#THE SHITTIEST RAMBLE OF THE DAY

[cyber-neptune]

11pm fem Megatron ramble post (sorta vent ish)

I project a lot of personal things onto characters that I like/find comfort in and Megatron just happen to be that character. Be it random trauma or mental illnesses, I like throwing it on Megs like one of those sticky hands. Always had difficulty explaining and processing a lot of emotions and personal stuff so it’s a great way to explain and understand things for me.

One of those things that I struggle with is my gender identity. I’m a genderfluid AFAB person and I’ve struggled trying to fit into what society deems “masculine” and “gender noncomforming”. Even being “feminine” is hard.

I know I should get this worked up over those things but it’s just hard. Feeling like no matter how I dress and act, I feel like a fraud.

I don’t mind trying to talk about it to people but It’s like I’m choking and suffocating on my words and my hands just got numb when I try to type about it and it all comes out like a nonsensical mess of letters. I also have difficulty with my self worth, always feeling like my problems are so small and insignificant, I end up just keeping quiet so I don’t “”bother”” anyone.

Started off topic af but anyway, I used to make jokes about Megatron being a girl/being feminine because it was like me trying and sometimes failing to appear more Masculine/gender neutral. In the end it’s like I was creating something I could “share” my troubles with without feeling like I’m bothering people.

There’s something about the way I’m headcanoning (is this a word??? It’s too late for this fhdj) Megatron as struggling to be seen by others as a girl/feminine, it’s kinda due to the way I look about which characters some people headcanon as “feminine” (Star.scream, Opt.imus, Sou.dw.ave, Knoc.kout, bumbl.ebee and many others). The way people draw/write them is, ig, interesting to me because it’s like they can accept almost every character as being girls/feminine except Megatron.

In a way this kinda led me to project more of my issues with my gender identity on Megatron. The feeling that no matter what I do, I’ll always be seen as something I’m not/not entirely and that I could never manage to be up to others expectation of what I “”should be””.

I’m thinking about other stuff so I’ll probably leave it at that and ig make an update or respond to shit in replies/reblogs, I’m too tired hfjdsj

#Zero speaks ☆ #megatron #lady megatron #transformers #THE SHITTIEST RAMBLE OF THE DAY #vent-ish #long post #<- for me personally cuz I’m lazy dbdns

[dewitty1]

Saturday Six (Stuff)

Haven't done one of these in a while. Just been blah lately. Life is just trucking along. No work really. I've been finishing up tax/accounting stuff. (。-ω-)ﾉ

Had a huge fight with Dad (the parents, but mom was mostly trying to mediate, ha) about money and jobs. Boomers obviously have no clue about the job market, especially here. You can't just "network" and get a job. And a lot of employers don't want to hire someone who's had/has their own business. Sigh... I'm sofa king tired of life sometimes. (;*´Д`)ﾉ

Leeloo continues to be a nut, but she's also adorable.o(^・x・^)o

Trying to stay positive in this environment is so hard, especially after this week. And when you're not really a positive person anyway, ugh. Yeah...(⑅ ‘﹃’ )

I really hate that the supportive TV families that I watched growing up messed me up. Because I don't have that.（’-’*)

It's been really rainy here lately. I like it because at least it matches the mood/vibe I've got going on. (︶︹︺)

#Saturday Six #February 3 2024 #Personal #Please do not rebloggle #About me #Carey rambles about life and stuff and things and ya it's not going so well atm #I need business to pick up like right now #Some of my normal customers have ghosted me #And my parents hounding me and getting up my ass doesn't help #Even though I know what they are trying to accomplish #They just went about it in the shittiest way possible #That feels when your parents have no clue how to approach you or talk to you - yeah that #Anyway I hope y'all are well and having a good day or night wherever you are #Hugsss from mom or just a friend whatever you need right now because I know I definitely need some hugs atm ٩(๑•◡-๑)۶ⒽⓤⒼ❤💜💙💚💛❤️💗💕💖 #I appreciate y'all reading my nonsensical rambles whenever I post them! #Now back to your regularly scheduled scrolling!

[freakbleeds]

Had to do paperwork today, but also got to twirl around the local secondhand bookstore being silly with a beautiful girl and watch her explain manga to me and make fun of my height and

#God I love her so much #she makes the shittiest days so much better #and I bought a silly hat for her and I really hope she loves it #I need a tag for her #kali rambles

[winksasleeplesseye]

now that I think about it…leon definitely fell first and amara fell harder and that’s on peeta and katniss level vibes/trope

