#Or at least I hope it is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sassyduckqueen · 1 year

Text

A Little Bit of Magic- Lukanette Halloween

Hello guys! It’s been a while but I am back (kind of). I’ve been in a bit of the slump recently. Long story short, personal things going on affected my ability to write but I’m working through them. I can’t promise I’ll be updating ROA straight away but hopefully I’ll get back into the swing of it. Anyway, here’s some spooky lukanette fluff for you that I wrote for Halloween (even if I’m a little late in my country) and the @lovebugs-and-snakecharmers 500 followers. Congrats on that by the way guys. Proud of ya! Now admittedly I couldn’t find a prompt from the given list that jumped out at me so I went through some of the older prompts that had been used before and ended up picking cursed so here’s what I’ve done with it. I hope you enjoy it and I hope everyone had a good Halloween :D

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marinette licked her lips nervously as she paced outside of the shop she had come to visit. Well, visit wasn't exactly the right term. Actually it kind of was but not because she intended to visit. Well, she did but she was here because she felt like she was running out of options. Recently she had experienced severe bad luck that seemed to get worse each day. At first it wasn't bad like pricking her finger with her needles or losing some fabric that she needed for a commission. Annoying but not bad. However, it began to increase. Briefly misplacing her foot soon turned into her falling down a couple of stairs but it didn't stay like that. Soon she found herself getting more and more injured. Her parents got increasingly worried so they made her go to the doctors, despite being an adult yet despite their tests, they found nothing and then the 'bad' luck took a more mysterious turn. Exploding lights and cars nearly hitting her. Animals began to act weird around her, like cats would hiss and hide from her and dogs would whimper and bark. The accidents also kept increasing so she decided to look into causes for her bad luck. She thought maybe it was an unknown or rare medical thing but the only thing that came up in the search was one thing. She had been cursed. At first, she didn't believe it but then with the fire in the bakery when she was visiting and her best friend breaking her leg for no reason , she realised it might be the only option and if it was, she had to find a way to get rid of it before it killed her and hurt anyone else because that's where it appeared to be going. As to why she had been cursed, she couldn't really think of the reason. Sure, there was her rival Chloe Bourgeois. She was the daughter of the fashion Queen Audrey Bourgeois but her style was to humiliate people. Not voodoo. Plus she liked to take credit. It helped with her queen bee act. It also meant that she wasn’t the person behind the curse but Marinette couldn’t think of anyone else who would want to curse her. She got on with everyone but Chloe in her class so she had no idea who it was or how to break it, which is what led her here. Couffaine Curiosities. Apparently, it was an occult shop so maybe they might have a solution for her. She took a deep breath and pushed open the door, only to proceed to trip and knock into a bookshelf which then began to fall on her. She screamed and covered herself with her arms.

“Ezeerf!” A voice shouted, causing the bookshelf and the books to freeze midair. Marinette’s eyes widened as she stared in shock. “Ecalp lufthgir rouy ot nruter,”

The books and bookshelf moved back into its place, causing her to stare in shock even more before footsteps echoed coming closer to her.

“Are you ok?” The same voice asked, causing her to look at its owner. She was half expecting him to be an old wise looking man with a long grey beard and starry robes but to her surprise, he looked nothing like Gandalf or Master Yen Sid from Disney. In fact, he was only a couple of years older than herself and had a punk look going on. His hair was black with blue tips, he wore a blue hood, a jagged stone t-shirt and black ripped joggers with awesome looking shoes (she was sure they were customized). His nails were painted black and he wore several bands on his wrist. Her eyes were a sparkling blue that resembled the ocean and he had the kindest smile, causing her to blush. Especially as he extended his hand to her. She carefully placed hers in it and he pulled her to her feet, making her blush even more before he turned over her hand and frowned. “Seems you have quite the curse on you,”

“Y-You can tell?” She asked, still in awe.

“Well, I am a witch,” He replied, making her blink before he chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’m a white witch,”

“A white witch?” She asked, unsure of what he meant.

“I’m the good kind,” He replied, making her breathe out a sigh of relief that she hadn’t realised she had been holding.

“Can you get rid of the curse?” She asked but she was unsure if it was a curse. Still, she hoped he could.

