#Yeah it sucks to learn reality but that's how you learn how to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE problems

[thenewausten]

Nerd!Quackity x popular!Y/N AU [Part 1]

You watch the boy closes his locker and as soon as he sees you, he gets scared."Shit." He whispers and you laugh a little."Sorry." You say with a smile on your face."Uh, it's okay." He was a little confused with you talking to him, I mean, you never did it before, why are you doing it now?!

"I'm Y/N. Mr. Miller said I should talk to you, uh..." You start, a little embarrassed."So, I'm terrible at Math and I'm almost failing at it... I wanted to know if, maybe, you'd help me with it..." You say as he looks at you for a couple seconds."Yeah, I mean, I can, I guess." He says, a little bit nervous with the fact he was talking to you."Guess?" You ask with a smile on your face."No, I'm sure. I can." He says as he fixes his glasses on his face.

He's such a nerd, glasses and dental appliances, beanies and a wristwatch. Such. A. Nerd. Your best friend said he was a weirdo, but you thought he was cute."Y/N?" The boy calls you and you come back to reality."Sorry, I was, uhn, thinking..." You say and he nods."I was asking if you want to start to study tomorrow at the Library." He says to you and you agree."Sure, I think it's great. Can we start after lunch?"

"Sure, I see you there." He says and you nod."Thank you, by the way." You whisper with a smile on your face."No problem." He smiles back to you and starts to leave, you watch him walk and turn around to find your best friend.

"He's cute, I swear." You say to your best friend as she laughs."Ew, what's wrong with you?" She asks."Why? He's also a nice person." You defend the boy."Don't tell me you'll fall in love with the nerd? C'mon, it's such a cliche." She rolls her eyes."I'm not! You're being mean and I'm defending him!" You answer and she smiles to you."Y/N, the defender of nerds." She laughs as you roll your eyes and laugh with her."Shut up!"

"Hey." You hear Alex's voice and smile to him as he sits next to you on the Library. "Heyy." You say and he smiles to you, taking the books from his backpack and placing them on the table."It sucks you're not in any of my classes." You comment with him."Why?" He asks, confused as he looks to your face. How can you be so pretty?, the boy thinks with himself, admiring your eyes, cheeks and lips."Uh, I wouldn't be so dumb, I guess." You laugh."You're not dumb, it's very normal to have difficulty in Math. Or Physics."

"Please, don't say that name." You beg him with a grimace, he laughs."Why?"

"Physics is my personal nightmare. Mr. Cooper said I'm going to fail this semester." You say and he laughs."How much did you get on the test?"

"Zero." You whisper and look away."What? Ain't no fucking way, Y/N." He says, shocked."Yeah, I'm a lost cause."

"No, I mean, you can recover your grade, there are still two tests left." He says and you shrug."Mr. Cooper said I could only recover if I got 10 on both tests. He said it's impossible and he's right."

"Fuck Mr. Cooper, he's a loser." He says and you laugh, surprised."Seriously, the man thinks he's a 'fuckin genius but he's not. He doesn't know how to teach the basics of Physics, this is the reason why you can't understand it."

"Yeah, but I also think it just can't get into my head." You say."I can teach you if you want to." He says and you smile to him."Please, it'd help me a lot!"

You'd pass the next two hours learning Math and Physics and talking about your hobbies. You discovered you two had so much in common and most important, you discovered you wasn't that dumb, because you understood everything he said to you.

"Do you have any doubts?" He asks, putting the books back in his backpack. "No, I don't. Thank you for helping me today, Alex." You say with a smile on your face as you get up. "Yeah, no problem." He smiles to you and puts his backpack on his back. "So... See you tomorrow?!" You ask him and he nods. "Sure."

"Also, there'll be a party on the next weekend, do you want to come?!" You ask him and Alex arches his eyebrows, looking at you."I don't... I'm not into parties." He says and you laugh."Yeah, I can see that." You give him a good look and he rolls his eyes, laughing."But, uh, I'm organising with some friends and I really wanted you to be there, just for, I don't know... Thirty minutes?!" You ask him and he seems to think a little."Fine, then. Can you pass me the address?!" He asks to you."I'll send a message to you, we're still seeing where it'll be." You say and pass him your cell phone."Can you pass me your number?" He nods and grabs your cell phone. "Here." He gives it back to you. "Thanks, Alex."

"No problem, Y/N."

For the rest of the week Alex would teach you Math and Physics and you'd also talk about random things. And since you had his number, you'd talk every time for message! He'd send you such stupid memes, making you laugh so much. :(

And of course, your best friend would mock you sooo much as you said you were feeling attracted to him at Friday."I knew it'd happen!" She says as she laughs."I can't believe in you!"

"He's smart, okay? And wear glasses." You say as she laughs even more."He's a nerd, Y/N!"

"So what?" You ask her, looking at her face."Damn, the most weird couple ever. A nerd and a cheerleader."

"I don't even know if he's attracted to me. And we'd be cute together." You say and she laughs."Of course he's attracted to you. Everyone is." She answers and you laugh. "That's not true."

"It's, Y/N! By the way, he's a nerd so don't expect so much of his kissing skills." You laugh."You're so mean." You sit on her bed and she shrugs."I'm realistic, maybe it'll be the worst kiss of your life." She says and you laugh."You're so dramatic! I know it won't be, okay?"

"Alright, then." The girl shrugs again and you roll your eyes, wanting to see Alex again as soon as possible so you'd talk about the movies you watched together and the party you were organizing. <3

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy the writing! :)

Requests are open!

#quackity #qsmp #qsmp brazil #quackity imagines #quackity x reader #alex quackity #qsmp brasil #quackity imagine #quackity x y/n #quackity x you #quackity fluff #quackity fanfic #quackity headcannons #quackityhq #quackity scenario #qsmp quackity

[andypantsx3]

hi andie!

do u have any tips for corporate girlies? my friend is starting out in the corp world !! and got a lot of reality checks over how harsh and 'corporate' it is :((

Ohhhhh my god yeah corporate culture sucks!! It's just a bunch of adult babies using fancy words tbh lmao, acting like we're going to war and/or curing cancer when we're really just launching a product no one wants or needs lol.

Not sure what industry your friend is or what role she's in but here are some general tips, starting with practical project tips to more personal/sanity check tips lol.

Make sure you understand your organization's goals and success criteria. This is so basic but in order to understand what leadership cares about and how all the different project components fit in, you're going to want to learn what are all the active projects, who owns them, what success is being evaluated on, and how those performance indicators are being calculated. I work with some people who have no idea what is going on (which, fair) but it ends up creating a ton of churn and can look super bad for them if they are not in step with what our corporate overlords expect from them.

Clear communication is key. Never have I ever encountered more communication issues than working in corporate; people often have one image in their head of what a task looks like where their partner teams might have another, and if you don't outline all the key details together, you could end up delivering something unusable. If you're an individual contributor (aka a task doer), make sure you ask clarifying questions of the project leads if they haven't specified (like, what testing environment something needs to be deployed to, what are the release gating procedures, what is the expected timeline, etc). If you're a project manager, make sure you're clarifying those details with stakeholders and passing that information to your team; prompt your team to ask questions even if they seem clear, and make sure you get that info for them ASAP!!

Documentation is crucial. If you make an implementation decision, document it. If you have a delivery, document it. If you have a process for anything, make sure you document it. If you have a meeting, get those notes out. If you have an agreement with stakeholders, make sure you get it in writing and get them to sign off on it!! Information is key to helping other people understand what you are doing, why you are doing it, what the expectations were from other related parties when you started doing it, and how it can be improved if needed. If you're a project lead or manager, start a folder or repository somewhere for all project communications, keep all your emails & slacks with stakeholders (because they will come back being snotheads and you can politely whip out receipts). :3

Be proactive. Observe the kinds of questions leadership asks, understand their concerns & needs. Then proactively make sure you are addressing those things in your work and/or in your reporting. For example, if you're reporting on a release failure in a weekly business review, make sure you call out things like: 1) what you tried to do to prevent failure, 2) what the ultimate blockers or root causes of failure were, 3) what your learnings were from that failure, 4) what you are going to do to fix it, and 5) what the revised ETA is. That way, even though things didn't go your way, leadership understands you are on top of things and proactively working to solve problems.

Understand priorities & tradeoffs. There will come a time where you have conflicting demands on your time. Work with your manager or org leadership to understand what projects are higher priorities than others, and do not be afraid to escalate to your manager or above if progress is threatened or if you need to clarify. For example, Project A is high priority and Project B is medium priority, but the project manager from Project B is all up in your business asking you to deliver something or investigate something that you don't know if you have time for. Loop in your manager to determine if someone else can take Project B, or inform them that doing B will impose these anticipated risks to A; are they comfortable with that? Then you can circle back to Project B to deliver the news that you're working on A, your manager has suggested this revised timeline or other POC they can work with, and if they have concerns they can escalate. (Usually this shuts ppl up :3)

Improve processes. I cannot emphasize this enough but try to think about how to do things better the next time around, even if things went solidly to plan. Do not get defensive about your work or the quality of your work; always be thinking (or asking other people) about how time could be cut off of something, what processes could be put in place to minimize touchpoints or decrease risks. If you can, try to impose this mindset on your team & ask for project retrospectives, and take specific action items out of those retrospectives! Trust me it makes things so much clearer and easier in the long run if you work to make things better over time!!

Get a mentor. Find someone who has the job you want to have or who seems to know the things you want to know about and ask them to work with you on that! Tell them what your goal is, whether to develop a special skill set to move roles, or develop a specific understanding of a project or concept, and ask them to help you develop a plan to get there. Set up regular time together and goals to work towards in that time. This helps you learn things faster and gives you someone who can vouch for you when it comes time for yearly feedback, role changes, or promotions.

