#Who Wants To Pay For My Therapist For That Or Am I Just Fucked Forever Basically

[stellacadente]

so like having memory issues sucks sooo bad

i lost 2 umbrellas in like. 2 or 3 weeks maybe a month (you guessed it i can't really remember. passage of time is so hard) bc it rains, i use this neat little umbrella.... put it down at the bus stop just for a second so i can get something from my backpack and completely forget i ever had it and hop on the bus without my neat little umbrella! fuck! my mum bought me this one (i didn't lose the previous one tbf.. it broke)! so then a couple of weeks later, still without an umbrella bc yeah, i keep forgetting to buy a new one, i have to be out all day, and it's raining hard and will all day, so my mum offers to give me her umbrella. she doesn't really need to walk or anything today anyway. i'll give it back later. yeah right. except i enter the place where i have to take my driving license quiz, i put down my umbrella, right there at the entrance, and when i walk out later it's not raining and i have completely forgotten i ever had an umbrella with me. my mum's umbrella. which i leave there. bye bye to another umbrella. i tell my mum a few hours after i realize... i was scared she'd get mad. she gets mad. how can you forget this stuff all the time. just think about these things a little more. just pay more attention. ah. right. as if that's easy. i tell her! it's not easy! i feel awful about this, i feel awful every time! i'm frustrated. i want her to understand i don't do this bc i don't care about my or other people's things or don't pay attention to them. i tell her look, every time i get to work i go upstairs to refill my water bottle. then i get coffee and/or chat with coworkers. i put my water bottle down, i need my hands to get coffee. and every time. every. time. i go downstairs and realize i left my water upstairs. i curse myself, i groan, i tell myself come one nico, you must remember later/tomorrow. i almost never do. my mum sighs and laughs awkwardly. yeah, mum, i know, i'm not even 30 and my memory's already fucked. i must have some problem, i say. it's only half a joke. i know i do. she half-jokes too, oh that's for sure, haha. i just don't know which one the many problems i do in fact have are to blame for this. is it the abuse and trauma? the bpd that was the result of it? the many meds i've taken for the bpd and all the rest? the times i've abused those meds? all of those, something else? i don't know. i just know it's hard to feel like everything, from memories to objects to knowledge, is a second away from being lost to me. always. few things feel like they last. and as a person who's obsessed with forever, as a person who loves to learn and know and watch and read and listen, as a person who cares even too deeply sometimes... i feel like i lost myself every day. if myself even exists. what am i when i don't remember most of my life? when i've forgotten almost everything about people who mean the world to me, bc they've been gone for so long? i forget birthdays, i forget ages, i forget umbrellas, i forget unloading the washing machine, i forget i already told you this, i forget smiles, i forget movies, i forget things i studied, i forget i had to call, i forget i needed to add something to the guidebook, i forget if i already took my med or not, i forget my favorite concert, i forget my favorite book, i forget. i forget again.

yesterday i went on a rant on the discord server i'm in with my friends, even if i knew it wasn't likely anyone would see it, bc the server's not very active now and that channel especially, no one looks at it. but i was so so scared i'd forget what happened the other day and even worse would start doubting whether it all happened for real or i made up half of it to make up for voids in my memory. that happens often with stuff like that. the therapist i had my first appointment with was very weird about me being trans and i kept thinking about it and feeling bad and the more i think something over, something i'm upset about, the more i get scared that i'm not recalling things right. so i had to write it all down somewhere other people could, even just potentially, see, and i could look back on. i mean yeah, i also did need to talk about it, so it would've been nice if someone read and replied too, but it's okay, i just at least needed to put it down in words as soon as possible.

i guess i'm just scared it'll get worse and worse the more i age and it's already pretty bad now and yeah

#i'm not back from my break but #i need to talk somewhere rn bc yeah #and also i need to stay awake long enough for digestion to like. happen. properly #and i'm soooo fucking tired i had the longest most tiring day ever and i'm literallyyyy hurting everywhere i just wanna lie down and sleep #but alas i ate 20 minutes ago #y'all don't have to read all that if you don't want to lmao <3

[big-boah]

Disability Pride month is almost over, and I wanted to share my story about my own experiences with disability.

I have autism, ADHD, TBI, PTSD, deafness, and a few others! 🤟

Under the cut:

Here's my story:

When I was born, the doctors gave my mom drugs to cause contractions because I was sleeby and very late, and it wasn't until my mom almost died that they found out I was in the wrong position and couldn't be born naturally, while also being choked by the cord. (I was covered in bruises until I was like, 2.) I sustained a mild TBI from that and I was lucky I guess, because it could've affected me differently. (My mom also didn't know she was pregnant for a while and both parents had/have substance abuse issues. I had a rough start lol)

As a kid, I started reading and speaking very early, but I would only talk about things that I cared about/infodump. I clearly had attention problems--I couldn't focus on something unless I was absorbed by it. I had meltdowns because of sensory issues regularly. I also had a speech impediment and a weird accent that I got speech therapy for for a year.

My parents were told I was likely autistic when I was about 5 or 6, as I would only show 2 emotions: unabashed joy, and meltdowns. Otherwise I just...look angry lmao. I went through a lot of bullying in school and ended up being diagnosed with depression with generalized anxiety disorder by the time I was 11.

I've always had horrible coordination issues/apraxia/dyspraxia and I still struggle with it daily. I've broken so many bones y'all 😅

I was diagnosed with autism and suspected ADHD when I was 13 and again my parents did nothing with that. The school offered services because I was struggling, even though we were a low-income family in a small low-income school with grades K-12 in one building they did what they could to help. I was in special education classes as well as advanced classes at the same time until high school when I switched to all advanced/college level classes. One therapist at school helped me learn ASL to deal with the speech generation issues and I am forever grateful for that.

I've been writing stories since I was 6-7ish and writing to communicate was my favorite. By the time I was in middle school I learned to mask, and I studied people and psychology obsessively so I could understand why people did things. I didn't have any friends until this time although I did try (but no one else wanted to pretend to be a dog or a mage or play DBZ with me, well fuck you too! 😜)

My parents tried to get me to be normal so they forced me to join a sport when I was 8. An dyspraxic 8 year old playing softball lmao. I hated it. My dad wound up coaching the team 2 years in, because I was getting bullied BY THE OTHER DAD COACHES hahaha. I was forced to do that for 7 years.

I joined the bowling team in middle school of my own accord, and ended up being like the "backup team" where it was literally 3 of us from the special ed class 😂but I loved it! I got to hang out and bowl and everyone was really supportive there. I made some good friends for the first time.

