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sarcasmsweetie · 2 years

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Accepting the Bond

“A Better Life” Bonus Scene

Warnings: this is just... the smuttiest smut I have ever smutted. Friends, when I put the “18+” warning in my bio, it was like it was waiting for this moment. oral (f. receiving), pet names, praise kink, breath play... But also soft and lovey-dovey Azriel that makes my heart flutter. Let me know if I missed anything else!

Azriel x Archeron Sister

Word count: 4.5k

Masterlist

“The honor is all yours, Lady Archeron.” I narrowed my eyes at Azriel’s cheeky grin, pulling the key he gifted me a year and a half ago from my pocket. As I had promised him, I began getting things sorted in Winter once we started designing our new home. I couldn’t make it out to the mountains in Night that frequently because of the bakery and working on selling my cottage and any other knickknacks I wouldn’t be bringing with me, so I haven’t seen the space since construction first started 8 months ago. I was here when they first poured the foundation, but haven’t been here since. I was involved in the design of the space, as well as picking out some furnishings, but I have not laid eyes on our home until this moment.

I looked at the large, black door with stained glass inlays depicting a reindeer with Velaris’ mountains between the reindeer’s antlers. Azriel had kept the door that belonged to the key a secret for so long, I felt tears forming at the crossover of our two lives. Sniffling a bit, I said quite seriously, “You know that Fenrir can never see this, right? His ego would get so inflated he’d be able to fly everywhere he wants to go for the rest of his life.” Azriel laughed before placing his arm around my shoulders.

“It’s our little secret, then.” Now that he’s made physical contact with me, I could practically feel him buzzing with excitement (or nerves) at the unveiling of our house. Looking up at him with a smile, I turned the key and opened the door.

The house was two stories with high ceilings that dark wooden support beams kept sturdy. Matching hardwood floors covered the space, and a mix of white drywall and stone walls made up the barriers to the rooms. The back exterior wall was made entirely of glass, opening up to the breathtaking views of the mountains. The living room, dining room, and kitchen were an open concept, and all of the bedrooms lined up against the wall of windows on the second floor so that anyone who slept here would wake up to the sight of the sun rising over the mountains. We also made sure we had both a massive home library/office as well as my own piano room. Every room was designed with space in mind to accommodate any number of Illyrians who may be roaming the halls, but ensuring the space did not mean any sense of homey comfort was diminished.

Walking through our home, I felt the air leave my lungs at finally seeing our little sketches come to life. Azriel stepped up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist and rest his chin on the top of my head. “Welcome home, sweetheart. I hope it’s everything you dreamed of.”

I turned in his arms, wrapping my own around his neck and looked into his bright hazel eyes. “It’s so much more than I could have imagined.” With a smile, he kissed my forehead and my eyes closed at the contact.

“There are some little additions the designer added if you want to walk through and see everything.” I pretended to consider his offer, but instead made a counteroffer.

“We could take the time to do that now, but I do have to admit that I am starving.” His eyes darkened and I didn’t bother hiding my grin. “I think a little visit to the kitchen is first on the list, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Now that you mention it, I could have a bite.” I laughed as he scooped me in his arms and made his way into the kitchen. I was temporarily distracted looking out the massive windows as the sky began to turn gorgeous shades of purple and orange with the sun setting.

“I don’t think I will ever tire of this view.” He followed my gaze and smiled as well.

“I look forward to every sunrise and sunset we’ll share for the rest of our lives.” I gently directed his face to meet mine in a brief kiss, sighing at the feel of being completely surrounded by everything that is Azriel. I pulled away with a smile.

“Time to get cooking, yes?” Like a switch flipping, his gaze turned dark all over again and I laughed. He set me down before he took a seat in one of the stools at the breakfast bar. I took a moment to appreciate this gorgeous, spacious kitchen that is mine for the rest of my days, before diving into tonight’s dinner.

I wanted to make something special for tonight, but something that wouldn’t take hours on end, which would only exhaust me when all was said and done. Wanting to outshine my sisters’ meager soup and crackers, I decided on salmon with asparagus and roasted rosemary potatoes. Wanting the final decision to be kept a secret for as long as possible, I trusted the twins to take care of including everything I’d need for tonight when they stocked the kitchen for us earlier today.

Dicing up the potatoes, I glanced up at Azriel. He had been watching me like a hawk as I moved around the kitchen, already feeling like I’ve spent my life up until this point working in it. “Can I get you anything to drink while I work on dinner?” I watched his throat bob as he swallowed, eyes unblinking as he continued to watch me.

“I’ll get myself some water for now.” I raised an eyebrow, glancing at the fully stocked wine rack. Following my gaze, he shook his head. “I don’t want anything to even minutely dull a single sense tonight.” My eyes widened as I began to feel my heart beat significantly faster than it was before, and I turned my gaze back to what I was doing. I highly doubt accidentally cutting a finger off due to distraction would set the right tone for accepting a bond…

With potatoes diced, I seasoned them and the asparagus, placing them in the oven before pulling the salmon filets from the ice box in order to prepare them. Sharp utensils far out of reach, I risked a glance at Az. “What do you think of the house?”

“I think it’s perfect. Even more so now that we’re both here.”

“Did you spend a lot of time here while it was being built?” Az smiled, looking down into his water glass.

“I suppose you could say that. Someone needed to get up into the high ceilings, after all, to paint and install the support beams.” I gaped at him.

“Wait, you actually helped with construction?” Az shrugged, trying to act as if it wasn’t a big deal, but the blush across his cheeks said otherwise. “How much time did you spend here?”

“Every day.” He looked up at me from beneath his eyelashes, and I felt the air leave my lungs. This strong, beautiful male sitting in front of me is so incredibly perfect. “Because of work, some days were simply just passing through to see how everyone was doing. But I otherwise spent the majority of my time here, making sure everything was perfect, not a plank of wood or stone out of place.”

I bit my lip as I turned to place the salmon in the oven along with the vegetables, tapping my fingers on the counter. “Cook faster, cook faster…” I continued muttering under my breath. I heard him laugh, but paid him no mind. I need this bond to be accepted pronto because the confessions from this male are doing things to me, and I don’t think I can wait if he keeps it up.

Opening the oven door, I found the potatoes and asparagus were ready, but that the salmon needed a couple of more minutes. Taking the two dishes out, I took the time to plate them while waiting for the salmon to finish. Once everything was ready, I took a deep breath and turned to Azriel. He was back to watching me like a hawk as I approached him, setting the plate down in front of him. “I hope you enjoy.”

He continued watching, waiting as I took the first bite of a potato before diving straight into the salmon. Neither of us broke eye contact as we continued eating in silence. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was anticipation for what follows the meal, or if this was the bond settling in place. Either way, it was an almost pleasant pressure in my chest, nearly making me lightheaded. He was eating much quicker than me, and I felt myself become a little bit more breathless the closer he got to clearing his plate.

The moment he swallowed his last bite, I dropped my fork and moved around the counter. He remained seated, but pushed his stool back. I think he anticipated that I would step between his legs, but not wanting any more distance between us, I straddled him, weaving my fingers through the ends of his hair behind his neck. He shuddered at the sensation, eyes closing slightly before shooting back open when I tugged the hair gently.

“I’ve cooked you a meal, I served it to you, and you ate every crumb. What’s next in accepting this bond of ours?” His hands gripped my waist, tugging me against a hardness growing in his pants. I bit back a groan at the thought and he grinned.

“Now? I take you on every surface of this house.” I gasped before his lips crashed against my own. Feeling a frenzy take over, I tightened my grip in his hair in order to pull myself even closer to him. He groaned as I ground against him, feeling like I already lost complete control over my actions and senses. I felt his shadows slide along my body before the weightlessness of winnowing startled me.

When I opened my eyes, we were in our new bedroom. I was still straddling him as he sat on the edge of a ginormous bed. I felt his hands tighten, and I pulled back. “Wait.” He tensed, even holding his own breath, as if I wanted to put a stop to everything. In an attempt to calm him down, I traced my hand along his cheek. “It’s my turn to offer a gift to you.” His brows furrowed in confusion.

