#I'm so tired of seeing this shit even in neurodivergent spaces.

[flandrepudding]

doll collection post

Hi guyz!! so somebody asked me to post my doll collection a while back and I put it off because i'm trying to rearrange my setup but its taking much longer than expected due to irl stuff.

But I dont wanna wait anymore! Feel free to just scroll through the pictures, you don't have to read the commentary if you don't want to. In fact you don't have to scroll through any of this at all. I wrote a lot because I am severely neurodivergent. Having a genuine blogging moment rn.

I have been waiting forever for an excuse to post my collection!! I was so happy someone suggested I do so.

I don't have a lot of room for everybody! Everyone is scattered around my room, but I try my best to display them nicely...

My G1 collection is moderately sized, these dolls are expensive and difficult to find. There are so many more I want, like Dead Tired Lagoona or Sweet 1600 Draculaura to go with my Sweet 1600 Clawdeen...sigh. But it just keeps getting harder! I am actually content with stopping my G1 collecting hunt for now and instead focusing on G3... Many of these dolls are from my dear friends, especially Leo and Raven (hi guyz!). Without my friends, I would only have three of these dolls... I am so lucky to be so loved!!!

I don't have many bratz that are in good enough shape to be on display. I really grew up on bratz rather than monster high... but again...these dolls get expensive! Roxxi was always a favorite of mine and a crush! Growing up, I was the type of kid who almost exclusively wanted one brat though. Yasmin. Not Cloe, Jade, or Sasha. I was devoted to collecting Yasmin because she looked similar to me. In retrospect, I really wish I had gotten more of the other girls...I do have some...though their numbers pale in comparison to the Yasmin army.

The ball-jointed doll is my most expensive doll and my largest doll (she is fucking ginormous). Even when buying her at half the original price (great deal from a great friend) she was hardly affordable.

I bought her because I plan on customizing her to be Flandre Scarlet, my ultimate comfort character! I've always dreamed of having a doll of Flan. SO why not make one myself? I've had her for months but am still too scared to cut that beautiful hair off...I'm no good at cutting wigs/hair in general. I did install her red eyes myself which I've never done before as this is my first and probably last bjd! She is gorgeous but I would consider these dolls luxury items... VERY EXPENSIVE.

(idk why the exposure is so high on these, sorry!! >_<;)

I am so happy to have the coffin bean playset!! I think it was a really good idea to get it. but I am so sad because I have hardly any room for it! So It's sitting on my dresser in front of a giant mirror so please excuse the poor editing I did to obscure the reflection of me and my living space lol...

I gave my Twyla low pigtails, though they aren't very visible, and my Clawdeen braids! I think Clawdeen looks super cute this way tbh I tried curling her hair again and again and again but the curls always fell out (I dont have much experience)...but honestly... I think I like this look even better ^_^. You can see her ears so well this way.

This Clawdeen is basically my holy grail and it was gifted to me by Leo, Leo if you're reading this I hope you know you are basically Jesus.

not to get deep but the OMG doll next to her is special to me because it is one of the last gifts I got from my late Grandpa. He took me to target and when I said I liked the doll, no questions asked, he bought her for me. Didn't give me shit for liking dolls at my big age. He simply got her for me because she made me happy, and he wants me to be happy. Dolls can mean so much. Again, I am so lucky to be so loved!!! >:D

I have this gorgeous Draculaura just chilling next to my jewelry cuz I have nowhere else to put her and honestly she is gorgeous and should stand alone.

Here I have the pride Bratz next to my bed!!! They mean so much to me, as I said earlier I had a crush on Roxxi. To see she's a canon lesbian now is so incredible!! And Nevra, her girlfriend, is beautiful! They are so cute together... they are never leaving that box though. This was actually the first doll/set of dolls where I fully understood why people are content leaving dolls in their boxes. I love to play with my dolls so much... but I could never play with these two!! If anything happened to them I would lose my mind.