Create a personal portfolio. Keep track of all the things that you do; all the projects you are on, what your role is, what you were responsible for delivering, and what resources you created as part of that, whether it's project wikis, some script, etc. Keep your manager aware of it so they understand your value and have visibility on your work; you can leverage this when it comes time for role changes or promotions. Additionally try to make sure you're working on high viz or high value projects; this gives you even more leverage!!

Do not tie your self worth to your performance or your job title. At the end of the day capitalism sucks, corporations are evil, and none of this shit matters. Even if you don't do something well once, you can improve in the future, and even if your company doesn't see it/isn't a good match for your skills, you have value!!! They profit from keeping you underpaid, stressed out, and dejected, but you are not just a 'resource' or a cog in a machine. You are a person; you will make missteps from time to time but you bring more value to this planet and the people on it just by existing than these capitalist enterprises could ever. Do do not burn yourself out trying to please them, keep yourself open to other job options, and make sure you have a good friend/family support structure in place to reality check you!!

Idk how helpful this was but I hope there was a little something in there that your friend could use. If she has specific questions on anything I'm happy to help out too lol; that might give me more idea what specific aspect she is struggling with & how to help!

#ask andie

[artdivadej]

Survivor’s Remorse (VI)

Part Six

NSFW | 18+ | PTSD | Self harm | Torture

Part 7 | Part 8

"Shit"

"Yeah. I'm really sorry about that by the way. About you. I didn't mean-"

"It's fine. I know it wasn't personal" he waves his hand dismissively before clearing his throat. "I asked Annie about what it was like, once. She told me that after her first day she really didn't know. She could hear you talking sometimes but mainly just, screaming. Told me that after they dragged her past you the first day, you didn't stop screaming for a week. Annie said that they never came back for her after that day though"

"That..." I hesitate but don't want to lie to him "It's true"

"Shit"

"Yeah"

"Have you ever really talked about it?"

"No"

"Do you want to?"

"No. I don't want to think" I admit shaking my dizzy head as I sucked on the sugar cube

Finnick pulls a string from his pocket and drops it into my hands, showing me some complicated loops.

"I could teach you some knots? We'd have to take these off though"

He taps at my nail guards and I swallow the rest of the sugar in my mouth before pulling them securely to my chest with a shake of the head.

"I don't want to hurt you" I breathe

"You won't" He chuckles while deftly unlocking them

"How do you-?"

"Who do you think helps Beetee design your mouthguards and cuffs while Cinna's in recovery?"

My eyes widen and I grin at him. I should've known. The few memories I have, Finnick'd always treated me like a little sister in. He made me remember that we all grew up too soon. I had real fun with Finnick. I remember being on the sand, scaring Peeta awake, dancing around a bonfire and learning songs of the sea. I squeeze my eyes shut in pain as jolts of electricity rattle my spine. I clench my teeth and focus on one spot in front of me, unfortunately everyone seems to be focused on Finnick and me, also curious about my Torture Tales. Or maybe the fact that I'm gripping his hand tightly in my sharp nailed one. It doesn't seem like I'm hurting him though, and I need a firm grip on reality right now.

"The Quarter Quell. We...you and I...we" I choke trying to fight through the immeasurable pain it brings me to speak about the Quell, let alone think about it.

This overpowering fear made me convulse as if I was being shocked with cattle prods again. They stayed with me until he released my hand, his arm wrapping around my shoulders to keep me together. Finnick gives me a reassuring squeeze and it helps lessen the shaking some more.

"That's it. What did we do?" he coaxes gently

I don't like how Peeta's eyes bore into my face, his body screaming he wants me to answer too. Why? If I actually had done something with Finnick, why should he care? He loved Katniss. Right?

The sand is burning, I can see hands reaching out the water towards me, blood dripping from the eyes at the center of their palms. Even the moonlight hurts my eyes.

"It's scary here Finn" I sigh tiredly

"I'm not leaving ya. Just like I didn't than"

I take another shaky breath before pushing on, absorbing his strength at my side to keep going.

"We had...fun. I felt like a kid again with you. We played a joke on Peeta. It...it made me feel so good to see him laugh. Really laugh. Why?" I hiss angrily feeling the venom bubble in my mouth unbidden from aggression I didn't understand.

Ugh not now.

I'm not a monster! I spit the purple venom onto the ground at my feet and bite down on my arm hard. Well, that's new. This is the first time it's been purple. Just what else did they do to my canine ducts? My back goes rigid, pain licking every cell of my body, head thrown back as I choke on a scream of terror. I faintly hear commands being shouted before my vision goes black.

I start myself awake for a few seconds again sometime later. I can tell I've screamed something but then I feel a prick in my neck and I'm pulled under again.

This time when I awake, I'm sitting propped up but snug and strangely comfortable. A big arm is wrapped around my shoulders to keep me warm while nestled into their side. There's blonde hair in the corner of my eye, my heart leaps as I whisper his name out of an impulse that felt unnaturally...habitual.

"I'm here" Peeta's voice whispers across the dim lamplight and I'm startled by the emotions that erupt at the hauntingly familiar phrase.

I look around to gauge the time. The stars are out. I've been out for a while. Only he and Johnson are awake.

Ah, watching the rabid highjacked psycho.

If it's not Peeta beside me, then who? Quirking my head just a bit I see that Finnick is who's holding me together tonight, sleeping peacefully with his other arm across his stomach, trident strapped to his back. No one else would dare get so close to me. Let alone to just leave their guard down like that and sleep so deeply within range of me or my teeth.

"Nothing I-" I stop not sure what I want to say

"Hungry?" Peeta offers

My mouth waters and my stomach answers. He sends me a wry smile before grabbing a bowl sitting beside him and sliding closer to offer it to me. He's too close. I can smell him at this distance. He was only 6 feet away from me and his fingers graze my palm as he makes sure the bowl is securely in my shackled hands before letting it go.

It warms me more than the bowl does. I don't know how to feel about that. Inside the bowl is a couple slices of ham and a few buttery potato squares. I still couldn't stand vegetables and being so close to the Training Quarters, I could feel the tears building again.

Why the fuck was everything making me so emotional? I needed Peeta away from me. This was his fault. I just know it is.

"You ok?"

His benevolence towards me is disarming and it unnerves me. It made everything that much more confusing.

"Why are you being so fucking nice to me?" I grumble wanting to understand him because maybe, it just might help me understand a bit about myself. I was willing to die for him. Why? "I tried to rip your fuckin throat out! Why?"

Peeta lets out a sigh and just eyes me sadly before rubbing his thighs. I recognize this nervous habit and it sparks something else within me. I answer before he can.

"We protect each other"

"Always" he nods with a small side smirk

I don't like the hope I see bloom on his face or how my heart leaps at the word. It frightens me.

"I don't even know what to believe anymore. Friend? Mutt? Ally? Love. Hate! Real. Not real. How am I supposed to discern the bullshit from the facts!" I roar angrily, wanting to lash out at something.

"Ask" Finnick grumbles as he shifts to sit up

"Who?" I hiss grateful he's awake in case I need knocking out again

"Us" Johnson pipes up

"For what? All of you want me dead anyway. What are you to me! My next set of torturers just waiting to lead me to your next game, like your friend who loved kicking me around in that van? If you want me dead so badly, I wish someone would just get on with it! I'm so tired of everyone's mind games"

"Your allies. We're your squad now" Gale pipes in

Great. They'd all been awake. Must be hard to sleep with a wild fox in your den.

"So?" I grumble

"That makes us family. You saved a lot of lives when you warned us about the attack. We don't just forget that kind of thing in 13" Boggs explains sitting in the seat Peeta had vacated to hold my eyes seriously.

His face reflected true disgust when I screamed about Keil kicking me around. I had a feeling Boggs wasn't going to let that one just go either. I'm watching them warily when my stomach grumbles again. Finnick leans forward to release my nails so I can eat the way I like to, but I shake my head at him.

"I don't want to hurt anyone like I tried to earlier"

"That's not what you did" Finnick chuckles ignoring me and releasing my nails

I greedily take a slice of ham and slurp it up, ignoring the fact I'm aware it looks as if I have no table manners.

"What do you mean?"

"You tend to lash out at yourself. Rarely at others unless its verbal"

I mull this over as I take a swallow of my water. My eyes land on Peeta again to see that he's still looking at me with that gentle stare of his, almost like he's enjoying watching me eat. He's calm. Tranquil.

It clicks.

I hold my restraints up so he can see the orange in the center where my sedative comes out.

"Orange. Orange is your favorite color. Soft...like a sunset. Real or not real?"

"Real. Yours is cobalt, like the collar and cuffs you're wearing"

I glance down at them and feel another appreciation for my friends. As few as I have. Leaning to my left I kiss Finnick on the cheek, now understanding the depths of his hand in this as well. Peeta stiffens but doesn't comment. Maybe this was a hint from Beetee without being pushy?

"Don't put ya greasy bacon lips on me" Finnick whines pulling a laugh from me

I lock eyes with Peeta again. I said it to Joanna but I needed to know which Peeta was real.

"Hot chocolate. You drank it before bed on the train. Real or not real?"

"Real"

I slam my eyes shut as the train memories start to tussle with each other. I don't want to ask this with so many ears on me but I know they won't stop hurting until I do. I look at Peeta imploringly.

"If we take some guards, would you feel comfortable walking with me? Just...for a little bit" I swallow

He tilts his head silently inquiring and I feel the need to explain.

"I have...questions but I'm not sure if..." I sigh scratching at my shoulder acutely aware of the audience.

Whether it happened or not I doubt he'd want everyone to know the lewd details that I'd viciously tried to air out before. I didn't want to do that again. He looks to Boggs for permission who nods his assent. Even though he was the one that'd knocked me unconscious when I'd first seen Peeta and attempted to rip out his trachea with my teeth, I liked him.

"Take 2 with you"

Peeta moves to stand but I flinch back against Finnick when he leans my way, my nails digging into the sleeping bag. I can't help the fear I feel here in the dark, surrounded, with his hands ready to lock around my throat if he wanted. I can't help the way my eyes rapidly scan every pair of eyes on me to map out their locations. Would anyone even try to stop him?