“Y/N, you’ve already given me the greatest gift – “ I raised a hand to stop him. My other hand pulled a scrap of black lace from my pocket, and I tied it around my neck. The hazel in his eyes was completely gone as he watched me. Once it was secure, I raised both hands above my head.

“Would you like to unwrap your present?” I internally cringed, wishing I thought of something more clever, but clearly the action meant more than the words if his grin was anything go by. He quickly removed my sweater, showcasing the majority of the black and cobalt lacy teddy lingerie I wore beneath my clothes, the black lace matching that of the choker I just tied on while the cobalt matched his siphons. He growled from deep within his chest, flipping me onto the bed so he could quickly remove my pants.

Standing at the edge of the bed, he silently looked me over, noting every dip and curve of my body. Before I could begin to feel self-conscious given how long he stared at me, shadows began trailing up my body, starting at my ankles and moving upwards. I shivered at the sensation before realizing some of the shadows remained at my ankles, and the rest moved up to my wrists. Spreading my legs and pinning my hands above my head, I began panting as I watched him slowly sink to his knees. Ever so gently, his fingers traced shapes along my thighs, causing my muscles to tense at the feeling. He began kissing a trail from the inside of my knee upwards and I gasped at the feeling of him sinking his teeth into my upper thigh.

“So beautiful. So unbelievably beautiful.” He recreated the path he took on one leg on the other, ending by sinking his teeth into my other thigh and I moaned. With his mouth still attached to my leg, I felt him smirk. “Did you like that, bunny?” His teeth grazed my skin, causing a smaller moan to escape. “Do you like knowing that I’m marking you, making it clear to every other male in existence that you are mine and mine alone?” I closed my eyes at his words, my panting growing. The shadows tightened their grip on me, causing me to look down at him between my thighs. He had an eyebrow raised. “I asked you a question, bunny.” I moaned at his tone, getting the sense that I won’t survive a night with him, but finding I didn’t really care.

“I love knowing that when the world looks at me, all they’ll see is proof that I belong to you.” When did my voice get so breathy? He groaned at my response, placing gentle kisses around the marks he’s left.

“Will you be a good girl and let me finish opening the rest of my present?” His nose gently grazed where I needed him most, and I clenched around nothing.

“Please,” I gasped as his nose continuously brushed over my clit. “Please unwrap the rest of your gift. It’s just for you, only you.” His hands moved from my thighs to my waist, gently grazing over the lace. I bit my lip as his hands continued to wander.

“Eyes on me, sweetheart.” As I met his gaze, his hands made quick work of tearing the fabric apart. I arched my back against the sensation, and he groaned at my newly unveiled skin. He quickly put his mouth on my hips, alternating between kisses and nibbles as he removed the remaining fabric from my body. “So. Fucking. Beautiful,” he murmured between kisses. He moved from one hip bone to the other, lips gently trailing against my lower stomach at the movement, and I tensed as his chin grazed the top of my mound in the process.

I began squirming under his teasing mouth. I pushed against the restraining shadows, wanting nothing more than to guide his head where I so desperately need him. “Please, Az. I promise you can tease me another time, I swear it, but I need you – “ I was cutoff by a gasp as his tongue swiped up along my slit, circling my clit ever so gently. “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” I raised my hips as high as they could go out of instinct, and his hands pushed them back down and kept a hold on them to pin me further into place.

“Such good manners, bunny. And you best believe I’m going to take you up on that promise later.” Before I could respond, he pressed forward to continue licking up my folds, groaning at the taste. All teasing was gone as he licked, sucked, and flicked around my cunt like I was the offered meal and not his earlier dinner. I felt myself beginning to clench and as if he felt it as well, he pushed one finger inside me, and I let out a low string of moans at the sensation. I continued to try to buck my hips against him, wanting him to somehow be even closer to me. He added a second finger, stretching me more than my own fingers ever could and I cried out. With each pulse of his finger and each flick of his tongue, I felt myself coming closer and closer to a release, and I just knew it would be one to break me.

“Az, please, I’m so close,” I whispered. He let the shadows around my wrists go, and my hands immediately found purchase in his hair. I pulled onto his hair and his groans caused enough vibrations to finally push me over the edge. My legs tried to close around his head, and I instead used my hands to hold him against me as I screamed out his name. I felt like I could float away, but his small kitten licks to my clit jolted me back into the moment. I tried to push him away, but only managed to redirect him back to my thighs, where he continued to kiss and nibble the skin while I continued to come back down to earth.

I glanced down to see he was watching me, cheeks flushed as he spread some of my wetness across my thighs with his kisses. “You are absolutely divine, Y/N. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of? You shattered them by being infinitely better. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of you.” Remembering how he seems to like it when I pull his hair, I tugged it slightly and smirked when a groan escaped his lips.

“Good thing I’m here for the taking, Shadowsinger.” I watched his eyes flare, and the shadows quickly came back to pin my arms back to where they were before. He stood and stepped back, looking over me with a glint in his eye. With a nod of his head, a small shadow broke away from the large one holding an arm in place, and moved to rubbing ghostly circles over my clit. I gasped, arching my back in surprise, and trying to keep my eyes open on my devilish mate.

“Cauldron, you’re so perfect. Knowing to keep your eyes open without me needing to ask again. Such a good bunny.” I moaned at his words paired with the shadow toying with me. Almost as if in reward, he began stripping himself of his own clothes, quickly removing his shirt and undoing the laces on his trousers. He had been in casual clothes today, no need for Illyrian leathers, so the removal of his clothes was swift.

My gaze darkened as I looked over his strong frame, feeling an intense urge to kiss every scar that littered his body, but feeling an ever stronger urge to wrap my lips around his lengthy cock. As if reading my thoughts, I watched him twitch and I groaned at the thought of it laying heavy on my tongue. I licked my lips, bringing my gaze back to his face. He walked towards me slowly, almost as if a predator. “Never stop looking at me like that, bunny.”

“Like what?” He pressed a knee on the bed beside me.

“Like you want to completely devour me.” He moved me higher up on the bed so that my legs weren’t dangling over the side of it, and the shadows locked my limbs back in place. I whimpered as his fingers traced the upper part of my body, every part of me he has yet to explore. While he briefly teased the sides of my torso, his hands quickly moved to my breasts, where he flicked, pinched and soothed my nipples. I cried out in pleasure, only being quieted when his own mouth slotted over mine. I tasted myself on his lips, and my hips jerked in response.

As his tongue explored my mouth, he placed a knee between my legs, and I immediately began rutting against him. He chuckled, though that turned into a groan when I bit his lower lip. He moved his lips along my jaw and neck, biting and marking every bit of available skin as if he were trying to brand me with his own version of a choker necklace. He flexed his thigh against my rutting and I cried out his name.

“Please, Az. I need you.” He looked into my eyes before releasing all of the shadows holding me down. I immediately wrapped my legs around his waist, trying to bring him closer to me while I let my fingers trace the muscles of his arms that were holding him above me. “I need my mate inside of me.” He kissed me again, almost frenzied, as he moved my legs up to push them between our chests. I shivered as I felt him line himself up with my entrance, and we both groaned at the feeling of him slowly sinking into me.

Each time I tightened around him, he groaned into my neck, tightening his hold along my thighs. I was certain I’d have Azriel-shaped handprints there in the morning, and I clenched at the thought. “Y/N, you’re killing me here. Cauldron, you’re so tight, you’re so perfect. Let me fill you up, yeah? Please?” I moved my hands to his hips and pulled him the rest of the way in. He bit into the junction of my neck and shoulder as he adjusted and I continued clenching around him at the sensation of him finally being inside me.

“So full. Gods, you make me so full Az.” He pulled back from my neck to look at me. He kept one hand braced by my head, but his other pulled back to trace the patterns of the lace of the necklace.