#oc amara moore #oc talk #like thinking about it…peeta had a crush on katniss to start and katniss wasn’t aware #amara isn’t like mad or anything like katniss was #leon sees her in a picture and I’m like yup I’m crushing on her then he meets her on the shittiest day of BOTH of their lives and is like #yup I like her even more and just over course of the evening is like am I in love? #so yeah he fell first then after all the things leon does for Amara she then proceeds to develop a crush #then falls harder #he fell first but she fell harder #a wonderful trope #it’s funny they kind of both saw each other in pictures first and while leon was immediately having a crush #amara was like yeah he’s cute but didn’t think too much into it then SHE meets him and is like gone from there #this is an oc post plS disregard my ramble #there’s also the thing that amara is just a flirty person so her flirting at first is to really ease tension etc later it’s like #yeah I like him and will compliment him at every go #leon kennedy #repeat this is an oc post

[jeonqkooks]

the concept of friendship just really amazes me sometimes like it really is quality > quantity and found family is just so beautiful to me ugh

#not to get sappy on main but! #these past few days i've just been appreciating my friends so much #they've been paying extra attention to me lately bc they're all flying home in a week and i'm the only one staying here #the friend who bought me a candle yesterday said i could light it when i'll be home alone and think of them and i was like- #my heart is cracking #and my friend/roommate just told me she's going to the store and asked me if i wanted anything before we watch the world cup #<- which isn't a grand gesture or anything but i appreciate the little things so much like awh you're thinking of me #i think they also feel bad for me bc i haven't been home/seen my parents in 3 years lol 💀 #anyway if i could tell my 17-year-old self that everything's gonna be okay </3 #cuz that bitch had the shittiest experience when it came to friends lol #anyway i'm gonna fuck off now <3 we're for argentina today by the way! #jen rambles

[yellobb]

Well either I’m randomly having a much worse time, my period is about to start, or the lowered dosage of my antidepressants is NOT enough

#m rambles #I’ve cried at work two days in a row over things that wouldn’t usually get to me #I’ve actually cried several times today over little things #and I feel the shittiest about myself I have in a bit

[im-with-nasa]

how to feel like a good partner who is giving enough to a relationship no glue no borax

#3am shenanigans 🥴 #i find it so difficult to comprehend how every day my gf wakes up and chooses me #even after the mistakes ive made #alternatively how to feel like you are made to receive and deserve love that i am given without feeling guilty and like you want to throw u #ramblings #she deserves the world not the shittiest girl in the world #one day she'll realize #like everyone eventually does

[spiffingbeansoup]

people will find put you’re autistic and therefore gullible and just see how far they can push it huh

#my rambles #just had the shittiest day #went to a friend’s house and the other person there just spent the entire time lying to me about who they were #and just #way to make a person feel like a monkey in a circus #it jyst triggered all of my various traumas #i don’t understand why you would just do that to a person

[l00katthesky]

——

#man I’d love to know stuff #be knowledged and well taught about something #or whatever #like my current job? she‘s out. at least in this company #I’d love to learn so much but also keep it in my brain!!! that’s be sick #insanity these past few weeks #i need to ramble on here to get off some steam and let out some thoughts and rants #i love knowing stuff!!! being able to learn awww #how come the closer I get to the weekend the more insane my brain gets? she‘s spiraling a little bit!!!!! #like mondays are chill but the other days are going OFF also by being at work yesterday today and possibly tomorrow I‘m starting to miss #working from home but I feel so TRAPPED at home the perfect day would be working 8-12 at workplace and 13-16 at home #but I’m just happy I’m aware of all the insanity happening within me! I notice! I see and I learn! today I kept quiet/calm/not too frowing #while having the shittiest/most exhausting pets of the day #but as my role I need to not be so stressed out I need my teams to trust me and see me as a helper as their support and not as the one goi #ng crazy

[jankwritten]

I never realized how much cleaning was a peace and relaxation thing for me until somebody sat down and started talking to me nonstop while I’m trying to clean.

#I love my grandma so much but holy shit I cannot handle conversation today #I can barely listen to her because she turned the tv on and I don’t want to watch it but I can’t not hear it and also she’s talking while #the show is going so I’m overwhelmed #escaped to my room but I feel even worse about it because I just want to get this shit done #and also my dad needs to help us but ofc he has actual work to do and won’t be free until closer to 5 and also likely won’t WANT to help #even though he’s been talking about cleaning this place up for literal months #I’m just. having a bad day lmao #a bad day that hurts more because yesterday was a really good day after a slew of just the shittiest time I’ve had #vent post #sorry #I didn’t mean to turn this into s vent post #rhys rambles

[adraughtofamortentia]

.

