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angry-trashcan · 7 months

Text

Narcissi

Chapter twelve of Braided Lilac

2.4K WC

Warnings: Mentions of self-harm, past abuse, murder, death, suicide. Reader uses they/them pronouns. Let me know if I missed anything.

(First) (Read on AO3) (Hair Holds Memories)

Trying to explain this feeling with words is hard.

It’s like trying to capture a singular fleeting look in your eyes.

It’s similar to that first cold morning, when the ever present sadness dips lower into your wounded soul.

When the pedals first hit the ground from the magnolia trees.

That last fleeting hold on a loved one’s hand as they are slipped under the dirt.

It feels like a sharp stab in the middle of your chest, yet when you look for the bleeding wound, it’s nowhere to be found.

It’s flying too close to the sun on wings of letters made of love and wax seals of promises.

The wax dripping down failing arms and burning every inch it touches. Leaving new scars etched in over the old and faded littering your wrists.

Yet, there is no beauty in this pain.

Only the fear and emptiness of falling back down to Earth.

The wax burning your eyes.

It’s hard to trust someone when your trust has been broken so deeply in the past. Being told over and over again that you aren’t enough. That things are only this way because you made them so. People don’t realize how deeply some things can affect you.

You don’t remember a lot from that night. You remember the way the light looked on his face. It was a yellowy-gray glow from the window. His face had no expression on it. Absolutely blank. How did he do that?

What did your face look like?

Did you show fear? Did you cry? Did you struggle? Did it take a long time for him to stop? Or was the look on your face enough?

What did his face look like that night? When he knew he was going to die.

Did his face show fear? Did he cry? Did he struggle? Did it take him a long time to stop choking on his own blood? Was he left alone as he did or did he lay there being watched by his killers as he took his final breaths? As his wretched soul slipped from his flesh and pushed into the burning lands. Or did those cursed and cruel goddesses show him mercy? Letting him join them in their own kingdom. Perhaps he simply ceases to be. The only thing left of him being the candles his mother keeps burning for him. The flowers surrounding it wilted. Dead.

Your eyes burn. Your legs burn. Your chest burns. Everything burns.

Castle Town was fading out behind you as your legs pushed you deeper into the field. The grass brushed at your calves, occasionally grabbing your thighs in an effort to slow you down. You couldn’t last like this. You knew that. Yes, the only thing in your head was the knowledge that Sage had probably woken up the others by now. He probably rushed up the stairs and banged on every door to sound the alarm. Call on every one of those damned ‘heroes’ to come to his aid and search with him for you. Would they blame him for you taking off? Would they believe that you left on your own accord? No, no they probably wouldn’t. What if they hurt him . What if one of them saw you kiss him?

You slowed your march through the field. The ache in your eyes was suddenly much more noticeable. You took a moment to look around. How far did you expect to get without them? All it took was one bokoblin and you were dead. Maybe you should go back-

Did his mother cut her hair once he was lowered into the ground? Did his brother cry?

Your head shot back forward, and your feet marched on, aches long forgotten.

The grass scratches dug in deeper with every step forwards. You had to find somewher e to go. The path back to Ordon would take at least three days. They would reach you by then. Hyrule would track you down with that stupid mark and stupid promise. That stupid raised mark on your hand that bound you to a killer. That branded you as his.

It had to come off.

Your grandmother had been right all along. The fae are untrustworthy creatures.

Your opposite hand traced over the scarred skin on the other. Would that even work? Would fileting your own hand remove the bond? Or would that just activate his end of the deal? Would that be considered self-harm?

Your knees gave way under you, collapsing to the grass.

Trapped.

Nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. They would find you and bring you back to them one way or another. Stuck with a group of murderers and their allies for all time. Living every single day in fear. Living every single day searching their faces for what his dying one looked like. How will mine look?

A hand brushed over the knife at your hip. No doubt that these thoughts were already alerting the fae born to your location. The metal made a solid clunking noise as it was drawn from the sheath.

No one deserves to see the look on mine as I go .

The sharpened steel lined up close to your chest, the moon reflecting the subtle red color in the blade. Though the blue in the handle egged you on.

Eyes fell to the sky. May whatever God that is watching have mercy on my soul.

The metal hit the grass with a thud.

What the hell am I thinking?!

A small howl came from behind you. Caught that fast, huh? You didn’t turn back towards the noise, instead, putting the green reflecting blade back into it’s holster. The wolf came to your side as the violet rope wrapping the wooden handle left your hand.

“Hey, Wolfie.” A small whine came from the wolf, his large paw landing in your lap. “I’m sure Twilight sent you out looking for me.”

He flopped down next to you, letting his head face yours. It was easy to forget just how large Wolfie was. That is until he laid down and his eyes were still level with yours. "Do me a favor?”

His head flopped over, dark fur falling into place. Your eyes reflected back the star filled sky as you spoke. “Don’t tell them.”

A confused whine came from him, his head falling into your lap. Running a hand through his fur, you finally looked at him. “Please, I just need some time away from them all.”

Hot air huffed out of his nose. “Please, Wolfie. I mean it.” A smaller huff before he settled deeper into your side and lap. A small ‘thank you’ dropped from your lips before you looked back up at the stars.

“It’s a pretty night. The stars are bright.” You fell silent for a moment. “They look like the ones back home.”

The wolf looked up to the sky, letting the lights hit his blue eyes. A very small smile came to your lips as you joined him in the gazing.

“I was scared of the dark for years.” You started, tracing the little dipper’s outline with a raised hand. “My whole life basically. Then one day, rather suddenly, I found myself sleeping in the middle of this dark forest with nine men that were practically strangers.” A broken laugh fell from your chest. “Just when the fire blew out for the night, you came out of the brush. I was scared shitless. I’m sure you remember.”