“I can,” He confirmed, nodding. She let out a sigh of relief again. “I wouldn’t be a very good witch if I couldn’t but it will need a little more than an incarnation. Follow me… and keep hold of my hand. I can keep the effects of the curse at bay,”

“R-Really?” Marinette asked, blushing a little. He was really cute after all. He nodded and gave her a soft smile before beginning to lead her through the shop before they came to the back of the store. He pulled across a curtain and led her to a table and chairs. “Have a seat,”

“R-Right,” She nodded, sitting down. He let go of her hand, causing her to feel heavy suddenly. She frowned as he grabbed a bowl before he began to fill it up with plants. “Um… I’m Ma-Ma-Marinette by the way…”

“Hello, Ma-Ma-Marinette,” He replied, smiling as he looked over at her before he turned away and added more to the bowl. Marinette frowned a little as it felt like he was mocking her. He didn’t seem that way at first but maybe he was. Maybe he couldn’t break her curse and was just playing with her. She looked back over at him, only to see that he was looking at her again. However, his expression had changed. He looked embarrassed and remorseful. “Sorry. I tend to make more sense with music. In fact… cisum s'traeh reh yalp,”

Once again, Marinette found herself amazed as the soft sound of a guitar began to play, connecting with her on an emotional level. It was as if it was playing what she was feeling inside. She couldn’t help but close her eyes as she listened. Slowly, the melody faded out.

“Did you enjoy the music?” He asked, making her nod. “I’m glad. Oh… I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Luka,”

“It’s nice to meet you, Luka,” She smiled, causing him to smile back. “Can I ask how you did the trick with the music?”

“Magic,” He replied, smiling. “But you’re still not sure,”

“You're right… but it felt like… me,” She replied as he added another ingredient to the bowl before grabbing something that resembled a tiny club and began to grind the herbs. “Like what I feel,”

“That’s because it was,” He replied, making her blink. “I’m an empath. I can feel people’s emotions and I use music to help me understand what they need. It’s the song from your heart that I had play. You see music is often simpler than words, Marinette,”

“Wow,” She replied, amazed. Luka gave her a smile. She was starting to believe

"Almost done," He replied, continuing to grind the herbs until they were nothing more than a fine dust.

"So what are the plants going to do?"

"They are herbs that are used to break hexes and counter negativity," He replied, looking through the drawers. "The level of your curse is quite powerful so I need more than just the herbs. Did you offend anyone recently?"

"Not that I can think of," She replied, causing him to frown. "How bad is the curse?"

"Well, let's just say you probably should have come here sooner but it's a good thing you finally got here," He replied, taking out a jar and placing it on the table before going back to the cupboards. "Whoever cursed you knew exactly what they were doing,"

"That sounds like it was intentional," Marinette replied, frowning. Why would anyone curse her? She tried to be a good person. Her parents taught her that manners were extremely important and to always help people. She tried to be a good person. She tried so hard. She felt tears fill her eyes but before she could cry, Luka knelt down in front of her.

"Hey, been cursed doesn't mean that you're a bad person," He stated in a calm voice, gently taking her hand in his. Instantly, she felt calm.

"But… then why was I cursed?"

"It could be a number of things," He replied, making her blink. "Envy, Spite or just because they're just a nasty piece of work,"

Marinette nodded as he gently squeezed her hand before getting up again. She couldn’t explain it but she just knew he could help her and that he was good.

"I can also send it back to the caster," He stated, making her blink as he took out some tea light candles.

"But wouldn't that be a curse itself?"

"No, it's simply returning the magic from whence it came," He replied, placing the candles in a circle around the jar before he turned on his heel and disappeared farther into the shop. Marinette frowned as her mind searched for a reason as to why she had been cursed. She replayed every interaction she could remember in her mind but nothing made sense. However, Luka returned from wherever he had gone holding another bowl. It was filled with what appeared to be ash that had been pressed down. He placed it on the table and took a seat across from her, adding a metal disc with a handle to it. Marinette watched as he poured the herb dust into it before picking up a brush and dusting it on the disc, shaping it. Once it was shaped, he carefully removed the disc. “This ritual I’m going to do is known as an uncrossing. It will draw out the dark magic that has been placed on you and then I will trap it in that jar. However, an uncrossing can be extremely uncomfortable so please try to relax your mind and don’t be afraid,”

“O-Ok,” She replied nervously as he took out some matches and lit the candles. “Matches?”

“Fire magic is not my gift,” He replied with a soft smile, taking out another match. “Are you ready?”

“As ready as I can be,” She replied, causing him to nod before he lit the match, bringing it to the incense. It briefly caught on fire before it went out, causing smoke to flow. As soon as Marinette smelt its scent, her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she began to shake as if having a seizure. The witch boy grabbed the jar as she let out a scream. It felt like her bones were being broken one by one and the pain was unbearable. Tears began to run down her cheeks and blood began to drip from her nose as she shook violently.

