#Recognizing Red Flags

[livelifeintentionally]

Forging Connections Amidst Complex Trauma: Navigating Relationships and Attachment

Embarking on this multi-part blog series, we’re about to dive deep into the concept of “Safe People” and equip ourselves with the knowledge to recognize individuals who may not be safe for us – those who exhibit toxic traits. What is an unsafe person? Pause and reflect: Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that seemed perfect at first, only to unravel as time went on? A prime example…

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#Emotional Safety #emotional well-being #Healthy Connections #Personal Growth #Recognizing Red Flags #Relationship Dynamics #Safe Relationships #self-awareness

[decolonize-the-left]

Hey this might be a weird question but you seem to know a lot about the strategies TERFs use and what they're hiding, so I just wanted to ask and you don't have to answer.

Why do so many TERFs have this weird hostility towards bi and ace people? I don't think either of those identities have anything to do with being trans but I've seen so many TERFs who are also biphobic and/or aphobic. My gut instinct was that there was some large overlap between bi/ace people and trans people, but then I've found TERFs give shit to cis bis and aces so I'm not sure if it's that or some other reason. I'm not trans myself but I want to be able to recognize TERF rhetoric to be a better ally to trans people.

A couple reasons.

First one is that hating bis/aces is at the entrance of the TERF pipeline; they utilize this 'soft bigotry' to radicalize LGBTs and it usually looks like this:

To recruit queer ppl first they try to get us to stop considering aces as Oppressed. That's how it starts. They're aren't Doing anything so how can they be oppressed? They don't know what it's like to marginalized....how could they? They're just stealing the spotlight of Actually oppressed ppl

And once you accept that they turn to bisexuals. Who are only half gay, you know? And most of them date men anyway or end up marrying men so like? How the hell would they know what it's like to literally Live oppression 24/7? Do we we really want them to have a voice and speak for those of us that don't have an escape from our oppression?

This works because on the surface TERFS/Radfems appear to care about women and gender equality, which a lot of queer people obviously support. But they exploit those of us that don't know enough about feminism's intersectional (and very gay) history to identify them as bad actors.

From here the person they've targeted will either a- accept this and likewise will eventually also accept that trans oppression isnt real either (fulfilling the TERF's actual goal of recruitment) OR b- they'll realize they've been manipulated and try to deconstruct.

Secondly:

TERFs are white supremacist and their beliefs are founded white supremacist ideology and outdated scientific theories that Support white supremacist rhetoric.

It's called gender-essentialism which is a branch of bio-essentialism which is the belief that the biological body you have has inherent skills and abilities. Racists have used this to deny Black humanity just as TERFs use it to deny the existence of gender diversity.

But nobody is inherently weaker because of a uterus, nor are they bad drivers just because they have a uterus. All women are not good mothers just because they are women. Men are not all abusers just because they are men.

TERFs would have you swallow these beliefs; they're vital to maintaining the Core TERF Value that that trans people aren't Real and people with uteri are always helpless victims to be defended against evil men.

And as white supremacists their goal is to disrupt and destroy minority communities so that we are too divided to unify against legal attacks. TERFs do this from the inside out by putting bis/aces in a different category from the other queers while disguising their bigotry as feminist. They get us to voluntarily undermine and destroy our own movement this way by causing intercommunity "bi/ace discourse" that makes bis/aces out to be an enemy of "real" oppressed people (like transphobic lesbians for example)

Thirdly:

Lots of queer people are feminists which makes us easy targets and that's why they focus on the queer community. Additionally, the queer community has a history of being a threat to the white supremacist establishment so dividing us is vital to their goal of eventually wiping out anyone who isnt cis, straight, white, neurotypical, and able bodied

#asked #answered #white supremacy #whiteness #terf ideology #recognizing bigotry #terf bs #radfem bs #bigotry #equality #queer #lesbian #gay #bisexual #transgender #asexual #aromantic #exclusionist #solidarity #red flags to watch for #lgbtqia