My parents forced me to get a job and pay rent starting on my 15th birthday and of course I started working at the mall, on Black Friday, in retail. I am great at masking in very short bursts, literally just acting a script, and this is why I only feel comfortable leaving the house if I'm in character 😅So job interviews have never been too difficult thankfully. I had to get out of the whole abusive house situation ASAP so I started full time at an auto shop on the corner of my street the same time I started college, bought a used 2-door black Pontiac Grand Am from some guy on Craiglist with my own money, and moved out when I turned 17. I moved in with my best friend at the time who was also autistic, into a house we were renting from a friend's mom who was in the military.

I started experiencing chronic pain around this time, and had my first Meniere's flare up the first month of college. I was diagnosed with Meniere's at 18 as well as migraines, but my dad and grandfather had the symptoms start around the same age and they were never diagnosed, it was just considered "genetic hearing loss." Basically I have flare ups where I get too dizzy to sit up and my ears go out completely, then when they open back up it's never the same as it was before the flareup. It's been 10 years of this and I'm completely deaf in my left ear and half deaf in my right ear. I wear hearing aids and without them I can't really understand sound, and because of the nerve damage I usually can't tell where sound is coming from when I hear it, which is...an experience lol.

When I was 23, I woke up one day with a huge blind spot (scotoma) in the center of my left eye. I still can't see out of it. I started having other nerve issues in other parts of my body, they did a bunch of tests and found significant weakness in my legs which were also spasming, and all that improved over a year. I am still in the "we have no idea" zone for MS, after MRIs showed possible lesions but it would explain a lot. 🤷🏻‍♂️They told me it could be fibromyalgia or a virus too, but who knows at this point. Just a lot of inflammation.

I personally think a whole lot of this is caused by burnout. The timing is suspicious...

When I was 25 (2019) the nerve issues came back with a vengeance and it corresponded with an extremely stressful job situation. I went through the same tests, which were all inconclusive, again. I have extreme pain in my hands, hips, and feet during these flareups where I can't walk at all or sleep or move, and my ankles will go so numb I get drop foot in both feet and have to wear braces. 😅Eventually the nerve inflammation heals and it takes a few months, but its never the same after.

During this time I also experienced a mental health crisis, SI, and a rapid decline in executive/cognitive functioning due to burnout, because I'd been working full time for 8ish years at that point and autistic burnout is a real thing. I haven't really recovered from that honestly. Which makes work and being alive change to "Expert Mode" from "Hard".

In April 2021, I fell in the shower and sustained a skull fracture w/ moderate TBI. I am much more emotional now than I was before the TBI, my memory is worse, and my migraines have been worse since.

I can't shower unsupervised anymore. I can't do most things unsupervised except work and drive. (I may have issues, but I have always been a damn good driver! I honestly think it's because I played Grand Turismo with my dad's pedal and brake set on PS 1 for years!)

Even before all of that stuff, I knew I could never live alone. I've always lived with friends who knew my situation, and I moved in with my husband 2 weeks after we met and we've been living together since. (10 years now!) I can't do a lot of stuff like cook or use scissors or lift heavy stuff, and I have meltdowns where I will hurt myself without meaning to, it's just always been that way. I can't go out on my own either except for short trips like appointments, due to the fact that I will completely dissociate when I'm overstimulated and my brain function just ceases to exist. I get stuck often (autistic catatonia).

I am now 28 and I'm hanging on to full time work by my last thread. I am grateful I work from home doing software support, but any kind of full time work gives me burnout, which turns into inflammation and physical stress, which makes work harder, etc, it's a lovely spiral! Therapy has been helping me a ton. I've been in all kinds of therapy of my own accord over the last 10 years, and I currently work with an occupational therapist and a therapist who specializes in neurodivergent adults with PTSD.

Without working full time I can't afford therapy and my long list of meds that keep me functional (I can't work without a VERY delicately balanced cocktail of stimulants, benzos, hormones, antidepressants, and THC. I absolutely HATE this with a passion, if I didn't have to work full time, I wouldn't need all the drugs.) There's going to be a day where I wake up and cannot work anymore, and it'll be sooner than later. When that day comes, we'll just have to move to somewhere less expensive and/or back with our wonderfully toxic families. /s

(That's what being disabled in America is like when you're white and have "level 3 autism" and come from a low-income family with many substance abuse problems.)

My husband is neurodivergent too, he's autistic and has ADHD. He can't mask his stimming much, and he's not very smooth socially (its adorable) but he doesn't have the executive function difficulties I do and he does not have apraxia, we're all different! I always get "fake mad" at him because he does things so perfectly the first time, like making the bed or baking or even wiping something off I'm like whoa 👀. It makes me ANGRY 😠/s.

Whatever, he's lucky he's cute.

I can't end anything on a depressing note so I will say that I've grown a lot as a person just in the last 2 years especially since the PTSD diagnosis, and my relationship with my partner is a miracle and I don't believe in that stuff. He has always helped me with everything, selflessly, since day 1. (He's the reason we haven't had to hire any outside help yet, he does the supervising and I don't mind one bit! 🥰)

Writing has always been a very cathartic activity for me, and I started doing a journal "as Vegeta" as a way to help my anxiety. Those journals are being stitched together into my fic on AO3 called "Chances" (linked!) which is goofy self-projecting fanfiction but Vegeta and Goku's characters are literally just me and my husband, 1:1. 😂He learned ASL for me, and we always have a blast in our little corner of the world. Our entire mission in life together is to just have the best time possible, responsibly, because life is short.

But yeah that's my disability story! I can't write anything short so if you made it to the end, here's a cookie 🍪and 🤟. If you're my internet friend, maybe this will help you get to know me better!

#actually autistic #autistic adult #actually adhd #semiverbal #semispeaking #deaf #late deafened #disability pride month #actually disabled #personal #my story #dan posts #tbi #ptsd #complex pstd

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

How do I get rid of my envy?

This afternoon there was a report on tv about a young girl with a high iq, who had parents who supported her and she did amazing things as a child and was very fulfilled, you could really see that. And she reminded me of myself. I too have a high iq but it was discovered pretty late, so I got a scholarship on a private university but at that point I was mentally so ruined, that I couldn't graduate. I have very abusive but also distant parents, who left me with a did. I see this girl, who says out loud what I thought as a girl her age, and I can't stop thinking "why can't I be her?". I am 23 now so, I should be done crying about missed chances as a child. And, while I am usually a very empathy person, when I am hit with envy, I can't see further than my own issues. I have to force myself to be nice.

