#also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday

[bo0zey]

manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs

#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly #also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday #was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled #6:13??? #then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything #so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs #and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor #i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk #and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years #i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly #so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again #i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to #i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone #they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday #they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words #i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone #meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs #i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her #“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’ #i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again #i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again #ooos im crying again lol #im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child #23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol #i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t #i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol #pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid #drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem #i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like #i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive

[brokutosan]

Title. Oikawa Toruu Is Not A Genius, But He Is A Jackass

Pairings. Oikawa Toruu x Fem!Reader

Summary. In which Oikawa doesn’t always tell his girlfriend things. She finds out anyways.

Warnings. Contains manga spoliers! Oikawa’s inferiority complex is mentioned a lot, as well as his anxieties over it. The title and the summary are misleading, sorry. This is a fluffy imagine (sort of).

“Honey, I’m home!” Oikawa Toruu calls out to a silent apartment. Also, it’s three in the morning, but he’s Oikawa Toruu and Oikawa Toruu could care less if he’s bothering the whole building, so long as he could finally take her in his embrace again (he’s up for a treat when she does wake up though, and not the one he’s expecting).

Oikawa takes note of the subtle changes from when he was last here. For instance, the old hand-me-down couch they got from his mom is replaced by a new, clean, and sleek black couch. There’s also some new additions of little knick knacks here and there, but it still felt like home to him. Kicking off his worn out sneakers by the door, not even bothering to check if it knocked over some of her things, Oikawa heads straight to the bedroom, where he’s welcomed by her sleeping form.

She’s dressed in one of his old Seijoh shirt along with white shorts and her arms are clinging onto a pillow. Oikawa gushes at the sight before snapping a quick picture and taking slow, careful, steps towards the bed.

“If you were gonna sneak around you shouldn’t have announced to the whole fucking neighborhood you were home.” She snorts with her eyes still closed. Oikawa stops dead in his tracks like a deer caught in headlights and remains frozen as if not moving would erase his presence all together.

“Hmph!” Oikawa lets out as his face catches a pillow that was chucked at him by his still sleeping girlfriend. “Nice throw babe. Ever thought of a career switch? I can see you making it big in softball.”

“Stop dicking around and just come here.” She mumbles. Oikawa smiles at the adorable sound of her sleep-induced voice. “As you wish my darling.” He says before throwing all his weight onto her sleeping form.

“Toruu, you jackass!” Oikawa lets out a boisterous laugh at her feeble attempts of freeing herself from his arms. The more she wiggles the tighter his hold gets, before she gives in to his embrace.

“I missed you so much.” Oikawa mumbles into her hair once they’ve settled in. He flips them over so they’re now laying side by side, with one arm slung over her form rubbing soothing circles on her back and the other placed under her head.

“Sorry I couldn’t pick you up from the airport. My boss wouldn’t push back the deadline.” Oikawa shakes his head ‘no’ and mumbles out, “It’s fine. This makes up for it.”

“Good, cus you’ll feel my wrath tomorrow morning.” Oikawa gulps down, knowing she’s totally serious.

-

Oikawa wakes up after the first good night’s sleep he’s had in a few months to an empty bed. He catches a whiff of miso soup which leads him into the kitchen, to a sight he’s been missing after all those years in Argentina.

Hunched over the stove is his girlfriend, clad in an oversized t-shirt while mixing something in the pot. The sight makes him smile, before her voice snaps him out of his daydream. “Oi, don’t just stand there, go set the table.” He salutes and scoops up two bowls of rice and places them down on the table alongside various side dishes.

Y/N sets down the pot she was stirring on the stove, letting Oikawa catch another whiff of her familiar cooking. “Thank you for the meal.” He says with a huge smile on his face. Y/N sits down across from him on table, where she then proceeds to stare him down.

The sight reminds Oikawa of his mom, who’s an expert at chastising him with looks alone. She bites down on a spoonful of rice, not once breaking eye contact with him. Oikawa racks his head for anything that he could’ve done wrong to deserve this mental beating. Their anniversary? No, it’s coming up in two months. Her birthday? Like Oikawa could ever forget. Then -

“Mind telling me why exactly you’re here on a vacation?” Oikawa feels the hairs at the back of his neck shoot up. Of course he couldn’t. If she found out he got sent home from over exerting himself again, she’ll rip his head off.