I peek up at Finnick to see he's watching me with a wistful cerulean gaze. On the one hand, I'd like to think Finnick meant what he said. On the other, I don't want him in any unnecessary danger as a newlywed. It's bad enough he has to be out here in the first place. No. If they do turn on me, I want Finnick to stay the fuck out of it.

"Finn" I whisper "Can you put my mouthguard on for me?"

"Do you really need it?"

"I don't want it but... I think so. My questions are...triggering. When they tortured me about the train and the Quell, they.... they spent a week straight breaking every bone in my hands. It was one of the ways to make me terrified to think about them. They'd reset them a few hours after they were finished and do it again, playing the footage or what they altered in it. It felt like it was never ending. Part of my punishment for making them feel stupid. Again. We'd tricked them into believing Cinna knew nothing about the rebellion. Joanna and I were pretty convincing. We both do condescending pretty fuckin well. She caught some waterboarding for her troubles too. We took comfort in each other's screams. It meant we were still together. We still had each other. It was the silence that was terrifying. Wondering what they had planned next you know? I don't care that I still have issues with my hands now. They left him alone after that. He can still make pretty things"

I'm smiling like a lunatic and I'm rambling because I've never spoken these dark memories aloud. They're coming out quicker than I can stop them. I'm actually really proud of this. This was a true triumph for me from my time there. To have my hands ravaged so Cinna's would never have to be. Definite win in my book.

"His hands are like yours Peeta. Powerful but so delicate. Treasures. You appreciate and marvel at the gems they create. You don't hurt that. I don't want to hurt him" I admit to them with every breath as unsteady as my body was.

I don't want to see the pity that I can feel on everyone's faces as they all shift a little closer to me. I don't want it. Finnick pats the top of my head before he dips his in my tent to grab the guard. I lay back on the sleeping bag, hands palm side down, waiting for the hands on my shoulders. I'm baffled when they don't come.

"Whatcha dooooin?" Finnick sings poking my nose as he leans over me

I shake my head and sit up surveying them just as perplexed at their actions, or lack thereof, as they were at mine.

"They...everyone always straps me down when they put em on. There's.... a bar for between my teeth so I can't hurt them...I'm just used to-"

"Being treated like less of a person?" Katniss snaps

"Not like I've ever had a choice princess!" I snap back feeling stupid

"Well, you do now! Just tilt your head back!" she huffs irritably

"We don't want to put these, things, on you. Believe that. We only are because you asked" Leegs shakes her head as she explains

I nod than tip my head back obediently and pop my mouth open, extending my tongue to give him full access. Finnick easily slips it around my top row and clicks it securely in place. I widen my jaw a little until they fit comfortably on the inside of my cheeks, giving Finnick a thumbs up once they are. Peeta leans forward with his hands on his knees now, eyeing me with anticipation.

"Ready?"

"Ready" I lisp around the guard

My eyes narrow when I realize he's covered his mouth with his hand and is trying to stop from laughing at my newly acquired lisp. I always get it with the mouth guard. It's just much more comfortable in Beetee's than the too small ones Snow had me in. Finnick gingerly pulls me to my feet and rehooks my nail guards into place. Gale comes with us without a word. Good. This could just be seen as guy talk.

I wait until we've gotten a little way away from the camp before I start to talk. Gale and Finnick keep an 8-foot distance behind us as Peeta walks beside me. He doesn't seem concerned about me attacking him as his hand brushes mine every so often, quite warm against my cool skin. I'm beginning to think he's doing this on purpose when I realize he had in fact moved closer the more we walked.

"I... I wanted to know"

"About the train" he finishes thankfully cutting to the chase

"I slept with you?" I nod trying not to feel like an idiot "A lot"

"If you mean literally sleep, then yes. After the first games...you never really could without me"

"I wonder if I ever could" I mumble feeling bitter about my insomnia

"I hear you don't so well these days"

"I wouldn't know. It's hard to keep track. They drug me a lot to undilute my memories. It's hard to tell when I'm awake and when I'm not. So... I never had sex with you?"

"No" he coughs "Do you remember differently?"

"Yes...I mean. I think so"

"Tell me about it"

I glance behind us and see that while watchful, Finnick and Gale are otherwise interested in their own conversation. Finnick shoots me an encouraging smile before shooing me to look forward with a wave of his trident. I look back at Peeta and move over to the trees, leaning against one, arms crossed over my chest to tuck my trembling hands away.

"It's too shiny when I try to see your eyes...but" I swallow shakily running my hand through my hair again

"But?"

"It starts off fine but then when you're kissing me..."

I choke again and have to clench my teeth to fight the headache I feel trying to form.

"It doesn't feel like the 'you' I think I remember. This one is... Rough. Mean. Smacks me when I ask you to be gentle" I sigh

"Not real" he asserts with an appalled shake of the head.

"It's fuzzy when you're nice. I like that one better. You don't compare me to her in that one"

He doesn't have to ask to know who I'm talking about and I'm happy that he doesn't.

"Tell me about it"

"You...you're sweet. Gentle. Make me feel safe. I don't ever feel that way anymore" I shake my head trying to get this to make sense "You call me sweet names in this one. Always ask before touching me. You...like my scar. Mean Peeta hurts me with it. You make me feel good when you touch it"

Now I'm blushing and my hands are shaking.

I shouldn't like this. I'm not supposed to.

"Real"

My eyes meet his and I realize he's come much closer. I'm shaking but I don't know why. Fear? Longing? Trepidation. Uncertainty. What exactly do I feel for this boy that I'd been so convinced was trying everything he could to kill me? Especially when he looked at me the way he did now, as if I held all his heart in my hands. I look over his shoulder for Gale and Finnick. They've moved closer too and I'm grateful.

"I... asked to touch you. You told me I could" I breathe not realizing my pupils have contracted to slits reflecting the heat I felt sweep through me.

"Real" he husks

Why does he keep moving closer? They've broken me to kill him. He should hate me as much as they'd programmed me to despise him. But I don't shove him back either. I watch him warily as he steps into my bubble.

Maybe we both have a death wish?

      ***

Peeta had no intentions on pushing you tonight. He just wanted to see why you remembered the train the way you did. It was seeing the way you spoke about that night on the train that spurred him into movement. It was practically impossible for you to hide your emotions after Snow had your eyes altered. Not to mention Peeta had already practically been an expert in reading your body language having learned during your first games together.

You were scared but not for the reasons you claimed.

That was the only time you'd touched one another that intimately. Even then, you'd focused on his pleasure, even as you came and soaked his fingers. You wanted to watch him, your mouth greedily sucking at his bottom lip.

For some reason you hadn't told him, you were hesitant to let him all the way in, but Peeta was patient. To see you come unraveled first at his touch had made him explode in your warm hands too.

Your lips part and your eyes dart over his shoulder again, but he doesn't want your eyes on Gale and most especially not Finnick. Not when he can see the desire sparkling in them. Not when he had to watch you snuggle against Finnick while it was his name you whispered in your sleep. Or when it was Finnick who wiped the tears from your cheeks while you whimpered from nightmares and not him. Or when you'd happily kissed Finnick.

No. Peeta needed you to look at him.

Stepping closer so that he hovered just above you, Peeta placed his hands by either side of your waist, flat on the tree trunk, so he was almost touching you. Peeta likes that your back bows naturally, reacting on memories it wasn't aware of, while your breath quickens craving for him to touch you.

"What else?"

"I did. You let me", you swallow and bite your lip

Peeta doesn't say it but he sees your eyes drop to his fly before quickly darting back up to his. He wants you to remember that night the right way. He would never hurt you, especially not when you were trusting him at your most vulnerable. For them to warp your memories to believe he had...he wanted them obliterated. Peeta would rewrite every stolen kiss and touch they'd robbed of you.

"Real" Peeta hummed dipping his neck so his lips hovered just above yours

"I asked you to touch me too. Together we...You kissed me as I came" you begin to whisper wincing as if you'd been pricked by something

"Very real"

Peeta knew these were dangerous waters he was treading but he'd been holding back for so long. He raised his hands slowly, making sure that you could see every move he made. It was clear that the things about him you loved the most were what they focused on scaring you away from. It was abundantly clear from day one that his hands were on that list. You always watched them as if they would enclose around your throat. Even now you did yet you still wouldn't move away seemingly searching for answers of your own. Peeta's hands cup your cheeks and he can't help the way his heart sings when you nuzzle into them the way you used to.

"You've been rough with me. A few times. Mean Peeta is so rough with me"

"Not real. I would never. Not unless you asked me to" Peeta shakes his head tilting yours up so he can look into your icy gray eyes

"I can't separate them. I'm trying but I can't" you gasp shakily with tears in your eyes

"Let me show you, please love?" Peeta pleads lowly as his wet lips hover just above yours

"I don't want to hurt you" you whisper as a tear of honest fear rolls over your cheek, terrified of doing so even with the mouth guard and cuffs

Peeta wipes it away gently with another shake of the head.

"You won't" he smiles before his lips cover yours

Your cuffed fingers clutch the front of his shirt as you arch your neck, pushing your body closer to his. It had been too long since he'd felt your lips. Peeta slips his tongue between your plump lips, reveling in the soft moan that shakes your frame as he explores your mouth, sucking on your lips and tongue. He knows how weak it makes you when he suckles your hypersensitive tongue. His left-hand stays cupped on your cheek as his right rests on your hip, thumb caressing the tip of the scar across your belly in small pressured circles. Other than Cinna only he was ever allowed to touch it. When you pull back with an excited gasp, Peeta sees the flash of recognition in your eyes.

Yes.

Peeta doesn't wait before he captures your lips again, pulling your hip against his and sliding the fingers of his right up to thread through your hair. Your body curls into his just the way you used to, molding with him like the perfect piece to his puzzle that you are. Peeta nibbles your bottom lip before pulling your tongue between his lips again, loving how you whimper so softly in his mouth. When he finally pulls back, he rests his forehead against yours.