Envy is a very familiar feeling for me. I grew up very poor in a very rich city. And I always felt like "I deserved it more". Because I would appreciate it more. One example is, I always wanted to go horse riding, as a child. But we never had the money (and if, then my parents wouldn't have spent it on me). When I was 11, three of my classmates got their own horses for their birthdays. And they seemed so... uninterested. "Yeah, I got a horse for my birthday. Whatever." Or, I was using my birthday money to pay for flute lessons and always had to lend flutes. One day, the parents of a friend casually mentioned "Yeah, we bought our son (my friends brother) an expert-quality flute. We want him to start learning it and maybe this expensive instrument will motivate him." And ofc it didn't, he wasn't interested in it. There were some such situations.

I assume by now you see were my "I deserve it better" feeling comes from. And back then it was, kinda, valid. I was only envious when it seemed like, the person wasn't appreciating it enough. But that had switched. I don't begrudge people, who have what I want. But I am so fucking envious. And, since my mental health left me crippled, it is a lot that I am envious about. People with loving parents, who are healthy, who were able to graduate from university, who have a fulfilling job, a nice hobby etc pp. I missed out so many chances because of our poverty and later my mental health. And I know I will never be able to make up for everything I never had. Some chances are just lost.

It's not like I am all the time envious, because most ppl have loving parents. But when I hear a former classmate talk about how they love their job, I am. And I have a hard time saying "Good for you" though that's the truth. But I am too busy with my own envy. It kinda mixed with the hate you feel once you realize you've been abused and missed a lot of opportunities. But it isn't just that. I have those feelings seperated too.

How can I overcome this? It leads nowhere and hurts myself and makes me a bitter person. But it hits me so hard, it makes rationality so impossible and what to be rational about? Some people just aren't lucky and I am one of them? I just can't accept that some things are lost for me forever, I assume.

Hi anon,

You're definitely not alone.

Something my therapist tells me is to try to identify what specifically is causing those feelings of envy, and try to do some introspection and see if it's bringing up a past experience. I often find it's because there have been people in my life who look like that minimizing my trauma. So now when I see people who look like they did, I immediately think "they probably wouldn't understand, they wouldn't care" without actually knowing that.

This may not be effective for you, but I know it helps me to try and remember that you don't know what someone may be struggling with behind the scenes and could have had similar experiences as you. I find that it helps humanize them because we've been through difficult things, even the people you least expect. They may not have the exact same experience as you, they may have more privileges than you in some ways, but knowing that they understand your pain on some level can help normalize and neutralize those feelings. I even sometimes look back at my childhood home and feel guilty for being traumatized because I am somewhat well off. But in reality, the advantages that you or I may have don't trump the fact that we've been hurt too, you know?

I have faith that you'll overcome this. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

[golbrocklovely]

I fully agree with you, if he hasnt walked a mile in another person’s shoes, someone who hasnt had it easy, hasnt lived a life of privileged or had that cushion where he knew if he fucked up he could easily move back with mom and dad, then he has no right to tell people how it is and how its supposed to be based on what he’s read off self help books. Its not like he spent years helping malnourished children in a extremely poor part of the world and went “wow these people with so little still manage to be happy by doing this”, no he bought philosophy for dummies and ran with it.

Personally i think the people that preach the most like he does are trying to convince themselves they are happy, so they go on these rants and spiels trying to convince people it should be like this or that because that is how their life is currently like and because they really aren’t happy. Not to sound like a jerk because i’d kill to have that life where i can be my own boss, follow my own schedule, and my biggest headache is “i need to edit & film” and not “how the fuck am i going to pay rent”, but Sam is over here complaining about editing all the time and how “its starting to feel like work”, yeah im not gonna feel bad for you buddy when you’ve had the means to hire editors and a team, no one told you to disassociate from friends or move and buy A second mansion and just abandon the first one. His issues are rich people problems and for him to have the audacity to say we shouldn’t put all our joy into vacationing!!! When the majority of us cant afford to travel every other week like him is absurd.

The same way Colby gets called out for the littlest things, i WISH someone would call him out and tell him if he feels like ranting to go to a therapist first and then if he still can’t scratch that itch, to actually take the time to get out of his comfort zone and learn about people and society instead of being so generalized with his thinking.

i don't think he would have to go that far to understand struggle. but i do think weirdly he can come across with a lack of empathy. i think he genuinely cares, but i don't think he fully grasps how bad some ppl have it. hell, even i to some extent don't. but bc my lows have been deadly to some extent, i care for those who have struggled more than me, bc i could barely make it thru.

and you nailed it right on the head. i think internally he struggles to find himself, to find things that make him happy, and bc of that, he tries to project this air of "i'm so happy and you can be just like me if you follow along." and it's just… not realistic.

i personally believe that regardless of life circumstance, you can still bitch about how life feels. even they have bad days. my issue is that maybe venting to us isn't the best way to go about it. go vent to your influencer friends who understand you gripe. i will say tho, when they do complain, they also immediately follow it up with "but we don't really have all that much to complain about" so… win some lose some lol

but i do get your point that they could easily hire someone to help take the stress of editing out of their life, but instead don't forever whatever reason bc they want someone they can mold into the perfect editor for them.

side note, and not related to this at all, on xplrclub they talked about how they might be hiring this one editor who's gonna basically do sam's half (or at least help out with that half) and i'm just like…. WHY THAT HALF??? they bitch constantly that they don't want anything flashy that a lot of editors do now-a-days, so clearly they want control on the back end of the editing. why not just hiring someone to cut the video up and make it make sense, and then the two of them can split between the music, subtitles, transitions, ect???? that would be SO much easier. also i basically said at this point they should just hire a fan to edit bc even i at this point could make a video like theirs lol

anyway back to your ask

oh yeah, when he talked about not living for things like vacation and trying to find happiness or positivity in the mundane, i get it. but like…. wrong messenger. you can actually afford a vacation. some of us can't and will never be able to. so like, if we some how miraculously can, shut the fuck up and let me enjoy it sksksks

highkey i would love for snc to both go to a therapist. like, i just know they need one. we all do tbh. but at least they can afford to go to one.

#ask #personal

[incarnateirony]

The longer I look at this paperwork, the more baffled I am by how delusional she, and mark, must both be at this point on their place in their social responsibility for what has happened

I: Was minding my business. Ignoring her socially attacking me in Supernatural fandom for two years

When: I laughed remembering she existed, and her and Mark instantly sprangtrap in, I said they weren't welcome at the game, Mark said she didn't want that.