#i am so sleepy right now #like so sleepy i dont even feel sleepy #weve transcended #its almost 10pm #and i started work at 630 am and have had the shittiest day #i am feeling all of the minutes of the day #rambles #THERE R SO MANY STORIES I cant even begin to unpack it

[bromple]

i’m rewatching gilmore girls again (shocker) i’m on s5 rn and i’m just. consistently taken aback by how much i adore rory. like she’s so sweet and lovely and charming. she loves the people in her life with everything she’s got and is always trying her fkn hardest. i love that she has a baby voice and giant blue eyes and freckles. i love that she makes the shittiest decisions possible when it comes to her love life. i love how well-intentioned she is and how whenever she makes a mistake she always works to fix it. i love how she rambles and reads 5000 books a day and catches people off-guard with dirty jokes because she’s normally so soft-spoken and polite. she is constantly trying to prove herself to everyone around her and she always glows whenever someone praises her. she is her mother and her grandparents and the citizens of stars hollow all rolled up into one neurotic, intelligent, wonderful being and she’s kinda having an identity crisis 24/7 and i wanna be her best friend so bad. she’s kind and selfless and loving and warm. she’s the definition of a comfort character. she’s so relatable for so many people and she means so much to me. i actually started crying while writing this. rory leigh gilmore i am in love with u.

#gilmore girls #rory gilmore #i have to stay away from the general gg fandom on most sites bc the widespread rory hate genuinely ruins my mood #like it is unhealthy how much i love this fictional girlie #i’ll kms 4 her <3

[unrecognized-planet]

FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE BASICALLY DEFENDING WILLIAM GOLD (WILBUR SOOT) BY SAYING HE'S AUTISTIC.

(starting notes: this is most likely going to be very much rambling and jumping from one thing to another. I am just very upset about the situation and what some people are saying about it and needed to clear my head.)

I, myself am autistic and ADHD and regardless of whether you realize it or not, you are stereotyping autistic people by basically saying that they don't know when to stop when asked and can't understand boundaries. Well!! spoiler alert!!! WE DO UNDERSTAND BOUNDARIES. AND IF SOMEONE ASKS US TO STOP IF WE'RE HURTING THEM/MAKING THEM UNCOMFORTABLE? WE WILL!!! WHY??? BECAUSE IT'S BASIC HUMAN DECANCY.

Autistic people are people too. With feelings, emotions, opinions, and boundaries. Just like every other human being on this planet. We are human, just with a more different mindset than most. And most Autistic people try their best to respect people's boundaries and to listen to people when they say no or to stop. If William Gold really is autistic and has a known habit of biting, he could have easily gone on Amazon and gotten a chewing necklace to help with the habit. They're like $5-11 and they almost always come in packs of 3-5 or more. I've had several throughout my life, and they really do help with said habit. So he has NO reason and NO excuse to be biting someone else instead. ESPECIALLY TO THE POINT THE PERSON IS SCREAMING AT THEM AND USING A SAFE WORD TO STOP.

And you people have to keep in mind that the biting isn't the only awful thing he's done to Shelby. He has physically abused her. He had pinned her down and had told her to try her hardest to get him off with full knowledge that she has been $e×ually assaulted before and then said something along the lines of that, he was so much stronger than her and that "she wouldn't be able to fight back". Had likely loved bombed her at the beginning of the relationship to make her stay(which, if you didn't know is a big red flag). Threw away almost all of her things after they broke up without even telling her. Manipulated her and gaslighted her (saying he wanted kids/marriage and then further into the relationship telling her he never wanted that & never said that) plus A LOT more.

Long story short:

-The autistic excuse is a load of fucking bullshit.

-PLEASE do some research about Neurodivergent people before you say anything relating to them online.

-While you're at it, research different kinds of abuse and manipulative behavior because you obviously don't understand that THIS? BITING someone to the point it HURTS AND THEY ARE SCREAMING? IS VERY CLEARLY ABUSE.

-Stop defending someone who already owned up to it (in the most shittiest and self-centered way possible, making it all about himself and also not even mentioning her NAME ONCE).

-Get off whatever social media platform you're on and either go play a game, go outside, read a book, or go to sleep if its late.

-And Always Support The Victim. NEVER The Fucking Abuser.

___________________________________________

(Final notes: I seriously recommend that you watch Shelby's VOD of you haven't and read these websites start to finish. You'll find a lot that relates back to William's behavior. Both inside and outside this relationship.

Shelby Shubble VOD

After reading them, I still recommend that you do more research about the topics I brought up. It could save your life one day.)

#shubble #shelby shubble #fuck wilbur soot #wilbur soot #tw abuse mention #tw bruises #tw biting #tw sex assault #tw manipulation #tw gaslighting #Youtube

[stealingyourbones]

Hello, first I would like to greatly apologize for any spam of likes I have sent your way because my brain decided to obsess randomly with Dp x Dc crossovers for the past few days. I'm not even into Dc comics, and I only watch Danny Phantom when I randomly it exists and the fandom pulls me back into its clutches until I'm able to finally escape only to be pulled back in a few months later. I write this to you at 1:30 am with a bag of shittily made popcorn with my cat accompanying me because my mind has decided to fall in love with Danny being taken care of by the Bat family and it's mostly you're fault. I hope you're happy. I want to kiss you so bad you have no idea. I've come up with so many scenarios and have the balls to share them with you cause I really like the way you write and since I'm not a writer I have no idea what I'm doing but here I go:

Danny and Dani are basically travelling the world, Danny would call it running from the cops but that doesn't have as nice a ring to it. (Situation can be up to you, bad reaction from parents, was framed, anything for Danny and Dani on the run with Danny having protective older brother vibes)

They end up in Gotham for a few nights to rest easily and its snowing cause I said so and theyre starving at this point. Danny's like "We need to hide and need shelter" and Dani's like "Dude look over there at that creepy mansion :D" And they have no idea that its not only very much inhabited, but a bunch of rich people live there (And the Bat family but who cares about that part)

Danny is obviously on the fence cause 1. He doesn't have a good history with rich people so why their houses and 2. They dont know whats in there what if a bunch of weirdos are staying there but they decide they're cold and need a place to rest so they fly in and luckily land in the kitchen.

The lights are off and they're to focused on finding food to notice two figures standing in the middle of the kitchen just watching them.

Dani pulls out a box of the shittiest cereal you can think that shouldn't be counted as cereal all happy "Danny, they have my favorite cereal!" And poor Danny's horrified, "Have you even ever had cereal before?"

They start rambling and then someone turns on the light its Alfred he was in the middle of boiling midnight tea for him and Tim.

And there's just 2 GLOWING awkward teens FLOATING, one's holding Bruce's 'cereal' clearly not assesing the situation and the other has a horrified expression on their face, and looks like on the verge of passing out.

Tim is way to sleep deprived thinking they're hallucinations and sits down, also on the verge of passing out, while Alfred just keeps boiling his tea.

Danny is sweating trying to figure out how hes gonna get them out if this situation and Danis just, munching on dry crappy cereal.

Albert like the God he is just fucking opens the fridge, looks Dani in the eye and asks "Would you like some milk with that, my lady?" And thats all I got out of me FOR THAT SCENARIO.

The other is I fucking forgot I took 30 mins to write all this I forgot what else I had Im so sleep deprived OH FUCK I REMEMBER IT WAS ABOUT DRUGS

Ok so tw for drugs (weed):

Ok so Danny's a teen he's stupid right, knowing him in the show he'd be the kid to decline drugs but then take a hit when his crush says "i KnEw YoU wEreNt coOl" yknow? Delicious social pressure.

Well he's like pretty much adopted by the Wayne's at this point so he's just chilling on the couch about to light a joint and Jason being the noble man he is snatches it out of Danny's hand like "Nono, bad small child dont do drugs" half joking and smokes it instead.

Danny's now panicking, silently following Jason to make sure he's alright and not dead or reacting badly to it.

"Yeah why wouldn't I be fine?" And the high kicks in.

The thing is is that it was ghost weed. And Jason for once feels completely calm, he doesn't feel a single bit of the pit its silent.

He's crying and Danny's like "Omg are you ok???" Thinking he poisoned his family/lover/whatever the fuck they are.

And Jason's just "This is some real good shit" silently sobbing, not even thinking about where Danny got it or why its doing this he's just happy.

And you can turn this into extreme angst by making him codependent or a comedy by him making high jokes

Ok thats it again I'm so sorry I just really had to tell someone this

Homie you, me, behind the Bat Burger; We shall marry at dawn. Man, it makes me so happy that you enjoy the stuff I write that much I’m really proud that I could bring you that much joy! Be sure to give your kitty some pets for me :).

Oh also, “not a writer”?! You spin a web of lies. This is incredible!! Sure it’s rambly, but that’s because you’re writing in a way that’s unsure of yourself. (It’s also very much so how I write so I feel you homie.) I still feel like my writing is equivalent to a middle schooler's but I do my best to shake that off. I don’t write fics because I’m bad at dialogue, I’m workin on it though! You simply just have to try and believe in yourself. You’ll reread it later and go, “Damn, did I just write that?!” And feel proud of what you accomplished. You absolutely have unique and brilliant ideas so take a shot at writing some stuff! I’m sure you’ll do great! :D

Also bro your: "what was I talking about? oH YEAH DRUGS!" was so unexpected. it made me laugh so hard so thank you for that :)

———

Danny and Dani are fucking floored that this stoic-ass old British man just rolled with seeing the two. Dani's eyes light up as she accepts the milk from the British guy. Snatching the fancy glass milk container, she haphazardly pours the milk into her bowl causing bits of cereal to ricochet the milk out of the bowl and flying absolutely everywhere.

Tim just stands still and stares at the two very much so Not Human entities that are currently in his house. The tired vigilante rummages around in his pocket for his phone and takes a quick photo of the scene in front of him.

Tim double takes glancing between the kitchen and his phone. At first he assumed they were hallucinations because no figures were present in the photograph… the floating bowl of cereal and spoon says otherwise.