“I mean, there’s no anniversaries coming up, no birthday, and I doubt you’re here willingly where your team ain’t.” She lists off the facts with her fingers. Oikawa can feel the storm coming, this was only the calm before it.

“If you wanted to hide the fact that you’ve gone and practiced yourself ‘til you collapsed, maybe don’t have me listed as your emergency contact!” There it is. The ‘wrath’ she had mentioned the night before. “I mean seriously, Toruu! Did Hajime not tear your ass apart in highschool enough for practicing too hard?! You want me to do it too?! I’m scarier than that beefy bastard!” Yes, yes she is. Oikawa silently tells himself.

He clears the table of anything she could use against him as a weapon. Her chopsticks, fork, and empty mug, to name a few things.

“Oops?” Oikawa flinches as her palms make contact with the table. “Oops?!” She screeches. Oikawa gulps down a spoonful of miso soup, trying his best to avoid her gaze. He’s expecting more yelling, but is met with a soft look and a teary girlfriend over miso soup and rice. Fuck. He’d prefer the yelling girlfriend.

“Did you know how useless I felt when your coach called me saying you were bedridden for a week because you just didn’t know when to stop?” She lets out a deep breathe and continues, “Like what the fuck was I supposed to do from across the world? Fucking pray you weren’t out there dying? You didn’t even have the decency to call and let me know!”

Despite her larger than life personality that Oikawa has grown to love over the years, the sight of his girlfriend looking so small makes his heart burst from guilt. He fucked up. That much he could admit. His tendency to push higher and relentlessly practice until he felt his lungs begging for a break was always something that worried her, especially now that she’s not exactly within reach to stop him from pushing himself too hard.

“Toruu, I support your dream one hundred percent, even if it’s taking you thousands of miles away from me, but please,” The anger laced in her voice is replaced with desperation, making Oikawa want to reach out and hold her close, “take care of yourself too. If not for yourself, then do it for me.”

He doesn’t know whether it’s the fact that someone cares about him so much to the point it brings her to tears, or the fact that she is in tears, but he feels himself trembling from the burst of affection. Oikawa doesn’t have the best track record of handling his insecurities well, but knowing that that makes her sad makes him want to do better.

Oikawa crosses over the table and gently places her head on his chest, rubbing soothing circles on her back. Though she’s still a bit shaky from yelling and crying, Y/N eventually calms herself down to sniffles and tiny whimpers.

“I’m sorry.” Oikawa decides to speak first.

“I wasn’t looking for an apology.”

“But I’m sorry either way.” He lets his body fall into her embrace, noting this as another thing he’s missed since moving to Argentina. “For not taking care of myself. For not letting you know I collapsed. For always worrying you, but never stopping to check in on you.”

“And I’m sure this’ll happen again in the future,” he earns a light smack on his chest for that, “but I’ll just say sorry for that too.”

“And,” Oikawa mumbles, his face burrowed deep into the crook of her heck, “thank you, for looking out for me even though I don’t deserve it. You can’t understand how much I appreciate knowing you’re there for me, even if it’s not always physical.”

Y/N feels herself relaxing in his embrace, arms finally wrapping themselves around his waist. Her eyes are slightly watery as she looks up and says, “Promise you won’t hide these kinds of things from me anymore?”

Oikawa opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted,

“And I don’t just mean when you pass out. I mean like if it ever gets hard living alone in Argentina. If you miss home, if you think you’re working too hard and need a break, I want to know everything, Toruu.”

Oikawa simply hums in response, placing a kiss on her forehead. “I promise.”

-

A little while later, after they’ve both calmed down and are cuddling on the couch watching some old movie, Oikawa perks up, suddenly remembering something.

“I brought you a gift, by the way.” He skips off into the bedroom, unzipping one of his many suitcases. (He packed four, plus his carry ons. He’s only staying for two weeks). Y/N is visibly nervous at the fact that this ‘gift’ has a whole suitcase designated for it. Turns out she had a good reason to be.

“What the fuck am I looking at.”

“It’s me!” Oikawa exlaims, one hand forming a peace sign brought up to his face, and the other holding up a horrendous life sized body pillow complete with his face and team uniform. Y/N could only blink, wishing to Christen her eyes from the terrible sight. Or maybe turn back time to before she even saw it. After a long moment of silence, in which Oikawa did not move an inch from his previous position, Y/N finally gathers enough sanity to say,

“Alright, get the fuck out of my house.”