[merakiui]

I find that one line hilarious because plot twist, and she DOES come home with a tummy full of eggs. I think the twins would find it hilarious if it was anyone BUT their baby sis 😂

The twins when literally anyone else knocks you up: how dare!!! 😡😡😡🔪🔪

The twins when Azul knocks you up: understandable. He can hardly net any friends as it is, so a mate is near-impossible. We’ll give him this win. 🤗 💕✨🌸 but the next season he pulls this we’re tearing his tentacles off one by one until the water’s blue with his blood. :) it’s only fair.

They give Azul his one (1) chance and that’s it. Good luck trying to marry him in the future. T-T the twins will have a hand in your life whether or not Azul wants that. Imagine you’re marrying him, but your belly is full of your step-brothers’ eggs. T_T or you’re trying to pick out wedding attire and your brothers keep shoving outfits in your arms that appeals to their tastes and not Azul’s. Or the honeymoon location being a place the twins want to take you to. At this point, you might as well just marry them instead. </3

#twisted chit chat #tw: stepcest #azul being the only sane one who recognizes the red flags while you remain stupidly oblivious #azul: your sister looks really pretty wearing the lipstick i bought her :D #jade: she’s a vision isn’t she? :) <3 #floyd: i hope she gives me head so i can have her lipstick prints on my dick!!!! :D #azul: what. #jade: i hope she gives me the same treatment #azul: WHAT?????? #they are WEIRD and GROSS ban them from swimming anywhere near azul’s angelfish

[furiousgoldfish]

All your childhood you've been fed the idea that violations of your boundaries should be interpreted as love. And sometimes it felt wrong, you could tell that something is not right; these people should not be causing you this much pain, all of their 'concerns' or 'fears' should not be controlling every aspect of your life and keeping you from having any freedom. Their 'short tempers' or 'issues' should not mean violence towards you is okay, their words should never make you feel this despised, worthless and disposable.

But when you complained, you heard 'No, they're your parents! They do this because they love you. They know better than you, they're only doing what is the best for you. They would never intentionally hurt you, you have to understand their side of the issue. You have to understand their intentions when they did this. You have to forgive them and love them the way they are. They had a tough life. You'll understand one day.'

And since everyone is claiming this left and right, you eventually accept it. Boundary violation is done out of care and love. When people cause you pain, you have to look at their feelings and intentions first and not take it personally. When someone feels the urge to control you, it's because they care. If someone lashes out at you, it's your job to take it and forgive. You don't fight back because these people all know better for you and have your well being in mind when they're doing all of these horrible, painful, sometimes even traumatic things to you.

And then using these guidelines you end up in the hands of predators, you have one abuser after another barging into your life, finding you a perfect target, and your soul feels crushed. Because not after all you already endured, not this, you don't deserve this again, you got this far believing that if you keep your good heart and kindness and compassion that somebody will love you, and you don't understand what you did wrong, why couldn't you be enough, why weren't you good enough so these people wouldn't hurt you.

And those same people from before, who told you over and over to tolerate and forgive and take boundary violations as love, these people will people look at what's happening to you and go 'Well why didn't you build proper boundaries' WELL WHY DO YOU THINK

#boundaries #boundary violations #child abuse #abusive parents #psychological abuse #teaching children to tolerate and accept abuse #traumatic childhood #abusive childhood to abusive relationship pipeline #learning to recognize boundary violations #red flags

[tippenfunkaport]

There is unfortunately a new art thief in our midsts.

Here is the original for the Glimmer haircut fan art (two pictures)

Please make sure to give love to the original!

Our wonderful fan creators work so hard to make us beautiful things for free, the least we can do is credit them for their hard work!

