#all my friends at my college are cis and man they make me uncomfortable sometimes even though they don't mean to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pinuppuppjm · 2 years

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𝙄𝙛 𝙒𝙚 𝘿𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙏𝙤𝙪𝙘𝙝

𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘎𝘢𝘺.

Word Count: 1,721

General Tags: Cis Namjoon + Cis Yoongi, college roommates, mutual masturbation, mutual pining, alcohol consumption, etc on ao3

Read On AO3

(not proofread or edited)

Quarantine had gotten the best of everyone it seemed like. All of Namjoon and Yoongi’s friends had already broken down and gone out clubbing or drinking in the midst of the pandemic to cure their cabin fever. Yoongi and Namjoon were the only two that apparently had the strength enough to keep to themselves for this long, but it was wearing thin, especially with everyone posting their party videos all over Instagram. Namjoon was going to lose it if he couldn’t get laid soon, but the only person that he knew was safe to be around was Yoongi. His best friend and roommate.

But that was completely out of the question. It wasn’t like Namjoon was gay, and Yoongi certainly wasn’t either. Yeah, sometimes Yoongi would pop into his mind when he jerked off, but everyone has weird thoughts sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, sometimes Namjoon would pop a boner after walking in on Yoongi dressing after a shower, but it doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, sometimes Namjoon got a little handsy with Yoongi when he drank, but it doesn’t mean anything. He wasn’t gay. /Yoongi/ wasn’t gay.

Night had fallen hours ago, and the two were lounging on the loveseat in their apartment, eyes focused intently on the screen while some dumb romance movie played. They had been drinking for a bit and thought it would be hilarious if they turned on one of those /awful/ romantic comedies made for middle-aged women to watch when they’re mad at their husbands without even thinking about the danger it would put them in until they were shifting uncomfortably in their places while the woman on the screen got railed by the main male character.

Namjoon nervously glanced over at Yoongi, wondering if he, too, was getting turned on by the scene, and sure enough, he found Yoongi subtly tugging at his sweatpants. His eyes darted up to his hyung’s face, focusing in on how he licked his lips, but he jerked his head back towards their tv screen before he could be caught.

“Fuck,” Yoongi grumbled under his breath,

“What?” Namjoon questioned.

“I’m horny.”

His bluntness made Namjoon laugh, which made Yoongi laugh in return. The pair weren’t drunk by any means, but they had enough alcohol in their system to keep them giggling for longer than necessary.

“Me, too.” Namjoon admitted finally.

“Do you wanna watch porn?”

Namjoon nearly choked on air in the wake of Yoongi’s question. He couldn’t had heard him correctly. There’s no way in hell his best friend just asked him to watch porn with him. When Namjoon didn’t answer right away, Yoongi dismissed the idea, “I’ll just go to my room, and do it.”

“No!”

Fuck. Why did he make himself sound so desperate?

Yoongi cocked his head at Namjoon in surprise. Thanks to the alcohol (and luckily for Namjoon), he didn’t think much of the boy’s change of tone at all, “I’ll go get my laptop.”

Yoongi returned shortly with his thin little laptop that he used for class and he sat it on the short table in front of their loveseat. As Yoongi typed “pornhub.com” into the search bar, Namjoon became painfully aware of how close they were seated. Curse this small ass apartment forcing them to buy a loveseat instead of the couch they wanted.

“Joon?”

Yoongi’s voice made him tear his eyes away from the man’s thighs to meet his eyes.

“What do you usually watch?”

“I....” Namjoon looked at the screen nervously. He hardly ever watched porn, but when he did, he always watched homemade videos where you could barely tell the girl was a girl.

“Don’t be shy now, dude,” Yoongi laughed, turning back to scroll through the homepage, “I’ll pick one.”

The tension in Namjoon’s forehead released when he successfully dodged the question, and he watched while Yoongi mindlessly scrolled through the pages.

“What about that one?” Namjoon asked shyly, pointing at a thumbnail of an amateur video of couple.

“Good enough,” Yoongi huffed and clicked.

The older boy settled back before lifting his hips to tug his bottoms down just enough for his erection to spring free.

“Hyung!” Namjoon squeaked in surprise. He didn’t know why he didn’t expect this. Maybe it was the wine or maybe he was just a little slow, but either way, he was staring in disbelief.

“You can just watch if you want, but I need to jerk off before I lose it.” Yoongi laughed, briefly looking at Namjoon’s face. He would’ve looked at his eyes, but the boy was too busy staring at his dick. Who could blame him though? Yoongi, while not being the biggest person, sure made up for his height elsewhere. His cock was resting atop his slender stomach and reached a little over his bellybutton. If it didn’t have a slight curve in it, it would’ve reached higher. He wasn’t too thick, either. It was slender. Just like the rest of his body, but Namjoon couldn’t help but to start wondering-

He heard (and saw) Yoongi spit into his hand and wrap into around his cock, pumping slow and intent-fully a few times as he locked his eyes onto the screen as the couple had finally started having sex. The girl was on top of the guy slowly riding him, and Yoongi immediately matched the movement of his fist to those of her hips.

It only took a few seconds for Namjoon to give in. His dick was clawing at his sweatpants, crying to get out, and he couldn’t ignore it anymore. He quickly yanked the fabric down, letting his own erection pop out. What he didn’t notice was that Yoongi was now watching him.

“Oh my god,”

Namjoon’s head snapped to his hyung, finding him staring at him wide-eyed directly at his dick.

“W-What?”

“You’re fucking huge. How do girls survive that?”

“Oh,”

They both started laughing at the comment, but Yoongi wasn’t kidding. Namjoon was a fucking monster. He was longer than Yoongi AND thicker, too. Any girl that had the task of taking that would surely be wheel-chair bound afterwards.

After that, they went silent again. Namjoon followed his hyung by spitting into his hand and starting to stroke himself. He relaxed into his back as he started pumping his dick in the same rhythm as Yoongi was, syncing with the girl on the screen. Their legs were now pressed together, but neither boy seemed to notice. Or they didn’t seem to care would be more accurate. With Yoongi being occupied by the screen, Namjoon had free reign to sneakily glance over to watch his hyung fuck his fist with his beautiful long cock.

Maybe he had stared a little too long because he soon found himself ready to blow his load while staring directly at Yoongi’s cock. He just couldn’t help it. He wasn’t gay, but he wasn’t in his right mind. He was tipsy. He was losing control of it thoughts. It wasn’t his fault he was thinking about how it would feel to be that girl. How it would feel to be the girls that Yoongi would bring home and rail until the sun came up. How it would feel to have his cock pressed between them as Yoongi fucked into him ruthlessly. How it would feel to bounce his ass on Yoongi’s lap, letting him spank him until the skin bruised. How it would feel to be bent over the table and have Yoongi mount him like he was a bitch in heat.

“Shit,” Yoongi grunted, mostly to himself, “I’m gonna fucking cum, Joon,”

The last part slipped out. He didn’t mean to say his best friend’s name. He only said it because he was right there. Not because he was staring at his swollen, thick cock being stroked desperately right next to him. Not because he was thinking about Namjoon climbing into his lap and sitting right on his cock, bouncing away to his heart’s content. Not because he was thinking about reaching over to jerk him off himself. Not because he was thinking about tearing Namjoon’s shirt off him and torturing his nipples until he cried. No.

“Hyung,” Namjoon groaned in response.

They had abandoned the video now. Too focused on each other. They locked in on the other jerking their cocks like their lives depended on it.

“Joon-ah,” Yoongi moaned, shifting closer to the younger, “cum with me.”

Namjoon locked eyes with Yoongi for a split second before his hips were bucking up into his hand as he girlishly moaned out his hyung’s name as his throbbing dick spurted out the first rope of hot cum that landed ON Yoongi, but he didn’t care. In fact, seeing Namjoon lose all inhibition and let go, made him cum, too. Not that he would admit that.

“Fuck,” Yoong grunted as he, too, started to shoot ropes of cum that miraculously landed on Namjoon’s lap, as well.

The two moaned as they pumped themselves through their orgasms, relaxing into the back of the loveseat and letting their head fall back as they sprayed cum onto each other. Things soon went quiet. Groans were replaced with light panting and the sound of the girl on the screen still moaning like a whore. She was getting annoying at this point.

“Oh my god,” Yoongi mumbled under his breath as he milked the last little bit of his high out of himself.

“Hyung,” Namjoon whispered. He had opened his eyes before Yoongi and found that they /did/ cum on each other. The sight of his cum mixing with Yoongi’s on the man’s dick almost had him clubbing up again. He then looked down at his own crotch to find the same sight. Yoongi’s cum had mixed with his as they came. he couldn’t fucking believe it. That just fucking happened. Hyung came on him.