Oikawa decides to dig his own grave by cheekily calling out, “Oh come on babe! Think of it as a coping mechanism for when you’re missing your totally awesome boyfriend-”

A throw pillow makes it’s way to Oikawa’s face. They’re called throw pillows for a reason, because now Oikawa’s forehead is red, tears brimming in his eyes from the loud smack! that met his face hard. But apparently not hard enough seeing as how he still manages to let out a, “nice throw,” over teary eyes and two thumbs up. Y/N thinks her boyfriend might be an idiot.

A/N. Very very very short, I know. I haven’t been writing as much bc I don’t have inspiration for anything??? But I’ll get back into it soon. For now, thank you for reading!! I AM working on the two requests I got, but those might take some time!! Sorry for the wait lol. - chuu

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #hq #hq!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu oneshots #hq imagines #hq scenarios #hq x reader #hq oneshots #oikawa toru #oikawa toru imagine #oikawa toru scenario #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa toru oneshot #aoba johsai #seijoh

[thekingsparty]

//sleepy time for me. tomorrow’s katzi’s turn at the vet and it’s not a v comfortable thought for mom or me currently. we demanded to see lady vet who’s always been good to us (her and the jerk vet share the rooms etc, morning shift her, late shift him etc.), so it should be ok, but... after what happened with taigi neither of us have much trust in anybody currently. 

we’ve been bringing our cats to lady vet for years, we trusted her and her colleague. if katzi’s blood test says anything funky, we already agreed to go to the other nice vet for confirmation on medication etc. not gonna lose another cat to wrong treatment. 

i miss my baby so much, i keep hearing him when it’s quiet.. like he’s yelling for me from another room. i saw him in the corner of my eye last night and it hurt. it’s still surreal bc he was fine and then suddenly he’s gone, but my mind has issues processing that, so when i wake i keep expecting to find him somewhere. then i remember how fluffy he was and how sweet and oof. 

i’m much better at coping, kind of. or at distracting myself. i’m on a record run of no... ok, almost crying while mom keeps bursting into tears. tho to be fair i also try twice as hard not to cry so i don’t make her cry even more. i still think if mom sees dude-vet due to coincidental circumstances, that she is not just gonna cry at him, but punch his nose in at the same time. part of me wants him to pop his head in tomorrow. but then again i think we’re both gonna be crying a lot already bc vet lady is gonna ask about taigi. sigh. 

anyway, i gotta go sleep early bc vet appointment is in the morning and mom is going to be a mess, also katzi is relentless currently. main reason we’re taking her to the vet is her constant hunger. it’s not a ‘pls me want treat’ thing. it’a actual cat-terrorism. she’s just done eating and already sits in front of me and yells for food, she follows me around wherever i go, jumps whenever i move to demand food. dry food doesn’t even stop her for a minute. when crying isn’t keeping me from sleeping, katzi is there. it’s not normal. let’s hope it’s something simple like the thyroid (taigi got it when he was her age). we seriously cannot deal with any more bad news concerning cats rn. 

#out of collars ( ooc )

[iamanartichoke]

Someone on Reddit linked to a copy of Endgame streaming online, so I went ahead and watched it while I had the chance, so I could judge for myself. My thoughts, entirely about Thor and Loki, under the cut. 

ENDGAME SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. 

My honest, unbiased opinion is that this is a fantastic movie ... for the general audience. This is a movie for the masses, for the average movie-goers who will pay their money to be entertained for three hours by visual effects, heroic music, some comic relief, and callbacks to earlier movies. 

If you’re not invested, or if your fave character was treated right, then it’s easy to enjoy this movie without thinking too critically about it. I have no doubt that this movie will make a ton of money and people will enjoy it, which kind of takes some of the wind out of my schadenfreude sails, in regards to people finally seeing the Russos for the hacks they are, but whatever. 

However. 

First, Loki. It is very true that Loki has next to no screen time in the film, but there were a few little gems that I wasn’t expecting. 

So here’s all the Loki we get: Current Tony Stark drops in right as Loki is delivering his “I’ll have that drink now” line. Then SHIELD swarms into Stark Tower to confiscate the scepter and take Loki into custody. Loki snarks at everyone and shapeshifts into Cap, and then back to himself, at which point Thor puts the muzzle over his mouth. I think he says “shut up” but I’m not sure (the audio wasn’t that great, I missed a lot of dialogue tbh). 