Now... you're probably thinking......where the hell is Lagoona?!?! Do you not have one despite loving her this much? Of course I have a Lagoona. I AM GROWING AN ARMY!!!!!!

I really, really love Lagoona...I want to get every Lagoona doll I possibly can. Isn't she so cute! I relate to her character in the cartoon a lot too... her life at home, her difficulties speaking up when she is sad or angry, her sporty personality, etc etc... She has quickly claimed her spot as biggest comfort character #2. I included many pictures because I simply cannot pick one, she is flawless. You might recognize the Lagoona on the left, I drew her in that exact pose recently!!

I have her army on my desk, giving me the strength I need to get through my work... like Homer Simpson with his pictures of baby Maggie at his work. I get endless inspiration and motivation from Lagoona!!!

And here is the Flandre shrine bonus... I adore her!! I also have finally ordered a fumo flan that should arrive in august around my birthday eeek!!!

Anyways that is my collection. It's been many years in the making, though it's almost doubled since monster high G3 released... Mattel truly has me by the balls right now. If you read any of this, thank you. I put a lot of time into making this post, and it was really fun. I feel like a real blogger right now.

I really really enjoy dolls and talking about them. So I will happily do so anytime I get the chance!!! Will probably do an update once I finally install some more shelves and move stuff around <3

#blair.txt #doll collection #doll collector #Blair.circus

[thedisablednaturalist]

Im not a mean person, but I've had a hard day and this is the last straw. I'm so fucking tired of people defending mental illness and neurodivergence with their last breath and doing NOTHING for physical disability.

And it's usually not even out of malice! They literally just never think of us! This is not a "when not about me 🥺" situation. This is a problem with all types of activism. It is not physically disabled people taking over neurodivergent spaces. It is everyone talking about one and not the other. Yes mental illnesses and neurodivergence should be advocated for and supported! I'm not saying to stop doing that! But when you are literally talking about marginalized people as a whole and explicitly leave out any mention of physical disability, that's when I get pissed off.

I'm tired of seeing mentions of mental health awareness, relatable TM stuff in popular culture, they celebrated mental health awareness month EVERYWHERE I looked. And not one fucking mention of physical disability anywhere. We don't even have our own month (disability pride month is for everyone) and it wasn't mentioned anywhere. I'm happy that mental health is getting a spotlight, I really am, the awareness is a good thing. But people stop at that. They don't do shit for physical disabilities, chronic illness, disorders, etc. And it is even more rare to see anything about how neurodivergence and physical disability intersect. We are being left behind

#cpunk #cripplepunk #physical disability #chronic disability #chronic pain #spoonie #disability

[interlagosed]

I can't help but feel like all of this defense of Bianca is purely due to ableism that F1 fans themselves have but don't realize.

The amount of times I've seen people try to pull the "I can't be racist because I have black/brown friends/relatives" card and still have to face consequences, yet she uses her autistic brother as a prop to claim she can't be ableist and people are suddenly like "omg best apology ever, we support our queen."

No. I am autistic. I've gotten bullied for it for much of my life. I don't appreciate seeing Bianca continuing that bullying by encouraging the use of autism as an insult, and I especially don't like her using someone who is autistic to try to cover up her behavior. People need accountability if they're going to learn, and so far her version of "taking accountability" has just been "I'm just a girl, just a kid, only 18, I didn't know better" which luckily she deleted, and then using her autistic brother to try to gain PR brownie points after insulting people with autism.

And I KNOW F1 is full of ableism, not just on twitter but on here too. Hell, I was ranting to a F1 friend maybe a month ago about a post someone made on here about how they didn't like Lando solely because they thought he was neurodivergent but he was too privileged to have to mask his neurodivergent behavior and I just? Girl what in the fucking ableism. Do people realize how exhausting "masking neurodivergent behavior" is? And that post had about a dozen notes - not of people calling it out, but of people agreeing with it. Lance gets the majority of it, but I've also seen people use autism to insult Logan too. He isn't in F1 anymore, but I saw it all the time with Latifi too. Like fucking stop chalking up disliking people to "omg i don't like them because they exhibit behaviors that i associate with autism," that's fucking gross and insulting!!!