“Enodnu eb esruc!!” He declared, causing her to let out a scream and throw her head back before a black smoke rushed out. Luka opened the jar, causing it to get sucked into it before he closed the lid and screwed it shut. Marinette flopped forward as she breathed in heavily. Luka put down the jar and moved over to her, gently placed his hands on her. She carefully looked up. “Sorry,”

“N-No, it’s fine,” She replied, touching her nose. She felt tired and drained but at the same time, she felt better than she had been for a while. “But have you got a tissue?”

“Of course,” He replied, pulling one out of his sleeve. She let out a little chuckle as he handed it to her. She gently wiped the blood from her nose and the tears from her eyes before looking over at the jar.

“It really was a curse,” She replied, feeling her strength slowly return. In fact, she felt better than before. “Thank you, Luka,”

“No worries,” He replied, sitting back down. Marinette frowned as she noticed he looked visibly tired.

“Um, are you ok?” She asked, frowning.

“Oh… sorry,” He mumbled. “Spells on that level are very powerful and take a lot of energy. Especially given how power the curse was too,”

“Someone really wanted me dead…” She frowned. “Oh god what if they try to harm you?”

“Even if they did, it wouldn’t work,” He replied, reaching into his pocket and taking out a chocolate bar. He opened it and took a bite out of it, eating it.

“How come?”

“I have protection,” He replied, tapping his silver bracelet. “A protection amulet. Keeps all kinds of evil away,”

“How much would it be to get one of those?” Marinette asked before gasping. “And the ritual. How much do I owe you for removing the curse? I don’t have a lot of money but surely, I can give you something,”

“No need for that, Marinette. I don’t charge for my services,” He replied, making her blink. “I don’t need the money,”

“But surely you should get something,” She replied as he got up and picked up the jar. He walked over to one of the cupboards and placed it inside before closing it before he turned back to her.

“Helping people is enough for me,” He replied, looking a little better. “Now I should definitely make you a protection amulet as the witch who cursed you will strike again,”

“Oh that would be wonderful!” She gasped, smiling before she realised that it won’t be ready straight away. Even with his magic. “But what should I do in the meantime? They’ll curse me as soon as they realise, right?”

“Luckily, I have just the thing,” He replied, getting up and offering his hand to her. She smiled and took it, causing him to pull her to her feet before he led her through the store, revealing it was literally bigger on the inside. She glanced around in amazement as he led her through it. It was filled with all kinds of wonderful things. From balls of lights that danced around to amazing creatures that she was sure belonged in a fairytale. In fact, she saw things that she was certain were from the fairytales.

“Are those Cinderella’s shoes?” She asked, glancing at the glass slippers. Luka smiled but didn’t answer. Instead he stopped and picked up a small box.

“Here,” He stated, holding the box to her. She took it and opened them, revealing a pair of earrings that resembled a ladybug. “These are very special earrings that bring the wearer good luck. They should be able to counter the bad luck curse when the witch recasts it until I can make you the protection charm for you,”

“Really?” She replied, causing him to nod. “Thank you so much,”

“No worries, Marinette,” He smiled. “You should probably put them on now though,”

“Right,” She nodded and placed the box down before taking out her current earrings. She placed them on the table as well then took out the ladybug earrings and put them in. Instantly, she felt warmth surround her. It was like a hug that encouraged her and made feel like she was going to be ok. It reminded her of the feeling she got when she made a new dress. Luka smiled gently at her.

“They suit you,” He smiled, making her blush. “I do believe I would explain what wiccan and magic was,”

“I think I have a rough idea now,” She replied. “But I like to learn more,”

“I’d be more than happy to tell you,” Luka smiled before a light blush came over his cheeks. “Maybe over a coffee?”

“Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Would you be interested?” He asked, making her blush.

“I would love to,”

#luka couffaine #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #lukanette #lukanette endgame #pro lukamari #pro lukanette #no miraculous au #magic au #Witch!Luka #Bad Luck curse #Fairytale elements #fluff #Halloween #Halloween fic #Not scary though #Just really cute #Or at least I hope it is #White Witch!Luka #Good Witch!Luka

45 notes · View notes

dinosaurlasagna · 1 year

Text

me? trying to get my friends to watch the hollow so i can talk to them about it? more likely than you think

#the hollow netflix #the hollow #it is working #or at least i hope it is

22 notes · View notes

fivzen · 1 year

Text

Girl who got sent to the doctor's from work because she is unwell

#it's probably a sinus infection #or at least i hope it is

12 notes · View notes

fonkeloog · 1 year

Text

Wish

Masterpost

cw: implied police brutality, injuries

Lily wishes she could do more. Wishes there was a way to make this easier. When she received the note with Remus' near illegible handwriting, she *knew* it would be bad. She just hopes there's something she can do to help.