“You’ll let me know if anything is too much, right?” I nodded, not fully processing what he was saying as his hips began making small circular movements while he was still fully seated inside me. “That’s my good girl.” Next thing I know, his hand circles around my throat, gently tightening around it. He didn’t completely cutoff my airway, but it was just tight enough to prove he’s in control of how much air I get and when. He began thrusting his hips in time with tightening his hand, and almost immediately, my eyes rolled to the back of my head at the sensation.

I moved my hands to his back, nails scratching at the skin just beneath his wings while he rocked into me. His grip at my neck tightened slightly when I brushed the base of his wings, but loosened his grip completely as I continued to stroke the sensitive joint. He groaned as he dropped his head into the crook of my neck, slamming harder into me with each pass of my finger along his wings. “Fuck, don’t stop doing that.” Almost as if he wants me to understand what he’s feeling, he moved the hand that was around my neck to my clit, mimicking my same movements along his wings. I cried out and arched my back, tightening around him as his actions immediately brought on another climax. “Yes, Y/N, fuck you’re taking me so well, such a good girl,” he continued to mutter into my ear, and his words only encouraged my orgasm to either extend into one long one, or caused me to dive straight into another.

Tears started to form at the intensity of everything I was feeling, and as he reached his own climax, I truly felt the bond in my chest. Open to everything we were feeling, I felt his pleasure, gratitude, love, and so much more for me as he groaned, indicating he was feeling what I was in the moment.

Not wanting to collapse on top of me, I felt him bring his wings in before rolling us so that I laid on top of him. I rested my head on his chest, hearing and feeling his beating heart, as we each took a moment to catch our breath. He was still inside me, and the feeling made me twitch a little, causing him to groan and tighten his grip on my hips, almost as if in warning. I giggled at his reaction, choosing to gently kiss every bit of his chest I could reach while lying here. His arms wrapped around my waist completely like a hug, and I lifted my head so I could look at him. Resting my chin on my stacked hands, I smiled at him.

“Hi.” He smiled back, his skin still flushed and eyes half-lidded. If I had Feyre’s ability to paint, I would paint this moment in a heartbeat, never wanting to forget the look of utter happiness and calm on his features.

“Hello there.” I moved one of my hands to trace his face, and he turned his head slightly to kiss my palm. That small little action had my heart beating all over again, and if sensing it, he sent me a wolfish grin. I laughed fully at him, and he joined in with a chuckle. I leaned forward to softly claim his lips with my own, smiles still in place for both of us.

“You’re incredible.”

“I love you.”

We spoke at the same time, but he pulled back, eyes wide as he looked over me. I kept my small smile in place, knowing he’s trying to look for any semblance of doubt or uncertainty. I felt an odd tugging sensation in my chest, and realized it was coming from him, as if he were sorting through what I was feeling, so I pushed every bit of love and adoration I felt for him down the bond and I swear the male stopped breathing.

“Say it again.”

“I love you.”

“Again.” My smile brightened, matching his own.

“I love you, Azriel.” His hands grabbed my face in order to pull me into a breathtaking kiss, where we continued to smile brightly, essentially making the kiss incredibly messy and almost certainly incredibly difficult.

“I love you. So much, Y/N. You’re my everything, my equal, my mate. My beautiful, wonderful mate who I will love and devote my entire being to for all of eternity.” To hide the fact that the bastard started to make me cry, I leaned forward to capture his lips in another kiss. Feeling his love paired with my own through the bond was almost overwhelming, until I began to feel a trickle of his lust feed down the bond. In response, I squeezed his still-hard cock that was still inside me, and he groaned. He planted his feet into the mattress, and I sat up to look over the most gorgeous male that I still cannot believe is mine for all time.

Once I was seated, he gave a quick thrust up into me. I placed my hands onto his shoulders for balance as he looked up to me with a wicked gleam in his eyes. “Oh, bunny. I hope you’re ready for a long night.”

I began to move hips over him in small figure eight motions and he jerked up. “I believe I was promised to be fucked on every surface of this house, no?” He sat up as well, wings flaring out and I grinned at the sight.

“What my mate wants…” he trailed off so that he could continue nibbling along the marks he’s already made on my neck.

“My mate gets,” I finished for him. I laughed as I felt him winnow us somewhere else in the house, not even knowing where we’d end up, but finding that so long as I had him, I didn’t care.

#azriel x reader #azriel smut #acotar #acotar smut #bri's writing #a better life #bonus scene

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sarcasmsweetie · 2 years

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A Better Life, Part 4

After a week’s worth of editing constantly, only to go back to the original draft and tweak a couple of things... Sigh. But we’re here reuniting with the family and IC!!

Pairing: Azriel x Older Archeron Sister

Word count: 9.8k

Part 3 | Masterlist | Part 5

Taglist: @lunalilyf @londoneyes-glasgowbones @eerievixen @hollyismentallyillhelp @parker-natasha @tbmaybank @poison-iv3 @morks-watermelon @a-little-disguised @officialmarvelwhore @vera0124 @xxoverthinkerxx @prongsraven @moontawnx

Feyre almost didn’t make it.

Nesta saved your sister.

I hope you can come meet your nephew soon.

Feyre hopes to see you.

Flashes of Rhys’ letter announcing the birth of his and Feyre’s son flashed through my mind as I frantically finished packing my bag. Various gifts I collected for the Winter Solstice and never sent. Some favored baked goods. The baby blanket I’ve knitted for my new little nephew. Everything was haphazardly packed once I confirmed with my boss that I could take a couple of days off to visit the Night Court. Cordelia was more than willing to allow me to take a few extra days than I had asked for, but Callum gruffly reminded me they’ll need me soon to prepare for the large event we were hired to cater.

I dropped Fenrir off at the royal stables, confirmed I had everything I intended to bring, then finally winnowed outside the property of Rhys and Feyre’s river home (courtesy of Rhys’ instructions within the letter he sent last night). I walked quickly up the path to the door, simultaneously grateful to Rhys for the protective wards he puts around his home, but also cursing him for having the winnowing site be so far from the house.

Knocking on the door, I reigned in any remaining panic I felt after reading the letter outlining that Feyre went into labor early and barely survived it. I pretended I wasn’t terrified at who might be in the house right now, and who I will most likely run into during my brief visit. My only focus right now is seeing for myself that my baby sister is alive and well, and that her son is as perfect as Rhys claims he is.

After a moment, the door swung open and I released the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. Cassian looked at me with surprise before smiling. “I had hoped you were coming.” I smiled back.

“Like I would miss this.” Cassian opened the door further, allowing me to walk in. I glanced around the entryway, smiling slightly at the decorations that were so obviously Feyre, it warmed my heart.

“It’s really good to see you, Y/N. You look good. Real good, actually.” He scratched the back of his neck, starting to look nervous. “I’m sorry, Y/N . For everything.” I started to wave him off, but he cut me off. “You may not want to hear it, but I need to say it. We all swore to protect you, and we have failed in every possible way.” He dropped to his knee with a bowed head, and I stepped back in surprise. “I understand if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive us and the pain we have caused. But I swear to you right here, right now, that I will spend the rest of my days trying to make up for where we lacked, where we caused you the most pain.” His head remained bowed, and I remained silent as I processed what he said, what he was promising.

After a moment, I lowered myself to my knees, and gently grabbed his face so he could meet my eyes. “What’s done is done, Cass. I appreciate what you are saying and where you are coming from, but yours is not the apology I have been waiting for.” I smiled sadly and moved to grab his hands, pulling him to stand with me. “Now. I hope we can have an opportunity while I’m here to talk more, but I’d really like to see my sister right now.”

He tucked my hand into the crook of his elbow. “Their room is down this way. She’ll be thrilled to see you. All she’s been able to talk about is your latest letter, when she’ll be cleared to visit you again… I will warn you to be prepared for Mor to pounce. She and Viviane are close, and she feels incredibly left out that she has yet to be invited to one of your infamous weekly dates.”

“Infamous, you say?” I raised an eyebrow and he smiled.

“You know how she likes to exaggerate everything to make her point. Just smile, nod, apologize that you’ve waited this long but you wanted to take some time to get to know your new friend, and that you’d be thrilled if she could join you on your next date. All will be well after that.”