Idk I'm tired of reading how I'm anti-women or anti-POC for not immediately accepting her apology and jumping right back in to supporting her. She needs to do a LOT of self-reflecting and attitude changing, as do motorsport fans in general given a lot of responses to this situation. Ableism isn't cool, cute, funny, etc. (Also looking at the fans who repost that RocketPoweredMohawk YouTuber's clips in the tags on Tumblr too. The guy's biggest punchline is "HAHAHAHA lance autistic" yet F1 fans worship the ground he walks on and treats him like peak comedy. Please, find an actual sense of humor that doesn't involve making people with disabilities the punchline of your jokes). It's getting old. It's not funny or quirky or edgy. It's exhausting to constantly run into reminders that most of these people I'm interacting with in my online spaces would never accept me and would probably just bully me if I ever came across them in real life. 🙃

Thank you for saying all of this. I genuinely didn’t even know this was a line of ~commentary (ew) on Lance or Logan. It’s absolutely disgusting. I feel like we’re only just getting to a point where people even understand autism (and let’s be clear…they still don’t lol not really) but shit like this is so gross and only forces autistic people even further into the margins of society. I’m really sorry the fandom is like this. You deserve to take up as much space as you need, and the rest of us need to hold ableists accountable.

#hibi answers

[tomsawyee]

Disability is a weird sort of social marginalization because there is simply no joy that I can find in it? The days are getting colder and I can only sit up for 4 or so hours before I need to lie in bed for 3 more, and I keep thinking about how absolutely hollow this is. How there is no broader insight to be gained, how pain is just pain, and all it does is make me meaner, more tired, more impatient, just plain bitter.

And don't get me wrong, the joys to be found in cultures formed in societal margins are inseparably informed by that marginalization. But these are still rich pieces of myself that I would never change.

I love being a lesbian. I love that my day to day community is surrounded by people who see past the veil of gender essentialism. I love my internalized understanding that a woman is a woman simply because she says she is, how utterly freeing that is even when I'm cis. I love how we can be grey, or fat, or flat, or wrinkled, or broad, and that even though societal harms obviously, inevitably, creep into our spaces and into our thinking, we are far more equipped to push the rot out simply because more of us know how to be vigilant for it. Because of how much of it we have already overcome. I wouldn't trade this inseparably threaded piece of myself for "normalcy."

I love being autistic. I love how I think, I love how this has shaped my personality. I love how it's made me so good at portraying human body language in art because I had to learn it manually. I love how it's shaped my understanding of language and consequentially of writing. I love how good I am at remembering and recognizing music. I love how invested I get in my interests and how much richer my appreciation for them is because I care so deeply. I wouldn't trade this inseparably threaded piece of myself for being able to watch fireworks, or fitting into social situations better, or not having some kind of neurological Event when I wear socks too long.

I fucking hate being disabled. There is no joyful angle to take here, there's no insight that enriches my life. I wouldn't trade all the emotional damage caused by being visibly gay and neurodivergent since childhood, but I would take a magic cure for this syndrome that has locked me out of so much joy in a heartbeat. Maybe it's because we can't form community the same way because someone still has to be able to do the grocery shopping, or lift heavy objects, or regularly do dishes and laundry and cleaning. Maybe it's because it would still suck to be in pain all the time even if we didn't live in a society that systemically bars the disabled from accessing it.

I don't really have A Point here, the weather is just forcing me to live in a head that's constantly being needled by this shit at a higher volume, and I wish I could make sense of it in a way that doesn't boil down to "Well, That Fucking Blows," but I can't, because it doesn't.

[cosmic--marmalade]

Gormenghast Body

A/N: I'm feeling too lazy to format this proper, or tag it proper. It's Hurt/comfort

Neurodivergent!Jon hasn't figured out a healthy way to cope with being overstimmed yet and almost has a panic attack/full blown meltdown. Eddie helps.