More than anything, she wishes Sirius was here to help. Back at school, he had always been the one to patch up his friends after a prank gone wrong or a fight. He spent his last 2 years helping Pomfrey after his classes. But he isn't here. And Lily doubts he'd want to help after their fight earlier.

Shaking herself to try and focus on the situation at hand, Lily moves towards the group of people gathered on the small square.

There are aurors, because *of course* there are but Lily ignores them as she moves towards where Remus and a young woman are sitting. Suddenly someone grabs her arm, effectively stopping her from moving any closer.

She whirls around, ready to tell whoever it is to let go of her when she's faced with Alastor Moody.

"Miss Evans," comes the gruff voice of the head auror. "What are you doing here? Better go home before you get hurt."

"I got called here because people need medical attention. Let go of me." She bites back. To her surprise, he lets go of her arm with a nod.

"Take that corner. And don't do anything stupid."

@wolfstarmicrofic

#wolfstar microfic #wolfstarmicrofic #remus x sirius #Embrace for Impact #my microfic #britt writes stuff #love how i write this for WOLFSTAR but there has been very little wolfstar #its coming i promise #or at least i hope it is #we'll see #cw: implied police brutality

18 notes · View notes

smol-lizord · 1 year

Text

I just had to block a handful of new non-bot followers ugh- if you’re blatantly transphobic, homophobic, racist- or ANYTHING of the sort please just do us both a favor, block me and leave.

Also if you’re under 18 and it’s stated in your profile I will IMMEDIATELY block you. I have 🔞 for a reason. As tumblr seems to be slowly lifting their NSFW ban I will almost certainly be posting my saucy FFXIV gposes (will have the tag Mira GPOSE if you wish not to view it) here and reblogging fanart with similar views.

I’m sorry for the serious type post here, I have seen similar posts but I had no idea how gross things actually were.

#this will probably be the only type of post I make like this #or at least I hope it is #mira rambles #i had someone that had 18+ dni but still followed me??? hello???

2 notes · View notes

dwter · 2 years

Note

did you see his apology? he literally added a peace sign emoji at the end of it

no 😭 jesus fucking christ hes so abhorrent

#ask #the amount of ppl that immediately came to his defense and tried to undermine the nasty shit he said and did was so shocking to me #after being in a mcyt space for so long it felt crazy to read that and have bigotry like that esp in 2022 dismissed so simply #fucking crazy im so glad that i also saw lots of comments saying otherwise #makes me feel better knowing pdp’s insane fucking pr is slowly crumbling #or at least i hope it is #anyways PDP_OUT PDP_KYS

2 notes · View notes

fox-mulder-gets-pegged · 1 year

Text

I just wanna say bc I KNOW you're somewhere on tumblr, to the teenage girl who attended Take Your Kid To Work Day at an office building in Ontario, Canada circa 2013 and had a conversation with a middle aged woman in which you showed her your Black Veil Brides fanart and fanfics and ship content and told her about different fanfic tropes including a/b/o verse bc she happened to know who Panic! at The Disco and Fallout Boy were and thus you felt the need to show her your bandblr ship art, that was my fucking mother and I had to clarify all that to her including looking my mother in the eye and trying to explain a/b/o verse without sounding like a lunatic.

It's been 10 years and I still regularly sent evil energies in your direction. Since you'd be probably two years younger than me and thus legally an adult now, please know if this post reaches you it's on sight.

#she cornered me in the car and asked what shipping was and i almost had a fucking heart attack #imagine being like 16 years old and habing to explain knotting to your mother #random emo music girl I'm glad you had fun talking about your Band Guys to my mother #bc i also attended take your kid to work day at that office and i know how boring it was #but christ alive why did you have to fuck me like that?#anyways i hope this post reaches you so at the very least you know i think about you at least once a week #this has been weighing on me for ten years #im almost tempted to blaze this post

60K notes · View notes

ethereal-bumble-bee · 2 months

Text

Little reblog game thingy because I love making these (and want to show some love to my mutuals)! <3

#ask game #reblog game #reblog this #mutuals #tumblr mutuals #this has most definitely been done before but I came up with some questions lol #I hope this is at least a bit original lol #poll #tumblr poll #tumblr friends #tumblr polls #follow

