#I'm still extremely fatigued from covid

[corbinite]

Anyone else struck with an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction?

#mine #personal #I'm still extremely fatigued from covid #and so i end up getting no exercise which means ibend up restless when it's time to go to bed #so I've been sleeping awful #and also I'm wondering if i need to look for a new job #it's just a mess and i keep getting promised more than is delivered #but as soon as my manager finds his new job i get a promotion #so i think I'm gonna ride it out and get a uear of experience as manager before putting that on my resume for somewhere else #it'll suck but at least be bearable #our asses aren't ridden at this job like a lot of other places will #in between customers if we don't have a list i can just fuck off to the back and play on my steamdeck lol #so i am lucky in a lot of ways #just not really compensated and we're horribly understaffed so there's no room for vacations or sick days without the store falling apart #and there's just so much pettiness from the owner and between stores #we realized recently that other stores might be faking item transfers on stuff they're under on in order to move the error to us #lile were finding items pop into our system that have been discontinued for years and just recently disappeared from another store's system #amd they definitely didn't actually have the item beforehand so that would have heen an error for them #so the error disappeared for them at the same time it appeared for us #v sus

[jerirose]

I'm really bad at writing these and I'm not sure where to start... but I think I need help. As a large amount of you know in FEB 2023 I got COVID whilst on holiday. I am autoimmune and my body did not take kindly to it. I got it on the 3rd day of my holiday and spent the next two weeks in bed, flew back home (properly masked) with COVID and spent another week in bed with positive results. COVID took my voice for several months, from shredding my throat (I wasn't able to talk for 3 months afterwards and slowly had to gain back my ability to speak) and I gained a heart condition from it, along with breathing problems. I am still suffering, a year later from all of these, the last year has been an extremely difficult battle for me, along with my other illnesses, relearning my limits with my long COVID issues. I has taken away my ability to do the things I love, I used to spend everyday day painting almost all day, I can no longer do this because of chronic fatigue and I used to stream 6 days a week on a good week (I'd of called this my job, since I'm too ill to work), for 6 hours, now I am very limited in how much energy I can put into either. I finally have an appointment at a Post COVID Clinic... but I almost fell over when they told me the cost.. it's expensive and I have to pay up front (we are not sure if my insurance will cover it to get the money back - this we find out when I'm there), this is just the consult and I'm sure there will be follow ups that I have to pay for... If you can help even a little, even by boosting this post I would greatly appreciate it, it'd honestly mean the world to me. (Long) COVID has taken so much away from me, and I'd really like to be able to have a chance to get some normality back in my life. I've set up a Goal on Ko-Fi, if you can or would like to help.

#👽 stop speaking nonsense #chronic illness #long covid #disabled #sorry if this is written poorly - I'm dyslexic af 😅

[nedermemes]

this type of stuff is why i don't understand why people want to lie SO badly to others that healthcare is amazing and free and accessible in the Netherlands.

the only thing you can get easily is Covid (and other illnesses) because nothing is done to prevent the spreading. do you know how bad it is when i still feel jealous irt certain topics to US healthcare? that's insane.

there is no Paxlovid available in the Netherlands. there have never been proper mask mandates, besides in public transport in the past. likely very few people will be allowed to get vaccination boosters. there are no testing sites. we were encouraged to mass (re-)infect each other for ""herd immunity"". there is nothing widely being done with CO2 filtration.

we might have one (1) Long Covid clinic next year. in Germany they have over 70 and those already have huge waiting lists. no money goes to biomedic research, only to CBT research and psychosomatic research questionnaires, which is proven to only further harm people with chronic fatigue and pain.

medical staff has only asked me in the past to take my masks OFF and they and disabled loved ones get extremely agitated when i wear one or try to mention that being infected is not a good thing. i tell them that stats from CBS show that at least 900k people in the Netherlands have Long Covid and they just don't care at all. people talk about their elderly parents having died like a good thing, because now they don't have to be a caretaker at home anymore (which you have to be as less and less care is provided by the government and hospitals). everyone talks for YEARS about the pandemic in past tense and meanwhile admits that entire departments at work and half the teachers at schools are always gone due to being sick and exhausted etc etc.

but it's my word against the disinformation of the Dutch government, eugenics-loving healthcare 'experts', and news sources that uncritically spread these lies. i'm fucking tired and i'm scared and being gaslit. we're all supposed to believe it's insane to be scared or care about the health of yourself or others. and there's almost nowhere to turn to if you get Long Covid.

#no im not saying this is JUST in the netherlands #but a lot of what i describe has been going on for years way before the US #and theres no migitation for preventing and no medication and no clinics if you do get it #niet een nedermeme #sorry voor de rant #ik wilde t schrijven in t engels want anders krijg ik weer Lol idk what this says but the text looks funny :p reacties

[v-as-in-victor]

After a billion years of people telling me to try yoga about my chronic fatigue and pain, I am doing some yoga but not because they told me to.