Being intentionally unteatherd from ones body, from needing to TendCareForceUsefullness for it, is a delicate process when done on purpose. He knows this, knows it helps even, but pushes the urge to ask as far down as he can make to go. As a result he floats away from himself at the most inconvenient of moments.

He's aware that they're all in the middle of dinner, while he's stuck looking up from the bottom of a swimming pool. Watching everything and everyone move around him, too far away too care

The music of the restaurant is distant, warbling through his watery mind sluggishly. He nods, a quick jut of the chin at a question someone asks him (he has no idea what the fuck it was, but the silent response must have been enough because no one is looking at him now), and he cannot feel it. The world is a never ending loop of BrightnessDarkness, rippling in his vision. Colors, shapes, distant rumbles of laughter all dulled by his disconnect, shades away from his physical body.

It'd be pleasant if he felt like he could breathe. He has no idea how long he's been holding his breath for, letting it out in a long gust of a BubbledAir.

"That was a big sigh." The voice next to him cuts so clear that Mox is totally back before he even finishes blinking. Fresh out of the pool startled, Eddie looking at him like he was drowning.

He might have been.

Mox shrugs, sinking in to his sweatshirt, pretending he didn't forget how to breathe. Like the obnoxious din of the restuarant wasn't grating on every freshly soaked nerve he has. Like he didn't not want to be here.

He can see the way Eddie had already pushed past his bullshit. Past the QuietSurfaceTired, right into that thrumming pool pump of anxiety in his chest.

He can't stop the way his leg bounces as he orients himself to the real world again, even as he tries to stop. But his skin's too tight, and silverware's too light in his hand, and his leg fuckin bounces along of its own will.

Eyefluttering, breathholding, pure fucking chlorine soaked Mox chances a glance at Eddie. Which was the wrong thing to do.

Maybe.

He's so jumbled up and weary that he doesn't know what the face Eddie is making means. Maybe it means he's mad.

Jon really fucking hopes he's not mad.

"Hey, I think we're good for tonight. Exhusted as shit-" Protests ring out from around the table, the cacophony of disappointment sits heavy in Mox's chest. "Nope, nah, don't want to hear it. If any of you motherfuckers want to sleep your hangovers off in the car tomorrow you're gonna let us-" Jon tries so so hard not to jump out of his skin as Eddie's hand connects with his chest. "Sit your dumbassery out."

He has no idea if Eddie pays, or it's for both of them, he waves a short goodbye over his shoulder but couldn't tell you who was sat at that table if his life depended on it.

He's all swim tired, head too light, and legs almost shaking as Eddie walks them back to the hotel. For summer the night is almost bitingly cold, must be the wind.

Yeah, the wind.

He's a pace or two behind Eddie, who is walking more slow, cautiously, than he usually does.

He's mad.

He has to be mad. Jon ignores the tightness at his throat.

He's breathing. It means nothing.

The hotel lobby is brighter than a football field, and the elevator is the same. Eddie doesn't protest or grumble as Jon pushes his body into his space. Or when he tucks his face into the crook of Eddie's neck. Just lays a heavy hand on his nape, thumb pressing soft circles into the skin.

Doing what he always does, feels obligated to do.

Jon wants to crawl out of his skin, he doesn't fucking deserve it. Not one bit. Not at all. Not when he definitely ruined the night.

He's not certain when they got to the hotel room, just knows because Eddie has to pry his StupidNeedyUseless frame off of his to open the door.

He follows Eddie in, trembling, as most of the lights are flicked low or off. The dimness of the room is warm, inviting, a fucking relief really.

"Hey, c'mere." Eddie wraps Jon up in an embrace, to soften the blow of the scolding that's sure to come. Has to be.

"Whoa hey, what the fuck? What you crying for? Thought you wanted to get outta there, looked like you were gonna float away if you didn't." Eddie wipes the tears from Jon's face with a tenderness that he can't quite wrap his brain around. When did he start crying?