“Let’s not tell anyone about this.” Yoongi chuckled as he opened his eyes. He let his head loll to the side so he could look at Namjoon as he lazily stroked his cock as it went soft. He then brought his hand up to his mouth, and Namjoon watched in lust as his hyung lapped their mixed cum off his hand until it was completely clean, “It’ll be our little secret, okay, Joon-ah?”

Who knew Yoongi-hyung was so lewd?

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jungxk · 3 years

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just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

4 years ago

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold.

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces.

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him.

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed.

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

#jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook au #bts x reader #bts au #jungkook scenario #bts scenario #jimin x reader #jimin x you #jimin au #bts fic #jungkook fic #jimin fic #jungkook college au #jimin college au #bts college au #myfic

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chvndlcr · 3 years

Text

hey everyone, i’m elle! i’m in the est timezone. i’m nonbinary and i use she/her pronouns. i’m very bad at doing short intro posts but i’m gonna try to keep these short and sweet. so now let’s talk about my boy chan. he is my oldest oc - i've been writing him since 2014.

[ alex fitzalan, cis man, 22, he/him ] did you see who just walked in? it was that SENIOR, the ╳ + ASSIDUOUS AND - GUARDED ╳ one? you know, the one who lives OFF CAMPUS, CHANDLER LINWOOD! i heard they are majoring in BUSINESS and they can’t wait to get out of here to FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS TO DO. crap! stop staring, here they come!

name. james chandler linwood // when chandler was five, he found out about middle names at school. after asking his dad what his was, he immediately decided that chandler was a way cooler name than james, and has gone by his middle name ever since. one of his pet peeves is people referring to him as james. hometown. wayzata, mn // suburb of minneapolis major. business // chandler has no clue what he wants to do with his life. he’s been doing some photography gigs on the side since his freshman year of college, so he decided it wouldn’t hurt to get a degree in business so he could run his own shit better. he knows he doesn’t want to do photography as a career long-term, though. birthday. february 11th, 1999 // twenty two years old. gender. cis man orientation. biromantic asexual // chan is completely out as ‘bi’. most people assume that means he’s bisexual and he doesn’t correct that idea. he’s a lot quieter about being asexual. a lot of people don’t understand what it is, and ask invasive questions, and he’s a naturally private person who wants to avoid all of that entirely. hobbies. photography, cooking, video games phobias. acrophobia // fear of heights allergy. bee venom

[ BIO ] [tw. abuse/neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, self harm, depression]

chandler is the only child of john and susan linwood. susan is a doctor while john works for an advertising company. susan has always been a bit ‘out there’, with no brain-to-mouth filter and some very problematic viewpoints and opinions. john started drinking when chan was eight. actually, he relapsed into drinking again, but chandler doesn’t know he had an alcohol problem before that. chandler knew his parents loved him; one of their better parenting traits was making sure he didn’t forget that. but they weren’t mentally present enough to be very good parents. gradually his dad became angry and violent while he was drinking and that, coupled with chandler’s rebellious teenage years, made the linwood home a less and less safe place for chandler.

in high school, he was known for hanging out with the “wrong crowd”. he partied a lot, trying to mentally escape from his home life and normal teen angst stuff. he often mouthed off to teachers and got in trouble on a regular basis. but he also worked really hard in school, taking mostly AP classes while managing As and Bs. not many people knew what to make of that, and acted like he was just a troublemaker that was naturally gifted. but in reality he was juggling challenging school work, a busy social life, and doing all of the cooking and cleaning at home.

another thing chan had a reputation for was quickly rotating through girlfriends (and boyfriends, but there weren’t anywhere near as many guys to date at his suburban high school). but it wasn’t the situation everyone thought it was. as relationships became more physically intimate, he became more uncomfortable. as soon as sex was suggested, he would end the relationship. in hindsight, this wasn’t the best way to approach dating. but at the time, he had no idea asexuality was a thing and that he didn’t owe anyone sex just because they were in a relationship.

his longest high school relationship was madison. they had mutual friends and started hanging out. madison had a fairly obvious drug problem, but that didn’t bother chandler. a part of him was more attracted to her because of it, although he’d never admit that to anyone. plus she was asexual. this not only was how he found out that was a sexual orientation, but it also took a lot of anxiety out of the idea of dating and chandler fell hard.

madison easily grew jealous. she was biphobic, hated sharing chandler with anyone, and was often bossy and controlling. yet chandler noticed none of the red flags until it was too late. by the time he started trying to untangle himself from her, he couldn’t. he was scared what she would do to herself if he ended things, and as she became physically violent he was scared of what she would do to him as well. since he couldn’t get out of the situation, and had never learned healthy ways of coping with the stress and trauma in his life, he turned to binge drinking and self harm.

his way out came in the form of an acceptance letter from suffolk university. as soon as he graduated high school, he left for boston and never looked back.

while he had a great inner drive in high school, that came to a screeching halt once he started college. his motivation had always been to get out of wayzata. but now that he was finally free, he had no idea what to do. at the same time, he was dealing with the aftermath of both his dad and his ex-girlfriend’s abuse towards him.

while he continued pushing forward, he never found that motivation to really care about school or his future again. he’s in his final year of college and still hasn’t figured out what he wants to do with his life. he feels stuck and frustrated.

most people don’t know about his parents, or his struggles with mental health and self harm. he’s in total denial that he has a problem with alcohol. he simply doesn’t open up easily, preferring to surround himself with a shell that can become spiky if he feels uncomfortable. but he’s always cracking jokes and acting like he doesn’t take anything seriously, putting up a front so nobody looks too closely at the cracks.

[ HEADCANONS ]

while chandler is shit at taking care of his own needs, he’s amazing at taking care of other people. he will hold your hair back at a party while you throw up, make sure you drink enough water and electrolytes, then make you breakfast in the morning. he’s definitely a bit of a ‘mom friend’, although he doesn’t think he is.

he may act apathetic, but he cares. a lot. he’s a rather empathetic person. unfortunately he has the emotional intelligence of a spoon, so this isn’t always a good thing

sometimes when he’s drunk, chandler starts rambling about video game and/or cartoon conspiracy theories

his yearbook quote was “would you woohoo me in sims yes or no”

also he really likes cooking for other people so if he asks to cook for you please just humor him and say yes

[ WANTED CONNECTION ]

some sort of family member // he’s an only child, so probably a cousin. they don’t have to be from minnesota.

exes // guys, girls, nonbinary people....doesn’t matter.

fake relationship // for some reason, these two pretend they’re dating. maybe more happens, maybe not.

restaurant service // they can’t cook, so they’re always coming over and eating what chandler makes.

roommate // they could be the best of friends or hate each others guts. lots of room to find the right dynamic

best friend // one of the only people chan trusts, and they know everything about him

classmate // self explanatory

[ DISCLAIMERS ]

i know some people get really touchy about aces being portrayed as sex repulsed so often. asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, that’s it. some aces like sex. however, chandler does not and that’s okay too!

also i know he has some heavy topics in his writing. i will tag any post that involve these topics accordingly, and always do my absolute best to handle this kind of material in a respectful and empathetic way.

[ FINAL NOTES ]

so yeah that’s chandler. so much for making this short, but i actually left a lot of small details out. please like this post or send me a message to start plotting with my son.

#suffolksintro #(intro.)