#danny phantom #dp x dc #dpxdc #dc comics #writing prompts #bones replies #anon #genuinely dude your writing is fascinating! sorry it took me so long to get to your ask because this is INCREDIBLE

[blossom-hwa]

materializes on your blog's metaphorical doorstep hi lina :DD

can i get a uhhhh hanji best friends idiots to lovers au (where he thinks they've been dating for a while and get confused when mc confesses) ??

alright thanks lina :DD

- person who lives in ur walls

to the person living in my walls: please get out of there. it's really cold. at least let me give you a blanket. or accept this idiots to lovers au as a way to get warm idk it's so stupid and fluffy and everyone is an idiot so maybe it'll warm you up idk I'm rambling hope you enjoy

summertime drabble fest: send me an idol from the list (Stray Kids, Ateez, TXT, Seventeen) + a prompt (check out the post for ideas) and I’ll write a drabble for you!

REQUESTS OPEN!!

~

Title: Expectations, Complications

Pairing: Jisung x gender neutral!reader

Word count: 2.1k

Genre: fluff, a pinch of angst, best friends to lovers, university!au

Warnings: cursing

~

The minute Jisung hits play, you know you're fucked. 

Okay, no. Backtrack. Rewind. That's not where it starts—it's not even close. 

It starts in high school. Senior year, prom. No one asked you out, and no one asked Jisung, so you went with a crowd of your friends and their dates. You drank. You danced. You screamed and laughed and cried at the afterparty, and you ended up on the roof of the party house at four in the morning, drunk and giggly and Jisung's head on your shoulder. 

Still one of the best nights of your life, no contest. But it was in one of those moments, when you mumbled something incoherent and Jisung just giggled in response (before the two of you stumbled home together and spent the next morning nursing ridiculous hangovers in your respective houses), that you realized—that Jisung wasn't a friend. Not in the way you'd thought before, at least. That he was something else, something different, a friend and a thousand other things rolled into one—that you were fucked as hell for letting this happen. 

But no. Maybe not. Maybe it wasn't then. Not senior year, not prom, but when you finally got your driver's license in sophomore year and drove Jisung out to get boba at your favorite place for the first time. No need to ask a friend for a ride, no need to beg your parents to take you to get your stupid boba fix for the week. Just you, your parents' shittiest car, and Jisung in the passenger seat rolling down the familiar roads to the tiny little cafe, and then sweet drinks in hand with tapioca pearls chewy between your teeth as you watched Jisung laugh loud and hard, his eyes squinted against the afternoon sun. You didn't know, not then, but you did know. Somehow. You didn't but you did, and the image is burned into your mind and it's never once gone away. It never will. And that's how you know you're fucked. 

Except—it might not have been then. It could've been middle school, maybe. When someone kicked a soccer ball into your face and Jisung held your hand all the way to the tiny school clinic despite the fact that all middle schoolers thought holding hands was weird and gross. Or it could've been the summer before when you ran to the park together and jumped on the swings, rising higher, higher, higher into the air as the sun burned golden in the sky. Or maybe after the two week long fight you had (the longest one you've ever had, and you don't even remember what it was about) when you couldn't stand it anymore and decided to walk over to Jisung's house to apologize, only to swing open the door and find him on your doorstep first. 

It could have been anything. A thousand and one moments in time, spread out over the years that have passed. Elementary school, middle school, high school, your first years of college—boba stores, the mall in your hometown, the neighborhood park—it could have been anything. Any combination. But see, the point is—

It doesn't matter. 

It doesn't matter. None of it does. Not the exact day you knew, not the immediate second you realized, not the sheer length of time during which you've loved your best friend. Because you couldn't give an answer if someone asked, not to a single one of those questions, because with you, it's always been him. He's your beginning, your end. Your start, your finish. Everything you've ever known and wanted, everything you'll ever need. 

And so when Jisung hits play and the song he wrote for you begins playing through the headphones you bought him for his last birthday, you know. You've known all along, distantly, but now—

You know well and truly for certain that you are incredibly, irrevocably fucked. 

. . . . . There are tears in your eyes when the song finally ends and for a moment, Jisung's heart stops. Tears—what are they for? Happiness? Sadness? He didn't quite think that this song was—sad, per se, but maybe it was sadder than he thought, or too much too fast because after all you've only been dating for four weeks and five days—barely over a month—and god-fucking-damn-it now he's on the verge of hyperventilating because holy shit what if he just made the biggest mistake of his stupid twenty one years of life—

"I'm so sorry," he gasps out. 

You turn around in the chair to face him but he can't meet your eyes. "I'm sorry, it was probably such a shitty song, or like I shouldn't have let you hear it now—it's too early and you probably weren't ready I'm so so so so sorry—" 

"No!"