He opens his mouth to try to say something, anything, and- and-

"You're not mad?" It's a pathetic, watery question, rasped out from the deepest part of his fear. He catches sight of some slouched, teary, shaking twentysomething in the reflection of the bedside lamp on his side. Skinny like he hasn't eaten enough, peaky and pale like he might throw up anyways. Was that him?

Was that really him?

Eddie's pulling him in close and tight again. Murmuring softly into his hair in a way he can't quite parse.

"No man, I'm fucking worried. You were sitting at our table all night but you weren't there. Where'd you go, huh?" His tone is fond, light but-

"I think it was too much, it was...one second I was there walking in with you and the next I was just," Jon's not sure how to finish the sentence, heart pounding.

"I don't know. It's like my brain puts me on autopilot." The need to move his body, shake out this weakness in it, burns in his fingers. He rolls his neck, pressing his palms into his eye sockets like he can compress the rest of his mind back into its container.

Tendrils of himself float away, riptide confetti, as he talks. He can't hold all of himself together like this, not alone.

"Can you just," Mox let's the words ping pong around till he can get them out of his mouth.

"Hit me, kiss me, I don't I just- take me out of my skull? Put me back together?" He grinds his teeth, he hates asking. Makes him feel like he's chewing glass.

Eddie watches him try to detangle the singular thought from his brain, the longer he thinks the more Mox is sure Eddie is gonna dump him on his ass and go back to the restaurant.

A car alarm goes off in the parking lot and Mox thinks he flinches. His vision snaps like he does.

"Yeah I can do that." Eddie's timber SinkMeltSmoothes its way into Mox's marrow. A warm hand sliding along his face, cupping his cheek makes him realize how cold he is.

The car alarm shuts off, and Mox is more than thankful for that. More than thankful when Eddie presses their mouths together sweetly, like he can pull Mox back onto land from the crush of their bodies alone.

Jon shivers, pressing closer, arms looping around his friend's shoulders as Eddie picks him up and lays him down gently in the bed. God, when did they start moving?

Eddie's kisses are warm molasses, soothing the distant cold ache in Mox's body. His heart finally slowing down as Eddie crowds into him, all soft and insistent. Like he wants this, like Jon isn't just someone he's obligated to care for, like he gets something from this too.

Jon sighs into his mouth pulling away from the kiss, holding himself close as he can still. His head is starting to slow down too, he's finding it easier to gently unravel the knots in his brain now.

"Hey." He breathes out softly, voice still on the edge of watery, eyes still stinging as if he might burst at the seams with tears at any moment.

"Hey yourself." Eddie grins back, eyes mirrors of his own.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to ask for this again. Maybe asking didn't mean waiting till someone noticed he was drowning already.

Maybe he should just kiss Eddie again.

So he does.

#briar writes #Jon Moxley #Eddie Kingston #EddieMox #listen is this probably ooc? yes #do I care right now? no #it made me feel good to write this so Imma post it just because I can #the drowning man came on when I was doing chores today and I can't resist a good song from The Cure

[redysetdare]

for how welcoming like to pretend it is the disability community on here has been the most hostile and unwelcoming community I've experienced.

maybe it's just the posts I'm getting... tumblr seems to think I'm interested in discourse posts for disability. But i just know each one i see has made me feel worse and worse for calling myself disabled.

first i see posts that are other disabled ppl shitting on my mental illnesses or neurodivergencies - acting as if that's not disabling or disabled enough. then there's so many people who don't explain what "Physically disabled" means other than "You are physically disabled". which from my experience ppl usually only ever talk about disabilities that effect your movement or legs. leaving me to wonder if needed glasses count? if having stomach issues count? if back chronic migraines count? my back pain and knee pain? what about hyperhydrosis? not to mention the fact my mental illnesses can make these symptoms worse - does that mean they don't count because they connect to my mental disabilities? i take 5 different medications a day to try to negate my side effects for everything im suffering with. I don't know whats enough and the one place i look to for even the slightest bit of relief and validation is met with hostility and "you don't belong here" and it sucks!!!!

im sure some ppl have fantastic time in disability spaces but as someone who's still trying to be able to call themselves disabled after everyone around me told me I wasn't in enough pain or was too young to be in the pain i claimed to be.... it really sucks to not have support and only be met with discourse post after discourse post.

maybe I'm on the wrong side but idk how to find the right side. I'm tired. I just need someone to say that my suffering is enough. maybe then i won't have to suffer alone.