"Which feels real?" He exhales against your lips

"Gentle Peeta" you sigh "I-I wanted to but...I can't..."

Your pupils dilate widely and before Peeta can register what's happening, you shove him so hard away from you that he stumbles backwards into another tree.

"You're a liar" you hiss

Peeta sees it's not at him. Your eyes are fixed on a point somewhere deep in the woods and they're petrified.

"It's not him. I'm the mutt. I'm the monster. It's me!" You start to screech while pulling at your hair

Peeta starts forward but you snap your jaws in his direction in alarm, your eyes not really seeing anything around you, as you attempt to keep him away from you. Gale snatches Peeta backwards, keeping him at a safe distance.

"It might do more harm than good if it's you" he whispers in Peeta's ear to stop his struggling

"No, you lied! It's not him! It's me! I won't! I won't hurt him for you!" You wail as tears of resignation fall down your face. You move so rapidly as you suddenly pull the strap of your restraints against your throat, lock the strap around your throat then pull backwards in a clear attempt to strangle yourself against the tree behind you. You glare defiantly before choking out your final words "I'm done being in your games"

Finnick is on you in seconds. He's tackled you to the ground as you continue to scream at someone who isn't here. Peeta's eyes are wide with concern and he's trying not to shake in his distress. Within moments you're knocked unconscious by Finnick, who's activated the sedative in your collar. After bundling your slumped form up in his arms, his trident now across his back, he tucks your face away into his neck.

"Hmm" he chuckles under his breath walking over to Peeta and Gale "That went well"

"Who do you think she was talking to?"

"Snow" Peeta's answer is immediate and clipped "And that was a fucking disaster. I just made it worse"

"I don't know Peeta. I think that was a clearer answer than I ever got out of a girl", Gale shrugs as they make their way back to the camp "And I've had girls flat out tell me they liked me"

"What do you mean?"

Gale sighs with exaggeration but Peeta can tell he's not genuinely annoyed at him. Finnick has mercy and explains better, having the most experience in these matters.

"We learned about one thing that happened during her capture today. Can you imagine going through just that? Despite everything they made her forget, altered or put her through, that fear is there. The bloodlust just, isn't. You can't force the mind to just do what you want it to, no matter how much trackerjacker venom you've got. She literally tried to kill herself when the programming attempted to take over. She could have easily choked you instead. Bit your tongue out of your mouth. Anything. But she turned her own restraints back onto herself to protect you. If that doesn't scream that someone loves you more than their own life, I don't know what does", Finnick explained transferring you out of his hood so your face was no longer hidden in his neck. He shifted your weight for Peeta to see your tear-stained cheeks and bruised throat "Every day for weeks. Brainwashed. Tortured, with one thought left in her mind. To kill you. And she just can't bring herself to do it. That kind of love is a lot of things, but it isn't weak"

The group made it back to the camp after this, the squads eyes falling on your slumped form in Finnick's arms.

"What happened?" Boggs sighs

He came over and inspected Peeta's face and neck, his hand on his chin, tilting his face this way and that. He released him when he saw there were no marks.

"Peeta kissed her" Finnick snickers

"So... she fainted?" Leegs chuckles

"No" Peeta snaps wanting nothing more than to take you from Finnick's arms and tuck you out of sight.

"She kissed him back and everything was fine. We blink for five seconds and she's trying to kill herself" Gale sighs running a hand through his black wavy hair

"Damn Peeta, I didn't know you were that bad" Messalla teases

"She was fine! Then I don't know...something snapped. She started to hear Snow. She was yelling at him"

Peeta shoots Finnick an annoyed look before Finnick realizes he's still got you in his arms. It's making it hard for him to focus. With a teasing smile, Finnick slips to his knees and slides you inside the tent before reemerging and joining everyone by the fire.

"What did she say?" Johnson asks seriously

"She was a mutt. She was done playing in his games. Then she turned her restraints on herself" Peeta sighs rubbing his eyes tiredly

"That all?"

"No. He's being painfully obtuse with you on purpose" Gale rolls his eyes "They kissed. They talked about what happened on the train some more and she lost it after. Like some mirror piece had fallen into place and she couldn't stand her reflection or something. She was ready to die so she'd never hurt him. It was in her eyes"

"Keep a closer watch on her. She'll try it again" Cressida sighs

"To kiss Peeta?" Messalla snickered

Peeta really hoped so.

"To kill herself. If that's the decision she's made, it's likely that she'll try again to keep Peeta safe. If she's warring with the fact that she has feelings for him and that she's supposed to kill him out of an unshakable fear, then she will try it again. She's chosen death over being the cause of Peeta's" Finnick explains with a sad shake of the head

"None of us will let that happen" Boggs nods and everyone in the group nods their assertion

      ***

"Did you?" Haymitch asks lowly, his eyes as hard and sad as mine

I don't answer because I don't want to upset him.

"Yes" Peeta's voice is low and dark as he answers for me

"When?"

"When we were coming from underground. There was a tunnel full of mutts. They almost had Finnick and Katniss. She was almost out but she hurled herself back and went wild on them when one of them bit Finnick and pulled him back down. Managed to practically toss Finnick and Katniss up the ladder, even with her hands bound. She was climbing back up, almost out herself and then...I don't know"

His arms tighten and I can feel the shudder that goes through him. I know that day had terrified him. To see me just let go, to think he'd have to live without me. I'd never make it up to him but I was hellbent on trying.

"I was ready to die. I had saved everyone I needed to. What worth was my life anymore?" I sigh guiltily

"Tell me about it" Haymitch leans forward, handing Peeta some of the clear liquor that I gratefully take from his warm hands as he slides it into mine.

"We'd lost Boggs and few others but we were so close"

#i ship it #romance #peeta x reader #peeta mellark smut #peeta mellark x reader #peeta mellark #the hunger games peeta #peeta #peeta fanfiction #thg peeta #peeta smut #peeta hg fanfiction #smut fanfiction #hunger games fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #survivors remorse #part six

[my-castles-crumbling]

I made a huge mistake almost a whole year ago and I still think about it all of the time.

I was working with this new staff member… and I did the worst thing anyone could do and assumed their pronouns… I was using the wrong pronouns for weeks until my sister told me that they go by they/them. When she told me that my entire heart shattered. I felt like the biggest asshole ever. How could I, a member of the lgbtqia+ community fuck up that badly. I felt horrible and of course I still do.! (No one knows I’m queer so I also feel like now they think I’m transphobic and/or homophobic)

I wanted to apologise but then I felt like I’d be making up excuses for myself and I’m also like really socially awkward so I didn’t end up saying anything.

The thing is, I still feel so horrible about it and I guess that’s a good thing bc at least I know that I care about being respectful but it just really sucks that I was misgendering someone for so long and didn’t realise the harm I could have been causing them.

I’m so sorry to be ranting to you at 2am but I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever get over this and I just needed to speak about it to someone.

Ps- I am the agender questioning anon and so thank you so much for helping me with that… I think I’m starting to understand myself so much more now!

So much love to you Cas, I hope you have the most amazing day! 🫶🏼

Hi love!

woah woah woah. Take a breath <3

Here's the thing. Yeah, it sucks to be misgendered. and yeah, in a perfect world, we should ask people for their pronouns every time we meet them.

But here's the thing: that's not reality. Why?

It's not always safe to ask for/share pronouns. There are many situations where I, myself, don't feel comfortable asking someone's pronouns or sharing my own. So I assume. And unfortunately, that means I get misgendered and so do other people. But my safety and the safety of others is first and foremost.

Also, it's a habit to get into, to ask people for their pronouns, even when they might present in a way that makes you assume. Habits are difficult to form, and sometimes a mistake like this helps you become more eager to form them.

And here's the thing: you did the EXACT RIGHT THING by not making a big deal of it when you found out and (I'm assuming) just using the right pronouns from then on. You didn't put that person in a weird situation and now they're being gendered correctly.

Let me give you an example that will hopefully make you feel better:

I have been wearing a pin on my lanyard at work for five months now with my pronouns. I work with about a hundred adults. Guess how many people use my pronouns? ONE.

Until the other day.

All of a sudden, my coworker started referring to me with my pronouns. And I was SO EXCITED! She didn't have to give an apology. She just needed to start respecting my identity.

All this to say: yes, it sucks to be misgendered, and in a perfect world we should never assume. But you're still LEARNING and if you've corrected yourself and do your best to do better from now on then, as long as this coworker is a decent person, they aren't mad. I promise!

Sending you lots of love and also maybe some forgiveness for yourself. <333

#ask #asks #ask cas

[deathlygristly]

I am reading the reblogs and tags on an older post that goes around the dash occasionally. It's about reading. I'm sure you've seen it - someone talks about Divergent books and 1984 and then someone reblogs it and calls 1984 rape apologism? Which is really weird?

The spousal person ordered a print of this Kate Beaton comic many years ago and he hung it up in the hallway and he told me to go look at it whenever I said my writing was bad:

http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=44

The first two panels do a fairly decent job of explaining 1984. Which is just....a really simple book. It's like wow look fascism sucks! And that's it, pretty much. Like yeah, obviously you could write papers and essays and a thesis and probably do a whole body of academic work on the particulars of it, but really it's just that Orwell thought fascism sucked. Which it does, so I don't see the problem?

Anyway I am pretty sure a lot of the people on that post come from a very different society than I do, even though the education system they say they hate is the American one. Which, hey, our education is locally funded and controlled so maybe it's just that my working class southern Appalachian rural county schools were a lot better than their schools? Or is it maybe what I've suspected before, that I graduated before No Child Left Behind?

I can't recall my English teachers ever being authoritarian to the extent so many other people claim their English teachers were. Not that I can recall that much about English or school at all, really, but I think I would remember if they marched around all "No, your essay is WRONG and only MY opinion is right!!!" all the time.

