#I’ve lived a weird life

[dark-elf-writes]

I need to get you a bubble. A nice sturdy bubble with titanium plates and sharp spikes so u don’t look like a fucking nerd

If you think my medical history is wild I promise you my breakup stories are so much worse.

#the elf talks #I’m known for my batshit insane breakups which is pretty impressive considering I am literally that guy from SpongeBob with glass bones #I mean I think they’re all hilarious but no one else around me does. #except for the guy that asked me if I was turning more lesbian that I dumped right before his birthday #good times #or the stories about growing up with my dad but those are rife with child abuse and neglect and most people really don’t think they’re funny #I mean I do but like #again it’s apparently concerning #I’ve lived a weird life

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[mumblesplash]

the fact that doctors can just Recommend Weight Loss with no instructions beyond ‘eat healthier/less’ is actually insane to me, i lost weight on purpose ONCE and it took me like 6 years to recover a semi-normal relationship with food and hunger

#uhh #disordered eating cw #just in case #mumbling #like jfc i know i’m not the first to say it and my experience is relatively SO tame #but it STILL fucked with my head for YEARS #and most people don’t go nearly that long between weight loss attempts at all for basically their whole lives!!!!! #and we’re so blasé about it like yeah just eat less to lose weight #and so few people talk about the really weird shit that phase of my life taught me even though they seem like pretty universal things #like when you lose weight deliberately by denying yourself food you get COLD #you get cold and you get in your head and you get sad it’s like being less alive #the times i’ve lost weight/recomped on accident (by doing smth that makes me move more‚ getting better sleep etc) #it’s been WARM #burn hotter move freer feel happier #and also the way hunger feels when you’ve been denying yourself food for an extended time is NOT the same as baseline hunger #it’s actually kind of wild that we use the same word to describe both feelings like that shit is NOT the same #that shit is not ‘being really hungry’ it’s a fuckin. blood curse or some shit you feel straight up unhinged #and i should disclaim here i am not talking large amounts of weight #i’ve fluctuated over i think a 20lb range max since reaching close to my adult height and that’s a guesstimate #but even in my relatively unremarkable little experiences here the way deliberate weight loss fucked with my brain is absurd to me #i’m fine now have been for years but seriously thinking back on it the fact that this is routine medical advice. unreal

[goldkirk]

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#everything’s fine and I’m fine I’m just saying this to say it rn #I don’t know what I would choose to do if he WAS still alive and I COULD still report officially #but a large part of me is really really glad that that mayor is dead. and I don’t ever have to hear him or see him at events or feel his #unusually long weird fingernails and iron grip while telling me to smile for pictures ever again #a part of me would love to confront him #but most of me is just glad he’s gone and can’t scare me or make life hell for my parents ever again #he never should’ve gotten away with all the things he did for so many years. but he did. #now that we’re here in the present. it’s a gift to get to move on from it knowing he’s not still out there at least #he was a gross greedy person with police and government power and never should’ve had those positions for so many decades like he did #but that being said. he can’t ever speak to or touch me again. #I’m not grateful now. I wasn’t grateful then after he stopped pretending either. but I’m glad I get to walk away and never live near #any subdivision or building or anything else with his name or picture #ever again. and he’s never able to touch another child ever. good riddance. you gross greedy poor excuse for a public servant. #now I’m gonna go try to write some of what I’ve learned into a fic to help my future self and others #who do you think came out on top at the end of the day mayor L? #I came out of this with friends and kindness and gentleness and healthy rage. you died just as greedy and fake and paranoid as you lived. #I hope you got better towards the end. for your wife and family’s sake. #I get to protect others from people like you for the rest of my life. and I’ll win. #because I deserve it and every current kid deserves it too. #shh katie

[nerdetiquette]

Imagine how weird it must’ve been for Peter to wake up after experiencing his whole life with Slip just to be 17 and so so scared again

#I’ve been thinking about this for days #imagine living your whole life just to be brought back to the weird drug experience you had when you were a teen #you’ve aged a lifetime #god that’s gotta be so confusing #the penumbra podcast #tpp #tpp spoilers #tpp s4 finale #peter nureyev #junoverse #slipjackson

[writhe]

wish julia didn’t die

#we weren’t extremely close but i’ve been getting sad about the loss of a friend who saw me thru my late teens to mid 20s #there’s a lot they’d be excited about i think right now #i don’t think my life would be largely different if they lived which is weird but. they really deserved all the fun they never got to have #also missing 2 ex friends #i wonder what our relationships would look like now #like what memories or excitement we would share #same goes for some friends i don’t think i’ll ever be close to again. thinking of the depths of connection we’ll never reach