They go down to the main floor and Thor, Loki, and Tony get stopped by Alexander Pierce, who insists that SHIELD take custody of Loki. Tony and Thor argue that Thor is taking him back to Asgard. Loki rolls his eyes rather dramatically at all the fuss. 

Then, Tony’s ARC reactor starts acting up and he collapses. At the same time, Hulk bursts onto the scene. There’s a bit of chaos - Thor, Pierce, and some agents are trying to help Tony while a bunch of other people are running from Hulk. I think Current Tony, who was trying to get the Tesseract, is knocked aside or something - I can’t remember. Anyway, Loki sees his opportunity, grabs the Tesseract, and vanishes. Current Tony watches him do it. Thor starts yelling for Loki when he realizes Loki is gone, and then it cuts to Current Tony and that’s the last we see of the 2012 Brodinsons. 

So, is the 2012 Loki alive somewhere? I’m not sure. The movie really left it ambiguous. It’s just as possible that Steve returned the stones and prevented any alternate timelines from occurring, meaning that Loki never steals the Tesseract, and Avengers - and TDW - play out as normal. I guess YMMV. 

The only other Loki we see is the scene in TDW where Loki is laying in bed, tossing the little cup up in the air, and we see Thor sneak past his cell. It’s true, Thor doesn’t even look at Loki, or mention Loki at all in the present. 

(New thought, but the fact that TDW still existed for Thor to go back to can imply that that movie’s events never changed and Loki did make it back to Asgard eventually. As the Avengers are going to their different time periods, the dates display on screen, and it’s clear that Tony goes back to 2012 and Thor goes back to 2013. So I think the timeline is intact? My brain hurts.) 

Anyway, Loki isn’t shown or mentioned again. 

So, Thor. The first 20 minutes of the film are great for Thor. He doesn’t really say much of anything, but it’s clear that he’s upset and guilty. When the Avengers track down Thanos and Thor kills him, someone says, “What did you do?” Thor replies, sounding absolutely wrecked, “I went for the head.” He turns and walks away. 

if they had followed this portrayal of Thor’s guilt and depression throughout the film, it would have been much, much better. 

They don’t, though. After that, I cringed every time Thor was on-screen. The secondhand embarrassment was so real. Thor was stumbling around drunk most of the time. It’s very obvious to everyone else that there’s something very wrong with him, but it’s hard for us to take this seriously because the narrative doesn’t take it seriously. It really is played up for comic relief.

When they ask Thor about the Aether, for example, he rambled on nonsensically about Jane and the Dark Elves, while everyone else gave each other these “what the actual fuck” looks. (Cue giggling from the audience.) 

His weight gain and overall unkempt appearance was definitely played for laughs, which I thought was gross, especially at how his costumes and camera shots were done in such a way that it really focused on how much weight he’d gained. Several times the camera specifically focused on his stomach. It’s very much “haha Thor is fat now.” It’s very embarrassing and cringe-worthy and disappointing.  

I will say, there were a few moments where Thor did well - when the narrative dropped the comic relief aspect and showed Thor’s PTSD. In his first scene after the time jump, Hulk mentions Thanos, and Thor gets very quiet and very angry and says, “Do not mention that name.” His entire demeanor changes. He withdraws, he looks like he’s on the verge of tears, and he says he isn’t going anywhere and he wants nothing to do with their plan. 

Unfortunately, that part of the scene is undermined when Rocket says, “There’s beer on the ship,” and that makes Thor go with them. 

His conversation with Frigga was okay. It didn’t have the emotional impact I thought it would, but to be fair, I missed a lot of what was said between them, because the audio wasn’t good. 

She kind of talks some sense into him, though, and they get to hug and say they love each other. But he calls her “Mom,” which, o-kay, and the entire interaction was tinged with bitterness on my part because Loki is the one who should have gotten to have a talk and a hug and an “I love you” from Frigga. 

Neither of them even mentioned Loki, from what I could hear anyway, which was just an extra slap in the face. 

Once the final battle rolls around, Thor fights well. He seems more like his Ragnarok self and less like a drunken idiot by the time he gives Asgard to Valkyrie, and he was also Ragnarok-y when he and Peter Quill quibble over who’s in charge. Ragnarok Thor is still OOC, but is an improvement from Endgame Thor (or maybe it just seemed that way because he was sober). 