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dog-teeth · 4 years

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hi, do u mind if i ask a Gender Question (TM)? ig u could say im agender bc i dont rlly have a strong connection to any particular gender (maybe male if i had to choose), but i have a strong desire to present as binary bc i rlly just wanna have a normal life. im experiencing a lot of distress lately bc i cant decide which gender to present as (i just want to choose one and stick with it). my bf (a trans man) says "striving for normality" is a toxic mindset. do u have any thoughts on this? tysm

presentation and identity do not always have to be the same. ultimately, what you want & therefore what is best for you is doing whatever makes you most comfortable with yourself and your life. if you want to present as a binary gender, that’s a valid choice. however i would say that you might run into other issues. presenting as a binary trans person does Not mean you’ll have a “normal” life, binary trans people still face a lot of issues equal to us nonbinary people (even if different), and you may end up finding that getting misgendered or misunderstood makes you dysphoric or otherwise uncomfortable.

i do very much understand the desire to want to be one gender and be fine with it, sometimes i feel the same. but if you really arent connected to either gender to the point that u cant even choose which one you would want to present as, i think you might find that “choosing one and sticking with it” might not work. if you think you would be fine with being misgendered and not out to people as nonbinary then thats fine, theres no pressure to transition socially as a nonbinary person if you don’t want to. if you want to present as a binary gender, do it because its what would make you most comfortable, not because you want to have a ‘normal’ life, though those can go hand in hand. its confusing.

i’m an agender/genderfluid/nonbinary person who is physically transitioning essentially the same way that is typically expected of trans men (hrt + hopefully top surgery some day). when i went to university last semester, people in school read me as male, and i had no problem with it for the most part. i didn’t give a shit about my classmates knowing my gender, they used he/him pronouns for me and thats all that mattered to me. i came out as nonbinary to my friends, and being read as male made my life a lot easier because i didn’t have to come out to all my professors and classmates which is a stressful process. however, after a while i did start to feel weird and misunderstood and alone because of this. no one saw me as what i actually am, and it was distressing sometimes. i’m not a man, and existing in the world as a man (in the eyes of those around me) was not right. but idk if its better or worse than being out as nonbinary and having to deal with ignorant cis people. and it was certainly better than if i had started college pre-T and gotten misgendered as female instead.

my other point of reference other than myself for this topic would be stone butch blues, a classic in trans/nonbinary literature. the author leslie feinberg wrote the main character to reflect their experiences and identity. the character, while not feeling male or female, chooses to present as male for safety purposes so they can lead a ‘normal’ life in terms of work and generally existing in the world, while still being trans/nb in their personal/love life. so this example i’d say shows that this isn’t something new, other people have experienced this too, even going back to the 60′s in america when the book is set.

the other thing is, not every nonbinary person is an activist, and not every nonbinary person wants to deal with the enormous weight of being nonbinary in a binary-run world. “striving for normality” isn’t inherently bad. some people just want to fit in and have their life be as easy as possible in regards to their gender, and that’s fine! being out as nonbinary all the time and presenting as nonbinary is very often difficult. if you don’t want that to be a part of your life, and you would be content presenting as a binary gender, then that’s an alright choice for you to make.

being nonbinary means something different to everyone. presentation is different for every nonbinary person. you don’t have to strive to be androgynous and visibly nonbinary if that isnt what you want.

its complicated, ultimately do whatever you think would make you happiest. and you can always experiment and change your mind later

#ez answers #sorry this is so long #advice #gender stuff #Anonymous

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yikesharringrove · 4 years

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hello!! i was just wondering if there is anything like au’s, kinks etc. that you really don’t vibe with so that myself or anyone else won’t make you uncomfortable by asking you to write about it. much love 💕

Honestly, there’s not a lot I WON’T write. Even if it’s not something I’m into as a human (like kinks and stuff) I’ll still write it, even if it icks me out a little. honestly, my hard lines are like hard lines.

I also want to say who I’ll write. I’m a Harringrove blog, first and fucking FOREMOST, but I love Stommy, Keg Boys, and Buckleway, and would be down as hell to write Stonathan and Stoncy. ( I LOVE Jonathan, but I have trouble writing Nancy. Just can’t find her voice really.)

I’ll put them under the cut bc I’m gonna talk about stuff people may want to avoid, plus she’s LONG

So, I WILL NOT write incest. That includes Billy/Max bc in my brain and how I like to write them is as brother and sister, that they’ve fixed their relationship, so yes. Which leads me to...

I won’t write for any of the kids in a sexual context. Most of the actors are minors, are that makes me feel yucky to think about writing these characters that way. When I’m writing a sex scene between Billy and Steve, in the show, yeah they are teens and that IS underage, but you’re thinking of characters played by ADULTS. Joe Keery is like, almost thirty. He’s a GROWN MAN. That’s why I won’t write the kids like that. This includes writing kid/teen like Billy/Max of Steve/Dustin and aged up, because it just makes me feel weird picturing these real life CHILDREN somehow aged up in sexual situations.

As far as content, I’m okay with most things, including triggering topics. I try my best to give proper tags and warnings, and if it’s something I DON’T have experience with, I do A LOT of research for my fics. I’ve also gone through some serious shit and use writing as an outlet for it, so I don’t mind writing heavy topics. Things that trigger me specifically, are like super weird things (ex: the song Dancing Queen. Yeah. I fucking know. Used to love that song and now I can’t fucking listen to it) so I have the emotional energy to write pretty dark stuff.

I hate Karen Wheeler and fully refuse to write Karen/Billy (outside of like, Karen hit on Billy and it was grsss!) that’s BIG YIKES to me and their scenes made me v uncomfy. I don’t think I could write Billy/Hopper or Steve/Hopper either, they need him as a father, not a daddy.

I won’t write Harringrove as abusive. These two mean the WORLD to me, and tbh they’ve both dealt with enough abuse. Sometimes I’ll see dark fics where one of them is going through something and becomes abusive towards the other in some way, and that’s just not my jam in a pretty big way. I love fluff and softness for these two because they deserve it, and that’s what I write. Most of my angst has happy endings too.

As far as kinks, that’s my hardest line. Like I said, most shit I will write. There’s a lot of kinks I don’t know much about, or would never be interested in trying myself, but I don’t mind researching it to write it. How I actually write kink is to find articles written by people who participate in and enjoy that kink so I can get more of an understanding of it, what it feels like, and why they participate in it/enjoy it, and then usually watch some porn of it. (which is SO FUNNY bc I’m watching like, hardcore kinky porn squinting at the screen with my glasses on figuring out how I’m gonna write and describe stuff lmao) so most kinks I’m fine with putting in the hours. With a lot of kink stuff I feel as long as everyone participating in it is consenting and in a safe environment, then go right ahead! So I’m not weirded or grossed out by much.

HOWEVER. Kinks I won’t write: -Shit. Usually I’m pretty live and let live, scat play is GROSS. Straight up. Full offense meant. Kink shaming is intentional. -Age regression during sex. I’m okay with writing Daddy Kink, and I wouldn’t mind putting in more research to write age regression outside of sex, but I DO NOT want to write something where they are actively pretending one of the participants is a child. That feels kinda questionable to me. Along with this is diapers and things like that in any context. From research I HAVE put into daddy kink, it’s not about actually pretending the dom is your father, it’s more about being taken care of. I am fine with all that, but to have the sub be pretending to be a child just makes something in me feel off when it is in a sexual context. Again, I’d be down to put in the research if you want to request someone who lives as a little or in a state of age regression and have the other person take care of them like a child. It would be pure fluff. I just wanted to make that VERY clear. -Blood in kissing. You’ll see in a lot of Harringrove when Billy has a split lip and they kiss Steve can taste the blood or something, that makes me feel REAL ick. HOWEVER, I’m a big dumb slut for vampires, and am good to write that, or gore, or even some murder boyfriends, it’s just when someone gets blood that’s not there’s in their mouth that’s pretty yikes for me. -Petplay is fine but I don’t want like, actually anthropomorphic

Honestly, I think that’s like, it? I was seriously thinking of kinks that like, personally I would NEVER want to try but like, I would write them. I don’t care. \

One thing you may or may not have noticed is that I don’t use the F-slur. I spent a lot of my life dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. I identify as queer, (I always write Steve how I feel, where I fall in love with people above being sexually attracted to just like, a gender as a whole and personally, I can’t have sex without emotional intimacy, but that’s more of a trauma thing) I come from a really conservative place and struggled a lot with my sexuality and thought because I do like guys and have feelings for guys, I’m just straight and pushed down all of my other feelings for people of other genders away. It was actually really recently, after I went to college in a liberal city and met all different kinds of queer people I realized that 1. I have had feelings for LOTS of different people throughout my life (I was deeply in love with my best friend in high school in a SUPER gay way and just kept pretending I wasn’t lol) and 2. I don’t have to label myself if I don’t feel comfortable with that. So I call myself queer. Because I considered myself straight, literally until I was like, nineteen, I always thought of the F-slur as the same way I do the N-slur. I believe the word can be reclaimed by people in the groups it was used to dehumanize, but since I felt I WASN’T part of the LGBT+ community, I never used it. Even now that I have accepted that part of myself, the word just still feels very wrong for me to use. I don’t mind reading it, and it’s used really often in Harringrove fics bc Neil LITERALLY says it in canon, but I just can’t bring myself to type it out, so I just don’t. That’s a SUPER weird side note, but that’s why you may see in stuff I’ll skirt around Neil or Billy saying it.

So basically, I’m comfortable writing most things. Sometimes, requests may take longer because I NEED to put more thought into it, or more research or I want to get it right, for example the one I just posted with nb Steve and trans Billy, I did a lot of research and read a lot of things written by trans and nb people about their experiences and feelings, etc. as I’m a cis person and didn’t want it to be insensitive or fetishy or just straight up BAD. But I LOVE writing so FUCKING much, I will put in the time and do research to see your head canons and thoughts come to life.