First off, I seem to have fibromyalgia. I do not have ME/CFS. ME/CFS AND long covid both have an element of post-exertional malaise. Telling people with ME/CFS to exercise is like telling people with liver failure to drink more.

Also I am going to be 48 this year and aging does things to joints.

But I did want to talk about what yoga is like for me, what it does do, and what it doesn't.

Doing yoga costs energy. R found a peloton class that is a slow flow, giving time to move from position to position. I still have to adapt a lot, because some of the positions are just too painful. So I'm not even doing the full slow-flow as the teacher planned it!

So you might think that's not worth it - and I might think that too - except where it does help.

And where it does help is recovery from other exertion. And sex.

I don't have sex frequently, it's not my jam. But before doing yoga sometimes, I had to stop in the middle of some fun piv because my left hip was just in too much pain from holding a position. Having piv sex AFTER doing yoga with hip openers the day before was so nice - was it perfectly painless (not the fun pain!)? No. Was I able to feel the pleasure sensations without being overwhelmingly distracted by pain? Yes!

I do drop things and need to pick them up frequently. And sometimes I would like to be able to get down onto the floor and get back up. And there's the good old sit-to-stand from a low, comfy sofa.

Doing some yoga involving back and hamstring stretches has really helped with all of that. It takes less effort to bend over and reach things, and I am stronger in being able to get off the floor - although sometimes I still need help.

Because I've been doing some yoga I was able to participate in a voice movement therapy workshop yesterday. It was six hours, and I made accommodations for myself - including sitting on a chair, not the floor, and sitting out parts of it when I was too low on energy. But I WAS able to participate in a lot of it, including some really good rolling around on the floor pretending to be a single celled organism.

So here's my bottom line: This isn't *fixing* my chronic pain or fatigue. I have to make and use accommodations for myself to be able to do the yoga I am doing. But my recovery from physical activity is better, and I can do some things I want to keep doing that I wasn't able to without it.

I also have to be extremely gentle with myself about the whole situation, because it's still emotionally hard not being able to do all the positions - I have to remind myself that I'm not doing it to succeed at doing it. I'm doing it for the ways it might make my life easier.

Anyway. Things to think about if you've wondered about adding a little stretching practice into your chronic illness world.

#yoga #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic fatigue

[slasher-male-wife]

heyyy its me, again

i was wondering if you could write something with billy lenz (or any characters really) comforting a male or gender neutral reader who has covid or general fatigue? im having extreme billy lenz brainrot rn and covid is kicking my ass too but on the bright side it gives me time to myself and lots of time to draw :> also my new mechanism is now whenever you write i return the favour in art

Well you don't have to draw anything for me in return I do this for fun :) Also I'm sorry to hear you're sick right now being sick is never fun. I'm also still recovering from my oral surgery which is super dumb because I should be over it by now. Anyway I have some comfort head cannons for you my vampire in Satan.

Slashers taking care of their sick s/o

Includes: Billy Lenz, Herbert West and Carrie White

Warnings: Mentions of vomit

Billy Lenz

When he stops getting your visits he's gonna get worried and call to see what's happening. When he finds out your sick he's relocating to stay in your room.

He want's to help the best he can but that's not gonna be much when other people are at the house. He'll do small things like change out your ice packs/ help wipe away sweat if you have a fever, keep you warm if you're cold, clean out whatever bowl/ bucket you use if you have to throw up, etc.

"Billy's gonna take care of pretty piggy. Pretty Piggy's gonna be ok." He'll say things like that often while holding your hand.

Will sneak in a lot of food and water so you don't have to get up so often.

If you need to change he'll help you do it and push aside his perv nature for a moment.

Will keep his talking to himself pretty quiet for you and will make sure you get enough rest.

Won't be much help if you need to bathe for whatever reason. He's sorry Y/n he just can't be seen by anyone else in the house.

Herbert West

He's obviously a doctor so probably the best one to treat you out of all the slashers. He'll first scold you for being careless enough for getting sick while taking your temprature and figuring out what exactly you have.

Acts like he doesn't really care but if you ask him to bring you anything he will do it for you and if he finds you getting out of bed for anything other than the bathroom or to get something in your room he's going to scold you again.

Will give you proper medication if needed and will make sure to keep you relaxed. Will bring you ice packs or extra blankets if needed.

He's obviously not gonna get grossed out if you vomit and will probably push for you to wash out your mouth after.

I feel like he's asexual so helping you change isn't that big of a deal to him. Of course he finds you hot it's just in a different way.