So ... there we are. I won’t be paying money to see this in the theatre, but at least I did see it so that I could make a fair first-hand judgement. (Btw, if anyone else wants to watch it, I’m afraid to post the link bc copyright and whatnot, but it’s on a site called “Fmovies,” just Google it and it’ll pop up.) 

This movie treated Loki terribly, in absentia. His 2012 self was fine, I suppose, but as far as our Loki goes, there was literally no payoff whatsoever when it comes to things like Loki disappearing for five minutes, saying “the sun will shine on us again,” or even being remembered by his brother (or Val, for that matter). That first scene in IW really was just full of plot holes and there was nothing more going on. This is such a bitter disappointment on so many levels, and I really, really hate it. 

This movie treated Thor terribly, too, for all the aforementioned reasons. 

I’m pretty much going to ignore this film’s canon, the same way I mostly ignore IW’s canon. I really do suspect that 2012 Loki’s escape will be addressed or followed in the TV show, but who really knows. I’m tired, I’m disappointed, and I just want Thor and Loki’s relationship to go back and reboot from TDW, where Loki doesn’t die and he and Thor reconcile and sort out their differences and understand one another. I guess that’s what fanfic is for. 

Sorry for such a long, rambling post. To end this on a positive note, I will say that Valkyrie’s hair looked AMAZING and pretty much how I picture it in Sea. So there was that. 

#endgame #endgame spoilers #charlotte bitches about endgame #avengers endgame spoilers #spoilers #loki spoilers #thor spoilers #there are massive spoilers in this post #i can't make that any more clear

[tempestshakes01]

happy and anxious. 

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      

in the end, we were ok enough. 

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 

--

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 

--

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

--

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 

--

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

--

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

--

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 

--

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧) 

#miranda this is your life

[sunnysidewrites]

Zombie Apocalypse Survivor!Hwiyoung

i feel very proud of the outcome of this scenario! I wrote this for my friend who will remain anonymous but you know who you are :))) i love writing in this style it’s my personal writing style that I am very proud of and I like how it distinguishes me from other writers. please take the time to read this and pretend it’s your bias if you have another preference other than hwiyoung. please please reblog and get your friends to read this i hold this scenario close to me even though hwi is not my bias it’s that special!!! remember that requests are open but read faq & rules first!!! happy reading from your favorite mom!! ITS GONNA BE A WILD RIDE!!! i would greatly appreciate any feedback!!!

warnings: includes a lot of fluff + angst incorporated together, angst part will rip out your heart and stomp on it to pieces, fluff will try to mend those pieces together, you might cry -- i certainly felt emotional while writing that part :’))

The whole country has been affected by zombies

It only started with one or two in a couple of states

Hours later it spread to the coast

Next thing you know it has reached your town

Almost everyone has been infected and you’re one of the lucky few who still have your humanity

And sanity

You and the other survivors have been in a hideout for weeks and you’re not sure how long it’s gonna last

Your crew went from 50 people to 20 people in a matter of 2 days

Now it’s down to 10

It’s been a rough month since all your family is gone as far as you know in just the blink of an eye

You’ve gotten super close with your now population of 10

You’re the one who gets to fetch food along with Hwiyoung, a fellow survivor

Prob one of the most dangerous tasks y’all have to do but everyone picked you two bc you’re the strongest and most capable

Hwiyoung is pretty soft but his aim of a gun is no joke and he can shield you while you quickly get the necessities

Not to mention he looks hAWT shooting the zombies but anyways

And i also don’t know how you kill off zombies but just roll with it

Imagine hwi with a gun!! a gUN THIS BABY WITH A GUN

Side note: I also imagine him in a headband or like a tied bandana

He wears some black ripped jeans with black combat boots

When going out he wears a v neck sweater with a black motorcycle jACKET YAS

But when he’s inside the hideout he either wears a fitted thermal shirt holy jesus or he is wearing a muSCLE TEE OH MYGODGHLDG ARE THE ZOMBIES KILLING US OR IS HWIYOUNG

Everyone is always terrified you both won’t make it alive but you always manage to bc you’re boss af

You both grow super close since you have to go on those dangerous missions every day

You know he tries to act tough despite the situation but he’s just as terrified as you

“I can protect you y/n”

“You cried when i ate your cookie”

“They’re running low!! :(((“

But you know underneath his joking exterior he’s trembling with fear

The fear of losing you, losing everything he’s ever known in just this month

But you guys treat each other with a lot of care and even more so since you don’t know what would happen to the other in just a minute