Then: She immediately tried to stalk her way into the game server to bust it up, then investing six months in a furry porn server to come for my business investor, 20 year friend, and disrupt a game group she doesn't even attend.

After: Once people got bored and she attacked in the wrong alignment, she social springtrapped herself. I said she wanted to go to court but had better ways.

Current: She has deleted her blog of plagiarism and lies. However, I have never @'ed her, I have never gone to her blog to comment, I have only read and copied public posts on a public platform, I have not sent anyone at her, I am literally just writing in the journal she has stalked for three years. This journal has told her very clearly I have no interest in going to her door, or her work, or do not need to, and that it won't show up on her steps, or as a letter in the mail, but this is just flat karma. Karma is in the house like carpet, and she's freaking the fuck out.

So, she files a suit and wants me to pay for HER addiction to using the law as a battering ram because she sure the fuck can't witch her way out like she pretends. From HER inability to control herself, HER inability to leave me alone for 3 years, and HER inability to stop reading my FUCKING JOURNAL which is what STARTED THIS MESS FOR HER, ACTUALLY. She wants ME to pay for HER inability to control herself from stalking, social attacks, and wiping out in public. She wants ME to pay for her therapy forever, even though she's been unstable since I left, and she walked into this, and this is literally just her perceiving being a terrible piece of shit person and looking for a therapist she can cry 1/3 of the story to, to get reaffirmed, and she. wants. me. to. pay. because. she. realized. she's. a. trash. abusive. person. with. no. gods. and. for. her. stupid. lawsuit. bills. I. laughed. At. To. Begin. With.

Listen lady I don't know how to tell you, you're paying your therapist to tell you what is needed to essentially keep you from clawing your scalp off or killing yourself. I ignore shitty clients who have done shitty things all the time to Uh Huh them towards a better reflection. It's not that you're a person worth reaffirming. It's that you had to pay someone to do it that neither knows the full story or can actually tell you what they think of you.

Here Shealyn, [puts on your therapist mask]

Yes, Shealyn. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, and that this deeply hurt you. I'm hearing a lot of conflict about your current path. How would it feel to talk about what led us to this moment in time?

And that's where you go and omit any memories that aren't useful to your schizophrenic disassociative narrative, and cry up a story, and patch together the quilt where you're the victim and not the backstabber, liar, con artist and aggressor, and you never feel any better in the long term beyond stopping your crying in the moment when the therapist nods and says, "It's understandable how that could hurt."

We keep a lot of answers like that in the pocket for when we have no real answer for whatever has you losing your nut. I once had a schizophrenic screaming her sons were archangels that would sacrifice her for revelations and I still had to respond with a nod and, "It sounds like god is very important to your life. It's understandable that would be a lot to process. Where do you think we would be safest while we chat?" That. That's how your therapist jedi mind tricks you, but why it only works in the short term.

Because you won't look at or fix the real problem. So you walk out of the therapist office and fall right back into your fucking bullshit. They can't help you if you don't want help for your real issuers.

Your real issues being that you have failed in the grieving process, landed in denial for 3 years, constructed a cult to your ex husband by plagiarizing his work without understanding it, prayed to those shadows, enshrined them on your altar even when told to take them away, and then converted the rage from your emptiness that has you anxiously ripping out your hair into a dedicated energy to try to chase me back down, because any contact with what you miss is good contact, any energy is good energy, and just like you're trying to abuse the law system as retaliation for me actually standing up to your stalking and abuse of these years, you just want to make me suffer for realizing I actually left you.

*I* left you. All of me, even the parts you disassociated to try to hold onto. And your grief and denial has become addiction, rage, and general mental unwellness, and you can't even address that because then you have to look at how you and Mark enabled each other, then your whole damn house is a house of lies. Your relationship, your business, your octopus jibberish face-copying backwards-talking can't-magic-her-way-out-of-a-wet-bag spiritual path, everything. And you want ME to pay for YOUR lack of self control and for all YOUR regrets and realization of why you've lost your goddamn fucking nut. I'm not responsible for keeping you stable anymore. Mark thought he could take on that responsibility, and so far, he's sucked ass at it and just made you worse, also for his own selfish personal vested interest inspiring intentional blindness. His own hateful petty reasons. His own justifications.

You're both trash, and perfect for each other.

Shealyn used to be a beautiful woman, inside and out. Some time over the last decade she lost sight of who she was, and then Mark dragged her in to chase ghosts made up in their minds, validating months of conspiring to backstab the one person that actually knew her and gave a shit about her. Past tense. Gave. Does not give. Opposite of giving a shit about you now, and it's your fault.

[tumbling-down-the-hall]

I can post here because nobody I know reads these

I feel behind. I feel like everybody else is living their life and I'm just trudging along.

I'm not married. I'm not going to be anytime soon. I don't think I want to marry the person I'm with for all sorts of reasons. (well actually one reason)

I'm definitely not going to have children. I know having a child is wonderful and yada yada yada. But also like in this economy. In this state of the world? Yeah no thank you. I do not want a child to deal with that. Fuck half the time I don't want to deal with that.

Friends are getting married, having children, settling down. And I'm over here like hahahah fuck no. Fuck that. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to have experiences. But that's not going to happen. Because I'm stuck in the same cycle. I'm stuck. Idk how to unstuck without leaving everybody forever.

I have a half day on Friday. I want to leave for a day and a half and turn off my phone and just experience. But where do I go? What do I do? I don't know.

My mom swears up and down I'm not autistic. I swear up and down I am. I'm special. And not in the good way. I notice patterns. I know what my partners order is at almost every restaurant we go to. I know what he would get. Does he know what I would? Probably not. Ever since my experience with pirate. I try new things. I don't want to be limited to the same things. I want to be open to trying new things. I had fish yesterday. And it was really good. I apparently eat slow though. Everybody else had finished their food by the time trivia started and I was sitting there still picking at mine ... Tbh that's probably a good thing.

I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by noises. If it's too noisy somewhere I instantly shut down. I think this started because of covid and not going out as much. I'm trying to reacclimate myself into those spaces. I want to be the person people go to. And while I am. I'm not their friend. I'm just there. I'm just somebody to vent to for like 30 seconds and then never talk to again. I'm not somebody people like to hang out with outside of work. Which frustrates the hell out of me. Because I like to think I'm a cool person. But I guess I'm not. I'm still just a nobody.

The only reason the people know me at the pizza place near me is because of my partner. He talks to everybody. I'm just there watching. I don't like interacting. But I love watching. I like putting in my two cents.