[bright-and-burning]

ok my plans have been unfortunately altered due to ticketing nonsense but that’s ok we ball anyways

#took the L but did walk w my friend who’s visiting for like twenty minutes so that was nice #he’s the guy i was half in love w most of college who randomly stopped talking to me in like september/october ish #(who was also my best friend) #so i thought it was gonna be weird bc everything i know abt his life from october on #i’ve learned from other people randomly dropping that information #but then in our convo he said things that made me realize he’s actually been thinking abt me/getting updated on my life #(knew i lived next to a park. knew i had a 35hr work week. etc) #which like bro you can just REACH OUT it’s not fucking weird just bc we had a weird codependent bisexual4bisexual charged relationship #like that’s over my guy you have a gf we can be Normal we’ve pulled this off before #whateverrrrrr #no but i am happy he still cares about me #i kinda thought he just. didn’t anymore now that i wasn’t in proximity/wasn’t advantageous to be friends with #so idk nice to know he’s thought of me since we graduated

[hightowres]

why do i feel like there’s some sort of veil between me and the rest of the world

#like i just feel like there’s this weird seperation #ppl all seem to have such full lives and be so connected with friends and stuff #but it feels like i can’t fully join in?? #like i have friends and ppl i love and hobbies and whatever like i have a life #but sometimes it feels like i blinked one day and everyone else found their ppl and their super close knit #and i’m just like?? how do i cross this invisible curtain between me and everyone else #like sometimes i meet someone and we get along super well and then we just don’t hang out more #maybe bc i suck at texting ppl back #but i feel like nothing ever deepens #anyway #ignore me #today was a good day #apart from one thing lol #even on here like i love love love my mutuals but i lowkey feel like everyone’s closer with other ppl than with me?? #i’m think i’m feeling a bit lonely bc i’ve been so busy lately i haven’t spent much time with anyone #and it feels like i just am missing out a lot #and i’m definitely someone who appreciates having alone time but i do actually like socialising and connecting with ppl #talking to ppl is one of my favourite things ever i think there are so many incredible ppl to find out more about and become friends with #nadiya.txt

[miralparis]

conflicted!!!

#finally got the guts to start applying to other jobs #which obvi doesn’t guarantee that I’ll get an interview let alone an offer #but im also applying to non law jobs and im like ugh about being a lawyer so much of the time #but then when i think about not being one it feels weird?? #but i hate court with every fiber of my being??? #and after my time at small law firms im like lol no thanks I want a sliver of job security like just the tiniest amount #so if I do a non law job I’m like could I do something law later if I miss it or would nobody hire me at that point? #too bad teaching is so chaotic I’ve wanted to be a teacher forever :( #ugh and of course i don’t really care about work like work is just to pay for living and life is outside of work!! #so many tags thanks for reading if you did 😭 #katie.txt

[clarabowmp3]

omg also I have so much tea (?) to spill online cuz I can’t do it irl 😭😭😭

#okay SO #i have this long time friend from sec school #Like we’ve known each other 6+ years now and she’s rlly nice and fun #We were much closer abt 4-5 years back when we were in the same class #But other than that we were still kind of close cuz we stay like a block from each other + we shared a class all 4 years of sec school #So now that we’ve graduated from jc we went out etc and and it’s been so fun BUT #she met this guy on discord thru a server and they had/are still having some weird situationship thing #And at first I didn’t mind her telling me abt it etc but I mighttt be a lil tired of hearing abt it #I FEEL SO BAD she’s literally done nothing wrong but idk how to express how im feeling w/out seeming like im NOT 100% supportive of her yk #Like she also had a pick me phase (we were 14 when ELSE were we going to have that phase) and has always struggled a lil w emptions/affecti #Part of which has to do w her parents so also understandable #But I find myself feeling soooo annoyed now #Like recently she texted me that she texted him that she was taking a sm break which was true but now she misses him #And she was like omg I want to turn off my feelings 😭😭😭 #It makes me feel JSNXKLDLS girllll what r u doing #grow a backbone?? #Maybe it’s also cuz I totally don’t understand what she sees in that guy #Omg I could make a whole other post abt how MEDIOCRE he is jkskdn #but atp im starting to miss her pick me era 😭😭😭 and I feel SO BAD it’s smth I’ve had all my life #I will dislike ppl who I find annoying even when they literally did nothing and are living their best life #KILL ME #it’s okay I’m so normal abt this hehe