The sheer volume of that single word ends his rambling. Which is pretty impressive given that when Jisung is nervous, he tends to talk. And talk and talk and talk. Which is—bad. At least now. Because you're taking a deep breath, way too deep for you to be saying anything good in the next beat, but all Jisung can do now is hold his own breath and pray. 

Dear God, if you can hear me, I know I haven't been the best when it comes to believing in you and I'm still mad you didn't hear my prayers last semester right before my Calc II final, but if I've done even a single good thing in my life please don't make it so that I messed this up, not when it's barely been a month since I started dating Y/N.

"Jisung, I..." You take the headphones off, placing them carefully on the desk. Your fingers twist in your lap, a familiar nervous habit of yours that doesn't do much to quell the anxiety building in his throat. 

When you don't continue, Jisung opens his mouth. He can't help it. He needs to say something, anything, apologize again and pray that you'll help him forget this ever happened—

"I'm so sorry," you blurt out.

Jisung's heart drops. Shatters on the ground. I'm so sorry. He messed up, he messed up so bad—

"I'm sorry," you repeat, and your eyes are so shiny with tears it hurts. "I—I can't do this anymore."

He tries to speak. To move. Salvage something of this relationship. But nothing happens. Every muscle in him has frozen. 

"Jisung, I—" The tears start to spill. "I'm so sorry. I can't do this. I love you, I love you so much and I—it's not just as a friend—"

Wait. 

What?

"The song was beautiful." You're properly sobbing now, hands harshly wiping the tears from your eyes as you hunch over in the chair while Jisung still can't move. "Brilliant and lovely and I just—I can't. Because I know you just think we're friends—"

What the fuck. 

"—but I can't keep it in anymore, I can't keep just thinking of you as a friend because I love you, I've been in love with you for so long it hurts, and I—I won't be able to stand it if this song was just about our friendship because I—it would hurt too much—"

"Y/N."

Jisung's mouth moves without his brain telling it to. And to his surprise, you stop talking. He hadn't thought he'd quite spoken loud enough for you to hear. 

"I—Y/N." All the fear that's been building up since the start of your spiel melts away into pure confusion because—what the fuck? The two of you have been dating for a month now, four weeks and five days—he asked you to dinner and said "it's a date" and you didn't disagree, just smiled so widely and nodded—and he held your hand and you talked for hours and then he walked you to your dorm and—

"Haven't we been dating for a month already?"

You blink. Once. Twice. Three times. Silence stretches for a moment that seems way longer than just a moment, and then you finally open your mouth and utter a single word. 

"What?"

Oh, fuck. Now he's panicking. "I—I asked you out, right, like for dinner? A month ago? And then I said 'it's a date' and I—you said yes, I think if I haven't been hallucinating this whole time, and we got dinner and it was a date and then we kept going out—like to the amusement park last week? Just us? Were they—" And now for all his rambling a couple seconds ago, his voice dwindles to a whisper because his throat suddenly hurts and he's not going to be able to stand it if you say no—

"Were they not dates?"

Your mouth opens and closes. At least you've stopped crying, Jisung thinks helplessly. 

"I—I thought you meant that as a joke." Your voice is barely a whisper, hoarse and confused and god fucking damn it, Jisung really wants to hug you right now. "I thought—I mean, we get dinner together all the time, we do all these things together, I thought you were just being…normal?"

Oh dear. 

Oh fucking dear. 

"But it was just us two!" Jisung bursts out. You flinch. Oh, shit. Too loud. "Sorry," he apologizes, hunching into his shoulders. "But—I—it was just us two, all these times. Right?"

You blink about a million times again. "…Right."

"I meant them to be dates," Jisung says miserably. God, he's such a fuck up—how did he fail at asking you out this badly?

You swallow. Your throat bobs once, twice, a third time. "So we've been dating…this whole time?"

Jisung cringes. "I thought we were."

"Oh." You cringe too now, eyes riveted to your fingers twisting tightly in your lap. "Wow. I'm so stupid."

"No, I am." Jisung squeezes his eyes shut, then forces them open again. "Sorry. I should've been clearer—I mean, uh, assuming you still want to date, it's totally okay if you don't I guess—"

"No!"

Jisung freezes. No as in what? You don't want to date? You want to date? He shouldn't have been clearer? What—

"No," you repeat, voice softer now. "I—I really want to date you, Jisung. I really do." Your words are trembling but this time your gaze is steady. "I really, really want to. I'm just—I'm sorry I didn't realize it when you asked the first time."

Jisung laughs nervously. Scratches the back of his neck. "Well, uh, I probably could've asked better. More directly." He cringes. God, he's such a fucking embarrassment. "Sorry."

"It's not your fault I'm dense." You give him a little sheepish smile and Jisung nearly faints, it's so good to see a smile on your face after he just made you cry with a song. "Does that mean…this song…"

Ah. Yeah. "That was a song about you," Jisung says quietly. His ears are probably so, so red. "About how I…I really love you."