I don't know how to hold conversations. I don't know how to interject in conversation. When I have something to say I try to look for an opening, is there ever an opening? No. Not really. I don't know how conversations work. I don't know how anything works.

I'm all alone and nobody understands me. Not even my partner who says he does. He didn't understand why I got upset when we stopped on the way home last night. He doesn't understand why I'm upset when he drinks. He doesn't understand why I'm upset when he continues to get drinks and I'm the one paying the tab. I'm too aware of what other people are doing. If he is paying the tab I don't go for the most expensive thing. I don't do multiple drinks. Do I get this same consideration? Absolutely not.

I want to take my car and leave and see what happens. I'm not okay. But I mask so nobody can see that. I need a therapist. But I'm afraid of what they are going to tell me. But I also know what they are going to tell me.

[puppysweetheart]

i'm bored so i kind of want to write a non-fetish post elaborating on disability and my relationship with my beautiful dyke husband for my tiny audience

i do address them as "daddy," which is partially just a dom title but does in part refer to the fact that they take care of me. this caretaking happens largely because my specific combo of disabilities means i need more help and guidance to live than the average adult; husband and my therapist are my main supports for my continued survival. i really do need husband/daddy's help to get along, beyond any sort of kink, and i'm coming to terms with it.

gonna stick a read more here bc this is turning into an essay 😭 (warning for a brief mention of suicide/being suicidal)

after i emotionally/physically struggled my way through college, young adult life didn't prove any easier and hasn't yet let up! 😭 without the support of my parents at first and later husband, i wouldn't make it. i'd starve, or never pay my bills, or off myself, or end up hiding in my house forever. husband and me accepting that they do play a disability caregiver role has been good for me, if difficult for me to not be upset about (i deal with lots of feelings of being a burden). fitting it into our existing dom/sub dynamic and making daddy/puppy a more regular part of our life at home has actually really helped me pull myself out of the absolute desolation of it all! we both get to have fun with it and not always dwell on the serious parts of my situation.

husband is disabled too, so the helping is reciprocal, but in general they are the one who makes sure i'm meeting my daily needs and has fidget toys on hand for both of us and helps me figure out complicated government paperwork and stuff. they recognize when i'm starting to get stressed or upset or overwhelmed, sometimes before i even realize it myself, and they know what they can do to help (like take me out of a loud bright place or bring me a stuffie...or a dab pen :P). they are also currently our only source of income because i am the unemployed kind of disabled right now.

this whole thing makes our dynamic deep, complicated, sometimes very intimate and special and sometimes incredibly mundane, and just...uniquely ours. daddy helps me learn new life skills, cuddles me, buys me plushies, makes me dinner, fucks me silly at their own discretion, and makes sure i'm not allowing myself to decay due to The Brain Problems. in return, i cuddle them to death, sometimes top and dom ("pretending to be the daddy," as they have called it) bc they're a vers switch and so am i, and make them take breaks from work and remember their meds and enforce their boundaries at work (otherwise nonprofit work will wring you dry). i just love them so, so much, and daddy is the affectionate nickname i've given them out of that deep love. the name "daddy" also encapsulates the feelings of responsibility and affection they have for me as both a caretaker and a partner. i'm unfathomably grateful to have someone who guides me through life and cares about me so deeply. they're my daddy, y'know? :)

#i'm sure there are other kinky disabled people who do something similar #it really helps me focus less on my self-hatred over a lack of real-world skills and limited ability to take care of necessary tasks #husband is the coolest person on earth and i am so amazed i get to hang out with them #the fact that they love me enough to take care of me warms my heart #i really never thought this would happen to me #both needing someone to care for me and having someone who would fully accept my disabilities #anyway. if you've read this #thanks lol #personal #disability and kink #suicide mention

[stfuviolet1]

it's not that hard after all, aint it?

If there's one thing I learn for the past months it'd be;

self love > anything else

All this while I've always thought its impossible to love myself that I often seek other individual's validation on me. As a result? I was never really at peace with myself. I seek someone else's love to fill in the void in me, hoping they would love me for who I am just because I couldn't seem to do it for myself. The void that I myself created because of all the insecurities that has grown in me since forever has given me a hard time to look at myself in the mirror and love what I'm seeing. Until one day I realise, no one's gonna do it for me other than me, no one's gonna love me more than me, no one's gonna be there with me forever other than me. I am the person who I wake up with, go to sleep with, living live with for as long as I'm alive. like shit really slaps me hard realising that I am my own person, my own friend, my own lover how could I treat myself less than what I deserve I mean is it not bad enough I let other human beings destroy me from within and now I'm being a jerk to my own self? what a JERK. okay I take that back, I've made a vow to never ever speak ill towards myself again even if I'm about to make the biggest mistake in my life. yeah sure I'm gonna be devastated but hey, isn't mistake the best teacher?

Looking back, I'm glad where life has taken me to. Im not gonna lie 2023 is the most dull year I've ever lived in so far but I'm also not gonna lie its also the year where I learnt a lot about self love. the price I have to pay to get to where I am now? 5 months of depression, heartbreaks, lost of partner and friendships. But I guess I rather have 1 uncomfortable year than stuck in misery forever. I feel like a newborn, new person, like I'm slowly getting myself back, taking back what I've lost and most importantly I'm taking control of what used to control me. yes bitch I'm getting that boss behaviour back and no one and nothing can stop me from doing so. I am SO GONNA WIN. I don't give a flying fuck of what people think of me, whether or not they gonna love or accept me, I will still have my back. cause guess what? not a single soul understands me more than I do so why not just be my own muse, my own fighter my own therapist. I don't have anything to lose as I've made peace with the fact that its not that bad to live life alone. Sure I still want a partner to share life with but if I'm destined to be alone, its okay too. No matter how alone I am, I am not gonna let myself feeling lonely. There are always ways to cherish life and now I'm just gonna focus living life and enjoy the littlest thing.

[zreflections]

A black lump burrows from the inside, out in my chest. The CBT workbook told me to picture bad thoughts as objects. Make them "silly and ridiculous". Name them strange concepts.

No one bothers to explain being intelligent generally just makes you want to die all the time. That maybe life is the virus in the eco system.

My boyfriend never thinks about things. He is from one thing to the next, zinging around like tiktock filed redbull shots. He eats hot peppers on everything. I am one of roughly fourteen thousand people who are allergic to caspasien.

All day I made an effort to keep the voice quiet. The one that tells me, you suck. You. Are stupid. He hates you. He will get sick of you. Your ideas are stupid. Just die already.