#text #disability #personal #part of me knows i am disabled that normal people arent suffering this much #normal people dont feel this much pain #but it's hard to accept when everyone around you says your over-exaggerating and it's not a big deal #things have just been progressively getting worse and idk man im really needing ppl who understand right now becuz i dont have anyone

[dirtytransmasc]

ralvez but...

*spelling errors will be fixed tomorrow, this is just getting my thoughts down while they're still coherent in my mind, I just don't have the energy to edit at the moment*

ralvez but it's just luke helping Spence heal. not move on, not push down, not get over. heal from all the shit he's gone through, abandon all of the nasty habits and ideologies he's formed over the years.

ralvez but it's Luke just holding Spence's head above the water giving him a chance to breathe without a fight.

ralvez but its Luke holding Reid close, giving him all of the love and attention he need, and staring in awe every morning when he wakes up before Spence and gets to see the sun cast down on his face.

ralvez but Luke heals himself by helping Spencer. Spencer healing Luke without even knowing, just by existing, by rambling and fiddling and loving.

ralvez but its just luke treating Reid like a person, not something small and fragile, not like a child, not patronizing and pitying him for his neurodivergence and trauma. giving him the accommodations he needs without treating him like an other or thing to be coddled.

ralvez but its Luke being the supportive shoulder to lean on. asking questions by giving options, not leaving it so open ended that it's overwhelming. not making Spencer feel like he has to say he's fine, giving him the space to talk when he wants, and space to hurt and feel when he's not ready to put everything into words.

ralvez but Luke never takes their relationship as consent. he always asks before touching, always makes sure Reid is comfortable even with the smallest of things.

ralvez but Luke doesn't become Spencer's keeper. he lets Spencer be his own person, let's him fight his own battles, unless he asks for help. he doesn't become and over bearing gaurd dog, boxing Reid in, cutting him off from the world.

ralvez, but it's Luke giving Reid a space to be angry. angry at the team for every time they let him down. telling him it's ok to be angry and still love them, to acknowledge they didn't mean to hurt him but still did.

ralvez but it's just Luke taking the time to learn who Spencer is, helping Spencer relearn himself.

ralvez but it starts with Luke just helping Reid exist, they don't even realize it; hanging out after work cause they're both lonely turns into sleepovers. sleepovers go from one in the couch and then other on the bed, to sharing the bed. sharing turns into cuddling, cuddling turns to pressing close during nightmares and sleepless nights. waking up and still staying close till they're both forced out of bed for one reason or another, cause they both yearn for touch. they're basically inseparable, the team can't help but notice how they are tied together by a invisible yet tangible force. how they're both visibly happier. they are, by definition, a couple for years before they make it official with words. they've held hands and gone on dates, don't the typical couple things the whole time, shared a kiss here and there, and they're perfectly content. they've said 'I love you' since they can remember. they just never needed to put a word or label on it, both are fine just being and existing as they are. that's more then enough for them.

ralvez but each other's existence, is both a comforting weight that presses the breath out of your lungs, making you feel like you're no longer full of stale air and cobwebs - and a reliving lightness, that eases the pain in tired bones.

ralvez, but they're just soulmates. nothing more, nothing less.

am I autistic rambling about a ship I'm obsessed with because I'm autistic and I project onto Spence AND luke makes me feel safe, and then turning that rambling into something close to a poem because I'm gay and a writer... no, why would you say that?