But then it's true that I don't remember it that well because I just wrote essays the night before they were due or sometimes in the classes before English if it was a class later in the day, and then I got a good grade and nice comments on it and then I got on with my life. I don't think I ever invested nearly as much emotional energy and idea of my self-worth into English class as the people on that post did. Which maybe that's why they remember it so well? Certainly it's probably a large part of why they still have Big Emotions about it.

Anyway my point is that sometimes I read how people write about their own reading and I'm like oh. This is why I shouldn't care what people say about my work that much. I clearly did not write it for these people who experience the world and fiction and the written word in a way that I cannot imagine at all and that I would have never known existed as a possibility if I hadn't read their own words about it.

Like the version of the post that gets the most reblogs ends with an essay about how in the last few decades people have come to expect characters to be "relatable" and to be like them and to think and experience things the way they do? And there's all this self-identity and irrational and false beliefs about your own moral purity involved?

If you come to my work with that sort of thing in your heart you will bounce off of it, and I have finally come to understand that the bouncing off is for the best for both of us.

If you're new here and you haven't read my stuff yet, here's the pinned post with the directory on my Simblr: Story Index.

Anyway, gotta go to bed now. It's just....I don't think I ever realized just how differently people experience fiction and books and the written word from how I experience it before. Like in the tags someone said they expected 1984 to be more Hunger Games-esque? How is that person perceiving reality? I want to live inside their brain for a bit to learn.

[jennycalendar]

“buffy wants a dad and giles hates himself so violently that he feels the ultimate act of paternal devotion is to refuse to be her dad” THANK YOU for reducing the parts of the early seasons esp that leave me screaming/crying/tearing my hair out/etc into an easily understandable statement. it's like. i love it in that its SO in character for the two of them that i can't imagine another way for them to be but also buffy wants it So Bad and my heart breaks for her and. AGH.

yeah and to elaborate on this thought: i am genuinely convinced that giles thinks buffy understands what he is doing. i am one hundred percent certain that this man is looking at the situation and going -- she knows how fucked up it would be if i was her dad, right? she knows that if i was her dad, i would be sending her out to die, and that would kill me, right? she knows that if i acknowledge her as my daughter, i would be instantly fucking pulling her out of this fight, because she doesn't deserve to be here and we both know that, but What She Needs is someone who is going to encourage her to do what is right for the World and a parent can't do that in this situation. a parent will always put their child first. and so in his head, actively Not Being Buffy's Dad is the greatest possible mercy and the greatest act of devotion that he can give to her without shattering both of them and also the world.

but the tragedy of it is that giles does not understand the way buffy sees it, and the way buffy sees it is that every time she reaches out and asks for him to be there, he flinches back and tells her that she needs to be stronger than she is. and what she learns from that is that her desire for giles to protect and comfort her is something that makes him uncomfortable, and something that he expects her to grow out of. he doesn't approve of her wanting to be his kid, and doesn't like the idea of being her dad, and obviously she's the one who kind of sucks for wanting to force him into a role that he has no interest in stepping into, right? obviously that's what he thinks of her, right?

and it is made SO MUCH WORSE by the fact that giles obviously cares about buffy! you would have to be completely detached from reality to see the way giles treats buffy and not pick up on the compassion. but the message that buffy gets from the paired statements of “i don’t want to be your dad” and “i care so much about you and would lay down my life for you” is that giles cares about her but doesn’t like how much she cares about him. which is true. however, because buffy is buffy, instead of following this thread to “giles hates himself,” she jumps to “giles thinks i am just Too Much in general.”

#asks #buffy and giles #meta #IM FINE. #really though it's just. #giles loves buffy so much that he wants to remove himself from her life #and buffy loves giles so much & is CONVINCED that he resents her for it but is indulging her by not admitting to it

[liquidstar]

Ok so, I have only ever watched one episode of Adventure Time, and it was on a hotel room TV, in terrible hindi dub, and I barely remember it on account of being 10(?) but it horrified me.

I remember the MCs trying to get Ice King a girlfriend or something, but he keeps being a gross asshole so they take him to a lake and point at some swans to try and explain love to him. They point to two swans kissing like ':D' and he's like 'ewww' and then the male swan suCKS IN AND EATS THE FEMALE and IK's like ':)))' while the boys stare in horror.

IDR how the episode ended or how much I watched, but I remember thinking 'wow american cartoons are hardcore. I'm sticking to pirated pokemon from now on.'

And you are telling me that show had lesbians in it leter????

oh my god im so sorry but imagining you watching that swan scene as a 10 year old is so fucking funny, i can understand why you stuck with pirated pokemon LOL

adventure time is absolutely very fucked up in a lot of different ways. the early seasons leaned into that type of absurd shit you just described a lot more especially. while the later ones actually started getting more existential and building on the worlds lore.

there wasnt exactly a focused plot, per say. i mean, there was, but it wasnt something methodical and planned out, it was played by ear. and i think it really worked. the way they did it turned out a really cool magic system (based on the idea that reality is just collective perception, and magic users are aware of this and can manipulate perception ergo reality. but the more cosmic knowledge you have the more insane or depressed you become etc especially if youre mortal), and also cool world building (it takes place in a post apocalypse after a nuclear war, now far into the future the face of the earth has completely changed but the horrors unleashed still impact it today), and also a lot of really amazing themes (the world is always changing and nothing is ever permanent, but no matter how things change things also stay the same, in a different way. especially where bonds and love are concerned. everything stays.)

and YEAH there are lesbians (i mean i always hc marcy as bi but still). and they also come from the shows improvisational nature. theres a lot of genuinely really amazing relationships and plotpoints born out of that to me. like, as the show starts to get a lot more thematically dense later on it can seem like a weird shift. some ppl say it got pretentious over time bc its not as goofy (its still pretty goofy lol), but i think it worked... like... perfectly.

because its a coming of age story where the main character actually ages, it actually feels so right that the world around him begins to seem different too. it makes sense that when he was 12 we were doing stupid goofy adventures, when he was 15 we were watching him deal with a lot of really fucked up trauma, and when he was 17 we watched him learn to grow as a person who thinks beyond simple terms of good and evil.

i know im tottaaallly rambling at this point but theres really an insane amount to talk about with adventure time. the timeline alone is ridiculous. but mostly i think my passion comes down to the fact that i was also growing up with the story, always around the same age as the mc going through similar stuff... even now, the story is focusing on a depressed 20-something trying to find whimsy in her life again. and technically the last episode timeline-wise is about accepting death lol

so like idk how exactly id recommend it to a new viewer, its really possible that a lot of ppl wont be able to really tolerate the early seasons as adults (i mean, i think theyre charming, but i have nostalgia goggles lol). that being said i think that its a series totally worth a shot for everyone... eventually. if it sounds interesting you just gotta accept the goofiness at first and trust that youre in for something wild in a totally different way later on. and totally unique and cool and special in a way nothing else has really been able to capture for me since.

TL;DR: no yeah the show was incredibly fucked up and that swan did eat that other swan. but it does have themes and also lesbians.

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

i saw ur post abt black star right after reading it and I'd love for u to elaborate lol my biggest problem w it was Akira disliking/not forgiving akechi... like i know it was written before royal and im not even THAT big of a shuake shipper but reading akira as anything other than in love with akechi is just. Wrong. my only other problem w it was how it treated prison like the only other option for akechi besides death, and anyway akechi would have chosen death regardless. It's crazy how both of those huge flaws were disproven in royal and how they're most likely the cause for fan misinterpretation today. still a good plot and i liked the other characterizations but like. the conclusion of akechi going to jail and akira supporting that above all is just so wrong

Oh yeah Akira's feelings toward Akechi were a huge reason why I had to dnf, easily one of the worst aspects by far. And it sucks because otherwise Akira's characterization was SO good. OP understood him but they did not understand Akechi and that extended to Akira, sadly.

And yeah, the jail thing is both baffling and Bad. Akechi does not need to go to jail. Can we please stop believing in punitive justice even when it makes no sense. Akechi doesn't even get what he deserves anyway because he doesn't go on trial for most of his crimes (like, you know, the murder) and then he gets off easy getting to join the shadow ops months into his sentence. After all that set up about him needing to get what he deserves/justice being served only for that to Very Much Not Happen. Because if Akechi DID get what he "deserved" under our justice system he'd get life in prison at best. It's hypocritical.

Possibly my biggest gripe other than the stupid insistence that Akechi go to jail is Akechi's characterization, though. It's alllll wrong. And like, to be fair, it was kind of impossible to know that it was wrong at the time because Royal hadn't come out yet. In black star Akechi is portrayed as absolutely, 100% unremorseful and gets angry at the idea of having to pay for his crimes. Which just. isn't. in character for him.

I kind of went into this with my recent post about Akechi and regrets, but there's another aspect this take on Akechi is completely missing. And that's Akechi and debts. He absolutely recognizes that what he did is wrong. He did it despite knowing it was wrong. But his reaction isn't going to be "how dare you suggest I turn myself in." It's going to be "I should be in jail already and I will do my best to repay my debts as far as I am able." Not in a guilty sort of way (at least outwardly), but a pragmatic one. There's a reason Akechi turns himself in for you, and it's not just about making Shido pay. It's about making things right, both to Joker and the world in general.

Akechi thinks of justice in extremely punitive terms. If you do wrong, you deserve to have wrongs done to you in turn. This applies to both others and himself. It's what leads him to his actions, and why he willingly sacrificed himself and then later turns himself in. It's why he hates the idea of being granted mercy in Maruki's reality. In his eyes, he doesn't deserve anything more than death and/or prison. He hurt people, and so now it's time for him to reap the consequences.

The author of black star has it completely backwards. Akechi's arc shouldn't be learning that he needs to face consequences. He wants to face consequences. He wants to die/go to jail because he thinks he's worthless and doesn't deserve anything better. That's his starting point of any post-canon arc. Giving him jail time is giving him exactly what he wants.