A few days ago I almost walked in front of a car. My life is good right now. I never want to lose it. Everything is new.

If I could marry him I would.

If I could kill myself I would.

I remind myself the moral of the story is that life one any planet is a wonderful gift. That suffering is the status quo and the happiness is the in-between. A soilder said so in a support group.

My suicidal friends arm won't stop bleeding. Her house is full of mold. She doesn't sleep from the illness. No one is helping her and she is stuck in helplessness.

Everyone who makes me bite in humanity never learned to arm themselves with thier teeth like I have.

I use them without meaning to.

They often lately land into myself. While I try to jot hurt anyone. Nothing good can come from me. The voice says.

Therapists like to say thoughts are like a computer and you just need reprogramming.

Studies show affirmations tend to not be helpful woth ptsd or cpstd because it resembles gaslighting.

I want to burn out.

I want to stop feeling.

Friday, I swam at the pool and thought about drowning. It seemed too much effort. Might as well stay.

So I pack bags. Eat lunch. Hate myself. Argue.

I admit it someone had a handful of drugs I would take them no questions asked.

Run a block if your bored.

My writing sucks

My videos suck

I hate the way my chest is constantly caving in even when I'm fine.

Friends and books say-

Don't make the bad feelings worse by having yourself for having them. Sorry noone gave a shit about me before.

His face crushed when I said, it's because those scars are new.

People all like me. My hair. My clothes. I'm polite.

If you askeda I successful, well. Maybe. I have a steady job. It's relatively low stress. The pay isn't great but the benefits aren't bad.

But I jerk and every sound hyper aware. I flinch. I want to prove my boyfriend to abuse me so I don't keep waiting asking when will the show drop?

I am always compressing myself into those space-saving bags. Trying to. But then ripping them open. Again. Again again. At every notion. Sprining back after ripping the airmask like on a plane.

I have never don't a real or true thing.

She lies as she has self published five books with bad grammar and spelling. And a collection of photos. And a heart full of regretful ashes.

There are things I should write about but they are all sad. I am the first in my family to say, I've had enough of this abuse.

People say I'm strong but I'm just broken China.

Nothing was handed to me.

I.

I wish I could breath better.

I still have no solutions I'm years of research.

Projects. Deadlines. Stupid. God. I'm so. Stupid.

He played out a fantasy I hate admiting I have recently. A sexual one. I just want to chase down his chin and stroke him into thoughtlessness.

I'm a freak. My brain prompts.

Make your goal to be yourself. He told me. I'm trying but...

Why can't being myself feel like something good? And not just a curse I need unicorn tears and griffin blood.

My brother quit caring the moment I left.

I hope a stray bullet gets me.

Sometimes I want to live forever. But mostly? Mostly I want time to stop.

Stop moving and let me adjust.

Fuck.

It's always the same shit from my mouth.

Useless.

#mental illness #coping #suicidal #trauma #vent

[raspberryspace]

It’s okay to write this, it’s okay to be in a moment of weakness, it’s okay to express yourself. I need to tell myself this.

I can not let you live with that pain.

I want to be more receptive to the emotions of the past and present. I want to take responsibility for them. It’s not for you to bear alone. I don’t ever want you to have to pay for my wrong decision. You are so much more than my mistake, it’s not what defines you at all. I don’t know how to release that from you. I want us to work on that. I hope we can. I am working on it with my therapist. I want to better reciprocate your emotions.

I was distracted by myself. Aloof to the idea that such a decision would hurt someone I care about deeply later on. Someone who I wanted to bring the entire world to. Not even later on, it was being built day on day. I had to come to terms with what I had done. What the past version of me had done. What I had done to devastate the one I cared about the most. I never saw that at the time. I knew it wasn’t easy but I didn’t understand the scope of the hurt.

I regret that immensely.

No amount of the word sorry will ever understand that. The me of today understands that. The me that wants to take on the burden. Take the responsibility away from you. It was never your fault. You had to make the hardest decision. I will never forget that. I could never let you get to that point again. I have changed, the current me will set it right. The current me has begun to understand, and through communication came that understanding. That change. I want to connect again to those emotions that brought along this pain, to find ways to heal from this all. I want to help so fucking badly, because. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t something you should go through alone. It’s not fair to you. I owe you everything. Let me be a part of that everything. I don’t want you to suffer. I never wanted that, I just don’t know what to do if my mere presence invokes such negative emotions. It makes me want to run away and be gone forever. I don’t want to just walk away from the problem, I do not want to make that mistake. How do I tell you that this isn’t for my benefit, I want this to be for your sake. How do I approach that. Everything I want to do is to help you. I am at my most selfless. I can’t tell you the sleepless nights and endless writing culminating in this. These pure moments of emotion come barreling to the surface. It’s 3am and I’m making a mistake. It’s no excuse but I don’t even know if you’ll end up reading this anyways, hell this is just me yelling at my dreams again. I can’t keep on overthinking every little thing, I’m going to change into something I don’t want to become. but I can’t stop worrying that you make it home okay every night. That you get that much needed TLC after a long Thursday. I can’t stop overthinking it all.

The amount of self sacrifice I want to devote simply cannot be. it will never be. And it festers. You’re right we are in this loop of painful topics but I am trying so hard to break through. And I cannot ever ask something of you. But if you were to open up again. I would hope you could see the help.

I hope you can feel better.

I just want you to feel better.

Posting this to the ether, probably isn’t going to help anything. It’s ok for me to write. It’s okay for me to feel the way I do.

#things i don’t want you to read #I wonder if my last package was taken since I read the call box isn’t working lol #3 day vent

[zukotheartist]

Hiii :) i need a bit of help

(Ik i said i wouldnt do rant posts here but this one is also advice seeking? So we'll let it slide this time)

It's about uni and mental health and jobs, etc and just overall oversharing lmao. Feel free to skip ofc lol but if anyone has some advice/opinions to share, im all ears.

Basically, i just really don't know what to do with my life💀. I even took a gap year in between hs and uni to decide and ig it still didnt work😭.

I'm in uni studying languages (mandarin, portuguese and japanese) and the language part is going well so far, I guess? (And I do like it!). I even like a few of the other subjects (some of them i only have them for 1 semester so theyre not major subjects) but i really just cant handle it???

I wasn't happy with my choice in the sense that I think my job prospects after uni won't be great but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle anything else (im terrible at stem and most high-paying jobs require it lol + i have depressive episodes 24/7💀 and im pretty sure i have adhd*). But even picking smth i like and am not terrible at (not great at either but at least it's not math lol) im not able to handle it???