#glimmer #spop #shera #she ra #fanart #psa #I know some people are new to the fandom and don't recognize older art #But literally everything on that person's account is stolen and a different style for every picture #plus the name doesn't match the sig or sig is removed on everything which should be a big red flag #adora-amity-bligth steals from several fandoms including The Owl House (TOH) SPOP MLP and more #i used to just block the art thieves but more and more I've noticed people boosting them #and I realized apparently people don't know how to tell art is stolen unless someone mentions it #so here we are #she ra and the princesses of power #but to be clear ffs don't reblog stolen art unless you're doing it to link to the original artist to credit them

[mixelation]

btw if you ever read anyone expressing a scientific "fact" that involves any version of "....AND WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW/WHY!!" then that's a huge red flag

the fact that the speaker even knows enough to report on it means that someone out there has researched it. there are a fuck ton of things we don't understand fully, but if someone has studied it enough to report back on their findings, that means we have at least an iota of evidence or data. in my experience, if you look into things scientists "have no idea about," your results will range from "we don't understand this very well so experts are not going to use very definitive language, but here's what we do know and what theories we've constructed from that" to "this isn't 100% proven yet, but we have a lot of evidence and are fairly confident."

ofc there are some rare exceptions where we genuinely have no idea, but also sometimes we know exactly what causes something and OP literally just made shit up lmao

#i get annoyed when a post has REALLY obvious red flags #like hyperbolic language! that's what this is!! #and then someone corrects it as misinfo and all the replies are like 'but how was i supposed to know? :(' #like no you're not expected to just know things off the top of your head #but if you're going to exist online you do have a responsibility to learn to recognize red flags #and if you miss them to not just brush them off as HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW without self-reflection #because taking to second to figure out what flags you missed will help you no miss them again #like we all get tricked up misinfo but it frustrates me how many people are completely unwilling to think about what they read

[professuntothelord]

thing is, and again take this with a grain of salt if you'd rather take the fiction for what it is (fiction), but the childhoods of dean and sam can be such a compelling parallel for real-world childhood abuse that it does make for a wildly interesting analysis.

you've got this perfectly crafted scenario in which these children, dean particularly, are faced with a knowledge much greater than them - weight of the world type inappropriate for their age groups - but they can't tell anyone. they are fundamentally cut off from their peers in this knowledge. of course, the knowledge in question largely stands for the world of hunting and the monsters therein, but it's very much the abuse wrapped up within that, as well. dean's going to school, trudging through because he's a keeper of that information, and boy doesn't the world and the knowledge of your peers take on a scary triviality when you know that vampires exist, that demons make deals that take lives. it's a loss of innocence and the disconnect that stems from it. when you have to steal to better provide for your baby brother, sitting through algebra feels laughable.

and again, john's got this perfect narrative going for him in that save for bobby (perhaps best regarded as a healthier father figure, certainly not peer-level) and a few others, the boys cannot share their knowledge of monsters and thus they cannot likewise share the extent of their abuse or neglect. take it further, it's wrapped up in a bow of 'it's a greater good - this is why your mother died.' and you'd listen and you'd take it because why on earth wouldn't you? you love your dad, he loves you, and yeah, everything's gone to shit since mum died. when that's what's on the line, what else is there to do

it's an extraordinary compiling of trauma but despite its supernatural origins it does a shockingly interesting job as a parallel (though again, this is fiction, grain of salt) to real-world abuse

#i think that scene btwn dean and the girl in hs is a brilliant reflection of how the real world understood the bubble that dean and sam were #trapped in. it's recognized as a red flag; john's behaviour sans its supernatural element is enough for their peers to raise eyebrows #why wouldn't dean turn to sex and hook-ups #they're perfect. he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders; a knowledge that deems so much trivial. that causes an undeniable #disconnect from his peers. and here's sex- an outlet a release it's fun AND it doesn't cross the boundaries of relations #cw abuse #cw childhood trauma #spn thoughts

[athetos]