Will clean you up if you're getting really sweaty or will run you a bath and help you into and out of the tub with his eyes closed.

Carrie White

Carrie's always had to take care of herself if she ever got sick because her mother said she was "fighting demons" or whatever that woman thinks.

She'll check up on you often and will keep you warm/cool and comfortable. If your head hurts she'll keep the lights low and natural and will be very quiet for you.

I feel like she's pretty good at cooking so she will make you home made soup and tea. She knows a lot of natural remidies for things because I just know that her mother is against any kind of medication at all. But if you ask she can get you actual medication at the store.

She's get very flustered and awkward if you ask for help changing or bathing. The most she'll do is hand you your new clothes with her eyes closed and take your old ones away and take you into and out of the bathroom.

#billy lenz #billy lenz x you #billy lenz x reader #billy lenz x y/n #billy lenz fan fiction #herbert west #herbert west x reader #carrie white #carrie white x reader #carrie white x y/n #slasher x y/n #slasher x reader

[mugenloopdalove]

I'm going to say it. Workplace attendence policies are ableist as fuck, especially the stricter ones that work on stupid point systems. Even worse now that society is convinced we aren't still in a pandemic

When I got COVID, not only was me calling off counted as unexcused absences (and would have been even if I put the time/money into getting a "formal" COVID test), but each individual day was counted as a separate absence.

When I was late once or twice due to having a sleep disorder? Counted against me.

When I needed to call off due to an extreme fatigue flareup? Counted against me.

When I had a stress induced meltdown and got sent home early? Yep. That was counted against me too.

I got fired from my last job for being disabled. Plain and simple.

#gerard's diary #its just. so stupid man

[warriorsparked]

Get To Know The Mun

------The Basics!

Name: Owl (or Sam).

Pronouns: He/Him

Zodiac Sign: Libra (Scorpio cusp)

Single/Taken: Married

------Three Facts!

1- I grew up on horror movies and metal musik. Although my library is also full of different genres, metal music and synthwave (tho I'm fussy) are my favourites. 80's music is still some of the best music to this date imo. Watching slashers and thrillers are sort of comfort films to me, in a sense, which might seem odd to some people. But growing up in the 90's as a kid that liked these things, I was very outcasted. Writing Megatron and getting inside his head was a big outlet for me, and he's definitely a comfort character because of all the stuff he's endured. The post-war series I began writing started over 10 years ago. Back then, it was a personal journey for me just as much as it was for him. And now, over 10 years later, I'm rewriting the whole series (or... most of it lol), and looking back has been another wonderful journey, and also the reason I got back into the TF community!

2- I work in healthcare. I've worked in hospitals, clinics and Drs offices. I take legitimately any sample that can be produced by the human body from any part of the human body--yep... I mean any part (swabs, bloods, urines, faeces, histo, semen--ANYTHING), I also do heart checks and BP's, and covid, which let me tell you... working in healthcare during a pandemic is likely one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm still burnt out and many of us are, so please give your healthcare workers some slack. <3 I've almost finished my studies for training and assessing, so I'm hoping to become a mentor or a teacher/trainer in my field :)

3- I was diagnosed late in life with Autism (severe Aspergers). Although I'd already diagnosed myself (lol, I'm obsessed with psychology and had also diagnosed my sister with BPD when I was like 16 which turned out to be legit), having that professional diagnosis meant a lot for me when it came to understanding myself and my behaviours, especially in my adolescence. It can mean at times that I am very overwhelmed and SLOW here (I'm also still studying, working, learning German and piano, plus I have other hobbies and blogs). Please don't take it personally if I don't always reply in IMs, especially due to time zones, but sometimes I'm just legitimately exhausted mentally and physically. My work is extremely demanding and busy and renders me fatigued. I also have other health stuff going on which renders me tired on a daily basis (:

------Experience!

Platforms Used: DeviantART, hotmail, MSN, RP forums, Skype, Tumblr. I've been around a long time lol.

Plotting / Winging It / Memes: All of the above tbh. I think that memes are a really good way to break the ice, but I definitely love plots as well, and getting to have long term RP partners <3 Srsly, if we're long term, I will likely gush with you about potential ships and stuff lol.

------Muse Preference!

Gender: I've Rped all, but I definitely feel more comfortable with male muses. I relate better with them.

Multi or Single: I've got both, and it entirely depends on how active the muse is. I definitely think single muses are easier to handle, but I've also got muses that had been neglected because signing in onto different profiles was a pain in the arse lol, and their activity was so low I felt like there was barely a point in having their whole blog to themselves, so I moved them all to a multi, and it's been a lot easier for me to manage. But then there's some muses that are just so loud that they gotta be on single ones lol.