I chuckled, imagining the conversation with Mor going exactly the way that Cassian described. “Where is Mor, anyways? Everyone in the room with Feyre?”

“They all stepped out to grab various supplies. With the little guy arriving a bit earlier than planned, there were some things missing. They left about an hour ago, so I would imagine they’ll be back soon.” I nodded, but was distracted by the soft voices I could hear at the end of the hall. Cassian smiled at me and knocked. “Sorry for the interruption, but I found someone lurking around the property.” I smacked his arm as I walked past and he laughed.

Walking through the door, I saw Feyre on her bed, holding a little bundle of blankets with Rhys sitting beside her. Her eyes brightened as she and Rhys smiled at me. “ Y/N!” I smiled at Feyre, greeting Rhys as he stood and moved to hug me.

“Thank you for the letter, Rhys. I came as soon as I could.”

“Thank you for coming. I know it means the world to her.” I pulled back and smiled at him.

“How have you been feeling, dad? Sunk in yet that you’ve got a little one of your own?” His answering smile was so bright I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll check in again in about a week, see if you’re still smiling like this when you no longer sleep through the night.” He pinched my arm, narrowing his eyes.

I turned to Feyre, fighting the tears wanting to break free at seeing my little sister, who fought so hard to be where she’s at, be safe and health with her son. “I am so proud of you, mama.” I kissed her forehead, moving some hair behind her ears before sitting on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling? Rhys shared some of what happened, and I am so sorry I wasn’t here – “

“I’m fine now, Y/N . We’re all fine. Nesta made sure of that.” I wiped away a tear that escaped, reinforcing my mental note to cook Nesta’s favorite meal tonight for dinner. “Do you want to meet your nephew?” I glanced down at the bundle in her arms, catching sight of the dark hair that matched his father’s. Feyre started to extend her arms, and I immediately adjusted so that she could safely transfer her son to me. “They’re tucked in the blanket, but be careful of his wings when you hold him.” Once he was settled in my arms, I did note the slight bump on his back that must be the wings in question, so I adjusted again ever so slightly to make sure they weren’t pinned funny while holding him. “Auntie Y/N, meet Nyx. Nyx, this is your Auntie Y/N. She came a long way to meet you, so I hope you behave for her.”

Almost as if in response, his big blue eyes opened and looked up at me. More tears started to fall as I immediately recognized the Archeron eyes staring back at me. “Hello, sweet boy. It is such a pleasure to meet you.” He began to wiggle and fuss, so I stood so I could sway him back into his nap. I hummed a bit under my breath, falling back on the old routines I had when trying to get one of my sisters to go back to sleep.

Moving to the window, I continued to sway with him. “You know, little one. There was a song I always sang to your mummy whenever she couldn’t sleep, whenever she was upset or fussy. I bet you would enjoy it just as much, yeah?” I heard Feyre gasp, and I turned to look at her with a soft smile. Rhys was sitting next to her and holding her hand as they both watched me as I tried to put their son back to sleep. “I think I know why it was her favorite song back then, seeing where she is today. Maybe this will be your favorite, too, my sweet little Night Prince.”

Come in close, now it’s time to tell a story Long ago and so many years before we Ever were, ever dreamed we even could be There was her and her very first heartbeat

All alone in the corner of the night sky Spiral bones of a supernova starlight Fell in love with another burning bright she Dreamed of a way to ignite she said,

Tonight Come on, come on collide Break me to pieces, I I think you’re just like heaven why

Come on, come on collide Let’s see what a fire feels like I bet it’s just like heaven

I noticed Cassian move out of the doorway, making way for everyone who had been absent to file into the room. Nesta stood in front of Cassian, eyes bright as she watched me sway with Nyx, just as she always watched me as I tried to get our sisters to settle down and rest. Mor moved into the room to sit on the other side of Feyre, sending me a small smile in greeting as she settled in. I tore my gaze away from the door as Elain and Azriel walked in, turning my focus back onto Nyx and pretending I didn’t care that they walked in together and continued to stand with one another.

Such a shame nowhere near, even the near mist light years away From the hope of being sun-kissed anchored home in her interstellar sea but, poor lonely Cassiopeia So she sighs and she burns with desperation Learns to cry over love of constellations Then the spark from a star shooting too close They both smiled what a day to explode, she said

Tonight Come on, come on collide Break me to pieces, I I think you’re just like heaven why

Come on, come on collide Let’s see what a fire feels like I bet it’s just like heaven

Just like heaven Just like heaven

Long ago in a sky built before us A supernova grew up to be stardust

I saw Nesta quickly close her hands over Cassian’s. “He’s back asleep and you want to startle him awake with your applause?” she hissed quietly. He looked sheepish, but shot me a wink.

“If this was Feyre’s favorite, any chance you can share with us what got this little fireball to calm down? Maybe it still works today, yeah?” Nesta elbowed him in the ribs, but I could see the smile she tried to hold back.

“All three had different favorites?” I looked to Mor and smiled.

“Oh, yes. All as different as could be. I could give you every detail about what each of my sisters liked, disliked, dreamed of, list out every tell they had when they’d lie, anything about them.” I glanced at Elain, who looked like she couldn’t even stand the sight of me, before moving back to Cassian. “But we’ll hold that concert off for another time. We’re not here to listen to me singing this sweet prince back to sleep, after all.” I looked down to him with a soft smile. He was beginning to fuss a bit, and I furrowed my brows. I don’t think it was the conversation waking him back up, so I brought a finger up to his mouth, and he blindly tried to latch onto it.

“The curse of being the youngest is that I never once heard Nesta’s song.” I glanced at Feyre with a small smile.

“The curse will sadly have to continue. Nyx is hungry.” His fussing started to worsen, so I walked over to Feyre.

“You’ll have to teach me all the songs you know while you’re here so that I have a library to work with when he gets fussy.” I chuckled along with Rhys.

“I’m sure anything will work, no matter the lyrics. I remember sometimes I’d just sing whatever thoughts came to mind when any of you woke up in the middle of the night.” I heard Mor laugh as she helped Feyre with the cover so she could feed Nyx comfortably with all of us still in the room.

“What was your song, Y/N?” I cleared my throat, trying to keep myself from fidgeting with the hem of my sweater, but my fingers still twitched.

“As far as I know, I didn’t have one. Mother wasn’t the most maternal of people. It’s why I raised us – she didn’t know how to.” It was silent for a moment, so I turned to my bag to try and break up the awkwardness.

“But have no fear, little dove, because I did not come here empty handed.” I pulled out a box and passed it to Rhys so he could open it for her. Feyre’s eyes lit up when she saw what was inside.

“Peach crumble bars? Oh, Y/N, thank you. Rhys can you pass one to me?” Rhys handed one to his mate, and we all watched Feyre take a bite while closing her eyes with a content sigh. “No one makes them like you. Y/N would always get as many peaches as she could while they were in season, then preserved them so she could make these for my birthday. Thank you. Truly.”

I tried to fight the blush crawling up my neck at the praise, but clearly failed. “I have a second box for you in the bag, but I was also hoping you’d let me commandeer your kitchen while I’m here so I can make a bunch of easy finger foods for you. Nyx will be stealing more calories from you than you can try and pack back in, so it’s incredibly important you eat at every possible opportunity. I did this for mother as well, and it was always easier when she was feeding you if she had something small and easy to eat at her side.”

“How long are you able to stay?” I smiled sadly at Feyre, turning back to my bag to get the second box of bars for her to try and lighten the blow.

“Two nights at most, if you can have me both nights.” Feyre looked like she was about to argue, so I quickly hurried on. “I have to get back to work. My bakery was hired to cater a mating ceremony this coming weekend, and the guest list is upwards of 300.” Out of instinct, I glanced at Azriel after mentioning something related to mates, but quickly looked away when I saw the cold look on his face. “My boss wanted me back by tomorrow morning, but his mate convinced him I can stay an extra day. Plus, I can’t leave Fenrir for too long. Viviane was kind enough to let him stay at her stables while I’m gone, but I don’t want to inconvenience them too much.” Mor narrowed her eyes.