I was trying really hard at first, i didn't want to fuck this up, but the rhythm needed is just... way too much for someone who stuggled all throughout hs and has shit mental health.

I managed to work hard for a bit (studying everyday after class, doing 8hr study sessions during the weekend, revising quickly while waiting in line, etc) but then i let loose (or even went full days/weeks with minimal amount of studying) bc it was so overwhelming and now im cramming like 2/3 months worth of 3 different subjects and my exams are in Jan/Feb (the first available dates on the 10th) and ill be lucky to pass a single one of them with the speed im going at.

Even on days i get up early to study and barely even look at my phone, it's just too much stuff and im not fast enough + i lack a lot of things bc of my slacking off in hs.

I go to uni in Italy and if you fall behind u have to pay more but ig it's better than putting all this effort and most of all money to then just drop out and be left degreeless?

But I feel so freaking terrible bc i literally dont even work part-time or anything and i still live with my parents and theyre the ones paying for all of my stuff basically? So to add a higher cost bc i couldnt keep up with uni🥲 but then, if i take a part-time job, ill be making some money but uni will be going even worst and itll still be a waste of money???

I've talked to multiple therapists/psychiatrists, asking them even for LIGHT anxiety meds and *all* of them have refused (I also made it clear that I would still go to therapy even if I got meds but nothing).

Studying calms me down a bit but even tho ive started doing it daily again and for hours on end, im still akskdkdkrkr

Ill talk to my family and my therapist but i honestly dont know wtf to do with my life. Ik the whole "dont cry over spilled milk" thing but i really wish i could re-do hs to not be in this fucking mess.

It doesn't really help that my only goal in life is to make a lot of money bc i think ill be alone (both romantically and platonically) forever but with the way it's going, ill be lucky to get a minimum wage one (im not saying it as a diss, those are respectable jobs too but like i said, my only goal is to make money so i can live comfortably and distract myself from my depression lmao).

This is all very specific and i doubt anyone responds (let alone reads) but if anyone does read, tysm for reading this sad long rant🫂🫂🫂. I pretty much wont be able to see my therapist until just a bit before my exams so this was also my way to let out some frustration.

.

.

.

*Ive tried to get an official diagnosis, and it's fine if im wrong ofc, but i was immediately denied and told that couldnt be it... bc of my age lmao💀

#uni #university #uni advice #university advice #uni struggles #al's post

[abunchofraccooons]

Double Trouble Incorrect Quotes

Greg, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today! Gregory: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

__

Monty: I want to wake up with you for the rest of our lives Freddy: I wake up at 4:30 Monty: Freddy: Monty: I want to see you at one point everyday for the rest of our lives-

__

Gregory: So that’s my plan. Greg: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean. Gregory: No, go ahead, I want to hear it. Greg: It fucking sucks. Gregory: That’s not constructive criticism.

__

Freddy: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted murder? Greg&Gregory: Stop romanticizing the past.

__

Greg: Are you an ‘arr’ pirate, or a ‘yo ho ho’ pirate? Glamrock Foxy: I’m a ‘I’m not paying $600 for photoshop’ pirate.

__

Therapist: What is your biggest weakness? Emily: I can be uncooperative. Therapist: Okay, can you give me an example? Emily: No.

__

Gregory, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me Greg, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

__

Freddy: Okay, truth or dare? Vanessa: Truth Freddy: How many hours have you slept this week? Vanessa: Vanessa: ...Dare Freddy: Go to bed. Vanessa: I don’t like this game.

__

Emily: You're the love of our life and our best friend, we would do anything for you. Koal: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule. Jin: Absolutely not.

__

Greg: If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’d be a neat noise Vanessa: I beg to differ Gregory: Then Beg

__

Monty: You're right. Roxanne: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

__

Gregory: Are you sure this is the right direction? Greg: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest! Vanessa: In that case, we're definitely lost.

__

Gregory: Greg and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us Freddy: *Sighing* What did Greg do? Gregory: They chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and... Greg: Who wants a steering wheel?

__

Greg: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it. Chica: Greg no. Monty: Mistlefoe. Freddy: Please stop encouraging them.

__

Koal: Emily, Jin and I are having a baby. The Twins: That's gre- Emily, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

__

Gregory: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death? Jin: How am I supposed to know? Greg: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult. Jin: *sighs* Jin: You wouldn't be trapped.

__

Thats it

I loved making these-

#double trouble #double trouble au #fnaf au #gregory #fnaf gregory #roxanne wolf #montgomery gator #glamrock freddy #glamrock chica #glamrock animatronics #incorrect quotes #fnaf incorrect quotes #incorrect fnaf #incorrect double trouble #blabbermouthing child

[beewritings]

Break up texts with AOT characters

(Eren, Armin, Jean, Connie, Reiner, Zeke & Porco)

AFAB reader

Content Warning: angst, fluff & some nsfw. Mentions of ddlg (?), semi public sex, I think that’s all. :)

Yes, all the times are the times I worked on them. I don’t sleep lmao. There are typos I see them in just unbothered to fix them

Eren

You drive over to Eren’s place about ten minutes later. You already cried and did your little heartbreak grieving before leaving. To be fair , you just wanted to have sex with him one more time. Unless he gets into a new relationship, you wouldn’t mind being his friends with benefits, but considering the fact you’re in love with him... it’s a hard no. You get there after fifteen minutes of driving, you have a spare key which you will be returning so you just walk in. You see him sitting on the couch of his apartment, leaning forward with his legs spread and his head in his hands. He looks up and sees you. You walk to him and sit on the couch in front of him.

“Hey...”

“Hey.”

The awkward silence was so uncomfortable, you honestly didn’t want him to say the words to you again. You just wanted to see him, to have him. One more time before you avoid him forever.

Armin

You feel bad that you broke up with Armin through text, but you didn’t have the guts to tell him in person. But since he was so calm about it, you decided to go and visit him a few hours later. When you get to his dorm which was just across from your dorm building, you do your knock so he knows it’s you. He rushes to the door and greets you with a smile and asks why you’re there. You tell him how you felt bad that you broke up with him by text and wanted to check on him.

“Y/n, I’m fine! It was only 4 months, it takes longer than that for me to fall in love. I saw us as baby couple, just trying it out until it gets serious. I’m not angry, I’m not upset. Don’t worry, y/n. And the way we can still be friends? It makes me happier!”