Least Favourite Faceclaim(s): Most Game of Thrones actors are very over used, especially in some of the fandoms I'm in.

------Fluff / Angst / Smut!

Fluff: I adore fluff. But with Megatron, it's got to be a long standing relationship. He's not known for breaking down his walls and being comfortable exposing himself. It's going to take a lot of time and patience.

Angst: Look, I am a SUCKER for angst okay. Megatron is OOZING it anyway lol. But yes, angst!

Smut: I've been writing smut for over a decade, I'm very comfortable with it, and I love writing it. But I'm also PICKY with it, because the muses need to have chemistry, and if there's none, then it's not going to happen. Megatron is likely to sleep with MANY people, but there's also gotta be chemistry between the mods as well, because this is something that I do take pretty seriously when involving someone else. Just because I'm hella ace doesn't mean the muse is lol, and if there's chemistry, then heck yeah. I'm pretty open minded.

Tagged: @blackwldcw ( thank you dear! ) Tagging: If you're not done it yet, then YOU!

#the mod #dash games

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023 - Day 23

If you wanna participate, check out @birdofmay's blog or click through this link! Almost at the end, but you can still catch up!

23 April: Do you have balance issues? If not, was it different when you were younger?

I had WAY WORSE balance during these past two years when my stress levels were extremely, dangerously, exhaustingly high. Sometimes I'd even lose the ability to walk out of the blue and I had to slug against a wall just to stay upright.

I do remember, as a teen, that a classmate noted something about how I walked strangely, and from that day on I was overly self-conscious of how I walked and thus never developed a 'normal' walk from being conscious of my movements all the time and of wanting to not be strange/noticeable. Yep, that classmate screwed me over. Maybe on purpose, who knows! I didn't exactly have friends in school << (save for one who wasn't in my class and we're still friends to this day :D my one and only NT friend, even)

Nowadays, I do notice issues at times, which also seem to stem from fatigue/overload. I'll get dizzy suddenly, or have a snap moment when I don't remember how physical movement works. I don't recall being like this when I was younger, so I'll wager that my (autistic) burnout from 2019 + covid stressdowns in 2020 permanently damaged parts of my poor miswired brain. At the same time, I should still be able to ride a bike. And I LOVE standing on tiptoes and balancing. So: my balance is fine as long as I'm not in stress overload.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic #likely audhd

[power-chords]

I've found a few Redditors now who had the same experience with their second COVID infection that I did: no upper respiratory symptoms except minor nasal congestion/sinus headache, loss of sense of smell and/or taste, and muscle pains/fatigue. I also spoke to a colleague of mine at work whose best friend went from testing positive on a PCR the first day she noticed possible symptoms and negative two days later. (She got a test, was told results would be delayed, and so paid out of pocket for a same-day PCR. Test one came back positive and test two came back negative.) So that removes all doubt from my mind despite my negative test result this past Monday.

I'm furious that my dad's law firm is making him come in the office three days a week, but despite being diabetic and hypertensive AND having heart disease, he's totally blasé. Every high risk boomer in my life is extremely Whatever about it. I did finally convince both him and my mother to get their boosters now, and I'm certain they'll still be eligible for an updated vaccine in the fall. It's not total peace of mind, but it's better than nothing.

Thankfully, my dad is just as happy lugging the telescope out to the middle of the woods at night to go stargazing as he is seeing live music or dining at restaurants or being in other enclosed spaces with people breathing on him. So I told him to just... please stick with that until the infection rates cool down a little. And he promised me he would be careful, and wear a mask whenever he's indoors.

#covid 2: electric boogaloo

[rnainframe]

oh yeah i almost forgot

on Thursday it was confirmed, my mom and i have covid

it hasn't been life threatening 🤞✊✊✊(me knocking on wood) but it's fucking SUCKED

here's some stuff to watch out for if you're ever worried your sickness isn't just the sniffles:

sore throat. like, swallowing feels like gulping gravel sore. extremely dry and itchy and dull of phlegm. you're gonna lose your voice at least a little bit. coughing will hurt like hell but you need to get the mucus out

congestion, pressure, itching, pain, etc in your nose. if it isn't running at any given time you're probably getting drainage. savor any moments where you can miraculously breathe through both, let alone one nostril whenever you're laying down

weakness and pain and aches in your muscles and joints. it hasn't been as bad since the first few days, but any kind of pressure or usage on your muscles and joints are gonna make it throb. just sitting back in a chair made it feel like my hips aged several decades and just holding my head up made my neck hurt

chills. really, really bad chills. i felt like my house was below freezing and couldn't stop shaking until i slept directly on top of my heating pad with it cranked all the way up. you don't even have to necessarily be feverish for this to get this bad. get warm and stay warm, because if this happens with the aches it's going to hurt really bad