“You and Viv have grown quite close, hmm?” I glanced at Cassian and we both bit back our smiles.

“I’m incredibly grateful for everything she’s done to help me settle into my new life. I was actually thinking that it would be lovely if you could come to one of our breakfasts. I had to cancel this coming meal because of the mating ceremony we’re catering, but if you’re free next week, it would be an honor to have you with us.” Mor released the fake glare she had in place as she let a smile take over her features.

“I thought you’d never ask. I’ll let Viv know right away to expect me. And maybe I can extend the stay for a day or two we can spend some time together?”

“I would love nothing more. I have a spare room in my cottage that has your name written all over it.” We smiled at each other, and I mentally started cataloging everything I’d need to do to prepare for guests when Elain spoke up for the first time.

“So you’re really not here to stay? Just going to leave us all over again?”

“Elain,” Feyre hissed with a glare, but I shook my head.

“You know as well as I do, Elain, this isn’t my home. I’m sorry if my departure hurt you, but when I left, you seemed to be doing just fine without me.” I took a deep breath before turning back to the bag of goodies I’ve brough with me. “Before I forget, Feyre, Lucien asked me to pass this along to you for Nyx.” Feyre smiled and before she could say anything, Elain stormed up to the bed.

“Lucien? You speak with Lucien? You think that I stole your mate, so you try and steal mine?” I raised my eyebrow at my sister, rising back to my full height after passing the stuffed fox to Feyre. I was the tallest of the four of us, standing about five inches taller than Elain and I glared down at her.

“Yes, I speak with Lucien. We’re pen pals, actually. I reached out to him asking how he’s doing and if he has any tricks to make the hollowness of your mate not choosing you go away. We’re quite good friends now, and even formed the ‘Rejected by Our Mated Like Fucking Morons’ club. We meet monthly for dinks and a good cry. It’s quite therapeutic, actually. And considering I know for a fact you have yet to make any sort of contact with him, I find it funny you try and claim him as your mate in front of me.” Elain flinched, but I didn’t care. Grabbing the final pastry box from my bag, I shoved it into her hands. “I made your favorite apple pie. Enjoy.”

I turned back to Feyre, feeling a little ashamed as I remembered where we were. “I’m sorry, Feyre. This is no place for that kind of talk. If you can direct me to a place I can set my things down, I can get cleaned up and start on making those goodies for you like I promised.”

Mor stood from the bed and raised a hand out for me to take. “I’ll show you to one of the spare rooms you can use.” I nodded, moving to reach for her and following along. Azriel was close to the door, and I made sure I avoided both physical and eye contact as I walked past him into the hall. “There are a few different guest rooms, but we have all admittedly taken them over so we can all be nearby in case Rhys or Feyre need anything. There’s one left, and if I’m right, I believe Feyre decorated it for you specifically. It also just so happens to be the furthest from Elain’s and Azriel’s rooms, if that’s any consolation for you while you’re here.”

“Thank you, Mor. Any room would have been just fine since I’m not here for very long, anyways.”

“I do wish you could stay longer, but I get it. And I promise you when I visit next week, we will have tons of fun catching up and getting wasted on wine.” I laughed, shaking my head as we entered the room that was supposedly made for me.

“Best be prepared for Winter Vodka instead. Your cousin and I bonded over it when he and Feyre first visited me. Sad that Feyre couldn’t join the fun as she was pregnant, but we’ll get her on the next visit.” More shuddered in response.

“I forgot about their love of vodka. Reminds me that I will pack plenty of wine for us instead. We can have some vodka, but I can’t make a whole night of it.” I chuckled at the dramatics, thinking back to what Cassian mentioned about her love of exaggerating things. “Well, I’ll let you get settled in here. My room is right across the hall, so don’t be a stranger if you need anything!” I smiled in thanks and watched her close the door behind her.

With a sigh, I looked around the room and smiled. Soft purples, blues, and creams covered the space. Dark hardwood floors were covered by an incredibly soft rug, and the blankets and pillows on the large bed matched the curtains that were open to showcase the gorgeous view of the Sidra. The furniture in the room matched the flooring, and I softly caressed the art hanging on the walls, clearly Feyre’s own work. The paintings all held the same blues and purples of the bedding and curtains, feeling like Feyre tried to mirror the tones of the Winter Court for me. I laughed out loud at the painting over the desk: a portrait of me petting Fenrir, which just confirmed Feyre’s designs purposefully matching home.

I set my bag on the bed, putting aside the small packages of scarves and mittens I knitted as a Solstice gift for everyone, and hung up the few clothes I brought with me in the armoire. I also took out the blanket for Nyx. It was almost completed – just waiting for me to stitch his name into the material. I planned on finishing it once I retired for the evening so that I could pass it along to him in the morning. Having everything unpacked, I freshened up in the washroom before making my way to the kitchen to focus on the main task I’ve set for myself while here.

Nuala and Cerridwen were in the kitchen and were more than happy to show me where everything lived within the cabinets. Once I was comfortable with knowing what was in stock, I asked the twins if they would be able to run to the market to pick up a few ingredients I needed both for tonight’s dinner, as well as everything I planned to make for Feyre. They nodded without question and vanished into the shadows.

I was able to start preparing the first part of tonight’s meal, so I pulled out some flour and other ingredients so that I could start making a pastry dough. As I kneaded everything together, I felt someone else was in the room with me. Looking up, I saw Nesta and smiled.

“I hope beef wellington is still your favorite. I know you’re not a fan of sweets, so I’m sorry for not having anything pre-made for you like I did the others. But hopefully I can make it up to you with your favorite meal to celebrate your fancy new title, Ms. Valkyrie.” I kept my smile up as she entered the room, sitting on a stool at the counter across from me.

“Are you sure it’s not also to honor what I did for Feyre? That’s all everyone seems to want to celebrate.” I dropped my smile, but kept my eyes on her.

“I’m not everyone else, am I? I know that was you did was as traumatizing for you as it was Feyre and Rhys, and that you still haven’t fully processed it yet. So why would I push those reminders on you when you yourself are not ready to talk about it?”

She remained quiet, so I continued to work the pastry to give her time to get her thoughts in order. “Yes, beef wellington is still my favorite. Elain tried making it soon after you left, but quite honestly, it was disgusting. Soggiest thing I’ve ever eaten.” I snorted at Nesta’s ‘high and mighty’ tone.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. But I’m more than happy to make this for you tonight.” She watched me as I worked, and I know she came into the kitchen to talk to me about something, but I could wait until she was ready. That’s the thing about Nesta: trying to push her into doing something, even if it was something she already started, results in her backing off and never touching it again. So that’s how we sat for a while: Nesta sorting through her thoughts while I worked through preparations for tonight.

“Cassian asked me to speak to you about the Shadowsinger.” I briefly paused my work, but kept my eyes down.

“And what did he ask you to talk about?” I watched her shrug as she picked her nails.

“He wants me to ask you to give him a chance. To at least talk to him. But I told him to fuck right off with that because why should I ask you to talk to Azriel when everyone was more than okay with Elain treating Lucien like actual trash? Yes, I acknowledge I was in favor of it in the beginning, but I admit he’s been nothing but respectful of Elain’s wished and I respect him for that. Especially now that I know what the bond feels like. So I told Cassian the only way I would force you to talk to Azriel is if everyone else will force Elain to talk to Lucien.” She was quiet, so I looked up.

“I’m guessing he shut up real fast about this request, then.” She nodded, moving her gaze from her nails to me. “Thank you. For being on my side.” We stayed quiet, each thinking about what to say next. During this time, the twins had arrived from the market with everything I asked for. Sensing the slight tension in the air, they sat everything on the counter before quickly making their departure.

I sorted through everything the twins brought, separating out what I needed tonight from what I would be using tomorrow, and I thought about what it was like growing up with my sisters. Nesta and I have never been open with one another, or anyone else for that matter, so I’m wondering if this is her way to extend the olive branch, give me the opportunity to talk to her like a sister. Taking a deep breath, I took the dive.