In your seat, you remain still for one moment, then two. Then, just as Jisung's about to start screaming out loud instead of just in his head because what if that was too much too soon too, you launch yourself off the chair and into his arms. 

"Oof."

"Sorry." Your lips move against his shoulder as his arms automatically slide around your waist, pulling you closer as he always has—since the day so many years ago when you decided to be best friends on the playground and sealed it with a hug. "I love you. A lot. And—" You take a deep breath, shaky in your throat but not with tears this time, just a little bit of a laugh. "I'm sorry I'm so stupid."

Slowly, slowly, Jisung's hand rises up your back. Comes to stop behind your head, holding you as close to him as he can. 

"It's okay," he murmurs, a smile finally beginning to curve his own lips. I love you so much. "And, uh. Don't worry." He cringes into you, but it doesn't feel so bad now. Not when he's pressed against your warmth this time and can feel your smile against his shoulder. "I'm a little stupid, too."

#stray kids #skz #jisung #han #han jisung #stray kids jisung #stray kids han #skz han #stray kids jisung scenarios #stray kids han scenarios #stray kids scenarios #skz scenarios #stray kids x reader #stray kids jisung x reader #han jisung x reader #skz han x reader #skz x reader #skz han scenarios #stray kids han x reader #drabble #fluff #angst #university!au #cw cursing #expectations complications #summertime drabble fest #lina answers #chip 🍪 #blossom-hwa

[beautifulhigh]

“And that is why Alex says he loves Henry on purpose. Because he is making the active choice to be with Henry, to forge a forever with him…”

All of it is beautifully persuasive and on point. But this section in particular convinced. You reminded me of Alex and Bea’s conversation and it all makes sense now. I should reread the book 😌Thank you for answering my ask so eloquently. Sincere apology to Alex, that sweet, romantic little shithead.

I'm glad my ramblings made sense! But yeah, Alex is actively choosing Henry - especially in that moment - and it's the first time that someone outside of Bea and Pez (and Shaan but the dynamics there are different) is putting him first.

I think it matters that Alex goes to Henry in that moment. Because outing is shitty enough to begin with but it's a whole other storm for Henry. It would have therefore been easy for Henry to have wanted to escape that, to run away to the 'Land of the free' and hole up in the White House as he threatened to do once.

I should have just packed a bag like I said. I could be in your bed, languishing away until I perish, fat and sexually conquered, snuffed out in the spring of my youth.

Instead he's trapped in Kensington, trapped in the palace and the institution, and Alex doesn't come to save him or rescue him, despite the quip about being "Bit short for a stormtrooper". (hashtag #imtaller)

The moment that stands out for me in that scene is this:

but they meet in the middle of the room

They meet in the middle. Alex has come to Henry, he has stepped beyond the wall that separates them, but here they meet in the middle.

“And I said, ‘That’s great, Mum, but as long as you’re letting Gran keep me trapped, it doesn’t mean a fucking thing,’” Henry says. Alex stares down at him, shocked and a little impressed.

Henry is trapped in his circumstances, the palace, the family he's been born into, but when he's with Alex he's freer than he could ever be. Alex gives him that space, carves it out. (it's like the fireside scene from the movie where Henry has the line about the prince's heart "did beat freely once more" and I cried over that because Alex gives Henry freedom.)

Alex loves Henry, deeply and fiercely and forever, and so the next step is logical to him:

“Can you explain?” he attempts lamely. “What [Henry's grief over Arthur is] like? What I can do?”

He wants to know because he wants to know what he can do. He wants to understand so he can act, even if it means doing nothing. If that's what Henry needs then that is what he will do. I've read some beautiful fics that show Alex actively caring for Henry during a depressive or grief-filled episode, and I've read fics where all Alex does is be there with him. And both of those choices are valid and perfect because Bea tells Alex what he needs to do.

“Do you understand?” she asks him, looking right into his eyes. “You need to understand this to be with Henry. He is the most loving, nurturing, selfless person you could hope to meet, but there is a sadness and a hurt in him that is tremendous, and you may very well never truly understand it, but you need to love it as much as you love the rest of him, because that’s him. That is him, part and parcel. And he is prepared to give it all to you, which is far more than I ever, in a thousand years, thought I would see him do.”

My brother will love you to the ends of the earth but there will be days when he will struggle to love himself. And you need to know that you are getting both Henrys.

There is a reason why "for better or for worse" is a traditional wedding vow. It's because you are promising to be with that person, to love that person, to support them through the shittiest times just as much as you will celebrate the best of times with them.

Sonnet 116 Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me prov'd, I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.

To use the Bard's words, love is not love if it fucks off the second things get too hard. Love is not love if it decides that "nah, I liked the person you were yesterday more, please stop growing and changing even if it is just happening because I understand and know more about you". Every single one of us is altering with every single day. We get a little older, a little wiser. Things happen and we have to change and adapt. We reveal a little bit more about ourselves.