you might still be able to taste stuff at the cost of it tasting fucking disgusting, especially if you hate or are sensitive to bitterness. unfortunately, you need to stay hydrated Or Else so you're gonna have to either suck it up and drink the nasty water or find a beverage that's flavored strongly enough to be edible without upsetting your stomach. 7-up is my go to sick drink and I've been keeping a two liter on top of the vent by my bed to keep it cold

the need to go into hibernation, i am so much more tired than usual and this is coming from someone with fatigue that makes him wanna sleep all the time as is, and it Sucks because the other symptoms on the list makes sleep impossible unless stifled by heavy medication

obviously this isn't an end all be all thing but. I'm pretty sure what my mom and i have is omicron and here's what we've had in common! mask the fuck up, get your shots, get tested, and avoid people if you feel even a little bit sick just in case - you're contagious pretty much the entire time the virus is in you anymore and it's gonna last an average of ten whole days

the vaccination will not make you immune, but it WILL make you safer! this is my first time getting it and so far it's basically been like getting strep and the flu at the same time

#psa #covid mention #covid #omicron variant

[natandacat]

In the moment, I can do a given effort, with immediate consequences that I can manage, even though they are already disproportionate (because of my dysautonomia, I might syncope, vomit, or get sustained inappropriate tachycardia & arrhythmia). I would be ok with this. I could live with this.

But the next day? The next day I can't walk. I talk excruciatingly slowly and with a slur because my facial muscles are completely relaxed from the lack of available energy. I can barely reposition myself in a laying position, sitting up and standing, even with help, might be impossible. I can barely think. I can barely used my phone; I need to use speech-to-text because I cannot type on my laptop.

I am lucky that my mental health is in a really good place nowadays. I genuinely enjoy producing those potentially triggering efforts and I'm not under unmanageable stress. And still, this happens. Systematically. I know for a fact that if I vacuum my flat I will have a minimum of 5 days in a Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), during which I am mainly bed-ridden.

That's what myalgic encephalitis means (which is most likely what is happening with me and other long covid patients with this profile*). It's not a psychiatric condition and treating it as such is dangerous because pushing beyond your limits can make your condition permanently worse (this is currently my infectiologist's theory: I got worse overall because I pushed myself too much and triggered too many PEMs). It's dangerous because it is harrowing to live with this condition. Imagine being too sick to get a bottle of water. Or to bath. For a full week. And this can happen anytime you make too big an effort -and there's no true way of preventing it because you won't know it was too much in the moment. Of course that's a source of distress! But it's not a consequence of it. And telling patients that it's the other way around is extremely irresponsible and demoralizing.

*I will soon participate in a research study to that effect, so hopefully more concrete data will show that the chronic fatigue associated with long covid has the same mechanism, and potentially is, ME/CFS.

#medical #long covid #me/cfs #i mean listen. i sometimes get sudden attacks of extreme fatigue that make it impossible to move #so i can get stuck. sprawled at my desk. on the floor in front of the kitchen sink. on a public bench. #its not a psychiatric condition but of course!!! its a distressing situation!!! #i have to actively fight the panic when it happens!!! thats fucking normal!!!!!! hello??????

[gaytog]

Early in 2020, quarantine killed my ability to engage with effective altruism. Turns out in-person meetups were load-bearing. I had access to online EA discussion spaces, but trying to do it all online—keep up with the latest news, learn more about each cause area, think over my career and donation decisions—proved unsustainable. Barely a week in, I felt the early signs of burnout.

So I stopped. My new goals for the pandemic were: finish university, take care of myself and my partners, don't catch COVID. Anything else was secondary.

This wasn't a change in values. I reasoned that hunkering down to focus on myself and my loved ones was, even from an EA perspective, the best thing I could do—that my total life impact would be higher if I kept up a good trajectory overall, rather than run myself into the ground for a little short-term gain. Not the only reason to take care of myself, of course, but it made the decision feel robustly, straightforwardly good.

And I actually did okay! Finished university, moved in with my partners, didn't catch COVID. Quarantine eroded my health, self-esteem, and overall well-being—but I had loads to begin with, so I was good for a whole year and a half, and the fatigue was temporary when I did finally catch it. Now I'm doing more than fine. I'm almost flourishing.

But EA is still missing from my life in a major way. I'm ready to get back into it, and I'm trying, but it's hard.

When I decided to take a break, I thought the pandemic would last a year or two. I thought it would end, cleanly, and my life would pick up where it left off. (I have no idea how reasonable this prediction was. I have a frustrating mental block around thinking too hard about COVID, because the 24-hour news cycle stresses me out and COVID was the 24-hour news cycle for a long time. Bleh.)