One thing that takes me FOREVER is historical type prompts. I’m BAD at history, like remembering stuff in general, so while I LOVE to take prompts set in different time periods, please know it’ll take me a thousand years to fill.

If you read all this, thank you, and I’m sorry for going on weird tangents about stuff, I’m kinda weird and my brain doesn’t move in one direction lol. Please keep putting in requests and letting me into your ideas! I love it!

#yikes talks #yikes writes #Things I Won't Write #yikes won't write

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fotiathymos · 4 years

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do you have trans hcs for any other characters in promare? :0

I do! under cut cause im a TALKER whoops.

uhhh trigger warning that i do talk a bit about transphobia and unsupportive family.

I realize in my last post I didn’t mention it but Gueira and Meis aren’t cis!

Gueira was born intersex and doesn’t agree to calling himself cis or trans. He is proud to be intersex. (do know this is a fictional character and not all real life people who are intersex agree or disagree with calling themselves cis or trans.)

Gueira uses he/him pronouns but doesn’t strictly dress masculine. Really just a comfy clothes wearer.

Meis is trans genderfluid. Mostly uses they/them pronouns and has girl days or boy days sometimes where they can be more okay with she/her or he/him. Just leans into a mix usually. Actually doesn’t like being called Gueira’s boyfriend and rather ‘partner’. Gueira says it like a cowboy usually to make Meis giggle.

I do enjoy Ignis being an trans elder. (He is like 55 in my mind not 40 as i think canon states?) Ignis knew Galo was trans upon entering the job but of course did not out Galo to everyone. Galo isn’t secretive about being trans though. When Galo finds out Ignis is trans he cries happy tears and hugs him, making Ignis just a lil uncomfortable but not rejecting the hug.. hes got a reputation Galo.

I always had it in my head that Galo joined Burning Rescue and challenged all their thoughts on gender and etc. Considering they all grew up in a strict propaganda filled city some of them mightve just heard of terms but not thought about it too hard for..reasons. But then Galo comes into the work place being the ‘queer kid’ and wouldn’t take any bullshit. He grew up mostly by themself, discovered things on his own and does still feel that outward pressure to conform (esp with Kray, Galo is the most ‘passing as cis’ as he can be around Kray most times). So I thought mostly about everyone in BR were cis, not all of them straight but cis...bbuuutttt

Galo makes everyone question their thoughts on gender cause Galo is so open about his own and loves helping others. Galo does ‘mask’ themself sometimes and at first joining didn’t go full blown open. But one day Lucia needs a tampon and Galo had one in his bag and Lucia is like ‘um what?’ Galo goes casual and just ‘oh yeah.. i don’t need them anymore but its become habit to carry it around yaknow and you never know when it could come in handy!’

Lucia is the first to question if its okay to be non-binary lesbian, like maybe shes not entirely strictly ‘girl’. She’s loud and proud about being gay, lesbian flag above her desk, talks bout going to lesbian bars and wanting to just hold a girls hand. So she’s the first to feel okay enough to question herself gender wise.

Varys is that guy you might know in life who is just chill about everything. Galo comes out to Varys casually one day and Varys doesn’t linger on it at all. “Trans? Hell yeah! We still going out for bbq? Double hell yeah!” But he’s also a guy you never know whats going on in their head. He just remembers weirdly specific things you say sometimes and comes back at you with them later. Galo mentioned briefly that sunflowers remind him of his mother. Varys mails Galo sunflowers when Galo takes the day off on his mothers bday. Varys also randomly texts Galo ‘hey you know how youre trans, can i be like not always a man?’

Remi............................reMI UH. Remi is weird in my head. I feel hes that guy who just makes everything into a TMI or sex joke or just awkwardly flirts with everyone he becomes friendly with. Like just pushes the boundaries cause he thinks were friends now i can do this, without realizing hes over stepped them. That guy who thinks just cause your his friend now we can talk about sex casually. Hes quick to apologize when told off but still. I’m horrible I feel like Remi is that guy who’d consider him getting pegged by his girlfriend means he’s in with the lgbt crowd. He’s cis and comfortable with that and is confused by non-binary identities but won’t insult his coworkers and respect them. Eventually he’ll learn that just cause you are over 18 now, not everything in the world is related to sex. Idk if that made sense or if I threw him under the die-cis-scum buss too hard.

AND THEN THERE IS AINA.

Who... I adore. And even my head canons for her contrast and complement Galo like her story/character in the movie. So....shes trans.

We don’t get info about her family life but I’m assuming her sister raised her by herself and the parents weren’t in the picture. Aina came out to her sister right out of high school. Heris was starting college and working to provide for her and Aina. She flipped out on her and her words were ‘i dont care if youre a girl or a boy but those hormones can be pricey we dont have insurance you cant get surgery your too young, etc etc’ Unsupported in misreading the situation as an inconvenience to money and life and not the actuality of Aina just being herself and wanting to be honest about it.

Aina gets ignored as her sisters career and life revolves around a sudden job with the Foundation. But Heris has money now. And is “supportive” in giving Aina money. Pays for her HRT, doctor visits, therapy, and then eventually training to be in Burning Rescue. And Heris is adamant that Aina never, EVER tells anyone she’s trans. Sweeps up any possible info about that under the rug. Doesn’t want to be looked at with a bad eye from Foresight. What Heris feels is a safety measure for her family is what Aina sees as shame. Kinda reflecting how Heris in the movie sees that shes doing ‘all this for you, Aina’ only for it to be cruel and harmful directly to Aina.

Aina doesn’t know what drew her to Galo. He’s cute and nice and friendly. Maybe it’s a crush? He understands me and no one ever did. He respects me for me. “Youre you Aina and theres nothing wrong with that.” (I forget the exact quote) The words play in her head for the longest time. She never came out to Burning Rescue for fear, cause Heris said not to, cause its ‘inconvenient’. And suddenly Galo is loud and proud about being trans??? Should she be too??

Eventually she confides in Galo. Probably after the Parnassus events. She realizes she doesn’t have a crush and was just not use to someone being nice to her and accepting her. She eventually tells the rest of Burning Rescue. Finds out Ignis knew all along due to paperwork but just once again, Captain isn’t gonna out his team member.

And then finally during a late night movie sleepover. Galo’s like ‘you know we should hang the trans and non binary flag on the front of the station.’ Lucia goes ‘YEAH a big FUCK YOU to the Foundations normies!!!!’ Aina says ‘we should really run that past Captain first...’ Finally Ignis walks in, tilts down his sunglasses and says ‘I planned for this’ and unveils a flag that just says ‘fight the cis-tem’ and Galo and Lucia SCREAM. Only Galo knew Ignis was trans til that point..

I made a STORY damn.

I hope that wasn’t... too much... thank for reading.... ;u;/

#boop answers #boops hcs #WORDS #i gotta not look at a screen for a while im shakinG #Anonymous #boop merps

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starswallowingsea · 4 years

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Growing Up Trans and AlloAro

Or whatever the hell this essay turned out to be. Under the cut because this got long (like 1340 words long).

---

When I was younger, I never quite fit with the word “girl,” but I thought it was just because I didn’t like playing with dolls like other girls my age. I spent my first two years of school playing spies on the playground and sticking my tongue to frozen poles (and yes, it is painful but I somehow managed to not get in trouble for it).

I would sit in our office--soon to be my baby brother’s room--and build towers out of his foam blocks and make stories for people that lived in cities I built on SimCity on our old desktop. Even with my girl friends, I would get confused about why they were talking about liking boys and getting crushes.

I remember sitting in my friend’s basement during a freezing winter in North Dakota and she was shocked when I told her I had never seen Drake and Josh before and then grabbing her Magic 8ball and asking it if she would fall in love with Drake.

I moved to Wisconsin a year later and had a hard time making friends. I thought we would just move again so I only talked with a handful of people in our already small school district. We would play dolls and teacher and I would get bored most days, wanting to play with the boys and make up stories.

It was around the time that he left that I knew I was different from the other kids. They were starting to date each other as early as 3rd grade. We would tease our friends about who they were dating but I never understood why they dated in the first place. For the first few years, I would deflect questions about crushes by saying I still liked someone from my old school, but that only worked for so long.

In 8th grade I started questioning my sexuality for the first time. I wasn’t really sure who I liked, because I didn’t really like anyone at that point. There was one kid I thought was attractive and always used him as my scapegoat when asked about crushes so nobody would know. I did like him, but it felt different than I knew my cishet peers thought about their crushes, just based on the way they talked about them. I thought I was asexual, because the internet in 2014 didn’t like to talk about aromanticism, much less than it does now anyway.