11K notes · View notes

everchased · 1 year

Text

can someone please get these hoes under control i'm BUSY

#gun cw #it's EVERY 5 HOURS AT LEAST #AND THEY STAY UP???? LIKE NONE OF THE ONES I'VE REPORTED HAVE BEEN DEACTIVATED #GO AWAY #anyways...#my art #edit: everyone who says i look like [insert anime guy here] has holes in their brain hope this helps some of u figure out what's wrong

95K notes · View notes

chloesimaginationthings · 4 months

Text

I can’t believe FNAF movie Mike never got paid

#myart #chloesimagination #comic #mike schmidt #abby schmidt #william afton #steve raglan #springtrap #spring bonnie #fnaf #fnaf movie #fnaf fanart #five nights at freddy's #spongebob squarepants #like that dudes boss and career manager both died in one go #at least game Michael got his small check #Mike schmit literally got nothing #I hope he gets a stable job 💀💀#yes this is the SpongeBob bit

14K notes · View notes

kittyprincessofcats · 3 months

Text

ICJ Ruling

Okay, let's get into this.

First of all, I get the frustration at the court not ordering a ceasefire. I was disappointed and frustrated at first too, since a ceasefire was the biggest and most important preliminary measure South Africa was requesting - and of course we just all want this horror to finally end for the people in Gaza. So I get the frustration and disappointment, I really do.

However, I do think this ruling is still a major win for South Africa, Palestine, and international law as a whole and here's why:

The court acknowledged that it has jurisdiction over this case and completely dismissed Israel's request to throw out the case as a whole. It will now determine at the merits stage (that will probably take years) whether Israel is actually commiting genocide.

The court acknowledged that Palestinians are a "distinct national or ethnic group and therefore deserving of protection under the genocide convention". Pull this out next time someone tells you "there's no such thing as Palestinians, they're all just Arabs".

The court acknowledged very unambiguously that "at least some" of Israel's actions being genocidal in nature is "plausible". South Africa has a case, officially. Israel is accused of genocide, in a way the ICJ deems "plausible", officially. This is huge. (And seriously, how freaking satisfying was it to hear all of those genocidal statements by Israeli politicians read out loud and used as justification for this rulling?)

The court might not have ordered a "ceasefire" in those words, but they did order Israel to "immediately end all genocidal acts" (which includes killing and injuring Palestinians) and submit proof that they actually did. How are they going to comply with this ruling without at least severly reducing or changing what they're doing in Gaza?

In fact, this wording might actually be more appropriate for a genocide (vs a war), as author and journalist Ali Abunimah notes on Twitter:

He's completely right. Israel lost today, by overwhelming majority (I mean, 15 to 2? I heard people predict the rulings would be very close, like 9 judges vs 8, but instead we got 15 to 2 (and even 16 to 1 on the humanitarian aid). Holy shit.) The court disimissed almost everything Israel's side of lawyers said, while acknowledging that South Africa's accusations are "plausible".

And this is important especially because of Mr Abunimah's second tweet there^. Because the question is, where do we go from here?

This ruling means that Israel is officially /possibly/ commiting genocide and that should have huge international consequences. The rest of the world now HAS to take these accusations seriously and stop arming and supporting Israel - and if they won't do it on their own, we, the people, have to make them. This is THE moment to rise up all around the world, especially in the countries most supportive of Israel (the US, the UK, Germany): Protest, call your representatives and demand a ceasefire and an end of arms deliveries to Israel.

We now have a legal case to back our demands: If Israel is, according to the ICJ, "plausibly" commiting genocide, then all of our governments are, according to the ICJ, "plausibly" guiltly of aiding in genocide. And we need to hold that over their heads and demand better. We need to do that right now and in huge numbers. Most politicians only care about themselves and saving their skin. We have to make them realize that they could be accused of aiding in genocide.

(As a German, I'm thinking of Germany here in particular: After South Africa's hearing, our government dismissed their case as having "no basis" - how are they going to keep saying that now that the ICJ officially thinks otherwise? Over the last months, people here have been arrested at protests for calling what's happening in Gaza a genocide. How are the police supposed to legally keep doing that now that the ICJ has officially deemed this accusation "plausible"? I used to be scared to use the word "genocide" at protests or write it on my protest signs - not anymore, have fun trying to arrest me for that when the ICJ literally has my back on this one 🖕🏻.)

So yeah - don't be defeatist about this, don't let Israel's narrative that they "won" (they didn't) take over. This might not be everything we wanted, but it's still a good result. Don't let what the court didn't say ("ceasefire"), distract you from the very important things that they did say. Let this be your motivation to get loud and active, especially if you live in any country that supports Israel. Put pressure on your governments to not be complicit in genocide, you now officially have the highest international court on your side.