I was wrong in a few different ways:

The pandemic didn't end cleanly.

A lot happened in the movement while I was gone. I'm missing a lot of context. I barely know where to begin catching up.

I moved cities. My new home has a much larger EA community than the old one, but ironically this works against me—there's no single local meetup, so it's hard for newcomers to find the kind of in-person discussions and community I'm looking for.

That said, I have some cause for optimism:

I have an in-person job, and the whole "getting out of the house every day" thing is super helpful for managing the mental health burden both of the pandemic and of being lonely in a new city. Since I no longer spend 100% of my time at home, in-person EA meetups might not be so load-bearing anymore.

I'm making a monthly habit of donating 10% of my income to GiveWell-recommended charities, and of actually looking into their research when I do (instead of poking around just enough to make sure they're legit, which is all I did for my first donation through GiveWell). In addition to the normal benefits of giving to effective global health charities (fewer people dying!!!), the whole exercise feels extremely empowering and agency-affirming—which I did expect, but not to this degree! I've only done it for one month so far, having postponed the November donation due to NaNoWriMo, but I expect I'll keep up with the commitment because wow it feels good.

The FTX scandal has been (indirectly) helpful in getting me to feel like part of the community again. Most effective altruists are as in the dark as me, or nearly so; I'm learning things at the same time as everyone else. And lots of people are returning to the drawing board, reasserting and reevaluating their fundamental principles, which gives mild but helpful "101" energy to some conversations.

For now I've been doing a lot of lurking in online spaces, as well as trying to think seriously about my highest-impact career paths, both of which are easier now than they were in the early pandemic. We'll see how it goes!

#if we're mutuals and you suspect which city i'm talking about (yeah it's that one) #feel free to hit me up #would love to make friends here

[glass-expanse]

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

I've been 19 for a week and a day now and everything is going so much better than it was before.

All of May and June, I was deep in the trenches of depression and suicidal ideation. My 19th birthday, the evil voices were abruptly and miraculously gone. I had spent the day before stressed over scheduling an wanting to die and I broke down and just sobbed to God and told Him I couldn't fight for my life anymore and that He would have to fight for me. Just like Psalm 40 says, He heard my cry for help, He brought me up from the desolate pit, He took me out of the muddy clay, and now He is being faithful to set my feet on a rock, making my steps secure. I certainly wasn't good at waiting patiently, but His mercy is more than my failings!

By His grace, I have taken on the challenge to get back into the Word. I started studying Psalm 103 today and it's every reminder that I needed for the past several months. My relationship with God, while still weak after battling depression, hasn't had the chance to be strengthened like this in months.

A little over a year ago, I got sicker than I have ever been in my whole life. I had Covid and Heatstroke at the same time. I started manifesting symptoms of Covid on my 18th birthday-- I was extremely exhausted and blamed it on stress and the hard job I had splitting myself between camp riding lessons, farm riding lessons, trail rides, camp events, and my camp cabin. Sunday I came to the staff meeting at 0 energy level. Monday I was so depressed and felt so ill that I had to skip catching. I slept through breakfast. It was supposed to rain, but instead the entire farm was choked by a thick glistening haze of humidity. Because of the rain prediction, I had on a long sleeve (light colored) shirt.

I was so weak I couldn't project my voice and had to thrust my assistant into the thick of learning how to explain concepts in the order I gave them to him. Water cups came and I sank to me knees. I had to get through my trail ride-- it was my first chance to ride a horse I'd had my eye on for so long. 17 hands tall. 5 years old. I trust him with my life. Because I white knuckled that saddle horn for dear life, praying I wouldn't pass out. I was too week to even telephone directions for a crooked saddle up the line.

Halfway through, I feel like I need a sub. Call my assistant who is leading. He says hang in there, we're almost back. I cling to consciousness. One of my best friends sees that I'm pale and out of it, springs off the manure spreader tractor, fixes my student's saddle, and leads me in by the reins.

After a chiropractor appointment I guzzled water and powerade all afternoon and talk to my fellow on the phone. I didn't feel any better by dinner so I went to the nurse. Fever. Sick. I drive home in a daze and lie in bed for the next week, too weak to even stand in the shower.

For this past year, I have suffered from fatigue, heat sensitivity, and as time went on, serious pain in every single major joint and bone of my body save my skull. Shoulders, elbows, wrists, forearms, upper arms, back, hips, femurs, knees, shins, ankles, feet, hands... You name it, any physical activity made it hurt.

I couldn't do anything I loved to do. I couldn't even work a 16 hour workweek without being totally sapped each day. things only seemed to get worse, especially as warm weather returned. I had finally given up after two weeks of a diet that only made things worse.