So I joined tumblr in like, 2015, the summer between 8th grade and freshman year of high school and posted about asexuality, being nonbinary, toontown rewritten, all the stuff that 14-15yos are into. For a while I identified as heteroromantic asexual, and then nonbinary asexual quoiromantic, and then aromantic asexual and nonbinary? Or maybe I was really cis?

And it went like that, back and forth between a few labels. I never felt like I could tell anybody, because I went to a small school and heard all the comments people made about the LGBTQ community and what my parents said about trans people and the messages preached at church.

When I was about 16, I realized I wasn’t ace at all. I thought maybe I was a nonbinary aro lesbian, or maybe bisexual. Tumblr in 2016/17 was very against having attraction to men at all in the circles I found myself in and I pushed those feelings down so I wouldn’t make people uncomfortable. I forced myself to be attracted to women when I really wasn’t at all. Every other post about bisexuality was talking about how beautiful women were and how disgusting men were. I never felt comfortable talking about my attraction to men in public, or even in private. I felt even more uncomfortable talking about maybe being bisexual and aromantic. At this point, alloaros were practically unheard of and there weren’t a ton of trans aces, so finding someone to talk to about my identity was hard, to say the least. I just simply was alloaro, but that word didn’t exist yet and I couldn’t find anyone else who was aromantic and not asexual.

That’s how I lived for another 2 years, as a nonbinary aro lesbian (or maybe bisexual). This was around the same time as I got involved in truscum/tucute discourse. I’ve always been minimally dysphoric about my body and got attacked for it by truscum and it would take me another 2 years to realize that I was actually a trans man. Because I started associating trans men with truscum and I didn’t want to be like them because they were always the nastiest people I had ever come across (I’ve obviously since outgrown this view point and am comfortable identifying as a man now).

Another two years later and I’m outside a Thiesen’s with my parents picking up stuff for my graduation party that was happening later. My feet hit the pavement and I get a thought that said “maybe I’m a guy.” I stopped for a second and kept walking in, thinking about that, trying out he/him pronouns with myself and decided before we checked out that I was a trans guy.

It took a while to get used to thinking about myself that way and I still use they/them pronouns. A few days after solidifying my gender identity, I realized I was aro and bisexual (or maybe gay). Labeling my sexuality came much easier, realizing I was a man. I’m still aromantic and that’s one thing that’s been pretty constant in my life. I never really got crushes in the typical way and I still don’t, even though you all see me reblogging yearning posts. I think that’s a byproduct of wanting to touch people in non-romantic and non-sexual ways in our society where touches have a lot of baggage with them.

I came out as bisexual and aromantic to my roommates in September. It came up in casual conversation and I felt comfortable enough to tell them, since they were all from the city and city-folk tend to be more accepting of queer identities (not to rag on rural folk, since I am one, but rural Wisconsin is not the place you want to grow up trans and queer). One of them came out as straight in October on coming out day and I forced myself back into the closet on coming out as trans. We had a falling out with her earlier this semester and she moved out.

Literally the night she moved out, I came out to the other two roommates as trans and they took it very well! They call me by my preferred name when we’re around people I’m out to and they even bought me a trans flag that we have hanging in the common room of our dorm (and at least one person has told me they say “trans rights!” whenever they pass by as soon as they found out it was mine). I’m still working on being socially out at college and need to call gender inclusive housing at some point, but I keep putting that off.

And recently I’ve decided I’m trans, aro, and queer. I still use the word bisexual, but really thinking about what genders I’m attracted to is super complicated and the word bisexual doesn’t convey that to most people. And queer just fits better some days.

I don’t really have a tl;dr for this, but if I had to pick something from this to hammer home, it would be that it’s okay to change labels and question your identity. It’s okay to change labels frequently or once every few years if you feel like they’ve changed! It’s never too late to figure out who you are and there will always be people who will accept you for who you are.

Also tumblr is the worst place to try and figure out your identity, but sometimes its all people have and I want my blog to be a safe space for people questioning their identities.

#transgender #alloaro #aromantic #aromantic experience #growing up trans #growing up aro #long post #shay speaks #shay writes #okay2rb #honestly idk how much sense this makes but i felt like i needed to get this out there #there's so much shit that gets thrown around this site and i know what it feels like to not see yourself in any of the content on here #ig that's what im trying to say?#also i wasn't particularly close to anyone in hs can you tell?#i had like 3 friends lol #but do with this what you will #it isn't meant to be an academic essay or anything. just getting my experiences out there #looking back on 8th grade me is like 'YOURE TRANS AND ARO AND QUEER AAAAAAGHHHH'#but alas i can not scream at my past self in real time

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fire-fira · 4 years

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Nonbinary Awareness Week Day 2: Coming To Terms

(This is probably going to get wordy as heck.)

First time I heard terms around being nonbinary or about there being more than two genders:

Whoooooo boy. Okay, so the first time I heard terms for it was sometime in my teens (because yay, the now dated af documentary [Middle Sexes]-- dear gods, I had to be around 18 or 19 even though it feels like I saw it when I was way younger, more around 13, smh). First time I was aware of there being more than two genders though... That was back when I was 4. I didn’t have the words for it back then beyond ‘I know I’m not a girl. So does that make me a boy? ...Noooooo, I’m not that either.’ (Not that I was saying that to anyone around me, because no one asked.)

When and how I realized I was nonbinary:

LOL

Like I said with the first question, I knew I was nonbinary when I was 4. (I’m an allistic hyperlexic and I was WAY too smart for my own good as a little kid. I was thinking through cause-and-effect when I was 4 and reading at a college level in first grade. So me going through that whole ‘Why are they calling me that? That’s weird and isn’t right, I’m not a girl. Okay, if I’m not a girl does that mean I’m a boy? ...Noooooo, I’m not that either’ string of logic at that age was entirely on brand for me.)

Something else that was entirely on brand for me at that age was looking at the world around me and not seeing any examples of what I knew I was and immediately coming to the conclusion that if I told anyone I wasn’t a girl or a boy that they’d think I was insane and have me committed to an asylum and I’d never be let out. Not fun times. (Though hilariously enough, that same logic I had as a kid also came to the conclusion that since I wasn’t a girl or a boy that it was impossible for me to be straight. Yes, I seriously thought out that sort of crud and came to that conclusion as a kid. And considering I’m aroace turns out I was right-- though obviously not for the reasons I thought back then. lol)

Though the first time I saw an example of anything in fiction that said ‘that’s what I am’ in terms of my gender to little me was when I was 5 and saw the anime Dominion Tank Police for the first time. (The character didn’t even have any lines and was unconscious in a sort of stasis, and then wasn’t even on screen for long. Pretty sad if you think about it, but 5-year-old me was enthralled by the idea of seeing a character like me when I didn’t think that was possible.)

Second example of a character in fiction that read as nonbinary to me was way back in 1st grade and it was a book on tape. I can’t remember the title or the author (infuriatingly enough), but I do remember that the main character (named X) was able to mentally jump from one person to another and ‘inhabit’ them without anyone knowing they were there ‘controlling’ the person’s actions, and that X’s pronouns shifted with whoever they were temporarily inhabiting. (Little me both was and wasn’t envious of the idea. On one hand, being able to switch around like that would have been nice; on the other hand, never being seen as me and only as other people is something that I found unnerving, and still do.)

Did I ever consider being a label other than the one I identify with, and what was the process of finding my gender like?:

From ages 4 to 18 there was a TON of me not saying outright what I was, but also trying to be read as nonbinary as possible. I was so painfully obvious about being nonbinary that it was like a rhinoceros wearing a tutu and a tiara and trying to hide behind a 1 ft tall bush and claim it was a ballerina. No one was buying it. But since most people around me didn’t have the mental framework to even conceive of anyone nonbinary, there was a lot of me freaking people out because they could tell I was ‘weird’ but they couldn’t put into words or place how I was ‘weird’.

I tried to figure out terms back in junior high to early high school, but the ones back then didn’t really stick. (They were way too caught up in my aroace-ness too, and just didn’t feel right. I let go of the two terms I thought up back then because they also felt kind of pretentious to me and I didn’t like that feeling.)

I came to third-gender as the term that just felt right when I was 22 or 23 thanks to self-education and finding Will Roscoe’s [Changing Ones]. (And damned if my mixed-race Native ass wasn’t relieved to know that a lot of NDN cultures recognize(d) people like me for who we are/were. And yeah, I know there are some things in that book that are questionable, but at the time it was what I needed.)