#ICJ #ICJ ruling #ICJ hearing #South Africa vs Israel #Free Palestine #Palestine #Palestinian genocide #Gaza #Germany #I get why Palestinians are disappointed and I don't want to devalue those feelings #(but maybe this can give you hope)#But thinking about this as a German this is huge #Most politicians and people here still deny (or at least strongly doubt) that there's a genocide happening #Calling it a genocide is seen as an 'extremist' position #And some of our politicians have been borderline gaslighting us and calling anyone who calls it genocide 'crazy'#So I'm just feeling immense vindication and a newfound fearlessness and motivation to be louder and more active than ever #and I hope others here feel the same #I hope the quiet masses stop being scared to say something now

6K notes · View notes

gallusrostromegalus · 7 months

Text

The Van Has Officially Declared It Spooky Season

---

I've got my parent's van for the week and it seems determined to establish my status as The Local Cryptid by terrorizing an innocent 7-11 clerk.

...I might need to back up a bit.

My mother is an eminently sensible woman who knows herself well, and when The Plauge hit, she knew she'd need some sort of mentally and physically engaging craft project to keep herself from going insane and massacring the local zoning and water management boards (even if they have it coming). So she and Dad acquired a utility van and converted it into a camper van because while they love camping, they're past the age where their joints and immune systems will tolerate sleeping on the cold ground in a nylon tent.

They did a terrific job of it and my mom taught herself woodworking and carpentry and now the van has it's own cabinets, fold-away dining table, and removable queen-sized bed with memory foam mattress. My Dad was already a computer engineer, but he learned the dark magics of automotive software and electronics to install after-market backup cameras, a media player that would take a terabyte hard drive and a solar-powered battery and outlet so they could wake up and just turn on the kettle and griddle for breakfast without having to exit the van into a cold morning on an empty stomach.

Truly, the height of Camping Luxury.

My parents are both in their mid-seventies and my primary life goal is to be at least half as cool and hale as they are when I get old.

Anyway, they take it out at least a dozen times a year and it works fabulously, but, being as I am on good terms with my parents and also finishing the process of moving house, I've been borrowing it to move large and cumbersome objects that will not fit in the back of my equally lovely but minuscule Honda hatchback.

It's a Great Van. Very easy and comfortable to drive. Stunningly good MPG for it's size. The best cruise control I've ever had in a car.

It's just also. Quirky. Mischievous, even.

---

If this van has a fault its that it bears the unfortunate affliction that all lightly used white utility vans have in that the combination of an utter lack of branding features and the large dent/scrape I accidentally put on it while trying to escape a Denny's last Thanksgiving means that this vehicle is one addition of a Badly Spray-Painted "FREE CANDY" on the side away from being the sort of vehicle you see in an edgy horror movie.

It's got the same issue that Doberman Dogs have where they look like the sort of creature that likes to snack on toddler's faces whilst actually having personalities made of marshmallow fluff. This vehicle is unnecessarily menacing and I think nothing short of an airbrushed Epic Van Wizard will correct this. People see this van pull up and lean over and squint suspiciously at me when the driver's side door opens, and then look moderately confused when, instead of Charles Manson, a small, potato-shaped creature with neon purple hair and a statistically unlikely assortment of dogs emerges.

My own two dogs, Herschel the Hanukkah Goblin/Corgi and Charleston Chew The Taco Dumpster Dog, Do Not Like The Van. Even with the bed in it, they have a tendency to slide and roll around in the back, and both WILL chew through dog saftey belts or other attempts to secure them in there.

On the other hand, my house mate's dog, an exceptionally tall standard poodle whom we lovingly call "The Creature", loves the Van because SHE wears her doggy seat-belt with only mild complaining and gets to sit up in the passenger seat like A People.

Also like A People, The Creature likes to stand and walk around on her hind legs. It doesn't hurt her and it's entirely voluntary, but every so often I will feel a hand on my arm and instead of my husband or friend, it's a canine that's taller than I am on her hind legs who wants to stare at my face with soulful, concerned eyes. The Creature's favorite thing is that she is exactly the right height for me to hold her arm in Genteel Fashion and walk around the pet food or hardware store with her like I'm a count escorting a debutante around a royal ball.

---

As it stands, I am set to inherit this vehicle whenever my Honda gives up the ghost, and I fully intend to paint an Epic Van Wizard on it when that time comes.

The other peculiarity of The Van is that while Dad did manage to successfully install all his after-market electronics, not all the electronics get along. Sometimes, they fight for Dominance. The Terabyte Music Player and the Backup Camera have a particularly contentious relationship, and turning on the music has about a 25% chance of turning on the backup camera as well, and turning on the Backup Camera is equally likely to turn on the music.