Personally, I think punitive justice as a concept is complete bullshit. I'm not gonna get into the nitty gritty of that here. But my point stands regardless--and whether you believe in punitive justice or not, objectively the more interesting direction to take an Akechi redemption is to force him to live life to the fullest. That is unironically the worst punishment you could give him. Force him to face the consequences of living when he thinks he should be dead, of going through the painful and difficult process of recovery, and being forced to interact with and reconcile with the people he hurt after acknowledging that hurt not pragmatically, but personally.

I don't want to read a story about Akechi learning to accept that he has to go to jail. it's stupid, out of character, and counter to my core values as a person. That's why I stopped reading black star. I want to see Akechi learning to live. To me, that is a far more in-character and interesting concept to explore.

#sera answers #anon #also you are extremely correct when you say akechi would have chosen death regardless lmao

[skinnytuna]

(i'm anon who replied to your long post about audience validation and art)

thank you for your response, it's very interesting. it's actually kinda funny because I used to be a person who never, ever shared anything I did with other people (online or in person). I wouldn't talk about the media I enjoyed or showed the drawings I made. it always felt too intimate - I was only doing it for myself and so having other people's eyes on it wouldn't add anything to my enjoyment apart from shame from not liking or creating the 'perfect' thing. if I imagined what I would do in the future, it was only from the perspective of what I would actually create, rather than the validation it would give me.

and then my world view flipped, I guess as I became increasingly exposed to online validation. I still dont share anything I make but if I (indulgently) daydream about creating something, it is rarely purely the process of creation that I think about. I cant separate the stuff I do and the response I would get like I could as a kid. this is probably partly because of watching numbers rise online. but maybe it could also just be the sad reality of transitioning into adulthood? when you are young the stuff you make is never going to get you shit. but when you are older, you are expected to view the world with a transactional slant: whatever you give, you must get back in return.

idk how into fandoms you are but I love them because they are a way to remove that dependence on transaction (both monetary and inter-personal validation) we have. obviously, fandoms mostly exist in an online world and so some people are going to be more successful at creating than others (and some people might even manage to make a tiny amount of money) but mostly they are pretty equal. most artists (fic writers/fan artists) are only creating for the sake of creation. they like something, want to improve it or want to explore a world and so they create. some fanfic writers will never get past 100 kudos on a single work, but they still write thousands and thousands of more words. this is because, for them, writing is a hobby and a way to have fun. they are literally unable to monetise it, and the possible size of a response is often limited by the tiny size of a niche fandom.

fan fiction is wholly and unapologetically amateur. it can be a great quality, but writers have the freedom to create imperfect things and learn as they go. there are no critics, book sales or best seller lists - you can just make shit and put it out there if you want.

idk if any of that made sense but yeah

it's funny you say that about adulthood because there are so many like. 13 year old rappers now who are solely in it for the money or dont understand why they are doing it and their parents are encouraging them to do it for the money so like. childhood for us was very different to what childhood currently is, right now this year.

but i personally cant remember a time when i wasn't desperate for validation like when i was playing guitar when i was 8 or 10 i still had that "i hope im good enough i want to be good enough without trying" feeling it's just the people i wanted to impress were like, authority figures. i wanted my guitar teacher to think i was cool. i wanted my moms friends to think i was funny. i'm still afraid of doing anything i haven't already learned how to do, writing is the first New thing i've attempted in maybe my entire adulthood.

it's kind of funny, when i was younger i didn't realize how bad i was at writing music and that's the only reason i stuck to it long enough to learn anything. i was like laughably bad at it in high school and no one really went out of there way to grab me by the shoulders and say "hey! you suck at this! stop!" though a bunch of people did tell me it kinda sucked. i mostly just thought they were wrong. they weren't. but now part of me doesn't believe i could ever be any good at something that isn't that. like when i write fiction i know on a cognitive level if it ends up being good it's not because i worked hard or earned it or anything it's just a complete fluke. and i don't even really believe people when they tell me it's good. even though obviously i'm only posting it so people will tell me it's good.

in a way i feel like i'm sort of shifting back to the way i was in high school... every piece of art i make im like "this is the best shit ever" and then i post it and if people tell me it sucks im like "lol. incorrect. your tastes are Unrefined" and then i keep making more whatever crap whatever. which honestly is the best way to live i think. i have some people in my life who really like, respect and admire that i make whatever the fuck i want without ever really considering whether or not i should. which is funny because i have a lot of people in my life who are like, Normal artists, who Think before they make something, and try to make Good Things and i envy them greatly because it really comes through in the work.

though obviously as an evil bastard communist i am a strong believer that "Bad" Art Is Radical and "Good" Art is Bourgeois Idealism and i find myself constantly torn between, the allure of timesinks and iteration and the mystique of hyperprolific stream of consciousness artists and i feel like i'm the worst of both worlds by not being fully one way or the other! but i guess not everyone can be Lil B and not everyone can be Frank Ocean and some of us need to sit in between those two extremes...

look at all this me talking about how i never stop and think about the art while i'm stopping and thinking about the art... i'm an Olympic level liar rn.

i've never read a fanfiction in my life (outside of like.. homestuck smut when i was fifteen. which i guess Technically Counts.) but as the form is widely derided i'm sure it has the most artistic merit of any thing. i think a lot about what a world would be like where money and art are completely unrelated. and all art exists completely separate from how much dollars it can make a corporation. would being popular even matter? would people still seek fame... complicated questions. Way if we pees form butts

#you better tell me who you are anon we better become friends

[thestobingirlie]

To add to to anon about Nancy's common sense or lack thereof in s4. Idk if it's on the Duffers but yet again Nancy just exhibits reckless behavior when investigating Chrissys murder. Like bfr you are writing for a high school paper, you have zero investigating journaling experience (aside from Murray) and you drag in another guy who has even less experience. What high school paper would also publish this article? It's literally about one of their students. The parents would probably sue them. Again I see people saying it's her trauma of needing to solve things fast because she failed Barb but still. She should have known better than to drag in another person, after what happened with Jonathan and them getting fired for all we know the high school could have suspended them if the article went through. It's like she doesn’t think about the bigger picture. I would love if that would be addressed in the show, that Nancy's tunnel vision is a negative trait she needs to unlearn because she caused so much hurt with it. But that would require the writers to acknowledge Nancy's lack of empathy as well. (Ppl claim Nancy talking to Wayne shows how she's such a sweet and caring person, when in reality she manipulated him to get her story and clues. She's very selfish which I love but I would like it even more if it was portrayed as a negative trait with consequences)

Then later after Vecna revealed his plan to Nancy, she shot everyone down (Steve and Eddie) who were like nope this plan sucks. Steve literally is their best fighter (with Hopper and El) if he has reservations the group should listen to him. Nancy's need to be right and not listening to others got us in this mess and I hope they address it and she can learn from it in s5. I hate when people say well Steve is just against everything, he doesn't care look how dismissive he is when in reality him putting a stop to things is him trying to keep the group save. Besides Steve, nobody really has common sense, they are smart nerds but they need people like him who can strategitize. I mean he was captain of the basketball team and swim team, he's a leader with good ideas.

Nancy also getting a gun instead of a flamethrower shows she doesn't have common sense. When did her guns help anyone? In s3 in the cabin it was Lucas and Jonathan who got El out from the Mindflayers grip and she couldn't disable the car. It's established since s2 the Mindflayer/Vecna hates heat, guns don't do anything only buy you some time. And I hate that Nancy's moment of shooting Vecna was framed as the most iconic and important moment in vol2, when it was Steve and Robin who lit him up and did the most damage. Without that they would have been dead. Nancy saw him covered in vines primary to that moment, she should know vines especially don't care about bullets, if Vecna has them as his body armor why tf would she use the gun.

yeah, it is funny that she investigates a murder as if she’ll be able publish it in the school paper, and she lies to wayne about who she is, saying she works for a ‘small paper’. girl, you’re in journalism club.

i definitely think she feels like she has to solve it because of barb, though honestly i don’t really understand why she drags fred along. like, she doesn’t know chrissy’s death has anything to do with the upside down, and she seems to bin fred off pretty quickly to talk to wayne. and i would’ve thought that after last season she would’ve decided she was better off investigating alone. she doesn’t even seem to like fred much, why bring him along?

i definitely think that would’ve been a better story line, that nancy decides to work alone, and realises that you just can’t do this kind of stuff alone, and that she does need people. because nancy’s development relies on her making friends, so why cut her further away from others when she could have a realisation that she needs steve and the kids. instead the duffers just killed off another teen in close proximity to her to make her feel guilty.

yeah, nancy totally gets tunnel vision and is selfish, which is a super interesting character trait, if it were acknowledged!

the way steve literally said it was a shit plan, and then they ended up losing. but will that be acknowledged? no.

but yeah, steve was a team captain, he should be good at delegating and deciding the risk of things, and i don’t think it makes sense that nancy should be in charge of a group. in the same way that i wouldn’t put murray in charge of a group. nancy is smart, but like you said earlier, she gets tunnel vision, she struggles to recognise a situation outside of her own opinions. she’s not the most empathetic, and i think she often cares more about being right than other people feelings, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not a great personality trait for a leader.

i’m so tired of the gun thing. it never works! it’s used to try and make nancy look badass and then she never even kills anything! everyone else has to do the killing while she shoots her useless guns. lucas literally chopped the mind flayer with a fucking axe, but people only ever care about nancy with a shotgun in her arms. give her a fucking flamethrower, that’d be awesome.