For a while in my early-to-mid 20s I considered identifying as genderqueer, but I couldn’t pin down the definition for it in my head and that made me uncomfortable-- and with the fact that one of the possible definitions is ‘a person not identifying with socially constructed gender roles’ (which can apply to some cis people), I felt like it wasn’t clear enough in stating that I am not a woman or man. So I ditched it pretty quickly.

I also had a brief stint in my early 20s of wondering if I was intersex and had been operated on before I fully grasped the concept that anatomy =/= gender. (I might or might not be, genetics and biology is weird and complicated and I don’t really care, though as far as I’m aware I’m not.)

Calling myself nonbinary more generally clicked into place when I was about 25.

I’ve vaguely considered Two Spirit, but 1) I don’t feel like I have a right to that term without someone else Native saying that I am (for complicated personal reasons), and 2) part of me feels it’s not quite as specific as I’d prefer for my own self-description.

Have I come out to anyone else? Who?:

AHAHAHAHAAAAAA-- I started coming out more openly in my early 20s and I never freaking looked back.

First person I actually came out to (in that complicated ‘I’m not a girl or guy’ way) was the school counselor for my grade on the last day of my senior year of high school. Talk about dropping an info bomb and running.

First person in my family I came out to was a cousin who I’m not close to (and has serious issues, which I’m hoping she’ll eventually get better from), and even though I haven’t seen her in years (she kind of burned all bridges with our family) my fiance’s seen her around recently and has told me that my cousin used the right pronouns for me. Honestly didn’t expect that when at least two (loud) members of my family won’t even give me that respect.

My family knows, all my friends know, back when I was in college I made it a point to come out on the first day of classes every class, and I make it a point to come out if I’m going to be interacting with anyone for an extended period of time rather than just a few minutes. Why? Because I am still PAINFULLY FREAKING OBVIOUS, and if I tell people right off the bat then they’re able to get over the internal ‘OMG THAT PERSON’S WEIRD! BUT HOWWWW????????’ pretty quickly instead of freaking out over trying to pick apart why I trip their sense of ‘this person is strange’.

If you’re not out, are you planning to come out? Is being out important to you?:

I am SO thoroughly out.

I cannot and WILL NOT go back to lying about who I am. I was so damn miserable before I stopped lying and trying to hide that I’m an enby. No one can pay me enough to ever willingly go back to that.

And again, I’m painfully obvious. I can’t hide, even if people have the biggest cis-normative goggles on, because my behavior, personality, intonation, and body language-- everything of who I am-- gives me away. It’s honestly safer for me to be upfront about my gender than it is to try to hide it, because if I’m going to be tripping wires for people anyway then I may as well give them the framework to understand it so they don’t stress and obsess over it to the point of either ostracizing me or being outright hostile. (Yes, that’s happened to me a lot in my life.)

Plus my being so blatantly out has helped a bunch of other people where I live come to terms with the fact that they’re enbies too. And there is no way in hell I will ever regret having helped others have the confidence to be who they are.

#NBWeek #Nonbinary Awareness Week #NonbinaryAwarenessWeek #nonbinary #non-binary #my life #long post #I need to reblog the prompt thing again #and probably the individual prompt posts

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calm-me-down-oh · 4 years

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How about all the questions ;)

skdsjf ofc u would get me back for that, under a readmore bc theres a lot!

When was the last time you masturbated? Yesterday! Had a.. very hot convo w my gf

Do you enjoy being fingered/fingering? Uhh the only time Ive had it done to me the person had to stop bc they got uncomfy with it and it was overall just a bit odd,, wait it happened a second time and their nails were too sharp also sdkfhsdh I feel like I could get to like it though? If its like, actually properly done rather than my current experiences sdhfk

How do you feel about food during sex? nno thanks mostly? I guess it can kinda depend on the food though idk, like if my gf suggested somethin I might not mind trying it out depending on what it was yknow

What do you do directly after sex? um.. well afaik just kinda lay/sit in a daze for a moment, mayb have some water, get real clingy, kind of have to be nudged into doing stuff bc i guess my brain just stops working skjdfkj

Cuddle with the tip in? Hell yeah. cuddle with it all in. sounds good.

What’s the nastiest sexual thing you’ve done? I don’t think I’ve really done anything nasty sdjkfsj all the sex ive had has been quite brief and vanilla idk

Name a follower you would fuck. @you-better-make-me!

Name a follower you have fucked. None..

What’s the sexiest part of your body? Idk man I guess my thighs are ok people seem to like them anyway

FuckMarryKill: DJ Khalid, Rick Ross, Fat Joe Am i supposed to know who these people are

Would you ever be with a trans person? i think the real question is would i ever be with a cis person (yes i would be with a trans person i am with 2 trans people and i am trans and i havent dated anyone cis since i was like 15)

Riding dick or doggy style? yes

Ever fucked in a school? Nope

Most random place you’ve had sex? havent really had sex in a random place lmao just beds

Would you ever be part of the mile high club? maybe..? thats having sex on a plane right. idk. maybe

Name three of your spots. what does this mean fkjd

Fuck on the first date? Depends

Do you suck dick? I’m sure gonna try!

Do you eat ass? Idk maybe not skdfjhsjk

Do you eat pussy? Haven’t yet, nearly did, got too nervous sdkjfh

Do you like kissing? So much!!

Is farting during sex sexy? I.. I mean its not sexy but like im also not gonna have a negative reaction. unless its me. that is something im admittedly very nervous about fkjd

Ever fucked in the shower? Nope

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Uh............ good question. 19 or 20 i forget if it was before my birthday but within the last year. unless you only count penetrative sex, then I haven’t yet

Do you prefer sex in the morning, afternoon, or night? Y..yes? I suppose afternoon/night is usually a better time, morning is jsut sleepy and trying to remember how to exist hours

Do you like drunk sex? Haven’t had it but I do get horny when I drink, wouldn’t be against trying it with someone I trust

Do you like high sex? Again never had it! And I haven’t really been high either so Idk

FuckMarryKill: Nicki Minaj; Cardi B; Kash Doll N..none for any

When was your first kiss? I was like 13 I think

How did you meet the person you lost your virginity to? College

Have you ever faked an orgasm? Nope. Wait maybe. Kind of. Idk when I was younger I was with this guy who would try get me to touch myself n I hadn’t figured out how to make it feel good so I’d just lie and say I was when i wasnt bc i didnt wanna do it so maybe at some point i said i came when i hadnt sdfhks

Ever painted/been painted on? Yeah but not in like a horny way, my ex would paint on my hand as kinda their way of flirting with me

You like sex toys? Sure

What’s your favorite sex position? Personally think missionary is underrated bc that closeness and being able to cling just sounds v good but also getting fucked from behind face down ass up also sounds,, v good lately

Sex on a bed, couch, or floor? beddd, maybe couch, floor just seems uncomfortable

Do you like car sex? Never had it, just seems a bit awkward but I guess I’d be open to trying it

You get instantly horny; what happened? My neck got bit!

FuckMarryKill: Trey Songz, Chris Brown, August Alsina. Kill chris brown. idk who the others are

Describe your crush. Don’t have one!

Woukd you ever be with someone with an incurable STD? Uh... Idk? I mean, theres preventative measures for basically all std’s right? So as long as those are taken so i dont also get it I guess it’d be ok

Rate your head game. No clue dkfhdsj

Rate your sex. Awkward!

Would you fuck someone outside of your race? ?? yes. what kind of question is this

Describe the type of freak you are. idk what this means but what first came to mind was ‘pet’ so take that as u will

Ever tasted your own nut/cum? Sure

Into golden showers? Nope

Body count: Under or Over 25? Wayyy under

How do you feel about nipple play? Uh depends! Not into being harsh like clamps etc just seems like itd hurt n not in a good way, but playing w/ them w ur hands and sucking on them. very good

Where do you like to be nutted on? chest/stomach seems good

Which are you better at: topping or bottoming? bottoming

What do you consider “too small?” Idk man dick is dick idc

Is play fighting foreplay? It sure can be!

Do you like angry sex? In concept maybe, in reality itd just kinda scare me

How long should a quickie be? Idk.. quick

How long is “too long” to have sex? Idk sex ends whenever one of u wants to stop, don’t think u can go too long if ur both comfortable with it

How long is “too long” to go without sex? Listen i.. am not the person to be asking this I’ve had sex maybe 3 times spread out over almost a year. i have never regularly had sex

Is “no” relevant in a relationship? Incredibly relevant!! Always!! Unless you’ve discussed beforehand that its ok to ignore it and have a safeword in place instead!! and then that safeword is not to be ignored!!