The wolf exhaled heavily, seemingly agreeing.

“After I calmed down enough, you laid with me. And I told you about how scared I was. You let me cuddle you like a puppy until I woke up. And then the next day when you were gone, Twilight helped me cross the river. He shared his snack jerky with me. He smiled at me with as much softness as those pointed teeth can give.”

Wolfie looked at you, cocking his head to the side.

“You’ve always been kind to me, Twilight. Even the very first night we traveled together.”

The wolf’s eyes widened. “It took me a bit to figure it out, I’ll admit. But once I heard Legend talking about dark magic forms it was easy to piece together.”

Dark squares surrounded the beast, a hand taking the place of the paw in your lap. “”M sorry I ain’t ever told ya.”

“Don’t be. I figured you did it for a reason. Somethings need to be left unsaid.”

He nodded, looking up to the stars once again. “They are pretty tonight, ain’t they?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t want me here, do ya?”

“If I’m being honest with you, Link. I don’t know what I want.”

“I think that's understandable. This was a lot, and I’m sorry that I didn’t know it was happenin’ so that I could stop ‘em.”

You shook your head. “Don’t apologize for them. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah, but I’m sorry you’re sufferin’ for it.”

A brief silence fell.

“...thank you.”

He shook his head, “Don’t thank me. I would tear the very stars from the sky if you asked. Anythin’ to make ya smile. If only for a second.”

Tears dripped down your cheek, landing on his hand still on your thigh.

“I love you.”

His hand tightened before he spoke. “I love ya more than ya could ever comprehend, darlin’.”

You sniffled, wiping your nose with the back of your hand. “I think I need some time.”

“I’ll give it to ya. But I’m sure that Rulie is gonna be tellin’ the Ol’ Man where ya are soon enough. If he hasn’t already.”

“That’s fine. It’s time we talk.”

He sighed, “I won’t go far now. I’ll wait in the grass a bit of a ways away.”

“Please just go back to town. Hyrule is close, I can tell. So, Time will be here soon. I’ll be fine until then.”

He ran his eyes over the field. “If ya insist.”

“I do.”

With that, he took a long look into your face, searching deep for something he couldn’t place. He stood with an exhale. “I’ll be waitin’ for ya.” He took a few steps behind you before the heavy feeling of dark magic appeared, leaving after your next breath.

You let out your own heavy sigh, running a hand back over the colorful blade once again.

<><><><><><><><><><>

Time’s heavy boots stepped through the grass behind you. Your fists tightened. “Took you longer than I expected.”

He came to a stop next to you, much like Twilight, before he took a seat. “I had a feeling you needed some space.”

You laughed through your nose, “I think you’ve given me enough space the past few months, no?”

“I’m sorry.”

You grew silent, trying to let the weight of those words find their place. “For what?”

He rubbed his good eye with his palm. “All of it. For pulling you through with us- me -. For not talking to you about it two months ago. For giving the word that night. For finishing Aldric off-”

“That’s enough.” Your voice was shockingly soft despite his words.

He stopped talking, looking off into the miles of grass before you.

And for a moment, everything was still.

For a moment, all was quiet.

All was calm.

All was alright.

For a moment, just a moment, you felt alive.

“Did you know that hair holds memories?”

The faintest of smiles came to his face, “I think I’ve heard that somewhere before.”

“It’s a tale as old as my village, maybe even older.”

He turned his head slightly so he could see your hands, still balled up in fists in your lap. “Share it with me?”

A small laugh escaped you. “Do you really want to hear it?”

“Of course, I do.”

You shook your head, letting out a deep breath “Well, it’s said that when the goddesses first blessed the ground, they made us Hylians to inhabit the land. Then, they created the mountains and waterfalls and crops for us to eat. But, in those first days before the goddesses provided the crops, the people struggled greatly.”

“They were living in a barren wasteland with no food or water. The only thing they had was each other. So, they took to caring for one another. Speaking in whatever tongue started it all, building toys for the children out of the dried grass they laid in. But most importantly, they taught themselves to care for their hair. They would braid it with messy fingers into even messier plaits. They would use the grass to intertwine into it.”

“They held their hair close to their very souls. Each person having their own signature within it. Then, one day, the crops sprouted up high into the heavens as the rain poured into the dirt. And yet, as everything changed, their hair stayed.”

“Their hair grew longer as their lives stretched to be as long as their hair. And engraved into each fiber, a day in their life. They were laid into the earth with the memories of their suffering in those early days. Then, once the earth reclaimed what is rightfully hers, the others would cut their own hair, releasing the sorrow held within of their loss. Letting go of those memories of the lost loved one as the strands fell to the earth to join them.”

Time was silent for a few moments, the only sound the rustling of grass in the wind.

He finally spoke. “Is that why you hold it so close to you?”

“Yeah, every braid I fold holds a part of me. Every flower is a piece of the earth that gives me life.”

“Will you…” He paused, looking back down at the clenched fists on your crossed legs. “Will you braid mine?”

Your hands finally opened, the fists showing what was held within them.

Time took in his breath, looking up at your face, both eyes wide. “What did you do?”

“I want to forget. I need to forget that I learned of this happening. I want to…” A broken sob came from your chest. “I want to trust you again. All of you.”

The hair fell from your hands, joining the flowing grass in the breeze. He finally got a look at you when the first bit of sunlight stretched over the horizon, the yellowy-grey light reflecting off of your hair. It was cut jagged and obviously in a panic. The tips of the top of your ears were showing through the short hair.

“Y/N…”

“Don’t. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

(NEXT)

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