmalore]

Something weird I've noticed in the kotlc fandom that I really cannot wrap my head around is the treatment of the Vacker family, specifically Alden and Fitz. These are understandably popular characters (and for good reason) and it makes sense that people interpret them in different ways. I can't help but notice that some of the predominant discussions around them center on personality traits they just... don't have in canon.

Most of the characterizations I see of Alden treat him as a rampant child abuser. He's overbearing, stern, and determined to force his child to live up to the Vacker name by any means necessary. Naturally, Alden is not a perfect character or father, but such a harsh depiction flattens much of what makes him dynamic in the books. As I see it, there are two main flaws that Alden has in canon: his past with Prentice and his meddling.

What Alden did to Prentice is treated pretty seriously throughout the series. In Exile, it's made clear that falsely accusing (or, not so falsely, depending on what you consider the real crime to be) Prentice and performing the mindbreak is the biggest regret of his life. So big, that it shatters his sanity and ruins one of his closest relationships (Exile, Chapter 35; Nightfall, Chapter 3). It's the mistake that keeps on giving, and it's made abundantly clear that while Alden wasn't aware of what he was truly doing, he bears responsibility nonetheless. It's a burden that Alden takes extremely seriously, pushing him to search for the Moonlark for years, but more on that later. While his guilt over Prentice is an important part of his character, it's not the flaw that I usually see given the most weight in his characterizations.

Alden's meddling is prominent, to say the least. It heavily features in most interpretations I see of him online, largely negatively and largely without specificity. In canon, there are really two ways that his nosiness presents itself: his children's personal lives and his hunt for the Moonlark. The two best examples of his meddling as a parent come from his interventions in Fitz and Biana's friendships. In the first book, Alden encourages Biana to befriend Sophie because he worries about her (Keeper, Chapters 43 and 47). He acts similarly with Fitz and Keefe, encouraging Fitz to invite Keefe to Everglen so Keefe can avoid spending time with Cassius (Flashback, Chapter 21). In both cases, Alden doesn't go beyond asking his kids to spend time with potential friends. He doesn't micromanage their hangouts or insist it's for status reasons; he's interested in supervising kids who he worries are in a bad spot. This is notably different from Gisela's meddling, which is for personal gain with tangible, selfish goals (Neverseen, Chapter 63). Maybe Alden shouldn't be pushing his kids to spend time with those they don't have an interest in. But the eventual friendships that arise from them make up for it, in my opinion.

The other form Alden's meddling takes is his hunt for the Moonlark. As a manifestation of his guilt over Prentice's mindbreak, Alden enlists Alvar and Fitz to search the Forbidden Cities for the Moonlark. I've seen this search used as the basis for a lot of the animosity between Alden and his sons, which I think is incorrect. Alvar is the first hunter and is very open about how pointless he thought the endeavor was (Keeper, Chapter 28; Neverseen, Chapter 1). The difference of opinions over the Black Swan between Alvar and Alden is a point of contention in their relationship, but it's important to note that Alvar doesn't claim to feel pressured or pushed into the search. He just thinks the conspiracy of the Black Swan is stupid (Keeper, Chapter 28). Of course, much of this protesting was a cover for the fact that he was working with the Neverseen and would've been searching anyway (Neverseen, Chapter 63).

Fitz takes over the search at age six (Neverseen, Chapter 1). Fitz's age when being sent out is questionable at best, and I think is fair to criticize Alden for (though, I think the age has more to do with Shannon being unable to decide how Elvin aging is supposed to work since none of the other characters seem to think six is unreasonably young). But while the reader can freely critique Alden for this, what's crucial is that Fitz doesn't seem to mind this. Rather than be upset or resentful that Alden had him search for the Moonlark, Fitz calls it "the most important thing [he'll] probably ever do" (Stellarlune, Chapter 43). He's proud of the work he and his father did; if anything, it's a positive in their relationship. I've seen some arguments that pushing Fitz into the Forbidden Cities is part of a pattern of having kids do dangerous work (per Sophie doing Fintans mindbreak in Exile, even though that wasn't Alden's idea and he offered to disobey the Council if she didn't want to), which isn't necessarily unfair. What I do think is a problem is acting like the search for the Moonlark had a significant negative impact on Alden's relationships with his sons.

Part of the reason I think this interpretation is so prevalent is a contributing misunderstanding about Fitz's character. Fitz is often portrayed as anxiety-ridden over his role as a Vacker and the expectations that come along with it. Being a leader isn't something he wants, but something he feels pressured into. In canon, Fitz is almost the complete opposite. He's shown at being naturally gifted at telepathy and school and is incredibly charming. Being a Vacker -- and the expectations that come with it -- is something he embraces wholeheartedly. In fact, it is the loss of his leadership that causes struggle. A main point of contention that Fitz has with Sophie in Stellarlune (Chapter 43) is that he "still want[s] to be that guy that everyone looks to" even though that's no longer his role. None of this is to say that Fitz is perfect, or that he doesn't fight against the idea of being labeled so. Instead, much of Fitz's arc is about learning when to step back and change his perspective on the world, including recognizing when his privilege has clouded his judgment. His rejection of being labeled perfect has more to do, in my eyes, with having a difficult time reconciling his "idyllic" childhood with the harsher childhoods of his friends (Flashback, Chapter 21).

So what is the problem between the Vackers, if not fanon? The one issue that is repeatedly brought up by both Fitz and Alvar alike regarding their father is favoritism. Alvar felt ignored after the births of Fitz and Biana, claiming that Alden replaced him with Fitz whom he refers to as the "Golden Child" (Neverseen, Chapter 72; Flashback, Chapter 49). Fitz feels betrayed by his parents' immediate re-welcoming of Alvar when his memories are gone, insisting they prioritize Alvar over Fitz and Biana's safety (Flashback, Chapter 16). In both cases, Fitz and Alvar feel like an afterthought or the lesser child. It's that feeling that fuels (or encourages, considering Alvar's done quite a bit throughout the series to create independent hate lol) the animosity between them and Alden.

It's this "favorite child" dynamic that I find really interesting and unique about the Vacker's dysfunction in the series. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see a reason to paint over this dynamic with bullying, especially considering there is a father-son relationship in canon that is the Vacker fanon almost to a T. Cassius spent Keefe's whole life attempting to pressure him into becoming a "real" Sencen, which Keefe tried to do before realizing it was unattainable (Flashback, Chapter 21). It's the bedrock of their non-relationship. To shove Fitz and Alden into that pigeonhole is a disservice to each of these relationships, which have their own intrigues without sharing. None of this is to say that people can't headcanon as they wish, and to try and play with characters is the fun of fandom. I wouldn't want to discourage anyone from that or shame them for it. But to claim those relationships are canon is disingenuous to me and a misportrayal of the books.

#this is what severe mental illness looks like #this really isn't targetted at anyone specifically #i just had to get this off my chest #the vacker manifesto was long and its so so late here so forgive the fact that i am not reading this over #it goes up as is lmaooo #though i may return tomorrow morning and edit lol #also like. feel free to disagree w me #i did my best to cite everything if people wanna fact check #kotlc #fitz vacker #alden vacker #alvar vacker