“I am happy for you and Feyre, you know. Finding someone who would go to the ends of the world for you. Someone who picks you over everything else, every time. Everyone deserves to be cared for like that. I hoped maybe to find that here, but your mate’s brother made it clear he would never pick me. And I am trying to live with that. But it’s almost impossible. Especially knowing he knew better than any of us that no one gets a second mate, yet he chose to believe the lie that Elain was his instead of me.” I turned back to the stovetop, moving forward with dinner, but continued talking in hopes it would be easier to talk to her without risking looking at her.

“When I first got to the Winter Court, Viv and Kallias were there at the border to greet me. They took me to their home and we had tea. They were asking pretty normal questions, trying to get to know me. But it was made clear I had nothing for myself. Viv asked me what I enjoyed doing, and every answer I came up with involved you three. ‘Oh, I would check in with the local bookstores to see if there was anything new Nesta could enjoy. I sharpened Feyre’s weapons when she wasn’t using them for more successful hunts. I looked for seeds for Elain’s garden.’ Not a single answer was about what I enjoyed doing, which made it clear that my sisters were my only personality trait. For 25 years, my whole life revolved around raising and caring for you that I was never allowed to figure out who I was. And it got me thinking: why would anyone choose someone like that?”

“ Y/N…”

“No, Nes. Tell me. Would you have accepted Cassian if he wasn’t so sure of who he is as a person? If he wasn’t so confident in every aspect that makes him so uniquely Cass? So why would I expect anyone to choose me, when I was so broken beyond repair and didn’t even know myself? Does recognizing that make the agonizing pit in my chest disappear? Absolutely not. I considered talking to Rhys, considering Feyre was with Tamlin when their bond snapped. But it was never quite the same – Feyre had no idea the bond was there. Instead, I chose to start writing to Lucien. He’s the only one who understands exactly what I’m feeling.”

“So you created a club and get wildly drunk once a month.” I chuckled.

“After the first time we met up, Viv and Kallias decided one of them needed to chaperone us whenever the alcohol came out. We got so drunk in the tavern the first night I couldn’t stop sobbing. I wasn’t kidding when I said we meet up to drink and cry. I may have cried more these past months than I have my entire life, but doing it with Lucien in one fell swoop every once in a while makes it easier. I don’t have to carry it with me on a daily basis, trying to hold anything back. We meet up, let it out, and then we can breathe again for a while. Maybe it’s not the best way to cope, but unfortunately we don’t know anyone else who’d been rejected by their mate, so we can’t get additional feedback on how to move on.”

“It’s not fair, Y/N. You deserve happiness just as much as the rest of us, if not more than us.”

“It’s not a competition, Nesta. And it’s not up to us to decide how others act. Everything happened the way it did, and that sucks. But I can’t change it. All I can do is figure things out for myself, one day at a time. So that’s what I’m going to do. Some days are so hard that I can’t even get out of bed. Some days feel easy in that I can smile and laugh at work, but then I come home to an empty house, and it feels like my imagination slaps me in the face with what I could have had but was never given the opportunity to even try.”

“It sounds to me like you only have bad days with a splash of good.” I smiled sadly as I finished up dinner, moving to put everything on serving platters to bring to the dining room.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever have a truly good day. Not for a long time, at least. And as Fae now, all we have is time.” Seeing that everything is ready to be moved, I turned back to Nesta. “We can talk more later if you’d like, but can you tell everyone that dinner is ready? I’ll start moving everything to the dining rom.” Nesta grabbed the bowl with the glazed carrots and platter of asparagus as I brought the whipped potatoes, and she set off to find everyone else once we placed them on the table. By the time I returned with the main dish, everyone was settling into chairs.

Feyre sat at an end of the table with Nyx, and Nesta kept a seat open between the two of them for me. “In honor of our fierce Nesta making the Blood Rite her bitch, I dedicate tonight’s meal to her.” There was a chorus of cheers (mainly from Cassian) supporting the little dedication and I smiled as I placed the platter in the center of the table. “I hope you all enjoy.”

Mor who is seated across from me, reached across the table to fill my glass with wine. “Everything smells delicious, Y/N. Thank you for cooking for us all tonight.”

“It’s nice cooking for a crowd. Though, I hope this is enough for everyone…” I trailed off, looking over everything on the table and starting to doubt if this would be enough to feed the Illyrian general, let alone a whole family. Feyre immediately placed her hand over my own with a smile.

“This is more than enough. Thank you for doing all of this. I’m sure Nesta especially appreciates it.” Nesta was already carving through the beef, placing portions on the plates of those around her, my own included.

“It looks cooked to perfection, though I expected nothing less from you.” I smiled in thanks, wondering if Nesta was making a jab at Elain after hearing about her failed attempt at making this, and began to fill my plate with other side dishes. Plates were passed along as everyone picked up whatever conversations they were having before Nesta summoned them to dinner.

Azriel was sitting next to Mor, which meant he was in my peripheral vision as I passed dishes along. I paused, wondering if him eating this would mean the bond is accepted, and I felt myself panicking a bit. I certainly haven’t forgiven him for what I’ve gone through, and would he even want to accept the bond given his own feelings for Elain?

Before I could spiral further, I felt a familiar talon brush against my mind.

You look as though you’ve stopped breathing. Are you alright? I glanced up at Rhys, noticing the slight furrow between his brows.

If Azriel eats this, does this mean the bond is accepted? I didn’t even think about that when I was cooking – Rhys interrupted me, face relaxing as he began to understand my concerns.

As you’ve made this for everyone, this has nothing to do with the bond. It only matters if you make and deliver something for him and only him. I understand how that can be a little tricky, but you can rest assured that nothing is being decided with the bond because you made a fabulous family dinner. I smiled at him, hoping my gratitude was clear in my expression and he nodded.

Feeling more comfortable knowing that I didn’t make some sort of mistake, I glanced around the table only to catch Azriel’s eye. His face was a neutral mask, but I know the spymaster didn’t miss the fact that Rhys and I were having a private conversation. I stared back, almost as if challenging him to voice his questions out loud. Before we could see who would win this particular battle of wills, Feyre gasped and grabbed my hand yet again.

“It’s almost your birthday!” I looked at her in confusion as we’ve never done anything for my birthday.

“Yes, and I believe you all will be receiving invitations from Viviane soon. The moment she realized it was going to be my 30th, she began planning a party almost immediately. I can’t even imagine what she has in store… Weekly meals are a huge ordeal to her, so I can only imagine what she’ll do with a milestone celebration like this.” Mor started to squeal in excitement at the thought of a party as other chimed in either bits of agreement to Viviane’s wild planning or just general excitement, but that didn’t cover the scoff I heard on the other side of Cassian.

“We all know you’re 28, so I don’t know why you haven’t corrected the Lady of Winter so that she doesn’t feel embarrassed for trying to celebrate a milestone that you haven’t reached yet.” The table was quiet, and I felt myself grow more frustrated than confused.

“You think I’m still 28? Elain. I left Velaris almost a year ago. Surely I would have had a birthday between then and now, making me 29 today.” I leaned forward so that I could look around Nesta and Cassian to look at her directly. “But I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised seeing as you never knew when my birthday was in the first place.” I felt Nesta stiffen beside me, though I fought the urge to grab her hand as if I wanted to comfort her. But just because we started opening up doesn’t mean the years of problems we’ve had are suddenly resolved. She never acknowledged my birthday, either. So instead of grabbing her hand, I moved to eat some of my meal.

“Of course I know when your birthday is, Y/N. Don’t be stupid.” I watched out of the corner of my eye as she angrily stabbed a carrot, but never moved to put it in her mouth.

“So enlighten us, Elain. When is your oldest sister’s birthday?” I glanced between Mor and Amren, immediately getting the sense that they’ve been an enemy of Elain since I left. I appreciated the thought of them being in my corner. I also noticed that Azriel didn’t look like he was going to step in any time soon to defend Elain like he was always so quick to last year. If anything, he looked curious for the answer.