Lots of insults and jokes but only bc it’s the only way to lighten up the heavy atmosphere even if only temporarily

You actually have developed super strong feelings for him in such a short amount of time i mean who wouldn’t when he’s literally all you talk to

But you can’t afford to pursue anything in the midst of this

Hwiyoung also began to take a liking to you and is a Flustered Mess™ around you

There’s an unspoken pledge between you that you will not ever leave each other no matter what

His family has also left without a trace and that’s another reason why you were able to bond with him so quickly

You heavily lean on your small circle for support, especially between the both of you

He’s always looking out for you

When you sleep, he brings you a blanket and puts your head on his arm since there aren’t any pillows :’))

He always double checks your weapons to see if you have enough

“You have enough ammo right???”

“yOU JUST CHECKED MY SUPPLY LIKE 5 TIMES”

“YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL Y/N”

A lovestruck look on his face every time you’re not glancing his way

He always says a silent prayer before he sleeps to thank the heavens he is alive and you’re alive with him and that he was able to meet you even though it had to be under these circumstances

There have been some scary close calls

One day the zombies advance on you when you’re coming back from getting food

Like i’m not talking about you escaping from them i’m talking about thEY HAVE REACHED YOUR HIDEOUT AND YOU AND HWI ARE THE ONLY ONES IN SIGHT

“hWIYOUNG WATCH OUT!!!!” you scream as you’re trying to fend off the zombies

Both of his hands are occupied with guns and the only sound in the air is the ringing of gunshots

He manages to stall for just enough time for the both of you to escape

You enter a deserted building while being careful to stay in the shadows

Once you’ve scouted the place thoroughly you and hwi huddle in a corner and start talking about your game plan

Ok so by now just pause reading and play a really sad ost song just do it

Do it

Play that sad song

Maybe with rain in the background

Maybe “still loving you” by sophia pae or secret garden’s ost bgm “guardian angel” or “tear stains” by oscar

Ok let’s continue

“Look y/n I don’t want you to be put in danger so what I’m about to say is only for your safety”

You do not like the sound of those words

“You’re gonna leave”

Hold on boi “what????”

“You heard me. You’re gonna escape from this place and not turn back. The state next to us is still in good shape compared to ours and you still have the west coast that’s barely infected. I have family in California, and they should be fine right now, hopefully anyway. They’re nice, so don’t worry about them. I’m sure they’ll accept you–”

“HWIYOUNG I’M NOT LEAVING YOU IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD GO SINCE THEY’RE YOUR FAMILY and we can’t!!!! We can’t leave each other when we promised not to” tears start welling up in your eyes and your voice cracks you can’t even look him in the eyes anymore by the time your sentence ends

“Hwiyoung, you’re the only thing I have. You really expect me to leave you like our families did?”

Here come the waterworks

“Look y/n we’re running out of time” he quickly steals a glance outside of a window and sees them advancing super rapidly

You’re interrupted when there’s a loud bang on the closed door

He quietly curses and grabs your shoulders firmly

“y/n,,,,, I didn’t want to confess like this and this is probably the worst time ever to do it but I,,, have to let you know now” he’s running on adrenaline this would never happen in normal situations but when you’re on the brink of death this doesn’t really matter

“I’m really glad that we were able to meet and bond it’s been truly a wild ride with you and i’m really gonna miss you snoring loudly and making my arm numb and,,,, what I’m trying to say is that,,,, I’m in love with you” his cheeks flush a light pink and this would be pretty romantic if you didn’t hear the groans outside

His lips press on yours and it’s a very bittersweet taste with your tears mixed in the kiss

You look at him with tears continuously rolling down your cheeks

The moment you say “i love you too” bAM THE DOOR BREAKS OPEN AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE SURROUNDED BY ZOMBIES

WHEN HWI PULLS OUT HIS GUNS THE RINGING OF GUNSHOTS FILL YOUR EARS AGAIN

“Y/N!!! GO OUT THE WINDOW IT’S NOW OR NEVER”

“I’M NOT GONNA FREAKING LEAVE YOU BEHIND WTF HWIYOUNG”

He pauses shooting for a split second to give you the most resolute and melancholic look ever and hastily gives you a forehead kiss that lasts for just as long

Since his arms are holding the guns, he uses his body to shove you out the window and thank god the height is not that high

“hWIYOUNG NO!!!”