Let’s just say that a few days later, you crawled right back to him asking him for you back. Eren told him it’s because his dick game strong, and even though Armin knows his game is strong, he knows that you just have a kind heart and that’s why you’ve been attracted to him. Now it’s been over a year and you have a promise ring on your finger :)

Jean

You and Jean are literally in the same apartment. You LIVE with him. You’re in the bathroom and he was cooking food. He texts you telling you to get off the toilet and go to the kitchen so you finish your business and do what he says. You get to the kitchen to smell the beautiful food and you approach your husband.

“You’re joking right? About not feeling it between us?”

“Of course I’m joking, I’m literally married to you. Today is our 2 year anniversary. Jean, did you get high before cooking? Did Eren sneak in here and let you smoke? Are you good?”

Jean holds your waist, giving you kisses on your forehead. He pushes you lightly against the counter next to the stove. He shoves his face into your neck, leaving those gorgeous black and blue galaxies on your neck.

“Really? Before our guests come over? You’re such a bad boy, do I have to punish you later tonight?”

“If anyone’s getting punished, it’s you for pretending to break up with me,” he lifts you up and puts you on the counter, going in between your legs. He lifts up your skirt, leavings kisses all on your thighs making his way to your core. “Now, you be a good girl and let daddy take care of you, yeah?”

Connie (yes the top text is cut off for a reason)

You googled break up texts because you wanted to mess with him, but his responses really disappointed you. Like geez prank gone stupid? When Connie gets to your place, he literally brought his switch and extra controllers and he pushes his way inside. You own the switch lite (pain) so you always ask him to bring his and connect it to the tv. He’s so focused on gaming with you that he doesn’t even pay attention the fact that you’re wearing lingerie. You don’t even want to play, you just wanted sum fuk. He finishes setting up the console and sits on the couch.

“Hey babe. Oh, nice. You look cute.”

“???? CUTE?”

“Yeah. You ready? Lets play.”

“Why am I dating you? You don’t even know how romance works.”

“Yes I do. If I win, I fuck. You win, I go down on you. Is that not how it works?”

“.... connie shut up and let’s just play.”

Reiner

You felt like the world was coming to an end. What made Reiner change his mind? You guys just made love the other night again, he took you out to eat last night, why today? Oh no... was he spoiling you to prepare you for heartbreak? Reiner doesn’t seem like that though.... why is he so poetic yet such an ass? It’s around 9 pm when he stops by with your belongings. You try to give him his goodies but he tells you to keep it. He allows you to cry in his arms, to kiss him one last time. And the whole time this happens, this man gets a raging fucking hard on. You know he had a thing for pain and degradation, but this is real life. Is he really getting turned on by a break up? But... it gives you a chance to have one last sex before he never comes back. Because god that man has a monster dong.

“Reiner.. whats with the hard on?”

He blushes, moving a hand to cover his crotch area. Unfortunately, your hand grips his cock this his pants before he does. He buckled his knees and legs out a strangled moan, just for you.

“Y/n, d-don’t do this..”

“Oh? Who’s the one who got a hard on from breaking up with me? Huh?”

Before you can do anything else, he pushes you off him, your ass landing on the bed. You were expecting one thing, but not what he does.

“Stop! Listen, I got to go. I hope you live a happy life... I love you...”

He walks towards your apartment door, swings it open and steps out.

“Take care.”

Zeke

After Zeke had texted you that, of course you cried. You didn’t know how to take it... he’s in his thirties and you’re only in college. Hell, you have class with his younger brother. But have fun? Go to parties and fuck other men? Like if you’re a cuck, just say it. If he REALLY wants you to party and sleep with other people, they could’ve just stayed in a relationship but make it open. He could’ve added some people to the sequence... you’ve always wanted a threesome, especially with a girl so you don’t understand why he’d just leave you. But you don’t even like parties or clubs. You love him, you want to be settled down. You wanted him. If he found another woman... he would’ve said that right? Or is he manipulative like you heard his brother was? Everyone knows about Eren, he’s a whore. Does it run in the family? No... he only broke up with you today. Just wait a bit before assuming.

A month passes, you went to one (1) party at a club with your dorm roommate, Hitch, and you had a terrible time. You saw one man drop something in your drink (which you proceeded to toss on his face), two others tried sandwiching you on the dance floor (which he elbowed them both in the face), and some other guy literally touched your thigh while trying to speak to you at the bar. You had enough. You socked him in the face, and went towards the bathroom area. You see a familiar face with an unfamiliar woman.

Zeke...

He had a woman with long black hair on his lap. No... it’s hidden but you could see it in plain sight. He had his cock stuffed inside her, under her skirt. She had this twisted face of pleasure and he wasn’t moving, nothing. She was moving her hips on his lap, pleasing him. She looks around and makes eye contact with you. She recognizes you as Zeke’s ex, and rides him quicker.

You look away, angrily and upset, you throw the cup you were babysitting on the floor in front of you, shattering it. People around who heard it look, including Zeke. He turn your head to look him dead in the eye with your look of disgust, and turn around to leave.

That was the last time you saw him or came in contact with him.

Porco

You sigh. You always were there for him on his shitty days. You feel bad leaving him stranded. So you ended up going over. You think it’s a bad idea and it probably is, but you’ll suffer the consequences if so. You drive to his apartment and walk in with the spare key you had. You don’t see him so you assume he’s in his room. You hear a faint sound, almost like a moan. You take a huge sigh. If he’s jerking off, you’re leaving. You walk in, opening his door and you see his back his facing you. He turns around and... he’s crying. Porco isn’t much of a crier so this really shocked you. You run to him, sitting next to him and hold his face.

“Pock, my baby...”

“Y/n, don’t leave me. Please... I know I’m a dickhead a lot and I know I’m a piece of shit. I hold so much anger in me and... I take it out in the wrong person. I’ll take anger management or something, I’ll go to a therapist. Just... please don’t leave me. You’re the reason I wake up, my sun and moon. The one I love, y/n please.. I want to build a future with you. I want to get married, have abratty little mommy’s boy with you and cute little daddy’s girl.... please.. Don’t leave me..”

Well shit. That was some convincing. After telling yourself 400 times to break up with him, he convinced you to stay this easily. After cuddling and holding him in your arms to nap, you woke up with your ass pressed against his dick. Yup, he’s hard. You can imagine what y’all did when he woke up.

You love Porco, and he was right. You wanted to build a future with him too. Maybe it’s time.

#aot angst #aot fluff #aot smau #snk angst #snk fluff #snk smau #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #smau #angst #fluff #YES I SEE PORCO BEING AN ASSHOLE SOFTIE #buzzwrites