[stuckinapril]

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#I’m only very rarely inclined to get this intimate w my thoughts so I might as well say it NOW butttt I will never not see the dead children #In everything I do #Like legit #I’ve read up on Hind so extensively and seen so many photos of her #And I have a very healthy relationship w the popular Palestinian journalists so she’s not my blorbo or anything #But hearing that memo destroyed me bc bisan is only 23 and she seemed so vivacious #Idk like I do normal people things I can’t just pause on my life #But idk how it feels like to sit at a boba place and enjoy my pearl milk tea w my friends #While the horrors over there don’t just lurk the back of my mind. I do normal things and I’m guilty for having the luxury #And as an Iraqi girl I’m living in the literal ideal timeline #Where my mom decided to immigrate to the us and that’s why I’m here living a normal life like everyone else #It’s like in a different world if I were born in a different time it could’ve so easily been me. I’m one of the Lucky Ones idk #It’s not survivor’s guilt bc it’s not like I had to survive anything like I never had the chance to live in Iraq or anything #But like. If some things had fallen just a little differently #And I keep thinking about how I’d feel if it were happening to Iraq and people behaved the way they’re doing to Palestinians #I’d be so mad #And some people on here are dealing w assholes while bursting at the seams w grief #For losing their loved ones #This is why I’m so fucking angry at anyone who’s complicit #This was a major tangent but basically I feel weird about doing normal things now while simultaneously knowing I can’t just sit and wallow #And watch life pass by as if it’ll do anything #Misery is not a home but I’m struggling to be 100% normal #And I think that this tonal dissonance is reflecting on my blog too bc I can’t go back to just #Posting about all the other normal things I used to. Like I want to but sometimes I feel off. #Is this anything. I haven’t slept all night #I can’t just allow myself to lose interest in everything I used to like and be and just fade away but maybe it’s about accepting that this #Will also always be a part of me now. It’s that awareness that shadows everything I do #or maybe I need a therapist it’s a toss up #I’ll probably feel better once I get my day started but this was cathartic to voice I think #p

[dreamings-free]

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#truly one of the weirdest things in this post 1D fandom world is fans asking for setlists ahead of shows.. #even from support bands ??! #i just saw sea girls had posted their setlist for the O2 #and fans keep nagging isaac to post his #which.. why #I’ve never ever known that to be a thing and I’ve been going to gifs for like.. 20 years #*​gigs #like I don’t know maybe go listen to the music live and see if you like it.. #and then go home and listen to tha at band or artist #maybe let life surprise you sometimes #so goddamn weird.. #.

[lady-tortilla-chip]

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#something I super enjoy about BL stories is how unabashedly these stories are created and written #something a lot of gls are missing too #which is depressing because I prefer gl #but you won’t find a guy fucking the ghost of his first love who he lost contact with ages before #and only saw again at the funeral anywhere else #this story is wild too because at first the mc was like uuuh this is weird #and now he’s like ‘how do I keep my ghost boyfriend around forever?’ #also mayhaps the ghost boyfriend did some like #soul exchange when they were like 10 to save the MCs life #and the mc doesn’t remember #y’all pls why don’t more gl or even straight couples have this kind of energy? #I’ve read a COUPLE straight manga that are similarly unhinged but not many #but like this is the shit I live for it’s so entertaining #and I’m invested

[lesbiansanemi]

I don’t often think I’m upset at not having a good relationship with my parents but sometimes it really fucking hits me that I don’t have a good mom I don’t have a dad I’ll never experience having a good parent and someone I can lean on like that and I get… really upset

#I have this coworker who is about my mom’s age #I love her and she’s a wonderful person and she’s such a good parent to her kids #her autistic queer kids and she fights for them and defends them all the time #she values their interests and does things they love with them and supports their choices and jusy #ugh #today she gave me a hug because ‘it’s really seemed like I wasn’t doing okay’ #and ‘I’ve been dealing with a lot of hard things and big life changes which she knows is really hard’ #and I kinda teared up #my own parents don’t even know about everything that has happened with my roommate or the friends I’ve lost this year #I don’t tell them. and I could but it wouldn’t matter #my mother wouldn’t care. she definitely wouldn’t sympathize or give me a hug over it #she wouldn’t comfort me #my dad my try but he lives thousands of miles away #and I love my dad but I didn’t get to know him until I was 17 #I don’t think he’s really like… a dad you know? #he’s more like some weird friend or MAYBE an uncle than anything #which is fine! I think it’s really the best we can do and like I said I do love him and I know he loves me #but it’s still… different than a parent you know? #and sometimes I just ache knowing I don’t get parents… #I don’t get that relationship that so many ppl have that’s so important to them #and it just doesn’t feel fair and makes me feel really sad #I’m glad I’m as independent as I am but even that doesn’t feel fair #I’ve lived on my own since I was 17…. I never should have had to do that anyways…. #and I just feel sad because I got a hug from my coworker that made me want to sob #because it’s like damn… is this a teeny tiny taste of what having an actual good mom is like? #I missed out on so much…. #kaz rambles