“RUN Y/N!!!! DON’T LOOK BACK” you can hear him from above as he sounds like he’s struggling

Zombies outside have noticed you and you’re just like oHHohhoH this IS NOT GOOD

You scramble to your feet and run down a few blocks when you suddenly don’t hear gunshots anymore

“Don’t look back” his words echo in your ears

But you can’t help yourself and throw your head back to see the zombies mainly where the building is

You tear your eyes away and try to stifle a cry and tears blur your vision

Miraculously you’re able to fend off the zombies and pick up some last minute food on the way

You even managed to scoop up an abandoned car with sufficient gas

And you blast tf out of there

Your new destination is California and it takes you a week and a half to get there

You remember him mentioning his family in California and he once said they were in San Francisco but how tf are you gonna know where

You walk to a police station and just hope to god they understand

They’re a lil reluctant to hear you out and kick you out bc they have “better things to worry about” well jeez ok thx

You just aimlessly roam around the area and you stop by a beach

And you just SCREAM

You literally scream and bawl to make up for the time you couldn’t in the middle of your escape

“HWIYOUNG DIDN’T DESERVE THIS”

A few minutes later you’re approached by someone and you’re like um can i help you

“Did you… just say Hwiyoung?”

You’re just

:O no way

“Are you a family member by chance?”

He shakes his head however he is a family friend and he can connect you with his family!!!! And he even shares you a family photo as proof bc i mean you have every right to doubt him and further proves himself when he facetimes Hwiyoung’s aunt and uncle

You soon meet up with his family and burst into tears again from their hospitality and the thought of Hwiyoung haunts you and spill the entire story about how your family left and hwiyoung’s family left and he forced you to leave him

Several weeks pass and you’re slowly transitioning into this new life

It still pains you every time you think about hwiyoung or anything you associate him with

One day you get a text from hwi’s aunt “can you pick up some flowers for me?? And dress a little nice too ;) meet me at the local cafe”

Wtf why would you wanna dress nice at a cafe

But you think there’s a good reason so you just follow her orders and meet her there

She begins walking along the street and talking to you so you’re distracted by whatever you’re talking about and you eventually end up at the nearest hospital

You’re just like the????? Why are we here

She stops in front of a room and you’re still really lost like

“So are you gonna go in or are we just gonna stand out here”

She laughs looking amused “I should be asking you that. I’ll be waiting out here” and she gestures to the chair outside

You’re just like ????? um ok

You can’t help but feel a little anxious as you quietly slide open the door

You turn around and start closing it when someone’s all-too-familiar voice fills the room

“I see you didn’t look back”

#my post #sf9 #sf9 hwiyoung #hwiyoung #sf9 imagines #sf9 scenarios #sf9 headcanons #sf9 au #hwiyoung imagines #hwiyoung scenarios #hwiyoung headcanons #hwiyoung au #zombie apocolypse au #zombie apocalypse survivor!hwiyoung

[mynlov]

sunday. yesterday: beale debate, got no work done since the whole 2 sessions are compulsory. A got a shout out for being an amazing speaker, which i was so proud of bc her friend’s mom passed away this week and she’s been really beaten up by it. she told me after sport last tuesday, before S died, and she had so much work on plus writing the whole speech and preparing for the debate. she does ib too. but her side won and she got a special mention. amazing!