Firthermore, The Van has a favorite song.

I am not kidding that Dad filled an entire terabyte hard drive with music and the software to sort it via the radio controls, but of all the Early Boomer Dad Rock (Kingston Trio over The Eagles) and Irish Folk and Symphonies and the entire discography of Weird Al Yankovic, The Van's favorite song- The one it picks to play as victory music every time it beats the Backup Camera at their weird electronic game of rock-paper-scissors -is The Liberty Bell March by John Phillip Sousa.

You all know this song already.

...but in case you've forgotten the tune:

youtube

Yeah.

The Van's favorite song is the goddamn Monty Python's Flying Circus Theme Music.

It does not play this song at a normal volume.

Every time I turn on the Backup Camera and it manages to turn the music player on as well, The Van insists on absolutely blasting this nonsense on at the maximum volume it's physically capable of producing, which I know is loud enough to be heard from the Denver International Airport's Pickup zone when they Van decided to start playing it from the economy lot about half a mile away.

Perhaps it's The Van's way of honoring the aesthetic sensibilities and sonic enthusiasm of Mr. Sousa.

...I can't help but wonder if the purpose of an Epic Van Wizard is to control this sort of faerie-like malarkey, and channel these chaotic energies into things like Spell of Don't Break Down In Nevada or Enchantment Of Always Have Good Parking.

---

So last Friday the 13th, I get a call from my friend and housemate, at said airport.

It's roughly 11PM at night, and I have already retired for the evening. I am in the exact minimum of clothing required to be a decent housemate and not scandalize the neighbors should I happen to walk by a window. My feet are up. There is a cat in my lap and fictional British people murdering each other in highly inventive fashion on the tv. -But my friend has returned from her friend's wedding,and either American or United Airlines has managed to lose her luggage, including, among other valuable possessions, the keys to her car. ...So she cannot just drive home as originally planned.

There are, as luck would have it, her spare set of keys not eight feet from me.

Being a good and decent person, I agree to bring the spare keys to her so she may get home before daybreak and not spend a semester's worth of tuition on an uber across the greater Denver traffic jam.

Being also that she Loves Activities, and it's her mom we're going to pick up, I elect to take along The Creature.

I am primarily focused on remembering how to get to the airport and not leaving my friend's spare keys on the counter, so I throw on a pair of flip-flops, step outside, remember that it's AUTUMN and my minimal evening attire is not sufficient thermal protection, step back in, grab the first coat in the closet I lay hands on, pull it on, check that I have her keys again and leave.

The trip to the airport is largely unremarkable, save that it becomes necessary for me to put on sunglasses to drive, despite it being nearly the witching hour and almost entirely darker than the inside of a cow.

It's necessary because this blissful darkness of night is violently punctured by a startling number of cars that seem to have installed miniaturized but no less powerful lighthouse bulbs in where their headlights ought to go so the oncoming traffic and sports cars that insist on tailgating me in the slow lane alike illuminate the road and my mirrors with the kind of radiance I'd normally associate with the arrival of a Seraphim.

I arrive at the distant highly discounted airport car lot where my housemate is waiting, deeply apologetic. It's nothing. I say. Once I see that your car starts up, I'm gonna go to that 7-11 across the way that I parked in front of, get a slurpee or something and I'll see you at home.

While she is retrieving her vehicle (an equally eccentric but much more stately Subaru that is old enough to be elected to congress) I rifle through the loose change in the glove box and discover that I have exactly $6.66 in small bills and coins. The Subaru, continuing it's long voyage into vehicular immortality, immediately starts up.

Upon her return, we all remember that my friend had all her camping gear in the backseat of the car and there is no room for The Creature to ride home with her parent, so I again assure her it's nothing, and will just take The Creature into the 7-11 with me. She is trained as a service animal and needs the practice after the plague.

I wave my friend off and turn to enter the 7-11.

I promptly trip over the jutting back bumper of The Van and fall, cartoonishly, face-first onto the sidewalk.

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice falling on my face, and have learned not to throw my hands out but instead cover my face, so my unexpected self-inflicted attempted curb-stomping lightly scrapes my hairline and nothing else -my sunglasses even stay in place- and I get up and resume my quest for a slurpee.

It's well known that the airport is a lawless place, and the 7-11 across from the discounted airport parking at the stroke of midnight is no exception.