#ralvez #luke alvez #spencer reid #criminal minds #autism #original poem #kinda sorta #writing #my writing #gay #gay mlm #im gay autistic and tired

[alostlittleriverlotus]

One thing I have noticed with my narcissism (and PDs in general, ya know what, neurodivergency in general cause this is related to my autism and ADHD too) is that people will never perceive me correctly. I will always be seen as what they want to see. And I think that's one reason I'm so attached to MA. After so much work, so many years, and all of that, she doesn't see me as some expectation. Sometimes she does because she's traumatized and has a people pleasing problem, but I can just tell her that she is projecting onto me because she's in an emotional state and she listens.

So many people just see what they want. It's why I can feel I never can communicate properly (and the fact I'm semispeaking and I become overwhelmed by my thoughts.)

Like this is why I am so unstable with how I see myself. Yeah there's the trauma, but it's the fact that no one really looks at me as me. I speak and can feel not even heard and being misinterpreted despite working hard to say precisely what I think. Even with my closest loved ones, the good ones basically, I get this. And it doesn't help that with this misinterpretation that I am often demonized. I've been told I'm lying and faking, I'm a psycho/sociopath, I'm a narcissist (derogatory), I am selfish, I am a monster, and so much more. Family, friends both ex and old ones that I lost contact with, my abusive ex. Some of it is abuse and others are just...complete lack of understanding.

MA truly feels like the one person who SEES me and doesn't shove unfair expectations onto me. When I struggle to communicate my thoughts and I get overwhelmed and experience speech loss, he lets me take my time and accepts that he has misunderstood what he said. That happens a lot since our minds work VERY differently. But even with us having minds that work and process things extremely differently, I feel more understood by him than anyone else.

No one sees me for me. I am not my own being, I am simply existing for others. And that's why I fucking over explain and have so much anxiety. From small comments I make on a subject to my own posts to my close relationships.

And I am mad about it. It only worsens my desire to be understood which makes me feel more isolated and struggling to connect with others. I'm delusional as shit, dissociated as fuck, and have a very unstable grip on reality. And if I complain about shit, I am made to feel in the wrong. I'm just so frustrated by how I've been treated by everyone around me.

I often feel like such shit for preferring MA to my girlfriend, but MA is the single person I can 1000% unmask around. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have had a safe space to unmask and learn I'm a system or I have NPD and ASPD.

I dunno how to end posts so that's the end of my rant. Just frustrated. How much I've masked and it's still never been enough. How much I have worked to appeal to the expectations of others only to be called awful things and told I am a selfish, uncaring person even by my own "friends." To be treated like I'm some obsessive, controlling monster. My close loved ones now aren't like that, but I still feel I cannot unmask and be fully open with them. There is still an expectation from them that I cannot fulfill anymore.

I'm so tired of masking around everyone except MA cause they're the only person to truly make me feel safe to express myself. I'm so tired of constantly having to worry about others' feelings just to avoid abandonment. I'm so tired of having to fulfill the perfect friend role just because I've been left before. I wish they could make me feel safe and listen to me, but even when I open up, they misconstrue what I say. I love MA so much. Having that single person that believes in you, loves you, sees you, listens to you and works to understand, allows you to be honest and to criticize and point out the reality of our relationship, it's fucking perfect. Thank you, MA, if you see this. I love you so much. You're my best friend and the one person who truly sees me. I'm proud of both of us for how far we've come and I will always be here to support you. Thank you for allowing me to unmask and be my traumatized, neurodivergent, disabled self. And I'm glad I can be the same for you. I know you say you wouldn't be who you are without me, but I don't even think I would have come out as enby if not for having you to allow me a safe space to explore my identity. Thank you, MA. I love you, adore you, treasure you. Thank you for always trying for me.

Even in these posts I make, I feel I have to over explain or carefully word the way I talk just to avoid the more negative crowd. I still have bad anxiety around the online world due to bad experiences just related to ships, characters, and pokemon so yeah. But I have come a long way and I'm a lot better than I used to be. I never would have admitted this much.

But um yeah, that's my rant. I'm tired, I've barely slept lol so I'm gonna go take a nap. Night night.