Okay this is something that has taken me years to come to terms with and I just need to get off my chest especially since im not in therapy anymore and honestly only a few close friends know this but talking about it is still hard and I want to be able to better forgive myself and get rid of some of the internalized shame that plagues me because of this, and like, just be more comfortable admitting this fact to myself so I can better heal from it. And I know it’s also triggering to a lot of people so I never feel like it’s ever appropriate to discuss I should have a therapist again maybe sometime. But I’m gonna just say it and maybe delete this later. But I’m a rape + abuse survivor and it’s took me years to even “unlock” this trauma and properly process it. I’ve come a long way but idk I just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been aching to come out but I also don’t wanna burden people.

#I want to ‘move on’ from this but I’m always gonna have ptsd and complicated triggers and. trying to make peace with that. #idk why it’s been at the forefront of my mind the past couple weeks #maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through #like oh man if I wanna love someone and marry them I have to learn to trust them and take that leap #and the fact that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship again #because as much as I tell myself I’d recognize the warning signs and would leave immediately #I truly will never know what I would do until it actually happens #and I think just the fear of falling for someone and having them turn out to be a scumbag is alone too much #I need to vet potential partners through multiple friend groups or something #my therapist always told me that the reason toxic and/or abusive people try to enter my life is because they can tell I’m vulnerable #like that I’m some sort of easy target because I was a people pleaser and empathize easily #and people realize they can get away with some shitty stuff and take advantage of me since I’m loyal and forgiving #I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I feel like I’m a lot more assertive and like. cognizant of red flags now. #but again… it’s a fear I have #idk what I’m even saying anymore.

[sojutrait]

scream, looked at ur current family tree and their traits. WHAT is miles aiming for perfection at??

LISTEN I DIDNT DO THAT WJRKDKDK he was actually a random uni student i saw on campus who i gave a makeover to and i was like awww he has nice traits. little did i know he was majoring in VILLAINY

#i wouldn’t recognize a red flag if it smacked me in the face #asks #anon

[jennifersbod]

my life would be so much easier if i didn’t have The Opinions (strong)

#like tbh a step dad/moms bf WOULD be good… if he didn’t give off a thousand red flags #both politically and criminally (oops) #like if i just didn’t recognize it and ignored it/could deal it would be so much easier #like he even has a daughter my age but i just Can’t get past That #also wouldn’t necessarily have had the falling out with my ex roommate but i digress #anyway thinking thoughts because i’m still fucking sick #personal

[sysig]

Yandere x Yandere is an underused trope imho (Patreon)

#Doodles #Original #Yanderapy #Surprise surprise! They're both yanderes lol #That was actually the main element of the accidentally-combined-ideas - one of them was supposed to be not-yandere in one of them #Buuut I do stand by that yandere/yandere couples are underutilized for comedic and dramatic purposes and I'm only too happy to do it myself #In this case it's more on the comedic side because they're rather yandere-Lite™ - neither of them are interested in Hurting the other #Being weird and all up in each other's business and a little toxic and thinking about each other a lot? Yes lol #But also part of the comedy is that Because they're so into each other there's not really any need to escalate to violence #They just like each other too much! #And also Mitsuru was in therapy enough to pick up on some red flags of his own to curb so when he sees them in the wild he has workarounds #Ishida is pressing a boundary (and he knows it) to see if he can get Mitsu to agree to isolate himself #The thing with Mitsu is he's also a little dumb and innocent ♪ He's slow to pick up social cues and process new information #So he sees the behaviour (using negative-talk as a way to isolate) and instead falls back on his established skill (setting boundaries) #Without recognizing that Ishida meant anything malicious by it or that the response he was trying to illicit failed lol #He's a bit lovestruck as well so of course he's going to assume the best! Ishida also thinks it's cute so he knocks it off after a while lol #If I ever do go into drama with these two it's going to be interesting >:3c I do have some ideas just In General but them specifically hmmm #For now I'm happy to have them just be a silly comedic duo tho haha

[cjbolan]

Probably unpopular opinion: I dislike the way Mary&Jake were written after Book 3.