I know it's the stroke of Midnight because there's one of those Audubon society bird-call clocks that makes bird noises, and my arrival is heralded by the twittering call of a Summer Tanager. I am almost charmed enough by the unusual choice of chronological device to excuse the exorbitant Airport-adjacent mark-up of Slurpee prices. I stand at the machine for some time, trying to decide on a size for the price and guess what the fuck "Blue Lighting Blast" is supposed to taste like.

The Creature is being Very Polite but is somewhat agitated, I assume because she *just* saw her mother for the first time in three days and then she LEFT with no explanation, so The Creature is on her hind legs, staring woefully into my eyes, asking to be escorted around the 7-11. Even though that's not what she's not supposed to be doing, there's nobody else in here, so I let her hang off my arm and discuss various Slurpee Flavor options with her.

We eventually decide on an experiment in which I try a Small Blue Lightning Blast, and discover it tastes a bit like licking a nintendo cartridge but in a pleasantly satisfying way.

I go up to pay and realize something is amiss.

The Cashier is a young man staring at me with wide eyes, one had over the register and the other wrapped up in his rosary.

I look down at myself.

In my haste to reunite my friend with her spare keys and service animal, I had left the house in the following accoutrements:

Flip Flops. Not matching. It's below freezing outside. That last part is not particularly odd footwear for the weather in for Colorado, but it's an important detail for the rest of the ensemble.

Assorted scrapes, bruises, cuts and welts on my arms and legs that come with doing outdoor work and living in a house with three dogs and a fully-clawed cat that all want to be in my lap all the time. It's cold out, so vasoconstriction has pulled the blood away from my skin, a trait that served my ancestors well during the last Ice Age, but leaves me with pale skin to contrast the various wounds and I look like a corpse that fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

The black Bootyshorts with "CRYPTID" painted in bright red gothic font across my ass, that @theshitpostcalligrapher gave me for my wedding present.

A peculiar but extremely comfortable garment that straddles the line between "Lacy Camisole" and "Industrial-Strength Sports Bra" like the Ever Given straddling the Suez Canal. It is also Bright Red. with black accents.

The Jacket I had grabbed out of the closet, which is in fact, a black Velour Dinner Jacket.

The Tokyo-Ghoul inspired reusable anti-covid mask a friend made me with the set of Coyote Teeth.

My sunglasses, which are shaped like a Halloween Bat. The lenses are the wings and the body is the nose bridge. It is ALSO bright red.

A Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle that I have been audibly affectionately calling "Dear Creature" who is hanging off my arm like she's my Prom Date.

The Very Large and remarkably Humanoid Poodle is ALSO dressed up in a black Dog Sweater that has white bones printed on it to look like its an X-ray jacket showing off her skeleton.

I look like I am taking my Very Fancy Werewolf Girlfriend to a particularly casual Dinner Party for Vampires, but the thing that's really selling it and probably alarming the kid the most is the fun accessory I acquired in the parking lot not five minutes earlier:

The "Small Scrape At my Hairline" is actually a painless but PROFUSELY bleeding head wound that I had somehow entirely failed to notice covering my face, neck, decolletage and magnificent cleavage with blood like a Tarantino Film Extra.

This does explain why The Creature has been delicately trying to use her bodyweight to push me down onto the floor for the last ten minutes. So I don't injure myself while we wait for the paramedics she hoped this kid called to arrive, you see.

The Creature has such a High and Naive Opinion of humanity.

I decide this social situation is already fucked, and the only way out is through, and with haste, before I start dripping on the floor.

"Hi there!" I say cheerfully, to indicate this is a visually alarming but not terribly serious situation. "Just a Small Slurpee!"

The Cashier has entered the relevant code into the register before I finish the sentence. His gaze flicks off me just long enough to look at the total, and he grips his Rosary harder.

$6.66

"Oh cool! I have exact change!" I say, taking the money out of my as-yet-unsanguined pocket without looking and slap it down on the counter. "You have a good night and be safe out there!" I wave, leaving.

I get in The Van, mortified, buckle The Creature up, and as I make to leave, I have to put it in reverse, which automatically turns on the backup Camera.

It also turns on the music player.

I make eye contact with the cashier as the dulcet tones of John Phillip Sousa boom from the van hard enough to make the windshield and the windows of the 7-11 rattle for the nine-and-a-half seconds I have to wait to be able to turn the volume back down. Not knowing what else to to, I give him a thumbs up, and leave.

Anyway, now I know what my Future Van Wizard has got to be dressed like, and what their familiar is.

---

If you enjoyed this story, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Funny Stories book on Patreon

#Family Lore #Dogs #It's Halloween babey #friday the 13th #blood mention #I hope that kid had a good night and at least one of his friends believed him #Long post #Video

11K notes · View notes