after the debate we went back to house. L and i finished watching ahs: hotel, which wasn’t better than murder house if you ask me. loved liz though and lady gaga impressed me. as always i drooled over evan peters the whole time. suddenly we were incredibly restless so we decided to go out. we didn’t even tell J. it was already dark, around 4, but L did my makeup in a dark sort of way around my eyes and i washed my hair so that it dried in a wave above my forehead. J later said i looked “amazing” and “like eleven when she had her makeover”. i wore my long skl coat so L said i looked 21. we fucking went into waterstones i shit you not... turns out He didn’t quit his job, he was at the till in a blue christmas sweater with reindeers on it looking frankly handsome as hell. he was helping somebody else with finding a book but i was trying to find sth for K since i didn’t want to get her vegan mince pies. i bought a goat calendar for 2018 which i might give to P since he likes goats and silly things. suddenly i remembered that i wanted to buy more books by bret easton ellis because i’m intrigued to find out if all of them are as strange and confusing as american psycho. He was passing by me and looked back to smile in a “hi there regular customer who i have decided to smile tenderly at” way (hold on let me just describe more in detail how he smiled because i’m still replaying it in my head: it’s so wide that it’s startling, but he frowns only the outer part of his eyebrows and sort of mouths “hi” in a quick way. also his whole arm is lifted in a friendly wave. like he went out of his way to make it clear that he more than recognizes me. as in recognize would be wrong because we would recognize each other anywhere. we’ve interacted enough times, i’m not being weird.)  so i went “ooh! i need to ask you something” and he stopped and wow my hands were sort of shaking but i didn’t notice at the time. then i took in his christmas sweater which was very obviously a christmas sweater and i said “merry... christmas” to which L later said “vi you’re so cute”. he replied with “thank you” in a serious tone which was weird. then i asked him if they had books by bret easton ellis. he took me upstairs and asked me why i wanted books by bret easton ellis. i told him i’d been reading american psycho. “ah. enjoyed it?” “uh i haven’t finished it yet. it’s a thing, apparently”. he laughed at that, so i felt quite triumphant. even though he’s kind and laughs at everything. i started rambling stupidly about taipei which was the reason i started reading american psycho and then said something uninteresting about the latter book. “it’s weird.” “yes, it is weird”. but it could’ve been worse. just wish i’d been more composed. usually i pull off the rambling awkward person thing. ahggjfjg. he showed me the ones they had and told me about bret easton ellis being “shockingly young” when he wrote less than zero so i picked that one over fatal attraction. 

“my PERSONAL favorite is lunar park, which we don’t have in stock”. 

“great!”.

laughs. then i said thank you and he said “anything else i can help you with?”. i desperately wanted to be able to say yes for a good reason and talk with him for hours and ahghggjjgjgjg but obviously i just said “uh... i’m ok for now. thank you” so he went away after one more deadly smile and i bought less than zero as well as howard’s end which i’d only heard the name of. i really want to finish books again. i finished taipei, which i was so proud of. and i’m halfway through american psycho.

afterwards L and i walked around the christmas market, drank hot spiced cider, shared a waffle and a plastic cone full of sugared nuts. then we went back to house and watched the 1st episode of coven with J who doesn’t like scary things, but she enjoyed it. we literally did 0 work. :///

this morning we got up and had 15 mins to get ready for the advent service. i put on the headband i’ve started wearing to get my hair out of my face and my old grayish sweater with wide sleeves. and jeans. we sang lovely carols and i saw mr H by the organ which cheered me up. not that i was in a bad mood. then we had lunch at house, sunday roast. instead of doing work we watched another episode of coven. it’s such a good season plus, the bae is back. made me wanna go to tulane even more! at 3 we had to go to town to buy essentials and vegan mince pies for K, who is my secret santa. we went into accessorise for J to find earrings for L even though L was with us. think she didn’t notice. A was there with her friend from the yr below. J bought L a small necklace with the capricorn constellation on it. we walked around for ages, drank mulled wine and bubble tea, tried to go to waitrose but it was closed so i gotta go tmr to buy the damn mince pies. we talked about what it would be like if we were in coven. it goes like this:

i’m a witch who can conduct and generate electricity. i lived with my parents in a relatively normal manner until i was at a frat party and shit went down. i was in the heated pool with a bunch of people who weren’t my friends. i wasn’t even there with friends. i didn’t even want to be there. unluckily, some gross guy cornered me in the water and tried gross stuff but i got so upset that my power manifested itself nastily. a shock went through the pool and everyone in it was dead. except me. nobody knew what the hell happened and it was assumed that there was some freak accident, a short-circuit with the house’s electricity or a loose wire.  i survived by pure luck. my parents knew the truth and sent me to new orleans to prevent any further accidents. general disregard for my emotional trauma ensued. 

L’s power: she can provoke or augment emotions in others. she can cause panic attacks, depression, bursts of anger, random tears, etc. comes in handier than you might think. she is a long-time relative of people involved with miss robichaux’s academy so she’s always been destined to end up there. or maybe she lives there! 

J can manipulate light so she can become invisible or temporarily blind people, etc. we all end up in new orleans one way or another. i think we’ll talk about it more. 

i started writing tonight because i have so much work it’s ridiculous. i need to write my theory of knowledge essay first draft, spend 2 hours on an english essay that i’m worried about (i’ve lost touch!!!) AND finish the math ia :))). mr M helped me LOADS (probably more than he ought to). details another time. i’m worried about work :( and motivation. but i’ve already done quite a lot! courage.