Looking back at Elain, I found her watching Azriel as if she still expected him to help her. That’s when I realized she had no intention of providing an answer. “Just admit you don’t know, Elain. It’s frustrating, but I’ll get over it. Just like I’ve gotten over it for every other birthday.” I watched her grip her fork, and I shook my head.

“What about you, girl? You’ve been awfully quiet.” Amren was watching Nesta, and she cleared her throat.

“Eleven months ago. She’ll turn 30 in a few weeks.” I looked to Nesta but didn’t say anything. I shouldn’t be surprised she knew and didn’t say anything as that is the Nesta trademark, but there was still that sting of disappointment. Amren turned her attention to Feyre.

“And you? Do you know?” Feyre nodded, a sad look in her eye.

“I remember asking Y/N when I was around 9 when her birthday was. I figured she hated her birthday as much as I hated mine, and that’s why we didn’t celebrate it. Since I assumed she never wanted to make a big deal out of it, I would give her a hug on her birthday, a silent wish for another good year. None of us ever asked how she wanted to celebrate...” Amren nodded.

“At least you did something –“

“I remember.” We all looked at Cassian in confusion. “I remember seeing Feyre hug you the night you left. It was after dinner, and I called you both to join us in the living room.” He looked up at me, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cassian look so sad. “None of us knew, or did anything to celebrate. And then you were gone.”

The room was quiet, and I looked back down to my plate. I had barely eaten any of it, and I felt guilty Nesta’s celebration dinner turned to this. No longer having a desire to finish with everyone, I stood with my plate and the intention of finishing my food in my rom. “I think I’m going to head to bed for the evening. Nes, I am really proud of everything you’ve done and accomplished. I’m sorry the conversation ran away from that, but I don’t want you to think otherwise.” I kissed the crown of her head, then Feyre’s cheek, before moving towards the safety of my room.

As I approached the hall, fully ready for the night to be over, I heard Elain call out from somewhere much closer behind me than I thought. “I’m not done speaking to you, Y/N!” I sighed, closing my eyes, but knew something like this would have happened at some point during my visit. I selfishly hoped it would have happened closer to the end of my trip so I could run away and hide, but I suppose the Cauldron has other plans.

“What more could you possibly have to say, Elain?” I turned to look at her. She stood at the other end of the hallway, and I noticed a few heads starting to poke around the dining room entrance to watch. “You’ve made it abundantly clear you know nothing about me, that we all suck at being sisters, and that we’re essentially allergic to communication. What else is there?”

Her brows furrowed, but she didn’t make a move to come any closer to me. “You left.” I stared, not entirely sure how to respond.

“Yes, I did. That’s not entirely news, though, Elain.”

“You left me. You’ve always taken care of me, and you left me. Why would you do that when you know we need you?” I placed my plate on a hall table that sat between a couple of bedroom doors as I got the sense I shouldn’t have any sort of projectile in my hands for this.

“You’re an adult, Elain. I shouldn’t have to keep taking care of you.” I felt my eye twitch, but decided to just let go of everything I’ve bottled up. “And yes. I took care of all three of you because Mother and Father wouldn’t. I had to pick up the slack of their own selfish desires and I became a mother at five years old. Because that’s what I became, Elain. I wasn’t your sister. I was your mother. Do any of you remember calling me mommy instead of Y/N? All three of you did that, and I had to correct you time and time again.” I looked away at Elain and back towards everyone who was no longer hiding in the doorway and stood completely in the open. “I didn’t have a childhood like you three did. I didn’t have the luxury of having someone take care of me like you three did. I was always the one doing everything for everyone and I am just so tired of it all, Elain. I am tired of being forgotten, of being taken advantage of, of not being the person that someone wants. I am tired of simply being the sister who took care of it all. For the first time in my life, I chose me.”

Elain was crying, but I could see the anger warring with sadness in her eyes. “You never said anything to us –“

“We never said anything to each other about anything!” I laughed. “Quite frankly, I think we’re all some of the worst sisters that exist. There’s no genuine interaction, there’s no support. Everything is always so one-sided with all of us, always expecting something in return. How could I possibly open up to any of you knowing that not a single thing would change?”

I watched as Elain’s shoulders drop, but she nodded. “You’re right. We are all selfish. So stay so we can work this out. Learn how to be sisters. Please.” I looked at her big eyes and if she were talking to Y/N from last year, that Y/N would have caved in a heartbeat.

“Sisters can happily exist without living in the same house, in the same city. Velaris isn’t my home, and I love the life I’ve built for myself in Winter. You talk about wanting to build relationships with one another. Then how about instead of asking me to leave the life I chose, you ask me what it’s like in Winter? What do I enjoy doing in my new home? What are my friends like? Can you come visit? That’s how you build relationships, Elain. Asking questions, getting to know the person standing in front of you instead of hoping that living under the same roof again will magically fix any issues you have.” I glanced back at my door behind me. “Hang on.”

I turned and ran into the room, quickly grabbing my Solstice gifts for everyone. Coming back into the hall, I walked towards Elain, and handed her the package with her name on it. “Happy belated Solstice.” I walked past her to everyone else, tossing the appropriate packages to everyone. Now standing between the group and Elain, I looked among everyone. “Once I got settled into my house, I took up knitting. I couldn’t finish these in time for everyone to send them all together at once for Solstice, so figured a later gift is better than nothing. They’re not anything special, but they’re things that I made for each of you.” I watched as everyone opened the packages, finding the scarves and gloves that are paired up. “At the time I made these, I wasn’t all that great yet, so the patterns aren’t intricate. And honestly, all of them are the same except for the colors. So if you want to trade or whatever, no hard feelings.” I turned to Elain. “But that’s how you start to get to know someone, Elain. You talk about their hobbies, their likes and dislikes. You share things with them, you don’t make demands of them. You accept them for who they are and don’t try and change them.” Elain was looking down at the blush pink set in her hands, but I watched her give a small nod.

“What’s your favorite thing to knit?” She looked up at me, almost nervously, as I grabbed my plate from the hall table. I nodded my head towards my door.

“You can join me while I finish up a gift I’ve been knitting for Nyx.” She looked between me and my plate briefly.

“Can I bring my plate in, too?” I nodded, giving a small smile.

“Of course.”

________________

I woke up that morning to find Elain still fast asleep on the other half of my bed. We stayed up well into the night talking. While it was occasionally tense and primarily awkward, we did end the evening feeling better than when it started. Similar to how I felt after talking with Nesta, I know everything isn’t magically fixed. There are a lot of problems we still need to sort through, but at least there’s some starting ground for us.

I silently moved around the room, getting ready for my day in the kitchen. I mentally planned out what I was going to work on as I left the room with Nyx’s blanket in arms, closing the door quietly behind me so Elain could continue resting. Passing Rhys and Feyre’s room on my way to the kitchen, I set the blanket against their door. Content that the embroidered “Nyx” was in clear view with the way I folded the blanket, I walked off with a smile on my face.

The kitchen was empty when I entered, and I took a deep breath in. The space was beautifully done with endless counterspace, so I could work on multiple things at once and not feel constricted. First thing’s first, I lit up the oven so that it would be hot and ready for me as things were ready to be baked. Looking around at everything else, I got to work in getting the various crackers, cookies, breads, and preserves ready to go.

Breakfast wasn’t that big of a meal that the family shared together, so throughout the morning, folks popped in at various times to grab a bite to eat on their own time. Elain came down about an hour after I started, almost shy in approaching the kitchen before mentioning she was going to spend the morning in the garden. Cass and Nesta followed in a little while after Elain, clearly finishing some training. I stayed out of Cassian’s way as he made a quick breakfast of eggs and toast for him and Nesta.

“I don’t know how long you’ve been up and working, but I made enough for you to have a small plate yourself, Y/N.” I smiled in thanks to Cassian before doing a double-take at the plate in question.

“This is a small plate?” The food in question rivaled what Cassian had piled onto his own dish and he laughed.

“Hell no. Yours is on the counter next to the stove. That’s Azriel’s. He’s finishing up with some of his students and will be in soon.” I fought to hold any reaction in check as I nodded in understanding.