Do you believe in no-strings-attached sex? Sure but idk if i could do it

Would you have sex in a public bathroom? mmmaybe....

Would you have sex in a changing room? mmmmmmmmaybe

Who was the last person you had sex with? My ex

Describe your type. Idk I have the weirdest type i think they have like nothing in common then theyll all turn around and be into the same stuff or something its v strange

Name 3 turn-ons. Biting, just making out sometimes tbh, skin contact in places usually covered by clothes or under clothes..

Name 3 turn-offs. Umm. i definitely have turn offs but whenever im asked my mind goes blank. I guess being overly rough, hair pulling im undecided on tbh, and oh i usually dont like having my ass smacked but idk if itd change if it were like.. in the middle of sex

Name something that would make you stop in the middle of sex. Bad pain or panicking or it seems like the other person is uncomfortable. or someones knocking on the door for some reason sdkfjs

Would you answer a phone call during sex? no omg

Would you ever pay for sex? Nah.

Would you accept money for sex? Uh. Maybe? Wouldnt ask for it tho

How do you typically feel after sex? Mostly affectionate and good, but w the last person i was with sometimes it seemed like they just wanted it over and done with so i would get kinda nervous and guilty over that,, idk

Do you like your body? Nah

Ever sent nudes? Yep

Have you ever cheated on someone? Yeah he was abusive

Have you ever been cheated on? Idk, maybe, wait i think the guy i cheated on tried saying he cheated on me too but idk if he was just trying to get back at me so

Would you have a threesome? If I trust the people sure

Would you have a foursome? Same as above

Would you take part in an orgy? Uhh idk maybe, same as above applies tho

Would you let’s train be ran on you? Again if I trust the people yeah sure

How often do you masturbate? Idk it really depends sometimes im really horny and its like daily maybe more than once a day and then sometimes i just dont for like. a while

Sex with the lights on or off? on.. how are u meant to see what ur doing otherwise sdjkhfs

Sex with music or tv in the background? Sure, idc really. Though i have a thing if its like.. kids stuff.........dont do that..........

Do you have a cousin you’d fuck if you weren’t related? wtf no

In your last relationships, rate the sex? Uhh... good? I mean, good at the time, though like i said sometimes felt a bit rushed, and that now makes sense and i have very mixed feelings on it but mostly guilt bc the person i was with has since said they werent really into it. so.

Do you sleep naked? Nah I at least have underwear on

How often do you go commando? Never

Are your nipples pierced? If not, would you get them pierced? Nope

Do you dive right into sex, or converse first? Uh, depends? Talking about it beforehand or even during can be good though. But i guess it doesnt have to be Right before it, it can be a bit in advance

After taking your clothes off, what’s the first move? Kiss.. touch,, etc,,

Do you make the first move? Um. w my ex i kinda had to bc as i said, i later found out they werent really into it. other than that i generally dont tho bc im very nervous abt all that, kinda especially after that discovery hdfbghf

Have you ever had sex with more than one person in a day? Nope

Do you like dryhumping ? Sure

Can you twerk or do a split on a dick? Probably not

Have you ever been recorded during sex? No but I’ve had a dream abt being recorded sucking someones dick it was weird

Do you watch porn during sex? W. who does that. how can u focus on that. why would u watch sex when ur having sex skdjfhsjdk

After fucking, do you try becoming friends with a one night stand? Never had a one night stand

What’s your kink? Praise! Marking! Collars!

Would you hook up with the same hook-up again? I don’t think i could have a hook up tbh so no

Ever made a relationship from a one night stand? nope

How romantic are you during sex? uh.. idk havent rly had chance to try being romantic during sex but soft sex sounds v good imo

Describe your sex in 5 words or less. in my experience so far? nervous and kinda awkward

#god rip to my gf when every question i answer abt what its like having sex w me is just 'uh! awkward!'#Anonymous

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coille-sunmane · 4 years

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Since I've been thinking about it again, which is obvious given the posts about Contrapoints I recently reblogged, I guess I just wanna air my thoughts.

I don't like sharing pronouns. I just don't. The reasons for that are layered, so I will try my best, and understand that this is just my experience. I'm sharing this to maybe help give insight for people who don't understand (mainly the cis people who continue to weight in against what Contrapoints explained).

Back when I was a baby trans and didn't pass and was excitedly out, I was at the end of my time in college and really wanted to make a statement to everyone that I was trans. I told everyone I was trans, I told my pronouns to everyone, I pushed for sharing pronouns in classes and a said "as a trans person" before a shit load of my arguments because that's literally all I could focus on. I did similar things regarding my recently out asexuality to equal levels of, what would later seem to me to be, obnoxiousness.

As I was on T for longer, and began to pass, I stopped doing this as much. For one, it was clearly getting on people's nerves. I was diverting conversations away from their intended discussions and talking over other people to put my experiences into the conversation. That's on me, and was shitty behavior, and not at all fair to others. But for two, I was passing more and more, and so anytime pronouns were brought up, it felt like I was welcoming others to clock me, especially if someone in the room already knew. It would also drudge up my eye to all the ways I felt I was failing to pass. A cruel critical eye many a trans person develops while they are non-passing, unfortunately.

So now, about five years on T, and basically stealth and passing at work and in public, it is just an all around uncomfortable situation to share pronouns. It reminds me of my early ears of transition where I was obsessed with the performativity of my transness and was honestly rude and pushy with others about it. This came about out of a desperate attempt to be recognized for who I really was, and for what felt like me trying to make the world better, but it doesn't change the fact I acted like an annoying brat. But it also acts as what feels like a societal reminder I'm trans, and sometimes feels like it's the people in the room subtly telling me I don't pass and so we all need to say our pronouns, because the one transgender person is in the room. It sometimes really gets me stuck in the past in a bad way. I like people to assume my gender. I want people to assume my gender. I like just looking and being read as a man. And every time I feel like I have to remind the casual stranger that I am a man, feels like some acknowledgement that I'm not truly a man. Just making the sharing of pronouns more normal, or teaching cis people to not act weird when asked what their pronouns are doesn't really fix this sort of discomfort because it is built from a change in perception about oneself (and also my own particular brattiness, but that aside). I am passing now, and feeling reminded of a time I didn't sucks.

Now, will all of that out if the way, I think that, for the sake of enby and non-passing trans folks, we should still be sharing pronouns. Contrapoints said this herself in the Tweets that got everyone going, and in her video "Pronouns" where she said exactly what she said in the Tweets. But, we should also be allowed to and able to explain a clashing of needs within the community when it arises. And this is one of those times. It doesn't mean that anyone hates anyone else. It's just a simple difference of needs and access that we have to work around.

An example: Someone who suffers from sensory overload is trying to watch a film with a friend who is hard of hearing. This person has a hard time focusing on the film if there are subtitles running because they find it distracting, and they basically miss most of what the movie is trying to do because of it. But their friend needs the subtitles to be able to enjoy the film at all.

Neither of these people are bad or wrong for having different needs. As a person who is also very easily distracted by subtitles and prefers not to use them, it is better that I have a slightly less enjoyable time with the film than keep my friend from being able to enjoy it at all.

Same situation here. Just because I don't like sharing my pronouns, just because it makes my experience with others less enjoyable, it doesn't keep me from participating, nor does it invalidate me in anyway. It just makes me a little I comfortable. But the alternative is some others in our community feeling unwanted and unseen, it keeps them from participating in a way that is true for them. So while all my above feelings are true, so is my final one. Sharing pronouns kinda sucks for some passing, binary trans people, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. It just means that there is a clashing of needs and being able to be aware of and being free to acknowledge this will help us deal with clashes like this in the future.

#long post #transgender #contrapoints discourse #opinion #lgbt #sorry it's rambling but it's been stuck in my head

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the-queer-look · 5 years

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Bee Yourself

When viewed from outside, the LGBTQIA+ community, is portrayed as a single, homogenous culture, with a few socially accepted experiences which cisgendered, heterosexual society expects use to conform to. In reality, the LGBTQIA+ community is an umbrella term for a multitude of distinct cultures, united by shared commonalities. This narrow view of what it means to be a part of our community can be extremely damaging to those looking to find themselves.

The Queer Look seeks to explore the identities and experiences of people within the LGBTQIA+ community. To show the many facets that make up a person, and the ways in which we express our identities physically.

The Queer Look aims to show that just because someone does not follow a traditionally accepted path to their identity, and does not conform to all stereotypes associated with that identity, that their experience is not less valid. A gay man who comes out in his forties is no less gay. A Lesbian who has had several boyfriends is no less a lesbian. A trans woman who does not want to wear dresses is no less a woman. And a trans man who refuses top surgery is no less a man.