And then, I took a course of iv*rm*ctin. Just a children's course. During the course, I still had pain... But after... It was gone! Praise God! The first improvement I had seen in a year of taking tests, seeing doctors, taking supplements, changing diets, trying rest, trying working, trying everything short of steroids. Finally, finally! I have improved!

And today, today has been so exciting! I spent 2+ hours in direct sunlight... carried two water buckets... cut and arranged not one but TWO full size bouquets... picked berries... measured and remeasured a 60x48 area... mucked out the chicken coop a bit... planked for 30 seconds... and walked a ton. And then, after that, I didn't go inside! I stayed on the porch in part sun part shade until 6:00 or so just talking with company we had over! Staying outside in 90 degree heat! Me! Indefinitely! With no issue!

I'm sore... but in my muscles. I'm tired... but I don't feel the endless black maw of fatigue. And the sun burned my face and arms but it didn't feel like it was hitting me like a mallet anymore. I'm still working on water intake, but. This. Is. Phenomenal. Praise God for His healing!

What's next? Well, I'm praying over my plans. What I would like to do is this. Help instruct camp lessons for the final month of camp. Then after that get a job at a flower shop as the working students return to school. And while I do that, continue to build back into riding and instructing by forging a connection with a new barn where I can be mentored as an instructor. Then this fall, attend a CHA clinic to become an officially certified instructor. And someday soon as I grow in these areas, find myself a couple roommates and buy myself a project horse to expand my marketable skills.

How can you be praying? Well, my largest request would be for patience. I have been so impatient for the past year. I know I tend to be impatient with my body, my abilities, and my goals. So while I can taste the future now, I know thag I still have to be gentle with my body as it returns to being a properly usable meatsuit lol. Also wisdom, that I would know the difference between creating my own doors and going through open ones. For humility, that I may submit my heart, mind, life, plans, and freedom fully to God. That He would make His will for my life clear and that I would have the humility to accept that. For boldness, that I would seek out wise counsel rather than avoiding it out of fear.

Blessed be the name of the Lord... the trials of the past year are yielding fruit, driving me closer to God, helping me support others... This is only the beginning. Even if my health stays here forever, even if it gets worse again, I know God still has a purpose for me and that He's not done with me yet. He can do anything. His will shall come through in my life, He'll make sure of it. I may not know for certain what the next step is, but I know that God is there and I have to take the responsibility to learn His Word so that I may discern the path ahead.

Jesus loves me so much. He gave mercy to Peter, who denied Him thrice over. He has given mercy to me. No matter how far I wander, I know I am in the hand of the most high God of heaven and earth, and I know that nothing can take me away from that, not even myself! My hope is in the sanctified of Christ, that I will continue to grow closer to God despite any setbacks.

Soli Deo Gloria

#Praise report #Prayer request #God is Good!!! #Long post #Worth the read

[loves-quinns]

ahh!! i am so sorry you have covid rn :/ how r u doing? and honestly, quite impressive for 3 yrs considering you work in health — sending u good vibes

Its honestly been up and down. I never really understood when people said it hits you in waves but like I would go from feeling fine to being exhausted in like .2 seconds. I also never got the extreme fatigue thing but like I washed my hair yesterday and I felt like I could have napped for 2 hours afterwards lol. Now though its mostly just a cough and chest tightness and I still haven't been cleared to go back to work but I'm hoping Monday!

#answered #im literally feeling guilty that i wasnt cleared to go back to work tomorrow but im working through it lol #i wasnt feeling stir crazy until this morning but now im ready to start getting out again #but i know this is for the best #and no one wants a nurse thats coughing all over the place and sounds like shes actively ill because her sinuses are still so clogged lol

[sad-sad-times]

Any medical doctors on here wanna diagnose me with something? because if I get told that drinking more water is gonna fix all my problems, one more time, I will be going on a murderous rampage.

Doctors piss me off sometimes.

I'm a trans afab and they put me on the pill to 'fix' my hormone problems. I got a shit load more estrogen and a fuck tonne of other symptoms I hated and it didn't even fix my original problems (irregular periods and chronic acne btw)

I went to the GP about fatigue, dizziness, nausea, and headaches and instead of doing the blood test that THEY had suggested, the doctor told me to drink more water like that would fix everything.

I went to a doctor about a shoulder injury and all she did was lift my arm a bit before saying she couldn't do anything about the problem and that I should just exercise more. I couldn't lift my arm by more than 90° and had sustained injury to it multiple times. Severe pain every time I walked or moved or carried something even vaguely heavy. They wouldn't even give me pain killers. My fucking PE teacher was the one that eventually told me my shoulders were extremely uneven and my right shoulder blade was swollen. (FYI I hurt my back so bad once I threw up and the doctor still said she couldnt do anything about it)

I had a chest infection last September, and even after I had two negative covid tests the doctor told me (over the phone) that I should just take paracetamol and rest because it was probably nothing. I couldn't breathe or lay down two weeks later, finally got an appointment with an amazing doctor who was rightfully pissed that her colleague gave me such shit help. The infection was so bad I got told I'd developed minor asthma from all the coughing.