Love is not love if it decides that something is too ugly or depressing.

The more Alex comes to know and understand Henry, the more he loves him. And even when he finds out about Henry's depression he's not noping out of there. He's turning up - literally and metaphorically - and we had the foreshadowing that he would do this long before this awful moment:

Listen: I’ll fly to London right now and pull you out of whatever pointless meeting you’re in and make you admit how much you love it when I call you “baby.” I’ll take you apart with my teeth, sweetheart.

If you want out of the meeting then I will do that. If you want to be taken apart then I will do that. If you want to be held then I will do that. Tell me what to do, let me do the things that I know you love because I know you and I want to show you that I know you.

Henry subjected himself to the mortifying experience of being known and it results in them getting married. Because Alex fell in love and he made the choice to see it through. He could have bailed at any time - hell, Henry himself even gave him an out. And what was Alex's response to that?

He wrote him a list and ended with this:

20. The fact that you loved me all along I keep thinking about that last one ever since you told me, and what an idiot I was. It’s so hard for me to get out of my own head sometimes, but now I’m coming back to what I said to you the night in my room when it all started, and how I brushed you off when you offered to let me go after the DNC, how I used to try to act like it was nothing sometimes. I didn’t even know what you were offering to do to yourself. God, I want to fight everyone who’s ever hurt you, but it was me too, wasn’t it? All that time. I’m so sorry. Please stay gorgeous and strong and unbelievable. I miss you I miss you I miss you I love you. I’m calling you as soon as I send this, but I know you like to have these things written down.

(Emphasis is mine. Obvs.)

Alex knows that he has been loved since the Olympics, and the way that Henry has loved him has changed (which is different to altering) because to begin with Henry denied himself Alex to protect himself, and then after the DNC he offered to deny himself Alex to protect Alex. To give Alex a shot at his dream and life plans, all the things that Henry didn't think he could be a part of.

That moment, that offer Henry made, is before the storming of Kensington when everything is laid bare for Alex - how Henry thought he could have something, a small piece of Alex until Alex got bored or frustrated and then left him. (The infererence that other people have done that to Henry in the past will never leave me or not break my heart.) But now Henry knows that Alex is all in, will wait for however long it takes for them to work this out, and so that email is Alex's promise and reminder of that. The stream of "I miss you" without pause going straight into "I love you" makes it clear - Alex isn't even pausing for breath to let Henry know this and he will speak to Henry before he reads this but Alex knows him. Knows he likes to "have these things written down".

Here is my promise to you. Here is that reminder. Here is my choice.

So when Bea tells Alex that he needs to love and accept all the parts of Henry because Henry is willing to give Alex all of those pieces of him, Alex's response is instant. He's already made that choice, even if he didn't consciously realise it. So much of his relationship with Henry has been unconscious and he's caught up with his brain weeks, months, years later down the line.

“But I’ve always felt it, in him. There’s this side of him that’s … unknowable.” He takes a breath. “But the thing is, jumping off cliffs is kinda my thing. That’s the choice. I love him, with all that, because of all that. On purpose. I love him on purpose.”

Alex knows that he will never fully understand what it was like for Henry to lose his father in the way that he did. He can be told the story and he can see the effect of it but he cannot understand it. Not fully. His love-as-a-noun is looking on the tempest of Henry's emotions and he's not moving.

He is choosing to stand on the cliff and he is choosing to jump off it. He loves Henry. He loves the Henry who has depression and grief so visceral it incapacitates him. He loves the Henry who crafts words so carefully to express more than the words themselves ever could. He loves the Henry who is funny and smart and cutting with his wit. He loves the Henry who gives himself up so completely and loves so deeply.

Alex loves Henry all the more because he sees just how strong and brilliant he is behind the polished veneer of the Prince of Wales. (For this I could copy in the entire maps email, or the scene after the LA hotel night when Alex watches Henry transform himself into the Prince.) Alex loves Henry all the more because he is let in on those dark moments, that Henry trusts him and wants him there when he is at his most vulnerable.

Alex loves Henry for who he is, and Henry is who he is because he's been through all the things he's been through. The perfect version of the prince that Alex sneered at at the beginning of the book, the one that he was enamoured with but didn't have the words or the emotional intelligence to understand why, has been altered with each new revelation. Alex has discovered more and more about who Henry is behind that front he puts on to the world and he's still here, standing in Kensington, telling Bea he's not going anywhere. Even if he never fully understands it, even if this part of Henry remains slightly shrouded to him because he can understand the concept but not the reality.

Alex's love did not alter when it alteration found.

#jen answers stuff #anonymous #overthinking jen is overthinking #sorry - didn't plan on another meta when you sent this but here we are #firstprince #alex claremont diaz #prince henry of wales #henry fox mountchristen windsor #red white and royal blue #rwrb #otp: history huh