We are here. We are queer. And we are as unique and distinct as the colours on our flags.

p.s. True to form, I was so excited about the first interview/photoshoot that I forgot to set up the recording equipment. Luckily, Bee took the time to answer a questionnaire that I sent after the fact, hoping to recapture the questions and answers received on the day.

Preferred Name: Bee

Age: 21

Location: Lewisham

Occupation/field of study etc: Receptionist, Arts - History/Gender Studies

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Gender: Non Binary

How would you dress yourself on an average day?

On the day-to-day I pretty much have a uniform! You will always find me in high waisted jeans, a white graphic tee and maroon Doc Martens. Some days I wear a binder but some days I don’t, depending on my dysphoria and level of laziness… I also always have colourful socks on because even if you can’t see them in my Docs I still love them.

At what point did you realise that you were Bisexual?

I think I properly realised when I was at college in university. I was sitting at the dining table with a friend and we were going through my tinder which had all genders selected (although tinder was still pretty binary then…) and we were both commenting on how hot we thought everyone was. Another friend came and joined us and asked what we were doing, to which we of course answered: “oh we’re just looking at hot girls on tinder”. I asked her what she thought of the girl we were currently looking at and she said “oh no I’m not into women” I ended up asking her again because I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what she meant… and in response she said “I’m not really attracted to her because I’m straight.” I think at that point I was like, oh…. I thought everyone was just attracted to everyone??? Which in retrospect I can only eyeroll a bit at my poor baby self… because it really did take me way to long to put it all together… So even though that was the exact moment, I think that was more like the moment I discovered the label applied to me rather than the moment I realised.

At what point did you realise that you were Non-Binary?

I think it was probably a similar experience to discovering I was bisexual. I realised over a year ago now when I was in USYD Queer Revue in 2018. Being around a community of trans people was something I’d never had before and listening to everyone talk about gender and how they felt made me realise that I had a lot of the same feelings… I bought a binder during the show and trying it on I just felt so like myself? I still sometimes feel insecure that I don’t have the classic narrative of knowing I was non-binary since I was a child, because it’s the narrative a lot of mainstream media likes to use for transness. But I think I needed the time to be experiment with femininity before I finally was able to put a name to how uncomfortable I’d been with it for most of my life. I think realising I was non-binary was a lot of putting pieces together rather than a moment of instant clarity. But I’m glad it took me awhile to experiment and figure out what identity fit me.

Have you noticed a distinct change in the way you present yourself from before these realisations to after? How has this changed since?

Definitely!!! I guess the first thing is that I stopped wearing things that make me uncomfortable! When I first came out I tried so hard to fit into the “traditional” narrative of being non-binary, which for afab non-binary people boils down to “if you’re not masc you’re not non-binary”. I wore my binder constantly, I lovvvved button ups and I wore a lot of low-waisted pants and baggy jumpers. After awhile I realised that it didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would, because even though I wasn’t being forced to perform femininity, I was still performing my gender. Now I think what I wear lies somewhere in the middle of what I used to wear before and after coming out. Before I came out I definitely tried as hard as I could to be the “perfect woman”. Lots of femme cut tops, dresses, skirts, heels (which god I hate wearing… just like so much…) and make-up. I still have a few of the clothing pieces I wore back then, but almost all of my wardrobe is completely different. I still wear elements now of what I used to wear – I have always been a jeans and graphic t-shirt person - but I now style them in very different ways.

I’ve also started to reclaim some of the things I vehemently rejected when I was in my masc phase. When I first came out I vowed I would never wear make-up again. But now I’ve come to love wearing make-up as a form of expression when I’m going out or to a party. I still feel pretty dysphoric wearing it day to day, but wearing colourful and bold make-up is something I’ve come to love again. I’ll also very occasionally wear a dress if I feel like it, but I tend to just wear the things that make me comfortable. Now basically all I wear is high-waisted jeans, they don’t give me a very masculine silhouette but when I see myself in photos or in the mirror I look like myself. I joke a lot that I wear a lot of dad fashion, and I think that’s maybe what I’ve become most comfortable in, knowing that people are probably still going to read me as a woman no matter what I wear (thank you heteronormativity…) so I may as well wear what makes me happy and for me that’s feeling like a fancy ass dad.

Do you believe that there is any weight to stereotypes about the way people dress based on their sexuality/gender? e.g. bi people tuck in their shirts, lesbians wear flannel etc. Do you believe that there are inherent differences in the way that lgbt+ people present themselves that make them more visible to other members of the community?

Oh god as someone who adheres to all the stereotypes (eep) this is a hard question! But yes, I think so. I think it really depends on the generation and identity. But I think a lot of people do wear things to make ourselves visible to each other. Whether that’s subtle things like adhering to stereotypes or more overt things like wearing activist or identity shirts.

But a lot of it just comes from LGBT+ culture. There’s an obvious style, way of talking, relating, and expression that LGBT+ people have developed historically and that almost all of us continue to participate in. I think a lot of it comes from musicians, particularly drag or music videos, historical figures like Bowie but now from lots of different singers like Janelle Monáe, Troye Sivan, Kim Petras, King Princess etc etc. I think stereotypes have developed because our culture is so prevalent, and most LGBT+ people adopt stereotypes unconsciously because we surround ourselves with people who express themselves in certain ways and are inspired by them. So, while sometimes we actively try to become visible to each other, I think it’s more that we’re all just hopelessly and lovingly enthralled in our own culture.

Do you feel that a lack of lgbt+ representation in media contributes to a more narrow, shared understanding of lgbt+ fashion, when compared to cis/het counterparts?

Oh god yes. Yes yes yes. Coming out as non-binary I think a lack of representation was so much of what contributed to me struggling with my identity. Before I came out I knew only ONE famous non-binary person… Ash Hardell I’m looking at you. While knowing about Ash was really helpful to me and representation of any form of expression is so important, the overwhelming narrative for afab non-binary people is that if you’re not masc presenting you’re not non-binary. For awhile that meant I tried so so hard to validate my identity by presenting as masculine as I possibly could. I cut my hair, I wore a binder every damn day, I wore joggers and button-ups, I wore hoodies constantly (because apparently to me that was the height of masculinity??). But after doing that for awhile, I realised I was just as unhappy eradicating every ounce of femininity from myself as I was when it was all I expressed. I think going through that process of experimentation was really important for me to realise that instead of trying to fit into what cis/het culture expected non-binary people to look like, I needed to just be myself first and wear what I love and want to wear and know myself that being non-binary is still part of who I am. And a HUGE part of that process was also finding femme presenting non-binary people, especially afab femme enbies. For me it helped enormously in accepting my body and realising that I didn’t have to hate it as violently as I was because it didn’t fit into the definition it was supposed to. Finding people like Dorian Electra (omg please do yourself a favour and look them up they are the epitomy of my gender), Alok Vaid-Menon, Tillett Wright, Sasha Velour etc etc made me realise that there are more ways to be non-binary than just one. Which is what is so damaging about having less representation – it only validates one path, so either you have to bush-bash yourself a new one (which is insanely tiring, emotionally exhaustive and scary) or you have to squeeze yourself into the one path that is provided for you to claim validity. Honestly, I could go on and on about representation but yes it’s so goddamn important. So Mark Zuckerberg and inc. if you’re reading this like I know you are FIX IT YOU HAVE SO MUCH MONEY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FIX IT.

When you are in an exclusively lgbt+ setting, do you feel pressured to “play up” your queerness? If so, does this heightened queer exterior feel more true to yourself?

Yes, I think there are still definitely elements of performance to being in a queer space. Sometimes they can be negative, which generally come from the part of me that is still insecure about my identity and worried about how valid I am. I think a lot of queer spaces still hold at their core a performance of queerness that can be a bit exhausting? As cliché as it is, watching Hannah Gadsby’s Nannettereally helped me understand that. Because part of being queer is finding ways to survive, and so much of queer culture revolves around making jokes about our experiences that sometimes are so limiting in how they allow us to exist. We are all just so starved of space to talk about queerness, that when we can I think we all tend to fall into the trap of performing our identities as much as humanly possible. I’m really curious about how other queer people feel about it, but I think for me there is definitely an element of performance that I still struggle with a little. However, I am still so indebted and so in love with queer spaces and queer people. I always feel so at ease being around people who share a way of thinking. And I mean hey, I’m queer, performing is in my blood.

Find all images from the interviews on facebook: facebook.com/thequeerlook

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