#rant #medical stuff #being seen as a female in the british health care system is exhausting #trans male

[vizthedatum]

just another vent about my ex-spouse because I'm processing my triggers from Monday

So Monday was a very bad day for me, and I think I figured out why (IN ADDITION TO THE STUPID PMDD).

My landlord at my current place (literally the best apartment I've ever rented so far, and it's affordable) does annual pest maintenance. Like he hires an external company to come and check with us about any concerns we're having, and they do the necessary work.

I did deal with some mice earlier this year (I think I caught and killed them all, and the maintenance man helped me seal any points of entry with steel wool).

I do try to keep my current place clean - even if it gets cluttered and unvacuumed. (I am working on that clutter right now).

It is EXTREMELY better than how I was living with my ex-spouse.

--

The appointment with the pest maintenance person went so well! We didn't really see any major issues, I asked about how I've been growing my plants and if that could be introducing pests, and he laid out some preemptive traps.

I don't have pests or mice or anything.

My place is clean and not dirty.

--

I was triggered though. And I went into a spiral about how I was going to be alone, financially broke forever, etc. (I mean, these are still my fears...)

--

As I've mentioned earlier in the blog, my ex-spouse purposely kept me in a long-term living situation that had a severe mouse infestation (they were everywhere, and I was desperately cleaning all the time when I had the energy, and I was in complete and fucking dysregulation). AND I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KICKED THEM OUT, CALLED AN EXTERMINATOR LIKE I WANTED TO, AND DEALT WITH IT.

I am one of the more peaceful people with animals you may ever meet, but I WILL STILL FUCKING KILL WILD MICE IN MY HOME. Judge me all you want.

Asshole didn't even understand how much fucking health risk they were putting us in while talking about how covid was going to kill us (again, note: said asshole did not have any healthcare experience or know-how - nor did they really listen to me.).

--

We had hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of traps, did you know?

The ones that I got (that I had to get approved by them - to be safe and non-lethal... even though I ended up getting lethal ones later), I really did try to deploy them and use. We caught and released a few, but it was overall a worthless effort.

--

It's just all triggering to me, even though I'm so safe right now.

My apartment (even if it's messy right now) is SO MUCH CLEANER AND WELL-ORGANIZED than how I was living with them.

I am literally suffering from flares and fatigue right now, and I can still manage it all so much better. I am more functional than I was two years ago.

I remember one time, I went out TO FUCKING RECHARGE MY SPOONS BY HAVING NECESSARY SOCIAL INTERACTION (THAT I ALSO CLEARED WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY HAD SUCH BAD CONTROL ISSUES) BECAUSE THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO MY FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH, and I came back, and they were crying on top of a pile of cardboard boxes saying that I was just going out and not helping take care of the household.

HOW COULD I TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSEHOLD WHEN YOU ANTAGONIZED EVERYTHING I DID ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

I BEGGED YOU AND SHOWED YOU THE THINGS I COULD NOT DO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT AFFECTED ME THAT I COULDN'T SAFELY COOK IN OUR OWN FUCKING KITCHEN?!

DID YOU LIKE SEEING ME IN PERPETUAL FUNCTIONAL FREEZE GETTING SICKER AND SICKER?

LOOK AT OLD PICTURES OF ME THROUGHOUT THE RELATIONSHIP AND KNOW THAT YOU DID THAT. YOU TOOK AWAY MY YOUTH, MY BEAUTY, MY HEALTH, AND MY SANITY.

YOU REDUCED ME TO FUCKING PROP WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS SILLY.

TELL EVERYONE I WAS A BAD PARTNER - TELL EVERYONE I WAS THE ABUSIVE AND UNHINGED ONE - IT'S EASY TO DO, ISN'T IT? It's sooooo easy to call me crazy, huh?

--

I'd rather be crazy and unhinged than ever be with someone remotely like you ever again. Because my level of "crazy and unhinged" is living a peaceful, pest-free life where I (and my friends and loved ones) can do something meaningful with our lives. I might be messy. I might have really bad executive functioning skills. I have legitimate life challenges. I might need help from my friends from time to time and be demanding in my relationships. I might be super verbose and dramatic/quirky/whatever... but I don't think I'm crazy.

#vent post #vent #cw vent #trauma #mice #pests #healing #neurodivergence #heartbreak #harm #pest services #i know this is a repetitive vent but it had a huge impact on me