“Thanks again for the food, Cassian. I’ll be sure to let him know that’s his.” He nodded and followed Nesta out into the dining room. I overheard Nesta hiss something about him being too pushy, but couldn’t hear his response.

By this point, I had plenty of items ready to be transferred to baking sheets and into the oven. I popped a few trays in and turned to the plate of food Cassian made. Simple eggs and toast, but it was especially delicious since I didn’t need to make it myself.

About halfway through my eggs, I noticed some shadows growing in the corner of the kitchen, and that was the only warning I had before Azriel appeared in the kitchen. I tried to look away, but post-exercise Azriel was a sight I had forgotten I missed. Tanned skin flushed from exertion and hair messy from constantly pushing it back out of his eyes. My traitorous little brain was disappointed he had put a shirt on before entering the house. Forcing my gaze back to my plate was my punishment for letting those thoughts slip through.

I felt more than saw him pause in the kitchen when he realized I was in here as well. I watched the shadows in the corner move back to him, almost as if he were trying to hide behind them. I had heard stories of him doing that, and I snorted at the thought of him wanting to hide from me.

I nodded my head toward the plate on the counter. “Cass says that’s yours.” I turned back to my own plate, taking a bite of my toast. He hesitated a moment before slowly moving to the counter. He rested his hands on the side of the plate, tapping his fingers lightly as if in thought.

“Do you mind if I join you?” I looked back at him, taking note of his expressions. His face looked calm, but the shadows racing around his upper body told a different story. I shrugged in response.

“This is your kitchen as much as it’s mine.” I turned away to take a look at the baking sheets in the oven. With the crackers being a thinner crust, they bake quickly but could burn without a moment’s notice. I gently pressed a couple of them, noting they could use another couple of minutes.

“I’d disagree there. Already you’ve used it more than most of us combined.” I thought about Nuala and Cerridwen, understanding that no one uses the kitchen when they’re here.

Silence enveloped us as I went between finishing my breakfast and checking to make sure the crackers aren’t burning. When I finished eating, I set up a few different cooling racks on the counter next to the oven, getting everything ready to get crackers off the hot sheets as quickly as possible.

Glancing back at him, I noticed he didn’t put anything on his toast. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. Risking the wrath of the oven, I passed him blackberry jam I made earlier this week. “I refuse to see anyone with bare toast.” I didn’t wait to see if he did anything with it as I turned away to get back to work.

We continued on in silence – him eating while I got the next batch of crackers in the oven. If it weren’t for my wild imagination coming up with countless scenarios of this not going well in any capacity, this could have been comfortable. I forced myself to control my breathing and focus on what my hands were doing.

“Are these recipes something you learned recently, or something you learned in the human realm?” I jumped slightly, having not expected a comment.

“I suppose you could say it’s a combination. I learned the basic recipe years ago but made some adjustments with Prythian ingredients. Most of my old recipes have followed that same path.” I felt him watching me as I took out the second batch of crackers.

Some on the end of a sheet started to burn, and I frowned at them. I broke off the burnt end of one of them and ate the rest of it. I smiled slightly at the taste, grateful that rosemary was an herb common on this side of the wall. I put the last batch of crackers on sheets and put them in the oven. I turned back around, pulling up my mental recipes for Feyre’s favorite cookies. I worked through getting everything ready, hoping the cookie dough would be ready around the same time as the crackers coming out of the oven so I could steal back the sheets.

“I’m glad you were able to come.” I bit the inside of my cheek, not entirely sure where his comments have been coming from.

“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. Feyre is important to me, and now Nyx is a new kind of important to me.” He nodded, but I watched as he slid his fingers through his hair, almost as if frustrated.

“I’m sorry.” I almost dropped what I was holding as I spun to look at him. His eyes were wide, almost as if he didn’t think the words were going to slip out.

“Excuse me?” I watched him take a breath, almost as if accepting that this conversation is happening, if it’s not how he imagined it starting.

“I’m sorry. For everything. For hurting you. For making you think you couldn’t stay here. For causing you to leave your sisters.” His eyes were sad, but I felt the fire burning in mine.

“You’re sorry? Really?” I dropped the baking sheet on the counter, no longer paying attention to what I should be doing. “Let’s get one thing straight here, Azriel. You didn’t make me do anything. I chose to leave for me and my own well-being, and nothing else. You may have been a factor in my decision, but you were not the cause.” I started pacing, feeling a bunch of pent-up energy randomly flowing into my system.

“I have been doing a lot of self-reflection since I left, and I’ve gotta say, Azriel: I deserve significantly more than a lame-ass ‘sorry’ for the pain and hurt that you’ve been putting me through. Do you have any idea what it’s like for me? To not be good enough for the one person who was supposed to accept me for everything that I am? To not even be good enough to be an afterthought? You made your decision, and I know that I cannot control the actions and choices of others, no matter how badly I wish otherwise. But you chose Elain. I may never be okay with that, but I can accept that. And I am working on accepting that. I don’t know what other kind of reaction you could expect from me right now, or what else you want from me, but I can’t give you whatever it is you’re looking for. Forgiveness? I’m not ready for that. Understanding and happiness for making the choice you did? I have not felt happiness at all since becoming fae, so that one is never going to happen.” I felt the tears build behind my eyes as I looked him over. His hazel eyes were bright with his own unshed tears.

“I didn’t choose Elain.”

“How can you say you didn’t choose Elain when you actively chose to believe the bond snapped with her instead of me?”

“I knew what to expect with her: that I couldn’t have anything. I never believed I was worthy of a mate considering everything I’ve done in my life, and some twisted part of my brain believed that it clicked with Elain as further proof that I couldn’t have anything good in my life, that I would never be enough.” I stared at him like he grew a second head.

“That is quite literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life.”

“Stupid it may be, but it was the safest and easiest route.” My glare hardened.

“Fuck you. You’re going to sit there and say to my face, to your mate’s face, that you would rather live alone, that you would rather condemn me to a life of utter loneliness, because it’s easier for you? No. I don’t accept that. I refuse to accept that.” I noticed something in his eyes shift. “You don’t accept that either, do you?” I walked around the counter so I could stand face-to-face with him. I noticed the bob of his Adam’s apple and I wanted to punch him. “For a Spymaster, you’re a shitty liar. What, is this your way of punishing yourself? Push me away, make me hate you? To what end? What’s your goal here, Azriel?” He remained silent as he looked at me. “Don’t think I didn’t notice those questions you asked while you were eating. Did what I say to Elain last night about taking time to get to know someone resonate with you? Did you decide after a couple of questions that getting to know me as a person wasn’t ‘safe and easy’ anymore?”

“That’s not true.” I could start pulling my own hair out with the way this conversation was going.

“Then tell me what is true! Honesty shouldn’t be this hard!”

“The truth? Fine. The truth is that I think you’re the most magnificent creature on this planet. You are beautiful, you are kind, you are fierce, and you take care of what is yours, to name a few truths.” I stared at him for a moment, trying to wrap my head around the hurricane this morning has been.

“Here’s a truth for you: I don’t appreciate when others decide for me if they are worthy of me taking care of them or not. If they are worthy of my time or not.” I turned to look around the kitchen, at everything I still wanted to get done before I left tomorrow and suddenly felt exhausted. “Here’s another truth. I’m not willing to forgive you. But I am willing to get to know you. The way we should have gotten to know each other when the bond first snapped into place.” I moved back to where I was working before, picking up the previously forgotten baking sheet and placed it in the oven. “I have a lot I need to get done before I leave tomorrow morning. If you’re willing to ditch ‘safe and easy’ and actually get to know me the way it looked like you wanted to earlier, I’m willing to have another pen pal.”

One of the shadows he kept close to himself escaped, moving towards me almost as if celebrating. Feeling the shadow was like a cool breeze flowing around the kitchen. Before he could call it back to his collection, I raised a hand, allowing the shadow to weave between my fingers and I couldn’t hold back the small smile. I glanced up, watching him watch me. “It would be an absolute honor to be your pen pal.”

#azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel angst #a better life #bri's writing

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