I’ve complained a lot about them in Book 4, but even after that book when they’re become more likeable, they read like the standard predictable sitcom style boring-nagging-wife-and-her-fun-lazy-irresponsible-spineless-husband trope.

I miss when Mary & Jake subverted those tropes in the first 3 books. Where Mary’s the more serious parent but still has a sense of fun, to the point she spends more time having fun than with her child. And Jake being the more fun parent slowly learned how to be a more serious parent. He doesn’t just back up his wife’s rules; he has his own set of rules for their daughter.

#reading Emily Windsnap as an adult has made me both love and hate these two a lot more #maybe bc finding so much to love in this series makes it easier to find things I don’t love #maybe bc rereading as an adult with relationship experience makes me recognize more relationship red flags for Mary and Jake #if EW were a sitcom Mary Penelope would be the villain #which sucks because Mary started out as the furthest thing from a sitcom mom #and I loved that #revisiting EW as a woman has truly strengthened my feelings for the women in this series #Emily windsnap #Mary Penelope Windsnap #Jake Windsnap #middle grade fiction #Liz Kessler

[truckstoptigers]

I don't know why I keep thinking about this because I'll never get an answer but why didn't ANYONE on my father's side think anything weird was going on??? I know I dwell on it too much but when I really think about it I don't know how anyone thought it was normal that he would drive me to random places, leave me there for several hours, and then come back with me later. I wasn't there often enough to make friends/get to know neighbours.

and even if they didn't notice that, HOW would my behaviour not give something away?? whenever he would come back with me I was always pale, quiet, sullen, and preferred to hide in my room or to sit by myself in the basement. sometimes I was crying. a lot of the time I came back walking funny, too, and bleeding, which wasn't always hidden well. I just don't get it. I don't understand.

it's like with my ex stepmom's brother - why didn't anyone think it was strange for him to be so touchy-feely with me the very same day we met? because he was technically 'in the family'? I suppose that could make sense, but he had his hands & arms all over me. I get that he also would technically be my uncle, but again, we had just met!!! for him to have his arm around my shoulders, kissing my cheeks and trying to sit me in his lap is just fucking weird to me. I don't know. especially because I'm sure my discomfort was visible. I wasn't good at hiding how things made me feel yet.

even earlier than that, how could my brother's mom not notice something was amiss? he would take over an hour to 'put me to bed' at night and she never wondered why? or, again, why he would be taking me somewhere, dropping me off, then going back for me later? sometimes after dark??? we LIVED with her then. maybe he said he left me at my cousins' for a while, because I could see that being believable. maybe that's it. that's the only option I can think of for people not to notice.

I mean, before I went to his house on his weekends I would sob and sob and beg my mom not to make me go, but she didn't know why. I never said anything. I would just say I didn't want to go, and that wouldn't work because my mom would get in legal trouble for not exchanging custody without reason. my brother's mom would've certainly encouraged him to bring my mom to court again. that should have been a red flag, too.

I was considered a pretty 'off' kid when I was little, to the point that it concerned several teachers given the things I spoke and wrote about. nothing about hurting other people, but I had several that worried about me being completely quiet and withdrawn. that only changed around third or fourth grade. they mostly only worried about what I was reading because I drew a lot of graphic Warriors fanart lol.

I guess it just like... hurts? in a way? it makes me angry but at the same time it also just makes me really sad. there are definitely people i'm angrier at than others for what happened - or what didn't happen, I guess. I'm not mad at my past self for not telling anyone, because she did the best she could with what she had to deal with. she lived in constant fear for her life. I can't blame her for that.

I just wish someone noticed, is all.

