clark grounds jonathan from his phone, and promptly receives a message from damian saying.
"Clark,
I am aware of the need for consequence in a child's upbringing. However, Jon and I have important matters to attend to, which you have interrupted by disallowing his use of a mobile device. I do not deem it necessary to inform you of the explicit details of those matters, but you must know that they are of an urgent nature.
May I have you reminded of who carries the Green K on them at all times, and whom that could be fatal to.
Regards, Damian"
bruce actually laughs when clark shows him.
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HC: The Batfam’s secret identities keep nearly being exposed through dumb mistakes, and citizens all over Gotham are constantly signing NDAs printed on ridiculously formal Bat insignia letterhead.
Tim: Used his Coffee Club rewards card for a free espresso as Red Robin, forgetting it was linked to his civilian identity because it was 3am and he was running on 42 hours without sleep.
Steph: Used her personal phone to tap-and-pay at Batburger with Cass. Bruce got pissy but she’s like, “Who accepts cash in a post-pandemic world, Mr Out Of Touch?” Used the experience to bargain a work phone out of Bruce.
Dick: Poses the exact same way in selfies with fans as both Nightwing and Dick Grayson. “What? Is it a crime to know my angles? I’m not apologising for having a good side!”
Damian: Constantly threatening people in League dialect as Robin and at school. It’s like a super niche language. People notice.
Jason: Grabbed one of his Red Hood jackets because it was cold and accidentally pulled out two grenades and a gun when asked for ID at the bar.
Duke: Straight up used his Signal powers to find something at the back of his locker at school. Like just lit up the hallway. “I thought I was alone!”
Cass: Took out cash from the ATM as a civilian for Batburgers with Steph, and paid as Black Bat. Someone at the bank traced the serial number of the bill and ATM surveillance footage. Batman declared that this wasn’t Cass’s fault and gave her another $50.
Alfred: Outsourced some of the superhero suit laundering to a professional company because he’s ONLY ONE MAN for god’s sake, and sometimes he needs an afternoon off.
Bruce: Literally just keeps adopting kids who look exactly like all the new crimefighters who help Batman. Has a massive public profile and just. Keeps syncing up families with Batman? People are like uhhh is he expecting us not to notice, or?
And all of them have accidentally posted to the wrong social media account at some point.
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jason 'perfect poker face' todd: and that is the story of how i got myself permenantly banned from three countries in the span of two months!
tim 'know it all' drake: *immediately picking up his stalking hobby because he doesn't know if jason is telling the truth or not*
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I WAS DOING PROCRASTINATED ENGLISH HOMEWORK AT 10:30 PM AND THIS BATFAM INTERACTION POPPED FULLY FORMED INTO MY BRAIN
Jason, staring down a defeated villain with his helmet off, dramatically monologuing like the theatre kid he is: Death didn't stop me the first time, what made you think you'd be the one to make it stick? Haven't you people learned? You cannot kill me in a way that matters.
Tim, pausing where he's taking down the remaining henchmen: hold on a second. I've heard that line before. did you just- did you just quote a Tumblr post in your takedown monologue?????
Jason, red in the face and blatantly embarassed: I don't know what the FUCK you're talking about, Replacement.
Dick, sweeping in on a grappling hook and knocking out a goon coming up behind Jason: No, he's definitely right. "decay exists as an extant form of life" and all that.
Jason, shoving his guns back into their holsters and walking away while grumbling to himself: and they wonder why I don't come to family dinners
Damian, popping out of the shadows: So long, fungus boy
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[nightwing] [red hood] [red robin] [robin]
decided to compile the boys™️ lmao
if you guys are interested, i could continue and make another set for steph, cass, duke and the bman himself :]]
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