[somehwere-between]

Time to get a bit #personal on here because why not. But it’s in the tags so I don’t blow out my brains later

#alright so in relation to the moral OCD-ish thing it’s really weird #I think it very very VERY much impacts my life especially in relation to friendships #to this day I live in pretty consistent fear that I’m not doing enough/not good enough/what-have-you #ESPECIALLY especially with some of the brain dead takes on here #but something that helped me a lot was the phrase -> #it’s better to do something right than nothing wrong #but still I very much feel like nothing I ever do is ‘right’ #and by extension nothing can save me from what I’ve done #like hell. I still have severe paranoia that even my fun/fandom stuff is somehow wrong morally #it’s one of those nights where I am afraid sorry #pardon any typos I am NOT editing anything #anyway. uh. if you’ve read this far kudos! have an imaginary cookie #vent

[catmonsterscupcakes]

i haven’t been here in a while. life feels really weird and everything keeps changing. i have an internship for my major even after i graduated. i start in 2 weeks. I know ive been constantly scared of growing up and getting older since i was a child, but ever since i turned 21 during the pandemic its gotten worse. every year i mentally countdown the months until my birthday and it’s exhausting; its always like “ x months until im x age and never this young again”. ive just always been so scared of getting older, esp bc im a woman, and society hates older women. i think because im black, gay, a woman, and neurodivergent i feel as if youth is the only privilege i have, and with each passing hour its being stripped from me. i’m really scared. i’m really scared of turning 25 because thats the big number. it’s the number ppl use in online discourse abt adults in fandoms and how they shouldn’t be there anymore. it’s when ur not considered early 20’s anymore, it’s when u only have 5 years left til ur 30 and ur not allowed to make mistakes. i’m so scared. and i’ve never even dated before bc im still in the closet, and i can’t come out bc both sides of my family are super religious and will hate me. i’ve known ive like girls for 10 years and never had a teenage romance, or a college romance bc i went to college in my hometown and it was too risky. im not even particularly good at anything, i love art but im bad at time management and get discouraged easily so i haven’t reached my full potential. i could’ve been so good if i kept practicing. i basically coasted through school and i could’ve done so much better. if i hadn’t been so depressed during high school i could’ve actually gotten into a school outside my hometown or state and gone there. i’ve lived in the same place my whole life and im bored. if i did better in college maybe id have a shot at grad school or atleast more options. but now i have an internship, a full time one, for the entire summer. and then after that i have to find more work, and then more work, and then i’ll work until i die. and i’ll never have any fun youthful college experiences or teenage experiences to look back on. i lost my teens to mental illness, and i lost my early 20’s to the pandemic and then worse mental illness. i wish the pandemic never happened, i had just started at a 4 year college at 20, and was doing good and then it hit, and i got worse. this was really long, and no one will probably read this. but i had to let it out. i feel like no one in my life gets me. i’ve been so mentally ill for so long that everyone is numb to it. and i don’t even feel comfortable with my therapist bc ive had her since i was 15 and i have to eventually find a new one bc she specializes in adolescents and im her oldest client. i’m even too old for my therapist now.

#personal #this was so long #no one will read this #i’m so sad #maybe if my dad hadn’t died he would’ve pushed me more #and life would be different #but he died when i was 11 #and mom had to work #and grandma was mean to me #and i got blamed for everything #and i was forced to go to church where being gay was wrong #and even now if i don’t go to church my mom is passive aggressive #i don’t think i’m ready to grow up #but i also want to move out and be able to live #but being able to move out and live means sacrificing time for money #and i’ll have to work for the rest of my life #idk what i’ll do when im no longer young #being young is everything #bring young is still having hope for the future #and having ur woke life ahead of u #and being able to be stupid #but now i’m getting older #and i soon won’t be allowed to be dumb #and it’ll be weird that i’ve never drank or dated #or have worn pretty clothes and gone to the club #i won’t be a cute quirk to like gay ships #i’ll be a weird old woman who likes looking at characters kids #i wish i was still a kid