#narcissist #narcissistic #actually narcissistic #actually antisocial #actually traumatized #actually autistic #autistic #autism #antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #narcissistic personality disorder #narcissistic abuse #neglect #abuse #disconnect #system #actually disabled #adhd #neurodivergent #unstable #delusional #psychotic #schizophrenic spectrum #actually psychotic #aspd #npd #npd positivity #narc abuse #narcissism #vent

[tashabilities]

Dog, I'm high and eating Crunch N Munch in bed.

I'm laughing at how I found this Black autistic guy on IG.

He's grown, but I feel like he's younger than me, and autistic Black men who KNOW they're autistic AND openly identify as such are few and far between,

AND I'm already tired of the whiteness in my online autistic spaces so I was very glad to see him and immediately followed him.

Anyway, he posted a TikTok to his IG stories that said something to the effect of "Would You Date a big handsome Black teddy bear?"

I was like hell yeah, but depends on how big and tall he is (we all got our preferences), and I really like making out, so how attractive do I find him and do he floss his teeth?

Me being who I am, I thought this Black autistic man was just asking in general at first, like, yeah, I'd date a teddy bear,

But he was asking if the viewer would date HIM, duh.

So then this man--whose IG name directly references his Black and autistic identity--

Fills in the blank at the end of the teddy bear question with his personal autistic traits,

Which he recognizes might be deal breakers for anyone, even other autistic people.

He lists his autistic traits in the rest of the TikTok, asking,

"Even if he likes to spin things, rock back and forth, associate a song with many things and still play video games?"

And what I learned from the deaf autistic chiropractor who was my ASL instructor at ALI is that our autism gotta be compatible if we gon last.

Cause if YOUR stuff--from processing and communication, to triggers and stims--gets on my nerves and throws me into dysregulation,

To the point where I'm frustrated to triggered and thus, NOT getting the dopamine, connection and support I need from our relationship,

I'm out.

And damn, I just described my marriage to That One, but real rap, I'm sorry,

But just like with an allistic, neurotypical couple or friendship dyad, our shit gotta be compatible.

I already know I can't date someone with greater support needs than myself and I'm working on my ableism, I'm sorry,

But how compatible will our stims and respective support needs BE?

Like, damn I wish I had some watermelon right now, first of all, but secondly,

I, too, associate a song to many different everyday things, and I had no idea that was due to my autistic brain til this Black autistic dude claimed it as a trait in his TikTok.

And if that's true, then the music industry is full of autistic people, which tracks, because autistic people can be musically gifted.

And the amount of drug and alcohol abuse in that industry makes sense if you view it in the context of people who need more support than they're getting self medicating,

Self medicating due to the isolation, depression and alienation that's common among Aspies,

Isolation and alienation cause they are able bodied with a "productive" place within our capitalist society, but they don't know they're neurodivergent, that the struggles they're having in connecting with others and getting on in life is due to the way their brain is set up.

But yeah, I like to play the same song over, on repeat for an hour

Or three times here, three times there over the course of a whole 72 hours.

Will that drive a man crazy or can he live with my repetition stimming brain?

And I associate lyrics of songs we know and love with EVERY emotion and object,

Or I'll randomly make up a song while I'm cleaning or making food.

If it wouldn't drive you insane to have me suddenly bust out singing about 🎶 on a croissant, baby 🎶

If you wouldn't be mad at me singing the ba-dap-ba-ba-baaa I'm Lovin It jingle while I'm eating McDonald's fries, like

If you wouldn't have a problem with me reading things out loud in Work Voice and reciting ad copy from commercials in Work Voice,

If that would be quirky and cute to you and you wouldn't eventually look at me with contempt with every new made up song or recited commercial,

We can rock.

If you can avoid making my ONE misophonia trigger sound and it wouldn't make you angry to avoid doing the thing that makes that sound,

We can talk!

And I'ma wanna fuck at this point because if you care about not making my misophonia trigger sound, you care about my well-being, so I want your dick, thanks.

I'm high