#when i look back now i recognize a lot of red flags in my own behaviour that im shocked no one else seemed to have noticed #even i didnt realize how many there were until recently. there were just ones that were considered more concerning than the ones i exhibite #like i had no idea wanting to bathe multiple times a day was one of them bc i had only heard of kids refusing to take baths yk?? #a lot of the 'weird' things i did were actually trauma responses i wasnt even aware of and that messes w me a lot admittedly #milo murmurs #trauma vent #csa vent #tw csa vent #csa tw #im more angry with my abusers than anyone else but. i really do wish just one person thought smth was off & tried to ask me about it #i like to think id tell them the truth but when i was that little & it was still happening... i was deathly afraid of telling #im not sure how it wouldve gone

[agentravensong]

i mentioned in the tags of my last post that I watched bride of frankenstein (1935) for my horror film class this past week, and i’ve been thinking a lot about it, specifically through a queer reading lens, as preparation for when we talk about it in class… and this morning, it led me to notice something neat on a kind of meta level that the movie does. spoilers ahead if you care.

the basic plot is that henry frankenstein’s old disgraced college professor, dr. pretorius, wants to partner up with him to create a mate for the monster. henry keeps turning him down, so Dr. P starts working on it on his own, planning to eventually force henry’s hand. meanwhile, the monster is trying to just live in the world and find a place in it, but everyone only sees him as, well, a monster, something evil to be destroyed (except for a blind man whom he forms a cute friendship with before having to leave him behind).

but then, when the monster goes to hide in a crypt, he finds Dr. P, chilling there having a meal after doing some grave-robbing, as ya do. and Dr. P’s like, “ah hey, it’s you! come eat with me, friend :) you know, you seem lonely. you know what you need? a partner, made from the same stuff as you. let’s see what we can do about that.”

so, the thing happening here that caught my eye is that Dr. P is actively doubling himself with the monster. Dr. P enters this film seeking a partner who will understand him and work with him, someone who’s gone down the same road, someone (metaphorically) made of the same stuff. now, in this meeting with the monster, he uses the monster’s loneliness for his own ends by projecting that same desire for an equal partner onto the monster. (and the fact that it’s specifically a romantic relationship bolsters the queer reading but that’s for another discussion)

and this in itself is interesting, that Dr. P does this doubling himself (kind of like when the villain says “we’re not so different, you and i”, but not as directly stated, at least in this instance, and to different ends). but it’s especially interesting in the context of how the film ends.

in short, the attempt to create a bride for frankenstein(‘s monster) who will love and understand him fails, arguably framed as an inevitability. this convinces the monster that there is no place in the world for him, so he pulls the switch in the lab that blows the whole place up (because of course they have that).

he lets henry, his creator, leave with his fiancé elizabeth. but he makes Dr. P stay. he says, “we belong dead.”

in other words, the monster sees himself in Dr. P, just as Dr. P primed him to for the sake of bonding with and using him. and therefore, when the monster decides “i must die”, by the same logic, he declares Dr. P must too.

in other other words, Dr P. doubling himself with the monster tied their fates together. when the monster became marked as doomed, he was marked as well, indirectly by his own hand.

and i think that’s a fascinating concept. and i feel like there have to be other examples - character a goes “hey, character b, you’re like me :)” only for character b to later decide “i have to die - and you, you who share my flaw(s), you have to die as well”; or for some third party to come to that conclusion about character b and then apply the same logic to character a who, if not for the connection they declared and fostered, otherwise would have been spared… but i’m struggling to come up with examples right now, so if other people have any, please share!

#bride of frankenstein #narrative nonsense #the closest example i can think of rn is flowey in no mercy #who believes the returned chara has come to the same worldview as him (with the player pushing them further and further toward that point) #only to realize right at the end what that actually means and be doomed because of it #the only thing is that chara doesn’t die as well #though they do kind of resign themself to being a demon and existing in an empty void. so #close enough? #moral of the story: be careful when you’re a character in a story who you recognize/declare as a foil #always be on the lookout for those ‘not making it out of this story’ red flags