#nancy wheeler critical #steve harrington #stranger things #asks #anon

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

latest antikataang take katara has to teach aang how babies are born proving he's far to immature for her in the real world it would be gross. how can people not understand that katara is far to old for aang.. . nevermind in 6th grade 12 year olds are usually in sex ed class learning about the human body (at least thats when i had sex ed) but to this day as a woman i have no idea how the birthing process goes either and as someone who had crushes on younger boys im so tired of antis screeching about 2 years being creepy/gross with kataang they act like katara is 40 and aang is 2 and treat someone like me as if i was a creeper when my crushe was only 2 years younger than me. im so sick of these guys their takes are supposively based on false real world standards while ignoring that in reality zuko is in juvy /maybe prison?? for invading kataras home/village/ burning down another village/ kidnapping katara/sokka/aang/ /hiring an assisaan to kill a 12 year old.

using real world to prove a point that your ship is better is pure nonsence.. in a show a bout people bending elements.. esp when you ignore everything zuko did in the show would end up with him in jail in the real world.

im tired of these people so damn tired.

"Real world" my ass. I don't know if the whole "12-year-olds are innocent little babies" it's just americans being americans, but it sure reeks of it. A pre-teen is not the same as a baby for God's sake. I had some veeeery basic notion of how reproduction worked when I was around 8-9, and I got some pretty detailed sex-ed when I was ten. Sure, I was too young to even be interested in sex, but I still knew what it was and how it worked.

Most 12-year-olds are NOT "innocent", because that's literally the point in life in which you have hormones coming out your ears. Yet most would still have a G-rated romance like Kataang, even with someone 2 years older, not because of "immaturity" or for not knowing sex is a thing, but because BOTH of them are still just kids.

These people talk about Katara like she's in her 20's and the babysitter Aang had a crush on, which is ridiculous.

They were peers. They were friends. The age-gap between them is literally the same as the one between Zuko and Katara. And while Katara is clearly at a point in which she feels attracted to boys (Aang very much included, no matter how Zutara fans love pretend that's not the case), nothing suggested she is at a stage where she is already thinking "I'd like to have sex with that guy."

Once again, it's projecting. The people who say that likely had pretty intense crushes on Zuko (which is normal), so when they saw the "main girl" not only showing zero interest in him, but also demonstrating her attraction towars her actual love interest in a way that didn't involve a forbidden romance, non-stop bickering (or straight up ugly fights), and a TON of teenage lust, they just couldn't accept it. Because it wasn't something that resembled their pre-teen fantasies.

The fact that Zuko was constantly sucking face with Mai and was even subtly implied to have had sex with her in Nightmares And Daydreams must have made them sooooo mad too. Like, yeah, Zuko is already interested in doing more than just holding hands and making out (pretty normal since he is 16/17). He is just not interested in doing that with KATARA, just like she never had any interest in him.

#anti zutara #pro maiko #pro kataang

[rotationalsymmetry]

Ok, you know what? I do 100% agree with the complainer there.

There is a widespread genuine belief that health is largely under people's individual control and if you're not healthy it's because you're Doing Something Wrong. (This is an ableist belief.) Not everyone who shares posts about things people can do to help with their personal health believes that, but it's also not obvious to anyone who doesn't see into anyone else's brain that people posting or reblogging that sort of thing DON'T believe that and logically, some people posting/reblogging are doing so BECAUSE they believe that nobody will be sick for long if everyone just does the right thing.

There is especially a predominant culture on the mental health recovery/positivity regions of tumblr that recovery is possible for anybody and that a positive attitude is a necessary and helpful condition for recovery.

3 this bleeds over into victim blaming really easily and is hella discouraging for people who don't have a realistic prospect of recovery (or think they don't) including I gotta say for people who have non-mental health shit that they don't expect to recover from and it's annoying as hell. And you know what? I've had lifelong mental health issues and while they're overall better than they have been in the past, that doesn't mean I've "recovered" it means I've learned how to live with my fucked up brain better. In spite of the fact that I keep running into assholes who assume if I'm looking for more mental health resources I must be "at the start of my journey" ffs and this is ableist. The idea that people will get better quickly, inevitably, within a short period of time after they first start trying is ablist and just not based in reality.

4. there is also a culture that makes it almost impossible to talk about this -- have a dialog about this -- without being dismissed as being overly negative, having poor reading comprehension, or being told well of course this didn't mean you therefor your complaint is invalid and meaningless.

5. there may be a case to be made about when it is and isn't appropriate to disagree with other people's posts on social media, especially when you're not mutuals or otherwise some foundation of trust and basically liking each other. But nobody ime ever talks about it in these terms. They say "bad reading comprehension" (also ableist btw, some people actually do have poor reading comprehension mostly related to either difficulties with accessing education or medical conditions/disabilities that they don't control, and don't expect to see an improvement in that any time soon, and could use some patience and understanding around that and not "you suck for having bad reading comprehension (and by implication just aren't trying hard enough to be abled)" and yeah I get nobody really thinks that the people they're accusing of "bad reading comprehension" can't help it but even if that is the case there's a lot of collateral damage here) and argue that the responses are INCORRECT, factually and/or morally, not that whether the response is right or not it's impolite. This is not a useful fault analysis because people generally don't say things that they think are factually or morally incorrect. so the message that comes across is "you can call someone ableist or whatever if other people think you're right, but not if they think you're wrong" which kind of implies that the nature of oppression can accurately be arrived at by sort of polling what most people think? Which is clearly not correct.

treat people like people dammit.

#This is about the same post I reblogged ratlier but I'm not going to keep reblogging it because I'm pretty sure that is obnoxious as hell #People always keep coming back to power and social shaming is a manifestation of power #You cannot tear down the master's house using the master's tools #And you cannot create a just society by using tools of power to determine who gets the last word #You have to actually listen and realize you might be wrong and stuff

[just-alish]

MR14.2024 - How I revived the way I see English and Why I suck at life.

That one's a pretty long read, go ahead and pop in a tune while you're at it, yeah? - 1997 by Småland.

Despite considering myself a sloppy son of a bitch, soon to suffer the wrath of capitalism induced hunger, for the longest time I had this skill of mine that spiked among the others and kept me sane - my English. Here, down in Central Asia it is saddeningly common for people not to know basic English. That is what I think made me stand out in school and is what even now helps me out in uni.

And I’m not saying that I ever was a boy genius. God forbid. In my book, lil’ me just so happened to take interest in the World Wide Web, in which English spoken content was like a treasure trove, levels more appealing in contrast with the grey Russian media of the time. I can thank my iCarly obsessed sisters for introducing me to the concept of filming something and sharing it to strangers online.

It always seemed logical that content made in English is, by rule, superior in quality than the local counterparts. And for some reason, it just seemed like the niche that was there for me to explore. An ever-spreading ocean of sparkling online knowledge, unavailable to the ones around me, for the lack of interest in breaking and overcoming the language barrier, which in reality, is far simpler than it seems.

That is what I consider to be the icky, tricky side of committing yourself to a language most people around you don’t know - you may often make yourself way too alien for many to relate to.

I like to think that English is what shaped me and made my social circle full of interesting people. There was a neat period of my life, when it was lovely to spread the good word of the western media by sharing memes, films, and videos with classmates of mine who listened and liked the stuff I showed.

But, that is also what trapped me in the aforementioned circle.

In order to max out my English, I had to sacrifice my Kazakh, which sort of ruined my social life and has been actively affecting my grades since elementary school. I suppose I simply never noticed how I gradually have made myself more and more distant, enough for my peers to seemingly have a culture different to mine.

I struggled with connecting with new people, and having casual conversations with both close and new friends began growing more challenging, for the simple fact that they were not as terminally online as I am, therefore having their sense of humor not as influenced by brainrot content as mine is. I frequently stumbled over a convoluted idiom, which understandingly made no sense to their ears, referenced memes they never even heard of. The general incompatibility of interests did not make things better for sure.

So, I unconsciously made it my mission to localise my speech, which I believe only made things worse for me. Trying to understand English in order to dumb it down has only killed my passion for it. By speaking “clearly” I lost contact with a funny little British voice in my head that filled my routine with time for silly voice-acting and… kept me alive. As a guy who’s self-image heavily relies on his tool he uses to connect with his world, It felt crushing to seemingly realize my English skills were dull and deteriorating.

It stopped me from further practicing, because I repel stress like a bitch, opting for escapism and ignorance instead. The same escapism that made me the pathetic man I am today.

I am ending this post with a cliffhanger by letting you know that my “mother tongue” is kindly coming to bite me in the ass if I won’t put in the effort to learn it and will probably negatively hit my grades, risking my summer scholarship alongside my chances for a good future.

It’s all no fun. Sucks to be me. My heart aches. My chest sinks and I feel like eating rocks.

#blog #dear diary #vent post #english #language #e

[marshmallowprotection]

Ray and Suit assuming I'd be angry about my circumstances... I can only imagine how shocked either would be if I told them that, far from being angry... I'm fine with all of it? Not happy about it per se but... like if I had a chance to go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I have some cool stories, cool scars, and I wouldn't be who or where I am today without everything that's made me, me. Yeah it sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day I'm still here and I'm content with where I am.

I wonder if they'd think I was just lying 😅 I think Suit would straight up call me a liar (or an airhead) before leaving to continue his on-going existential crisis.

It's no problem! It's always good to discuss things that most people don't think about. It helps those readers who don't comment or talk with me who might need to hear the validation.

Yeah, while we cycle through the process of grief about these things, eventually, you reach a point where you're okay. You might not be all that happy every day, but you adapt, make peace, and get used to it as time passes. It gets a little easier when you give it time and find a way to adjust. Sure, things aren't perfect, but you get used to it and that's a part of life. This is a part of your identity. Love it, hate it, and be stumped by it as you might be?

It's part of what makes you, you.

Ray aches for you. He would be angry on your behalf until you sit down and talk about everything with him. He hates seeing you in horrific pain of any caliber, and not being able to make it go away quickly is hard for him. But, he'll adjust... he'll learn how to react to what you're feeling the best way you need with a little guidance. It's just that period of denial and guilt over not being able to help that'll hurt him.

He wants to feel what he assumes you're too nice to feel... give him a gentle talk about that. His hands against yours will feel too gentle to the touch because he's afraid to break you or hurt you... grab him and make sure he knows you're not breakable

Whereas, yes, Suit Saeran wants you to be angry. He assumes you're angry with everyone and anything around you that might've caused it to happen. He's angry about where he is in life... he's supposed to be that way... right? Shouldn't you be? Aren't you angry? Why aren't you angry with the world? Why won't you break like he did? Why? He can't take this reality... he gets angry at everything fast. He's confused and lost... and it's hard to imagine that his anger will never outweigh your feelings.

What he needs is that apology conversation where he touches your aching hips with tentative hands, and whispers his apology since he now understands he should've learned from you instead of screaming at you. May he ease your pain a little after fucking up, if only enough to make your tears stop, he prays. (you're crying for him, not because of chronic aches.)

#ask #pastelsapphy #mod kait #suit saeran #saeran choi #ray choi #character analysis

[the-writing-mobster]

| What Do You Want? | Revised Chapter 14 Excerpt |

🫀

With a bitter sigh, she took a long look at the letter, put the contents to memory. Do the dishes. The laundry. The animals. The plants. 

And then she ripped it in half.

Right down the middle, and nothing had ever felt so cathartic. 

But, as she turned around, she caught Sans leaning against the entrance, watching her, and she flinched. 

She quickly turned away from him with a nervous breath and shoved the two pieces of the letter in her pocket, shivering as she looked for an excuse to escape his glare. 

God, why was she so impulsive? It was like she'd never learned even after years of being beat up and spit on. If she looked in the mirror and saw her younger self staring back, would she be able to tell the difference? 

The thought made her give a wry laugh. 

"Something funny?" he murmured.

She looked at him with a hardened twinkle in her eyes. “No.” 

He sucked in through his teeth and clicked his tongue almost in disappointment. 

When he said nothing but continued to stand in the doorway, she let out a frustrated sigh.

"What is it, sir?" She asked coldly. It wouldn't be long before she would be out of their grasp. Papyrus's blessing or not.

Sans rolled his eyes and gave a sardonic grin. "Nothin… you're just interesting, I guess," he said with a shrug.

Her body went stiff and she stared hard at the chinaware displayed in a glass case.

Anything to keep herself from looking at him. 

"What do you mean by that?" She fumbled with her hands and rubbed the sides of her thigh.

What was he going to do? She couldn't tell if he was trying to apologize, trying to intimidate her or trying to… she didn't know. 

"I dunno. You're just… you're such an enigma. And I can't seem to ever put my finger on you… I didn't," he scoffed with laughter as he battled with his words. She glanced at him from under her thick lashes and he sighed. "I didn't do anything last night, did I? Because you knew when I got back and—" 

"—Oh no! No, I just, I was… I was also awake." She tried to ignore his musings about her, the implication that she was a constant topic on his mind.

It wasn't comforting.

How did he think of her? Disgusting creep. Probably either wants to fuck me or kill me. We'll be out soon.

He looked away and shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. He looked nervous, like he wanted to say something but didn't exactly know how to phrase it.

Or if it was worth saying. 

"Can't sleep?"

She stared down at her feet as he tossed the question at her. 

"I guess… I mean, I haven't been able to sleep for a while."

No thanks to you asshole.

Sans sighed and nodded with understanding. "Yeah neither can I. You know what I do?" He asked as he rubbed his forehead.

I don't care. 

"What?" Frisk paced away from him, the torn list of chores burning a hole in her back pocket.

He eyed her; she was a puzzle he didn't have all the pieces to. It infuriated him... but was oh, so alluring. Why her? Of all people why was it her who confounded him so much? Left him reeling and clawing at himself for answers. 

"Well, I climb out onto the roof and look at the wishing stones. I wallow in self pity for a little bit and then I go back inside. I don't know. Maybe that's something you'd want to give a shot," he said softly.

She felt her soul flicker and she bit her lip as they stared each other down.

That dark gaze.

Those black holes that sucked her in and didn't ever let her go...

Why was he doing this?

What did he want?

She could only gaze upon the abyss for so long before she needed to come back to earth. She blinked and broke the stare. When she landed back in reality, she scowled.

"The Beatles?”

 When he shot Frisk a puzzled look, she continued, "You… last night, you came to my door, knocked, and then slipped a Beatles vinyl album underneath. And then you left," she said.

He searched his memory, but sighed with defeat when he found nothing. 

"I uh... Hah, what?” he asked with a small chuckle as he shook his head at himself. 

Frisk hid her amusement at the situation with a raise of her brows. She almost mentioned her theory about him listening to her on the interview but bit her tongue. 

Sans shrugged. “I... must've... Yeah, fuck if I know,” he said with a small scoff and Frisk nodded along. 

Yeah. Fuck if he knew. 

He eyed her, his face etched with something unknown before he gestured behind him with a jab of his thumb and a whistle. “Listen um... Thanks for stepping in there kid. Things could've uh... they could've gotten ugly. Now, I guess I should get goin.” 

She nodded curtly and waved him off. 

Watched with bated breath as he stepped into the shadows. As he tapped the wall and turned back to her. A coil of anxiety curled through her stomach like razor wire with every move he made. 

Sans gave a languid grin and nodded to her. “Hey... you should check out Snowed Inn... Don't worry about what Papyrus says," he said as he made his way to the mudroom.

Frisk's lips betrayed her when she let a smile slip past her defenses. 

“Oh? And what if I finally run away?” she asked boldly, almost to test him and see if this strange softness would shatter once his power was challenged. 

But he just chuckled softly to himself and rolled his eyes. “Well, then I guess I'd stop you, Moxie,” he teased, and Frisk felt like she was losing her mind because the usual threatening hiss of his voice was gone. 

Her lips pursed and she swayed on her heels.  "Goodbye," she called meekly. 

He did not say goodbye back. 

She told herself she preferred that. 

 .

.

.

#underfell #wdyw #fanfic #underfell sans #underfell frans #underfell frisk #frans #frisk x sans #sans x frisk #underfell sans x frisk #underfell frisk x sans #chapter revamp #REVAMP #eeeeee #also Doug's scene a lil different too 👀 #go check that out~

[essentiallykpopandbl]

I kind of just sat silently after watching the episodes of To My Star 2 today. I was crying, in awe, and digesting what had just happened in the show. Then i had to work. And now i have a lot that I need to say about it. So strap in, this will get long.

I see a lot of people being angry over Jiwoo and his choices. I will admit, I have wanted to smack him once or twice for how harsh he is toward Seojoon. But I want to talk about the importance of a character like Han Jiwoo being portrayed on screen. This man has a lot of self worth, self love, and trust issues. And I mean LOTS of them. These are a lot of the same issues many people struggle with. Am I enough? Do I deserve love? Why does this person love me? How do I love them back? Will this end painfully? How do I make this hurt less? And all of them are valid questions and issues. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve Seojoon, or that he isn't enough, but it is ok for him to have those questions. It is part of life, it's part of learning about ourselves and making ourselves better. He is not any less deserving just because he has these concerns. I think that is why it is so important that we see this character on screen. This needs to be represented more. We talk a lot about representation on screen and I think it is just as important to show these mental and emotional struggles as well. I know there are people that don't want to see this realistic and sad reality on screen, and I get it. The world sucks enough. But I think showing these struggles help people understand others and realize they are not alone.

What this show has done so well is forced us to watch this story play out through Seojoon's eyes. Before today, we have not been able to understand Jiwoo. We heard his words and the anger he put into them and saw the blank expression he always tried to give Seojoon, but we were confused by the look in his eye, or the protective traits he keeps using. We knew Jiwoo was in love because he still catches things before they hit the ground, protects the person next to him from people on the street even if it isn't Seojoon, follows Seojoon with his eyes.... oh yeah, and licks the blood off his face and kisses the hell out of him. But his actions didn't match his words, and since Seojoon felt confusion and whiplash, the audience did as well. Only when the point of view shifts do we see the emotion behind the actions. We begin to understand just how alone Jiwoo felt. That he told himself the love he has could never compete with the world's love for Seojoon. That their relationship was on borrowed time. That there is nothing more lonely then being afraid of the relationship you are in. And now the audience sees both sides, and that honestly hurts even more. That this isn't a problem that comes from a lack of love. And if that doesn't just rip my heart out and stomp on it.

So what now? Where do we go from here? We have two characters that are currently very broken, with only 2 episodes to go. Seojoon is depressed and crying in the house he used to share with Jiwoo. Jiwoo is bawling reading old texts from someone he loves and realizing just how deeply Seojoon loves him. Some people want them back together. Some want them to stay apart. Some just wants some form of happiness for these two. And I don't really know where I fall in that spectrum. On one hand I sympathize with Jiwoo. That hand wants them to find happiness apart. Learn to love themselves and find peace with what happened between them. But the other hand sides with Seojoon. That hand wants Jiwoo to realize that his insecurities were the reason this feel apart and he should apologize for leaving. They can trust in their love and find happiness together. But it is in Hwang Da Seul's hands and I just hope she is kind to my heart and tear ducts.

Regardless of what happens, I don't think it ruins the happy ending of the first season. We are watching short periods of time in their lives. At the time of the first season, they fell in love and were happy. They were helping heal each other. But that might not last. It does not change the fact that they did fall in love. It is easy to fall apart, it is a lot harder to put ourselves back together. This could all just be part of the journey they have to go on to heal. Would I have liked to see a whole season of these two smiling, in love, and living a wonderful life..... of course I would. But what we got instead was an amazingly acted beautifully directed exploration of a painful love story. I cried a lot (which is no surprise) but I am so glad to have experienced this. Good luck to Seojoon and Jiwoo next week. May you both find the happiness within you.

#to my star #to my star 2 #hwang da seul #jiwoo and seojoon #wow that got soooo long #i just have so many feelings about this show #why do some shows do this to me #i dont blame you if you dont read this whole thing #korean bl #the season is SAD